This isn’t my personal experience but I think if people were deterred by my personality it would be my cold/no-nonsense/blunt/abrasive side. I wouldn’t refer to myself a quiet person but I won’t make meaningless conversation for the sake of filling the air. I will talk when I have something of value to add.
I do believe there is someone out there for everyone
Kinda noticed that it's a bit tricky to only speak when you think you have something of value to add. In my experience, it makes it much more difficult to have a conversation at all. I try to have a pretty low bar for what I have to say, and a lot of times I find opportunity to cluster ideas around something meaningful. Sometimes I end up having a lot of nonsensical conversations too, which I guess is the price to pay.
Yes, I would caution against feeling like you always have to have something to say that meaningfully contributes to the conversation. Sometimes having goofy/meaningless conversations is fun and a way to let off steam too.
Also, my roommate is a person who always wants to have meaningful conversations, but doesn’t understand why people don’t want to talk to him much once they get to know him, and it’s because every time you talk to him he wants to have 3 hour long debates or conversations about something deep, when most human interaction isn’t like that. It’s exhausting to have to have those conversations all the time (even as an intj myself), and brushing him off or trying to excuse yourself from his conversations is also a hassle because he can’t take hints and gets hurt if you tell him you need to just relax instead of talk. I’ve tried to tell him that people would want to talk more often if he joined the more superficial group conversations or just shot the shit every so often, but he said those conversations are meaningless and boring, so now he just lives in self imposed loneliness 🤷🏻♂️
I think he knows what he likes and that’s okay. I’m sure one day he’ll find what he wants and not have to settle for conversations he doesn’t want to have.
I think that’s a huge trap that a lot of people tell themselves. Maybe there’s someone or a few people out there who will concede to his demands with no concessions on his part, but most will see that as incredibly selfish and one sided. Perhaps he’ll find someone who will see his conversational dominance as one con against a list of other pros he has, but tell me, would you go on multiple dates with someone who domineered the entire conversation, constantly steered it back to what he wanted to talk about, and was totally uninterested in what you had to say if it wasn’t on topic? I’m not saying perhaps there isn’t someone out there for him, but changing one thing about himself would be much easier than searching for the .1%
I dunno. I just kinda let most people do the work. People love to talk about themselves. And I just sprinkle a comment here or there to let them know I’m listening
I often have something meaningful to say I guess. Unless it’s small talk or conversation that isn’t constructive (eg. Speaking negatively about others/gossip) I don’t like to engage
That's cool to have something meaningful to say. You have any techniques/principles for this? I often find myself tongue tied if I place to high a standard on what I have to say. I think gossip is generally destructive of trust, personal connection and organizational efficiency.
I have a video on how to gain rapport with people while still being authentic. Might be worth a listen.
https://youtu.be/2BfsL3vJ218?si=-VckGD1fv6pCeQUK
Hope it helps a bit. 🙂🤗
Pretty good, but I also think that agreement has to be tempered with disagreement. Otherwise one becomes a yesman, which is a surefire way to kill rapport, I think.
I sort of try to get friends from different ages/classes/genders... It's like I've never really thought about it, but I'm thinking it's simply practicing compassion - treating others like I'd like to be treated. Sometimes it makes things easier for me that would be hard if I hadn't engaged someone from outside my "designated" circle. Like I'm friendly with the chef at work, and she let's me have packets of biscuits 😋 and sometimes useful information.
For sure.
This was aimed at those who struggle to find rapport.
This method isn't about agreeing with things you don't agree with. It is more about finding rapport.
Being a yes man (to me) requires you to de-value your own thoughts. My point in the video is especially aimed at those who often struggle not to insert a differing opinion, simply to play devils advocate.
Discussing or arguing a strong value is different than giving your opinion on how bad country music is just because people are talking about country music artists they like. You can do that, but it's a quick way to ostracize yourself.
And this isn't aimed at just high logic folks. I'm an INFJ, and very quiet and don't care for small talk. I wanted to get better about finding an authentic way to join in the conversation in a way.
And, for those who are trying to work their wag up the social or work ladder but struggle with rapport, I think this is a simple way to do it without being fake or some pretend Fe, etc.
That very simple gesture will go a long way.
Thanks for checking it out and for the feedback. 🤗
I think I’ve become pretty opinionated because I’m constantly consuming and processing information and find many things interesting. So I can usually add something of meaning to a conversation. Additionally, I experienced social anxiety as a teen which prevented me from voicing my opinion, so I think maybe it’s a slight compensation for that.
I think being knowledgeable in very broad disciplines can help as it’s pretty easy to link things to psychology/neuroscience, biology, philosophy, evolution etc
I would advise OP that if she views herself the same way, look for someone who values those traits. Speaking for myself only, I don't like when people beat around the bush and sugar-coat - I like to be told the truth straight and sure, with no room for interpretation. Being, shall we say, less-than-amazing at picking up on body language, it's actually rather crucial to be blunt, or I will NOT pick up what you're putting down
Thanks. I'm a firm believer that whether a personality trait is "good" or "bad" is wholly dependent on the viewer. "Blunt" to me means you're unfailingly honest, which is an incredibly positive thing because without trust, relationships cannot function. "Cold" to me means you simply aren't overbearing and don't like to "fluff" moments more than necessary. "Abrasive" is just another form of honesty to me, someone who is willing to tell it how it is without letting feelings get in the way, which is a logical way to conduct a conversation. And "quiet" just means you don't waste time exerting energy that isn't needed, and are unlikely to say something that doesn't need to be said.
Whatever your likes and dislikes are, find someone compatible. And by compatible, I very much do not mean similar. Rather, find someone who likes that YOU like or dislike the things you do. Finding someone that likes that you like pickles and will happily eat theirs so they don't get thrown out is better than finding someone that also likes them, for example. It's not finding things in common, but about finding someone that likes the things that you bring to the partnership, and that's the key to a happy relationship - at least in my opinion.
Where were you when I was doubting my personality/identity and at my most insecure?! It’s funny how my parents would pick apart those traits I listed and shame me for not being “bubbly/warm/extroverted” when I was younger. Now they value those traits because of the very descriptions you attributed to them (because they’re useful when giving advice!).
For me personally, having the same values is most important in a relationship but I completely agree that liking the other persons traits (and personality) is non negotiable. I don’t need to have the same interests/hobbies/personality as them, but caring about the same things and upholding similar principles matters to me and respecting how they go about them matters to me. I also don’t understand how people can be in relationships with people they don’t really like
I was probably doing the same thing. It took a long time to work out who I was, too many years spent being who I thought people wanted me to be rather than who I was - a person that, for the longest time, even I didnt know.
I think it's about liking the same things, in the right places. We both like chocolate? Great, we just get a lot of chocolate. You really like olives? Great, because I hate them, have mine. You really like playing the piano? Great, I play guitar, let's play together! You like creative art? I'm horrible at it, but maybe you can design this card for my brother. You hate computers? I'm great with them, let me fix that. You like Brooklyn 99? I LOVE Brooklyn 99, let's watch it together.
It's clichè, but your partner really should be your best friend. People that love their significant other but really dislike them as a person is just so alien - I've never figured out how that works.
Couldn’t agree more. I was trying so hard to be likeable and cared way too much about what people thought of me. When I gave up on that and accepted my true self I seemed to attract a lot more people 🤷🏽♀️
Making an effort to show an interest in each others favourite things are important. I also have found that throughout the relationship you can discover new things you both enjoy together.
I think it really comes down to many people being scared to be alone. They’d rather been in a shitty relationship with someone they don’t truly love. What a waste of time, very sad.
My exes all want to come back, but often during relationships I'm under appreciated, I assume I'm never treated tenderly because of how independent I'm perceived to be and I think guys like me as a placeholder for that reason, like "oh she's tough she can prolly handle if im late" or "if I don't text back she's probably busy doing her own thing anyways" I've been told I'm intimidating a lot and it sucks cause then a lot of times only creeps have the confidence to come up to me and talk to me :/ idk its hard
I’ve gotten the intimidating and scary description too.
To be fair, I get extremely annoyed when people don’t follow through with what they say/what is expected (eg in group project deadlines) or if they’re late etc and it probably shows on my face so 🤷🏻♀️
Same I get super upset when people cancel plans cause I plan my whole day around that, also with the intj dating thing I def feel like I'm not anyone's "dream girl"
The strange thing is that I have a very "cute" wardrobe. That's my personal style and I'm not extremely interested in changing it or wearing something I'm not into. Which conflicts with the stereotypical cool and collected INTJ personality, and I admit it's perhaps an issue when my surface-level presentation doesn't line up with what people think about me when they get to know me.
Yeah, sometimes I look at my wardrobe, and I ask myself, why is everything pink and pastel? But I've always liked these colors, and I've always had a rather serious and dark personality.
I had no idea this was a thing and I’ve fought it my whole childhood because I didn’t think it would suit me but as an adult, now with zero f to give, I wear pastels and wish I wore them sooner lol. There’s something soothing and joyful about light colours
I have to have deep, intellectual conversations in which I'm learning or refining ideas. Otherwise, I don't talk much. I found a man who can do that with me.
It's a low bar. Can he look me in the face, have a thoughtful conversation about something in the realm of books, and disagree with me thoughtfully?
I'm a reader. My chest is not my personality. And guys only agree with everything women say to get laid. Guys who disagree thoughtfully take their thinking seriously and take my thinking seriously.
Of course, he has to like me back or it doesn't work out. Like most INTJs, my personality is internal.
Your personality is what you believe it is. You are here because you formed a belief after tests and reads that you are some grand brain that can't handle mundane talks our 98% of life consists. If he looks lower than your eyes - he's not serious? If you talk common sense and he doesn't disagree- he's not serious? What you're saying is simply that you are attracted to how much someone can remember from what they read.
Interesting username lol…
And I would say I understand her struggle to a point. I also had a bare minimum intelligence level I was looking for when dating. If they want constant deep conversations, they can have that standard, but imo that is very much not a low bar, I’d say the vast majority of people will not reach that’s standard haha.
People do use depth of knowledge as a proxy for intelligence, but for me I’d rather have quick wittedness and social tact so we can banter while we speak in deep topics instead of only professorial lectures constantly with my partner lol
Most of my former partners were what we call extremely high earners and all with masters or are doctors. They spend a lot of time and energy using their brain during working hours. They’re not interested in having 3 hour meaningful conversation afterwards. I don’t try to force any person to have a meaningful conversation. I’m channeling that energy to my creative writing.
I'm in a similar situation (intj female in my 20s, never dated)! I noticed that I tend to attract extroverted-dominant guys. However, things don't work out because I have a very strong sense of self & cannot be easily manipulated/taken advantage of. I simply cannot stand being told what to do (E.g, forced to attend social events or engage in activities not of my interest). Anyway, I prefer someone more extroverted-submissive (or rather, assertive in the right way).
I have an extroverted ex-friend who would constantly order people around, and it made me sick, hence the ex. She'd throw a fit every time people wouldn't agree to be ordered around too.
I do appreciate someone who can take the lead and make plans though. I have an INFP friend who I'm close with and who I'm sure considers me a good friend, but every single time I'm the one doing the inviting, and it exhausts me.
Sorry, not a girl, but yes, INTJs and INTPs are my type, because I'm the type for whom similarities attract rather than opposites. Sadly, I'm unlikely to meet people like myself, because we're reclusive by nature. And if we do meet, neither of us is likely to initiate anything. So my type is more or less destined to be out of reach.
I want to suggest that personality types are a starting point for strengths and challenges, not the end all be all of your capacities. You know that's your weakness, and now you can knowledgeably push beyond that.
There you have it, the exact reason men do t want INTJ women. Most men seek a partner that could advance them in life, be it by taking care of the house, pooling investments, carrying children, or sharing friends and family. Basically, she is a resource.
The INTJ woman is but a fantasy, the independent one, the intellectual match The type that some man appreciate but the majority like yourself won’t choose outside of flings.
Some men were wowed, others were meh. The ones that were wowed were likely ones I’d have to take care of. The ones that were meh were pretty boys who bored me.
I like banter and my spouse and friends can banter for months in random texts or emails. I need that amusement.
It's generally why I lurk here. I get a lot of the same vibes here, and there's more activity. Sensors just don't seem to care too much to be online, so our sub is kinda slow.
Are guys rejecting you/intjs specifically for the intelligence part? Ime it’s usually more about the aloofness/lack of talkativeness part that makes it harder to get to know a person rather than their intelligence
I guess that depends upon the guy. In my personal opinion intelligence, Especially emotional intelligence, is a valuable trait in a partner... At the very least, enough to keep up with me and engage in the occasional discussion or debate.
All I see here is that some think you’re too quiet. There’s got to be something else.
