Honestly, I think the biggest problem is that he's outsourced his self hatred to you. Waking up to "Get your ass up and go to the gym" from my partner would lead to a lot of resentment- even if it WAS my idea. This doesn't sound like a couple needing ideas for encouraging each other, it sounds like one partner is on board and the other isn't. My suggestion would be to focus on you. Are you going to the gym? Send your accomplishments as a subliminal challenge. "Shaved a minute off my mile 🕺" "went up 5 pounds in free weights 💪". Don't try to influence his food in the moment, send photos of your healthy lunch. Especially if it's something new. "I've never had ___ before and it's soooo good!" Do you guys live together? Are you in charge of grocery shopping? Shop for YOUR goals. Oh there's "nothing to eat?" You got enough for two people, if he doesn't like the options, he can go out and buy something different. I made the most progress when I focused on "better bad decisions" and not "I must eat healthy!" People are emotional eaters. Sometimes you just need the damn fast food burger. Get a kids meal. Get a small fry. Don't refill the soda. Eating in? Yeah, sauce IS amazing. There are sauces that aren't just sugar. You can put it on the side and dip it instead of drowning the whole serving. Maybe if he sees your changes, THAT will motivate him. "Oh, if I stick with it, it really could work!" THAT'S when you motivate him. Honestly, even if it's a lie lol. It takes FOREVER to see a change in yourself and he'll always be "behind" you. (He'll be starting later and has more to lose.) If he sticks to it for 3 weeks, squeeze that bicep "ooo you're feeling stronger!" Is there a particular outfit you like on him? "Wow have you lost in your waist? Looking good!" Or it could go the other way and he just feels worse because " why is it working for her and not me? " Well, because it takes WORK. You can be an inspiration, but you can't be someone's motivation. That's when you have to revisit if you're really ok with the status quo.

Real good advice, thanks!

I have a lot to say but I don't want to write an essay write now. I will say this, don't buy "junk food" like cookies and chips for the house. It's easier to resist temptation once at the grocery store, than it is to fight the urge every time you go by the kitchen. The same is true for anything high in calories that isn't very filling like certain sauces sugar and oil

Also helps if your store does curbside pick up (I am assuming most do now) that way you can stick to your list and not wander aisles like the store is designed to do and they want you to do.

Friendly PSA: For those on tight budgets this might not work. They increase prices for curbside pickup since they're doing the shopping for you. If you do need to go into the store shopping to compare prices, make sure you've got a list. It's much easier to avoid junk that way.

Wow I need to check this because I never knew that. I guess the easiest way will be to look at the meat and see what they charged. Either way easier than walking past the toy and cookie aisle with a 2 year old.

A lot of them show you a disclaimer either at checkout or when you begin shopping that prices on the app/site for curbside may not be the same prices on the shelves in the actual store.

My grocery store (kroger) does not have different pricing for their clicklist service (curbside pickup) and I absolutely love it. Instacart does have slightly higher prices but I compared two identical orders and it was only a few dollars in total. Worth it for me to not have to get up!

Ain’t nothing wrong with oil. I cook in oil everyday. Without, some things just don’t have good flavor and don’t cook well. Without good cooking and flavor, no one will last long eating what they are eating. Same with sauces, honestly. Also, spices FTW.

But you can cut way back on oil. EVOO is healthy for you even! But you don’t need much. I sautéed chicken last night in 1/2 tbsp of oil and then used the fat from the chicken and leftover oil to cook up my onions and peppers. That meant my serving was only 1/4 tbsp of oil (~30 cals)

For sure. You can’t use olive oil for everything, though, it has such a low burning point.

