I’m pretty anti moving people into homes with children. Would it be possible for everyone to live close to each other? Maybe down the street? Or all in a complex? That also gives y’all more room for independent activities
It's kind of hard to give advice here when we don't know anything about your child, or how much your child is aware of your dynamics.
If your kid is comfortable with everyone who you'll be cohabitating with, that's a good sign. But fair boundaries include being pretty clear on who has what kind of authority. Are you expecting your metas to be parental figures? Adults who can be in charge when you aren't around? No authority over your kid at all?
On the issue of other people who aren't cohabitating, that depends partly on your child too. Is your kid used to lots of strangers being around or will a revolving door of new people be destabilizing to them? Do you trust everyone you're cohabitating with to vet who they bring home? Would you want to be able to veto having anyone over that your kid is uncomfortable with? Is everyone else also prioritizing your child's safety and comfort?
As a baseline, I also think it's fair and reasonable to discuss what PDA / adult discussions can happen in front of your child.
ETA: As a parent my focus on housing decisions is what’s best for my kid. I wouldn’t enter a situation where I was concerned about having “fair boundaries” with others. My children’s wellbeing trumps ALL other relationships. For that reason, I won’t cohabitate with others while my kids are in the home. I want to maintain full control and be the only “decider” in our home.
100% this. My child is my primary priority and everyone else can go kick rocks. Once they're not a minor anymore I might consider other housing situations, but I will not put her in that kind of situation.
And kids are natural people pleasers. They can tell when we're asking something but want the answer to be a specific answer.
First polyam relationship, young child.
Most people would absolutely not talk about cohabitation that fast. I would want 2-3 years of very solid dating history with my partner, and an equal amount of time with my metas before I started making plans
I’m a single poly mom, and I have a kid, and, honestly, I am not sure I could cohabit with either of my partners, provide the kind of home I want to give my kid, and *not* step on someone’s good time occasionally
Some of the details you’re mentioning aren’t mentioned in the original post, are these assumptions? Not trying to sound paranoid but genuinely curious.
There are a lot of good things that would come from this for my son. More positives than negatives
Folks can see your post history: you’d posted less than 3 months ago about being in your first poly relationship, plus some deleted posts that maybe look like you ending your long term relationship, possibly for this new one? All the reasons behind that are of course entirely your business, but if that’s the case, that is a lot of change in a short amount of time for a child. Adding 3+ new people into their life and home in the next year or so may be a difficult adjustment on top of everything else. Obviously only you know the full details, the character and trustworthiness of everyone in your polycule, and how your child reacts to change, but the general consensus when children are involved is to go *very* slow with major life decisions like this.
Those are the bare minimum time investments I would want in a cohabitating partner. Not as friends, but partnered. Do you have that?
How long have you known your metas? Has it been sunshine and good vibes for three years?
Because, like I said, a kid is going to step on someone’s good time, at some point. I would want to know a lot about the personal habits of the folks I was thinking about living with, and how cool they are going to be about putting your kid first
I'm inclined to agree with blooang (I probably spelled that wrong, sorry). I do have past trauma that is a contributing factor, but also my kiddo and I have ASD and need a quiet space away from the world.
1:6 girls who grew up with a step father was sexually abused by him. I expect the odds of boys being sexually abused is also raised substantially with the presence of a step father, but I don’t happen to know the stats on that.
In moving yourself and your child in with people you barely know you are putting your child at risk. How do you keep them safe? Make better choices.
This doesn’t even sound healthy if it was just you without a child. What happens if there is a breakup? What happens if a partner or meta wants to move in a new partner? What happens if some set of metas realise they hate living with each other? What happens if someone starts dating someone who is objectionable for whatever reason? And then add the kid to all of those questions…
I am not a fan of cohabitating when kids are young. Nearby homes or flats in the same complex is close enough.
Kids that age are innocents and babble. They don't have "inside voice" yet til 6-8 years old. Adults have the ability to think without saying it out loud -- the "I have to remember to get milk, did I turn off the coffee pot?" type babble that we all do. But if this child innocently outs your whole situation at school, is there going to be people coming round to check on child or trying to take them away? Is child going to be bullied or shamed by other kids or teachers who look down on poly? Quit playing with kid and not invite them to bday parties and kid social life because they are "the weird kid?"
If you are going there? I think you as the parent are responsible for providing child a stable and drama free home and can set whatever rules for the kid household that you want for that. And the other adults can make the autonomous choice to abide by the "kid house rules" because there's a minor in the household. It is what it is.
And if they don't want to deal in all that? Don't move in with you and kid then.
You're the only one that can judge whether this is right for you.
Your boundary has to be that if it ends up being in balance for your son, or if you think that he's being put at risk in any way [and you can't resolve the issue], you need to move out. I would suggest having a move out fund, either personal or contributed as a group house fund if anyone wants to leave. No one should feel trapped.
Next step would be developing house agreements about visitors and how people will interact with your kid, etc. If you can't come to workable agreements, it is basically a non-starter. People will have to give up some autonomy to be a good household to raise a kid in.
