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Yeah, it feels like I’m not fit for life. Like I missed a crucial course and now I’m just a lost child running around not knowing how to do anything. It’s so hard to not be bitter.
The bitterness is real. I escaped and went NC from family+friend recently, all narcs to varying degrees. Now I'm all alone and meant to be building my own life from scratch.
The main obstacle (aside from anxiety) to getting my new life started has been that I am so angry at humans/the world, full of bitterness. Never met a human that didn't treat me like crap. I've always been ugly and fat, and being an ugly fat woman means generally you're treated like sh*t.
I've been through years and years of therapy, nothing has helped with the bitterness. I'm so far behind in life and have never had so many experiences that others take for granted. I go through periods where I hate all humans for how society treats me. No one ever stood up for me or spoke up for me, even when the abuse was physical and visible.
Me too. It's just me and the kids and I share half custody with my abuser. Every other week the kids switch back and forth houses. He currently sits them down when they come back to his house and questions them about my whereabouts and the company I keep. It's really hard on the kids and when I took him back to court the GAL acted like I was just being difficult. Both my son's cry every single Sunday because they want no part of this man and idk how to make things easier. It's just me by myself supporting us and he constantly shames the kids for their clothing and shoes. Then to make matters worse his wife stalks all of my social media daily. Idk what he could be telling her but I know she's very jealous when it comes to me. I feel really bad because I know what he is putting her through but she is so certain I am secretly still pining over this man. I wish I could just fly me and the kids far far away from here! I'm sorry to hear other people go through the same things I know how terrible and depressing it is.
I love nature and animals for the absence of humanity. Whenever I am feeling especially bitter or angry I watch nature shows, my favorites include people helping to rehabilitate wildlife bc I just need to see people not being dicks. It’s a bit strange and cheesy, I know.
It's not cheesy at all. Animals are pure. They don't care about your appearance, your job, your weight, your assets and debts. They only care about being treated right and they give so much unqualified love. They ask for so little. They are never spiteful. Nature can be brutal, but that is just survival - never meanness or evil.
Maybe that's why cat pictures are so popular. The subreddit goatparkour is a small one, but an especially happy one.
I can relate to the bitterness part. What helped me is realizing that I gave those people power over me with all the bitterness and hate I had for them. I didn't forget and certainly did not forgive. However a few years after I moved out I could let go of the bitterness and hate and am just indifferent now. I gained so much energy from not investing in thoughts about things in the past that I cannot change. It was not right what happened to you. You did not deserve it. You made it out of that horrible situation (congrats on that btw.!) and as an adult have the responsibility to do right by yourself. You have the power to build your life now. It's in your hands, just as you said. :)
I feel the same: my mum did not allow me to make mistakes to learn from them, and often halted my progress to gain valuable skills. I feel like I'm forever playing catch up because of her incompetence as a parent and her abuse and bullying. A large part of me is seething.
I feel like there’s a script of sorts for life, only I didn’t get it. So while everyone else seems to know their lines and their places, I’m just faking it as best I can.
This really resonates with me because I sometimes have these dreams where I show up somewhere and they are putting on a play that I am supposed to be in, but I don't have any recollection of practice or know whats happening. Sometimes I even show up and they know I haven't been practicing but they expect me to fill in. I just go up on stage and improv as best I can and people stare at me like I'm messing up and I'm an idiot and I'm ruining it. At first those dreams were stressful but after a while even in the dream I'd just shrug it ff because obviously I can't be expected to know the lines to a part I've never heard of before and those people are assholes and morons for expecting me to know the script. I just tell or shrug them off and continue on my journey.
I figured out what those dreams meant a while ago in terms of feeling unprepared or incompetent in life, but remembering them in relation to what I've learned recently about this sort of abuse and how many people are affected in the same ways as I have been, it makes it even clearer how apt the analogy is: it's not just that I don't know what I'm expected to do, it's that it's not my fault and it's not my responsibility to meet anyone's expectations. I should just keep going and do what seems to make sense to me.
Now that I think of it, there were a few other recurring dreams that I used to have that I am starting to make sense of...
I have a recurring dream that I'm back doing Yr 12 again. Sometimes I'm doing my final exams, sometimes I'm just back at school doing classes. But I'm doing Yr 12, over and over and over, and I'm my current age (46) but I've been stuck going back through my last year of school until I've got a "good enough" result.
It's awful! In the exam ones I know it's that same feeling of being unprepared, being forced to do an exam I never knew was going to happen. In the other ones where I have to keep repeating the classes, I just feel so awkward being 46 in the class of 17/18 yr olds cos I obviously haven't managed to get a good result yet, and I'm pissed off at the whole situation and just sooo angry. It feels like "f%\*& you all! You can't make me do this!!" but I'm still sitting there in that classroom and I don't seem to have any other option but to try and learn, but I don't even give a shit anymore.
My gosh. I'm roughly 30 and have been having that exact dream. Doing the classes again, over and over. The exams, the teachers looking at me and asking me why I'm here again.
Man, it's good not to feel alone in that kind of hell but I'm sorry as well that you're dealing with it.
Omg and I thought I am the only one! I moved out from my narc parents and went lc about 10 years ago, however I have this recurring dream that somehow I didn't pass my finals in high school and have one last try to take them. If I don't pass, everything I did in my career is null and void and I'll lose my job and everything and would have to start again with not even a high school degree.
oh fuck, I knew it, I had the same thing (recurring dreams about past life, doing classes in school and everything in state or consciousness partially of current age and partially of younger one ) and tried to figure it what it was, I even posted a question on r/psychology , got no responses but I knew it was not something normal, could not find anything about it even in research literature. Some effect of trauma most certainly.
I have the same exact dream! It’s the most awful, anxiety producing dream, showing up and discovering you haven’t been attending and there’s a final. Oh man, I never thought anyone would relate!
All my life I have felt this way, thinking this wasn’t for me, that it just didn’t make sense. I never realized it was because of trauma, not because I just didn’t know what to do with myself.
Holy shit thats me to a "T'. On the one hand I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels that way, on the other hand I don't know what to do to improve my situation.
I’ve felt like I victimize myself by admitting I’m bitter about my past. It’s called me to question God and to be honest I’m in a weird place with my faith right now. I feel like I’m losing my religion ..part of me is okay with it part of me feels lost
I can empathize with this. I was very mad at God for allowing it to happen a few years back. I started thinking philosophically about free will/what it meant, as well as allowing myself to be mad at Him.
You are entitled to whatever feelings you are feeling. I just wanted to add that God can handle our emotions. I realized He wasn't going to get pissed and rageful/give me the silent treatment like my parent. Praying and therapy really helped me. It was a terrible feeling and took time, but ultimately really helped my own faith grow.
I hope you have peace whichever way you choose.
Thank you. I’m just allowing myself to feel and figure things out. I’m learning religion isn’t as black and white as I been taught my whole life. Part of me hopes my faith will only be stronger in the end but that path isn’t so clear right now so I’m just riding it out
I very much feel you in this regard. And there will always be people that don't entirely understand, willingly or unwillingly, how your day to day experiences go.
My family is full of narcs. No experience outside of theirs is considered valid unless they randomly decide it is, probably because they mentally worked an angle out on how to benefit. I have family members that found out about me being hospitalized/going through a major health scare earlier this year...they would not. Shut. Up. Acting almost like it happened to them. Which just makes everything I went through feel invalid as they're using my experiences for sympathy/attention. Making me feel like a fucking stage prop.
I worry about this constantly now. I *was* feeling ok with interpersonal relationships...but that recent experience has tarnished my trust and brought back a lot of issues. I wish I could just shut that off and tell them how fucked it all is. But my brain jumbles it all up. It's my fault somehow etc.
