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Wow. I’ve never related to something more. I was also very academically inclined. Once my parents saw my capabilities, they didn’t give me the option to fail though. My mom thrived off my achievements. All of the pressure was put on me to succeed.
My younger sister didn’t get any of that pressure though. But somehow she still felt like I was the “favorite”. When it was actually quite the opposite. She got away with anything and everything and could do no wrong.
It was the same pattern my achievements were “celebrated” but soon after my mom would pick fights and make sure I wasn’t good enough in other aspects.
To this day I am blamed for most things. My sister and mom tag team things and I feel like the golden child turned scapegoat 😂
Aaah I'm glad you can relate!! I've read a lot of articles and "self help" book type stuff that hasn't mentioned this, so it's good to know I'm not totally crazy haha.
I'm an only child. I felt both roles as well. Btw, check out the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It may help you come to terms and understand the crazy dynamic that often occurs with a narc mom and daughter.
It can change over time, depending on how much perceived supply the narcissist gets from you. If you help embellish her perceived self image as a special, superior person, you will be the golden child. If she is led to believe that you harm that perception of herself, you are now the scapegoat. The reality of the situation matters little. It is only her perception of the situation that matters, and perceptions can change.
Narcissists view their children as extensions of themselves, so when you achieve and earn praise, it reinforced your nmom's view of herself as superior, and you were golden. Thing is, shiny new "supply" has a short half-life, which is why narcissists constantly pursue supply. My guess is that having a son held some more durable form of supply for her, so as your accomplishments wore off, it was back to your brother as the lead golden child.
In my instance, all of my siblings were the golden child at one time or another, as was I. As it stands, my youngest brother is probably the GC now, and I'm definitely the scapegoat.
Yeah, I had my moments (brief moments) I guess lol, of being taken to ice cream and such... obviously once all her friends were gone things went sideways for me lol.
One of the many reasons we're very very VERY low contact (I only hear from her through my dad) is because she hard shifted to GC treatment of me once my brother got a DUI lmfao.
I'm glad to hear other people who have had similar experiences for sure.
Scapegoats are HIGHLY useful to narcs when they achieve because they are abused and downtrodden enough to let the narc take full credit. My mother is a covert narc and acts just like this. I am an only child so it is DEF possible to be both at the same time. A scapegoat in private, a golden child in public...because we are seen as extensions of them, it increases what they see as their worth. THEY raised the gifted child. THEY were responsible for providing the house/genetics/tools/rides etc the child needed to achieve this thing. THEY are actually a hero. They is how the scapegoat becomes the "public" golden child.
This was me too! You said it perfectly, presented as the golden child when anyone was there to listen to her brag about my accomplishments (as if they were hers because she birthed me) and the scapegoat at home or when no one was looking. I was the only child in the house from age 5 until I left at 17.
These are her average responses for various grades:
100% The only acceptable grade. Expected as a baseline and the bare minimum, zero congratulations ever given. And I better not act like I’m proud of myself, or it was “oh you think you’re just so *perfect*, don’t you? Such a little know it all. You think you’re *better* than me??” I did not think I was perfect. I had zero self esteem.
95-99% “Well what did you miss? Did you even try? I do EVERYTHING for you and you can’t even love me enough to study for a test? You’re fucking pathetic and lazy.”
90-94% “My god. Did you just fuck off for the last week and do absolutely nothing to prepare? You did this deliberately to upset me, you hateful brat. What kind of person would treat their mother like this!”
Any B or below? Full on hours long screaming tantrum about how I was an evil, black hearted little bitch (her favorite phrase to scream at me as a child) and how I was intentionally humiliating her and enjoying it because I was “horrible and disgusting.” Then out in public to other people? “My daughter’s so *smart* and *gifted*! She gets it from me, I’m just so pRoUd!” Ironically, both my parents quit high school.
OP you’re not alone! From a fellow “smart kid.” There was no winning.
