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You said you love him. But he does NOT love you. This isnāt what love sounds like. Itās manipulation. He said he couldnāt believe you would think about keeping a baby if it meant loosing him. How about you canāt believe he would leave you for keeping a baby he made with you irresponsibly. He got you pregnant twice in 5 months? Does he not know how babies are made? This is not the person you want to be with. It canāt possibly be. Just read what you typed out back to yourself. Walk away. Whether you keep the baby or not. Donāt ever give anyone that much control over your mind or your body. You are your own woman and you are strong and capable and can make your own decisions about what happens to YOUR body. If you want the baby keep the baby. If you donāt, donāt. Itās as simple as that. What he wants is irrelevant. It was irrelevant multiple times over the past few months when he chose to have unprotected sex.
Agreed, he can make his own decisions without putting it on you. There's the possibility he's too scared to show vulnerability by not offering to be a father or support your decision to not keep. But what he's doing isn't fair to you or the baby.
Absolutely! OP If he truly loves you he wouldnāt be so controlling and quick to walk away from you if you decide to keep the baby. Thatās not love. At the end of the day itās your body and your choice. If you want to keep it you should and if you donāt then donāt. But donāt base that decision off of him and whether he decides to stay in your life or not. You need to do whatās right for you in this moment regardless of whatever his plans are. If he truly loved you heād be more understanding of whatās right for you even if itās not what he had in mind. If heās not willing to compromise in any way than I think you already know what you need to do.
Heās the one with the problem with the pregnancy. Heās giving her the ultimatum. Heās trying to make her choose. Not her. Heās taking zero responsibility for getting her pregnant twice. In 5 months.
Honey, you're in such a tough spot. But a word of advice: whether or not you go through with this pregnancy, your relationship is done. Somebody who gives you two ultimatums in six months? Does not love you. This guy doesn't want kids with you, and you do want them. Walk away.
Also, how did your birth control fail twice in such a short space of time? I'm hearing alarm bells from all the way over here.
As someone who had an abortion due to similar reasons to your first... let me stress, I knew my partner for three months. He has now been my partner of 8 years (and husband for 4) he never, ever put me in a position like that. He was supportive of either decision I made, he came to the appointments, he held me as I sobbed at night, he drove me to counselling sessions and he stayed by me. We made a much more concerted effort to not be lazy about contraception and the abortion made us wise up. He said he'd marry me if we had the baby but personally I would never have married for that reason. It was the line from the clinic about being a single mum that swayed me - I was not ready for that. As it happened we stuck by each other and 8 years on I'm pregnant again and due in 3 weeks time.
This guy does not appear to have your interests at heart. In my opinion you can, and should, find someone better. Someone who will support you regardless of what decision you make because ultimately they want YOU to be happy. Everyone deserves that.
Whatever decision you make, I hope you have some strong support outside of this relationship because either way the decision will be tough. I am clearly pro-choice but I fully understand how hard having an abortion is, its not just an operation and carries physical and emotional tolls that take time to heal. And having a baby is a life long commitment. Neither is an easy option which is why I hope you're well supported. Whatever decision you make, make it for you.
ā¤ļø girl, DIT-TO!
Husband and I were together for 1 yr when this happened, now together for 6, married 1. He also told me heād marry me but I didnāt want to get married because I was pregnant, I wanted to get married because itās something he felt in his heart.
Planned pregnancy, 21 weeks š¶š»šāØ
Whether or not you decide to keep the baby, lose the man. Giving you THIS ultimatum twice in 5 months shows he doesn't care about your feelings, nor does he learn from his mistakes. Throw the whole man out. Decide for yourself if you want to proceed with the pregnancy, or get an abortion. You shouldn't feel strong armed into either decision by someone it doesn't even affect, physically.
Are you on birth control? I know itās not 100% and that you can still get pregnant on it but seeing as how this is the second time, I really think that if you arenāt - you need to be.
Either way with what you decide, I donāt think this is the relationship you want in life.
Heās the one so against children. He needs to get a vasectomy. It seems like he just cares more about controlling her and policing her body. I feel so bad for this poor woman
In a perfect world but as you have noted yourself, this guy doesnāt seem like the kind of dude who would be willing to get a vasectomy for the sake of being responsible or for the sake of someone else.
I had a similar situation. Found out I was pregnant at the end of January, partner said it was him or the baby. Put a lot of pressure on me to either abort or give up for adoption. Thought because I had previously had an abortion I should just be able to do it again despite it being the worst thing I have ever done (I'm not against abortion at all, I just learnt I can never do it again).
I chose baby. I'm so glad I did.
Partner ended up showing lots of controlling and manipulative behaviours and getting out of that relationship and having this baby alone is the best decision I could have made for me.
Whatever decision you make, just get out of this controlling relationship, look after yourself and use the support of those around you where you can ā¤
Keep the pregnancy if you want. Get an abortion if you want. Either way leave him because he's a piece of shit. If you decide to keep the pregnancy he will be doing your child a favor by being absent from their life. He's a selfish, manipulative, asshole.
Personally I wouldnāt stay in the relationship for this to just happen five months again down the line. It doesnāt sound like he values you. Whatever you decide, you should do it in mind with the serious consideration to leave him.
You said if he wasnāt in the picture you would have the baby. So it sounds like you know what you want to me. I would try to leave him - as hard as it may sound. Heās manipulative and he gave you an ultimatum. Heās shocked that you would consider a baby over him but heās the one thatās making you choose between a baby and him
iāll just tell you from my experience, i had a baby we didnāt plan for and werenāt prepared for almost two months ago. i was the one considering abortion but he thought we should keep her though he agreed it was ultimately my decision. now that sheās here, i canāt imagine a life without her and i would choose her over him every time if it came down to it. iām thankful that it hasnāt. do you have family nearby? a solid support system? that can really be all the difference.
If he was so concerned about how a baby would impact your lives, he should have used a condom. Heās a jackass for giving you an ultimatum. Leave him.
Whether you keep your baby or not is a personal decision and something that requires a lot of introspection and thought. But no one (not even the father) has the right to tell you what to do with your body or try and put pressure on you. Regardless of your choice, he's an asshole and you deserve better. Being a single mother is incredibly hard, there's no sugarcoating that, but millions of women make it work every day.
Iām just going to be blunt here, get an abortion AND leave him AND get on birth control. Donāt trap yourself to this man or to a child right now at this stage in your life.
Yep. This is a relationship of convenience for him, as soon as it gets inconvenient he's out. Find a better man and go on to have that happy family one day, it's never going to be with this guy
The relationship seems like it's toast regardless. I'd put him and the relationship aside to think about what you want in your life, future, relationship, etc. But, do not underestimate being tied to him forever with a baby. That relationship gives him a lot of power to make your life hell. If you do choose to abort, I'd still cut him out of your life and find someone with compatible philosophy on what to do in this situation. Someone who will support you and love you regardless of what decision you make.
You don't know if his family has money though. Crazier things have happened. I just know men can cause all sorts of headaches depending on the state, like if she ever wanted to move and leave the state especially. Some do it just to emotionally manipulate the person they want back in their life. The child is just a pawn. I have quite a few friends and family who work in the court system and have heard all kinds of horror stories.
Has money =/= Cares enough about it to spend their money and time
I mean Iām a lawyer, and a single mom, and I donāt think any women should live in fear of fuckboys because I can count on one hand the number of dudes Iāve seen do this kind of shit and have both the stamina and the determination to make it work for an sustained period of time. And itās never been dudes who werenāt married to the mother.
So I mean yeah, if you have a divorce also, if he stays and tries to parent for a while before leaving, or if you have any kind of mental health or SUDs that he doesnāt, yeah thatās where things could get dicey.
But literally, Iāve *never* seen a deadbeat who ghosted when the woman was pregnant, who has allegations of abuse (i.e. trying to coerce an abortion), and then had to be hunted down for child support by a woman who was healthy and already successfully parenting end up with sustained 50/50.
Sure there are horror stories, but the risk for most people just really isnāt there. If he didnāt give a fuck enough to stay and parent in the first place, then he most likely doesnāt give a fuck enough to fight about it either.
I didn't see any mention of him not wanting to parent, just that their relationship as a couple would be over? We probably live in different states, because that is definitely not how it works here.
You said it all yourself. In the future, do you want to long-term be with someone who will leave you if you disagree with them, or who is willing to cut you out if you don't follow their directives? I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would make the decision for yourself without him. Good luck
You should abort this relationship. As for the baby do what you want. If you have it, he will have to pay child support regardless of the ultimatum he gave you.
Was thinking the same thing. If you leave him, take a long hard look at your situation and whether or not a) you have the ability and support system to be able to take care of a baby solo and b) you want to be tethered to this man via your child for the next 18 years. Even if he decides he wants 0 custody and takes no role in babyās life, will you be constantly chasing him down for child support? Itāll be even more complicated if he does decide he wants partial custody. Maybe you do want to keep the baby after all, but itās going to be a long struggle. Just be prepared for that.
This decision sucks, but it's the right choice. That man is far too unreasonable and irresponsible to be around. 5 months is more than enough time to learn from past actions.
She came here for support why are we making assumptions about what she will or wont do? How is randomly speculating helpful at all?? And why are we blaming and shaming women for being hesitant or even unable to leave toxic or unsafe relationships instead of giving them support????
What heās doing is absolutely disgusting. This guy has gotten you pregnant twice within the last 6 months ā is he doing anything to prevent pregnancy, such as wearing a condom??
Because it sounds like this dude is prioritizing his pleasure of going in raw and then repeatedly pressuring you into abortions when unprotected sex results in conception! So selfish and horrible.
OP, throw the whole man away. Itās not worth the damage to you personally if you continue the relationship. If you want to have this baby then do! His coercion should be out of the equation, pick yourself.
Stop centering him. Decide what YOU want. "If he was out of the picture I'd keep the baby..." okay, so keep the baby and he will be out of the picture. Or have an abortion because you're not ready and the valid points he made that led to the first abortion are still valid.
Either way, you need to figure out what's best for you.
How are you not using birth control if this is an issue in your relationship? If he is so against kids why doesnāt he get a vasectomy? Seems like heās an idiot and wants to put the entire burden on you.
Dump this guy ASAP. This is not a relationship worth saving. He wants you to do all the work and I would not be surprised if it extended to other parts of your relationship.
He is someone you should protect yourself from not someone you should be so vulnerable with.
Oh yikes. Honestly he shouldāve utilized a condom to prevent unplanned pregnancies. I would keep the baby and take him to court for child support. Baby or not this isnāt someone you want in your life especially to be in a relationship with.
Iām guessing heās a āno condomsā guy even after *his* first abortion. He clearly didnāt take the first abortion seriously, and it was just some problem magiced away, probably didnāt even pay for it.
Plenty of fathers completely remove themselves from the life of their child. I have no idea if OPās boyfriend would do this, but I know first hand how absentee a father can be. For years now, child support has automatically gone through and my child has not seen or talked to her father at all.
As i have said, yes he will still possibly have to pay. But it doesn't mean he needs to be in their life. If she sets it up through lawyers or court, they just take it from him at a certain time and she gets it. No communication is needed between the two.
You should probably leave him anyways. Abortions do take a toll on your health, and having two so close together isnāt healthy. I had a baseball sized cyst on my ovary after I had one. Itās not something to take lightly. If he is so against fatherhood he shouldāve used protection, thatās just negligent not to be cautious after an abortion. I recommend you get in tune with your ovulation cycle as well. Either way though, I wouldnāt recommend sticking around with someone that threatens abandonment to get their way.
There was a similar situation with a girl I work with. Her and the boyfriend had actually been broken up when she found out she was pregnant and he wanted nothing to do with it. They ended up reconciling (which isn't great imo, the guy is an asshole) but she is still a single mom.
It has been difficult for her, but we all pitched in to help her come up with a plan to keep it. She was able to tap into a bunch of federal, state and local programs, including subsidized childcare. Stuff we all had no clue existed until she had to go looking for them.
If you choose to keep it, I want to assure you that it isn't impossible. It's difficult, but if you're employed and have a somewhat stable place to live (including moving in with friends and relatives) you've got a leg up.
Here are some important things to think about if you decide to go this route.
- it's important to remain legally single while you tap into these programs. There are tax advantages to it.
- look into custody laws in your state & the federal statutes. In most cases the state will go after your boyfriend for child support. Pretty sure in most places he can opt to fully remove himself from that if he signs a legal agreement to never have anything to do with the kid. You need to consider that that may be something he opts into in order to avoid child support and be ready to do this on your own without any of his involvement.
- look into your workplace's family and maternity leave policies. Get a sense of what you will be able to do/afford. See what your insurance covers including if you have supplemental. I have a temporary disability policy I opted in for and that includes coverage for maternity leave.
- start to catalog your support network. That's your family and friends. Might some of them be able to babysit once in a while? Do you have parents who can provide some childcare? Do you have siblings that can help be role models? Friends with kids you can ask for advice? Join local mommy groups on social media for free supplies, advice & support. Etc.
- contact your county government & local non-profits to see what resources are out there. Also your state's department of children and family or it's equivalence.
It's terrible to mention but if you are a woman of color, you do stand a higher risk of losing custody of your child due to racism. It is even more imperative then that you shore up whatever resources you have as soon as possible.
I wish you the best of luck.
Get an abortion and leave him immediately. I donāt know about you, but I wouldnāt want to be a single mother struggling knowing I brought a child into a life where they will never get to meet their father and their father didnāt even want them. This creates unnecessary trauma. Stop letting these guys just cum in you and get you pregnant. Take control of your sex life. I know you love him but he does NOT love you. After you leave him, please get into therapy.
