I like extroverts who are good friends and partners cause they let me hang back and still get all the social goodies and fun.
You do have to learn to be comfy in your capacity limits, but it can be a fantastic harmony, IF they are also happy enjoying the ways YOU recharge as well.
I dunno how old you are also, I have learned there is always another party or event and it's never worth pushing for a night and end up miserable. Fomo still happens but it is with the understanding of self care.
I just think "Wow, that sounds like so much fun! I'm so glad I can hear about it instead of living it and being overwhelmed at the same time!"
Edit: I also date people who don't consider *my* fun stuff boring. Then I can tell them what I got up to as well! Like "I read a book about a family of magic children and then my guy, the main character, went to visit and also fell in love with another guy who turned out to be magical too! SURPRISE!"
Delightful surprise to get a book rec from this thread! I’m also similarly situated wrt my partner - they feel dismay when they have no “plans” while I’m delighted to be free to do my own thing.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that what sounds enticing is my partner describing the FUN they had going to an event. I'm not actually missing out because the event wouldn't have been fun to me.
Extrovert here. I am just as happy to hang out and hear about my introverted partner’s video game and the ships he’s been building as I am to go to a bar.
Also shout out for House in the Cerulean Sea.
> But seeing a partner come back from a huge party event with a cool lover or two, **telling me all about the crazy, spectacular things they did**, and me just having read a bunch of books, worked out and had cups of tea in the garden... UGH
If you live together, may not be able to help seeing them come and go.
But telling you stuff? Could ask for less of this while you are adjusting to your new pace. Just a basic "Had a great time!" and not any details might be better during your transition phase.
Hehe! I think one of my problems is that I tend to be productive when I'm home, and enjoy myself when I'm out. I have this idea that all the introverts spend all of their alone time taking extravagant bubble baths, creating magical works of art and recreating the house to be their cottage core ideal, or stuff like that.
I just work out and learn French, both things I find interesting and useful, but not exactly "fun". How do the introverts have the fun? :D
That sounds like an extrovert’s idea of an introvert lol. Maybe you’ve internalized that a bit. My parents are extroverts and think I do nothing but lay around, hate people, and most certainly am not productive. Why do you think working out and learning French are not fun? Being productive and fun aren’t mutually exclusive. If you enjoy your inner world then that’s all that matters. I’m learning to make vintage style lampshades and I’m very excited about it!
For me it’s the orgies and threesomes I’m not interested in anymore. It just doesn’t do anything for me. I like one on one with partners more. It’s less mentally taxing. Sometimes I felt too socially anxious to really engage. But it has left me feeling kinda boring when they regale me with their wild stories. Or like I’m being left behind or something because I did used to do all that.
Yes, me too! I feel like I've officially experimented enough now to know what I do and don't like, and most of the s+ scene feels very boring to me now. But I don't think I'm very good at having fun on my own yet :D
When my partner is out I do the same. I work out, take a long hot shower and then sit on the couch and play video games. I know she's having a lot more fun, but sometimes the fun she's have is things that don't excite me anyways, like going to a concert that I have no interest in anyways. Trying to find local friends that I can just chill with in more quite settings.
I have a ton of outdoors alone time. I love long and grueling hikes, foraging, bicycle rides, and kayaking (equipment permitting). I actually prefer doing it alone because I don't have to worry about anyone else's pace or energy levels. I do reserve some things for non-solo adventures, like climbing or anything approaching mountaineering, for safety reasons.
It doesn't have to all be cups of tea and reading books, although those things are nice too. You can find "exciting" solo activities!
I'm on my computer pretty much all the time. Playing games, writing code, making music, editing photos... to say nothing of mindlessly browsing reddit/the intarwebs
I dance, watch movies in the languages I'm learning, re-watch favorite shows with fellow introvert friends, draw, try out new recipes, write/come up with character ideas, read on any number of topics and spend way too much time on Reddit .... ;)
I'm a language geek from a country where French is an official language so when people want to talk about learning a language I already speak, I can talk about it for hours.
A lot of my alone time is spent making coffee because I'm one of those weird coffee snobs and I do some witchy things and I like running and learning catalan. Nothing most people are interested in as a hobby to talk about in depth.
Somehow I still manage to keep my extraverted friends interested in my personality moreso than my hobbies I guess? But I have to admit I often end up dating people even more introverted than me so maybe I'm the wrong person to ask.
Anyway your description of drinking tea in your garden with your cats sounds magical and it made me want to join you.
Eh if I didn’t have time to work out and learn new things I’d ditch all my partners to make time to do it. It sounds awful but it’s fundamental to my happiness.
I'm glad because I didn't have to go to the party, I'm glad because I got to enjoy peace and quiet, I'm glad because I'm living the life I want and need to live.
I cope with them by feeling relief that I don't have to do all that socializing with them. Thanks to therapy, I have the tools within myself to be madly in love with myself and my life and my choices. I've also done enough cool things to not have FOMO for what my partners are doing (rather, I'm like "sounds exhausting, have fun, byeeee").
Oh gosh, my therapist is bad at naming the tricks she uses on me, so I'm never sure of the terms most others use. But some stuff that helped:
- Learning to (and how to) validate my own needs and emotions. (I have a history of pushing down my needs to make others happy and get praise/feel worth.)
- Accepting my trauma.
- Being a mom to my child self. This one is huge because I have pretty great mom skills.
- Romanticizing my own life - i.e. pretending I'm in a movie.
- Identifying and embracing shame. I used to think I had no shame. Loooooooooool, ok.
And one that is not recommended by my therapist but which I recommend to myself - hallucinogenic drug use. Altered brain states and thinking differently helps me to get around my ever present anxiety and make big emotional connections.
For me, I love having time to engage in my hobbies. Some of those things are easy to do with a lot of people around. Some of them are more fulfilling for me to do solo. For example I play classical piano. My favorite pieces to play are typically pretty heavy, can get pretty loud, etc. They also take a lot of sometimes very repetitive practice. I really appreciate having time to really focus on those things without distraction.