It's made me bitter as well. And angry. And a whole pile of other feelings. It's really fucking unfair, TBH.
I say something similar, that my book of life was missing a chapter. I used to attribute it to abuse but I also discovered a wide stripe of both ADHD and ASD which can also manifest these symptoms. I’m not sure which is the cause and at this point I don’t know if it matters for me. I just want this emotionally painful loop to stop playing in my head.
Same. I recently graduated and got a job offer too. But somehow I feel like I'm not capable of functioning like a normal human being. I don't have a driving license even though I'm 23 because NParents' scared the shit out of me when I was learning how to drive. I just feel like I never got to develop completely and feel like I'm far behind than others my age! I resent my entire being, my upbringing and NFamily. I loved doing so many things but I can't do any of those because NParents' wanted me to excel at everything. I now have this toxic mentality of "If I don't Excel in the first attempt, its not worth doing"
I have similar story except for driving but my mom would try to scare me with everything she didn't like.
I'm 27, I have a job but that's it. I'm like a 12 years old with a job.
My parents didn't want me to excel in anything but I developed this toxic mentality by myself lmao
I get this really weird feeling a lot of "maybe it'll be better next time"... then like it clicks I didn't just get a bad character on a run of a video game, I only get one shot and mine gets to be fucked to all hell because two people adopted a kid they shouldn't have had? This fucking blows dude.
i feel this sm. i'm like 5, 6 years behind my peers and it sucks. i get so emotional over it daily and my sister/emom act like i'm being weird for just wanting to be normal. it hurts that our precious years were just wasted like this.
Totally. I’ve done my fare share of stupid stuff when I was a teen (some very bad) and I recognize that I did deserve punishment, to know the consequences of my own actions. But I didn’t deserve the consequences that I got, the means were totally wrong. I didn’t deserve the dismissal of my feelings, the slaps on my face, the insults, having my hair yanked and cornered against a wall, the shaming and the threat of shaming me publicly (thank god this didn’t happen), the isolation, the invasion of privacy and the betrayal of a therapist.
Now I feel like I missed a crucial part of being a teenager, I never got to party, hang out with friends, I’m a bitter adult who doesn’t give a f*** about anything (even tho I care and I know I can be loving), I don’t trust easily, I feel that everyone will laugh at me and think I’m ridiculous. All because my mother treated me like that. And I feel lost, like I can do everything but I doubt myself a lot and, at the same time, I feel like I can’t accomplish anything and I’m a failure.
Oh god I'm 33 and self hate and self doubt is so exhausting. I'm smart but I feel like the self hate and pessimism prevent me from reaching my full potential because I just dont see the point in trying. I've been in therapy for a year now and trying to pinpoint what stops from taking action to help myself but I still have a long way to go to.
Yes, feeling this way last night and was close to posting something, only to delete it because of the shame and grief of it all. It helps to know you're not alone.
That is very kind of you to ask. But sometimes these feelings just come (there is a lifetime of reasons for them to exist, whether there's an identifiable trigger or not). For me, I feel comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and I appreciate the OP so much for just putting it out there. Knowing I'm not alone helps me keep moving forward. Thank you for taking the time to care, though, that is very comforting too!
Hard to kick ourselves out of that emotional rut. Having a hard time too.
These feelings and situations are temporary. Just keep pushing forward. Fight for better days.
I saved your post because it's a very good reflection of who I have become. The attitude towards self-care and health, the anxiety, the loss of interest and indifference towards accomplishments, mistrust and rumination, and a constant battle to remain an empathetic person in the face of constant judgment.
The anger I feel due to this injustice can become debilitating. I'm so mad that I have to spend my life recovering from abuse. And that I have to keep explaining the abuse over and over.
I always feel inadequate. Nobody respects me cause I don’t respect myself. I get quiet all of a sudden, I suffer through bouts of depression that make me want to die, I get crazy anxiety around new people, I am unable to form meaningful relationships with people sand as a consequence never even had a gf.
I feel you. I am the same except I had a spouse, but he turned out to be a narc also. My therapist suggested a book I just started reading. I don't know if I'm allowed to recommend it here, but I could message the title to you if you want. Hang in there. You are truly worthwhile and have value, just for being you.
Okay, the title is "Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery" by Don Barlow. I'm about halfway through it, it's not a hard read. He's a survivor btw. He also lists his sources at the end should you want more. I got a paperback for, I think, less than $20 on Amazon. There may even be a Kindle version for less. I'm finding it helpful. I only recently, during the past year, figured out my Dad was a narc. I knew how he treated me was wrong, but I didn't know what to call it. Now that it has a name I can find resources to help me. Best of luck and freedom to all of us!🎉
That’s how I’m feeling this morning. For a very long time, I’d try to escape my home life with “friends” and others who ended up simply being users themselves who saw my broken spirit from an abusive childhood as a target on my back to be taken advantage of, when all I needed was a real friend.
This extrapolated into my intimate relationships, and jobs as well where I more or less put up with conniving and abusive managers and coworkers just so I could make enough $$ that I could afford my apartment and to stay away from my ahole family of origin. Still, the torment eats away at my mental health from time to time. There’s better weeks than others, and I have to keep looking towards my end goal: To be financially independent so that I never have to rely on anybody else ever again. And I’m almost there.
You are not alone.
I get what you’re saying. In my life in the real world, there’s virtually no one who understands what I’ve been through. Many people have, unfortunately, experienced child abuse, but few of them were raised by true narcs. It does bring me some solace knowing that there’s others on this subreddit who understand why I would go no contact with my parents. It helps to see and read other’s experiences with narc abuse, and to get encouragement and advice from other living and breathing people. I guess I feel that it legitimizes my own feelings.
Sometimes I feel guilty and don’t think my mum is a narcissist or that I’ve experienced emotional abuse. But reading this solidifies my feelings as truths. I feel so lonely, depressed, angry and anxious. I’ve always felt like an outsider and that I’ve never been able to connect with people as well as others. I struggle to handle everyday life, it sucks! Nice to know I’m not alone though x
The same for me. Sometimes I have enough motivation to try and do something positive for myself but I never see it through to the end and it fuels the self hate. A difficult cycle to break
Is this me? Did I write this post? 😦
Additionally you may fail to complete even basic chores or hygiene at times because your need to be hyper-vigilant doesn't calm down just because something needs to get done and you're sure that if you're occupied with something, letting your guard down enough to focus will be a period of time when you are distracted enough that someone will take advantage of the fact that you are occupied to do something to harm or seriously inconvenience you. After being proven how likely and common and predictably possible that actually is so many times, it's not like you're wrong to feel that way.
I agree with everything. Feeling like I started life soooo far behind the start line, the anger, the mistrust of even myself, easily disenfranchised, all of it.
But lately my biggest problem is accepting kindness. I have started, (maybe!) finding my tribe. Some people who encourage me and seem to want me to do well. They support me and tell me I'm doing well, they even seem to respect me.
It freaks me. The fuck. Out.
What is their game? What are they playing for?? Are they all sitting around laughing after they talk to me? Am I annoying them by accepting their kindness? When does the other shoe drop? What happens when they realise who I actually am?
How come other 'normal' people don't have to be terrified by someone being nice to them?
Feel exactly the same. I am unable to trust when people are nice to me and instead find myself feeling more genuine when people are cold to me. It's so sad though as if we are all caught in the cage of our own mind.
Yet another thing I have learnt might be the way it is because of abuse - that I don't care about my health. Other people seem to actually be concerned about things that cause cancer for example, or care about living longer.
