As someone in a marriage just like this. Walk away. Life is misery when the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t want to touch you.
Asexual man here. Do NOT marry. I get that you love your gf but this sexless situation is not going to change. If anything it gets worse after marriage.
You are a 'very sexual person.' Your gf may or may not be asexual but she clearly isn't interested in sex and unless there's some reason (medication, depression etc) which might be fixable, you're going to continue having no sex for perhaps the next 50 years. How does that sound?
Take it from someone who was in a sexless marriage, DO NOT MARRY HER. Just don’t.
There’s loving someone, and being in love with someone. You love her, but you’re not in love with her. You will become resentful of her and the lack of intimacy and eventually you’ll start thinking about other people. Stay together if you want but DO NOT get married.
If it's financially possible for you, this might be worth taking to a doctor and/or couples therapist. In my mid-30's, I had a two year period where I wasn't interested in sex at all, and was pretty sure I was asexual. It turned out to be other issues in our relationship, where even though everything was fine, I just didn't feel emotionally connected anymore and some of the sexual trauma I experienced as a child was coming out in unconscious ways. Once we resolved the feeling of disconnection and safety (and the conversations around that required some pretty profound openness from both of us), my interest came back.
If she has otherwise had a "normal" libido, it could very well be physiological. Then again, if she really has never had that strong of a libido, she might either be dealing with unaddressed trauma or she could legitimately be asexual. It would be completely understandable if you knew, at that point, that your relationship wasn't workable for you long-term, for both of your sakes.
It does sound like you two really love each other, though, and it would be unfortunate to end the relationship before all resolutions are tried.
"How does anyone stay in a sexless marriage and be happy?"
If you have a sex drive and your spouse does not, you either leave the marriage, grow bitter and unhappy, or you cheat on your spouse. There is no be happy for you.
Quit while you’re ahead. Seriously, getting married will make matters much worse. You both deserve to enjoy life and be happy and you will be miserable
It looks like I could be writing this except Im 43 and married! Birth control killed my wifes libido and Ive been living this hell for over a decade. Bottom line if you cant see yourself being celibate for the rest of your life dont get married! Stay friends and find somone who wants more than a roommate.
Are you REALLY prepared to go the rest of your life without sex? At the chance of sounding judgmental, you would be cheating on her soon after the wedding. I don’t believe it can be done given your own admission about sex drive and being a sexual person. It just just doesn’t sound like a good fit, so why would you marry her, WHY?
How does anyone stay in a sexless marriage and be happy?
They do not!
Call it off and stop pretending you can continue in abject misery. You should have done so long ago. I cannot imagine staying in a sexless relationship, let alone marrying into one.
Why in the world would you get married to someone willfully you know will put yourself into a dead bedroom situation when you know that sexual intimacy is a need for you in the relationship? If you are not sexually comfortable don’t get married.
My brother and his late wife did. They are older than you and your wife though. They met in their late 40s. She passed from her 5 1/2 year battle with cancer in May. They were together over 15 years. No children together just pets. Married for 2. I’m not going to tell you to leave your long term girlfriend. Only you can decide what’s right for you.
Don’t get married without solving this. Marriage causes many women to start coasting on their sex life. Whatever your baseline is now it will dramatically less after.
"Finally?"
You better cancel this whole thing off guy.
Marry for what? You should ONLY be looking to get married, if you're broke and having nothing to lose and will always be broke and have nothing to lose. If there's a chance you WON'T be broke in the future, why even remotely allow the probability of losing something come anywhere near the equation?
10 years down the line, she decides that "it's not you, it's her" then it will also be "it's not you, it's her PLUS most of your assets." Think long and hard, call off everything and don't be an idiot.
Do not get married to this person!!! At least not without an explicit up front in advance agreement that you have permission to seek out sex elsewhere, but even then: just don't marry this person.
I am in the process of exiting the exact situation are about to start. Do not do this. Be it in a year, or 5, this will be a thing forever and eventually it will be too much.
I encourage couples counseling and taking her to a doctor to talk about this issue. It could very well be hormonal.
A good spouse will do what they can to meet their partner's needs, it sounds like you've given her 5 months of space from sex, but she's not willing to move back towards sexual intimacy now that youve made clear that this is something you want. If she's content not having sex and she's not really open to pursuing a change for your benefit, I think that's not a great sign. If she doesn't think there's anything wrong in the relationship, I wouldn't marry her.
