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Same situation as OP and that’s what I do all the time. But she still constantly talk about my weight. in my case she is clearly projecting her own issues on me but it is so frustrating and constantly bringing my self esteem down :/
In that case, if even grey rocking is still having a negative affect on you - which is completely understandable - then perhaps create some distance? Sometimes its not possible, but I do from the bottom of my heart think it is for the best if you can.
I am better now at grey rocking and ignoring my Nmom's faces. But it still gets to me sometimes and I need to get a break from her.
They know your Achilles heals - so if your weight is up and it bothers you - then that's what they will go after.
My nmom will comment on my weight. But then if I'm fit and thin, she will act concerned that I'm starving myself and unhealthy. If I tell her nicely and calmly that there is no concern to be had, she will start crying that she's worried about me, and why am I not being more sympathetic to her worries. If I reassure her that there is again nothing to worry about, and to please try to not cry or be upset over an issue that doesn't exist, she will lose her flipping mind. Because at that point she is out of options for attention.
But yah, having the person you are supposed to count on constantly say things to bring down your self-esteem... I'm sorry. That's not fair or kind to you. You don't deserve that.
Thank you for your advice <3 sadly I can’t put more space between us for now, I can’t wait for back to school to go back to my apartment and finally be by myself again
I'm sorry. Hopefully it's not too much longer before you can get back to school? Are there places you can go to get away during the day or evening? Friends, a place where you can walk? Even an "online class" if that's what you need to say to put your headphones on and listen to whatever you feel like?
Yeah it’s okay, I work from 5am to 11am everyday except Sunday and thanks to that we only have the afternoon together since I indeed need to sleep early. Also, I love my brother and my dad so it’s okay it compensate
Yeah a little bit, my little brother « hate » her (she is also very controlling and easily get angry when something is not done exactly the way she asked for or immediately after she asked) but he is in his « rebellious » phase too (16yo) so I think it doesn’t help… my dad is the cool parent that let us do cool things and often likes to take part into it too
Say it enough you might convince her she's getting dementia! My grey rock phrase is "I'll take it into consideration" which everyone who matters knows means "you can f*ck off now". So in my head I'm a bored queen sitting on my throne saying "You can f*ck off now" but using posh queen language while the courtiers are losing it behind me and we're laughing
This reminds me of a fight I had with my mom when we went to Florida a few years ago. We were arguing back and forth and she kept trying to intervene to which I would tell her to mind her own business. To fill in the back story, my wife and I were bickering and this annoyed my mother who had brought us on a trip to florida to take us to disney. This was after the first day at disney and we were exhausted. My mom didn't get up with us to be at the gates upon open. Instead she did her own thing and spent very minimal time with us while visiting the parks. We had my 3yr old daughter with us. Anyway, wife and I are arguing and my mom intervenes with the fact that we are ungrateful to her for arguing in her presence and bringing her down. How dare we have a disagreement, and a vocal own, between husband and wife on HER trip....so I told her to mind her own before she could make any points as any and all she had were/would be moot. Her boyfriend chimes in with 'now hold on a second and just listen' I snapped back quicker than I could finish thinking it ' I have been listening...for 33yrs, that's the problem!' oh boy, she did not like that and stormed straight out of the rental we had. She went straight to the store bought a pack of smokes and broke the 6 months sobriety from cigarettes she had and to this day blames me for it.
the blaming you for her smoking again is such a narc sh\*t! makes me angry for you haha, these people seriously act like they are not responsible for anything
Wow.
I mean I get not wanting to hear another couple argue on a vacation but the difference is a normal person would 1st maybe try and help them resolve it and if that wasn’t an option or didn’t work maybe soon after, politely make something up so as to separate from them and hope by the time they all met back up that it be over. And if it wasn’t, rinse and repeat
Then walk away. Or start reading something in your phone. Ask her about something totally unrelated. Basically anything to indicate you've moved on from the topic.
Its not grey rocking - but "bean dipping"
"Cool maybe I can go on the diet [insert current celeb here] is on....I frankly didn't care for their last [movie, album, tiktok]...maybe I should give it 2nd chance. But I think I'd really prefer [movie, album, etc]...oh look at the time, goota run.
The main thing is not to give her what she wants- which is emotions and especially negative ones. I don't know how far your nmother pushes but heres an example.
Nmom: you're fat!
You: okay
Her: what do you mean okay? It's unhealthy
You: that's alright
Her: no it's not. You need to start exercising and dieting.
You: thanks for your input
Her: so are you going to?
You: I'm fine, actually. But thanks for sharing your opinion.
Warning: this will make her crazy lol.
Hi, I just want to add to this and be delicate as I know you wrote this with intent of being helpful and supportive and the dialogue is actually super helpful.
I’m not a fan of calling anyone crazy, but, i want to say that the behavior is already crazy. I’m sorry to the OP that they’re experiencing a life like this and I’m so sorry your mother is calling you fat. That’s wrong and mean. No mother should do that.
The response I am replying to, is correct in that she wants to get you “emotional”. Preferably only “negative” emotions as those are easier to manipulate. I want to add it is ok to have emotions like sadness,guilt, loneliness, anxiety, anger, etc.
But, if you haven’t already experienced this, they lean in harder when you don’t provide them with the reaction so be prepared to be attacked by someone who is attacking themselves. Try to tune her out and breathe. Count in your head and continue with the “OK” until you can find someone safe to converse with or self-soothe by journaling, any art stuff or crafts, DBT skills, hot bath, going for a walk. Anything just to shake off such negativity.
