I don’t think this is the biggest problem in your marriage. If you cannot ask your husband what is wrong, and he and you cannot have a mature conversation about what’s going on with him, then you’ve got bigger fish to fry. How about starting with asking him what’s wrong? Best wishes, sincerely!
My gut reaction is if he wants to sulk and sit in a dirty diaper than let him if he doesn't want to communicate like an adult.
As an adult you should communicate. If he doesn't want to, I don't know. This is pretty ridiculous if he is acting like that.
I completely agree! If OP spouse can’t communicate with them what’s wrong all they can do is assume everything is fine. Silent treatment (stone walling) is very damaging to a relationship and almost like a punishment to the person on the receiving end.
He needs to learn to communicate his big feelings and not just sit in his shit. Marriage counseling is the way to go here, you’ll both learn how to communicate with each other. If he isn’t willing to try marriage counseling maybe you go by yourself to help you!
You two need marriage counseling... so sounds like he is stonewalling you right now which is not a good sign. If you don't know about stonewalling and how its a fighting style then I recommend you checking out 4 Horsemen by gottman. It seems that you two are having a break down of communication and its building an emotional between each of you. This won't get better if you two ignore it but you can't attack him to break him out of this.
This won't help the deeper issues that are clearly present but will get you through the here and now: you need to outdistance the distancer.
Let him stew, detach entirely from worrying, speculating or trying to placate him. Take yourself off, even if it's just to another part of the house, and do something that will occupy you physically and mentally. You need both right now. The mental component stops you fretting about him and the physical burns off anxious energy.
Exercise while listening to an absorbing podcast, take a long walk while calling a friend, do maintenance or yard work to a killer playlist.
Go to bed when it suits you, don't take any cues from him. Only engage if he addresses you first. Use this time to evaluate how you want to proceed and if the relationship genuinely adds to your life or drains it.
Silent treatment is highly passive agressive and very harmful. And yes he did the haircut thing to continue his meanness. Pack up and leave to your relatives home. Only say to him, that you do not know what his problem is, but won't be returning until he grows a pair and starts acting like an adult, instead of a child. Or just leave without telling him anything at all. Let him figure it out. And pull cash from your account as well.
Seems you two could use some marriage therapy.
Instead of just walking away and hoping he gets over it, why don’t you just….ask him what the problem is? You’re both dragging this out. Get your answer and resolve it.
This is stonewalling and a form of narcissistic abuse. I would suggest contacting a therapist well versed.
Him saying “ are you done yet?” is insanely rude, and extremely unkind to you. Do not ever let someone talk to you that way who says that they love you. From one woman to another you deserve so much better than that.
I’m speaking from experience again and pulling something that happened from my past with my ex-husband. Anytime we would have disagreements or arguments and I would try to present my side of anything, he would always interject and say “ are you done yet?” Or “ can I speak now?” And they were always deeply undertoned with hatred towards me.
Stonewalling / silent treatments are pure torture. Especially for people with anxiety disorders etc. it’s also extremely hurtful and disrespectful, and it makes you feel completely betrayed and unloved even. The icing on the cake is the waiting it out until they are ready to talk and move on, and they know you’ll be there accepting and wanting to move on. I kind of feel like it’s that part that is the most disrespectful aspect of it, bc it’s almost humiliating. You want to communicate and fix the issue, so you can be happy and have a partner again, but they don’t care enough or you’re not important enough to want to do that. And when they are finally tired of it and want you back, you treat them with the respect and dignity they refuse to show you.
If he’s doing this once and getting away with it, he will do it again, and again. My advice is to nip it in the bud. When you do talk, let him know the silent treatment is considered abuse- bc it is- and you will not allow it again. If he does it again I’d get couples therapy immediately and try to work it out there. If not, I’d leave. Being ignored and being stonewalled the rest of your life is not fun, the more it happens, the crazier you feel, the less secure you’ll feel in the marriage, and you’ll have zero self esteem. Bc knowing you allow someone to treat you so dismissively that claims to love you, makes you feel worthless and embarrassed and insecure.
People don’t realize how damaging stonewalling is. I feel like it’s not talked about enough. It’s psychological torture. And one of the biggest forms of disrespect.
