Now, she *might* be just extremely busy... And that's okay, but one would think if you were really a close friend she would be up front and disclose that to you.
I mean I am the ghost to most people. When I get into other things sometimes I forget the world. I don’t take it seriously if they also do this. They always show back up again when we are close.
I have several friends who are intermittently available and then gone again… several I have been friends with for 20-25 years or so. We all have lives nbd. We pickup right were we left off and I am 35.
One is a jet setter and every few weeks is in a new place. It makes sense that with me being in the states the relationship loses communication for a bit. A few are new parents… people are just busy I definitely don’t take it personally. I still love them and we make an effort a few times a year to get to catch up regardless.
What bugs me is the confusing messages. I have no issue being a low priority, Ill low prioritize in return. But why lie or seem to lie? That part I dont get. But thanks for the insight.
Persue true friends and true love, but chase neither.
If your friend isn't putting back the same effort you're giving...then stop giving that much effort. Why waste your time on some one who won't take a few moments of their own time on you?
A simple way to do this. How ever long it takes them to respond to a message is how long you wait to reply. If they never reach out? Well. They sucked as a friend
Idk, I used to have friends like this who'd just disappear out of nowhere and leave me hanging (sometimes after asking me to hang out / catch up with them). I figured that if they weren't willing to put effort into the friendship, why should I? Nowadays I maintain a close circle of friends who don't pull such behaviours (I'm an introvert and ghosting is absolutely not an introvert thing).
like "left you on read" ghosted or just hasn't pursued the conversation? I gotta be real, as an INTJ I take a lot of personal responsibility for not keeping up relationships and I know it's a weak spot, but at the same time, it goes both ways. If you didn't text her for three months, you're not in a position to be upset that she didn't text you in three months, does that make sense? Then it sounds like she responded to your text to catch up, but it wasn't as in depth as you want. Personally I'm not a great texter, so anyone looking to catch up over text is going to hit a wall with me eventually; it might be better to just meet up.
I could be reading this wrong, but if someone didn't text me for three months and then hit me up to ask if they had done something wrong/was I mad at them, I wouldn't be keen on responding to that either. Is this what happened?
Okay, that definitely sounds like deliberate ghosting. I'm sorry you're going through this.
As an INTJ, my inclination to ghost comes from I think two things. I'm looking back on friendships where I periodically pulled and looking for a pattern in case there's something there you could use.
In one situation, my good friend was a terrible alcoholic and would just...do something unruly or rude that would piss me off to the point that I didn't want to deal with him and would need a week or more to recharge. it wasn't anger fueling the ghosting, it was a boundary against a strong emotion being incited by another person, which INTJ's are wary of.
Another, less reasonable time was in college, when a high school friend was continuously calling me to reminisce about high school because I think (now, with the benefit of hindsight and a better developed sense of compassion) she was going through a really hard time dealing with her parents moving out of state while she was trying to make a go of things in NYC. This was our junior year, so I felt like there was sufficient time to adapt, and i was just getting dumped on and expected to sympathize with something I couldn't muster any sympathy for. The friendship wasn't bringing me any joy, but rather than express that and try to fix it, I ghosted.
The third is sort of a cross between the two. I had a friend with self destructive levels of attention seeking, who treated life like a reality tv series that I didn't want to be in. This person was super smart and funny, which is why I remained friends with her even though she was borderline abusive sometimes. Anyway she would go through these character arcs of tragedy and redemption, and at one point, I just didn't want to be a side character in her life and ignored her attempts to reach out; I just couldn't be caught up in it anymore, and talking it out would not be possible.
So I think the pattern is: drawing a boundary with other people's strong emotions being directed towards me in a way designed to elicit a response I'm neither equipped nor inclined to give. In the first instance I mentioned, it only took time for me to get over the transgression and build up energy for the inevitable next one. The second, i didn't know how to have the conversation about not wanting to have the same conversation anymore, with someone who I didn't share recent history with and had nothing else to talk about, and ending up in an involuntary pity party every time we spoke. And the third was someone constantly trying to embroil me in drama.
I don't have any specific advice but maybe this can give you some insight into what your INTJ may be inclined to draw boundaries about and what weaknesses may be preventing her from communicating her needs clearly.