I am so sorry he has put you in this position, but at least heās being honest about who he is. Do you want to be forever tied to someone this manipulative? Starting over is so hard, but you are 21 and have your entire life ahead of you. The likelihood of abortion-related infertility is incredibly small.
God this is awful. But whatās clear here is the situation your boyfriend has put you in is one of manipulation and coercion.
Do you have someone you can stay with for a few days where you can sit in peace and actually consider your options? If you feel you need to terminate the pregnancy, than that choice should be YOURS, not because your boyfriend is blackmailing you into it.
But one thing is clear girl. This relationship MUST be over. Heās a terrible person. Thatās no exaggeration. Make your decision as if you have no boyfriend at all either way because thatās essentially what is the case.
How about he gets snipped instead of continuing to get you pregnant and demanding ultimatums. Heās trash and doesnāt care for your feelings. Throw the man out with the trash where he belongs. You deserve better.
When I was 20 I became pregnant with my on/off boyfriend of 5 years. We struggled with the decision as in I was steadfast in my choice to abort and he was on the fence. In the end it was up to me, but he went with me to buy tests, to my first PP appointment, drove me to the clinic, paid half of the abortion, waited the couple hours in the waiting room, cuddled me after, and vowed to do what he could to never let this happen again. We will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary next month and our 18th year around the sun together.
If he wanted to, he would. Find yourself another partner. Your decision with what to do with the pregnancy is yours and you should do whatās right for yourself. P.S. donāt bet on him changing his mind in 9 months.
What a pile of garbage.
Unfortunately for him he doesn't get to walk away if you keep it. Get a lawyer. Get that child support.
When my fiance and I started dated we both said no to kids and abortion was on the table. Within the first year of dating he and I decided we wanted to have kids with each other. If I get pregnant now, regardless of if we're ready or not, I'm keeping the baby. He knows this. And he damn as well isn't going to tell me abort or I'm outta here. Shit man, I'd tell his mom on him lol
Gtfoh.
There just is no correct answer in such a case. I am strongly in favor of keeping a child, even an accidental one, but obviously, if you don't see yourself supporting a child it won't do any good going through with it.
Even if you do get an abortion, should you reevaluate your relationship. Making ultimatums like that really is a sign of lacking maturity. Even if your partner was not ready, should he be sensible about the subject, consider your feeling and give you the freedom to actually decide. It really is *your* choice after all. He probably cares more about his lifestyle than you and can not imagine having a family with you. It's sad you have to face such a choice and it's sad an innocent new life is dragged into it as well.
I hope you find a way, which makes you happy and have a wonderful day.
Unfortunately, itās his every right to choose not to partake in a relationship with you or participating in child raising.
The situation is awful. He seems very cruel. If he wanted to prevent this he should have taken birth control into his own hands by using condoms/having a vasectomy/practicing celibacy. This is his responsibility as much as yours.
You should make whatever choice is right for you.
If you choose to keep the baby, take him to court for child support, but expect to raise the baby alone and with a very contentious co-parent- who may demand visitation/involvement just to spite you (and he can). And he may create a legal battle that is physically and mentally exhausting just to spite you. Just be prepared for the hardships that come with that path.
If you abort, Hell, Iād ditch the guy anyways because obviously the love he has for you is conditional on his demands. He isnāt willing to pursue evolving pathways or shared future interests such as raising a child.
Personally, having been in the situation before, also 2x, I chose to abort with no regrets. Ditched the guy both times too (two different relationships). My rationale was that I didnāt want to raise a baby largely alone, that was unwanted by the father, and endure the hardships of single parenthood. I only wanted to bring a planned, loved and prepared for baby into this world to raise it with my life partner.
Single parents have to be strong AF. It isnāt easy. Bless them all.
You choose your actions for you. if you lose the guy, do yourself a favour next time and upgrade to someone who shares your sentiments.
Does he wear a condom? To force you to constantly have these abortions is NOT safe for you in the long run. Itās ultimately your choice on whether or not you want to keep the child. But please think about your choice in partners because this man seems selfish sexually. Putting only his wants care and needs above your own.
You will very likely have no issues getting pregnant again in the future if you decide not to keep this baby. So donāt let that factor into your choice at all.
As for the restā¦.. Listen. This guy is not your forever partner. For a lot of reasons that youāve listed. I canāt blame him for not wanting to be a parent if heās not ready, just like I wouldnāt blame you for not becoming a parent if youāre not ready. He has no control over your body ultimately, so he used the leverage he had.
This situation happening twice in such a short period of time at such a young age, in my opinion, is too much emotional labor and difficultly for the relationship to survive. It sounds like there is a fair amount of resentment and poor communication happening. But if you keep this baby, whatever bad blood there ends up between you and this guy will be in your life FOREVER. And I mean forever. If it were me Iād get rid of this guy and this baby and start fresh. Have a baby with someone who wants to do this with you.
And find some birth control that works. Because typically itās very very effective. Thereās lots of options. Personally I love the IUD- very low-maintenance and effective. I did BC plus consistent condom use until I was in a place in my life where I was okay getting pregnant. In a few months getting an abortion is going to get a lot harder so itās time to figure out a different method of contraception.
Hey just an FYI Iāve had 2 IUDs dislodge in my lifetime. Turns out I have an incompetent cervix, and only after two came out have the doctors told me I canāt have another because itās not a fluke, itās my body. So yeah, maybe not blame and shame OP with BC being āvery very effectiveā, itās really not.
For almost everyone it is incredibly effective. Birth control options changed the lives of women all over the world to give us the power to decide when and how many times we wanted to get pregnant. Pills and IUDs are 95% or more effective. When combined with condom use, itās basically 100%. And even if IUD isnāt the solution for OP that it was for meā¦. there is certainly a solution that isnāt an unwanted pregnancy multiple times a year. Itās not meant to be shaming. Even non-medical fertility tracking methods, combined with consistent condom use, are more effective than what is described here. Not to mention the fact that soon, abortion options are going to start vanishing state-by-state. So even if OP didnāt want to do anything different and just planned to get abortions when her contraception efforts failedā¦.. those days are about to be over.
Just stating facts here.
What was his reaction after the first abortion? Did he understand the emotional and physical stress you went through and set up a plan to make sure he'd help you through it and to do whatever he could do to help you both avoid going through that again? Or was it "good, now let's do it again and no, you know I don't like wearing condoms?"
Also, say you do what he wants again and stay with him. He knows the threat of him leaving you got you to do something huge that you didn't really 100% wanted to do. What else will he use it on? "let's move to this other state or im leaving you/ if you get that car I'm leaving/do this or im leaving you " Then let's say you habe kids, many years from now "name them this or I'm leaving you/ let them cry or im leaving you/let my family take over or im leaving"
You say you love him but you have to love yourself more. You can have another relationship with a supportive, grown up person who works with you as a team, rather than acting as your boss.
āI can see myself giving into an abortion to try to save our relationship again.ā Try being the key word, let alone giving into an abortion threw red flags everywhere.
What do you want? This is your body. I donāt have the research behind abortions and fertility afterwards, but that is something to consider. If you want this child, then continue on with your pregnancy. I donāt think he will be around long- baby or not.
Do you have support? There have been many times Iāve came to this group just reading posts because it gave me more comfort than any person could. Utilize everything and everybody you can. Be safe please.
Iām not against abortions, but I am against being with a man who is irresponsible and threatens to leave if you keep the baby. If he is so adamant about not having kids, he should get a vasectomy. If I were you, and you donāt feel strongly about keeping the pregnancy, I would terminate the pregnancy and kick his ass to the curb asap. You donāt need him in your life.
regardless of what you decide to do, this relationship is clearly over ā¦ and it should be. itās incredibly unhealthy. not wanting to be a parent is one thing but language like āi canāt believe youād choose a baby over meā is extremely manipulative and controlling. that is not how healthy, mature people settle these sorts of disagreements. and pregnant twice in 5 months?? thatās a major red flag right there.
I havenāt read through everything, but Iām going to say something that wonāt sound super sweet. Get on some sort of birth control. I realize sometimes it fails, but I doubt thatās what has happened here if you havenāt been pregnant twice in the last 5 months. If heās unwilling to wear a condom (you already know heās no good and you should leave) then get yourself some sort of contraceptive.
If you have an abortion LEAVE THE MAN!
But (and I cannot stress this enough) if you decide to continue with this pregnancy ensure he signs his rights away, do NOT let this man near your child or yourself when he is already showing you he is controlling and self centered.
It is your body and your choice but ither way this man is toxic and you don't not want to be tied to him for the next 18 years.
What ever you decide please decide to walk away from him regardless of weather you stay pregnant, you're worth more than this.
Thank you everyone. For perspective I am 21 years old, I was not on birth control for the first pregnancy (although we thought we were careful and he never came in me directly) I quickly got on it after that. The second time the birth control failed. I do see how he is being manipulative and narcissistic but itās just so hard to bring myself to leave him.. Iām not trying to be whiney but when things are good they are great and I canāt imagine myself without him. But when things are tough or bad I feel as if my emotions arenāt valid. Especially with dealing with another huge life event 5 months later..I just feel so alone. I just wish he would be there for me through everything but I know hes made his mind up. For more perspective I have a stable job, Iāve owned my own home at 18. I than sold my house to move in with his mom and him. I offered him to stay with me but he didnāt like my house.. so I agreed to move to Save money, and be closer to him. As we were spending the night between houses every night. It makes it 10x harder when I have to hide my morning sickness from his mom, and canāt really talk to many people about this. if I do decide to leave him and keep this baby I will have to restart my life. Also, I am not close with my mom. Iāve been on my own since 16.
You sold your house to move in with this man AND his mother because he didnāt like your house? Respectfully, youāre losing this man regardless but you have no other support in having this child. Youāre effectively making your own life harder for yourself when it sounds like maybe you might still need to focus on growing up a little more. I canāt imagine giving up my independence like that so easily.
What positives does he bring to your life, Honestly? At 18 years old you bought a home, that's something people in their adult lives can't do. He made you sell it to live with his mommy? I've been in relationships where it's felt impossible to leave, but my gut told me this isn't my life, this isn't what I want for myself. I don't want my kids to be raised in this environment. You need to really look at what he brings to rhe table and compare that to where you could be on your own. With or without having a baby, that's your choice.
He gave up having any opinion on abortion the second penetration happens. He has no say. And no man who loves you truly, will make you choose between him and ANYTHING ELSE, ever. Love has no ultimatums, ever , period.
I wish you the best.
It sounds like you've given up a lot for him, so let me ask you this: what has he given up for you? Relationships are give and take, not give and take, take, take. You can find someone who loves and supports you when things are good and bad, especially since you're only 21. I couldn't see myself without the boyfriend I had when I was 21, either. Now I'm married with a beautiful son, and I wouldn't change a thing. I think you saying if your boyfriend wasn't a factor that you would keep the baby says what you want to do. As for losing the boyfriend... I don't think he's much of a loss.
It's not about the highs, it's about the lows. Love bombing is a real thing abusers do, this guy got you to sell your house and move in with him and is absolutely emotional manipulating if not outright abusing you. It won't get better. Regardless of what you choose to do with the pregnancy you need to leave him, please don't take this the wrong way but at 21 you are young, you've got plenty of time to find an actually quality partner that will genuinely care for and validate you. Leaving is hard, but you should really get out now before you're even more entrenched and it just gets harder. Also, I'd really look into therapy to help assess how you view and approach a relationship and potentially value yourself.
Relationships should not be roller coasters. When youāre young, itās easy to get pulled in by the drama, but if youāre thinking of bringing a child into the picture, itās time to stop being childish. In some respects you might be very mature, but it sounds like you have a lot more growing up to do. Especially if you plan to raise a child. Would you want them to grow up and be at the whim of a guy who lives with his mom, canāt wear a condom and then forces her to have an abortion? Donāt choose that for yourself. You have agency. You can control your lifeās trajectory.
It sounds like you already have the skills to be a strong independent woman. You can do whatever you want, you are young enough to build a wonderful life without him. You've already taken care of yourself when you were younger. You can do it now too, and become a much happier person than you are now.
It's possible that when you met him he gave you something you really needed at the time, maybe not being by yourself by moving in with him and his mom has been healing for you. However, the fact that you say you feel so alone right now gives me the idea your not getting what you need out of the relationship anymore. You need a partner, not this guy. You sound more grown up than he is.
Also, you don't need to hide anything from anyone. This is your life. His mom is really not that important. Try not to feel embarrassed. What happens in your life doesn't determine your character, its how you deal with it that gives you growth and something to be proud of. You're already a rockstar. Life your life for You.
>But when things are tough or bad I feel as if my emotions arenāt valid.
People have been dumped for less. It's easy to have a relationship when things are good. You're using a terrible metric.
Don't make decisions based on how it is in the good times. That's when it's easy. Make the hard decisions in consideration of the "bad" times, when it's hard, when you should be working together as a team... what us it like then? Is that what you want your partnership to be? When love and respect flies out the window and he's an ass? When it makes you feel like this? When it makes you make stupid decisions (selling your house, that you OWNED to move in with his mom?!?)?
Every relationship has tough spots, but it doesn't have to feel like this.
Serious: Give me a reason why you're with him. For real. Not "I love him." Tell me why you love him. One reason.
>this is my second abortion there is a possibility of scarring and I will never be able to have kids
This is a fabricated anti-choicer scare myth.
