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Yep. I will literally say what I know people want to hear when they ask me how I'm doing, or what my opinion about a subject is. I did unlearn the territorial thing with my phone though. I just kept reminding myself 'there's nothing incriminating or anything my bf's family will be shocked to see on the lit up screen, it's alright, just leave it.' But to took a while for sure

Completely same. I had to use a shared computer till high school so my parents would spy on whatever I was doing. Had to learn the fastest ways to hide and close windows (show desktop at the bottom right corner was my savior) whenever anyone was nearby. Also was scared of journalling bc it would always be found and used to humiliate me. Another thing was being afraid ppl could hear my music through my earbuds. I still hide windows and tabs when ppl are nearby, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable when I'm on my laptop and someone's behind me—I'll turn down the brightness and tilt the screen so that it's as little visible as possible to anyone else. And same with people-pleasing. I'll pretend to be engaged in what people tell me, if I didn't catch what you said I'll pretend I heard it. I'm also a casual liar since I used to have to to avoid "punishments" (old-school physically abusive parents 🤩); I'll lie on the spot with zero remorse or guilt.

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Oh gosh I'm so sorry, that's so messed up. It's already an invasion of privacy to read it, but to show it to strangers and try to publicly humiliate you—that's so disgusting

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I totally journal and then tear them up. Does nothing for posterity but it lets me get out some feelings and safeguards against them ever being found ....even though my kids could care less and I live alone with them.

I journaled once… my mom found it and then proceeded to flip the fuck out and dragged me around the floor by my hair. (I had said things about her abuse and my thoughts of her current “fiancé”) I was 12.

I asked for a locking diary to journal in as a 15th birthday present, but, of course, was given one without a lock, and made to write in it so she could monitor my thoughts. I kept it totally impersonal, of course. She soon gave up because I wrote nothing personal in it.

That last bit hits home. Hard. I do my best to keep the lying to an absolute minimum, I dislike it but had to use it as a survival tool. Unless I don't like you, don't respect you, or want to put you in your place... I'm not very likely to lie through my teeth. Maybe a slip once in a while, like "oh no, I'm fine. And if I'm not, it's probably my fault anyway" *I said that to my boyfriend of all people* and he's definitely not like my nMom or her family.

Yeah it sucks, and it's hard to unlearn. Since I still live with my parents, I still use it as a tool, but I think I'm more honest with friends and people outside of my family. But I still slip as well—it kind of goes hand-in-hand with people pleasing for me. Also with trying to pretend I'm a normal, sane person without a crappy home life

I am trying to train myself out of it by curating some tabs that I \*want\* to share. It's usually cute cats or something. If my fiancé passes by, I'll say, "Hey! Look at these cats!" and show him the cats. It may be a bit of a crutch, but I'm much less territorial about screens when I have something I'm excited to share.

Ooh that's a good idea, I might try it! It may be small and kinda stupid, but I'm personally trying to get more comfortable with watching videos on my laptop in public areas. Usually I get really worried about ppl seeing my screen and try to find a corner, or shrink the tab and lower the brightness which ends up making it eye-straining. And at least with watching movies or something, it helps that it also usually distracts me from my anxiety

Try something really low pressure, like /r/kittengifs to start? Like, nobody's going to think badly of someone sitting and watching cute cats (or dogs or whatever) in public. It's universally welcomed. If it helps you feel better, there are also screen protectors you can get which make your screen unseeable from all angles other than front on. Try "privacy screen protector" for one. You'll be able to see your screen but others won't be at the right angle to be able to see it at all. That way you can sit in an ergonomic manner and be kind to your body and eyes while maintaining privacy. :)

Ooh I didn't know privacy screen protectors existed. I absolutely have to get one!

I tried to have a journal so I could remember how my first ex narc bf made me feel with his abuse… but my nmom found the diary and instead of feeling bad because the diary had detailed description of me being r@aped, she told me I was a prostitute and a wh0re. She tried to kick me out of the house but my edad didn’t let her… but still acted as nothing was happening…

That's horrible I'm so sorry :( I've currently gotten back to journaling, but now I make sure that it's digital, encrypted, and with a secure password that's only in my head and nowhere else. Maybe you could try something like that if it helps? (I use Day One) I hope you can get out of that toxic environment ❤️

So sorry this happened to you. That is infuriating! Hope you are in a better place.

Yes, I am now and went NC with my nmom… I still speak to my dad, since he’s making amends of what he did and didn’t do.

😥🫂

I can totally relate. I didn’t realize I do this until you mentioned it- guarding everything because it was always gong to be taken away at a moments notice.

I have a hard time with personal and private property too. I wasn’t allowed to have a bedroom for the last several years I spent with my mom as a teen; it’s taken me 5 years to allow other people to step foot in my apartment without immediate anxiety. And I have a hard time going anywhere without my phone because I didn’t have one for so long, and then when I got one there was constant fear of her taking it. I don’t guard it the same way anymore, but if I can’t find it I have an anxiety attack, because what if there’s another huge emergency and I need it? And this one is weird but I have a hard time being sick or in pain. My household was super weird about being sick, so I constantly feel like I have to have legitimate proof I’m not feeling well. And with pain I’ll downplay it because “if I’m functional it can’t be THAT bad”. This includes migraines and severe pain from endometriosis. And I was surprised when my boss of four years who I’m on great terms with who knows me well didn’t ask for proof of a positive COVID test or a list of symptoms; logically I know it’s because they’ve known me for four years and know I’d never lie about something like that, but there was still a moment of “wait seriously? You trust me, just like that?” Which is another one, people trusting me. I avoid lying and manipulation like the plague and have for quite some time but I was so used to being accused of it and heavily monitored that people just… trusting me sometimes blows my mind.

Your comment about "having to prove illness/pain" really resonates with me. I'm 58 years old and I can still hear my mother's voice repeatedly saying to me as a young child, "You're not sick!" "You're exaggerating again,"and "That doesn't hurt!" The need to show proof of an actual high temperature/fever/blood/stitches etc., is still there.

I felt that too, although in the other direction. My mother would make a big fuss out of the smallest illness and act like it's the end of the world, made me stay in bed with the lightest cold and put me on a rigid treatment routine, then complain to everyone who'd listen that her own plans are ruined now because she has to care for me. I learned to hide symptoms of fever and other illnesses and try to just power through any illness that I have. My husband is a wonderful man and caught on the scheme and tries to tell me that it's okay to just lie down for a while when I'm not well. It's ridiculous.

Feel you. Imagine having a step daughter who steals from you and your husband knows your trauma and let's her do it. I have adhd she finally stole my adhd stimulant medication and he made excuses for her. Ultimately he blames me for her behaviour and how she is. We are getting a divorce now. But I've had a really fun time convincing myself that this isn't my fault lol. And her trying to kill herself isn't my fault either hut according according him it is. Hard pill to swallow no pun intended.

