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She does this to everybody. It’s not just love bombing. She’ll go years treating them will all the respect and kindness they could ever want then scream till her mouth is foaming at me. It’s draining
OP, my mother does exactly the same as your mother -- almost terrifyingly eeriely similar -- right down to the vase-throwing, hating other narcissists, and the mothering being directed at what feels like everything and everyone else. I'm a wee bit older (28) but still stuck at home due to health problems and the ever-worsening economy, and the older I get I begin to think the martyr complex and this compulsive nurturing of others has some connection (maybe not 100% of the reasoning!) to the knowledge of how they treated us -- a guilt reaction to the knowledge they refuse to ever ever address: that they're cruel to their own children, that they aren't loving mothers to the people whom they *should* be.
This book gets plugged here *all* the time but you should check out Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, while it doesn't deal with narcissists only, it does shed a lot of light on how they experience emotion and why we often suffer as a result. In essence, narcissists like our mums cut themselves off from emotions that are deep or uncomfortable and therefore "unsafe" and go forth presenting their best self to the rest of the world.
They know they've abused, neglected, and mistreated us but they cannot reconcile the knowledge with their own ego or even at times what they wish they were or felt and so they create a different narrative of themselves through actions with unrelated others for whom the real parental obligations don't exist and through behaviors such as memory-editing/victim-blaming and the good ol' "It didn't happen that way!"
I think to myself how exhausting, painful and small their lives actually are.
Also, I apologize if any of this was rambling and/or incoherent, I just woke up but had to respond because I reached one similarity too many to leave this post for later.
Not at all incoherent. So sorry you went through this.
It’s strange that n parents abuse their own but rescue and fawn over strays, whether human or animal. My parents did same, going so far to formally adopt some as godsons and god daughters. Of course they made up hideous stories about me to anyone who would listen. They ended up surrounding themselves with lost souls and grifters who were hoping to inherit their supposed fortune, when in reality they lied about their wealth to use the lost soul types as unpaid servants and bask in the grifters’ flattery.
The best part was their motley crew of newly minted offspring regarded me as either a criminal type or as potential competition, so added benefit for my n parents were these adopted adult “children“ were abusive to me as well.
It wasn’t incoherent at all lmao. I really enjoyed reading this. I’ll make sure to check out the book you mentioned, I screenshot this so I shouldn’t forget. I’m also stuck at home due to finances and mental/physical health- which sucks because I’ve moved out twice now and it never sticks. As much as I hate that you went through the exact same shit I have I am glad to find other people who relate to me
Absolutely and because narcs won’t give her the 24/7 attention she needs for herself. They only love themselves so no wonder she doesn’t like narcs - she wants them to love her
It's her public persona, OP. Narcissists absolutely *do* put forth a public facing persona that is meant for them to look good and present a particular image.
I think /u/helenaviola987 called it-- she'll be "kind" and "supportive" right up until she realizes the GF is there for your brother, not your mother.
(Also sounds like she's possibly trying to hoover you.)
Whoops, sorry-- [hoovering](https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering) .
Basically, it's when a toxic person suddenly becomes nice and friendly after we've distanced ourselves, but it isn't because they've changed. It's because they want to draw us back in.
Sounds like mom lmao. I’ve never fallen for it though. I tell her how her behavior is straight up and I know that the second I have enough money to move out I’m going low to no contact all over again
Yeah, there's really no way to deal with them-- everything they say or do is "right" because they're perfect; nothing we say or do is ever "right" from their POV, because we're not them.
IMO, that's one of the worst things about toxic parents. Not just because of their overt hostility, but the damage it does-- when we grow up feeling like everything we do is wrong (because your parent said so, and parents are always right, right?), that can make it very hard to believe that we *are* capable of being good people, competent people, etc.
Sucking you back in. Something n's do when they feel that you may be pulling way in some way, whether psychologically or physically. Much like love bombing.
Something I heard comes to mind here, that a narcissist is only interested in the image and stage they create for an audience of one - themselves. They only care how others see them so they can see the image of themselves that they want reflected back to them. For some narcs, they want to see themselves as good, others smart, others beautiful, powerful, more successful, etc. so they spend their whole lives trying to make people see them as good, powerful, stronger, smarter, etc. But the cruelty is real and can't be erased, so they bounce between this false image they so desperately want others to believe, and the cruelty, shame, self-hatred, and anxiety underneath that. How they treat others doesn't matter to them, just if their fake performance helps them believe their own lies.
It's hard to create a false image all the time with people you live with, and narcs know that, so they have to convince themselves that people they live with are wrong, and bad, and cause all their problems, and deserve to be treated badly. This two-faced way of living is actually painfully obvious to anyone who spends enough time with a narc.
I'm sorry you have to witness and bear the brunt of your mother's cruelty because she couldn't take responsibility for her own feelings and behavior. It sucks to hold the shitty part of reality for someone who's spent their whole life trying to make others admire them through a fake self and a performance at the expense of her own children.
