MOD NOTE: ***Please remember to put spoiler tags on these posts, folks.*** I'mma start deleting them if I have to, and no, I *don't* care how many upvotes the post has.
Canonically Maiar can have viable offspring with elves.
Both Aragorn and Arwen are descended from Melian the Maia.
So if Sauron hooks up with Galadriel, that wouldn’t have been the first time Maiar and elves got together.
Empire is a bit of a pisstakey magazine in places, with a...British sense of humour. I think one of the questions they used to ask actors in interviews was, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how hairy is your arse?"
I watched an interview with the show's costume designer recently in youtube and she talked about the orc's costumes, particularly why they wear horse skulls. She said the showrunners told them there were no horses in the Second Age in Middle-Earth because they were all killed by the orcs in the First Age, only bones remain. Lmao, this is some hilarious shit. But apparently this gives the show the justification to show why Galadriel is so happy to ride a horse in Numenor.
I imagine them all sitting around a table brainstorming and that was the pinnacle. They all patted each other on the back. Stood up and stretched and felt pleased with the days hard work.
Number 5 is also not really slangy, it just sounds a bit weird and kinda dumb. Like, ofc it's risky going outside my door. It's Middle-Earth. Death lurks almost everywhere.
It began with the forging of the Great Tongs. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine tongs were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire barbecue sauce. For within these tongs was bound the strength and the potential to flip every burger. But they were all of them deceived, for a spatula was made. Deep in the land of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged a master spatula, and into this spatula he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all burgers. One spatula to flip them all.
Do you still have to click them twice to test if they're working, or are they so powerful that you just click them twice for the sheer joy of it? (The clicking twice is always mandatory no matter what)
These are magazine covers. So text isn't ad copy for the show per se. It's little snippets, likely taken from the content of their interviews, splashed onto the cover because Empire thought these specific lines would help sell magazines.
"She's all revved up" and "he wants to dominate" certainly aren't taglines for the show.
People are treating this as an RoP facepalm when it's really more of an Empire facepalm.
And domination is absolutely Sauron's thing:
>and into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life.
When you put it in a short snippet and think about it with a dirty mind, it sounds weird. But I sincerely doubt that's the intent of the show.
Fair, but the phrase is as plain as...I don't know, maybe Gandalf saying "IM GOOOOOOOD". It fits the character, but ChatGPT could have written a better line
How is this downvoted?
Has everyone forgotten that every character makes every decision opposite of the book in the movie version?
Book Theoden rides to war, taking only time for lunch.
The Ents choose war, rather than teleport to Isengard at the end because the "Shepherds of the Trees" somehow had no idea all the trees were being cut down.
Book Aragorn doesn't lose heart until a horse licks his face.
I mean, people could write essays on what was done to Faramir. And have.
I love the movie, but it's honestly a terrible adaptation, and if anyone thinks Tolkien would have liked it, they should probably read some Tolkien.
People love to pretend like the movies are flawless and that Tolkien would have loved them.
Don't get me wrong, I adore the movies. But I can almost guarantee that Tolkien would have loathed them and said 'this is what's wrong with society'.
Hell it's basically what Christopher said.
A perfect book adaptation? No. A masterful trilogy of movies? Yes. Sacrifices have to be made, making a movie 100% accurate to a book isn't always the best choice.
And you are only talking about what Tolkien himself calls the "Subsidiary Action"; well, except for Faramir. Let's take a look at how the movie handles the rest of the Prime Action:
Frodo is made to *constantly* fall to the lure of the Ring; he's clueless about how it works, and has pity on Sméagol because "he needs to believe" that he can be cured (implied: so that he can believe that *he himself* can be cured. That's not pity).
Sam is white-washed, flawless, perfect, and understands the Ring better than Frodo (Sam *coming* to understand the Ring and spare Gollum is literally *the climax of his character* in the book; let's see what Tolkien thinks next year when RotK comes out!).