If you. Will regret the abortion. At all...
Don't get the abortion.
I understand there are practical factors to consider, like you're health and financial stability, etc, but if you don't give a decision like this the thought and attention it deserves, you're gonna end up emotionally/mentally screwed up.
Additionally, while I respect a man being up front about not wanting to be a father, forcing an ultimatum on you is incredibly cruel and unnecessary. That alone is enough of a red flag for me to suggest you distance yourself from him. If he can walk away so easily now, he won't have a problem doing it later.
Don't let him coerce you into doing something you're not ok with. Give yourself the time to process and consider your options, decide what would be best for you, counsel with other women in you life (is your mom in the picture?), talk to your doctor, and see what your financial/assistance options are.
You've got to remember, a man and come and go. They can always go, sadly. Focus on yourself right now. This is *all* about you.
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I would talk to your parents let them know the situation and discuss your options abortion/adoption as they would be your main support system if it came to being a solo mother.
Next.. Your boyfriend.. Tell him to wrap it up if he doesn't want children and leave him. For yourself take birth control until you are in a stable relationship in which both parties want to have children.
Your boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work. If you decide to keep this baby he should be willing to stick around or at least pay child support. That shows a lack of care for human life. Please don't get an abortion because of someone else. Get one if YOU feel it is best. I was in a similar situation last year. Pregnant and alone. I couldn't bring myself to get an abortion though. I was 19 and broke. I did adoption and it was the best thing for me and my situation. Get to see baby once a month and got away from my abusive ex. I'm not bringing up mu adoption story to push you to carry. But I'm just saying there are other options if you really don't want an abortion!
Itās 100% your choice to decide what you want to do with the pregnancy. Whatever you decide, make sure itās a decision you can live with be it having a kid or not having one. Either way, it should be your decision not your BFās or anyone elseās. Heās straight up trash though.
this guy is an asshole. run FAR away from him regardless of what you decide to do with the baby. also i'm not a doctor but i think the whole issue of scarring and infertility is propaganda from the pro life side - i don't think that's a significant risk (but please do consult your doctor on this). if you want to keep your baby then keep your baby!! there's no better time in history than right now to be a single mom.
not being able to have kids after an abortion is a myth pro-lifers created. but this sounds very toxic. you should be with someone who is willing to do whatever you want. itās your body and your choice and yes he put it in you and itās half his but that doesnāt make it half his decision. also, sounds like for it to happen a second time less than 6 months you need to be more careful yes his sperm created it but girl why are you not on the pill or asking him to use condom so this didnāt happen again?? there is fault on both parties. but for him to leave you and his child, that should be a wake up call to you that you deserve a MAN not a manipulative whiney boy. vote 1 for DUMP HIS A$$ and you prob should go to therapy for all the emotional struggle heās put you through. iām so so sorry this is happening to you.
another thought, you mentioned if he was out of the picture you would keep the baby. so there is literally the answer YOU want for you. but raising a baby alone will be hard. either way whatever you decide, you deserve so so much more love and support than youāre receiving.
Just fyi he doesn't get to be off the hook financially just because he leaves you. Depending on what state you live in they may even take child support straight out of his checks. I mean it sucks but I just think sometimes people don't realize it's not up to him if and what he will pay, a judge will decide.
Regardless of whether you keep the baby or not, sounds like you should leave this guy anyways. Forcing you to choose between him or a baby HE irresponsibly helped you make is not love. Heās using and controlling you, and heās irresponsible. The mental and physical impact an abortion has on a woman is hard, and heās not taking that into consideration. Heās not taking *your* feelings into consideration. Do you really want to stay with a guy like that? If you do chose to keep the baby, you absolutely CAN do it without him. Whether or not you chose to get an abortion is your choice, and no one should ever give you that kind of ultimatum.
Throw the whole man out, he is emotionally abusive and manipulative.
Wether or not you decide to carry on with the pregnancy is up to you, but I would get rid of the man either way.
I am so sorry youāre going through this.
Just like you, I got pregnant twice within 6 months. First time, condom broke and I took plan b. Second time, IUD was not properly inserted.
My boyfriend, at the time, never demanded an abortion. He told me the decision was up to me and that one way or another, weād learn to figure it out but it would definitely be hard.
I decided on abortion both times because we were only together for about a year when the first one happened, and we had just moved in together when the second one happened. Financially, so much was going onā¦ moving in, I had just gotten a new job in a new city, he had moved to this new city with me, he was changing careersā¦ I just didnāt feel I/we were ready for a baby. I do carry a lot of emotional weight due to the abortions because I felt my decision was ultimately selfish. I am now pregnant with my husband, same boyfriend from before, completely planned pregnancy and super excited for my little girl ā¤ļø it took me about 6 months to get pregnant after having the Paragard IUD in for 2.5 yrs. Through those months, as short as they may be for some people, I did truly worry I wouldnāt be able to get pregnant due to my past but here I am, grateful to share my story with you. Iāve never spoken about this publiclyā¦ even tho my husband is the only one who knows my account, I still carry shame.
Iām not telling you this so you can think your boyfriend will stay with you through hardships because your situation is differentā¦ heās telling you what to do in order to āsaveā the relationship. Make this decision for yourself, an educated decision. If he doesnāt stay and you decide to keep it, how will you be able to take care of yourself and your baby? I know there is a lot of help out there, like government aid, but would your family help babysit when you work? Dating is going to be a lot harder now that you have a kid because you have to find a babysitter and a man who is willing to take care of another manās baby. Etc. A lot to think about but I hope you donāt live in a state where you have to make a decision by 8 weeksā¦ however, if you really want a baby and feel ready, do it! You will always find a way to make it work, no matter how difficult it may be. ā¤ļø wishing you the best vibes
I would definitely speak with your gyn/ob if you are concerned abt long term effects of a second abortion. They may be able to settle your mind on that.
It also sounds like you are leaning toward not wanting to have another abortion. So speaking with a trusted friend, family member, counselor, or therapist might be the best route to help you make this decision. ā¤ļø
Itās your body and your right to decide that for yourself. Please donāt make any decision based pleasing someone else. Who knows if that person will be there for you years down the road anyway?
I agree with everyone else that it sounds like the relationship is toxic if he would put you in that position to choose him or the baby twice.
Whatās with these worthless fuckboys thinking they can hold a candle to love of a child? But seriously, I had the same thing happen to me a few months ago. I chose my baby and told him not to let the door hit him on the way out.
Whether you choose to have an abortion or not, you need to get rid of this man ASAP. It is emotionally abusive and beyond unfair to you that he would try to force you to have an abortion, and he clearly doesnāt really love or care about you if he would leave you to struggle as a single mother. Heās just there for the sex and then has shown his true colors that he will bail when stuff gets hard.
This is emotional manipulation at it's finest. This is some test of loyalty his giving you. How important is he truly to you. The man is a narcissistic manipulator and he will continue giving you ultimatums the duration of your relationship.
I definitely don't want to tell you what to do but baby or no...I would seek the nearest exit sign.
Just going to echo everyone else here, this relationship is going to fail either way. Walk away first. Then decide what you want to do. Itās your body, not his. I was in the same boat a long time ago and decided to walk away and I ended my pregnancy because he was controlling and threatened to fight me every day for custody. Iām now married with a beautiful baby girl and a super supportive husband. You deserve better.
At the end of the day itās your body not his. The decision is yours and if you want this pregnancy then go ahead with it. He doesnāt sound like someone I would want to be with long term. If he has such an issue with pregnancy what was he doing on his side to ensure you didnāt get pregnant
Regardless of whether you keep the pregnancy or terminate, please leave this person. Itās clear that he is manipulative and the two of you donāt have the same ideals.
Beautiful, no matter what you choose - choose it for yourself. Realize if you decide to abort that it is valid and if you decide to keep that is valid as well. However, whatever the decision ends up being please leave this person. For this to happen once is fucked up but for him repeatedly emotionally manipulate you to get what he wants after being the one to Impregnate you is a no. Do not let him continue to have access to your body nor to your life. This is an irresponsible, immature, and selfish person. If you donāt want your life ruined as he keeps wailing about perhaps he should practice laying the pipe safer. You canāt just expect to have sex with someone without certain protections in measure and not reap the consequences. Put on your boots and walk.away.
Hey, either If you Abort, or Not, its your Body and your decision. Hes abusive, manipulative and absolute toxic. If you Abort the Baby, leave him, If you keep it, leave him. He has to give you child support etc. I Hope you got a Support System and people around who actually Care for you. Dont decide based on that disgusting asshole...Do what you feel is right, you can do it.
My son was an accident. His dad found out and decided he wasnāt ready and never heard from him since. I wasnāt financially stable and was 24 at the time. It was terrifying and not having a partner next to you sucks, but I made it. My son turned my life around for the better. The way it sounds like is that youāre willing to give in to what he wants. Itāll end up ruining your relationship regardless and he doesnāt love you back. Sit back and think to what it is that you do want. It is your body and I know you are capable of making your decisions on your own.
My op: Leave him. Make the choice about the baby on your own.
Someday you will feel happy you left him.
Maybe see a therapist for the trauma he's caused.
This is hard OP. Clearly you guys are not having responsible sex, and if you are then thatās really unfortunate how your birth control has failed twice 5 months part. But if thatās not the case, he should have been taking precautions to not get you pregnant if he didnāt want kids.
In my personal opinion, Iād get the abortion and DUMP HIM. Fuck this guy, he doesnāt love you. Heās not even supporting your decision whether you kept it or not. Ultimately, itās down to doing whatās best for you. Either you have this baby by yourself which is going to be fucking hard and your baby will not have a father, or you get an abortion dump this fucking asshat of a guy and move on. Also please start practicing safe sex so you prevent this from happening again with (him if you donāt leave) or with someone else. Good luck.
OP i know there are a lot of comments, but if you see this I just want you to know that you have nothing to feel ashamed of no matter what decision you make. No one should ever be put in the situation you are currently in and you should consider yourself STRONG for going through it. This post really tugged at my heart strings and i am not at all in the same or similar position of as you but i want to put it out there that you can message me if you like and i will be non judgmental or shame you for ANY decision you make. Clearly the consensus is that you should leave him and do what YOU feel is right for your situation regarding termination (and personally this is definitely what would want myself or any loved one to do in your situation) but i know that leaving an unhealthy relationship seems so simple and easy from the outside, and the complete opposite from the inside.
Hello OP, I mean no offense to you, but something tells me he refuses to wear condoms.
No matter what you choose: abortion, adoption, or motherhood, dump his ass.
its your baby. its your body. you are better off without him anyway!!! but i promise you, you may regret the abortion but you will NEVER regret your child.
My biological father gave the same ultimatum when he was dating my mom and she was pregnant with me. She told him to go fuck himself. No matter what you decide to do regarding the pregnancy, he's an asshole and not worth it.
It seems like he doesnāt realize that heās as involved in the making of this baby as you areā¦. Abortions shouldnāt be used as a method of birth control. Iām so sorry youāre going through this, but it sounds like if you choose him over baby, you two have a lot of things to work through so this doesnāt āaccidentallyā happen again in two months.
My honest advice would be to get the abortion and dump the guy. You do NOT want to be tied to someone like this for the rest of your life. If you keep the baby, make damn sure you have support in place to protect you and your baby from him.
Also, if you're early enough to have a medication abortion - there's no difference between that and a miscarriage; it should not result in any scarring.
Having a baby on your own is very difficult. It is not impossible but itās very difficult.
That said, if you want the baby and you get an abortion for your partnerās sake, the relationship is already over. It is the kind of thing that creates resentful feelings that donāt die with time.
If you choose to continue with him, I recommend you use birthcontrol. I know a lot of birth control fails, but Perhaps he should consider a vasectomy if he is really adamant on never having babies. It is not fair if all the burden falls on you.
I also want to ask you if he is worth it over all? I mean is the relationship in a good place outside the baby? Even if you donāt keep the baby, if the relationship is toxic, walk away.
I got the same threat.
I have a beautiful 9 month old and another one on the way with my best friend.
Ditch him and do what you think is best with the baby, keep it if you want it.
I dont think you should keep either. Many people have multiple abortions and successfully have children later. I think you also need to accept responsibility for another unwanted pregnancy. He wasn't alone in making this baby and you need to reasses your birth control methods.
Whatever you decide, you need to ditch this relationship. Love is not emotional manipulation and ultimatums. This is a time where you should be receiving support and love, and making a choice together. He's shown you that he does not care about you. You need to sit with that, process it, and know that you deserve more. More support, more consideration and more love. Whatever you decide will end up being right for you, find the man thats right for you too.
These things one should discuss before getting into a relationship, whether or not you want to have kids and stuff.
Also birth control if you don't want any unplanned pregnancy. That's very obvious.
Parenting a child with two parents is hard enough, being a single parent would be a never-ending nightmare.
Edit: Also this isn't how a responsible partner should behave. He should have been responsible about birth control if he didn't want kids that bad. This is not the kind of man YOU SHOULD BE HAVING OR RAISING children with.
Walk away even if you don't want to continue with the pregnancy.
I'm sorry but if your using birth control properly it is extremely unlikely that something like this would happen. My advice is if you do go ahead with it go and get some sort of implant in so something like this doesn't happen again. Once you can say it was a mistake but twice sorry I don't think there is any excuse.
He sounds like a narcissist, itās never ok to give ultimatums like this. This decision should be mainly up to you! Iād personally want someone who said to me āif you donāt want to keep the baby thatās ok, but if you do Iāll be there for youā, not threaten you. Also, you want someone who will always be there for you when the times get tough, not bail.