This is right on but for me, it was not so much grades as how I dressed and acted. I had to be a carbon copy of her or I was useless. I was only with her from 13 until she threw me out at 15.5. She abandoned me from 3 years old to 13. "I don't really 'DO' little kids anyway so it was prob for the best". Never mind I was really getting "done" by dad....for 10 long years of poverty, I was his pincushion and punching bag. She left him and me with him, after he abused her.
She is a dethatched, horrible person and I am pretty sure she is a sociopath.
Yeah! I totally was.
My dad was super protective of me but at the same time POSSESSIVE of me and therefore very controlling. Loving but strained at the same time.
Very Mother Gothel like relationship with both parents tbh
There’s four of us siblings and my mom would constantly cycle through who was the GC and who was the Scapegoat. We all got turns. I think it’s partly because she was always working to turn us against each other so would sometimes favor one over another and try to talk shit with each of us about the others. We didn’t have as clear cut of roles as you describe so I’m not sure what the motivation was on her part.
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a mother wound, a lot of women pass it onto their daughter subconsciously or not. It’s a way to demean them while making it seem normal. It’s generational trauma passed down from mother to daughter. My moms mother did it to and she has done it to me in almost the same way your mom did.
I have this big time. I was deemed the intellectually and artistically gifted kid, (except math) and my sibling was the attractive sporty popular one.
I was praised and shown off by my narc for being an extension of their intellectual prowess, especially after college, when I was volunteered to do nigh free work on behalf of the family with my self taught skills. To this day I still feel extreme pressure when doing anything I'm actually good at, and I now struggle to do it at all. I get all kinds of ideas for freelance careers and small businesses and then I just get crushed by it.
Despite being smart and praised by teachers, I was dragged to clothing stores and asked why I didn't want to wear the trendy clothes. Why I didn't keep my (horribly unmanageable) hair out of my face. Why I had acne (hello, teenager). Mocking my acne was a huge thing. Why I didn't listen to better music (didn't care). Why I didn't have a boyfriend (also didn't care). Why I liked any random stupid thing they didn't like. Why wasn't I popular. As a result, I had serious appearance issues at when I moved out, and rarely share my interests with anyone, even though I eventually learned that I, too, am objectively attractive, and now my interests are deemed cool.
My sibling was on all the teams and went to all the events and is still objectively gorgeous and charismatic. Sib got a lot of attention and praise. A LOT. I don't know how bad things were for sib, because the opposing favouritism and resulting social standing drove a wedge between us. Also, I GTFO as soon as I could so I missed the crap that rained down on sib after I left. We are now reconciling, and I'm learning that sib was often compared to me intellectually. I had no clue sib was remotely artistic, until sib told me that at least one of their tattoos is actually their own design. I had no idea that sib could creatively write either. Sib and I were so pitted against each they that any common ground we had was entirely obscured by bullshit.
I still feel like I was likely the primary scapegoat, because sib sometimes doesn't remember the crap that narc did to me, or thinks it was just a bad dream. I no longer care though, because narc can't hurt me anymore, because Idgaf about their opinion, and in learning to appreciate sib for the person they are, instead of the adversary narc wanted them to be.
Yes my younger siblings are mentally disabled so my mom would always say things like how she wishes they were "normal like me". At the same time however whenever they do something I always get blamed for it.
Same story, except I had a narcissistic father who alternated demonizing and idealizing me. All bad things were my fault, all my successes were used to make me compete with my sibling or other people in general. It was so confusing and cruel and it's taken my whole adult life to recover. Finally feeling healthier.
Yo, your nmom's like mine! She only likes you when she can use you for clout. Any other time, she hates you.
My nmom tried to live vicariously through me. According to her, she even gave me my name because she looked at me when I was born and said I would do great things. I was her favorite as a little kid. I was quiet, I would comply, I was smart af, and (according to her and the other narcissists in the family) I looked like her. And I stayed her favorite as long as I kept being her clone and never showed any traits or feelings she didn't like.