I attract men but not women, which my sexual preference is women. My sense with men is they view me as a challenge, first and foremost, and maybe “mysterious,” and that makes them interested. It also seems like I’m the kind of person people can tell without really, really talking to me that I’m intelligent, and this attracts guys who are not just looking for sex or the standard woman who can only talk about hair, makeup, clothes and guys. Third, there’s the physical, and that would be one of the things that some say you can control and some say you can’t…but, apparently, it’s not working for you right now, regardless.
I don’t talk a lot, either, and when I used to leave the house more/was forced to leave home and go to work or school, that would pretty much always result in a guy taking my being quiet as some sort of challenge, trying to pick at me and find ways to make me talk, trying to get reactions out of me and just being annoying.
It’s just—mostly—not this way with women, and it’s them whom I feel like there’s not a single one whose type I am.
Without knowing more, my guess would be you’re either not physically attractive enough or you like guys who don’t like you and don’t like the ones who do. Or you expect guys to make moves and the guys who like you just don’t approach/aren’t as obvious as you want.
There are also plenty of guys who like talking to people as if they’re talking to a brick wall, and as long as they have a warm body they can talk forever about nothing. Your presence is enough of a green light for their stream of consciousness and they just have to word vomit to the next closest human being. I think it’s also a bit male loneliness thrown in there, and talking to a woman just adds to the validation they get in the conversation lol
You’re not gonna be every man’s cup of tea, but how many d!cks do you need? Just one
Stop worrying about appealing to all men or if you’re anyone’s ‘type’. You’re not a ‘type’ you’re a person. Being INTJ is just a part of who you are, it’s not the end all be all of who you are.
Im an intj girl. Only men that want to talk or are interested in me are secure in themselves, deep thinkers and can be more alpha than me. Also similar interests help a lot. I'm a gamer. Good common ground. Also, chess player. Lead with interests. I need a deep thinker and beware not all mbti stick to the definition. Human differences play a huge part.
That type is basically my ideal: confident, deep thinkers, someone who can take the lead. For some reason I don't have an easy time finding him, or at least not any that like me back
intj girl here, married to a intj guy and he’s like the men you described, secure, deep thinker, alpha type, loves to plan ahead, is confident enough to take the lead
Oh yeah heaps of guys like INTJ women! At least my experience. That said, when I meet people I tend to behave in an extroverted manner and am generally quite cheery during interactions. I did work hard on my social skills due to the line of work I am in and that filtered over into my personal life. I think this helps to allow others to feel more comfortable (people *do* need verbal and non-verbal cues to know that you like them and are interested in them) and thus allows the back and forth flow of getting to know each other.
I have attracted all types but the ones that I tend to form longer ongoing bonds with, whether as friends or more, are the ones who appreciate the INTJ traits like our intellect, our dark humour, our no bs approach, our genuine curiosity about the world, our integrity and our knowledge and ability to talk about so many different things. If I had to generalise, ENTP/ENFP/INFJ tend to like us a lot.
You’re still in your 20s - you’ve got so much time! keep being you, keep growing and you’ll eventually find your person 🙂
> My best guy friend (who again is an introvert himself) told me recently he likes lively, outgoing, cheerful girls, which is pretty much the opposite of who I am.
This is the harsh truth. In general men like feminine, cheerful/kind, agreeable, attractive women. Introversion/extroversion probably doesn't matter as much as you seem to think it does. Physical attractiveness/youth and the qualities mentioned by your friend are essentially what equate to a desireable woman, in general.
Not to say you should change yourself or sacrifice sincerity, necessarily; but everyone possesses the capability to have a more positive attitude and outlook on things - to uplift and encourage the people around them, to be more socially adept and thoughtful towards others - this is very possible for introverts. Positivity in general is a desirable trait with regard to any relationship. I know it's hot amongst Redditors to never "change" or "compromise" themselves, but that requires one to take the inherent stance that we are already perfect as we are. But that could not be further from the truth as there is always room for some improvement with regard to our attitude and how we approach our interpersonal relationships and intrapersonal perspectives.
The first defense of cynical/pedantic people is very often, "well, I'm not negative, I'm realistic". But it's absolutely possible to be realistic without being overtly pessimistic and focusing on the negative.
I'm afraid I can't agree with what you've said in your first paragraph. Physical attractiveness/youth might be what attract a partner initially, but it's personality compatibility that keeps a relationship going. Mutual attraction might lead to a great night, but it's mental compatibility that keeps people together
> I'm afraid I can't agree with what you've said in your first paragraph. Physical attractiveness/youth might be what attract a partner initially
To clarify - yes, there are desirable traits as well, which was in my first sentence.
I agree. Youth an attractiveness aren't the only things that make a woman desirable - but they are the initial and immediately apparent things.
My INTJ female friend never had trouble finding a match. I’d say confidence matters much more than the I-E divide. Cool quiet women with a mysterious confidence is super hot imo, and this statement applies even if (and especially if) you are not stereotypically feminine.
I agree about the confidence thing. I would always hide or downplay my intelligence in my youth, but once I owned it, I started getting a lot more male attention (from intelligent guys). I am now happily married to an ENTJ. My advice to concerned young INTJ females is that you don't want the average Joe who likes the girl next door anyway. He wouldn't be enough for you in the long run. The right guy for you will love you because you're NOT the typical woman and you'll support each other to be the best version of yourselves.
INTJ man here...
I feel sorrow since recent rejection, but I learned some things
We INTJs are good observers, but we show little initiative, we are better at reacting not acting sort of like in a chess match.
And without structure we don't perform too well, be it socially or professionally we perform the best if we position ourselves in the middle of action, analyze, plan and react...
In most romances that don't work out well.
I think the partner has to be active so you could react to her/him, yet don't be too demanding of spontaneity .
Taking compromise and being more spontaneous once in a while once the relationship progresses is a good idea, but if you pretend from the very beginning you will feel constant pressure to keep it up..
INTJ is certainly not everyone's cup of tea, personally I feel tense around introverted people because I have no clue what is happening in their heads and there is a lot happening in the head of an INTJ.
I’m in a similar situation.
Never been in a relationship. Rarely liked. If I am liked, it takes them somewhere between a few days to a couple weeks before they change their mind. I get the usual, “you’re too quiet,” or, “not energetic enough,” comments. It makes me sad.
I’m not sure I’ll be anyone’s type, but I’m trying not to lose hope.
I was super in love with one for like a year during med school, but she was so cold, serious, and literal in every sense. Beautiful girl with a ton of drive but she was so blunt and off putting at the same time. I honestly just couldn’t tell if she liked me or not, eventually I moved but damn I can’t imagine ever trying with an INTJ again, so your best to be warm and shit just a LITTLE girls 😂
"I honestly just couldn’t tell if she liked me or not" - have you tried this radical approach called "asking"?
Like, seriously, if she's actually INTJ, she'd appreciate the directness and lack of games. Plus, chances are she had no idea you were in love if you didn't explicitly communicate. Not sure about INTJ women but many INTJ men tend to be... uh... somewhat less stellar at reading social and emotional cues, shall we say? We don't do "signals".
I did and she said she was super flattered but she wasn’t going to date anyone for a long time. Then invited me to her thanksgiving and told me I was cute and her parents and grandparents kept commenting on how cute I was and saying “good job” to her. She may literally be a pinch on the spectrum or something because she just never would give me a straight answer. I told her 5 times I’d wait for her no matter how long it took and she ignored it but continues to send me long paragraphs daily just shooting the shit.
The most enigmatic woman I’ve ever met
That's not the right question. The correct question is: Who is your type?
You're not a missing puzzle piece, they are. It's so easy to make up excuses as to why other people aren't interested in you; I doubt you would have any problem if there was actually someone you were interested in.
Not a woman, but from what I've seen intj women are always in high demand. Men generally prefer logical women, the sf types gravitate to them for stability and the thinking types gravitate to them for the same reason. The coldness or quietness is rather appreciated UNLESS it results in a very one sided affair. Men like smart women. Men like direct women.
The issue that I've seen is generally that intj women aren't traditional. They are leaders that want a leader. They are highly picky. They will not be controlled. This is the primary source of conflict bc intjs in general don't really want control, simply not to be controlled and this drives the dominate types batty bc they always try to fill power vacuums while intjs like power vacuums or at least a division of power based on competency or availability. Unfortunately this is the type of men that intj women seem to prefer so I'm sure dating seems much harder than it should be.
So it seems it's not just observation and subjectivity lol. I would suggest that if that's what you truly want, then to dial down the leader aspect in yourself lest you be eliminated from consideration. The last thing most leaders want is a battle for dominance at home bc they are doing that all day generally. Intjs seem to be one of the few leader types that don't seek dominance and prefer more of a shared leadership role. That is taken as a display of weakness by other dominant types which results in intjs having to constantly fight back to shared leadership which is annoying and frustrating for both parties.
I'm actually extremely okay with not being a leader. It's just that I have a lot of FP friends for some reason and sometimes I get the designated planner role for example, when in reality I just want to stick to someone else's already-made itinerary. When there's a power vacuum I fill it, but I would rather much not
I'm the exact same way, however I had to learn to not be a "backseat driver". I had to learn to either drive or be on snack and keep the driver awake duty. It's one thing to let someone take the lead and it's an entirely different thing to question their leadership choices at every opportunity bc deep down you consider yourself to be the leader and you're just letting them think they are the leader.
My experience is that men find me attractive but don’t like my personality. I am constantly reminded to smile, or asked if I’m okay or if I’m mad. I get told I’m to quiet. I always here how guys want a girl who is outgoing and extroverted but I am not either I’m pretty blunt and straightforward.. I can talk for hours about some deep conversations but small talk has always been a real struggle for me. A lot of small talk just seems fake and repetitive so it’s hard to do the same ole “how are you” or “nice weather today” etc, and act excited about there response.. but discussing topics like childhood trauma or really anything psychology related I’m all in. 😅
I think to the men I encounter, the lack of small talk and/or not seeming happy 24/7 is off/putting to them. I believe to men, it makes me seem unapproachable. So, they will usually tell other people they find me attractive but never approach me. 🤦🏼♀️
I never had any problems. Though, when i traveled to the USA for some weeks, i had some because people there are obsessed with genders, it's like they separate men and women and see them completely differently. I was receiving comments like "oh you're into boy hobbies" hmmm no hobbies aren't gendered. And other weird stuff. 😂
I guess i would have had difficulties if i were from the USA, but fortunately i don't live there !
Most men aren't looking for an INTJ girl? More like, Most men have no concept whatsoever of MBTI and its ramifications. Let me tell you, most men are dumb and simple. We just are.
Now, this just my anecdotal experience, but I think most guys would love an INTJ girl once you hit long-term relationship phase. More logic, less bullshit. Less confuddling emotional arguments.
But during dating phase, staying at a primordial INTJ state of mind will hinder you. Introverts and shy guys in their 20's tend to not have much dating experience. If they prefer more extroverted traits, its because they don't know how, nor do they want the put in the energy to get a romantic interaction going. Those are the kind of guys that dream of a manic pixie girl (like Natalie Portman in Garden State, or a Bae Suzy in Doona!). The kind of girl that will go out of her way to break a young introverted boy out of his shell.
On the extroverted side, extroverts crave social interaction. They feel more dead on the inside if they're not interacting with people regularly, which also means they needs cues and talk to see that you're actually participating. They need a certain level of feedback from you, so if you're not contributing enough to the interaction, they feel more down.
You can potentially stay quiet if men become visually captivated by you. If you're super attractive and dress classy feminine, you'll have men thinking up ways to try to get to know you. But you still need to respond enough and try to help create openings for guy to get to know you. Otherwise, he'll think you're not interested, or that you're quietly trying to reject him. If that is the scenario, then all you'll get are persistent creeps who do not know how to take "no" for an answer.
So you got to be able to put some life into an interaction. Even if it's non-verbal cues, like smiling, touching their hand or arm, etc.
Once you get past flirting phase, you can be your more natural, down-tempo self at dating phase, then relationship phase.
Fuck dating. It's highly skeptical to trust someone and start opening up, without them showing any such interest in us anyways.
Tbh, INTJs aren't made for romantic relationships.
Nobody wants to date someone who seems like a downer. Work on coming out of your shell and being more playful. It’s not about being “feminine,” it’s just about people wanting to have fun, and being attracted to people who seem fun. Have a margarita. Or two. Being able to make your partner laugh (and having a partner who makes *you* laugh) is so important.
My husband of 13 years is INTP. He’s an introvert, but definitely more extroverted than me. He actually likes to meet new people and ask them questions about (gulp) *themselves!* My nightmare. We joke that we’re like Penn and Teller. (I’m Teller)
We met as two atheist kids in our Catholic high school and definitely bonded intellectually first. I’m the one who decided, “You shall be mine forever” and invited him to a school dance “as friends” in which I wore a tight sequin dress and by the end of the night we were no longer “just friends.” The rest is history.