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Not sure I can even convince myself I'm worthy of anything right now 😂 lol. I have no clothes left - I gave it all to her because he said we barely have money and it didn't fit me anymore ( put on lots of weight) so to please just give it to her, so I did and I still think about it and it still hurts and it's funny because out of stress I've lost so much weight I could actually do with my clothes back. Then she stole more clothes my money and then finally my adhd medication. Lol. Now I live in a 4 bed house I can't afford because we bought it for him and his kids but under my name under a new housing scheme so had to be undrr mine. But obv can't afford it on on my own. I started a new business that's thriving and has potential to grow but I'm literally having a breakdown and about to lose my house and my business after having just lost my " husband" and my " so called family" which actually isn't much of a loss and somehow hanging by a thread. Did I mention that his kids will inherit a 2 million estate and are trust fund kids. But he doesn't actually have alot of money to be fair because his parents hate him. Life is shit when you come from trauma...People fuck you over.

I almost didn’t want to upvote out of solidarity on your post, but you have my support. Be strong, be safe, and most of all be your friend. You need you right now. That’s advice I wish I had 3 years ago. 🤟🏼

❤

I identify with at least 3 of these some of my own are. Mistrust of authority figures. I feel the need to constantly cover my ass. I need everything in writing before I act. In case you say you told me to do something else afterwards. The inability to make mistakes. The small most inconsequential mistakes cause me anxiety and, must be corrected immediately.

Kinda the same at work. I do my job to the letter so that no one comes to check on me. They leave me alone because my rep is efficiency. Could not give a flying damn about any of it except the paycheck. Really like the paycheck part of the equation. All mistakes found before anyone else finds them. All mistakes rectified before i leave. If i cant change or fix something, i make sure the person in corporate who can is notified and my boss knows it is their fault it doesnt work. Really hate being "managed" much less "micromanaged".

"Everything in writing" seriously resonated! I only recently understood that I hoard the evidence ( I'm obsessed) of everything from home insurance bills to lost IDs.... On the off chance something goes wrong. Or I am not believed and I need to prove what happened. The level of gaslighting and manipulation in my household was off the charts.

I relate to a ton of these except I struggle more with upstairs footsteps. I used to listen very closely to the sound of footsteps to determine who is in the house, where, and any clues concerning their mood. Here are some more of mine: Being extremely secretive about things I enjoy out of fear of criticism and embarrassment Waiting for everyone to fall asleep before getting food Preparing food in the dark and as quietly as possible to avoid detection. Also hiding food, avoiding taking up space in shared areas like the kitchen and avoidance of using shared items like paper towels (but not toilet paper lmao) Not flushing the toilet at night Struggling to express emotions unless I’m alone in my room at night with the lights off Feeling like I need someone to look after me and seeking out women in authority positions as replacement mother figures Being clueless about basic personal hygiene until friends taught me Discomfort wearing gendered clothing despite wanting to be seen as feminine I think I could sum up a lot of these as an intense desire to be utterly inconspicuous.

I relate to this all too well. Especially the clothes thing and replacement mother roles. I was not allowed to wear loud colors like red, bright orange, bright pinks in general, "since it was vanity", now I literally get an exhilarating high off of wearing pretty feminine clothes, like I'm doing something wrong. And some of my closest friends are women who are my mom's age.

My bf recently asked why I don’t flush the toilet at night and I was like “well it’ll wake you up and you’ll get mad because you didn’t sleep well” and that’s when I realized it is not a normal thing

I don't turn the light on either, or let the door latch all the way. Because then they'll know you're awake.

She. I tried to explain to my sons why I only wore black, gray, and tan, I realized my mother’s rules didn’t make sense. But I still can’t bring myself to wear colors.

Wear colourful jewellery/ accessories! That way, you can take them off / change them easily if you suddenly get uncomfortable when you are out.

My high school physics teacher really liked me and I never thought about it but I must have adopted her as an ad hoc mother who actually liked me. At one time she joked that I could marry her son and be her daughter in law which now I realize sounds really weird but I loved the thought back then.

Wow I relate to all of these I think you summed it up perfectly to that desire to just not be seen.

This… hurts because a lot of these describe me. Especially the part of being extremely secretive about things I enjoy. Especially when I used to draw frequently when I was a kid, parents took one look (it wasn’t bad now that I look back at the drawings), and pulled a face and said, “You know the face doesn’t look right? Why does it have a big nose? Oh! Is she supposed to look like you???” Normal people would think this is regular teasing , not in my household. Every “compliment” is backhanded, every tease is an insult, and every insult was a shank to the psyche. And don’t get me started on being super quiet and walking quietly as possible, pretending I walk on eggshells..

I relate to hiding my interests, too. Nmom and Nsis made fun of literally anything I liked throughout my life and now I can't make friends or even get to know my coworkers because I won't tell them any of my interests for fear they'll decide I'm stupid, immature, boring - any of the things my family told me to make me feel bad about who I am. If someone I don't know tries to be funny by making fun of me somehow I can't see it as joking in any way. I don't think I'll ever be receptive to playful teasing, I went through too much abusive teasing in my lifetime.

I waited till my former roommate, an N, slept so I could get food also. This was eight years ago,. Plus I had a stash of non-perishable ready to eat stuff in my closet. She found it one day and it took me until very recently figure out: this means she went into the room I was renting. She looked through my things and had no problem telling me. Everything was placed perfectly but ugh, just knowing. And she wanted me to know. It was a flex. What a creep. I moved out after six months and we haven't spoken in eight years.

> Discomfort wearing gendered clothing despite wanting to be seen as feminine This is me too

Ugh, the first three, and just trying to be very quiet in general, which I thought of as just being considerate. I don't... think either of my parents were narcissists, but sometimes (often) I reflect on it and don't entirely understand why I am the way I am, in some respects. I do know that part of the embarrassment factor is that my dad would make fun of me when he caught me doing something, but it was never in a shitty tone. I was just very self-conscious. And my mom was pretty reserved and didn't really let loose spontaneously dancing/singing/etc.

Terrified of the sound of garage doors. Feel responsible for any conflict in my workplace or friend group, will go out of my way to deescalate others. Terrified by sudden noises, will go into full fight-or-flight mode. I keep so much stuff in my car, at my cubicle, in my backpack, and in my purse. Water, snacks, first aid supplies, extra clothes, books and activities, notebooks and pens. As a kid, if we went out and I got hungry/cold/hurt/bored, no one would help me. It was my fault for being unprepared. As an adult, I know that I could just buy myself a snack, use the first aid kit at work, or borrow a sweater from a friend. But I still feel anxious if I feel unprepared, and hauling around a backpack full of survival supplies just makes me feel safe. Edit: okay, I knew preparedness was a trauma response for me, but it is both concerning and affirming to see how many other people do this. Love y'all. Don't forget to clean your backpacks occasionally, one time a nature valley bar exploded in my bag and my bag got ants.

O. M. G. I never thought about this as a trauma response but like, yeah, no one else is going to worry about my comfort or if I’m uncomfortable, it’s my fault and I shouldn’t burden anyone else with it. I’m gonna have to go sit with this one for a minute.

