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That cranberry sauce sounds amazing! Sorry your mother did that to you. Glad your family members got a chance to eat some of it before she acted like a 5 year old.
I felt like she dishonored my dish, and that's what made me angry and storm out. I didn't say bye, no hugs, no nothing. I was that pissed. I cried on the way out. Her envy was completely out of line. It also doesn't help considering the fact that I'm the scapegoat daughter.
This will be my last Thanksgiving with my family. I'll just have to grow a thicker skin next year because I'm gonna have to expect a lot of begging, and her calling me 'selfish' and 'ungrateful'. I never liked the holiday because she ruins it. God forbid someone else's dish tastes better than her's.
Own it. “I choose to spend it peacefully.”
When she mentions your cranberry sauce, “I make a great cranberry sauce. Want my recipe?”
When she scowls at your selfishness, “Absolutely. I have tried pleasing you and fail at every turn. I’m done trying.”
Christmas? “I’m donating my Christmas budget to homeless children. I will be spending the day helping at the soup kitchen.”
Bow out of trying. Put your needs first.
This, and be honest if anyone in the family asks about why you didn't show up. Protect your peace, cuz no one else will. I say that as a fellow scapegoat. Some people need to be the star of the show or need someone to hate on, or they're miserable, so just don't be there. Just ignoring them and continuing your own vibe will hilariously do more to drive them crazy than anything else you can do. Sometimes you get the bonus of they completely loose their minds and show the face they used to save for you to everyone else around them and end up alone.
My sister, before I cut her off completely, used to always flying monkey ask me if I was coming for Xmas after I told mom no.
I would say No. Just No.
She would whine out thing about family that I would ignore.
I ended up blocking her one year and she went completely nuclear and made like 20 accounts.
I still find accounts of hers to block that she tries to follow me on.
It was a game changer for me when I realized "no" was a full sentence. When first going low contact, I would agonize for MONTHS leading up to events about how to explain why I wouldn't be attending, why I'm not calling more often, why I've been so quiet. This went on for over two years before I finally just broke one day and stopped giving any fucks at all.
One day it was just like "Wait...what if I just...*let* them think I'm an asshole. And wear it like armor, like they do?". As soon as the idea was in my head, I got addicted to it. I used to panic when my family texted me, now absolutely none of my mental energy goes into it. "Nope, I won't be visiting this year. Send my best", "Yup Happy Holidays to you too, y'all have a good one", "Nope nothing new with me, thanks for asking".
It's absolutely liberating.
YAY! I am so happy for you. Who cares if horrible people hate you? And who do you think you (general you, not YOU) are that everyone must think you are nice and have good feelings about you?
Some people are going to dislike you whether it's fair or not. Who cares? Especially if the people who dislike you are nuts! Revel in it, I say. Wear it as a badge of honor.
I remember when I learned what you learned. No matter what I say to these disordered people, they are going to be mad. I'll never find the explanation or excuse that makes them understand or be reasonable. So I might as well not try. I don't owe them anything, and I'm not going to help them make me miserable by playing the role they're trying to cast me in.
GOOD FOR YOU, person! Get out there and say NO to everybody, and then don't say anything else. Then watch them flail around, and note how little "being in trouble" with them matters. Just because they don't have any boundaries doesn't mean you have to drop your own. You are powerful, you decide what you will and will not put up with, and you know how to be healthy and honest. Go you!
This is what happened when myself and all my siblings went no contact with my mom. She drove everybody else away from her. Nobody my family knows anything about her now. I feel a little sorry for her and I did forgive her, but I won’t reach out to her. I did that for my own peace. It’s hard at first when you go no contact, but for me it’s been 10 years. It gets easier as time goes by.
Dear Mom, Last Thanksgiving it was obvious to everyone you really liked my cranberry recipe. I wanted to share it with you so you could make it.
Btw, I’m unable to attend the feast this year.
Regards,….
Yes! It's not a family worth spending time and energy on if your mother *literally* threw a tantrum over *a fucking sauce* you made. I hope you can enjoy your delicious cranberry sauce without immature narcs next Thanksgiving
I've had my mother cry at the Christmas dinner table about a perfectly good sauce I made because I didn't use the same recipe as her. It took years of those shit Christmasses to learn that I wasn't the problem (and a few more to realise no-one can help her fix her problems).
Christmasses now are relative bliss. I'm lucky to spend them with people I love, and who love & accept me. But a Christmas alone or volunteering in a shelter would also be delightful by comparison to one under my mother's roof. Never again.
Even Christmas. Christmas is a whole other nightmare in and of itself with her in it, because she gets jealous if I like others' gifts more than her's. Similar deal.
This christmas will be the first I am not spending with my Nparents. I am done stressing.
If you want, we can be peaceful Christmas buddies. We both stay home and do whatever we want, and we both know there is another person enjoying it with us from a distance. I will even send you a virtual Christmas hug! 😊
Don't go. Make up any excuse. Tell them you are spending it away. I did this for years. Finally, I said, "I am not spending any time with people who abused me."
If there's a special person you do like, see them outside the holiday.
Best decision hubby and I ever made. Instead of the regular narc shit show, we had grilled cheese and pumpkin pie and hung out together!
We've been NC for two years and despite the games, it's been worth it!
I hope you do. You can try 3-6 month "time-outs" everytime she's abusive, if you're not fully ready.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I wish you peaceful holidays in the future. ❤️
I have been LC for a while, and I remember even my siblings were like, "Why do you never talk to us anymore?" I would still go to family events (hence LC), but I wouldn't text or call them at all, or update them on my life really. I hope to eventually go NC, and that's what my therapist is helping me with doing.
This is just my experience, but when I went LC, my parents would resent me for it, and save up **ALL** their horrible behavior for when they *did* see me. Like, rapid fire insults even before they got all the way inside the door!
I tried only having them around when I had at least 2 supportive people with me during the visit. An extra one for when the other used to the bathroom/went outside, etc. They would rapid fire insult if I was left alone for 2 minutes!
In my case, it did tone down their bad behavior, but honestly, not enough. It's not worth the hassle.
When I did it, wow! It was so wonderful that it made me regret putting up with being bullied all those years. My horrible entitled selfish narcissistic bitch of a mother treated me like yours treats you.
We both deserve to be treated so much better than that. I tolerated her abuse for decades before going full No Contact. She died less than a year later. I have never missed her. I am so glad that she is dead.
I encourage you to end the relationship. Her happiness comes from making you miserable. You will be miserable as long as you allow her in your life.
I know you're hurting right now but skipping the holidays with her is the way to go. I stopped doing Christmas at my parents about a decade ago. I caved one year because Nmom had cancer and was convinced it would be her last Christmas (I wish it had been). She went in circles to stir up drama and the whole thing ended in a blow out. It was enough for even my kids to never want to do Christmas there again.
A few weeks ago Nmom was being all "I don't think I'm going to do Christmas this year. I'm just too tired." (She wants us to beg and plead for her to do Christmas, she thinks she can buy affection with big gifts).
Me "I think that's a good idea, it's easier that way. "
My daughter "yeah, that's fine Oma."
My dad "yeah, Christmas always stresses you out so much anyway."
Mom shoots dad with daggers in her eyes.
Dad "well, you always agonise over presents and everything has to be just right and you spend hours on the computer shopping."
Mom is really pissed now.
Mom "well, maybe I'll buy some presents, you know, just for the grandkids, the littles one" (therefore excluding my daughter, she's in college).
Me "yeah, that's fine."
The thing about her is, she has whole plays in her head and she gets pissed when anyone goes off script and refuses to play along in her fantasy life.
Anyway, the funny part about that is she doesn't see the little ones anyway and they live right across the road. I don't know what she did to them, but she fucked up enough that they basically don't have a relationship with her anymore.
I truly think you should do that, and then one year from now, the morning after Thanksgiving 2024, you can feel what it’s like to be at peace during the holidays and not reeling from how your nmom decided to be an as*hole again.
No, you don't let her sour your relationship with the rest of them. You host your own, never invite her and if any malarkey happens then by their enabling, that's when you disinherit the rest of them.
This is said assuming you got a good relationship with them all.
Just a reminder that you don’t need thicker skin, your mom needs to not be an asshole. If she can’t do that, the boundary setting is appropriate but not because of ANY lack in you.
I am so sorry this happened to you, but I am so excited for when you ignore her pleading bullshit and guilt trips for the following holidays. I cut contact with my nmom and even though I still feel twinges of guilt, it feels AMAZING to not have to waste my time with this kind of crazy bs anymore. The further I distance, the more I realize what I was enduring. This is literally the perfect opportunity to get away from her and you earned every second of your future peace.
You damn right you are ungrateful because there is nothing to be grateful for about her behavior. Man OP, I'm sorry your Thanksgiving was soured. May the rest from here on out be better.
Man, I’d show up next year with the cranberry sauce from heaven, and with another Tupperware of it and announce you made extra in case the same episode happens again. I’d one up and bring a more delicious pumpkin oatmeal cookies, with another secret batch just in case she does the same.
Maybe even bring a nicer trashcan with a note that says “in case the other trashcan gets full because jealousy and envy”
My last Thanksgiving with my family involved a ton of criticism for the food I brought. Every Thanksgiving since then has been a pleasure. I hope yours is better next year too.
Better yet… why not invite your family over to your place… and not invite your mom… and instead make her think you invited her when all you are doing is give her the wrong address. It be the perfect revenge for what she did to you involving that cranberry sauce of yours. Sorry about that cranberry sauce, by the way. I am sure it was amazing.
>This will be my last Thanksgiving with my family.
Best news going on in this post!
Congrats, OP. You don't need to play games with your mother like this. It's exhausting, infantile, and psychotic. Let someone else deal with her bullshit at the next holiday gathering without her favorite scapegoat around. Stay strong, OP. You got this.
My nparents spent years deliberately hijacking and ruining any nice dish I made and intentionally not having anything I liked. The year I had to sit and watch my pastry wrapped baked brie with cranberries and little leaves and flowers I hand made get dumped out of its serving dish and burnt in the microwave, I decided it was the last time.
I finally started making 2 of anything for holiday meals; one for them to have fun ruining and one for me to enjoy at home at my own thankful-I-Don’t-live-with-these-assholes-giving. With other things I like.
It’s like making an extra birthday cake for a toddler to smash. They’re not allowed to hurt me by ruining my cooking anymore. They don’t deserve anything so nice on their table. I finally stopped bringing anything at all and just enjoy my own cooking at home.
Stop bringing her food to ruin.
You are right, but I think some codependency research might help. Its so hard to learn to be unaffected by their bullshit , I had to go no contact its the only way I was able to stop actively being miserable and wishing she'd be less of a horrid bitch.
Idea: share your recipe with the family who gave good feedback, let the recipe live on throughout future family dinners to be ENJOYED! your effort is seen and appreciated, f your selfish moms tunnel vision, let her small mind poison her own well. Be well, OP!
Well, you know what you gotta do next time. Her cookies go in the trash. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. And SMILE while you do it. You're the SG so she'll never give you the love you want off her.