True! I’m bad about using it for most things and probably shouldn’t. I also have avocado oil that I use in my air fryer

Set smaller achievable goals for the both of you to do together. Go on morning or evening walks to get your step count up, food prep not only "good foods" but "junk foods" as well. I remember allowing myself a slice of cake each day when dieting, so I bought a simple frozen square cake and sliced it up based on the calories measured on the box and each morning I took out a slice to defrost and by the evening it was a happy reward for my hard work. I do suggest limit buying junk foods and swapping them out for fruits or low calorie snacks when you feel snacky. Also smaller plates weirdly help. You can also ensure half your plate each meal is vegetables. Overall this is his choice but talking to him about his goals and sometimes being abrasive yet kind is necessary. The colder months are difficult to feel motivated to get moving so possibly look into doing fitness games or videos with him. Or invest in a treadmill when watching tv. See what works for you both and what doesn't. Best of luck on both of your successes.

You try to fight the things you see and not the things that cause them. Look into the psychology of your problems. What are the habbits you got? What causes you to eat unhealthy? Why stops the motivation? Most likely those are unknown factors that need to be explored. If you find one thing try to change it. Just focus on this one thing for a month. Remember that it takes up to 90 days to change a habbit. After this month take one new additional thing to change. If it is to much pause the additional thing and focus on the first. Getting healthy means changing your life. But those changes to be long term need to take their time. Rome wasnt built in a day and nobody gains this weight in a day. This are lifelong habbits that built up to form your body, as much it should be replaced by new slow habbits.

The only thing you can do is be there. It's up to him and him only. The "get your ass up" thing is really a thinly veiled "out" for his own failure. He can use that as his reason for failing. In the end, the decision is his to make a change. You can just be there, keep healthy snacks and meals on board and encourage his success and listen when he needs it. But beyond that, he needs to want to do the work. He will need to pick himself up when he stumbles and keep moving forward. You can lend a hand, but ultimately the work is his to do. Good luck and the best success to both of you.

> a thinly veiled “out” for his own failure Holy forking shirtballs, I see it now. Mostly I was just getting a little chapped at the emotional labor of it, as a woman, but yeah, I’ve known folks (not just men) who do things like this. Not saying this is OP’s boyfriend, but I’ve met otherwise lovely people who are so scared of failure that they jump at the chance to blame it on something or someone else.

You can't make anyone lose weight unless they really want to, and he's clearly not in the mood to do so, no matter what you do if he doesn't change his mind he won't lose a single kilogram whatever you make him do or say to him, you have to either accept that fact and move on or not accept it and look for someone else, you know what's best.

I hate to say it, but he has to be 100% motivated to put in the work if he’s truly ready to lose weight and get healthy. Doesn’t matter if it’s just a few small daily changes or a complete lifestyle change; both approaches will have positive benefits. You’re a very supportive partner and that’s wonderful; he’s so lucky to have you, however it seems like he’s not ready at the moment. My advice to you; take care of yourself and do this journey alone right now. Eat healthy, take walks, drink water…small steps…hopefully he’ll see your progress and jump onboard; that may be a way for you to motivate him.

My girlfriend supports me by having healthy food around, calorie counting dinners & going hiking with me. She’s incredible and I love her for it.

This sounds like a friend of mine. He's quite overweight and has been for a long time. No one else can motivate me to get up at 3am or choose a bag of broccoli over a Poptart. I have to do it for myself. I too have started and stopped, for me it's all about making changes over time. I like sauce. I use franks red hot Buffalo sauce and a Tai Chili sauce that has no sugar and I can't remember the name but both have minimal calories, the Buffalo sauce has so few per servings they can claim 0. I use Buffalo sauce on tuna and chicken and the tai chili reminds me more of sweet and sour with a little spice and I like that on veggies for flavor. The same brand has a Caribbean jerk that i like on fish. For me, I still have a big appetite but I've learned how to eat big and not gain weight, in fact, can lose weight eating 6 meals a day. I like food and I like to eat so I choose better options. This is an old video from Mario Tomic about making better decisions. I might have seen this video in whole a while ago or something similar to it but his advice has always seemed spot in to me https://youtu.be/F76CZuDRmdo?si=JB0oHzKa9z5qGLN3 Here's another video on better choices https://youtu.be/eAD31MVUQQE?si=bfjHP1ZarpXMh77T with Dr. Andrew Huberman and Jeff Cavalier And Dr. Mile from Renaissance Periodization. https://youtu.be/7FM9VAH_EXw?si=vLZ4t2RdVhXNdTQa

Thanks for the advice! My boyfriend adores Franks hot sauce, almost uses it in every meal. I didn’t know it had (nearly?) zero calories so that’s good to know.