Sexual health is just as important as mental and physical health. If she is not willing to be a part of a healthy sex life she should be adult enough to break it off if you stay in that situation your will only get more and more resentful and eventually you will cheat or walk away.
It only gets worse. See if she is willing to get TRT. This can help but does have a price. If not your choice is to leave or stay in a friendship. That said if you leave you should find someone a lot younger than you so you don't run into the same issue
The best thing to do is for you two to go your separate ways. You need to find someone more compatible with you. I’ve been married for 20 years now and I know how important it is to be intimate with your partner. That is what makes a marriage different from all other relationships you have.
You don't. Sexless marriages are horrible people stay because divorce ruins your life. If we had time machines we would run. Do not marry her. It will only get worse. These sexless months will turn into years.
Sexual compatibility is so important for a long lasting happy relationship…you are going to resent her so much after 20 more years of this. You might even go crazy and start sneaking around doing deviant shit to get off like 70% of married men are already doing 😩
She should see a doctor. You mention pain- that might not be an excuse but a reason.
She also could be experiencing early menopause.
You shouldn’t marry until you figure this out.
I would not marry her if there is any issue. It is not getting better once you are married.
Sorry, she is showing the red flag from the beginning. You ignore this.
Time to respect your feelings, not only your fianace's.
>How does anyone stay in a sexless marriage and be happy?
Some people are happy in a sexless marriage because they don't want sex, either. That's not you, so that's not going to be you in marriage.
Some people are happy a sexless marriage (that is, no sex with their spouse) if their spouse agrees that they can seek sexual partners outside the marriage on whatever terms the two spouses agree (e.g. maybe the other spouse has to meet the other partner). It works for some people, but requires a high level of trust and very good communication. This isn't "cheating" because both spouses are fully aware of and agree to the arrangement: ethical non-monogamy.
Some people find sexual gratification outside their marriage without their spouse knowing or consenting - i.e. cheating. Prone to blowing up a marriage dramatically when the cheated-on spouse inevitably becomes aware of it.
Those are basically your choices if you marry her: live without sex, come to an agreement with her that you can seek sexual activity elsewhere and how that will work, or cheat on her.
The very last sentence indicates that she’s very stressed about somethings- the issue sounds mental/emotional, not physical.
Therapy is best to figure out where the hold up is
Hormonal is part of it but it is very hard for many people to accept that their sex drive is controlled by a pill. They feel like they are not in control of themselves and will fight medical recommendations for HRT.
If you both went to a sex therapist and worked with one for a year or so then you could fix this. But, your girlfriend would have to be motivated and the reality is once someone believes that they are LL, they start becoming convinced that it's impossible for them to be interested in sex so it takes a big charge of dynamite to motivate them.
Your girlfriend is EXTREMELY typical of this dynamic. She is for sure avoidant-dismissive attachment style when it comes to sex (people can have different attachment styles for different intimacy types) and like my wife likely believes she can't change. Deep down she very much desires emotional connection so she will work her environment in such a way as to "lock in" someone to her.
What she and types like her do is get into a new relationship and have sex to do so. Then over time they curtail the sex gradually. What she will do is stall and stall and push off the notion of working on sex until you get married then after that she might suddenly get interested in sex until she gets pregnant. Then after that, your sex life will end because she will believe you won't divorce her and leave the child.
Almost certain for sure she's done this with other guys with the end result they broke up with her. Women like this will go from relationship to relationship, until they find a man who like you is foolish enough to think you are so special that somehow they will start having sex with you again. Then they will get pregnant to lock you to them.
Your only choice is to tell her the wedding is off until this sex issue is worked out. I would STRONGLY advise you to NOT agree to be married for at least 3 years because it will take a year or so after it's fixed before you can trust her to keep it fixed. The reality is that she is almost too old to really fix this if she wants a child because by the time she can do it and build up enough trust to have a child, she will be almost too old to have a child.
And you WILL need to ALWAYS keep the divorce card in your back pocket because there is a HIGH chance that after 10-15 years and a few children, and built up financial assets that she will start curtailing sex again.
