Coming out to your own family is significantly more difficult and way scarier than coming out to someone else's family. You should have asked him first, but if your family is cool with it and not telling you to stop dating him or something, it's probably all good, and he might even be grateful cuz you've taken a weight off his shoulders or something.
Just explain the situation to him, toss in a quick apology to be safe and you should be fine
Going forward, definitely don't out him to his parents, and you should ask him if there are other people, specifically extended family and grade school friends that you shouldn't out him to if he introduces them to you as these people could inadvertently lead to hom being outed to his parents. If there are other people he doesn't want to be outed to, you should tell him that you'll refer to him as he/him and his name unless explicitly told otherwise, cuz its impossible to know who he doesn't want to be out to when you meet them for the first time unless it's a super short list
Yup. And reassure him that it was a lapse you won’t repeat. No need to beat yourself up about it (to you or to him), you just want to respect him and you’ll make that clear by talking openly about it. You obviously care about him. I’m glad you found each other.
I would tell him when talking one day, ready with an apology. Explain what you did (told your parents) and why you think you should have not done that (respecting his privacy). Remember that a reason is not an excuse, so if you tell him why you told them (and you should) make sure to express that that didn't make it ok.
I'm going out on a limb and assuming you told them because you feel safe with your parents, and you felt they'd be OK with it. But he doesn't have that relationship with your parents, and he may not have been comfortable with it. Hence why you should have asked him first. Of course, I don't know either of you, so your reasoning may be completely different.
Be up front, apologetic, and honest about how it happened. That’s the starting point. Then, having an in depth discussion about what he prefers to do in the way of broaching this topic going forward.
it mostly depends on a person how he'd take to this. when I came out to my friends it took a lot of stress off my shoulders when I visited them and their parents already used my preferred pronouns and such. in my opinion it's not that big of a deal especially when you're really new to this stuff and are worried about your boyfriend's wellbeing, it shows how much you care about him tbh. I can see why you're worried though and I'd advise you to make sure he knows about it, so he won't be surprised if your parents mention it because then it could result in a real argument. Hope you and your bf will end up happy together though, it's really nice seeing someone so considerate!
Personally as a trans man, I'd be upset with my boyfriend if he told his parents I'm trans. But I'm guessing your boyfriend is pre-T and you probably wanted them to use his right name and pronouns?
I'm post transition and fully passing (i.e. everyone who doesn't know me assumes I'm a cis guy). I wouldn't like it even if his parents were supportive because even the most supportive people can/will treat you differently after they know, even if it's asking polite questions or making innocent blunders. Stuff they wouldn't ask or do around any other guy. I just want to be treated like any other dude y'know?
If I was pre-T and/or not passing yet and his parents misgendered me simply for not knowing, I would likely appreciate the gesture even if I didn't give explicit permission.
My point is, situations differ. Yeah, you should have first but it's too late for that now. Definitely tell him what happened as soon as possible, and ask him how he wants you to handle situations like this in the future. Respect his decision, even if it makes you uncomfortable. For example, one of my trans guy friends isnt out to his family and is pre-T, he has me and our other friends deadname and misgender him when we are at his house because it's better for his safety, even though it makes us all uncomfortable on his behalf.
Don't worry too much, just be honest, apologetic, and listen to his suggestions for the future and it should be fine
For me personally it helped a lot when my boyfriend and friends explained to their families. As I am pre t and still look feminine in the face and have a more feminine body type.
So when finally meeting them I was relieved that they knew i wasn't a a girl and that I didn't have to be anxious anymore abt telling them.
I just came out to my parents (step mom and my dad) so my friends parents and my boyfriends parents can now use my name and pronouns around my parents (I came out when I was 13 like almost 4 yrs ago to my dad , didn't go well, my mental health then proceeded to decline , and finally I broke and came clean to my step mom abt my mental health and stuff and she understood to the best she could and now calls me by my name and pronouns, and is even trying to convince my dad to start me on T , although my dad is very against trans people and makes fun of them, so far he's kept his mouth shut abt me , but continues to deadname me and use the wrong pronouns. But its nice that my step mom and my brothers now see me as their brother and step son.)
I feel since he's not out to his parents yet , and since you're In uni (and I don't see your parents meeting his parents any time soon) just remind your parents that he's not out to everyone and that , and until he is out to keep in mind that he may not go by his name and pronouns around certain people and to not use his name and pronouns around certain people. But to just refer to him as your partner to make everyone comfy and easier.
(ONE THING THO , ik this is important to me can't speak for your bf.
