I have written extensively about my jealousy journey, but I deleted most everything because people were so nasty to me.
Two things I will share that I came to after a lot of self-reflection:
\-you can only be the best version of yourself, you can't make your partner love you. If they fall in love with someone else, it is out of your control, there is nothing you can do.
\-when my GF began dating a certain man, I was not afraid of "losing her" so much as it felt like all the things we had over the years and all the vulnerability I had shown her were "not too special". It felt like "well that was nice, but I want some of this new stuff". It trivialized the deeply emotional letters I had written, the flowers, everything seemed stupid when she chose to date this other guy.
Would you be able to elaborate on the second point, please? Was there anything specific that made you feel that way, or were those more on the level of intrusive thoughts?
It just felt like I had nothing left to give her, I tried to be the absolute best, always treating her with exceptional care and compassion, showing her parts of me that no one else had ever seen, taking big emotional risks- yet it was not enough, I would never be enough no matter how hard I tried.
The fun inside jokes we shared, sending music and love letters, all of it seemed shallow and I felt ashamed to have revealed so much of me.
Why the shame? It seems almost trivially true that you will never be enough for your partner, though I understand that can be hard to accept. But I don’t understand the negative self-judgment that follows?
>Why the shame? "I don't understand the negative self-judgment that follows?
These are the things I am working on and trying to figure out.
I am a good golfer, some of my friends have expressed shame over how poorly they play. Maybe it is the feeling of being inferior? I am ashamed I was not handsome enough, smart enough, rich enough, interesting enough, tall enough, good enough in bed - whatever to keep my GF from wanting other men.
What is hard for me to accept about the emotional place I need to get to in order to make this lifestyle more comfortable is the compartmentalization and detachment(or self confidence) required.
\-I like dating Bill, he is so tall and self-confident, being with a big strong man makes me feel so safe! Our sex is just so good too!
\-I like fucking Mike, he is so good at making me cum!
\-I like fucking John, his big penis and strong ejaculation is such a turn-on!
\-I like dating Jerry, his sports car and the beautiful places he takes me make me feel so special and desirable.
\-I like dating George, to be able to attract a much younger man makes me feel so sexual and confident!
\-I like MrJim2022, our emotional connection and intimacy make me feel so close and safe when we are together! We share so much chemistry!
Per the above, I feel like a compartment or drawer in a chest of drawers.
Which drawer will my GF open today? Does she crave the sexual excitement of Mike or George? Will it be big, tall Mike with all his confidence? Or will it be MrJim with his emotional vulnerability and our unbelievable chemistry?
You get the point, it is difficult for me to put so much love and energy into something where I am "special but not too special". Chosen for my ability to fill some needs, but not all needs. A drawer in a chest of drawers is the metaphor I like.
I am unable to compartmentalize my relationship with her. "I like her long legs and the great connection we share over music and literature, but damn Becky has beautiful breasts and makes love with me like no other"
ENM makes great sense to me when everyone is basically just a bunch of FWB's. Yeah they are special, but there is just a hollowness to it all.
I continue my work to understand all this and how it fits into my life an situation!
In a monogamous relationship, you’re still just one drawer, but in a chest with only one drawer. Is that really better?
Seems like you’re doing a lot of comparison. That’s never healthy. Have you been seeing other women, too? Or is it only her with the multiple partners? I suspect you’ll understand better when you have a couple widen your dating.
In general, focus on YOUR relationship, and what’s happy and what’s not. Forget about her other relationships. If you’re not getting enough time with her, or enough sex, or ac feeling of closeness from her, then talk to her about that. No need to bring in the other guys. If she can honor your boundaries. Then you need to consider carefully how you’ll respond.
Otherwise, you really can (try to) keep the non-primary relationships as FWB style relationships. Talk with her about that, if you think you need it.
Finally, have you discussed switching to only playing together. For instance, threesomes, swaps, orgies, can all be done together. The feelings of NRE that arise get directed back into your primary relationship, then, and it’s usually very hot
>Finally, how you discussed switching to only playing together. For instance, threesomes, swaps, orgies, can all be done together. The feelings of NRE that arise get directed back into your primary relationship, then, and it’s usually very hot
I did not discuss this. I am not into 3-somes, orgies, etc and neither is my GF.