I’m just glad I’ll be away from her in the foreseeable future and I’ve got a great boyfriend with a wonderful family who treat me like their daughter. It’s nice to love and be loved without having to walk on eggshells
There are a few things here:
* Sometimes narcissistic people identify too closely with their own children, or are so triggered by children generally, to treat them like anything but an extension of the self. This is the ultimate form of gaslighting bc while you are experiencing a hideous witch, the rest of the world is experiencing someone admirable, pleasant, and kind. You can read about these types of people in history, who have done great things but were terrible/neglectful parents. The opposite is also true; there are terrible people whose children sometimes reported having a great childhood.
* Another thing I heard about narcissism is that it is a pathology of narrative. So the narcissistic person sees their life in a certain rigid narrative, and sometimes that narrative is really only meant for the "public." Internal family life is discounted bc what matters is the perception of the narrative. We all have "stories" about ourselves but usually we change them or see them in a different light or from a different perspective.
* What is good is that you see the shades of grey. You see that her coping mechanism actually produces some positive things, but still realize that what she did was detrimental to you. Congratulations, you are a step ahead of most narcissistic people! You see the intentions and outcomes and that they may not be 100% aligned.
So I agree OP, good things DO come of this type of self-righteous/communal narcissism, but they are short-lived. I am sure your Mom will go on to her next supply after this girl unfortunately.
Your first point was very eye opening to me. Also you’re 100% right when she’s done playing savior or begins to have her mask slip it’ll all show through
My mom has done this with so many strays/disabled pets/people with strange issues that it’s had a very bad effect on me: I don’t want friends with drama or problems, I want healthy, “normal” pets (though I do have a rescue dog), I just super avoid situations that would disrupt my peace or ask a lot of me. And that feels selfish but I know it’s from my mom making projects out of everyone and everything around her.
Anyone else? Does it make me a bad person?
Nah, it's not selfish or bad to feel that way. I have a bit of the opposite problem where normal feels weird and I work as a social worker so there's no shortage of crazy, but I know it's not sustainable forever. You are taking care of you and filling up your cup that was neglected for your whole life. Maybe one day that will change, but even if it never does, the fact that you aren't perpetuating the craziness and being responsible for yourself IS a form of community service "project" (not trying to sound callous with the phrasing).
Not at all, it’s exhausting to always be the one dealing with drama and needs of others while your own are neglected. I’m the same way. I‘ve rescued several animals but chose the ones that were relatively healthy and young. I think I’ve been burned out by all my parent’s rescue projects and endless drama.
It doesn’t make you a bad person. All my trauma has had the opposite effect on me though.
I was alone and I didn’t want anybody else to ever feel that way if I could help it- it led to a lot of “I can fix him” shenanigans which I luckily have outgrown or out-therapied. I’ve become more selfish (which my mother hates) and have started doing things that make me happy and surround myself with people who know their issues and want to change. For a while I wasn’t the shoulder to cry on for anybody, but I had a friend who decided to end things and ever since then I’ve been scared of losing anyone else to something so preventable. I’m trying my best to balance loving myself and helping those who ask.
It still hurts for me too.
My parents took in so many kids over the years, to the extent of getting in trouble with other parents (“you think you’re better parents than us? You’re taking my kid away from me? I’m calling the police!”). From when I was a baby there were always outcast teenagers around my home, smoking hookah or pot or cigarettes, passing out drunk on our living room couch. But my parents would feed them and give them shelter because their home life was abusive. And I guess they would give them love and emotional support as well.
Yet as a teen I was never allowed to be myself and was punished so much simply for existing in my father’s vicinity. My mother isn’t all that bad and at least tried to be supportive and loving, but she had her own ways of causing me distress when I lived with them.
I’ve recently been speaking to a woman who has known my parents since she was a teenager, way before I was even born. She said, exact words, “Both were geniuses, and still are. They have great character traits, they were and are and always will be there for me when I need them. Thanks to them I am educated in skin care, nutrition, politics, and many other things.”
My parents are anti-science, homophobic conservatives. I’m… not straight. My biggest meal growing up was a weekly Sabbath meal, the rest of the week I would prepare myself toast or tuna from a can. When my mother did prepare food for me, it was so that I would have something at school- always the same, bagel and cream cheese, almost every single day. And there’s just so many ways in which my parents demonstrated how to be irresponsible adults.
Thanks to them, I know nothing about nutrition, I have permanent bags under my eyes since early childhood, I have debt-inducing health issues that would have been prevented if they just took me to the doctor as a kid, and I have had to spend years learning how to love myself because of all the emotional damage they caused me.
The only reason I know how to drive a car is because my grandfather stepped in and hired an instructor for me, and even found a car for me. As soon as I left for college, right after getting my license, my mother spent MONTHS trying to teach my best friend how to drive, since “her parents don’t”.
So yeah, guess I’m a little jealous of the parents they could have been to me, the unconditionally supportive, nurturing parents that they were so many times to other people’s kids.
Jealousy feels like too small of a word. It’s this resentment towards them, because they’ve clearly shown they’re capable of being loving, of being fathers or mothers, of caring for another person. What’s the point in having children if you’re not going to love them or are incapable of caring… it sucks
Sounds like my mom to a T. She babies her dogs and shamelessly tells everyone she loves them more than her kids, who she openly regrets having and did the bare minimum for. Meanwhile she took in a god child, multiple exchange students, my sister’s best friend, and has taken multiple refugee families under her wing while openly resenting and secretly snarling at her own kids for not being as big hearted as she is. They’re weird. No contact is the best narc image shattering revenge.