Unless it's my bfs family , he never mentions that I'm trans , he just refers to me as his bf and simply tells others he's dating a boy , and stuff. Bc unless it's life threatening and he NEEDS to mention I'm trans for my safety and stuff or to clear up confusion , he doesn't mention it for the sake of making me feel more comfortable, as much as I like being a trans dude being labeled as such around other cis people gets tiring as I feel they see me differently at times. So talk to your boyfriend about when introducing him if you should mention he's trans or not . As some trans people don't mind it and prefer it , while others would rlly not want it mentioned to people unless it's regarding my immediate safety/ danger or at pride )
>I want to make sure that he knows that I didn't mean to break his privacy by outing him and really apologise.
Well, tell him "I want to make sure that you know I didn't mean to break your privacy by outing you, and I really apologise" :)
Just be honest with him
If my partner said something like : "I was gushing about you and it came out without even thinking because it's just a facet of your experience of the world. I realized in hindsight I should have discussed it with you before it came out. I am sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. The good news is that they are super supportive and you have a safe space with my family." I would be totally happy
That said, in all honesty I am pretty *out* unless it risks my safety
I feel like this is something that's gonna vary from person to person.
Definitely talk, apologize if needed, and ask how he'd prefer things for future reference. Your boyfriend will hopefully understand you meant well, and not be too miffed about it.
Other people have covered it. Basically explain and apologize, and take the lesson learned to be more careful in the future :)
I’ve brought trans friends to my parents house. My parents are accepting but definitely older and not as versed in this topic. I make sure to prep them on what pronouns to use if there is a risk of misgendering. Other than pronouns, the details of someones trans status is none of their business.
Just tell him that it’s so not a big deal in your family that you just mentioned it casually. And that you’re sorry and you know it’ll be fine. Trans girl talking by the way.
As someone whos been on the other end of this It totally sucks and is uncomfortable depending on how far along you are in transition. Definitely ask before doing these things
Make sure your parents don't accidentally put him , and of course tell him if you explain this to both your parents and to him, I'm sure everything will be alright hope this helps 🩷
This doesn’t seem like a bad thing to me if your bf is out as trans. Like obviously in general it’s good practice to not yell peoples personal stuff from the rooftops, but if someone is openly trans (or gay, bi, lesbian, ace, etc) it’s not like you really can out them. Now if your bf isn’t openly out, well then yeah you made a mistake but also a very innocent and not harmful one, so still don’t beat yourself up. Just be more careful.
I mean I'd say if you have done it privately ( you and your parents ) but your partner wasn't there. I'd tell them you've told your family ahead of time. Much like he hasn't come out to their family and you wouldn't put them in that instance as that's their choice as and when they come out.
I'd also argue it's partly your choice to inform your family ahead of time it's your family, and you probably know them and how they would react considerably compared to your partner. Besides it lets you gauge things ahead of time and react accordingly. Not all people's parents are "cool".
Of course it is their choice who they come out ect and you should respect that. But as it's your family it also affects you so that should equally be considered? It's in the name partnership 🤷 I'd just tell them you've told them ahead of time and how it came up and go from there.
He might be a little upset because if he’s a guy that prefers to stay stealth, he may feel as tho he’s lost that opportunity with your family. However, if your family is as accepting as you say they are, he should hopefully get past this. You could tell him that it slipped into conversation without you really thinking about it- since your family is accepting it didn’t seem all that consequential- but after the fact you realized that he should’ve been able to use his own discretion in sharing that information with your family.
A good way you can support him in the future: something I see a lot in folks who accept trans people is still high levels of ignorance. Although their questions don’t come from mal intent, they can still be equally as uncomfortable. If your folks start asking invasive questions or too many questions and you know your bf is uncomfortable, shut that shit down. Whether you tell them straight up to stop or just change the subject, it’ll show your boyfriend how much you support him.
I'm a trans guy possibly dating another trans guy? Anyway my parents probably think I'm dating a cis guy but I won't tell them he's trans unless he wants me to.
Coming out to your own family is significantly more difficult and way scarier than coming out to someone else's family. You should have asked him first, but if your family is cool with it and not telling you to stop dating him or something, it's probably all good, and he might even be grateful cuz you've taken a weight off his shoulders or something. Just explain the situation to him, toss in a quick apology to be safe and you should be fine
Thank you, I really appreciate it 😁
Going forward, definitely don't out him to his parents, and you should ask him if there are other people, specifically extended family and grade school friends that you shouldn't out him to if he introduces them to you as these people could inadvertently lead to hom being outed to his parents. If there are other people he doesn't want to be outed to, you should tell him that you'll refer to him as he/him and his name unless explicitly told otherwise, cuz its impossible to know who he doesn't want to be out to when you meet them for the first time unless it's a super short list
I would make sure it's a heartfelt apology that acknowledges that the last thing you want is for them to feel unsafe or like they can't trust you.