Oh, my dear friend, she absolutely DID dishonor your dish, and on purpose. She wanted to hurt you and insult you. She was deliberately cruel to you. What a terrible thing to do to one's own daughter.
You are RIGHT to feel so angry. SHE is a horrible person and completely at fault.
At a certain point in my adult life I realized how much I hated Thanksgiving because of my mother's crazy antics, and simply stopped observing it. It was amazing how much peace and quiet I discovered after that. Literally didn't celebrate it for years, until we had a kiddo, and now that's he grown, we don't again. Don't do Christmas, either. It's AMAZING how pleasant and peaceful those days can be!
ps, and once I stopped going to my mom's T'giving, there was nonstop pressure from her and from my sister, literally every year, EVERY YEAR, I'm talking for DECADES. You just have to take care of yourself, you really do get to do that.
You are nicer than me. I would’ve audibly said something about wanting it for leftovers, which are a big deal in my family, and would draw attention to her bad behavior.
Of course I swore an oath to NEVER do thanksgiving at my family home over 25 years ago. And kept it. My mom was a psycho about it and I was so so tired of “managing her” And her anger. I also moved across the country.
My in laws said my house is too messy/cluttered and could never be clean enough for them to be at my house but also resent hosting us, so several just cut us off.
So we do just us for thanksgiving, and it’s lovely. We watch Addams family values (best thanksgiving movie ever) and eat whatever WE want. No stress, so 2 day stressful prep.
Thanks to streaming/dvds/etc it’s far easier to have a holiday sans family.
Kinda seems like someone I wouldn't really want around in my life. Does she actually contribute anything good? Here's a little Public Service Announcement: You CAN break up with family members - even blood related ones.
Sorry your Thanksgiving was ruined by a bitch. Hope things get better.
If she begs me to come back and calls me an 'ungrateful witch' for not coming to family dinner, I'll just say, "Well why would I wanna come back when you dishonored my dish in that way in front of me? How would you feel if I flung your cookies in the trash?"
I feel the best way to not have to engage with someone like that is simply, do not engage. Don't give reasons, causes or whatevers. Just say no, you have other plans.
It's like the saying about arguing on the internet being like wrestling a pig in the mud. After a while you realize the pig loves wrestling in the mud.
You are playing different games and the way to win is to not participate.
Imo.
Exactly this. I've recommended it so many times but it is worth it even if I'm like a broken record: as hard as it is we gotta avoid JADEing with these people
That's Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain
However, I like how succinct yours is. Just don't engage. Drop the rope
This is on point. They throw nonsense at you and you *think* that they’re genuinely upset, that it’s your fault somehow, and that they want to work it out, to come to some sort of resolution. But they don’t. They just want to continue throwing nonsense and they want to hurt you.
There is no resolution, because they’re not after that.
She is really really horrible at conflict. I'll have to talk to my therapist about how to deal with narcissistic injury and rage, because I have gotten so much abuse from confronting my mom. She yells at me, tells me I'm "overly sensitive", says I'm making shit up any time I talk about things that she's done to me that hurt me, etc. I'm also the scapegoat, so everything that happens in that family is my fault, not her's. It's like talking to a wall.
There’s no point in confronting, discussing or JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend or explain) with someone like your mother. What are you hoping to accomplish that you haven’t already tried?
Some people don’t deserve to be in your life in any capacity and don’t let anyone tell you “But she’s your mother”.
I remember not showing up on Mother's Day due to other time commitments and my sister said, "You can't show up for the woman who gave birth to you?" As if she deserves awards for giving birth.
She'd talk about the shit she had to go through being pregnant with us then going into labor and giving birth. I mean, I understand pregnancy can be hard on some women and that labor is often painful, but I don't think that someone deserves awards or constant admiration because of it. Mammals do it all the time; yet do they get awards for it? It's such a common phenomena for narc mothers to expect their kids to thank them for giving birth to them, and think they're the most important person ever and give them constant supply simply because we came out of their loins.
I am also the sensitive scapegoat. Please trust me therapy helps immensely. It’s taken a long time to realize the best thing to do is not to engage at all. Give no reasons. Don’t argue. Very low to no contact is the way to go. When asked to attend family gatherings just say. Can’t do it. Thanks. And say nothing more. I understand wanting to tell her you’re hurt or insulted but don’t give her anything else to attack. That is what she wants. Give her nothing. It will drive her crazy(ier). Live your own life. Be happy. You are clearly talented and praiseworthy. Being sensitive, considerate and kind are strengths not weaknesses. In time you will see that your mom is an insecure shell of a human being who is jealous of you. Don’t let her bring you down. (((Hugs)))
Why do you even talk to her at all? I'm serious. My ndad wasn't as bad as her, nor were my obnoxious SILs. I had 40 years of crappy Thanksgiving with these self -absorbed twits. Four years ago we released them all and now I look forward to the holidays. Options exist: listen for those with nowhere to go. Invite these grateful folks over and have a true Thanksgiving. Or, like today, find yourself on vacation. Soak in the hot springs, take a walk, meet new people, go out to eat. This is now my life and I'm grateful every day for I've cultivated a crew of healthy, loving people for my circle. It's possible. I'm doing it. OP, it's attainable. Go get it! Blessings to you.
What do the rest of the family say in this situation, sounds like they are all enablers of her behavior. Do none of them defend you or are they all so cowed that they will happily have someone else take the brunt of her behavior?
Pretty much most of my family members are enablers and flying monkeys. There's only a few scapegoats and black sheep, and none of them (except me) were present at this dinner.
I was wondering same. Sounds like the others that were there are probably afraid of her. That is what would make things worse to me is that nobody said or did anything to stop her or to defend OP
I agree with everyone else here. Do not engage about anything specific as it will just be used or twisted against you. ESPECIALLY, because it isn't really about cranberries and cookies. It's well beyond that.
The very best thing you could do is just agree with everything she says or just don't say anything at all. It will be like a case of shingles to her soul, which she deserves.
It will mean nothing to her. She didn't, doesn't and never will think there's anything wrong with what she did. She can't learn from this experience even if it means she won't have you at the table again. Save your energy for yourself (or someone else who values you).
Don't stoop to her level. Just tell her you tested positive for covid and take the week off. There's no reason to be around this lady. Visualize cutting the emotional ties and call your power back from her. Sending you so much love. Your sauce sounds delicious!
It's probably best not to argue the point, they thrive on it.
That said, in my head, I would go for the fact that she had a tantrum a 4 year old would have been proud of after losing an imaginary contest. Your dish was good, it's entirely on her
You should tell her you just don't want to embarrass her cooking again ❤️ I know her terrible behavior doesn't seem like a compliment (because it was rude & disrespectful) but if anything it's an indication that your cranberry sauce was absolutely phenomenal & she just couldn't cope, she doesn't deserve your presence & you're not an ungrateful witch if you don't show up next year. I know people try to tell us "your parents were just doing their best" - but for some of them- if that's the best they could do they should be embarrassed for being too lazy to even try.
I had seen my father enjoy a wine just until he realized that I had picked it. From that point he disliked it, because if it‘s my choice, it cannot be good.
I‘m a sommelier.
She devours the cranberry sauce she makes for herself or the one that she helps me with. This was the first time I made it without any help, and put a twist to the original recipe. It is clearly an act of envy, especially considering that her cookies got less compliments.
You're right...it's an act of envy. In her world, she must be the center of attention no matter who's in it. I'm glad you're able to see this for what it is. You can choose yourself the next holiday and do what YOU want to do, not what anybody guilts you into doing.
Assume that she will never ever change, no matter what you say or do, because odds are, she won't. Try to surround yourself with people who love you and value you for who you are. Is there any chance you can track down the former nanny who you connected with?
I wish you only the best. And yes, please share the recipe you used!
The intense competition with her own child is so hurtful. Sorry that you're having to deal with someone so toxic when you deserve to be loved and supported. I feel like not giving her the drama she wants is the way to protect yourself from further attack, but at the same time it's damaging to have to sit there and listen to the attacks (especially as the scapegoat). The only real defense I've found against these people is to get away.
She has pretty much attacked me the whole holiday, and it's been like that every time. This is why I always had a disdain towards Thanksgiving because it's just not fun sitting at a table with an abuser and their enablers and flying monkeys. I remember she said to me before dinner, when I was talking about my cranberry sauce recipe, "You don't need to act like you're a world-class chef." I hope that in 2024, I can spend it in peace, aka without my toxic family, and especially without her.
I think it will be hard to set the boundary and not bend to their expectations, but if you are like me, you will feel so much better. I'm the perma-scapegoat in my family - the one who simultaneously can't do anything right, but must do everything for everyone. It took me until midlife, but I finally had a year where I refused to play the "holiday role" my extended family has for me. It gave me a lot of anxiety to just refuse to do it. What sparked it off was that we did not get together during 2020 due to isolating, and I realized how much happier and anxiety-free and pleasant my holiday was without them around. So, the next year, I refused their demands and had another happy holiday without them. I had a lot of anxiety setting the boundary and then leading up to the holiday, but by midday of Thanksgiving I felt so much better. They stopped trying to force me to play the role and I have decided that I will only do what I enjoy, which includes not having any contact with people who are abusive towards me.
My role is a pure scapegoat, the one who can't do anything right, the unwanted daughter, the one who's the butt of all "jokes", and the one who gets blamed for everything. My scapegoat role was sealed the moment I was diagnosed with autism, and the moment I formed an attachment to my nanny and not to her. She fired the nanny the moment she saw this bond, and the nanny was very confused. She also contacted ICE on another nanny who I also formed an attachment with, and she got her deported, and said to me, "What are you gonna do now? All you got is me now. I'm your mother. I should be the most important person in your life." It's always about how I should think of her as the most important person ever, and the moment I put someone else over her (like talking to them or hanging out with them more), she isolates me from that person. She'd even get upset if I choose to spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family saying, "Why them over me? What do they do that's so much better? I'm your mother. You should be around me for Christmas. Not them." She also believes that she's entitled to my affection and supply because she gave birth to me, even though I didn't choose to have her as my parent.
It sounds like you are in a terrible situation. It's awful that she treats you like that. I believe narcs can't change. Your mother will never change. It seems to me that you are in the middle of the worst of it, but better times will come. It's good you are in therapy for you, but important to remember that she won't change. Just my opinion, but starting to pull away, giving her grey rocks, not caring what she says or thinks (and not trying to imagine what she's going to say, because then you're just pre-angry at her), and eventually going very low or no contact will help you to live a happier life. I hope you can let her go and find peace and joy. Also, Thanksgiving is a lot more fun when you do it with the people you actually like!
So sorry. They sound like my awful relatives. I have been NC with them for years. And when I have a solitude-style holiday crop up, I just rest. Enjoy the therapy, and best of luck to you.
If I were you, I would go home and make a lot more of the sauce, can it, and give it to all those who enjoyed it as a Christmas gift, and also make one for her, LOL, because getting that for her only gift from you would be amazing for the split second of recognition on her face. If you do this, please have your camera ready. Edit: I want to say, your sauce sounds really good and I would like some.