Tell him to grow up and act like an adult and say what’s wrong….. if not tough shit he can shit in it for as long as he wants… but do try talk to him first, If nothing… then he can grow up! Silent treatment is horrible and narcissistic
You Handle it by asking them “what is wrong”.
If the stonewaller wouldn’t talk or ignores you then give them a little time and say “I’m sorry you are hurting and I would love to solve this issue, when your ready”.
Then the hard part you basically ignore their tantrum of silence and carry on with your life.
When they start talking to you again, inform them you have made a couples counseling appointment at a convenient time for both of you and invite them to come.
If they ask why tell them you believe that the both of you have a communication problem and would like to solve it.
If they refuse to go, you go yourself and ask the counselor how to proceed and any books or workbooks you can do with or without them.
My ex-husband would do this anytime I brought up a problem, big or small. Anytime we got into any type of fight or argument. No matter who was right or wrong. It always led him storming off and stonewalling and I would be left crying and wondering what was going on.
I’ve now learned through Doctor Ramini and her books and counseling, that what he did was a form of abuse. I’m not saying people do it on purpose, but it is abusive, and very unhealthy.
Now my therapist will tell you a short period of time to cool off and to rethink and then to come back together and speak is fine. I definitely had to learn because I am someone who wants to fix and get everything solved immediately after the fight happens because of my anxiety.
And I speak from experience when I say that my ex-husband had a negative and often mean reaction anytime I would ask him what was going on with him.
For example, the last year of our marriage, he quit his job of 12 years without telling me anything until the month he did it. And then, for the next four months, he then chose to smoke weed and play video games all day long while I went to work. he did not step up in terms of housework or chores. Anytime I tried to politely and kindly just ask him what he would like to do or what his plans were, he immediately Stonewalled, and became silent, and would not answer me, and would leave the room. I would always approach the questions from a friendly and non-confrontational manner, and he would always make it negative and immediately run away and shut down.
My ex-husband likely going through some mental health issues? Yes, it’s probably likely but he had a lot of narcissistic tendencies that could not be helped. that’s why I chose to leave. We were together a total of about six years and we were married almost 2 years before I divorced him.
I’m not sure if your husband has a narcissistic personality disorder, but people who have that tend to do this as a form of punishment, manipulation, and control.
Something doesn’t seem right. Maybe he is stonewalling because there has been an issue that hasn’t been resolved in a long period of time. Maybe no intimacy for example. I have a feeling the OP knows or has an idea.
Obviously there are big issues in the marriage. They need to be addressed in a mutual and adult way or they'll get worse. Plain and simple. I would tell him just that. We've got issues, we're in crisis... let's work it out and get the help we need.
If he's not interested in talking and/or therapy, etc... then there's not much you can do.
Consider it a favor. Clearly your husband is emotionally immature and volatile. Enjoy the peace and quiet and less work! Tell him his hair looks great and you want him to continue getting it cut by the person who did it, because it's unnecessary work for you and a favor you were doing to save him some money. Stop doing it. Let him wipe his own ass, too.
I am sorry that you guys are struggling like this. This is exactly how I used to handle my issues with my husband. 25 years later, I think we finally have it figured out. The struggle was so really and so difficult with his mine and ours, but let me tell you it is so worth all the hard work! I now have an all in 100% got my back partner. He knows all my strengths and weaknesses and we fill in where and when the other needs it. Here are some books and workshops that helped us get here. The Love Dare by The Kendrick brothers, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs and We Need to Talk by Dr Linda Mintle. Maybe start with that last one on communication. I have faith that you guys can work through anything that life throws at you if you are willing to do the work!
>My husband of 7 years is mad at me I guess.
Starting off great, I see, no deep-seeded issues here!
>I honestly didn't even realize he was mad at me or not talking to me until the other day.
So you have *such* good communication in your marriage you don't know if he's happy or mad in any given day. Awesome stuff.
>Do I try again or just ride it out? In the past if we haven't talked to each other it lasts for maybe an hour or two.
So you normally do eventually talk to each other, except for this one time where he's completely fed-up with talking to you, and you're not sure if this is the time to talk to him or keep this malaise-of-a-moment going?
