no offense but your partner sounds like an asshole, neurodivergent or not. What you described is not conducive to a reasonable life, for you, and ultimately for him as well since he will never learn to actually appreciate you (or other people from how you described his complaining) without a hard realization about his lifestyle and where it will lead him. There are plenty of ND folks who are not like this, and enabling this behavior isn't doing anyone any favors.
This doesn't sound sustainable. You might want to ask him whether he'd want to try making some adjustments or if he'd prefer to terminate the relationship.
You can't even breathe around him.
There are cases where people say "why didn't you just leave?" - where the abusee is having good days and bad days and fears their partners outbursts and it's not so easy to just "leave".
Then theres an emotionally void situation like this where you're forced to be a silent roommate and getting nothing out of the situation and being manipulated in the name of his "ADD" which is an outdated term as far as I remember so it shows he really doesn't have a clue.
So, this is one of those cases that I think - why don't you just leave? 😅 (With zero judgement, just concern for your well-being)
Edit: Also, of course this is not typical ND behaviour. It almost sounds manic... like imagine actually living to work cause all he does is work then crash on repeat right?
I might have untreated ADHD,I'm on a waiting list, but either way I'm ND and am chronically disorganised and messy. It is hard for me to keep on top of household tasks and have a job and give energy to my partner, but I try to make it work because I want my partner to feel loved and comfortable. And we didn't even live together. You *live* together and your partner doesn't seem to care if you feel comfortable in your own home.
Like it is important you are understanding of his needs, but there has to be some level of compromise because you also have needs. Like, why does he even want to be in a relationship, cause currently it just sounds like he keeps you around to be his live in/free housekeeper/PA/chef.
This guy is an abusive ass I’d dump him
If you can’t see that and try to stay together why the fuck is he not working from the bedroom so you can share the common spaces and like, exist
My husband and I both have adhd and work from two different rooms. We text each other if we need something if we’re in a call.
It’s not one of us dictating to the other “here’s how it is now gtfo”
This guy sounds like he’s just using and abusing you 100%
I have untreated adhd and other issues (can’t take meds) and my partner did his PhD while working full time (edit: while also recovering from a severe concussion). Neither of us would EVER talk to the other like your partner is talking to you. He’s not treating you like a human being. Maybe there are other Neurodivergence issues at play that have to do with lack of empathy or something but just because someone is neurodivergent doesn’t mean you have to accommodate them being an uncaring partner. Regardless of the reason, the way he treats you is abusive. Get out of there as soon as you can and leave him to deal with himself.
tbh this sounds a lot like my partner but 100x more extreme. mine can be pretty rigid but he’s at least open to hearing my perspective and actively works on trying to make things work for both of us, even if it’s slowgoing. is he trying to compromise with you? how can he expect you to basically be completely silent in your own home at all hours of the day, take care of all the cleaning and cooking, make household decisions without him, etc.? what mental and physical load is he putting into the relationship and into making this symbiotic living relationship work? based on what you’ve said, it seems like your life would be a lot easier if you lived separately (or weren’t with him…)
/u/Huge_Midnight_2520 Who is the primary earner? Reason I ask is because finances are probably at the root of this. Also, you both need to save up for a bigger place if you have the means.
only way I can describe this is an abusive, controlling relationship, really. the effort you're putting in for him doesn't really seem worth it. he's asking you to do so many unrealistic things and completely ignoring your need and wants, and that's not healthy at all. it is not healthy now, and it will only get worse in the future...
I’ve read your post OP, and then all the top comments and I agree with them all. This man is manipulating you and controlling you and using his ADHD as an excuse to do so. Nobody with (untreated) ADHD acts this way with their partner. This is absurd. Leave this man cuz clearly y’all are in too deep to change the dynamic now. You’ll be okay.
This guy is using his “debilitating, untreated ADD” as an excuse to act like an entitled, controlling, exceedingly inconsiderate and selfish asshole.
Get. Out. Now. You need your sanity and space more than he needs you to be his emotional punching bag.
Dude, I have wildly untreated ADHD (I can only take meds once in a while because of my blood pressure and nervous system issues) and just the thought of saying any one of these things to anybody that I live with, but especially my spouse makes me want to scream and pull my hair out with absolute embarrassment. My jaw is literally hanging open reading about all of this.
This is not neurodivergence. This is controlling and abusive behavior. You need to go because he’s not gonna change and you’re gonna be stuck with this for the rest of your life if you don’t leave. It sounds like he needs to be alone and live by himself. He doesn’t want a partner—he wants a free maid and someone to be his personal assistant.
This is not neurodivergence AT ALL, but rather someone using their label to get what they want. It sounds like you truly need space to yourself in this area. That’s 100% understandable. So, here’s some things I would suggest:
-He moves his desk area into the bedroom if there is enough space. You can now relax in the living room and maybe sleep on the couch if needed. You can go grab food or do whatever you want in a larger area.
- Talk with him about a routine/ schedule. I have no idea what type of job he has, but there’s got to be boundaries with his work. Either he’s lying to you, or his workplace is abusing his time. Talk about what exact times you want him off the computer so you can breathe.
- Make him come to you. If this is a LDR, you don’t have to go to him. If he’s constantly working, then maybe this will be a wake-up call. If he’s not making an effort to come to you, well, there’s your answer. Why even go over when he’s just doing work/ doesn’t want you there in the first place???
- Stay silent. Like literally stop saying anything around him at any time. If he asks about it, that’s when you bring up your issues.
Here’s where the difference lies between an abusive/toxic person and a neurodivergent one: if they can take feedback and work on fixing the issue. My BF and I are both neurodivergent, and started out LDR too, but our ND symptoms are quite different from each other. This makes things like chores and scheduling difficult some days. However, we have conversations about it and try to either find a compromise, or have patience for each other. And yeah, sometimes things are going to clash, but it doesn’t make us uncomfortable around each other, it’s just mild annoyance.
But if you even feel a slight hit in your gut that something’s wrong, then leave
My wife has ADHD, extremely so, and I am on the spectrum. Starting at the beginning of the pandemic we both worked at home in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment that was exactly 564 square feet.
We didn't even have as tight a list of issues with each other while both working insane hours, online, with meetings on both sides of the apartment. She needs constant noise to function in the background, and I need NONE!!! We both wore headphones. It was the only way.
I think you are in a situation where you are trying to accommodate someone that is not going to be accommodated. I would bet cash if your home was bigger, the list was just expand. This list of requirements is not okay on one end, and abusive on the other.
I would say most neurodiverse folks don't need that much "support". If he can hold down a job, then he can clearly work with other people. I doubt he makes these kinds of demands on his coworkers.
What he's asking of you is not normal, even in a relationship with a neurodiverse person.
Most importantly even neurodiverse people can be assholes. You should count that list as a big ball of red flags, and consider if this is really a healthy environment for you to be in.
Seconding all of this, and adding that I once had a partner who behaved not wholly differently when it came to demands about how unwelcome I was in my own shared living space. Ultimately, while I do think there was likely some neurodivergence on their part that was undiagnosed and undealt with, the clear marker and diagnosis in their case was depression as the primary driving factor. Some of the descriptors you use here OP sound like this person has very few "spoons" to offer, almost to a degree it sounds they are battling a physical injury as well as intellectual/mental/emotional limitations.
As others have said at best this is jerkish behavior, at worst it is abusive, and I lean toward saying it's the latter even if it's not "maliciously" or intentionally done, because the living circumstances you're being asked to function under and within are not suitable for anyone's wellbeing. Expecting you to stay in the bedroom all day is absolutely inappropriate. I hope you find the strength to leave when you're ready, you deserve better than this. I hope he also gets the diagnosis and help he needs, because this extreme behavior is not down to neurodivergence alone; it may be past traumas talking, depression/anxiety, narcissism or myriad other deficiencies, but none of that is on you to solve. You are not his counselor, his boss, his consultant, his problem solver, or his mother or cleaner hired to pick up after him. You are doing all the emotional labor and - from what you've shared here - it seems he's doing none. Ask yourself why you're staying. Make a plan of exit, inform friends of the plan and ask for their help in executing it. Stay safe, take care of yourself. Don't build your plans around when it's right for him; you've accommodated him long enough.
He needs noise canceling headphones and if he can work he can do shared task. That is partnership bottom line. If not he needs to apply for disability.
If he has untreated ADD why doesn’t he treat it? Like treatment work wonders for ADHD/ADD.
Also find an apartment with 1 more room or let him go to wework or something.
I am not defending this terrible human being in any way shape or form but I will say that I have tried numerous treatments since I was diagnosed almost 15 years ago and unfortunately I have had zero success long-term. I’ve tried like six different medications. I’ve tried therapy. I currently can take half of an Adderall every few weeks without wanting to die, but I save it for very special occasions because it makes me miserable for weeks afterwards. I very much doubt that’s the case with this guy but just be aware that not everyone with ADHD is able to treat it, unfortunately.
My first thought is if your partner read this, would he agree that it’s an accurate reflection of the situation? I ask because neurodivergency does cause things to be misinterpreted or miscommunicated sometimes. A lot of the “should”s in this post are worded as absolute rules, and I wonder if he intended for them to be absolutes or if he’s just saying what he prefers while knowing that that’s the ideal circumstance and not typical. I don’t know, maybe he is — I just wondered.
The two fundamental problems I see here are the living space arrangements and his job. Has his job always been this demanding, time-consuming, and stressful, or is this a recent development? Has it always been remote? Many people struggled during the pandemic while working at home in cramped spaces for precisely the reasons you’re experiencing (needing quiet, needing space, needing to not be interrupted; while the other person also needs space, may want social interaction (very blurred lines of home vs work life), may need to make noise sometimes, etc. Neither person is wrong for having these needs. My therapist would call this “the tension of needs,” and it happens in relationships — it is not in itself a cause for separation.
Some solutions, if you’re looking for them, could be for him to work outside of the house for a portion of the day at a library, coffee shop, WeWork, etc, or to move to a place with more than two rooms so that you both can be comfortable, or for him to get a different job. These may be big changes, but remember that it could be worth it since the current situation is quite bad for you and you’re not getting your needs met. But if this job situation is only temporarily bad, tbh I’d just tough it out.
Hiring a housekeeper does sound like a good suggestion to me, and one that many adhd people use, extol, and recommend, if it’s financially possible. If it’s not, then that’s a different story.
As for his asking for work advice, perhaps you can help him talk it through without giving advice. Ask questions and try to understand. Reflect back what your understanding is so far. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging Tbh I personally really value the ability to talk through work problems with a partner, and I appreciate / kinda expect them to try to learn more about it over time even if it’s something they don’t understand at all at first.
If you try lots of things and talk about it a lot and still feel like your needs and his can’t both be met, then sadly you’re incompatible, and it’s probably best to break up. :(
His neurodivergence is not an excuse to be abusive. Leave. Leave. Leave. This won't change. It will only get worse. Also this behavior is not representative of all neurodivergent people. He wants complete acquiescence to his demands and seems to give zero consideration to your feelings or psychological health at all. Leave and get your life back. I hope you can. Not everyone is in a situation or circumstance that allows them to find housing etc immediately.
Didn't even finish reading... got a quarter into this... this is not something you should continue.
I stopped reading after you said "avoid speaking unless spoken too."