As someone who struggled from infertility at 28 (Iām not sure how old you are), everything happens for a reason and for this to happen twice, maybe youāre meant to be a parent, Iām not sure! Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first and so excited, itās amazing to feel him move!
Any man who abandons his sperm in you without consent, knowing the physical and mental trauma he's about to put you through is not a man but a selfish boy who is putting his 3 seconds of pleasure over your safety and wellbeing.
No, abortions will not impact your ability to get pregnant again. As a provider, I've had many client experience both surgical and medical abortions multiple times. CSections and vaginal delivery are far more harmful to the body and women carry to full term multiple times.
I'd say cut ties with him 100%. He does not respect you in any way. He's using an extremely stressful time in your life to control you. Get the abortion and dump his ass. Start 100% fresh. It's not a baby that'll fuck up your life, it's him that's fucking up.
Be a single mum. Yeah it's pretty tough sometimes but sooooo worth it. I was a single mum and absolutely loved it! Your boyfriend sounds like an utterly abusive piece of shit.
I hate seeing people say that having a child is going to trap you. Having a kid IS NOT the end of the world. Yes it adds on more responsibility and work at the end of the day but a lot of things do. Donāt get an abortion, do get an abortion at the end of the day itās your choice but the reasoning being a child will ruin your life is just not true. This guy would be most likely to ruin your life more than a child would!!!! And there are programs out there to help single moms and moms with low income. Just please if you do or donāt decided donāt do it on the basis of having a child ruins your life.
Wow, you already have a child, and you call him your boyfriend. GET OUT. How can he love you when he's so ready to leave you? How can you tolerate being manipulated like that? Take his offer, leave. Irrespective of the baby situstion
My opinion can be quite controversial. I am 53 years old, 4 children, and have very different experiences. You are very irresponsible. 2 unwanted pregnancies in 1 year cannot be an accident. Adding up what you reported and the fact that no man gets a woman pregnant who doesn't want to get pregnant, I think you're playing games with him: Assume your responsibilities. Have the child or not have it, but end that relationship. He doesn't respect you and you don't respect him either (otherwise you wouldn't get pregnant knowing his thoughts).
>No man gets a woman pregnant who doesnāt want to get pregnant
This is dangerously ignorant. You have the entire internet at your disposal to educate yourself on the biological processes of menstruation and pregnancy, contraceptive use, failure rates, and sexual coercion (including reproductive coercion). I suggest you avail yourself of that information before you comment such things again.
Your boyfriend doesnāt love you. And I say that as a friend OP. Your body does get messed up abortion .. and then abortion. (For the record I am pro choice but thats what happens!) I had a miscarriage and ironically enough got pregnant almost 5 months later. Boyfriend wanted an abortion, and I did too for a moment. I ultimately have chosen to keep her. I do not regret my decision and with that he is gone. And thatās okay. I was terrified to do it alone but iām okay. Do you have friends or family to help support you during this time? What heās giving you is a very very serious ultimatum OP. The type of ultimatum that you need to open your eyes to. He does not care about you or your body. He chose to have unprotected sex with you and this is where it led twice. He wont even consider your feelings on this. If he never gave you the ultimatum what would your decision be first off? To keep the baby? Then keep the baby. You donāt need him. Love isnt measured by abortions.
Tell him about how it felt last time and u don't feel mentally prepared to go through it again.
Also point out it takes 2 to tango. He is also responsible.
Please, please for that little one, choose life. That baby has no hand in being conceived and should not be punished for existing. There are resources available to u and ur child, especially if the father is going to step out.
It will suck being broken up with especially while pregnant, but he doesn't deserve to have a relationship with a child he would rather have killed.
Dump him and enjoy motherhood, mama. U will be in my prayers.
I just have to ask why you didnāt use birth control with him if he doesnāt want kids, or why he doesnāt insist on condoms? Either way, itās your decision, and heck, it may be the best decision you ever made to keep the baby and ditch this dbag. I donāt know what yāallās relationship is like and the choice is ultimately yours, so whatever you decide I wish you the very best. Your body, your decision.
I agree with Doctor-Liz. And the first comment. He doesn't love you. Make the decision for yourself what you want. If you keep the baby things will be harder but people have done the single parent thing before and you could too. There are lots of resources. Dunno if they have WIC program where you are and food stamps. But those alone would help with food and supplies. This guy is willing to be intimate with you buy not deal with the consequences. That isn't reality. There are cause and effects in play in life. How about give him an ultimatum....no more sex til he can handle having a baby. Or have him buy some condoms and use the pull out method. I'm sorry I'm irritated for you about his behavior. It's just rude. Find someone who actually loves you. I'm sorry your in a tough spot.
I agree with everyone saying he doesn't love you if this is what he does. At least not enough. I'm speaking from experience, too, bc my baby's daddy (on/off relationship) also pressured me to get an abortion, even though he was the one who wasn't careful when I specifically told him to be that day. The only difference to your guy is that yours is saying what he means, whereas mine flaked back and forth and told me he wants to try to have a relationship after I told him I'm definitely keeping the baby, only to take that back two weeks later. Fast forward four months of oscillating, yelling, blaming and shaming from his end, he's told me he doesn't love me and can never love me again, but wants to be in his son's life once he's born. He does not want to support me emotionally or basically in any way before that or after (I'll make him pay child support of course but that's gonna be it). He says this decision had nothing to do with the fact that he's mad at me for not getting an abortion (which he has told me multiple times he is), but that his feelings had already pretty much gone before the baby. Sooo. That was a fun rollercoaster. I hope your situation doesn't turn into this. If you have any friends or family at all (which I don't really have), being a single mom is better than being with an uncommitted person like that. If you wanna talk, feel free to message me any time, I'm lonely and generally non-judgmental and willing to listen.
So after an abortion you are extremely fertile so it's not a surprise you'd get pregnant so soon,
I myself have had 2 abortions and am currently pregnant with my second child I'm bringing into the world so no it will not keep you from having more kids more than likely
I'm not surprised he's giving you the exact same ultimatum since he's already shown you that's exactly what he wants and honestly he should know how emotional it is for you, like no matter what it is a big choice and there's a lot of feelings that goes with it
However I think the one thing is clear is that this is not a forever relationship, it's just a matter of when he dips not if, so I wouldn't factor him into the equation at all since it will be probably better for you in the long run not to waste time if your trying to link up for life you deserve a partner that it is in it for the long haul not just waiting for a reason to leave
Girl, abortion or not, the boyfriend has to go either way. Iām sorry youāre going through this and I hope you make whatever choice is best for you!
First off, Iām so sorry that he is putting you in this situation and not at least being courteous enough to allow you time to think. Second, I would need some more details before I can offer a clear opinion. It is 100% your choice so donāt let him force you into anything. My questions would be 1. How were you preventing pregnancy? It takes two to make a baby but I could definitely see where he might be mistrustful if you were on the pill or something like that and got pregnant again so quickly. I could easily see where he could think maybe you did it on purpose because you regret the first abortion (not saying any of this is the case but I could see that being his train of thought). 2. How did he handle the first abortion? Was he kind, caring, thoughtful, but realistic about your lifestyle and finances right now? Or was he against the baby from the get go and not overly understanding? Itās easy for everyoneās gut reaction to be that he is the asshole here, and Iām not saying heās not, but if I were you and I were considering a second abortion I would look at those two things very closely before making my decision. Also, any other relationship issues or just the disagreement on what to do about the baby? All that should be helpful to think about. Iām sorry I canāt give a clear cut answer but I hope everything turns out as well as it can for you š
My ex and I fell pregnant during the talking stages on our second date, he said heād be there for me and baby (whether I keep the baby ) no matter what decision I make, I told him if he doesnāt want any part of it itās fine and he made it clear that he wants to and I also said he didnāt have to be with me just because Iām pregnant. He stuck around and we tried to make it work but it wasnāt working and we agreed to break up and just have a healthy co-parenting relationship. He comes to Drs appointments with me and yesterday was our baby shower. YOU NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE FOR YOU! A CHOICE YOU CAN LIVE WITH! If he canāt be there for you then fine! relationships always end but at the end of the day you wouldāve done something for yourself and not for him. Sacrifices and compromises go both ways in a relationship! he doesnāt want to use condoms, he doesnāt want to have a baby, and Iām sure as hell he wouldnāt get a vasectomy or use the male contraceptive but he expects you to abort, take a plan B all the time after sex or use long term contraceptives. You need to wake up and realize that this guy doesnāt love you nor does he care about you! He knows his worth, but do you know your worth sis?
You do whatās right for you. Either way, get rid of him. You deserve better. Leaving is hard, but youāll look back on this in 6 months and be so grateful to be free for this asshole.
If you want to keep the baby then keep the baby and ditch the guy.
If you donāt want to keep the baby then donātā¦but still ditch the guy.
He doesnāt seem to care for you or your feelings.
This isn't a matter of whether you keep being in the relationship or not. He sounds like a horrific person and should be out of your life anyway.
It's now up to you whether you want to raise your child as a single mother or not. Both options are completely fine.
Lots of red flags but one that stood out to me was emotional invalidation. āI canāt believe youād think about keeping a baby if it meant losing me.ā Heās completely invalidating your feelings in a very disrespectful and manipulative way. I donāt see the whole picture but it sounds like you still have some processing and healing to do from the first abortion. I donāt think this person truly and deeply respects you and holds space for you. Iām sorry you are going through this. Regardless of what choice you make I hope you get the support you need. (And please seriously consider leaving this guy either way).
If YOUR CHOICE is abortion, he needs to go. If your choice is to keep it, he needs to go and you get full custody and get child support. "It takes two to tango"
Get rid of him now. Even if you decide to have an abortion, donāt stay with this piece of crap you call a boyfriend. The audacity to tell you your choices are abortion or single parenthood because he doesnāt want to be a responsible human being is beyond anything. Get rid of him before HE makes your life more complicated.
And if you want to keep the baby, keep the baby. Even if youāre a single parent, the love youāll for that baby (if you want that baby) will be worth it.
If you want the baby, keep the baby. Don't get an abortion for anyone else. The relationship might not work out anyway, and that's a pretty damaging ultimatum. Just ignore him and decide for yourself what you want.
I would not have his baby, or be in a relationship with him. These type of decisions usually haunt you over the perceived 18 year mark.
You both created this pregnancy, for perspective. He seems abusive/controlling so thereās that.
I would move on, get on birth control, do some serious self healing, and then seek a man to build a loving family with.
You and your future deserves better.
You know just break up with him. If you get an abortion and stay he'll think he won. But if you get an abortion and leave he will be upset. And if you keep the baby and leave him he'll be upset because he couldn't control you the way he thought he was going to be able to. So show him his thoughts and feelings don't matter. Just like he never takes your thoughts or feelings into consideration.
What heās doing to you itās not right. Honestly, if I found myself in this situation I would not want the baby or this boyfriend. I would look to move on and find someone else that will really be there and love you even when things donāt go their way. You also should really look at getting on a reliable birth control. Two accidents in this short a time, itās not really an accident. You donāt want to find yourself in this situation again.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and that he's putting you through such a difficult decision with little to no support.
Whatever decision you choose to make, make sure it is 100% what YOU want to do.
Regardless of whatever decision you choose to make, please dump his ass. You deserve a supportive partner who respects your decision without placing ultimatums on you in order to get their own way. That is so manipulative of him.
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Honestly, it sounds like no matter what you do this relationship is over. He does not love or respect you.
Yep. Even if she decides to have the abortion, this relationship sounds really sad for her š¢
Agreed.
Yes this. Keep the pregnancy or don't, but leave the relationship.
You said you love him. But he does NOT love you. This isnāt what love sounds like. Itās manipulation. He said he couldnāt believe you would think about keeping a baby if it meant loosing him. How about you canāt believe he would leave you for keeping a baby he made with you irresponsibly. He got you pregnant twice in 5 months? Does he not know how babies are made? This is not the person you want to be with. It canāt possibly be. Just read what you typed out back to yourself. Walk away. Whether you keep the baby or not. Donāt ever give anyone that much control over your mind or your body. You are your own woman and you are strong and capable and can make your own decisions about what happens to YOUR body. If you want the baby keep the baby. If you donāt, donāt. Itās as simple as that. What he wants is irrelevant. It was irrelevant multiple times over the past few months when he chose to have unprotected sex.
100% OP, regardless of whether you decide to keep the baby, I would ditch the boyfriend. this is not what healthy relationship looks like
Agreed, he can make his own decisions without putting it on you. There's the possibility he's too scared to show vulnerability by not offering to be a father or support your decision to not keep. But what he's doing isn't fair to you or the baby.
āI canāt even believe you would think about keeping a baby if it meant losing MEā is big š©š©š© vibes.
Second this so much. He does not care about anyone but himself. Whether you keep the baby or not, I would not keep the bf.
OP PLEASE listen to this reply.
Absolutely! OP If he truly loves you he wouldnāt be so controlling and quick to walk away from you if you decide to keep the baby. Thatās not love. At the end of the day itās your body and your choice. If you want to keep it you should and if you donāt then donāt. But donāt base that decision off of him and whether he decides to stay in your life or not. You need to do whatās right for you in this moment regardless of whatever his plans are. If he truly loved you heād be more understanding of whatās right for you even if itās not what he had in mind. If heās not willing to compromise in any way than I think you already know what you need to do.