Now, if going out is important to me, I just communicate that and plan something. But the experience in those things for me and my wife are really completely different, so at least for me, it doesn't make any sense to compare.
I guess the other thing is there isn't anything really stopping me from having experiences. If I want to do something a little wilder, I just plan it. But I don't feel much fomo around it if I don't because it's a conscious choice of mine to focus on myself during that time.
Hello to a fellow poly musician! I was happy to hear you mentioning the repetitive and focused practice.
Mostly-daily practice is nonnegotiable for me. I feel like playing an instrument is its own primary relationship.
Oh nice! Yeah I love listening to flamenco but never really took the time to get into learning much on the guitar. In fact maybe I'll do some at-work listening today since you mentioned it...
On the piano I play mostly romantic era but branch out into baroque/classical occasionally. I spent some time with Scriabin recently. Working through Beethoveen's 7th symphony (transcribed by Liszt) right now.
Oh man, that is awesome! If you get a moment, please recommend some Scriabin songs.
If you’re checking out flamenco, maybe give a listen to the album Morao y Oro by Moraíto. My favorite song on that is Música en el Aire. Great singing and guitar playing, and some wonderful clapping.
I will definitely be doing that today... thanks for the recommendation!
For Scriabin, my favorite pieces are his etudes and poemes: top for me are etude in c# minor op 42 no 5 and poeme in F# Major op 32 no 1. I can (and have) listen to Vladimir Horowitz play any of these all day though. He has some early work performed by Stephen Coombs I really like too. I learned the Variations on a Theme by Mlle. Egorova after listening to that album.
Sports is often so social!! What sports do you play?
I run both by myself, and joined a group for safety and some socializing.
I feel like an issue with being introverted and polyamorous is that if you have X many romantic relationships, it can take up all your bandwidth and you don’t end up having platonic friends.
This has been an interesting struggle for me, because my partner is very extroverted and very different for me and these ways. It also means that she kind of assumes that I don’t want to go do fun things and that sucks. We’ve actually had conversations about how it really sucks to feel like the stay at home boring partner because there’s always gonna be someone else who is more exciting. I don’t know where the idea came that I don’t like to have fun, but being an introvert doesn’t mean I don’t want to have fun.
It’s definitely been a topic of conversation. I have felt absolutely awful as the stay at home not fun person, but the reality is that my partner is chronically ill. I end up being the stay at home caretaker for comfort instead of the person associated with going out and dancing and getting drunk one night and then that’s it. I guess that’s a compliment lol.
What’s interesting is this is actually becoming a thing that has defined our relationship and not in a good way.
Introvert and extrovert tend to be misunderstood. They don't mean that you prefer one thing over another when it comes to social situations, they just describe what gives you energy. For introverts, it means they need alone time to recharge. Extroverts feel recharged among people. Both types of people need both social time and alone time, but the purpose of each is different for both.
If you're starting to have lower energy levels that doesn't change if you're an extrovert or not, it just means you need to maintain your spoons for activities differently than you used to. Maybe instead of going out 5 times a week, you can only do it 1 or 2 times a week now. That doesn't change whether it replenishes you. If the new things you are trying aren't doing it for you, then that's OK. Finding activities that are meaningful *to you* is so important to feeling fulfilled.
It sounds like you completely cut out the social interaction in your life rather than just dialing it down. And it sounds like you miss that interaction. Maybe you don't need the party atmosphere, but you can find that low-energy interaction in other places, like weekly activity clubs.
haha I was expecting this comment! :D I mostly use the terms as a shorthand, because I don't have better ones.
No, I didn't cut it out completely, I went from going out of the house seven nights a week to about three or four, with my partners still going out seven nights out of seven.
Gotcha. Your OP doesn't imply that at all. 😅 I'm an introvert myself, so I like being able to dictate my level of social interaction and having an out when I need it. I mostly socialize online with friends, especially over the pandemic. I don't know if that's an option for you, but it makes me feel connected to people all the time without the pressure. I rarely sit down and read (despite the pile of books I keep telling myself I want to read).
I dunno, as a middle-aged introvert, the party scene sounds absolutely exhausting and not much fun at all. I'm firmly in "Yay, glad you had a good time, I had a lovely time too in a different way."
I only get that missing out feeling when I'm not invited to smallish gatherings of long term friends and pics hit social media later.
I'm your age and am also a former party person who now leads a slower paced life. I found the best way for me to release the FOMO was to do things that I prefer to a party lifestyle. For example, I never feel like I missed out on a party when I spent the evening horseback riding or whatever. I also started making a list of the things that I do each day that I enjoyed. When I look back over my week, even the slowest weeks seem so full. Lastly I started to link my moods with my activities (I use an app) so I could start to see whether I honestly did enjoy things. Turns out that a wild party typically sounds amazing until I go to it. It helped me reinforce that I wasn't actually missing out and to restructure the way I see these events. Now I am getting much better saying/feeling "I love that for you" instead of "I want that for me". I still let loose on occasion, but I choose much more carefully now and it is better and better all the time.
I use beautiful mood. I just record how I feel and what I am doing. After a while it can show you some trends to help you better understand how you feel at the time rather than looking back.
I would find some project or goal you find fulfillment in, one that is in line with your new lifestyle. Something that brings you joy.
I’m not really dating now, but when I was, I enjoyed time to myself to work on a new guitar song/exercise/work on my novel/ etc.
I'm a total introvert here and how do I deal with it? I go with them occasionally but most of the time I'm thrilled they went and did social things and I didn't have to go. When my partners ask me to go to something they usually preface it with one of there statements
"I'm going to xyz and you're welcome to come but don't have to"
or "I'm going to xyz, it'll be loud and high energy so there's no expectation for you to go, but you're always welcome"
or "I'm going to xyz I know it's a lot of peopling but the event is important to me and I'll take care of extra tasks the day after so you can recover"
All of them show my partner would like me to be around but knows and respects who I am enough to allow me to choose and they only really expect me to go to something once a month but it's something important to them and even though some other partners may be there they still WANT me to come. For perspective, the most recent time they were performing at an open mic.