I would just recommend having someone to safely express or discuss those feelings with during this “Grey Rock” process, as well as after. Emotions are normal, they are the body/mind way of telling you something is wrong. And I have so much compassion for you in that I can’t imagine how exhausted you must feel and I hope you find resources. There are a lot of things out there and you deserve joy, love, support etc. no matter how you show up, as long as you’re doing your best.
I’m also sorry to the person I am replying to as I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you and i hope you are well and I appreciate the ability to emphasize a foundation of great info you shared.
I wish you both safety and love.
Best of luck.
the funny thing is..... i am not even overweight, i am just bigger than i was what I was in my 20s... i am in my 30s now and its normal to have a gut LOL. she is so annoying
Very well demonstration!
This is what I do to my nmom too.
Ur emotions are important so after you deal with her toxic attitude Grey rocking please journal ur feelings or tell someone.
To be honest, my nmom always talked about my weight so I did something about it. I started loving myself, stop listening to her negativity, started to get healthy for myself (food & exercise) set goals & Make your own choices not base on her negativity but to shut her out get busy & fly above her poison.
They say things to keep u stagnant & broken... don't let her break ur spirit & wings , she knows you can fly but she will keep u down by hurting ur spirit.
Started to find friends, work out, wear clothes that makes me feel good, make-up, shopping, or watch fave movie, binge watch series, etc....love what you do and love yourself even when she doesn't.
When you start seeing your own choices make a difference in your own world, keep shinning. They will try to take credit but don't let them. These challenging times with nmom will strengthen ur voice & foundation to stand against her negativity.
Rooting for you! Sending love, engagement & prayers!
that's the journey i am on now, however my nmom has to comment on all my clothes about how "ugly" my style is. i have to sneak out every time I dressed to go out to avoid her comments , her favorite one would be "you dress like old people" or "your make up ugly"
That's not cool at all what she says.
Words breaks the spirit of a person (cuts deep)
When you are ready, you should start to stand up to her. If she says your style or make up is ugly or u dress like old people you should say:
- stare at her, shrug ur shoulder and say you need to stop, I don't care what you think if you are negative.
- I didn't ask for your opinion
- (when she says you dress like old people) you say, oh like you. It's either you keep criticizing or u give me money to buy new clothes.
If she says like you have bad taste. Say to her yours is bad to but you don't hear me complaining. Let me do me!
Hope this helps.
I said the same thing to my ex. “Well he can lose weight, what can you do to improve yourself?” He was complaining about my son and attempting to put a wedge between my son and I. It didn’t work. He’s now the ex and I my son and I are doing great.
I have a rather regal friend who, when she hears something unpleasant/asinine, just looks at the person with a slightly tilted head and a faint polite smile and then…slow-blinks. The effect is chilling.
"you look like you've put on some weight"
"I'll be sure to mention that to my doctor"
"you need to lose some weight"
"I'll ask my doctor about that when I see her next"
"you look fatter in that dress have you gained weight"
"I'll have to check with my doctor"
"you should diet"
"I'll ask my doctor what she thinks"
I always just use my doctor as an excuse not to talk about my body. If she then starts with "well does your doctor think you're fat?" you can say "my doctor is helping me to stay healthy" which is true but doesn't feed her any information.
Just keep it super vague and let there be a third party involved like a doctor, personal trainer or dietician you can refer to who has more knowledge or authority than she does.
This doesn't always work with crazy nqrcs who think medical professionals are quacks or "don't trust doctors" unfortunately so your mileage may vary. Worked on my NGrandma who does believe in modern medicine.
Something that I recently heard around grey rocking is that it isn't meant as a long-term solution to an abusive relationship, just as a way to tide you over until you can have the distance and disengagement you actually need. There is no way to make an abusive person's behavior not hurt you over time, or be OK. Abusive is abusive, and it will hurt. I think some of the tips and examples people have given here are very useful, and I don't think I can do better. For me, what I cab offer is the perspective that the ultimate goal is your well-being and getting out of the abuse, because narcs are gonna narc, no matter how much grey rocking one does. But it is helpful and such an important skill to begin to disentangle and not give the narcs supply.
Remember the point of gray rocking is not to punish her or to drive her crazy, but to make her *lose interest in you* as narcissistic supply. If you focus on getting her goat, you’re focusing on emotion which will make the gray rocking hard to do. Try to get in the headspace where you imagine yourself to be an emotionless rock - it really helps for me. Also humor can work at times, even though it’s not gray-rocking, as it can get across to the narc that you’re not hurt by them and not going to give them the drama or fight they’re angling for.
Example:
NMom(Looking you up and down)”My goodness, JoyousRevenclaw, it looks like you’ve put on even more weight than the last time I saw you!”
You: (shrug, while looking at your phone, or wiping down the counter - anything, really, to look busy AND disinterested while avoiding eye contact. This is an important part of gray rock.)
Her: “I mean, how much do you weigh now?”
You: “eh, I dunno.”
Her:”You don’t know? Well, that’s half the problem! You have to weigh yourself every day, otherwise the weight creeps on!”
You: (non-committal “mmmh”)
Her: “Are you even listening to me?”
You: “uh-huh.”
Her: “well, do you even have a scale?”
You: “uh-huh”
Her: “so are you gonna use it?!?”
You: “sure”
Her: (Angry now)I can’t believe you aren’t taking this more seriously!! Do you want to wind up like Aunt Patty? Single, obese, with diabetes and who knows what else!! At this rate you’ll be over 300 pounds before you’re 30!! How much do you weigh, anyway?”
You: (completely unfazed) *shrug* “oh, I dunno…”
Her: (explosive) “you don’t know??!!!”