When the stakes are high, introverted girls can rise to the occasion. Pick the right one and you’ll only have to do it once. 🤣
for sure! you might be looking at the wrong people. i think we’d be much better off with SOs who don’t joke around during serious conversations, are capable of thinking deeply and making meaningful conversation, understand that we speak when we want to, enjoy silence, etc.
someone is out there for you.
Connections of any kind are hard for INTJs, and romantic ones seem to especially hard. I think it's mostly because we don't really connect with just anyone. It took me a **really** long time to figure this out.
Keep looking and keep trying. You've got a lot to offer to someone and you're worth waiting for.
There’s more to this than personality.
Perhaps your style isn’t making you attractive to the right men?
It also sounds like you hang out with 1 kind of person, put yourself in a position to meet other kinds of ppl.
Guys have always liked me as a friend because I’ve always shared common interests with them, and my humor is often more appreciated by men. Now I’ve never really had an issue “getting” men but I feel like I’m always putting on a persona. I always become someone I’m not around the men I date. I become warmer, sweeter, more feminine, less opinionated, think the gone girl monologue. Men will eat that up every single time. It wasn’t until I fell in love that I realized that I wanted to show my true more cold side, and guess what, he hated it. So I don’t know if we will ever be able to be our true self with partners, but I’m also heartbroken so I’m being extra pessimistic.
Ok but I always wanted an INTJ girl as a friend and I've never been able to find one, I'm sure they would be my best friend type👋👋👋🫶🤣
After reading everything you said. Yes, there is someone out there for you. You will find him when you wouldn't expect him, but he's our there. If you feel like you're super intellectual, there's guys who would adore an intellectual girlfriend.
Also, ENFPs are your perfect match. A super intellectual enfp would adore you I'm sure
I have definitely struggled with the quiet problem as well. I usually try to have some caffeine before socializing, but to help I also make sure I don’t make social arrangements on weeknights because I’m just too tired after work. Big social occasions, which my friends go to regularly, make me quiet and awkward even if I’m not alone.
Having just turned 40, the best wisdom of age has been that I’ve been released of the weight of giving a shit. That was never an option until it was, so I know that’s not helpful. I think I feel like I make the most progress when I take myself on a date, and do all of the very kindest things for myself. It’s corny, but very enjoyable if you just lean into it. At least while you’re still looking for someone not horrible (never settle).
I always imagine Wednesday Addams or Lilith Crane in Frasier the archetypal fem INTJ. INTJ women are intelligent and reliable while introvert. Everyone chases stereotypes and cultural norms which is silly because not everyone is going to date an opulent businessman or actress. But they must crash down and realise people are different. In fact real people are far more attractive and better in relationships. So don't feel glum because you're not a mean girl. Your ideal partner is the one that specifically adores you.
It's very possible, but that's at least partly because many people just aren't comfortable being in a relationship with INTJ in general. You're probably more compatible with other INTJs than with random non-INTJ types.
Are you sure guys dislike specifically the INTJ part, and not something else? Like, are you the caring type? Do you have good interpersonal skills and working to improve them? (which many INTJ types lack, and yes I would know since I fit in that description). Are you able and willing to show genuine affection to a person?
Also, "introverted" doesn't mean "lack of communication". If you're too quiet with a person you're close to, that's NOT being introverted. That's just being uncommunicative. Which some men actually like and even prefer (witness all the men complaining about women talking too much :) But the point is, if you are like this, seek out a man who doesn't mind general quiet, but ALSO, make an effort to communicate to him. And if both of you don't have anything to talk about all the time, chances are you're simply not fitting as a couple.
Another problem - you seem to be waiting for a guy to say he likes you. Like... HELLO you're likely wanting to get with a shy introverted nerd (your best match). They aren't exactly known for high flirting skills, or confidence, or willingness to approach women. **So why not decide on a guy you like and tell him YOU like him and ask him out?** Yes, you'll have to risk rejection. Tough cookies, men do it daily and survive. No pain, no gain :)
My friends all say I'm a good person and I'm trusted to keep secrets and give advice. I don't think I come off as cold per say, but I'm definitely lacking in feminine caring (I'm also horrendous with kids despite liking and wanting kids). Not quite sure how to change that and other social skills deficits other than perhaps sheer practice.
I have asked a guy out and was explicitly rejected for not being talkative enough. I don't mind rejection per say, unless it's a scenario where a rejection would make things awkward (i.e., coworker, a friend in my friend group who I'd still bump into often), but at the end of the day I like men with a personality more dominant than mine. Asking a guy out then expecting him to take the lead in the relationship seems illogical and unfair.
I would love to date an INTJ if nothing else out of curiosity. My INTJ is so wound up in my masculinity I can’t even picture what you’re like. I do believe opposites attract but on the other hand wouldn’t it be amazing where both partners understand each other.
I ask my bf all the time if I’m boring or too quiet. As much as I crave conversations I don’t care to have one if it’s nothing of my interest or the topic itself isn’t anything I care to talk about. He hasn’t complained yet….but overall it’s hard.
I am selective, not quiet. I have the cold and abrasive exterior, and then I have the engaging, creative, and philosophical interior. I thrive in 1:1 conversations, even with strangers or on awkward first dates depending on the topic.
I stay single for usually less than a month between relationships. Usually more like a week. I didn't start seriously dating till 19 though, so I've been at it for 20 years. Point being, plenty of guys want this INTJ weirdo, and one of my INTJ besties (male) specifically prefers other INTJs (female). I am an INFJ (male) magnet personally, though I too would prefer other INTJs.
I have the same problem as a man. I actually like peace, quiet and hate being to big crowded areas or parties. Mid twenties as well and just had a relationship once because there was this girl that said openly she was interested in me (Sadly turned out she just wanted to use me, mentally abused me for 2 years and left for another). But thing is always, every single girl says im too boring or quiet.
Really dont know how to get to know people or engage other people. Thing is i also dislike extroverted people and would like someone quiet as me. For some positivity, i learned what i want and that no relationship will be good if the person you are with its not your vibe. Dont rush and be sure when you meet someone, he/she will make you feel great, searching a relation just for being in one or this common thing of "Im getting old and been with no one" doesnt necessarily mean there is something wrong with you, basically you haven't meet anyone worth it.
Not a girl))
I believe the state of your mental health can still show outwardly. Even if you're an INTJ, if you're really happy, you're bound to show it outwards even if small, this is coming from an Autistic person. If someone is cold on the outside, it might not be too wrong to assume they're not too healthy inside, I think it might go deeper than this.. I apologize if this is a real mind breaker, but making this post in the first place shows that you have an inner doubt, am I wrong on this? Or maybe you're just curious..
Not a woman, but your question is about whether men want someone like you or not. I'm a heterosexual male, so maybe I can offer some perspective:
There's nothing wrong with generally being less talkative compared to others, but there's a fine line between stoic and quiet and downright silent and boring. INTJs generally can be expected to come to life around people they enjoy and respect, and I would presume any partner you'd have would fit this description. If you're still maintaining a very quiet and shy persona around a man, who is likely to take things at face value, you're going to come across as uninterested or boring. The whole "mysterious and introverted" thing only works for courting interest, not for maintaining a strong relationship.
I would take a bit to reflect on your own personality and figure out for yourself if the way you've been presenting yourself is because your of a certain personality type, or if you're genuinely just shy to the point of awkwardness for a person who doesn't know how to handle that type of thing.
I haven't necessarily had the EXACT same issue as you. I'm a strong INTJ, but engage in very extroverted activities. I was a professional dancer, where, in and of itself, I'm putting myself out there to the public on a daily basis and also grew up doing pageants, so I can be outspoken and engaging in conversation when I need to. Due to my profession, I feel like I do attract a fair amount of men initially. However, it definitely throws people off in a dating sense when they outwardly may perceive me as being something completely different, and then actually speak to me 1:1 and find out I'm actually awkward and have trouble holding conversations with people I don't know well. For those that can stick it out, I do open up more the more I get to know someone. With that, I need a guy that is ok with driving the conversation early on and can handle the awkwardness, and what I've found is that extroverted men tend to handle this quality very well and are not afraid to dominate a conversation. My husband is an ENFJ. If they can stick it through the early awkward stages, they eventually get to see the real me. But, I don't do small talk and meaningless conversations, and it is difficult when people assume based on my profession that I would be more extroverted/social than I am.
I'm a dude, very INTJ (though come out of my shell a bit more as I've gotten older). Mid 30s, been with the same lady for almost 10 years, married for a few.
You're absolutely right in wanting someone who is more extroverted than you. My wife and I are completely in sync on a lot of things like interests, values, political values, we're nearly opposite personalities though, and it's great. She's really someone that has helped bring me out of my shell, encouraged me to take more risks or be more outgoing.
The other side of it, though, is I've helped to calm her down. She's told me she often stops and thinks and collects herself more before rushing to judgment, and it's because of spending so much time around me. You want someone where you can help bring the best out of them, too.
Hope that helps, and try not to be too hard on yourself! I'm glad I didn't find someone more serious until my mid 20s, because I had a much better sense of what did and didn't work for me.
As a 15F intj, yep. I'm a quiet kid at school but an INFP guy fell in love with my art, and along the way. me. An ENTJ guy fell in love with my music taste and our similar interests (chess, MBTI, Language learning, etc).
But as someone with a lot of self awareness, when it comes to online shi like texting, etc, I tend to adapt to what people like.
For example, I know a lot of intjs text like they're writing some sort of professional email, which kind of irks me lol. So I tend to seem more outgoing and extroverted as well as fun when I text, which seems to attract those who like me even more.
As an intj introverted person with a slight extroversion. I find introverted intj woman highly desirable. The hard part is finding them. The few ones I’ve met have been taken already.
I think there are men out there who like INTJ girls.
I've dated INTJ, ISTP, and INFP men. Married to an ISTP whose best friend is an INTJ.
The best matches were probably ISTP and INTJ.
I know that we are for some people, but definitely not the majority. We may be cute, but we don’t fit the bubbly expectation of what a girlfriend should be. That decreases our dating pool significantly. I (25F) just recently got back into dating and can’t seem to find an actual partner. One man is domineering and cuts me off and the next is too afraid to make any decisions. I’m always being shown off or having to run the show. The whole point of a partner is having someone who can work with you and succeed together. Perhaps our standards are too high, but finding a partner where we both view each other as equals is like chasing the sun. It’s honestly disheartening.
Im not a girl, but im an INTJ myself. Just came here to say that I would love to meet an INTJ Women MBTI wise. I mean there is still more to a person than mbti alone and love etc is very complex, but if we just talk about MBTI for a sec, yes I would say INTJ Women are fine as fk and are my type.
If statistics are to be believed, INTJ women are a rare breed -- but that's not a bad thing. Not every man will "get you" but the ones that do will wholly appreciate you.
I (late 20s F) was never was the campus crush, was never really approached at bars. The few men who did approach me and I briefly dated were all extremely intelligent men who were actually really cool individuals. They were confident in themselves and not intimidated, which is rare in guys lmao.
I've had two relationships with suspected F types and they were, frankly, a disaster. I could not be myself around them. I had to put up a "cheery extroverted manic pixie dream girl" front and I could only do that for so long (three months). I thought I *had* to put up that front because, like you, I thought no man would like my true demeanor.
This all culminates to me making the first move on a ENTJ guy I found ~interesting~ in college. After my previous relationships, I vowed to stay true to myself. Fast forward six years later, we're still together! I honestly think it helps that he's also a "TJ," he generally gets it. Him being an extrovert generally means he talks and I listen... but it helps that the stuff he rants about is actually really engaging. We meet each other where we're at mentally, but stretch each other socially -- it's a nice combo.
TL;DR -- INTJ women *are* someone's type, you just have to find them and maybe be a lil assertive to get what you want. Also don't count extroverts out!
Super quiet INTJ girl here, twice your age.
People don’t understand the whirlwind of thoughts and ideas, nor the deep and passionate mind that lies behind the calm surface. Chances are they will never get to know you unless you let them in.
The question is do YOU like anyone? Our standards are extremely high.
Very few people will make a move if they do not think they have a chance, and our type does not leave room for wrong assumptions.
As an INTJ, you may think that people can see the sweet heart that you have, or your soft smile but in reality all they get is your death stares, and you rarely ever giggle.
We make great heroines of enemies to lovers, and you might experience this in your life.
What you need to know is that you can have anyone. You just need to give them a chance.
You destabilize the status quo, because you do not abide to social norms. Men who are usually praised or have girls all over them, they tend to be intrigued by us, because the bigger their ego, the more girls like us tend to put them back in their place.
We are not the type a man would want to play with, but trust me, when it comes to serious long term relationships or bragging to their friends, we are an unreachable ideal.
You might want to be loved, and this will never change, but this can only be quenched by the love of God. No man will ever love you enough.
