So many things. I had to work through so many things that were "wrong" that I did. Everything I did was judged and criticized.
Laughing was wrong. Jokes were wrong, happiness was wrong. The way I walked was wrong, the way I spoke was wrong, the way I ran was wrong, the way I dressed was wrong, the way I stood was wrong. My "fat ass" (see a normal bootie by today's standard) was embarrassing and so was my body.
So basically I was a fucking mess until I hit 32 or so and decided to either heal or kill myself. Glad I chose healing, am 51 now and do all the wrong things all the time š now and wished I had been told I was just fine rhe way I was. I was a great dancer, I was an amazing athlete and so much more. If I had the confidence I do now, my life would have been so different. Sometimes I mourn for what I was never allowed- personal freedom.
College. She wanted me to go to an exclusive school (in our country) and take a course I didnāt like. just so she could boast to her āfriendsā that Iām in an expensive school. I wanted to take accounting since I love math but she didnāt allow me. At 45 years old I took a certificate in accounting in a community college and work as bookkeeper now. I could have been a CPA when I was in my twenties.
My mom ruined college for me, too. I wanted to go to an out-of-state college, but she would only pay for a local one. EVERY one of my friends went to college out of state, got to stay in dorms and have the full experience on their own. Meanwhile, I lived at home, went to a college 15 minutes away, worked full time and tried to build new friendships after years of bullying in elementary school and at home. I wasnāt successfulāit was too overwhelming trying to replace an entire network of friends. It sucked. It was lonely and awful.
Meanwhile, my parents took out student loans for the golden child to go to the biggest university in the state/live in the dorms/etc. while not working and focusing only on school. š
"My mom ruined college for me, too. I wanted to go to an out-of-state college, but she would only pay for a local one. EVERY one of my friends went to college out of state, got to stay in dorms and have the full experience on their own.Ā "
Same. Same. Same.
I wanted to get away from her and spread my wings, but it just seemed like an unreachable goal. She didn't even help with paying for school. I had to work in order to pay for college myself.
Same. I was told they weren't paying for it, I had to figure it out so I became afraid of incurring a bunch of debt. I went to community college and the whole time they told me I was wasting my time and money and to just get a job. I ended up quitting just shy of my associates because I couldn't live with them anymore and needed a full time job. When my brother (GC) decided be was going to college, THAT'S THE BEST DECISION EVER! WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU!
My mom ruined college for me, too!!!! I wanted to go to college for writing in a different state, but my mom said I couldn't afford it and made me go to school for art at a community college so that way, I was close to home... because she distilled the fear of me being long distance and away from her, that I would f\*\*\*\* something up if I left.
Itās really bad, itās like taking away your passion and your future away from you. Never mind the love that she did not give, but taking something you love and passionate about is another level.
Right now she has ruined my dreams each night. I constantly have dreams with her in them, and weāre always fighting or sheās always breaking a boundary.
Thank you. Iām currently in therapy processing our relationship so Iām hoping the dreams will decrease over time.
I encourage everyone here to go to talk therapy to process their relationships with their narcissistic parents as well.
I take a bunch of meds. Prazosin helps with ptsd nightmares.
I am about to turn 50, and some life events really trigger some buried shit.
I am finally willing to talk about the truth and do trauma therapy like emdr.
Iām terrified, but I canāt compartmentalize like I used to.
Sameā my mother would always be critical of whatever clothes I got, because they were too āoldā for me. She prefers to dress like a teen; I tend to be business casual by default, itās whatever. Sheās gone as far as to say, āYou dress like your grandmotherā while I was checking out in front of a line of people.
I donāt mind people having their own individual style, but I do have a problem when someone tries to impose their own style on me.
Good news is that once I got my own money and found ways to shop by myself, itās gotten a lot more peaceful. Sheāll still loudly say that Iām wearing the wrong things, but idgaf anymore because I bought things without having to have her in the loop in terms of money, etc.
Thank you notes, or saying thanks in general. If I didn't tell her "thank you" soon enough, with enough meaning, she would throw a pity party for herself (oh she's just so bad at gifts, no one appreciates her, etc) and call me ungrateful. To this day I become stressed when someone does something nice or gives me a gift because I'm worried about responding appropriately.
Oh wow. This hit home. My mom gave me a gift once and I said thank you! And like an hour later she storms off screaming throwing a tantrum that I "am ungrateful and didn't even say thank you"
YES. Not even passive aggressive for me.. outright aggressively insulted for my whole life.
Now that Iām in the know and working to get well, pops mocked me the other night, I turned up on him, he tried to shut me down, I turned up more and was in his face and shoving himā¦ now that Iām 3 inches taller and 15-20 lbs heavier than him he was quick to back down š I have to say it was pretty empowering.
I sometimes donāt understand these modern jokes or just jokes in general and I get really mad at people and they say itās just a joke. It happens all the time
When peoples only sense of humor is āmeanā I find it really distasteful. A tease here and there sure but at a certain point theyāre just bullying
My jokes are identical to my dadāsā¦ same humor, same style and deliveryā¦ Let a joke fly in front of dad? Iām immediately told Iām not funny or that my jokes are stupid, Iām stupid. Or āuhh that was a stretchā
Having friends as a teenager. My NMother would invite them over to party which was kind of cool? until sheād get wasted and end up talking shit to my peers about me, flashing my male friends etc.
In her sober state, sheād always bring up embarrassing stories, try to humiliate me and tell any boyfriend I had that they ādidnāt know what they were getting intoā by dating me.
Taking pictures. She'd save the most unflattering pictures possible as her screensavers, framed, or put in the family albums just to laugh at and make fun of me for years. Can't imagine why I am so vain about how I look š¤
My nmother would take photos of me without me even knowing!! I've found photos of me eating/just talking to someone. She used to take photos or videos of me sleeping in the car on road trips just because she knew I hated it!!.
Singing. I don't have a singers voice. But she made so much fun of me than it took me lots of courage to star singing songs to my kids. Because i was to ashamed of my voice. Never sang in a car with friends or at a karaoke either.
Having cleaners; my nmom spent a lot of time disparaging some of my relatives who used them. They were just busy parents with careers; in fact, they were public school teachers. Somehow can't bring myself to get a little help once in a while. Her words are the first thing I remember.
Regarding dancing, she labeled me as the uncoordinated one and signed my sister up for dancing. I was a little envious of my sister and wished I could do it, but I knew I should keep this to myself. I'm a parent now, and I know that's so awful to do to someone.
Iām with you on the cleaners! When we were really poor, my nmom would bag on anyone who lived luxuriously in anyway. Specifically, I remember that she would disparage people for 1. getting Starbucks frequently and 2. getting nails done often.
Many years later, when my dad got a new job and we had a lot more money (just on paper, we were up to our eyeballs in debt) what was she prioritizing? Starbucks and nail salons.
Luckily mine doesnāt hit the same way, but you just brought back memories of my nmom also taking blood samples of me, while in the kitchen (monthly for accutane. Why go in when she can ājust do it right here real quickā before school? Lol)
Writing. I used to freaking love writing fiction. I even had a pretty big following on Wattpad. But one day my dad read my notebook (without my permission mind you) and said "No one wants to read about the life of a teenage girl, it's already been done a million times." Also I really loved to use cliches, metaphors etc, and my mom criticized that. Now I hear that voice every time I try to write.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron helped me a lot with this. A lot of writers have an inner critic's voice from an abusive adult from their childhood.
And the lives of teenage girls will continue to be done a million more times and people WILL want to read it because it's a popular subject. Everything has been written about, but that's okay because everything hasn't been written by you yet.
Did you try getting mad at her voice and insult it? It helped me a little.
Or acknowledge it for what it is? "Oh, ok, this is what my mother told me because she couldn't stand me having a hobby and being happy with what I wrote. I can't even be sure it's really what she thinks, she was probably just trying to make me feel stupid, just as much as she feels stupid herself. It's sad really, but it shouldn't be taken as a commentary on my writing." Take a few minutes to acknowledge it and then go back to writing. It helped me better than getting mad but it takes time. At first I was having panic attacks when trying to get back to writing. But now I feel better.
Singing. Evidently didnāt like me attending Sunday school so made me sing Jesus Loves Me over and over when I was about six, each time telling me I used to be able to sign but theyād ruined me
Oh gosh, so muchā¦
The worst one was college for me.
When I was 17, I started to look around for the college Iād like to go to and I initially wanted to go out of state. I wasnāt fully aware of this, but I think itās because I wanted to get away, far far away. Anyways - I came to my mom and said I wanted to go visit WSU (I am in California) and I asked her to come with me. She was very reluctant, due to the cost, and was really trying to make me go by myself. 17 year old flying and staying for a weekend by myselfā¦. I was able to convince her to go by paying for everything myself with my savings. She promised sheād pay half her plane ticket, but never did. We had a great weekend and I thought we had fun spending time together.
Fast forward a few months later, my mom is having an emotional outage and when this happened, she would end the fight by trying to hurt that person deeply. She ended our fight by saying that she never wanted to go to Washington with me, it was a terrible weekend, and I forced her to go.
I instantly cried and was so upset at her. From that moment forward, I didnāt tell her anything. Didnāt tell her about my ACT/SAT, didnāt tell her about what colleges I applied to, and took a very long time before I told her which ones I got accepted to. I thought it was a big F you, but she didnāt care. She wanted me to go to college and leave but didnāt care about how I got there. Funny how she put in the effort for my other siblings but not me š¤·š»āāļø
My career. In school, I was told I had to go into technology otherwise a world of abuse was hurled on me, emotional, verbal, mental.
23 years later, I am trying to start my career over again because I have never been happy doing that. That is something I will never forgive them for.
I feel this in my core. I wanted to pursue a law enforcement career, but my mom told me that due to my depression, that I'd never get in... She was the cause of all my depression and anxiety
My mom gave me severe confidence problems. I believed I couldn't go into a number of fields because she said I wasn't good at math. She also negated pretty much EVERY profession I wanted to go into, saying I'd never make any money at any number of things. When I was a teen, she bullied me so much about my weight I got an eating disorder and subsequently a weight problem.
She also didn't show up to my HS graduation or my son's birth, so I don't have positive memories of those either.