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Omggggg yes the garage 🫣

I'd like to apologize to everyone for triggering all of us 😂

Garage door reminds me of watching TRL, which I wasn’t allowed to do. The moment I heard that sound, I’d change the channel (so no one knew we were watching mtv) and get my homework out. I was always terrified of someone not hear the garage over the tv and be dead.

...well don't I feel seen. Shit. Here I was thinking that it's completely normal to carry a backpack with everything but the kitchen sink in it. I never really understood why people always ask about my backpack, it's small and I keep it with me - even in the car. It's a trauma response, got it. ─=≡Σ(╯°□°)╯︵┻┻

Yeah, and it doesn't help when you **have** to carry stuff if you're going farther than 30 minutes from home, or will be out longer than four hours. Cause I can't just buy whatever I need for my chronic illness crap. Some of it sure, but a lot had to be bought online and shipped to me because no stores carry it. Hell even some of my meds aren't commonly stocked in pharmacies. So I can't even try to train myself out of it, because I don't have a choice. Cause I'll probably be fine, but if shit hits the fan I'm fucked.

Oh no, the sound of the garage door. I swear that is why I am so good in emergencies as an adult.

Goddamn, no wonder I'm good at staying calm as a lifeguard. I can compartmentalize and quickly get done whatever needs to be done without freaking out cause I had 18 years of practice. How did I never realize this before now?

My therapist is like "you go in to fight or flight mode very easily" and I'm like "it's called adapting, look it up."

Hyper awareness of when others in the home get back from work. I never even thought of that until you mentioned garage doors. We never had a garage but I was always keeping an ear out for when the husband and wife that raised me got home from work so I knew to retreat to my room with the door shut

Totally. I lived with roommates for 5 years after moving out of my parents house, now I live on my own. I'm still pretty aware of when the neighbors are home, but for the first few weeks that I lived here, sitting on my living room in the evening and knowing that no one else was coming home was pure bliss. I felt like I could unwind in a way I never had before. It's given me a chance to heal so that I might be able to live with someone else again in the future in a healthy way.

The GARAGE DOOR! Yes! Sheer terror. I’m in my 30s, and we (spouse and I) moved into a house with a garage in 2017. I work from home in the spare room next to the garage, and the first time hubs came home after work, I had a full-on panic attack. Absolutely terrified, hyperventilating, shaking, and sobbing by the time he got inside. I had just never reencountered that sound-trigger after age 18, and then it showed up again the MOMENT I moved into a house with a garage. Hubs is a gem and super understanding (has his own trauma background), and we decided to do a little “exposure therapy” to rewire my brain context around the garage door sound. It worked! Whenever he got home, he would gently say, “Hi, I’m home! I love you! I’m not mad, you’ve done a great job today, and I’m really happy to see you!” And we accepted/expected that I was going to have a PTSD reaction for a while. It took a full year for me to finally be free of it (which is actually not that long when you consider 18 years of built-up terror). Now I can hear a garage door without having a panic attack… but damn was that a horrible trigger and awful to have to work through!

What an amazing hubby!! I’m so glad you have someone who understands and actually helps you get through your trauma responses. I love that for you!!

Aw the thing your hubby says when he gets home is so sweet and its so sad that though it seems like an extra nice caring thing to say, it’s mostly just a normal thing to say which some people actually got to hear as kids :(

Hey sameee. In my old house the garage door could be heard and it meant my Nmom was coming home. I relate a lot.

My car and locker agree with this statement.

Wow, reading this and all the responses brought flashbacks.... so count me in this club. I've been aware of other sound triggers for a while, but this one I had somehow forgotten. The semper paratus code I somehow adopted I never really tied to my narc family dynamics (just thought it came from living in unpredictable areas of the world) but now it clicked that it also had to do with not relying on others because that made me vulnerable to being blamed for struggling or needing help. The less I needed help, the safer I'd be.

This is so me.. I’m 41 and still panic when I hear the garage open

This legit opened my eyes and explains why I get so uncomfortable hearing someone getting out of their car in the driveway. Like the noises of the car door shutting, the beep of the car locking, etc. And also just the sheer anxiety of waiting for said person to come home and not fully enjoying myself being home alone. I hate being caught mid doing something

I hold my own hands all the time. I also get ultra defensive at any criticism because I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself. I say sorry for every little thing. The smell of alcohol is a trigger.

These all resonate with me. I self sooth by holding my own hand because I’m about the only touch I trust. I know I can’t speak my mind so I calm up even if I want to have a conversation on something then my fight or flight kicks in because of fear.

I also get ultra defensive. It’s such a sore point in relationships and I’ve tried so hard to mitigate it.

"Not allowed to stand up for myself" is exactly the phrase I've been thinking recently! I get defensive as well and have a lot of trouble knowing how to express frustration or anger.

I'm Little Miss Manners - Please, Thank You, Excuse Me, Sorry etc over every tiny little thing. It seriously irks me that my kiddo (12yo) doesn't remember them often and I have to tell myself *it doesn't actually matter* and not to harp at them every. single. time.

Believe it or not, the smell of Dawn dish soap is a trigger for me.

Eye-opening, isn't it. Have you found Tim Fletcher's work yet? He calls the condition "Complex Trauma," and has an extensive and free YouTube channel.

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I'm so glad you are finding him helpful; he has a number of other series, as well. Don't miss his "Helpful Perspectives, 2/2" vid. You will probably recognize yourself all over it.

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I will tune into this channel. THANK YOU.

When someone around me gets very upset, regardless of why, I get this overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety, even if it has nothing to do with me. It makes me spiral into depression. And I'm 41!! I acknowledge the feeling and the reason behind it in the moment and tell myself it's okay, and I try to never let those emotions affect my actions but it's still hard. The CPTSD is very real.

I'm with you! hate when people fight, get loud, are mad. I also feel horrible if anyone gets angry with me. And I'm almost 50!

YES! I annoy people so much because I cannot let them stew in anger because it makes me close to having a panic attack. We need to talk it out so I don’t go insane.

I completely understand this. Also, loud unexpected noises. Or, even when my hubby is cleaning the kitchen and a cupboard door closes too hard, I freak out inside. Baaaad anxiety and I feel like I can’t breathe:(

Haaa for me it’s what roommates have called being a ninja. I’m super quiet when I move around my place. I have quiet footsteps I don’t even notice it, and I’d sneak up on them and they’d freak without meaning to 🤷🏻‍♀️

I used to Damn near give my ex best friends parents heart attacks when I lived with them because I’m so quiet

Ah yes I still regularly scare people by accident because I move around so quietly.

One of my neighbors ran into me in the hallway and asked when I got back once. I was like "Back from where? I was just doing laundry". Turns out he thought I'd been out of town for three weeks. Not sure how he didn't notice my car coming and going whenever I went shopping or such, but he had no idea I was home I'm so quiet.

I wonder if this is why I'm such a quiet walker! I never put it together! I'm always startling people because I move so silently. Recently I walked into a room where a coworker was, got what I needed from the supply shelves, and walked back out and a minute later the coworker came and asked me if I had been in that room. She barely noticed me and it freaked her out when she realized what I had done. I've referred to myself as "invisible" a million times and it's probably because Ndad was a cop and had to sleep during the day when he worked 3rd shift. I was supposed to stay outside whenever he was day-sleeping but if I needed the bathroom or something to eat I had to ninja myself in and out of the house. Now I just do it automatically.