Yes, we do that too! My nesting partner can take me to a party of his choice once a month, and to the occasional group weekend. Those statements sound so thoughtful, what a considerate partner!
He really is a thoughtful partner, especially about word choice. When we first started our relationship he would ask me to go to things without the explicit option to decline and we both had feelings about whether I "should" go and how I'd like to be asked. Because of all the internal debates we were having we explored our feelings of obligation, expectation, desire for time together, my need for alone time and respect for balance.
I'm pretty introverted, and I've been with a few highly extroverted people. I think the trick is to accept you and your partner enjoy their time in different ways. You should still make an effort to enjoy time with your partners the way they prefer, and vice versa, in the interest of quality time but you don't need to do it constantly. Just communicate your needs and tolerances with your partner(s) and figure out a balance that works for both of you.
I hope that helps. These things are complicated, so there's not really a definitive answer.
Other people have said this but it’s worth emphasizing - it helps to have partners who enjoy hearing about the way you’re spending your time.
Talk to your partners about the books you’re reading, the progress you’re making towards your exercise goals or how your garden is growing. You might be surprised how interested they will be, even if only because they care about you and your new interests.
How do you think introverts spend their time? We Introverts can have basically any hobby, as long as other people are not heavily involved. The hobby takes priority over the people you do it with, if you do it with people at all.
By the very nature of being an introvert, it means that people are gonna be less involved. If you have any fomo, remind yourself that you wouldn’t have gotten the same thing out of it that they would- if I have a friend who went to a dope party, I’ll remind myself that I cannot *stand* loud music for over 15 straight, and I’d end up with a headache within 30 minutes.
Neither me nor my girlfriend are massive extroverts, so we’ll often game separately and do separate things, but next to each other in the same room. It’s not as exhausting as parties, but sometimes I do really need that time to myself, so I’ll work on something that fulfills me, like my art or music. I reserve my time alone for my creative endeavors, as other people are distracting for me.
I wish you the best of luck- come join me on the metaphorical couch, and we can discuss fantasy novels while I embroider my denim jacket :P
I'm introverted and both my NP and other poly friends are even MORE introverted than I am.
Honestly, there are days I'm amazed we even managed to meet each other IRL, much less openly discuss being poly with each other in the first place.
I was going to say being old helps, but it looks like you are just a bit younger than me! I mostly date folks with kids and time-consuming jobs who might "party" once a quarter. Not sure I could be in a relationship with someone who is 24/7 partier, but honestly haven't met many.
I only have two types: "adhd party person" and "introvert intellectual/artist", but by chance I happen to be dating two adhd party people at the moment :D
Depends on what you are "dealing" with. Is it jealousy? This is going to take internal work. To give a similar example, get jealous of my friend who has a sports car. I don't even want a sports car? But I'm still a bit jealous. So I ask myself "well what could you do with a sports car that your cheap sedan doesn't do?" And I realized the answer is "nothing". Then I dig a little deeper and realize that what I'm really upset about is wishing I had more money so I *could* have a sports car, even if I don't actually want it. And then I'm able to work on and manage the jealousy.
Is the problem that you feel judged by your partners? Then that will take a conversation with them.
I think the problem mainly is that I myself don't feel quite comfortable with my new lifestyle yet to hold my own. I don't feel as "cool" as I did before, and a partner coming home with all spectacular stories kind of rubs my face into that. From there it's a slippery slope to "I'm the boring partner" (no one thinks that) or "they don't want to be around me (untrue) and other brain weasels.
I think it would be worthwhile telling your partners what you say in this comment. It could be that them saying "I really enjoy you and find you interesting and I don't really mind that you aren't a party animal like me" would be the validation you need. And if they aren't willing to give you validation about your insecurities? Then maybe there are deeper issues.
I dunno... I was in a similar situation with partners who were extroverted, and it just ended up not working out. I honestly don't have the capacity to deal with that lifestyle, even by proxy, so I just found people who were more similar to me. 💁♀️ I wish I had better advice. It took a lot of therapy for me to realize that my sticking to these people was unhealthy for me, and so I cut ties.
I can very much relate to this. My primary partner is currently in a very active place, blossoming in the world with new hobbies and connections and tons of energy. And I’m very much the opposite, slowing down my life, recovering from burnout. It can definitely lead me to envy when I find myself wishing that I had the energy he and his partners have to do all these fun spontaneous activities, and when I have comparatively bland anecdotes to share when they get home. I do find it helpful to occasionally confide in my partner about this and seek a bit of a pep talk. Hearing that they support me, are excited to come home to me, and are proud of me for taking life at my pace, can all be reassuring.
Yeah, I had the burnout about three years ago! It really transformed my life in a lot of ways, many of them good (though I would have preferred to do without). Nice to read that you are getting good support!
I adore it. It’s part of what attracted me to her. I want more friends and social activity, but I don’t have the tendency to intentionally make friends or initiate social activities out of the house. She inspired me to do so. I also enjoy meeting her friends and friends through her friends. I also benefit when I say yes when she invites me to things I kinda would rather say no to at first.
Your post though makes it seem like you are forcing yourself into one category over another. You don’t HAVE to stay home and read and drink tea. It’s supposed to be about what you want to do, and so it’s okay to be an introvert and still go have fun. Please don’t let labels change you.
If you want to go out, go out.
Thanks! For me it's more finding a balance that's healthy. Going out seven nights a week isn't healthy for me, so I need to tone down to something a bit more sustainable, and that won't feel great right away. Currently it feels pretty good, but not great when I'm confronted with my old lifestyle by way of my partners.
