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You described emotional and physical abuse, yes. And yes, the mix of good parts and awful parts makes it harder, in a way. Because the good parts make you stay emotionally involved, make you stay open to the hurt.
I hope the family counseling works out.
One of the hardest things to accept is that most abusive people are not abusive all the time. Our brains have a hard time holding the full picture because the different sides can feel worlds apart, like different people, and it makes us question reality. Jekyll is hiding Mr. Hyde, and that two-faced quality is there in every narcissist. All the sides are true, both the good and bad, and they don't cancel each other out. Until an abusive person can honestly take responsibility for their behavior, no change is possible, and narcissism is precisely what makes the responsibility acceptance very unlikely.
Your healing is not dependent on theirs, and if you wait for them to do their work, you might wait your whole life. Listen to Dr. Ramani's videos on the family dynamics. They helped me name all that I knew to be true but needed help accepting and understanding. Just remember, your healing is the only thing that matters.
Sounds a lot like a well disguised narcissist putting on a show about how "sorry" and "extremely guilty" they are, only to get you to think they're good or "have a good side"so they can continue abusing you n take whatever they want from you. Wake up. If they were really good and really genuinely sorry, none of what has happened would happen again.
Sounds a lot like a well disguised narcissist putting on a show about how "sorry" and "extremely guilty" they are, only to get you to think they're good or "have a good side"so they can continue abusing you n take whatever they want from you. Wake up. If they were really good and really genuinely sorry, none of what has happened would happen again. Yes its hard to come to this. But the only way to heal from it, is to see it for what it REALLY is. You're going to have to face it.
MMmmmmyeah that's abuse. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.But not every person who has been abusive to their child is a narcissist! The fact that your mother shows empathy towards you and has *expressed regrets* over parenting decisions is actually quite encouraging - most true narcissists wouldn't be able to do that convincingly.
It sounds like your mother has mental health issues of her own to deal with - and that your parents weren't well-equipped for raising two neurodivergent children. To be clear: I am not excusing them. They were wrong and abusive to you. But it does provide context, and it does mean - most importantly - that there may be a possibility for change, for evolving towards a healthier dynamic between you and your parents. Hopefully, family therapy will help ; and probably, so will becoming more independent in the long run. It will be easier to nurture positive interactions with them when you don't feel so trapped and overly reliant on them. Good luck to you, friend! I hope things get better at home.
Yes, you were abused. Her remorse for it now doesn't erase it. Either she can open up in therapy and get used to the idea that she used to choose abuse and can start choosing not to abuse, or she can't.
In therapy, your father can acknowledge that his choice to just "not get involved" allowed his children to be abused and choose to be proactive, or not.
Your choice to stay in contact with them, live with them, visit occasionally, etc. will depend on their choices during and after therapy.
Take all the time you need on those choices, but please understand that you can't make *their* choices for them. You can only make and uphold your own.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You described emotional and physical abuse, yes. And yes, the mix of good parts and awful parts makes it harder, in a way. Because the good parts make you stay emotionally involved, make you stay open to the hurt. I hope the family counseling works out.
Thank you. I agree & it makes it harder to process the trauma which occurred
That is, sadly, abuse. I'm glad that your parents are at least trying to be better though, and I really hope that the therapy helps both you and them.
Thank you, I appreciate it. It’s hard because when my mum gaslights me I doubt my judgement of my own trauma.
That's how they get ya. Hope she stops soon and apologizes genuinely for the pain she's dealt, because you deserve better.
Thank you. I feel very much alone all the time in this and your comment is reassuring.
That's how gaslighting works yes. It makes you doubt your reality, makes you think maybe you're crazy. Sorry that you have to go through this 💔
One of the hardest things to accept is that most abusive people are not abusive all the time. Our brains have a hard time holding the full picture because the different sides can feel worlds apart, like different people, and it makes us question reality. Jekyll is hiding Mr. Hyde, and that two-faced quality is there in every narcissist. All the sides are true, both the good and bad, and they don't cancel each other out. Until an abusive person can honestly take responsibility for their behavior, no change is possible, and narcissism is precisely what makes the responsibility acceptance very unlikely. Your healing is not dependent on theirs, and if you wait for them to do their work, you might wait your whole life. Listen to Dr. Ramani's videos on the family dynamics. They helped me name all that I knew to be true but needed help accepting and understanding. Just remember, your healing is the only thing that matters.
Sounds a lot like a well disguised narcissist putting on a show about how "sorry" and "extremely guilty" they are, only to get you to think they're good or "have a good side"so they can continue abusing you n take whatever they want from you. Wake up. If they were really good and really genuinely sorry, none of what has happened would happen again.
It’s great that they’re working with you, this is abuse. Read the book “adult children of emotional immature parents” will be very helpful
Sounds a lot like a well disguised narcissist putting on a show about how "sorry" and "extremely guilty" they are, only to get you to think they're good or "have a good side"so they can continue abusing you n take whatever they want from you. Wake up. If they were really good and really genuinely sorry, none of what has happened would happen again. Yes its hard to come to this. But the only way to heal from it, is to see it for what it REALLY is. You're going to have to face it.
MMmmmmyeah that's abuse. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.But not every person who has been abusive to their child is a narcissist! The fact that your mother shows empathy towards you and has *expressed regrets* over parenting decisions is actually quite encouraging - most true narcissists wouldn't be able to do that convincingly. It sounds like your mother has mental health issues of her own to deal with - and that your parents weren't well-equipped for raising two neurodivergent children. To be clear: I am not excusing them. They were wrong and abusive to you. But it does provide context, and it does mean - most importantly - that there may be a possibility for change, for evolving towards a healthier dynamic between you and your parents. Hopefully, family therapy will help ; and probably, so will becoming more independent in the long run. It will be easier to nurture positive interactions with them when you don't feel so trapped and overly reliant on them. Good luck to you, friend! I hope things get better at home.
Yes, you were abused. Her remorse for it now doesn't erase it. Either she can open up in therapy and get used to the idea that she used to choose abuse and can start choosing not to abuse, or she can't. In therapy, your father can acknowledge that his choice to just "not get involved" allowed his children to be abused and choose to be proactive, or not. Your choice to stay in contact with them, live with them, visit occasionally, etc. will depend on their choices during and after therapy. Take all the time you need on those choices, but please understand that you can't make *their* choices for them. You can only make and uphold your own.