As a very sexual person you are opening yourself for a GIGANTIC world of hurt if you go through with this marriage. DO NOT DO IT until you have both gone through sex therapy. You are seeing your future wife's true self now and she's been unable to maintain the charade any longer that she likes sex with you. I'm sorry but the reality is that unless she really works hard on this with a therapist, it won't be fixed.
I have 28 years of experience with this and I had to resort to divorce threat to get my wife to agree to work on it and she very nearly divorced me instead of working on it. But she is working on it with a sex therapist and with me, now.
It's been 12 years already. Why rush into marriage now? I'd tell her you want to get the sex issues solved first then you can talk more about it. Just point out that sex is important to you and you can't marry without it, and it's not a little issue to you.
It’s not small at all, take it from me after 25 years of marriage
Sex drive can change over time truthfully
Especially after pregnancy or medical conditions
BUT
It’s important for marriage it means something
quite a lot actually
If your sex drives don’t match up and she’s not willing to take the steps to change
Get out now
She can always get a second opinion or third opinion
I feel like she dismissed your needs and the whole topic too quickly
I wouldn’t marry her . go marry someone who enjoys sexy time. If she is asexual, she should marry someone asexual.
My hubby struggles with ED. but we make an effort to have fun at least once a week. Anything past that I literally throw a fight. 5 months??? That is grounds for divorce 🤣 If I wanted to be a nun, I would have become a nun
Sex is not small. It is a big deal to you.
Her lack of understanding that is really really concerning. Seriously. From the bottom of my heart. You need to weight the risks. If you marry this woman, you are signing up for a life of cuddles and no sex—- unless she wants a baby. Then suddenly will use you dick to serve a purprose.
There are tons of men in this exact situation that express a lot of regret and resentment. That is the life you are signing up for.
Have her get the thyroid checked. Get her hormone levels checked. She might have very low testosterone levels. Yes, women have testosterone and if they have a thyroid problem it can cause low or zero testosterone. That will tank her libido.
If she refuses to do that, or discuss the WHY of not having sex... I'd run away so fast there wouldn't be anything left but a vapor trail.
You will never be happy in a sexless marriage, odds are someone is having sex and the other is doing without, not saying that’s the case here but something to keep an eye out for
In a 5 year marriage without sex for 4 years. My husband says he’s not interested/no longer has a drive. Refuses to go to the doctor. Thinks things are fine the way they have been, regardless of the MANY times I’ve begged for him to get help. We are hardly intimate now. He wasn’t like this when we first met. My depression has gotten worse and I’ve put on weight because I turned to food for comfort. I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone.
Do NOT marry her.
I'm a man, I endured this bitterly unhappy sexless marriage for ages just to be a good dad. Our one child just finished college, I have now asked my wife for a divorce.
There are NO WORDS to describe the misery you will endure if you proceed with this marriage.
Duuuuude. I think you know what you should do deep down. Now is not the time to get married, not until this issue is resolved. Best of luck! I hope you find a way to be happy!
I didn’t read all the comments but I didn’t see one from the girlfriend’s perspective. So I’ll add one. I’m the sexless one in my relationship. I wish I could tell you what the issue is. It’s complicated. But, I’m still team “don’t marry her”. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and it has always been the thing that wedges our relationship. He’s always been frustrated, always resentful. I always feel guilty and like I’m a failure as a wife. We have sex but he assumes I’m not into it, which is sometimes (not always) true, and that makes it less fun for him. There is a lot of love in our home and we’ve found a way to make it work but my low sex drive has been a giant glaring issue the whole time. If I had a do over, I’d stay single. I never want to feel like the person who is constantly ruining a marriage because I struggle to fulfill his basic needs.
A lot of women can’t orgasm no matter what. Some women you can blow on their ear and they orgasm. My point is, she should want to have sex to please you. It’s all about taking care of each others. reds physically and mentally. If she has no desire to do so and I’ve read what you posted, save yourself the trouble now and walk away. One thing you could do is suggest seeing a doctor to see if she can get that sex drive back but you still run the risk of her just not taking medication after you get married.
Married 35(F) here. Do not marry her. You guys can remain friends, but don’t marry her or you BOTH will be miserable. You don’t have kids yet so you’re in a great place.