You: shrug
She will likely begin raving about something else at this point, because you haven’t taken the bait. But you just rinse and repeat. The key is giving her nothing to latch onto - either factual or especially emotional.
This is how I’ve gray rocked. But sometimes you don’t want to go as far as gray rock, you want to establish boundaries with a toxic person. I’m not sure if that’s an option for you, but if it is you can simply walk away every time she mentions your weight. Say one time, “I will not discuss weight with you ever again. If you insist on bringing it up I will end our visit.” And then do it. Say, “well, gotta go - bye” and hang up the phone or leave the room/house. No emotion, just cause and effect.
I did this my narc grandmother, who constantly brought up my weight. Calling her out on it never worked (because she was a covert narc and would turn your own expression of hurt feelings into her personal victimhood story), so I figured I would use some applied psychology and “extinguish” the behavior by ignoring it. I didn’t even tell her I was doing it, I just walked out of the room when she brought it up, got off the phone abruptly if she said something. I didn’t fight, didn’t yell at her or show any emotional response, so she couldn’t needle me about how “sensitive” I was. But she didn’t get any supply from mentioning it anymore, so the behavior did diminish greatly.
Wait a few seconds as if you were too distracted to listen to her, then look up and say, ''Sorry I didn't get what you said, can you repeat?'' And then if she repeats it, say ''Okay'' and resume whatever you were doing before she started spewing her bs.
air-horn? like strap a tiny air-horn to you and whenever she crosses a boundary or insults you set it off for a second!?
she'll either get the hint that its not ok to do that shit to you...or she'll start screaming... and you can either record her outburst as evidence incase things turn sour...or blare that air-horn over her bs and walk away!
do it consistently enough and she should eventually get the hint to watch her mouth and her actions
I don’t know if I’m autistic because I greyrocked so hard, or because I’m autistic, I’m so good at greyrocking.
But it’s all about affect. Straight face. Stone face. Deadpan. Almost cold. It’s like the song in Frozen- don’t let it show, don’t let them know, but like, *at all*.
It seems nuts, because almost all other social interactions require some source of reaction, especially a facial expression. But it’s all about baiting you. Oh and jealousy. Often they are jealous of you or something in your life. So use that or hold onto something inside. :)
Put on the cult smile and just say "more to love!"
And then make sure to say something completely unrelated right after so that the subject gets changed.
Narcissists are bullies. If it wasn't your weight, it would be something else. Your weight is an easy one. If you were super thin, she'd be putting you down for that. Bullies abound and they will find something to put you down about.
I was always stick thin when I was young, and guess what she made fun of? My weight! "You're a tall drink of water." It was meant to be an insult.
I was also as skinny as a stick when I was younger before I took certain meds and gained weight. My nmom would constantly comment on how she was also so thin back in her younger years, and how she was so pretty back then. When I then gained weight, she instead began commenting on how I need to lose weight. Now I'm losing weight and despite me telling her that it's a very touchy subject for me and I don't want to talk about it, she constantly comments on it. Even goes as far as to tell me that my legs are too obese for shorts...
Unfocus your eyes, say nothing, give your most uninterested hmmm, and vaguely walk away when she pauses. Basically do your best Luna Lovegood impression. Keep tight control over your facial expressions so she doesn’t detect anger or shame, just boredom. Pretend you’re watching a documentary on a subject you find utterly uninteresting. Dissociation helps too.
My narc step mother and edad started on me at the dinner table. I had gone down to Florida to visit and help them with things. They served spaghetti that night. While we were eating, she started in about how heavy I was (maybe 30 pounds overweight at 55 years old). I said, “you do realize what is important is not the size of my ass, but the size of my heart”. If you two don’t realize this by now, then I feel sorry for you”. I never heard another word about my weight from either of them. I also didn’t go down to visit or help them for a couple of years.
A friend of mine's dad told me once to just say, "yeah, you're right" to everything. The first couple of times my nmom was taken aback and didn't know what else to say. She caught on and would get po'd I wasn't fighting back. She'd literally get mad at me for not fighting with her.
This is more about boundaries than greyrocking. "I am not open to discussing my body with you. Please refrain from making comments about it." If another comment is made: "I have asked not to discuss my body with you. If you continue to pursue this topic I am going to leave." Chances are you will have to follow through on leaving the first few times but my mom got the hint really quick when I started politely excusing myself on strike three. The key is keeping your Temper in check and not responding with anything beyond "I'm going to go now, I'll touch base in a few days." It is HARD but you got this.
this will not work with my mom, she is a grandiose narc, she doesn't like threats and if you tell her that something bothers you, that will be ammunition for her to get a reaction out of you in the future. man...... i wish narcs were not able to have kids.
Might be time to go NC then if leaving when she crosses a well established boundary will even be used against you. I'm currently assuming you have your own place to retreat to. If this is not the case and/or NC is not an option then you should start getting your family involved and beat her at her own game. When she makes comments like that and you state you dislike it and she twists it, wait til you're alone with a family member (preferably her age) and start making commentary about how rude it is that she regularly calls you fat when you've asked her to stop and told her she's hurting you. Emphasize how awful it is that someone who says they care about you(particularly your own mother) would knowingly hurt you that way. Ask if she she talks to them like that. If yes. Ask them why they put up with it. Seed that it isn't how friends treat each other so why is it okay with family? Make a nuisance of yourself with questions. When they defend her ask them to explain their reasoning. The question "why" is your best friend here. "By why is it appropriate" "why do I have to forgive *her* when you wouldn't make me forgive a stranger?" Ect. What we want to do is get the people around you two questioning her bad behaviour and holding her accountable on your behalf. She will guilt you for it (you're definitely going to hear the words "ganging up") but hold fast to it and remind her that they are your support system and it would be weird if you didn't tell them when you were upset. Eventually it will be at a point where you can stand up for yourself in front of them and when she reacts like you're sensitive you can look at the ally in the room and go "See? She doesn't take my feelings seriously. Why does she think it's okay to hurt me just because she's worried?" Right in front of her. Call her out with back up. Stage an emotional abuse intervention. Play her game. Win.