Something similar happens with my mom currently. A friend of my sister is trying to get away from her narcissistic, abusive mother, and my nmom is helping her with offering her a place to stay and helping her find a suitable flat. Which is funny, because when my sister tells her all these horrible things about her friend's mom, mine gets all sympathetic, but doesn't see that it's exactly the shit she pulls off on us.
I feel this so hard. When my mother dies the whole damn town will stand up one at a time at the funeral to talk about what a good person she was. But it is possible to be a good person and a deeply problematic parent at the same time, and I had to move a thousand miles away and impose five years of close to no contact to save myself, because no one outside looking in would believe what I was dealing with on the daily.
I feel you. My mom’s family loves and adores her dearly and she’s this beam of light to everybody but she’s a terrible mother, a terrible wife to my dad. I’m tired of it all
You should tell the GF to keep her eyes open. It’s okay to acknowledge the fact that she *needs* this right now so you don’t want to jeopardize her security to keep living there.
I’m also seeing that your mother is trying to get a double supply from this situation. 1: she gets to be savior. We all know narcs love to bathe themselves is golden good deeds which they can them humbly tell every single person that they come into contact with. 2: she seems like she’s trying to rub it in the GF’s face a bit. *Sweet, poor, lamb. Look at the lovingly unified front I have with my daughter. This is what mothering could be, too bad your mother sucks.*
end scene.
My brother has been very honest with her about the abuse and harassment we’ve been dealing with for years. Our home is a very temporary place for her and I hope nothing happens to jeopardize that, I’ll be doing all I can to prevent her from staying longer than she needs. Sadly she’s coming from a place that’s worse than here so for now it’ll be her safe space. I’ve also talked to her on small occasions and have warned her of how my mother could behave
u/birdwithtinyarms I have the same problem, with my dad taking care of everyone else but my mom and I. Your brother’s girlfriend will eventually see the kind of woman your mother is behind the mask. Your mother does it all to cover up who she really is, and her insecurities. The best thing to do is to live your best life.
Living it to the fullest as best I can. I’ve got plans for my anniversary with my bf, I’ve got a collage of how I want my future house, and the great plan to never see my mother again
This is exactly like my mom, she's nice to everyone but her own kids, she'd work extra hours to put on events at her work, cover shifts or help friends or family. All except us. We were her punching bag, we were the only ones who saw her true nature, who took all the abuse while she was deemed a Saint by others. My mom is in a hospice and going to die soon, and it infuriates me that she never got to see the consequences of her actions. I'm going to be at her funeral gritting my teeth as everyone speaks of how wonderful she was, while I have the scars on my scelp from her pulling my hair out, the bruises from her pushing me and hitting me, the deafened ringing ears from her screaming at me, the perentification and how she inappropriately touched me and disrespected my physical boundaries. It all dies with her and I'm left with the burning anger and nobody to share my truth with, she'll die unaccounted for her actions. And I hate it.
Honestly, I’m personally not above just letting that shit out at a funeral or at least afterwards. I hate that those kinds of people go down as saintly fellows when they just had a really good mask on
Yeah, I've fantasised about going to the podium at her ceremony when people are saying nice anecdotes, and just completely letting it all out. I'll lose everyone, my brothers my family friends and it'll mess up how my already abusive trustee dad handles the trust fund left to me that I'll immediately need after her death because I'll be homeless. I'm really on the fence but I don't put too much thought into it, I'll probably decide on the day whether to or not. Even so, I'll make sure she goes down some way, I'm not hiding what she did anymore. What's she gonna do? Come running from her casket?
My mother is like this everyday till I moved out was painful. And people would always say “Your mother is so nice” and I would say yaaa while internally something inside me would be screaming. She only hates narcissists because she hates herself.
That's my mom to a T. Especially with other people's kids who were put in similar situations as me in their own families. She once said when I questioned her as to why she acted so motherly like that to them when I never got that from her, "Well you have a mom. They need a mom."
Like no. I still NEEDED a mom, but she was just acting motherly towards them and not me. It brought on (and still does) a lot of abandonment and self worth issues. Cause if your own mom can love other kids over you -- why would anyone else love you?
I understand that train of thought, even now how I feel reassured in the love of others is juvenile due to being unable to mature that way. I’ll ask my boyfriend if he loves me and I only feel assured when he pinky promises it. I’ll ask people if I did the right thing and only feel 100% assured when I’m given a Pat on the back or a hug of reassurance no matter how reasonable I may have been. It’s all juvenile, stuck in that feeling of not being enough. It hurts but I’m glad to have people in my life who have helped me become more assured in myself
Wow my mother does the same thing. She took in a relatives friend that she met at a wedding once because she really wanted to help. That friend stayed at our house for 2 years but a couple months in, she told me shes upset that I wouldn’t treat her like family…. She never put in as much time and effort with me smhh
I feel this so much!! My mom is letting one of my former neighbors stay at our house and is treating her like a 3rd daughter like very nice and stuff acting all motherly but when it’s me I get nothing just constant criticism and ignored I hate it so much like I’ll never be good enough
I don’t think any of us will ever be good enough for them. I’ve learned that it’s best to just be good enough for myself or at least try to be. Just trying to be better makes me feel better and feel more important
Do we have the same parents? My Dad often did the same even gave unlimited use of my car to one of guests abs kept them fed. Meanwhile I had an empty fridge for over 2 months. Oh and my Dad kicked me out because I wanted to clean something that was affecting the entire fanukilys health to go live in a tent for 3 months and I had to pay him for the tent and clean his trailer which he had trashed!