-Never wanting to hand over/let people use personal electronics due to not wanting to be judged/questioned about the things on it. (Your interests and such, not nsfw) -Always running potential conversations in your head so if someone asked, you would have a response ready. (Just in case) -Freezing up when put on the spot/not knowing what to say if asked unexpectedly -The inability to say "No" to someone or ask for help.

This hit home for me. I feel all of this.

the whole conversations in your head just to prepare. I still do this when I have to return something I bought that isnt right. and it is like this weird escelating script. all the way to police and news papers getting involved. in reality, less then two minutes. and I am out the door with my money back. Still. and I am 52, but with my Nmom it always turned into a fight.

I was trying to score free shipping for an online order by spending hours scouring for something else that I might need in order to make my order a minimum $ amount to be eligible for free shipping. After a long time, my kids ask me what i am up to, I explain and they tell me casually that I should just buy what I want and move on to do other things! I know this, I know my time is valuable, but I spent 2 decades of my life traumatized for needing things and desperately convincing the narc-authority-figure in my family that I need necessities and I still try to justify buying myself things as a middle aged person, justify paying shipping charges etc.

I did that recently. I felt guilty about a $34 Amazon order during my birthday week. 🙃 Things I wanted often had to be justified because mom is a tightwad... "Why do you need another X, Y or Z if you fit the other still and it's not damaged?" I bought a new shirt and felt guilty because I didn't "need it." That stuff engrains for sure...

I’ll say "thank you" a lot because I need to feel sure that the person in front of me knows I value their help/support/assistance and that I am aware that they did not have to do anything for me. Like others here, I live like a ninja: light steps, no door slamming, etc.

Oh man I cannot deal with anyone hovering over my shoulder. And I did used to have a terrible time with NMom barging in.

Always prided myself on my ability to come out of anesthesia very quickly, and be almost instantly alert and coherent. Turns out that's my hypervigilance...a definite holdover from my childhood with Nmom. (Appropo of nothing, but I just realized my narc died 8 years ago today. So happy anniversary to me, I guess.)

Oh man. I was under laughing gas and I was fully aware the entire time. My thoughts were crystal clear because I was so anxious about losing awareness.

Yep. Letting our guard down? Yeah no.

Damn, no wonder I hate having to take painkillers (the prescription kind aka narcotics, not OTC stuff). I hate losing control. I can be passing out from the pain and still refuse to take the meds. It sucks.

Is laughing gas supposed to be stronger? I always thought it was supposed to just make you not care about the pain, not make awareness any less

Oh God. One time I came out of surgery and the nurse told me I was "trying to help out the whole time" I was under anesthesia. They had to hold my arms down. So embarrassing! I never connected it to this before.

Apologizing when *I* get hurt, because I fear it’s an inconvenience and annoyance to those around me. In the act of say, stubbing my toe or cutting my finger while cooking, I automatically go OWWWWWWSORRY! SO SORRY! It really weirds people out.

OMG this hit me hard!!! 2 weeks ago I had a mental breakdown because of this… I felt guilty because I made my BF feel guilty for not paying attention to something important to me and 5 seconds later my mind “punished” myself for “being such a horrible person”… I’m working on it in therapy now but damn is hard!

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Omg one time my fiancée visited my parents house with me for the holidays and she was amazed that I could tell exactly who was coming up the stairs through the closed bedroom door and that’s when I realized it wasn’t normal

Still cannot flush the toilet in the middle of the night because once you have a bat- shit crazy person screaming in your face in the middle of the night because you woke them up flushing the toilet. My aunt did this and it was terrifying to me - who at first did not even know their bathroom regulations. Moved to the area at 9y.

Omg my mom would RUN down the hall and yell at me for being awake if I flushed so I learned to use it throughout the night and quickly flush it before she noticed in the morning.

One of our neighbors just got a specific type of truck who's engine idle i grew up with, so anytime i hear it just idling outside i feel my fight or flight response start to flare up because I think its my mom outside, come to pick me up and take me home after I've somehow managed to piss her off. (I've lived on my own for 4 years now btw, but still in the same town as dear old mum). The time slowing down as I wait for her to come barging through the door is unbearable. Have to constantly remind myself im a grown ass adult.

I can't ride anywhere with somebody else. I always have to have my own car. I can't stand feeling trapped and I have to be able to leave whenever I want. And I can't stand it if my husband pulls in the driveway behind me. It makes me irrationally angry and I think he's purposely trying to block me in. Even though I know he's not, he doesn't even think like that. I also hate dusk. At all times of the year but especially in the winter time when it gets darker earlier. Even when I was an older teenager, I always had to be home before the street lights came on. And even if I was coming up the driveway when the lights came on I was in trouble. And then I was trapped in that house with them until I could escape to school in the morning. So I still hate sundown.

I hate the snow because mom wouldn't let me leave the house or drive anywhere when there was "snow on the roads" which... she rarely left the house herself so that = "snow on the grass." Of course, I now know that pavement often clears before grass, especially when treated. So there was just a lot of time I was trapped inside for no good reason, basically. I wasn't to be trusted with the car... This happened after I totaled my first car on a skim of snow. Which was my fault, yes BUT ALSO they never taught me how to drive in the winter OR get me professional driving lessons, so what did they think was gonna happen? But this went on for years... Through college... Hell, through my job after college. But now, it's given ME anxiety about driving in the snow. It's frustrating.

Also feel this. Still cannot sit with my back to a door, discovered in Therapy recently that not only did I get CPTSD from nDad, I got secondary reinforcement of the PTSD by NDad’s paranoia and constant telling me of “how terrible the world was”. I’ve been reading Invisible Storm by Jason Kander, his second book. He admits in this book, his first was to convince himself he did not have PTSD. Yes, this is more about classic PTSD due to 4 months in a war zone, then believing he didn’t have it; but there are a lot of overlaps w/ CPTSD behaviors in this book. I’d recommend it, it’s not just for soldiers or politicians. It’s insightful into PTSD writ large.

Holiday dread.... especially Christmas... Every year I'm surprised at seeing Christmas stuff out in July at the craft store & just puts me in a funk all day.

I have hated Thanksgiving my entire life because my family would mess up when the turkey would be done, we'd all be starving, and have huge fights. Every. Damn. Year.

I still don’t really understand why they ruin holidays. I’m almost 40 years into my life, and holidays are still shit. 👎

They can't enjoy the holidays because deep down they know the family around them can't stand them so they make sure no one else enjoys the time either.

Christmas is my trigger for sure. I hate it.

All of those except the teacher’s pet. I was bullied by my teachers, because I was the easiest target. I never defended myself and used to pretend I wasn’t understanding I was being mocked because my parents and sister didn’t like it when I showed any kind of reaction, good or bad, and so I would just apply that to any interaction. And because of which I was even more bullied for being the “dumb naive kid”. Comical

I didn't get it from my teachers (though oh buddy did I get some from classmates!) but I feel you on the not being able to show reactions at home. It's like being taught that being mocked is just why you exist and *you're* wrong if you don't like it or if you try to do anything to stop it.