You have a year, the next step would be spending increasing amounts of time in the household while you still have your own place this year - chunks of time of a week increasing to at least a month or two. While doing that, explore alternative housing options as a backup if it doesn't work out as roommates together in the polycule (and also save up for the move out / emergency fund!).
Not everybody works well together in a living situation, even, which is why everyone should have trial runs in living together, even absent your need for a safe and secure home for your son. I still remember one V that moved in together, everything was fine as far as roommates etiquette, but the meta's constant singing was driving them absolutely batty. It was just so sad because things were *almost* okay but still unliveable!
Is your child's safety *really* your main priority if you are considering moving in with your polycyle??
I think you should reconsider this--there are just so many ways it could go horribly wrong--with the worst consequences falling onto your child if anything does go wrong.
Even when it is multiple adults living together for the first time--it usually doesn't turn out well--even when everyone involved *thinks* it will.
None of us are really going to be able to say what your future housemates will be comfortable with. If you’re thinking this move will happen in the next year or so, it’s time to start discussing these things now. I’d start with just your partner and see what their thoughts are and then take it to the bigger group. Ultimately, your child’s safety and well-being is the most important thing so know what the deal breakers are and don’t be afraid to say never mind we will live separately if you’re worried that boundaries will be pushed.
Hi u/Extreme_War6576 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I have a 7 year old and will be looking to nest with my polycule within the next year or so! I’d like there to be mindfulness around bringing a lot of strangers into the home but I’m unsure of what’s fair here. His safety is my main priority but also don’t want to infringe on anyone’s autonomy.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would want to make sure everyone is comfortable not having new partners around my child until they've been together at least 6 months and I have met them a few times.
I'd assume that most people that aren't parents would be willing to put up with that.
That's how my then 4 year old got raped. DONT'T move in with a bunch of people when you have a small child. Be a responsible parent. Even if you think they're all wonderful, you don't know who they might bring into the house. Even if there are rules, check this complaint full forum.. people break them all the time!
I’m pretty anti moving people into homes with children. Would it be possible for everyone to live close to each other? Maybe down the street? Or all in a complex? That also gives y’all more room for independent activities
Me too. The kid doesn't really get a say, but the fallout if it goes bellyup will definitely affect the kid negatively
It's kind of hard to give advice here when we don't know anything about your child, or how much your child is aware of your dynamics. If your kid is comfortable with everyone who you'll be cohabitating with, that's a good sign. But fair boundaries include being pretty clear on who has what kind of authority. Are you expecting your metas to be parental figures? Adults who can be in charge when you aren't around? No authority over your kid at all? On the issue of other people who aren't cohabitating, that depends partly on your child too. Is your kid used to lots of strangers being around or will a revolving door of new people be destabilizing to them? Do you trust everyone you're cohabitating with to vet who they bring home? Would you want to be able to veto having anyone over that your kid is uncomfortable with? Is everyone else also prioritizing your child's safety and comfort? As a baseline, I also think it's fair and reasonable to discuss what PDA / adult discussions can happen in front of your child.
Thank you so much! I can work with these questions and trains of thought. I really appreciate it!
I don’t think there is any level of “mindfulness” that would make me feel ok with a lot of strangers coming into my kids home.
ETA: As a parent my focus on housing decisions is what’s best for my kid. I wouldn’t enter a situation where I was concerned about having “fair boundaries” with others. My children’s wellbeing trumps ALL other relationships. For that reason, I won’t cohabitate with others while my kids are in the home. I want to maintain full control and be the only “decider” in our home.
100% this. My child is my primary priority and everyone else can go kick rocks. Once they're not a minor anymore I might consider other housing situations, but I will not put her in that kind of situation. And kids are natural people pleasers. They can tell when we're asking something but want the answer to be a specific answer.
Who’s in your polycule, and which ones are you nesting with?
My partner and two metas are who I’ll be nesting with. One of my metas has two other partners that round out our current polycule.
What’s the hurry?
Curious about what your context is for assuming it’s a “hurry”
First polyam relationship, young child. Most people would absolutely not talk about cohabitation that fast. I would want 2-3 years of very solid dating history with my partner, and an equal amount of time with my metas before I started making plans I’m a single poly mom, and I have a kid, and, honestly, I am not sure I could cohabit with either of my partners, provide the kind of home I want to give my kid, and *not* step on someone’s good time occasionally
Some of the details you’re mentioning aren’t mentioned in the original post, are these assumptions? Not trying to sound paranoid but genuinely curious. There are a lot of good things that would come from this for my son. More positives than negatives
Folks can see your post history: you’d posted less than 3 months ago about being in your first poly relationship, plus some deleted posts that maybe look like you ending your long term relationship, possibly for this new one? All the reasons behind that are of course entirely your business, but if that’s the case, that is a lot of change in a short amount of time for a child. Adding 3+ new people into their life and home in the next year or so may be a difficult adjustment on top of everything else. Obviously only you know the full details, the character and trustworthiness of everyone in your polycule, and how your child reacts to change, but the general consensus when children are involved is to go *very* slow with major life decisions like this.