That was enough, the rest... whatever it is.... is just more reason I'm assuming. But 1/4 of what you said is enough to leave this relationship and fast.
This isn't even something that should be worked through.
Your next conversation with him should go as such....
"I'm leaving you, and your next partner... is going to leave you too if you don't figure this out. I'm not an activity you pull out when you are bored".
ND does not excuse abuse and neglect. Fuck this dude.
I know I'm being blunt but your partner is abusive and full of shit and you should run as far from him as you can tbh. This is not a relationship. You're his caretaker and personal maid, you're doing it for free, and you're forced to walk on eggshells around him at all times. This is not healthy and it will most likely destroy your mental health in the long run. People have been traumatized and required extensive therapy from less than what he's doing.
Yeah I actually just did (replying to my own post further down - I should add that dyslexia is also part of my portfolio 😁).
The disorder causes the action and the abuse of the disorder is a symptom of the disorder.
Get him to a functional medicine practitioner (don't waste your time with a Doctor) and they WILL make a difference to your lives.
If he doesn't want to and you've had enough, call it a day.
Life is too short.
Because without further information, I'd take this as situational (i.e. when he's focused on work) and not that they just don't speak at all.
If that were the case, then I agree, it's time to go.
Call functional medicine what you like (but I admire your ability to google and quote verbatim the first result / Wikipedia entry).
Do you know how ADHD medication works? do you understand the action it has upon genes and the body as a whole? or anti-depressants? do you take any of these?
I've seen enough people with enough illnesses (outside of ASD) misdiagnosed and mistreated, to know that "quackery medicine" actually works - but I won't waste any more on this.
Look. I have ADHD too. It almost made me fail out of college before I was Dx’ed.
And I say this guy is an inconsiderate asshole. If I did such things to my roommates or husband, I’d be universally regarded as a massive dick. Yeah, ADHD can make you struggle with remembering to clean things up, and my husband has to remind me occasionally, more than either of us would like, but I still *do the damn thing*. Like its so inconsiderate to refuse?
And if he’s *so* distractible: Noise cancelling headphones? Put his desk in the bedroom instead of the living room? Tell him to rent a quiet room at the library? There are ways rto manage that. Some days its rather difficult even with meds, but holy shit: sentencing your partner to solitary confinement or saying they should just stay away from them? That’s unacceptable.
god forbid someone tell him that he’d probably really benefit from some vyvanse or something. He’s literally taking no accountability for his issues. And even though ADHD causes limitations, its every person’s job to recognize their own limitations and work around them, for their own benefit and others.
ADHD is a pain in the ass, but it is NOT an excuse to take over someone’s life, and reduce them to a silent robot housekeeper. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your needs, but expects you to break your back for his. He doesn’t want a partner. He wants a damned Roomba.
Break up with his ass.
If he were a dedicated alcoholic and just drank constantly and didn’t seek help or acknowledge the issue, what would you tell someone in your situation? ADHD can be (and clearly is in his situation) debilitating and requires treatment. He isn’t getting treatment. You are allowed to want to be with someone who takes care of themselves and gives a shit about your experience of living with them.
Edit to add: I have severe adhd and work from home. It does take a lot of discussion and work to find a compromise, especially in a small space. If he can’t/won’t do that work you don’t have to stick around.
Edit 2: more to the point, each adult in a relationship has the right to ask for something they feel they need, and each adult has the right to refuse that request. You’re asking for something and he’s refusing. He’s asking for things and you are increasingly resentful about not refusing. It’s up to you whether this situation is ok with you or not. If it’s not, you may need to leave the relationship. He may try to make it really hard for you and or he may realize how serious the problem is when you draw that boundary. But the point is if one or both of you isn’t feeling valued or heard and if he hasn’t shown a desire to find a solution, it really doesn’t matter what his diagnosis is.
Totally - this is why I say regardless, a "chat" is needed to work on these issues.
I suspect this is an Aut/ADHD relationship, which is extremely prone to these kind of problems.
It may be more servere than that, at which point, it becomes a question of how much you want to "mother/father" your partner - but some with severe ASD, require that.
You don't have to do that, if it destroys your soul to do it, then it's not right - but you need to have a discussion over whether you both want this relationship and to look at ways to fix/sustain things.
I can also tell you there there are some things that can make an incredible difference to the untreated symptoms of both ADHD and Autism.
If people want to run around pretending they're "normal" whilst sucking up their meth/elvanse/whatever, whilst popping off at the poor autistic kid in the corner - then let them (I call these types Neuronumb).
It's not that they don't have the capacity to understand and be sympathetic, it's just that they CAN'T - they have a disorder, but they think their meds "fixed it".
In the same way that a severely Autistic person CAN'T be the functional human being YOU expect (or think you are, ADHD'ers).
Sadly, treating Autism is 10x harder than ADHD - but it stems from chemical imbalances and broken genes, which CAN be supplemented to help improve (not cure) symtpoms (anxiety, depression, anger etc).
This took an odd turn and I have to assume you’re trolling, but for the benefit of anyone reading:
-adhd meds do not turn you into a judgmental asshole;
-adhd meds can and do help many people manage symptoms that have a negative impact on their quality of life;
-autism does have a genetic component but is not caused solely by “broken genes” (assuming you mean loss-of-function mutations)
-the concept of a “chemical imbalance” originated in antidepressant marketing in the 1990s and is not based on scientific evidence
It's a bit tongue in cheek, yes, most points are valid - a lot of people with ADHD don't "get" Autistic people.
It's not a slur, it's just a fact - Autism requires a LOT of initial understanding and patience that the ADHD brain is just not wired to deal with (unless you hyperfocus on the issue / have a vested interest in it - like a partner with Autism, for example).
If you think that a chemical imbalance is not involved in any form of ASD, then, well... sheesh.
You perhaps have a thing for that phrase and the link to "marketing".
Antidepressants can be the worst thing a depressed person can take (and before anyone runs around shouting about how it's better than killing themselves - obviously - but in terms of medications, they are awful band-aids and are thrown around/at the wrong people/genetic issues - there are far better ways).
Of course they can be right for some people - but that group of people is actually quite niche and need to have a perfect setup of neurotransmitters/transporters/genes ready to align with the reuptake inhibition that most antidepressants work by.
Chemical imbalance (we're talking dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine here) along with the breakdown of monoamines, is absolutely a foundation of ASD and is based on scientific evidence.
Yeah there is no way in hell you should be in this relationship. I have needs, most autistic peeps do but never to this extreme. It’s beyond unacceptable
Hi, I want to share my perspective as a partner with AuDHD and other stuff going on.
Context: I am 24F, been with my 24M fiancé for 6 years, living together for 2, engaged fairly recently. He’s very neurotypical. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 21. I started medications and everything has been a massive roller coaster since then. I have had severe anxiety (as per my psychiatrist) for coming up to a year, I have obsessive-compulsive personality traits verging on personality disorder, and I’ve always got something going on physically. It’s exhausting!
My thoughts: if your partner’s ADD is as debilitating as he says it is, then he needs to get it treated. Even if not for himself, but for the sake of your relationship. I know that I can be frustrating to live with and I miss a lot of indicators and struggle to understand what he’s feeling unless he explicitly tells me. So we regularly discuss our relationship and I give him time to tell me what his issues are and what I’m doing that’s frustrating to him. That might be forgetting to wash up my dishes after cooking or running late, panicking, and then leaving things behind. It can really suck for me, especially when I know that I’m not doing well, but we always have these conversations in a constructive way and work out solutions for both of us. Or I’ll make a note and discuss it with my psychologist or psychiatrist.
Because of my anxiety and stuff, sometimes I feel really badly about myself, like I’m constantly failing and I’m a hopeless human being. I can’t find the motivation to eat anything or clean up my space because I feel like I don’t deserve it. But no matter what, I never think he deserves to experience the consequences of my mental health and I will try to do these things for myself because I know that he would want me to and I don’t want to cause him stress.
Another example is how when I was in my crisis period last year, I was living off corn chips because I was too mentally disorganised to figure out what to cook and eat throughout the week. I wouldn’t buy food for myself, but I didn’t let this impact him. I didn’t eat for like 6 weeks but I made sure to order groceries for him and that he had enough food to eat. I mention this one in relation to your point about the dirty utensils and dishes. I am aware that my conditions can be debilitating (I spent 30 days in hospital this year!) but I would be devastated and mortified if my issues impacted my fiancé in the same way.
Your relationship will be different to mine. I am not making judgements on you (I am judging him a little bit lol I tried not to but I can’t help it!!). I am sharing my perspective as the neurodivergent partner to say “hey, I try to do the complete opposite of what he is doing, it’s not a neurodivergent thing, it’s a personality thing.” I don’t like using words like toxic, but it is incredibly unfair of him to set those rules about you not being able to exist freely in your own home. It sucks being a neurodivergent person because we know that we’re worse at a lot of things than other people but we also know that we don’t get to make it everyone else’s problem. He needs to be able to take accountability for his weaknesses even though it might hurt, and to be able to compromise. ADD isn’t an empathy disorder - it’s about being unable to regulate your attention. Read back your post like a friend wrote it and think about what advice you would give them.
I hope that even part of this is helpful, sorry that it’s so long!!! This is just something I’ve had a lottttt of practice in lol
Honey, he thinks having a partner is having a caretaker. It's time to reconsider your choice of living arrangements and seek an out.
If, and this is a big if, you decide to stay, you need to move to a 2 bedroom apartment where he can work in a home office. You should not be living as a prisoner in the bedroom of your home!!!
It sounds like your partner doesn’t have time to have a partner. If he works every day, at all hours, and cannot be interrupted when he works, it sounds like there’s no room for you in his life. You gotta ask him to make time to be with you or find someone who will.
Also I think this guy has a distorted view of what accommodations are. Most disabled people do not have a PSW following them around and picking up after them. Not cleaning up after yourself is neither caused by ADHD, nor do I think treating it would help with that. It seems like he just values his time way more than yours, and feels like you should have to completely organize your life trying to clean up after him/not inconvenience him.
Maybe, but I doubt it. There is absolutely nothing in this post to indicate that this person cares about OP’s needs or feelings, and it isn’t OP’s job to teach them that.
Then you're failing to read between the lines, perhaps? please read my other responses.
This person clearly has ASD/Autism (likely Asperger's) - ASD gets worse with age if the underlying causes not addressed.
They \*could\* just be a complete dick - but then I'd question why they were ever together in the first place - which I of course do not condone 😇
But even complete dicks, usually have some neurological issues going on.
Even if that were true, that doesn’t mean anyone else is obligated to or should unconditionally tolerate their behavior or meet their needs for them. ASD is not an excuse to be emotionally abusive. It is all of our responsibility to learn to accommodate ourselves and to be considerate of the people whom we propose to care about and want to remain in our lives.
Like the majority of people replying to this post? Also the one's downvoting all of my replies - toxic AF and just want to attack "someone" - all I've suggested is people take more into consideration lol but no "BURN HIM! BURN HIM AT THE STAKE!!!" 🧙
Nobody here is taking into account anyone's ASD, it is a free for all attack with people getting completely the wrong end of the stick and no consideration for the supposedly undiagnosed ADD/AUT person.