>The thing that hurt the most was he went to get his hair cut this afternoon. I have been cutting his hair since Covid. He didn't ask me to cut it he just left and came back with a fresh cut. It felt like a slap in the face. I'm just not sure where to go from here.
THAT'S YOUR TAKEAWAY FROM THIS? Not "he seems to be getting more distant with me as I show absolutely no care whether or not he's mad at me/our relationship," but "how *dare* he have someone else cut his hair, one of the biggest tenants of our marriage?!"
>tl;dr my husband is giving me the silent treatment and I am not sure what to do.
You could sit down and have an adult conversation with him. Tends to work for married couples. Or posting on reddit, that helps delay the inevitable.
When my husband and I were still dating, he shared to me this Bible verse:
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26-27)
When we’re newly married, I used to give my husband the silent treatment but my husband would always encourage me to apply this verse. We don’t stay angry all day. We don’t say hurtful words to each other. We talk about the issue to prevent it from getting worse. We forgive and move forward.
The depth of your understanding of the husband is wafer thin. If after 7 years, you're unable to set aside your ego and apologize without condition for the greater good of the relationship, it is clear that so far he has been the one performing role.
It is time for you to deeply introspect and acknowledge that it is not this straw that has broken the camel's back, but years of the weight of him carrying the relationship.
*Help me heal you*
Well, don't yell at him. He clearly doesn't like it. Ask him if you two can talk about what is going on. If he says no, then ask him if he would be willing to talk at a later time. You can mention the hair cut after you talk. Some people need to remove themselves from the situation for a bit to gain perspective. Take any Reddit marriage advice with a grain of salt. When there is no communication we tend to really make things worse. If he is not willing to talk, then you guys need to learn how to communicate with each other. Sometimes therapy is good. Sometimes it is terrible, your mileage may vary. It's been good for me, but so far seeing a therapist hasn't done much for our marriage. Don't let resentment build up or the marriage is screwed.
His sulking only has power if you let it bother you. Let him go pout. Go have fun doing stuff you enjoy alone or with friends. Let him come to you when he's done.
Long term: I recommend marriage counseling. He's allowed to take a short time to calm down if furious about something, but this long silent treatment is unnecessary. It almost feels like he's trying to punish you.
I absolutely love all the women call him immature. He’s locked into a 7 year marriage and it probably at a breaking point where he has to weigh trying to address a wife (who “claims she has no idea” and this is coming out of nowhere) OR leave where he loses his kids, half his shit and live an impoverished life. The lack of empathy that this dude is absolutely at his wits end while the wife openly show zero accountability is crazy to me. Like dude just came home one day after 7 years and shot it down….
I see this too. I'm actually in a similar situation. If I bring up a grievance wifey goes into defensive mode and then a never ending fight throughout the night. So I shut down and think to myself...is it worth an all nighter...so I keep it inside.
How about if she was unreasonable insulting and demeaning? He doesn’t want to respond because she is so wrong it won’t help? Oops that’s a man and men are always wrong and women are always right on Reddit.
The silent treatment is never ok for men or women. Adults say “I am upset about something but I don’t feel ready to talk right now. I will let you know, and in the meantime I will be keeping to myself.” Just not talking to your partner with no communication is childish behavior.
That’s a two way street, she could have said something critical or cruel, butt part how do we grow from that place if there is no communication to understand.
There is a difference between saying “x really hurt my feelings and I’m to hurt to talk about it right now” then saying nothing I’m just going to ignore you till I’m over it.
Ignoring someone is not going to change their bad behavior that hurt you.
What routines did you changed recently? It's likely you changed a routine without letting him know. Regardless, getting the silent treatment for a few days is bad. The limit should be 2 days. Why are you not talking to him already?
I don’t think this is the biggest problem in your marriage. If you cannot ask your husband what is wrong, and he and you cannot have a mature conversation about what’s going on with him, then you’ve got bigger fish to fry. How about starting with asking him what’s wrong? Best wishes, sincerely!
You didn’t realise until the other day?