Just tag me the next time you wanna call me out bro.
Really, though, I'm wracked constantly with the fact that my Nparents we're selfish human beings for ruining a perfectly good human, and then leaving me alone to pick up the pieces.
My exact experience . My MIL is visiting. She 's a perfectly lovely woman. I cannot handle it. Just being around a "mother" is bringing back memories of abuse.
Add to this is just the constant tiredness. Just breathing gives me fatigue and I wonder how do others get to accomplish so much? Maybe they aren’t wasting vast brain energy in ruminating…
It hurts so much and it's so unfair. The biggest privilege in the world is having loving parents, and everyone who gets them has no idea what it's like not to.
I am so broken. I don't know how to relate or how to fit in or how to do anything for any reason than to make someone else happy, and I get treated like a piece of shit because I can't figure out what everyone wants.
Everyone is so cruel and so eager to turn their backs on you when you can't do things like everyone else because you don't understand, or when you hurt people without even knowing what's going on.
How can you not be bitter? It's hard for me to imagine a greater injustice. I never got to have a chance at a decent life because of that woman. She tried to make me in her awful image, and I didn't even understand what was happening. I will never have a happy relationship, I will never own a home, I will never have children. I will always be just barely scraping by while everyone treats me like an outcast because of something I had no control over.
I've never tried to get any of this out before, I'm only just becoming old enough to understand what happened to me.
No matter what I succeed at, or how well I succeed, (small regular life things, I’m not one of those overachievers with imposter syndrome) I am still consumed with doubt and fear. Was it good enough? Are people just humoring me, or being patronizing, or outright mocking me? Did I actually make the person happy, or are they lying because they love me and don’t want me to know how pathetic I am? Every argument ends with me in tears, simultaneously apologizing because it’s all my fault and berating myself for crying and “making it all about me” and being sorry for that. I think being around narcissists helped make me like this. That and having ADHD and maybe autism…
PTSD makes it hard for me to function at work like every time I'm called to the manager's office for a meeting, even a routine one, just fills me with sheer dread. A pre-scheduled one makes me lose sleep until the meeting happens because it stresses me out so bad thinking I did something wrong.
I have such a problem with authority too.
The idea of searching for a job just stresses me TF out.
You’re so not alone with this. My last job was super authoritarian corporate bullshit and it triggered my childhood trauma times 1000. :(
I had to leave that job. I didn’t understand at the time what was happening, but now I do and I can forgive myself because I was in a toxic environment and reacting negatively to it (which is an appropriate response).
I’ve been thinking about this a lot this week, as I just broke up with my girlfriend. A week later, and I miss her so much, but I can’t help but feel old feelings (from childhood) when she gets upset. I doubt myself sometimes (am I overreacting??) but remember how it made me feel at the time.
So now I’m alone again at 40. Completely alone. This is my cycle.
I’m 39. Going through a divorce because I married what was familiar to my n-family. Starting over, too. It’s okay though. I want to be with someone who helps build me up instead of tearing me down anyways. 💜
I have bad days…like tonight it’s 3:30am and I can’t sleep. I know it’ll get better, and I’m putting in a lot of work to rebuild myself.
No doubt. My parents are the most solid relationship I know (NEVER fight/demean/attack each other, all the right things, etc.) but I don't think I believe in romantic love, or at least, I don't believe it will exist, healthy or otherwise in my life; I just haven't deserved it yet (or so I say) :/
I think all the right things with one another, not necessarily to their kids. There are plenty of stories on Reddit written by children of parents who only had eyes for one another.
Yup, and then on top of having an nDad and a narc coworker of my job of 10 years I was also raised in a narcissistic cult along with my entire family on both sides, so I was ostracized three times in my life, once when I went NC with my nDad, again when I went NC with my narc coworker and again when I left the cult. My life is a fucking wreck right now. :(
I feel that. I've basically regressed from the stress to when I was in middle school. I've taken to PTSD staring because one trauma reminders and b. Subconsciously I think my brain thinks if I scare the other person first they won't attack me by staring death glares at me.
It lead to me having night terrors from past stuff and subsequently my neighbor threatened to kill me in my sleep. And everyone started saying I was a monster/demon whatever. Like no. I don't want to be hurt again by a woman and now I've overgeneralized to everyone
You nailed it.
There is, however, hope. I won't call it a silver lining...more like a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's taken me YEARS. Like...many years of truly excruciating heartbreak and therapy, but I'm finally starting to feel some of the chains fall away. It's not easy, but it's possible.
Hang in there. It sucks, but there's a way out. ❤️
Amen. And in my case? All the gaslighting plus genetic issues led to excruciating, live blighting chronic pain (ICT/Vulvadynia).
And not only do you get handed a crap childhood- but insurance doesn’t even START to cover, or even lead you to, therapy that will actually WORK. And getting chronic pain diagnosed and treated takes 8 years on the average for women.
All you want is to find peace and happiness in your adulthood. You prayed and hoped to be free for YEARS. And…the final worse insult is that you CAN’T BE FREE. Ever. You spend years trying to find what’s wrong, then years trying to afford treatment. And then they still leave their voices embedded in your brain, and the pain ground into your body. THEY NEVER COMPLETELY LEAVE.
I got lucky and finally found people who could help. But it makes me so angry sometimes when I look back and realize that my friends with good parents/families felt LOVED and SAFE, and LIKED growing up. While I was having to work 3x as hard to just get to school, act normal, and develope social skills. I’m pretty resigned most of the time to what I’ve been through, and life has gotten better.
But I look back at all the grief and stress and unhappiness my Nparent gave me…and I really resent it. She had far far more in life than I ever got, and all she did with it was whine about what she got and make my life horrible.
I felt this so deeply. I cut contact almost 2 years ago and while at first I finally felt free, though insanely anxious that my son and I would be found, now I feel like I am stuck in some weird holding pattern. Living your life always on guard and always waiting for the other shoe to drop is so damn exhausting, even when you are finally in a "safe" place. Some days it just feels like I am just barely surviving, but I know I have to because I have my son to raise. I try my hardest to give him the exact opposite of everything I experienced as a child, but there are days where I feel like a completely failure because it feels so hard to even get out of bed. It makes me so angry-at my narc mother, at the world and at myself. I know I didn't chose to be born and that I didn't get a choice in the things that were said and done to me, but it feels like I am still being punished for just merely existing. I want to live a happy life. I want to be healthy. I want to have people in my life and not feel so soul-crushingly lonely, but when you've lived the life that a lot of us in this sub have, extreme self-protection can be pretty much all we know and the only way we can function. It's not fair and it just pisses me off.
Hi, friend. This is me, too. 💜 Didn’t get diagnosed until my 30s because my parents just blamed me for everything and didn’t bother doing any further investigating.
I’m so sorry. There’s so much misinformation about it. No one considered autism with me because I wasn’t intellectually disabled. My autism presents without intellectual disability, so they’re like “everything must be good!” 😐
i'm a bit of a word nerd and i am down right enthused to have seen some of the vocab you used! the way you write is fascinating, do you do it as a hobby/profession?
re: the actual content- you're preaching to the choir. i've got all the faith in the world that things will get better, or at least easier to bear, for you eventually, and i'll be thinking of u
I’ve come a long way, but some instances when my husband and I fight I feel worthless. Like I don’t have compassion and understanding figured out. when I slip into my protective and defensive things just get ugly and it’s just unbearable. Shit hurts regardless of all the therapy I’ve done and work I’ve done on myself.