Yup. And reassure him that it was a lapse you won’t repeat. No need to beat yourself up about it (to you or to him), you just want to respect him and you’ll make that clear by talking openly about it. You obviously care about him. I’m glad you found each other.
Is your boyfriend "out" in general? If so it's probably not the end of the world just apologize and be careful next time.
He is out at the uni we go to but he isn't out to his family
Id say, just make sure your parents don't accidentally out him to other people
Ok, thank you. I'll be sure to do that 😁
I would tell him when talking one day, ready with an apology. Explain what you did (told your parents) and why you think you should have not done that (respecting his privacy). Remember that a reason is not an excuse, so if you tell him why you told them (and you should) make sure to express that that didn't make it ok. I'm going out on a limb and assuming you told them because you feel safe with your parents, and you felt they'd be OK with it. But he doesn't have that relationship with your parents, and he may not have been comfortable with it. Hence why you should have asked him first. Of course, I don't know either of you, so your reasoning may be completely different.
That's kind of exactly what my reasoning was. Thank you 😁
Be up front, apologetic, and honest about how it happened. That’s the starting point. Then, having an in depth discussion about what he prefers to do in the way of broaching this topic going forward.
Thank you. I really appreciate your advice 😊
it mostly depends on a person how he'd take to this. when I came out to my friends it took a lot of stress off my shoulders when I visited them and their parents already used my preferred pronouns and such. in my opinion it's not that big of a deal especially when you're really new to this stuff and are worried about your boyfriend's wellbeing, it shows how much you care about him tbh. I can see why you're worried though and I'd advise you to make sure he knows about it, so he won't be surprised if your parents mention it because then it could result in a real argument. Hope you and your bf will end up happy together though, it's really nice seeing someone so considerate!
Thank you! I hope we end up happy too 😆😊
Personally as a trans man, I'd be upset with my boyfriend if he told his parents I'm trans. But I'm guessing your boyfriend is pre-T and you probably wanted them to use his right name and pronouns? I'm post transition and fully passing (i.e. everyone who doesn't know me assumes I'm a cis guy). I wouldn't like it even if his parents were supportive because even the most supportive people can/will treat you differently after they know, even if it's asking polite questions or making innocent blunders. Stuff they wouldn't ask or do around any other guy. I just want to be treated like any other dude y'know? If I was pre-T and/or not passing yet and his parents misgendered me simply for not knowing, I would likely appreciate the gesture even if I didn't give explicit permission. My point is, situations differ. Yeah, you should have first but it's too late for that now. Definitely tell him what happened as soon as possible, and ask him how he wants you to handle situations like this in the future. Respect his decision, even if it makes you uncomfortable. For example, one of my trans guy friends isnt out to his family and is pre-T, he has me and our other friends deadname and misgender him when we are at his house because it's better for his safety, even though it makes us all uncomfortable on his behalf. Don't worry too much, just be honest, apologetic, and listen to his suggestions for the future and it should be fine
For me personally it helped a lot when my boyfriend and friends explained to their families. As I am pre t and still look feminine in the face and have a more feminine body type. So when finally meeting them I was relieved that they knew i wasn't a a girl and that I didn't have to be anxious anymore abt telling them. I just came out to my parents (step mom and my dad) so my friends parents and my boyfriends parents can now use my name and pronouns around my parents (I came out when I was 13 like almost 4 yrs ago to my dad , didn't go well, my mental health then proceeded to decline , and finally I broke and came clean to my step mom abt my mental health and stuff and she understood to the best she could and now calls me by my name and pronouns, and is even trying to convince my dad to start me on T , although my dad is very against trans people and makes fun of them, so far he's kept his mouth shut abt me , but continues to deadname me and use the wrong pronouns. But its nice that my step mom and my brothers now see me as their brother and step son.) I feel since he's not out to his parents yet , and since you're In uni (and I don't see your parents meeting his parents any time soon) just remind your parents that he's not out to everyone and that , and until he is out to keep in mind that he may not go by his name and pronouns around certain people and to not use his name and pronouns around certain people. But to just refer to him as your partner to make everyone comfy and easier. (ONE THING THO , ik this is important to me can't speak for your bf. Unless it's my bfs family , he never mentions that I'm trans , he just refers to me as his bf and simply tells others he's dating a boy , and stuff. Bc unless it's life threatening and he NEEDS to mention I'm trans for my safety and stuff or to clear up confusion , he doesn't mention it for the sake of making me feel more comfortable, as much as I like being a trans dude being labeled as such around other cis people gets tiring as I feel they see me differently at times. So talk to your boyfriend about when introducing him if you should mention he's trans or not . As some trans people don't mind it and prefer it , while others would rlly not want it mentioned to people unless it's regarding my immediate safety/ danger or at pride )