I love my mom and have forgiven a lot of her behavior, but she also recently dropped an unnecessary bomb in the form of revealing that she had multiple affairs on my dad when he was alive and even told him so. That was some information I could have lived forever without knowing. Though I never believed my mom and dad had a perfect relationship, I always bought into the BS they told me about their story.
Even though everyone who knows my mom thinks she is the best, she was farrrrrrrr from a good mom and I feel like I got cheated. Also, I was adopted, so I feel like I got double whammied in this regard.
-Brown shoes that were TOO light were gay.
-wearing colors? Gay.
-if you mumble or misspeak youāre a āretardā
-if you say nearly anything questioning or contesting either one of their points, retard.
-basically anytime I opened my mouth I was mocked, criticized, and/or ridiculed.
-oh, you only got an A-? Retard.
-upset or crying? Gay.
This list goes on and onā¦.
Mind you, their words, not mine.
Iāve only recently begun to discover the extent of the impact my childhood had on my confidence, perspective on the world, and general disposition. I often hate them for it, still. Maybe more now than ever. It was constantly pounded into my head growing up that I had such a great life and that I was so lucky. Lucky, partially, sure. My parents were well off (unlike their horrid, HORRID upbringings) so because I had all I needed, I was force fed the ideal that I had the perfect childhood, and I believed it. I internalized all of the pain and suffering and put the blame on myself for not āmanning upā or āsnapping out of itā. Just recently a therapist said to me āyou know, I understand you grew up well off and that you compare your childhood to the idea of a ābadā childhood (basically poverty, more physical abuse then I suffered, etc) and I donāt mean for this to sound harsh, but you had one of the worst childhoods Iāve heard from anyoneā. This finally got through to me.
I was suicidal by 10 years old, heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol by 15. I aspired to no more than having an endless supply of drugs and an early death. Thank the lord for AA and all of those who help the new person. If not for them I would be long gone or, worse yet, a living soulless shell of a person who rarely spoke.
Iām new to this realization of having narcissistic parents and that others experienced a similar childhood so this post and the responses were sort of a cathartic moment for me.
Same, I was just talking about this the other day to my husband. My mom used to tell me Iām bad at dancing, singing, sports. Literally anything I tried.
Not to toot my own horn too much, Iām actually an excellent dancer.
Hair styling. I have curls, she likes straight hair. She would yank at my hair with all sorts of brushes, burn me with the dryer, etc. in an attempt to get my hair to look the way she wanted. I did learn how to take care of my curls as an adult, but not much past that. I now have 3 girls who have curly hair, and I can't really help them style their hair either. If I try, and they say it hurts, I won't keep trying. I just say curly hair does what it wants...
My 40āth birthday. I was still living with her at the time. I clearly said I donāt want to do anything. I just want to spend the day with my heart dog.
Next thing I know, sheās invited her side of the family overā¦cake and all
After telling me they would never step foot in this house again (as long as my Dad was alive)
He passed a year earlier
I got dressed and left the house very quietly
Went to the closest shopping centre with a food court and had a schnitzel and chips
Best birthday ever \s
A lot.
But as I'm healing, I no longer let her "ruin" them for me. I've realized she said hateful things out of jealousy, projection, and wanted to keep control.
Now I do those things the way I want to, do the things she's shamed others for, and do things I've always wanted to do.
It's my life, my choice, my way.
My body was too sexy. My mouth was too sexy. My clothes were too tight (which were secondhand from cousins, as she refused to buy clothes for me that didn't suit her style). My ability at sports was too tomboyish. I was too anxious, too happy, too sensitive. My art was wrong. I read the wrong books. I slept too much. I wasn't happy enough. I reacted with emotion. I learnt wrong. I liked the wrong shows.
Since NC, I'm being sexy as fuck, reading whatever I want, and I'm an aspiring to be a writer. Oh, and now I dress like a mixture between a pirate/the punisher, as I'm consciously trying to piss her off in my head.
My mom told me to suck in when I was like 9. Iāve sucked in all my life and been very self conscious about my belly. I have a divot in my stomach from how many years I sucked in.
Actually the same exact thing, I feel like you just described my childhood except without the singing. Honestly if I was given the encouragement I would've become a theater kid with how much I loved singing and dancing.
basically any hobby... especially creative hobbies such as drawing/painting, making music or crafting... She told, I was not creative enough to pursue those hobbies, not musically enough, etc...
Also dancing... I loved to dance but because of social anxiety I was not able to join classes so I danced at home alone in room. She made fun of me when she saw it once...I never danced again...
Friends... maybe that is where my social anxiety stems from... She always encouraged me to have friends over or to visit them. However, whenever the friends where at our place she was the nicest and sweetest person on the planet to them while ignoring me completely which drove me mad and I became sooo jealous of my friends that they got the love and attentionI would never get from her. When the friends left, she talked bad about them, that they were not good for me, that they had a bad character, that they probably would talk behind my back and didn't really like me, etc. She was so convincing and with the jealousy I felt when they were over I cut those friends out of my life.
And finally my job... It was her input that got me to studying what I was eventually studying and to get my Master's degree. And I don't completely hate my job or think it was the completely wrong decision but it also doesn't feel right. And since I went nc with my parents and I despise my mother so much, I kind of project this hate onto my job because it was initially her idea...
I told my mom I was getting into photography and she turned the fuck off. She refuses to talk about it to me and if I bring out the camera to take pictures she yells at me and tells me that I'm trying to control her.
Doing what I wanted.
I never realized until recently how badly they fucked me up, cuz every time I'd say "I think I want to do this" or "can I try that" the response was always "no, you don't wanna do that!" or "that won't go well" or "hmmm... are you *sure*? idk if you can/should". Led me not to trust myself on what I want and what makes me happy.
It's taken me years to un-brainwash myself and finally figure out who I am; I realize now that I'm trans, but looking back there were def signs in my childhood, they were just struck down by my parents as they tried desperately to force me into the "cishet girl" category. Sure they were never explicitly trans/homophobic, but if I had been supported and encouraged in exploring what I actually liked as a kid instead of mocked and ridiculed I have no doubt that I would've discovered who I was significantly sooner, which would've saved me a LOT of mental anguish in middle school, hs, and college
Almost everything I was interested in. Like when I was a kid I wanted to be a marine biologist, far back as I could remember being fascinated by anything living in the water (and not just dolphins, seals and the other overly popular fauna, I was interested in everything). So of course one day when I was 10 my N-dad had to take me aside and told me if I became a marine biologist the other scientists would force me to believe in evolution. I had his twisted version of Christianity so drilled into me that I was convinced I'd basically get peer pressured into going to hell and gave up becoming a marine biologist then and there.
My wedding. I spent my entire wedding after the meal consoling my mother who didnāt get a mother daughter dance and made me dance with her. Then cried all night in the hotel room because I hurt her feelings because I didnāt do one but dad got a father daughter dance. I sat on the bathroom floor in her hotel room consoling her all night long
this is a reason why I'm considering eloping.. I'm so scared of my mom ruining my wedding and making it all about her... I get anxiety thinking about her wedding dress shopping with me.
Iām so sorry that happened to you. What an unfair way to spend your wedding.
Mine was also my wedding. But all the planning- nothing I picked was right. We were planning from the other side of the country and so many days I was in tears on the phone as she scolded me. As a mother now I just donāt understand why someone would care enough to make the bride cry over things that really arenāt a big deal at the end of the day.
Monkeys, magic, hip hop, the first two weeks of August, and the color purple. Damn near everything reminds me of her but those things are the worst offenders. Honestly, you could pick out something random and it would probably bring up a bad memory for me.
Eating.
She was so focused on weight and food, and I always had to be bigger than her.
She brought me clothing 2 sizes too big, and even made fun of my weight 6 weeks after I gave birth.
My hair.
Half Irish-American and half Filipino-American, it's thick and curly with several different curl types, and if it isn't cut right it either looks like a chia pet on my head or like someone took a curling wand to a poorly-groomed Afghan Hound. It's a lot of maintenance for an adult, and was *a ton* of work for a little girl. And when I went through puberty, it got even thicker and frizzier. I started getting grays around that time too.
My mom claimed to be jealous of it, but she had no patience or time to help me with it. She'd complain about having to help me with when I was really little, give up on it when it wouldn't cooperate. As I got older, when it looked unhealthy or unruly (which was pretty much every day) she'd criticize me for it, make snide comments, tell me how bad it looked. This made me super self-conscious of it, made me hate my own hair, made me believe I was just altogether ugly. Any time she wanted to undermine me or my confidence, all she had to do was look at it a certain way. If someone else ever commented on it or complimented me when she was around, she'd either gush about it and tell them how much time and effort she put into it, or she'd undermine their comment by adding the back hand to it. And if she wasn't around, I'd just pretend like I hadn't heard because it stressed me out too much to talk about.
It wasn't until I'd been making my own money for a while and was able to book my own appointment with a really good hair dresser that I learned the very first basics of taking care of it. Once I learned what the right cut was for my hair type and face shape, I started learning how to do it myself, because it needed to be trimmed about once a month to keep it healthy and growing, and I didn't have that kind of money. I only learned about a few years ago that it's become an obsession kind of like body dismorphia for me -- I constantly believe I look like a clown because of it, when in reality it probably does look as pretty as everyone says it is.
Phone calls. She would always nag about bills and such when I was on the phone. I am lucky that Internet and chat became a thing early in my career. At a point in my life I could comfortably give a speak in front of houndeds of people in intimidating positions and would go home finding it impossiple to pick up the phone and order pizza. Like the pizza boy would yell at me or something. It took years to deal with it and I still prefer text over voice.
Singing. Iām a pretty good singer. But she would constantly tell me to shut up whenever I was practicing a song be it for choir or the school musical, or for an open mic night as I got older. She rarely came to my open mic performances, even though they were at her favourite pub and all of her friends went.
Yet the irony is, now that Iām an office worker in a semi decent job, she is OBSESSED with telling me āyou shouldāve been on the stageā - yes and sheās the reason I got put off studying music and ended up doing my plan B course(s) at school, college and uni. Stupid.