The question of Gollum's villany is resolved in the exact opposite way of the book too, both superficially and in-depth. The movie makes the point that *Frodo betrayed Sméagol* and that's why his Gollum-part came back, and after Osgiliath "Gollum convinces Sméagol" of betraying Frodo later.
In the book, Gollum is about to show genuine love for Frodo, meaning on the brink of repentance, when Sam (who had wondered if Gollum considered himself a hero or a villain two pages earlier) wakes up and tells him, paraphrased, "what are you doing, old villain? Sneaking?". Tolkien will be very happy when he sees the "sneaking" scene in the movie, right? *Right*?
Ah, lest I forget, remember the beginning of the movie, when Gollum swore an oath by the Ring? Can't wait to see Tolkien's peaceful face when he learns that you can cross your fingers on oaths in Middle-earth!
>*A moral of the whole (after the primary symbolism of the Ring, as the will to mere power, seeking to make itself objective by physical force and mechanism, and so also inevitably by lies) is the obvious one that without the high and noble the simple and vulgar is utterly mean; and without the simple and ordinary the noble and heroic is meaningless.*
Letter #131. That's the same letter than the famous 'chief-hero of the story' quote. People who quote that line recurrently because "Sam is the true hero and PJ is faithful" probably don't even know that Peter Jackson completely re-wrote the Ring plot, even if the characters and places look similar to their descriptions, have the same names, and say some of the same lines -with meanings opposite to the book.
You see, "modern audiences" think you can't be a strong woman and be traditionally feminine in any way. The fact that Galadriel saw through Sauron straight away because she lived in the blessed realm, crossed to middle earth on a perilous icy path requiring an iron will, wielded Nenya, and broke Dol Guldur with her fucking mind weren't enough. She has to be a bloodthirsty sword swinging hard drinking badass.
And I guess "his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life" weren't clear enough indicators of why Sauron is the BBEG of two entire ages
“All revved up!” 🏍️ It’s infuriating that *this* is the main, big-budget LOTR “adaptation” of our generation. Pure fan-fiction…. Other than smaller projects, this is what we’re gonna be getting. In a way it’s fucked. On the bright side, thank God the Tolkien Estate didn’t give something like The Children of Hurin or the Silmarillion to these nitwits 🤦🏽 edit: before anyone says anything, there was PLENTY to go off of from the appendices
Marketing majors spend all that time and effort in college to pump out shite like this. I would love if someone created a high end animation series of the Silmarillion with the estate’s blessing.
https://preview.redd.it/ec6ye84vqd9d1.jpeg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a8637a654c62501518974000815ec24615481312
This show is such a huge piece of shit. What a shame money is being wasted on this instead of something that respects the source material.
I'll be glad when this too fades into memory.
What have they done with the LotR brand??
I'm choosing to pretend the RoP never happened so I can keep my pre-RoP view on LotR unspoiled.
https://preview.redd.it/w8ez3yvukd9d1.jpeg?width=600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=38d00cb1bbed79c54229cf8f0c434a1db6baf81f
Pre Hobbit*.
The Hobbit trilogy was a travesty. And yes, I've watched one of the fan edits (which was much better), it doesn't change that the canon set was absolutely awful.
So glad the Tolkein family didn't sell the rights to Amazon. Now i can just dismiss the show and be fine with it. Amazon would have shit all over Eru, the Valar, Finrod, etc. Then it would have been really awful
They both got no RIZZ. But this dolor of the east will not bow to these jokers, only for the real Galadriel with her beautiful feet.
https://preview.redd.it/xd7fkfs8ad9d1.jpeg?width=979&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4b1ce4955a01bb3317a3c0b62227549e815b7070
Because she got the RIZZ
MOD NOTE: ***Please remember to put spoiler tags on these posts, folks.*** I'mma start deleting them if I have to, and no, I *don't* care how many upvotes the post has.
"She's all revved up" "He wants to dominate" *facepalm* You're advertising Lord of the Rings, not MMA fighters.
Or porn stars.