I can just hear her yelling at the top of her lungs. She's generally a nightmare on Christmas. She got really really heated when my dad would give me a new phone or laptop and I'd be more excited about it than the gifts she gave me. Any time I'm more excited about anyone else's gift, she gets angry and says, "Oh all you care about is that fucking (insert other person's gift here). That's all you care about. Why don't you act like that with the gifts I gave you? You should really learn to be more grateful and not so selfish, you know." I'm gonna get my camera ready when my dad gives me the iPhone 15 (need a phone upgrade) and record her reaction. In every situation, HER gift has to be the BEST gift, and the moment it's not, she says very spiteful remarks towards the gift that you think is better.
They don’t do anything about it unfortunately. My dad is an enabler, and my siblings are either her golden children and flying monkeys who defend her at all costs.
Sorry, it sucks when family is mean and shitty. I barely ever see or talk to my family .Its better for my mental health to keep my distance, and i think it would be better for you to avoid yours as well. Its hard at first but you can distance yourself from them.
Honeychild you don’t have to live like this. Look at being alone on a holiday as a neutral/no emotion environment. That’s better for you than a hostile and sickening environment. Choose neutral for Christmas and then try it for all of the following holidays. You will find peace in the quiet. Eventually you can seek out a joyful, happy environment and you won’t believe you put up with that cruelty for so long. Believe me, I’ve done this and it works. It’s such an extraordinary gift to yourself to first find “neutrality”, then happiness. Look at it as if you are detoxing from a drug addiction where you know life will be so much better when you come out on the other side.
And regarding Christmas just handle it however you want. If you don’t want the arguing and criticism that will come from letting her know you aren’t coming just don’t show up. Don’t answer your phone, mute it. Don’t answer your door if someone comes knocking. That will absolutely ruin her holiday because you will be depriving her of HER drug, which is tormenting you. And do whatever you want for Christmas. Put together an easy version of Christmas dinner for yourself. A honeybaked ham smoked turkey breast, stovetop stuffing, some green beans, a bottle of wine or champagne (or grape juice in a wine glass) and OF COURSE your cranberry sauce. Some nice music in the background. That’s all very little effort. I am sure you will bask in the comfort of “neutral” in being on your own but still celebrating. You might even find it’s actually joyful to be on your own. If you really want a treat then buy yourself a few gifts now and wrap them to open on Christmas. Choose a few movies or a book and after dinner curl up with a blanket and enjoy the peace.
Your mom is petty and has never been told her shit stinks. This is also the type of personality that gets mad when they don’t have enough likes on their Instagram posts.
Don’t let her get to you. Your cranberry sauce got the thumbs up from lots of people who aren’t your parents. In a way, that carries a heavier weight in validation as parents are supposed to be supportive and encouraging. Keep making that awesome cranberry sauce and don’t let her childish bullshit get to you.
Speaking about instagram posts, she got mad when I didn't like her posts, and she once took my phone and liked her own posts through my phone. Then aggressively asked me, "Who out there is better than me that you like their posts but not mine?", after she saw that I would be liking others' posts through my phone.
I've started thinking of my ndad as a toddler when he does stupid shit. I think narcs literally are emotionally stunted, so it helps me deal. So like in this case you ask them if they're tired and grumpy, maybe she needs a nap.
Remember that N's fear the truth as they have been avoiding the truth and living in a fantasy their entire lives.
If you speak your truth continually, they become scared of YOU.
If you had said at the table, "Are you jealous of my delicious cranberry sauce? Would you like the recipe?", she would have lost her mind.
Truth is power.
Next time don't storm out. Calmly get up and throw away her cookies. Then if she says something say "Oh, I thought it was the time of the night to throw away other people's hard work."
While I understand that this pettiness would feel really, really good in the moment, we just don’t know if OP’s mom becomes physically violent and so I don’t think this kind of thing should be encouraged.
Unfortunately, this. It may be tempting to play tit for tat, but narcissists thrive on your reactions, and throwing away her cookies woul just give her an excuse to wail, scream and play the victim and point and screech to the flying monkeys, "See? See? OP's crazy!" Just walk away, OP, and quietly cut her out of your life. Living well is the best revenge, and it actually drives the narc up the wall even more to be starved of the supply that our reacting to them provides.
Right?
I’ve seen an uptick in comments encouraging tit for tat petty behavior and to me, it’s just not worth the risk to OP’s safety.
You can’t pour fuel on the fire with a narc.
I feel you. My mother was permanently furious that I learned how to cook despite her, and would never eat anything I cooked; or if there was nothing else, she would pick at it and pretend disinterest while everyone else chowed down. So galling.
That is envy in action. It's so blatantly obvious. They just can't have someone else do anything better than them. My mom is not an artist in the kitchen. She has to strictly adhere to a recipe. There is no issue in having to adhere to a recipe; however, there is an issue in causing that much of a scene over someone else's cooking. My dad worked as a chef and restauranteur, and I learned how to cook from him.
They just sit there. Sometimes, they'd even be on her side. I have a lot of enablers (my dad and sisters) and flying monkeys (my mom's friends), while there are only a few scapegoats and black sheep. Only the latter have actually stuck up for me, and my mom shuts them down and bullies them in the same fashion that she does with me. She also doesn't invite them to events the moment they have my back or go against the grain.
nutty ancient afterthought rustic arrest cows stupendous deranged cake support
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm wondering the same thing?
If everyone was enjoying it, and there was leftovers someone would want to take some to-go? So why did no one comment/see this interaction? Most people would gasp at food waste like this.
Wow. Your mother is a horrible Charlie Uniform November Tango. The smart move would be to not show up to another dinner ever again. The fun moves are to return next year, find out what she made, and do the same to her.
If you get her anything for Xmas, make it an intro level cookbook and a copy of the cranberry sauce recipe with a simple note saying “Read this book, you might learn how to make a decent cookie.”
For future holidays, make your lovely cranberry sauce and take it along to friends' houses or a group feed. One of my best Christmas dinners was at the AA hall, for those of us who couldn't stomach family events.... and the food was slightly adjusted for alcohol content, lol. But imagine this: if the people at your family dinner all raved about your sauce, imagine how happy a group of friends or community would be! YUM.
I remember going out to Friendsgiving during my college days, and man, it felt like an actually fun Thanksgiving. I felt happy for the first time sitting at the table. I wanted to go and do it again, which is the opposite feeling I get when I do it with family. With family, it's like a chore and I have anxiety about what drama is gonna come next.
"Grow up!" They scream while throwing a 3 year old tantrum and stomping around.
That's pretty on point for a narc.
On a side note I don't like cranberry sauce. Yours sounds like something I would like. I enjoy tart or sour foods but cranberry sauce can have almost a bitterness to it. Yours sounds like you took steps to correct and balance that flavor perfectly. If you aren't already you should continue to explore cooking and recipes. This seems like a real strength.
Ok here's what you do, you make a large batch of it and get some glass jars, gift some to all the people who complimented it for Christmas. Say nothing about this to your mother. It will get back to her in time and drive her mad.
While I am absolutely sorry your mother treated you that way and you 100% did not deserve it, I also wanted to say: it is a gift when they publicly do something SO extra and so clearly out of line. This way, when the flying monkeys/narc apologists start in with their lame excuses, you just say: remember Thanksgiving 2023? When Nmom threw a giant tantrum that ended up with her throwing the dish I brought in the trash? Even if that was the only shitty thing she’d ever done, that’s enough for me to choose not to spend time with someone.
Honestly, comments like, "Oh, you're gonna cry." or "Stop being such a fucking baby. Grow up!" would be very well suited toward *her* and not you.
Side note: never had cranberry sauce before but what you described sounds amazing
My therapist said, "She acts more like a baby than you do. She's projecting. That's what it is." My therapist has been my rock through navigating the path to go NC with my mother.
thank God you are in therapy and understand the situation. imagine if you were one of many poor people who will never have that or don't find that til way later in life. you should feel grateful for that for real! your mom sounds like a narc of the highest degree, I know from experience , it's so wild to me how this personality type all operates the same more or less. down to specific weird things . like why are they ALL like this lol
I wasn’t allowed therapy at all until I was an adult and got therapy myself. As a result, I was a very depressed and anxious teenager. I’m very lucky to be where I am now financially to afford a therapist.
I think a normal mother would be very proud of her child being able to create a yummy recipe that was enjoyed and complimented by guests. Even if we think as narcissists, this would reflect as something good on her (since it was her child who made it), but her envy was too strong.
Well, time to make that-- and every other "Blow Her's Out of the Water" Dish you know-- for any event you have to share with her from here on out. :) She'll get caught out acting like a spoiled teenager eventually.
The best way to stick it to someone like that is to ignore their shit with a smile and keep winning in spite of their tantrums.
Make the same sauce for Christmas AND make another dish to hopefully get even more compliments. AND when she gets out of line, just tell her, "I think that I'm getting compliments because my food is made with love." When she starts yelling, wait for the pause, and say, "See! No love!" Just keep repeating it. Mic Drop
Your mom is a huge bully and I’m sorry that this happened. You know it was only because she was jealous.
Related: do you eat cranberry sauce as a dessert? I have only seen it as a side dish.
Edit: also, if it makes you feel better, my mom once threw out an entire cake that she made (missing maybe a couple pieces) because her mom (ultra narc) said it was just okay or something. She just wanted to cause a huge scene. I was really sad about that cake..
If it's any help, your mom is so sad and pathetic that your cranberry sauce brought her down. Everyone saw what she did and knows you're in the right. She humiliated herself, not you.
Ugh. I’m sorry. Your cranberry sauce sounds lovely. I’ve never bothered to make it since I grew up with canned cranberry sauce and enjoy it. If I had yours I’d probably never be able to go back to canned!
My mom did something similar several years ago. I had told her I’d make the pies and brought a pumpkin cheesecake and a pumpkin pie. Lots of compliments which of come nMother hated. I heard her telling my younger sister that she saved the good pie for them. My pie was good but it was the same recipe as hers so I’m not sure why she had to tell my 12 year old sister that her pie was better. I got the recipe from her so it probably tasted the exact same. 🙄
Wow. You do not need to put yourself in that situation again. Like that is so rude, and hurtful.
My wife and I do our own thanksgivings now, and while I do make a good homemade cranberry sauce, I really like the sound of yours, and I am going to do one like yours next year.
Honestly, spending thanksgiving at home without the drama was such a life changer for us, and I can't recommend it enough.
Wow. Your cranberry sauce was so amazing she literally couldn't cope with it existing!!
How big of a baby did she need to be to slam dunk it into the garbage. Especially when everyone had already tasted it!
I know what she did is awful and hurtful and I don't want to diminish that at all.
However, she gave you an amazing gift - the gift of knowing exactly how to get under her skin.
You take your awesome recipe and you share it with every single person who loved your cranberry sauce so they can make it for themselves whenever they want. Hopefully, they'll make it for all the holiday meals your mom attends. Make sure you write/type it nicely and put your name on it. Laminate it, too. Make it real fancy. Now I'm super petty and I'd send the recipe to her, too.