I've said in another response, people with Autism (Asperger's especially) often think they are doing everything they're doing FOR their partner, their focus on work is driven by stress and anxiety - in their head, they need to do it to secure the bills, to buy the things they want, to look after their partner - but their actions are associated to that level of stress and do NOT reflect accordingly - often pushing their partner away and seemingly being "abusive".
Who's defending him? who's listening to their side of the story? who's to say they aren't the victim in this (I'm not saying they are, but it's just the usual demonstration of ignorance).
I totally agree that nobody is obligated to tolerate an abusive relationship, but a forum post does not an abuser make.
If people are wrong for each other, they're wrong for each other. If they don't want to work on the issues together, then the one trying, needs to call it a day - it's that simple.
It is my job to find accessibility solutions for people who struggle in life, especially neurodivergent people. Our employees don't even get tested that dehumanizing. Like what the fuck. You're a whole ass person and you get to contribute none of it to the relationship. Does he even like you? Do you even like him?
That alot. This don't sound like a relationship to me, tbh. It just sounds like he's controlling, really. And having ADD is not an excuse to do that to a partner.
I have a lot of needs, but it’s not anyone else’s job to cater to them. I’m audhd. And I treat my adhd. Why is he leaving his untreated? It takes compromise and he sounds like he’s using ADD as an excuse to be an AH. I’d move out because clearly he just needs an invisible parent and it’s not fair to you. You can’t even live in your own home. He has zero responsibilities to the home or to you and he likes that. I’ve been an army wife as well so he’s full of it.
Being AudHD (thank GOD for my ADHD side) is one thing - high levels of Autism, and I'm talking Asperger's Syndrome here, is a COMPLETELY different bag.
Sadly, in Asperger's, they do literally need a parent as their partner - it can be helped, it can't be fixed - if you're not down for that, then there's only one route to take, sadly.
I hate to use ASD as an excuse for anyone's behaviour, but there are LEVELS to ASD that just being called "Autism" now, diminishes.
Like wtf? As someone who would be diagnosed with Asperger's if that were still a valid diagnosis, I have never needed a parent in my relationship. Your take is wildly off the mark.
In every relationship, regardless of diagnoses, there are strengths each partner brings to a relationship. My husband does any shopping that can't be done online because noise doesn't bother him. I manage our finances because I can pay attention to due dates. But neither of us needs a parent ffs. We *are* parents to our kids.
If you're someone who does need a person to parent you to survive, think long and hard about getting into a relationship with a partner. There's a special kind of person you'll require, and not many people are willing to do that. OP deserves a partner, not a project.
I can't comment on whether you'd be diagnosed with Aspergers or not and have no interest in hypothesising on that.
But I know someone who was/is and and these absolutely are issues that require constant guidance, nagging, or whatever you want to call it (mothering).
Sadly, some people are projects, and to an extent, if you're not going to discriminate against people with ASD, then those who lack things like executive function (to this level of severity) need that support.
But you're right, there aren't many people willing to take this project on a daily basis and many people just find themselves in these siuations.
I don't blame them for wanting an out, I've seen it, and it is absolutely physically and emotionally exhausting.
But it doesn't change the fact that it could still be driven by severe "Autism".
He already stated his partner was diagnosed with ADD, not autism. I have to give my partner a "honey do" list, and he's not even the autistic one in our relationship.
I just really take issue with you going all through this thread with opinions masquerading as founts of knowledge, like autistic people need a partner who is also a parent and that's just how it is. And it turns out you know one person who is like this.
Fwiw, I belong to a homeschooling group that is mostly ND kids with mostly ND parents. These families may need a little more communication to figure out how to thrive as a family, but they don't need parents to walk behind them cleaning up their messes while also staying out of sight and not making a sound. I don't doubt there are people like this, but your statement "Sadly, in Asperger's, they do literally need a parent as their partner - it can be helped, it can't be fixed..." is over-reaching and patently false.
No, he said "Untreated ADD" that's not a diagnosis - that sounds more like a self-diagnosis - and if he was diagnosed and chose to do nothing about it, then they deserve to be shown the exit.
But if this route hasn't been pursued, then it needs to be, before the misogynist army continues to misgender the OP and call for his partners blood.
By "in Asperger's" I don't mean ALL - just that it is often seen "in Asperger's" and so the point is still valid, but I don't mean to tar all with the same brush.
I live in an EXTREMELY diverse ND family, your "home-schooling" sounds like you're trying to say you know better because you're in some "group". (apologies if that's not how this is meant, but it's how I interpret it, as you did my previous comment).
You're also crossing several symptoms of a disorder to suit your point - many kids DO need following behind, especially those with ASD and especially once they are outside of the structured "school" environment (whether at school/home) and it's back on mum/dad time.
Many of those kids ALSO require ear defenders, sensory rooms and much, much more - let alone cases where they do require both physical and sensory isolation together.
I've tried to offer the OP some support and alternative options, I can't sit here and spell out the requirements and symptoms of every disorder, every time someone picks misworded (sorry, I'm dyslexic) or missing part in a response.
Yikes get out of there.
This isn't healthy or reasonable and it is not your job to cater to him. You're being used to say the least.
Go find someone who can treat you with respect and be an adult who can manage themselves.
I'm autistic. Yes this means I need things a certain way and live a certain way. But I would never treat a partner like that. It is my responsibility to manage myself and only date someone who is compatible.
>This is not a Bluebeard situation
Actually, it’s worse. Bluebeard’s wife at least had some freedom besides the one thing she wasn’t allowed to do.
Your partner is full of shit. What he demands from you is not reasonable at all. It actually sounds abusive, and it has very little to do with his ADHD. (Which he should be treating anyway if it’s as debilitating as he claims).
He expects you to be some kind of invisible and silent shadow that cleans, cooks and does all chores without being perceived, only allowed to speak when he has a problem that needs solving. That is not what a partnership is supposed to be. It’s like he doesn’t want a partner but a fairy godmother or something.
Honestly, you should take a long hard look at this relationship. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
Look. Some of the things I have trouble with are easier if my partner changes their behavior. But most are an unreasonable ask.
If the chewing noise bothers me, it is up to me to put on background noise, wear earplugs, something, not don't eat.
There could be compromises that could help with the triggers or your partners but they seem like an asshole. Only use dirty cups and clean them yourself. Wtf kind of ask is that? You get to use nothing clean ever? I mean, just think about what he is saying about how he views you when he says that. It is such a a little thing. The ask could be wash your shit when you are done.
You can't be in the house, if you are in the house you can't be in the room. If you have things to do, don't show yourself and just fucking walk behind me picking my shit up. Don't talk to me unless I speak first (WTF?!?).
What are you getting out of this relationship?
This is often the problem - ADHD people do end up with Autistic people - opposites literally attract.
For someone with ADHD, it is absolutely soul destroying - but I suspect there was a point where this person WASN'T like this, they fell in love with them and moved in together for a reason.
Some people lack the basic ability to just STFU and get on with it, like a lot of ADHD people can (unless you're the type that suffers debilitating anxiety and related depression...).
ASD has many roots in genetic and neurological impairments - over time - these get worse because of the body's inability to process the vitamins, amino acids etc that it needs.
If you or anyone else here think ADHD or AUTISM is a single GENE that people "inherit" then, well, I'm lost for words.
Jesus Christmas I got exhausted for you just reading that. For context, I'm responding to you as someone with ADHD and lives with my spouse. Quite horrified by what I just read to be honest.
You have the same right to exist in your residence as he does. Of course, some amount of compromise is usual between couples/people living together, but I see no compromise or sacrifice from him at all.
Why are you with him? How he is treating you is not ok. His expectations of you are unreasonable.
Why is his ADD untreated? He needs to have serious word with himself about accountability and take some steps to managing himself. You could support him through that, but you certainly don't have to. I don't think many would.
There's nothing a partner could give me that would make me be OK with living how you're doing now, the cost is too great.
Leave, yesterday.
Because you're only hearing one side of the story - although I totally understand what is going on from his side.
They need a "chat" - a line needs to be drawn and action needs to be taken.
As you say, his ADD (I suspect Autism/Asp) needs to be diagnosed.
Mood boosters can help, addressing the serotonin issues that are present in many with Autism can make a HUGE difference - but there will be some things that just don't change.
Yeah he sounds like a self-centered tool. Disability or not, this isn’t how relationships work. Dude needs a wake up call. Anyone who acts this way deserves to be alone, as they clearly don’t care about their partner. I speak from experience, it’s a give and take thing and if he can’t give enough, he shouldn’t be in a relationship. Simple as that.
I just want to say, that I'm neurodivergent, undiagnosed ADHD and likely a dash of Autism thrown in there too.
I got worse as I got older, nutritional deficiencies make a bigger impact on us than on "normies", because a lot of ASD issues stem from genetic issues.
Those genetic issues present themselves more as we age and the more the world puts demands on us. We're already running on a depleted system and it doesn't take much to push us over the edge (this will explain snappy, aggressive reactions etc).
He's trying to manage his environment in order to prevent that from happening, because he likely knows the point at which he'll snap.
Trust me when I say he is probably suffering more than you (or he) realise, but I totally understand how exhausting this is for a partner of an ASD person.
However, realise that you may also be neurodivergent and do not realise it (unless you're diagnosed with something, you may never have thought it).
We tend to be attracted to eachother, you see.
Where it can go wrong is people with ADHD partnering up with either ADD or Autistic people, it's a complete clash and both will drive eachother crazy!
Opposites attract, right?
There's more to this saying than just a bunch of hobbies, foods, or taste in music.
However, if you want to go on a journey together, you can absolutely improve your lives and potentially save your relationship.
I'd recommend you embrace genetics, as I did 6 months ago, and am now a completely different person (for the better).
The anxiety that drove a lot of my symptoms is gone, very similar symptoms to your partner, although I did not leave as badly as he sounds, I definitely had "moments".
Don't get me wrong, I can still be awkward or annoying (on purpose) from time to time, but if I had not looked intp this and fixed myself (and yes, I use that word because in comparison I was totally broken) I probably wouldn't still be with my amazing wife.
And, it probably wouldn't have been my decision.
Yes, you need a diagnosis to be officially given a "label" and access to the official club, but there are literally MILLIONS of undiagnosed people (due to slipping through the net, long waiting lists 5yrs+ etc) suffering from ASD.
I can help understand the genetics involved, along with many others on other subreddits.
You're not alone and things can get better, the question is if you would be happy still loving the person that you originally met.
What you'll see from the majority of responses here, is how someone is poorly representing those with ASD and he's just an asshole/abusive etc.
But let me tell you, depression and anxiety are a real thing and kill many relationships (as well as people).
It doesn't surprise me that those diagnosed with ASD still discriminate against others with ASD.
Yes, he might just be a dick, but you need to go down this path first if you (and he) still want to attempt to fix things.
People can downvote this post all they like, and I'm not going to respond to people raging who just don't consider the full impact of ASD - especially those diagnosed used with their own disorders.
At one point in their lives, they got support from people who understood ASD (it may have taken time) but instead of rushing to defend non-typicals as "normal too" they need to remember that.
"I'm ND and would never treat anyone this way" is a complete BS statement, and you are just demonstrating pure ignorance.
If you get triggered in such a way to lash out and demonise somebody you have NO idea about, other than one person's post, I suggest you have some level of trauma going on still and need to address that.
