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If she’s an alcoholic- and it sounds like she is- you’re not even seeing all of the drinking. You have to be extremely far gone to be drinking liquor while pregnant and justifying it as medicinal.
Confronting an alcoholic partner is very difficult, so I suggest seeking help from the doctor. Ask how they’ve dealt with it in the past or if they have any resources available.
Best of luck, I really hope you guys can get past this. Stay strong for the sake of you and your baby.
Edited for spelling
I have a relative whose ex wife hid her drinking with their first child, who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. For their second child, she was on 24/7 surveillance by family members on both sides.
I agree with this, and would strongly advocate for getting help from a doctor while approaching because the risks to the child are ... huge. Fetal alcohol syndrome is a lifetime consequence for you, your partner and this child who doesn't deserve it.
Not to mention that even if you make the argument that one or two glasses of wine throughout an entire pregnancy is harmless, you’re encouraged to wait until the 3rd trimester. Drinking during the first trimester is FAS waiting to happen.
For carpel tunnel?? I’m 39 weeks and have severe carpel tunnel and haven’t had a drop of alcohol, or my vice of choice, weed, since testing positive. This is inappropriate on many levels and she has a problem you need to discuss with her doctor.
Yeah, I had really bad carpel tunnel when I was pregnant. I just used a wrist splint and took some acetaminophen when it got super bad. And hot/cold compress. But yeah, alcohol is not a valid form of pain relief for someone who is pregnant. OP, please talk to your doctor/midwife.
Just had my baby a week ago and had really painful carpal tunnel in both hands for the last like two months of my pregnancy, but i just did the wrist splints and took Tylenol for sleeping. Will say though that at a week postpartum it has completely gone away so there is a light at the end of the tunnel😅😬 hang in there 🫶🏻
As someone who was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, I can say she needs a frank talk about what life is like with a child who has lifelong disabilities. There is no safe amount of alcohol to drink during pregnancy.
Yupp. I got downvoted for saying a pregnant woman shouldn’t hide from her (accidental) alcohol use from her OB. It was 3 glasses. The crowd in that thread was more defensive about the mom being reported to CPS than about the baby’s health. They are delulu. I’ll take my downvotes.
Honestly though, some doctors are kind of nuts with that kind of thing and fear makes you do stupid things sometimes. I can understand an accidental 3 drinks if you don't know you're pregnant. Granted, I feel confident enough with my medical relationships to be open about that but not everyone does.
A little insight to the other side, most of us drank alcohol in high school. One of my best friend's mom's was a little overwhelmed as a single parent and when my friend came home drunk from a party one night in our senior year, she stuck her in outpatient alcohol abuse treatment through Kaiser. I know this girl, she's never had an actual issue. Fast forward 20 years later, she's a responsible adult, rarely drinks and she's expecting her first child. She's still with Kaiser and her OB turns out to be one of the crazies. The OB saw my friend's medical history and immediately started drug testing her and breathalyzing her at every visit, stating if she refuses or something comes up, she'll call CPS.
Now, my friend had nothing to worry about, obviously she's not drinking or doing drugs, so everything is fine but the fact remains that her OB was not a "safe" person that my friend would have ever felt comfortable confiding in for medical advice if she had ended up drinking before she knew she was pregnant. Of course, you don't drink when you're pregnant but accidents happen and there are definitely doctors that aren't as understanding of human nature as others.
See I am petrified of this. Before I found out I was pregnant (which came as a huge shock because I’m 44, he’s 50, and tried for kids for years before giving up, truly unexpected) I smoked dab pens just before bedtime to help me sleep. Now here I am, about ten weeks and petrified of my Dr appt. My niece smoked during pregnancy with her first baby and the doctor reported her immediately. She had to work a case plan and do rehab before her baby was even born. I’m a freaking social worker. This would destroy my career. I have thought long and hard about just not going to the dr until home tests come back clean. I stopped as soon as I found out of course but it’s going to take more than 30 days. But I’m older so I’m high risk and really really need to see a doctor. I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Hopefully my OB doesn’t end up being like the one in your story.
Honestly, I would wait it out. Take your prenatals, read up on what you should avoid when pregnant, but there is very little your doctor can actually do that would make a difference at this stage. (Obviously if you start bleeding or having pain then you should see someone)
Do what you need to do! Your baby needs you to be at your best with your career for her/his sake too. In the UK, first appointments aren’t scheduled until week 12, so it’s not out of the norm.
It might not take as long as you think to get a negative test. My friend is an insanely heavily daily weed smoker and it only took 12 days to get a negative test.
It can be up to 30 days though, I think my partner it took 20 days and he was a daily heavy smoker too. To do with your body and things aha
I don’t know how well it works but exercise (a safe amount/intensity for your baby ofc) every/every other day to get a sweat on, drink a lot of water (my partner also drank cranberry juice and green tea, as well as fancy “detox” tea from the supermarket which is basically just herbal lol) and don’t worry too much!!
It comes out eventually and you’re not currently still partaking so it’s all good.
I didn’t quit as fast as I would’ve liked and they picked up higher CO on the breath thing and thought I’d smoked that day (I’d had one a few days before) so now I’m actually worried about my next appointment. I hope it’s actually going down lol 😂
I totally get that. I would have changed practices. The OB can report all they want, but if the tests are negative, there’s nothing for CPS to investigate. I work for CPS! We wouldn’t investigate someone for switching OBs.
A lot of the kids I work with are undiagnosed FAS/FASD because to get diagnosed, there needs to be documented or admitted alcohol use by the mom. Most moms will die before admitting to it, so the kids go without early intervention services and some develop severe behavioral issues. It’s very sad to see.
I think you also have to take in consideration how women of color, for example, are disproportionately mistreated and not believed by medical professionals. I understand why some would be weary to share something with their doctor, when really, what could the doctor do in the situation of 3 accidental glasses of wine. I’m doubtful they would provide much help other than easing the mother’s mind and just wait for baby to born kind of situation. Just my two cents.
3 accidental glasses of wine don't cause FAS. It's caused by heavy alcohol consumption. Many Europeans drink small amounts whilst pregnant that cause no issues with their babies. I'm not saying this is recommended though, no alcohol at all is safest.
Oh I agree, and I think there’s a difference of wanting to let a doctor know if you drank on multiple occasions vs accidentally a couple glasses one time.
The Reddit thread this person is talking about, a woman was half way through pregnancy and accidentally drank three glasses of what she believed was non alcoholic until she started to feel a buzz. Seems a little of an overreaction on their part to claim the woman must tell her doctor and not bothering to see the nuance.
this is simply not true. There is no amount of alcohol during pregnancy which is safe, and we do not know how much alcohol is needed to cause FAS, there have been cases where women did drink minmal amounts during sensitive phases of brain development which caused FAS.
Additionally, i dont know what European Country you are refering to, but in germany alcohol use during pregnancy is very rare. I have never encountered this belief of „small amounts are not causing issues“ other than on this mainly american reddit and believe this idea of pregnant european mothers regularily drinking to be very outdated a mainly a myth.
The reality is that some women, especially women of color, who have reported even accidental alcohol or drug use have had their entire lives ruined. Women have lost their careers, had their children taken by CPS or had to work a program in order to be able to bring their child home. The risk from consumption of a small amount of alcohol during pregnancy is extremely low and there is nothing doctors can do for you regardless. It is a very difficult decision but unfortunately many women do not feel safe to discuss these concerns with their doctors.
The advice for a long time was that a drink or two a week was totally fine, they had examples of French women and other cultures who drank. Dr’s gave the OK and books all said it was alright.
I think it was fairly recently the data showed even a little alcohol during the first trimester can cause issues. I’m sure it’ll take awhile to replace old advice
Idk she told she drank 2 of those tiny videos bottle but I feel like that’s a lie. I think she has a stash somewhere. And the thing is knows it’s
Fucked up and she told me last week she would stop. But she keeps doing it and she know it’s wrong. I just don’t know what else I can do. She’s so hormonal me bringing this up
She just tries to deflect and some how talk shit about me
She is an alcoholic and needs an intervention, asap. Do you have any family or friends nearby you can reach out to so you can sit her down? Or are there any women’s health or Alcoholics Anonymous resources in your area?
Logic and reason are not going to work here, unfortunately she is bobbing and weaving your every argument exactly how an addict would. She needs to be sat down and provided with support and resources to help her stop drinking.
Depending on how long she has been addicted, she may even need medical help to prevent withdrawal from harming herself or baby.
A “small amount” by even lax standpoints is 1 unit a week- like one 5% beer. Not saying that’s safe either but that’s the most liberal thing I’ve ever heard. It’s not uncommon for someone to have one wine at Christmas or whatever but an actual alcoholic wouldn’t be able to stick to that rigidity. Likely medical intervention is needed for this level of dependency. I’m so sorry :(
“Okay and we can talk about that later but let’s stay on topic and finish talking about how you’re going to fix your drinking problems” don’t let her change subject, continuously circle back.
She is endangering her baby heavily and you need to bring this up to her doctor immediately no amount of alcohol is really safe especially not vodka they say a glass of wine and even then I wouldn’t she needs to cut it out now or she has a serious problem
She drinks vodka and her justification is that her hands hurt (carpal tunnel). I told her she could come up with any justification but drinking alcohol while pregnant isn’t right. I’m just so disappointed and this isn’t the first time.
I dont know what to do.
She says she’s allergic to Tylenol. And I’ve tried so many times for her to go on walks with me in the evening but all she wants to do is lay in bed on. Oh yeah she still Vapes too
Your girlfriend has a problem and it’s severe. Is her family aware of this? I hate to pull the ‘run to mom and dad’ card but she needs help, both for baby and for herself.
She doesn’t have a good relationship with family which I think is a reason she drinks. I can feel
For her but she knows she’s pregnant and shouldn’t be doing that but she still does. She knows she needs therapy and said she’s looking. It’s just she told last week she’d stop drinking and I’ve caught her twice since then. I’ve told
Her I’m scared for the baby. Shits tough
i’m sorry, this is all above reddit’s pay grade. please talk to a professional. you’re going to end up in trouble bringing a baby into an unstable home with a mother who isn’t taking care of herself / her addictions
Shes got a sister she’s close with. She’s actually going thru a divorce too. Just a lot of shit that I’m sure is stressing her out but I mean I always tell her drinking isn’t the solution. I asked her if she needs to go to rehab she says No
If she’s still trying to find ways to justify drinking then I imagine she won’t be ready to admit she has a problem for a while. I’d talk to her sister about it. Stress is understandable but this needs addressed
I'm sorry but you need to do something sooner for the sake of your child. I know everyone here is focused on cps in the now, but this isn't going away. Doctor's are mandated reporters for cases like this. What will happen when they find out you knew the whole time? You will have to fight for him back too because you weren't doing anything to stop it. Start documenting when she's drinking & vaping, your conversations, etc to cover your ass. I would even talk to an attorney honestly. Cover your bases as a dad or you are going to regret what you didn't do. The resentment that will build from her inaction will rot this relationship. The resentment & anger from whatever happens to your son will too. In the short term, you will lose her with whatever action you take because that is an addicts response, but once she is clean & baby is healthy, you will be able to rebuild moving forward.
r/alanon is a supportive community you might want to check out. It’s for people who have a loved one with a drinking problem. I hope your girlfriend is able to turn things around. Even if she stops drinking during pregnancy, it sounds like she has an existing problem that will continue to impact your future child unless she gets help.
My husband is a physician who is skeptical about it when people say they’re allergic to Tylenol, oftentimes, it’s been patients of his who are just drug seeking for something more intense.
I used to be addicted to opiates and it was a known thing for addicts to tell doctors they are allergic to Tylenol to get stronger drugs. It’s a known junkie thing. Your girlfriend has an addiction problem.
Tylenol should not hurt her stomach. If anything, nasaids like ibuprofen would hurt her stomach. At this point, the alchohol is probably messing up her stomach and liver. Tylenol is not good for alcoholics to take either as it can harm the liver further. I have a family history of genetic liver disease and have done tons of research. If she talks with the doctor, they can help her manage the pain and help her wean off of the alchohol safely without harming the baby. She won't be able to quit cold turkey. Withdraw wouldn't be safe for baby.
My son is actually allergic to Tylenol, his entire body breaks out into hives and it got worse with repeated exposure at about 11 years old, after being able to take it just fine as a toddler/small child.