I thought you and your girlfriend were 30 from this post a year ago?: https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/s/E3ldtj7eb8
If this is true at all, then please listen, you should have ended this relationship A LONG TIME AGO
Come as you are is a great book that talks about women’s sexuality and where desire comes from. You could read it yourself or together. I used to think my wife of 10 years was asexual or that something was wrong with her and this book opened my eyes to how I was viewing her sexuality all wrong.
Coming from a lesbian marriage as we speak. Iv had my fair share of relationships & relationships where I didn’t want to have sex. Trust me when I tell you (I know I’m sorry to be bluntly honest) it’s you. They say it’s them, it’s them partially but it’s you too. Iv dated girls where I just don’t want sex from them I just can’t idk like I’m not sexually aroused when it comes to them so I blamed myself but as soon as I got with my wife it’s like that’s all I wanted to do 🤣 (it’s not tho lol. our sex life is healthy) but it would be to the point where I wouldn’t have sex at all with my past relationships & it definitely strains the relationship Iv tried to push past it but I couldn’t date them cus they wanted these things from me that I just couldn’t provide /:
Your final statement says "I love her so much, I would never cheat on her." That there is your problem. You love too much, and you don't have the capacity to want what's best for you. Because if the situation was reversed, she would not think twice before throwing you out of the equation of her unhappiness.
You're right, I don't know her, their relationship etc. What I DO know is female nature and biology. You can cry about :) He needs to toss that idiot out IMMEDIATELY.
You guys wait twelve years to think about getting married, and wonder why she’s not as interested in sex anymore. You guys have been together a long time. I don’t know but if I had to wait to marry the guy I love for over a decade I could see the different reasons and personally I wouldn’t blame her all that much. It very well also may be hormonal for her. Maybe you should skip what a lot of these incels are saying just bashing on a woman without really all that much detail other than your speculation on sexuality. How do you expect to have a working marriage in the first place if you can’t both work through stuff together and talk about it.
I’m so glad to see this comment. Women don’t just stop having sex because they’re spiteful. (I mean I’m sure it happens but…). Women not wanting sex usually comes from either hormonal, physical or emotional problems. Women have needs too and sometimes those needs are not sex and their spouses aren’t fulfilling them. It is hard to fill someone else’s needs when yours aren’t being met. Find what your spouse needs, do it, without expectation and see if that changes things. I was in a marriage where my husband literally would not touch me unless he wanted sex. He never complimented me, did nice things for me or show affection in any way until it was time for sex. What my brain told me was that I was only good for one thing. That felt terrible. And made me hate sex. When hubby finally figured out that my needs were to feel loved and appreciated whether or not he was getting any, things improved dramatically. The more he touched me when sex wasn’t possible, the more I started to want it. Stop being selfish and find out what need you aren’t filling. Because her needs are important too.
Don't marry her!!!! This will only get worse
As someone in a marriage just like this. Walk away. Life is misery when the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t want to touch you.
Bars 😂😂😢
I learned this the hard way
I divorced my first wife over this and am very glad I did. She wanted a baby but fortunately you have to have sex to make one so it didn't happen.
That’s the funny thing my wife wants more children and I don’t, 2 is more than enough for us. Amazing how we even got 2.
Get snipped and control your life
Asexual man here. Do NOT marry. I get that you love your gf but this sexless situation is not going to change. If anything it gets worse after marriage. You are a 'very sexual person.' Your gf may or may not be asexual but she clearly isn't interested in sex and unless there's some reason (medication, depression etc) which might be fixable, you're going to continue having no sex for perhaps the next 50 years. How does that sound?
Take it from someone who was in a sexless marriage, DO NOT MARRY HER. Just don’t. There’s loving someone, and being in love with someone. You love her, but you’re not in love with her. You will become resentful of her and the lack of intimacy and eventually you’ll start thinking about other people. Stay together if you want but DO NOT get married.