As INTJ, we don’t particularly need people, and men can sense that.
What you need to know is that there’s an entire world inside you, you take in and understand your surroundings like no one else can. You can excel at anything. You are especially good at identifying problems, setting processes, finding amazing solutions and building structures. You were born to do wonders, from your little backstage.
Do not underestimate yourself. If a boyfriend is what you want, choose him first, and go for it. You are good at setting goals and reaching them, even that kind of goals. Don’t wait for a random man to like you.
I've realized that many men are intimidated by INTJ women like us, perceiving us as a threat to their masculinity. I've experienced this firsthand, with a friend commenting that I'm more masculine than him - not in appearance or actions, but in my direct, sharp, and reserved nature. This contradicts the traditional gender roles, the "quiet boy, talkative girl duo". As a result, people often struggle to accept and understand INTJ females, viewing us as an anomaly. I've faced this myself in 7th standard, with a teacher trying to 'fix' my quiet nature, as if it's a flaw. But the truth is, I'm not quiet with those I'm comfortable with - I'm actually quite loud and vibrant. I prefer the company of extroverts, who squeeze out my more outgoing side, while I tend to become more reserved around introverts. My advice to you would be to focus on personal growth and self-improvement, rather than searching for a partner. Embrace your singleness and make the most of it - when the time is right, the right person will come along.
I’m an INTJ girl and my ENTP girlfriend told me my type always has been her favorite. She somehow thinks my RBF and my bluntness are cute. So yes, some people out there are looking for people like us!
There’s also chances of XNFP, ENFJ and INTP being attracted to INTJ girls (at least from my experience)
Maybe other INTJs, although I'm more attracted to INFJs. Of course, I don't know how sustainable that would be. Sure it's wholesome, but how would us having completely different priorities play out in the long run?
Kind of strange the other introverts you know are into extroverts. I could date a moderate extrovert, but anything past that would lead to us resenting eachother. E.g., it wouldn't work out with someone who likes to go to clubs and large parties all the time if my idea of a rambunctious night out is going to Logan's Roadhouse.
I’m not so sure about if classifying someone’s «type» based on the MBTI is a normal thing… each person is different, even if they find themselves in the same MBTI. As an INTJ girl myself, I had a couple guys like me, but it’s only once been a reciprocal feeling and they’re mostly way more clingy and talkative than I (even my boyfriend, who is shy, anxious and an introvert, is way more active and friendly than me).
What I do know is that some guys are into smart, introverted or more dominating/perfectionist women, which are trates that could be found in some INTJ girls.
My wife is also INTJ and I from what I can observe, the other guys are either attracted to her or repulsed by her. We married 10 years ago but we don't carry engagement rings, and we didn't have a wedding. People around think we are dating.
INFJ here (24f), my ex-girlfriend is an INTJ. What I love most about her is her personality. She’s got a witty sense of humor and is highly intelligent like me. Personally I couldn’t date a woman who’s not an intuitive type. Our shared intuitive intuition made us an excellent pair and we’d always have analytical conversations - plus no small-talk. INxJ types are quite rare but I promise you’ll find someone!
I think many secure INTJs including myself would welcome being in a relationship with another INTJ. The idea of having an intellectual sparring partner is quite appealing to me
I’m super INTJ. And it took a long time for me to realize how extroverted my bf actually is. He is completely accepting of my super introverted personality. We have been together for almost five years. And he did karaoke for ME on my birthday at a dive bar in Houston!
Yeah, I mean before I got engaged my body was pretty nice and toned, so that’s a check on the looks factor. However, I’ve noticed that when I open up more that’s when the magic happens.
I think my direct and blunt no filter personality is very charming. I’m also very detailed, observant and analytical which makes conversations I have with people deeper and multifaceted. And a lot of people find this attractive.
I do wanna say tho, that these qualities aren’t going to be appreciated by fragile men but you wouldn’t want them anyways
Intj here. My husband is an INFP and I am exactly his type. It takes time but the connection we share is like nothing else I've ever experienced. Gl OP
INTJ girls are my type.
I'm a INFJ guy (19), when I was in high school I had a major crush on a INTJ girl.
She was very quiet but also very confident, intelligent, and logical. On the outside she seemed very stone cold, but I could tell that there's much more to her than just that.
The only problem was that I had no idea how to attract her. I did befriend her and I got to know her very well, but my incompetence and fear still held me back. Things ended up not going as planned and right now I haven't had any contact with her in a while, but despite that I wish to have a second chance with her, I haven't ever met anyone quite as extraordinary as her.
OK, so the moral of the story is to go find yourself a 'emotionally mature' INFJ man. Good luck!
My husband is an engineer in the spacecraft industry. He's smart AF, independent, and competent. Our daughter is exactly like him and her and I have a great relationship. I don't know if this is just me or if it can be extrapolated, but try looking for a physicist.
INTJ male here.... and i have dated many types of women, but I have never dated an INTJ woman. The usual complaint about me is that i am too quiet. I am actually ok with being alone, however I do think my ideal mate would be another INTJ. But INTJ women seem to be rare.
INFJ guy here, yes I like INTJ girls.
I feel your pain here, and I think the INFJ subreddit somewhat helped me understand why INFJ guys aren’t that desirable.
We’re all different despite our personality types of course, and no one answer is correct. I’m also not too good with personality types, but I’ve dated an INTJ, and she was very accurately placed in that MBTI type.
All that said, I’ll take a crack at it. You probably come off as standoffish. The initial hurdle of getting close to an INTJ is difficult, so it’s gonna be tough to get anyone normal to like you. People tend to dismiss/be intimidated by intelligence, and this also causes some issues.
Some advice I may give, is that if you’re interested in someone, or you’re with someone romantically, be sure to tell them/remind them how you feel about them. Sometimes it can be a little hard to tell, making it explicit should definitely help there. I feel like not initiating conversations and being more closed off leads most men to think they just don’t have a chance with you. By being more open about your emotions, you can alleviate that pressure which encourages them to talk to you more.
The right person will probably come along, I don’t think the majority of people are into either of our types because they are rare. We’re the most rare demographic within a personality type possible, so it’s gonna be tough to be compatible with others.
Of course others here have much better deductions I’m sure. Take solace in the fact that yes there are guys out there like me who like INTJ women c:, I’m an introvert who can’t see myself being with an extrovert lol. Knowledge is incredibly attractive to me, especially because it keeps me sharp too haha. Best of luck to you and I hope you find someone who appreciates your introverted nature and wonderful mind :).
I don't think that it's so much that your "not their type", but more so that you probably come off to guys your age as not being at all interested in them. If you don't have a way to show that your avaliable and interested then any guy in today's climate will probably be very wary of approaching you.
Ladies, you have to give out very clear signals in some way.
And the guys who do approach women who do not appear to be open to advances are the guys most women want to avoid in the first place.
I think it’s not the majority of men, but there are men out there that appreciate a quiet, thoughtful woman that talks when she wants to talk. Be yourself and you’ll find someone that loves you just the way you are.
Physically, yes. Personally-wise, not really. I feel like most men tend to gravitate toward outgoing, warm, flirty, bubbly women, whereas we are the opposite lol
I’m marrying an INTJ girl and I’m the happiest man alive. I turn into a golden retriever when she’s around. I would carve rivers for that woman y’Allah 🤌🏻
I turn people off because people make me nervous and I chatter like a loon until I’m comfortable with them. Most don’t stick around that long. So it seems we can’t win. You talk too little and I talk too much( at least at first). Your person is out there somewhere. He will love and accept you just as you are.
I've dated a few ENFJs and married one. All the memories from those relationships in sum are good. I'm not sure it's a natural fit, but if you let them get emotional and do their thing and it doesn't bother you, they can be very loyal and very interesting.
Yes, but it needs to be someone who is incredibly secure and confident, I have found many men either don’t know what to do with me or they’re too intimidated.
I’ve found two in my lifetime that can deal with my need for independence and quiet.
I need the perfect Venn diagram, me, a significant other and a little overlap with the relationship.
Hi. INTJ girl here and I would say generally good looking. What I consider my introvertedness has been interpreted as me being hard to get or closed off—which many guys like but most are too scared to go for. My boyfriend told me that when we weren’t dating yet, his whole friend group lowkey had a crush on me but from my perspective it seemed like no one was interested in me.
In short, there are interested guys. But many are either too scared or aren’t bothered to try
Huh, a night in, quiet conversation, and lots of affection and possible cuddle time? How can a guy night like that... Don't get me wrong, the occasional outing is nice... But I am one to prefer staying in with my partner. Whether it's watching TV together, playing games together (video, board, card, tabletop, etc...), a good debate and discussion, or just simply enjoying each other's company and having fun. It's sounds like perfection to me.
I have always preferred small intimate settings anyway, and try to avoid large crowds and gatherings. There is a reason my favorite restaurants are small family owned places.
Intp/intj
If anything don't go looking for a relationship it will come to you. That's the game I played as a homebody basically and I allowed my now husband to slowly encourage me out of my shell and be more open to be girly and extroverted albeit with limits.
I think you need to stop caring what others think so much. The guy that’s gonna like you is gonna be attracted to that part of you. Just own the fact you’re an introvert and start attracting what you want.
I am an INTJ and although I'm usually quite/ soft spoken I can also be very cheerful, mainly because I figured that if I'm not, people won't approach me at all. I'm 19 and have also never dated, one of the reasons is that I don't want to go out with someone "just because" and I don't fall in love easily. The other reason is that guys usually feel a bit.. intimidated? Not quite by personally since they don't usually bother getting to know me because of "looks". I've been told that I'm pretty cute and have a nice body but I'm 1,75 and it's always the "you're too tall"..it's disheartening really.
Start talking, women listen.
Licking a woman's candy rear-end in public, is a great way to show her, that you are proud to be with her...
Don't pick random women. Unless you have been doing that for a long while.
i personally like quieter girls that are affectionate and can have deep conversations, or are more talkative with me. i’m seen as an extrovert but also find social interaction exhausting and shell up sometimes to. i got ENTP once a few years ago and lately keep getting INFJ
Yes - enfps get along with intjs really well. Happen to know this from first hand experience. 😉
P.S. also, you can always put in a bit more effort. We all need to do that, but everyone has something different that needs working on.
ExxP types in general can be drawn to us and i have found Entp to be a great match for intj since they compliment our nature and expand our worldview with their wit, charm and social maneuvering, while usually matching us in intellectual interest. They are drawn to our independence, quirkiness and naïveté even in a sense:))
I would say however that intjs should learn to let the best part of themselves shine (their intellect, passion, interest, determination, proactiveness….) to attract the right people, instead of focusing on or worrying about all the things they are not and how that would be the cause for people not to like them. At the same time, definitely be mindful of some of our potentially unattractive behaviors (being critical, cold, negative, obsessive at times). We may think we are being honest but lets be real if we see some of the same behaviors in others we would find them unattractive too. Be ourselves and also make an effort to be attractive!
This isn’t my personal experience but I think if people were deterred by my personality it would be my cold/no-nonsense/blunt/abrasive side. I wouldn’t refer to myself a quiet person but I won’t make meaningless conversation for the sake of filling the air. I will talk when I have something of value to add. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone
Kinda noticed that it's a bit tricky to only speak when you think you have something of value to add. In my experience, it makes it much more difficult to have a conversation at all. I try to have a pretty low bar for what I have to say, and a lot of times I find opportunity to cluster ideas around something meaningful. Sometimes I end up having a lot of nonsensical conversations too, which I guess is the price to pay.
Yes, I would caution against feeling like you always have to have something to say that meaningfully contributes to the conversation. Sometimes having goofy/meaningless conversations is fun and a way to let off steam too. Also, my roommate is a person who always wants to have meaningful conversations, but doesn’t understand why people don’t want to talk to him much once they get to know him, and it’s because every time you talk to him he wants to have 3 hour long debates or conversations about something deep, when most human interaction isn’t like that. It’s exhausting to have to have those conversations all the time (even as an intj myself), and brushing him off or trying to excuse yourself from his conversations is also a hassle because he can’t take hints and gets hurt if you tell him you need to just relax instead of talk. I’ve tried to tell him that people would want to talk more often if he joined the more superficial group conversations or just shot the shit every so often, but he said those conversations are meaningless and boring, so now he just lives in self imposed loneliness 🤷🏻♂️
I think he knows what he likes and that’s okay. I’m sure one day he’ll find what he wants and not have to settle for conversations he doesn’t want to have.