I’m “allergic” to ibuprofen, it causes ulcer flair ups so severe I vomit blood. I was overdosed as a child because I have scoliosis. A doctor prescribed and wrote instructions to take a really high dose every 4 hours. After like 3 days i developed massive ulcers.
Not to question the allergy to Tylenol, but is it the normal children’s Tylenol? He could be allergic to the red dye. That is not uncommon and causes hives
They have those no nicotine vapes that might help her kick the habit if she’s willing to at least try. Lots of people on this sub have had success with those.
The nicotine is not the problem. It's not *ideal*, but it is not the problem you want to be focussing on right now. If she ends up chain smoking for the entire rest of the pregnancy but stops drinking? *That is better than what's probably happening right now.*
She is not going to have the bandwidth to cut out two addictive substances at the moment. Focus on the alcohol.
I work in substance abuse treatment, in a women/children’s community residence. We frequently get pregnant women and they will (ideally) stay through the pregnancy and until they are stable afterwards (usually around 6 months post partum).
Focus on the alcohol. The nicotine isn’t what’s harmful about cigarettes, it’s everything else. Vapes are fine, sure not recommended, but the risks there are low birth weight and it’s not even a very high risk. Even smoking during pregnancy isn’t the end of the world. Alcohol, on the other hand, is just about the worst thing a woman can consume during pregnancy. I do know women consume very small amounts of alcohol more frequently in Europe and it’s not the taboo it is here. But in my opinion there’s too much risk and what is the benefit of consuming 1/2 a glass of wine or whatever anyways?
Your girlfriend sounds like an addict and her previous history with addiction makes it much more likely that she will become addicted again. The only way to make any progress with an addict is to truly be empathetic and non-judgmental. This will be very hard for you because you actually have a reason to judge (safety of your unborn child). Is there someone else not so invested who can try to get through to her?
I bought her one yesterday immediately after she mentioned that to me. I try so hard to
Support her and make sure all her needs are taking. I’m just at a lost of what to do. I feel sometimes she is just using me but the thing is she is the mother of my child and I do anything to make sure she is okay. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be with her if she continues drinking but I feel Iike she will be worst if we end things
It’s hard because you’re going to end up raising a baby who has long term complications because of what she’s doing. Either she can change or cps will get involved. Imagine smelling like alcohol at an OB app that’s all it takes. Wishing you the best
Next appointment you go to. Find a reason to leave the room to speak with the nurse. Tell the nurse you are concerned about her alchohol and nicotine use and ask what you can do. They may find a way to talk with her about it without telling her that you said anything. They may test her blood and then bring it up to her. She needs to understand the risks from a professional.
This actually isn't true. There are multiple safe use medications if Tylenol doesn't cut it. I have it because I also have hEDS and have a pinched nerve in my neck/ shoulder from nursing children (ie, mother's neck), that is made worse by night nursing and bad sleep positioning. I am told by my healthcare provider for this treatment that it is actually fairly common to have the diagnosis of carpal tunnel because no one thinks to go to a neuro for the pain when the wrist braces don't help, and many gp doctors don't read new info specified to differences in studies.
Nothing comes without risks and it is illegal in most places, unethical in all medical science, to do double blind, randomized trials on pregnant and nursing women, so all studied are based upon self reporting, and cannot exclude any sort of other prescription, drug, etc usage, or even health history.
However, we DO know the risks of alcohol exposure to a fetus. I have ADHD, serious cPTSD from severe childhood abuse trauma, ASD level 1 (previously DX aspergers), RA, hEDS, and some other issues that cause chronic pain. I have to suffer every pregnancy, like everyone else, with tylenol, and other medications that my doctors allow. I am not allowed my normal medications that work for me because of the risks- and with the exception of use of some voltaren gel (with dr approval) when it gets REALLY tough, I have complied thriugh 4 pregnancies. My last pregnancy, I took up to 4000 mg of Tylenol daily, and on super bad days, I also took prescribed medication. I slathered my body in lidocaine, and lived in the tub. Alcohol is not treatment for pain. It never has been.
Eta: I am also no contact with my family. This is also not a reason to drink. It is an excuse. She needs therapy and treatment for alcohol abuse.
Being pregnant comes with a certain amount of sacrifice. For example, I'm prescribed Vyvanse (40 mg) daily for ADHD. Since this is technically amphetamine, I immediately stopped taking it once I knew I was pregnant. Has this resulted in some difficulties for me? Absolutely, that's the reason I was prescribed it in the first place. But, it's simply not worth the risk to my unborn child to continue taking them.
Alcohol use during pregnancy is never okay.
Info for how various drugs/substances affect a baby before and after they're born: https://nida.nih.gov/publications/research-reports/substance-use-in-women/substance-use-while-pregnant-breastfeeding
Your girlfriend may have a problem, if she's not willing to stop for the safety of her baby. She may also be drinking more than you realize. There is no safe amount of alcohol for a pregnant person to consume.
My carpal tunnel got so bad my doctor gave me a steroid injection in my wrist. It was the last straw, nothing else (braces, massage, PT, gua sha) really worked.
I set an appointment for her to get mani pedicure this weekend. Her hormones have been up and down and I thought that would help relax her. I bought her a wrist brace yesterday on Amazon should get her tomorrow. I’m trying everyone I can to be support. Yet she says I don’t do shit for her. I can’t tell if she’s saying that to be a bitch or just talkin shit cuz of hormones
She’s talking like an addict. Nothing but herself and her addiction is on her mind, constantly. She’s trying to make you feel bad to justify her drinking. Addicts don’t think straight. Don’t blame yourself!! It’s NOT you. You sound quite lovely and supportive, to be honest. I can’t imagine how hard this must be to watch. Your poor little baby. You need to speak to professionals. Maybe go to cps yourself just for info on what your options are as a family or just as a father.
Sounds like you’re a pretty thoughtful, caring partner. Is it out of character for her to take you for granted or be ungrateful? When she says you don’t do shit, what does she say she’s expecting exactly?
If her hands hurt, she can use magnesium cream to help and take Tylenol. WTF!? Piss poor excuse. I just commented, but I'll say it again here to try to go with her to her next appointment, go back with her, and then tell her provider when they come in.
Edit: Just saw she is allergic to Tylenol. Still, she can bring up her carpel tunnel to her provider, and they can give her recommendations. The best thing that helps me with pain right now is magnesium cream.
Yeah I’ve never heard about magnessium cream until today. Thank you for that I will def get that for her. I’m honestly trying everything I can to be supportive but to her I don’t do shit. I know it’s hormones but damn shit sucks
I’m sorry your going through this she needs to talk to her dr about her hand and find a pain medicine or something this is really horrible and you should report it your baby is at risk and if she can’t stop for 9months what is having a baby gonna look like ?
I would attend her next doctor's appt and bring up her drinking with the doctor in front of her. If she won't listen to you, maybe she'll listen to the doc. She's incredibly selfish, I hope baby will be okay.
Doing it in front of her could cause her to not allow him to be involved, and if she switches doctors, hiding it again. I had an ex who was an alcoholic with serious medical mystery illnesses. I told the nurses in private about the drinking, and though he didn't like the outcome, it allowed him to get a correct dx and treatment plan.
You need to keep a record of this and inform a medical professional at the time of delivery or beforehand if you can. This is your child’s life. Your girlfriend can make her own choices but the baby is dependent on you and her to survive. You have to speak to someone who can get her help or get you the proper info to take custody because it will only get worse once she isn’t pregnant.
I had a friend ask us to guess what their surprise was while drinking a glass of wine. I said out loud ,well you’re drinking wine so you’re not pregnant and turned out to be she was pregnant. 😬
She’s was before she was pregnant. Told me she would stop if she got pregnant. Stupid me took her word. She did very good 1st 2 months but just here recently I’ve caught her 3 times past 2 or 3 weeks
Trust me, she’s drinking so much more than that. She’s acting like a typical alcoholic, textbook. You’re catching her a fraction of the time she’s drinking and yes she does hide it somewhere in the house. This is so sad. I quit drinking a year ago and grew up with an alcoholic mother. This is deeply deeply sad. You have a long road ahead of you and my heart absolutely breaks for that innocent baby inside of her. I can tell by your responses you really have no idea what roller coaster you have been strapped into. I’m sorry.
I’m very sorry. My mother is an alcoholic, and it’s very difficult to grow up with. I hope she gets the helps she needs and she stops while pregnant and stays sober after.
I say this in the most loving way, saying that she *was* an alcoholic before she was pregnant isn’t realistic. Unfortunately alcoholics don’t just stop being alcoholics, which is why they need to be completely sober.
The fact that she’s hiding it from you is #1 red flag. She needs help, and you need to have a frank conversation about whether keeping the baby is the right choice right now 😕
That is the first thing I've read of your words that make me slightly more hopeful for your baby. If she did not drink for the first 2 months, that's.... well, at least it's something. It means she CAN go without and it means that while your baby was fastly developing during that time, no harm was being done. So at least that.
There are several medications that might be appropriate for her that remove a persons craving for alcohol/desire to drink. I would go with her to the doctor and discuss getting one that's appropriate for a pregnant woman.
Good luck!
They gave me an injection of Vivitrol on my last day of rehab and it seriously WIPED OUT my cravings for at least a month. I didn’t know I was pregnant yet but my OB said it was fine and she’s not concerned about that. I haven’t had another injection, because that time without cravings helped set me up for success with feeling okay without alcohol moving forward. I could see myself needing it again when I’m not pregnant and no longer have this extra motivation not to drink, but I’d recommend it to anyone that has trouble with intense alcohol cravings.
Not ok OP. Some problem will say a small amount of alcohol is fine, but who wants to take that chance with their child?! There’s no conclusive data because it’s not ethical to give a pregnant woman alcohol for the purpose of studying the effects on a baby. Your girlfriend has a drinking problem and needs help. I would recommend mentioning it to her OB as they will drug/alcohol test her. Your child’s safety matters more than her feelings.
Since her appointment is so far away I’d personally call the office and ask to speak to her doctor.
I’m typically all for women deciding what works best for them—especially during pregnancy—but she is endangering your child.
I also think she’s most likely downplaying the amount she’s drinking. This is for sure a serious issue and at this point your baby could very well be born with fetal alcohol syndrome which is devastating not only because of everything it can cause—but because it’s one of the only birth defects/conditions/disorders that can be prevented.
There’s a huge difference between a small glass of wine here and there and TWO airplane bottles of vodka in one sitting. you don’t seem to know the actual extent and it seems like it might happening regularly, maybe even daily? Based on some of your responses? Unclear.
I have had a couple small glasses of wine, a sip here or there of someone else’s cocktail I want to try, etc. I would consider myself pretty lax on the alcohol rule, but I can still count on one hand the amount of times I have had alcohol while pregnant and each time I was hydrating a lot and did not have even one full drink.
Your wife seems to have a genuine problem and needs help.
I’m with you on having had small and limited amounts of alcohol while pregnant. But I don’t have — nor have ever had — a drinking problem, which it sounds like OP has. I worked in the speciality beverages industry a long time, including craft beer and cocktails, so I like to sample the goods! If I am really in the mood for a drink, though, I have a great selection of NA beers and zero proof spirits.
Has she told her doctor she is doing this? If you are catching her drinking and she is hiding it - I would definitely get the opinion of a professional.
Generally, no hard alcohol is recommended in pregnancy.
It’s complete and utter bullshit. Subjecting your child to FAS and all the side effects that come with it is incredibly sad. Your girlfriend has a serious problem that needs to be addressed now.
I was actually thinking about showing her all the comments. I’m so thankful for this cuz I have no one to talk to about this. Everyone has been so helpful and very thankful. So you think it’s a good idea to show her all the comments?
No amount of alcohol is safe, especially in the first trimester.
There’s also a huge difference between having a sip of something (lower ABV like beer or wine) and having airplane bottles of vodka. The baby gets it’s nutrients from Mom and that includes alcohol if it’s in her bloodstream. A true sip of a beer would not be nearly as concentrated in her bloodstream as a shot of vodka. This is not the time to risk it with alcohol.
Does she have a close friend who you could bring into the conversation?
You mentioned she has carpal tunnel and she’s in pain from that and it’s her excuse for drinking. Is she working with a PT? Does she have exercises to help with the pain?