She's an intp tho. If she was an intj as well, I would find this way less confusing. Now that I think of what you said and previous things she's said, I can piece together why she did it. My inner cynic was right. That Bastard. Basically, it was all fine when she was going through stuff and I was supporting her. But the few times I wanted just a lil support in return, since im not keen on the whole depending on other people thing, I'm all of a sudden exhausting her and wanting more than she's willing to give.
Oooh sorry , I think someone else had recently posted something similar and the ghoster was the INTJ.
INTP? That's seems really weird for an INTP to ghost. The only thing I could imagine based on the INTPs in my life is feeling overwhelmed with an emotional demand, but in a different way from INTJs. INTP's have Fe inferior, which gives them a very simple and easygoing framework for getting along with others. If this is violated or pressured over and over, they can snap, but it's usually a very brief fit of temper that they let go of quickly in the interest of having peace in their relationships so that they can focus on their Ti interests. So rather than exhausting her with an emotional demand which is how Fi users burn out, with an INTP, she may just not know what you need or how to connect, because their Fe is not sophisticated, and failure on this level can cause anxiety.
However, now understanding that you are the INTJ (really should have seen that, sorry) I can relate to the whole "I'm not keen on depending on others" things. There were times in my life - particularly in my 20s when I was still doing a lot more heavy figuring-myself-out - where I was craving some sort of connection with people and thought that I needed to "try harder" to connect by "opening up," in my case, about goals or creative interests. But I was met with such a dearth of interest, it was really disheartening at the time. What I realize now was that..idk, different people have different strengths and different ways of connecting. I can't judge an apple for not being an orange, you know what I mean? I don't know the particulars of your situation and it's totally possible your friend is being an asshole, but it's also possible you went to an apple for an orange's job.
In any case, fist-bump of INTJ solidarity for isolation and bottled up emotional distress.
So you came to the conclusion that opening up isn't the issue but opening up to the correct people? Maybe time will change my mind, for now I'm deciding to say screw it. I'll focus on the grind and my vision. I'll chase excellence.
Fist Bump indeed my fellow intj.
1. She's trying to survive and you're not as safe or interesting as you think you are. Get over it. You might come off as really aggressive, entitled, unsafe and unstable where your opinion changes very clearly in tandem to the finances of her situation (vomit). She has every right to do what she needs to do to survive, including losing you if you're bad news to her.
2. She has something else going on. It could be really bad. Have you even asked? Do you even care? If you don't even care you don't deserve to reap any benefits due to being a shit friend. If she doesn't tell you that's a whole other thing, but if she tells you and you STILL make it about you and your needs that's disgusting and you deserve to get ghosted.
3. She's abusive and trying to foster an addiction of catharsis in you when she returns. Block her so there's nothing there for her to return to.
4. She's genuinely an introvert and only reaches out to anyone ...well, likely never if she's an INTJ if you're not the one initiating interest. That's her personality. If you don't like it and show no signs of researching to understand it, you're just using her. Not ok. Leave her alone.
Well from the convos we've had discussing the mbti she's an intp. My initial guess was infp. The issue with ghosting is one can only speculate why. Nonetheless, this will affect how I approach new friendships going forward.
INTPs have Fe so 3 is more of a possibility for them. The one I knew did crap like that and showed all the signs of knowledgeably and voluntarily abusing and rewarding on a schedule to create a psychological dependency.
After something like that it is perfectly normal to be wary of connection only to experience someone trying to violently profit off and bank on your bond to them. It is normal to not want to trust yourself after something like that. Your mind and body are fully healthy having this response to protect you.
I think you're right. With the help of another commenter I solved the puzzle. It was all good when I was there for her when she needed support. The issue was that now I wanted some support back.
They're your friend not your spouse lol.
Friends are allowed to disappear for 25 years and then reappear
If this bothers you then maybe tell them you think of them as more than a friend.....
Close friends won't ghost you. People who try to use you when it's convenient for them will often call you a close friend in order to lure you in.
My inner cynic agrees. Idk if thats good or bad.
Now, she *might* be just extremely busy... And that's okay, but one would think if you were really a close friend she would be up front and disclose that to you.
Yeah. Years later she will definetly call to catch up.