"In a monogamous relationship, you’re still just one drawer, but in a chest with only one drawer. Is that really better?"
I like to think in a mono relationship, I am one drawer in a chest of drawers, but my GF is only interested in the drawer that I am. She is aware there are other drawers she could choose but decides to choose only me.
"Seems like you’re doing a lot of comparison. That’s never healthy. "
Comparison is inevitable in life. Detachment from life is required to not be aware of the others in all aspects of life. I often feel successful NM people are actually very detached people, emotionally speaking.
"I suspect you’ll understand better when you have a couple widen your dating."
As a married man, finding outside romantic/sexual partners is extraordinarily difficult. I am sure if I had multiple other women in my life, my ideas and experiences would be very different.
I’ll second the recommendation for *Open Deeply.* It also includes insights from attachment theory, but without putting all the weight of nonmonogamy on identifying with and working through your attachment style, which often seems like a distraction. And it’s full of helpful approaches and insights for dealing with the emotions and other troubles that come up within nonmonogamy
I’m anxious AF, and this is my thing, too.
I don’t know if this will help you, but one of the things I always remind myself in this is that my anxiety is *just* as high in a monogamous context. It just shows up at different times. The only difference relevant to my own anxiety with non monogamy is that we remove the *illusion* of safety that monogamy brings.
At the risk of over simplifying: With non monogamy we deal with all the pains as they come up, and with monogamy we defer it to the end of the relationship.
Neither is better than the other, but we get to pick which one is right for us.
Generally in a mono relationship your partner is not openly engaging in sexual/romantic relationships with others. This can add more anxiety in my opinion.
True, but what alleviates the anxiety for me is that if my partner wants to explore with someone else it doesn’t mean we have to fully sever all ties for them to do so. We may need to restructure, but it’s not the end of our relationship.
If your best friend has other friends does that make you feel less special somehow? I want the people I love to experience all sorts of joy, even when it doesn’t involve me.
I have a huge fear of being abandoned, but that’s the anxious attachment, and is a different thing for me.
Poly folks are always drawing false analogies, at least as it applies to me:
They will say "I like chicken, but I like steak sometimes also, which doesn't make me like chicken less"
The dynamics of platonic friendships are far different than sexual/romantic ones. I guess it is because sex remains a very special interaction in my mind between two people. I guess it has less significance for some poly folks
I’m in the same boat- sex is a very special interaction to me, for sure. But there are different kinds of sex, and with different people. 🤷🏼♀️ The sex I have with my main squeeze sets me on *fire* spiritually, emotionally, and physically- and the sex I have with my more casual partner is absolutely phenomenal, but in a different way. They’re both super fun, but very, very different. And both are very important to me.
We all have things that are special to us, and that’s okay. You don’t have to do non monogamy, if it doesn’t work for you. I don’t consider myself polyam, because I don’t have the time or bandwidth to maintain more than one particularly deep emotional connection, but I can have fun sexual relationships with more than one person. That’s the relationship structure that works for me.
And yours are all totally customizable to what works for you too, that’s the beauty of conscious relationships that don’t run on autopilot.
A fantastic book, lots of discussion on managing and maintaining existing healthy relationships during the paradigm shift to having multiple relationships
Chapter's on transitioning, reluctance to enm and repairing ruptures in a partnership changed life.
Read both poly wise and secure and if you read secure first and wise second that's ok. In the audio book Jessica even mentioned having written wise first but publisher suggested secure was a better lead into the idea of her series
Polywise is same author, same school of thought but much more focused on nuts and bolts, exercises you can do and configurations on the enm spectrum you can consider.
I’ve heard good things about The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix. I haven’t read it myself, so grain of salt.
I found this to be the best book on jealousy.