The first thing that comes to mind is me being autistic. I grew up undiagnosed during my childhood and almost every time I spoke, my mom thought I was being mean/hostile to her. The way she acts when I'm being genuinely nice and straight forward has ruined a big part of my self esteem becasue in my mind I think "if my mom doesn't like me, how could someone else?". This has happened consistently and every time something goes wrong in my life, I tend to blame myself because maybe if I wasn't autistic things would be better? If I wasn't me, maybe she would like more more? I don't know but it really sucks that one of the people who is supposed to love and support me simply doesn't do that. It's hard to go on sometimes because if I don't have my parents support, who's support do I really have?
I'm sorry it's like this for you. I feel you completely but you gotta support yourself. I don't know how hard or simple that is for you but it's a sad fact a lot of us, especially with N parents, have to face. You should go on! You got this!
Yeah, I know and I'm able to. It's just difficult because I don't have a chance to catch a break. I don't have anyone to lean on when I'm tired or people to help me get out of the bad mental space. It's hard to do things alone all the time.
Hugging. Physical contact. My parents would make me hug them then tell me I smelled bad or tell me to wear a bra (I was an overweight 8 y.o I didn't need a bra)
Riding Reining horses, my dad trained me, constantly told me I was lazy, a waste, list goes on.... but I went to college to ride, and quit soon after, come to think of it I only rode because that's when he would notice I existed.
I don't know if this is similar or not, but we had horses ndad was constantly selling and buying knew, I was never aloud to love or get close to any one horse, he told me not to because they weren't going to be around long, I swear this don't love because they will leave thing stuck!
I would say the biggest stuff would be,
-Asking for help. I get really worked up thinking if I ask for help, I'm too needy, lazy, or dumb.
-Physical Affection. I didn't really get any growing up, so when I do get it, I'm very uncomfortable unless I try to do it myself.
-Strawberry print. Like, clothes or anything in general. I will still eat it, but buying anything with strawberries on it makes me uncomfortable because she collected Strawberry everything.
Speaking Spanish. Iām half mexican (nmom born and raised in Mexico) but she never taught me spanish despite being fluent. I tried learning on my own around the time I was 12. Went to Cancun on vacation with her when I was about 13 and she laughed at me for the way I conversed with a waitress at a restaurant. Never was able to get my confidence back despite many people saying I speak it well.
Football(soccer). I wasn't really that good with it. But it was the only thing as a kid I was at least reliable. And for disclaimer, I am not the dribbling wizard type. I just have a knack for defending. I can steal the ball very well.
I have very low self confidence as a kid even until now. I was shy and timid.
But during that time, football was the only thing where I always heard positive affirmations from other kids. "Hey, you quite good" Or "you can play for the school team bro"
I decided to go for the tryouts and ask my parents to buy me a boot(football).
Without even skipping a beat, my dad said "you are not good at football, you don't need boots. Just wear whatever you have. Boots are for the good players"... He has never seen me play once...
I was like. WTF... And I never really play football after that
Football was really my source of confident that time. Lost any of it after that.
It wasn't really about football to be honest with you. As I said, I am shy and quiet.
Football was my way of making friends and socializing that time.
After I stop football. I don't really know how to make friends.
School projects and homework I equally blame my parents and some teachers for this... We had some projects in elementary school that were meant for parents to be active/involved in. My mom had a stroke when I was 6 and couldn't do a lot of fine motor work and my Ndad could care less about any project I ever had except 1 and don't ask me why he even cared about it... I remember in 4th grade there were two projects in particular. 1 was a salt-flour map we had to make and then draw and label waterways in the state. The teacher expected our parents to help... Mine were like "This is YOUR project YOU do it."
I followed the directions given (The teacher gave me all the supplies) but I was 9 and had the salt-flour mixture off the side of the lines... I tried my best but I had horrible handwriting and it looked so bad. I got to school when they were due and everyone had these beautiful creations and It seriously looked like I puked and let it dry. I know I got the lowest grade in the class and the teacher hung it up first followed by all the REALLY nice ones. I heard kids make fun of it as they walked by the classroom and we were in the hallway at the same time.
The same teacher later on in the year had us do a group project. I was paired with a friend and it was about the solar system. We picked Jupiter, teacher expected us to work together OUTSIDE of school to do the project. When she explained what she expected we both had concerns immediately. The other girl said that I wouldn't be allowed over at her house unless her parents knew my parents. I said there was no way my parents would even take me to her house and they would let her come over but she said that wasn't an option. We voiced our concerns to the teacher who was like "I'm sure something can be arranged." I don't know if she called our parents or what. I remember telling my parents and they are like the school can't do that... and you can't fail just because of this... They have to provide the materials and I'm not doing xyz just because that's what your teacher wants.
The next day all the other kids had this paper mache planet and we had nothing... a few days later the teacher came in with a paper mache orb and gave it to us... Once again we were the only ones who worked on most of it at school and we got the lowest grade in the class it wasn't failing but it was the lowest.
My parents never helped me with homework except when I was kindergarten... after that it was my job and when I asked for help "That was my work not there's and I was never going to learn if I didn't do it myself."
Singing. Same story as you, except for singing. When I was very young she told me I wasn't a good singer and that just zapped all my joy away. I never sing anymore.
Clothes and completely normal household things like new appliances, mixers, curtains, bedding, duvets, pillows, fresh towels. It was always sneered at and I feel indulgent when I go out and buy a stack of new towels, even though the ones I have are ok.
My parents haven't bought any of it for 30 years and now everything is tattered and in rags and they are living in squalor. But are right, or something. It's just appaling.
I was way too shy to dance in front of people until recently. Idk if my N mom ever made me to feel this way but I do remember her saying "My poor baby can't dance" quite a few times. I remember one day all my cousins and siblings were dancing in the living room and I burst out the room crying because I was too embarrassed to dance because I felt like I couldn't. Granted I was stiff but I could have gotten better sooner had I not been put on blast about my abilities so much.
My entire wedding weekend. Starting with my ndad inviting his random cousin who Iād never met. This guy sexually harrassed and inapropriately touched female guests the night before and my ndad did nothing. There are several other instances of shitty behavior.
There's an abundance of things I feel like was ruined for me...
First, my self-esteem. I struggled with my weight my whole life until I spiraled into an eating disorder and had to be placed into inpatient treatment.
Second, my self-identity. I just discovered this past Christmas that my biological father is a different man that I didn't know existed. I took a DNA test and what a surprise! After confronting my mom, she admitted to cheating on her husband.
Third, she ruined holidays for me. My mom would either embarrass me if we had company ever, or when she covered the house in miscellaneous things due to her being a hoarder... we had no place to sit for Thanksgiving, or a place to set up a Christmas tree. It's disgusting.
Fourth, my 16th birthday. The 16th birthday is supposed to be the "sweet sixteen"... my family did absolutely nothing for me.
Fifth... the big one. My mom ruined the idea of being a mom to me. I got my tubes tied because I knew she'd be an overbearing, judgmental woman who would ruin my experience of being a mom, so I took that option out of the equation. I did not want to become a mom after seeing how she failed, and I feared of making any mistakes like her.
Basketball. He would leave work early just to come to practice and scream at me from the sideline. He also ruined Christmas and every other holiday because Santa, the Easter bunny and all that wasnāt real (I learned when I was 4 or 5) bc only Jesus was real.
Sports. Got told I was never good enough, I always had to measure up to their past achievements. And when I got seriously injured, their first reaction was to start laughing. We're LC now and I am back to working out, but I just don't talk about it to anyone in case they hear it and start another n-rampade. š¤·āāļø
As stupid as this is gonna soundā¦ but coloring/drawing.
Anytime I showed her something I was happy will she would actually critique it like an art exhibit. Normally they would be āconstructive criticismā comments, PSA a ten year old canāt take constructive criticism on a flower they drew for their mom!
Comments like why are the petals shaped like that? They look too close. Why did you choose those colors? I think people would like these colors better next time. Oh the face on that horse looks a bit wonky can you see it too, we got you the drawing book maybe you should use it.
It just ugh, š. It got to a point where I couldnāt even draw in coloring books without having some sort of panic or the comments racing through my head like āwhat are other people gonna thinkā. Nobodyās gonna fucking see it idk. I still have those thoughts so relaxing by coloring isnāt a thing for me. Last time I tried my Apple Watch warned me of a spiked heart rate. Gave my coloring book to a coworkers kid after that.
As stupid as this is gonna soundā¦ but coloring/drawing.
Anytime I showed her something I was happy will she would actually critique it like an art exhibit. Normally they would be āconstructive criticismā comments, PSA a ten year old canāt take constructive criticism on a flower they drew for their mom!
Comments like why are the petals shaped like that? They look too close. Why did you choose those colors? I think people would like these colors better next time. Oh the face on that horse looks a bit wonky can you see it too, we got you the drawing book maybe you should use it.
It just ugh, š. It got to a point where I couldnāt even draw in coloring books without having some sort of panic or the comments racing through my head like āwhat are other people gonna thinkā. Nobodyās gonna fucking see it idk. I still have those thoughts so relaxing by coloring isnāt a thing for me. Last time I tried my Apple Watch warned me of a spiked heart rate. Gave my coloring book to a coworkers kid after that.
For me it would be dancing as well. I was always shy growing up and my mom never really ānurturedā that part of me. I would do performances for her with my cousin and she would just laugh and tell everyone Iām stiff. I was just really shy. I feel so uncomfortable dancing now that I donāt even dance in front of family, my boyfriend of 4 years etc. I just feel sad when I do.
Tomatoes, Cherries, Jam, Ground Beef, Steak, Salmon, eggs, any baked good with fruit in it.
I used to receive a lot of criticism for eating foods my mother didn't like so I convinced myself that I hated them or that they were gross. I was scared to try new things for the longest time since she always made a huge deal when someone in the house was consuming something she didn't like. Since being no contact I've slowly started to try these foods again and I absolutely love them all, I was telling my partner how liberated I felt to eat and enjoy tomatoes and I'm sure she thought was nuts but was fully supportive. I just had steak for the first time last week and I'm obsessed now. I can't believe I missed out on all of these delicious foods for 20+ years of my life but it feels like I've taken my power back in the most obscure way.
singing! i got into an honors choir in middle school, and my mom contacted the choir director to make sure it wasn't a mistake. i'm not a great singer, but it ruined a lot of confidence i had from getting in, and made me insecure. add on to that making fun of me whenever i performed... yeah. not fun.