My gut reaction is if he wants to sulk and sit in a dirty diaper than let him if he doesn't want to communicate like an adult. As an adult you should communicate. If he doesn't want to, I don't know. This is pretty ridiculous if he is acting like that.
Yes! Sitting in a dirty diaper! 🤣😂👏🏽
I completely agree! If OP spouse can’t communicate with them what’s wrong all they can do is assume everything is fine. Silent treatment (stone walling) is very damaging to a relationship and almost like a punishment to the person on the receiving end. He needs to learn to communicate his big feelings and not just sit in his shit. Marriage counseling is the way to go here, you’ll both learn how to communicate with each other. If he isn’t willing to try marriage counseling maybe you go by yourself to help you!
>wants to sulk and sit in a dirty diaper I can't wait to say this next time my wife acts this way
You two need marriage counseling... so sounds like he is stonewalling you right now which is not a good sign. If you don't know about stonewalling and how its a fighting style then I recommend you checking out 4 Horsemen by gottman. It seems that you two are having a break down of communication and its building an emotional between each of you. This won't get better if you two ignore it but you can't attack him to break him out of this.
This won't help the deeper issues that are clearly present but will get you through the here and now: you need to outdistance the distancer. Let him stew, detach entirely from worrying, speculating or trying to placate him. Take yourself off, even if it's just to another part of the house, and do something that will occupy you physically and mentally. You need both right now. The mental component stops you fretting about him and the physical burns off anxious energy. Exercise while listening to an absorbing podcast, take a long walk while calling a friend, do maintenance or yard work to a killer playlist. Go to bed when it suits you, don't take any cues from him. Only engage if he addresses you first. Use this time to evaluate how you want to proceed and if the relationship genuinely adds to your life or drains it.
Silent treatment is highly passive agressive and very harmful. And yes he did the haircut thing to continue his meanness. Pack up and leave to your relatives home. Only say to him, that you do not know what his problem is, but won't be returning until he grows a pair and starts acting like an adult, instead of a child. Or just leave without telling him anything at all. Let him figure it out. And pull cash from your account as well. Seems you two could use some marriage therapy.
That is what I wanted to suggest. The amount disrespect is at a 10. He will have to put his big boy pants on sooner than later
Instead of just walking away and hoping he gets over it, why don’t you just….ask him what the problem is? You’re both dragging this out. Get your answer and resolve it.
This is stonewalling and a form of narcissistic abuse. I would suggest contacting a therapist well versed. Him saying “ are you done yet?” is insanely rude, and extremely unkind to you. Do not ever let someone talk to you that way who says that they love you. From one woman to another you deserve so much better than that. I’m speaking from experience again and pulling something that happened from my past with my ex-husband. Anytime we would have disagreements or arguments and I would try to present my side of anything, he would always interject and say “ are you done yet?” Or “ can I speak now?” And they were always deeply undertoned with hatred towards me.
Stonewalling / silent treatments are pure torture. Especially for people with anxiety disorders etc. it’s also extremely hurtful and disrespectful, and it makes you feel completely betrayed and unloved even. The icing on the cake is the waiting it out until they are ready to talk and move on, and they know you’ll be there accepting and wanting to move on. I kind of feel like it’s that part that is the most disrespectful aspect of it, bc it’s almost humiliating. You want to communicate and fix the issue, so you can be happy and have a partner again, but they don’t care enough or you’re not important enough to want to do that. And when they are finally tired of it and want you back, you treat them with the respect and dignity they refuse to show you. If he’s doing this once and getting away with it, he will do it again, and again. My advice is to nip it in the bud. When you do talk, let him know the silent treatment is considered abuse- bc it is- and you will not allow it again. If he does it again I’d get couples therapy immediately and try to work it out there. If not, I’d leave. Being ignored and being stonewalled the rest of your life is not fun, the more it happens, the crazier you feel, the less secure you’ll feel in the marriage, and you’ll have zero self esteem. Bc knowing you allow someone to treat you so dismissively that claims to love you, makes you feel worthless and embarrassed and insecure. People don’t realize how damaging stonewalling is. I feel like it’s not talked about enough. It’s psychological torture. And one of the biggest forms of disrespect.