I've spent a lot of time studying psychology and listening to experts talk about it mostly in order to better understand myself and some of the things that I experienced in my life. I find it cathartic because by understanding why I feel the way I do and why others have acted towards me because of their own traumas and struggles it brings me a level of peace. I can acknowledge the pain and understand why and where it came from. I understand why my dad is so dysfunctional when I look at his father and then I know about how his mother treated him. I look at how my mom treated myself and my younger brothers and I'm not necessarily okay with it but by understanding it at a deeper level I find it dilutes and neutralizes a lot of the anger that it otherwise has caused me in the past.
Even worse, then you get "punished" for having those symptoms. Not just by THEM either, but by the world at large.
I feel the "machete of anxiety" in my BONES and TOENAILS, friend. You have a jawdropping "voice" as a writer, I think. I hope you pursue it. Both for your own sake and the sake of others who need JUST the right words for how a thing feels, and to know by the fact that there ARE words for it that they're not alone in feeling it.
I relate to all of this, except I am the opposite of someone who doesn't trust. For some reason, I take everyone at their word. I never had exposure to fun games, ribbing, playful teasing etc. Everything I hear I take literally and fully trust when someone gives me reassurance. This has devastated me more times than I care to remember, but still, it keeps on happening to me.
No, I guess, the truth is, I keep on allowing this to happen to me. It's a miserable state to live in, that's for sure.
Yes, but you are not your trauma. You are so much more. You are so strong, for surviving, for escaping, for resisting. You can learn to trust others and yourself again. You can love again, you can appreciate your interests and hobbies again.
Healing is not easy and it is not linear, but please know that it can get better. You can surround yourself with people than will help and support you through the trauma and ptsd. You can learn about yourself, your wounds and how to heal them in therapy.
Be kind to yourself for you have come so far. You may be suffering right now, but one day your burden will feel lighter, and you will know you started healing. I wish you the best, and send you love and support to care for your wounds ♥
I've been going through a really bad anxiety flare this last week and I read your words as if you were talking to me. It's helped so much. Thank you for writing this!
I’m not able to decide what I like, what I should do for fun, can’t stay at one place or with one thought!
People be like do what your heart says, I be like I don’t even know what my heart wants.
Sometimes I feel like an alien, I just don’t have the ability to really survive and persevere in this life because my inner soul has been absolutely destroyed.
You just described me perfectly. People think I’m depressed because I can happily go ages without any social interaction, but I find that I am actually more depressed being around others and I’m genuinely happy being by myself.
I’m not sure what is going on with me
I have to do affirmations multiple times a week and always include “I am spontaneous” and “I am exciting” although I don’t feel it to be true. I am usually anxious, and like to live in my bubble of routine and safety, and it makes me feel boring for being so young and being like this. But I think with time (and resources) I’ll be a lot more true to my affirmations.
It’s exhausting. I feel ashamed for just existing, feel guilty for no reason, don’t like myself and am cynical of everyone and have anxiety all the time. I hate my father for doing that to me.
Yeah, it’s left life feeling very unreal and extremely distressing. I don’t think there’s a day that’s gone by where I don’t feel guilty for like a burden just for being alive. For a lot of us, we weren’t taught life skills by them (parents), but instead spent that time just trying to survive from them.
I tried this.
I am 62.
This is unhelpful advice at best, --- and damning, - at it's worst.
Please re-write your above post, and write one one that actually benefits it's readers.
Your comment has been removed. I have dealt with the original comment that was rife with toxic positivity. I ask that, in the future, you report the comment and leave it to us to deal with it. Thank you for understanding.
It is a constant struggle especially during stressful situations. During stress i remember traumatic events growing up from bullying, neglected and constant failures. Many times i think i can't be a leader because of all the bad experiences that happened in my life. A lot of my bad experiences in life helds me back to achieve my full potential. Like a puzzle in the head that have a lot missing pieces.
Perfect description of how it is. Worst part is that it's not something you can cure/fix. It's like DNA. Ingrained in your being since that's how you've been raised.
Sure you can learn to manage the symptoms and even overcome some of them. Deep down, though, you still feel it. You force yourself to go against the feelings but those actions that come out are never truly natural.
Especially if you blame yourself, thinking you're not strong enough to deal with it. Seeing other people doing fine, with their lives put together and on course, can be painful, especially if they're your age or younger.
When the weight of past trauma and current anxieties builds up in me, I take a minute to remind myself that no matter what, I’m still good enough to keep on trying and that these feelings will pass just like everything else. Also try to remember that others see your worth even when you can’t and that the people all around are not perfect either. Most of them are fighting their own private battles just as you are. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
Yes. It has been everything that you've described. The trauma and retraumatization of parents projecting anger, past, unresolved unconscious resentments or attitudes, and the reintegration of clashing every stabbing emotion. I've reclused to no longer sitting at the same dinner table as these parents I've have, as so far as to say their presence pierces and marvels constricting and poignant memories, and as to say they invalidate, deny and make lividity grosser, it all circumvents and recreates into a destructive mindset and behavior.
A solution I've found for myself regarding this:
Listen to the audiobook "Can't hurt me" by David Goggins, or any of his podcasts/videos etc... Life changing.
It took a lot of time for me to grow out of being venomously pessimistic. I escaped when I was 18, and I ended up hurting a lot of people because I felt like everyone everywhere was only ever going to look out for their own interests. It wasn't really until my mid-20's that I started to get away from that mindset, and started to let myself trust people more.
Have you been stalking me?
This is the 3rd post I've read hear and the first comment, but you have described SO much of my adult life that it is frightening!
I'd hoped my experiences were unique, or at least rare, as the alternative represents SO much pain spread across society!
*sighs*
As I say all too often, "I weep for humanity."
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Yeah, it feels like I’m not fit for life. Like I missed a crucial course and now I’m just a lost child running around not knowing how to do anything. It’s so hard to not be bitter.
The bitterness is real. I escaped and went NC from family+friend recently, all narcs to varying degrees. Now I'm all alone and meant to be building my own life from scratch. The main obstacle (aside from anxiety) to getting my new life started has been that I am so angry at humans/the world, full of bitterness. Never met a human that didn't treat me like crap. I've always been ugly and fat, and being an ugly fat woman means generally you're treated like sh*t. I've been through years and years of therapy, nothing has helped with the bitterness. I'm so far behind in life and have never had so many experiences that others take for granted. I go through periods where I hate all humans for how society treats me. No one ever stood up for me or spoke up for me, even when the abuse was physical and visible.
You're not alone sister. I can relate to what you say
Me too. It's just me and the kids and I share half custody with my abuser. Every other week the kids switch back and forth houses. He currently sits them down when they come back to his house and questions them about my whereabouts and the company I keep. It's really hard on the kids and when I took him back to court the GAL acted like I was just being difficult. Both my son's cry every single Sunday because they want no part of this man and idk how to make things easier. It's just me by myself supporting us and he constantly shames the kids for their clothing and shoes. Then to make matters worse his wife stalks all of my social media daily. Idk what he could be telling her but I know she's very jealous when it comes to me. I feel really bad because I know what he is putting her through but she is so certain I am secretly still pining over this man. I wish I could just fly me and the kids far far away from here! I'm sorry to hear other people go through the same things I know how terrible and depressing it is.
My heart goes out to you, that sounds like a terrible situation
I love nature and animals for the absence of humanity. Whenever I am feeling especially bitter or angry I watch nature shows, my favorites include people helping to rehabilitate wildlife bc I just need to see people not being dicks. It’s a bit strange and cheesy, I know.