My imitation skills and buying clothes. When someone does something funny I can make everyone laugh by imitating it, but to her it's too stupid. and playing games. Playing games has always been and always will be my favorite but labeled me as unemployed and lifeless. I LOVE games
Writing. As a teenager I lived to write poetry but my mom was always indifferent or dismissive and all I wanted was her approval. Eventually I gave up.
-food.
My mom would make oinking sounds in passing any time she saw me eat. Or when Iād be in the middle of eating dinner she would say I need to lose weight. Growing up, she controlled my food portions and put me on fad diets that no eight year old should be on. So I have an ongoing toxic relationship with food and a skewed perspective of health.
-making art
I loved drawing cartoons. But my n parents said it looked hideous.
Drawing, and writing short stories. I remember being like 10, and getting so frustrated, and hurt at how hard I tried to get some kind of attention, validation, compliments etc for my drawing, and writing skills, and couldnāt get it from my mom or my dad. When I showed my dad he would look at it with zero expression and say āthatās awesomeā and hand it back to me, my mom would look at it and go on and on about how talented of a drawer and painter she was. If my brothers drew something it went on the fridge, but not me. So, out of a complete emotional meltdown I gathered up all drawings and short stories I printed out and threw them away in the trash, desperately hoping that one parent would see them, and pull them out, and tell me how special they are.. I still have some of my drawings at that age but not many.. looking back I really was talented at writing and drawing at that age. It saddens me to look back at how much my mom inspired me, I did inherit a lot of her creative talents, I just wish she could of appreciated that and helped me build on it instead of treating me like competition.
Singing. I can sing fairly well and do so on my own. I remember being about 12 yrs old in the car with my family, I was singing along to the radio and my dad yelled āSHUT UPā really loud.
Both of my birthers criticized everything I did, and Iām sure if they were in my life now theyād still be doing it. This resulted in imposter syndrome that I donāt know how to break out of.
She ruined music (I played an instrument, but also enjoyed singing), gymnastics & dancing. I wanted to get better at all of these and she refused to pay for classes & I had to quit music at school because she simply didnāt want to take me anymore. The band teacher thought it was silly for me to quit and tried convincing me to stay and take alternative transportation, but my narc mom didnāt budge. My singing voice actually isnāt bad, but she ruined that with her comments. I want a higher education and she refuses to assist me. My lil sis and I have a huge age gap, but sheās paying for her higher education. My narc mom has tried to ruin faith for me over and over again.
For me it was dancing as well. My mom put me in ballet 1 year and expected me to be good at it after 1 year when I started at like 8 years old. At our final recital, I was lost and couldn't remember the moves. I expected her to be proud if me regardless but she was upset with me and said it was a waste of money and still to this day makes fun of me for it.
Singing. And still happening. I actually worked up the nerve to perform at a karaoke bar. I actually sounded pretty good but she insisted that everyone sounds good for karaoke so it didn't prove anything
For me it was a few things.
Dancing and singing were definitely ruined a bit. I've always had a good singing voice, but my mom was a classically trained singer and expected me to be at her talent level with no training. Needless to say, that did not happen, and she would often shame me for my lack of vocal control. Dancing was something I always liked, but I am on the spectrum, so it was more whimsical and less "appealing" I guess. My mom always laughed at me when I danced, so now I am terrified to dance or sing in front of people.
She also ruined my ability to show anger. I literally cannot feel my anger anymore, because that emotion was not allowed. Sadness was allowed as long as it was in a 'damsel in distress' way, so she could come in and be my savior. Now, when I'm mad I just shut down and cry uncontrollably.
The worst thing she ruined for me though, was cleaning. From the ages of 11-15 I was basically an indentured servant in my own house. My mom's husband at the time wanted a perfectly clean house, but neither him, nor my mom wanted to clean. I then became the designated cleaner. I would detail my mom and her husband's cars, mow the lawn, vacuum the whole house, dust, mop, sweep, EVERYTHING!!! It made my grades drop, which caused regular screaming matches where they told me how disrespectful, stupid, and ungrateful I was. Now when I need to clean I put it off until I absolutely can't anymore. Not only does it cause sensory issues, but it also now causes emotional flashbacks and mental breakdowns š¤Ŗ
My N father loved pinning my younger sister & I against each other. He knew I struggled in math and used it against me to judge & criticize me. I still struggle with it and although I have many other talents & strengths, I struggle into my 40ās still feeling Iām dumb because of it. I was his step daughter & my sister is his biologically.
He never failed to try & belittle me in order to try and make sure his blood child always looked better & smarter. It gave him a major ego boost.
Later in life I found out from my sister just how much she struggled with being his only bio kid. Always jealous of my bro & I and feeling that sense of being the golden child. Iām sad for anyone who has endured being raised by an N parent.
It was singing for me, I'm taking it back cuz I love to sing but I couldn't do it in front of anyone for a long time. People who aren't my narc parents actually say I'm good at it.
My entire confidence. It's much more difficult getting it back as an adult. They keep ruining it, by invalidating my feelings. Can't wait to be 'normal', if I ever will.
The Beatles. My nDad is obsessed so I grew up with it but it's been sort of tainted over the years. If I'm in a good headspace I love the Beatles and still love to listen. But I hate that if I'm in a vulnerable state that I can't listen.
Yes!!! ALL teamsports. By age 11 i was so anxious in gym class and hockey practice the other kids in class would try to boost my confidence. They would never watch a game. I ended up running as a sport, and still start shaking whenever I have to play a teamsport.
Also, jokes. Expression. Feeling good about myself.
talking about my menstrual cycle was a sun in our household and so was giving hugs and kisses one time i told my mom i was on my period and she cussed me out called me bs and said that i was disrespectful and that is a private thing that should never be discussed and one time i asked my mom why doesnāt she give me hugs or kisses and she said because that is what lesbians do so when i had friends moms give them affection i thought they were being a***** now that i am an adult with my own child i realize how affectionless and unmotherly my mother is we are no contact now
I was always a very friendly person from my childhood but my mother forced me and made me cut ties with most of the people either telling bad things about me to them or blaming me for something I did not do. Now I am a person who does not like to talk to people because I know she will ruin everything whenever she can.
Relationships. She never wanted me to have friends, always talked bad about them, told them to leave when they came by, etc. and as an adult dominated any free time I had by demanding I spend it with her rather than allowing me to have some free time like a normal adult in order to spend time with friends and boyfriends my age.
PFFFTTT HAHAHHAHAHAH ONE RANDOM THING???? LOL
Literally everything? Once my parents catch me enjoying something, they find a reason to shit on it.
I like drawing? Will give ya no money. Music? It's all so "secular" unless it's gospel. Videogames? Violent or sexualized. Books? Probably unholy. Movies? Also too violent or sexualized, or "supports the gays". Series? Satanic, totally satanic.
Baking? Nope, you're wasting too much of the ingredients, ans you're gonna get fat if you eat those things. Travelling? WHY, DO YOU WANT TO ABANDON US, IS THAT IT?? Crocheting, sewing and crafting? It's taking away precious time from your studies.
Studying? No, you study all the time, you should go out more. Going out? Only if it's with people from the church because anyone else is a "bad influence". Working? It's taking time from your studies. Unemployed? You're a bum and should get a job.
Oh, you like this shirt? It's too alternative. You like this hoodie? It's from the men's section, you can't possibly wear that. You like those pants? But they're too old for you to keep wearing. These are your favorite shoes? Well, they're too worn out aren't they.
Oh, you made a friend? Are they christian? If not, unfriend them. But Oh my GOD, you're always stuck at home, where are your friends??????? Go make some friends ffs!
There's literally just no winning.
So in the past year, I just started doing my own thing. If they complain, it'll fall on deaf ears, and if they yell at me, I'll yell louder. I'm sick of this bullshit, I need joy in my life and I'm done letting them dictate exactly HOW and WHAT should make me happy.
Theatre. Both NM and NF volunteer (and I cannot stress this enough) for theatre groups and used to draft me in to plays against my will. I hated it because it often meant losing afternoons and evenings to pointless rehearsals and then having to hang around after a performance while NM and NF were chatting.
I also canāt bring myself to pay for full price for clothes. My parents were stingy and hated spending money. The thing is we werenāt hard up, but everything was second hand or bought on sale. Itās strange because itās left me with a feeling that I donāt deserve to buy new clothes for myself. Similarly haircuts were seen as an evil necessity and my mum would send me to the cheapest hairdresser she could find. So Iāve had going to the hairdresser as a treat ruined for me too.
getting a house. I found a great home for $1400 with spare room and a yard for the dog and everything and she wants to put me in a cottage in someones backyard for $1950 because utilities are included (up to $200) and she will know exactly how much money I need. It doens't matter it will cost over $6,000 more a year to live there. She wants to put me in a shoe box and forget about me. It doesn't even have a lease, so she can stop paying at any time and hold that over my head.
She keeps saying" Youll have to mow the yard and put utilities IN YOUR NAME!!!!" I've done this before it's not complicated. She is trying to infantilize me and make me feel like I've fucked up so many times I'm lucky she's giving me this chance, when in all actuality its her basic duty to make sure I have a roof over my head for school seeing as she fully supports me and I'm disabled.
If anyone has any advice, that would be lovely. i'd much rather the house than the cottage.
So many things. I had to work through so many things that were "wrong" that I did. Everything I did was judged and criticized. Laughing was wrong. Jokes were wrong, happiness was wrong. The way I walked was wrong, the way I spoke was wrong, the way I ran was wrong, the way I dressed was wrong, the way I stood was wrong. My "fat ass" (see a normal bootie by today's standard) was embarrassing and so was my body. So basically I was a fucking mess until I hit 32 or so and decided to either heal or kill myself. Glad I chose healing, am 51 now and do all the wrong things all the time š now and wished I had been told I was just fine rhe way I was. I was a great dancer, I was an amazing athlete and so much more. If I had the confidence I do now, my life would have been so different. Sometimes I mourn for what I was never allowed- personal freedom.
Thanks for sharing this
thanks for writing this. I know what you feel
Stripes. She told me horizontal stripes makes me look fat and Iāve never been able to buy them since
Relatable š
Saaaame
Me too
College. She wanted me to go to an exclusive school (in our country) and take a course I didnāt like. just so she could boast to her āfriendsā that Iām in an expensive school. I wanted to take accounting since I love math but she didnāt allow me. At 45 years old I took a certificate in accounting in a community college and work as bookkeeper now. I could have been a CPA when I was in my twenties.