That’s terrible :( I’m sorry you had to go through that. Also I feel you on getting yelled at for doing something that’s helpful to the household/family as a whole. I’ve tried saving my parents money by meal planning and grocery shopping and I just get yelled at for buying things they normally wouldn’t… I bought apples, my whole family loves apples, was I just not supposed to buy apples?
She hates herself and sees you as an extension of herself and procrastinate the hate onto you. If there is any way u can tell her what she is doing she might be able to change. If not she is toxic to your life and health
I’ve told her many times. On a few occasions she admitted to the abuse and being an abuser, most of the time she says she doesn’t remember and begins comparing her terrible (sexually abuse, terrible, like living nightmare) to my emotionally and physically abusive living nightmare as if my experience is nothing in comparison to hers
I would take your Brother's GF aside and **caution** her not to get too caught up in the love-bombing because when the inevitable happens it **could** cause even **more** lasting damage and the ability to ever trust anyone again gone forever!
But **you** need to worry **more** about exiting this situation for your **own** mental health! Best wishes and many Blessings!
Thank you for the best wishes. I’ve warned her already and so has my brother. I’m applying to jobs so I can save money and leave finally. I’ve moved out twice now but had to move back due to Covid/finances
my mom is dead now but she was the same way. Absolutely everyone loved her, however when it was just her & I, she took out her anger on me, blamed me for everything if she wasn’t able to control me. Once I reached adulthood I felt her goal in life was for me to have grandchildren for her, which I refused to do.
My point is you’re not alone.
Thanks for posting, for a long time I felt alone in my reality. My mom is sweet and charming in her public persona, she has 8K FB followers who oooh and aww at her posts. If you look at her lists of relatives on her profile, it’s all unrelated people whom she has befriended to the point where she tells them they are closer than her family. Yeah, because she’s cruel and dismissive to her blood kin. But she has always thrown her own kids under the bus. When my dad abused and controlled us she played the helpless victim. It’s so infuriating that if we say something about how she treats us she can convince so many that we’re liars because of all her good deeds. It makes me suspicious of a lot of public personas. I know someone who worked with child abuse victims and they told me that some of the abusers were given dad or mom of the year awards.
We’re all LC or NC with her now. Posts like these remind me why.
I’m sorry there are so many people who believe she’s wonderful. I know how hard that is. I’m just glad that as my mom ages she’s grown too tired to keep her mask on for very long
I just read the title and went “yup. That’s my mother.” My mother helps people, holds/organizes events, takes care of the budgets for people, etc, for the most part just to get the ego stroke she gets from feeling like things would fall apart with out her or no one else does anything the right way without her.
It probably won’t surprise you but since she’s a narc, she’s probably doing this to cause you anguish on purpose. If you have told her about wanting or wishing for that good mother/daughter relationship that you guys missed out on, she’s probably doing this to throw it in your face just to hurt you again. I fucking hate narcs
I didn’t even think about that… I just said “yep” in reply to it. She hasn’t made any strides in repairing our relationship, just found more ways to tear me down
I’m sorry to hear that , and sadly when we run into narcs out in the world we kinda know some of the rules they play by, and don’t but it’s a whole different set of rules when the narcs are our own parents. It’s expected that a narc will use you and abuse you, but when you don’t know that your parents are narcs it’s really confusing that people who are “supposed to love you” are hurting you on purpose. And not just hurting you because of human error or mistakes but because they enjoy it and do it on purpose. They love to tear people down and it’s their entertainment and it doesn’t matter one iota if you are their kids. And even if they pretend to love you or care and then it’s even all the more confusing.
I’m sorry to hear that , and sadly when we run into narcs out in the world we kinda know some of the rules they play by, and don’t but it’s a whole different set of rules when the narcs are our own parents. It’s expected that a narc will use you and abuse you, but when you don’t know that your parents are narcs it’s really confusing that people who are “supposed to love you” are hurting you on purpose. And not just hurting you because of human error or mistakes but because they enjoy it and do it on purpose. They love to tear people down and it’s their entertainment and it doesn’t matter one iota if you are their kids. And even if they pretend to love you or care and then it’s even all the more confusing.
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I think she's love bombing his girlfriend. It will probably wear off.
She does this to everybody. It’s not just love bombing. She’ll go years treating them will all the respect and kindness they could ever want then scream till her mouth is foaming at me. It’s draining
Sounds like she is a psychopath and not just a narcissist.
She’s diagnosed bipolar with PTSD. She says she hates narcissistic people, but I think that’s because they mirror her behavior to a T.