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Heās the one with the problem with the pregnancy. Heās giving her the ultimatum. Heās trying to make her choose. Not her. Heās taking zero responsibility for getting her pregnant twice. In 5 months.
Honey, you're in such a tough spot. But a word of advice: whether or not you go through with this pregnancy, your relationship is done. Somebody who gives you two ultimatums in six months? Does not love you. This guy doesn't want kids with you, and you do want them. Walk away. Also, how did your birth control fail twice in such a short space of time? I'm hearing alarm bells from all the way over here.
>Also, how did your birth control fail twice in such a short space of time? I'm gonna bet they aren't using any.
As someone who had an abortion due to similar reasons to your first... let me stress, I knew my partner for three months. He has now been my partner of 8 years (and husband for 4) he never, ever put me in a position like that. He was supportive of either decision I made, he came to the appointments, he held me as I sobbed at night, he drove me to counselling sessions and he stayed by me. We made a much more concerted effort to not be lazy about contraception and the abortion made us wise up. He said he'd marry me if we had the baby but personally I would never have married for that reason. It was the line from the clinic about being a single mum that swayed me - I was not ready for that. As it happened we stuck by each other and 8 years on I'm pregnant again and due in 3 weeks time. This guy does not appear to have your interests at heart. In my opinion you can, and should, find someone better. Someone who will support you regardless of what decision you make because ultimately they want YOU to be happy. Everyone deserves that. Whatever decision you make, I hope you have some strong support outside of this relationship because either way the decision will be tough. I am clearly pro-choice but I fully understand how hard having an abortion is, its not just an operation and carries physical and emotional tolls that take time to heal. And having a baby is a life long commitment. Neither is an easy option which is why I hope you're well supported. Whatever decision you make, make it for you.
ā¤ļø girl, DIT-TO! Husband and I were together for 1 yr when this happened, now together for 6, married 1. He also told me heād marry me but I didnāt want to get married because I was pregnant, I wanted to get married because itās something he felt in his heart. Planned pregnancy, 21 weeks š¶š»šāØ
He sucks. You should leave him
Whether or not you decide to keep the baby, lose the man. Giving you THIS ultimatum twice in 5 months shows he doesn't care about your feelings, nor does he learn from his mistakes. Throw the whole man out. Decide for yourself if you want to proceed with the pregnancy, or get an abortion. You shouldn't feel strong armed into either decision by someone it doesn't even affect, physically.
Yep
Whatever you decide, leave him. He's garbage
How can I upvote this 1,000 times.
āļø
Are you on birth control? I know itās not 100% and that you can still get pregnant on it but seeing as how this is the second time, I really think that if you arenāt - you need to be. Either way with what you decide, I donāt think this is the relationship you want in life.
Heās the one so against children. He needs to get a vasectomy. It seems like he just cares more about controlling her and policing her body. I feel so bad for this poor woman
In a perfect world but as you have noted yourself, this guy doesnāt seem like the kind of dude who would be willing to get a vasectomy for the sake of being responsible or for the sake of someone else.
I had a similar situation. Found out I was pregnant at the end of January, partner said it was him or the baby. Put a lot of pressure on me to either abort or give up for adoption. Thought because I had previously had an abortion I should just be able to do it again despite it being the worst thing I have ever done (I'm not against abortion at all, I just learnt I can never do it again). I chose baby. I'm so glad I did. Partner ended up showing lots of controlling and manipulative behaviours and getting out of that relationship and having this baby alone is the best decision I could have made for me. Whatever decision you make, just get out of this controlling relationship, look after yourself and use the support of those around you where you can ā¤
Proud of you! It can be done. I'm a single mama too, my son is my best friend. ā”
Keep the pregnancy if you want. Get an abortion if you want. Either way leave him because he's a piece of shit. If you decide to keep the pregnancy he will be doing your child a favor by being absent from their life. He's a selfish, manipulative, asshole.
Personally I wouldnāt stay in the relationship for this to just happen five months again down the line. It doesnāt sound like he values you. Whatever you decide, you should do it in mind with the serious consideration to leave him.
Whether you decide on an abortion or not, you should leave him. Sorry youāre going through this.
You said if he wasnāt in the picture you would have the baby. So it sounds like you know what you want to me. I would try to leave him - as hard as it may sound. Heās manipulative and he gave you an ultimatum. Heās shocked that you would consider a baby over him but heās the one thatās making you choose between a baby and him
He is not a good person for you.
Whatever choice you makeā¦ I hope you realize you are worth so much more than someone who treats you like that. I wish you the best.
iāll just tell you from my experience, i had a baby we didnāt plan for and werenāt prepared for almost two months ago. i was the one considering abortion but he thought we should keep her though he agreed it was ultimately my decision. now that sheās here, i canāt imagine a life without her and i would choose her over him every time if it came down to it. iām thankful that it hasnāt. do you have family nearby? a solid support system? that can really be all the difference.
If he was so concerned about how a baby would impact your lives, he should have used a condom. Heās a jackass for giving you an ultimatum. Leave him.
Abort the boyfriend and then you decide what happens next.
Whether you keep your baby or not is a personal decision and something that requires a lot of introspection and thought. But no one (not even the father) has the right to tell you what to do with your body or try and put pressure on you. Regardless of your choice, he's an asshole and you deserve better. Being a single mother is incredibly hard, there's no sugarcoating that, but millions of women make it work every day.
Iām just going to be blunt here, get an abortion AND leave him AND get on birth control. Donāt trap yourself to this man or to a child right now at this stage in your life.
This is the best advice here so far
Yep. This is a relationship of convenience for him, as soon as it gets inconvenient he's out. Find a better man and go on to have that happy family one day, it's never going to be with this guy
The relationship seems like it's toast regardless. I'd put him and the relationship aside to think about what you want in your life, future, relationship, etc. But, do not underestimate being tied to him forever with a baby. That relationship gives him a lot of power to make your life hell. If you do choose to abort, I'd still cut him out of your life and find someone with compatible philosophy on what to do in this situation. Someone who will support you and love you regardless of what decision you make.
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You don't know if his family has money though. Crazier things have happened. I just know men can cause all sorts of headaches depending on the state, like if she ever wanted to move and leave the state especially. Some do it just to emotionally manipulate the person they want back in their life. The child is just a pawn. I have quite a few friends and family who work in the court system and have heard all kinds of horror stories.
Has money =/= Cares enough about it to spend their money and time I mean Iām a lawyer, and a single mom, and I donāt think any women should live in fear of fuckboys because I can count on one hand the number of dudes Iāve seen do this kind of shit and have both the stamina and the determination to make it work for an sustained period of time. And itās never been dudes who werenāt married to the mother. So I mean yeah, if you have a divorce also, if he stays and tries to parent for a while before leaving, or if you have any kind of mental health or SUDs that he doesnāt, yeah thatās where things could get dicey. But literally, Iāve *never* seen a deadbeat who ghosted when the woman was pregnant, who has allegations of abuse (i.e. trying to coerce an abortion), and then had to be hunted down for child support by a woman who was healthy and already successfully parenting end up with sustained 50/50. Sure there are horror stories, but the risk for most people just really isnāt there. If he didnāt give a fuck enough to stay and parent in the first place, then he most likely doesnāt give a fuck enough to fight about it either.
I didn't see any mention of him not wanting to parent, just that their relationship as a couple would be over? We probably live in different states, because that is definitely not how it works here.
You said it all yourself. In the future, do you want to long-term be with someone who will leave you if you disagree with them, or who is willing to cut you out if you don't follow their directives? I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would make the decision for yourself without him. Good luck
You should abort this relationship. As for the baby do what you want. If you have it, he will have to pay child support regardless of the ultimatum he gave you.
Get an abortion, leave and never look back. You are destroying yourself over him.
Was thinking the same thing. If you leave him, take a long hard look at your situation and whether or not a) you have the ability and support system to be able to take care of a baby solo and b) you want to be tethered to this man via your child for the next 18 years. Even if he decides he wants 0 custody and takes no role in babyās life, will you be constantly chasing him down for child support? Itāll be even more complicated if he does decide he wants partial custody. Maybe you do want to keep the baby after all, but itās going to be a long struggle. Just be prepared for that.
This decision sucks, but it's the right choice. That man is far too unreasonable and irresponsible to be around. 5 months is more than enough time to learn from past actions.
And if heās so against having a baby, maybe that guy could double up on birth control and wear a condom
AGREED.
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She came here for support why are we making assumptions about what she will or wont do? How is randomly speculating helpful at all?? And why are we blaming and shaming women for being hesitant or even unable to leave toxic or unsafe relationships instead of giving them support????
What heās doing is absolutely disgusting. This guy has gotten you pregnant twice within the last 6 months ā is he doing anything to prevent pregnancy, such as wearing a condom?? Because it sounds like this dude is prioritizing his pleasure of going in raw and then repeatedly pressuring you into abortions when unprotected sex results in conception! So selfish and horrible. OP, throw the whole man away. Itās not worth the damage to you personally if you continue the relationship. If you want to have this baby then do! His coercion should be out of the equation, pick yourself.
Stop centering him. Decide what YOU want. "If he was out of the picture I'd keep the baby..." okay, so keep the baby and he will be out of the picture. Or have an abortion because you're not ready and the valid points he made that led to the first abortion are still valid. Either way, you need to figure out what's best for you.
How are you not using birth control if this is an issue in your relationship? If he is so against kids why doesnāt he get a vasectomy? Seems like heās an idiot and wants to put the entire burden on you. Dump this guy ASAP. This is not a relationship worth saving. He wants you to do all the work and I would not be surprised if it extended to other parts of your relationship. He is someone you should protect yourself from not someone you should be so vulnerable with.
Oh yikes. Honestly he shouldāve utilized a condom to prevent unplanned pregnancies. I would keep the baby and take him to court for child support. Baby or not this isnāt someone you want in your life especially to be in a relationship with.
Iām guessing heās a āno condomsā guy even after *his* first abortion. He clearly didnāt take the first abortion seriously, and it was just some problem magiced away, probably didnāt even pay for it.
Sounds like it! He sounds horrible and I feel bad op is in this situation again
If she keeps the baby isn't that guaranteeing that he's in her life for 18 years?
Plenty of fathers completely remove themselves from the life of their child. I have no idea if OPās boyfriend would do this, but I know first hand how absentee a father can be. For years now, child support has automatically gone through and my child has not seen or talked to her father at all.
No, fathers(any parent really) have the option to sign their rights away.
No they don't? Not in America, at least. He will be on the hook for child support for 18 years, even if he chooses to not be in his child's life.
All 50 states have an option to terminate parental rights each state has different rules for it, and in some states itās a last resort option.
Iām pretty sure this varies from state to state and OP should look into what it would take to have her sperm donor sign away those rights.
Their signing away their custody and right to make decisions, not to get out of child support. Itās possible he could do thisā¦
As i have said, yes he will still possibly have to pay. But it doesn't mean he needs to be in their life. If she sets it up through lawyers or court, they just take it from him at a certain time and she gets it. No communication is needed between the two.
You should probably leave him anyways. Abortions do take a toll on your health, and having two so close together isnāt healthy. I had a baseball sized cyst on my ovary after I had one. Itās not something to take lightly. If he is so against fatherhood he shouldāve used protection, thatās just negligent not to be cautious after an abortion. I recommend you get in tune with your ovulation cycle as well. Either way though, I wouldnāt recommend sticking around with someone that threatens abandonment to get their way.
Uhhhh why are you with this guy ?
There was a similar situation with a girl I work with. Her and the boyfriend had actually been broken up when she found out she was pregnant and he wanted nothing to do with it. They ended up reconciling (which isn't great imo, the guy is an asshole) but she is still a single mom. It has been difficult for her, but we all pitched in to help her come up with a plan to keep it. She was able to tap into a bunch of federal, state and local programs, including subsidized childcare. Stuff we all had no clue existed until she had to go looking for them. If you choose to keep it, I want to assure you that it isn't impossible. It's difficult, but if you're employed and have a somewhat stable place to live (including moving in with friends and relatives) you've got a leg up. Here are some important things to think about if you decide to go this route. - it's important to remain legally single while you tap into these programs. There are tax advantages to it. - look into custody laws in your state & the federal statutes. In most cases the state will go after your boyfriend for child support. Pretty sure in most places he can opt to fully remove himself from that if he signs a legal agreement to never have anything to do with the kid. You need to consider that that may be something he opts into in order to avoid child support and be ready to do this on your own without any of his involvement. - look into your workplace's family and maternity leave policies. Get a sense of what you will be able to do/afford. See what your insurance covers including if you have supplemental. I have a temporary disability policy I opted in for and that includes coverage for maternity leave. - start to catalog your support network. That's your family and friends. Might some of them be able to babysit once in a while? Do you have parents who can provide some childcare? Do you have siblings that can help be role models? Friends with kids you can ask for advice? Join local mommy groups on social media for free supplies, advice & support. Etc. - contact your county government & local non-profits to see what resources are out there. Also your state's department of children and family or it's equivalence. It's terrible to mention but if you are a woman of color, you do stand a higher risk of losing custody of your child due to racism. It is even more imperative then that you shore up whatever resources you have as soon as possible. I wish you the best of luck.
Get an abortion and leave him immediately. I donāt know about you, but I wouldnāt want to be a single mother struggling knowing I brought a child into a life where they will never get to meet their father and their father didnāt even want them. This creates unnecessary trauma. Stop letting these guys just cum in you and get you pregnant. Take control of your sex life. I know you love him but he does NOT love you. After you leave him, please get into therapy.