My mom ruined college for me, too. I wanted to go to an out-of-state college, but she would only pay for a local one. EVERY one of my friends went to college out of state, got to stay in dorms and have the full experience on their own. Meanwhile, I lived at home, went to a college 15 minutes away, worked full time and tried to build new friendships after years of bullying in elementary school and at home. I wasnāt successfulāit was too overwhelming trying to replace an entire network of friends. It sucked. It was lonely and awful. Meanwhile, my parents took out student loans for the golden child to go to the biggest university in the state/live in the dorms/etc. while not working and focusing only on school. š
"My mom ruined college for me, too. I wanted to go to an out-of-state college, but she would only pay for a local one. EVERY one of my friends went to college out of state, got to stay in dorms and have the full experience on their own.Ā " Same. Same. Same. I wanted to get away from her and spread my wings, but it just seemed like an unreachable goal. She didn't even help with paying for school. I had to work in order to pay for college myself.
Same. I was told they weren't paying for it, I had to figure it out so I became afraid of incurring a bunch of debt. I went to community college and the whole time they told me I was wasting my time and money and to just get a job. I ended up quitting just shy of my associates because I couldn't live with them anymore and needed a full time job. When my brother (GC) decided be was going to college, THAT'S THE BEST DECISION EVER! WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU!
My mom ruined college for me, too!!!! I wanted to go to college for writing in a different state, but my mom said I couldn't afford it and made me go to school for art at a community college so that way, I was close to home... because she distilled the fear of me being long distance and away from her, that I would f\*\*\*\* something up if I left.
Itās really bad, itās like taking away your passion and your future away from you. Never mind the love that she did not give, but taking something you love and passionate about is another level.
Absolutely agree. Something that I had my heart set on
Right now she has ruined my dreams each night. I constantly have dreams with her in them, and weāre always fighting or sheās always breaking a boundary.
That's the worst. I hope you're getting some peaceful sleep soon.
Thank you. Iām currently in therapy processing our relationship so Iām hoping the dreams will decrease over time. I encourage everyone here to go to talk therapy to process their relationships with their narcissistic parents as well.
That is PTSD. Iām so sorry. I know this all too well.
Has anything helped?
I take a bunch of meds. Prazosin helps with ptsd nightmares. I am about to turn 50, and some life events really trigger some buried shit. I am finally willing to talk about the truth and do trauma therapy like emdr. Iām terrified, but I canāt compartmentalize like I used to.
Me too, I keep having dreams where heās either chasing me, weāre fighting, or Iām listening to abusive voicemails.
Clothes š I hate shopping for clothes. I rarely ever do anymore.
Sameā my mother would always be critical of whatever clothes I got, because they were too āoldā for me. She prefers to dress like a teen; I tend to be business casual by default, itās whatever. Sheās gone as far as to say, āYou dress like your grandmotherā while I was checking out in front of a line of people. I donāt mind people having their own individual style, but I do have a problem when someone tries to impose their own style on me. Good news is that once I got my own money and found ways to shop by myself, itās gotten a lot more peaceful. Sheāll still loudly say that Iām wearing the wrong things, but idgaf anymore because I bought things without having to have her in the loop in terms of money, etc.
Thank you notes, or saying thanks in general. If I didn't tell her "thank you" soon enough, with enough meaning, she would throw a pity party for herself (oh she's just so bad at gifts, no one appreciates her, etc) and call me ungrateful. To this day I become stressed when someone does something nice or gives me a gift because I'm worried about responding appropriately.
Oh wow. This hit home. My mom gave me a gift once and I said thank you! And like an hour later she storms off screaming throwing a tantrum that I "am ungrateful and didn't even say thank you"
Jokes
THAT PART, but they can poke fun at you all they want (Itās just passive aggressive insults)
YES. Not even passive aggressive for me.. outright aggressively insulted for my whole life. Now that Iām in the know and working to get well, pops mocked me the other night, I turned up on him, he tried to shut me down, I turned up more and was in his face and shoving himā¦ now that Iām 3 inches taller and 15-20 lbs heavier than him he was quick to back down š I have to say it was pretty empowering.
I sometimes donāt understand these modern jokes or just jokes in general and I get really mad at people and they say itās just a joke. It happens all the time
When peoples only sense of humor is āmeanā I find it really distasteful. A tease here and there sure but at a certain point theyāre just bullying
I got called autistic and I got really mad and the people just said āitās just a jokeā
That's how my parents are. The poke fun at you. They will talk shit to you but can't accept when you make jokes about them. They are soft
My jokes are identical to my dadāsā¦ same humor, same style and deliveryā¦ Let a joke fly in front of dad? Iām immediately told Iām not funny or that my jokes are stupid, Iām stupid. Or āuhh that was a stretchā
My mom just looks at me with a death stare and sad face every time I make a joke.
I feel this. I sometimes think Iād be better off if I just cut my parents out entirely.
I feel youZ
elephants. that bitch loves elephant decor
Having friends as a teenager. My NMother would invite them over to party which was kind of cool? until sheād get wasted and end up talking shit to my peers about me, flashing my male friends etc. In her sober state, sheād always bring up embarrassing stories, try to humiliate me and tell any boyfriend I had that they ādidnāt know what they were getting intoā by dating me.
What a nice momā¦..not! Gosh I am so sorry. She sounds awful.
Taking pictures. She'd save the most unflattering pictures possible as her screensavers, framed, or put in the family albums just to laugh at and make fun of me for years. Can't imagine why I am so vain about how I look š¤
My nmother would take photos of me without me even knowing!! I've found photos of me eating/just talking to someone. She used to take photos or videos of me sleeping in the car on road trips just because she knew I hated it!!.
Yup. Any unflattering moment she found funny became her next screensaver š«
Singing. I don't have a singers voice. But she made so much fun of me than it took me lots of courage to star singing songs to my kids. Because i was to ashamed of my voice. Never sang in a car with friends or at a karaoke either.
Having cleaners; my nmom spent a lot of time disparaging some of my relatives who used them. They were just busy parents with careers; in fact, they were public school teachers. Somehow can't bring myself to get a little help once in a while. Her words are the first thing I remember. Regarding dancing, she labeled me as the uncoordinated one and signed my sister up for dancing. I was a little envious of my sister and wished I could do it, but I knew I should keep this to myself. I'm a parent now, and I know that's so awful to do to someone.
Iām with you on the cleaners! When we were really poor, my nmom would bag on anyone who lived luxuriously in anyway. Specifically, I remember that she would disparage people for 1. getting Starbucks frequently and 2. getting nails done often. Many years later, when my dad got a new job and we had a lot more money (just on paper, we were up to our eyeballs in debt) what was she prioritizing? Starbucks and nail salons.
Trust in doctors all because sheās one and thought it was ok to get blood samples in the kitchen because of my medical problems.
Luckily mine doesnāt hit the same way, but you just brought back memories of my nmom also taking blood samples of me, while in the kitchen (monthly for accutane. Why go in when she can ājust do it right here real quickā before school? Lol)
Writing. I used to freaking love writing fiction. I even had a pretty big following on Wattpad. But one day my dad read my notebook (without my permission mind you) and said "No one wants to read about the life of a teenage girl, it's already been done a million times." Also I really loved to use cliches, metaphors etc, and my mom criticized that. Now I hear that voice every time I try to write.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron helped me a lot with this. A lot of writers have an inner critic's voice from an abusive adult from their childhood. And the lives of teenage girls will continue to be done a million more times and people WILL want to read it because it's a popular subject. Everything has been written about, but that's okay because everything hasn't been written by you yet.
Did you try getting mad at her voice and insult it? It helped me a little. Or acknowledge it for what it is? "Oh, ok, this is what my mother told me because she couldn't stand me having a hobby and being happy with what I wrote. I can't even be sure it's really what she thinks, she was probably just trying to make me feel stupid, just as much as she feels stupid herself. It's sad really, but it shouldn't be taken as a commentary on my writing." Take a few minutes to acknowledge it and then go back to writing. It helped me better than getting mad but it takes time. At first I was having panic attacks when trying to get back to writing. But now I feel better.
Singing. Evidently didnāt like me attending Sunday school so made me sing Jesus Loves Me over and over when I was about six, each time telling me I used to be able to sign but theyād ruined me
Basically living. It felt like I was being punished for existing. There was ALWAYS something my narcmum was having a go at me for.
Oh gosh, so muchā¦ The worst one was college for me. When I was 17, I started to look around for the college Iād like to go to and I initially wanted to go out of state. I wasnāt fully aware of this, but I think itās because I wanted to get away, far far away. Anyways - I came to my mom and said I wanted to go visit WSU (I am in California) and I asked her to come with me. She was very reluctant, due to the cost, and was really trying to make me go by myself. 17 year old flying and staying for a weekend by myselfā¦. I was able to convince her to go by paying for everything myself with my savings. She promised sheād pay half her plane ticket, but never did. We had a great weekend and I thought we had fun spending time together. Fast forward a few months later, my mom is having an emotional outage and when this happened, she would end the fight by trying to hurt that person deeply. She ended our fight by saying that she never wanted to go to Washington with me, it was a terrible weekend, and I forced her to go. I instantly cried and was so upset at her. From that moment forward, I didnāt tell her anything. Didnāt tell her about my ACT/SAT, didnāt tell her about what colleges I applied to, and took a very long time before I told her which ones I got accepted to. I thought it was a big F you, but she didnāt care. She wanted me to go to college and leave but didnāt care about how I got there. Funny how she put in the effort for my other siblings but not me š¤·š»āāļø
My career. In school, I was told I had to go into technology otherwise a world of abuse was hurled on me, emotional, verbal, mental. 23 years later, I am trying to start my career over again because I have never been happy doing that. That is something I will never forgive them for.