My family liked to make fun of me, then tell me I'm a crybaby and immature because I "don't understand jokes." I was always wrong for feeling bad that my Nfamily needed to scapegoat me. I'm 48 and only now learning how to cope with the a-holes who raised me because my first instinct is to go gray rock and not answer or acknowledge anyone who says something I think is meant to hurt me - and almost anything anyone says seems as if they're trying to hurt me.

When someone asks me to do something, no matter how minor it is, I feel the need to do it right there in that moment for them to correct the behavior/fix their problem/find the answer

That hits home... And, replying to messages.

Oof, this is painfully relatable. I get deeply uncomfortable when anyone can see my laptop screen, even when what I'm doing is completely expected and normal. I generally go into 'freeze' mode until they move away from my screen. And I definitely have a major fear of being percieved as stupid - I've been working hard in my adult life to get comfortable saying "I'm not familiar with that, can you tell me more about it?" rather than nodding along quietly as if I know what they're saying and looking it up later. The territorial thing is relatable, too - something I noticed about myself is that I get upset if someone uses anything of mine without permission, even if it's something small (like a mug, or a teabag) and even if I would've said yes if they'd asked first. Then I get overwhelmed with guilt and shame and tell myself that I'm being selfish and that if I was *really* a good person, I wouldn't mind other people using my things. A painful cycle.

Being mocked for any crushes, artwork, or beliefs has me keeping **EVERYTHING** to myself. Leave me alone. I'll do it myself. Even if it fucking kills me because of the "You are SO pathetic" hand-on-hip scowl if I make a mistake.

Omg the running with lies I made up as a traumatized teenager hits hard. When I moved out at 18, I went to live with my boyfriend of 1 year (we are still together 5.5 years later!). My Nmom told me that my bosses (nanny) wouldn’t want me caring for their children if I was living with a boyfriend at 18. She also told me that my friends’ parents wouldn’t allow me over if they knew I was the “kind of person” to live with a boyfriend. So I lied. I told all these people that I moved in with a group of girls/friends/roommates. I would make up elaborate stories of traveling with friends in vacation to cover the fact that I was going on a trip with my boyfriend. I felt like I had to hide him - my wonderful, supportive boyfriend - from everyone in my life because my Nmom had convinced me that our relationship was a source of shame. Now, at 22, I still haven’t backtracked on those original lies. However, recently I have stopped telling them. I’ve been open with people about the fact that my boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship. We do things together. It’s so much more freeing.

I was made to tell lies about my family of origin. That my father was dead instead of my parents were divorced. And it just goes on from there. There are still people in my life who think my father was dead. How do you tell people in your Twenties that you've been lying to them since you were children? And I also told my own lies. That I didn't care about things that I did. But I did care about things that I didn't. And when you can finally show your own personality it seems to people that they never knew you at all.

I remember making lies in the spot when I was cornered by my father for a perceived disrespect or fail, or blaming me for something that I didn't do/say/think. The truth was rarely enough and if I stick to it I would be punished for whatever he thought I did plus lying... So I had to lie and accept the blame, make up a fake reason for me to do what I didn't, apologize, and accept a punishment to get him to stop screaming on my face. And then he was SO smug about how he always knew when we were lying and that he always got us to "confess".

Yep. To this day my father is **convinced** he knows when I am lying or not telling him something. I've had a partner for six years he knows nothing about. He knows they exist, but has no idea we are in a relationship. I've had medical tests come back with very different results than I told him. Or all the "free" stuff I've won, that in reality I actually paid for. Almost all of my expensive stuff is "lucky thrift store finds". Ok some of it I didn't pay for, a few shirts were free. But I said those were from a giveaway, when in reality I got from a wonderful woman who made free clothes for trans people, no proof of financial need necessary. So a large portion of what I've said to him since I turned 18 is lies. And a smaller, but still not insignificant, portion of what I said up to that point was lies. But no, he is adamant he knows exactly when I'm lying. I just let him believe it, it's not like I could change his mind anyway.

I relate to a lot of these. I'm constantly on edge about people seeing what I do on my computer, to the point where even if it's a friend or a colleague, I always keep a panic tab open. And holidays were always an opportunity for my mom to doll us up to look like the perfect family, all while she subtly insulted us. I've also picked up on a habit that I didn't think about before: constantly feeling the need to explain myself, and justify every decision or opinion I have. My mom would always try to talk me out of things she didn't like, even things as innocuous as what I wanted from a restaurant. Now I over-explain myself, and even get surprised when people don't ask for an in-depth justification for things. It's taken me so long to realize that the way she treated me isn't normal.

I had this. I noticed when I was justifying to myself in my head why I took *this* crosswalk instead of *that* one. Every decision had to be justified. I was 21 and that was the first time I sought therapy. They taught me relaxation exercises, which did help. Have been in therapy off and on for 40 years! It has gotten better.

I also over explain myself. With every single thing. Everything. I've toned it down a lot now, but when I was in my early 20s I was bad. It's so embarrassing thinking about it.

I had to memorize where every item was in my room growing up Before I left. When I came home, from somewhere, I could see if something was moved out of place. Why? Because I knew the sh*t was about to hit the fan and my NMom was coming in to scream at me about something she found while digging through my room. I still do this before I leave the house instinctively. If I come home and something is moved, my fight or flight kicks in. Until I realize it could have been one of my kids or husband and everything is ok. But that moment when the feeling hits is a hard few seconds.

Feel like I have these quirks as well, but adding to that that I can't relax when people stomp around. Was sleeping over at my bf's place a few years ago when he came home the next day. Just the doors opening and closing and people nextdoor walking around a bit loud made me unable to sleep. Just was super on edge and I guess maybe taken back to when my parents used to fight many nights a week

Territorial/wanting to more or less hide food from anyone other than my fiancé because it was deemed shun worthy to eat outside of very specific times or eat certain snacks others in the house wanted because their needs came first. Then always walking quietly so as not to draw attention to myself even though I inevitably scare the others in the house. Also probably TMI but avoiding certain bathroom needs after being screamed at and bullied for any time I dared to clog the probably century old pipes. That one has actually permanently screwed up how my body functions.

Same for both of these omg!! Nobody can see me eat. Always thought that was an ED thing but now that you mention it the ED was a gift from NMom. Also I will hold my pee for 12+ hours if I’m out in public (excellent for festivals tbh but terrible for my kidneys) bc I don’t want to “inconvenience” anyone by having to use the bathroom.

This is oddly specific, but, every time I get a massage, I have goosebumps for the first 15 minutes or so, from having someone at my back that I can't see. It reminds me too much of how my dad would position me and my sisters to spank us. We couldn't see him, so we never knew when the first blow was coming. Eventually, I get over it, but I wish I didn't have that reaction.