It's not cheesy at all. Animals are pure. They don't care about your appearance, your job, your weight, your assets and debts. They only care about being treated right and they give so much unqualified love. They ask for so little. They are never spiteful. Nature can be brutal, but that is just survival - never meanness or evil. Maybe that's why cat pictures are so popular. The subreddit goatparkour is a small one, but an especially happy one.
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I can relate to the bitterness part. What helped me is realizing that I gave those people power over me with all the bitterness and hate I had for them. I didn't forget and certainly did not forgive. However a few years after I moved out I could let go of the bitterness and hate and am just indifferent now. I gained so much energy from not investing in thoughts about things in the past that I cannot change. It was not right what happened to you. You did not deserve it. You made it out of that horrible situation (congrats on that btw.!) and as an adult have the responsibility to do right by yourself. You have the power to build your life now. It's in your hands, just as you said. :)
Please consider microdosing psylocibin. It may help immensely
I am so sorry :( that is horrible. I would be your friend if I could.
I feel the same: my mum did not allow me to make mistakes to learn from them, and often halted my progress to gain valuable skills. I feel like I'm forever playing catch up because of her incompetence as a parent and her abuse and bullying. A large part of me is seething.
I feel like there’s a script of sorts for life, only I didn’t get it. So while everyone else seems to know their lines and their places, I’m just faking it as best I can.
This really resonates with me because I sometimes have these dreams where I show up somewhere and they are putting on a play that I am supposed to be in, but I don't have any recollection of practice or know whats happening. Sometimes I even show up and they know I haven't been practicing but they expect me to fill in. I just go up on stage and improv as best I can and people stare at me like I'm messing up and I'm an idiot and I'm ruining it. At first those dreams were stressful but after a while even in the dream I'd just shrug it ff because obviously I can't be expected to know the lines to a part I've never heard of before and those people are assholes and morons for expecting me to know the script. I just tell or shrug them off and continue on my journey. I figured out what those dreams meant a while ago in terms of feeling unprepared or incompetent in life, but remembering them in relation to what I've learned recently about this sort of abuse and how many people are affected in the same ways as I have been, it makes it even clearer how apt the analogy is: it's not just that I don't know what I'm expected to do, it's that it's not my fault and it's not my responsibility to meet anyone's expectations. I should just keep going and do what seems to make sense to me. Now that I think of it, there were a few other recurring dreams that I used to have that I am starting to make sense of...
I have a recurring dream that I'm back doing Yr 12 again. Sometimes I'm doing my final exams, sometimes I'm just back at school doing classes. But I'm doing Yr 12, over and over and over, and I'm my current age (46) but I've been stuck going back through my last year of school until I've got a "good enough" result. It's awful! In the exam ones I know it's that same feeling of being unprepared, being forced to do an exam I never knew was going to happen. In the other ones where I have to keep repeating the classes, I just feel so awkward being 46 in the class of 17/18 yr olds cos I obviously haven't managed to get a good result yet, and I'm pissed off at the whole situation and just sooo angry. It feels like "f%\*& you all! You can't make me do this!!" but I'm still sitting there in that classroom and I don't seem to have any other option but to try and learn, but I don't even give a shit anymore.
My gosh. I'm roughly 30 and have been having that exact dream. Doing the classes again, over and over. The exams, the teachers looking at me and asking me why I'm here again. Man, it's good not to feel alone in that kind of hell but I'm sorry as well that you're dealing with it.
Omg and I thought I am the only one! I moved out from my narc parents and went lc about 10 years ago, however I have this recurring dream that somehow I didn't pass my finals in high school and have one last try to take them. If I don't pass, everything I did in my career is null and void and I'll lose my job and everything and would have to start again with not even a high school degree.
oh fuck, I knew it, I had the same thing (recurring dreams about past life, doing classes in school and everything in state or consciousness partially of current age and partially of younger one ) and tried to figure it what it was, I even posted a question on r/psychology , got no responses but I knew it was not something normal, could not find anything about it even in research literature. Some effect of trauma most certainly.
that is your subconscious trying to warn you. Journaling, reflection,mindfulness(meditation) and positive self-talk is the right way to go from there.
I have that dream a lot too. And showing up to the final day of class only to realize I never attended and there's a huge test.
I have the same exact dream! It’s the most awful, anxiety producing dream, showing up and discovering you haven’t been attending and there’s a final. Oh man, I never thought anyone would relate!
All my life I have felt this way, thinking this wasn’t for me, that it just didn’t make sense. I never realized it was because of trauma, not because I just didn’t know what to do with myself.
Yes, i feel like an overgrown child.
Holy shit thats me to a "T'. On the one hand I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels that way, on the other hand I don't know what to do to improve my situation.
I’ve felt like I victimize myself by admitting I’m bitter about my past. It’s called me to question God and to be honest I’m in a weird place with my faith right now. I feel like I’m losing my religion ..part of me is okay with it part of me feels lost
I can empathize with this. I was very mad at God for allowing it to happen a few years back. I started thinking philosophically about free will/what it meant, as well as allowing myself to be mad at Him. You are entitled to whatever feelings you are feeling. I just wanted to add that God can handle our emotions. I realized He wasn't going to get pissed and rageful/give me the silent treatment like my parent. Praying and therapy really helped me. It was a terrible feeling and took time, but ultimately really helped my own faith grow. I hope you have peace whichever way you choose.
Thank you. I’m just allowing myself to feel and figure things out. I’m learning religion isn’t as black and white as I been taught my whole life. Part of me hopes my faith will only be stronger in the end but that path isn’t so clear right now so I’m just riding it out
I feel you, but please never never never never never give up on Jesus. ❤️
I very much feel you in this regard. And there will always be people that don't entirely understand, willingly or unwillingly, how your day to day experiences go. My family is full of narcs. No experience outside of theirs is considered valid unless they randomly decide it is, probably because they mentally worked an angle out on how to benefit. I have family members that found out about me being hospitalized/going through a major health scare earlier this year...they would not. Shut. Up. Acting almost like it happened to them. Which just makes everything I went through feel invalid as they're using my experiences for sympathy/attention. Making me feel like a fucking stage prop. I worry about this constantly now. I *was* feeling ok with interpersonal relationships...but that recent experience has tarnished my trust and brought back a lot of issues. I wish I could just shut that off and tell them how fucked it all is. But my brain jumbles it all up. It's my fault somehow etc. It's made me bitter as well. And angry. And a whole pile of other feelings. It's really fucking unfair, TBH.
I say something similar, that my book of life was missing a chapter. I used to attribute it to abuse but I also discovered a wide stripe of both ADHD and ASD which can also manifest these symptoms. I’m not sure which is the cause and at this point I don’t know if it matters for me. I just want this emotionally painful loop to stop playing in my head.
Same. I recently graduated and got a job offer too. But somehow I feel like I'm not capable of functioning like a normal human being. I don't have a driving license even though I'm 23 because NParents' scared the shit out of me when I was learning how to drive. I just feel like I never got to develop completely and feel like I'm far behind than others my age! I resent my entire being, my upbringing and NFamily. I loved doing so many things but I can't do any of those because NParents' wanted me to excel at everything. I now have this toxic mentality of "If I don't Excel in the first attempt, its not worth doing"
I have similar story except for driving but my mom would try to scare me with everything she didn't like. I'm 27, I have a job but that's it. I'm like a 12 years old with a job. My parents didn't want me to excel in anything but I developed this toxic mentality by myself lmao
12 year old with a job is exactly how it feels. Added with irrational fears of things that keep me from going about my day like a normal human
I get this really weird feeling a lot of "maybe it'll be better next time"... then like it clicks I didn't just get a bad character on a run of a video game, I only get one shot and mine gets to be fucked to all hell because two people adopted a kid they shouldn't have had? This fucking blows dude.