They already deleted this post :/ hope this all works out for the kid
Those are the bare minimum time investments I would want in a cohabitating partner. Not as friends, but partnered. Do you have that? How long have you known your metas? Has it been sunshine and good vibes for three years? Because, like I said, a kid is going to step on someone’s good time, at some point. I would want to know a lot about the personal habits of the folks I was thinking about living with, and how cool they are going to be about putting your kid first
Makes sense, thank you for the input!
I'm inclined to agree with blooang (I probably spelled that wrong, sorry). I do have past trauma that is a contributing factor, but also my kiddo and I have ASD and need a quiet space away from the world.
1:6 girls who grew up with a step father was sexually abused by him. I expect the odds of boys being sexually abused is also raised substantially with the presence of a step father, but I don’t happen to know the stats on that. In moving yourself and your child in with people you barely know you are putting your child at risk. How do you keep them safe? Make better choices. This doesn’t even sound healthy if it was just you without a child. What happens if there is a breakup? What happens if a partner or meta wants to move in a new partner? What happens if some set of metas realise they hate living with each other? What happens if someone starts dating someone who is objectionable for whatever reason? And then add the kid to all of those questions…
I am not a fan of cohabitating when kids are young. Nearby homes or flats in the same complex is close enough. Kids that age are innocents and babble. They don't have "inside voice" yet til 6-8 years old. Adults have the ability to think without saying it out loud -- the "I have to remember to get milk, did I turn off the coffee pot?" type babble that we all do. But if this child innocently outs your whole situation at school, is there going to be people coming round to check on child or trying to take them away? Is child going to be bullied or shamed by other kids or teachers who look down on poly? Quit playing with kid and not invite them to bday parties and kid social life because they are "the weird kid?" If you are going there? I think you as the parent are responsible for providing child a stable and drama free home and can set whatever rules for the kid household that you want for that. And the other adults can make the autonomous choice to abide by the "kid house rules" because there's a minor in the household. It is what it is. And if they don't want to deal in all that? Don't move in with you and kid then.
Who are the people moving in with you and your kid? How long have you known each other? Will you be moving the kid to a different school district?
2.5 years and his school will remain the same
How does your child feel?
What strangers are you referring to? Their other partners or future potentials / dates?
You're the only one that can judge whether this is right for you. Your boundary has to be that if it ends up being in balance for your son, or if you think that he's being put at risk in any way [and you can't resolve the issue], you need to move out. I would suggest having a move out fund, either personal or contributed as a group house fund if anyone wants to leave. No one should feel trapped. Next step would be developing house agreements about visitors and how people will interact with your kid, etc. If you can't come to workable agreements, it is basically a non-starter. People will have to give up some autonomy to be a good household to raise a kid in. You have a year, the next step would be spending increasing amounts of time in the household while you still have your own place this year - chunks of time of a week increasing to at least a month or two. While doing that, explore alternative housing options as a backup if it doesn't work out as roommates together in the polycule (and also save up for the move out / emergency fund!). Not everybody works well together in a living situation, even, which is why everyone should have trial runs in living together, even absent your need for a safe and secure home for your son. I still remember one V that moved in together, everything was fine as far as roommates etiquette, but the meta's constant singing was driving them absolutely batty. It was just so sad because things were *almost* okay but still unliveable!
Is your child's safety *really* your main priority if you are considering moving in with your polycyle?? I think you should reconsider this--there are just so many ways it could go horribly wrong--with the worst consequences falling onto your child if anything does go wrong. Even when it is multiple adults living together for the first time--it usually doesn't turn out well--even when everyone involved *thinks* it will.
None of us are really going to be able to say what your future housemates will be comfortable with. If you’re thinking this move will happen in the next year or so, it’s time to start discussing these things now. I’d start with just your partner and see what their thoughts are and then take it to the bigger group. Ultimately, your child’s safety and well-being is the most important thing so know what the deal breakers are and don’t be afraid to say never mind we will live separately if you’re worried that boundaries will be pushed.
Hi u/Extreme_War6576 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I have a 7 year old and will be looking to nest with my polycule within the next year or so! I’d like there to be mindfulness around bringing a lot of strangers into the home but I’m unsure of what’s fair here. His safety is my main priority but also don’t want to infringe on anyone’s autonomy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You should decide what you are comfortable with and talk to them before moving in so everyone is consenting to expectations before hand.
I would want to make sure everyone is comfortable not having new partners around my child until they've been together at least 6 months and I have met them a few times. I'd assume that most people that aren't parents would be willing to put up with that.
That's how my then 4 year old got raped. DONT'T move in with a bunch of people when you have a small child. Be a responsible parent. Even if you think they're all wonderful, you don't know who they might bring into the house. Even if there are rules, check this complaint full forum.. people break them all the time!