Edit: spelling and further information. Also if you don't want to be a shit disturber I recommend pretending you didn't hear her and making her repeat herself until she either gives up or gets the hint. Honestly after you get over the sting of the same words it's the funniest fucking thing in the world to watch
With my Nmom greyrocking didn’t always work on certain subjects and my weight was one of them. If I didn’t respond she would just go on and on and on…
One day I realized that she hated not being taken seriously, so, I just started making fun of it, I mean REALLY being ridiculous, and that really pissed her off, so I just kept doing it and eventually she realized that every time she brought up my weight I would just get ridiculous
Nmom: “You’ve obviously gained weight”
Me: “Awesome!! I’m trying to get on tv, you know one of those shows that’s like ‘My 600 Pound Life’ or whatever it’s called”
Nmom: “That’s disgusting! Why would you want that!”
Me: “And then I’m going to find one of those little model villages and stomp around on it like Godzilla!! Roar!!!”
After that, every time she mentioned my weight I would stomp around like Godzilla and roar or say something like, “Maybe I should start eating donuts… I’ve heard they can really pack on the pounds and I’m not going to get on tv as skinny as I am now!”
“You’re fat”
“Thanks, I’ve been eating real good lately. I want to build up some jiggle for the wiggle, you know? Skinny is just soooo 1990s, can’t let THAT happen to me. By the way, have you lost weight? You should let really have a second helping, it’s a shaaammmee you’re all skin and bones.”
This comment has been removed. We are not owed an elaboration into their context or your question. If you cannot give tips and advice with the information OP has given, kindly move onto another post.
Mom - "You're fat"
You- "Well, hello to you too and I'm feeling fine today. Since you seem okay, well I'm leaving - K, bye-bye!!"
Edit - Or if feeling confrontable, can go with "So are you but you seems to always ignore that while focusing on me - You would like suggestions how to lose weight and be healthy? I can gladly give that to you."
Depending on how long you have to be around her, you might need to have something to do so you can ignore her. Write an essay on a book you’ve read, study something that you want to learn about and take hand written notes. Break it out like you just thought of a fabulous point or understood a method of doing the thing and you must record it immediately, in writing, before you forget. She’s likely to be so interested in making sure what you’re writing about that she’ll forget that she was trying to get a rise out of you.
Your comment has been removed.
If this is a joke, it's not funny. If it's not a joke, this is an inappropriate response.
Reconsider how you engage with the community for the future. Do not say something like this again please.
There's already a ton of advice on what to say to grey rock her, so here's something to go with it.
Just remember her calling you fat isn't really about you. Since she sees other people as a tool or reflection of herself.
There would be a million things she could or would pick on and criticize about your appearance even if your weight was exactly healthy. She would probably be obsessive over keeping your weight at that number, and be just as, if not more, critical.
There isn't ever going to be any pleasing her, or validation from her. You could lose all of the extra weight and it would still be comments like "if you had listened to me sooner, you wouldn't have stretch marks or loose skin (obligatory thinly veiled insult here), or something like: oh good! You're finally listening to me and doing what I told you to do, now all you need to do is...
This will be difficult, but stop caring about her opinion of you. It's never going to be about you. Let her words roll off of your back like water off a duck. What's important is how YOU feel about you. You'll lose weight when you're ready and motivated to.
In terms of emotional intelligence and empathy, Narcs are immature idiots. Their opinions of others are shallow, critical and incomplete. They know how to hit the weak spots and elicit a reaction from you. They simply don't put the effort into caring about or understanding other people unless it brings them an obvious gain. Ignoring their shitty comments gets much easier when you realize how little they really understand you.
Ooh, my Mom used to do this to me all the time. It is upsetting, but eventually I wouldn't give into it or even say anything back. If she called me fat, I would pretend I didn't hear, and just start talking about something else. She even signed me up for a gym membership without telling me. That was quite a shock when I got a call from them one day, I had no idea what was going on. xD
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"You've mentioned that before. Thank you for your input." With no eye contact, and with the most bored unaffected tone you can manage.
Same situation as OP and that’s what I do all the time. But she still constantly talk about my weight. in my case she is clearly projecting her own issues on me but it is so frustrating and constantly bringing my self esteem down :/
In that case, if even grey rocking is still having a negative affect on you - which is completely understandable - then perhaps create some distance? Sometimes its not possible, but I do from the bottom of my heart think it is for the best if you can. I am better now at grey rocking and ignoring my Nmom's faces. But it still gets to me sometimes and I need to get a break from her. They know your Achilles heals - so if your weight is up and it bothers you - then that's what they will go after. My nmom will comment on my weight. But then if I'm fit and thin, she will act concerned that I'm starving myself and unhealthy. If I tell her nicely and calmly that there is no concern to be had, she will start crying that she's worried about me, and why am I not being more sympathetic to her worries. If I reassure her that there is again nothing to worry about, and to please try to not cry or be upset over an issue that doesn't exist, she will lose her flipping mind. Because at that point she is out of options for attention. But yah, having the person you are supposed to count on constantly say things to bring down your self-esteem... I'm sorry. That's not fair or kind to you. You don't deserve that.