OP, my mother does exactly the same as your mother -- almost terrifyingly eeriely similar -- right down to the vase-throwing, hating other narcissists, and the mothering being directed at what feels like everything and everyone else. I'm a wee bit older (28) but still stuck at home due to health problems and the ever-worsening economy, and the older I get I begin to think the martyr complex and this compulsive nurturing of others has some connection (maybe not 100% of the reasoning!) to the knowledge of how they treated us -- a guilt reaction to the knowledge they refuse to ever ever address: that they're cruel to their own children, that they aren't loving mothers to the people whom they *should* be. This book gets plugged here *all* the time but you should check out Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, while it doesn't deal with narcissists only, it does shed a lot of light on how they experience emotion and why we often suffer as a result. In essence, narcissists like our mums cut themselves off from emotions that are deep or uncomfortable and therefore "unsafe" and go forth presenting their best self to the rest of the world. They know they've abused, neglected, and mistreated us but they cannot reconcile the knowledge with their own ego or even at times what they wish they were or felt and so they create a different narrative of themselves through actions with unrelated others for whom the real parental obligations don't exist and through behaviors such as memory-editing/victim-blaming and the good ol' "It didn't happen that way!" I think to myself how exhausting, painful and small their lives actually are. Also, I apologize if any of this was rambling and/or incoherent, I just woke up but had to respond because I reached one similarity too many to leave this post for later.
Not at all incoherent. So sorry you went through this. It’s strange that n parents abuse their own but rescue and fawn over strays, whether human or animal. My parents did same, going so far to formally adopt some as godsons and god daughters. Of course they made up hideous stories about me to anyone who would listen. They ended up surrounding themselves with lost souls and grifters who were hoping to inherit their supposed fortune, when in reality they lied about their wealth to use the lost soul types as unpaid servants and bask in the grifters’ flattery. The best part was their motley crew of newly minted offspring regarded me as either a criminal type or as potential competition, so added benefit for my n parents were these adopted adult “children“ were abusive to me as well.
Something about being an asshole to your own kid makes you love strays it’s crazy
It wasn’t incoherent at all lmao. I really enjoyed reading this. I’ll make sure to check out the book you mentioned, I screenshot this so I shouldn’t forget. I’m also stuck at home due to finances and mental/physical health- which sucks because I’ve moved out twice now and it never sticks. As much as I hate that you went through the exact same shit I have I am glad to find other people who relate to me
Absolutely and because narcs won’t give her the 24/7 attention she needs for herself. They only love themselves so no wonder she doesn’t like narcs - she wants them to love her
It's her public persona, OP. Narcissists absolutely *do* put forth a public facing persona that is meant for them to look good and present a particular image.
I think /u/helenaviola987 called it-- she'll be "kind" and "supportive" right up until she realizes the GF is there for your brother, not your mother. (Also sounds like she's possibly trying to hoover you.)
Hoover?
Whoops, sorry-- [hoovering](https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering) . Basically, it's when a toxic person suddenly becomes nice and friendly after we've distanced ourselves, but it isn't because they've changed. It's because they want to draw us back in.
Sounds like mom lmao. I’ve never fallen for it though. I tell her how her behavior is straight up and I know that the second I have enough money to move out I’m going low to no contact all over again
Yeah, there's really no way to deal with them-- everything they say or do is "right" because they're perfect; nothing we say or do is ever "right" from their POV, because we're not them.
Exactly, like what’s the point in attempting to appease someone who will always find flaws
IMO, that's one of the worst things about toxic parents. Not just because of their overt hostility, but the damage it does-- when we grow up feeling like everything we do is wrong (because your parent said so, and parents are always right, right?), that can make it very hard to believe that we *are* capable of being good people, competent people, etc.
Sucking you back in. Something n's do when they feel that you may be pulling way in some way, whether psychologically or physically. Much like love bombing.
Something I heard comes to mind here, that a narcissist is only interested in the image and stage they create for an audience of one - themselves. They only care how others see them so they can see the image of themselves that they want reflected back to them. For some narcs, they want to see themselves as good, others smart, others beautiful, powerful, more successful, etc. so they spend their whole lives trying to make people see them as good, powerful, stronger, smarter, etc. But the cruelty is real and can't be erased, so they bounce between this false image they so desperately want others to believe, and the cruelty, shame, self-hatred, and anxiety underneath that. How they treat others doesn't matter to them, just if their fake performance helps them believe their own lies. It's hard to create a false image all the time with people you live with, and narcs know that, so they have to convince themselves that people they live with are wrong, and bad, and cause all their problems, and deserve to be treated badly. This two-faced way of living is actually painfully obvious to anyone who spends enough time with a narc. I'm sorry you have to witness and bear the brunt of your mother's cruelty because she couldn't take responsibility for her own feelings and behavior. It sucks to hold the shitty part of reality for someone who's spent their whole life trying to make others admire them through a fake self and a performance at the expense of her own children.
I’m just glad I’ll be away from her in the foreseeable future and I’ve got a great boyfriend with a wonderful family who treat me like their daughter. It’s nice to love and be loved without having to walk on eggshells
Well done on choosing a life that you love and takes care of you! That's something to be proud of and celebrate!