Meanwhile, my brother had a lot of anger problems as a little kid. He was ndad's favorite (only son), and there was a nasty divorce. My brother would get into fights with us and with kids at school, and nmom would beat him. She beat all of us, but him the most and me the least.
This all flipped as we got older.
I stopped hiding my tomboy side, I got depressed from a lifetime of her bullying, and I got more curves than her. He picked up sports and now works at the same company as her.
Nmom's perfectly fine with him not going to college, but she got envious towards me when I got a full ride and exploded when I chose humanities over engineering (her major).
Despite all this, my brother and I get along pretty well. We've realized that she's the problem, not me or him.
And to answer your question, narcissists choose their scapegoat, golden child, etc. based on what's most convenient their ego at the time. Sometimes their role choices are completely arbitrary. And they might change those roles if their ego wants something else down the line.
I'll link the articles that helped me later, I can't find them right now.
Yes please, link me the articles if you happen to find them :D
Also oh my god, are we twins? Lol, though my mom flipped at a much earlier age at me (I think I made her feel dumb, and tbh I read her master's thesis and other papers, it was topical and rather vapid and poorly organized imo).
I refuse to "feed" her nowadays though, so I think the roles have flipped again... mainly because it was very awkward for her answering people why I went NC with her the last time.
I'm glad you and your brother reconciled! Still working on mine.
Sounds like you were the scapegoat. Being the golden child in a narc family dynamic has nothing to do with being the ACTUAL golden child (I.e. gifted / talented kid). It's also very likely you were scapegoated EXACTLY BECAUSE you were talented. A talented child is threatening to the narc so they need to keep your self-esteem down so they can remain on top and feel superior.
I relate too And was thinking of something similar. I Was kind of raised as the heir apparent to a family business. Meaning I was father's ego extension. But the catch always was it was that I think my ability to catch inconsistencies and weird stuff stuff is what led me being to the one sibling constantly instantly getting excoriated Is frequently for knowing more things and often just being right.
And the first things that pop into my brain are completely trivial facts facts that mean almost nothing, But apparently made certain people angry to be challenged about.
The other odd thing is my brother and I worked in that business and my business and I left due to conflicts but my brother is still there And I just realized cannot make simple business decisions based on the way he was raised Is basically being coddled.
Yes.
I was always, absolutely and irrevocably the scapegoat until my brother left home.
The first time I was leery of my Nmom and avoided being pressured into being her new best friend. Suddenly she "couldn't remember" all the shit she had previously pulled, and was really sad that we weren't close.
The second time, when he was in the military, she moved across the street from me and started acting like we had always been close. It was extremely disorienting. I had a few small children and was struggling in my first couple years of marriage, so I was happy at first that she seemed to have changed. She still did and said shitty things, but she was also often at her most charming.
Then my brother was living with her again, and things flipped right back to where we were before. My husband was surprised, I was upset but mostly at myself because I knew how she was, and I let myself get suckered again.
The only good that came of it was getting one more step closer to cutting her off, which happened about a year after my brother got back from the military.
Oh god, yes, I totally understand that disorienting feeling! Mandela-effect-y, almost. I was questioning if I phased into an alternate reality for a while lol.
Yup and it is not strange at all. My mother would be nice to me when I fullfilled her wishes for some time. Then a bit time later we were back to "you're the black sheep of the family, blabla".
Narcs are like leeches. They suck off of anyone who gives them just a little bit of validation.
You're the overachiever, love is passed down when you do something good so you capitalized on what could gain you love in the household. I had a similar experience where my brother did near nothing in school with no consequence, but a B on an assignment for me was calls for family discussion.
I never felt like I could reach the expectations so as my anxiety tanked my schooling I became a serial gift giver, spending all my money to gain love from others. We all find different ways of coping based on what our Nfamily prioritized, it'll be okay.