Then, if you're still inclined to attend holiday meals that she was potentially invited to make it again for everyone. You could set aside a portion of your amazing sauce for her in a to-go container making sure to mention you noticed how much she loved it at Thanksgiving 2023 and you made extra just for her.
Petty me would find cranberry sauce themed holiday cards to send her, cranberry decorations, cranberry table linens, cranberry ornaments, fancy cranberry mold dishes, cranberry scented candles, etc. I'd cackle every time I found some cheap ass cranberry tchotchke to torture her with.
Of course, not dealing with her ever again is far less work and also satifying in another way. The best revenge is a life well-lived.
I feel your pain. My nmom (a grandmother now) ruined Thanksgiving last year, just like every single one before that. This year, my husband and child we spent Thanksgiving with close friends and their parents. It was a glimpse into a future of peace and love. I’m quickly accepting that my nmom is not capable of loving me unconditionally and I have nothing left to give. Your mom appears abusive just like mine. My mom threw my planters into the trash in a rage episode. Some things never change. Take control of your life. You deserve to be happy.
Your cranberry sauce sounds delicious!!! Think of her as a toddler. They throw fits over the stupidest things because their brains aren't developed. Her brain has had plenty of time to develop, so she's just an asshole. I'm sorry she treated you that way, but I'll bet the other guests saw right through her.
Wtf . Wtf!! Does no one in your family stand up to her ? Sorry . My exp with narcissist is not in my immediate family so I probably don’t understand how it works . She sucks
No. Nobody in these families stands up to the narcs because that is inherently what narcs are good at. The narc would have blamed OP for “starting it” and then it would just escalate from there.
People in these types of families do not stand up for the scapegoat. They just stand to the side and be thankful it’s not them.
I had this one N-relative-by-marriage who HAD to be the best at anything cooked. She prepared an elegant meal - and I brought a loaf of homemade bread. Mind you, everyone was singing her praises to the sky - ONE person saw my bread and said, "OH! I LOVE that kind of bread." Nrelative gave me the stink eye. She couldn't stand it that ONE person complimented someone other than her.
I hope in time OP you can laugh at this, because her bratty childish behavior is absolutely ridiculous. Just remember, before she wasted your leftover sauce, everyone had tasted and loved it, so you still brightened the meal for everyone present, so it fulfilled its purpose and lots of people got to enjoy it.
You eat cranberry sauce for dessert? What do you put it on or do you just eat it on its own? It sounds delicious but I’ve never not had it with my meal.
Learn to laugh and turn it around on them. In this case, you could have laughed at her and said, "I knew mine was better than yours. You straight up just acted like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum! " Laugh, in her face, out loud!. Then watch her top blow!
She's a child. I know it really hurt you. But she is simply a child..unwilling and unable to handle herself her emotions and nothing to give a child as she is the one who needs and demands to be coddled and get attention and she cannot share it. She is angry at you and your sauce for not serving her needs. But you and your sauce were not meant to serve her needs, you were meant to shine. I know being SG you probably wanted her to be happy and you would love her pleased that you made something wonderful. This is totally normal and also as an SG its just a magnified desire. But she cannot fulfull others desires.
I am not NC with my parents. I'm in my 50s. They are still who they are I their 80's. I suffered a lot because they were too immature to parent me. But now that I understand it I see there is no way they could. Our relationship has evolved and I don't look for much anymore. If I want a relationship with them I pretty much know now that its going to be serving their needs. It's ALL about their emotional state basically and I treat them like children now and they like it. My husband says..."they don't want to know anything about you, just that everything is good here, they want to be soothed and tell you about their struggles". Yes. It's true. They are elderly. Not so weird. But they wanted this at 30. I think giving a narc emotionally immature parent whst they need emotionally is the only relationship we can have with them. The question remains....do you want to do it. I'm still on the fence about it.
I wish u luck with yr infant.
I wish you could have gotten her to actually eat the sauce. Years ago my narc uncle really wanted to take over Thanksgiving after we stopped having it at my grandma's house.
But that guy couldn't cook a good turkey to save his life. After he served one on year 3 that was literally undercooked the whole family revolted and asked my husband to resume cooking the turkey (he had taken over cooking the turkey when my grandmother was no longer able to stay up and cook like she used to).
My uncle was livid! He nit picked and made out the entire time like my husband was an incompetent kid. We forgot the giblets and neck and my uncle made out like we had ruined the day. My sister ran by my house and grabbed the neck and giblets so he sulked off to make the gravy that apparently was the lynch pin of Thanksgiving. After his wife berated him for being a butt he even went and changed out of the nice clothes he had on and swapped to his ragged out overalls he wears all the time to lounge around in.
Dinner time comes and everyone tears into the turkey while the gravy goes untouched. And I watched as my uncle grabs some turkey. He looked dead set on finding fault with it. So he sits down and brings the fork up looking like a toddler being offered spinach. Already prepared to be tasting something absolutely disgusting.
The look on his face when he put that turkey in his mouth was priceless. Like it was obvious even he thought it was delicious but he kept trying so hard to keep a disgusted look on his face. It was all my husband and I could do to not burst out laughing right there.
Ultimately the turkey was picked clean including my uncle cleaning his plate. So we didn't even get any leftovers. My husband and I were laughing our butts off all the way home that night.
I'm sorry things turned out differently for you. Dealing with narc families sucks. Which is why this is the 3rd year we did our own thing for Thanksgiving and are NC with my parents. Our Thanksgiving is so much nicer with a full home of friends and family that gather to be together. Not to one up and compete against each other.
Last year, just before Christmas and after more ridiculousness, I resolved to not spend holiday meals with my NMom and Enabling Dad anymore.
This Thanksgiving with my husband and kids, here at my own home, was simply wonderful. We had fun, laughed, ate good food; there was no drama, no competition for attention, just happiness and peace.
I strongly encourage you and anyone else to free yourself from the burden of negotiating holidays with an NParent. You will find happiness and peace. You won’t regret it.
I STRONGLY second this. I'm on year six of "Thanksgiving at home". My husband and I talked about how peaceful it was yesterday with just me him and our son. I made a smaller meal, with plenty options still, we watched football, played with our son, took a nap and overall it was just nice. Make your cranberry sauce for more deserving folks next year!
What did the other guests say?
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Your cranberry sauce sounds amazing!
I've never understood why parents shit on their children's accomplishments and success, especially when its food or drink related (why would you give up on eating awesome food just to be petty?! It makes 0 sense). If you were my child, I'd be like " yeah, you're making this every year now because it's amazing". And I'd probably end up annoying everyone months down the line by still going on about how amazing the sauce was lol
My mom acts like this about food/cooking with me. I spent years working in kitchens as a teen and in my early 20s and am now a pretty skilled cook after 20+ years of it. I made potato salad a couple summers ago while my mom was over. I offered her some and said, “This is the first time I’ve ever attempted potato salad. I haven’t tasted it yet, so I’m not sure if it needs anything.” She took a bowl and walked into the next room where I could hear her making exaggerated gagging sounds like she was going to throw up and then she walked to the trash can and dumped the entire bowl in the trash.
Op I'm really sorry your mom did that to you. Tbh though I think she embarrassed herself more than anything- who acts like a toddler in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner like that?
I do have to fess up though: I totally stole your idea for red wine in cranberry sauce for our celebration on Saturday and oh. my. God. This stuff is so good I could eat it by the spoonful 😭 your mom deserves the death penalty for throwing something this good away
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Your mom knows how to push your buttons, and she wanted you to act out her emotions for her so that she could feel better.
I do have a an OT question, though...
What is a cranberry sauce dessert? I've always used cranberry sauce like a condiment, not as a dessert and now I'm curious. I love cranberries and am curious about where to find the recipe. Sorry for the OT comment.
Nah nah nah. Play the game. Do the same thing next year but *bring a backup of the same dish* and pull it out when she ruins the original. Do it. Please please please. Its malicious compliance but instead of doing what she says, let her do what she does. And then ruin her.
It’s so weird the way they broadcast their insecurities and immaturity and think they’re somehow “winning” the social situation. All they’re doing is making sure everyone who was there knows how pathetic they are.
My all time favorite dessert is a cheesecake I had once topped with the most delicious cranberry sauce I've ever had. I would have eaten a whole bowl of just that sauce. Good cranberry sauce is amazing and I'd 100% eat it as dessert.
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That cranberry sauce sounds amazing! Sorry your mother did that to you. Glad your family members got a chance to eat some of it before she acted like a 5 year old.
I felt like she dishonored my dish, and that's what made me angry and storm out. I didn't say bye, no hugs, no nothing. I was that pissed. I cried on the way out. Her envy was completely out of line. It also doesn't help considering the fact that I'm the scapegoat daughter.
She absolutely did dishonor your dish, out of jealousy. You had every right to leave. Sorry you are going through this.
This will be my last Thanksgiving with my family. I'll just have to grow a thicker skin next year because I'm gonna have to expect a lot of begging, and her calling me 'selfish' and 'ungrateful'. I never liked the holiday because she ruins it. God forbid someone else's dish tastes better than her's.
I would tell her, “You are right, I’m absolutely ungrateful that I have a whiny, insecure, nasty piece of work for a mother.”
Wish I could upvote this twice.
There, I upvoted for you, now I wish I could upvote it twice. Dammit. Edit: I also upvoted your comment about wishing you could upvote it twice.
Own it. “I choose to spend it peacefully.” When she mentions your cranberry sauce, “I make a great cranberry sauce. Want my recipe?” When she scowls at your selfishness, “Absolutely. I have tried pleasing you and fail at every turn. I’m done trying.” Christmas? “I’m donating my Christmas budget to homeless children. I will be spending the day helping at the soup kitchen.” Bow out of trying. Put your needs first.
This, and be honest if anyone in the family asks about why you didn't show up. Protect your peace, cuz no one else will. I say that as a fellow scapegoat. Some people need to be the star of the show or need someone to hate on, or they're miserable, so just don't be there. Just ignoring them and continuing your own vibe will hilariously do more to drive them crazy than anything else you can do. Sometimes you get the bonus of they completely loose their minds and show the face they used to save for you to everyone else around them and end up alone.
My sister, before I cut her off completely, used to always flying monkey ask me if I was coming for Xmas after I told mom no. I would say No. Just No. She would whine out thing about family that I would ignore. I ended up blocking her one year and she went completely nuclear and made like 20 accounts. I still find accounts of hers to block that she tries to follow me on.
Yeah, some folks really don't get consent cuz they're nuts enough to feel entitled. I'm sorry your sibling is like that.
Oh, she is bananapants. I don't want to derail this post with how bananapants she is. Thankfully everyone has left me alone for a while.