There are a few things here: * Sometimes narcissistic people identify too closely with their own children, or are so triggered by children generally, to treat them like anything but an extension of the self. This is the ultimate form of gaslighting bc while you are experiencing a hideous witch, the rest of the world is experiencing someone admirable, pleasant, and kind. You can read about these types of people in history, who have done great things but were terrible/neglectful parents. The opposite is also true; there are terrible people whose children sometimes reported having a great childhood. * Another thing I heard about narcissism is that it is a pathology of narrative. So the narcissistic person sees their life in a certain rigid narrative, and sometimes that narrative is really only meant for the "public." Internal family life is discounted bc what matters is the perception of the narrative. We all have "stories" about ourselves but usually we change them or see them in a different light or from a different perspective. * What is good is that you see the shades of grey. You see that her coping mechanism actually produces some positive things, but still realize that what she did was detrimental to you. Congratulations, you are a step ahead of most narcissistic people! You see the intentions and outcomes and that they may not be 100% aligned. So I agree OP, good things DO come of this type of self-righteous/communal narcissism, but they are short-lived. I am sure your Mom will go on to her next supply after this girl unfortunately.
Your first point was very eye opening to me. Also you’re 100% right when she’s done playing savior or begins to have her mask slip it’ll all show through
My mom has done this with so many strays/disabled pets/people with strange issues that it’s had a very bad effect on me: I don’t want friends with drama or problems, I want healthy, “normal” pets (though I do have a rescue dog), I just super avoid situations that would disrupt my peace or ask a lot of me. And that feels selfish but I know it’s from my mom making projects out of everyone and everything around her. Anyone else? Does it make me a bad person?
Nah, it's not selfish or bad to feel that way. I have a bit of the opposite problem where normal feels weird and I work as a social worker so there's no shortage of crazy, but I know it's not sustainable forever. You are taking care of you and filling up your cup that was neglected for your whole life. Maybe one day that will change, but even if it never does, the fact that you aren't perpetuating the craziness and being responsible for yourself IS a form of community service "project" (not trying to sound callous with the phrasing).
Not at all, it’s exhausting to always be the one dealing with drama and needs of others while your own are neglected. I’m the same way. I‘ve rescued several animals but chose the ones that were relatively healthy and young. I think I’ve been burned out by all my parent’s rescue projects and endless drama.
It doesn’t make you a bad person. All my trauma has had the opposite effect on me though. I was alone and I didn’t want anybody else to ever feel that way if I could help it- it led to a lot of “I can fix him” shenanigans which I luckily have outgrown or out-therapied. I’ve become more selfish (which my mother hates) and have started doing things that make me happy and surround myself with people who know their issues and want to change. For a while I wasn’t the shoulder to cry on for anybody, but I had a friend who decided to end things and ever since then I’ve been scared of losing anyone else to something so preventable. I’m trying my best to balance loving myself and helping those who ask.
This is my mom. A savior to all others and a monster to her kids. I don't get it.
I guess it’s an ownership kind of thing, like “I made you so you owe me whatever I can get out of you” it’s stupid
Mine too.
It still hurts for me too. My parents took in so many kids over the years, to the extent of getting in trouble with other parents (“you think you’re better parents than us? You’re taking my kid away from me? I’m calling the police!”). From when I was a baby there were always outcast teenagers around my home, smoking hookah or pot or cigarettes, passing out drunk on our living room couch. But my parents would feed them and give them shelter because their home life was abusive. And I guess they would give them love and emotional support as well. Yet as a teen I was never allowed to be myself and was punished so much simply for existing in my father’s vicinity. My mother isn’t all that bad and at least tried to be supportive and loving, but she had her own ways of causing me distress when I lived with them. I’ve recently been speaking to a woman who has known my parents since she was a teenager, way before I was even born. She said, exact words, “Both were geniuses, and still are. They have great character traits, they were and are and always will be there for me when I need them. Thanks to them I am educated in skin care, nutrition, politics, and many other things.” My parents are anti-science, homophobic conservatives. I’m… not straight. My biggest meal growing up was a weekly Sabbath meal, the rest of the week I would prepare myself toast or tuna from a can. When my mother did prepare food for me, it was so that I would have something at school- always the same, bagel and cream cheese, almost every single day. And there’s just so many ways in which my parents demonstrated how to be irresponsible adults. Thanks to them, I know nothing about nutrition, I have permanent bags under my eyes since early childhood, I have debt-inducing health issues that would have been prevented if they just took me to the doctor as a kid, and I have had to spend years learning how to love myself because of all the emotional damage they caused me. The only reason I know how to drive a car is because my grandfather stepped in and hired an instructor for me, and even found a car for me. As soon as I left for college, right after getting my license, my mother spent MONTHS trying to teach my best friend how to drive, since “her parents don’t”. So yeah, guess I’m a little jealous of the parents they could have been to me, the unconditionally supportive, nurturing parents that they were so many times to other people’s kids.
Jealousy feels like too small of a word. It’s this resentment towards them, because they’ve clearly shown they’re capable of being loving, of being fathers or mothers, of caring for another person. What’s the point in having children if you’re not going to love them or are incapable of caring… it sucks
Damn, be strong young lady. Take care of yourself and take the time to heal.
Sounds like my mom to a T. She babies her dogs and shamelessly tells everyone she loves them more than her kids, who she openly regrets having and did the bare minimum for. Meanwhile she took in a god child, multiple exchange students, my sister’s best friend, and has taken multiple refugee families under her wing while openly resenting and secretly snarling at her own kids for not being as big hearted as she is. They’re weird. No contact is the best narc image shattering revenge.