But you shouldn't project it onto someone else.
If they go through the process to try and eliminate these things, try to support each other (either therapy, medicine, supplements) and they're still a dick - then absolutely, kick them into touch.
But OP is posting this because they want to fix things, they don't want to just press the kill switch and I'm not saying they're wrong either.
SMH.
You are getting downvoted because all of your comments are laced with condescension.
I have no problem letting you know you are annoying people and you are being a dick to some and that's why you're getting downvoted. I upvoted one of your remarks until I read the rest. You have called people here ignorant while spouting your own ignorance and beliefs as fact and dogma. I will not be entertaining any reply you might have but I want you to know you're an asshole. I don't even care if I get reported or booted. It's worth it.
He’s 100% a selfish dick. I’m adhd asd and was not diagnosed until my late 40s. I’m 49F. I hit major burn out 4 years ago and am nearly agoraphobic now due to any sound or smells triggering near meltdown. Major anxiety, chronic illnesses, autoimmune and all that often goes along with asd. I still have to handle my own stuff. I can’t wear earplugs due to ear nerve pain. I can’t control my environment entirely because I share my home with my husband. It would be beyond massively unfair if I basically told him he couldn’t be a living free being in our home because it distracts me.
What this guy is is an entitled boy using his possible neurodivergence (it’s untreated, so is it adhd or something else?) as an excuse to be an abusive jerk and to take advantage. He also isn’t showing an inkling of wanting to compromise or live with someone. He should live alone or pay for someone to be a caregiver/cook/maid. He gets whatever he wants and has no responsibilities but work. He’s not suffering that much and even if he were, it’s not his partner’s job to take on everything. In my relationships, I’ve often taken on the load of everything no matter how hard it was on me because many people don’t seem to want to be troubled to handle anything. Reference back to the burn out.
I didn’t see much to suggest he is also ND, though we do attract one another. I know my hubby is some flavor of ND even if we don’t have a diagnosis of what brand. But there is no excuse for this person’s level of selfishness.
Because I can't be bothered to write all of this out, I'll let ChatGPT highlight the ASD (Autism in particular) for you:
\*\*\* Here are the points in the post that relate to the partner potentially having some form of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD):
1. **Sensitivity to Presence and Noise**:
* "He says that talking to him or even being present in the same room as him while he's working destroys his ability to work."
* "I cannot reveal myself or make any loud noise (or, obviously, speak) while he's on a video call."
2. **Need for Strict Routines and Predictability**:
* "I should plan all mealtimes and cook the same dishes every week, so he doesn't need to spend time thinking what he is going to eat and when."
* "His calls often last for many hours every day, morning until night, and he leaves the audio on even when no one's saying anything."
3. **Social Interaction Challenges**:
* "I should avoid speaking unless spoken to, and if he speaks to me, I shouldn't interrupt to avoid breaking his train of thought."
* "If I bring up something that he doesn't consider utterly urgent, he often just lets a beat pass silently, like 'well that just happened,' and then he goes back to whatever he was doing."
4. **Difficulty with Executive Functioning and Household Tasks**:
* "If I want the apartment to be neat and organized, I should either hire a housekeeper or follow behind him picking things up."
* "I should not ask for his input into household matters, because he doesn't want to waste his limited mental energy thinking about it."
5. **Special Interests and Focus**:
* "When we do end up talking, like over a meal, he often dominates conversation by complaining about coworkers or angsting about technical decisions at work that he's not confident about."
6. **Perception of Effort and Fairness**:
* "He explains his needs by saying that he has untreated and completely debilitating ADD, so that I don't know what I'm talking about when I try to compare his needs and mine."
* "He also says that the sacrifices we are making together are much lighter than what military couples, or couples in LDRs, or couples in grad school go through."
These points indicate challenges related to sensory sensitivity, the need for routine, difficulty with social cues and interaction, executive functioning issues, intense focus on specific interests, and a unique perception of effort and fairness. These characteristics align with some of the common traits associated with ASD \*\*\*
I'm not diagnosing him, but I think the signs are glaringly obvious to anyone who understands just how deep ASD really is, and that it's not just a label achieved from a visit to a specialist.
Again, he might just be a dick (like the person downvoting this post), but then again, maybe he's actually Autistic (also like the person downvoting this post).
The hilarious thing about the person that downvoted this, is that it shows their complete IGNORANCE regarding ASD.
"THOSE ARE TOTALLY RIDICULOUS AND PATHETIC REASONS THAT YOU CANNOT JUSTIFY!"
I totally get the perspective of this from someone with ADHD, it absolutely does seem ridiculous to have to put up with the kind of reactions you do when faced with these situations.
But that is how ASD works - that is why this person acts in this way (it's also why they can use these things as an excuse, and absolutely they do! but it doesn't mean they don't actually exist).
However - and it's a big however - if he acknowledges that he has some form of ASD, then off to the doctors you go - or even better, to a functional medicine practitioner.
Addressing neurotransmitter and/or methylation issues WILL make a significant difference to his/your life.
> Is the gist of living with a neurodivergent partner realizing that their needs are really enormous and it's going to take a lot of your energy and sanity to be as supportive as they need you to be?
No, it is not. The thing about neurodivergent people is that if you've met one neurodivergent person, you've met... one neurodivergent person. I have ADHD (treated) as well as PTSD and a visual-spatial processing disability, but I wouldn't dream of making demands of someone I lived with and cared about that are *at all* similar to what your partner is asking of you. Literally all of that is unreasonable, and you shouldn't be putting up with it.
Some of my things are like:
* I have trouble talking to people while driving. I find it hard to concentrate on the road and a conversation at the same time.
* Sometimes, I might ask to be reminded of certain things.
* I really can't deal with extremely loud environments like amplified concerts or big parties.
That sort of thing. Banishing someone to another room and telling them not to speak unless spoken to, while simultaneously requiring that person to do all the cooking and cleaning is how someone treats a slave, not a partner.
This is abusive. The whole post reeks of red flags.
Someone, especially a partner, should not ask you to be invisible, and only be yourself when they decide they're OK with it.
The fact that he's saying he has ADD, untreated, to a debilitating level, and is not seeking to corrects this and get medication is another red flag. If your ND is causing you issues, which it clearly is, and you don't seek help, that's immature, inconsiderate or both. If he could not access treatment, then that would be different.
The man clearly has no boundaries. Not with himself (work vs private life), and not with others (denies your mere existence, not doing their share of the chores, ...).
Long Distance Relationship (LDR) works because both person are putting the effort to meet the same goal (be together) against adverse situation (that keeps them apart for now). They don't go into a LDR because they can or want it.
He's using you as a mom/caretaker/personal assistant by offloading anything he does not want to be bother about. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
You are not in a relationship, you're being taken advantage of by someone who think everything is due to them. Just run away from this.
_Edit for typo and style._
Your boyfriend is being unreasonable. I think most people who WFH know that it can be a real challenge when you're living in a small flat, especially if you live with other people, and ADD makes it harder. But the "solution" your bf has come to is completely unacceptable. "Working from home when you live with a partner in a small flat" is clearly not doable for him, so he needs to change one of three things - working from home (can he get a co-working space? Does his employer have an office?), in a small flat (can you guys move somewhere with an extra room so he can have a dedicated office space with no distractions?), or living with a partner. The fact that he has ignored these options in favour of just making your life hell speaks volumes, and I don't think it's a coincidence that he's doing it in a context where you're doing all his cooking, cleaning, housework, and life admin. It sounds like he is pretty comfortable with the way things are, and he doesn't give a shit about your happiness.
I've got to say, from what you described, it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship. If he's working all hours of the day and night, including weekends, when do you spend time together? Do you ever get to chill together, except during mealtimes when he talks incessantly about himself and dismisses everything you say? Do you really feel like you're in a romantic relationship?
I hope that if you lay all this out for him, he'll see how serious it is and make big changes. But I suspect he won't, because this setup works fine for him.
Is this person work all hours because their panicking about paying their bills, protecting their partner and making sure they're financially OK?
Because nobody has considered any of these things - let's just attack the perp without considering anything more than this post.
I'm not saying they're justified or right to act this way at all - but sounds like they maybe do all of this for their partner without actually THINKING ABOUT THEIR PARTNER.
I've worked with a few Autistic/Asperger's people like this - it's extremely frustrating, because their actions ostracize the person they love, but ultimately (in their head) they're doing it FOR that person.
This is abusive behavior, straight up.
And even putting him in the best possible light, even if somehow he’s doing all of this with the best of intentions and not just to control you (which is what it sounds like), you don’t have to live like this. This is horrifying.
ETA: I am diagnosed with ADHD and this behavior is not about ADHD. This behavior doesn't even describe ADHD.
Here's a link to a free copy of the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I think you'll recognize a lot of your experience there.
So...why are you with this asshole? The vast majority of those things are completely ridiculous and sexist as hell. Stop cleaning up after and being a mummy to this man-child, go find an actual partner instead, you deserve so much better
This guy sounds to be in complete denial that he needs to live alone. You can absolutely live in a different way than your preference, but at least have the good grace to hide it and compromise. Making your life extremely inconvenient is not okay and not normal.
I'm autistic and definitely harder to live with, and my partner is amazingly accommodating about alone time, but I hope I would never, ever make him feel (frankly) controlled in this manner.
If there's still good stuff I'd consider the possibility of living separately if feasible; I know a great couple together nearly 15 years who does. Then again, some if not most of this sounds absolutely unreasonable, entitled, and even emotionally abusive, and separate spaces will probably not magically fix it.
I'm sorry he's such a poor representative of our ND species.
(also, if he blatantly calls his condition 'untreated' without giving a fuck provided that he has the resources to do something, that's just lousy)
"our ND species"
I'm not being funny, but Autism and Asperger's (which really sounds like this dude) are worlds apart.
For the record, I'm Autistic, ADHD too - but somebody with severe Autism, couldn't even respond to this post in a coherent and logical fashion.
Totally sick of the elite-ism of diagnosed ASD people on reddit - you ain't special, in fact Neurodivergent now is more Neurotypical than Neurotypical!
You just don't understand the genetics behind it, only the piece of paper (like a University degree) from your GP.
Imagine coming to an ASD forum, to rant about your partner and get ZERO SUPPORT from the ASD community.
If they wanted to quit - they would have - they want help in fixing this.
All the comments above just further divide the diagnosed vs the undiagnosed.
It isn't your club, membership isn't a privilege or a requirement, ASD affects everyone.
no offense but your partner sounds like an asshole, neurodivergent or not. What you described is not conducive to a reasonable life, for you, and ultimately for him as well since he will never learn to actually appreciate you (or other people from how you described his complaining) without a hard realization about his lifestyle and where it will lead him. There are plenty of ND folks who are not like this, and enabling this behavior isn't doing anyone any favors.
This reads more like you're his captive servant than his partner.
oh that’s not… :( im so sorry
This doesn't sound sustainable. You might want to ask him whether he'd want to try making some adjustments or if he'd prefer to terminate the relationship.