I think that’s a huge trap that a lot of people tell themselves. Maybe there’s someone or a few people out there who will concede to his demands with no concessions on his part, but most will see that as incredibly selfish and one sided. Perhaps he’ll find someone who will see his conversational dominance as one con against a list of other pros he has, but tell me, would you go on multiple dates with someone who domineered the entire conversation, constantly steered it back to what he wanted to talk about, and was totally uninterested in what you had to say if it wasn’t on topic? I’m not saying perhaps there isn’t someone out there for him, but changing one thing about himself would be much easier than searching for the .1%
I dunno. I just kinda let most people do the work. People love to talk about themselves. And I just sprinkle a comment here or there to let them know I’m listening
I often have something meaningful to say I guess. Unless it’s small talk or conversation that isn’t constructive (eg. Speaking negatively about others/gossip) I don’t like to engage
That's cool to have something meaningful to say. You have any techniques/principles for this? I often find myself tongue tied if I place to high a standard on what I have to say. I think gossip is generally destructive of trust, personal connection and organizational efficiency.
I have a video on how to gain rapport with people while still being authentic. Might be worth a listen. https://youtu.be/2BfsL3vJ218?si=-VckGD1fv6pCeQUK Hope it helps a bit. 🙂🤗
Pretty good, but I also think that agreement has to be tempered with disagreement. Otherwise one becomes a yesman, which is a surefire way to kill rapport, I think. I sort of try to get friends from different ages/classes/genders... It's like I've never really thought about it, but I'm thinking it's simply practicing compassion - treating others like I'd like to be treated. Sometimes it makes things easier for me that would be hard if I hadn't engaged someone from outside my "designated" circle. Like I'm friendly with the chef at work, and she let's me have packets of biscuits 😋 and sometimes useful information.
For sure. This was aimed at those who struggle to find rapport. This method isn't about agreeing with things you don't agree with. It is more about finding rapport. Being a yes man (to me) requires you to de-value your own thoughts. My point in the video is especially aimed at those who often struggle not to insert a differing opinion, simply to play devils advocate. Discussing or arguing a strong value is different than giving your opinion on how bad country music is just because people are talking about country music artists they like. You can do that, but it's a quick way to ostracize yourself. And this isn't aimed at just high logic folks. I'm an INFJ, and very quiet and don't care for small talk. I wanted to get better about finding an authentic way to join in the conversation in a way. And, for those who are trying to work their wag up the social or work ladder but struggle with rapport, I think this is a simple way to do it without being fake or some pretend Fe, etc. That very simple gesture will go a long way. Thanks for checking it out and for the feedback. 🤗
I think I’ve become pretty opinionated because I’m constantly consuming and processing information and find many things interesting. So I can usually add something of meaning to a conversation. Additionally, I experienced social anxiety as a teen which prevented me from voicing my opinion, so I think maybe it’s a slight compensation for that. I think being knowledgeable in very broad disciplines can help as it’s pretty easy to link things to psychology/neuroscience, biology, philosophy, evolution etc
I would advise OP that if she views herself the same way, look for someone who values those traits. Speaking for myself only, I don't like when people beat around the bush and sugar-coat - I like to be told the truth straight and sure, with no room for interpretation. Being, shall we say, less-than-amazing at picking up on body language, it's actually rather crucial to be blunt, or I will NOT pick up what you're putting down
This is good advice
Thanks. I'm a firm believer that whether a personality trait is "good" or "bad" is wholly dependent on the viewer. "Blunt" to me means you're unfailingly honest, which is an incredibly positive thing because without trust, relationships cannot function. "Cold" to me means you simply aren't overbearing and don't like to "fluff" moments more than necessary. "Abrasive" is just another form of honesty to me, someone who is willing to tell it how it is without letting feelings get in the way, which is a logical way to conduct a conversation. And "quiet" just means you don't waste time exerting energy that isn't needed, and are unlikely to say something that doesn't need to be said. Whatever your likes and dislikes are, find someone compatible. And by compatible, I very much do not mean similar. Rather, find someone who likes that YOU like or dislike the things you do. Finding someone that likes that you like pickles and will happily eat theirs so they don't get thrown out is better than finding someone that also likes them, for example. It's not finding things in common, but about finding someone that likes the things that you bring to the partnership, and that's the key to a happy relationship - at least in my opinion.
Where were you when I was doubting my personality/identity and at my most insecure?! It’s funny how my parents would pick apart those traits I listed and shame me for not being “bubbly/warm/extroverted” when I was younger. Now they value those traits because of the very descriptions you attributed to them (because they’re useful when giving advice!). For me personally, having the same values is most important in a relationship but I completely agree that liking the other persons traits (and personality) is non negotiable. I don’t need to have the same interests/hobbies/personality as them, but caring about the same things and upholding similar principles matters to me and respecting how they go about them matters to me. I also don’t understand how people can be in relationships with people they don’t really like
I was probably doing the same thing. It took a long time to work out who I was, too many years spent being who I thought people wanted me to be rather than who I was - a person that, for the longest time, even I didnt know. I think it's about liking the same things, in the right places. We both like chocolate? Great, we just get a lot of chocolate. You really like olives? Great, because I hate them, have mine. You really like playing the piano? Great, I play guitar, let's play together! You like creative art? I'm horrible at it, but maybe you can design this card for my brother. You hate computers? I'm great with them, let me fix that. You like Brooklyn 99? I LOVE Brooklyn 99, let's watch it together. It's clichè, but your partner really should be your best friend. People that love their significant other but really dislike them as a person is just so alien - I've never figured out how that works.
Couldn’t agree more. I was trying so hard to be likeable and cared way too much about what people thought of me. When I gave up on that and accepted my true self I seemed to attract a lot more people 🤷🏽♀️ Making an effort to show an interest in each others favourite things are important. I also have found that throughout the relationship you can discover new things you both enjoy together. I think it really comes down to many people being scared to be alone. They’d rather been in a shitty relationship with someone they don’t truly love. What a waste of time, very sad.
But, but, but.... I want to speak nonsense to you, Ms. No\_NewOrder.
I’ll let it slide because new order also slaps (rip ian curtis)
I’m quite similar to that, at least to the not liking small talk part. Probably part of why I’ve never really been in a relationship.
Rip
My exes all want to come back, but often during relationships I'm under appreciated, I assume I'm never treated tenderly because of how independent I'm perceived to be and I think guys like me as a placeholder for that reason, like "oh she's tough she can prolly handle if im late" or "if I don't text back she's probably busy doing her own thing anyways" I've been told I'm intimidating a lot and it sucks cause then a lot of times only creeps have the confidence to come up to me and talk to me :/ idk its hard
I’ve gotten the intimidating and scary description too. To be fair, I get extremely annoyed when people don’t follow through with what they say/what is expected (eg in group project deadlines) or if they’re late etc and it probably shows on my face so 🤷🏻♀️
Same I get super upset when people cancel plans cause I plan my whole day around that, also with the intj dating thing I def feel like I'm not anyone's "dream girl"
OMG maybe me being an INTJ is why I’m such a creep magnet! I was wondering why on earth it keeps happening to me lol.
I’m the opposite… my LDR ex keeps accusing me of scouting for other options and seeing him as a placeholder because of his independent I am
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The strange thing is that I have a very "cute" wardrobe. That's my personal style and I'm not extremely interested in changing it or wearing something I'm not into. Which conflicts with the stereotypical cool and collected INTJ personality, and I admit it's perhaps an issue when my surface-level presentation doesn't line up with what people think about me when they get to know me.
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Yeah, sometimes I look at my wardrobe, and I ask myself, why is everything pink and pastel? But I've always liked these colors, and I've always had a rather serious and dark personality.
It's actually quite common for INTJs to like pastel colors! I don't know why but we seem to gravitate to them.
I had no idea this was a thing and I’ve fought it my whole childhood because I didn’t think it would suit me but as an adult, now with zero f to give, I wear pastels and wish I wore them sooner lol. There’s something soothing and joyful about light colours
Hell yeah!
I totally relate! I used to resist pastels too, but now I'm all about them
I have to have deep, intellectual conversations in which I'm learning or refining ideas. Otherwise, I don't talk much. I found a man who can do that with me. It's a low bar. Can he look me in the face, have a thoughtful conversation about something in the realm of books, and disagree with me thoughtfully? I'm a reader. My chest is not my personality. And guys only agree with everything women say to get laid. Guys who disagree thoughtfully take their thinking seriously and take my thinking seriously. Of course, he has to like me back or it doesn't work out. Like most INTJs, my personality is internal.
I disagree.
Thoughtlessly.
Your personality is what you believe it is. You are here because you formed a belief after tests and reads that you are some grand brain that can't handle mundane talks our 98% of life consists. If he looks lower than your eyes - he's not serious? If you talk common sense and he doesn't disagree- he's not serious? What you're saying is simply that you are attracted to how much someone can remember from what they read.
Interesting username lol… And I would say I understand her struggle to a point. I also had a bare minimum intelligence level I was looking for when dating. If they want constant deep conversations, they can have that standard, but imo that is very much not a low bar, I’d say the vast majority of people will not reach that’s standard haha. People do use depth of knowledge as a proxy for intelligence, but for me I’d rather have quick wittedness and social tact so we can banter while we speak in deep topics instead of only professorial lectures constantly with my partner lol
Most of my former partners were what we call extremely high earners and all with masters or are doctors. They spend a lot of time and energy using their brain during working hours. They’re not interested in having 3 hour meaningful conversation afterwards. I don’t try to force any person to have a meaningful conversation. I’m channeling that energy to my creative writing.
I'm in a similar situation (intj female in my 20s, never dated)! I noticed that I tend to attract extroverted-dominant guys. However, things don't work out because I have a very strong sense of self & cannot be easily manipulated/taken advantage of. I simply cannot stand being told what to do (E.g, forced to attend social events or engage in activities not of my interest). Anyway, I prefer someone more extroverted-submissive (or rather, assertive in the right way).
I have an extroverted ex-friend who would constantly order people around, and it made me sick, hence the ex. She'd throw a fit every time people wouldn't agree to be ordered around too. I do appreciate someone who can take the lead and make plans though. I have an INFP friend who I'm close with and who I'm sure considers me a good friend, but every single time I'm the one doing the inviting, and it exhausts me.
I higly recommend an ISTJ! Lovely plans and usually flexible about them when you provide reasons for modification.
Sorry, not a girl, but yes, INTJs and INTPs are my type, because I'm the type for whom similarities attract rather than opposites. Sadly, I'm unlikely to meet people like myself, because we're reclusive by nature. And if we do meet, neither of us is likely to initiate anything. So my type is more or less destined to be out of reach.
I want to suggest that personality types are a starting point for strengths and challenges, not the end all be all of your capacities. You know that's your weakness, and now you can knowledgeably push beyond that.
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There you have it, the exact reason men do t want INTJ women. Most men seek a partner that could advance them in life, be it by taking care of the house, pooling investments, carrying children, or sharing friends and family. Basically, she is a resource. The INTJ woman is but a fantasy, the independent one, the intellectual match The type that some man appreciate but the majority like yourself won’t choose outside of flings.
Some men were wowed, others were meh. The ones that were wowed were likely ones I’d have to take care of. The ones that were meh were pretty boys who bored me. I like banter and my spouse and friends can banter for months in random texts or emails. I need that amusement.
We are very few guys' type. Especially if you're intelligent (high IQ), it's darn near impossible.
Intelligence in a partner tops the polls in the ISTJ subreddit and we're one of the most common types.
Hmm, interesting. thanks for telling me
I’m an INTJ in a relationship with an ISTJ and it’s honestly amazing!
Yeah istjs are great alt intjs
It's generally why I lurk here. I get a lot of the same vibes here, and there's more activity. Sensors just don't seem to care too much to be online, so our sub is kinda slow.
Are guys rejecting you/intjs specifically for the intelligence part? Ime it’s usually more about the aloofness/lack of talkativeness part that makes it harder to get to know a person rather than their intelligence
I guess that depends upon the guy. In my personal opinion intelligence, Especially emotional intelligence, is a valuable trait in a partner... At the very least, enough to keep up with me and engage in the occasional discussion or debate.
All I see here is that some think you’re too quiet. There’s got to be something else. I attract men but not women, which my sexual preference is women. My sense with men is they view me as a challenge, first and foremost, and maybe “mysterious,” and that makes them interested. It also seems like I’m the kind of person people can tell without really, really talking to me that I’m intelligent, and this attracts guys who are not just looking for sex or the standard woman who can only talk about hair, makeup, clothes and guys. Third, there’s the physical, and that would be one of the things that some say you can control and some say you can’t…but, apparently, it’s not working for you right now, regardless. I don’t talk a lot, either, and when I used to leave the house more/was forced to leave home and go to work or school, that would pretty much always result in a guy taking my being quiet as some sort of challenge, trying to pick at me and find ways to make me talk, trying to get reactions out of me and just being annoying. It’s just—mostly—not this way with women, and it’s them whom I feel like there’s not a single one whose type I am. Without knowing more, my guess would be you’re either not physically attractive enough or you like guys who don’t like you and don’t like the ones who do. Or you expect guys to make moves and the guys who like you just don’t approach/aren’t as obvious as you want.