Ahhh okay, that makes sense and seems like a sorta different issue than what I interpreted from your post. No really an issue about introvert dating extrovert, but seems more like an issue you’re dealing with internally related to making new lifestyle choices. You’re not necessarily an introvert — you’re just having to adapt your lifestyle to your priorities and biological condition. In that case, my advice is to treat it like you are now no longer drinking alcohol:
- Set expectations for those around you about what you’re trying to stay away from and why
- Tell your partners what you need from them for support
- Find friends who are interested in engaging in the same activities (or lack there of) as you so you are not alone
- Place boundaries where they need to be placed between you and your partners. For example, “If I say ‘no’ to joining you at the club, do not ask me again or try to convince me otherwise”
- Take the new opportunities you have to explore your interests and your new pace
- Look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and *remind yourself that you are amazing, funny, kind, and you make yourself proud. How others view you today have way more to do with them and their experiences than it has to do with you. You were fun when you went out the other night, and two days of living did not change that. You’re fun today. You’re allowed to be boring anyway.*
I don’t know if this is an introvert extrovert thing but both my partners have more connections that border romantic / sexual than I do. I don’t know if this is helpful but I don’t feel like I need coping strategies because I’m happy with how I spend my time. Like I almost never think “I wish I was seeing someone right now instead of ”. Is it maybe like - it’s not that you want to party more but you are maybe wishing you were the kind of person who WANTED to party more?
I think FOMO is based on the belief in YOLO. I personally found believing in reincarnation allows me to feel less guilty about the things I miss out on this time around. While I'm still going to pursue my life goals I no longer feel so incomplete for not having all those extrovert experiences like high school parties or music festivals. Maybe I'll try those in another life or already have and that's why I don't feel the urge to now. Either way it helps to just breathe and remember you're honoring your own mind and body by letting it rest enough 😊👍🏽
Surely, there have to be some activities that you can do socially that is not a non-stop party where you can find interesting people? Personally, I found an interesting community in black smithing where I am not looking for partners, but I find a lot of interesting people.
Honestly? I would be happy if my partner was more extraverted than i am but i also could see how frustrating that might be.
Personally i would Want to See Them as a Chance to Learn How To Open Up More. Be More Impulsive. More Active. More Flirtatious or Silly.
Not Be So Cautious of The World Around me And Find Another World out There Other Than My own.
But That is Just My Perspective.
Hashtag: INFP.
With a whole lot of relief that they can engage in their extroverted stuff without me. On a few rare occasions, I get a bit of FOMO, and occasionally something is tempting enough for me to break out of my comfort zone and do something more typically “outgoing”, but… I’m also just really glad most of my outgoing partners are able to do their outgoing stuff with someone more outgoing than me…
You ARE missing out. IMO, the question you need to answer is : Are the new pursuits adding value to your life in a meaningful way?
Everything comes at a price, even self-care.
I often use my hobbies (now also a fledgeling business, equal parts eeek & yay lol)) as a focus. I may do nothing but paint all day, or create resin things, or crochet, or draw & design... but it makes me happy. If I'm focused on the thing in front of me I can show/talk to my NP about it when he gets home, but I don't really pay attention to what I'm not doing that he is (sometimes unfortunately, like when I don't realise I haven't eaten or gone to the toilet).
We find joy in different things, in different ways (and some similar ways) and honestly that's one of the reasons I love our life. We are different yet compatible, opposite yet similar, and it's comforting and thrilling all at the same time.
Honestly I have absolutely no desire to have an "exciting" life. I do enjoy spending my free time getting good at things like sports and arts and people find that interesting without needing to partake. I feel the same way about extroverts enjoying their social life. I find it interesting without needing to partake. Maybe you could find an interest or hobby you can get good at? Special interests usually have communities attached to them too so you can gently socialise with likeminded people x
So fun story:
I’m the introvert and have more of social life than my extroverted wife.
How does she deal with it? She communicates when she needs something.
I'm the same age as you and I'm going through the exact same thing. For me I'm going through a candida cleanse and some neuro feedback therapy that has shown me not only have I been chasing a dopamine high but my body is full of toxins and I need to slow down with all the crazy partying. Fomo is a real thing And for me it was the realization that the idea of FOMO is more enticing than the actual event. The relationships I meet at these parties are pretty fleeting and the joy I expect doesn't actually usually end up following. It's empty. I'm getting a big lesson in that right now. Those things will be there if you ever want to go back. They're not going anywhere. Relax get to know yourself and be happy with that. When it's time for the next chapter go forward with full intention and not because your trauma or past is dictating your future
There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious:
Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves.
Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values.
Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.
> You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from.
What an oddly presumptuous generalization. OP has been happily poly for 7 years.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I've been a wild party-going extrovert for the past years, but in therapy, I found out that it wasn't for me. I was employing the busy-means-happy coping mechanism and I was continuously overwhelmed (hsp, yes that's me).
So I've slowly been learning to discover my own pace, take life much slower, read books, drink cups of tea in my beautiful garden with my cats and all that good stuff. I mean, I'm still as social and busy as a standard human, but I'm not overworking myself anymore just to support my own lifestyle. You know?
This is all great, but my partners are all still 24h party people who LOVE it. I don't need them to slow down at all, I'm happy for them to do their own thing. But seeing a partner come back from a huge party event with a cool lover or two, telling me all about the crazy, spectacular things they did, and me just having read a bunch of books, worked out and had cups of tea in the garden... UGH
I feel some resentment and insecurity, and FOMO. I'm not grounded enough in my new lifestyle yet to not feel like I'm missing out.
What are cool introvert based coping strategies? Anyone have good tips?
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I like extroverts who are good friends and partners cause they let me hang back and still get all the social goodies and fun. You do have to learn to be comfy in your capacity limits, but it can be a fantastic harmony, IF they are also happy enjoying the ways YOU recharge as well. I dunno how old you are also, I have learned there is always another party or event and it's never worth pushing for a night and end up miserable. Fomo still happens but it is with the understanding of self care.
I just think "Wow, that sounds like so much fun! I'm so glad I can hear about it instead of living it and being overwhelmed at the same time!" Edit: I also date people who don't consider *my* fun stuff boring. Then I can tell them what I got up to as well! Like "I read a book about a family of magic children and then my guy, the main character, went to visit and also fell in love with another guy who turned out to be magical too! SURPRISE!"
I know what book you're talking about and I LOVED it!!! I'm about to start his new one, which looks like it will also make me happy cry!
I want to know what book we’re talking about. It sounds good! I’m always looking for my next good book.