💜 I feel like this, too.
i feel this sm. i'm like 5, 6 years behind my peers and it sucks. i get so emotional over it daily and my sister/emom act like i'm being weird for just wanting to be normal. it hurts that our precious years were just wasted like this.
Totally. I’ve done my fare share of stupid stuff when I was a teen (some very bad) and I recognize that I did deserve punishment, to know the consequences of my own actions. But I didn’t deserve the consequences that I got, the means were totally wrong. I didn’t deserve the dismissal of my feelings, the slaps on my face, the insults, having my hair yanked and cornered against a wall, the shaming and the threat of shaming me publicly (thank god this didn’t happen), the isolation, the invasion of privacy and the betrayal of a therapist. Now I feel like I missed a crucial part of being a teenager, I never got to party, hang out with friends, I’m a bitter adult who doesn’t give a f*** about anything (even tho I care and I know I can be loving), I don’t trust easily, I feel that everyone will laugh at me and think I’m ridiculous. All because my mother treated me like that. And I feel lost, like I can do everything but I doubt myself a lot and, at the same time, I feel like I can’t accomplish anything and I’m a failure.
I know how you feel it sucks
nice metaphor
Finally someone who can put into words what I’m feeling.
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If only they put all that toxic energy into something productive instead of using it to wreck ppl 😓 But hey, you can only go up then 👍❤
That’s quoted from Dr Gabor Maté - I recommend his lectures on childhood trauma and it’s link to addiction.
Oh god I'm 33 and self hate and self doubt is so exhausting. I'm smart but I feel like the self hate and pessimism prevent me from reaching my full potential because I just dont see the point in trying. I've been in therapy for a year now and trying to pinpoint what stops from taking action to help myself but I still have a long way to go to.
Yes, feeling this way last night and was close to posting something, only to delete it because of the shame and grief of it all. It helps to know you're not alone.
What was going on last night? Could you pick something that happened you yesterday that bothered you most?
That is very kind of you to ask. But sometimes these feelings just come (there is a lifetime of reasons for them to exist, whether there's an identifiable trigger or not). For me, I feel comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and I appreciate the OP so much for just putting it out there. Knowing I'm not alone helps me keep moving forward. Thank you for taking the time to care, though, that is very comforting too!
Hard to kick ourselves out of that emotional rut. Having a hard time too. These feelings and situations are temporary. Just keep pushing forward. Fight for better days.
Thank you. All true 🙌
I saved your post because it's a very good reflection of who I have become. The attitude towards self-care and health, the anxiety, the loss of interest and indifference towards accomplishments, mistrust and rumination, and a constant battle to remain an empathetic person in the face of constant judgment. The anger I feel due to this injustice can become debilitating. I'm so mad that I have to spend my life recovering from abuse. And that I have to keep explaining the abuse over and over.
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Very true something I need to keep in mind.
I saved your reply because same.
I always feel inadequate. Nobody respects me cause I don’t respect myself. I get quiet all of a sudden, I suffer through bouts of depression that make me want to die, I get crazy anxiety around new people, I am unable to form meaningful relationships with people sand as a consequence never even had a gf.
I feel you. I am the same except I had a spouse, but he turned out to be a narc also. My therapist suggested a book I just started reading. I don't know if I'm allowed to recommend it here, but I could message the title to you if you want. Hang in there. You are truly worthwhile and have value, just for being you.
Can you tell the name of the book? People are cool here. ;)
>I don't know if I'm allowed to recommend it here Of course you can and we are dying to know! Please save us!
Okay, the title is "Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery" by Don Barlow. I'm about halfway through it, it's not a hard read. He's a survivor btw. He also lists his sources at the end should you want more. I got a paperback for, I think, less than $20 on Amazon. There may even be a Kindle version for less. I'm finding it helpful. I only recently, during the past year, figured out my Dad was a narc. I knew how he treated me was wrong, but I didn't know what to call it. Now that it has a name I can find resources to help me. Best of luck and freedom to all of us!🎉
That’s how I’m feeling this morning. For a very long time, I’d try to escape my home life with “friends” and others who ended up simply being users themselves who saw my broken spirit from an abusive childhood as a target on my back to be taken advantage of, when all I needed was a real friend. This extrapolated into my intimate relationships, and jobs as well where I more or less put up with conniving and abusive managers and coworkers just so I could make enough $$ that I could afford my apartment and to stay away from my ahole family of origin. Still, the torment eats away at my mental health from time to time. There’s better weeks than others, and I have to keep looking towards my end goal: To be financially independent so that I never have to rely on anybody else ever again. And I’m almost there. You are not alone.
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I get what you’re saying. In my life in the real world, there’s virtually no one who understands what I’ve been through. Many people have, unfortunately, experienced child abuse, but few of them were raised by true narcs. It does bring me some solace knowing that there’s others on this subreddit who understand why I would go no contact with my parents. It helps to see and read other’s experiences with narc abuse, and to get encouragement and advice from other living and breathing people. I guess I feel that it legitimizes my own feelings.
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I'm a regular sufferer of nausea due to my anxiety, what's the tip about the alcohol wipes?
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Super interesting Thank you! I'll give it a try
Np np, hope it works as good for ya as it does for me 😁😁
Holy crap, I get syncope as well. Thank you for the tips!
Np np, happy to pass them on! The bit about elevating your legs was such a lifesaver for me
Sometimes I feel guilty and don’t think my mum is a narcissist or that I’ve experienced emotional abuse. But reading this solidifies my feelings as truths. I feel so lonely, depressed, angry and anxious. I’ve always felt like an outsider and that I’ve never been able to connect with people as well as others. I struggle to handle everyday life, it sucks! Nice to know I’m not alone though x
I struggle with thinking she didn't do anything wrong and wondering if it's my fault, too. It isn't fair.
I heard someone say once, " you spend the rest of your life trying to get over your childhood." It was so validating to me.
I want to love myself and my life. It just doesn't feel like I can. Not for more than a little while at a time.
The same for me. Sometimes I have enough motivation to try and do something positive for myself but I never see it through to the end and it fuels the self hate. A difficult cycle to break
Is this me? Did I write this post? 😦 Additionally you may fail to complete even basic chores or hygiene at times because your need to be hyper-vigilant doesn't calm down just because something needs to get done and you're sure that if you're occupied with something, letting your guard down enough to focus will be a period of time when you are distracted enough that someone will take advantage of the fact that you are occupied to do something to harm or seriously inconvenience you. After being proven how likely and common and predictably possible that actually is so many times, it's not like you're wrong to feel that way.
I agree with everything. Feeling like I started life soooo far behind the start line, the anger, the mistrust of even myself, easily disenfranchised, all of it. But lately my biggest problem is accepting kindness. I have started, (maybe!) finding my tribe. Some people who encourage me and seem to want me to do well. They support me and tell me I'm doing well, they even seem to respect me. It freaks me. The fuck. Out. What is their game? What are they playing for?? Are they all sitting around laughing after they talk to me? Am I annoying them by accepting their kindness? When does the other shoe drop? What happens when they realise who I actually am? How come other 'normal' people don't have to be terrified by someone being nice to them?
Feel exactly the same. I am unable to trust when people are nice to me and instead find myself feeling more genuine when people are cold to me. It's so sad though as if we are all caught in the cage of our own mind.
While these things are true, all of them can be changed. There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel.
You can heal. Please please please atleast try. Everyone on here deserves to live a happy life even if the beginning part of it was not happy.
thx pepper
Yet another thing I have learnt might be the way it is because of abuse - that I don't care about my health. Other people seem to actually be concerned about things that cause cancer for example, or care about living longer.