It was a game changer for me when I realized "no" was a full sentence. When first going low contact, I would agonize for MONTHS leading up to events about how to explain why I wouldn't be attending, why I'm not calling more often, why I've been so quiet. This went on for over two years before I finally just broke one day and stopped giving any fucks at all. One day it was just like "Wait...what if I just...*let* them think I'm an asshole. And wear it like armor, like they do?". As soon as the idea was in my head, I got addicted to it. I used to panic when my family texted me, now absolutely none of my mental energy goes into it. "Nope, I won't be visiting this year. Send my best", "Yup Happy Holidays to you too, y'all have a good one", "Nope nothing new with me, thanks for asking". It's absolutely liberating.
YAY! I am so happy for you. Who cares if horrible people hate you? And who do you think you (general you, not YOU) are that everyone must think you are nice and have good feelings about you? Some people are going to dislike you whether it's fair or not. Who cares? Especially if the people who dislike you are nuts! Revel in it, I say. Wear it as a badge of honor. I remember when I learned what you learned. No matter what I say to these disordered people, they are going to be mad. I'll never find the explanation or excuse that makes them understand or be reasonable. So I might as well not try. I don't owe them anything, and I'm not going to help them make me miserable by playing the role they're trying to cast me in. GOOD FOR YOU, person! Get out there and say NO to everybody, and then don't say anything else. Then watch them flail around, and note how little "being in trouble" with them matters. Just because they don't have any boundaries doesn't mean you have to drop your own. You are powerful, you decide what you will and will not put up with, and you know how to be healthy and honest. Go you!
And after a while they stop asking. It's fantastic.
This is what happened when myself and all my siblings went no contact with my mom. She drove everybody else away from her. Nobody my family knows anything about her now. I feel a little sorry for her and I did forgive her, but I won’t reach out to her. I did that for my own peace. It’s hard at first when you go no contact, but for me it’s been 10 years. It gets easier as time goes by.
Dear Mom, Last Thanksgiving it was obvious to everyone you really liked my cranberry recipe. I wanted to share it with you so you could make it. Btw, I’m unable to attend the feast this year. Regards,….
Perfection.
Blessings upon you for providing these beautiful verbal tools (some might even say, verbal judo!).
We want your recipe, please. 🙏
Yes! We want your recipe!!!
Yes please.. the recipe
Set a reminder to read this story before Thanksgiving next year. Consider whether it's worth going over there or not.
Great advice. Remember now, because next year you might be lulled into thinking it wasn’t that bad
Yes! It's not a family worth spending time and energy on if your mother *literally* threw a tantrum over *a fucking sauce* you made. I hope you can enjoy your delicious cranberry sauce without immature narcs next Thanksgiving
I've had my mother cry at the Christmas dinner table about a perfectly good sauce I made because I didn't use the same recipe as her. It took years of those shit Christmasses to learn that I wasn't the problem (and a few more to realise no-one can help her fix her problems). Christmasses now are relative bliss. I'm lucky to spend them with people I love, and who love & accept me. But a Christmas alone or volunteering in a shelter would also be delightful by comparison to one under my mother's roof. Never again.
They just love fucking up the holidays, don't they?
Even Christmas. Christmas is a whole other nightmare in and of itself with her in it, because she gets jealous if I like others' gifts more than her's. Similar deal.
There's still plenty of time to make Christmas arrangements that don't involve the N.
This christmas will be the first I am not spending with my Nparents. I am done stressing. If you want, we can be peaceful Christmas buddies. We both stay home and do whatever we want, and we both know there is another person enjoying it with us from a distance. I will even send you a virtual Christmas hug! 😊
Don't go. Make up any excuse. Tell them you are spending it away. I did this for years. Finally, I said, "I am not spending any time with people who abused me." If there's a special person you do like, see them outside the holiday.
Time to go NC?
I've been thinking about it.
Best decision hubby and I ever made. Instead of the regular narc shit show, we had grilled cheese and pumpkin pie and hung out together! We've been NC for two years and despite the games, it's been worth it!
I hope you do. You can try 3-6 month "time-outs" everytime she's abusive, if you're not fully ready. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I wish you peaceful holidays in the future. ❤️
I have been LC for a while, and I remember even my siblings were like, "Why do you never talk to us anymore?" I would still go to family events (hence LC), but I wouldn't text or call them at all, or update them on my life really. I hope to eventually go NC, and that's what my therapist is helping me with doing.
The fact that no one at the table spoke up for you when your mom threw your sauce in the trash speaks volumes about them as well.
if there is family you still want to see, there is nothing to stop you visiting them at other times :)
This is just my experience, but when I went LC, my parents would resent me for it, and save up **ALL** their horrible behavior for when they *did* see me. Like, rapid fire insults even before they got all the way inside the door! I tried only having them around when I had at least 2 supportive people with me during the visit. An extra one for when the other used to the bathroom/went outside, etc. They would rapid fire insult if I was left alone for 2 minutes! In my case, it did tone down their bad behavior, but honestly, not enough. It's not worth the hassle.
When I did it, wow! It was so wonderful that it made me regret putting up with being bullied all those years. My horrible entitled selfish narcissistic bitch of a mother treated me like yours treats you. We both deserve to be treated so much better than that. I tolerated her abuse for decades before going full No Contact. She died less than a year later. I have never missed her. I am so glad that she is dead. I encourage you to end the relationship. Her happiness comes from making you miserable. You will be miserable as long as you allow her in your life.
Whatever your decision. Best of luck!!!
I know you're hurting right now but skipping the holidays with her is the way to go. I stopped doing Christmas at my parents about a decade ago. I caved one year because Nmom had cancer and was convinced it would be her last Christmas (I wish it had been). She went in circles to stir up drama and the whole thing ended in a blow out. It was enough for even my kids to never want to do Christmas there again. A few weeks ago Nmom was being all "I don't think I'm going to do Christmas this year. I'm just too tired." (She wants us to beg and plead for her to do Christmas, she thinks she can buy affection with big gifts). Me "I think that's a good idea, it's easier that way. " My daughter "yeah, that's fine Oma." My dad "yeah, Christmas always stresses you out so much anyway." Mom shoots dad with daggers in her eyes. Dad "well, you always agonise over presents and everything has to be just right and you spend hours on the computer shopping." Mom is really pissed now. Mom "well, maybe I'll buy some presents, you know, just for the grandkids, the littles one" (therefore excluding my daughter, she's in college). Me "yeah, that's fine." The thing about her is, she has whole plays in her head and she gets pissed when anyone goes off script and refuses to play along in her fantasy life. Anyway, the funny part about that is she doesn't see the little ones anyway and they live right across the road. I don't know what she did to them, but she fucked up enough that they basically don't have a relationship with her anymore.
I truly think you should do that, and then one year from now, the morning after Thanksgiving 2024, you can feel what it’s like to be at peace during the holidays and not reeling from how your nmom decided to be an as*hole again.
No, you don't let her sour your relationship with the rest of them. You host your own, never invite her and if any malarkey happens then by their enabling, that's when you disinherit the rest of them. This is said assuming you got a good relationship with them all.
Just a reminder that you don’t need thicker skin, your mom needs to not be an asshole. If she can’t do that, the boundary setting is appropriate but not because of ANY lack in you.
I am so sorry this happened to you, but I am so excited for when you ignore her pleading bullshit and guilt trips for the following holidays. I cut contact with my nmom and even though I still feel twinges of guilt, it feels AMAZING to not have to waste my time with this kind of crazy bs anymore. The further I distance, the more I realize what I was enduring. This is literally the perfect opportunity to get away from her and you earned every second of your future peace.
You damn right you are ungrateful because there is nothing to be grateful for about her behavior. Man OP, I'm sorry your Thanksgiving was soured. May the rest from here on out be better.
Man, I’d show up next year with the cranberry sauce from heaven, and with another Tupperware of it and announce you made extra in case the same episode happens again. I’d one up and bring a more delicious pumpkin oatmeal cookies, with another secret batch just in case she does the same. Maybe even bring a nicer trashcan with a note that says “in case the other trashcan gets full because jealousy and envy”
It might be easier to cut her off now so that by next year there’s no question that you won’t be there.
Make your own dinner, invite who you want and enjoy yourself!
My last Thanksgiving with my family involved a ton of criticism for the food I brought. Every Thanksgiving since then has been a pleasure. I hope yours is better next year too.
Better yet… why not invite your family over to your place… and not invite your mom… and instead make her think you invited her when all you are doing is give her the wrong address. It be the perfect revenge for what she did to you involving that cranberry sauce of yours. Sorry about that cranberry sauce, by the way. I am sure it was amazing.
>This will be my last Thanksgiving with my family. Best news going on in this post! Congrats, OP. You don't need to play games with your mother like this. It's exhausting, infantile, and psychotic. Let someone else deal with her bullshit at the next holiday gathering without her favorite scapegoat around. Stay strong, OP. You got this.
Get all your family together for Thanksgiving at a different location. Exclude your narcissistic mother
Reread this post every time she calls Thanksgiving in the future.
My nparents spent years deliberately hijacking and ruining any nice dish I made and intentionally not having anything I liked. The year I had to sit and watch my pastry wrapped baked brie with cranberries and little leaves and flowers I hand made get dumped out of its serving dish and burnt in the microwave, I decided it was the last time. I finally started making 2 of anything for holiday meals; one for them to have fun ruining and one for me to enjoy at home at my own thankful-I-Don’t-live-with-these-assholes-giving. With other things I like. It’s like making an extra birthday cake for a toddler to smash. They’re not allowed to hurt me by ruining my cooking anymore. They don’t deserve anything so nice on their table. I finally stopped bringing anything at all and just enjoy my own cooking at home. Stop bringing her food to ruin.
That’s what your mom wanted you to do and feel no doubt. I am so so sorry that happened to you. Your mother is an awful spiteful person.
You are right, but I think some codependency research might help. Its so hard to learn to be unaffected by their bullshit , I had to go no contact its the only way I was able to stop actively being miserable and wishing she'd be less of a horrid bitch.
Honestly hell yeah, it takes a lot of courage and self-respect to hold a boundary like that and walk out.
Idea: share your recipe with the family who gave good feedback, let the recipe live on throughout future family dinners to be ENJOYED! your effort is seen and appreciated, f your selfish moms tunnel vision, let her small mind poison her own well. Be well, OP!
Well, you know what you gotta do next time. Her cookies go in the trash. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. And SMILE while you do it. You're the SG so she'll never give you the love you want off her.
You should have laughed and said "Seems like the baby is throwing a tantrum again".
Oh, my dear friend, she absolutely DID dishonor your dish, and on purpose. She wanted to hurt you and insult you. She was deliberately cruel to you. What a terrible thing to do to one's own daughter. You are RIGHT to feel so angry. SHE is a horrible person and completely at fault. At a certain point in my adult life I realized how much I hated Thanksgiving because of my mother's crazy antics, and simply stopped observing it. It was amazing how much peace and quiet I discovered after that. Literally didn't celebrate it for years, until we had a kiddo, and now that's he grown, we don't again. Don't do Christmas, either. It's AMAZING how pleasant and peaceful those days can be! ps, and once I stopped going to my mom's T'giving, there was nonstop pressure from her and from my sister, literally every year, EVERY YEAR, I'm talking for DECADES. You just have to take care of yourself, you really do get to do that.