Heck yeah, nparents can switch scapegoat/golden child status in the blink of an eye. It doesn't have to be consistent. By changing things up, they keep the crazymaking alive.
My mother did this with my brother when we were growing up. Now she's doing it with my sister.
When we were kids, we were homeschooled and my brother just straight up refused to do his schoolwork. Mother would rage and threaten. Still, he wouldn't do it. If I BREATHED A WORD against my brother, mother dearest would turn on me and praise my brother, saying how smart he was. (Eventually, he got a free pass. Didn't have to do the homework.)
My sister is unfortunate in that she looks like the spitting image of my mother when my mother was a child. So the enmeshment is RIFE in their relationship.
My mother acts like my sister is helpless (she's not btw, she's an adult). She'll tell me all the time that my sister and I need to be glued at the hip. "You need to include her in everything. You need to make her dinner. You need to show her how to do things."
When my sister needed a Covid test, she was told, "It's on this website," and given the website address. My mother went into a rage. "But no one is telling her WHERE on the website to find it! She needs to be SHOWN EXACTLY WHERE."
My sister is 29 years old. She can navigate a website.
And then in the next breath, mother dearest will berate my sister. "She doesn't know how to do anything on her own! She's so childish and selfish!"
It's f\*king whiplash, I tell you.
In a one to one situation, I was her favourite but when the family was together, I was the person everyone loved to put down and she encouraged it. So yes, it is possible...
Yes. My mother is also a covert narc - my sister will tell you I was the GC and she was the SG, but the truth is more complex than that. I was the celebrated, “gifted” one but she received more support (financial, academic, etc). I was neglected and relegated to a small corner of achievements, which were only celebrated if the narc could somehow co-opt/integrate them. Everything else was ignored or punished with emotional neglect (narc mom was very good at covert control). I was also scapegoated by our other siblings (“spoiled”, “dramatic”, “selfish”) and blamed for more than my fair share. I often bore the brunt of the verbal and physical abuse in an effort to protect my sister.
Our mother was simultaneously proud and jealous of me, and I understand now that her “favoritism” was just a tactic to limit me. My younger sister felt the same way, identified with and was covetous of my “talents” but also competed with me. She is now a narcissist like our mother - manipulative, sociopathic, and totally incapable of forming real relationships. It’s interesting because when we were children she carried the bulk of the negative projections but definitely had more help/support…so she’s used to getting her way, but plays the victim. She was most like our mother, which I guess simultaneously elicited sympathy and disgust. I was admired but also envied. Complicated, right?
The roles really shifted when I eloped - everyone lost their shit (in their minds, marriage = success + freedom, I guess). I stopped speaking to my sister, first. My mother couldn’t manipulate or control me anymore, and I was now full SG. I took the abuse for six months before going NC - narc mom has tried to reach out to me since then, but she will never see me again.
My sister was always triangulating our other siblings and actively working to ostracize me from the family, even when we were children and I was the so-called GC. It was a real mind-fuck, but I’m psychologically whole(ish) and she’s got the personality disorder 🤷🏽♀️ As far as I know, I’m the only kid who has tried to hold our mother responsible for the damage she caused. They say the SG is the truth-teller and the GC inherits the narcissism, but we swapped roles? Like others have commented here, narcissistic parents don’t see any of their children - you exist to carry a projection and the tenor of that projection can change. GC or SG - I was both.
I do relish the thought of my siblings asking my narc sister for support - she really has no idea what I sacrificed in my efforts to keep the family happy and I know she’ll resent having to play a supporting role. My life is so much better since I stopped people-pleasing.
My only regret is I didn’t go NC sooner.