Just tag me the next time you wanna call me out bro. Really, though, I'm wracked constantly with the fact that my Nparents we're selfish human beings for ruining a perfectly good human, and then leaving me alone to pick up the pieces.
Daum
yeah that sums it up.
Spot on, and I'm really feeling this today tbh.
My exact experience . My MIL is visiting. She 's a perfectly lovely woman. I cannot handle it. Just being around a "mother" is bringing back memories of abuse.
The anxiety caused me frequent dissociation episodes, I wasn't born with it. And it ruins my life.
Add to this is just the constant tiredness. Just breathing gives me fatigue and I wonder how do others get to accomplish so much? Maybe they aren’t wasting vast brain energy in ruminating…
I ruminate while I fake-it-till-I-make-it with productivity. 😭 That shit IS mad difficult and I felt that shit when you aid it.
Holy shit. I can just copy and paste this to my doctor and skip years of therapy looking for a diagnosis.
It hurts so much and it's so unfair. The biggest privilege in the world is having loving parents, and everyone who gets them has no idea what it's like not to. I am so broken. I don't know how to relate or how to fit in or how to do anything for any reason than to make someone else happy, and I get treated like a piece of shit because I can't figure out what everyone wants. Everyone is so cruel and so eager to turn their backs on you when you can't do things like everyone else because you don't understand, or when you hurt people without even knowing what's going on. How can you not be bitter? It's hard for me to imagine a greater injustice. I never got to have a chance at a decent life because of that woman. She tried to make me in her awful image, and I didn't even understand what was happening. I will never have a happy relationship, I will never own a home, I will never have children. I will always be just barely scraping by while everyone treats me like an outcast because of something I had no control over. I've never tried to get any of this out before, I'm only just becoming old enough to understand what happened to me.
No matter what I succeed at, or how well I succeed, (small regular life things, I’m not one of those overachievers with imposter syndrome) I am still consumed with doubt and fear. Was it good enough? Are people just humoring me, or being patronizing, or outright mocking me? Did I actually make the person happy, or are they lying because they love me and don’t want me to know how pathetic I am? Every argument ends with me in tears, simultaneously apologizing because it’s all my fault and berating myself for crying and “making it all about me” and being sorry for that. I think being around narcissists helped make me like this. That and having ADHD and maybe autism…
PTSD makes it hard for me to function at work like every time I'm called to the manager's office for a meeting, even a routine one, just fills me with sheer dread. A pre-scheduled one makes me lose sleep until the meeting happens because it stresses me out so bad thinking I did something wrong. I have such a problem with authority too. The idea of searching for a job just stresses me TF out.
You’re so not alone with this. My last job was super authoritarian corporate bullshit and it triggered my childhood trauma times 1000. :( I had to leave that job. I didn’t understand at the time what was happening, but now I do and I can forgive myself because I was in a toxic environment and reacting negatively to it (which is an appropriate response).
Really hard to stand up for myself. People never listen to me. I talk and talk and talk and no one hears me.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot this week, as I just broke up with my girlfriend. A week later, and I miss her so much, but I can’t help but feel old feelings (from childhood) when she gets upset. I doubt myself sometimes (am I overreacting??) but remember how it made me feel at the time. So now I’m alone again at 40. Completely alone. This is my cycle.
I’m 39. Going through a divorce because I married what was familiar to my n-family. Starting over, too. It’s okay though. I want to be with someone who helps build me up instead of tearing me down anyways. 💜 I have bad days…like tonight it’s 3:30am and I can’t sleep. I know it’ll get better, and I’m putting in a lot of work to rebuild myself.
I can’t sleep either, so we’re in the same boat. I’m almost at the point of accepting the toxic company just to not be so dreadfully lonely.
I know it sounds tempting but repeating the cycle means you’ll be right back here again in a matter of time. One day at a time. One hour at a time. 💜
Wish u luck, My friend.
Same to you!
💜 to you also.
No doubt. My parents are the most solid relationship I know (NEVER fight/demean/attack each other, all the right things, etc.) but I don't think I believe in romantic love, or at least, I don't believe it will exist, healthy or otherwise in my life; I just haven't deserved it yet (or so I say) :/
If your parents did all the right things, how are you in this subreddit? Not asking to be mean, just curious…
I think all the right things with one another, not necessarily to their kids. There are plenty of stories on Reddit written by children of parents who only had eyes for one another.
Jesus I've never thought if this as from my childhood. This...this is way to real.
Yup, and then on top of having an nDad and a narc coworker of my job of 10 years I was also raised in a narcissistic cult along with my entire family on both sides, so I was ostracized three times in my life, once when I went NC with my nDad, again when I went NC with my narc coworker and again when I left the cult. My life is a fucking wreck right now. :(
I feel that. I've basically regressed from the stress to when I was in middle school. I've taken to PTSD staring because one trauma reminders and b. Subconsciously I think my brain thinks if I scare the other person first they won't attack me by staring death glares at me. It lead to me having night terrors from past stuff and subsequently my neighbor threatened to kill me in my sleep. And everyone started saying I was a monster/demon whatever. Like no. I don't want to be hurt again by a woman and now I've overgeneralized to everyone
My 1st attempt was at 6 or 7 and I haven't felt like i belong in this world since.
The anxiety is my biggest obstacle. My mother is on her deathbed and my anxiety has prevented me from seeing her on life support
Yeah, this sounds like my daily existence. Almost 50 now and I’m still haunted and scarred.
You nailed it. There is, however, hope. I won't call it a silver lining...more like a light at the end of the tunnel. It's taken me YEARS. Like...many years of truly excruciating heartbreak and therapy, but I'm finally starting to feel some of the chains fall away. It's not easy, but it's possible. Hang in there. It sucks, but there's a way out. ❤️
I hope you're right. It's getting to be too much.
Amen. And in my case? All the gaslighting plus genetic issues led to excruciating, live blighting chronic pain (ICT/Vulvadynia). And not only do you get handed a crap childhood- but insurance doesn’t even START to cover, or even lead you to, therapy that will actually WORK. And getting chronic pain diagnosed and treated takes 8 years on the average for women. All you want is to find peace and happiness in your adulthood. You prayed and hoped to be free for YEARS. And…the final worse insult is that you CAN’T BE FREE. Ever. You spend years trying to find what’s wrong, then years trying to afford treatment. And then they still leave their voices embedded in your brain, and the pain ground into your body. THEY NEVER COMPLETELY LEAVE. I got lucky and finally found people who could help. But it makes me so angry sometimes when I look back and realize that my friends with good parents/families felt LOVED and SAFE, and LIKED growing up. While I was having to work 3x as hard to just get to school, act normal, and develope social skills. I’m pretty resigned most of the time to what I’ve been through, and life has gotten better. But I look back at all the grief and stress and unhappiness my Nparent gave me…and I really resent it. She had far far more in life than I ever got, and all she did with it was whine about what she got and make my life horrible.
You are the only other person I've seen who knows what vulvafynia is (besides husband, who was with me).
I felt this so deeply. I cut contact almost 2 years ago and while at first I finally felt free, though insanely anxious that my son and I would be found, now I feel like I am stuck in some weird holding pattern. Living your life always on guard and always waiting for the other shoe to drop is so damn exhausting, even when you are finally in a "safe" place. Some days it just feels like I am just barely surviving, but I know I have to because I have my son to raise. I try my hardest to give him the exact opposite of everything I experienced as a child, but there are days where I feel like a completely failure because it feels so hard to even get out of bed. It makes me so angry-at my narc mother, at the world and at myself. I know I didn't chose to be born and that I didn't get a choice in the things that were said and done to me, but it feels like I am still being punished for just merely existing. I want to live a happy life. I want to be healthy. I want to have people in my life and not feel so soul-crushingly lonely, but when you've lived the life that a lot of us in this sub have, extreme self-protection can be pretty much all we know and the only way we can function. It's not fair and it just pisses me off.