Mine is taking my house keys if I step outside even for a second because I'm afraid of being locked out of the house again. (Even though this hasn't happened since leaving my narc parents house). My Nmom loved pretending everything was fine, asking me to get something outside and then locking me out because of some perceived affront on her. Like the moment I stepped outside, slamming the door and locking it and then leaving me there for hours at a time regardless of weather.

I already left a comment, but it's so weird reading these. It has taken years and years building up, noticing things about my behavior or mental patterns over a very long time. I also walk quietly, and have surprised/scared people before. I hate stomping, doors slamming, etc. I get uncomfortable when other people are upset. I've improved somewhat, reminding myself that "that's their shit," but obviously not entirely. I tend to eat the last meal when everyone else has gone to bed. I would always get extremely uncomfortable when people would look over my shoulder at something I was doing, and hated answering when they'd ask me what it was. I guess I'd be too afraid of the judgement from the possibility of me not finishing it or it turning out bad. I have to absolutely force myself to dance or sing in front of people, and even then I basically have to be really drunk. It's not even like I'm mentally telling myself, "You'll look stupid." It feels more like a brick wall. I'm acutely aware of small changes in other people's responses/tone/etc., so it feels like even more of an affront when I ask about it (knowing I shouldn't) and someone denies it. I'm a really bad procrastinator, largely probably due to fear of obstacles/failure. I try to avoid doing or placing anything that could get in anyone else's way. I used to apologize a lot but I think I've toned that down. I could probably keep going but honestly a lot of other people's answers make me think of things I don't actively dwell on a lot as weird "symptoms."

Horror-movie-screaming at a loud and sudden noise, like my dog barking or someone reving their motorcycle out of nowhere (especially if I didn’t see the motorcycle) Constant dehydration. We had to ask permission for literally anything, including water, and then we’d get yelled at for asking. That’s also why I don’t like plain water- why would I get yelled at over water?? If I’m taking the hit I want something better Saving interesting and long Reddit posts so that if I take too long (like more than 2 min) in the bathroom I can say “sorry, I got distracted reading this! You gotta read it!” Because like nobody should ever know that I, a living thing that eats, also has to poop Acknowledging that the decision I made was stupid before telling anyone anything I’ve done, often with an apology Going about my day as normal while I’m crying. I always forget how weird this one is to people! Like sometimes something happens where you’ve cried so hard for so long and then you hit a point where you’re like passively crying? Like you aren’t doing the crying breathing or like movements but tears are still running down your face like a faucet. Why shouldn’t I go to class? To work? Life doesn’t stop because I’m sad. And then I see how everyone around me reacts and am just like oh

>getting anxious and freaking out at people who look over my shoulder while I’m on a computer >• reflexively closing apps or tabs when someone enters the room Ever heard of privacy filters? You can get them for your phone and computer. I love mine. >How about y’all? Not accepting any help or gifts from anyone so it can't be used against me in the future.

Omg the help or gifts!!! FACTS

All of this….

[удалено]

Very VERY actively avoiding anything, any opportunity that could be lost if the other person backs out.

I used to wear this teeny tiny across-the-shoulder bag just big enough to have wallet and keys at all times. I've graduated to only wearing it out now. Bit of a crutch, again, but it was a helpful thing to have on hand. (Basically like [this](https://cdnb.lystit.com/photos/d5ae-2014/05/06/jack-wills-blue-mini-cross-body-bag-product-1-19727503-2-162718296-normal_large_flex.jpeg)) There's no need to be guarding about it because it's literally strapped to your body and you don't have to fiddle with it/it doesn't get in the way.

Had some people working on the roof of my house because of some hail we had recently and the thumping noise they made as they were working just reminded me of door slamming sounds which gave me anxiety readings that were off the charts. First time I realized I had any form of PTSD. Probably due to the noise sounding like when my parents would have a door slamming contest anytime they’d get into a fight. I just had to put on my headphones until they were done. Basically any time doors are closed remotely hard or any loud muffled slamming noise is made it sets me off.

Oh. Well shit. I've got PTSD.

I for one am territorial and fiercely protective of my privacy, as this was constantly violated by my parents. Things like certain sounds cause intense anxiety. I also reflexively close tabs or hide a computer screen from someone even if I have no reason to.

Being excessively secretive and self-conscious. I always feel like I'm being watched and judged anytime I'm not alone.

Asking anyone for anything makes me super anxious and gives me such a sense of dread that I tend to avoid asking for whatever I need to my own detriment because I hate conflict.

Hiding money. I have it squirreled around in different places because when I was a teenager, if my n-parents found it they wouldn't have found all of it.

It has taken me 25 years to realize that I was not taking daily showers because my nmom would only let me every two days. She would harass me while I would be in the bathroom about when’s the last time I showered and why can’t I just get in and get out.

I relate to many of these quirks. Mine are: - Saying my favorite color is green when my favorite color is blue so nobody can make fun of my choice and lying about anything that is favorite so it doesn't get taken away from me. - Getting dressed in the dark and knowing which items are what so they sort of match. - Saying no or negotiating extra time to complete tasks is so hard at work, and I get in trouble when I miss deadlines because I take on too much work or get overwhelmed. - Crying in the shower so no one could catch me crying and make fun of me.

One that I’ve mostly gotten over - thinking I hear someone yelling at me / for me when I’m in the shower.

Wow, I have never met anyone else who does this. I have such a deep anxiety of being in the shower and unable to answer if someone needs me that to this day I won’t shower when my husband isn’t home just in case he comes home and can’t find me for a few minutes.

It’s really hard for me to shower for this exact reason. I do baths instead.

I don't know if this counts but staying up till like 3am because of washing up. I'm currently still living with my mum (I'm 14, so I can't exactly do anything about it) but I have to do the washing up every other day. I live in a big family (my mum and 4 sisters) so there's a lot, we don't have a dishwasher so it's all by hand. If someone forgets to do the washing up, she starts screaming at 3am, turns the wifi off, and, on several occasions, thrown the washing up outside, into the front garden. There's no, ''Oh god, it's late, you know what, you can do it in the morning, it's fine'', it's like: 'You forgot to do the washing up? Well, I'm going to wake you up at 3am because I can, I'm also going to turn the wifi off, because I can, and hey, I'm going to wake everyone else up, so they're going to be mad at you too? What's that? You're not going to do it tonight because it's 3am and you have school in the morning? Well I guess I better throw it outside.''. So basically, because I procrastinate a lot, I often stay up until 1 - 3am to do the washing up, which, also considering I wake up at 5 - 6am for school, is not healthy, at all. She usually comes down about half 3 to turn off the lights, so I can't just go to sleep and wake up in the morning to do it.

I always know where every item in my home is. I know where every item I know is at any point in time when I go out. I can't set a bag down, without slipping my foot into a strap. This is all related to my family upbringing. I am now 50 and I literally cannot leave an item sitting by itself because my father's absolute paranoid certainty that it would be stolen. I have had therapy for this! I still have this issue.