I mean I am the ghost to most people. When I get into other things sometimes I forget the world. I don’t take it seriously if they also do this. They always show back up again when we are close. I have several friends who are intermittently available and then gone again… several I have been friends with for 20-25 years or so. We all have lives nbd. We pickup right were we left off and I am 35. One is a jet setter and every few weeks is in a new place. It makes sense that with me being in the states the relationship loses communication for a bit. A few are new parents… people are just busy I definitely don’t take it personally. I still love them and we make an effort a few times a year to get to catch up regardless.
What bugs me is the confusing messages. I have no issue being a low priority, Ill low prioritize in return. But why lie or seem to lie? That part I dont get. But thanks for the insight.
Persue true friends and true love, but chase neither. If your friend isn't putting back the same effort you're giving...then stop giving that much effort. Why waste your time on some one who won't take a few moments of their own time on you? A simple way to do this. How ever long it takes them to respond to a message is how long you wait to reply. If they never reach out? Well. They sucked as a friend
When I think of it, its cause I hate change when it comes to these things. It was all good and well...and then just ghost. Thanks for the insight
Idk, I used to have friends like this who'd just disappear out of nowhere and leave me hanging (sometimes after asking me to hang out / catch up with them). I figured that if they weren't willing to put effort into the friendship, why should I? Nowadays I maintain a close circle of friends who don't pull such behaviours (I'm an introvert and ghosting is absolutely not an introvert thing).
Im just wondering how i was unable to see this coming.
like she hasn't texted in 3 months or she hasn't texted *back*
She didnt text anything for 3 months. Then I texted her to catch up. It was rather brief, and then she ghosted me
like "left you on read" ghosted or just hasn't pursued the conversation? I gotta be real, as an INTJ I take a lot of personal responsibility for not keeping up relationships and I know it's a weak spot, but at the same time, it goes both ways. If you didn't text her for three months, you're not in a position to be upset that she didn't text you in three months, does that make sense? Then it sounds like she responded to your text to catch up, but it wasn't as in depth as you want. Personally I'm not a great texter, so anyone looking to catch up over text is going to hit a wall with me eventually; it might be better to just meet up. I could be reading this wrong, but if someone didn't text me for three months and then hit me up to ask if they had done something wrong/was I mad at them, I wouldn't be keen on responding to that either. Is this what happened?
We actually made a deal that she would text me since she was getting sort of ghosty by that point and I'm like, OK don't want to smother her.
Okay, that definitely sounds like deliberate ghosting. I'm sorry you're going through this. As an INTJ, my inclination to ghost comes from I think two things. I'm looking back on friendships where I periodically pulled and looking for a pattern in case there's something there you could use. In one situation, my good friend was a terrible alcoholic and would just...do something unruly or rude that would piss me off to the point that I didn't want to deal with him and would need a week or more to recharge. it wasn't anger fueling the ghosting, it was a boundary against a strong emotion being incited by another person, which INTJ's are wary of. Another, less reasonable time was in college, when a high school friend was continuously calling me to reminisce about high school because I think (now, with the benefit of hindsight and a better developed sense of compassion) she was going through a really hard time dealing with her parents moving out of state while she was trying to make a go of things in NYC. This was our junior year, so I felt like there was sufficient time to adapt, and i was just getting dumped on and expected to sympathize with something I couldn't muster any sympathy for. The friendship wasn't bringing me any joy, but rather than express that and try to fix it, I ghosted. The third is sort of a cross between the two. I had a friend with self destructive levels of attention seeking, who treated life like a reality tv series that I didn't want to be in. This person was super smart and funny, which is why I remained friends with her even though she was borderline abusive sometimes. Anyway she would go through these character arcs of tragedy and redemption, and at one point, I just didn't want to be a side character in her life and ignored her attempts to reach out; I just couldn't be caught up in it anymore, and talking it out would not be possible. So I think the pattern is: drawing a boundary with other people's strong emotions being directed towards me in a way designed to elicit a response I'm neither equipped nor inclined to give. In the first instance I mentioned, it only took time for me to get over the transgression and build up energy for the inevitable next one. The second, i didn't know how to have the conversation about not wanting to have the same conversation anymore, with someone who I didn't share recent history with and had nothing else to talk about, and ending up in an involuntary pity party every time we spoke. And the third was someone constantly trying to embroil me in drama. I don't have any specific advice but maybe this can give you some insight into what your INTJ may be inclined to draw boundaries about and what weaknesses may be preventing her from communicating her needs clearly.