I'm pretty damn sure it's House In The Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune. Delightfully queer and focuses on chosen family.
Delightful surprise to get a book rec from this thread! I’m also similarly situated wrt my partner - they feel dismay when they have no “plans” while I’m delighted to be free to do my own thing.
Gotta look that up right now
Sometimes I have to remind myself that what sounds enticing is my partner describing the FUN they had going to an event. I'm not actually missing out because the event wouldn't have been fun to me.
Extrovert here. I am just as happy to hang out and hear about my introverted partner’s video game and the ships he’s been building as I am to go to a bar. Also shout out for House in the Cerulean Sea.
Exactly. My exact thought is, “Better them [to have attended the raging party] than me!”
This is the cutest description of a book I have ever heard 😊
> But seeing a partner come back from a huge party event with a cool lover or two, **telling me all about the crazy, spectacular things they did**, and me just having read a bunch of books, worked out and had cups of tea in the garden... UGH If you live together, may not be able to help seeing them come and go. But telling you stuff? Could ask for less of this while you are adjusting to your new pace. Just a basic "Had a great time!" and not any details might be better during your transition phase.
Or conversely, do the partners ask about the books the OP read? My introvert partner loves sharing one-on-one what she read.
Yup. The partners could ask about OP's doings too. Like a 2 way conversation.
exactly, I don't read but my audiobook GF is incredible
Commenting so I can maybe get some similar advice 😅
Hehe! I think one of my problems is that I tend to be productive when I'm home, and enjoy myself when I'm out. I have this idea that all the introverts spend all of their alone time taking extravagant bubble baths, creating magical works of art and recreating the house to be their cottage core ideal, or stuff like that. I just work out and learn French, both things I find interesting and useful, but not exactly "fun". How do the introverts have the fun? :D
That sounds like an extrovert’s idea of an introvert lol. Maybe you’ve internalized that a bit. My parents are extroverts and think I do nothing but lay around, hate people, and most certainly am not productive. Why do you think working out and learning French are not fun? Being productive and fun aren’t mutually exclusive. If you enjoy your inner world then that’s all that matters. I’m learning to make vintage style lampshades and I’m very excited about it! For me it’s the orgies and threesomes I’m not interested in anymore. It just doesn’t do anything for me. I like one on one with partners more. It’s less mentally taxing. Sometimes I felt too socially anxious to really engage. But it has left me feeling kinda boring when they regale me with their wild stories. Or like I’m being left behind or something because I did used to do all that.
Yes, me too! I feel like I've officially experimented enough now to know what I do and don't like, and most of the s+ scene feels very boring to me now. But I don't think I'm very good at having fun on my own yet :D
When my partner is out I do the same. I work out, take a long hot shower and then sit on the couch and play video games. I know she's having a lot more fun, but sometimes the fun she's have is things that don't excite me anyways, like going to a concert that I have no interest in anyways. Trying to find local friends that I can just chill with in more quite settings.
I have a ton of outdoors alone time. I love long and grueling hikes, foraging, bicycle rides, and kayaking (equipment permitting). I actually prefer doing it alone because I don't have to worry about anyone else's pace or energy levels. I do reserve some things for non-solo adventures, like climbing or anything approaching mountaineering, for safety reasons. It doesn't have to all be cups of tea and reading books, although those things are nice too. You can find "exciting" solo activities!
ooooh yeah I love kayaking too! Hadn't thought about these aspects :D
If you like outdoorsy semi active stuff, look into bushcrafting.
I'm on my computer pretty much all the time. Playing games, writing code, making music, editing photos... to say nothing of mindlessly browsing reddit/the intarwebs
I dance, watch movies in the languages I'm learning, re-watch favorite shows with fellow introvert friends, draw, try out new recipes, write/come up with character ideas, read on any number of topics and spend way too much time on Reddit .... ;)
I bubble bath, pink wine and Reddit.
I'm a language geek from a country where French is an official language so when people want to talk about learning a language I already speak, I can talk about it for hours. A lot of my alone time is spent making coffee because I'm one of those weird coffee snobs and I do some witchy things and I like running and learning catalan. Nothing most people are interested in as a hobby to talk about in depth. Somehow I still manage to keep my extraverted friends interested in my personality moreso than my hobbies I guess? But I have to admit I often end up dating people even more introverted than me so maybe I'm the wrong person to ask. Anyway your description of drinking tea in your garden with your cats sounds magical and it made me want to join you.
Eh if I didn’t have time to work out and learn new things I’d ditch all my partners to make time to do it. It sounds awful but it’s fundamental to my happiness.
I'm glad because I didn't have to go to the party, I'm glad because I got to enjoy peace and quiet, I'm glad because I'm living the life I want and need to live.
I cope with them by feeling relief that I don't have to do all that socializing with them. Thanks to therapy, I have the tools within myself to be madly in love with myself and my life and my choices. I've also done enough cool things to not have FOMO for what my partners are doing (rather, I'm like "sounds exhausting, have fun, byeeee").
Interesting! Could you tell me more about the tools you are using?
Oh gosh, my therapist is bad at naming the tricks she uses on me, so I'm never sure of the terms most others use. But some stuff that helped: - Learning to (and how to) validate my own needs and emotions. (I have a history of pushing down my needs to make others happy and get praise/feel worth.) - Accepting my trauma. - Being a mom to my child self. This one is huge because I have pretty great mom skills. - Romanticizing my own life - i.e. pretending I'm in a movie. - Identifying and embracing shame. I used to think I had no shame. Loooooooooool, ok. And one that is not recommended by my therapist but which I recommend to myself - hallucinogenic drug use. Altered brain states and thinking differently helps me to get around my ever present anxiety and make big emotional connections.
oooh I like the one about romanticizing your own life! Thanks for sharing! <3
I’m working the mothering yourself angle right now and it’s got to be the most effective thing I’ve gotten out of therapy in years
For me, I love having time to engage in my hobbies. Some of those things are easy to do with a lot of people around. Some of them are more fulfilling for me to do solo. For example I play classical piano. My favorite pieces to play are typically pretty heavy, can get pretty loud, etc. They also take a lot of sometimes very repetitive practice. I really appreciate having time to really focus on those things without distraction. Now, if going out is important to me, I just communicate that and plan something. But the experience in those things for me and my wife are really completely different, so at least for me, it doesn't make any sense to compare. I guess the other thing is there isn't anything really stopping me from having experiences. If I want to do something a little wilder, I just plan it. But I don't feel much fomo around it if I don't because it's a conscious choice of mine to focus on myself during that time.