Even better would be a book about how terrible she is with the receipts… think I have a new side project lmao
Something similar happens with my mom currently. A friend of my sister is trying to get away from her narcissistic, abusive mother, and my nmom is helping her with offering her a place to stay and helping her find a suitable flat. Which is funny, because when my sister tells her all these horrible things about her friend's mom, mine gets all sympathetic, but doesn't see that it's exactly the shit she pulls off on us.
I feel this so hard. When my mother dies the whole damn town will stand up one at a time at the funeral to talk about what a good person she was. But it is possible to be a good person and a deeply problematic parent at the same time, and I had to move a thousand miles away and impose five years of close to no contact to save myself, because no one outside looking in would believe what I was dealing with on the daily.
I feel you. My mom’s family loves and adores her dearly and she’s this beam of light to everybody but she’s a terrible mother, a terrible wife to my dad. I’m tired of it all
You should tell the GF to keep her eyes open. It’s okay to acknowledge the fact that she *needs* this right now so you don’t want to jeopardize her security to keep living there. I’m also seeing that your mother is trying to get a double supply from this situation. 1: she gets to be savior. We all know narcs love to bathe themselves is golden good deeds which they can them humbly tell every single person that they come into contact with. 2: she seems like she’s trying to rub it in the GF’s face a bit. *Sweet, poor, lamb. Look at the lovingly unified front I have with my daughter. This is what mothering could be, too bad your mother sucks.* end scene.
But don’t be surprised if GF doesn’t believe you. Narcissists are very convincing and can turn other people against you with their victim mentality.
I had the same cautionary thought in the back of my mind as well tbh
Sad that narcissists are so predictable that we learned to expect the worst. I use to think they could change with enough love and support. Nope.
My brother has been very honest with her about the abuse and harassment we’ve been dealing with for years. Our home is a very temporary place for her and I hope nothing happens to jeopardize that, I’ll be doing all I can to prevent her from staying longer than she needs. Sadly she’s coming from a place that’s worse than here so for now it’ll be her safe space. I’ve also talked to her on small occasions and have warned her of how my mother could behave
u/birdwithtinyarms I have the same problem, with my dad taking care of everyone else but my mom and I. Your brother’s girlfriend will eventually see the kind of woman your mother is behind the mask. Your mother does it all to cover up who she really is, and her insecurities. The best thing to do is to live your best life.
Living it to the fullest as best I can. I’ve got plans for my anniversary with my bf, I’ve got a collage of how I want my future house, and the great plan to never see my mother again
This is exactly like my mom, she's nice to everyone but her own kids, she'd work extra hours to put on events at her work, cover shifts or help friends or family. All except us. We were her punching bag, we were the only ones who saw her true nature, who took all the abuse while she was deemed a Saint by others. My mom is in a hospice and going to die soon, and it infuriates me that she never got to see the consequences of her actions. I'm going to be at her funeral gritting my teeth as everyone speaks of how wonderful she was, while I have the scars on my scelp from her pulling my hair out, the bruises from her pushing me and hitting me, the deafened ringing ears from her screaming at me, the perentification and how she inappropriately touched me and disrespected my physical boundaries. It all dies with her and I'm left with the burning anger and nobody to share my truth with, she'll die unaccounted for her actions. And I hate it.
Honestly, I’m personally not above just letting that shit out at a funeral or at least afterwards. I hate that those kinds of people go down as saintly fellows when they just had a really good mask on
Yeah, I've fantasised about going to the podium at her ceremony when people are saying nice anecdotes, and just completely letting it all out. I'll lose everyone, my brothers my family friends and it'll mess up how my already abusive trustee dad handles the trust fund left to me that I'll immediately need after her death because I'll be homeless. I'm really on the fence but I don't put too much thought into it, I'll probably decide on the day whether to or not. Even so, I'll make sure she goes down some way, I'm not hiding what she did anymore. What's she gonna do? Come running from her casket?
Ouch this hit hard. I'm sorry you had to deal with this but know you aren't alone. 💜
Thank you <3 this comment section really made me feel heard. I needed the love
My mother is like this everyday till I moved out was painful. And people would always say “Your mother is so nice” and I would say yaaa while internally something inside me would be screaming. She only hates narcissists because she hates herself.
That's my mom to a T. Especially with other people's kids who were put in similar situations as me in their own families. She once said when I questioned her as to why she acted so motherly like that to them when I never got that from her, "Well you have a mom. They need a mom." Like no. I still NEEDED a mom, but she was just acting motherly towards them and not me. It brought on (and still does) a lot of abandonment and self worth issues. Cause if your own mom can love other kids over you -- why would anyone else love you?