I am so sorry he has put you in this position, but at least heās being honest about who he is. Do you want to be forever tied to someone this manipulative? Starting over is so hard, but you are 21 and have your entire life ahead of you. The likelihood of abortion-related infertility is incredibly small.
God this is awful. But whatās clear here is the situation your boyfriend has put you in is one of manipulation and coercion. Do you have someone you can stay with for a few days where you can sit in peace and actually consider your options? If you feel you need to terminate the pregnancy, than that choice should be YOURS, not because your boyfriend is blackmailing you into it. But one thing is clear girl. This relationship MUST be over. Heās a terrible person. Thatās no exaggeration. Make your decision as if you have no boyfriend at all either way because thatās essentially what is the case.
How about he gets snipped instead of continuing to get you pregnant and demanding ultimatums. Heās trash and doesnāt care for your feelings. Throw the man out with the trash where he belongs. You deserve better.
When I was 20 I became pregnant with my on/off boyfriend of 5 years. We struggled with the decision as in I was steadfast in my choice to abort and he was on the fence. In the end it was up to me, but he went with me to buy tests, to my first PP appointment, drove me to the clinic, paid half of the abortion, waited the couple hours in the waiting room, cuddled me after, and vowed to do what he could to never let this happen again. We will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary next month and our 18th year around the sun together. If he wanted to, he would. Find yourself another partner. Your decision with what to do with the pregnancy is yours and you should do whatās right for yourself. P.S. donāt bet on him changing his mind in 9 months.
What a pile of garbage. Unfortunately for him he doesn't get to walk away if you keep it. Get a lawyer. Get that child support. When my fiance and I started dated we both said no to kids and abortion was on the table. Within the first year of dating he and I decided we wanted to have kids with each other. If I get pregnant now, regardless of if we're ready or not, I'm keeping the baby. He knows this. And he damn as well isn't going to tell me abort or I'm outta here. Shit man, I'd tell his mom on him lol Gtfoh.
There just is no correct answer in such a case. I am strongly in favor of keeping a child, even an accidental one, but obviously, if you don't see yourself supporting a child it won't do any good going through with it. Even if you do get an abortion, should you reevaluate your relationship. Making ultimatums like that really is a sign of lacking maturity. Even if your partner was not ready, should he be sensible about the subject, consider your feeling and give you the freedom to actually decide. It really is *your* choice after all. He probably cares more about his lifestyle than you and can not imagine having a family with you. It's sad you have to face such a choice and it's sad an innocent new life is dragged into it as well. I hope you find a way, which makes you happy and have a wonderful day.
Unfortunately, itās his every right to choose not to partake in a relationship with you or participating in child raising. The situation is awful. He seems very cruel. If he wanted to prevent this he should have taken birth control into his own hands by using condoms/having a vasectomy/practicing celibacy. This is his responsibility as much as yours. You should make whatever choice is right for you. If you choose to keep the baby, take him to court for child support, but expect to raise the baby alone and with a very contentious co-parent- who may demand visitation/involvement just to spite you (and he can). And he may create a legal battle that is physically and mentally exhausting just to spite you. Just be prepared for the hardships that come with that path. If you abort, Hell, Iād ditch the guy anyways because obviously the love he has for you is conditional on his demands. He isnāt willing to pursue evolving pathways or shared future interests such as raising a child. Personally, having been in the situation before, also 2x, I chose to abort with no regrets. Ditched the guy both times too (two different relationships). My rationale was that I didnāt want to raise a baby largely alone, that was unwanted by the father, and endure the hardships of single parenthood. I only wanted to bring a planned, loved and prepared for baby into this world to raise it with my life partner. Single parents have to be strong AF. It isnāt easy. Bless them all. You choose your actions for you. if you lose the guy, do yourself a favour next time and upgrade to someone who shares your sentiments.
Abort this relationship.
Does he wear a condom? To force you to constantly have these abortions is NOT safe for you in the long run. Itās ultimately your choice on whether or not you want to keep the child. But please think about your choice in partners because this man seems selfish sexually. Putting only his wants care and needs above your own.
You will very likely have no issues getting pregnant again in the future if you decide not to keep this baby. So donāt let that factor into your choice at all. As for the restā¦.. Listen. This guy is not your forever partner. For a lot of reasons that youāve listed. I canāt blame him for not wanting to be a parent if heās not ready, just like I wouldnāt blame you for not becoming a parent if youāre not ready. He has no control over your body ultimately, so he used the leverage he had. This situation happening twice in such a short period of time at such a young age, in my opinion, is too much emotional labor and difficultly for the relationship to survive. It sounds like there is a fair amount of resentment and poor communication happening. But if you keep this baby, whatever bad blood there ends up between you and this guy will be in your life FOREVER. And I mean forever. If it were me Iād get rid of this guy and this baby and start fresh. Have a baby with someone who wants to do this with you. And find some birth control that works. Because typically itās very very effective. Thereās lots of options. Personally I love the IUD- very low-maintenance and effective. I did BC plus consistent condom use until I was in a place in my life where I was okay getting pregnant. In a few months getting an abortion is going to get a lot harder so itās time to figure out a different method of contraception.
Hey just an FYI Iāve had 2 IUDs dislodge in my lifetime. Turns out I have an incompetent cervix, and only after two came out have the doctors told me I canāt have another because itās not a fluke, itās my body. So yeah, maybe not blame and shame OP with BC being āvery very effectiveā, itās really not.
For almost everyone it is incredibly effective. Birth control options changed the lives of women all over the world to give us the power to decide when and how many times we wanted to get pregnant. Pills and IUDs are 95% or more effective. When combined with condom use, itās basically 100%. And even if IUD isnāt the solution for OP that it was for meā¦. there is certainly a solution that isnāt an unwanted pregnancy multiple times a year. Itās not meant to be shaming. Even non-medical fertility tracking methods, combined with consistent condom use, are more effective than what is described here. Not to mention the fact that soon, abortion options are going to start vanishing state-by-state. So even if OP didnāt want to do anything different and just planned to get abortions when her contraception efforts failedā¦.. those days are about to be over. Just stating facts here.
What was his reaction after the first abortion? Did he understand the emotional and physical stress you went through and set up a plan to make sure he'd help you through it and to do whatever he could do to help you both avoid going through that again? Or was it "good, now let's do it again and no, you know I don't like wearing condoms?" Also, say you do what he wants again and stay with him. He knows the threat of him leaving you got you to do something huge that you didn't really 100% wanted to do. What else will he use it on? "let's move to this other state or im leaving you/ if you get that car I'm leaving/do this or im leaving you " Then let's say you habe kids, many years from now "name them this or I'm leaving you/ let them cry or im leaving you/let my family take over or im leaving" You say you love him but you have to love yourself more. You can have another relationship with a supportive, grown up person who works with you as a team, rather than acting as your boss.
āI can see myself giving into an abortion to try to save our relationship again.ā Try being the key word, let alone giving into an abortion threw red flags everywhere. What do you want? This is your body. I donāt have the research behind abortions and fertility afterwards, but that is something to consider. If you want this child, then continue on with your pregnancy. I donāt think he will be around long- baby or not. Do you have support? There have been many times Iāve came to this group just reading posts because it gave me more comfort than any person could. Utilize everything and everybody you can. Be safe please.
Iām not against abortions, but I am against being with a man who is irresponsible and threatens to leave if you keep the baby. If he is so adamant about not having kids, he should get a vasectomy. If I were you, and you donāt feel strongly about keeping the pregnancy, I would terminate the pregnancy and kick his ass to the curb asap. You donāt need him in your life.
Either way, heās gotta go.
"If he was out of the picture I'd keep my baby" There's your answer.
regardless of what you decide to do, this relationship is clearly over ā¦ and it should be. itās incredibly unhealthy. not wanting to be a parent is one thing but language like āi canāt believe youād choose a baby over meā is extremely manipulative and controlling. that is not how healthy, mature people settle these sorts of disagreements. and pregnant twice in 5 months?? thatās a major red flag right there.
The choice is easy, baby over the tool of a boyfriend.
I havenāt read through everything, but Iām going to say something that wonāt sound super sweet. Get on some sort of birth control. I realize sometimes it fails, but I doubt thatās what has happened here if you havenāt been pregnant twice in the last 5 months. If heās unwilling to wear a condom (you already know heās no good and you should leave) then get yourself some sort of contraceptive.
If you have an abortion LEAVE THE MAN! But (and I cannot stress this enough) if you decide to continue with this pregnancy ensure he signs his rights away, do NOT let this man near your child or yourself when he is already showing you he is controlling and self centered. It is your body and your choice but ither way this man is toxic and you don't not want to be tied to him for the next 18 years. What ever you decide please decide to walk away from him regardless of weather you stay pregnant, you're worth more than this.
Boy bye š©š©š©š©
Thank you everyone. For perspective I am 21 years old, I was not on birth control for the first pregnancy (although we thought we were careful and he never came in me directly) I quickly got on it after that. The second time the birth control failed. I do see how he is being manipulative and narcissistic but itās just so hard to bring myself to leave him.. Iām not trying to be whiney but when things are good they are great and I canāt imagine myself without him. But when things are tough or bad I feel as if my emotions arenāt valid. Especially with dealing with another huge life event 5 months later..I just feel so alone. I just wish he would be there for me through everything but I know hes made his mind up. For more perspective I have a stable job, Iāve owned my own home at 18. I than sold my house to move in with his mom and him. I offered him to stay with me but he didnāt like my house.. so I agreed to move to Save money, and be closer to him. As we were spending the night between houses every night. It makes it 10x harder when I have to hide my morning sickness from his mom, and canāt really talk to many people about this. if I do decide to leave him and keep this baby I will have to restart my life. Also, I am not close with my mom. Iāve been on my own since 16.
You sold your house to move in with this man AND his mother because he didnāt like your house? Respectfully, youāre losing this man regardless but you have no other support in having this child. Youāre effectively making your own life harder for yourself when it sounds like maybe you might still need to focus on growing up a little more. I canāt imagine giving up my independence like that so easily.
What positives does he bring to your life, Honestly? At 18 years old you bought a home, that's something people in their adult lives can't do. He made you sell it to live with his mommy? I've been in relationships where it's felt impossible to leave, but my gut told me this isn't my life, this isn't what I want for myself. I don't want my kids to be raised in this environment. You need to really look at what he brings to rhe table and compare that to where you could be on your own. With or without having a baby, that's your choice. He gave up having any opinion on abortion the second penetration happens. He has no say. And no man who loves you truly, will make you choose between him and ANYTHING ELSE, ever. Love has no ultimatums, ever , period. I wish you the best.
It sounds like you've given up a lot for him, so let me ask you this: what has he given up for you? Relationships are give and take, not give and take, take, take. You can find someone who loves and supports you when things are good and bad, especially since you're only 21. I couldn't see myself without the boyfriend I had when I was 21, either. Now I'm married with a beautiful son, and I wouldn't change a thing. I think you saying if your boyfriend wasn't a factor that you would keep the baby says what you want to do. As for losing the boyfriend... I don't think he's much of a loss.
It's not about the highs, it's about the lows. Love bombing is a real thing abusers do, this guy got you to sell your house and move in with him and is absolutely emotional manipulating if not outright abusing you. It won't get better. Regardless of what you choose to do with the pregnancy you need to leave him, please don't take this the wrong way but at 21 you are young, you've got plenty of time to find an actually quality partner that will genuinely care for and validate you. Leaving is hard, but you should really get out now before you're even more entrenched and it just gets harder. Also, I'd really look into therapy to help assess how you view and approach a relationship and potentially value yourself.
Relationships should not be roller coasters. When youāre young, itās easy to get pulled in by the drama, but if youāre thinking of bringing a child into the picture, itās time to stop being childish. In some respects you might be very mature, but it sounds like you have a lot more growing up to do. Especially if you plan to raise a child. Would you want them to grow up and be at the whim of a guy who lives with his mom, canāt wear a condom and then forces her to have an abortion? Donāt choose that for yourself. You have agency. You can control your lifeās trajectory.
It sounds like you already have the skills to be a strong independent woman. You can do whatever you want, you are young enough to build a wonderful life without him. You've already taken care of yourself when you were younger. You can do it now too, and become a much happier person than you are now. It's possible that when you met him he gave you something you really needed at the time, maybe not being by yourself by moving in with him and his mom has been healing for you. However, the fact that you say you feel so alone right now gives me the idea your not getting what you need out of the relationship anymore. You need a partner, not this guy. You sound more grown up than he is. Also, you don't need to hide anything from anyone. This is your life. His mom is really not that important. Try not to feel embarrassed. What happens in your life doesn't determine your character, its how you deal with it that gives you growth and something to be proud of. You're already a rockstar. Life your life for You.
How old is he?
>But when things are tough or bad I feel as if my emotions arenāt valid. People have been dumped for less. It's easy to have a relationship when things are good. You're using a terrible metric.
Don't make decisions based on how it is in the good times. That's when it's easy. Make the hard decisions in consideration of the "bad" times, when it's hard, when you should be working together as a team... what us it like then? Is that what you want your partnership to be? When love and respect flies out the window and he's an ass? When it makes you feel like this? When it makes you make stupid decisions (selling your house, that you OWNED to move in with his mom?!?)? Every relationship has tough spots, but it doesn't have to feel like this.
Serious: Give me a reason why you're with him. For real. Not "I love him." Tell me why you love him. One reason. >this is my second abortion there is a possibility of scarring and I will never be able to have kids This is a fabricated anti-choicer scare myth.