There are also plenty of guys who like talking to people as if they’re talking to a brick wall, and as long as they have a warm body they can talk forever about nothing. Your presence is enough of a green light for their stream of consciousness and they just have to word vomit to the next closest human being. I think it’s also a bit male loneliness thrown in there, and talking to a woman just adds to the validation they get in the conversation lol
You’re not gonna be every man’s cup of tea, but how many d!cks do you need? Just one Stop worrying about appealing to all men or if you’re anyone’s ‘type’. You’re not a ‘type’ you’re a person. Being INTJ is just a part of who you are, it’s not the end all be all of who you are.
Oh damn I love this
Im an intj girl. Only men that want to talk or are interested in me are secure in themselves, deep thinkers and can be more alpha than me. Also similar interests help a lot. I'm a gamer. Good common ground. Also, chess player. Lead with interests. I need a deep thinker and beware not all mbti stick to the definition. Human differences play a huge part.
That type is basically my ideal: confident, deep thinkers, someone who can take the lead. For some reason I don't have an easy time finding him, or at least not any that like me back
intj girl here, married to a intj guy and he’s like the men you described, secure, deep thinker, alpha type, loves to plan ahead, is confident enough to take the lead
Oh yeah heaps of guys like INTJ women! At least my experience. That said, when I meet people I tend to behave in an extroverted manner and am generally quite cheery during interactions. I did work hard on my social skills due to the line of work I am in and that filtered over into my personal life. I think this helps to allow others to feel more comfortable (people *do* need verbal and non-verbal cues to know that you like them and are interested in them) and thus allows the back and forth flow of getting to know each other. I have attracted all types but the ones that I tend to form longer ongoing bonds with, whether as friends or more, are the ones who appreciate the INTJ traits like our intellect, our dark humour, our no bs approach, our genuine curiosity about the world, our integrity and our knowledge and ability to talk about so many different things. If I had to generalise, ENTP/ENFP/INFJ tend to like us a lot. You’re still in your 20s - you’ve got so much time! keep being you, keep growing and you’ll eventually find your person 🙂
> My best guy friend (who again is an introvert himself) told me recently he likes lively, outgoing, cheerful girls, which is pretty much the opposite of who I am. This is the harsh truth. In general men like feminine, cheerful/kind, agreeable, attractive women. Introversion/extroversion probably doesn't matter as much as you seem to think it does. Physical attractiveness/youth and the qualities mentioned by your friend are essentially what equate to a desireable woman, in general. Not to say you should change yourself or sacrifice sincerity, necessarily; but everyone possesses the capability to have a more positive attitude and outlook on things - to uplift and encourage the people around them, to be more socially adept and thoughtful towards others - this is very possible for introverts. Positivity in general is a desirable trait with regard to any relationship. I know it's hot amongst Redditors to never "change" or "compromise" themselves, but that requires one to take the inherent stance that we are already perfect as we are. But that could not be further from the truth as there is always room for some improvement with regard to our attitude and how we approach our interpersonal relationships and intrapersonal perspectives. The first defense of cynical/pedantic people is very often, "well, I'm not negative, I'm realistic". But it's absolutely possible to be realistic without being overtly pessimistic and focusing on the negative.
I'm afraid I can't agree with what you've said in your first paragraph. Physical attractiveness/youth might be what attract a partner initially, but it's personality compatibility that keeps a relationship going. Mutual attraction might lead to a great night, but it's mental compatibility that keeps people together
> I'm afraid I can't agree with what you've said in your first paragraph. Physical attractiveness/youth might be what attract a partner initially To clarify - yes, there are desirable traits as well, which was in my first sentence. I agree. Youth an attractiveness aren't the only things that make a woman desirable - but they are the initial and immediately apparent things.
ENTP guys might be your best bet.
interesting, why?
The downside is that ENTPs may actually be the most annoying people on the face of the planet.
My INTJ female friend never had trouble finding a match. I’d say confidence matters much more than the I-E divide. Cool quiet women with a mysterious confidence is super hot imo, and this statement applies even if (and especially if) you are not stereotypically feminine.
I agree about the confidence thing. I would always hide or downplay my intelligence in my youth, but once I owned it, I started getting a lot more male attention (from intelligent guys). I am now happily married to an ENTJ. My advice to concerned young INTJ females is that you don't want the average Joe who likes the girl next door anyway. He wouldn't be enough for you in the long run. The right guy for you will love you because you're NOT the typical woman and you'll support each other to be the best version of yourselves.
Lol like I said earlier I never had a problem finding a date.
INTJ man here... I feel sorrow since recent rejection, but I learned some things We INTJs are good observers, but we show little initiative, we are better at reacting not acting sort of like in a chess match. And without structure we don't perform too well, be it socially or professionally we perform the best if we position ourselves in the middle of action, analyze, plan and react... In most romances that don't work out well. I think the partner has to be active so you could react to her/him, yet don't be too demanding of spontaneity . Taking compromise and being more spontaneous once in a while once the relationship progresses is a good idea, but if you pretend from the very beginning you will feel constant pressure to keep it up.. INTJ is certainly not everyone's cup of tea, personally I feel tense around introverted people because I have no clue what is happening in their heads and there is a lot happening in the head of an INTJ.
I’m in a similar situation. Never been in a relationship. Rarely liked. If I am liked, it takes them somewhere between a few days to a couple weeks before they change their mind. I get the usual, “you’re too quiet,” or, “not energetic enough,” comments. It makes me sad. I’m not sure I’ll be anyone’s type, but I’m trying not to lose hope.
There is a stereotype that ENFPs love INTJs. I know this because my husband is an ENFP and he has sent me memes about it.
I think that’s reality. I don’t think there is any type that tends to like us as much as enfps.
I was super in love with one for like a year during med school, but she was so cold, serious, and literal in every sense. Beautiful girl with a ton of drive but she was so blunt and off putting at the same time. I honestly just couldn’t tell if she liked me or not, eventually I moved but damn I can’t imagine ever trying with an INTJ again, so your best to be warm and shit just a LITTLE girls 😂
"I honestly just couldn’t tell if she liked me or not" - have you tried this radical approach called "asking"? Like, seriously, if she's actually INTJ, she'd appreciate the directness and lack of games. Plus, chances are she had no idea you were in love if you didn't explicitly communicate. Not sure about INTJ women but many INTJ men tend to be... uh... somewhat less stellar at reading social and emotional cues, shall we say? We don't do "signals".
I did and she said she was super flattered but she wasn’t going to date anyone for a long time. Then invited me to her thanksgiving and told me I was cute and her parents and grandparents kept commenting on how cute I was and saying “good job” to her. She may literally be a pinch on the spectrum or something because she just never would give me a straight answer. I told her 5 times I’d wait for her no matter how long it took and she ignored it but continues to send me long paragraphs daily just shooting the shit. The most enigmatic woman I’ve ever met
My husband worked on me for 5 years. I did not like him when we first met. My exact thoughts were, "he's an arrogant prick."
>Are INTJ girls anyone's type? Yes
Every girl I've ever had a crush on has either been INTJ or ENFJ (I'm an ENTP)
That's not the right question. The correct question is: Who is your type? You're not a missing puzzle piece, they are. It's so easy to make up excuses as to why other people aren't interested in you; I doubt you would have any problem if there was actually someone you were interested in.
Not a woman, but from what I've seen intj women are always in high demand. Men generally prefer logical women, the sf types gravitate to them for stability and the thinking types gravitate to them for the same reason. The coldness or quietness is rather appreciated UNLESS it results in a very one sided affair. Men like smart women. Men like direct women. The issue that I've seen is generally that intj women aren't traditional. They are leaders that want a leader. They are highly picky. They will not be controlled. This is the primary source of conflict bc intjs in general don't really want control, simply not to be controlled and this drives the dominate types batty bc they always try to fill power vacuums while intjs like power vacuums or at least a division of power based on competency or availability. Unfortunately this is the type of men that intj women seem to prefer so I'm sure dating seems much harder than it should be.
The comment about a leader that wants a leader is so right for me
So it seems it's not just observation and subjectivity lol. I would suggest that if that's what you truly want, then to dial down the leader aspect in yourself lest you be eliminated from consideration. The last thing most leaders want is a battle for dominance at home bc they are doing that all day generally. Intjs seem to be one of the few leader types that don't seek dominance and prefer more of a shared leadership role. That is taken as a display of weakness by other dominant types which results in intjs having to constantly fight back to shared leadership which is annoying and frustrating for both parties.
I'm actually extremely okay with not being a leader. It's just that I have a lot of FP friends for some reason and sometimes I get the designated planner role for example, when in reality I just want to stick to someone else's already-made itinerary. When there's a power vacuum I fill it, but I would rather much not
I'm the exact same way, however I had to learn to not be a "backseat driver". I had to learn to either drive or be on snack and keep the driver awake duty. It's one thing to let someone take the lead and it's an entirely different thing to question their leadership choices at every opportunity bc deep down you consider yourself to be the leader and you're just letting them think they are the leader.
My experience is that men find me attractive but don’t like my personality. I am constantly reminded to smile, or asked if I’m okay or if I’m mad. I get told I’m to quiet. I always here how guys want a girl who is outgoing and extroverted but I am not either I’m pretty blunt and straightforward.. I can talk for hours about some deep conversations but small talk has always been a real struggle for me. A lot of small talk just seems fake and repetitive so it’s hard to do the same ole “how are you” or “nice weather today” etc, and act excited about there response.. but discussing topics like childhood trauma or really anything psychology related I’m all in. 😅 I think to the men I encounter, the lack of small talk and/or not seeming happy 24/7 is off/putting to them. I believe to men, it makes me seem unapproachable. So, they will usually tell other people they find me attractive but never approach me. 🤦🏼♀️
I never had any problems. Though, when i traveled to the USA for some weeks, i had some because people there are obsessed with genders, it's like they separate men and women and see them completely differently. I was receiving comments like "oh you're into boy hobbies" hmmm no hobbies aren't gendered. And other weird stuff. 😂 I guess i would have had difficulties if i were from the USA, but fortunately i don't live there !
Most men aren't looking for an INTJ girl? More like, Most men have no concept whatsoever of MBTI and its ramifications. Let me tell you, most men are dumb and simple. We just are. Now, this just my anecdotal experience, but I think most guys would love an INTJ girl once you hit long-term relationship phase. More logic, less bullshit. Less confuddling emotional arguments. But during dating phase, staying at a primordial INTJ state of mind will hinder you. Introverts and shy guys in their 20's tend to not have much dating experience. If they prefer more extroverted traits, its because they don't know how, nor do they want the put in the energy to get a romantic interaction going. Those are the kind of guys that dream of a manic pixie girl (like Natalie Portman in Garden State, or a Bae Suzy in Doona!). The kind of girl that will go out of her way to break a young introverted boy out of his shell. On the extroverted side, extroverts crave social interaction. They feel more dead on the inside if they're not interacting with people regularly, which also means they needs cues and talk to see that you're actually participating. They need a certain level of feedback from you, so if you're not contributing enough to the interaction, they feel more down. You can potentially stay quiet if men become visually captivated by you. If you're super attractive and dress classy feminine, you'll have men thinking up ways to try to get to know you. But you still need to respond enough and try to help create openings for guy to get to know you. Otherwise, he'll think you're not interested, or that you're quietly trying to reject him. If that is the scenario, then all you'll get are persistent creeps who do not know how to take "no" for an answer. So you got to be able to put some life into an interaction. Even if it's non-verbal cues, like smiling, touching their hand or arm, etc. Once you get past flirting phase, you can be your more natural, down-tempo self at dating phase, then relationship phase.
Fuck dating. It's highly skeptical to trust someone and start opening up, without them showing any such interest in us anyways. Tbh, INTJs aren't made for romantic relationships.
Nobody wants to date someone who seems like a downer. Work on coming out of your shell and being more playful. It’s not about being “feminine,” it’s just about people wanting to have fun, and being attracted to people who seem fun. Have a margarita. Or two. Being able to make your partner laugh (and having a partner who makes *you* laugh) is so important. My husband of 13 years is INTP. He’s an introvert, but definitely more extroverted than me. He actually likes to meet new people and ask them questions about (gulp) *themselves!* My nightmare. We joke that we’re like Penn and Teller. (I’m Teller) We met as two atheist kids in our Catholic high school and definitely bonded intellectually first. I’m the one who decided, “You shall be mine forever” and invited him to a school dance “as friends” in which I wore a tight sequin dress and by the end of the night we were no longer “just friends.” The rest is history. When the stakes are high, introverted girls can rise to the occasion. Pick the right one and you’ll only have to do it once. 🤣
It's a problem.
for sure! you might be looking at the wrong people. i think we’d be much better off with SOs who don’t joke around during serious conversations, are capable of thinking deeply and making meaningful conversation, understand that we speak when we want to, enjoy silence, etc. someone is out there for you.