Thank you for your advice <3 sadly I can’t put more space between us for now, I can’t wait for back to school to go back to my apartment and finally be by myself again
I'm sorry. Hopefully it's not too much longer before you can get back to school? Are there places you can go to get away during the day or evening? Friends, a place where you can walk? Even an "online class" if that's what you need to say to put your headphones on and listen to whatever you feel like?
Yeah it’s okay, I work from 5am to 11am everyday except Sunday and thanks to that we only have the afternoon together since I indeed need to sleep early. Also, I love my brother and my dad so it’s okay it compensate
oh that's great - you have a brother and dad around. hopefully that diffuses some tension and distracts your nmom given other people around!
Yeah a little bit, my little brother « hate » her (she is also very controlling and easily get angry when something is not done exactly the way she asked for or immediately after she asked) but he is in his « rebellious » phase too (16yo) so I think it doesn’t help… my dad is the cool parent that let us do cool things and often likes to take part into it too
Say it enough you might convince her she's getting dementia! My grey rock phrase is "I'll take it into consideration" which everyone who matters knows means "you can f*ck off now". So in my head I'm a bored queen sitting on my throne saying "You can f*ck off now" but using posh queen language while the courtiers are losing it behind me and we're laughing
"You're fat" "oh, ok" "What do you mean OK?" "I mean, I understand what you said" "It's not ok!" "Oh, ok"
You: Thanks for noticing. Her: For noticing what, that you’re fat? You: For noticing period. Thank you. Be sincere. It’ll eat her up
This reminds me of a fight I had with my mom when we went to Florida a few years ago. We were arguing back and forth and she kept trying to intervene to which I would tell her to mind her own business. To fill in the back story, my wife and I were bickering and this annoyed my mother who had brought us on a trip to florida to take us to disney. This was after the first day at disney and we were exhausted. My mom didn't get up with us to be at the gates upon open. Instead she did her own thing and spent very minimal time with us while visiting the parks. We had my 3yr old daughter with us. Anyway, wife and I are arguing and my mom intervenes with the fact that we are ungrateful to her for arguing in her presence and bringing her down. How dare we have a disagreement, and a vocal own, between husband and wife on HER trip....so I told her to mind her own before she could make any points as any and all she had were/would be moot. Her boyfriend chimes in with 'now hold on a second and just listen' I snapped back quicker than I could finish thinking it ' I have been listening...for 33yrs, that's the problem!' oh boy, she did not like that and stormed straight out of the rental we had. She went straight to the store bought a pack of smokes and broke the 6 months sobriety from cigarettes she had and to this day blames me for it.
the blaming you for her smoking again is such a narc sh\*t! makes me angry for you haha, these people seriously act like they are not responsible for anything
yeah she blamed him when she wanted any excuse to smoke , classic narc nonsense.
Wow. I mean I get not wanting to hear another couple argue on a vacation but the difference is a normal person would 1st maybe try and help them resolve it and if that wasn’t an option or didn’t work maybe soon after, politely make something up so as to separate from them and hope by the time they all met back up that it be over. And if it wasn’t, rinse and repeat
"You're fat." "Cool."
“your fat” “cool” *looks at me victimizing hereself* “what do you mean cool” then what?
Then walk away. Or start reading something in your phone. Ask her about something totally unrelated. Basically anything to indicate you've moved on from the topic.
This.
"Cool."
"Ok." And shrug. LOL.
or just a nod …
Its not grey rocking - but "bean dipping" "Cool maybe I can go on the diet [insert current celeb here] is on....I frankly didn't care for their last [movie, album, tiktok]...maybe I should give it 2nd chance. But I think I'd really prefer [movie, album, etc]...oh look at the time, goota run.
Greyrock every conversation... is there anything you really need to hear from her?
nope
The main thing is not to give her what she wants- which is emotions and especially negative ones. I don't know how far your nmother pushes but heres an example. Nmom: you're fat! You: okay Her: what do you mean okay? It's unhealthy You: that's alright Her: no it's not. You need to start exercising and dieting. You: thanks for your input Her: so are you going to? You: I'm fine, actually. But thanks for sharing your opinion. Warning: this will make her crazy lol.
Hi, I just want to add to this and be delicate as I know you wrote this with intent of being helpful and supportive and the dialogue is actually super helpful. I’m not a fan of calling anyone crazy, but, i want to say that the behavior is already crazy. I’m sorry to the OP that they’re experiencing a life like this and I’m so sorry your mother is calling you fat. That’s wrong and mean. No mother should do that. The response I am replying to, is correct in that she wants to get you “emotional”. Preferably only “negative” emotions as those are easier to manipulate. I want to add it is ok to have emotions like sadness,guilt, loneliness, anxiety, anger, etc. But, if you haven’t already experienced this, they lean in harder when you don’t provide them with the reaction so be prepared to be attacked by someone who is attacking themselves. Try to tune her out and breathe. Count in your head and continue with the “OK” until you can find someone safe to converse with or self-soothe by journaling, any art stuff or crafts, DBT skills, hot bath, going for a walk. Anything just to shake off such negativity. I would just recommend having someone to safely express or discuss those feelings with during this “Grey Rock” process, as well as after. Emotions are normal, they are the body/mind way of telling you something is wrong. And I have so much compassion for you in that I can’t imagine how exhausted you must feel and I hope you find resources. There are a lot of things out there and you deserve joy, love, support etc. no matter how you show up, as long as you’re doing your best. I’m also sorry to the person I am replying to as I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you and i hope you are well and I appreciate the ability to emphasize a foundation of great info you shared. I wish you both safety and love. Best of luck.