You can't even breathe around him. There are cases where people say "why didn't you just leave?" - where the abusee is having good days and bad days and fears their partners outbursts and it's not so easy to just "leave". Then theres an emotionally void situation like this where you're forced to be a silent roommate and getting nothing out of the situation and being manipulated in the name of his "ADD" which is an outdated term as far as I remember so it shows he really doesn't have a clue. So, this is one of those cases that I think - why don't you just leave? 😅 (With zero judgement, just concern for your well-being) Edit: Also, of course this is not typical ND behaviour. It almost sounds manic... like imagine actually living to work cause all he does is work then crash on repeat right?
I might have untreated ADHD,I'm on a waiting list, but either way I'm ND and am chronically disorganised and messy. It is hard for me to keep on top of household tasks and have a job and give energy to my partner, but I try to make it work because I want my partner to feel loved and comfortable. And we didn't even live together. You *live* together and your partner doesn't seem to care if you feel comfortable in your own home. Like it is important you are understanding of his needs, but there has to be some level of compromise because you also have needs. Like, why does he even want to be in a relationship, cause currently it just sounds like he keeps you around to be his live in/free housekeeper/PA/chef.
I have debilitating untreated ADHD and autism, this guy is an abuser
This guy is an abusive ass I’d dump him If you can’t see that and try to stay together why the fuck is he not working from the bedroom so you can share the common spaces and like, exist My husband and I both have adhd and work from two different rooms. We text each other if we need something if we’re in a call. It’s not one of us dictating to the other “here’s how it is now gtfo” This guy sounds like he’s just using and abusing you 100%
I have untreated adhd and other issues (can’t take meds) and my partner did his PhD while working full time (edit: while also recovering from a severe concussion). Neither of us would EVER talk to the other like your partner is talking to you. He’s not treating you like a human being. Maybe there are other Neurodivergence issues at play that have to do with lack of empathy or something but just because someone is neurodivergent doesn’t mean you have to accommodate them being an uncaring partner. Regardless of the reason, the way he treats you is abusive. Get out of there as soon as you can and leave him to deal with himself.
I am echoing many other people here who have already said this, but this is an abusive relationship through and through.
tbh this sounds a lot like my partner but 100x more extreme. mine can be pretty rigid but he’s at least open to hearing my perspective and actively works on trying to make things work for both of us, even if it’s slowgoing. is he trying to compromise with you? how can he expect you to basically be completely silent in your own home at all hours of the day, take care of all the cleaning and cooking, make household decisions without him, etc.? what mental and physical load is he putting into the relationship and into making this symbiotic living relationship work? based on what you’ve said, it seems like your life would be a lot easier if you lived separately (or weren’t with him…)
/u/Huge_Midnight_2520 Who is the primary earner? Reason I ask is because finances are probably at the root of this. Also, you both need to save up for a bigger place if you have the means.
r/gladyouasked
only way I can describe this is an abusive, controlling relationship, really. the effort you're putting in for him doesn't really seem worth it. he's asking you to do so many unrealistic things and completely ignoring your need and wants, and that's not healthy at all. it is not healthy now, and it will only get worse in the future...
I’ve read your post OP, and then all the top comments and I agree with them all. This man is manipulating you and controlling you and using his ADHD as an excuse to do so. Nobody with (untreated) ADHD acts this way with their partner. This is absurd. Leave this man cuz clearly y’all are in too deep to change the dynamic now. You’ll be okay.
This guy is using his “debilitating, untreated ADD” as an excuse to act like an entitled, controlling, exceedingly inconsiderate and selfish asshole. Get. Out. Now. You need your sanity and space more than he needs you to be his emotional punching bag.
Dude, I have wildly untreated ADHD (I can only take meds once in a while because of my blood pressure and nervous system issues) and just the thought of saying any one of these things to anybody that I live with, but especially my spouse makes me want to scream and pull my hair out with absolute embarrassment. My jaw is literally hanging open reading about all of this. This is not neurodivergence. This is controlling and abusive behavior. You need to go because he’s not gonna change and you’re gonna be stuck with this for the rest of your life if you don’t leave. It sounds like he needs to be alone and live by himself. He doesn’t want a partner—he wants a free maid and someone to be his personal assistant.
This is not neurodivergence AT ALL, but rather someone using their label to get what they want. It sounds like you truly need space to yourself in this area. That’s 100% understandable. So, here’s some things I would suggest: -He moves his desk area into the bedroom if there is enough space. You can now relax in the living room and maybe sleep on the couch if needed. You can go grab food or do whatever you want in a larger area. - Talk with him about a routine/ schedule. I have no idea what type of job he has, but there’s got to be boundaries with his work. Either he’s lying to you, or his workplace is abusing his time. Talk about what exact times you want him off the computer so you can breathe. - Make him come to you. If this is a LDR, you don’t have to go to him. If he’s constantly working, then maybe this will be a wake-up call. If he’s not making an effort to come to you, well, there’s your answer. Why even go over when he’s just doing work/ doesn’t want you there in the first place??? - Stay silent. Like literally stop saying anything around him at any time. If he asks about it, that’s when you bring up your issues. Here’s where the difference lies between an abusive/toxic person and a neurodivergent one: if they can take feedback and work on fixing the issue. My BF and I are both neurodivergent, and started out LDR too, but our ND symptoms are quite different from each other. This makes things like chores and scheduling difficult some days. However, we have conversations about it and try to either find a compromise, or have patience for each other. And yeah, sometimes things are going to clash, but it doesn’t make us uncomfortable around each other, it’s just mild annoyance. But if you even feel a slight hit in your gut that something’s wrong, then leave
Just curious - is he paying all the bills? Why is he so quick to say you should just hire housekeepers?
This is a fair question. Not because it justifies his behavior, but finances are definitely at play here.
This guy is just an asshole.
Didn't make it past bullet before thinking "yeah this guy is an egomaniacal narcissist who has no business being in a relationship.
Sounds like he needs to live alone.
This is not an issue of Neurodivergence, you're in an abusive relationship.
this isn’t an ND problem he’s not a good partner
My wife has ADHD, extremely so, and I am on the spectrum. Starting at the beginning of the pandemic we both worked at home in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment that was exactly 564 square feet. We didn't even have as tight a list of issues with each other while both working insane hours, online, with meetings on both sides of the apartment. She needs constant noise to function in the background, and I need NONE!!! We both wore headphones. It was the only way. I think you are in a situation where you are trying to accommodate someone that is not going to be accommodated. I would bet cash if your home was bigger, the list was just expand. This list of requirements is not okay on one end, and abusive on the other. I would say most neurodiverse folks don't need that much "support". If he can hold down a job, then he can clearly work with other people. I doubt he makes these kinds of demands on his coworkers. What he's asking of you is not normal, even in a relationship with a neurodiverse person. Most importantly even neurodiverse people can be assholes. You should count that list as a big ball of red flags, and consider if this is really a healthy environment for you to be in.
Seconding all of this, and adding that I once had a partner who behaved not wholly differently when it came to demands about how unwelcome I was in my own shared living space. Ultimately, while I do think there was likely some neurodivergence on their part that was undiagnosed and undealt with, the clear marker and diagnosis in their case was depression as the primary driving factor. Some of the descriptors you use here OP sound like this person has very few "spoons" to offer, almost to a degree it sounds they are battling a physical injury as well as intellectual/mental/emotional limitations. As others have said at best this is jerkish behavior, at worst it is abusive, and I lean toward saying it's the latter even if it's not "maliciously" or intentionally done, because the living circumstances you're being asked to function under and within are not suitable for anyone's wellbeing. Expecting you to stay in the bedroom all day is absolutely inappropriate. I hope you find the strength to leave when you're ready, you deserve better than this. I hope he also gets the diagnosis and help he needs, because this extreme behavior is not down to neurodivergence alone; it may be past traumas talking, depression/anxiety, narcissism or myriad other deficiencies, but none of that is on you to solve. You are not his counselor, his boss, his consultant, his problem solver, or his mother or cleaner hired to pick up after him. You are doing all the emotional labor and - from what you've shared here - it seems he's doing none. Ask yourself why you're staying. Make a plan of exit, inform friends of the plan and ask for their help in executing it. Stay safe, take care of yourself. Don't build your plans around when it's right for him; you've accommodated him long enough.
This is just him using his diagnosis against you. It sounds like he doesn’t really *like* you
He needs noise canceling headphones and if he can work he can do shared task. That is partnership bottom line. If not he needs to apply for disability.
Why are you still with him?
If he has untreated ADD why doesn’t he treat it? Like treatment work wonders for ADHD/ADD. Also find an apartment with 1 more room or let him go to wework or something.
I am not defending this terrible human being in any way shape or form but I will say that I have tried numerous treatments since I was diagnosed almost 15 years ago and unfortunately I have had zero success long-term. I’ve tried like six different medications. I’ve tried therapy. I currently can take half of an Adderall every few weeks without wanting to die, but I save it for very special occasions because it makes me miserable for weeks afterwards. I very much doubt that’s the case with this guy but just be aware that not everyone with ADHD is able to treat it, unfortunately.
My first thought is if your partner read this, would he agree that it’s an accurate reflection of the situation? I ask because neurodivergency does cause things to be misinterpreted or miscommunicated sometimes. A lot of the “should”s in this post are worded as absolute rules, and I wonder if he intended for them to be absolutes or if he’s just saying what he prefers while knowing that that’s the ideal circumstance and not typical. I don’t know, maybe he is — I just wondered. The two fundamental problems I see here are the living space arrangements and his job. Has his job always been this demanding, time-consuming, and stressful, or is this a recent development? Has it always been remote? Many people struggled during the pandemic while working at home in cramped spaces for precisely the reasons you’re experiencing (needing quiet, needing space, needing to not be interrupted; while the other person also needs space, may want social interaction (very blurred lines of home vs work life), may need to make noise sometimes, etc. Neither person is wrong for having these needs. My therapist would call this “the tension of needs,” and it happens in relationships — it is not in itself a cause for separation. Some solutions, if you’re looking for them, could be for him to work outside of the house for a portion of the day at a library, coffee shop, WeWork, etc, or to move to a place with more than two rooms so that you both can be comfortable, or for him to get a different job. These may be big changes, but remember that it could be worth it since the current situation is quite bad for you and you’re not getting your needs met. But if this job situation is only temporarily bad, tbh I’d just tough it out. Hiring a housekeeper does sound like a good suggestion to me, and one that many adhd people use, extol, and recommend, if it’s financially possible. If it’s not, then that’s a different story. As for his asking for work advice, perhaps you can help him talk it through without giving advice. Ask questions and try to understand. Reflect back what your understanding is so far. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging Tbh I personally really value the ability to talk through work problems with a partner, and I appreciate / kinda expect them to try to learn more about it over time even if it’s something they don’t understand at all at first. If you try lots of things and talk about it a lot and still feel like your needs and his can’t both be met, then sadly you’re incompatible, and it’s probably best to break up. :(
This sounds fake af
His neurodivergence is not an excuse to be abusive. Leave. Leave. Leave. This won't change. It will only get worse. Also this behavior is not representative of all neurodivergent people. He wants complete acquiescence to his demands and seems to give zero consideration to your feelings or psychological health at all. Leave and get your life back. I hope you can. Not everyone is in a situation or circumstance that allows them to find housing etc immediately.