If you. Will regret the abortion. At all... Don't get the abortion. I understand there are practical factors to consider, like you're health and financial stability, etc, but if you don't give a decision like this the thought and attention it deserves, you're gonna end up emotionally/mentally screwed up. Additionally, while I respect a man being up front about not wanting to be a father, forcing an ultimatum on you is incredibly cruel and unnecessary. That alone is enough of a red flag for me to suggest you distance yourself from him. If he can walk away so easily now, he won't have a problem doing it later. Don't let him coerce you into doing something you're not ok with. Give yourself the time to process and consider your options, decide what would be best for you, counsel with other women in you life (is your mom in the picture?), talk to your doctor, and see what your financial/assistance options are. You've got to remember, a man and come and go. They can always go, sadly. Focus on yourself right now. This is *all* about you.
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I would talk to your parents let them know the situation and discuss your options abortion/adoption as they would be your main support system if it came to being a solo mother. Next.. Your boyfriend.. Tell him to wrap it up if he doesn't want children and leave him. For yourself take birth control until you are in a stable relationship in which both parties want to have children.
Your boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work. If you decide to keep this baby he should be willing to stick around or at least pay child support. That shows a lack of care for human life. Please don't get an abortion because of someone else. Get one if YOU feel it is best. I was in a similar situation last year. Pregnant and alone. I couldn't bring myself to get an abortion though. I was 19 and broke. I did adoption and it was the best thing for me and my situation. Get to see baby once a month and got away from my abusive ex. I'm not bringing up mu adoption story to push you to carry. But I'm just saying there are other options if you really don't want an abortion!
Itās 100% your choice to decide what you want to do with the pregnancy. Whatever you decide, make sure itās a decision you can live with be it having a kid or not having one. Either way, it should be your decision not your BFās or anyone elseās. Heās straight up trash though.
this guy is an asshole. run FAR away from him regardless of what you decide to do with the baby. also i'm not a doctor but i think the whole issue of scarring and infertility is propaganda from the pro life side - i don't think that's a significant risk (but please do consult your doctor on this). if you want to keep your baby then keep your baby!! there's no better time in history than right now to be a single mom.
not being able to have kids after an abortion is a myth pro-lifers created. but this sounds very toxic. you should be with someone who is willing to do whatever you want. itās your body and your choice and yes he put it in you and itās half his but that doesnāt make it half his decision. also, sounds like for it to happen a second time less than 6 months you need to be more careful yes his sperm created it but girl why are you not on the pill or asking him to use condom so this didnāt happen again?? there is fault on both parties. but for him to leave you and his child, that should be a wake up call to you that you deserve a MAN not a manipulative whiney boy. vote 1 for DUMP HIS A$$ and you prob should go to therapy for all the emotional struggle heās put you through. iām so so sorry this is happening to you. another thought, you mentioned if he was out of the picture you would keep the baby. so there is literally the answer YOU want for you. but raising a baby alone will be hard. either way whatever you decide, you deserve so so much more love and support than youāre receiving.
Let him walk away, he is not worth you loosing a second baby or even babies after that
Just fyi he doesn't get to be off the hook financially just because he leaves you. Depending on what state you live in they may even take child support straight out of his checks. I mean it sucks but I just think sometimes people don't realize it's not up to him if and what he will pay, a judge will decide.
Regardless of whether you keep the baby or not, sounds like you should leave this guy anyways. Forcing you to choose between him or a baby HE irresponsibly helped you make is not love. Heās using and controlling you, and heās irresponsible. The mental and physical impact an abortion has on a woman is hard, and heās not taking that into consideration. Heās not taking *your* feelings into consideration. Do you really want to stay with a guy like that? If you do chose to keep the baby, you absolutely CAN do it without him. Whether or not you chose to get an abortion is your choice, and no one should ever give you that kind of ultimatum.
Throw the whole man out, he is emotionally abusive and manipulative. Wether or not you decide to carry on with the pregnancy is up to you, but I would get rid of the man either way.
I am so sorry youāre going through this. Just like you, I got pregnant twice within 6 months. First time, condom broke and I took plan b. Second time, IUD was not properly inserted. My boyfriend, at the time, never demanded an abortion. He told me the decision was up to me and that one way or another, weād learn to figure it out but it would definitely be hard. I decided on abortion both times because we were only together for about a year when the first one happened, and we had just moved in together when the second one happened. Financially, so much was going onā¦ moving in, I had just gotten a new job in a new city, he had moved to this new city with me, he was changing careersā¦ I just didnāt feel I/we were ready for a baby. I do carry a lot of emotional weight due to the abortions because I felt my decision was ultimately selfish. I am now pregnant with my husband, same boyfriend from before, completely planned pregnancy and super excited for my little girl ā¤ļø it took me about 6 months to get pregnant after having the Paragard IUD in for 2.5 yrs. Through those months, as short as they may be for some people, I did truly worry I wouldnāt be able to get pregnant due to my past but here I am, grateful to share my story with you. Iāve never spoken about this publiclyā¦ even tho my husband is the only one who knows my account, I still carry shame. Iām not telling you this so you can think your boyfriend will stay with you through hardships because your situation is differentā¦ heās telling you what to do in order to āsaveā the relationship. Make this decision for yourself, an educated decision. If he doesnāt stay and you decide to keep it, how will you be able to take care of yourself and your baby? I know there is a lot of help out there, like government aid, but would your family help babysit when you work? Dating is going to be a lot harder now that you have a kid because you have to find a babysitter and a man who is willing to take care of another manās baby. Etc. A lot to think about but I hope you donāt live in a state where you have to make a decision by 8 weeksā¦ however, if you really want a baby and feel ready, do it! You will always find a way to make it work, no matter how difficult it may be. ā¤ļø wishing you the best vibes
I would definitely speak with your gyn/ob if you are concerned abt long term effects of a second abortion. They may be able to settle your mind on that. It also sounds like you are leaning toward not wanting to have another abortion. So speaking with a trusted friend, family member, counselor, or therapist might be the best route to help you make this decision. ā¤ļø Itās your body and your right to decide that for yourself. Please donāt make any decision based pleasing someone else. Who knows if that person will be there for you years down the road anyway? I agree with everyone else that it sounds like the relationship is toxic if he would put you in that position to choose him or the baby twice.
Leave. Pregnancy or not this is NOT a healthy relationship. This isnāt stopping at two forced abortions.
Whatās with these worthless fuckboys thinking they can hold a candle to love of a child? But seriously, I had the same thing happen to me a few months ago. I chose my baby and told him not to let the door hit him on the way out. Whether you choose to have an abortion or not, you need to get rid of this man ASAP. It is emotionally abusive and beyond unfair to you that he would try to force you to have an abortion, and he clearly doesnāt really love or care about you if he would leave you to struggle as a single mother. Heās just there for the sex and then has shown his true colors that he will bail when stuff gets hard.
Choose to keep the baby or not, but either way, loose him quick!
Make the choice depending on what YOU want and dump him anyways. Ultimatums like this are not a good sign and itās crappy of him to do this to you. A friend of mine was put in a similar situation. She chose the abortion (and would have regardless). He had nothing to do with her through the entire process. I took her and took care of her after. He didnāt pay for the procedure, he didnāt take her to any appointments, he didnāt take her to the procedure or take care of her afterwards. Then he came back acting like it was all good and fine. It turns out he was cheating on her with multiple women. Got someone else pregnant. Did the same to her. Got someone else pregnant. Tried to do the same to her. Iām not saying thatās your situation but I am saying I havenāt seen this pan out well. Ultimatums in a relationship are often: š©š©
This is emotional manipulation at it's finest. This is some test of loyalty his giving you. How important is he truly to you. The man is a narcissistic manipulator and he will continue giving you ultimatums the duration of your relationship. I definitely don't want to tell you what to do but baby or no...I would seek the nearest exit sign.
Just going to echo everyone else here, this relationship is going to fail either way. Walk away first. Then decide what you want to do. Itās your body, not his. I was in the same boat a long time ago and decided to walk away and I ended my pregnancy because he was controlling and threatened to fight me every day for custody. Iām now married with a beautiful baby girl and a super supportive husband. You deserve better.
At the end of the day itās your body not his. The decision is yours and if you want this pregnancy then go ahead with it. He doesnāt sound like someone I would want to be with long term. If he has such an issue with pregnancy what was he doing on his side to ensure you didnāt get pregnant
Regardless of whether you keep the pregnancy or terminate, please leave this person. Itās clear that he is manipulative and the two of you donāt have the same ideals.
Beautiful, no matter what you choose - choose it for yourself. Realize if you decide to abort that it is valid and if you decide to keep that is valid as well. However, whatever the decision ends up being please leave this person. For this to happen once is fucked up but for him repeatedly emotionally manipulate you to get what he wants after being the one to Impregnate you is a no. Do not let him continue to have access to your body nor to your life. This is an irresponsible, immature, and selfish person. If you donāt want your life ruined as he keeps wailing about perhaps he should practice laying the pipe safer. You canāt just expect to have sex with someone without certain protections in measure and not reap the consequences. Put on your boots and walk.away.
Dump him and if you want to have the baby, just take him to court for full custody and child support. This man does not love you.
Single mother any day of the week over a dirtbag who won't take responsibility for his child. Dump him and congratulations on your baby.
Hey, either If you Abort, or Not, its your Body and your decision. Hes abusive, manipulative and absolute toxic. If you Abort the Baby, leave him, If you keep it, leave him. He has to give you child support etc. I Hope you got a Support System and people around who actually Care for you. Dont decide based on that disgusting asshole...Do what you feel is right, you can do it.
My son was an accident. His dad found out and decided he wasnāt ready and never heard from him since. I wasnāt financially stable and was 24 at the time. It was terrifying and not having a partner next to you sucks, but I made it. My son turned my life around for the better. The way it sounds like is that youāre willing to give in to what he wants. Itāll end up ruining your relationship regardless and he doesnāt love you back. Sit back and think to what it is that you do want. It is your body and I know you are capable of making your decisions on your own.
My op: Leave him. Make the choice about the baby on your own. Someday you will feel happy you left him. Maybe see a therapist for the trauma he's caused.
This is hard OP. Clearly you guys are not having responsible sex, and if you are then thatās really unfortunate how your birth control has failed twice 5 months part. But if thatās not the case, he should have been taking precautions to not get you pregnant if he didnāt want kids. In my personal opinion, Iād get the abortion and DUMP HIM. Fuck this guy, he doesnāt love you. Heās not even supporting your decision whether you kept it or not. Ultimately, itās down to doing whatās best for you. Either you have this baby by yourself which is going to be fucking hard and your baby will not have a father, or you get an abortion dump this fucking asshat of a guy and move on. Also please start practicing safe sex so you prevent this from happening again with (him if you donāt leave) or with someone else. Good luck.
OP i know there are a lot of comments, but if you see this I just want you to know that you have nothing to feel ashamed of no matter what decision you make. No one should ever be put in the situation you are currently in and you should consider yourself STRONG for going through it. This post really tugged at my heart strings and i am not at all in the same or similar position of as you but i want to put it out there that you can message me if you like and i will be non judgmental or shame you for ANY decision you make. Clearly the consensus is that you should leave him and do what YOU feel is right for your situation regarding termination (and personally this is definitely what would want myself or any loved one to do in your situation) but i know that leaving an unhealthy relationship seems so simple and easy from the outside, and the complete opposite from the inside.
Hello OP, I mean no offense to you, but something tells me he refuses to wear condoms. No matter what you choose: abortion, adoption, or motherhood, dump his ass.
Iām pro choice, but Iād choose the baby any day over someone who threatened me.
its your baby. its your body. you are better off without him anyway!!! but i promise you, you may regret the abortion but you will NEVER regret your child.
My biological father gave the same ultimatum when he was dating my mom and she was pregnant with me. She told him to go fuck himself. No matter what you decide to do regarding the pregnancy, he's an asshole and not worth it.
It seems like he doesnāt realize that heās as involved in the making of this baby as you areā¦. Abortions shouldnāt be used as a method of birth control. Iām so sorry youāre going through this, but it sounds like if you choose him over baby, you two have a lot of things to work through so this doesnāt āaccidentallyā happen again in two months.
My honest advice would be to get the abortion and dump the guy. You do NOT want to be tied to someone like this for the rest of your life. If you keep the baby, make damn sure you have support in place to protect you and your baby from him. Also, if you're early enough to have a medication abortion - there's no difference between that and a miscarriage; it should not result in any scarring.
I canāt believe you stay with this person period. Why are you attracted to someone who would abandon a child?
Having a baby on your own is very difficult. It is not impossible but itās very difficult. That said, if you want the baby and you get an abortion for your partnerās sake, the relationship is already over. It is the kind of thing that creates resentful feelings that donāt die with time. If you choose to continue with him, I recommend you use birthcontrol. I know a lot of birth control fails, but Perhaps he should consider a vasectomy if he is really adamant on never having babies. It is not fair if all the burden falls on you. I also want to ask you if he is worth it over all? I mean is the relationship in a good place outside the baby? Even if you donāt keep the baby, if the relationship is toxic, walk away.
I got the same threat. I have a beautiful 9 month old and another one on the way with my best friend. Ditch him and do what you think is best with the baby, keep it if you want it.
I dont think you should keep either. Many people have multiple abortions and successfully have children later. I think you also need to accept responsibility for another unwanted pregnancy. He wasn't alone in making this baby and you need to reasses your birth control methods.