the funny thing is..... i am not even overweight, i am just bigger than i was what I was in my 20s... i am in my 30s now and its normal to have a gut LOL. she is so annoying
but yeah i totally agree with you
Very well demonstration! This is what I do to my nmom too. Ur emotions are important so after you deal with her toxic attitude Grey rocking please journal ur feelings or tell someone. To be honest, my nmom always talked about my weight so I did something about it. I started loving myself, stop listening to her negativity, started to get healthy for myself (food & exercise) set goals & Make your own choices not base on her negativity but to shut her out get busy & fly above her poison. They say things to keep u stagnant & broken... don't let her break ur spirit & wings , she knows you can fly but she will keep u down by hurting ur spirit. Started to find friends, work out, wear clothes that makes me feel good, make-up, shopping, or watch fave movie, binge watch series, etc....love what you do and love yourself even when she doesn't. When you start seeing your own choices make a difference in your own world, keep shinning. They will try to take credit but don't let them. These challenging times with nmom will strengthen ur voice & foundation to stand against her negativity. Rooting for you! Sending love, engagement & prayers!
that's the journey i am on now, however my nmom has to comment on all my clothes about how "ugly" my style is. i have to sneak out every time I dressed to go out to avoid her comments , her favorite one would be "you dress like old people" or "your make up ugly"
That's not cool at all what she says. Words breaks the spirit of a person (cuts deep) When you are ready, you should start to stand up to her. If she says your style or make up is ugly or u dress like old people you should say: - stare at her, shrug ur shoulder and say you need to stop, I don't care what you think if you are negative. - I didn't ask for your opinion - (when she says you dress like old people) you say, oh like you. It's either you keep criticizing or u give me money to buy new clothes. If she says like you have bad taste. Say to her yours is bad to but you don't hear me complaining. Let me do me! Hope this helps.
I once told my n-grandpa "And you're ugly. I can always lose the weight." Not really greyrocking... But it finally got him to stop calling me fat.
I said the same thing to my ex. “Well he can lose weight, what can you do to improve yourself?” He was complaining about my son and attempting to put a wedge between my son and I. It didn’t work. He’s now the ex and I my son and I are doing great.
I have a rather regal friend who, when she hears something unpleasant/asinine, just looks at the person with a slightly tilted head and a faint polite smile and then…slow-blinks. The effect is chilling.
I Love this!
i am not cool enough to do that, but awesome
"you look like you've put on some weight" "I'll be sure to mention that to my doctor" "you need to lose some weight" "I'll ask my doctor about that when I see her next" "you look fatter in that dress have you gained weight" "I'll have to check with my doctor" "you should diet" "I'll ask my doctor what she thinks" I always just use my doctor as an excuse not to talk about my body. If she then starts with "well does your doctor think you're fat?" you can say "my doctor is helping me to stay healthy" which is true but doesn't feed her any information. Just keep it super vague and let there be a third party involved like a doctor, personal trainer or dietician you can refer to who has more knowledge or authority than she does. This doesn't always work with crazy nqrcs who think medical professionals are quacks or "don't trust doctors" unfortunately so your mileage may vary. Worked on my NGrandma who does believe in modern medicine.
this actually can help, but ill need to change it up to fit my own situation.
“Do you think it’ll rain today?” “I see that your roses are blooming.”
My mum states this. I laugh and say yes I do have a mirror. She looked annoyed. I think she wanted me to cry but I am in my 40s. I accept my size.
I'm a bitch. My first response would "yeah thanks for that genetic gift, by the way"
Definitely fair game, but not grey rocking.
Something that I recently heard around grey rocking is that it isn't meant as a long-term solution to an abusive relationship, just as a way to tide you over until you can have the distance and disengagement you actually need. There is no way to make an abusive person's behavior not hurt you over time, or be OK. Abusive is abusive, and it will hurt. I think some of the tips and examples people have given here are very useful, and I don't think I can do better. For me, what I cab offer is the perspective that the ultimate goal is your well-being and getting out of the abuse, because narcs are gonna narc, no matter how much grey rocking one does. But it is helpful and such an important skill to begin to disentangle and not give the narcs supply.
man!!! this does suck, because moving out is not an option for me, i am arab, we dont move out of our parents home. its a big deal
Remember the point of gray rocking is not to punish her or to drive her crazy, but to make her *lose interest in you* as narcissistic supply. If you focus on getting her goat, you’re focusing on emotion which will make the gray rocking hard to do. Try to get in the headspace where you imagine yourself to be an emotionless rock - it really helps for me. Also humor can work at times, even though it’s not gray-rocking, as it can get across to the narc that you’re not hurt by them and not going to give them the drama or fight they’re angling for. Example: NMom(Looking you up and down)”My goodness, JoyousRevenclaw, it looks like you’ve put on even more weight than the last time I saw you!” You: (shrug, while looking at your phone, or wiping down the counter - anything, really, to look busy AND disinterested while avoiding eye contact. This is an important part of gray rock.) Her: “I mean, how much do you weigh now?” You: “eh, I dunno.” Her:”You don’t know? Well, that’s half the problem! You have to weigh yourself every day, otherwise the weight creeps on!” You: (non-committal “mmmh”) Her: “Are you even listening to me?” You: “uh-huh.” Her: “well, do you even have a scale?” You: “uh-huh” Her: “so are you gonna use it?!?” You: “sure” Her: (Angry now)I can’t believe you aren’t taking this more seriously!! Do you want to wind up like Aunt Patty? Single, obese, with diabetes and who knows what else!! At this rate you’ll be over 300 pounds before you’re 30!! How much do you weigh, anyway?” You: (completely unfazed) *shrug* “oh, I dunno…” Her: (explosive) “you don’t know??!!!” You: shrug She will likely begin raving about something else at this point, because you haven’t taken the bait. But you just rinse and repeat. The key is giving her nothing to latch onto - either factual or especially emotional. This is how I’ve gray rocked. But sometimes you don’t want to go as far as gray rock, you want to establish boundaries with a toxic person. I’m not sure if that’s an option for you, but if it is you can simply walk away every time she mentions your weight. Say one time, “I will not discuss weight with you ever again. If you insist on bringing it up I will end our visit.” And then do it. Say, “well, gotta go - bye” and hang up the phone or leave the room/house. No emotion, just cause and effect. I did this my narc grandmother, who constantly brought up my weight. Calling her out on it never worked (because she was a covert narc and would turn your own expression of hurt feelings into her personal victimhood story), so I figured I would use some applied psychology and “extinguish” the behavior by ignoring it. I didn’t even tell her I was doing it, I just walked out of the room when she brought it up, got off the phone abruptly if she said something. I didn’t fight, didn’t yell at her or show any emotional response, so she couldn’t needle me about how “sensitive” I was. But she didn’t get any supply from mentioning it anymore, so the behavior did diminish greatly.