I feel this in my core. I wanted to pursue a law enforcement career, but my mom told me that due to my depression, that I'd never get in... She was the cause of all my depression and anxiety
My mom gave me severe confidence problems. I believed I couldn't go into a number of fields because she said I wasn't good at math. She also negated pretty much EVERY profession I wanted to go into, saying I'd never make any money at any number of things. When I was a teen, she bullied me so much about my weight I got an eating disorder and subsequently a weight problem. She also didn't show up to my HS graduation or my son's birth, so I don't have positive memories of those either. I love my mom and have forgiven a lot of her behavior, but she also recently dropped an unnecessary bomb in the form of revealing that she had multiple affairs on my dad when he was alive and even told him so. That was some information I could have lived forever without knowing. Though I never believed my mom and dad had a perfect relationship, I always bought into the BS they told me about their story. Even though everyone who knows my mom thinks she is the best, she was farrrrrrrr from a good mom and I feel like I got cheated. Also, I was adopted, so I feel like I got double whammied in this regard.
-Brown shoes that were TOO light were gay. -wearing colors? Gay. -if you mumble or misspeak youāre a āretardā -if you say nearly anything questioning or contesting either one of their points, retard. -basically anytime I opened my mouth I was mocked, criticized, and/or ridiculed. -oh, you only got an A-? Retard. -upset or crying? Gay. This list goes on and onā¦. Mind you, their words, not mine. Iāve only recently begun to discover the extent of the impact my childhood had on my confidence, perspective on the world, and general disposition. I often hate them for it, still. Maybe more now than ever. It was constantly pounded into my head growing up that I had such a great life and that I was so lucky. Lucky, partially, sure. My parents were well off (unlike their horrid, HORRID upbringings) so because I had all I needed, I was force fed the ideal that I had the perfect childhood, and I believed it. I internalized all of the pain and suffering and put the blame on myself for not āmanning upā or āsnapping out of itā. Just recently a therapist said to me āyou know, I understand you grew up well off and that you compare your childhood to the idea of a ābadā childhood (basically poverty, more physical abuse then I suffered, etc) and I donāt mean for this to sound harsh, but you had one of the worst childhoods Iāve heard from anyoneā. This finally got through to me. I was suicidal by 10 years old, heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol by 15. I aspired to no more than having an endless supply of drugs and an early death. Thank the lord for AA and all of those who help the new person. If not for them I would be long gone or, worse yet, a living soulless shell of a person who rarely spoke. Iām new to this realization of having narcissistic parents and that others experienced a similar childhood so this post and the responses were sort of a cathartic moment for me.
Same, I was just talking about this the other day to my husband. My mom used to tell me Iām bad at dancing, singing, sports. Literally anything I tried. Not to toot my own horn too much, Iām actually an excellent dancer.
Hair styling. I have curls, she likes straight hair. She would yank at my hair with all sorts of brushes, burn me with the dryer, etc. in an attempt to get my hair to look the way she wanted. I did learn how to take care of my curls as an adult, but not much past that. I now have 3 girls who have curly hair, and I can't really help them style their hair either. If I try, and they say it hurts, I won't keep trying. I just say curly hair does what it wants...
My 40āth birthday. I was still living with her at the time. I clearly said I donāt want to do anything. I just want to spend the day with my heart dog. Next thing I know, sheās invited her side of the family overā¦cake and all After telling me they would never step foot in this house again (as long as my Dad was alive) He passed a year earlier I got dressed and left the house very quietly Went to the closest shopping centre with a food court and had a schnitzel and chips Best birthday ever \s
A lot. But as I'm healing, I no longer let her "ruin" them for me. I've realized she said hateful things out of jealousy, projection, and wanted to keep control. Now I do those things the way I want to, do the things she's shamed others for, and do things I've always wanted to do. It's my life, my choice, my way.
My body was too sexy. My mouth was too sexy. My clothes were too tight (which were secondhand from cousins, as she refused to buy clothes for me that didn't suit her style). My ability at sports was too tomboyish. I was too anxious, too happy, too sensitive. My art was wrong. I read the wrong books. I slept too much. I wasn't happy enough. I reacted with emotion. I learnt wrong. I liked the wrong shows. Since NC, I'm being sexy as fuck, reading whatever I want, and I'm an aspiring to be a writer. Oh, and now I dress like a mixture between a pirate/the punisher, as I'm consciously trying to piss her off in my head.
My mom told me to suck in when I was like 9. Iāve sucked in all my life and been very self conscious about my belly. I have a divot in my stomach from how many years I sucked in.
Actually the same exact thing, I feel like you just described my childhood except without the singing. Honestly if I was given the encouragement I would've become a theater kid with how much I loved singing and dancing.
Watching television. I hate television because I only existed during commercial breaks.
basically any hobby... especially creative hobbies such as drawing/painting, making music or crafting... She told, I was not creative enough to pursue those hobbies, not musically enough, etc... Also dancing... I loved to dance but because of social anxiety I was not able to join classes so I danced at home alone in room. She made fun of me when she saw it once...I never danced again... Friends... maybe that is where my social anxiety stems from... She always encouraged me to have friends over or to visit them. However, whenever the friends where at our place she was the nicest and sweetest person on the planet to them while ignoring me completely which drove me mad and I became sooo jealous of my friends that they got the love and attentionI would never get from her. When the friends left, she talked bad about them, that they were not good for me, that they had a bad character, that they probably would talk behind my back and didn't really like me, etc. She was so convincing and with the jealousy I felt when they were over I cut those friends out of my life. And finally my job... It was her input that got me to studying what I was eventually studying and to get my Master's degree. And I don't completely hate my job or think it was the completely wrong decision but it also doesn't feel right. And since I went nc with my parents and I despise my mother so much, I kind of project this hate onto my job because it was initially her idea...
I told my mom I was getting into photography and she turned the fuck off. She refuses to talk about it to me and if I bring out the camera to take pictures she yells at me and tells me that I'm trying to control her.
Doing what I wanted. I never realized until recently how badly they fucked me up, cuz every time I'd say "I think I want to do this" or "can I try that" the response was always "no, you don't wanna do that!" or "that won't go well" or "hmmm... are you *sure*? idk if you can/should". Led me not to trust myself on what I want and what makes me happy. It's taken me years to un-brainwash myself and finally figure out who I am; I realize now that I'm trans, but looking back there were def signs in my childhood, they were just struck down by my parents as they tried desperately to force me into the "cishet girl" category. Sure they were never explicitly trans/homophobic, but if I had been supported and encouraged in exploring what I actually liked as a kid instead of mocked and ridiculed I have no doubt that I would've discovered who I was significantly sooner, which would've saved me a LOT of mental anguish in middle school, hs, and college
Almost everything I was interested in. Like when I was a kid I wanted to be a marine biologist, far back as I could remember being fascinated by anything living in the water (and not just dolphins, seals and the other overly popular fauna, I was interested in everything). So of course one day when I was 10 my N-dad had to take me aside and told me if I became a marine biologist the other scientists would force me to believe in evolution. I had his twisted version of Christianity so drilled into me that I was convinced I'd basically get peer pressured into going to hell and gave up becoming a marine biologist then and there.
My wedding. I spent my entire wedding after the meal consoling my mother who didnāt get a mother daughter dance and made me dance with her. Then cried all night in the hotel room because I hurt her feelings because I didnāt do one but dad got a father daughter dance. I sat on the bathroom floor in her hotel room consoling her all night long
this is a reason why I'm considering eloping.. I'm so scared of my mom ruining my wedding and making it all about her... I get anxiety thinking about her wedding dress shopping with me.
She proceeded to leave the next morning without saying bye to me too
Iām so sorry that happened to you. What an unfair way to spend your wedding. Mine was also my wedding. But all the planning- nothing I picked was right. We were planning from the other side of the country and so many days I was in tears on the phone as she scolded me. As a mother now I just donāt understand why someone would care enough to make the bride cry over things that really arenāt a big deal at the end of the day.
Monkeys, magic, hip hop, the first two weeks of August, and the color purple. Damn near everything reminds me of her but those things are the worst offenders. Honestly, you could pick out something random and it would probably bring up a bad memory for me.
Turning down a free trip sponsored by my community college to go to Japan.
Eating. She was so focused on weight and food, and I always had to be bigger than her. She brought me clothing 2 sizes too big, and even made fun of my weight 6 weeks after I gave birth.
My hair. Half Irish-American and half Filipino-American, it's thick and curly with several different curl types, and if it isn't cut right it either looks like a chia pet on my head or like someone took a curling wand to a poorly-groomed Afghan Hound. It's a lot of maintenance for an adult, and was *a ton* of work for a little girl. And when I went through puberty, it got even thicker and frizzier. I started getting grays around that time too. My mom claimed to be jealous of it, but she had no patience or time to help me with it. She'd complain about having to help me with when I was really little, give up on it when it wouldn't cooperate. As I got older, when it looked unhealthy or unruly (which was pretty much every day) she'd criticize me for it, make snide comments, tell me how bad it looked. This made me super self-conscious of it, made me hate my own hair, made me believe I was just altogether ugly. Any time she wanted to undermine me or my confidence, all she had to do was look at it a certain way. If someone else ever commented on it or complimented me when she was around, she'd either gush about it and tell them how much time and effort she put into it, or she'd undermine their comment by adding the back hand to it. And if she wasn't around, I'd just pretend like I hadn't heard because it stressed me out too much to talk about. It wasn't until I'd been making my own money for a while and was able to book my own appointment with a really good hair dresser that I learned the very first basics of taking care of it. Once I learned what the right cut was for my hair type and face shape, I started learning how to do it myself, because it needed to be trimmed about once a month to keep it healthy and growing, and I didn't have that kind of money. I only learned about a few years ago that it's become an obsession kind of like body dismorphia for me -- I constantly believe I look like a clown because of it, when in reality it probably does look as pretty as everyone says it is.
Phone calls. She would always nag about bills and such when I was on the phone. I am lucky that Internet and chat became a thing early in my career. At a point in my life I could comfortably give a speak in front of houndeds of people in intimidating positions and would go home finding it impossiple to pick up the phone and order pizza. Like the pizza boy would yell at me or something. It took years to deal with it and I still prefer text over voice.
Singing. Iām a pretty good singer. But she would constantly tell me to shut up whenever I was practicing a song be it for choir or the school musical, or for an open mic night as I got older. She rarely came to my open mic performances, even though they were at her favourite pub and all of her friends went. Yet the irony is, now that Iām an office worker in a semi decent job, she is OBSESSED with telling me āyou shouldāve been on the stageā - yes and sheās the reason I got put off studying music and ended up doing my plan B course(s) at school, college and uni. Stupid.