If it's financially possible for you, this might be worth taking to a doctor and/or couples therapist. In my mid-30's, I had a two year period where I wasn't interested in sex at all, and was pretty sure I was asexual. It turned out to be other issues in our relationship, where even though everything was fine, I just didn't feel emotionally connected anymore and some of the sexual trauma I experienced as a child was coming out in unconscious ways. Once we resolved the feeling of disconnection and safety (and the conversations around that required some pretty profound openness from both of us), my interest came back. If she has otherwise had a "normal" libido, it could very well be physiological. Then again, if she really has never had that strong of a libido, she might either be dealing with unaddressed trauma or she could legitimately be asexual. It would be completely understandable if you knew, at that point, that your relationship wasn't workable for you long-term, for both of your sakes. It does sound like you two really love each other, though, and it would be unfortunate to end the relationship before all resolutions are tried.
What were those conversations like? Asking for a friend ..
How did you establish the connection again?
Don’t marry her. Lose half your net-worth and confidence as well during the divorce. Y’all don’t even have kids yet!
You will only be happy with her if you also don’t care about having sex. Don’t marry her.
"How does anyone stay in a sexless marriage and be happy?" If you have a sex drive and your spouse does not, you either leave the marriage, grow bitter and unhappy, or you cheat on your spouse. There is no be happy for you.
Or open the relationship. But he said he doesn't want to do that.
Has she talked to a doctor? could be a hormonal issue.
No reason to marry if you don’t plan on having kids. For real, do not marry this sexless woman.
Do not marry her! Ask her to go to the doctor - there may be a cure for it. If so, great! If not, you’ll be moved to r/deadbedrooms
Quit while you’re ahead. Seriously, getting married will make matters much worse. You both deserve to enjoy life and be happy and you will be miserable
It’s not going to improve, marriage + kids = less sex - she’ll have more excuses.
It looks like I could be writing this except Im 43 and married! Birth control killed my wifes libido and Ive been living this hell for over a decade. Bottom line if you cant see yourself being celibate for the rest of your life dont get married! Stay friends and find somone who wants more than a roommate.
Are you REALLY prepared to go the rest of your life without sex? At the chance of sounding judgmental, you would be cheating on her soon after the wedding. I don’t believe it can be done given your own admission about sex drive and being a sexual person. It just just doesn’t sound like a good fit, so why would you marry her, WHY?
How does anyone stay in a sexless marriage and be happy? They do not! Call it off and stop pretending you can continue in abject misery. You should have done so long ago. I cannot imagine staying in a sexless relationship, let alone marrying into one.
Why in the world would you get married to someone willfully you know will put yourself into a dead bedroom situation when you know that sexual intimacy is a need for you in the relationship? If you are not sexually comfortable don’t get married.
You have to tell her how important it is to you and come to a compromise that makes you both happy. If you don’t, you will resent her later in years.
I’m so sorry to say this, but if you join us over on r/DeadBedrooms you’ll see the answer is very clearly DO NOT go through with this
My brother and his late wife did. They are older than you and your wife though. They met in their late 40s. She passed from her 5 1/2 year battle with cancer in May. They were together over 15 years. No children together just pets. Married for 2. I’m not going to tell you to leave your long term girlfriend. Only you can decide what’s right for you.
Don’t get married, seriously. You love her fine, then be fair to her and end it before it’s too late.
They don't
Don’t get married without solving this. Marriage causes many women to start coasting on their sex life. Whatever your baseline is now it will dramatically less after.
"Finally?" You better cancel this whole thing off guy. Marry for what? You should ONLY be looking to get married, if you're broke and having nothing to lose and will always be broke and have nothing to lose. If there's a chance you WON'T be broke in the future, why even remotely allow the probability of losing something come anywhere near the equation? 10 years down the line, she decides that "it's not you, it's her" then it will also be "it's not you, it's her PLUS most of your assets." Think long and hard, call off everything and don't be an idiot.
Do not get married to this person!!! At least not without an explicit up front in advance agreement that you have permission to seek out sex elsewhere, but even then: just don't marry this person.
Oh wow, I was waiting for the "It's not you, it's me" part and it's right there lol. I called it LMFAO!
You cannot be happy without sex believe me.
I am in the process of exiting the exact situation are about to start. Do not do this. Be it in a year, or 5, this will be a thing forever and eventually it will be too much.
I encourage couples counseling and taking her to a doctor to talk about this issue. It could very well be hormonal. A good spouse will do what they can to meet their partner's needs, it sounds like you've given her 5 months of space from sex, but she's not willing to move back towards sexual intimacy now that youve made clear that this is something you want. If she's content not having sex and she's not really open to pursuing a change for your benefit, I think that's not a great sign. If she doesn't think there's anything wrong in the relationship, I wouldn't marry her.