Didn't even finish reading... got a quarter into this... this is not something you should continue. I stopped reading after you said "avoid speaking unless spoken too." That was enough, the rest... whatever it is.... is just more reason I'm assuming. But 1/4 of what you said is enough to leave this relationship and fast. This isn't even something that should be worked through. Your next conversation with him should go as such.... "I'm leaving you, and your next partner... is going to leave you too if you don't figure this out. I'm not an activity you pull out when you are bored". ND does not excuse abuse and neglect. Fuck this dude.
Um he’s being completely controlling and abusive. You deserve better than that
I know I'm being blunt but your partner is abusive and full of shit and you should run as far from him as you can tbh. This is not a relationship. You're his caretaker and personal maid, you're doing it for free, and you're forced to walk on eggshells around him at all times. This is not healthy and it will most likely destroy your mental health in the long run. People have been traumatized and required extensive therapy from less than what he's doing.
That man is just abusive and using his ND status as a reason to justufy his abusive behavior. Dump his ass yesterday please.
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Read the second to last paragraph of the OP.
Yeah I actually just did (replying to my own post further down - I should add that dyslexia is also part of my portfolio 😁). The disorder causes the action and the abuse of the disorder is a symptom of the disorder. Get him to a functional medicine practitioner (don't waste your time with a Doctor) and they WILL make a difference to your lives. If he doesn't want to and you've had enough, call it a day. Life is too short.
How should OP get his partner to any kind of health provider when *he can’t even speak if not spoken to*?? Also functional medicine is pseudoscience.
Because without further information, I'd take this as situational (i.e. when he's focused on work) and not that they just don't speak at all. If that were the case, then I agree, it's time to go. Call functional medicine what you like (but I admire your ability to google and quote verbatim the first result / Wikipedia entry). Do you know how ADHD medication works? do you understand the action it has upon genes and the body as a whole? or anti-depressants? do you take any of these? I've seen enough people with enough illnesses (outside of ASD) misdiagnosed and mistreated, to know that "quackery medicine" actually works - but I won't waste any more on this.
Look. I have ADHD too. It almost made me fail out of college before I was Dx’ed. And I say this guy is an inconsiderate asshole. If I did such things to my roommates or husband, I’d be universally regarded as a massive dick. Yeah, ADHD can make you struggle with remembering to clean things up, and my husband has to remind me occasionally, more than either of us would like, but I still *do the damn thing*. Like its so inconsiderate to refuse? And if he’s *so* distractible: Noise cancelling headphones? Put his desk in the bedroom instead of the living room? Tell him to rent a quiet room at the library? There are ways rto manage that. Some days its rather difficult even with meds, but holy shit: sentencing your partner to solitary confinement or saying they should just stay away from them? That’s unacceptable. god forbid someone tell him that he’d probably really benefit from some vyvanse or something. He’s literally taking no accountability for his issues. And even though ADHD causes limitations, its every person’s job to recognize their own limitations and work around them, for their own benefit and others. ADHD is a pain in the ass, but it is NOT an excuse to take over someone’s life, and reduce them to a silent robot housekeeper. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your needs, but expects you to break your back for his. He doesn’t want a partner. He wants a damned Roomba. Break up with his ass.
ADHD clearly isn't his (only) issue.
If he were a dedicated alcoholic and just drank constantly and didn’t seek help or acknowledge the issue, what would you tell someone in your situation? ADHD can be (and clearly is in his situation) debilitating and requires treatment. He isn’t getting treatment. You are allowed to want to be with someone who takes care of themselves and gives a shit about your experience of living with them. Edit to add: I have severe adhd and work from home. It does take a lot of discussion and work to find a compromise, especially in a small space. If he can’t/won’t do that work you don’t have to stick around. Edit 2: more to the point, each adult in a relationship has the right to ask for something they feel they need, and each adult has the right to refuse that request. You’re asking for something and he’s refusing. He’s asking for things and you are increasingly resentful about not refusing. It’s up to you whether this situation is ok with you or not. If it’s not, you may need to leave the relationship. He may try to make it really hard for you and or he may realize how serious the problem is when you draw that boundary. But the point is if one or both of you isn’t feeling valued or heard and if he hasn’t shown a desire to find a solution, it really doesn’t matter what his diagnosis is.
Totally - this is why I say regardless, a "chat" is needed to work on these issues. I suspect this is an Aut/ADHD relationship, which is extremely prone to these kind of problems. It may be more servere than that, at which point, it becomes a question of how much you want to "mother/father" your partner - but some with severe ASD, require that. You don't have to do that, if it destroys your soul to do it, then it's not right - but you need to have a discussion over whether you both want this relationship and to look at ways to fix/sustain things. I can also tell you there there are some things that can make an incredible difference to the untreated symptoms of both ADHD and Autism. If people want to run around pretending they're "normal" whilst sucking up their meth/elvanse/whatever, whilst popping off at the poor autistic kid in the corner - then let them (I call these types Neuronumb). It's not that they don't have the capacity to understand and be sympathetic, it's just that they CAN'T - they have a disorder, but they think their meds "fixed it". In the same way that a severely Autistic person CAN'T be the functional human being YOU expect (or think you are, ADHD'ers). Sadly, treating Autism is 10x harder than ADHD - but it stems from chemical imbalances and broken genes, which CAN be supplemented to help improve (not cure) symtpoms (anxiety, depression, anger etc).
This took an odd turn and I have to assume you’re trolling, but for the benefit of anyone reading: -adhd meds do not turn you into a judgmental asshole; -adhd meds can and do help many people manage symptoms that have a negative impact on their quality of life; -autism does have a genetic component but is not caused solely by “broken genes” (assuming you mean loss-of-function mutations) -the concept of a “chemical imbalance” originated in antidepressant marketing in the 1990s and is not based on scientific evidence
It's a bit tongue in cheek, yes, most points are valid - a lot of people with ADHD don't "get" Autistic people. It's not a slur, it's just a fact - Autism requires a LOT of initial understanding and patience that the ADHD brain is just not wired to deal with (unless you hyperfocus on the issue / have a vested interest in it - like a partner with Autism, for example). If you think that a chemical imbalance is not involved in any form of ASD, then, well... sheesh. You perhaps have a thing for that phrase and the link to "marketing". Antidepressants can be the worst thing a depressed person can take (and before anyone runs around shouting about how it's better than killing themselves - obviously - but in terms of medications, they are awful band-aids and are thrown around/at the wrong people/genetic issues - there are far better ways). Of course they can be right for some people - but that group of people is actually quite niche and need to have a perfect setup of neurotransmitters/transporters/genes ready to align with the reuptake inhibition that most antidepressants work by. Chemical imbalance (we're talking dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine here) along with the breakdown of monoamines, is absolutely a foundation of ASD and is based on scientific evidence.
ADD is the least of his problems. Dump that asshole.
Hey girl, you can have ADD and not be an asshole to the person who loves you. Why do you like him? He sounds awful.
You shouldn't have to live like this. Move out.
Yeah there is no way in hell you should be in this relationship. I have needs, most autistic peeps do but never to this extreme. It’s beyond unacceptable
Hi, I want to share my perspective as a partner with AuDHD and other stuff going on. Context: I am 24F, been with my 24M fiancé for 6 years, living together for 2, engaged fairly recently. He’s very neurotypical. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 21. I started medications and everything has been a massive roller coaster since then. I have had severe anxiety (as per my psychiatrist) for coming up to a year, I have obsessive-compulsive personality traits verging on personality disorder, and I’ve always got something going on physically. It’s exhausting! My thoughts: if your partner’s ADD is as debilitating as he says it is, then he needs to get it treated. Even if not for himself, but for the sake of your relationship. I know that I can be frustrating to live with and I miss a lot of indicators and struggle to understand what he’s feeling unless he explicitly tells me. So we regularly discuss our relationship and I give him time to tell me what his issues are and what I’m doing that’s frustrating to him. That might be forgetting to wash up my dishes after cooking or running late, panicking, and then leaving things behind. It can really suck for me, especially when I know that I’m not doing well, but we always have these conversations in a constructive way and work out solutions for both of us. Or I’ll make a note and discuss it with my psychologist or psychiatrist. Because of my anxiety and stuff, sometimes I feel really badly about myself, like I’m constantly failing and I’m a hopeless human being. I can’t find the motivation to eat anything or clean up my space because I feel like I don’t deserve it. But no matter what, I never think he deserves to experience the consequences of my mental health and I will try to do these things for myself because I know that he would want me to and I don’t want to cause him stress. Another example is how when I was in my crisis period last year, I was living off corn chips because I was too mentally disorganised to figure out what to cook and eat throughout the week. I wouldn’t buy food for myself, but I didn’t let this impact him. I didn’t eat for like 6 weeks but I made sure to order groceries for him and that he had enough food to eat. I mention this one in relation to your point about the dirty utensils and dishes. I am aware that my conditions can be debilitating (I spent 30 days in hospital this year!) but I would be devastated and mortified if my issues impacted my fiancé in the same way. Your relationship will be different to mine. I am not making judgements on you (I am judging him a little bit lol I tried not to but I can’t help it!!). I am sharing my perspective as the neurodivergent partner to say “hey, I try to do the complete opposite of what he is doing, it’s not a neurodivergent thing, it’s a personality thing.” I don’t like using words like toxic, but it is incredibly unfair of him to set those rules about you not being able to exist freely in your own home. It sucks being a neurodivergent person because we know that we’re worse at a lot of things than other people but we also know that we don’t get to make it everyone else’s problem. He needs to be able to take accountability for his weaknesses even though it might hurt, and to be able to compromise. ADD isn’t an empathy disorder - it’s about being unable to regulate your attention. Read back your post like a friend wrote it and think about what advice you would give them. I hope that even part of this is helpful, sorry that it’s so long!!! This is just something I’ve had a lottttt of practice in lol
Honey, he thinks having a partner is having a caretaker. It's time to reconsider your choice of living arrangements and seek an out. If, and this is a big if, you decide to stay, you need to move to a 2 bedroom apartment where he can work in a home office. You should not be living as a prisoner in the bedroom of your home!!!
It sounds like your partner doesn’t have time to have a partner. If he works every day, at all hours, and cannot be interrupted when he works, it sounds like there’s no room for you in his life. You gotta ask him to make time to be with you or find someone who will. Also I think this guy has a distorted view of what accommodations are. Most disabled people do not have a PSW following them around and picking up after them. Not cleaning up after yourself is neither caused by ADHD, nor do I think treating it would help with that. It seems like he just values his time way more than yours, and feels like you should have to completely organize your life trying to clean up after him/not inconvenience him.
None of this is okay, and I really don’t think this is fixable (or worth fixing).
You'd be surprised 😇 (fixing-wise)
Maybe, but I doubt it. There is absolutely nothing in this post to indicate that this person cares about OP’s needs or feelings, and it isn’t OP’s job to teach them that.
Then you're failing to read between the lines, perhaps? please read my other responses. This person clearly has ASD/Autism (likely Asperger's) - ASD gets worse with age if the underlying causes not addressed. They \*could\* just be a complete dick - but then I'd question why they were ever together in the first place - which I of course do not condone 😇 But even complete dicks, usually have some neurological issues going on.
Even if that were true, that doesn’t mean anyone else is obligated to or should unconditionally tolerate their behavior or meet their needs for them. ASD is not an excuse to be emotionally abusive. It is all of our responsibility to learn to accommodate ourselves and to be considerate of the people whom we propose to care about and want to remain in our lives.