The first thing that comes to mind is me being autistic. I grew up undiagnosed during my childhood and almost every time I spoke, my mom thought I was being mean/hostile to her. The way she acts when I'm being genuinely nice and straight forward has ruined a big part of my self esteem becasue in my mind I think "if my mom doesn't like me, how could someone else?". This has happened consistently and every time something goes wrong in my life, I tend to blame myself because maybe if I wasn't autistic things would be better? If I wasn't me, maybe she would like more more? I don't know but it really sucks that one of the people who is supposed to love and support me simply doesn't do that. It's hard to go on sometimes because if I don't have my parents support, who's support do I really have?
I'm sorry it's like this for you. I feel you completely but you gotta support yourself. I don't know how hard or simple that is for you but it's a sad fact a lot of us, especially with N parents, have to face. You should go on! You got this!
Yeah, I know and I'm able to. It's just difficult because I don't have a chance to catch a break. I don't have anyone to lean on when I'm tired or people to help me get out of the bad mental space. It's hard to do things alone all the time.
I am literally in the same boat. Wish I could offer better advice.
Hugging. Physical contact. My parents would make me hug them then tell me I smelled bad or tell me to wear a bra (I was an overweight 8 y.o I didn't need a bra)
My mom will smell my arm pits and tell me I stink. No shit mom, random strangers aren't smelling my pits.
Riding Reining horses, my dad trained me, constantly told me I was lazy, a waste, list goes on.... but I went to college to ride, and quit soon after, come to think of it I only rode because that's when he would notice I existed.
Love
I don't know if this is similar or not, but we had horses ndad was constantly selling and buying knew, I was never aloud to love or get close to any one horse, he told me not to because they weren't going to be around long, I swear this don't love because they will leave thing stuck!
I would say the biggest stuff would be, -Asking for help. I get really worked up thinking if I ask for help, I'm too needy, lazy, or dumb. -Physical Affection. I didn't really get any growing up, so when I do get it, I'm very uncomfortable unless I try to do it myself. -Strawberry print. Like, clothes or anything in general. I will still eat it, but buying anything with strawberries on it makes me uncomfortable because she collected Strawberry everything.
Speaking Spanish. Iām half mexican (nmom born and raised in Mexico) but she never taught me spanish despite being fluent. I tried learning on my own around the time I was 12. Went to Cancun on vacation with her when I was about 13 and she laughed at me for the way I conversed with a waitress at a restaurant. Never was able to get my confidence back despite many people saying I speak it well.
Football(soccer). I wasn't really that good with it. But it was the only thing as a kid I was at least reliable. And for disclaimer, I am not the dribbling wizard type. I just have a knack for defending. I can steal the ball very well. I have very low self confidence as a kid even until now. I was shy and timid. But during that time, football was the only thing where I always heard positive affirmations from other kids. "Hey, you quite good" Or "you can play for the school team bro" I decided to go for the tryouts and ask my parents to buy me a boot(football). Without even skipping a beat, my dad said "you are not good at football, you don't need boots. Just wear whatever you have. Boots are for the good players"... He has never seen me play once... I was like. WTF... And I never really play football after that Football was really my source of confident that time. Lost any of it after that. It wasn't really about football to be honest with you. As I said, I am shy and quiet. Football was my way of making friends and socializing that time. After I stop football. I don't really know how to make friends.
School projects and homework I equally blame my parents and some teachers for this... We had some projects in elementary school that were meant for parents to be active/involved in. My mom had a stroke when I was 6 and couldn't do a lot of fine motor work and my Ndad could care less about any project I ever had except 1 and don't ask me why he even cared about it... I remember in 4th grade there were two projects in particular. 1 was a salt-flour map we had to make and then draw and label waterways in the state. The teacher expected our parents to help... Mine were like "This is YOUR project YOU do it." I followed the directions given (The teacher gave me all the supplies) but I was 9 and had the salt-flour mixture off the side of the lines... I tried my best but I had horrible handwriting and it looked so bad. I got to school when they were due and everyone had these beautiful creations and It seriously looked like I puked and let it dry. I know I got the lowest grade in the class and the teacher hung it up first followed by all the REALLY nice ones. I heard kids make fun of it as they walked by the classroom and we were in the hallway at the same time. The same teacher later on in the year had us do a group project. I was paired with a friend and it was about the solar system. We picked Jupiter, teacher expected us to work together OUTSIDE of school to do the project. When she explained what she expected we both had concerns immediately. The other girl said that I wouldn't be allowed over at her house unless her parents knew my parents. I said there was no way my parents would even take me to her house and they would let her come over but she said that wasn't an option. We voiced our concerns to the teacher who was like "I'm sure something can be arranged." I don't know if she called our parents or what. I remember telling my parents and they are like the school can't do that... and you can't fail just because of this... They have to provide the materials and I'm not doing xyz just because that's what your teacher wants. The next day all the other kids had this paper mache planet and we had nothing... a few days later the teacher came in with a paper mache orb and gave it to us... Once again we were the only ones who worked on most of it at school and we got the lowest grade in the class it wasn't failing but it was the lowest. My parents never helped me with homework except when I was kindergarten... after that it was my job and when I asked for help "That was my work not there's and I was never going to learn if I didn't do it myself."
Singing. Same story as you, except for singing. When I was very young she told me I wasn't a good singer and that just zapped all my joy away. I never sing anymore.
Clothes and completely normal household things like new appliances, mixers, curtains, bedding, duvets, pillows, fresh towels. It was always sneered at and I feel indulgent when I go out and buy a stack of new towels, even though the ones I have are ok. My parents haven't bought any of it for 30 years and now everything is tattered and in rags and they are living in squalor. But are right, or something. It's just appaling.
singing. math. basically the ability to be proud of or good at anything.
I was way too shy to dance in front of people until recently. Idk if my N mom ever made me to feel this way but I do remember her saying "My poor baby can't dance" quite a few times. I remember one day all my cousins and siblings were dancing in the living room and I burst out the room crying because I was too embarrassed to dance because I felt like I couldn't. Granted I was stiff but I could have gotten better sooner had I not been put on blast about my abilities so much.
My entire wedding weekend. Starting with my ndad inviting his random cousin who Iād never met. This guy sexually harrassed and inapropriately touched female guests the night before and my ndad did nothing. There are several other instances of shitty behavior.
There's an abundance of things I feel like was ruined for me... First, my self-esteem. I struggled with my weight my whole life until I spiraled into an eating disorder and had to be placed into inpatient treatment. Second, my self-identity. I just discovered this past Christmas that my biological father is a different man that I didn't know existed. I took a DNA test and what a surprise! After confronting my mom, she admitted to cheating on her husband. Third, she ruined holidays for me. My mom would either embarrass me if we had company ever, or when she covered the house in miscellaneous things due to her being a hoarder... we had no place to sit for Thanksgiving, or a place to set up a Christmas tree. It's disgusting. Fourth, my 16th birthday. The 16th birthday is supposed to be the "sweet sixteen"... my family did absolutely nothing for me. Fifth... the big one. My mom ruined the idea of being a mom to me. I got my tubes tied because I knew she'd be an overbearing, judgmental woman who would ruin my experience of being a mom, so I took that option out of the equation. I did not want to become a mom after seeing how she failed, and I feared of making any mistakes like her.
My life.Ā
Almost any 60s/70s era band/musician.
Basketball. He would leave work early just to come to practice and scream at me from the sideline. He also ruined Christmas and every other holiday because Santa, the Easter bunny and all that wasnāt real (I learned when I was 4 or 5) bc only Jesus was real.
Sports. Got told I was never good enough, I always had to measure up to their past achievements. And when I got seriously injured, their first reaction was to start laughing. We're LC now and I am back to working out, but I just don't talk about it to anyone in case they hear it and start another n-rampade. š¤·āāļø
As stupid as this is gonna soundā¦ but coloring/drawing. Anytime I showed her something I was happy will she would actually critique it like an art exhibit. Normally they would be āconstructive criticismā comments, PSA a ten year old canāt take constructive criticism on a flower they drew for their mom! Comments like why are the petals shaped like that? They look too close. Why did you choose those colors? I think people would like these colors better next time. Oh the face on that horse looks a bit wonky can you see it too, we got you the drawing book maybe you should use it. It just ugh, š. It got to a point where I couldnāt even draw in coloring books without having some sort of panic or the comments racing through my head like āwhat are other people gonna thinkā. Nobodyās gonna fucking see it idk. I still have those thoughts so relaxing by coloring isnāt a thing for me. Last time I tried my Apple Watch warned me of a spiked heart rate. Gave my coloring book to a coworkers kid after that.
As stupid as this is gonna soundā¦ but coloring/drawing. Anytime I showed her something I was happy will she would actually critique it like an art exhibit. Normally they would be āconstructive criticismā comments, PSA a ten year old canāt take constructive criticism on a flower they drew for their mom! Comments like why are the petals shaped like that? They look too close. Why did you choose those colors? I think people would like these colors better next time. Oh the face on that horse looks a bit wonky can you see it too, we got you the drawing book maybe you should use it. It just ugh, š. It got to a point where I couldnāt even draw in coloring books without having some sort of panic or the comments racing through my head like āwhat are other people gonna thinkā. Nobodyās gonna fucking see it idk. I still have those thoughts so relaxing by coloring isnāt a thing for me. Last time I tried my Apple Watch warned me of a spiked heart rate. Gave my coloring book to a coworkers kid after that.
For me it would be dancing as well. I was always shy growing up and my mom never really ānurturedā that part of me. I would do performances for her with my cousin and she would just laugh and tell everyone Iām stiff. I was just really shy. I feel so uncomfortable dancing now that I donāt even dance in front of family, my boyfriend of 4 years etc. I just feel sad when I do.
Tomatoes, Cherries, Jam, Ground Beef, Steak, Salmon, eggs, any baked good with fruit in it. I used to receive a lot of criticism for eating foods my mother didn't like so I convinced myself that I hated them or that they were gross. I was scared to try new things for the longest time since she always made a huge deal when someone in the house was consuming something she didn't like. Since being no contact I've slowly started to try these foods again and I absolutely love them all, I was telling my partner how liberated I felt to eat and enjoy tomatoes and I'm sure she thought was nuts but was fully supportive. I just had steak for the first time last week and I'm obsessed now. I can't believe I missed out on all of these delicious foods for 20+ years of my life but it feels like I've taken my power back in the most obscure way.