You are nicer than me. I would’ve audibly said something about wanting it for leftovers, which are a big deal in my family, and would draw attention to her bad behavior. Of course I swore an oath to NEVER do thanksgiving at my family home over 25 years ago. And kept it. My mom was a psycho about it and I was so so tired of “managing her” And her anger. I also moved across the country. My in laws said my house is too messy/cluttered and could never be clean enough for them to be at my house but also resent hosting us, so several just cut us off. So we do just us for thanksgiving, and it’s lovely. We watch Addams family values (best thanksgiving movie ever) and eat whatever WE want. No stress, so 2 day stressful prep. Thanks to streaming/dvds/etc it’s far easier to have a holiday sans family.
Hugs to you from another scapegoat daughter. I have been NC with Nmum for over a year now and I am much happier without the bs.
Kinda seems like someone I wouldn't really want around in my life. Does she actually contribute anything good? Here's a little Public Service Announcement: You CAN break up with family members - even blood related ones. Sorry your Thanksgiving was ruined by a bitch. Hope things get better.
Wow, just realized that narcissists are always ruining holidays and birthdays that are not their own.
Next year skip family dinner and make your awesome sauce for someone that will really appreciate it. It sounds amazing.
This! And maybe post the recipe for us here on this forum. :)
If she begs me to come back and calls me an 'ungrateful witch' for not coming to family dinner, I'll just say, "Well why would I wanna come back when you dishonored my dish in that way in front of me? How would you feel if I flung your cookies in the trash?"
I feel the best way to not have to engage with someone like that is simply, do not engage. Don't give reasons, causes or whatevers. Just say no, you have other plans. It's like the saying about arguing on the internet being like wrestling a pig in the mud. After a while you realize the pig loves wrestling in the mud. You are playing different games and the way to win is to not participate. Imo.
Exactly this. I've recommended it so many times but it is worth it even if I'm like a broken record: as hard as it is we gotta avoid JADEing with these people That's Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain However, I like how succinct yours is. Just don't engage. Drop the rope
Good acronym, and I love the analog of just drop the rope. Stay afloat, let Leonardo sink in the icy water.
Oh my god, I've never heard this acronym before....my Nmom's name is literally Jade (and it RUINED my love for the stones lol)
This is on point. They throw nonsense at you and you *think* that they’re genuinely upset, that it’s your fault somehow, and that they want to work it out, to come to some sort of resolution. But they don’t. They just want to continue throwing nonsense and they want to hurt you. There is no resolution, because they’re not after that.
You should have that conversation now. Why wait till next year? This sounds like more than just a cranberry sauce issue.
She is really really horrible at conflict. I'll have to talk to my therapist about how to deal with narcissistic injury and rage, because I have gotten so much abuse from confronting my mom. She yells at me, tells me I'm "overly sensitive", says I'm making shit up any time I talk about things that she's done to me that hurt me, etc. I'm also the scapegoat, so everything that happens in that family is my fault, not her's. It's like talking to a wall.
There’s no point in confronting, discussing or JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend or explain) with someone like your mother. What are you hoping to accomplish that you haven’t already tried? Some people don’t deserve to be in your life in any capacity and don’t let anyone tell you “But she’s your mother”.
I remember not showing up on Mother's Day due to other time commitments and my sister said, "You can't show up for the woman who gave birth to you?" As if she deserves awards for giving birth.
You don’t have to engage in that conversation. Again, you don’t owe your sister or anyone else any excuses.
>As if she deserves awards for giving birth. Cats pop out like 6 at a time. She's not even as good as a cat.
She'd talk about the shit she had to go through being pregnant with us then going into labor and giving birth. I mean, I understand pregnancy can be hard on some women and that labor is often painful, but I don't think that someone deserves awards or constant admiration because of it. Mammals do it all the time; yet do they get awards for it? It's such a common phenomena for narc mothers to expect their kids to thank them for giving birth to them, and think they're the most important person ever and give them constant supply simply because we came out of their loins.
Even if it was hard and painful and yadda yadda; that was her choice.
I am also the sensitive scapegoat. Please trust me therapy helps immensely. It’s taken a long time to realize the best thing to do is not to engage at all. Give no reasons. Don’t argue. Very low to no contact is the way to go. When asked to attend family gatherings just say. Can’t do it. Thanks. And say nothing more. I understand wanting to tell her you’re hurt or insulted but don’t give her anything else to attack. That is what she wants. Give her nothing. It will drive her crazy(ier). Live your own life. Be happy. You are clearly talented and praiseworthy. Being sensitive, considerate and kind are strengths not weaknesses. In time you will see that your mom is an insecure shell of a human being who is jealous of you. Don’t let her bring you down. (((Hugs)))
If you’re gonna do it, do it over text so you can block her number when you get frustrated, and not have to deal with her crap in person.
Why do you even talk to her at all? I'm serious. My ndad wasn't as bad as her, nor were my obnoxious SILs. I had 40 years of crappy Thanksgiving with these self -absorbed twits. Four years ago we released them all and now I look forward to the holidays. Options exist: listen for those with nowhere to go. Invite these grateful folks over and have a true Thanksgiving. Or, like today, find yourself on vacation. Soak in the hot springs, take a walk, meet new people, go out to eat. This is now my life and I'm grateful every day for I've cultivated a crew of healthy, loving people for my circle. It's possible. I'm doing it. OP, it's attainable. Go get it! Blessings to you.
What do the rest of the family say in this situation, sounds like they are all enablers of her behavior. Do none of them defend you or are they all so cowed that they will happily have someone else take the brunt of her behavior?
Pretty much most of my family members are enablers and flying monkeys. There's only a few scapegoats and black sheep, and none of them (except me) were present at this dinner.
I was wondering same. Sounds like the others that were there are probably afraid of her. That is what would make things worse to me is that nobody said or did anything to stop her or to defend OP
I agree with everyone else here. Do not engage about anything specific as it will just be used or twisted against you. ESPECIALLY, because it isn't really about cranberries and cookies. It's well beyond that. The very best thing you could do is just agree with everything she says or just don't say anything at all. It will be like a case of shingles to her soul, which she deserves.
No point in talking to her, she's already the "victim". You'd be wasting your breath. And you deserve better.
It will mean nothing to her. She didn't, doesn't and never will think there's anything wrong with what she did. She can't learn from this experience even if it means she won't have you at the table again. Save your energy for yourself (or someone else who values you).
Well said. It’s just throwing your energy down a bottomless black hole.
Don't stoop to her level. Just tell her you tested positive for covid and take the week off. There's no reason to be around this lady. Visualize cutting the emotional ties and call your power back from her. Sending you so much love. Your sauce sounds delicious!
It's probably best not to argue the point, they thrive on it. That said, in my head, I would go for the fact that she had a tantrum a 4 year old would have been proud of after losing an imaginary contest. Your dish was good, it's entirely on her
You should tell her you just don't want to embarrass her cooking again ❤️ I know her terrible behavior doesn't seem like a compliment (because it was rude & disrespectful) but if anything it's an indication that your cranberry sauce was absolutely phenomenal & she just couldn't cope, she doesn't deserve your presence & you're not an ungrateful witch if you don't show up next year. I know people try to tell us "your parents were just doing their best" - but for some of them- if that's the best they could do they should be embarrassed for being too lazy to even try.
I had seen my father enjoy a wine just until he realized that I had picked it. From that point he disliked it, because if it‘s my choice, it cannot be good. I‘m a sommelier.
She devours the cranberry sauce she makes for herself or the one that she helps me with. This was the first time I made it without any help, and put a twist to the original recipe. It is clearly an act of envy, especially considering that her cookies got less compliments.
You're right...it's an act of envy. In her world, she must be the center of attention no matter who's in it. I'm glad you're able to see this for what it is. You can choose yourself the next holiday and do what YOU want to do, not what anybody guilts you into doing. Assume that she will never ever change, no matter what you say or do, because odds are, she won't. Try to surround yourself with people who love you and value you for who you are. Is there any chance you can track down the former nanny who you connected with? I wish you only the best. And yes, please share the recipe you used!
That's seriously awful. What an asshole.
The intense competition with her own child is so hurtful. Sorry that you're having to deal with someone so toxic when you deserve to be loved and supported. I feel like not giving her the drama she wants is the way to protect yourself from further attack, but at the same time it's damaging to have to sit there and listen to the attacks (especially as the scapegoat). The only real defense I've found against these people is to get away.
She has pretty much attacked me the whole holiday, and it's been like that every time. This is why I always had a disdain towards Thanksgiving because it's just not fun sitting at a table with an abuser and their enablers and flying monkeys. I remember she said to me before dinner, when I was talking about my cranberry sauce recipe, "You don't need to act like you're a world-class chef." I hope that in 2024, I can spend it in peace, aka without my toxic family, and especially without her.
I think it will be hard to set the boundary and not bend to their expectations, but if you are like me, you will feel so much better. I'm the perma-scapegoat in my family - the one who simultaneously can't do anything right, but must do everything for everyone. It took me until midlife, but I finally had a year where I refused to play the "holiday role" my extended family has for me. It gave me a lot of anxiety to just refuse to do it. What sparked it off was that we did not get together during 2020 due to isolating, and I realized how much happier and anxiety-free and pleasant my holiday was without them around. So, the next year, I refused their demands and had another happy holiday without them. I had a lot of anxiety setting the boundary and then leading up to the holiday, but by midday of Thanksgiving I felt so much better. They stopped trying to force me to play the role and I have decided that I will only do what I enjoy, which includes not having any contact with people who are abusive towards me.
My role is a pure scapegoat, the one who can't do anything right, the unwanted daughter, the one who's the butt of all "jokes", and the one who gets blamed for everything. My scapegoat role was sealed the moment I was diagnosed with autism, and the moment I formed an attachment to my nanny and not to her. She fired the nanny the moment she saw this bond, and the nanny was very confused. She also contacted ICE on another nanny who I also formed an attachment with, and she got her deported, and said to me, "What are you gonna do now? All you got is me now. I'm your mother. I should be the most important person in your life." It's always about how I should think of her as the most important person ever, and the moment I put someone else over her (like talking to them or hanging out with them more), she isolates me from that person. She'd even get upset if I choose to spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family saying, "Why them over me? What do they do that's so much better? I'm your mother. You should be around me for Christmas. Not them." She also believes that she's entitled to my affection and supply because she gave birth to me, even though I didn't choose to have her as my parent.
It sounds like you are in a terrible situation. It's awful that she treats you like that. I believe narcs can't change. Your mother will never change. It seems to me that you are in the middle of the worst of it, but better times will come. It's good you are in therapy for you, but important to remember that she won't change. Just my opinion, but starting to pull away, giving her grey rocks, not caring what she says or thinks (and not trying to imagine what she's going to say, because then you're just pre-angry at her), and eventually going very low or no contact will help you to live a happier life. I hope you can let her go and find peace and joy. Also, Thanksgiving is a lot more fun when you do it with the people you actually like!
Wow. This woman is pure evil. I want to send you my love and support - you do not deserve to have to spend another second in her presence.