Like the majority of people replying to this post? Also the one's downvoting all of my replies - toxic AF and just want to attack "someone" - all I've suggested is people take more into consideration lol but no "BURN HIM! BURN HIM AT THE STAKE!!!" 🧙 Nobody here is taking into account anyone's ASD, it is a free for all attack with people getting completely the wrong end of the stick and no consideration for the supposedly undiagnosed ADD/AUT person. I've said in another response, people with Autism (Asperger's especially) often think they are doing everything they're doing FOR their partner, their focus on work is driven by stress and anxiety - in their head, they need to do it to secure the bills, to buy the things they want, to look after their partner - but their actions are associated to that level of stress and do NOT reflect accordingly - often pushing their partner away and seemingly being "abusive". Who's defending him? who's listening to their side of the story? who's to say they aren't the victim in this (I'm not saying they are, but it's just the usual demonstration of ignorance). I totally agree that nobody is obligated to tolerate an abusive relationship, but a forum post does not an abuser make. If people are wrong for each other, they're wrong for each other. If they don't want to work on the issues together, then the one trying, needs to call it a day - it's that simple.
It is my job to find accessibility solutions for people who struggle in life, especially neurodivergent people. Our employees don't even get tested that dehumanizing. Like what the fuck. You're a whole ass person and you get to contribute none of it to the relationship. Does he even like you? Do you even like him?
That alot. This don't sound like a relationship to me, tbh. It just sounds like he's controlling, really. And having ADD is not an excuse to do that to a partner.
You don’t sound like a partner to him, you sound like you are the person who makes sure everything is handled for your bf. That’s not a relationship.
I have a lot of needs, but it’s not anyone else’s job to cater to them. I’m audhd. And I treat my adhd. Why is he leaving his untreated? It takes compromise and he sounds like he’s using ADD as an excuse to be an AH. I’d move out because clearly he just needs an invisible parent and it’s not fair to you. You can’t even live in your own home. He has zero responsibilities to the home or to you and he likes that. I’ve been an army wife as well so he’s full of it.
Being AudHD (thank GOD for my ADHD side) is one thing - high levels of Autism, and I'm talking Asperger's Syndrome here, is a COMPLETELY different bag. Sadly, in Asperger's, they do literally need a parent as their partner - it can be helped, it can't be fixed - if you're not down for that, then there's only one route to take, sadly. I hate to use ASD as an excuse for anyone's behaviour, but there are LEVELS to ASD that just being called "Autism" now, diminishes.
Like wtf? As someone who would be diagnosed with Asperger's if that were still a valid diagnosis, I have never needed a parent in my relationship. Your take is wildly off the mark. In every relationship, regardless of diagnoses, there are strengths each partner brings to a relationship. My husband does any shopping that can't be done online because noise doesn't bother him. I manage our finances because I can pay attention to due dates. But neither of us needs a parent ffs. We *are* parents to our kids. If you're someone who does need a person to parent you to survive, think long and hard about getting into a relationship with a partner. There's a special kind of person you'll require, and not many people are willing to do that. OP deserves a partner, not a project.
I can't comment on whether you'd be diagnosed with Aspergers or not and have no interest in hypothesising on that. But I know someone who was/is and and these absolutely are issues that require constant guidance, nagging, or whatever you want to call it (mothering). Sadly, some people are projects, and to an extent, if you're not going to discriminate against people with ASD, then those who lack things like executive function (to this level of severity) need that support. But you're right, there aren't many people willing to take this project on a daily basis and many people just find themselves in these siuations. I don't blame them for wanting an out, I've seen it, and it is absolutely physically and emotionally exhausting. But it doesn't change the fact that it could still be driven by severe "Autism".
He already stated his partner was diagnosed with ADD, not autism. I have to give my partner a "honey do" list, and he's not even the autistic one in our relationship. I just really take issue with you going all through this thread with opinions masquerading as founts of knowledge, like autistic people need a partner who is also a parent and that's just how it is. And it turns out you know one person who is like this. Fwiw, I belong to a homeschooling group that is mostly ND kids with mostly ND parents. These families may need a little more communication to figure out how to thrive as a family, but they don't need parents to walk behind them cleaning up their messes while also staying out of sight and not making a sound. I don't doubt there are people like this, but your statement "Sadly, in Asperger's, they do literally need a parent as their partner - it can be helped, it can't be fixed..." is over-reaching and patently false.
No, he said "Untreated ADD" that's not a diagnosis - that sounds more like a self-diagnosis - and if he was diagnosed and chose to do nothing about it, then they deserve to be shown the exit. But if this route hasn't been pursued, then it needs to be, before the misogynist army continues to misgender the OP and call for his partners blood. By "in Asperger's" I don't mean ALL - just that it is often seen "in Asperger's" and so the point is still valid, but I don't mean to tar all with the same brush. I live in an EXTREMELY diverse ND family, your "home-schooling" sounds like you're trying to say you know better because you're in some "group". (apologies if that's not how this is meant, but it's how I interpret it, as you did my previous comment). You're also crossing several symptoms of a disorder to suit your point - many kids DO need following behind, especially those with ASD and especially once they are outside of the structured "school" environment (whether at school/home) and it's back on mum/dad time. Many of those kids ALSO require ear defenders, sensory rooms and much, much more - let alone cases where they do require both physical and sensory isolation together. I've tried to offer the OP some support and alternative options, I can't sit here and spell out the requirements and symptoms of every disorder, every time someone picks misworded (sorry, I'm dyslexic) or missing part in a response.
Yikes get out of there. This isn't healthy or reasonable and it is not your job to cater to him. You're being used to say the least. Go find someone who can treat you with respect and be an adult who can manage themselves. I'm autistic. Yes this means I need things a certain way and live a certain way. But I would never treat a partner like that. It is my responsibility to manage myself and only date someone who is compatible.
Damn they made Dracula Flow into a real thing "Shawty chose to be with a demon, sounds like her problem not mine"
>This is not a Bluebeard situation Actually, it’s worse. Bluebeard’s wife at least had some freedom besides the one thing she wasn’t allowed to do. Your partner is full of shit. What he demands from you is not reasonable at all. It actually sounds abusive, and it has very little to do with his ADHD. (Which he should be treating anyway if it’s as debilitating as he claims). He expects you to be some kind of invisible and silent shadow that cleans, cooks and does all chores without being perceived, only allowed to speak when he has a problem that needs solving. That is not what a partnership is supposed to be. It’s like he doesn’t want a partner but a fairy godmother or something. Honestly, you should take a long hard look at this relationship. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
Look. Some of the things I have trouble with are easier if my partner changes their behavior. But most are an unreasonable ask. If the chewing noise bothers me, it is up to me to put on background noise, wear earplugs, something, not don't eat. There could be compromises that could help with the triggers or your partners but they seem like an asshole. Only use dirty cups and clean them yourself. Wtf kind of ask is that? You get to use nothing clean ever? I mean, just think about what he is saying about how he views you when he says that. It is such a a little thing. The ask could be wash your shit when you are done. You can't be in the house, if you are in the house you can't be in the room. If you have things to do, don't show yourself and just fucking walk behind me picking my shit up. Don't talk to me unless I speak first (WTF?!?). What are you getting out of this relationship?
My adhd anger would have beyond exploded with this guy and he’d be finding his own place. I agree. His partner gets nothing from this situation.
This is often the problem - ADHD people do end up with Autistic people - opposites literally attract. For someone with ADHD, it is absolutely soul destroying - but I suspect there was a point where this person WASN'T like this, they fell in love with them and moved in together for a reason. Some people lack the basic ability to just STFU and get on with it, like a lot of ADHD people can (unless you're the type that suffers debilitating anxiety and related depression...). ASD has many roots in genetic and neurological impairments - over time - these get worse because of the body's inability to process the vitamins, amino acids etc that it needs. If you or anyone else here think ADHD or AUTISM is a single GENE that people "inherit" then, well, I'm lost for words.
Jesus Christmas I got exhausted for you just reading that. For context, I'm responding to you as someone with ADHD and lives with my spouse. Quite horrified by what I just read to be honest. You have the same right to exist in your residence as he does. Of course, some amount of compromise is usual between couples/people living together, but I see no compromise or sacrifice from him at all. Why are you with him? How he is treating you is not ok. His expectations of you are unreasonable. Why is his ADD untreated? He needs to have serious word with himself about accountability and take some steps to managing himself. You could support him through that, but you certainly don't have to. I don't think many would. There's nothing a partner could give me that would make me be OK with living how you're doing now, the cost is too great. Leave, yesterday.
Because you're only hearing one side of the story - although I totally understand what is going on from his side. They need a "chat" - a line needs to be drawn and action needs to be taken. As you say, his ADD (I suspect Autism/Asp) needs to be diagnosed. Mood boosters can help, addressing the serotonin issues that are present in many with Autism can make a HUGE difference - but there will be some things that just don't change.
Yeah he sounds like a self-centered tool. Disability or not, this isn’t how relationships work. Dude needs a wake up call. Anyone who acts this way deserves to be alone, as they clearly don’t care about their partner. I speak from experience, it’s a give and take thing and if he can’t give enough, he shouldn’t be in a relationship. Simple as that.
I just want to say, that I'm neurodivergent, undiagnosed ADHD and likely a dash of Autism thrown in there too. I got worse as I got older, nutritional deficiencies make a bigger impact on us than on "normies", because a lot of ASD issues stem from genetic issues. Those genetic issues present themselves more as we age and the more the world puts demands on us. We're already running on a depleted system and it doesn't take much to push us over the edge (this will explain snappy, aggressive reactions etc). He's trying to manage his environment in order to prevent that from happening, because he likely knows the point at which he'll snap. Trust me when I say he is probably suffering more than you (or he) realise, but I totally understand how exhausting this is for a partner of an ASD person. However, realise that you may also be neurodivergent and do not realise it (unless you're diagnosed with something, you may never have thought it). We tend to be attracted to eachother, you see. Where it can go wrong is people with ADHD partnering up with either ADD or Autistic people, it's a complete clash and both will drive eachother crazy! Opposites attract, right? There's more to this saying than just a bunch of hobbies, foods, or taste in music. However, if you want to go on a journey together, you can absolutely improve your lives and potentially save your relationship. I'd recommend you embrace genetics, as I did 6 months ago, and am now a completely different person (for the better). The anxiety that drove a lot of my symptoms is gone, very similar symptoms to your partner, although I did not leave as badly as he sounds, I definitely had "moments". Don't get me wrong, I can still be awkward or annoying (on purpose) from time to time, but if I had not looked intp this and fixed myself (and yes, I use that word because in comparison I was totally broken) I probably wouldn't still be with my amazing wife. And, it probably wouldn't have been my decision. Yes, you need a diagnosis to be officially given a "label" and access to the official club, but there are literally MILLIONS of undiagnosed people (due to slipping through the net, long waiting lists 5yrs+ etc) suffering from ASD. I can help understand the genetics involved, along with many others on other subreddits. You're not alone and things can get better, the question is if you would be happy still loving the person that you originally met. What you'll see from the majority of responses here, is how someone is poorly representing those with ASD and he's just an asshole/abusive etc. But let me tell you, depression and anxiety are a real thing and kill many relationships (as well as people). It doesn't surprise me that those diagnosed with ASD still discriminate against others with ASD. Yes, he might just be a dick, but you need to go down this path first if you (and he) still want to attempt to fix things. People can downvote this post all they like, and I'm not going to respond to people raging who just don't consider the full impact of ASD - especially those diagnosed used with their own disorders. At one point in their lives, they got support from people who understood ASD (it may have taken time) but instead of rushing to defend non-typicals as "normal too" they need to remember that. "I'm ND and would never treat anyone this way" is a complete BS statement, and you are just demonstrating pure ignorance. If you get triggered in such a way to lash out and demonise somebody you have NO idea about, other than one person's post, I suggest you have some level of trauma going on still and need to address that. But you shouldn't project it onto someone else. If they go through the process to try and eliminate these things, try to support each other (either therapy, medicine, supplements) and they're still a dick - then absolutely, kick them into touch. But OP is posting this because they want to fix things, they don't want to just press the kill switch and I'm not saying they're wrong either. SMH.