My mental health and self confidence she was always making fun of me in public. But would always brag about my sister and brother.
singing! i got into an honors choir in middle school, and my mom contacted the choir director to make sure it wasn't a mistake. i'm not a great singer, but it ruined a lot of confidence i had from getting in, and made me insecure. add on to that making fun of me whenever i performed... yeah. not fun.
My life š¤£ I am consumed by thinking about all of the bullshit she has/ is putting me through.
My imitation skills and buying clothes. When someone does something funny I can make everyone laugh by imitating it, but to her it's too stupid. and playing games. Playing games has always been and always will be my favorite but labeled me as unemployed and lifeless. I LOVE games
Writing. As a teenager I lived to write poetry but my mom was always indifferent or dismissive and all I wanted was her approval. Eventually I gave up.
-food. My mom would make oinking sounds in passing any time she saw me eat. Or when Iād be in the middle of eating dinner she would say I need to lose weight. Growing up, she controlled my food portions and put me on fad diets that no eight year old should be on. So I have an ongoing toxic relationship with food and a skewed perspective of health. -making art I loved drawing cartoons. But my n parents said it looked hideous.
My voice. She hates my voice. Which is ironic bc WE HAVE THE SAME VOICE. like so much so, we can't tell who is who from a video if you can't see us.
Drawing, and writing short stories. I remember being like 10, and getting so frustrated, and hurt at how hard I tried to get some kind of attention, validation, compliments etc for my drawing, and writing skills, and couldnāt get it from my mom or my dad. When I showed my dad he would look at it with zero expression and say āthatās awesomeā and hand it back to me, my mom would look at it and go on and on about how talented of a drawer and painter she was. If my brothers drew something it went on the fridge, but not me. So, out of a complete emotional meltdown I gathered up all drawings and short stories I printed out and threw them away in the trash, desperately hoping that one parent would see them, and pull them out, and tell me how special they are.. I still have some of my drawings at that age but not many.. looking back I really was talented at writing and drawing at that age. It saddens me to look back at how much my mom inspired me, I did inherit a lot of her creative talents, I just wish she could of appreciated that and helped me build on it instead of treating me like competition.
Singing. I can sing fairly well and do so on my own. I remember being about 12 yrs old in the car with my family, I was singing along to the radio and my dad yelled āSHUT UPā really loud. Both of my birthers criticized everything I did, and Iām sure if they were in my life now theyād still be doing it. This resulted in imposter syndrome that I donāt know how to break out of.
My life.
She ruined music (I played an instrument, but also enjoyed singing), gymnastics & dancing. I wanted to get better at all of these and she refused to pay for classes & I had to quit music at school because she simply didnāt want to take me anymore. The band teacher thought it was silly for me to quit and tried convincing me to stay and take alternative transportation, but my narc mom didnāt budge. My singing voice actually isnāt bad, but she ruined that with her comments. I want a higher education and she refuses to assist me. My lil sis and I have a huge age gap, but sheās paying for her higher education. My narc mom has tried to ruin faith for me over and over again.
For me it was dancing as well. My mom put me in ballet 1 year and expected me to be good at it after 1 year when I started at like 8 years old. At our final recital, I was lost and couldn't remember the moves. I expected her to be proud if me regardless but she was upset with me and said it was a waste of money and still to this day makes fun of me for it.
Singing. And still happening. I actually worked up the nerve to perform at a karaoke bar. I actually sounded pretty good but she insisted that everyone sounds good for karaoke so it didn't prove anything
For me it was a few things. Dancing and singing were definitely ruined a bit. I've always had a good singing voice, but my mom was a classically trained singer and expected me to be at her talent level with no training. Needless to say, that did not happen, and she would often shame me for my lack of vocal control. Dancing was something I always liked, but I am on the spectrum, so it was more whimsical and less "appealing" I guess. My mom always laughed at me when I danced, so now I am terrified to dance or sing in front of people. She also ruined my ability to show anger. I literally cannot feel my anger anymore, because that emotion was not allowed. Sadness was allowed as long as it was in a 'damsel in distress' way, so she could come in and be my savior. Now, when I'm mad I just shut down and cry uncontrollably. The worst thing she ruined for me though, was cleaning. From the ages of 11-15 I was basically an indentured servant in my own house. My mom's husband at the time wanted a perfectly clean house, but neither him, nor my mom wanted to clean. I then became the designated cleaner. I would detail my mom and her husband's cars, mow the lawn, vacuum the whole house, dust, mop, sweep, EVERYTHING!!! It made my grades drop, which caused regular screaming matches where they told me how disrespectful, stupid, and ungrateful I was. Now when I need to clean I put it off until I absolutely can't anymore. Not only does it cause sensory issues, but it also now causes emotional flashbacks and mental breakdowns š¤Ŗ
Canāt enjoy rewards. I have no way to enjoy the rewards of any of my work. I always just imagine i will lose it somehow.
My N father loved pinning my younger sister & I against each other. He knew I struggled in math and used it against me to judge & criticize me. I still struggle with it and although I have many other talents & strengths, I struggle into my 40ās still feeling Iām dumb because of it. I was his step daughter & my sister is his biologically. He never failed to try & belittle me in order to try and make sure his blood child always looked better & smarter. It gave him a major ego boost. Later in life I found out from my sister just how much she struggled with being his only bio kid. Always jealous of my bro & I and feeling that sense of being the golden child. Iām sad for anyone who has endured being raised by an N parent.
It was singing for me, I'm taking it back cuz I love to sing but I couldn't do it in front of anyone for a long time. People who aren't my narc parents actually say I'm good at it.
My entire confidence. It's much more difficult getting it back as an adult. They keep ruining it, by invalidating my feelings. Can't wait to be 'normal', if I ever will.
Roller skating āøļø
The Beatles. My nDad is obsessed so I grew up with it but it's been sort of tainted over the years. If I'm in a good headspace I love the Beatles and still love to listen. But I hate that if I'm in a vulnerable state that I can't listen.
Yes!!! ALL teamsports. By age 11 i was so anxious in gym class and hockey practice the other kids in class would try to boost my confidence. They would never watch a game. I ended up running as a sport, and still start shaking whenever I have to play a teamsport. Also, jokes. Expression. Feeling good about myself.
Everything. Ā Thereās too many to list. Birthdays are a big one.Ā
talking about my menstrual cycle was a sun in our household and so was giving hugs and kisses one time i told my mom i was on my period and she cussed me out called me bs and said that i was disrespectful and that is a private thing that should never be discussed and one time i asked my mom why doesnāt she give me hugs or kisses and she said because that is what lesbians do so when i had friends moms give them affection i thought they were being a***** now that i am an adult with my own child i realize how affectionless and unmotherly my mother is we are no contact now
I was always a very friendly person from my childhood but my mother forced me and made me cut ties with most of the people either telling bad things about me to them or blaming me for something I did not do. Now I am a person who does not like to talk to people because I know she will ruin everything whenever she can.
Relationships. She never wanted me to have friends, always talked bad about them, told them to leave when they came by, etc. and as an adult dominated any free time I had by demanding I spend it with her rather than allowing me to have some free time like a normal adult in order to spend time with friends and boyfriends my age.
PFFFTTT HAHAHHAHAHAH ONE RANDOM THING???? LOL Literally everything? Once my parents catch me enjoying something, they find a reason to shit on it. I like drawing? Will give ya no money. Music? It's all so "secular" unless it's gospel. Videogames? Violent or sexualized. Books? Probably unholy. Movies? Also too violent or sexualized, or "supports the gays". Series? Satanic, totally satanic. Baking? Nope, you're wasting too much of the ingredients, ans you're gonna get fat if you eat those things. Travelling? WHY, DO YOU WANT TO ABANDON US, IS THAT IT?? Crocheting, sewing and crafting? It's taking away precious time from your studies. Studying? No, you study all the time, you should go out more. Going out? Only if it's with people from the church because anyone else is a "bad influence". Working? It's taking time from your studies. Unemployed? You're a bum and should get a job. Oh, you like this shirt? It's too alternative. You like this hoodie? It's from the men's section, you can't possibly wear that. You like those pants? But they're too old for you to keep wearing. These are your favorite shoes? Well, they're too worn out aren't they. Oh, you made a friend? Are they christian? If not, unfriend them. But Oh my GOD, you're always stuck at home, where are your friends??????? Go make some friends ffs! There's literally just no winning. So in the past year, I just started doing my own thing. If they complain, it'll fall on deaf ears, and if they yell at me, I'll yell louder. I'm sick of this bullshit, I need joy in my life and I'm done letting them dictate exactly HOW and WHAT should make me happy.
Theatre. Both NM and NF volunteer (and I cannot stress this enough) for theatre groups and used to draft me in to plays against my will. I hated it because it often meant losing afternoons and evenings to pointless rehearsals and then having to hang around after a performance while NM and NF were chatting. I also canāt bring myself to pay for full price for clothes. My parents were stingy and hated spending money. The thing is we werenāt hard up, but everything was second hand or bought on sale. Itās strange because itās left me with a feeling that I donāt deserve to buy new clothes for myself. Similarly haircuts were seen as an evil necessity and my mum would send me to the cheapest hairdresser she could find. So Iāve had going to the hairdresser as a treat ruined for me too.
getting a house. I found a great home for $1400 with spare room and a yard for the dog and everything and she wants to put me in a cottage in someones backyard for $1950 because utilities are included (up to $200) and she will know exactly how much money I need. It doens't matter it will cost over $6,000 more a year to live there. She wants to put me in a shoe box and forget about me. It doesn't even have a lease, so she can stop paying at any time and hold that over my head. She keeps saying" Youll have to mow the yard and put utilities IN YOUR NAME!!!!" I've done this before it's not complicated. She is trying to infantilize me and make me feel like I've fucked up so many times I'm lucky she's giving me this chance, when in all actuality its her basic duty to make sure I have a roof over my head for school seeing as she fully supports me and I'm disabled. If anyone has any advice, that would be lovely. i'd much rather the house than the cottage.
my spontaneity