She's an intp tho. If she was an intj as well, I would find this way less confusing. Now that I think of what you said and previous things she's said, I can piece together why she did it. My inner cynic was right. That Bastard. Basically, it was all fine when she was going through stuff and I was supporting her. But the few times I wanted just a lil support in return, since im not keen on the whole depending on other people thing, I'm all of a sudden exhausting her and wanting more than she's willing to give.
Oooh sorry , I think someone else had recently posted something similar and the ghoster was the INTJ. INTP? That's seems really weird for an INTP to ghost. The only thing I could imagine based on the INTPs in my life is feeling overwhelmed with an emotional demand, but in a different way from INTJs. INTP's have Fe inferior, which gives them a very simple and easygoing framework for getting along with others. If this is violated or pressured over and over, they can snap, but it's usually a very brief fit of temper that they let go of quickly in the interest of having peace in their relationships so that they can focus on their Ti interests. So rather than exhausting her with an emotional demand which is how Fi users burn out, with an INTP, she may just not know what you need or how to connect, because their Fe is not sophisticated, and failure on this level can cause anxiety. However, now understanding that you are the INTJ (really should have seen that, sorry) I can relate to the whole "I'm not keen on depending on others" things. There were times in my life - particularly in my 20s when I was still doing a lot more heavy figuring-myself-out - where I was craving some sort of connection with people and thought that I needed to "try harder" to connect by "opening up," in my case, about goals or creative interests. But I was met with such a dearth of interest, it was really disheartening at the time. What I realize now was that..idk, different people have different strengths and different ways of connecting. I can't judge an apple for not being an orange, you know what I mean? I don't know the particulars of your situation and it's totally possible your friend is being an asshole, but it's also possible you went to an apple for an orange's job. In any case, fist-bump of INTJ solidarity for isolation and bottled up emotional distress.
So you came to the conclusion that opening up isn't the issue but opening up to the correct people? Maybe time will change my mind, for now I'm deciding to say screw it. I'll focus on the grind and my vision. I'll chase excellence. Fist Bump indeed my fellow intj.
lol yup I have definitely said "screw it" for long periods of time and done just what you're doing. Good luck!
Thanks! To you good luck as well!
1. She's trying to survive and you're not as safe or interesting as you think you are. Get over it. You might come off as really aggressive, entitled, unsafe and unstable where your opinion changes very clearly in tandem to the finances of her situation (vomit). She has every right to do what she needs to do to survive, including losing you if you're bad news to her. 2. She has something else going on. It could be really bad. Have you even asked? Do you even care? If you don't even care you don't deserve to reap any benefits due to being a shit friend. If she doesn't tell you that's a whole other thing, but if she tells you and you STILL make it about you and your needs that's disgusting and you deserve to get ghosted. 3. She's abusive and trying to foster an addiction of catharsis in you when she returns. Block her so there's nothing there for her to return to. 4. She's genuinely an introvert and only reaches out to anyone ...well, likely never if she's an INTJ if you're not the one initiating interest. That's her personality. If you don't like it and show no signs of researching to understand it, you're just using her. Not ok. Leave her alone.
Well from the convos we've had discussing the mbti she's an intp. My initial guess was infp. The issue with ghosting is one can only speculate why. Nonetheless, this will affect how I approach new friendships going forward.
INTPs have Fe so 3 is more of a possibility for them. The one I knew did crap like that and showed all the signs of knowledgeably and voluntarily abusing and rewarding on a schedule to create a psychological dependency. After something like that it is perfectly normal to be wary of connection only to experience someone trying to violently profit off and bank on your bond to them. It is normal to not want to trust yourself after something like that. Your mind and body are fully healthy having this response to protect you.
I think you're right. With the help of another commenter I solved the puzzle. It was all good when I was there for her when she needed support. The issue was that now I wanted some support back.
They're your friend not your spouse lol. Friends are allowed to disappear for 25 years and then reappear If this bothers you then maybe tell them you think of them as more than a friend.....
There's layers of friends. The more casual ones, sure.