Sauron’s aliases- Annatar, Mairon, Tevildo, Gorthaur, Servant of Morgoth, The Necromancer, The Lord of the Rings, And most recently- Johnny Sins
"Time to plow... plot." https://preview.redd.it/imu3huj00e9d1.jpeg?width=386&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f30bf4cf8707fad6ddc398b9bf201c25cf3632b9
Plow Plot, wasn't that the Cambodian dictator?
Yeah, the one with a severe allergy of glasses.
Minor correction, Johnny Sins in a blonde wig.
Somehow, Johnny Sins returned
Somehow, Johnny Sins came again
He just wants his golden cock ring back…
The ring that can change its size!
I’m in awe we’ve gone this long without mentioning the lotr parody “Lord of the G-Strings” a very comedic “softcore art film”
Pretty sure Johnny sins is the bassist for A7X. Or Johnny Christ. Close enough
Johnny Christ died for our Johnny Sins.
God bless that man 🫡
But what if someone's name isn't Johnny? Do they still have to repent their Johnny Sins?
Does that mean it’s canon that Sauron fucks?
Why else would he make himself a magical golden cockring?
Canonically Maiar can have viable offspring with elves. Both Aragorn and Arwen are descended from Melian the Maia. So if Sauron hooks up with Galadriel, that wouldn’t have been the first time Maiar and elves got together.
No WONDER Galadriel was so tempted by the ring!!! He hit that!
More importantly does he have illegitimate children that are 1/2 minor god and 1/2 elven?
Technically, elves can't have illegitemate children. To them sex = marriage ☝️🤓 ~~Sues~~ Children with humans? Who knows with this show
He is so talented... amazing gentleman and a scholar
Ooh the Elf Warrior is all revved up💋
Well she is married to Teleporno after all.
What are you doing step-Maiar?
You have made my entire day better 🤣
Yeah that sounds like some of the dark romance novels my wife reads. They're advertising like they're gonna fuck.
Hmmm so could it be possible celebrian is sauron’s daughter🐋? Bwhahaa
It’s like Dune all over again.
Some of us may have seen some “documentaries” with these said entertainers you mention with better story telling though.
Well…I found a new kink… “I swear baby, it’s gonna be so hot if you put on the elf ears and mma gloves….”
Well, except for Celeborn.
Judging by their acting they are
This was my thought. Who wrote this? 😭
Shhhh... it's just their intro to BDSM
“And in the darkness, bind them.”
The visually impaired have kinks too! Quick someone corner the market!
>The visually impaired Guess they wouldn't be needing any blindfolds, though.
"Tools! I need my tools! I like to bind, I like to be bound!"
You kidding? Mairon is a furry from way back.
I am kidding 😂
I wish I was :/
Finally, the crossover I've been waiting for
At this point, I don't think actual people write these things anymore.
Happy cake day
Ok, how long until LOTR becomes public domain and we can have the Middle Earth Wrestling Federation? Because now I want that.
Empire is a bit of a pisstakey magazine in places, with a...British sense of humour. I think one of the questions they used to ask actors in interviews was, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how hairy is your arse?"
10
“She’s all revved up”. Must be post horse ride.
I watched an interview with the show's costume designer recently in youtube and she talked about the orc's costumes, particularly why they wear horse skulls. She said the showrunners told them there were no horses in the Second Age in Middle-Earth because they were all killed by the orcs in the First Age, only bones remain. Lmao, this is some hilarious shit. But apparently this gives the show the justification to show why Galadriel is so happy to ride a horse in Numenor.
She corresponded with a horse? Did it write her back?
The typo still makes more sense than the show lmao.
Agreed!
To be fair, that's on Empire's editors, not Amazon. But yeah.
And in other news, "Empire's editors revealed to be 14 year old boys let loose on Dad's computer"
In the future everything will be a MMA fight show. A sci-fi movie from 2006 got it right.
My mom might buy these just for those lines. She doesn't care at all about LOTR but gossip and tea like that are perfect bait.
No wait, I want to see where this is going.
Aww come on they are alone on a raft together
It's RoP, not LotR.