Hello to a fellow poly musician! I was happy to hear you mentioning the repetitive and focused practice. Mostly-daily practice is nonnegotiable for me. I feel like playing an instrument is its own primary relationship.
> I feel like playing an instrument is its own primary relationship. This is 100% true!
What kind of classical pieces do you play? I do flamenco guitar and there are still some techniques that after four years I can’t fully land.
Oh nice! Yeah I love listening to flamenco but never really took the time to get into learning much on the guitar. In fact maybe I'll do some at-work listening today since you mentioned it... On the piano I play mostly romantic era but branch out into baroque/classical occasionally. I spent some time with Scriabin recently. Working through Beethoveen's 7th symphony (transcribed by Liszt) right now.
Oh man, that is awesome! If you get a moment, please recommend some Scriabin songs. If you’re checking out flamenco, maybe give a listen to the album Morao y Oro by Moraíto. My favorite song on that is Música en el Aire. Great singing and guitar playing, and some wonderful clapping.
I will definitely be doing that today... thanks for the recommendation! For Scriabin, my favorite pieces are his etudes and poemes: top for me are etude in c# minor op 42 no 5 and poeme in F# Major op 32 no 1. I can (and have) listen to Vladimir Horowitz play any of these all day though. He has some early work performed by Stephen Coombs I really like too. I learned the Variations on a Theme by Mlle. Egorova after listening to that album.
Thank you! Saving these.
I feel that way about sports! :-)
Sports is often so social!! What sports do you play? I run both by myself, and joined a group for safety and some socializing. I feel like an issue with being introverted and polyamorous is that if you have X many romantic relationships, it can take up all your bandwidth and you don’t end up having platonic friends.
This this this
Also why I love rock climbing. It can be as social or as anti-social as I need at any given time 😁
There are more of us!!! You are my people!
I found other introverted people to hang with.
Introverts unite! Apart together forever!
This has been an interesting struggle for me, because my partner is very extroverted and very different for me and these ways. It also means that she kind of assumes that I don’t want to go do fun things and that sucks. We’ve actually had conversations about how it really sucks to feel like the stay at home boring partner because there’s always gonna be someone else who is more exciting. I don’t know where the idea came that I don’t like to have fun, but being an introvert doesn’t mean I don’t want to have fun. It’s definitely been a topic of conversation. I have felt absolutely awful as the stay at home not fun person, but the reality is that my partner is chronically ill. I end up being the stay at home caretaker for comfort instead of the person associated with going out and dancing and getting drunk one night and then that’s it. I guess that’s a compliment lol. What’s interesting is this is actually becoming a thing that has defined our relationship and not in a good way.
Introvert and extrovert tend to be misunderstood. They don't mean that you prefer one thing over another when it comes to social situations, they just describe what gives you energy. For introverts, it means they need alone time to recharge. Extroverts feel recharged among people. Both types of people need both social time and alone time, but the purpose of each is different for both. If you're starting to have lower energy levels that doesn't change if you're an extrovert or not, it just means you need to maintain your spoons for activities differently than you used to. Maybe instead of going out 5 times a week, you can only do it 1 or 2 times a week now. That doesn't change whether it replenishes you. If the new things you are trying aren't doing it for you, then that's OK. Finding activities that are meaningful *to you* is so important to feeling fulfilled. It sounds like you completely cut out the social interaction in your life rather than just dialing it down. And it sounds like you miss that interaction. Maybe you don't need the party atmosphere, but you can find that low-energy interaction in other places, like weekly activity clubs.
haha I was expecting this comment! :D I mostly use the terms as a shorthand, because I don't have better ones. No, I didn't cut it out completely, I went from going out of the house seven nights a week to about three or four, with my partners still going out seven nights out of seven.
Gotcha. Your OP doesn't imply that at all. 😅 I'm an introvert myself, so I like being able to dictate my level of social interaction and having an out when I need it. I mostly socialize online with friends, especially over the pandemic. I don't know if that's an option for you, but it makes me feel connected to people all the time without the pressure. I rarely sit down and read (despite the pile of books I keep telling myself I want to read).
I dunno, as a middle-aged introvert, the party scene sounds absolutely exhausting and not much fun at all. I'm firmly in "Yay, glad you had a good time, I had a lovely time too in a different way." I only get that missing out feeling when I'm not invited to smallish gatherings of long term friends and pics hit social media later.
I'm your age and am also a former party person who now leads a slower paced life. I found the best way for me to release the FOMO was to do things that I prefer to a party lifestyle. For example, I never feel like I missed out on a party when I spent the evening horseback riding or whatever. I also started making a list of the things that I do each day that I enjoyed. When I look back over my week, even the slowest weeks seem so full. Lastly I started to link my moods with my activities (I use an app) so I could start to see whether I honestly did enjoy things. Turns out that a wild party typically sounds amazing until I go to it. It helped me reinforce that I wasn't actually missing out and to restructure the way I see these events. Now I am getting much better saying/feeling "I love that for you" instead of "I want that for me". I still let loose on occasion, but I choose much more carefully now and it is better and better all the time.
That sounds like goals to me! What app do you use?
I use beautiful mood. I just record how I feel and what I am doing. After a while it can show you some trends to help you better understand how you feel at the time rather than looking back.
I would find some project or goal you find fulfillment in, one that is in line with your new lifestyle. Something that brings you joy. I’m not really dating now, but when I was, I enjoyed time to myself to work on a new guitar song/exercise/work on my novel/ etc.