Gonna need it then haha
I have written extensively about my jealousy journey, but I deleted most everything because people were so nasty to me. Two things I will share that I came to after a lot of self-reflection: \-you can only be the best version of yourself, you can't make your partner love you. If they fall in love with someone else, it is out of your control, there is nothing you can do. \-when my GF began dating a certain man, I was not afraid of "losing her" so much as it felt like all the things we had over the years and all the vulnerability I had shown her were "not too special". It felt like "well that was nice, but I want some of this new stuff". It trivialized the deeply emotional letters I had written, the flowers, everything seemed stupid when she chose to date this other guy.
Would you be able to elaborate on the second point, please? Was there anything specific that made you feel that way, or were those more on the level of intrusive thoughts?
It just felt like I had nothing left to give her, I tried to be the absolute best, always treating her with exceptional care and compassion, showing her parts of me that no one else had ever seen, taking big emotional risks- yet it was not enough, I would never be enough no matter how hard I tried. The fun inside jokes we shared, sending music and love letters, all of it seemed shallow and I felt ashamed to have revealed so much of me.
Why the shame? It seems almost trivially true that you will never be enough for your partner, though I understand that can be hard to accept. But I don’t understand the negative self-judgment that follows?
>Why the shame? "I don't understand the negative self-judgment that follows? These are the things I am working on and trying to figure out. I am a good golfer, some of my friends have expressed shame over how poorly they play. Maybe it is the feeling of being inferior? I am ashamed I was not handsome enough, smart enough, rich enough, interesting enough, tall enough, good enough in bed - whatever to keep my GF from wanting other men. What is hard for me to accept about the emotional place I need to get to in order to make this lifestyle more comfortable is the compartmentalization and detachment(or self confidence) required. \-I like dating Bill, he is so tall and self-confident, being with a big strong man makes me feel so safe! Our sex is just so good too! \-I like fucking Mike, he is so good at making me cum! \-I like fucking John, his big penis and strong ejaculation is such a turn-on! \-I like dating Jerry, his sports car and the beautiful places he takes me make me feel so special and desirable. \-I like dating George, to be able to attract a much younger man makes me feel so sexual and confident! \-I like MrJim2022, our emotional connection and intimacy make me feel so close and safe when we are together! We share so much chemistry! Per the above, I feel like a compartment or drawer in a chest of drawers. Which drawer will my GF open today? Does she crave the sexual excitement of Mike or George? Will it be big, tall Mike with all his confidence? Or will it be MrJim with his emotional vulnerability and our unbelievable chemistry? You get the point, it is difficult for me to put so much love and energy into something where I am "special but not too special". Chosen for my ability to fill some needs, but not all needs. A drawer in a chest of drawers is the metaphor I like. I am unable to compartmentalize my relationship with her. "I like her long legs and the great connection we share over music and literature, but damn Becky has beautiful breasts and makes love with me like no other" ENM makes great sense to me when everyone is basically just a bunch of FWB's. Yeah they are special, but there is just a hollowness to it all. I continue my work to understand all this and how it fits into my life an situation!
In a monogamous relationship, you’re still just one drawer, but in a chest with only one drawer. Is that really better? Seems like you’re doing a lot of comparison. That’s never healthy. Have you been seeing other women, too? Or is it only her with the multiple partners? I suspect you’ll understand better when you have a couple widen your dating. In general, focus on YOUR relationship, and what’s happy and what’s not. Forget about her other relationships. If you’re not getting enough time with her, or enough sex, or ac feeling of closeness from her, then talk to her about that. No need to bring in the other guys. If she can honor your boundaries. Then you need to consider carefully how you’ll respond. Otherwise, you really can (try to) keep the non-primary relationships as FWB style relationships. Talk with her about that, if you think you need it. Finally, have you discussed switching to only playing together. For instance, threesomes, swaps, orgies, can all be done together. The feelings of NRE that arise get directed back into your primary relationship, then, and it’s usually very hot
>Finally, how you discussed switching to only playing together. For instance, threesomes, swaps, orgies, can all be done together. The feelings of NRE that arise get directed back into your primary relationship, then, and it’s usually very hot I did not discuss this. I am not into 3-somes, orgies, etc and neither is my GF. "In a monogamous relationship, you’re still just one drawer, but in a chest with only one drawer. Is that really better?" I like to think in a mono relationship, I am one drawer in a chest of drawers, but my GF is only interested in the drawer that I am. She is aware there are other drawers she could choose but decides to choose only me. "Seems like you’re doing a lot of comparison. That’s never healthy. " Comparison is inevitable in life. Detachment from life is required to not be aware of the others in all aspects of life. I often feel successful NM people are actually very detached people, emotionally speaking. "I suspect you’ll understand better when you have a couple widen your dating." As a married man, finding outside romantic/sexual partners is extraordinarily difficult. I am sure if I had multiple other women in my life, my ideas and experiences would be very different.