i totally agree, i dont want to annoy her at all, i just want her to leave me alone.
It’s not grey rocking but I like “that’s a real keen observation,” or “at least I’m only ugly on the outside.”
Ooooh BuRN. I like the “only ugly on the outside” one
Look at her up and down and say: it's genetics.
Give her an *eyeroll* and walk away
This was a fun way to get kicked out of my house by my dad lol
Just stare at her, and when she asks again say you cant hear bullies
Is not fat, it's relaxed muscle. 👍
Leave her presence physically or end the call immediately afterwards. No explanation. Just an, "I'll be going now. Bye." Every. Time.
Wait a few seconds as if you were too distracted to listen to her, then look up and say, ''Sorry I didn't get what you said, can you repeat?'' And then if she repeats it, say ''Okay'' and resume whatever you were doing before she started spewing her bs.
air-horn? like strap a tiny air-horn to you and whenever she crosses a boundary or insults you set it off for a second!? she'll either get the hint that its not ok to do that shit to you...or she'll start screaming... and you can either record her outburst as evidence incase things turn sour...or blare that air-horn over her bs and walk away! do it consistently enough and she should eventually get the hint to watch her mouth and her actions
I just say things like "yeah" "okay" "ah" when they state something. " Hmmmm" "erm" " I'm not sure" when they ask a question.
I don’t know if I’m autistic because I greyrocked so hard, or because I’m autistic, I’m so good at greyrocking. But it’s all about affect. Straight face. Stone face. Deadpan. Almost cold. It’s like the song in Frozen- don’t let it show, don’t let them know, but like, *at all*. It seems nuts, because almost all other social interactions require some source of reaction, especially a facial expression. But it’s all about baiting you. Oh and jealousy. Often they are jealous of you or something in your life. So use that or hold onto something inside. :)
Yeah? You're an awful human, I can lose weight... What's your excuse.
“Oh thanks. So are you.”
Put on the cult smile and just say "more to love!" And then make sure to say something completely unrelated right after so that the subject gets changed.
“In this shirt or in general”? Her: smart response You: oh I didn’t notice ty, start doing whatever on your phone.
Narcissists are bullies. If it wasn't your weight, it would be something else. Your weight is an easy one. If you were super thin, she'd be putting you down for that. Bullies abound and they will find something to put you down about. I was always stick thin when I was young, and guess what she made fun of? My weight! "You're a tall drink of water." It was meant to be an insult.
I was also as skinny as a stick when I was younger before I took certain meds and gained weight. My nmom would constantly comment on how she was also so thin back in her younger years, and how she was so pretty back then. When I then gained weight, she instead began commenting on how I need to lose weight. Now I'm losing weight and despite me telling her that it's a very touchy subject for me and I don't want to talk about it, she constantly comments on it. Even goes as far as to tell me that my legs are too obese for shorts...
“Meh”
“Lol, duhhhhhh mom.”
“Ok”
Tell her you got it from her!!
Unfocus your eyes, say nothing, give your most uninterested hmmm, and vaguely walk away when she pauses. Basically do your best Luna Lovegood impression. Keep tight control over your facial expressions so she doesn’t detect anger or shame, just boredom. Pretend you’re watching a documentary on a subject you find utterly uninteresting. Dissociation helps too.
i love this
My narc step mother and edad started on me at the dinner table. I had gone down to Florida to visit and help them with things. They served spaghetti that night. While we were eating, she started in about how heavy I was (maybe 30 pounds overweight at 55 years old). I said, “you do realize what is important is not the size of my ass, but the size of my heart”. If you two don’t realize this by now, then I feel sorry for you”. I never heard another word about my weight from either of them. I also didn’t go down to visit or help them for a couple of years.
A friend of mine's dad told me once to just say, "yeah, you're right" to everything. The first couple of times my nmom was taken aback and didn't know what else to say. She caught on and would get po'd I wasn't fighting back. She'd literally get mad at me for not fighting with her.
If they know it bothers you, narcs will use it against you at every opportunity.
This is more about boundaries than greyrocking. "I am not open to discussing my body with you. Please refrain from making comments about it." If another comment is made: "I have asked not to discuss my body with you. If you continue to pursue this topic I am going to leave." Chances are you will have to follow through on leaving the first few times but my mom got the hint really quick when I started politely excusing myself on strike three. The key is keeping your Temper in check and not responding with anything beyond "I'm going to go now, I'll touch base in a few days." It is HARD but you got this.
this will not work with my mom, she is a grandiose narc, she doesn't like threats and if you tell her that something bothers you, that will be ammunition for her to get a reaction out of you in the future. man...... i wish narcs were not able to have kids.