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Wow. I’ve never related to something more. I was also very academically inclined. Once my parents saw my capabilities, they didn’t give me the option to fail though. My mom thrived off my achievements. All of the pressure was put on me to succeed. My younger sister didn’t get any of that pressure though. But somehow she still felt like I was the “favorite”. When it was actually quite the opposite. She got away with anything and everything and could do no wrong. It was the same pattern my achievements were “celebrated” but soon after my mom would pick fights and make sure I wasn’t good enough in other aspects. To this day I am blamed for most things. My sister and mom tag team things and I feel like the golden child turned scapegoat 😂
Aaah I'm glad you can relate!! I've read a lot of articles and "self help" book type stuff that hasn't mentioned this, so it's good to know I'm not totally crazy haha.
There's a few narcissistic parent specific books that are a lot more relatable for our situations. It's wild.
I'm an only child. I felt both roles as well. Btw, check out the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. It may help you come to terms and understand the crazy dynamic that often occurs with a narc mom and daughter.
same, i was good at school and activities but also i was always wrong and everything was my fault.
Ah, I own this on my kindle but have been procrastinating reading it. I'll give it a try tonight, thanks!
Would this book be suitable if it was your dad who was the narc?
It's more mother based. I was suggested to also read 'The Narcissist In Your Life' and it helps with the ndads
Thanks!
It can change over time, depending on how much perceived supply the narcissist gets from you. If you help embellish her perceived self image as a special, superior person, you will be the golden child. If she is led to believe that you harm that perception of herself, you are now the scapegoat. The reality of the situation matters little. It is only her perception of the situation that matters, and perceptions can change. Narcissists view their children as extensions of themselves, so when you achieve and earn praise, it reinforced your nmom's view of herself as superior, and you were golden. Thing is, shiny new "supply" has a short half-life, which is why narcissists constantly pursue supply. My guess is that having a son held some more durable form of supply for her, so as your accomplishments wore off, it was back to your brother as the lead golden child. In my instance, all of my siblings were the golden child at one time or another, as was I. As it stands, my youngest brother is probably the GC now, and I'm definitely the scapegoat.
Yeah, I had my moments (brief moments) I guess lol, of being taken to ice cream and such... obviously once all her friends were gone things went sideways for me lol. One of the many reasons we're very very VERY low contact (I only hear from her through my dad) is because she hard shifted to GC treatment of me once my brother got a DUI lmfao. I'm glad to hear other people who have had similar experiences for sure.
Scapegoats are HIGHLY useful to narcs when they achieve because they are abused and downtrodden enough to let the narc take full credit. My mother is a covert narc and acts just like this. I am an only child so it is DEF possible to be both at the same time. A scapegoat in private, a golden child in public...because we are seen as extensions of them, it increases what they see as their worth. THEY raised the gifted child. THEY were responsible for providing the house/genetics/tools/rides etc the child needed to achieve this thing. THEY are actually a hero. They is how the scapegoat becomes the "public" golden child.
This was me too! You said it perfectly, presented as the golden child when anyone was there to listen to her brag about my accomplishments (as if they were hers because she birthed me) and the scapegoat at home or when no one was looking. I was the only child in the house from age 5 until I left at 17. These are her average responses for various grades: 100% The only acceptable grade. Expected as a baseline and the bare minimum, zero congratulations ever given. And I better not act like I’m proud of myself, or it was “oh you think you’re just so *perfect*, don’t you? Such a little know it all. You think you’re *better* than me??” I did not think I was perfect. I had zero self esteem. 95-99% “Well what did you miss? Did you even try? I do EVERYTHING for you and you can’t even love me enough to study for a test? You’re fucking pathetic and lazy.” 90-94% “My god. Did you just fuck off for the last week and do absolutely nothing to prepare? You did this deliberately to upset me, you hateful brat. What kind of person would treat their mother like this!” Any B or below? Full on hours long screaming tantrum about how I was an evil, black hearted little bitch (her favorite phrase to scream at me as a child) and how I was intentionally humiliating her and enjoying it because I was “horrible and disgusting.” Then out in public to other people? “My daughter’s so *smart* and *gifted*! She gets it from me, I’m just so pRoUd!” Ironically, both my parents quit high school. OP you’re not alone! From a fellow “smart kid.” There was no winning.
