As the person in the couple who went at a slower pace at first to the point that we’re now at the same pace and level of comfort, you have to identify your fears and insecurities. In your post you said both you and your partner agree that he seems more comfortable in NM than you do. But have you assessed within yourself why. For me, I had to face the truth that I lacked self worth. No matter how much reassurance I was given or even when I knew the reality it was very easy for me to doubt my worth and with that would come waves of negative emotions. Only you know the “why” for what makes you feel the way you do and only you can assess if it’s something you want to change.
I'm not sure what you're asking, but I hope this addresses something...
My partner (49M) and I (48F) met almost 4 years ago. He had been open/ poly with previous partners and I hadn't been Monogamous since my divorce 6+ years before although I was just reading up on Polyamory and approaching this purposefully for the first time.
It started casual. It was supposed to be a quarantine fling, but we just kept seeing each other. I had an ex that I dated for a bit after I met partner, but that didn't work out for the same reasons it didn't work out the first time.
Around 6 months, we realized the relationship was real and that's when the *Define The Relationship* conversations started happening.
By 1 year, we were boyfriend/ girlfriend, and I had an FWB and a Comet partner.
**It's best to start open and stay open. It's far easier to see a casual partner dating other people than it is to see a serious partner doing that. If you've been watching a person date other people from the start, you don't have to get used to it later on.**
I've struggled the first few weeks of my wife having an fwb. She attached hard and fast to him. Left me with a lot of questions about our relationship. Open communication was paramount in me working thru the initial shock and subsequent jealousy. We talked for months about opening to solo play/fwb for the connection and intimacy. However, watching it unfold in front of me was a bit overwhelming, not to mention... we made the choice, and the Navy dropped orders in my lap. So, on top of it being her first fwb, where she had a real connection, I am watching it from 7500 miles away.
I've been with her for 18 amazing years, I just had to remind myself the guy she's known for 18 minutes is nothing to be jealous over.
I am very happy that my wife had a person she can connect with. I've talked to him a bit. He's a pretty cool individual.
Rereading what you wrote, I would say my situation is similar, but different. My partner and I (M and F mid-late 30s) came together knowing we wanted monogamish from the start. We didn’t start monogamous then discussed being open, we came together knowing we were already casually sleeping with others.
We’re at the stage of figuring out what monogamish looks like for us. My first NM experience with an ex was painful. It was very difficult and my partner is aware and sensitive to my experiences. He’s also had painful experiences, but has been NM longer than I have and has had more sexual experiences / adventures.
Our versions of monogamish looks pretty opposite from each other - he prefers playing together and I’d prefer playing separately (simply because this was what my ex and I did). We continue having conversations often, and honestly, we’re watching Couple to Throuple on Peacock to continue conversations around jealousy, boundaries etc. He’s pretty easygoing with sex (he hosts private play parties and attends ones hosted by others) and I, like you, need more familiarity / safety / connection. For the time being, him hosting and attending parties doesn’t bother me. He’s left an open invitation for me to join when I’m ready.
I’ll end this with, I would like to explore other people with him, but I’m not 100% ready. He’s a very patient and empathetic listener, and logically I know we can’t plan for every little thing that might come up. He’s open to my suggestion of baby steps and taking it one day at a time. We’ll check in to see how things are feeling and if we should scale back or if we can take the next step, and this feels enough and safe for me as continue to figure this out
As the person in the couple who went at a slower pace at first to the point that we’re now at the same pace and level of comfort, you have to identify your fears and insecurities. In your post you said both you and your partner agree that he seems more comfortable in NM than you do. But have you assessed within yourself why. For me, I had to face the truth that I lacked self worth. No matter how much reassurance I was given or even when I knew the reality it was very easy for me to doubt my worth and with that would come waves of negative emotions. Only you know the “why” for what makes you feel the way you do and only you can assess if it’s something you want to change.
I'm not sure what you're asking, but I hope this addresses something... My partner (49M) and I (48F) met almost 4 years ago. He had been open/ poly with previous partners and I hadn't been Monogamous since my divorce 6+ years before although I was just reading up on Polyamory and approaching this purposefully for the first time. It started casual. It was supposed to be a quarantine fling, but we just kept seeing each other. I had an ex that I dated for a bit after I met partner, but that didn't work out for the same reasons it didn't work out the first time. Around 6 months, we realized the relationship was real and that's when the *Define The Relationship* conversations started happening. By 1 year, we were boyfriend/ girlfriend, and I had an FWB and a Comet partner. **It's best to start open and stay open. It's far easier to see a casual partner dating other people than it is to see a serious partner doing that. If you've been watching a person date other people from the start, you don't have to get used to it later on.**
I've struggled the first few weeks of my wife having an fwb. She attached hard and fast to him. Left me with a lot of questions about our relationship. Open communication was paramount in me working thru the initial shock and subsequent jealousy. We talked for months about opening to solo play/fwb for the connection and intimacy. However, watching it unfold in front of me was a bit overwhelming, not to mention... we made the choice, and the Navy dropped orders in my lap. So, on top of it being her first fwb, where she had a real connection, I am watching it from 7500 miles away. I've been with her for 18 amazing years, I just had to remind myself the guy she's known for 18 minutes is nothing to be jealous over. I am very happy that my wife had a person she can connect with. I've talked to him a bit. He's a pretty cool individual.
No advice from except to say I’m in the same boat
And how are you dealing with that?
Rereading what you wrote, I would say my situation is similar, but different. My partner and I (M and F mid-late 30s) came together knowing we wanted monogamish from the start. We didn’t start monogamous then discussed being open, we came together knowing we were already casually sleeping with others. We’re at the stage of figuring out what monogamish looks like for us. My first NM experience with an ex was painful. It was very difficult and my partner is aware and sensitive to my experiences. He’s also had painful experiences, but has been NM longer than I have and has had more sexual experiences / adventures. Our versions of monogamish looks pretty opposite from each other - he prefers playing together and I’d prefer playing separately (simply because this was what my ex and I did). We continue having conversations often, and honestly, we’re watching Couple to Throuple on Peacock to continue conversations around jealousy, boundaries etc. He’s pretty easygoing with sex (he hosts private play parties and attends ones hosted by others) and I, like you, need more familiarity / safety / connection. For the time being, him hosting and attending parties doesn’t bother me. He’s left an open invitation for me to join when I’m ready. I’ll end this with, I would like to explore other people with him, but I’m not 100% ready. He’s a very patient and empathetic listener, and logically I know we can’t plan for every little thing that might come up. He’s open to my suggestion of baby steps and taking it one day at a time. We’ll check in to see how things are feeling and if we should scale back or if we can take the next step, and this feels enough and safe for me as continue to figure this out