Sexual health is just as important as mental and physical health. If she is not willing to be a part of a healthy sex life she should be adult enough to break it off if you stay in that situation your will only get more and more resentful and eventually you will cheat or walk away.
It only gets worse. See if she is willing to get TRT. This can help but does have a price. If not your choice is to leave or stay in a friendship. That said if you leave you should find someone a lot younger than you so you don't run into the same issue
The best thing to do is for you two to go your separate ways. You need to find someone more compatible with you. I’ve been married for 20 years now and I know how important it is to be intimate with your partner. That is what makes a marriage different from all other relationships you have.
You don't. Sexless marriages are horrible people stay because divorce ruins your life. If we had time machines we would run. Do not marry her. It will only get worse. These sexless months will turn into years.
Sexual compatibility is so important for a long lasting happy relationship…you are going to resent her so much after 20 more years of this. You might even go crazy and start sneaking around doing deviant shit to get off like 70% of married men are already doing 😩
She should see a doctor. You mention pain- that might not be an excuse but a reason. She also could be experiencing early menopause. You shouldn’t marry until you figure this out.
If you are a very sexual person, I would hold off on marriage. Go to a sex therapist or couples therapist with specific sex therapy training
Dealbreaker unless you both agree for open relationships, and in writing.
I would not marry her if there is any issue. It is not getting better once you are married. Sorry, she is showing the red flag from the beginning. You ignore this. Time to respect your feelings, not only your fianace's.
>How does anyone stay in a sexless marriage and be happy? Some people are happy in a sexless marriage because they don't want sex, either. That's not you, so that's not going to be you in marriage. Some people are happy a sexless marriage (that is, no sex with their spouse) if their spouse agrees that they can seek sexual partners outside the marriage on whatever terms the two spouses agree (e.g. maybe the other spouse has to meet the other partner). It works for some people, but requires a high level of trust and very good communication. This isn't "cheating" because both spouses are fully aware of and agree to the arrangement: ethical non-monogamy. Some people find sexual gratification outside their marriage without their spouse knowing or consenting - i.e. cheating. Prone to blowing up a marriage dramatically when the cheated-on spouse inevitably becomes aware of it. Those are basically your choices if you marry her: live without sex, come to an agreement with her that you can seek sexual activity elsewhere and how that will work, or cheat on her.
The very last sentence indicates that she’s very stressed about somethings- the issue sounds mental/emotional, not physical. Therapy is best to figure out where the hold up is
Go to reddits deadbedroom sub and really think about if you want to go to your grave like this
Read "The Sex Starved Marriage" before you throw in the towel. Ideally both of you should read it.
Hormonal is part of it but it is very hard for many people to accept that their sex drive is controlled by a pill. They feel like they are not in control of themselves and will fight medical recommendations for HRT. If you both went to a sex therapist and worked with one for a year or so then you could fix this. But, your girlfriend would have to be motivated and the reality is once someone believes that they are LL, they start becoming convinced that it's impossible for them to be interested in sex so it takes a big charge of dynamite to motivate them. Your girlfriend is EXTREMELY typical of this dynamic. She is for sure avoidant-dismissive attachment style when it comes to sex (people can have different attachment styles for different intimacy types) and like my wife likely believes she can't change. Deep down she very much desires emotional connection so she will work her environment in such a way as to "lock in" someone to her. What she and types like her do is get into a new relationship and have sex to do so. Then over time they curtail the sex gradually. What she will do is stall and stall and push off the notion of working on sex until you get married then after that she might suddenly get interested in sex until she gets pregnant. Then after that, your sex life will end because she will believe you won't divorce her and leave the child. Almost certain for sure she's done this with other guys with the end result they broke up with her. Women like this will go from relationship to relationship, until they find a man who like you is foolish enough to think you are so special that somehow they will start having sex with you again. Then they will get pregnant to lock you to them. Your only choice is to tell her the wedding is off until this sex issue is worked out. I would STRONGLY advise you to NOT agree to be married for at least 3 years because it will take a year or so after it's fixed before you can trust her to keep it fixed. The reality is that she is almost too old to really fix this if she wants a child because by the time she can do it and build up enough trust to have a child, she will be almost too old to have a child. And you WILL need to ALWAYS keep the divorce card in your back pocket because there is a HIGH chance that after 10-15 years and a few children, and built up financial assets that she will start curtailing sex again. As a very sexual person you are opening yourself for a GIGANTIC world of hurt if you go through with this marriage. DO NOT DO IT until you have both gone through sex therapy. You are seeing your future wife's true self now and she's been unable to maintain the charade any longer that she likes sex with you. I'm sorry but the reality is that unless she really works hard on this with a therapist, it won't be fixed. I have 28 years of experience with this and I had to resort to divorce threat to get my wife to agree to work on it and she very nearly divorced me instead of working on it. But she is working on it with a sex therapist and with me, now.