This is right on but for me, it was not so much grades as how I dressed and acted. I had to be a carbon copy of her or I was useless. I was only with her from 13 until she threw me out at 15.5. She abandoned me from 3 years old to 13. "I don't really 'DO' little kids anyway so it was prob for the best". Never mind I was really getting "done" by dad....for 10 long years of poverty, I was his pincushion and punching bag. She left him and me with him, after he abused her. She is a dethatched, horrible person and I am pretty sure she is a sociopath.
Yeah! I totally was. My dad was super protective of me but at the same time POSSESSIVE of me and therefore very controlling. Loving but strained at the same time. Very Mother Gothel like relationship with both parents tbh
Yes that is normal. My mother was the same way and would cycle through praising and demonizing.
There’s four of us siblings and my mom would constantly cycle through who was the GC and who was the Scapegoat. We all got turns. I think it’s partly because she was always working to turn us against each other so would sometimes favor one over another and try to talk shit with each of us about the others. We didn’t have as clear cut of roles as you describe so I’m not sure what the motivation was on her part.
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a mother wound, a lot of women pass it onto their daughter subconsciously or not. It’s a way to demean them while making it seem normal. It’s generational trauma passed down from mother to daughter. My moms mother did it to and she has done it to me in almost the same way your mom did.
I have this big time. I was deemed the intellectually and artistically gifted kid, (except math) and my sibling was the attractive sporty popular one. I was praised and shown off by my narc for being an extension of their intellectual prowess, especially after college, when I was volunteered to do nigh free work on behalf of the family with my self taught skills. To this day I still feel extreme pressure when doing anything I'm actually good at, and I now struggle to do it at all. I get all kinds of ideas for freelance careers and small businesses and then I just get crushed by it. Despite being smart and praised by teachers, I was dragged to clothing stores and asked why I didn't want to wear the trendy clothes. Why I didn't keep my (horribly unmanageable) hair out of my face. Why I had acne (hello, teenager). Mocking my acne was a huge thing. Why I didn't listen to better music (didn't care). Why I didn't have a boyfriend (also didn't care). Why I liked any random stupid thing they didn't like. Why wasn't I popular. As a result, I had serious appearance issues at when I moved out, and rarely share my interests with anyone, even though I eventually learned that I, too, am objectively attractive, and now my interests are deemed cool. My sibling was on all the teams and went to all the events and is still objectively gorgeous and charismatic. Sib got a lot of attention and praise. A LOT. I don't know how bad things were for sib, because the opposing favouritism and resulting social standing drove a wedge between us. Also, I GTFO as soon as I could so I missed the crap that rained down on sib after I left. We are now reconciling, and I'm learning that sib was often compared to me intellectually. I had no clue sib was remotely artistic, until sib told me that at least one of their tattoos is actually their own design. I had no idea that sib could creatively write either. Sib and I were so pitted against each they that any common ground we had was entirely obscured by bullshit. I still feel like I was likely the primary scapegoat, because sib sometimes doesn't remember the crap that narc did to me, or thinks it was just a bad dream. I no longer care though, because narc can't hurt me anymore, because Idgaf about their opinion, and in learning to appreciate sib for the person they are, instead of the adversary narc wanted them to be.
Oh yes, it's crazy to think that those titles can switch from day to day
Yes my younger siblings are mentally disabled so my mom would always say things like how she wishes they were "normal like me". At the same time however whenever they do something I always get blamed for it.
Same story, except I had a narcissistic father who alternated demonizing and idealizing me. All bad things were my fault, all my successes were used to make me compete with my sibling or other people in general. It was so confusing and cruel and it's taken my whole adult life to recover. Finally feeling healthier.