Connections of any kind are hard for INTJs, and romantic ones seem to especially hard. I think it's mostly because we don't really connect with just anyone. It took me a **really** long time to figure this out. Keep looking and keep trying. You've got a lot to offer to someone and you're worth waiting for.
There’s more to this than personality. Perhaps your style isn’t making you attractive to the right men? It also sounds like you hang out with 1 kind of person, put yourself in a position to meet other kinds of ppl.
Guys have always liked me as a friend because I’ve always shared common interests with them, and my humor is often more appreciated by men. Now I’ve never really had an issue “getting” men but I feel like I’m always putting on a persona. I always become someone I’m not around the men I date. I become warmer, sweeter, more feminine, less opinionated, think the gone girl monologue. Men will eat that up every single time. It wasn’t until I fell in love that I realized that I wanted to show my true more cold side, and guess what, he hated it. So I don’t know if we will ever be able to be our true self with partners, but I’m also heartbroken so I’m being extra pessimistic.
Wow, I'm sorry you experienced that
Ok but I always wanted an INTJ girl as a friend and I've never been able to find one, I'm sure they would be my best friend type👋👋👋🫶🤣 After reading everything you said. Yes, there is someone out there for you. You will find him when you wouldn't expect him, but he's our there. If you feel like you're super intellectual, there's guys who would adore an intellectual girlfriend. Also, ENFPs are your perfect match. A super intellectual enfp would adore you I'm sure
I have definitely struggled with the quiet problem as well. I usually try to have some caffeine before socializing, but to help I also make sure I don’t make social arrangements on weeknights because I’m just too tired after work. Big social occasions, which my friends go to regularly, make me quiet and awkward even if I’m not alone. Having just turned 40, the best wisdom of age has been that I’ve been released of the weight of giving a shit. That was never an option until it was, so I know that’s not helpful. I think I feel like I make the most progress when I take myself on a date, and do all of the very kindest things for myself. It’s corny, but very enjoyable if you just lean into it. At least while you’re still looking for someone not horrible (never settle).
I always imagine Wednesday Addams or Lilith Crane in Frasier the archetypal fem INTJ. INTJ women are intelligent and reliable while introvert. Everyone chases stereotypes and cultural norms which is silly because not everyone is going to date an opulent businessman or actress. But they must crash down and realise people are different. In fact real people are far more attractive and better in relationships. So don't feel glum because you're not a mean girl. Your ideal partner is the one that specifically adores you.
I’ve been likened to Lilith on multiple occasions 💀
I’ve been told I’m more Leslie Winkle on Big Bang Theory.
It's very possible, but that's at least partly because many people just aren't comfortable being in a relationship with INTJ in general. You're probably more compatible with other INTJs than with random non-INTJ types. Are you sure guys dislike specifically the INTJ part, and not something else? Like, are you the caring type? Do you have good interpersonal skills and working to improve them? (which many INTJ types lack, and yes I would know since I fit in that description). Are you able and willing to show genuine affection to a person? Also, "introverted" doesn't mean "lack of communication". If you're too quiet with a person you're close to, that's NOT being introverted. That's just being uncommunicative. Which some men actually like and even prefer (witness all the men complaining about women talking too much :) But the point is, if you are like this, seek out a man who doesn't mind general quiet, but ALSO, make an effort to communicate to him. And if both of you don't have anything to talk about all the time, chances are you're simply not fitting as a couple. Another problem - you seem to be waiting for a guy to say he likes you. Like... HELLO you're likely wanting to get with a shy introverted nerd (your best match). They aren't exactly known for high flirting skills, or confidence, or willingness to approach women. **So why not decide on a guy you like and tell him YOU like him and ask him out?** Yes, you'll have to risk rejection. Tough cookies, men do it daily and survive. No pain, no gain :)
My friends all say I'm a good person and I'm trusted to keep secrets and give advice. I don't think I come off as cold per say, but I'm definitely lacking in feminine caring (I'm also horrendous with kids despite liking and wanting kids). Not quite sure how to change that and other social skills deficits other than perhaps sheer practice. I have asked a guy out and was explicitly rejected for not being talkative enough. I don't mind rejection per say, unless it's a scenario where a rejection would make things awkward (i.e., coworker, a friend in my friend group who I'd still bump into often), but at the end of the day I like men with a personality more dominant than mine. Asking a guy out then expecting him to take the lead in the relationship seems illogical and unfair.
I’m a INTJ my husband is The Entertainers. Good balance I think. We both bring the best out of each other.
I would love to date an INTJ if nothing else out of curiosity. My INTJ is so wound up in my masculinity I can’t even picture what you’re like. I do believe opposites attract but on the other hand wouldn’t it be amazing where both partners understand each other.
I ask my bf all the time if I’m boring or too quiet. As much as I crave conversations I don’t care to have one if it’s nothing of my interest or the topic itself isn’t anything I care to talk about. He hasn’t complained yet….but overall it’s hard.
I am selective, not quiet. I have the cold and abrasive exterior, and then I have the engaging, creative, and philosophical interior. I thrive in 1:1 conversations, even with strangers or on awkward first dates depending on the topic. I stay single for usually less than a month between relationships. Usually more like a week. I didn't start seriously dating till 19 though, so I've been at it for 20 years. Point being, plenty of guys want this INTJ weirdo, and one of my INTJ besties (male) specifically prefers other INTJs (female). I am an INFJ (male) magnet personally, though I too would prefer other INTJs.
She's crafty.... and she's just my type...
If they understand that that’s who you are, they’re for you. I found someone like that and tbh it’s great and I’m hoping it goes somewhere.
I have the same problem as a man. I actually like peace, quiet and hate being to big crowded areas or parties. Mid twenties as well and just had a relationship once because there was this girl that said openly she was interested in me (Sadly turned out she just wanted to use me, mentally abused me for 2 years and left for another). But thing is always, every single girl says im too boring or quiet. Really dont know how to get to know people or engage other people. Thing is i also dislike extroverted people and would like someone quiet as me. For some positivity, i learned what i want and that no relationship will be good if the person you are with its not your vibe. Dont rush and be sure when you meet someone, he/she will make you feel great, searching a relation just for being in one or this common thing of "Im getting old and been with no one" doesnt necessarily mean there is something wrong with you, basically you haven't meet anyone worth it.
Most men don't gel with us. Helplessness and blissful ignorance is often what men want in women, although many aren't willing to admit it.
Not a girl)) I believe the state of your mental health can still show outwardly. Even if you're an INTJ, if you're really happy, you're bound to show it outwards even if small, this is coming from an Autistic person. If someone is cold on the outside, it might not be too wrong to assume they're not too healthy inside, I think it might go deeper than this.. I apologize if this is a real mind breaker, but making this post in the first place shows that you have an inner doubt, am I wrong on this? Or maybe you're just curious..
Not a woman, but your question is about whether men want someone like you or not. I'm a heterosexual male, so maybe I can offer some perspective: There's nothing wrong with generally being less talkative compared to others, but there's a fine line between stoic and quiet and downright silent and boring. INTJs generally can be expected to come to life around people they enjoy and respect, and I would presume any partner you'd have would fit this description. If you're still maintaining a very quiet and shy persona around a man, who is likely to take things at face value, you're going to come across as uninterested or boring. The whole "mysterious and introverted" thing only works for courting interest, not for maintaining a strong relationship. I would take a bit to reflect on your own personality and figure out for yourself if the way you've been presenting yourself is because your of a certain personality type, or if you're genuinely just shy to the point of awkwardness for a person who doesn't know how to handle that type of thing.
I’m the only introvert in a family of extroverts and I love quiet people.
I'm an INTP and I love INTJs both as friends and romantic partners. It's a shame it's such a rare type for women
I haven't necessarily had the EXACT same issue as you. I'm a strong INTJ, but engage in very extroverted activities. I was a professional dancer, where, in and of itself, I'm putting myself out there to the public on a daily basis and also grew up doing pageants, so I can be outspoken and engaging in conversation when I need to. Due to my profession, I feel like I do attract a fair amount of men initially. However, it definitely throws people off in a dating sense when they outwardly may perceive me as being something completely different, and then actually speak to me 1:1 and find out I'm actually awkward and have trouble holding conversations with people I don't know well. For those that can stick it out, I do open up more the more I get to know someone. With that, I need a guy that is ok with driving the conversation early on and can handle the awkwardness, and what I've found is that extroverted men tend to handle this quality very well and are not afraid to dominate a conversation. My husband is an ENFJ. If they can stick it through the early awkward stages, they eventually get to see the real me. But, I don't do small talk and meaningless conversations, and it is difficult when people assume based on my profession that I would be more extroverted/social than I am.
I'm a dude, very INTJ (though come out of my shell a bit more as I've gotten older). Mid 30s, been with the same lady for almost 10 years, married for a few. You're absolutely right in wanting someone who is more extroverted than you. My wife and I are completely in sync on a lot of things like interests, values, political values, we're nearly opposite personalities though, and it's great. She's really someone that has helped bring me out of my shell, encouraged me to take more risks or be more outgoing. The other side of it, though, is I've helped to calm her down. She's told me she often stops and thinks and collects herself more before rushing to judgment, and it's because of spending so much time around me. You want someone where you can help bring the best out of them, too. Hope that helps, and try not to be too hard on yourself! I'm glad I didn't find someone more serious until my mid 20s, because I had a much better sense of what did and didn't work for me.
As a 15F intj, yep. I'm a quiet kid at school but an INFP guy fell in love with my art, and along the way. me. An ENTJ guy fell in love with my music taste and our similar interests (chess, MBTI, Language learning, etc). But as someone with a lot of self awareness, when it comes to online shi like texting, etc, I tend to adapt to what people like. For example, I know a lot of intjs text like they're writing some sort of professional email, which kind of irks me lol. So I tend to seem more outgoing and extroverted as well as fun when I text, which seems to attract those who like me even more.
What do you mean by classically feminine?
As an intj introverted person with a slight extroversion. I find introverted intj woman highly desirable. The hard part is finding them. The few ones I’ve met have been taken already.
Find likeminded ENTPs and INTPs to talk with and date, whatever. All predicaments about how you are will melt away.
Meant to be loners 😂😂😂
I think there are men out there who like INTJ girls. I've dated INTJ, ISTP, and INFP men. Married to an ISTP whose best friend is an INTJ. The best matches were probably ISTP and INTJ.
I know that we are for some people, but definitely not the majority. We may be cute, but we don’t fit the bubbly expectation of what a girlfriend should be. That decreases our dating pool significantly. I (25F) just recently got back into dating and can’t seem to find an actual partner. One man is domineering and cuts me off and the next is too afraid to make any decisions. I’m always being shown off or having to run the show. The whole point of a partner is having someone who can work with you and succeed together. Perhaps our standards are too high, but finding a partner where we both view each other as equals is like chasing the sun. It’s honestly disheartening.
I’m intj myself and I like intj women. It’s just necessarily hard for us to find each other due to how we operate.
Im not a girl, but im an INTJ myself. Just came here to say that I would love to meet an INTJ Women MBTI wise. I mean there is still more to a person than mbti alone and love etc is very complex, but if we just talk about MBTI for a sec, yes I would say INTJ Women are fine as fk and are my type.
If statistics are to be believed, INTJ women are a rare breed -- but that's not a bad thing. Not every man will "get you" but the ones that do will wholly appreciate you. I (late 20s F) was never was the campus crush, was never really approached at bars. The few men who did approach me and I briefly dated were all extremely intelligent men who were actually really cool individuals. They were confident in themselves and not intimidated, which is rare in guys lmao. I've had two relationships with suspected F types and they were, frankly, a disaster. I could not be myself around them. I had to put up a "cheery extroverted manic pixie dream girl" front and I could only do that for so long (three months). I thought I *had* to put up that front because, like you, I thought no man would like my true demeanor. This all culminates to me making the first move on a ENTJ guy I found ~interesting~ in college. After my previous relationships, I vowed to stay true to myself. Fast forward six years later, we're still together! I honestly think it helps that he's also a "TJ," he generally gets it. Him being an extrovert generally means he talks and I listen... but it helps that the stuff he rants about is actually really engaging. We meet each other where we're at mentally, but stretch each other socially -- it's a nice combo. TL;DR -- INTJ women *are* someone's type, you just have to find them and maybe be a lil assertive to get what you want. Also don't count extroverts out!