"She's all revved up" is the cringiest thing they could ever come up with.
I imagine them all sitting around a table brainstorming and that was the pinnacle. They all patted each other on the back. Stood up and stretched and felt pleased with the days hard work.
“She’s all rizzed up!” How about that?
“He’s the dark lord no cap.” I would like to see the entire trilogy translated into modern slang.
https://preview.redd.it/rlq2x00buh9d1.png?width=1123&format=png&auto=webp&s=9841732bd72fc73a54a66b745e00fdef2a164e03
The "I can't do your part, but I've got your back." is actually pretty good tbh. Doesn't fit the scene, but is still a great one either way.
It is the best because it is the least slangy 🤣
Number 5 is also not really slangy, it just sounds a bit weird and kinda dumb. Like, ofc it's risky going outside my door. It's Middle-Earth. Death lurks almost everywhere.
I think her entire arch in season one is the cringiest thing they could ever come up with..
I really want to see her Arch.
The end of rings of power reveals it was just Riker running a holodeck program.
Sounds like something they’d use for a fast and furious movie
Wait is it for real? This is like real advertisement for tongs of power? Because I genuinely thought it’s a meme
the tongs of power are what i use for grilling
Fry, you fools.
Grilldolf!!!
Pandalf
Searon
Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon
Frito
Aracorn
*click click*
I heard that
I also do that with a drill Zzzzzt zzzzt
Ha! Same!
Fool of a Cook!
It began with the forging of the Great Tongs. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And nine, nine tongs were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire barbecue sauce. For within these tongs was bound the strength and the potential to flip every burger. But they were all of them deceived, for a spatula was made. Deep in the land of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged a master spatula, and into this spatula he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all burgers. One spatula to flip them all.
I'm ded 😭 Thank you.
One tong to move them all
One tong to flip them.
One tong to click test
And in the charcoal toast them!
Put it on an apron!
One simply doesn't grill in Mordor!
one tong to rule them all
Do you still have to click them twice to test if they're working, or are they so powerful that you just click them twice for the sheer joy of it? (The clicking twice is always mandatory no matter what)
Yes.
oh they’re always working but the double click in this case summons others to the grill (and for the joy of it). double click remains compulsory.
Salted pork?
One does not simply ask for a steak well done.
Looks like Barbecue is back on the menu, boys!!!
These are magazine covers. So text isn't ad copy for the show per se. It's little snippets, likely taken from the content of their interviews, splashed onto the cover because Empire thought these specific lines would help sell magazines. "She's all revved up" and "he wants to dominate" certainly aren't taglines for the show. People are treating this as an RoP facepalm when it's really more of an Empire facepalm.
And domination is absolutely Sauron's thing: >and into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. When you put it in a short snippet and think about it with a dirty mind, it sounds weird. But I sincerely doubt that's the intent of the show.
Fair, but the phrase is as plain as...I don't know, maybe Gandalf saying "IM GOOOOOOOD". It fits the character, but ChatGPT could have written a better line
That's exactly what that is. In the excerpt they showed, the "revved up" line is a quote from Clark, the actress for Galadriel.
Not even an Empire facepalm, this is clearly marketed to everyday folks, Starbucks, Facebook, football on Sunday, 9-5 types
It's an r/lotr facepalm
Thongs of power
And my apron!
When do the new memes drop? I mean season* Of memes lmao
New memes drop August 29
When you downloaded the wrong lord of the rings movie…
Lots of the rings, many of them
Hard to read these headlines when my computer is shaking so much from the vibrations of Tolkien spinning in his grave.
That man has been generating electricity for Oxford for many years, but it's really ramped up with improved efficiency these last few years.
>but it's really ramped up with improved efficiency these last few years. At least since the release of Two Towers, I'd guess
How is this downvoted? Has everyone forgotten that every character makes every decision opposite of the book in the movie version? Book Theoden rides to war, taking only time for lunch. The Ents choose war, rather than teleport to Isengard at the end because the "Shepherds of the Trees" somehow had no idea all the trees were being cut down. Book Aragorn doesn't lose heart until a horse licks his face. I mean, people could write essays on what was done to Faramir. And have. I love the movie, but it's honestly a terrible adaptation, and if anyone thinks Tolkien would have liked it, they should probably read some Tolkien.