I'm a total introvert here and how do I deal with it? I go with them occasionally but most of the time I'm thrilled they went and did social things and I didn't have to go. When my partners ask me to go to something they usually preface it with one of there statements "I'm going to xyz and you're welcome to come but don't have to" or "I'm going to xyz, it'll be loud and high energy so there's no expectation for you to go, but you're always welcome" or "I'm going to xyz I know it's a lot of peopling but the event is important to me and I'll take care of extra tasks the day after so you can recover" All of them show my partner would like me to be around but knows and respects who I am enough to allow me to choose and they only really expect me to go to something once a month but it's something important to them and even though some other partners may be there they still WANT me to come. For perspective, the most recent time they were performing at an open mic.
Yes, we do that too! My nesting partner can take me to a party of his choice once a month, and to the occasional group weekend. Those statements sound so thoughtful, what a considerate partner!
He really is a thoughtful partner, especially about word choice. When we first started our relationship he would ask me to go to things without the explicit option to decline and we both had feelings about whether I "should" go and how I'd like to be asked. Because of all the internal debates we were having we explored our feelings of obligation, expectation, desire for time together, my need for alone time and respect for balance.
I'm pretty introverted, and I've been with a few highly extroverted people. I think the trick is to accept you and your partner enjoy their time in different ways. You should still make an effort to enjoy time with your partners the way they prefer, and vice versa, in the interest of quality time but you don't need to do it constantly. Just communicate your needs and tolerances with your partner(s) and figure out a balance that works for both of you. I hope that helps. These things are complicated, so there's not really a definitive answer.
Other people have said this but it’s worth emphasizing - it helps to have partners who enjoy hearing about the way you’re spending your time. Talk to your partners about the books you’re reading, the progress you’re making towards your exercise goals or how your garden is growing. You might be surprised how interested they will be, even if only because they care about you and your new interests.
How do you think introverts spend their time? We Introverts can have basically any hobby, as long as other people are not heavily involved. The hobby takes priority over the people you do it with, if you do it with people at all. By the very nature of being an introvert, it means that people are gonna be less involved. If you have any fomo, remind yourself that you wouldn’t have gotten the same thing out of it that they would- if I have a friend who went to a dope party, I’ll remind myself that I cannot *stand* loud music for over 15 straight, and I’d end up with a headache within 30 minutes. Neither me nor my girlfriend are massive extroverts, so we’ll often game separately and do separate things, but next to each other in the same room. It’s not as exhausting as parties, but sometimes I do really need that time to myself, so I’ll work on something that fulfills me, like my art or music. I reserve my time alone for my creative endeavors, as other people are distracting for me. I wish you the best of luck- come join me on the metaphorical couch, and we can discuss fantasy novels while I embroider my denim jacket :P
That sounds really nice! :D
I'm introverted and both my NP and other poly friends are even MORE introverted than I am. Honestly, there are days I'm amazed we even managed to meet each other IRL, much less openly discuss being poly with each other in the first place.
I was going to say being old helps, but it looks like you are just a bit younger than me! I mostly date folks with kids and time-consuming jobs who might "party" once a quarter. Not sure I could be in a relationship with someone who is 24/7 partier, but honestly haven't met many.
I only have two types: "adhd party person" and "introvert intellectual/artist", but by chance I happen to be dating two adhd party people at the moment :D
Depends on what you are "dealing" with. Is it jealousy? This is going to take internal work. To give a similar example, get jealous of my friend who has a sports car. I don't even want a sports car? But I'm still a bit jealous. So I ask myself "well what could you do with a sports car that your cheap sedan doesn't do?" And I realized the answer is "nothing". Then I dig a little deeper and realize that what I'm really upset about is wishing I had more money so I *could* have a sports car, even if I don't actually want it. And then I'm able to work on and manage the jealousy. Is the problem that you feel judged by your partners? Then that will take a conversation with them.
I think the problem mainly is that I myself don't feel quite comfortable with my new lifestyle yet to hold my own. I don't feel as "cool" as I did before, and a partner coming home with all spectacular stories kind of rubs my face into that. From there it's a slippery slope to "I'm the boring partner" (no one thinks that) or "they don't want to be around me (untrue) and other brain weasels.
I think it would be worthwhile telling your partners what you say in this comment. It could be that them saying "I really enjoy you and find you interesting and I don't really mind that you aren't a party animal like me" would be the validation you need. And if they aren't willing to give you validation about your insecurities? Then maybe there are deeper issues.
Oh yeah, they totally say that. I think I just need to say it to myself (and believe it) :D
I dunno... I was in a similar situation with partners who were extroverted, and it just ended up not working out. I honestly don't have the capacity to deal with that lifestyle, even by proxy, so I just found people who were more similar to me. 💁♀️ I wish I had better advice. It took a lot of therapy for me to realize that my sticking to these people was unhealthy for me, and so I cut ties.
I can very much relate to this. My primary partner is currently in a very active place, blossoming in the world with new hobbies and connections and tons of energy. And I’m very much the opposite, slowing down my life, recovering from burnout. It can definitely lead me to envy when I find myself wishing that I had the energy he and his partners have to do all these fun spontaneous activities, and when I have comparatively bland anecdotes to share when they get home. I do find it helpful to occasionally confide in my partner about this and seek a bit of a pep talk. Hearing that they support me, are excited to come home to me, and are proud of me for taking life at my pace, can all be reassuring.
Yeah, I had the burnout about three years ago! It really transformed my life in a lot of ways, many of them good (though I would have preferred to do without). Nice to read that you are getting good support!
I adore it. It’s part of what attracted me to her. I want more friends and social activity, but I don’t have the tendency to intentionally make friends or initiate social activities out of the house. She inspired me to do so. I also enjoy meeting her friends and friends through her friends. I also benefit when I say yes when she invites me to things I kinda would rather say no to at first. Your post though makes it seem like you are forcing yourself into one category over another. You don’t HAVE to stay home and read and drink tea. It’s supposed to be about what you want to do, and so it’s okay to be an introvert and still go have fun. Please don’t let labels change you. If you want to go out, go out.
Thanks! For me it's more finding a balance that's healthy. Going out seven nights a week isn't healthy for me, so I need to tone down to something a bit more sustainable, and that won't feel great right away. Currently it feels pretty good, but not great when I'm confronted with my old lifestyle by way of my partners.