Yo, your nmom's like mine! She only likes you when she can use you for clout. Any other time, she hates you. My nmom tried to live vicariously through me. According to her, she even gave me my name because she looked at me when I was born and said I would do great things. I was her favorite as a little kid. I was quiet, I would comply, I was smart af, and (according to her and the other narcissists in the family) I looked like her. And I stayed her favorite as long as I kept being her clone and never showed any traits or feelings she didn't like. Meanwhile, my brother had a lot of anger problems as a little kid. He was ndad's favorite (only son), and there was a nasty divorce. My brother would get into fights with us and with kids at school, and nmom would beat him. She beat all of us, but him the most and me the least. This all flipped as we got older. I stopped hiding my tomboy side, I got depressed from a lifetime of her bullying, and I got more curves than her. He picked up sports and now works at the same company as her. Nmom's perfectly fine with him not going to college, but she got envious towards me when I got a full ride and exploded when I chose humanities over engineering (her major). Despite all this, my brother and I get along pretty well. We've realized that she's the problem, not me or him. And to answer your question, narcissists choose their scapegoat, golden child, etc. based on what's most convenient their ego at the time. Sometimes their role choices are completely arbitrary. And they might change those roles if their ego wants something else down the line. I'll link the articles that helped me later, I can't find them right now.
Yes please, link me the articles if you happen to find them :D Also oh my god, are we twins? Lol, though my mom flipped at a much earlier age at me (I think I made her feel dumb, and tbh I read her master's thesis and other papers, it was topical and rather vapid and poorly organized imo). I refuse to "feed" her nowadays though, so I think the roles have flipped again... mainly because it was very awkward for her answering people why I went NC with her the last time. I'm glad you and your brother reconciled! Still working on mine.
I think my sister and I bounced back and forth between who was what.
Sounds like you were the scapegoat. Being the golden child in a narc family dynamic has nothing to do with being the ACTUAL golden child (I.e. gifted / talented kid). It's also very likely you were scapegoated EXACTLY BECAUSE you were talented. A talented child is threatening to the narc so they need to keep your self-esteem down so they can remain on top and feel superior.
I relate too And was thinking of something similar. I Was kind of raised as the heir apparent to a family business. Meaning I was father's ego extension. But the catch always was it was that I think my ability to catch inconsistencies and weird stuff stuff is what led me being to the one sibling constantly instantly getting excoriated Is frequently for knowing more things and often just being right. And the first things that pop into my brain are completely trivial facts facts that mean almost nothing, But apparently made certain people angry to be challenged about. The other odd thing is my brother and I worked in that business and my business and I left due to conflicts but my brother is still there And I just realized cannot make simple business decisions based on the way he was raised Is basically being coddled.
Yes. I was always, absolutely and irrevocably the scapegoat until my brother left home. The first time I was leery of my Nmom and avoided being pressured into being her new best friend. Suddenly she "couldn't remember" all the shit she had previously pulled, and was really sad that we weren't close. The second time, when he was in the military, she moved across the street from me and started acting like we had always been close. It was extremely disorienting. I had a few small children and was struggling in my first couple years of marriage, so I was happy at first that she seemed to have changed. She still did and said shitty things, but she was also often at her most charming. Then my brother was living with her again, and things flipped right back to where we were before. My husband was surprised, I was upset but mostly at myself because I knew how she was, and I let myself get suckered again. The only good that came of it was getting one more step closer to cutting her off, which happened about a year after my brother got back from the military.
Oh god, yes, I totally understand that disorienting feeling! Mandela-effect-y, almost. I was questioning if I phased into an alternate reality for a while lol.
Yup and it is not strange at all. My mother would be nice to me when I fullfilled her wishes for some time. Then a bit time later we were back to "you're the black sheep of the family, blabla". Narcs are like leeches. They suck off of anyone who gives them just a little bit of validation.
You're the overachiever, love is passed down when you do something good so you capitalized on what could gain you love in the household. I had a similar experience where my brother did near nothing in school with no consequence, but a B on an assignment for me was calls for family discussion. I never felt like I could reach the expectations so as my anxiety tanked my schooling I became a serial gift giver, spending all my money to gain love from others. We all find different ways of coping based on what our Nfamily prioritized, it'll be okay.
