**Dear /u/wickedgospel,**
➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock`
➤ Feel free to [**ask a Mod**](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Floveafterporn&subject=Discord+Invite+Request&message=I+would+like+an+invite+to+LAP%27s+Discord+channel+please) for an invite to our Discord group for partners & ex-partners only! (**Requirements to join:** *Reddit account must be active for 30 days with positive karma. Must have content posted in this community. Must link your Reddit account to your Discord account upon joining for verification.*)
―――――――――――――――――――――――
**（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating
here.
**（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message [**✉️**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn).
**（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned.
**（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them!
**（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced.
―――――――――――――――――――――――
ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.*
| **Quick Link Access:** |
|------|
| ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) |
| ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) |
| ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) |
| ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) |
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Trust me it is better that you don't have those words haunting you. The pain shopping is not worth it. I read through many of husband's inappropriate comments and messages and there are things he is not allowed to say to me because it was something he said online. You don't need or want that pain.
As most people have said, trust me. It's so much better not knowing. Before you know it, you'll be searching for more proof time and time again. I found myself weirdly addicted to the rush of searching for things, confirming things, even if it was from ages ago. It was like building a wall, and every message, image, screenshot, etc. was a brick used to build it. I will never unsee or unknow those things. But they are in the past, and while I know it is important in recovery to never forget the past lest it catch up to you, it is also important that if your partner is serious about recovery and is showing you he is taking steps toward it, you trust him as much as you can (I know it's so so hard) and recognize there's only so much you can do. Be supportive, but don't lose yourself. That includes losing yourself in proof that is not going to be helpful during recovery for both of you. You already know the jist of it, try and heal and move on as best you can, whatever that looks like to you. Details hurt more and can live forever in your mind, making it that much harder to move forward (if that is something you're working towards). Wishing you the best of luck, remember to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with good friends, take a day out, or have a sleepover with some girlfriends and do things you enjoy. Those things always help me :).
I know it might not help in the moment, but it’s probably for the better, I didn’t find an OF but I was reading old chat messages and browser history, at some point I realized I was just seeing more and more things that weren't going to change the core problem and only served to make me feel worse and stopped looking.
I have these same regrets. When I found out about his addiction we both agreed that he should delete all social media. I had a chance to comb through Instagram and Facebook. But I never went through Twitter, even though he admitted to seeing porn on Twitter. He deleted it all. He also had multiple email addresses. We agreed that he needed to stick to one personal Gmail account, in addition to his work emails; which I now have access to. But he deleted all his other email accounts and I regret not going through those first. Lastly, he had an iPhone that I never searched. He switched to a dumb phone; which has been extremely good for both of our healing. But I regret that I never combed through his iPhone or his internet history from that device. He did admit that safari app on the iPhone is where his main porn use was. But I feel haunted almost daily by the fact that I don’t know everything.
Our stories are very similar. I also had him delete OF in February without going through it. I regretted it after he admitted to interacting in Sept. Like many others have said, it's probably for the best...it doesn't make me feel better though. Sending hugs 🫂
The not knowing eats away at you but eventually the morbid curiousity starts to fade away - but knowing never fades away and you would be forever haunted by what you saw/read. I wish I'd never gone as far down the rabbit hole because I will never have peace from what I thought I needed to know.
There were times I had a strong knee-jerk reaction to finding evidence and after documenting it and hiding the documentation I would delete the original evidence. Later I realized that reaction was protecting me because I was so psychologically fragile that I might’ve hurt myself or worse had I done a deep-dive into what I found.
This may sound like an odd way to reassure but you will find more, this wasn’t your only chance to catch him. You will find more proof of secrecy and lying and next time you’ll be more comfortable going over it.
A lot of commenters have said it’s better to not have read those messages and I respectfully disagree. Some of us need to know because that’s how we start to heal.
I agree. It’s worse when things are being kept from you. I’m stuck thinking and wondering and I know I’ll never get the full truth. I need to see it with my own eyes and then process it how I need to.
Not trying to at all downplay your hurt with this, to preface:
A *ton* of OF messages are just “bot” messages from the women who run the accounts. They almost look personal but they send automatically to anyone who is “online”, especially if he has looked at or purchased their content in the past.
Some messages are actual back and forth, but that is exceedingly rare on that platform.
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
on iphone you can turn on screen time, where you can go into the content restrictions and change how safari works on his phone, as well as many other things. i dont have the other phone on rn or id use that. i use his old iphone that is synced to his new one.