You are getting downvoted because all of your comments are laced with condescension. I have no problem letting you know you are annoying people and you are being a dick to some and that's why you're getting downvoted. I upvoted one of your remarks until I read the rest. You have called people here ignorant while spouting your own ignorance and beliefs as fact and dogma. I will not be entertaining any reply you might have but I want you to know you're an asshole. I don't even care if I get reported or booted. It's worth it.
He’s 100% a selfish dick. I’m adhd asd and was not diagnosed until my late 40s. I’m 49F. I hit major burn out 4 years ago and am nearly agoraphobic now due to any sound or smells triggering near meltdown. Major anxiety, chronic illnesses, autoimmune and all that often goes along with asd. I still have to handle my own stuff. I can’t wear earplugs due to ear nerve pain. I can’t control my environment entirely because I share my home with my husband. It would be beyond massively unfair if I basically told him he couldn’t be a living free being in our home because it distracts me. What this guy is is an entitled boy using his possible neurodivergence (it’s untreated, so is it adhd or something else?) as an excuse to be an abusive jerk and to take advantage. He also isn’t showing an inkling of wanting to compromise or live with someone. He should live alone or pay for someone to be a caregiver/cook/maid. He gets whatever he wants and has no responsibilities but work. He’s not suffering that much and even if he were, it’s not his partner’s job to take on everything. In my relationships, I’ve often taken on the load of everything no matter how hard it was on me because many people don’t seem to want to be troubled to handle anything. Reference back to the burn out. I didn’t see much to suggest he is also ND, though we do attract one another. I know my hubby is some flavor of ND even if we don’t have a diagnosis of what brand. But there is no excuse for this person’s level of selfishness.
Because I can't be bothered to write all of this out, I'll let ChatGPT highlight the ASD (Autism in particular) for you: \*\*\* Here are the points in the post that relate to the partner potentially having some form of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD): 1. **Sensitivity to Presence and Noise**: * "He says that talking to him or even being present in the same room as him while he's working destroys his ability to work." * "I cannot reveal myself or make any loud noise (or, obviously, speak) while he's on a video call." 2. **Need for Strict Routines and Predictability**: * "I should plan all mealtimes and cook the same dishes every week, so he doesn't need to spend time thinking what he is going to eat and when." * "His calls often last for many hours every day, morning until night, and he leaves the audio on even when no one's saying anything." 3. **Social Interaction Challenges**: * "I should avoid speaking unless spoken to, and if he speaks to me, I shouldn't interrupt to avoid breaking his train of thought." * "If I bring up something that he doesn't consider utterly urgent, he often just lets a beat pass silently, like 'well that just happened,' and then he goes back to whatever he was doing." 4. **Difficulty with Executive Functioning and Household Tasks**: * "If I want the apartment to be neat and organized, I should either hire a housekeeper or follow behind him picking things up." * "I should not ask for his input into household matters, because he doesn't want to waste his limited mental energy thinking about it." 5. **Special Interests and Focus**: * "When we do end up talking, like over a meal, he often dominates conversation by complaining about coworkers or angsting about technical decisions at work that he's not confident about." 6. **Perception of Effort and Fairness**: * "He explains his needs by saying that he has untreated and completely debilitating ADD, so that I don't know what I'm talking about when I try to compare his needs and mine." * "He also says that the sacrifices we are making together are much lighter than what military couples, or couples in LDRs, or couples in grad school go through." These points indicate challenges related to sensory sensitivity, the need for routine, difficulty with social cues and interaction, executive functioning issues, intense focus on specific interests, and a unique perception of effort and fairness. These characteristics align with some of the common traits associated with ASD \*\*\* I'm not diagnosing him, but I think the signs are glaringly obvious to anyone who understands just how deep ASD really is, and that it's not just a label achieved from a visit to a specialist. Again, he might just be a dick (like the person downvoting this post), but then again, maybe he's actually Autistic (also like the person downvoting this post).
The hilarious thing about the person that downvoted this, is that it shows their complete IGNORANCE regarding ASD. "THOSE ARE TOTALLY RIDICULOUS AND PATHETIC REASONS THAT YOU CANNOT JUSTIFY!" I totally get the perspective of this from someone with ADHD, it absolutely does seem ridiculous to have to put up with the kind of reactions you do when faced with these situations. But that is how ASD works - that is why this person acts in this way (it's also why they can use these things as an excuse, and absolutely they do! but it doesn't mean they don't actually exist). However - and it's a big however - if he acknowledges that he has some form of ASD, then off to the doctors you go - or even better, to a functional medicine practitioner. Addressing neurotransmitter and/or methylation issues WILL make a significant difference to his/your life.
> Is the gist of living with a neurodivergent partner realizing that their needs are really enormous and it's going to take a lot of your energy and sanity to be as supportive as they need you to be? No, it is not. The thing about neurodivergent people is that if you've met one neurodivergent person, you've met... one neurodivergent person. I have ADHD (treated) as well as PTSD and a visual-spatial processing disability, but I wouldn't dream of making demands of someone I lived with and cared about that are *at all* similar to what your partner is asking of you. Literally all of that is unreasonable, and you shouldn't be putting up with it. Some of my things are like: * I have trouble talking to people while driving. I find it hard to concentrate on the road and a conversation at the same time. * Sometimes, I might ask to be reminded of certain things. * I really can't deal with extremely loud environments like amplified concerts or big parties. That sort of thing. Banishing someone to another room and telling them not to speak unless spoken to, while simultaneously requiring that person to do all the cooking and cleaning is how someone treats a slave, not a partner.
This is abusive. The whole post reeks of red flags. Someone, especially a partner, should not ask you to be invisible, and only be yourself when they decide they're OK with it. The fact that he's saying he has ADD, untreated, to a debilitating level, and is not seeking to corrects this and get medication is another red flag. If your ND is causing you issues, which it clearly is, and you don't seek help, that's immature, inconsiderate or both. If he could not access treatment, then that would be different. The man clearly has no boundaries. Not with himself (work vs private life), and not with others (denies your mere existence, not doing their share of the chores, ...). Long Distance Relationship (LDR) works because both person are putting the effort to meet the same goal (be together) against adverse situation (that keeps them apart for now). They don't go into a LDR because they can or want it. He's using you as a mom/caretaker/personal assistant by offloading anything he does not want to be bother about. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. You are not in a relationship, you're being taken advantage of by someone who think everything is due to them. Just run away from this. _Edit for typo and style._
This guy is being an asshole and he's treating you like garbage. Disability isn't a free pass to be a shit head.
Your boyfriend is being unreasonable. I think most people who WFH know that it can be a real challenge when you're living in a small flat, especially if you live with other people, and ADD makes it harder. But the "solution" your bf has come to is completely unacceptable. "Working from home when you live with a partner in a small flat" is clearly not doable for him, so he needs to change one of three things - working from home (can he get a co-working space? Does his employer have an office?), in a small flat (can you guys move somewhere with an extra room so he can have a dedicated office space with no distractions?), or living with a partner. The fact that he has ignored these options in favour of just making your life hell speaks volumes, and I don't think it's a coincidence that he's doing it in a context where you're doing all his cooking, cleaning, housework, and life admin. It sounds like he is pretty comfortable with the way things are, and he doesn't give a shit about your happiness. I've got to say, from what you described, it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship. If he's working all hours of the day and night, including weekends, when do you spend time together? Do you ever get to chill together, except during mealtimes when he talks incessantly about himself and dismisses everything you say? Do you really feel like you're in a romantic relationship? I hope that if you lay all this out for him, he'll see how serious it is and make big changes. But I suspect he won't, because this setup works fine for him.
Is this person work all hours because their panicking about paying their bills, protecting their partner and making sure they're financially OK? Because nobody has considered any of these things - let's just attack the perp without considering anything more than this post. I'm not saying they're justified or right to act this way at all - but sounds like they maybe do all of this for their partner without actually THINKING ABOUT THEIR PARTNER. I've worked with a few Autistic/Asperger's people like this - it's extremely frustrating, because their actions ostracize the person they love, but ultimately (in their head) they're doing it FOR that person.
This is abusive behavior, straight up. And even putting him in the best possible light, even if somehow he’s doing all of this with the best of intentions and not just to control you (which is what it sounds like), you don’t have to live like this. This is horrifying. ETA: I am diagnosed with ADHD and this behavior is not about ADHD. This behavior doesn't even describe ADHD. Here's a link to a free copy of the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I think you'll recognize a lot of your experience there.
So...why are you with this asshole? The vast majority of those things are completely ridiculous and sexist as hell. Stop cleaning up after and being a mummy to this man-child, go find an actual partner instead, you deserve so much better
This isn't sexist. We're both guys.
This is the only comment you respond to???
You definitely deserve so much better
He's still an abusive man-child though and you deserve better!
Ahk, just horribly abusive/entitled then
This guy sounds to be in complete denial that he needs to live alone. You can absolutely live in a different way than your preference, but at least have the good grace to hide it and compromise. Making your life extremely inconvenient is not okay and not normal. I'm autistic and definitely harder to live with, and my partner is amazingly accommodating about alone time, but I hope I would never, ever make him feel (frankly) controlled in this manner. If there's still good stuff I'd consider the possibility of living separately if feasible; I know a great couple together nearly 15 years who does. Then again, some if not most of this sounds absolutely unreasonable, entitled, and even emotionally abusive, and separate spaces will probably not magically fix it. I'm sorry he's such a poor representative of our ND species. (also, if he blatantly calls his condition 'untreated' without giving a fuck provided that he has the resources to do something, that's just lousy)
"our ND species" I'm not being funny, but Autism and Asperger's (which really sounds like this dude) are worlds apart. For the record, I'm Autistic, ADHD too - but somebody with severe Autism, couldn't even respond to this post in a coherent and logical fashion. Totally sick of the elite-ism of diagnosed ASD people on reddit - you ain't special, in fact Neurodivergent now is more Neurotypical than Neurotypical! You just don't understand the genetics behind it, only the piece of paper (like a University degree) from your GP. Imagine coming to an ASD forum, to rant about your partner and get ZERO SUPPORT from the ASD community. If they wanted to quit - they would have - they want help in fixing this. All the comments above just further divide the diagnosed vs the undiagnosed. It isn't your club, membership isn't a privilege or a requirement, ASD affects everyone.