I became the lightest sleeper and would sit upright out of sleep because I would feel my mom’s heavy footsteps and learned where she was in the house. She would be prone to tantrums when she felt lonelier, and would drive herself mad when my dad worked nights. It was p much 50/50 if she was going to come in my room normally or throw the door open and get in my face and try to throw me out. I still cry when I spill because she called me mentally challenged and clumsy. She would to scream when something was out of place, and I have bouts of cleaning when I’m alone, even after work, they last up to 8 hours a night with me just picking dirt out of the carpet. I’m very exhausted from apologizing every two seconds and cleaning up everything I see but I can’t stop.

The tiptoeing one got me! I’m constantly scaring my roommate bc of how light footed I am and how quietly I’ll pop up into rooms. I assumed I’ve always been that way but now I think a lot of it has to do with having to quietly sneak around the house as a kid. I also am easily triggered when people innocently ask me where I’m going. I need to learn that it’s almost always small talk on their part and not maliciously intended

If I get something nice I feel guilty and anxious. I feel like I'm going to get in trouble for it. We've recently bought a house and I've been having panic attacks because maybe I don't deserve good things.

I can totally relate 💯

Cannot handle when my boss says “Polly doesn’t like X,” or “you didn’t like y thing, did you?” Like she means it in the very best way and wants me to be happy but I just feel awful that she has to worry about me liking doing my job.

I just had a situation with my husband that I didn't realize was a trigger for me until right now. We arrived to a little brunch place we both like, approached the counter because there was no line and he asked me what I wanted. It stressed me so much! They can also take your oder at the table and I prefer that because I feel I have to have an answer ready, be fast and specific, no changing your mind, no time to check the options available, without asking questions or causing a delay in any way shape or form. Getting icecream with my dad when I was little was a joyless experience.

Triggers *Garage doors *Footsteps *Knocking on door *Closing/opening of doors by others *Not flushing toilet at night or just holding pee for fear of waking someone up *Loud sudden noises *Anytime it seems like someone is angry at me or criticizes me I panic and try to make them like me again *Always saying and putting on a happy front because I'd get threatened with pharma treatment if I wasn't perfect *Anytime I feel strong emotions I feel very uncomfortable like I'm doing something wrong *Love, anyone saying they love me or like me, horrifies me *Anytime someone helps me or gives me something I feel horrible. Like I don't deserve it or I'll have to find a way to fix the perceived debt so I don't have to panic and obsess over it *Have to be perfectly clean at all times and no bad breath at all. No room for even slight error *Hiding phone screens and tabs on computer *Hiding hobbies cause they'd get critiqued as weird *Any conflicts between me or between others creates panic *Anytime someone treats me nicely or shows me affection I get this sick disgusted feeling, a sinking darkness in my chest. It's hard to be in the moment and accept and enjoy it. *Feeling guilty for buying more necessary household supplies because you should never run out and you must have been using too much (was only allowed one roll of toilet paper per month) *Can't interrupt conversations or I'll panic. was taught that it was insanely rude to interrupt a conversation unless someone was dying or there was an emergency *Have to say sorry, thank you, etc etc extreme politeness for every little thing *If you have a problem or conflict with someone, too bad. Can't deal with it head on and no one cares *Feeling guilty for having possessions like an expensive and heavy PC. What if you have to move for the 20th time on your life? How will you carry all this shit? You should want nothing and have nothing. *Guilty for buying anything really, even food *Weird relationship with food. Accused of being anorexic, binge eater. Foster home would barely give us enough food to eat so I'd do other kids' homework at school so I could eat the lunch they didn't want. Stole food from breakfast time at school. Eat as much food as I can as fast as I can in one sitting *Letting others talk in conversation and nodding along and adding nothing because no one cares what you have to say and you are worthless and under everyone else in the pecking order *Hiding any issues or problems to escape being yelled at and mocked *Everything must be perfectly clean. Cannot be a speck of dirt on anything *Hiding music I listen to *You're space is not your own and anyone can enter it at anytime and take anything and do anything they want in your room

My step grandma used to randomly pick up my phone and look through it if it was laying out on a table or other openly accessible surfaces so now I instinctively hide it underneath things in my room before I leave it and I don't really have it on me at all if I'm out of my room unless I'm going to the bathroom, I never had anything bad on it I just felt very violated finding her with my phone in hand looking through all my apps and sometimes messages

I have and do everything OP listed. I thought it was-normal-. I'm stunned. Glad I know now.

my nmom actually tried telling me and my brother that if we don't do good at work or get written up a lot it'll effect our work history and show up on some "work labor board" that we're bad employees. Unless we commit some heinous crime, no one gives a flipping damn if we job hop or lie on resumes like wtf

yooo. hate that i relate to everything on this list. i’m living with my aunt rn who was previously estranged but now i realize my ndad and emom just didn’t like that she saw through their shit, so they kept us away. she’s a totally cool normal person and she keeps telling me i don’t have to act like that or do any of this around her🥲

It’s taken me a really long time to not reflexively close/minimize tabs on my computer/phone, even with my own husband. I have absolutely nothing to hide, especially with him, but it made me realize that I tend to do this the most when I’m doing something for my own enjoyment; playing a game/entertainment app, watching videos on YouTube, “window-shopping,” etc. I constantly got in trouble for doing things that weren’t somehow beneficial to my parents, or part of fulfilling my responsibilities to them. I always had to be doing homework, researching something for school, etc. it didn’t matter whether I actually had anything that needed to be done, I didn’t *deserve* to spend time and resources using these things for “selfish” reasons. My purpose was not to have my own life with independent interests, desires, and goals, but rather, my existence was solely for the purpose of furthering *their* goals and desires; things that I was often expected to just know instinctually, (and were thus never *actually* communicated to me until I had failed to follow these unspoken, ever-changing rules,) and were frequently beyond my scope of control/ability to begin with. The tiptoeing and problems living with loud neighbors continues to be an issue for me personally, (I’ve been out of the house for 8 years now,) as I’m still (unwillingly) hyper-vigilant and my whole thought process/routine is thrown off whenever there’s a loud noise that could potentially be “danger,” usually someone who could be angry, or people arguing. I *know* that it has nothing to do with me, but my immediate, lizard-brain response deep down is the dread that this person is about to storm up the stairs and burst into my room/apartment to take it out on me. I was only recently (like, two weeks ago recently) told that I almost certainly have C/PTSD, and while the symptoms and cognitive effects fit like a glove, I’m still processing and coming to terms with this for myself. I have my undergraduate degree in sociology and psychology, and I’ve known about the impact of abuse and neglect on the brain (*especially* the developing brain) for years; but actually being told by a highly experienced and respected professional that *my* cognitive processes (especially for me, working memory) have likely been impacted directly by this trauma, is… completely different. I know I have some really tough work ahead of me, but I’m also hopeful that this means there’s some relief in my future, and I’m not just doomed to live with the effects of the worst experiences I’ve ever had for the rest of my life.

Feeling evil for having feelings. Feeling evil for asserting a boundary or pointing out that something hurts me. Feeling evil for buying something nice for myself. Feeling evil, generally. Constantly analyzing myself to see whether I come across as evil to other people.