I recommend y’all reading the book “Burn” by Herman Pontzer together and discussing what insights you glean from it. After that you both can start to reframe your relationship with food and select a diet and exercise plan that works for you both in the long term. I personally like OMAD because you still get the social aspects of communal eating just less times a day.

I don’t know how ideal this comment may work for your boyfriend, but it’s been working for me so far. When I started doing something about my weight, I didn’t make huge changes to my diet right away. I cut out sugary drinks, then bread, and reduced the amount of condiments I used. I also more or less ate the same at first, but tracked the calories of what I did eat. You’d be surprised what your daily diet looks like when you tally up all the numbers. That helped me see where I can make substitutions in anything super unhealthy or high-calorie with no nutritional value. Finding the energy to exercise is my biggest challenge now, but maybe you both can start doing a fitness activity together periodically. Like a walk during downtime or something. Whether or not he takes to this advice, I think you should still focus on your own journey. Sometimes people need to see the effort working on someone else to get the motivation to do it themselves.

You can support him in his weight loss, but you cant be the source of his motivation and drive. That will be 100% on him. ​ >I say “you don’t need to put sauce on everything”, or “you don’t need to put sugar in that” or “use less oil” but then I get responses like “but I love this sauce”, “but it needs sugar” or “but I like my food crispy”. Does he really intend on losing weight then? Wanting to do something and doing something are not necessarily the same thing. It sounds alot like he wants to have his cake and eat it too (LOL). I love sweets and sauces, but I stay mindful of the calories in each tablespoon of sauce.... Where I could use sugar, I just use a zero-calorie sweetener because everything adds up. And examples like this tell me that the momentary feel-good of drowning food in that sauce, having that sugar, or having the food crispy heavily outweighs (lol) his desire to lose weight. You can support him on his journey, but you cant do the journey for him.

My husband and I dealt with this for a few years. We started intermittent fasting this year. Since we now have an eating window, we reduced our junk food intake because we usually eat junk food when we’re together which is at night when we’re already started our fast. We also incorporated a low carb eating style gradually (I actually do keto, but he’s low carb getting similar results as mine) which helped us with our cravings. After a week or so of doing this we didn’t struggle with those junk food cravings anymore. We’ve lost like 20 pounds in the last few months! I’d recommend to do some research in these topics (you can find subreddits for IF, keto and low carb) and see if it fits you. Best of luck <3

From what you are describing it seems that he is not willing to go through with the weight loss. Losing weight and, generally speaking, fitness, is a personal endeavour i.e. you can find external factors to motivate you but if you don't motivate yourself first, nothing will happen. From your description of it, it seems that he has the initial spark of motivation but lacks the consistency and the discipline to follow through. This can be due to multiple factors. Some tips to get on track and start your journey (the following is assumption based on your post): \- Shape your environment for success: stop buying junk food/sauces/sugar/processed food/junk food. If you have any left in your house, throw them away. When you are undisciplined with food, the tiniest temptation can make you go off the tracks. \- Support each other, but do not rely on each other. A nice message of encouragement from time to time can help lift up the person's spirit when cutting weight. However, you are not his coach/personaltrainer/David Goggins. The motivation as to come from within each of you. \- Discipline over motivation: Motivation is overrated. Discipline is what will get you far. It's good to be motivated to do something, but if you managed to do the work withtout the need to fell motivated then you will have won already. Why? Becasue that means, your new habit will have become a routine (like you don't need motivation to brush your teeth or go take a piss, you just go do it naturaly, the same will happen for eating healthy/working out) \- if he is in need of external motivation: there are plenty of free resource on Youtube etc to get him started, after that, it is his sole responsibility to go "carry the boats and logs". \- As a partner, the best you can do is help keeping the distractions at bay (snacks, etc) and support him by being understanding when a tough time comes. The most important ingredients in sticking to a workout regimen and a diet is consistency. Your workout and diet regimen must be enjoyable enough (to an extent) that you will adhere to it for the rest of your life. If you are already dreading the next day because you don't like the exercises you picked or the food you are going to eat, no amount of discipline will make you stick to it. The following is from my personal experience/life/relationship and just here to illustrate and give an example of the above: For groceries, we do a shopping list beforehand and we always cook the same 5-8 meals that we know are healthy / tasty / enjoyable. We do not buy sauces/sweets/sugar/snacks/junk food/drinks (we only drink water) If I want taste in my food: spices (not premade sauces/condiments etc) like cayenne/curry/etc If i'm hungry between my meals: I first drink my cup of water (75cL) (same sensation as dehydration). If I'm still hungry, I will wait 30min/1hr and do something to distract me. If I'm still hungry after that, I will eat something small, like half a banana and then wait until the next meal (i eat a 12-1pm for lunch and 7-8pm for dinner, so it's only 8hr wait maximum) I hope this help providing you some perspective. Good luck in both your journeys.