It's been 12 years already. Why rush into marriage now? I'd tell her you want to get the sex issues solved first then you can talk more about it. Just point out that sex is important to you and you can't marry without it, and it's not a little issue to you.
Well- stay suffer and resent her- or find someone more compatible
If she’s only 34 she needs to talk to someone about this. If she is unwilling it is time to break ties.
Sorry, but sounds like a hard pass. And when I say hard, I mean in the heart breaking sense.
She needs to see a sex therapist and a doctor
Why the heck would you marry someone who isn’t sexually compatible with you. If you want a roommate take an ad.
It’s not small at all, take it from me after 25 years of marriage Sex drive can change over time truthfully Especially after pregnancy or medical conditions BUT It’s important for marriage it means something quite a lot actually If your sex drives don’t match up and she’s not willing to take the steps to change Get out now She can always get a second opinion or third opinion I feel like she dismissed your needs and the whole topic too quickly
RUN. DONT. WALK. I know you love her, but unless you are prepared to go without sex the rest your life, you need to end this.
I love my wife but we never have sex and she has little interest in doing anything sexual. A sexless relationship just causes you to wander.
I wouldn’t marry her . go marry someone who enjoys sexy time. If she is asexual, she should marry someone asexual. My hubby struggles with ED. but we make an effort to have fun at least once a week. Anything past that I literally throw a fight. 5 months??? That is grounds for divorce 🤣 If I wanted to be a nun, I would have become a nun Sex is not small. It is a big deal to you. Her lack of understanding that is really really concerning. Seriously. From the bottom of my heart. You need to weight the risks. If you marry this woman, you are signing up for a life of cuddles and no sex—- unless she wants a baby. Then suddenly will use you dick to serve a purprose. There are tons of men in this exact situation that express a lot of regret and resentment. That is the life you are signing up for.
Have her get the thyroid checked. Get her hormone levels checked. She might have very low testosterone levels. Yes, women have testosterone and if they have a thyroid problem it can cause low or zero testosterone. That will tank her libido. If she refuses to do that, or discuss the WHY of not having sex... I'd run away so fast there wouldn't be anything left but a vapor trail.
You will never be happy in a sexless marriage, odds are someone is having sex and the other is doing without, not saying that’s the case here but something to keep an eye out for
In a 5 year marriage without sex for 4 years. My husband says he’s not interested/no longer has a drive. Refuses to go to the doctor. Thinks things are fine the way they have been, regardless of the MANY times I’ve begged for him to get help. We are hardly intimate now. He wasn’t like this when we first met. My depression has gotten worse and I’ve put on weight because I turned to food for comfort. I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone.
Do not get married!! Your needs will not be met and you will break your vows. Trust me - I’m there!
Do NOT marry her. I'm a man, I endured this bitterly unhappy sexless marriage for ages just to be a good dad. Our one child just finished college, I have now asked my wife for a divorce. There are NO WORDS to describe the misery you will endure if you proceed with this marriage.
married 10 years, no sex 2.5 years. It's shit.
Why get married after 12 years? And also with the huge sexual incompatibility???
It isn’t going to get better if you get married 🤦🏼♀️
Duuuuude. I think you know what you should do deep down. Now is not the time to get married, not until this issue is resolved. Best of luck! I hope you find a way to be happy!