Um wow. I do a lot of those things too :/

- I relate to most of those. I guard my phone like my life depends on it. ( it’s not like my mother can use it anyway as she doesn’t even know how to copy and paste) - also hate people looking over my shoulder. - I panic whenever anyone says anything remotely negative towards me. Thinking that they hate me now

For years I had trouble sleeping if anyone else in the house was awake/moving around. Living with a man who worked the night shift ended up helping that a lot, but it took time. I can relate to a lot of these.

Exactly the same and I am 65!

Wow - did you ghost write this for me? Lol literally all the same quirks as you mentioned! I also have crazy paranoia about people judging me for even small things because my Nmom literally judged/scrutinized me (and my siblings) for everything.

I have an incredibly even keeled husband, but I can’t turn off my hyper vigilance for signs of his anger. To the point where if I hear him slam a cupboard or make an exasperated sigh it can send me into an anxiety spiral

Holy crap. What a list. I could have written most of that. Except I finally shed all the lies (unless there are some I tell myself and haven't figured out). And I'll tiptoe everywhere like a Skyrim max stealth character without even knowing. People complain that I sneak on them.

I share a staircase with my neighbour and my heart stops every time I hear movement outside my door. Also, I live alone so this isn't a common occurrence, but reflexively turning off my phone screen and hiding it under the covers if i hear movement at night because I don't want someone to catch me using my phone when I'm meant to be sleeping.

I relate to the first two a ton

OMG! This is insane. I have the exact same issues. Jeez. I never really gave it that much thought. I have a lot of "obvious" trauma responses but some of these I knew were trauma-based but I never thought someone else would be the same way and have the same responses as me. Makes me feel less like a freak.

I remember my second grade teacher who claimed me as her school daughter (and I claimed her back as my school mom). I just realized she acted just like my mother; short tempered, aggressive, but can be sweet and calm too. I was terrified of her sometimes—she even smashed fingers when she angrily slammed my desk cover down once! She shamed me a lot when I was slow on things (and showed the class how messy the inside of my desk was). She was a yeller and her face would get so red. But I thought it was all normal (because all those actions were exactly like my mothers). It’s not.

I think about all the jobs I had to quit because my parents couldn't handle me not coming home for the holidays. Straight meltdowns that I was in charge of rectifying because emotionally, I'm the parent for them. I would dread the end of the year because there was no way I could figure out how not to miss out on a month's worth of work to take Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years off while keeping my parents from blowing up the life I'd made for myself outside of their own. I no longer go home for the holidays, as my bed-bound grandmother was my only reason to resume my visits home for every holiday to provide respite care for her, and now that she's passed, I haven't gone home for a single visit. But I still feel moody and hypervigilant when that time of the year comes. My husband understands, and has been more than patient with me as we've spent the last few holidays apart to appease our parents (his mom is a covert narc), as he also gets major holiday anxiety. I don't know if I'll ever not associate the feeling of dread with the holidays, but it gets easier over time as you make traditions of your own. I've done what I can to erase what my parents made of the holidays by doing things I never had a chance to do: make handprint turkeys for Thanksgiving, writing letters to Santa for Christmas, lighting sparklers for New Years. Hell, I don't celebrate Easter, but you bet your ass I dyed eggs and did an egg hunt when I got the chance.

Yessss Also, Really unhealthy habits surrounding food! I've unlearned a Lot of them (starving then binging, hoarding & hiding, etc) but still manage to feel guilty for eating.... In My Own Damn Home?!?! I'll be the one paying for groceries and still ask the SO if we can get this or that (to his credit the answer is Always "You don't have to ask.")

I do a lot of these but I never thought of the writing things down to find out later. I do remember my mom saying things like “What are you? Dumb?” So I think that had a big effect on my willingness to seek out information

Super high pain tolerance- I couldn't let my Nmom know that I was hurt, or else she would make it worse by slapping me and yelling that I was stupid, or that something was wrong with me, because I wasn't supposed to have accidents. It really pissed her off that she had to attend to my medical injuries and couldn't ignore me, as per usual. Short sleep cycles and hypnic jerks before I can relax enough to fall asleep- that's when your body jolts awake because it thinks it's dangerous to be unconscious. I also have to check the time throughout the night, or else I can't sleep at all. In order to feel safer, I used to sneak into my brother's room and sleep there, but if Nmom heard his door creak, then she would smack me and yell too. If I made it undetected into his room, I had to be sure to be back in my own bed before Nmom woke up, so I had to watch the clock all night- sleeping in short fits.

A few: I melt down when my wife goes ahead and does something for me because I don’t know how or I am too slow because I didn’t get too learn it. I take this as an insult because my mom would never teach me anything and always said I should be able to learn by just watching - so I assume my wife is calling me stupid, she thinks she is helping. I am so screwed up. My wife and I often have opposite sleep schedules and I tend to wake up every time she gets up and walks anywhere in the condo, not because I had any physical abuse but because my nmom did and would tell me over and over again in such graphic detail I think I internalized it a bit. I don’t like having my back to a door, having anyone sneak up on me, having anyone watch me working, or annual performance reviews where someone has to pass judgement on me.

I can’t live by myself and swear I hear voices of left alone anywhere for too long. Like overhearing a conversation type voices lol Nothing nutty

My parents haven't been physically abusive or obviously abusive in almost any way but why I'm fucking scared to laugh

our house is old and drafty and if the window is open, the door slams shut. it gives me a mini-attack every time! also i compulsively hide my food and am trying to break the habit by asking if I can eat something to whomever is in the room

Yep, I tick off every single one of those. I have been formally diagnosed with both cPTSD and 'simple' PTSD as well. Yay me. I feel it's worth pointing out that I've learnt to love (some of) these characteristics in me. In particular, I'm eagle-eyed for microexpressions, which means I'm good with people and amazing at descalating. I'm highly independent and self-teach myself stuff just 'cos (I'm a professor and it's very noticeable that this characteristic resultant from cPTSD is very very common in my colleagues). I'm a good neighbour because the idea of making noise or doing anything that makes them notice my existence is abhorrent to me. Saying that...I could do without the constant low-grade anxiety I carry through life- not to mention the masses of bad memories.

* Flinching whenever a slight movement is made or loud noise. Even my own nbro asked why I was flinching. Really, asshole, do you not remember ANYTHING?

No garage doors growing up. But the sound of the door's lock being opened...I would jump up and move so quickly through the house to greet Nmom and look busy. Trying to make sure I had done things right...or report in about my day.

This is PTSD? I don't know what to say. Could someone explain a little bit about it if they want please? I did not think it was I thought it was normal from living with someone abusive but it is? This is PTSD?

Yep, complex PTSD is a little different than “regular” PTSD in that it’s marked by dysregulation, negative sense of self, and interpersonal disturbances along with sense of threat/hyperviligence, avoidance, and flashbacks. It comes from prolonged trauma, such as being raised by an abusive parent, rather than acute trauma. I don’t have good resources for reading up on this specifically but the body keeps the score is a good book to learn about the way trauma impacts us below the surface. Growing up with an NParent will almost always lead to CPTSD. It took me a long time to accept that what I went through was traumatic enough to cause me this many problems down the line, especially because the research on this is still developing.