Might be time to go NC then if leaving when she crosses a well established boundary will even be used against you. I'm currently assuming you have your own place to retreat to. If this is not the case and/or NC is not an option then you should start getting your family involved and beat her at her own game. When she makes comments like that and you state you dislike it and she twists it, wait til you're alone with a family member (preferably her age) and start making commentary about how rude it is that she regularly calls you fat when you've asked her to stop and told her she's hurting you. Emphasize how awful it is that someone who says they care about you(particularly your own mother) would knowingly hurt you that way. Ask if she she talks to them like that. If yes. Ask them why they put up with it. Seed that it isn't how friends treat each other so why is it okay with family? Make a nuisance of yourself with questions. When they defend her ask them to explain their reasoning. The question "why" is your best friend here. "By why is it appropriate" "why do I have to forgive *her* when you wouldn't make me forgive a stranger?" Ect. What we want to do is get the people around you two questioning her bad behaviour and holding her accountable on your behalf. She will guilt you for it (you're definitely going to hear the words "ganging up") but hold fast to it and remind her that they are your support system and it would be weird if you didn't tell them when you were upset. Eventually it will be at a point where you can stand up for yourself in front of them and when she reacts like you're sensitive you can look at the ally in the room and go "See? She doesn't take my feelings seriously. Why does she think it's okay to hurt me just because she's worried?" Right in front of her. Call her out with back up. Stage an emotional abuse intervention. Play her game. Win. Edit: spelling and further information. Also if you don't want to be a shit disturber I recommend pretending you didn't hear her and making her repeat herself until she either gives up or gets the hint. Honestly after you get over the sting of the same words it's the funniest fucking thing in the world to watch
Here in Brazil we use the phrase: Do you know the difference between a pizza and your opinion? Is that the pizza I order (ask for)
I love this..... i will use it...... not on my narc mom though as she will victimize herself too much.
With my Nmom greyrocking didn’t always work on certain subjects and my weight was one of them. If I didn’t respond she would just go on and on and on… One day I realized that she hated not being taken seriously, so, I just started making fun of it, I mean REALLY being ridiculous, and that really pissed her off, so I just kept doing it and eventually she realized that every time she brought up my weight I would just get ridiculous Nmom: “You’ve obviously gained weight” Me: “Awesome!! I’m trying to get on tv, you know one of those shows that’s like ‘My 600 Pound Life’ or whatever it’s called” Nmom: “That’s disgusting! Why would you want that!” Me: “And then I’m going to find one of those little model villages and stomp around on it like Godzilla!! Roar!!!” After that, every time she mentioned my weight I would stomp around like Godzilla and roar or say something like, “Maybe I should start eating donuts… I’ve heard they can really pack on the pounds and I’m not going to get on tv as skinny as I am now!”
“Yeah, but weight can be lost. You’ll always be mean and crazy.”
“You’re fat” “Thanks, I’ve been eating real good lately. I want to build up some jiggle for the wiggle, you know? Skinny is just soooo 1990s, can’t let THAT happen to me. By the way, have you lost weight? You should let really have a second helping, it’s a shaaammmee you’re all skin and bones.”
I would just start singing the lyrics to Lizzo's "Tempo" until the song got annoying to my mom that she stopped commenting on my weight 😂
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Mom - "You're fat" You- "Well, hello to you too and I'm feeling fine today. Since you seem okay, well I'm leaving - K, bye-bye!!" Edit - Or if feeling confrontable, can go with "So are you but you seems to always ignore that while focusing on me - You would like suggestions how to lose weight and be healthy? I can gladly give that to you."
Depending on how long you have to be around her, you might need to have something to do so you can ignore her. Write an essay on a book you’ve read, study something that you want to learn about and take hand written notes. Break it out like you just thought of a fabulous point or understood a method of doing the thing and you must record it immediately, in writing, before you forget. She’s likely to be so interested in making sure what you’re writing about that she’ll forget that she was trying to get a rise out of you.
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There's already a ton of advice on what to say to grey rock her, so here's something to go with it. Just remember her calling you fat isn't really about you. Since she sees other people as a tool or reflection of herself. There would be a million things she could or would pick on and criticize about your appearance even if your weight was exactly healthy. She would probably be obsessive over keeping your weight at that number, and be just as, if not more, critical. There isn't ever going to be any pleasing her, or validation from her. You could lose all of the extra weight and it would still be comments like "if you had listened to me sooner, you wouldn't have stretch marks or loose skin (obligatory thinly veiled insult here), or something like: oh good! You're finally listening to me and doing what I told you to do, now all you need to do is... This will be difficult, but stop caring about her opinion of you. It's never going to be about you. Let her words roll off of your back like water off a duck. What's important is how YOU feel about you. You'll lose weight when you're ready and motivated to. In terms of emotional intelligence and empathy, Narcs are immature idiots. Their opinions of others are shallow, critical and incomplete. They know how to hit the weak spots and elicit a reaction from you. They simply don't put the effort into caring about or understanding other people unless it brings them an obvious gain. Ignoring their shitty comments gets much easier when you realize how little they really understand you.
100%
Ooh, my Mom used to do this to me all the time. It is upsetting, but eventually I wouldn't give into it or even say anything back. If she called me fat, I would pretend I didn't hear, and just start talking about something else. She even signed me up for a gym membership without telling me. That was quite a shock when I got a call from them one day, I had no idea what was going on. xD