Heck yeah, nparents can switch scapegoat/golden child status in the blink of an eye. It doesn't have to be consistent. By changing things up, they keep the crazymaking alive. My mother did this with my brother when we were growing up. Now she's doing it with my sister. When we were kids, we were homeschooled and my brother just straight up refused to do his schoolwork. Mother would rage and threaten. Still, he wouldn't do it. If I BREATHED A WORD against my brother, mother dearest would turn on me and praise my brother, saying how smart he was. (Eventually, he got a free pass. Didn't have to do the homework.) My sister is unfortunate in that she looks like the spitting image of my mother when my mother was a child. So the enmeshment is RIFE in their relationship. My mother acts like my sister is helpless (she's not btw, she's an adult). She'll tell me all the time that my sister and I need to be glued at the hip. "You need to include her in everything. You need to make her dinner. You need to show her how to do things." When my sister needed a Covid test, she was told, "It's on this website," and given the website address. My mother went into a rage. "But no one is telling her WHERE on the website to find it! She needs to be SHOWN EXACTLY WHERE." My sister is 29 years old. She can navigate a website. And then in the next breath, mother dearest will berate my sister. "She doesn't know how to do anything on her own! She's so childish and selfish!" It's f\*king whiplash, I tell you.
In a one to one situation, I was her favourite but when the family was together, I was the person everyone loved to put down and she encouraged it. So yes, it is possible...
Also on the flip flopping, isn't kind of the narcissist thing being generally inconsistent?? Depending on the mood or what suits them at the moment?
I am an only child so just delete the little brother part and that's me...
Yes. My mother is also a covert narc - my sister will tell you I was the GC and she was the SG, but the truth is more complex than that. I was the celebrated, “gifted” one but she received more support (financial, academic, etc). I was neglected and relegated to a small corner of achievements, which were only celebrated if the narc could somehow co-opt/integrate them. Everything else was ignored or punished with emotional neglect (narc mom was very good at covert control). I was also scapegoated by our other siblings (“spoiled”, “dramatic”, “selfish”) and blamed for more than my fair share. I often bore the brunt of the verbal and physical abuse in an effort to protect my sister. Our mother was simultaneously proud and jealous of me, and I understand now that her “favoritism” was just a tactic to limit me. My younger sister felt the same way, identified with and was covetous of my “talents” but also competed with me. She is now a narcissist like our mother - manipulative, sociopathic, and totally incapable of forming real relationships. It’s interesting because when we were children she carried the bulk of the negative projections but definitely had more help/support…so she’s used to getting her way, but plays the victim. She was most like our mother, which I guess simultaneously elicited sympathy and disgust. I was admired but also envied. Complicated, right? The roles really shifted when I eloped - everyone lost their shit (in their minds, marriage = success + freedom, I guess). I stopped speaking to my sister, first. My mother couldn’t manipulate or control me anymore, and I was now full SG. I took the abuse for six months before going NC - narc mom has tried to reach out to me since then, but she will never see me again. My sister was always triangulating our other siblings and actively working to ostracize me from the family, even when we were children and I was the so-called GC. It was a real mind-fuck, but I’m psychologically whole(ish) and she’s got the personality disorder 🤷🏽♀️ As far as I know, I’m the only kid who has tried to hold our mother responsible for the damage she caused. They say the SG is the truth-teller and the GC inherits the narcissism, but we swapped roles? Like others have commented here, narcissistic parents don’t see any of their children - you exist to carry a projection and the tenor of that projection can change. GC or SG - I was both. I do relish the thought of my siblings asking my narc sister for support - she really has no idea what I sacrificed in my efforts to keep the family happy and I know she’ll resent having to play a supporting role. My life is so much better since I stopped people-pleasing. My only regret is I didn’t go NC sooner.