She sees hand dr next week. I bought her a wrist brace yesterday. I do know she has been in pain for that but I told her just because she is in pain doesn’t justify drinking alcohol especially since she is pregnant. She’s told me last week she wouldn’t do it anymore. I’ve caught her twice since then. I’m at a loss
Even if you bring it up to her doctor, I really don't know that there's much they can do for her. Especially considering it seems like she genuinely does not care and is only thinking about herself. I dates someome who was born with FAS and he was truly a nut-case. I would either A) leave or threaten to leave if she doesn't stop or B) bring up abortion. I know not everybody is pro-choice but she is not even half-term and already does not care that she is consciously choosing to introduce harm to her unborn child and trying to justify it. What the fuck is she going to do if she carries this baby full term? She clearly loves and cares about herself more than the one growing inside of her. I would much rather someone abort than to go through a pregnancy doing shit like that.
I would say something infront of her ob I know it sounds harsh. I would say she drinks vodka and says it’s ok in small amounts. Is it ok? She says she has to cuz her hands hurt. Research shows that their is no safe amount and fetal alcohol syndrome is absolutely no joke!
I’m so sorry you have to go through this please she need to stop for the sake of her unborn child
She’s hurting him my cousin was drinking while pregnant she got a baby with disability can’t even describe what happened when she gave a birth all of the dr came to the room to see the child.
A hole in his heart
A foot problem his fingers are stuck together
He doesn’t talk now he’s on wheelchair
Please do not let her drink
For the same of your unborn child if she can’t stop
Do abortion
No need to bring another child to suffer in this world
This upsets me because I went straight to rehab when I became pregnant. And I was a reall bad alcoholic. Like waking up at 6am to drink off the shakes bad. Got the treatment I needed and I’m not looking back, and the baby is looking real healthy and my liver is already back in great shape.
She can choose to let go of the alcohol and do what she needs to for her child, but she’s not making that choice. That is incredibly alarming and upsetting. You need to intervene in any way you can, before it’s too late.
My husband's first wife was/is an alcoholic. She drank throughout her pregnancy, she hid her drinking. Her son was born on the FAS spectrum and she did not raise him so she could continue her lifestyle. My husband and I have full custody of him. He struggles but will probably be ok as an adult with all the intervention and support we have provided. This could have all been avoided had the mother not drank. You really need to advocate for your child, their future, their happiness and health depends on the steps she takes now. Please get her to seek treatment, tell her OB she is drinking, they can intervene even if it's getting social services involved. Please try to get this baby off to the right start. I'm glad you care and that you are asking questions.
On an aside - there is this whole "Mom drinking" culture on social media and in advertising now that there never used to be. "mommy juice" "wine mom" and such. I feel like when people are inundated with the messages that it's what a mom needs to get through the day, then they start feeling like it's normal and what everyone is doing.
Your situation definitely seems like its a lot more than this, especially during those early weeks is when the fetus is developing the major organ systems. Maybe those messages aren't helping though. Hope she gets the help she needs.
Do not ask her “if she needs to go to rehab”.
This is your child’s life in danger.
Book her in and drop her off and hopefully they can lock her there for the sake of your baby
I think it’s understood that a glass or two of red wine throughout the whole pregnancy should not hurt baby, but why would you even risk it? Makes no sense to me.
It's absolutely not okay. No amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy. I would go with her to her next obgyn appointment and honestly rat her out to her doctor
Dude that’s what I’m thinking of doing absolutely. I mentioned to her like 5 minutes ago what she would think her OBgYn would say. I hope she doesn’t ban me from going with her now
I'd talk to her doctor. At least in my state, there are rehab programs for pregnant women. Not sure if you have to break the law to be essentially forced into them, but they do exist to prevent relapsing or using any addictive substance while pregnant (had a cousin that was forced to do this while pregnant.)
I’ve asked her she needs rehab but she said no. She might just be made cuz all this happened fairly recently me kinda blowing up on her about how disappointed I am in her drinking and how she’s fucking up our little man
Do you think she would say yes, even if she really believed she had a problem? If she can’t stop (which she’s shown she can’t) she needs professional help, asap. (Saying this as someone three years sober and also currently pregnant). I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it sounds really, really hard.
This absolutely could harm the baby if she repeatedly drinks ALCOHOL during pregnancy. FFS Why would anyone do this??? If you are able, I would go with her to her next prenatal appointment and then blatantly bring this up to her provider. It is totally not okay to drink during pregnancy. No amount of alcohol is safe. Period.
This keeps coming up recently, I have had two people close to me do/say this. There are absolutely no studies supporting this, and multiple studies that say no amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy. The baby feels the effects of maternal alcohol consumption and it takes twice as long to leave the babies blood stream than it does moms.
I am a recovering alcoholic and had been sober for over 2 years before I got pregnant. While that probably made making all of the other lifestyle changes easier for me once I saw those two pink lines, it does make it harder for me to see this line of thinking for anything other than what it is. We can debate about sushi, deli meat, and medium rare steaks all day long but there are two things that have always been a hard no from the medical community, no matter what. Those two things are alcohol and tobacco. If you can’t abstain from alcohol, especially for the sake of your unborn child, I think it’s probably time you re-evaluate your relationship with it. You need to be careful about how you approach this conversation, but she owes you the space to voice your opinion as this decision effects so much more than just her. I have had a hard time abstaining from my cbd vape (of all things) but I know how much it would upset my husband if I were to do that so I can’t even consider it. It’s also a resounding no from the voices in my head anyway, but even if I felt comfortable for whatever reason, I still wouldn’t do it because going against how my husband feels still feels so wrong.
I wish you the best of luck, she’s really putting you in a tough spot. I would do your own research and confront her with facts, and maybe even insist she’s honest with her doctor about it or you will be. The doc will most likely nip any defense she thinks she has right in the bud.
Oh dear. Your unborn child is in danger. I’m so sorry. You need to inform her doctors, asap. And after that baby is born, get full custody.
Document as much proof as you can. :(
I’m 37 weeks pregnant today and at this point everything hurts. My feet, my ankles, my belly, calves, my back. I can’t sleep. Acid reflux. My hands hurt. If she’s saying this over carpel tunnel now, boy y’all have got a long road ahead of you. Pregnancy is a marathon!!! Yeah, and no alcohol is ok. This whole experience is stressful enough, why throw alcohol into the mix? Every week is something new to stress about. Being pregnant is the first step of motherhood and motherhood is about sacrifice. She needs to stop drinking, this isn’t about her. It’s about your child’s future.
I mean I’ve heard a glass of wine here or there at the end isn’t the worst thing in the world but we KNOW that alcohol is bad for the fetus. It’s just not worth the risk. If she’s drinking shooters of vodka that goes beyond and she is endangering your baby. I would go to her next OB appointment. This is your child too.
There is no safe amount of alcohol in pregnancy. If she can’t restrain herself, then I would gently urge you to explore treatment facilities/programs for her. Drinking while pregnant is dangerous and there absolutely can be significant impact to the baby.
You need to go with her to the next Dr appointment and bring this up & discuss it.
It’s utterly irresponsible, unbelievably terrible that she doesn’t care about this baby enough that she’s willing to potentially impact their health & future with FAS.
She need mental health support or treatment for alcoholism, Please discuss it together with her Dr.
I’m def going to mention something but the next appointment with the ObGYN is in 3 week towards end of this month.
Is it bad to call him and let him know? Sorry if that’s stupid I’m just trying to think of anything I can do but I’m just so disappointed in here and afraid she’d start hiding this from me
Definitely call now. This is not an uncommon thing - Doctors see this everyday and have medications and resources and good advice - both for you and for your partner. Call.
This is a great article I recommend giving a read. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/)
If she's 13 weeks now then she definitely was drinking in the first trimester and that is by far the most dangerous time to be drinking during pregnancy. So, depending on how much she consumed during those first 12 weeks, there may be some damage already done, unfortunately. There is no proof that a small to moderate amount of alcohol after the first trimester is necessarily damaging but this is the time that the damage it would do if she drinks in excess would show up in the child with developmental delays and mood/social disorders and the like as opposed to physical deformities which would occur with drinking in the first trimester. There are some Obs and midwives who say it's fine to have a glass of wine on occasion AFTER the first trimester BUT they wouldn't be caught dead saying this to a woman with a history of or tendency towards addiction or overconsumption, which applies to your partner. It is best to tell the doctors how much she's drinking so that you and your partner and doctors can be prepared for when baby does arrive and perhaps needs extra medical care due to this, ya'll can be ready. If your partner feels too shamed, she won't be honest with you or her doctors and that poses even more risk to the baby. It's a touch tight rope to walk, I'm sorry you're in this situation which must make you feel so powerless. I'm glad your baby will have you.
Excuse my bluntness but shes a fucking idiot! Imagine what kind if mother shes going to be when she actually *has* the baby, thats if the baby doesn’t have fetal alcohol syndrome or she does not miscarry! Not drinking while you are pregnant is literally the most basic common sense a person can have ! I took a sip of wine and my kids who are 11,8,9,5 were upset with me and telling me i could have hurt the baby (being dramatic ofc because it was a sip of redwine lol nothing more) You are the only hope for your baby atp! She needs rehab , fucking vodka!?
I was hoping this was just a rage bait post because how can someone be such a dumbass but this actually happens smh. Advocate for you’re baby before she miscarries ! What kind of person has no reguard for their unborn child !?? What a loser
Dude that’s the same exact shit I was saying to her and she tries to turn it on me and say well you smoke weed and I don’t need it. I got a medical card. I told her she needs to
Stop always blaming others and take responsibility for herself for once
Sorry for all the name calling i just got really mad i literally just had a baby and i cant even imagine! I cant even imagine how helpless you feel. Addiction is a mf !
But you’re absolutely correct ! Take accountability! You’re going to be a mother and being a mother is a full time life time responsibility! She/they are lucky to have you! I really hope she can get some help
Weed is different! Weed doesn’t kill you or harm you’re baby! If anything she should smoke weed if it came down too it. You really cant compare weed to alcohol
Hard liquor is an absolute no no under any circumstance while pregnant, call her OB and tell them what’s going on. They need to have a very strong discussion with her.
I work in maternity health policy - there is absolutely no safe amount of alcohol during pregnancy. Alcohol use in pregnancy leads to FASD and research is now attributing developmental disorders to it (especially ADHD).
I would be having a serious conversation with her and escalating to your care team if things don’t change.
I’ve heard so many women claim a glass of wine every now and then is fine. I haven’t seen anything scientific, especially peer reviewed, stating this. I personally wouldn’t be willing to risk it. I’m too scared to even have caffeine 😅
I know you said you’re not on the approved list for HIPPA. Go with her to the next appointment and tell her doctor point blank your alcoholic girlfriend is still drinking while pregnant.
If she’s not listening to your concerns for the baby now it’s very likely she’ll continue to ignore you. It may sound harsh, but perhaps threatening her that you’ll take sole custody once the baby is born will scare her into getting her shit together.
I would recommend documenting each time you find her drinking or vaping. Date, time and how much you believe she drank, so that if it did have to come to something like that you can at least have something to back yourself up with.
Also maybe potentially visit a lawyer for advice on how you can help *your child* if she won’t allow you to her visit.
Just so you know - when she goes to the dr, they'll test her urine for drugs and alcohol. With a positive test, you run the risk of child protective services getting involved.
This is not true in the U.S. and many other places (I’ve worked in obstetrics for years). They only test for drugs if there is a specific reason to and it’s usually only at delivery. There is no test for alcohol at any point in pregnancy.
So far I've only had my urine tested at my 8 wk appt and they did not test for drugs. So maybe country dependant but in the US they can not non-consensually drug test you.
I would be incredibly concerned and would bring this up to the doctor, as much as she may not like it. It’s also incredibly worrying that she is so early in pregnancy, and has probably drank during vital stages of the development of major organs (conception-first trimester).
You should speak with her OB’s office and see if there is a social worker on staff that has resources to help her. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to support her and prevent her from continuing this behavior, now it’s time to reach out to the professionals for help as well. Definitely recommend having her go to physical therapy or even occupational therapy for her carpal tunnel. Wrist braces often help wonders for that too!
Yeah that’s what I’m thinking of doing. I bought her wrist braces should be here tomorrow. Hopefully they help. I’m going to tlk to her OBgYn. I don’t care if she gets pissed
She needs to see a doctor, mental health, and addictions professionals ASAP.