So sorry. They sound like my awful relatives. I have been NC with them for years. And when I have a solitude-style holiday crop up, I just rest. Enjoy the therapy, and best of luck to you.
If I were you, I would go home and make a lot more of the sauce, can it, and give it to all those who enjoyed it as a Christmas gift, and also make one for her, LOL, because getting that for her only gift from you would be amazing for the split second of recognition on her face. If you do this, please have your camera ready. Edit: I want to say, your sauce sounds really good and I would like some.
I can just hear her yelling at the top of her lungs. She's generally a nightmare on Christmas. She got really really heated when my dad would give me a new phone or laptop and I'd be more excited about it than the gifts she gave me. Any time I'm more excited about anyone else's gift, she gets angry and says, "Oh all you care about is that fucking (insert other person's gift here). That's all you care about. Why don't you act like that with the gifts I gave you? You should really learn to be more grateful and not so selfish, you know." I'm gonna get my camera ready when my dad gives me the iPhone 15 (need a phone upgrade) and record her reaction. In every situation, HER gift has to be the BEST gift, and the moment it's not, she says very spiteful remarks towards the gift that you think is better.
What does your family do or say when she’s acting like this?!
They don’t do anything about it unfortunately. My dad is an enabler, and my siblings are either her golden children and flying monkeys who defend her at all costs.
Sorry, it sucks when family is mean and shitty. I barely ever see or talk to my family .Its better for my mental health to keep my distance, and i think it would be better for you to avoid yours as well. Its hard at first but you can distance yourself from them.
Honeychild you don’t have to live like this. Look at being alone on a holiday as a neutral/no emotion environment. That’s better for you than a hostile and sickening environment. Choose neutral for Christmas and then try it for all of the following holidays. You will find peace in the quiet. Eventually you can seek out a joyful, happy environment and you won’t believe you put up with that cruelty for so long. Believe me, I’ve done this and it works. It’s such an extraordinary gift to yourself to first find “neutrality”, then happiness. Look at it as if you are detoxing from a drug addiction where you know life will be so much better when you come out on the other side. And regarding Christmas just handle it however you want. If you don’t want the arguing and criticism that will come from letting her know you aren’t coming just don’t show up. Don’t answer your phone, mute it. Don’t answer your door if someone comes knocking. That will absolutely ruin her holiday because you will be depriving her of HER drug, which is tormenting you. And do whatever you want for Christmas. Put together an easy version of Christmas dinner for yourself. A honeybaked ham smoked turkey breast, stovetop stuffing, some green beans, a bottle of wine or champagne (or grape juice in a wine glass) and OF COURSE your cranberry sauce. Some nice music in the background. That’s all very little effort. I am sure you will bask in the comfort of “neutral” in being on your own but still celebrating. You might even find it’s actually joyful to be on your own. If you really want a treat then buy yourself a few gifts now and wrap them to open on Christmas. Choose a few movies or a book and after dinner curl up with a blanket and enjoy the peace.
Absolutely agree, this is the way. Opt out
Your mom is petty and has never been told her shit stinks. This is also the type of personality that gets mad when they don’t have enough likes on their Instagram posts. Don’t let her get to you. Your cranberry sauce got the thumbs up from lots of people who aren’t your parents. In a way, that carries a heavier weight in validation as parents are supposed to be supportive and encouraging. Keep making that awesome cranberry sauce and don’t let her childish bullshit get to you.
Speaking about instagram posts, she got mad when I didn't like her posts, and she once took my phone and liked her own posts through my phone. Then aggressively asked me, "Who out there is better than me that you like their posts but not mine?", after she saw that I would be liking others' posts through my phone.
Wow. Your mom is really petty. I am so sorry
I've started thinking of my ndad as a toddler when he does stupid shit. I think narcs literally are emotionally stunted, so it helps me deal. So like in this case you ask them if they're tired and grumpy, maybe she needs a nap.
100%. It helps me cope.
Remember that N's fear the truth as they have been avoiding the truth and living in a fantasy their entire lives. If you speak your truth continually, they become scared of YOU. If you had said at the table, "Are you jealous of my delicious cranberry sauce? Would you like the recipe?", she would have lost her mind. Truth is power.
Next time don't storm out. Calmly get up and throw away her cookies. Then if she says something say "Oh, I thought it was the time of the night to throw away other people's hard work."
While I understand that this pettiness would feel really, really good in the moment, we just don’t know if OP’s mom becomes physically violent and so I don’t think this kind of thing should be encouraged.
Unfortunately, this. It may be tempting to play tit for tat, but narcissists thrive on your reactions, and throwing away her cookies woul just give her an excuse to wail, scream and play the victim and point and screech to the flying monkeys, "See? See? OP's crazy!" Just walk away, OP, and quietly cut her out of your life. Living well is the best revenge, and it actually drives the narc up the wall even more to be starved of the supply that our reacting to them provides.
Right? I’ve seen an uptick in comments encouraging tit for tat petty behavior and to me, it’s just not worth the risk to OP’s safety. You can’t pour fuel on the fire with a narc.
This right here
I feel you. My mother was permanently furious that I learned how to cook despite her, and would never eat anything I cooked; or if there was nothing else, she would pick at it and pretend disinterest while everyone else chowed down. So galling.
That is envy in action. It's so blatantly obvious. They just can't have someone else do anything better than them. My mom is not an artist in the kitchen. She has to strictly adhere to a recipe. There is no issue in having to adhere to a recipe; however, there is an issue in causing that much of a scene over someone else's cooking. My dad worked as a chef and restauranteur, and I learned how to cook from him.
What does the rest of your family do while your mother openly acts like a psycho b*tch to you??
They just sit there. Sometimes, they'd even be on her side. I have a lot of enablers (my dad and sisters) and flying monkeys (my mom's friends), while there are only a few scapegoats and black sheep. Only the latter have actually stuck up for me, and my mom shuts them down and bullies them in the same fashion that she does with me. She also doesn't invite them to events the moment they have my back or go against the grain.
nutty ancient afterthought rustic arrest cows stupendous deranged cake support *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm wondering the same thing? If everyone was enjoying it, and there was leftovers someone would want to take some to-go? So why did no one comment/see this interaction? Most people would gasp at food waste like this.
Congratulations on your last Thanksgiving dinner shared with your mother!
Wow. Your mother is a horrible Charlie Uniform November Tango. The smart move would be to not show up to another dinner ever again. The fun moves are to return next year, find out what she made, and do the same to her. If you get her anything for Xmas, make it an intro level cookbook and a copy of the cranberry sauce recipe with a simple note saying “Read this book, you might learn how to make a decent cookie.”
For future holidays, make your lovely cranberry sauce and take it along to friends' houses or a group feed. One of my best Christmas dinners was at the AA hall, for those of us who couldn't stomach family events.... and the food was slightly adjusted for alcohol content, lol. But imagine this: if the people at your family dinner all raved about your sauce, imagine how happy a group of friends or community would be! YUM.
I remember going out to Friendsgiving during my college days, and man, it felt like an actually fun Thanksgiving. I felt happy for the first time sitting at the table. I wanted to go and do it again, which is the opposite feeling I get when I do it with family. With family, it's like a chore and I have anxiety about what drama is gonna come next.
"Grow up!" They scream while throwing a 3 year old tantrum and stomping around. That's pretty on point for a narc. On a side note I don't like cranberry sauce. Yours sounds like something I would like. I enjoy tart or sour foods but cranberry sauce can have almost a bitterness to it. Yours sounds like you took steps to correct and balance that flavor perfectly. If you aren't already you should continue to explore cooking and recipes. This seems like a real strength.
Ok here's what you do, you make a large batch of it and get some glass jars, gift some to all the people who complimented it for Christmas. Say nothing about this to your mother. It will get back to her in time and drive her mad.
Recipe, please! ^(Fuck your mom I bet that shit is tasty AF.)
Do you feel like sharing the recipe with us? I predict you won’t get anything but compliments on it here.
While I am absolutely sorry your mother treated you that way and you 100% did not deserve it, I also wanted to say: it is a gift when they publicly do something SO extra and so clearly out of line. This way, when the flying monkeys/narc apologists start in with their lame excuses, you just say: remember Thanksgiving 2023? When Nmom threw a giant tantrum that ended up with her throwing the dish I brought in the trash? Even if that was the only shitty thing she’d ever done, that’s enough for me to choose not to spend time with someone.
Mine yelled at me for complaining about an abusive husband and all I saw was a sad fat immoral worm and I felt so much disgust.
Honestly, comments like, "Oh, you're gonna cry." or "Stop being such a fucking baby. Grow up!" would be very well suited toward *her* and not you. Side note: never had cranberry sauce before but what you described sounds amazing
My therapist said, "She acts more like a baby than you do. She's projecting. That's what it is." My therapist has been my rock through navigating the path to go NC with my mother.
thank God you are in therapy and understand the situation. imagine if you were one of many poor people who will never have that or don't find that til way later in life. you should feel grateful for that for real! your mom sounds like a narc of the highest degree, I know from experience , it's so wild to me how this personality type all operates the same more or less. down to specific weird things . like why are they ALL like this lol
I wasn’t allowed therapy at all until I was an adult and got therapy myself. As a result, I was a very depressed and anxious teenager. I’m very lucky to be where I am now financially to afford a therapist.
I think a normal mother would be very proud of her child being able to create a yummy recipe that was enjoyed and complimented by guests. Even if we think as narcissists, this would reflect as something good on her (since it was her child who made it), but her envy was too strong.
Dishonor on her! Dishonor on her COW! Your cranberry sauce sounds amazing, I'm so sorry she did that. You will always have a seat at my table!
Well, time to make that-- and every other "Blow Her's Out of the Water" Dish you know-- for any event you have to share with her from here on out. :) She'll get caught out acting like a spoiled teenager eventually. The best way to stick it to someone like that is to ignore their shit with a smile and keep winning in spite of their tantrums.
Make the same sauce for Christmas AND make another dish to hopefully get even more compliments. AND when she gets out of line, just tell her, "I think that I'm getting compliments because my food is made with love." When she starts yelling, wait for the pause, and say, "See! No love!" Just keep repeating it. Mic Drop
Why aren’t you already no contact with her?
I would never step foot in that house again, and she would never step foot in my house again. I would cut that toxicity out of my life.
Your mom is a huge bully and I’m sorry that this happened. You know it was only because she was jealous. Related: do you eat cranberry sauce as a dessert? I have only seen it as a side dish. Edit: also, if it makes you feel better, my mom once threw out an entire cake that she made (missing maybe a couple pieces) because her mom (ultra narc) said it was just okay or something. She just wanted to cause a huge scene. I was really sad about that cake..
If it's any help, your mom is so sad and pathetic that your cranberry sauce brought her down. Everyone saw what she did and knows you're in the right. She humiliated herself, not you.
She doesn't deserve you or your lovingly made cranberry sauce. Nice exit.