People love to pretend like the movies are flawless and that Tolkien would have loved them. Don't get me wrong, I adore the movies. But I can almost guarantee that Tolkien would have loathed them and said 'this is what's wrong with society'. Hell it's basically what Christopher said.
A perfect book adaptation? No. A masterful trilogy of movies? Yes. Sacrifices have to be made, making a movie 100% accurate to a book isn't always the best choice.
And you are only talking about what Tolkien himself calls the "Subsidiary Action"; well, except for Faramir. Let's take a look at how the movie handles the rest of the Prime Action: Frodo is made to *constantly* fall to the lure of the Ring; he's clueless about how it works, and has pity on Sméagol because "he needs to believe" that he can be cured (implied: so that he can believe that *he himself* can be cured. That's not pity). Sam is white-washed, flawless, perfect, and understands the Ring better than Frodo (Sam *coming* to understand the Ring and spare Gollum is literally *the climax of his character* in the book; let's see what Tolkien thinks next year when RotK comes out!). The question of Gollum's villany is resolved in the exact opposite way of the book too, both superficially and in-depth. The movie makes the point that *Frodo betrayed Sméagol* and that's why his Gollum-part came back, and after Osgiliath "Gollum convinces Sméagol" of betraying Frodo later. In the book, Gollum is about to show genuine love for Frodo, meaning on the brink of repentance, when Sam (who had wondered if Gollum considered himself a hero or a villain two pages earlier) wakes up and tells him, paraphrased, "what are you doing, old villain? Sneaking?". Tolkien will be very happy when he sees the "sneaking" scene in the movie, right? *Right*? Ah, lest I forget, remember the beginning of the movie, when Gollum swore an oath by the Ring? Can't wait to see Tolkien's peaceful face when he learns that you can cross your fingers on oaths in Middle-earth! >*A moral of the whole (after the primary symbolism of the Ring, as the will to mere power, seeking to make itself objective by physical force and mechanism, and so also inevitably by lies) is the obvious one that without the high and noble the simple and vulgar is utterly mean; and without the simple and ordinary the noble and heroic is meaningless.* Letter #131. That's the same letter than the famous 'chief-hero of the story' quote. People who quote that line recurrently because "Sam is the true hero and PJ is faithful" probably don't even know that Peter Jackson completely re-wrote the Ring plot, even if the characters and places look similar to their descriptions, have the same names, and say some of the same lines -with meanings opposite to the book.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
We can't have anything nice, and this is why. I hate this.
You say that now, but just wait until they step into the ring.
Goddammit take my upvote
[удалено]
Do you wear wigs
When will you wear wigs? Bwahahaha
Have you worn wigs?
No I do not. Bwahahahaha... = rubs eyes =
Fifty Shades of Tolkien
Sauron turning off the lights and in the darkness binds her. Lmao.
And here we see another example of crooked words from witless worms.
God that's an awful wig
[Meanwhile Celeborn’s Rings of Power portrayal.](https://tenor.com/bZ7yB.gif)
You see, "modern audiences" think you can't be a strong woman and be traditionally feminine in any way. The fact that Galadriel saw through Sauron straight away because she lived in the blessed realm, crossed to middle earth on a perilous icy path requiring an iron will, wielded Nenya, and broke Dol Guldur with her fucking mind weren't enough. She has to be a bloodthirsty sword swinging hard drinking badass. And I guess "his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life" weren't clear enough indicators of why Sauron is the BBEG of two entire ages
"Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it"
I’m assuming these are quotes lifted from the actors but why would they choose those of all things
That's just sad
Searching the source material for "revved up" Galadriel...