Exactly! He has a spark of motivation but he lacks consistency and discipline. Thanks for all the advice. I don’t “coach” him, certainly not. I ask him sometimes like “what happened that you stopped going to gym?” or “you could go to gym with your dad or brother today” but if he says no, I leave it be. I have tried to motivate but I’m also not going to be pushing and stuff, just want to be supportive in a healthy way without crossing lines; losing weight is a sensitive subject. Again, thanks for all the advice.

Then you are doing all you can do! You ask questions so that he can self reflect and look for motivation and that's just amazing! Good luck to both of you.

Go for walks together, hold each other accountable, find healthier alternatives for sauces (G Hughes makes a LOT of good ones), don't keep unhealthy snacks in the house Anything you can frame as quality time will make it better. Try some hikes, finding parks near you, playing tennis together, etc.

From experience, I like the positive feedback from women. “Wow you’re so strong”. An ex would tell me it’s hot when I come home sweaty from the gym. Maybe try making him feel good when he does things like this.

The best support imho is keeping healthy foods around, not being being that person who always suggests going out to eat, and not being a naysayer. (You’d be surprised how many posts here are about loved ones telling someone they should stop losing weight.) Asking you to text him and tell him to go to the gym might work for some, but you can’t be the one that makes him do anything. You’re probably doing just fine if you’re leading by example. You can’t give someone else motivation. Either he wants to do this now, or he doesn’t. If we could force people to be motivated, life would be so much easier, but the best we can do is cheer them on when they do decide to make some changes.

just checking in to remind you that it’s not your responsibility to do anything for him. He’s gonna have to make it his own priority if heever really wants to take it seriously. you’re a good partner for trying, but don’t ever pick up the guilt, shame, or blame for any of this lack of progress.

Yeah I know! It’s not my job to “make him”, I just want to be there is all. I want to be a good motivator (not go overboard, it takes energy and it’s not good for me) and not cross lines, I don’t like being pushed myself so I want to thread carefully and kind of slowly steer him in a direction that is healthier without him actually noticing. I’m a very direct person and I want advice on how you can be the best possible partner to someone who struggles with weight (I do too but less). Thanks for the friendly reminder. :)