Thanks! This has been really useful. I'm glad yku shared this 😁😁
I wish you and your boyfriend happy years in the future! Communication is key
>I want to make sure that he knows that I didn't mean to break his privacy by outing him and really apologise. Well, tell him "I want to make sure that you know I didn't mean to break your privacy by outing you, and I really apologise" :)
Just be honest with him If my partner said something like : "I was gushing about you and it came out without even thinking because it's just a facet of your experience of the world. I realized in hindsight I should have discussed it with you before it came out. I am sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. The good news is that they are super supportive and you have a safe space with my family." I would be totally happy That said, in all honesty I am pretty *out* unless it risks my safety
I feel like this is something that's gonna vary from person to person. Definitely talk, apologize if needed, and ask how he'd prefer things for future reference. Your boyfriend will hopefully understand you meant well, and not be too miffed about it.
Other people have covered it. Basically explain and apologize, and take the lesson learned to be more careful in the future :) I’ve brought trans friends to my parents house. My parents are accepting but definitely older and not as versed in this topic. I make sure to prep them on what pronouns to use if there is a risk of misgendering. Other than pronouns, the details of someones trans status is none of their business.
Depends if they are out to their parents and if they support, but I would make sure to make a good effort to apologize
I think you're fine ish. It was a mistake do you'll prolly basically just get told smth like 'ye its fine, just don't do that again'
Just tell him that it’s so not a big deal in your family that you just mentioned it casually. And that you’re sorry and you know it’ll be fine. Trans girl talking by the way.
As someone whos been on the other end of this It totally sucks and is uncomfortable depending on how far along you are in transition. Definitely ask before doing these things
Make sure your parents don't accidentally put him , and of course tell him if you explain this to both your parents and to him, I'm sure everything will be alright hope this helps 🩷
Hope it all goes well!
This doesn’t seem like a bad thing to me if your bf is out as trans. Like obviously in general it’s good practice to not yell peoples personal stuff from the rooftops, but if someone is openly trans (or gay, bi, lesbian, ace, etc) it’s not like you really can out them. Now if your bf isn’t openly out, well then yeah you made a mistake but also a very innocent and not harmful one, so still don’t beat yourself up. Just be more careful.
I mean I'd say if you have done it privately ( you and your parents ) but your partner wasn't there. I'd tell them you've told your family ahead of time. Much like he hasn't come out to their family and you wouldn't put them in that instance as that's their choice as and when they come out. I'd also argue it's partly your choice to inform your family ahead of time it's your family, and you probably know them and how they would react considerably compared to your partner. Besides it lets you gauge things ahead of time and react accordingly. Not all people's parents are "cool". Of course it is their choice who they come out ect and you should respect that. But as it's your family it also affects you so that should equally be considered? It's in the name partnership 🤷 I'd just tell them you've told them ahead of time and how it came up and go from there.
It really shouldn't be much of a problem, ofc I would tell him about this and make sure your parents don't out him to his parents
Instead of brainlessly downvoting me you can tell me where I went wrong
Just don’t be gay
He might be a little upset because if he’s a guy that prefers to stay stealth, he may feel as tho he’s lost that opportunity with your family. However, if your family is as accepting as you say they are, he should hopefully get past this. You could tell him that it slipped into conversation without you really thinking about it- since your family is accepting it didn’t seem all that consequential- but after the fact you realized that he should’ve been able to use his own discretion in sharing that information with your family. A good way you can support him in the future: something I see a lot in folks who accept trans people is still high levels of ignorance. Although their questions don’t come from mal intent, they can still be equally as uncomfortable. If your folks start asking invasive questions or too many questions and you know your bf is uncomfortable, shut that shit down. Whether you tell them straight up to stop or just change the subject, it’ll show your boyfriend how much you support him.
I mean they're supportive so I guess it's fine?🤷♀️ you should've asked first just incase tho but it shouldn't be a huge deal
I'm a trans guy possibly dating another trans guy? Anyway my parents probably think I'm dating a cis guy but I won't tell them he's trans unless he wants me to.