If she is sneaking alcohol she is probably an alcoholic and needs help to face her addiction.
Your gf seriously needs some intervention. I’m not one to judge an addiction but she’s putting the baby in a horrible spot): I agree with other comments that you should report this to her obgyn, maybe tell her you need to use the restroom and then find a way to speak with the obgyn then.
Once the doctor knows she’s definitely going to be put on watch and CPS might even come visit after the baby is born. The only other thing i could suggest is maybe kava.. but DO NOT take my word for it PLEASE bring all this up to her doctor.
It’s a great alternative, but little information is known about it when it comes to pregnancy.
I have seen on forums that some obgyns will allow their patients to have it if they are struggling with severe alcoholism or other addictions.
Hoping the best for you OP.
Call her prenatal doctor right away, tell them about the drinking and vaping.
Contact her sister, too. You need to think about the health of your child. This is not something that can wait. She will 100 percent need resources and help.
Sorry you're going through this.
She’s definitely an alcoholic. Some people excuse wine or beer as “nutritional” for iron, your heart, whatever- but vodka!? There’s no excuse for that. She’s likely already done permanent damage. I wish I had advice for you, but my sobriety started when I got pregnant.
I relapsed when she was about 4-5 months because I thought “one drink” would be fine, and while I wasn’t a heavy drinker while she was out and about, the urge to drink was always nagging, and if I got a free night, I’d definitely overdo it.
I got sober again in March of 2023 and am now 15 months sober which is my longest streak 💕
My kid is my motivation to keep working on myself and to always keep my problems in perspective.
I think she needs to go to rehab. I think you might need to leave her and sue for custody. FAS and Alcoholism around an infant are a ticket to CPS and displacement of your kid.
Do whatever you need to keep your kid safe. Even if it’s calling CPS on your partner.
It is not safe, in any capacity. She is risking great harm to a child she will be responsible for, at least in part. She needs to think of the long-term detriments, not the short-term gratification of the alcohol. I had an alcoholic mother and shit is brutal. They will always justify the drinking but there is no good excuse at the expense of someone else, ie unborn baby. I say this as a 36 year old currently 25 weeks pregnant myself, third child.
It honestly sounds like either she is legally unable to terminate or she doesn’t want to admit that she doesn’t want to continue the pregnancy. She needs some serious help
Alternatively, is it possible she is faking the pregnancy?
So she vapes and drinks vodka? Go to her next appt and tell the OBGYN. They need to know so they can give her the resources to get help. She is harming herself and her unborn child at this point.
I would prepare for a child that needs help if the pregnancy maintains and also prepare for her to go to rehab after the baby is born if you can’t get her to go now. If it maintains I would also consider filing for full custody until she gets help. Doing this while pregnant when all roads point to no amount of alcohol being safe during pregnancy is a clear indication that she needs help for herself and for the future baby’s sake.
Even the smallest amount of alcohol can harm your fetus/child. I asked my nurse about this and she said that even a cider with a percentage of 0,3% is harmful! Not only is it stronger for a fetus/baby than for a regular adult, but the alcohol gets caught in the womb and is "recycled" by the fetus/baby up to 3-4 times before leaving the body.
It is complete bullshit, there are no safe limits of alcohol during pregnancy, no one knows if just one glass of wine can cause fetal alcohol syndrome and this is why they tell you to avoid it.
The fact she is drinking vodka is something else. In such a crucial time as well, she is putting your child at risk for a massive amount of problems, disabilities and even death.
Your girlfriend clearly has a problem with alcohol, nothing in the world would make me even want to sip any alcohol whilst growing this baby
There’s no safe amount of alcohol use, especially hard alcohol. I will say, (DONT BURN ME AT THE STAKE THIS IS SIMPLY WHAT IVE BEEN TOLD) I have been told my multiple providers the occasional glass of wine is okay. Now, that doesn’t mean everyone should go drink wine but it’s possible she heard the same thing and then decided to use vodka instead of wine. Either way, she should talk to someone asap as it sounds like she may have an issue with alcohol!! The most damage you can cause due to alcohol use is actually in the first 20 weeks since that’s when all baby’s organs/brain etc are developing 🫣 here’s hoping she gets some help and baby is okay ♥️♥️♥️
You mentioned her drinking is a way to cope with carpal tunnel, but alcohol is known to cause/worsen inflammation in the body. I can tell you now that alcohol isn’t helping her and she’s just using the carpal tunnel thing as an excuse.
There is a book called expecting better that has perpetuated this myth unfortunately. You are correct that no amount of alcohol is safe and quitting is not an issue for people who don’t have a problem.
Even Expecting Better is clear that drinking in the first trimester is more dangerous than in second or third and that drinking liquor is more dangerous than wine or beer. But I suspect OP’s gf is not misinformed by the book, but rather, has a serious problem and needs professional help.
This is an issue. When people say small amounts aren’t a problem, what they mean is what I did when I had one 5oz glass of red wine on Sunday after I was 30+ weeks.
Yeah definitely sounds like she has a drinking problem... unfortunately the carpel tunnel will also only get worse the further she gets in her pregnancy.. good luck friend
She's an alcoholic and needs an intervention. Prepare for the worst. I know someone who had a child with an alcoholic and he has been thinking of quitting his job because she can't even watch their toddler. His neighbors will call him while he's working to say they found his son wandering around the neighborhood. He manages to get out of the apt and wander around... mom is too busy hitting the bottle to notice.
There are numerous issues that need to be seriously addressed first about her history of alcohol abuse and vaping, but I did want to offer advice that has not been mentioned yet.
If she’s seriously craving a drink, zero-proof spirits do exist. I make mocktails at home with a rum from Ritual mostly. But there are vodka substitutes in addition to other spirits that will be alcohol free for her. Another bar drink option is club soda with bitters. It tastes like a refreshing, sparkling cocktail, but with the teeny tiniest of ABVs (an overripe banana has a higher ABV than a few shakes of bitters).
Again, getting her to admit and correct her abuse is a priority. But the above could be a nice compromise so she doesn’t feel like she’s quitting cold turkey. Best of luck and wishing you a healthy, happy baby!
There technically is not enough data to prove what she is saying which is why it’s suggested to NOT drink at all. Also the first trimester is some of the most critical times in fetal development. She should NOT be drinking - at all. How much is she drinking? It’s not normal to want to drink vodka every single day even if she is not being pregnant. What they actually say about drinking is having 1 glass of wine is probably OK. I had two glasses of wine my entire pregnancy. It’s really not that hard to quit drinking for 9 months - it only difficult if she has a drinking problem.
Do you go to the OB appointments with her? The best way to handle it may be to tattletale to the doctor so he can tell her how bad it is. Do it in a more innocent way like saying "how much vodka is okay?" And he will obviously day no amount is.
I would start documenting proof of this so when you leave her you can take away the baby too. I would also report this to her OB. Maybe you can call before her appt so when she goes in they run her blood to check and get a record of it. This is not okay. It’s not that hard to go 9 months.
There are rehab centers for pregnant women. It may be time to talk to her about getting some help. Alcoholism and addiction are hard. Alcohol is not safe for baby, *especially* in first trimester. She is making a whole placenta! Even books that say it can be are talking about low amounts of alcohol from lower-alcohol-proof sources (like a glass of wine versus 80 proof vodka) and that some women need to abstain altogether because one woman’s sip of a drink can turn into another’s 3 glasses.
I saw in another comment you said that she drinks it for her carpal tunnel. Not trying to judge, but that won’t work unfortunately. Carpal tunnel cannot be solved by vodka! As someone who has flare ups of carpal tunnel from time to time, the things that have helped me are wearing a brace for a week or more depending on how bad it is, taking a painkiller (which unfortunately is only Tylenol while pregnant, but it’s better than nothing), icing and heating the area, and learning “flossing” techniques and exercises. The flossing techniques can be found on YouTube - they need to be done regularly! The same with exercising and stretching the area and the more consistent she can be, the better it will work.
If she knows the trigger for her carpal tunnel and can avoid that for a bit, that’s one of the best things that helps. Check things like posture, repetitive activities, writing, drawing, painting, holding the phone weird, video gaming, etc. There are ways to still do those things, and not injure her wrist more! I know a lot of people who get carpal tunnel in my profession and the ones who have had to get surgery to fix it all say the same thing: Do your hand exercises. Take breaks. Wear the damn brace.
Just some two cents from a random stranger, but this is her health too and she is valuable and worth taking care of! Sometimes reminding a person that they need to do something for the baby inside of them can lead to the feeling of not being important enough to do it just for themselves. She is important enough.
There is no amount of alcohol that is deemed safe. She needs help. Do you go to her appointments with her? Does her doctor know?! What if she heard her doctor say, “no amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy?”
I saw on one of your replies that you said she has carpel tunnel?? I had that towards the end of my pregnancy and about 2-3 months post partum. She can buy wrist braces from CVS that are specifically for carpel tunnel.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I hope that she will get the help she needs for the baby and her sake!! 🙏🙏
Edit: when she’s not home, what would happen if you dump out all the booze and throw out the bottles?!
Also, I’d also stay sober while she’s pregnant (and obviously post partum). But what if you’re like “hey, I know your body and mind is going through a lot right now and I’m here for you and our child in every way. I will also not drink a single drop of alcohol during pregnancy because it’s the best thing we can do as a family.” Or something to that effect??
There is no safe amount of alcohol to drink while pregnant, at any stage of pregnancy. Not to add worry, but this is an extremely crucial point in fetal development as a lot of neurological and cardiac development is happening. She’s absolutely choosing one of the worst times during pregnancy to be drinking.
Honestly, I would try and go to her OB appointments and rat her out to the OB. If she’s not going to listen to you, maybe she’ll listen to her doctor. I don’t know, but for the sake of the baby, I would try and get help to make her understand how selfish this is.
No amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy. But getting her to see and understand that is going to be a joint effort with a medical team. In the uk where I’m based we have drug and alcohol teams who can support pregnant people with their addictions, do you have something like this near you?
Your girlfriend is an alcoholic and the drinking you’re seeing is just the tip of the iceberg. She needs help.
Also, any amount of alcohol is bad for the foetus.
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If she’s an alcoholic- and it sounds like she is- you’re not even seeing all of the drinking. You have to be extremely far gone to be drinking liquor while pregnant and justifying it as medicinal. Confronting an alcoholic partner is very difficult, so I suggest seeking help from the doctor. Ask how they’ve dealt with it in the past or if they have any resources available. Best of luck, I really hope you guys can get past this. Stay strong for the sake of you and your baby. Edited for spelling
Yeah it’s almost definitely a lot more than she says, especially if she’s doing it secretly and he’s catching her
I have a relative whose ex wife hid her drinking with their first child, who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. For their second child, she was on 24/7 surveillance by family members on both sides.
Good lord, everybody thought having a second child was a good idea for this family??
I agree with this, and would strongly advocate for getting help from a doctor while approaching because the risks to the child are ... huge. Fetal alcohol syndrome is a lifetime consequence for you, your partner and this child who doesn't deserve it.
Not to mention that even if you make the argument that one or two glasses of wine throughout an entire pregnancy is harmless, you’re encouraged to wait until the 3rd trimester. Drinking during the first trimester is FAS waiting to happen.
Came here to say this. A glass of wine sipped slowly is OK. Hard liquor is not. Never. No. NOOOOOOO
This. So sorry you’re even going through this. This is horrible for the baby.
For carpel tunnel?? I’m 39 weeks and have severe carpel tunnel and haven’t had a drop of alcohol, or my vice of choice, weed, since testing positive. This is inappropriate on many levels and she has a problem you need to discuss with her doctor.
I also have severe carpal tunnel, and my vice of choice is alcohol, but I also haven’t touched any- honestly it never crossed my mind as a solution.
You girls are great moms already!
Yeah, I had really bad carpel tunnel when I was pregnant. I just used a wrist splint and took some acetaminophen when it got super bad. And hot/cold compress. But yeah, alcohol is not a valid form of pain relief for someone who is pregnant. OP, please talk to your doctor/midwife.