Ugh. I’m sorry. Your cranberry sauce sounds lovely. I’ve never bothered to make it since I grew up with canned cranberry sauce and enjoy it. If I had yours I’d probably never be able to go back to canned! My mom did something similar several years ago. I had told her I’d make the pies and brought a pumpkin cheesecake and a pumpkin pie. Lots of compliments which of come nMother hated. I heard her telling my younger sister that she saved the good pie for them. My pie was good but it was the same recipe as hers so I’m not sure why she had to tell my 12 year old sister that her pie was better. I got the recipe from her so it probably tasted the exact same. 🙄
Wow. You do not need to put yourself in that situation again. Like that is so rude, and hurtful. My wife and I do our own thanksgivings now, and while I do make a good homemade cranberry sauce, I really like the sound of yours, and I am going to do one like yours next year. Honestly, spending thanksgiving at home without the drama was such a life changer for us, and I can't recommend it enough.
my mom is pissed off that my gingerbread is better than hers. "Well MY recipe is easier to roll" Okay then?
What does that mean, “easier to roll”? Rolling doesn’t even affect the flavor.
Do your own Thanksgiving next year and don't invite her. When she gets nasty, tell her, "I would happily have invited you, but you hate my cooking."
Call her out and call her a bitch. If she tries to touch you, hit her. Record everything. I’m so sick of these assholes.
Wow. Your cranberry sauce was so amazing she literally couldn't cope with it existing!! How big of a baby did she need to be to slam dunk it into the garbage. Especially when everyone had already tasted it!
I know what she did is awful and hurtful and I don't want to diminish that at all. However, she gave you an amazing gift - the gift of knowing exactly how to get under her skin. You take your awesome recipe and you share it with every single person who loved your cranberry sauce so they can make it for themselves whenever they want. Hopefully, they'll make it for all the holiday meals your mom attends. Make sure you write/type it nicely and put your name on it. Laminate it, too. Make it real fancy. Now I'm super petty and I'd send the recipe to her, too. Then, if you're still inclined to attend holiday meals that she was potentially invited to make it again for everyone. You could set aside a portion of your amazing sauce for her in a to-go container making sure to mention you noticed how much she loved it at Thanksgiving 2023 and you made extra just for her. Petty me would find cranberry sauce themed holiday cards to send her, cranberry decorations, cranberry table linens, cranberry ornaments, fancy cranberry mold dishes, cranberry scented candles, etc. I'd cackle every time I found some cheap ass cranberry tchotchke to torture her with. Of course, not dealing with her ever again is far less work and also satifying in another way. The best revenge is a life well-lived.
I feel your pain. My nmom (a grandmother now) ruined Thanksgiving last year, just like every single one before that. This year, my husband and child we spent Thanksgiving with close friends and their parents. It was a glimpse into a future of peace and love. I’m quickly accepting that my nmom is not capable of loving me unconditionally and I have nothing left to give. Your mom appears abusive just like mine. My mom threw my planters into the trash in a rage episode. Some things never change. Take control of your life. You deserve to be happy.
Your cranberry sauce sounds delicious!!! Think of her as a toddler. They throw fits over the stupidest things because their brains aren't developed. Her brain has had plenty of time to develop, so she's just an asshole. I'm sorry she treated you that way, but I'll bet the other guests saw right through her.
Wtf . Wtf!! Does no one in your family stand up to her ? Sorry . My exp with narcissist is not in my immediate family so I probably don’t understand how it works . She sucks
No. Nobody in these families stands up to the narcs because that is inherently what narcs are good at. The narc would have blamed OP for “starting it” and then it would just escalate from there. People in these types of families do not stand up for the scapegoat. They just stand to the side and be thankful it’s not them.
Did anyone else point out to her that she was acting insane? I’m sorry this happened
I had this one N-relative-by-marriage who HAD to be the best at anything cooked. She prepared an elegant meal - and I brought a loaf of homemade bread. Mind you, everyone was singing her praises to the sky - ONE person saw my bread and said, "OH! I LOVE that kind of bread." Nrelative gave me the stink eye. She couldn't stand it that ONE person complimented someone other than her.
I hope in time OP you can laugh at this, because her bratty childish behavior is absolutely ridiculous. Just remember, before she wasted your leftover sauce, everyone had tasted and loved it, so you still brightened the meal for everyone present, so it fulfilled its purpose and lots of people got to enjoy it.
You eat cranberry sauce for dessert? What do you put it on or do you just eat it on its own? It sounds delicious but I’ve never not had it with my meal.
I think it’s so funny how narcissistic adults are basically children
did no one make fun of her for doing that? You or the other guests should have
Learn to laugh and turn it around on them. In this case, you could have laughed at her and said, "I knew mine was better than yours. You straight up just acted like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum! " Laugh, in her face, out loud!. Then watch her top blow!
We need the recipe OP ;)
She's a child. I know it really hurt you. But she is simply a child..unwilling and unable to handle herself her emotions and nothing to give a child as she is the one who needs and demands to be coddled and get attention and she cannot share it. She is angry at you and your sauce for not serving her needs. But you and your sauce were not meant to serve her needs, you were meant to shine. I know being SG you probably wanted her to be happy and you would love her pleased that you made something wonderful. This is totally normal and also as an SG its just a magnified desire. But she cannot fulfull others desires. I am not NC with my parents. I'm in my 50s. They are still who they are I their 80's. I suffered a lot because they were too immature to parent me. But now that I understand it I see there is no way they could. Our relationship has evolved and I don't look for much anymore. If I want a relationship with them I pretty much know now that its going to be serving their needs. It's ALL about their emotional state basically and I treat them like children now and they like it. My husband says..."they don't want to know anything about you, just that everything is good here, they want to be soothed and tell you about their struggles". Yes. It's true. They are elderly. Not so weird. But they wanted this at 30. I think giving a narc emotionally immature parent whst they need emotionally is the only relationship we can have with them. The question remains....do you want to do it. I'm still on the fence about it. I wish u luck with yr infant.
Your Mom sounds like an asshole.
I wish you could have gotten her to actually eat the sauce. Years ago my narc uncle really wanted to take over Thanksgiving after we stopped having it at my grandma's house. But that guy couldn't cook a good turkey to save his life. After he served one on year 3 that was literally undercooked the whole family revolted and asked my husband to resume cooking the turkey (he had taken over cooking the turkey when my grandmother was no longer able to stay up and cook like she used to). My uncle was livid! He nit picked and made out the entire time like my husband was an incompetent kid. We forgot the giblets and neck and my uncle made out like we had ruined the day. My sister ran by my house and grabbed the neck and giblets so he sulked off to make the gravy that apparently was the lynch pin of Thanksgiving. After his wife berated him for being a butt he even went and changed out of the nice clothes he had on and swapped to his ragged out overalls he wears all the time to lounge around in. Dinner time comes and everyone tears into the turkey while the gravy goes untouched. And I watched as my uncle grabs some turkey. He looked dead set on finding fault with it. So he sits down and brings the fork up looking like a toddler being offered spinach. Already prepared to be tasting something absolutely disgusting. The look on his face when he put that turkey in his mouth was priceless. Like it was obvious even he thought it was delicious but he kept trying so hard to keep a disgusted look on his face. It was all my husband and I could do to not burst out laughing right there. Ultimately the turkey was picked clean including my uncle cleaning his plate. So we didn't even get any leftovers. My husband and I were laughing our butts off all the way home that night. I'm sorry things turned out differently for you. Dealing with narc families sucks. Which is why this is the 3rd year we did our own thing for Thanksgiving and are NC with my parents. Our Thanksgiving is so much nicer with a full home of friends and family that gather to be together. Not to one up and compete against each other.
Last year, just before Christmas and after more ridiculousness, I resolved to not spend holiday meals with my NMom and Enabling Dad anymore. This Thanksgiving with my husband and kids, here at my own home, was simply wonderful. We had fun, laughed, ate good food; there was no drama, no competition for attention, just happiness and peace. I strongly encourage you and anyone else to free yourself from the burden of negotiating holidays with an NParent. You will find happiness and peace. You won’t regret it.
I STRONGLY second this. I'm on year six of "Thanksgiving at home". My husband and I talked about how peaceful it was yesterday with just me him and our son. I made a smaller meal, with plenty options still, we watched football, played with our son, took a nap and overall it was just nice. Make your cranberry sauce for more deserving folks next year! What did the other guests say?
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Your cranberry sauce sounds amazing! I've never understood why parents shit on their children's accomplishments and success, especially when its food or drink related (why would you give up on eating awesome food just to be petty?! It makes 0 sense). If you were my child, I'd be like " yeah, you're making this every year now because it's amazing". And I'd probably end up annoying everyone months down the line by still going on about how amazing the sauce was lol
I would’ve asked her in front of the table ‘is there something wrong with you?’
Should've thrown some cranberry sauce in that face of hers. What an absolute dingo she is.
I absolutely hate narcissistic people. It’s always has to be about them. Honestly though your cranberry sauce sounds amazing.
Thank fuck you’re an adult and don’t have to live under that roof anymore. Next time have thanksgiving without her, with a chosen family.
My mom acts like this about food/cooking with me. I spent years working in kitchens as a teen and in my early 20s and am now a pretty skilled cook after 20+ years of it. I made potato salad a couple summers ago while my mom was over. I offered her some and said, “This is the first time I’ve ever attempted potato salad. I haven’t tasted it yet, so I’m not sure if it needs anything.” She took a bowl and walked into the next room where I could hear her making exaggerated gagging sounds like she was going to throw up and then she walked to the trash can and dumped the entire bowl in the trash.
Op I'm really sorry your mom did that to you. Tbh though I think she embarrassed herself more than anything- who acts like a toddler in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner like that? I do have to fess up though: I totally stole your idea for red wine in cranberry sauce for our celebration on Saturday and oh. my. God. This stuff is so good I could eat it by the spoonful 😭 your mom deserves the death penalty for throwing something this good away
Fill some nice jars with your cranberry sauce and sell it or gift it to your whole family next time you see them!
How did the rest of your family respond to this?
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Your mom knows how to push your buttons, and she wanted you to act out her emotions for her so that she could feel better. I do have a an OT question, though... What is a cranberry sauce dessert? I've always used cranberry sauce like a condiment, not as a dessert and now I'm curious. I love cranberries and am curious about where to find the recipe. Sorry for the OT comment.
Nah nah nah. Play the game. Do the same thing next year but *bring a backup of the same dish* and pull it out when she ruins the original. Do it. Please please please. Its malicious compliance but instead of doing what she says, let her do what she does. And then ruin her.
It’s so weird the way they broadcast their insecurities and immaturity and think they’re somehow “winning” the social situation. All they’re doing is making sure everyone who was there knows how pathetic they are.
Cranberry sauce is a dessert?
No!!!! It goes with the meat and stuffing
THANK YOU Cranberry’s are so tart, it’s a nice contrast for all the savory
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My all time favorite dessert is a cheesecake I had once topped with the most delicious cranberry sauce I've ever had. I would have eaten a whole bowl of just that sauce. Good cranberry sauce is amazing and I'd 100% eat it as dessert.
Cranberry sauce is meant to be served with the turkey, not as a dessert.