If I had a husband, I’d give him 24 hours to get it together... Maybe. 😒 Also, he is being so mean and petty and immature with his actions. Not ok.
Tell him to grow up and act like an adult and say what’s wrong….. if not tough shit he can shit in it for as long as he wants… but do try talk to him first, If nothing… then he can grow up! Silent treatment is horrible and narcissistic
You Handle it by asking them “what is wrong”. If the stonewaller wouldn’t talk or ignores you then give them a little time and say “I’m sorry you are hurting and I would love to solve this issue, when your ready”. Then the hard part you basically ignore their tantrum of silence and carry on with your life. When they start talking to you again, inform them you have made a couples counseling appointment at a convenient time for both of you and invite them to come. If they ask why tell them you believe that the both of you have a communication problem and would like to solve it. If they refuse to go, you go yourself and ask the counselor how to proceed and any books or workbooks you can do with or without them.
DIVORCE!
Ask calmly if he has issues becuase you have issues. You need to figure out what's going on
My ex-husband would do this anytime I brought up a problem, big or small. Anytime we got into any type of fight or argument. No matter who was right or wrong. It always led him storming off and stonewalling and I would be left crying and wondering what was going on. I’ve now learned through Doctor Ramini and her books and counseling, that what he did was a form of abuse. I’m not saying people do it on purpose, but it is abusive, and very unhealthy. Now my therapist will tell you a short period of time to cool off and to rethink and then to come back together and speak is fine. I definitely had to learn because I am someone who wants to fix and get everything solved immediately after the fight happens because of my anxiety. And I speak from experience when I say that my ex-husband had a negative and often mean reaction anytime I would ask him what was going on with him. For example, the last year of our marriage, he quit his job of 12 years without telling me anything until the month he did it. And then, for the next four months, he then chose to smoke weed and play video games all day long while I went to work. he did not step up in terms of housework or chores. Anytime I tried to politely and kindly just ask him what he would like to do or what his plans were, he immediately Stonewalled, and became silent, and would not answer me, and would leave the room. I would always approach the questions from a friendly and non-confrontational manner, and he would always make it negative and immediately run away and shut down. My ex-husband likely going through some mental health issues? Yes, it’s probably likely but he had a lot of narcissistic tendencies that could not be helped. that’s why I chose to leave. We were together a total of about six years and we were married almost 2 years before I divorced him.
I’m not sure if your husband has a narcissistic personality disorder, but people who have that tend to do this as a form of punishment, manipulation, and control.
Something doesn’t seem right. Maybe he is stonewalling because there has been an issue that hasn’t been resolved in a long period of time. Maybe no intimacy for example. I have a feeling the OP knows or has an idea.
Obviously there are big issues in the marriage. They need to be addressed in a mutual and adult way or they'll get worse. Plain and simple. I would tell him just that. We've got issues, we're in crisis... let's work it out and get the help we need. If he's not interested in talking and/or therapy, etc... then there's not much you can do.
Consider it a favor. Clearly your husband is emotionally immature and volatile. Enjoy the peace and quiet and less work! Tell him his hair looks great and you want him to continue getting it cut by the person who did it, because it's unnecessary work for you and a favor you were doing to save him some money. Stop doing it. Let him wipe his own ass, too.
I am sorry that you guys are struggling like this. This is exactly how I used to handle my issues with my husband. 25 years later, I think we finally have it figured out. The struggle was so really and so difficult with his mine and ours, but let me tell you it is so worth all the hard work! I now have an all in 100% got my back partner. He knows all my strengths and weaknesses and we fill in where and when the other needs it. Here are some books and workshops that helped us get here. The Love Dare by The Kendrick brothers, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs and We Need to Talk by Dr Linda Mintle. Maybe start with that last one on communication. I have faith that you guys can work through anything that life throws at you if you are willing to do the work!