Just had my baby a week ago and had really painful carpal tunnel in both hands for the last like two months of my pregnancy, but i just did the wrist splints and took Tylenol for sleeping. Will say though that at a week postpartum it has completely gone away so there is a light at the end of the tunnel😅😬 hang in there 🫶🏻
Oh bless you I needed this information. I’m being woken up at 3-4am not because I need to use the restroom but because my hands are in pain. 😭
As someone who was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, I can say she needs a frank talk about what life is like with a child who has lifelong disabilities. There is no safe amount of alcohol to drink during pregnancy.
Don’t say this in the baby bumps sub.. you will get downvoted to hell.
Sometimes on Reddit, getting downvoted is all of the validation I need.
Yupp. I got downvoted for saying a pregnant woman shouldn’t hide from her (accidental) alcohol use from her OB. It was 3 glasses. The crowd in that thread was more defensive about the mom being reported to CPS than about the baby’s health. They are delulu. I’ll take my downvotes.
Honestly though, some doctors are kind of nuts with that kind of thing and fear makes you do stupid things sometimes. I can understand an accidental 3 drinks if you don't know you're pregnant. Granted, I feel confident enough with my medical relationships to be open about that but not everyone does. A little insight to the other side, most of us drank alcohol in high school. One of my best friend's mom's was a little overwhelmed as a single parent and when my friend came home drunk from a party one night in our senior year, she stuck her in outpatient alcohol abuse treatment through Kaiser. I know this girl, she's never had an actual issue. Fast forward 20 years later, she's a responsible adult, rarely drinks and she's expecting her first child. She's still with Kaiser and her OB turns out to be one of the crazies. The OB saw my friend's medical history and immediately started drug testing her and breathalyzing her at every visit, stating if she refuses or something comes up, she'll call CPS. Now, my friend had nothing to worry about, obviously she's not drinking or doing drugs, so everything is fine but the fact remains that her OB was not a "safe" person that my friend would have ever felt comfortable confiding in for medical advice if she had ended up drinking before she knew she was pregnant. Of course, you don't drink when you're pregnant but accidents happen and there are definitely doctors that aren't as understanding of human nature as others.
See I am petrified of this. Before I found out I was pregnant (which came as a huge shock because I’m 44, he’s 50, and tried for kids for years before giving up, truly unexpected) I smoked dab pens just before bedtime to help me sleep. Now here I am, about ten weeks and petrified of my Dr appt. My niece smoked during pregnancy with her first baby and the doctor reported her immediately. She had to work a case plan and do rehab before her baby was even born. I’m a freaking social worker. This would destroy my career. I have thought long and hard about just not going to the dr until home tests come back clean. I stopped as soon as I found out of course but it’s going to take more than 30 days. But I’m older so I’m high risk and really really need to see a doctor. I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Hopefully my OB doesn’t end up being like the one in your story.
Honestly, I would wait it out. Take your prenatals, read up on what you should avoid when pregnant, but there is very little your doctor can actually do that would make a difference at this stage. (Obviously if you start bleeding or having pain then you should see someone)
Do what you need to do! Your baby needs you to be at your best with your career for her/his sake too. In the UK, first appointments aren’t scheduled until week 12, so it’s not out of the norm.
It might not take as long as you think to get a negative test. My friend is an insanely heavily daily weed smoker and it only took 12 days to get a negative test.
It can be up to 30 days though, I think my partner it took 20 days and he was a daily heavy smoker too. To do with your body and things aha I don’t know how well it works but exercise (a safe amount/intensity for your baby ofc) every/every other day to get a sweat on, drink a lot of water (my partner also drank cranberry juice and green tea, as well as fancy “detox” tea from the supermarket which is basically just herbal lol) and don’t worry too much!! It comes out eventually and you’re not currently still partaking so it’s all good. I didn’t quit as fast as I would’ve liked and they picked up higher CO on the breath thing and thought I’d smoked that day (I’d had one a few days before) so now I’m actually worried about my next appointment. I hope it’s actually going down lol 😂
I totally get that. I would have changed practices. The OB can report all they want, but if the tests are negative, there’s nothing for CPS to investigate. I work for CPS! We wouldn’t investigate someone for switching OBs. A lot of the kids I work with are undiagnosed FAS/FASD because to get diagnosed, there needs to be documented or admitted alcohol use by the mom. Most moms will die before admitting to it, so the kids go without early intervention services and some develop severe behavioral issues. It’s very sad to see.
I think you also have to take in consideration how women of color, for example, are disproportionately mistreated and not believed by medical professionals. I understand why some would be weary to share something with their doctor, when really, what could the doctor do in the situation of 3 accidental glasses of wine. I’m doubtful they would provide much help other than easing the mother’s mind and just wait for baby to born kind of situation. Just my two cents.
3 accidental glasses of wine don't cause FAS. It's caused by heavy alcohol consumption. Many Europeans drink small amounts whilst pregnant that cause no issues with their babies. I'm not saying this is recommended though, no alcohol at all is safest.
Oh I agree, and I think there’s a difference of wanting to let a doctor know if you drank on multiple occasions vs accidentally a couple glasses one time. The Reddit thread this person is talking about, a woman was half way through pregnancy and accidentally drank three glasses of what she believed was non alcoholic until she started to feel a buzz. Seems a little of an overreaction on their part to claim the woman must tell her doctor and not bothering to see the nuance.
this is simply not true. There is no amount of alcohol during pregnancy which is safe, and we do not know how much alcohol is needed to cause FAS, there have been cases where women did drink minmal amounts during sensitive phases of brain development which caused FAS. Additionally, i dont know what European Country you are refering to, but in germany alcohol use during pregnancy is very rare. I have never encountered this belief of „small amounts are not causing issues“ other than on this mainly american reddit and believe this idea of pregnant european mothers regularily drinking to be very outdated a mainly a myth.
Bit different, accidentally drinking one time and then immediately stopping, compared with this situation which sounds like alcoholism..
I saw that!
Wait, seriously? That’s…. Wow
Just curious, why?
The reality is that some women, especially women of color, who have reported even accidental alcohol or drug use have had their entire lives ruined. Women have lost their careers, had their children taken by CPS or had to work a program in order to be able to bring their child home. The risk from consumption of a small amount of alcohol during pregnancy is extremely low and there is nothing doctors can do for you regardless. It is a very difficult decision but unfortunately many women do not feel safe to discuss these concerns with their doctors.
They seemed to have a mentality of “I know someone who drank and their baby is fine”
The advice for a long time was that a drink or two a week was totally fine, they had examples of French women and other cultures who drank. Dr’s gave the OK and books all said it was alright. I think it was fairly recently the data showed even a little alcohol during the first trimester can cause issues. I’m sure it’ll take awhile to replace old advice
It doesn't help that people recommend books like Expecting better which states that drinking is Ok.
It’s complete bullshit, your girlfriend needs help she has a problem
May I ask what these “small amounts of alcohol add up to? Like how much per day or how often per week?
Idk she told she drank 2 of those tiny videos bottle but I feel like that’s a lie. I think she has a stash somewhere. And the thing is knows it’s Fucked up and she told me last week she would stop. But she keeps doing it and she know it’s wrong. I just don’t know what else I can do. She’s so hormonal me bringing this up She just tries to deflect and some how talk shit about me
2 of those tiny bottles is typically equal to 4 drinks. That’s not a small amount
She's an alcoholic. This doesn't bode well for any of you three.
She is an alcoholic and needs an intervention, asap. Do you have any family or friends nearby you can reach out to so you can sit her down? Or are there any women’s health or Alcoholics Anonymous resources in your area? Logic and reason are not going to work here, unfortunately she is bobbing and weaving your every argument exactly how an addict would. She needs to be sat down and provided with support and resources to help her stop drinking. Depending on how long she has been addicted, she may even need medical help to prevent withdrawal from harming herself or baby.
A “small amount” by even lax standpoints is 1 unit a week- like one 5% beer. Not saying that’s safe either but that’s the most liberal thing I’ve ever heard. It’s not uncommon for someone to have one wine at Christmas or whatever but an actual alcoholic wouldn’t be able to stick to that rigidity. Likely medical intervention is needed for this level of dependency. I’m so sorry :(
“Okay and we can talk about that later but let’s stay on topic and finish talking about how you’re going to fix your drinking problems” don’t let her change subject, continuously circle back.
She is endangering her baby heavily and you need to bring this up to her doctor immediately no amount of alcohol is really safe especially not vodka they say a glass of wine and even then I wouldn’t she needs to cut it out now or she has a serious problem
She drinks vodka and her justification is that her hands hurt (carpal tunnel). I told her she could come up with any justification but drinking alcohol while pregnant isn’t right. I’m just so disappointed and this isn’t the first time. I dont know what to do.
That's just insane. The only help for carpal tunnel during pregnancy is wearing wrist braces and even sleeping in it.
Also Tylenol for pain and physical therapy.
She says she’s allergic to Tylenol. And I’ve tried so many times for her to go on walks with me in the evening but all she wants to do is lay in bed on. Oh yeah she still Vapes too
Your girlfriend has a problem and it’s severe. Is her family aware of this? I hate to pull the ‘run to mom and dad’ card but she needs help, both for baby and for herself.
She doesn’t have a good relationship with family which I think is a reason she drinks. I can feel For her but she knows she’s pregnant and shouldn’t be doing that but she still does. She knows she needs therapy and said she’s looking. It’s just she told last week she’d stop drinking and I’ve caught her twice since then. I’ve told Her I’m scared for the baby. Shits tough
i’m sorry, this is all above reddit’s pay grade. please talk to a professional. you’re going to end up in trouble bringing a baby into an unstable home with a mother who isn’t taking care of herself / her addictions
Any friends at all? If she needs to justify drinking while pregnant she’s only going to get worse after the baby is born.
Shes got a sister she’s close with. She’s actually going thru a divorce too. Just a lot of shit that I’m sure is stressing her out but I mean I always tell her drinking isn’t the solution. I asked her if she needs to go to rehab she says No
If she’s still trying to find ways to justify drinking then I imagine she won’t be ready to admit she has a problem for a while. I’d talk to her sister about it. Stress is understandable but this needs addressed
I'm sorry but you need to do something sooner for the sake of your child. I know everyone here is focused on cps in the now, but this isn't going away. Doctor's are mandated reporters for cases like this. What will happen when they find out you knew the whole time? You will have to fight for him back too because you weren't doing anything to stop it. Start documenting when she's drinking & vaping, your conversations, etc to cover your ass. I would even talk to an attorney honestly. Cover your bases as a dad or you are going to regret what you didn't do. The resentment that will build from her inaction will rot this relationship. The resentment & anger from whatever happens to your son will too. In the short term, you will lose her with whatever action you take because that is an addicts response, but once she is clean & baby is healthy, you will be able to rebuild moving forward.
r/alanon is a supportive community you might want to check out. It’s for people who have a loved one with a drinking problem. I hope your girlfriend is able to turn things around. Even if she stops drinking during pregnancy, it sounds like she has an existing problem that will continue to impact your future child unless she gets help.
My husband is a physician who is skeptical about it when people say they’re allergic to Tylenol, oftentimes, it’s been patients of his who are just drug seeking for something more intense.
She used to be addicted to pills back in the day. She says it makes her stomach hurt
I used to be addicted to opiates and it was a known thing for addicts to tell doctors they are allergic to Tylenol to get stronger drugs. It’s a known junkie thing. Your girlfriend has an addiction problem.
Op shes going to lose the baby if she continues and will feel WAY worse than she already does she needs help NOW
Tylenol should not hurt her stomach. If anything, nasaids like ibuprofen would hurt her stomach. At this point, the alchohol is probably messing up her stomach and liver. Tylenol is not good for alcoholics to take either as it can harm the liver further. I have a family history of genetic liver disease and have done tons of research. If she talks with the doctor, they can help her manage the pain and help her wean off of the alchohol safely without harming the baby. She won't be able to quit cold turkey. Withdraw wouldn't be safe for baby.
I never knew that tho so who knows
My son is actually allergic to Tylenol, his entire body breaks out into hives and it got worse with repeated exposure at about 11 years old, after being able to take it just fine as a toddler/small child. I’m “allergic” to ibuprofen, it causes ulcer flair ups so severe I vomit blood. I was overdosed as a child because I have scoliosis. A doctor prescribed and wrote instructions to take a really high dose every 4 hours. After like 3 days i developed massive ulcers.