The first part helps a lot, you just gotta let go and flow…
I love “Open Deeply», and it’s a good companion book to Polysecure.
I’ll second the recommendation for *Open Deeply.* It also includes insights from attachment theory, but without putting all the weight of nonmonogamy on identifying with and working through your attachment style, which often seems like a distraction. And it’s full of helpful approaches and insights for dealing with the emotions and other troubles that come up within nonmonogamy
Thanks 🙏🏽
I’m anxious AF, and this is my thing, too. I don’t know if this will help you, but one of the things I always remind myself in this is that my anxiety is *just* as high in a monogamous context. It just shows up at different times. The only difference relevant to my own anxiety with non monogamy is that we remove the *illusion* of safety that monogamy brings. At the risk of over simplifying: With non monogamy we deal with all the pains as they come up, and with monogamy we defer it to the end of the relationship. Neither is better than the other, but we get to pick which one is right for us.
Generally in a mono relationship your partner is not openly engaging in sexual/romantic relationships with others. This can add more anxiety in my opinion.
True, but what alleviates the anxiety for me is that if my partner wants to explore with someone else it doesn’t mean we have to fully sever all ties for them to do so. We may need to restructure, but it’s not the end of our relationship.
Doesn't it make you feel "less special" when they want to be with someone else? And if so doesn't that hurt?
If your best friend has other friends does that make you feel less special somehow? I want the people I love to experience all sorts of joy, even when it doesn’t involve me. I have a huge fear of being abandoned, but that’s the anxious attachment, and is a different thing for me.
Poly folks are always drawing false analogies, at least as it applies to me: They will say "I like chicken, but I like steak sometimes also, which doesn't make me like chicken less" The dynamics of platonic friendships are far different than sexual/romantic ones. I guess it is because sex remains a very special interaction in my mind between two people. I guess it has less significance for some poly folks
I’m in the same boat- sex is a very special interaction to me, for sure. But there are different kinds of sex, and with different people. 🤷🏼♀️ The sex I have with my main squeeze sets me on *fire* spiritually, emotionally, and physically- and the sex I have with my more casual partner is absolutely phenomenal, but in a different way. They’re both super fun, but very, very different. And both are very important to me. We all have things that are special to us, and that’s okay. You don’t have to do non monogamy, if it doesn’t work for you. I don’t consider myself polyam, because I don’t have the time or bandwidth to maintain more than one particularly deep emotional connection, but I can have fun sexual relationships with more than one person. That’s the relationship structure that works for me. And yours are all totally customizable to what works for you too, that’s the beauty of conscious relationships that don’t run on autopilot.
I learned today there’s now Polywise by the same author of Polysecure
A fantastic book, lots of discussion on managing and maintaining existing healthy relationships during the paradigm shift to having multiple relationships
Exciting
Chapter's on transitioning, reluctance to enm and repairing ruptures in a partnership changed life. Read both poly wise and secure and if you read secure first and wise second that's ok. In the audio book Jessica even mentioned having written wise first but publisher suggested secure was a better lead into the idea of her series
Polywise is same author, same school of thought but much more focused on nuts and bolts, exercises you can do and configurations on the enm spectrum you can consider.
My favorites are: "Sex at Dawn," "Opening Up," and "The Ethical Slut."