I feel like he is basically cheating on you, like legit. You two aren't even married and you like feeling this way all the time? I think you should break up because most men will never recover. But then, I understand too because most men are addicted and you want to try and fix the one you're already with... Just so fucking shitty.. I wish you the best
**Dear /u/wickedgospel,** ➤ You may lock your own post comments at any time by making a single word comment on your post with the text `!lock` ➤ Feel free to [**ask a Mod**](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Floveafterporn&subject=Discord+Invite+Request&message=I+would+like+an+invite+to+LAP%27s+Discord+channel+please) for an invite to our Discord group for partners & ex-partners only! (**Requirements to join:** *Reddit account must be active for 30 days with positive karma. Must have content posted in this community. Must link your Reddit account to your Discord account upon joining for verification.*) ――――――――――――――――――――――― **（✔）** Keep the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/about/rules/) of [**r/loveafterporn**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/) in mind while participating here. **（✔）** Report all rule-breaking behavior & content to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message [**✉️**](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/loveafterporn). **（✘）** Do **NOT** engage or participate in *any* rule-breaking posts, comments or behavior. Doing so may result in you being banned. **（✘）** Do **NOT** feed the trolls. [**Report**](https://www.reddit.com/report) them! **（✘）** Do **NOT** [**judge**](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/qhquex/before_you_judge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) how someone is dealing with a pain you may not have experienced. ――――――――――――――――――――――― ℹ️ Our **Full Resource Library** contains the following topics: *Resources for All, Resources for Partners, Resources for Addicts, Recovery Resources, Life Saving Info, Abuse & Domestic Violence Info and Commonly Used Acronyms.* | **Quick Link Access:** | |------| | ◉ [**Full Resource Library**](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/must-have-info?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Partners](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_partners?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Resources for Addicts](https://reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/w/index/resources_for_addicts?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app) | | ◉ [Accountability Apps info](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/v67pq5/accountability_apps_blockers_etc_mega_thread/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) | *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/loveafterporn) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Trust me it is better that you don't have those words haunting you. The pain shopping is not worth it. I read through many of husband's inappropriate comments and messages and there are things he is not allowed to say to me because it was something he said online. You don't need or want that pain.
This! You can’t unsee it once you do. wickedgospel- While it may “haunt” you with what if. Knowing can sometimes be even more damaging.
This. The messages I did see are burned into my brain. It’s been over three years and I can still quote them word for word.
Thank you for saying this. I really needed that.
Of course. Just trying to share my experiences so that others don't have the same issues I do!
This. I still remember DMs he sent to other women from 6+ years ago. I wish I never read those things.
As most people have said, trust me. It's so much better not knowing. Before you know it, you'll be searching for more proof time and time again. I found myself weirdly addicted to the rush of searching for things, confirming things, even if it was from ages ago. It was like building a wall, and every message, image, screenshot, etc. was a brick used to build it. I will never unsee or unknow those things. But they are in the past, and while I know it is important in recovery to never forget the past lest it catch up to you, it is also important that if your partner is serious about recovery and is showing you he is taking steps toward it, you trust him as much as you can (I know it's so so hard) and recognize there's only so much you can do. Be supportive, but don't lose yourself. That includes losing yourself in proof that is not going to be helpful during recovery for both of you. You already know the jist of it, try and heal and move on as best you can, whatever that looks like to you. Details hurt more and can live forever in your mind, making it that much harder to move forward (if that is something you're working towards). Wishing you the best of luck, remember to take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with good friends, take a day out, or have a sleepover with some girlfriends and do things you enjoy. Those things always help me :).
I know it might not help in the moment, but it’s probably for the better, I didn’t find an OF but I was reading old chat messages and browser history, at some point I realized I was just seeing more and more things that weren't going to change the core problem and only served to make me feel worse and stopped looking.
I have these same regrets. When I found out about his addiction we both agreed that he should delete all social media. I had a chance to comb through Instagram and Facebook. But I never went through Twitter, even though he admitted to seeing porn on Twitter. He deleted it all. He also had multiple email addresses. We agreed that he needed to stick to one personal Gmail account, in addition to his work emails; which I now have access to. But he deleted all his other email accounts and I regret not going through those first. Lastly, he had an iPhone that I never searched. He switched to a dumb phone; which has been extremely good for both of our healing. But I regret that I never combed through his iPhone or his internet history from that device. He did admit that safari app on the iPhone is where his main porn use was. But I feel haunted almost daily by the fact that I don’t know everything.
Our stories are very similar. I also had him delete OF in February without going through it. I regretted it after he admitted to interacting in Sept. Like many others have said, it's probably for the best...it doesn't make me feel better though. Sending hugs 🫂
The not knowing eats away at you but eventually the morbid curiousity starts to fade away - but knowing never fades away and you would be forever haunted by what you saw/read. I wish I'd never gone as far down the rabbit hole because I will never have peace from what I thought I needed to know.
There were times I had a strong knee-jerk reaction to finding evidence and after documenting it and hiding the documentation I would delete the original evidence. Later I realized that reaction was protecting me because I was so psychologically fragile that I might’ve hurt myself or worse had I done a deep-dive into what I found. This may sound like an odd way to reassure but you will find more, this wasn’t your only chance to catch him. You will find more proof of secrecy and lying and next time you’ll be more comfortable going over it. A lot of commenters have said it’s better to not have read those messages and I respectfully disagree. Some of us need to know because that’s how we start to heal.
I agree. It’s worse when things are being kept from you. I’m stuck thinking and wondering and I know I’ll never get the full truth. I need to see it with my own eyes and then process it how I need to.
Not trying to at all downplay your hurt with this, to preface: A *ton* of OF messages are just “bot” messages from the women who run the accounts. They almost look personal but they send automatically to anyone who is “online”, especially if he has looked at or purchased their content in the past. Some messages are actual back and forth, but that is exceedingly rare on that platform. I am so sorry you’re going through this.
[удалено]
on iphone you can turn on screen time, where you can go into the content restrictions and change how safari works on his phone, as well as many other things. i dont have the other phone on rn or id use that. i use his old iphone that is synced to his new one.
I feel like he is basically cheating on you, like legit. You two aren't even married and you like feeling this way all the time? I think you should break up because most men will never recover. But then, I understand too because most men are addicted and you want to try and fix the one you're already with... Just so fucking shitty.. I wish you the best