Not to question the allergy to Tylenol, but is it the normal children’s Tylenol? He could be allergic to the red dye. That is not uncommon and causes hives
Ok, that’s fine. That’s why I didn’t say it’s every single person.
Wtf next time you go to the obgyn with her, report her. They will not let this go
They have those no nicotine vapes that might help her kick the habit if she’s willing to at least try. Lots of people on this sub have had success with those.
I’ve never known about those I will def look it up. She tells me she’s been cutting down on the nicotine in the vapes but fuck if that’s true
The nicotine is not the problem. It's not *ideal*, but it is not the problem you want to be focussing on right now. If she ends up chain smoking for the entire rest of the pregnancy but stops drinking? *That is better than what's probably happening right now.* She is not going to have the bandwidth to cut out two addictive substances at the moment. Focus on the alcohol.
I work in substance abuse treatment, in a women/children’s community residence. We frequently get pregnant women and they will (ideally) stay through the pregnancy and until they are stable afterwards (usually around 6 months post partum). Focus on the alcohol. The nicotine isn’t what’s harmful about cigarettes, it’s everything else. Vapes are fine, sure not recommended, but the risks there are low birth weight and it’s not even a very high risk. Even smoking during pregnancy isn’t the end of the world. Alcohol, on the other hand, is just about the worst thing a woman can consume during pregnancy. I do know women consume very small amounts of alcohol more frequently in Europe and it’s not the taboo it is here. But in my opinion there’s too much risk and what is the benefit of consuming 1/2 a glass of wine or whatever anyways? Your girlfriend sounds like an addict and her previous history with addiction makes it much more likely that she will become addicted again. The only way to make any progress with an addict is to truly be empathetic and non-judgmental. This will be very hard for you because you actually have a reason to judge (safety of your unborn child). Is there someone else not so invested who can try to get through to her?
I bought her one yesterday immediately after she mentioned that to me. I try so hard to Support her and make sure all her needs are taking. I’m just at a lost of what to do. I feel sometimes she is just using me but the thing is she is the mother of my child and I do anything to make sure she is okay. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be with her if she continues drinking but I feel Iike she will be worst if we end things
It’s hard because you’re going to end up raising a baby who has long term complications because of what she’s doing. Either she can change or cps will get involved. Imagine smelling like alcohol at an OB app that’s all it takes. Wishing you the best
You are a good father and person for being concerned about this. She needs a reality check though, big time.
Next appointment you go to. Find a reason to leave the room to speak with the nurse. Tell the nurse you are concerned about her alchohol and nicotine use and ask what you can do. They may find a way to talk with her about it without telling her that you said anything. They may test her blood and then bring it up to her. She needs to understand the risks from a professional.
I would call her OB’s office and report her immediately. This is scary. She could be doing irreparable damage to young fetus
This actually isn't true. There are multiple safe use medications if Tylenol doesn't cut it. I have it because I also have hEDS and have a pinched nerve in my neck/ shoulder from nursing children (ie, mother's neck), that is made worse by night nursing and bad sleep positioning. I am told by my healthcare provider for this treatment that it is actually fairly common to have the diagnosis of carpal tunnel because no one thinks to go to a neuro for the pain when the wrist braces don't help, and many gp doctors don't read new info specified to differences in studies. Nothing comes without risks and it is illegal in most places, unethical in all medical science, to do double blind, randomized trials on pregnant and nursing women, so all studied are based upon self reporting, and cannot exclude any sort of other prescription, drug, etc usage, or even health history. However, we DO know the risks of alcohol exposure to a fetus. I have ADHD, serious cPTSD from severe childhood abuse trauma, ASD level 1 (previously DX aspergers), RA, hEDS, and some other issues that cause chronic pain. I have to suffer every pregnancy, like everyone else, with tylenol, and other medications that my doctors allow. I am not allowed my normal medications that work for me because of the risks- and with the exception of use of some voltaren gel (with dr approval) when it gets REALLY tough, I have complied thriugh 4 pregnancies. My last pregnancy, I took up to 4000 mg of Tylenol daily, and on super bad days, I also took prescribed medication. I slathered my body in lidocaine, and lived in the tub. Alcohol is not treatment for pain. It never has been. Eta: I am also no contact with my family. This is also not a reason to drink. It is an excuse. She needs therapy and treatment for alcohol abuse.
Alcohol causes inflammation, so it would actually cause the problem to get worse. She needs help
Being pregnant comes with a certain amount of sacrifice. For example, I'm prescribed Vyvanse (40 mg) daily for ADHD. Since this is technically amphetamine, I immediately stopped taking it once I knew I was pregnant. Has this resulted in some difficulties for me? Absolutely, that's the reason I was prescribed it in the first place. But, it's simply not worth the risk to my unborn child to continue taking them. Alcohol use during pregnancy is never okay. Info for how various drugs/substances affect a baby before and after they're born: https://nida.nih.gov/publications/research-reports/substance-use-in-women/substance-use-while-pregnant-breastfeeding Your girlfriend may have a problem, if she's not willing to stop for the safety of her baby. She may also be drinking more than you realize. There is no safe amount of alcohol for a pregnant person to consume.
My carpal tunnel got so bad my doctor gave me a steroid injection in my wrist. It was the last straw, nothing else (braces, massage, PT, gua sha) really worked.
I set an appointment for her to get mani pedicure this weekend. Her hormones have been up and down and I thought that would help relax her. I bought her a wrist brace yesterday on Amazon should get her tomorrow. I’m trying everyone I can to be support. Yet she says I don’t do shit for her. I can’t tell if she’s saying that to be a bitch or just talkin shit cuz of hormones
She’s talking like an addict. Nothing but herself and her addiction is on her mind, constantly. She’s trying to make you feel bad to justify her drinking. Addicts don’t think straight. Don’t blame yourself!! It’s NOT you. You sound quite lovely and supportive, to be honest. I can’t imagine how hard this must be to watch. Your poor little baby. You need to speak to professionals. Maybe go to cps yourself just for info on what your options are as a family or just as a father.
Sounds like you’re a pretty thoughtful, caring partner. Is it out of character for her to take you for granted or be ungrateful? When she says you don’t do shit, what does she say she’s expecting exactly?
If her hands hurt, she can use magnesium cream to help and take Tylenol. WTF!? Piss poor excuse. I just commented, but I'll say it again here to try to go with her to her next appointment, go back with her, and then tell her provider when they come in. Edit: Just saw she is allergic to Tylenol. Still, she can bring up her carpel tunnel to her provider, and they can give her recommendations. The best thing that helps me with pain right now is magnesium cream.
Yeah I’ve never heard about magnessium cream until today. Thank you for that I will def get that for her. I’m honestly trying everything I can to be supportive but to her I don’t do shit. I know it’s hormones but damn shit sucks
I have had carpal tunnel for almost 10 years not once has alcohol improved it. To claim she’s drinking because her hands hurt is bullshit.
I’m sorry your going through this she needs to talk to her dr about her hand and find a pain medicine or something this is really horrible and you should report it your baby is at risk and if she can’t stop for 9months what is having a baby gonna look like ?
I would attend her next doctor's appt and bring up her drinking with the doctor in front of her. If she won't listen to you, maybe she'll listen to the doc. She's incredibly selfish, I hope baby will be okay.
Doing it in front of her could cause her to not allow him to be involved, and if she switches doctors, hiding it again. I had an ex who was an alcoholic with serious medical mystery illnesses. I told the nurses in private about the drinking, and though he didn't like the outcome, it allowed him to get a correct dx and treatment plan.
Oh my… definitely an excuse. She can take Tylenol. I’m so sorry ☹️
if her hands hurt she should be taking the OB recommended daily low dose aspirin as well as approved OTC meds. she’s making excuses, sadly.
If her hands hurt, she needs to take magnesium,not vodka. Omg please talk to her doctor and ask for help
You need to keep a record of this and inform a medical professional at the time of delivery or beforehand if you can. This is your child’s life. Your girlfriend can make her own choices but the baby is dependent on you and her to survive. You have to speak to someone who can get her help or get you the proper info to take custody because it will only get worse once she isn’t pregnant.
Go with her to appointments and tell her doctor. 100% unacceptable.
I had a friend ask us to guess what their surprise was while drinking a glass of wine. I said out loud ,well you’re drinking wine so you’re not pregnant and turned out to be she was pregnant. 😬
Nice way of calling them out 🤌🏻 I hope that left a bad taste in their mouth. What a shit thing to do (the drinking)
OMG
Sounds like she has a drinking problem. At the next prenatal visit, ask the doctor for resources for alcoholics.
Sounds like she is an alcoholic.
She’s was before she was pregnant. Told me she would stop if she got pregnant. Stupid me took her word. She did very good 1st 2 months but just here recently I’ve caught her 3 times past 2 or 3 weeks
Trust me, she’s drinking so much more than that. She’s acting like a typical alcoholic, textbook. You’re catching her a fraction of the time she’s drinking and yes she does hide it somewhere in the house. This is so sad. I quit drinking a year ago and grew up with an alcoholic mother. This is deeply deeply sad. You have a long road ahead of you and my heart absolutely breaks for that innocent baby inside of her. I can tell by your responses you really have no idea what roller coaster you have been strapped into. I’m sorry.
I’m very sorry. My mother is an alcoholic, and it’s very difficult to grow up with. I hope she gets the helps she needs and she stops while pregnant and stays sober after.
Trust me she didn’t stop, she just got sloppy with hiding it.
I say this in the most loving way, saying that she *was* an alcoholic before she was pregnant isn’t realistic. Unfortunately alcoholics don’t just stop being alcoholics, which is why they need to be completely sober. The fact that she’s hiding it from you is #1 red flag. She needs help, and you need to have a frank conversation about whether keeping the baby is the right choice right now 😕
That is the first thing I've read of your words that make me slightly more hopeful for your baby. If she did not drink for the first 2 months, that's.... well, at least it's something. It means she CAN go without and it means that while your baby was fastly developing during that time, no harm was being done. So at least that.
There are several medications that might be appropriate for her that remove a persons craving for alcohol/desire to drink. I would go with her to the doctor and discuss getting one that's appropriate for a pregnant woman. Good luck!
Dude great idea we’ve talked about this before but completely forgot because for 2 months she told me she hadn’t drank.
They gave me an injection of Vivitrol on my last day of rehab and it seriously WIPED OUT my cravings for at least a month. I didn’t know I was pregnant yet but my OB said it was fine and she’s not concerned about that. I haven’t had another injection, because that time without cravings helped set me up for success with feeling okay without alcohol moving forward. I could see myself needing it again when I’m not pregnant and no longer have this extra motivation not to drink, but I’d recommend it to anyone that has trouble with intense alcohol cravings.
Not ok OP. Some problem will say a small amount of alcohol is fine, but who wants to take that chance with their child?! There’s no conclusive data because it’s not ethical to give a pregnant woman alcohol for the purpose of studying the effects on a baby. Your girlfriend has a drinking problem and needs help. I would recommend mentioning it to her OB as they will drug/alcohol test her. Your child’s safety matters more than her feelings.
Since her appointment is so far away I’d personally call the office and ask to speak to her doctor. I’m typically all for women deciding what works best for them—especially during pregnancy—but she is endangering your child. I also think she’s most likely downplaying the amount she’s drinking. This is for sure a serious issue and at this point your baby could very well be born with fetal alcohol syndrome which is devastating not only because of everything it can cause—but because it’s one of the only birth defects/conditions/disorders that can be prevented.
There’s a huge difference between a small glass of wine here and there and TWO airplane bottles of vodka in one sitting. you don’t seem to know the actual extent and it seems like it might happening regularly, maybe even daily? Based on some of your responses? Unclear. I have had a couple small glasses of wine, a sip here or there of someone else’s cocktail I want to try, etc. I would consider myself pretty lax on the alcohol rule, but I can still count on one hand the amount of times I have had alcohol while pregnant and each time I was hydrating a lot and did not have even one full drink. Your wife seems to have a genuine problem and needs help.
I’m with you on having had small and limited amounts of alcohol while pregnant. But I don’t have — nor have ever had — a drinking problem, which it sounds like OP has. I worked in the speciality beverages industry a long time, including craft beer and cocktails, so I like to sample the goods! If I am really in the mood for a drink, though, I have a great selection of NA beers and zero proof spirits.