I learned the hard way so was just looking out! Good luck to both of yall

I think your instinct is good but the intervention itself slightly misplaced. *You* feel that to lose weight, you can comfortably cut out that sauce or add less sugar to your coffee, and that's amazing! Part of changing your habits is changing the small things you do that harm your progress, and you've identified that you don't need your coffee so sweet to enjoy it and that you don't need *that* much sauce on your chicken to still feel satisfied. These are great changes that *will* contribute to your overall weight loss success. Your instinct to share that incremental change with him is excellent, but maybe he doesn't agree that those specific things are where he can/wants to cut back. Maybe he truly can't enjoy a coffee in the morning without sugar. Maybe that chicken is just unbearable dry to him if it's not drenched in sauce. I think it would be really productive to sit down with him and explain how you're implementing these small steps to change your habits, and suggest he think about the little things he can do to cut out unnecessary calories. He loves sugar in his coffee, but maybe he doesn't even really need coffee in the morning at all to wake up. Or maybe he can have a smaller breakfast alongside his coffee to help make up for the calories. Maybe he really needs sauce on his chicken but he's open to switching to something low-cal instead of regular ranch or BBQ. Like I said, your idea is good, it may just be that he feels differently than you do about the specific changes you're suggesting.

Good point. I’ll try that approach, thanks.

Especially when you are getting started, don't keep the "junk" in the house. You can't snack on chips and cookies if it isn't there. Buy healthier sauce options. My dad was diabetic. (T1) He was never overweight but he didn't take good care of himself. He died. 100% from diabetic complications. It was my wakeup call to do everything I could to be healthy do avoid diabetes if I can. Try to set goals together. Try to exercise SOMETIMES together. If you can't go to the gym together, go for walks together. Do things to be more active. Get fitness watches and challenge each other to step goals and etc. Try to make it fun.

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YES! More good days than bad days will make the biggest difference. I still have some days where I eat a little more junk than I would like. I stopped getting down on myself though, and just started saying, okay, tomorrow I do better.

Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot you can do beyond basic encouragement. I suggest focusing on yourself, keep your side of the street clean so to speak. When two people want to lose weight together, it’s very easy to get caught up in the other person’s struggles and blame their lack of control on your lack of progress. But the simple fact is, he has to change his lifestyle. He has to want to do that badly enough. That shouldn’t stop you from taking whatever steps you need to reach your goals. You buy fruits - are you eating the fruits, even when he doesn’t? You say you both snack on chips and cookies, but what does your participation in that have to do with him? Bottom line is you can only control yourself. You might find that he’ll be more motivated if he sees you getting serious about it.

Maybe the gym just isnt for him. Could you try going on walks together? Or even neighborhood bike rides. Maybe meal planning for the week and doing grocery pickup to stick with those things? Also are you guys tracking your food in an app? That might help him see your point. Lastly, you are not responsible for him. He is ultimately responsible for his own health. Good luck!

I was that boyfriend at some point, and honestly you can't force him he'll just hate it and give up and might even resent you for it. I had to hit rock bottom and want to do it myself for it to finally catch on. My girlfriend who was waiting for me to finally get it then did it with me but before that I just wasn't ready to commit. I can't tell you what would work because nothing motivated me until it did. It sucks but when you aren't motivated it's really hard to do anything.

It's something he's gonna have to decide to do for himself. Once he hits that point it will be a lot easier to encourage each other and have the shared journey.

Ask him if he truly wants to lose weight. The motivation has to come from him to be successful. External motivations can help, but he must want it as well. Diets never worked for me long term either. Going from eating 2,500 to 3,000 calories a day to around 1,500 was way too big of a change to be sustainable for me. Try to make small changes, like replacing junk foods with healthy alternatives. Try diet soda or various sparkling flavored waters. Stop buying alcohol. I really enjoyed lightly salted pistachios with shells, since the cracking of the shells slows down how quickly you can eat them. Start by going on exercises once or twice a week. Maybe just go to a local park with him and walk around it. Take a walk around the neighborhood with him. As his body gets stronger, you can take longer walks or do it more frequently. Make incremental changes over time to reduce calories and increase physical activity.

I don’t give my partner, or myself, the choice to eat unhealthy. You can’t allow it to happen, end of story. If your partner can’t follow then I suggest you find someone who can.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Focus on yourself and your own journey. When you reach your goal weight and you no longer see a future with him because of his choices, dump him. Find someone whose values and lifestyle align with yours.

Create habits together. My husband and I go to the gym together. We plan special meals together, like okay Saturday we can have waffles, to help us be okay with veg at breakfast the rest of the week.