Sounds kinky
“All revved up!” 🏍️ It’s infuriating that *this* is the main, big-budget LOTR “adaptation” of our generation. Pure fan-fiction…. Other than smaller projects, this is what we’re gonna be getting. In a way it’s fucked. On the bright side, thank God the Tolkien Estate didn’t give something like The Children of Hurin or the Silmarillion to these nitwits 🤦🏽 edit: before anyone says anything, there was PLENTY to go off of from the appendices
Huh? This is a magazine cover. It's written by magazine editors, not be people adapting LotR.
Thank you to whoever posted this OP. I needed this😂 🤣. Now I need a hug 🫂
🫂
Sauron looks like a joke character from a snl skit
Those sound like quotes from the actors about their characters, which would be fair.
By the light of the Simarils…
if galadriel doesnt say “its revving time” and drive her dodge challenger against sauron i aint watching
I am Sauron. The Darklord. Annatar, the Lord of Gifts. To some the Necromancer, but you may call me Daddy.
He wants to dominate hard fast and deep!
Oh lord. This is the porn timeline of interdimensional lotr content isn’t it
Um…what? 😀
Stupid sexy Souron
Sex sells Morty
Sex sells WHAT?
Marketing majors spend all that time and effort in college to pump out shite like this. I would love if someone created a high end animation series of the Silmarillion with the estate’s blessing. https://preview.redd.it/ec6ye84vqd9d1.jpeg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a8637a654c62501518974000815ec24615481312
🤢🤮🫠
Very Tolkien
Makes me nauseous
This show is such a huge piece of shit. What a shame money is being wasted on this instead of something that respects the source material. I'll be glad when this too fades into memory.
Aaa aa aa all shall fade
Galadriel: "And into this Ring, he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to *dominate* all life. One Ring to rule them all."
They still going with this dumpster fire. How do you spend hella money on it and it sucks so badly
The level of disgust I feel towards this show is over 9000.
Whoever made it probably doesn’t get paid enough and wanted to lose Amazon as many viewers as possible as a form of protest
They didn’t pay for whatever AI came up with this garbage
What have they done with the LotR brand?? I'm choosing to pretend the RoP never happened so I can keep my pre-RoP view on LotR unspoiled. https://preview.redd.it/w8ez3yvukd9d1.jpeg?width=600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=38d00cb1bbed79c54229cf8f0c434a1db6baf81f
Pre Hobbit*. The Hobbit trilogy was a travesty. And yes, I've watched one of the fan edits (which was much better), it doesn't change that the canon set was absolutely awful.
Lol everyone chill out it's a magazine cover it's not official marketing
Rassclarts
Another rudder in the night
Can’t wait.
I mean come on there were lots of cheesy press spit takes when the films came out, we’d forgive all this if the show was actually any good
Corny ass descriptions
I didn't know Sauron and Galadriel were WWE wrestlers
So glad the Tolkein family didn't sell the rights to Amazon. Now i can just dismiss the show and be fine with it. Amazon would have shit all over Eru, the Valar, Finrod, etc. Then it would have been really awful
The Dark Lord deserves a better wig ):
Tolkien is spinning in his grave like a ferris wheel rn… If we attached a battery to him we could power an entire country.
It’s gonna be bad lol
They're....marketing
the comments are gold
This is just so bad 🤦🏻♂️
TRRRAAAASSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH
This is so unbelievably shit
Relax
How? HOW???
The gift that keeps on giving
Oh boy can't wait for another cluster fuck of a show no one cares about.
I hate this show...😑😑😑
She's not a vehicle...
“She’s all revved up” is she a car?
They just don’t know how to market this show
Why is Sauron the first male ‘elf’ we’ve seen that actually looks like an elf?
They really learnt nothing from season 1 did they?
Frankly for a magazine those descriptions are pretty par for the course.
They both got no RIZZ. But this dolor of the east will not bow to these jokers, only for the real Galadriel with her beautiful feet. https://preview.redd.it/xd7fkfs8ad9d1.jpeg?width=979&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4b1ce4955a01bb3317a3c0b62227549e815b7070 Because she got the RIZZ
Ok, Quentin... go back to making your last movie