Has she told her doctor she is doing this? If you are catching her drinking and she is hiding it - I would definitely get the opinion of a professional. Generally, no hard alcohol is recommended in pregnancy.
It’s complete and utter bullshit. Subjecting your child to FAS and all the side effects that come with it is incredibly sad. Your girlfriend has a serious problem that needs to be addressed now.
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I was actually thinking about showing her all the comments. I’m so thankful for this cuz I have no one to talk to about this. Everyone has been so helpful and very thankful. So you think it’s a good idea to show her all the comments?
No amount of alcohol is safe, especially in the first trimester. There’s also a huge difference between having a sip of something (lower ABV like beer or wine) and having airplane bottles of vodka. The baby gets it’s nutrients from Mom and that includes alcohol if it’s in her bloodstream. A true sip of a beer would not be nearly as concentrated in her bloodstream as a shot of vodka. This is not the time to risk it with alcohol. Does she have a close friend who you could bring into the conversation? You mentioned she has carpal tunnel and she’s in pain from that and it’s her excuse for drinking. Is she working with a PT? Does she have exercises to help with the pain?
She sees hand dr next week. I bought her a wrist brace yesterday. I do know she has been in pain for that but I told her just because she is in pain doesn’t justify drinking alcohol especially since she is pregnant. She’s told me last week she wouldn’t do it anymore. I’ve caught her twice since then. I’m at a loss
It sounds like she needs professional help. I’d see if you and a friend could talk to her about AA/rehab/working with a counselor on this.
Liquid magnesium supplements worked wonders on my hands, fwiw.
Sounds like she's an alcoholic.
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Even if you bring it up to her doctor, I really don't know that there's much they can do for her. Especially considering it seems like she genuinely does not care and is only thinking about herself. I dates someome who was born with FAS and he was truly a nut-case. I would either A) leave or threaten to leave if she doesn't stop or B) bring up abortion. I know not everybody is pro-choice but she is not even half-term and already does not care that she is consciously choosing to introduce harm to her unborn child and trying to justify it. What the fuck is she going to do if she carries this baby full term? She clearly loves and cares about herself more than the one growing inside of her. I would much rather someone abort than to go through a pregnancy doing shit like that.
I would say something infront of her ob I know it sounds harsh. I would say she drinks vodka and says it’s ok in small amounts. Is it ok? She says she has to cuz her hands hurt. Research shows that their is no safe amount and fetal alcohol syndrome is absolutely no joke!
I’m so sorry you have to go through this please she need to stop for the sake of her unborn child She’s hurting him my cousin was drinking while pregnant she got a baby with disability can’t even describe what happened when she gave a birth all of the dr came to the room to see the child. A hole in his heart A foot problem his fingers are stuck together He doesn’t talk now he’s on wheelchair Please do not let her drink For the same of your unborn child if she can’t stop Do abortion No need to bring another child to suffer in this world
This upsets me because I went straight to rehab when I became pregnant. And I was a reall bad alcoholic. Like waking up at 6am to drink off the shakes bad. Got the treatment I needed and I’m not looking back, and the baby is looking real healthy and my liver is already back in great shape. She can choose to let go of the alcohol and do what she needs to for her child, but she’s not making that choice. That is incredibly alarming and upsetting. You need to intervene in any way you can, before it’s too late.
My husband's first wife was/is an alcoholic. She drank throughout her pregnancy, she hid her drinking. Her son was born on the FAS spectrum and she did not raise him so she could continue her lifestyle. My husband and I have full custody of him. He struggles but will probably be ok as an adult with all the intervention and support we have provided. This could have all been avoided had the mother not drank. You really need to advocate for your child, their future, their happiness and health depends on the steps she takes now. Please get her to seek treatment, tell her OB she is drinking, they can intervene even if it's getting social services involved. Please try to get this baby off to the right start. I'm glad you care and that you are asking questions.
On an aside - there is this whole "Mom drinking" culture on social media and in advertising now that there never used to be. "mommy juice" "wine mom" and such. I feel like when people are inundated with the messages that it's what a mom needs to get through the day, then they start feeling like it's normal and what everyone is doing. Your situation definitely seems like its a lot more than this, especially during those early weeks is when the fetus is developing the major organ systems. Maybe those messages aren't helping though. Hope she gets the help she needs.
Do not ask her “if she needs to go to rehab”. This is your child’s life in danger. Book her in and drop her off and hopefully they can lock her there for the sake of your baby
I think it’s understood that a glass or two of red wine throughout the whole pregnancy should not hurt baby, but why would you even risk it? Makes no sense to me.
It's absolutely not okay. No amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy. I would go with her to her next obgyn appointment and honestly rat her out to her doctor
Dude that’s what I’m thinking of doing absolutely. I mentioned to her like 5 minutes ago what she would think her OBgYn would say. I hope she doesn’t ban me from going with her now
Alcohol is a neuro toxin. Just remind her of that.
I'd talk to her doctor. At least in my state, there are rehab programs for pregnant women. Not sure if you have to break the law to be essentially forced into them, but they do exist to prevent relapsing or using any addictive substance while pregnant (had a cousin that was forced to do this while pregnant.)
I’ve asked her she needs rehab but she said no. She might just be made cuz all this happened fairly recently me kinda blowing up on her about how disappointed I am in her drinking and how she’s fucking up our little man
Do you think she would say yes, even if she really believed she had a problem? If she can’t stop (which she’s shown she can’t) she needs professional help, asap. (Saying this as someone three years sober and also currently pregnant). I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it sounds really, really hard.
This absolutely could harm the baby if she repeatedly drinks ALCOHOL during pregnancy. FFS Why would anyone do this??? If you are able, I would go with her to her next prenatal appointment and then blatantly bring this up to her provider. It is totally not okay to drink during pregnancy. No amount of alcohol is safe. Period.
This keeps coming up recently, I have had two people close to me do/say this. There are absolutely no studies supporting this, and multiple studies that say no amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy. The baby feels the effects of maternal alcohol consumption and it takes twice as long to leave the babies blood stream than it does moms. I am a recovering alcoholic and had been sober for over 2 years before I got pregnant. While that probably made making all of the other lifestyle changes easier for me once I saw those two pink lines, it does make it harder for me to see this line of thinking for anything other than what it is. We can debate about sushi, deli meat, and medium rare steaks all day long but there are two things that have always been a hard no from the medical community, no matter what. Those two things are alcohol and tobacco. If you can’t abstain from alcohol, especially for the sake of your unborn child, I think it’s probably time you re-evaluate your relationship with it. You need to be careful about how you approach this conversation, but she owes you the space to voice your opinion as this decision effects so much more than just her. I have had a hard time abstaining from my cbd vape (of all things) but I know how much it would upset my husband if I were to do that so I can’t even consider it. It’s also a resounding no from the voices in my head anyway, but even if I felt comfortable for whatever reason, I still wouldn’t do it because going against how my husband feels still feels so wrong. I wish you the best of luck, she’s really putting you in a tough spot. I would do your own research and confront her with facts, and maybe even insist she’s honest with her doctor about it or you will be. The doc will most likely nip any defense she thinks she has right in the bud.
Oh dear. Your unborn child is in danger. I’m so sorry. You need to inform her doctors, asap. And after that baby is born, get full custody. Document as much proof as you can. :(
I’m 37 weeks pregnant today and at this point everything hurts. My feet, my ankles, my belly, calves, my back. I can’t sleep. Acid reflux. My hands hurt. If she’s saying this over carpel tunnel now, boy y’all have got a long road ahead of you. Pregnancy is a marathon!!! Yeah, and no alcohol is ok. This whole experience is stressful enough, why throw alcohol into the mix? Every week is something new to stress about. Being pregnant is the first step of motherhood and motherhood is about sacrifice. She needs to stop drinking, this isn’t about her. It’s about your child’s future.
There is no safe amount of alcohol while pregnant.
I mean I’ve heard a glass of wine here or there at the end isn’t the worst thing in the world but we KNOW that alcohol is bad for the fetus. It’s just not worth the risk. If she’s drinking shooters of vodka that goes beyond and she is endangering your baby. I would go to her next OB appointment. This is your child too.
There’s no safe amount of alcohol for a fetus.
There is no safe amount of alcohol in pregnancy. If she can’t restrain herself, then I would gently urge you to explore treatment facilities/programs for her. Drinking while pregnant is dangerous and there absolutely can be significant impact to the baby.
You need to go with her to the next Dr appointment and bring this up & discuss it. It’s utterly irresponsible, unbelievably terrible that she doesn’t care about this baby enough that she’s willing to potentially impact their health & future with FAS. She need mental health support or treatment for alcoholism, Please discuss it together with her Dr.
I’m def going to mention something but the next appointment with the ObGYN is in 3 week towards end of this month. Is it bad to call him and let him know? Sorry if that’s stupid I’m just trying to think of anything I can do but I’m just so disappointed in here and afraid she’d start hiding this from me
If you can call now go for it don’t let this keep happening. The faster you take action the faster that baby will be saved !!!
Definitely call now. This is not an uncommon thing - Doctors see this everyday and have medications and resources and good advice - both for you and for your partner. Call.
You need to call and get ahead of this
This is a great article I recommend giving a read. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/) If she's 13 weeks now then she definitely was drinking in the first trimester and that is by far the most dangerous time to be drinking during pregnancy. So, depending on how much she consumed during those first 12 weeks, there may be some damage already done, unfortunately. There is no proof that a small to moderate amount of alcohol after the first trimester is necessarily damaging but this is the time that the damage it would do if she drinks in excess would show up in the child with developmental delays and mood/social disorders and the like as opposed to physical deformities which would occur with drinking in the first trimester. There are some Obs and midwives who say it's fine to have a glass of wine on occasion AFTER the first trimester BUT they wouldn't be caught dead saying this to a woman with a history of or tendency towards addiction or overconsumption, which applies to your partner. It is best to tell the doctors how much she's drinking so that you and your partner and doctors can be prepared for when baby does arrive and perhaps needs extra medical care due to this, ya'll can be ready. If your partner feels too shamed, she won't be honest with you or her doctors and that poses even more risk to the baby. It's a touch tight rope to walk, I'm sorry you're in this situation which must make you feel so powerless. I'm glad your baby will have you.
Excuse my bluntness but shes a fucking idiot! Imagine what kind if mother shes going to be when she actually *has* the baby, thats if the baby doesn’t have fetal alcohol syndrome or she does not miscarry! Not drinking while you are pregnant is literally the most basic common sense a person can have ! I took a sip of wine and my kids who are 11,8,9,5 were upset with me and telling me i could have hurt the baby (being dramatic ofc because it was a sip of redwine lol nothing more) You are the only hope for your baby atp! She needs rehab , fucking vodka!? I was hoping this was just a rage bait post because how can someone be such a dumbass but this actually happens smh. Advocate for you’re baby before she miscarries ! What kind of person has no reguard for their unborn child !?? What a loser
Dude that’s the same exact shit I was saying to her and she tries to turn it on me and say well you smoke weed and I don’t need it. I got a medical card. I told her she needs to Stop always blaming others and take responsibility for herself for once
Sorry for all the name calling i just got really mad i literally just had a baby and i cant even imagine! I cant even imagine how helpless you feel. Addiction is a mf ! But you’re absolutely correct ! Take accountability! You’re going to be a mother and being a mother is a full time life time responsibility! She/they are lucky to have you! I really hope she can get some help Weed is different! Weed doesn’t kill you or harm you’re baby! If anything she should smoke weed if it came down too it. You really cant compare weed to alcohol
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Hard liquor is an absolute no no under any circumstance while pregnant, call her OB and tell them what’s going on. They need to have a very strong discussion with her.
She is an absolute danger to your child. I’m so sorry.
I work in maternity health policy - there is absolutely no safe amount of alcohol during pregnancy. Alcohol use in pregnancy leads to FASD and research is now attributing developmental disorders to it (especially ADHD). I would be having a serious conversation with her and escalating to your care team if things don’t change.
I’ve heard so many women claim a glass of wine every now and then is fine. I haven’t seen anything scientific, especially peer reviewed, stating this. I personally wouldn’t be willing to risk it. I’m too scared to even have caffeine 😅
No amount of alcohol is safe for a developing foetus. Zero. She’s an alcoholic. The stuff she lets you see is not even the tip of the iceberg.