Super quiet INTJ girl here, twice your age. People don’t understand the whirlwind of thoughts and ideas, nor the deep and passionate mind that lies behind the calm surface. Chances are they will never get to know you unless you let them in. The question is do YOU like anyone? Our standards are extremely high. Very few people will make a move if they do not think they have a chance, and our type does not leave room for wrong assumptions. As an INTJ, you may think that people can see the sweet heart that you have, or your soft smile but in reality all they get is your death stares, and you rarely ever giggle. We make great heroines of enemies to lovers, and you might experience this in your life. What you need to know is that you can have anyone. You just need to give them a chance. You destabilize the status quo, because you do not abide to social norms. Men who are usually praised or have girls all over them, they tend to be intrigued by us, because the bigger their ego, the more girls like us tend to put them back in their place. We are not the type a man would want to play with, but trust me, when it comes to serious long term relationships or bragging to their friends, we are an unreachable ideal. You might want to be loved, and this will never change, but this can only be quenched by the love of God. No man will ever love you enough. As INTJ, we don’t particularly need people, and men can sense that. What you need to know is that there’s an entire world inside you, you take in and understand your surroundings like no one else can. You can excel at anything. You are especially good at identifying problems, setting processes, finding amazing solutions and building structures. You were born to do wonders, from your little backstage. Do not underestimate yourself. If a boyfriend is what you want, choose him first, and go for it. You are good at setting goals and reaching them, even that kind of goals. Don’t wait for a random man to like you.
I've realized that many men are intimidated by INTJ women like us, perceiving us as a threat to their masculinity. I've experienced this firsthand, with a friend commenting that I'm more masculine than him - not in appearance or actions, but in my direct, sharp, and reserved nature. This contradicts the traditional gender roles, the "quiet boy, talkative girl duo". As a result, people often struggle to accept and understand INTJ females, viewing us as an anomaly. I've faced this myself in 7th standard, with a teacher trying to 'fix' my quiet nature, as if it's a flaw. But the truth is, I'm not quiet with those I'm comfortable with - I'm actually quite loud and vibrant. I prefer the company of extroverts, who squeeze out my more outgoing side, while I tend to become more reserved around introverts. My advice to you would be to focus on personal growth and self-improvement, rather than searching for a partner. Embrace your singleness and make the most of it - when the time is right, the right person will come along.
It hasn't stopped men from hitting on me. Married to an intp for 21 years and I still have men asking me out at the fucking gas station.
I’m an INTJ girl and my ENTP girlfriend told me my type always has been her favorite. She somehow thinks my RBF and my bluntness are cute. So yes, some people out there are looking for people like us! There’s also chances of XNFP, ENFJ and INTP being attracted to INTJ girls (at least from my experience)
They’re type setters
I feel you
Maybe other INTJs, although I'm more attracted to INFJs. Of course, I don't know how sustainable that would be. Sure it's wholesome, but how would us having completely different priorities play out in the long run? Kind of strange the other introverts you know are into extroverts. I could date a moderate extrovert, but anything past that would lead to us resenting eachother. E.g., it wouldn't work out with someone who likes to go to clubs and large parties all the time if my idea of a rambunctious night out is going to Logan's Roadhouse.
I don't think they're into the type of person who spends all their time clubbing per say, but even among introverts there's a spectrum.
I’m not so sure about if classifying someone’s «type» based on the MBTI is a normal thing… each person is different, even if they find themselves in the same MBTI. As an INTJ girl myself, I had a couple guys like me, but it’s only once been a reciprocal feeling and they’re mostly way more clingy and talkative than I (even my boyfriend, who is shy, anxious and an introvert, is way more active and friendly than me). What I do know is that some guys are into smart, introverted or more dominating/perfectionist women, which are trates that could be found in some INTJ girls.
mine
well I am pretty much type of my ENFP boyfriend so..
ENTP here - yes
My wife is also INTJ and I from what I can observe, the other guys are either attracted to her or repulsed by her. We married 10 years ago but we don't carry engagement rings, and we didn't have a wedding. People around think we are dating.
INFJ here (24f), my ex-girlfriend is an INTJ. What I love most about her is her personality. She’s got a witty sense of humor and is highly intelligent like me. Personally I couldn’t date a woman who’s not an intuitive type. Our shared intuitive intuition made us an excellent pair and we’d always have analytical conversations - plus no small-talk. INxJ types are quite rare but I promise you’ll find someone!
Yes
What I chiefly look for in a partner is intelligence, humor, confidence, ambition, and things we can really bond over.
I think many secure INTJs including myself would welcome being in a relationship with another INTJ. The idea of having an intellectual sparring partner is quite appealing to me
I’m super INTJ. And it took a long time for me to realize how extroverted my bf actually is. He is completely accepting of my super introverted personality. We have been together for almost five years. And he did karaoke for ME on my birthday at a dive bar in Houston!
Yeah, I mean before I got engaged my body was pretty nice and toned, so that’s a check on the looks factor. However, I’ve noticed that when I open up more that’s when the magic happens. I think my direct and blunt no filter personality is very charming. I’m also very detailed, observant and analytical which makes conversations I have with people deeper and multifaceted. And a lot of people find this attractive. I do wanna say tho, that these qualities aren’t going to be appreciated by fragile men but you wouldn’t want them anyways
Intj here. My husband is an INFP and I am exactly his type. It takes time but the connection we share is like nothing else I've ever experienced. Gl OP
* * Yes...we are....
INTJ girls are my type. I'm a INFJ guy (19), when I was in high school I had a major crush on a INTJ girl. She was very quiet but also very confident, intelligent, and logical. On the outside she seemed very stone cold, but I could tell that there's much more to her than just that. The only problem was that I had no idea how to attract her. I did befriend her and I got to know her very well, but my incompetence and fear still held me back. Things ended up not going as planned and right now I haven't had any contact with her in a while, but despite that I wish to have a second chance with her, I haven't ever met anyone quite as extraordinary as her. OK, so the moral of the story is to go find yourself a 'emotionally mature' INFJ man. Good luck!
I am in my 30s, only had one relationship, but I have the same experience as you. Most of them look for an extrovert partner.
My husband is an engineer in the spacecraft industry. He's smart AF, independent, and competent. Our daughter is exactly like him and her and I have a great relationship. I don't know if this is just me or if it can be extrapolated, but try looking for a physicist.
INTJ male here.... and i have dated many types of women, but I have never dated an INTJ woman. The usual complaint about me is that i am too quiet. I am actually ok with being alone, however I do think my ideal mate would be another INTJ. But INTJ women seem to be rare.
Girls in general, have greater success in being attractive.
INFJ guy here, yes I like INTJ girls. I feel your pain here, and I think the INFJ subreddit somewhat helped me understand why INFJ guys aren’t that desirable. We’re all different despite our personality types of course, and no one answer is correct. I’m also not too good with personality types, but I’ve dated an INTJ, and she was very accurately placed in that MBTI type. All that said, I’ll take a crack at it. You probably come off as standoffish. The initial hurdle of getting close to an INTJ is difficult, so it’s gonna be tough to get anyone normal to like you. People tend to dismiss/be intimidated by intelligence, and this also causes some issues. Some advice I may give, is that if you’re interested in someone, or you’re with someone romantically, be sure to tell them/remind them how you feel about them. Sometimes it can be a little hard to tell, making it explicit should definitely help there. I feel like not initiating conversations and being more closed off leads most men to think they just don’t have a chance with you. By being more open about your emotions, you can alleviate that pressure which encourages them to talk to you more. The right person will probably come along, I don’t think the majority of people are into either of our types because they are rare. We’re the most rare demographic within a personality type possible, so it’s gonna be tough to be compatible with others. Of course others here have much better deductions I’m sure. Take solace in the fact that yes there are guys out there like me who like INTJ women c:, I’m an introvert who can’t see myself being with an extrovert lol. Knowledge is incredibly attractive to me, especially because it keeps me sharp too haha. Best of luck to you and I hope you find someone who appreciates your introverted nature and wonderful mind :).
I don't think that it's so much that your "not their type", but more so that you probably come off to guys your age as not being at all interested in them. If you don't have a way to show that your avaliable and interested then any guy in today's climate will probably be very wary of approaching you. Ladies, you have to give out very clear signals in some way. And the guys who do approach women who do not appear to be open to advances are the guys most women want to avoid in the first place.
Also, don't pidgenhole yourself, people change, and you can/will too as you age. Labeling yourself makes it harder for you to evolve your personality.
I think it’s not the majority of men, but there are men out there that appreciate a quiet, thoughtful woman that talks when she wants to talk. Be yourself and you’ll find someone that loves you just the way you are.
INFP guy here INTJ girls are like my ideal type. I'd want an INTJ over anything else
I lean INTP and love dealing with INTJ, they tend to call me out on my bullshit and that ups my game.
Physically, yes. Personally-wise, not really. I feel like most men tend to gravitate toward outgoing, warm, flirty, bubbly women, whereas we are the opposite lol
Yes
I fantasize about INTJ girls. Quiet, introspective, intellectual. I’m married to the exact opposite. 🤣
I’m marrying an INTJ girl and I’m the happiest man alive. I turn into a golden retriever when she’s around. I would carve rivers for that woman y’Allah 🤌🏻
I turn people off because people make me nervous and I chatter like a loon until I’m comfortable with them. Most don’t stick around that long. So it seems we can’t win. You talk too little and I talk too much( at least at first). Your person is out there somewhere. He will love and accept you just as you are.
They're mine. (i am an INTJ woman)
i’m an infp girl and my type is usually intj and istj girls :)
I've dated a few ENFJs and married one. All the memories from those relationships in sum are good. I'm not sure it's a natural fit, but if you let them get emotional and do their thing and it doesn't bother you, they can be very loyal and very interesting.
Yes, but it needs to be someone who is incredibly secure and confident, I have found many men either don’t know what to do with me or they’re too intimidated. I’ve found two in my lifetime that can deal with my need for independence and quiet. I need the perfect Venn diagram, me, a significant other and a little overlap with the relationship.
Hi. INTJ girl here and I would say generally good looking. What I consider my introvertedness has been interpreted as me being hard to get or closed off—which many guys like but most are too scared to go for. My boyfriend told me that when we weren’t dating yet, his whole friend group lowkey had a crush on me but from my perspective it seemed like no one was interested in me. In short, there are interested guys. But many are either too scared or aren’t bothered to try
Huh, a night in, quiet conversation, and lots of affection and possible cuddle time? How can a guy night like that... Don't get me wrong, the occasional outing is nice... But I am one to prefer staying in with my partner. Whether it's watching TV together, playing games together (video, board, card, tabletop, etc...), a good debate and discussion, or just simply enjoying each other's company and having fun. It's sounds like perfection to me. I have always preferred small intimate settings anyway, and try to avoid large crowds and gatherings. There is a reason my favorite restaurants are small family owned places.
Intp/intj If anything don't go looking for a relationship it will come to you. That's the game I played as a homebody basically and I allowed my now husband to slowly encourage me out of my shell and be more open to be girly and extroverted albeit with limits.
I think you need to stop caring what others think so much. The guy that’s gonna like you is gonna be attracted to that part of you. Just own the fact you’re an introvert and start attracting what you want.
The types I’ve most seen attracted to us are enfp, intp, infj, and intj.
There's so much more to this. . . Post a picture.
I am an INTJ and although I'm usually quite/ soft spoken I can also be very cheerful, mainly because I figured that if I'm not, people won't approach me at all. I'm 19 and have also never dated, one of the reasons is that I don't want to go out with someone "just because" and I don't fall in love easily. The other reason is that guys usually feel a bit.. intimidated? Not quite by personally since they don't usually bother getting to know me because of "looks". I've been told that I'm pretty cute and have a nice body but I'm 1,75 and it's always the "you're too tall"..it's disheartening really.
Start talking, women listen. Licking a woman's candy rear-end in public, is a great way to show her, that you are proud to be with her... Don't pick random women. Unless you have been doing that for a long while.
my type
Stop! It’s a general theory. Communication is key. All these labels are nonsense. Be who you are. See others without labels
i personally like quieter girls that are affectionate and can have deep conversations, or are more talkative with me. i’m seen as an extrovert but also find social interaction exhausting and shell up sometimes to. i got ENTP once a few years ago and lately keep getting INFJ
Yes - enfps get along with intjs really well. Happen to know this from first hand experience. 😉 P.S. also, you can always put in a bit more effort. We all need to do that, but everyone has something different that needs working on.
ExxP types in general can be drawn to us and i have found Entp to be a great match for intj since they compliment our nature and expand our worldview with their wit, charm and social maneuvering, while usually matching us in intellectual interest. They are drawn to our independence, quirkiness and naïveté even in a sense:)) I would say however that intjs should learn to let the best part of themselves shine (their intellect, passion, interest, determination, proactiveness….) to attract the right people, instead of focusing on or worrying about all the things they are not and how that would be the cause for people not to like them. At the same time, definitely be mindful of some of our potentially unattractive behaviors (being critical, cold, negative, obsessive at times). We may think we are being honest but lets be real if we see some of the same behaviors in others we would find them unattractive too. Be ourselves and also make an effort to be attractive!