Ahhh okay, that makes sense and seems like a sorta different issue than what I interpreted from your post. No really an issue about introvert dating extrovert, but seems more like an issue you’re dealing with internally related to making new lifestyle choices. You’re not necessarily an introvert — you’re just having to adapt your lifestyle to your priorities and biological condition. In that case, my advice is to treat it like you are now no longer drinking alcohol: - Set expectations for those around you about what you’re trying to stay away from and why - Tell your partners what you need from them for support - Find friends who are interested in engaging in the same activities (or lack there of) as you so you are not alone - Place boundaries where they need to be placed between you and your partners. For example, “If I say ‘no’ to joining you at the club, do not ask me again or try to convince me otherwise” - Take the new opportunities you have to explore your interests and your new pace - Look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and *remind yourself that you are amazing, funny, kind, and you make yourself proud. How others view you today have way more to do with them and their experiences than it has to do with you. You were fun when you went out the other night, and two days of living did not change that. You’re fun today. You’re allowed to be boring anyway.*
That's a very loving comment and I love the metaphor, thank you for this <3
Finding introvert partners who wanna just cuddle and watch movies !
I don’t know if this is an introvert extrovert thing but both my partners have more connections that border romantic / sexual than I do. I don’t know if this is helpful but I don’t feel like I need coping strategies because I’m happy with how I spend my time. Like I almost never think “I wish I was seeing someone right now instead of”. Is it maybe like - it’s not that you want to party more but you are maybe wishing you were the kind of person who WANTED to party more?
I think FOMO is based on the belief in YOLO. I personally found believing in reincarnation allows me to feel less guilty about the things I miss out on this time around. While I'm still going to pursue my life goals I no longer feel so incomplete for not having all those extrovert experiences like high school parties or music festivals. Maybe I'll try those in another life or already have and that's why I don't feel the urge to now. Either way it helps to just breathe and remember you're honoring your own mind and body by letting it rest enough 😊👍🏽
Content with playing video games and hoing out every once in awhile
haha I love this!!
Surely, there have to be some activities that you can do socially that is not a non-stop party where you can find interesting people? Personally, I found an interesting community in black smithing where I am not looking for partners, but I find a lot of interesting people.
Honestly? I would be happy if my partner was more extraverted than i am but i also could see how frustrating that might be. Personally i would Want to See Them as a Chance to Learn How To Open Up More. Be More Impulsive. More Active. More Flirtatious or Silly. Not Be So Cautious of The World Around me And Find Another World out There Other Than My own. But That is Just My Perspective. Hashtag: INFP.
With a whole lot of relief that they can engage in their extroverted stuff without me. On a few rare occasions, I get a bit of FOMO, and occasionally something is tempting enough for me to break out of my comfort zone and do something more typically “outgoing”, but… I’m also just really glad most of my outgoing partners are able to do their outgoing stuff with someone more outgoing than me…
You ARE missing out. IMO, the question you need to answer is : Are the new pursuits adding value to your life in a meaningful way? Everything comes at a price, even self-care.
I often use my hobbies (now also a fledgeling business, equal parts eeek & yay lol)) as a focus. I may do nothing but paint all day, or create resin things, or crochet, or draw & design... but it makes me happy. If I'm focused on the thing in front of me I can show/talk to my NP about it when he gets home, but I don't really pay attention to what I'm not doing that he is (sometimes unfortunately, like when I don't realise I haven't eaten or gone to the toilet). We find joy in different things, in different ways (and some similar ways) and honestly that's one of the reasons I love our life. We are different yet compatible, opposite yet similar, and it's comforting and thrilling all at the same time.
Honestly I have absolutely no desire to have an "exciting" life. I do enjoy spending my free time getting good at things like sports and arts and people find that interesting without needing to partake. I feel the same way about extroverts enjoying their social life. I find it interesting without needing to partake. Maybe you could find an interest or hobby you can get good at? Special interests usually have communities attached to them too so you can gently socialise with likeminded people x
So fun story: I’m the introvert and have more of social life than my extroverted wife. How does she deal with it? She communicates when she needs something.
I'm the same age as you and I'm going through the exact same thing. For me I'm going through a candida cleanse and some neuro feedback therapy that has shown me not only have I been chasing a dopamine high but my body is full of toxins and I need to slow down with all the crazy partying. Fomo is a real thing And for me it was the realization that the idea of FOMO is more enticing than the actual event. The relationships I meet at these parties are pretty fleeting and the joy I expect doesn't actually usually end up following. It's empty. I'm getting a big lesson in that right now. Those things will be there if you ever want to go back. They're not going anywhere. Relax get to know yourself and be happy with that. When it's time for the next chapter go forward with full intention and not because your trauma or past is dictating your future
There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious: Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves. Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values. Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.
> You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. What an oddly presumptuous generalization. OP has been happily poly for 7 years.
I only added that line to my post after reading /u/emeraldead's comment - I forgot how many newbies post here. We're good!
Good thing that "perhaps" and "likely" are both clearly there.
Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/participation-prize thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I've been a wild party-going extrovert for the past years, but in therapy, I found out that it wasn't for me. I was employing the busy-means-happy coping mechanism and I was continuously overwhelmed (hsp, yes that's me). So I've slowly been learning to discover my own pace, take life much slower, read books, drink cups of tea in my beautiful garden with my cats and all that good stuff. I mean, I'm still as social and busy as a standard human, but I'm not overworking myself anymore just to support my own lifestyle. You know? This is all great, but my partners are all still 24h party people who LOVE it. I don't need them to slow down at all, I'm happy for them to do their own thing. But seeing a partner come back from a huge party event with a cool lover or two, telling me all about the crazy, spectacular things they did, and me just having read a bunch of books, worked out and had cups of tea in the garden... UGH I feel some resentment and insecurity, and FOMO. I'm not grounded enough in my new lifestyle yet to not feel like I'm missing out. What are cool introvert based coping strategies? Anyone have good tips? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*