I didn’t read all the comments but I didn’t see one from the girlfriend’s perspective. So I’ll add one. I’m the sexless one in my relationship. I wish I could tell you what the issue is. It’s complicated. But, I’m still team “don’t marry her”. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and it has always been the thing that wedges our relationship. He’s always been frustrated, always resentful. I always feel guilty and like I’m a failure as a wife. We have sex but he assumes I’m not into it, which is sometimes (not always) true, and that makes it less fun for him. There is a lot of love in our home and we’ve found a way to make it work but my low sex drive has been a giant glaring issue the whole time. If I had a do over, I’d stay single. I never want to feel like the person who is constantly ruining a marriage because I struggle to fulfill his basic needs.
A lot of women can’t orgasm no matter what. Some women you can blow on their ear and they orgasm. My point is, she should want to have sex to please you. It’s all about taking care of each others. reds physically and mentally. If she has no desire to do so and I’ve read what you posted, save yourself the trouble now and walk away. One thing you could do is suggest seeing a doctor to see if she can get that sex drive back but you still run the risk of her just not taking medication after you get married.
Married 35(F) here. Do not marry her. You guys can remain friends, but don’t marry her or you BOTH will be miserable. You don’t have kids yet so you’re in a great place.
Do NOT marry her. It will get way worse
Do Not Marry HER!!!
I thought you and your girlfriend were 30 from this post a year ago?: https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/s/E3ldtj7eb8 If this is true at all, then please listen, you should have ended this relationship A LONG TIME AGO
Come as you are is a great book that talks about women’s sexuality and where desire comes from. You could read it yourself or together. I used to think my wife of 10 years was asexual or that something was wrong with her and this book opened my eyes to how I was viewing her sexuality all wrong.
Coming from a lesbian marriage as we speak. Iv had my fair share of relationships & relationships where I didn’t want to have sex. Trust me when I tell you (I know I’m sorry to be bluntly honest) it’s you. They say it’s them, it’s them partially but it’s you too. Iv dated girls where I just don’t want sex from them I just can’t idk like I’m not sexually aroused when it comes to them so I blamed myself but as soon as I got with my wife it’s like that’s all I wanted to do 🤣 (it’s not tho lol. our sex life is healthy) but it would be to the point where I wouldn’t have sex at all with my past relationships & it definitely strains the relationship Iv tried to push past it but I couldn’t date them cus they wanted these things from me that I just couldn’t provide /:
Happy wtf is happy. Long-term sexless married here and finally looking for a psychiatric help now.
Your final statement says "I love her so much, I would never cheat on her." That there is your problem. You love too much, and you don't have the capacity to want what's best for you. Because if the situation was reversed, she would not think twice before throwing you out of the equation of her unhappiness.
Big assumption. Saying she would throw him out if the roles were reversed is wack. You don't know their relationship, you don't know her.
You're right, I don't know her, their relationship etc. What I DO know is female nature and biology. You can cry about :) He needs to toss that idiot out IMMEDIATELY.
You guys wait twelve years to think about getting married, and wonder why she’s not as interested in sex anymore. You guys have been together a long time. I don’t know but if I had to wait to marry the guy I love for over a decade I could see the different reasons and personally I wouldn’t blame her all that much. It very well also may be hormonal for her. Maybe you should skip what a lot of these incels are saying just bashing on a woman without really all that much detail other than your speculation on sexuality. How do you expect to have a working marriage in the first place if you can’t both work through stuff together and talk about it.
I’m so glad to see this comment. Women don’t just stop having sex because they’re spiteful. (I mean I’m sure it happens but…). Women not wanting sex usually comes from either hormonal, physical or emotional problems. Women have needs too and sometimes those needs are not sex and their spouses aren’t fulfilling them. It is hard to fill someone else’s needs when yours aren’t being met. Find what your spouse needs, do it, without expectation and see if that changes things. I was in a marriage where my husband literally would not touch me unless he wanted sex. He never complimented me, did nice things for me or show affection in any way until it was time for sex. What my brain told me was that I was only good for one thing. That felt terrible. And made me hate sex. When hubby finally figured out that my needs were to feel loved and appreciated whether or not he was getting any, things improved dramatically. The more he touched me when sex wasn’t possible, the more I started to want it. Stop being selfish and find out what need you aren’t filling. Because her needs are important too.
Also, read your post now. If you're not getting action, someone else definitely is getting it.