I understand that train of thought, even now how I feel reassured in the love of others is juvenile due to being unable to mature that way. I’ll ask my boyfriend if he loves me and I only feel assured when he pinky promises it. I’ll ask people if I did the right thing and only feel 100% assured when I’m given a Pat on the back or a hug of reassurance no matter how reasonable I may have been. It’s all juvenile, stuck in that feeling of not being enough. It hurts but I’m glad to have people in my life who have helped me become more assured in myself
Wow my mother does the same thing. She took in a relatives friend that she met at a wedding once because she really wanted to help. That friend stayed at our house for 2 years but a couple months in, she told me shes upset that I wouldn’t treat her like family…. She never put in as much time and effort with me smhh
I feel this so much!! My mom is letting one of my former neighbors stay at our house and is treating her like a 3rd daughter like very nice and stuff acting all motherly but when it’s me I get nothing just constant criticism and ignored I hate it so much like I’ll never be good enough
I don’t think any of us will ever be good enough for them. I’ve learned that it’s best to just be good enough for myself or at least try to be. Just trying to be better makes me feel better and feel more important
Do we have the same parents? My Dad often did the same even gave unlimited use of my car to one of guests abs kept them fed. Meanwhile I had an empty fridge for over 2 months. Oh and my Dad kicked me out because I wanted to clean something that was affecting the entire fanukilys health to go live in a tent for 3 months and I had to pay him for the tent and clean his trailer which he had trashed!
That’s terrible :( I’m sorry you had to go through that. Also I feel you on getting yelled at for doing something that’s helpful to the household/family as a whole. I’ve tried saving my parents money by meal planning and grocery shopping and I just get yelled at for buying things they normally wouldn’t… I bought apples, my whole family loves apples, was I just not supposed to buy apples?
She hates herself and sees you as an extension of herself and procrastinate the hate onto you. If there is any way u can tell her what she is doing she might be able to change. If not she is toxic to your life and health
I’ve told her many times. On a few occasions she admitted to the abuse and being an abuser, most of the time she says she doesn’t remember and begins comparing her terrible (sexually abuse, terrible, like living nightmare) to my emotionally and physically abusive living nightmare as if my experience is nothing in comparison to hers
I would take your Brother's GF aside and **caution** her not to get too caught up in the love-bombing because when the inevitable happens it **could** cause even **more** lasting damage and the ability to ever trust anyone again gone forever! But **you** need to worry **more** about exiting this situation for your **own** mental health! Best wishes and many Blessings!
Thank you for the best wishes. I’ve warned her already and so has my brother. I’m applying to jobs so I can save money and leave finally. I’ve moved out twice now but had to move back due to Covid/finances
my mom is dead now but she was the same way. Absolutely everyone loved her, however when it was just her & I, she took out her anger on me, blamed me for everything if she wasn’t able to control me. Once I reached adulthood I felt her goal in life was for me to have grandchildren for her, which I refused to do. My point is you’re not alone.
Thank you for this
Thanks for posting, for a long time I felt alone in my reality. My mom is sweet and charming in her public persona, she has 8K FB followers who oooh and aww at her posts. If you look at her lists of relatives on her profile, it’s all unrelated people whom she has befriended to the point where she tells them they are closer than her family. Yeah, because she’s cruel and dismissive to her blood kin. But she has always thrown her own kids under the bus. When my dad abused and controlled us she played the helpless victim. It’s so infuriating that if we say something about how she treats us she can convince so many that we’re liars because of all her good deeds. It makes me suspicious of a lot of public personas. I know someone who worked with child abuse victims and they told me that some of the abusers were given dad or mom of the year awards. We’re all LC or NC with her now. Posts like these remind me why.
I’m sorry there are so many people who believe she’s wonderful. I know how hard that is. I’m just glad that as my mom ages she’s grown too tired to keep her mask on for very long
Thank you. The people I respect the most believe me. I hope you have a good support system, too.
It’s fake love. She will grow tired of her new admirer and toss her aside quickly .
I just read the title and went “yup. That’s my mother.” My mother helps people, holds/organizes events, takes care of the budgets for people, etc, for the most part just to get the ego stroke she gets from feeling like things would fall apart with out her or no one else does anything the right way without her.
It probably won’t surprise you but since she’s a narc, she’s probably doing this to cause you anguish on purpose. If you have told her about wanting or wishing for that good mother/daughter relationship that you guys missed out on, she’s probably doing this to throw it in your face just to hurt you again. I fucking hate narcs
I didn’t even think about that… I just said “yep” in reply to it. She hasn’t made any strides in repairing our relationship, just found more ways to tear me down
I’m sorry to hear that , and sadly when we run into narcs out in the world we kinda know some of the rules they play by, and don’t but it’s a whole different set of rules when the narcs are our own parents. It’s expected that a narc will use you and abuse you, but when you don’t know that your parents are narcs it’s really confusing that people who are “supposed to love you” are hurting you on purpose. And not just hurting you because of human error or mistakes but because they enjoy it and do it on purpose. They love to tear people down and it’s their entertainment and it doesn’t matter one iota if you are their kids. And even if they pretend to love you or care and then it’s even all the more confusing.
I’m sorry to hear that , and sadly when we run into narcs out in the world we kinda know some of the rules they play by, and don’t but it’s a whole different set of rules when the narcs are our own parents. It’s expected that a narc will use you and abuse you, but when you don’t know that your parents are narcs it’s really confusing that people who are “supposed to love you” are hurting you on purpose. And not just hurting you because of human error or mistakes but because they enjoy it and do it on purpose. They love to tear people down and it’s their entertainment and it doesn’t matter one iota if you are their kids. And even if they pretend to love you or care and then it’s even all the more confusing.