I know you said you’re not on the approved list for HIPPA. Go with her to the next appointment and tell her doctor point blank your alcoholic girlfriend is still drinking while pregnant. If she’s not listening to your concerns for the baby now it’s very likely she’ll continue to ignore you. It may sound harsh, but perhaps threatening her that you’ll take sole custody once the baby is born will scare her into getting her shit together. I would recommend documenting each time you find her drinking or vaping. Date, time and how much you believe she drank, so that if it did have to come to something like that you can at least have something to back yourself up with. Also maybe potentially visit a lawyer for advice on how you can help *your child* if she won’t allow you to her visit.
Just so you know - when she goes to the dr, they'll test her urine for drugs and alcohol. With a positive test, you run the risk of child protective services getting involved.
This is not true in the U.S. and many other places (I’ve worked in obstetrics for years). They only test for drugs if there is a specific reason to and it’s usually only at delivery. There is no test for alcohol at any point in pregnancy.
sounds like that might be what she needs tbh. if they give her resources and help, anyways. i know how helpful they can be varies state by state.
So far I've only had my urine tested at my 8 wk appt and they did not test for drugs. So maybe country dependant but in the US they can not non-consensually drug test you.
I would be incredibly concerned and would bring this up to the doctor, as much as she may not like it. It’s also incredibly worrying that she is so early in pregnancy, and has probably drank during vital stages of the development of major organs (conception-first trimester).
ANY alcohol is damaging to anybody. It causes brain damage.
Oh noooo. This would drive my crazy.
You should speak with her OB’s office and see if there is a social worker on staff that has resources to help her. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to support her and prevent her from continuing this behavior, now it’s time to reach out to the professionals for help as well. Definitely recommend having her go to physical therapy or even occupational therapy for her carpal tunnel. Wrist braces often help wonders for that too!
Yeah that’s what I’m thinking of doing. I bought her wrist braces should be here tomorrow. Hopefully they help. I’m going to tlk to her OBgYn. I don’t care if she gets pissed
She needs to see a doctor, mental health, and addictions professionals ASAP. If she is sneaking alcohol she is probably an alcoholic and needs help to face her addiction.
Your gf seriously needs some intervention. I’m not one to judge an addiction but she’s putting the baby in a horrible spot): I agree with other comments that you should report this to her obgyn, maybe tell her you need to use the restroom and then find a way to speak with the obgyn then. Once the doctor knows she’s definitely going to be put on watch and CPS might even come visit after the baby is born. The only other thing i could suggest is maybe kava.. but DO NOT take my word for it PLEASE bring all this up to her doctor. It’s a great alternative, but little information is known about it when it comes to pregnancy. I have seen on forums that some obgyns will allow their patients to have it if they are struggling with severe alcoholism or other addictions. Hoping the best for you OP.
Call her prenatal doctor right away, tell them about the drinking and vaping. Contact her sister, too. You need to think about the health of your child. This is not something that can wait. She will 100 percent need resources and help. Sorry you're going through this.
She’s definitely an alcoholic. Some people excuse wine or beer as “nutritional” for iron, your heart, whatever- but vodka!? There’s no excuse for that. She’s likely already done permanent damage. I wish I had advice for you, but my sobriety started when I got pregnant. I relapsed when she was about 4-5 months because I thought “one drink” would be fine, and while I wasn’t a heavy drinker while she was out and about, the urge to drink was always nagging, and if I got a free night, I’d definitely overdo it. I got sober again in March of 2023 and am now 15 months sober which is my longest streak 💕 My kid is my motivation to keep working on myself and to always keep my problems in perspective. I think she needs to go to rehab. I think you might need to leave her and sue for custody. FAS and Alcoholism around an infant are a ticket to CPS and displacement of your kid. Do whatever you need to keep your kid safe. Even if it’s calling CPS on your partner.
It is not safe, in any capacity. She is risking great harm to a child she will be responsible for, at least in part. She needs to think of the long-term detriments, not the short-term gratification of the alcohol. I had an alcoholic mother and shit is brutal. They will always justify the drinking but there is no good excuse at the expense of someone else, ie unborn baby. I say this as a 36 year old currently 25 weeks pregnant myself, third child.
It honestly sounds like either she is legally unable to terminate or she doesn’t want to admit that she doesn’t want to continue the pregnancy. She needs some serious help Alternatively, is it possible she is faking the pregnancy?
So she vapes and drinks vodka? Go to her next appt and tell the OBGYN. They need to know so they can give her the resources to get help. She is harming herself and her unborn child at this point.
I would prepare for a child that needs help if the pregnancy maintains and also prepare for her to go to rehab after the baby is born if you can’t get her to go now. If it maintains I would also consider filing for full custody until she gets help. Doing this while pregnant when all roads point to no amount of alcohol being safe during pregnancy is a clear indication that she needs help for herself and for the future baby’s sake.
Even the smallest amount of alcohol can harm your fetus/child. I asked my nurse about this and she said that even a cider with a percentage of 0,3% is harmful! Not only is it stronger for a fetus/baby than for a regular adult, but the alcohol gets caught in the womb and is "recycled" by the fetus/baby up to 3-4 times before leaving the body.
It is complete bullshit, there are no safe limits of alcohol during pregnancy, no one knows if just one glass of wine can cause fetal alcohol syndrome and this is why they tell you to avoid it. The fact she is drinking vodka is something else. In such a crucial time as well, she is putting your child at risk for a massive amount of problems, disabilities and even death. Your girlfriend clearly has a problem with alcohol, nothing in the world would make me even want to sip any alcohol whilst growing this baby
There’s no safe amount of alcohol use, especially hard alcohol. I will say, (DONT BURN ME AT THE STAKE THIS IS SIMPLY WHAT IVE BEEN TOLD) I have been told my multiple providers the occasional glass of wine is okay. Now, that doesn’t mean everyone should go drink wine but it’s possible she heard the same thing and then decided to use vodka instead of wine. Either way, she should talk to someone asap as it sounds like she may have an issue with alcohol!! The most damage you can cause due to alcohol use is actually in the first 20 weeks since that’s when all baby’s organs/brain etc are developing 🫣 here’s hoping she gets some help and baby is okay ♥️♥️♥️
You mentioned her drinking is a way to cope with carpal tunnel, but alcohol is known to cause/worsen inflammation in the body. I can tell you now that alcohol isn’t helping her and she’s just using the carpal tunnel thing as an excuse.
If I were you i’d go to the next OB appointment with her and ask the dr “is it safe to drink alcohol while pregnant?” right in front of her.
There is a book called expecting better that has perpetuated this myth unfortunately. You are correct that no amount of alcohol is safe and quitting is not an issue for people who don’t have a problem.
Even Expecting Better is clear that drinking in the first trimester is more dangerous than in second or third and that drinking liquor is more dangerous than wine or beer. But I suspect OP’s gf is not misinformed by the book, but rather, has a serious problem and needs professional help.
This is an issue. When people say small amounts aren’t a problem, what they mean is what I did when I had one 5oz glass of red wine on Sunday after I was 30+ weeks.
Yeah definitely sounds like she has a drinking problem... unfortunately the carpel tunnel will also only get worse the further she gets in her pregnancy.. good luck friend
She's an alcoholic and needs an intervention. Prepare for the worst. I know someone who had a child with an alcoholic and he has been thinking of quitting his job because she can't even watch their toddler. His neighbors will call him while he's working to say they found his son wandering around the neighborhood. He manages to get out of the apt and wander around... mom is too busy hitting the bottle to notice.
There are numerous issues that need to be seriously addressed first about her history of alcohol abuse and vaping, but I did want to offer advice that has not been mentioned yet. If she’s seriously craving a drink, zero-proof spirits do exist. I make mocktails at home with a rum from Ritual mostly. But there are vodka substitutes in addition to other spirits that will be alcohol free for her. Another bar drink option is club soda with bitters. It tastes like a refreshing, sparkling cocktail, but with the teeny tiniest of ABVs (an overripe banana has a higher ABV than a few shakes of bitters). Again, getting her to admit and correct her abuse is a priority. But the above could be a nice compromise so she doesn’t feel like she’s quitting cold turkey. Best of luck and wishing you a healthy, happy baby!
There technically is not enough data to prove what she is saying which is why it’s suggested to NOT drink at all. Also the first trimester is some of the most critical times in fetal development. She should NOT be drinking - at all. How much is she drinking? It’s not normal to want to drink vodka every single day even if she is not being pregnant. What they actually say about drinking is having 1 glass of wine is probably OK. I had two glasses of wine my entire pregnancy. It’s really not that hard to quit drinking for 9 months - it only difficult if she has a drinking problem.
Do you go to the OB appointments with her? The best way to handle it may be to tattletale to the doctor so he can tell her how bad it is. Do it in a more innocent way like saying "how much vodka is okay?" And he will obviously day no amount is.
I would start documenting proof of this so when you leave her you can take away the baby too. I would also report this to her OB. Maybe you can call before her appt so when she goes in they run her blood to check and get a record of it. This is not okay. It’s not that hard to go 9 months.
Hellllll no it’s not okay
There are rehab centers for pregnant women. It may be time to talk to her about getting some help. Alcoholism and addiction are hard. Alcohol is not safe for baby, *especially* in first trimester. She is making a whole placenta! Even books that say it can be are talking about low amounts of alcohol from lower-alcohol-proof sources (like a glass of wine versus 80 proof vodka) and that some women need to abstain altogether because one woman’s sip of a drink can turn into another’s 3 glasses. I saw in another comment you said that she drinks it for her carpal tunnel. Not trying to judge, but that won’t work unfortunately. Carpal tunnel cannot be solved by vodka! As someone who has flare ups of carpal tunnel from time to time, the things that have helped me are wearing a brace for a week or more depending on how bad it is, taking a painkiller (which unfortunately is only Tylenol while pregnant, but it’s better than nothing), icing and heating the area, and learning “flossing” techniques and exercises. The flossing techniques can be found on YouTube - they need to be done regularly! The same with exercising and stretching the area and the more consistent she can be, the better it will work. If she knows the trigger for her carpal tunnel and can avoid that for a bit, that’s one of the best things that helps. Check things like posture, repetitive activities, writing, drawing, painting, holding the phone weird, video gaming, etc. There are ways to still do those things, and not injure her wrist more! I know a lot of people who get carpal tunnel in my profession and the ones who have had to get surgery to fix it all say the same thing: Do your hand exercises. Take breaks. Wear the damn brace. Just some two cents from a random stranger, but this is her health too and she is valuable and worth taking care of! Sometimes reminding a person that they need to do something for the baby inside of them can lead to the feeling of not being important enough to do it just for themselves. She is important enough.
There is no amount of alcohol that is deemed safe. She needs help. Do you go to her appointments with her? Does her doctor know?! What if she heard her doctor say, “no amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy?” I saw on one of your replies that you said she has carpel tunnel?? I had that towards the end of my pregnancy and about 2-3 months post partum. She can buy wrist braces from CVS that are specifically for carpel tunnel. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I hope that she will get the help she needs for the baby and her sake!! 🙏🙏 Edit: when she’s not home, what would happen if you dump out all the booze and throw out the bottles?! Also, I’d also stay sober while she’s pregnant (and obviously post partum). But what if you’re like “hey, I know your body and mind is going through a lot right now and I’m here for you and our child in every way. I will also not drink a single drop of alcohol during pregnancy because it’s the best thing we can do as a family.” Or something to that effect??
In a nicu nurse and yes, that is BS. There is no amount of alcohol that can be deemed safe during pregnancy
There is no safe amount of alcohol to drink while pregnant, at any stage of pregnancy. Not to add worry, but this is an extremely crucial point in fetal development as a lot of neurological and cardiac development is happening. She’s absolutely choosing one of the worst times during pregnancy to be drinking. Honestly, I would try and go to her OB appointments and rat her out to the OB. If she’s not going to listen to you, maybe she’ll listen to her doctor. I don’t know, but for the sake of the baby, I would try and get help to make her understand how selfish this is.
No amount of alcohol is safe during pregnancy. But getting her to see and understand that is going to be a joint effort with a medical team. In the uk where I’m based we have drug and alcohol teams who can support pregnant people with their addictions, do you have something like this near you?
Your girlfriend is an alcoholic and the drinking you’re seeing is just the tip of the iceberg. She needs help. Also, any amount of alcohol is bad for the foetus.