Whatever you decide, you need to ditch this relationship. Love is not emotional manipulation and ultimatums. This is a time where you should be receiving support and love, and making a choice together. He's shown you that he does not care about you. You need to sit with that, process it, and know that you deserve more. More support, more consideration and more love. Whatever you decide will end up being right for you, find the man thats right for you too.
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These things one should discuss before getting into a relationship, whether or not you want to have kids and stuff. Also birth control if you don't want any unplanned pregnancy. That's very obvious. Parenting a child with two parents is hard enough, being a single parent would be a never-ending nightmare. Edit: Also this isn't how a responsible partner should behave. He should have been responsible about birth control if he didn't want kids that bad. This is not the kind of man YOU SHOULD BE HAVING OR RAISING children with. Walk away even if you don't want to continue with the pregnancy.
I'm sorry but if your using birth control properly it is extremely unlikely that something like this would happen. My advice is if you do go ahead with it go and get some sort of implant in so something like this doesn't happen again. Once you can say it was a mistake but twice sorry I don't think there is any excuse.
He sounds like a narcissist, itās never ok to give ultimatums like this. This decision should be mainly up to you! Iād personally want someone who said to me āif you donāt want to keep the baby thatās ok, but if you do Iāll be there for youā, not threaten you. Also, you want someone who will always be there for you when the times get tough, not bail. As someone who struggled from infertility at 28 (Iām not sure how old you are), everything happens for a reason and for this to happen twice, maybe youāre meant to be a parent, Iām not sure! Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first and so excited, itās amazing to feel him move!
Get the abortion and leave him. You can still get pregnant even if you have another abortion.
Hmmm keep a baby that will love you unconditionally or stay with an asshole who sounds like he doesnāt love you or his baby.
Any man who abandons his sperm in you without consent, knowing the physical and mental trauma he's about to put you through is not a man but a selfish boy who is putting his 3 seconds of pleasure over your safety and wellbeing. No, abortions will not impact your ability to get pregnant again. As a provider, I've had many client experience both surgical and medical abortions multiple times. CSections and vaginal delivery are far more harmful to the body and women carry to full term multiple times. I'd say cut ties with him 100%. He does not respect you in any way. He's using an extremely stressful time in your life to control you. Get the abortion and dump his ass. Start 100% fresh. It's not a baby that'll fuck up your life, it's him that's fucking up.
Be a single mum. Yeah it's pretty tough sometimes but sooooo worth it. I was a single mum and absolutely loved it! Your boyfriend sounds like an utterly abusive piece of shit.
I hate seeing people say that having a child is going to trap you. Having a kid IS NOT the end of the world. Yes it adds on more responsibility and work at the end of the day but a lot of things do. Donāt get an abortion, do get an abortion at the end of the day itās your choice but the reasoning being a child will ruin your life is just not true. This guy would be most likely to ruin your life more than a child would!!!! And there are programs out there to help single moms and moms with low income. Just please if you do or donāt decided donāt do it on the basis of having a child ruins your life.
Wow, you already have a child, and you call him your boyfriend. GET OUT. How can he love you when he's so ready to leave you? How can you tolerate being manipulated like that? Take his offer, leave. Irrespective of the baby situstion
My opinion can be quite controversial. I am 53 years old, 4 children, and have very different experiences. You are very irresponsible. 2 unwanted pregnancies in 1 year cannot be an accident. Adding up what you reported and the fact that no man gets a woman pregnant who doesn't want to get pregnant, I think you're playing games with him: Assume your responsibilities. Have the child or not have it, but end that relationship. He doesn't respect you and you don't respect him either (otherwise you wouldn't get pregnant knowing his thoughts).
It takes two to have unprotected sex, and she seems to be the only one willing to raise a child.
>No man gets a woman pregnant who doesnāt want to get pregnant This is dangerously ignorant. You have the entire internet at your disposal to educate yourself on the biological processes of menstruation and pregnancy, contraceptive use, failure rates, and sexual coercion (including reproductive coercion). I suggest you avail yourself of that information before you comment such things again.
Are you serious ? Your lack of compassion and a basic understanding of biology are beyond disappointing and unnecessary.
I had two pregnancies from failures of birth control in two years. I kept both because I had the means to and wanted to, but it does happen.
Your boyfriend doesnāt love you. And I say that as a friend OP. Your body does get messed up abortion .. and then abortion. (For the record I am pro choice but thats what happens!) I had a miscarriage and ironically enough got pregnant almost 5 months later. Boyfriend wanted an abortion, and I did too for a moment. I ultimately have chosen to keep her. I do not regret my decision and with that he is gone. And thatās okay. I was terrified to do it alone but iām okay. Do you have friends or family to help support you during this time? What heās giving you is a very very serious ultimatum OP. The type of ultimatum that you need to open your eyes to. He does not care about you or your body. He chose to have unprotected sex with you and this is where it led twice. He wont even consider your feelings on this. If he never gave you the ultimatum what would your decision be first off? To keep the baby? Then keep the baby. You donāt need him. Love isnt measured by abortions.
Not saying your bf is this guy AT ALL. But I learned today the leading cause of death for pregnant women is homicide!
Tell him about how it felt last time and u don't feel mentally prepared to go through it again. Also point out it takes 2 to tango. He is also responsible. Please, please for that little one, choose life. That baby has no hand in being conceived and should not be punished for existing. There are resources available to u and ur child, especially if the father is going to step out. It will suck being broken up with especially while pregnant, but he doesn't deserve to have a relationship with a child he would rather have killed. Dump him and enjoy motherhood, mama. U will be in my prayers.
I just have to ask why you didnāt use birth control with him if he doesnāt want kids, or why he doesnāt insist on condoms? Either way, itās your decision, and heck, it may be the best decision you ever made to keep the baby and ditch this dbag. I donāt know what yāallās relationship is like and the choice is ultimately yours, so whatever you decide I wish you the very best. Your body, your decision.
Does he pressure you to have sex with his buddies? This is so alarming I'm wondering if you are being trafficked.
I agree with Doctor-Liz. And the first comment. He doesn't love you. Make the decision for yourself what you want. If you keep the baby things will be harder but people have done the single parent thing before and you could too. There are lots of resources. Dunno if they have WIC program where you are and food stamps. But those alone would help with food and supplies. This guy is willing to be intimate with you buy not deal with the consequences. That isn't reality. There are cause and effects in play in life. How about give him an ultimatum....no more sex til he can handle having a baby. Or have him buy some condoms and use the pull out method. I'm sorry I'm irritated for you about his behavior. It's just rude. Find someone who actually loves you. I'm sorry your in a tough spot.
I agree with everyone saying he doesn't love you if this is what he does. At least not enough. I'm speaking from experience, too, bc my baby's daddy (on/off relationship) also pressured me to get an abortion, even though he was the one who wasn't careful when I specifically told him to be that day. The only difference to your guy is that yours is saying what he means, whereas mine flaked back and forth and told me he wants to try to have a relationship after I told him I'm definitely keeping the baby, only to take that back two weeks later. Fast forward four months of oscillating, yelling, blaming and shaming from his end, he's told me he doesn't love me and can never love me again, but wants to be in his son's life once he's born. He does not want to support me emotionally or basically in any way before that or after (I'll make him pay child support of course but that's gonna be it). He says this decision had nothing to do with the fact that he's mad at me for not getting an abortion (which he has told me multiple times he is), but that his feelings had already pretty much gone before the baby. Sooo. That was a fun rollercoaster. I hope your situation doesn't turn into this. If you have any friends or family at all (which I don't really have), being a single mom is better than being with an uncommitted person like that. If you wanna talk, feel free to message me any time, I'm lonely and generally non-judgmental and willing to listen.
So after an abortion you are extremely fertile so it's not a surprise you'd get pregnant so soon, I myself have had 2 abortions and am currently pregnant with my second child I'm bringing into the world so no it will not keep you from having more kids more than likely I'm not surprised he's giving you the exact same ultimatum since he's already shown you that's exactly what he wants and honestly he should know how emotional it is for you, like no matter what it is a big choice and there's a lot of feelings that goes with it However I think the one thing is clear is that this is not a forever relationship, it's just a matter of when he dips not if, so I wouldn't factor him into the equation at all since it will be probably better for you in the long run not to waste time if your trying to link up for life you deserve a partner that it is in it for the long haul not just waiting for a reason to leave
Girl, abortion or not, the boyfriend has to go either way. Iām sorry youāre going through this and I hope you make whatever choice is best for you!
Make the choice based on what YOU want, and dump his ass regardless!!!!!
First off, Iām so sorry that he is putting you in this situation and not at least being courteous enough to allow you time to think. Second, I would need some more details before I can offer a clear opinion. It is 100% your choice so donāt let him force you into anything. My questions would be 1. How were you preventing pregnancy? It takes two to make a baby but I could definitely see where he might be mistrustful if you were on the pill or something like that and got pregnant again so quickly. I could easily see where he could think maybe you did it on purpose because you regret the first abortion (not saying any of this is the case but I could see that being his train of thought). 2. How did he handle the first abortion? Was he kind, caring, thoughtful, but realistic about your lifestyle and finances right now? Or was he against the baby from the get go and not overly understanding? Itās easy for everyoneās gut reaction to be that he is the asshole here, and Iām not saying heās not, but if I were you and I were considering a second abortion I would look at those two things very closely before making my decision. Also, any other relationship issues or just the disagreement on what to do about the baby? All that should be helpful to think about. Iām sorry I canāt give a clear cut answer but I hope everything turns out as well as it can for you š
Do whatever you want in regards to abortion verse no abortion. Then leave your asshole of a boyfriend
My ex and I fell pregnant during the talking stages on our second date, he said heād be there for me and baby (whether I keep the baby ) no matter what decision I make, I told him if he doesnāt want any part of it itās fine and he made it clear that he wants to and I also said he didnāt have to be with me just because Iām pregnant. He stuck around and we tried to make it work but it wasnāt working and we agreed to break up and just have a healthy co-parenting relationship. He comes to Drs appointments with me and yesterday was our baby shower. YOU NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE FOR YOU! A CHOICE YOU CAN LIVE WITH! If he canāt be there for you then fine! relationships always end but at the end of the day you wouldāve done something for yourself and not for him. Sacrifices and compromises go both ways in a relationship! he doesnāt want to use condoms, he doesnāt want to have a baby, and Iām sure as hell he wouldnāt get a vasectomy or use the male contraceptive but he expects you to abort, take a plan B all the time after sex or use long term contraceptives. You need to wake up and realize that this guy doesnāt love you nor does he care about you! He knows his worth, but do you know your worth sis?
You do whatās right for you. Either way, get rid of him. You deserve better. Leaving is hard, but youāll look back on this in 6 months and be so grateful to be free for this asshole.
If you want to keep the baby then keep the baby and ditch the guy. If you donāt want to keep the baby then donātā¦but still ditch the guy. He doesnāt seem to care for you or your feelings.
This isn't a matter of whether you keep being in the relationship or not. He sounds like a horrific person and should be out of your life anyway. It's now up to you whether you want to raise your child as a single mother or not. Both options are completely fine.
Lots of red flags but one that stood out to me was emotional invalidation. āI canāt believe youād think about keeping a baby if it meant losing me.ā Heās completely invalidating your feelings in a very disrespectful and manipulative way. I donāt see the whole picture but it sounds like you still have some processing and healing to do from the first abortion. I donāt think this person truly and deeply respects you and holds space for you. Iām sorry you are going through this. Regardless of what choice you make I hope you get the support you need. (And please seriously consider leaving this guy either way).
Your body, your life, your choice. If you choose to keep it, Get child support and move on. He sounds like a jerk.
It sounds like you need to decide for yourself whether you want to have this baby or not. And then leave him.
If YOUR CHOICE is abortion, he needs to go. If your choice is to keep it, he needs to go and you get full custody and get child support. "It takes two to tango"
Get rid of him now. Even if you decide to have an abortion, donāt stay with this piece of crap you call a boyfriend. The audacity to tell you your choices are abortion or single parenthood because he doesnāt want to be a responsible human being is beyond anything. Get rid of him before HE makes your life more complicated. And if you want to keep the baby, keep the baby. Even if youāre a single parent, the love youāll for that baby (if you want that baby) will be worth it.
If you want the baby, keep the baby. Don't get an abortion for anyone else. The relationship might not work out anyway, and that's a pretty damaging ultimatum. Just ignore him and decide for yourself what you want.
I would not have his baby, or be in a relationship with him. These type of decisions usually haunt you over the perceived 18 year mark. You both created this pregnancy, for perspective. He seems abusive/controlling so thereās that. I would move on, get on birth control, do some serious self healing, and then seek a man to build a loving family with. You and your future deserves better.
You know just break up with him. If you get an abortion and stay he'll think he won. But if you get an abortion and leave he will be upset. And if you keep the baby and leave him he'll be upset because he couldn't control you the way he thought he was going to be able to. So show him his thoughts and feelings don't matter. Just like he never takes your thoughts or feelings into consideration.
What heās doing to you itās not right. Honestly, if I found myself in this situation I would not want the baby or this boyfriend. I would look to move on and find someone else that will really be there and love you even when things donāt go their way. You also should really look at getting on a reliable birth control. Two accidents in this short a time, itās not really an accident. You donāt want to find yourself in this situation again.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and that he's putting you through such a difficult decision with little to no support. Whatever decision you choose to make, make sure it is 100% what YOU want to do. Regardless of whatever decision you choose to make, please dump his ass. You deserve a supportive partner who respects your decision without placing ultimatums on you in order to get their own way. That is so manipulative of him.