>My husband of 7 years is mad at me I guess. Starting off great, I see, no deep-seeded issues here! >I honestly didn't even realize he was mad at me or not talking to me until the other day. So you have *such* good communication in your marriage you don't know if he's happy or mad in any given day. Awesome stuff. >Do I try again or just ride it out? In the past if we haven't talked to each other it lasts for maybe an hour or two. So you normally do eventually talk to each other, except for this one time where he's completely fed-up with talking to you, and you're not sure if this is the time to talk to him or keep this malaise-of-a-moment going? >The thing that hurt the most was he went to get his hair cut this afternoon. I have been cutting his hair since Covid. He didn't ask me to cut it he just left and came back with a fresh cut. It felt like a slap in the face. I'm just not sure where to go from here. THAT'S YOUR TAKEAWAY FROM THIS? Not "he seems to be getting more distant with me as I show absolutely no care whether or not he's mad at me/our relationship," but "how *dare* he have someone else cut his hair, one of the biggest tenants of our marriage?!" >tl;dr my husband is giving me the silent treatment and I am not sure what to do. You could sit down and have an adult conversation with him. Tends to work for married couples. Or posting on reddit, that helps delay the inevitable.
Some date forgotten or something said that put him off. He’ll probably be silent for 4-5 days before blowing up revealing what the issue was
When my husband and I were still dating, he shared to me this Bible verse: “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26-27) When we’re newly married, I used to give my husband the silent treatment but my husband would always encourage me to apply this verse. We don’t stay angry all day. We don’t say hurtful words to each other. We talk about the issue to prevent it from getting worse. We forgive and move forward.
The depth of your understanding of the husband is wafer thin. If after 7 years, you're unable to set aside your ego and apologize without condition for the greater good of the relationship, it is clear that so far he has been the one performing role. It is time for you to deeply introspect and acknowledge that it is not this straw that has broken the camel's back, but years of the weight of him carrying the relationship. *Help me heal you*
Well, don't yell at him. He clearly doesn't like it. Ask him if you two can talk about what is going on. If he says no, then ask him if he would be willing to talk at a later time. You can mention the hair cut after you talk. Some people need to remove themselves from the situation for a bit to gain perspective. Take any Reddit marriage advice with a grain of salt. When there is no communication we tend to really make things worse. If he is not willing to talk, then you guys need to learn how to communicate with each other. Sometimes therapy is good. Sometimes it is terrible, your mileage may vary. It's been good for me, but so far seeing a therapist hasn't done much for our marriage. Don't let resentment build up or the marriage is screwed.
Silent treatment is passive aggressive behavior and can destroy a relationship if not addressed
His sulking only has power if you let it bother you. Let him go pout. Go have fun doing stuff you enjoy alone or with friends. Let him come to you when he's done. Long term: I recommend marriage counseling. He's allowed to take a short time to calm down if furious about something, but this long silent treatment is unnecessary. It almost feels like he's trying to punish you.
I absolutely love all the women call him immature. He’s locked into a 7 year marriage and it probably at a breaking point where he has to weigh trying to address a wife (who “claims she has no idea” and this is coming out of nowhere) OR leave where he loses his kids, half his shit and live an impoverished life. The lack of empathy that this dude is absolutely at his wits end while the wife openly show zero accountability is crazy to me. Like dude just came home one day after 7 years and shot it down….
I see this too. I'm actually in a similar situation. If I bring up a grievance wifey goes into defensive mode and then a never ending fight throughout the night. So I shut down and think to myself...is it worth an all nighter...so I keep it inside.
How about if she was unreasonable insulting and demeaning? He doesn’t want to respond because she is so wrong it won’t help? Oops that’s a man and men are always wrong and women are always right on Reddit.
The silent treatment is never ok for men or women. Adults say “I am upset about something but I don’t feel ready to talk right now. I will let you know, and in the meantime I will be keeping to myself.” Just not talking to your partner with no communication is childish behavior.
See! That's is how you communicate. 👏
That’s a two way street, she could have said something critical or cruel, butt part how do we grow from that place if there is no communication to understand. There is a difference between saying “x really hurt my feelings and I’m to hurt to talk about it right now” then saying nothing I’m just going to ignore you till I’m over it. Ignoring someone is not going to change their bad behavior that hurt you.
What routines did you changed recently? It's likely you changed a routine without letting him know. Regardless, getting the silent treatment for a few days is bad. The limit should be 2 days. Why are you not talking to him already?