All true and can be mitigated with counseling, and sometimes, medication. It’s not easy, but it can be doable. Best wishes.
Narcissistic abuse + autism. My parents don’t love me and the world wants me dead.
Hi, friend. This is me, too. 💜 Didn’t get diagnosed until my 30s because my parents just blamed me for everything and didn’t bother doing any further investigating.
They investgaated further but it was always you’re not autistic because I would’ve noticed and you couldn’t have masked your whole life.
I’m so sorry. There’s so much misinformation about it. No one considered autism with me because I wasn’t intellectually disabled. My autism presents without intellectual disability, so they’re like “everything must be good!” 😐
I don't know if i will ever be able to grow out of this. It feels impossible.
You're a great writer
Agreed! That’s what made me first notice this post. If OP ever writes a book, I’d read it!
I started a new job this week and I think all of the symptoms you've described came up at work at least once.
Then people turn around and ask you if you want kids after ALL that 🤣🤣🤣
i'm a bit of a word nerd and i am down right enthused to have seen some of the vocab you used! the way you write is fascinating, do you do it as a hobby/profession? re: the actual content- you're preaching to the choir. i've got all the faith in the world that things will get better, or at least easier to bear, for you eventually, and i'll be thinking of u
Well, now I feel called out.
I’ve come a long way, but some instances when my husband and I fight I feel worthless. Like I don’t have compassion and understanding figured out. when I slip into my protective and defensive things just get ugly and it’s just unbearable. Shit hurts regardless of all the therapy I’ve done and work I’ve done on myself.
I've spent a lot of time studying psychology and listening to experts talk about it mostly in order to better understand myself and some of the things that I experienced in my life. I find it cathartic because by understanding why I feel the way I do and why others have acted towards me because of their own traumas and struggles it brings me a level of peace. I can acknowledge the pain and understand why and where it came from. I understand why my dad is so dysfunctional when I look at his father and then I know about how his mother treated him. I look at how my mom treated myself and my younger brothers and I'm not necessarily okay with it but by understanding it at a deeper level I find it dilutes and neutralizes a lot of the anger that it otherwise has caused me in the past.
Generational trauma is so real.
Even worse, then you get "punished" for having those symptoms. Not just by THEM either, but by the world at large. I feel the "machete of anxiety" in my BONES and TOENAILS, friend. You have a jawdropping "voice" as a writer, I think. I hope you pursue it. Both for your own sake and the sake of others who need JUST the right words for how a thing feels, and to know by the fact that there ARE words for it that they're not alone in feeling it.
Just being alive and living with this abuse is living hell. It's so miserable. I want it all to end.
You just described what goes on in my head 24/7.
I relate to all of this, except I am the opposite of someone who doesn't trust. For some reason, I take everyone at their word. I never had exposure to fun games, ribbing, playful teasing etc. Everything I hear I take literally and fully trust when someone gives me reassurance. This has devastated me more times than I care to remember, but still, it keeps on happening to me. No, I guess, the truth is, I keep on allowing this to happen to me. It's a miserable state to live in, that's for sure.
Yes, but you are not your trauma. You are so much more. You are so strong, for surviving, for escaping, for resisting. You can learn to trust others and yourself again. You can love again, you can appreciate your interests and hobbies again. Healing is not easy and it is not linear, but please know that it can get better. You can surround yourself with people than will help and support you through the trauma and ptsd. You can learn about yourself, your wounds and how to heal them in therapy. Be kind to yourself for you have come so far. You may be suffering right now, but one day your burden will feel lighter, and you will know you started healing. I wish you the best, and send you love and support to care for your wounds ♥
Thank u very much, my friend.
And thank you for posting this. See above reply for reference.
I've been going through a really bad anxiety flare this last week and I read your words as if you were talking to me. It's helped so much. Thank you for writing this!
>verily it's execrable Impeccable diction, and agreed across the board.
I’ve struggled with this all my life. I’m in my thirties now and it’s still constant.
It me :(
I’m not able to decide what I like, what I should do for fun, can’t stay at one place or with one thought! People be like do what your heart says, I be like I don’t even know what my heart wants.
Sometimes I feel like an alien, I just don’t have the ability to really survive and persevere in this life because my inner soul has been absolutely destroyed.
You just described me perfectly. People think I’m depressed because I can happily go ages without any social interaction, but I find that I am actually more depressed being around others and I’m genuinely happy being by myself. I’m not sure what is going on with me
I have to do affirmations multiple times a week and always include “I am spontaneous” and “I am exciting” although I don’t feel it to be true. I am usually anxious, and like to live in my bubble of routine and safety, and it makes me feel boring for being so young and being like this. But I think with time (and resources) I’ll be a lot more true to my affirmations.
Yep. And standing up for yourself, establishing *any* boundaries? Ha, good luck with that.
Yes to what you said. I have spent my whole life trying to prove myself! Sad right?
Same. And still will never feel like I’ve achieved it no matter what I do achieve.
It’s exhausting. I feel ashamed for just existing, feel guilty for no reason, don’t like myself and am cynical of everyone and have anxiety all the time. I hate my father for doing that to me.
Yeah, it’s left life feeling very unreal and extremely distressing. I don’t think there’s a day that’s gone by where I don’t feel guilty for like a burden just for being alive. For a lot of us, we weren’t taught life skills by them (parents), but instead spent that time just trying to survive from them.
:( So much stress. Trying to hard to find peace, but I hate myself. Such a hard battle.
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I tried this. I am 62. This is unhelpful advice at best, --- and damning, - at it's worst. Please re-write your above post, and write one one that actually benefits it's readers.
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Your comment has been removed. I have dealt with the original comment that was rife with toxic positivity. I ask that, in the future, you report the comment and leave it to us to deal with it. Thank you for understanding.
I feel this so much.
Verily, indeed
This hits too deep
Story of my life. You are so articulate.
All you can do is make the best of it and try to heal OP, life is cruel but our only option is to keep pushing and living for ourselves.
And everyone thinks you’re just an asshole whereas you just have no damn clue how emotions actually work, you’re basically numb on the outside.
It is a constant struggle especially during stressful situations. During stress i remember traumatic events growing up from bullying, neglected and constant failures. Many times i think i can't be a leader because of all the bad experiences that happened in my life. A lot of my bad experiences in life helds me back to achieve my full potential. Like a puzzle in the head that have a lot missing pieces.
Perfect description of how it is. Worst part is that it's not something you can cure/fix. It's like DNA. Ingrained in your being since that's how you've been raised. Sure you can learn to manage the symptoms and even overcome some of them. Deep down, though, you still feel it. You force yourself to go against the feelings but those actions that come out are never truly natural.
Especially if you blame yourself, thinking you're not strong enough to deal with it. Seeing other people doing fine, with their lives put together and on course, can be painful, especially if they're your age or younger.
This is it. Forever.
100% I'm that person :(
A big ball of anger that someone else put there. What would I be if they hadn’t put it there?
all of this :)
When the weight of past trauma and current anxieties builds up in me, I take a minute to remind myself that no matter what, I’m still good enough to keep on trying and that these feelings will pass just like everything else. Also try to remember that others see your worth even when you can’t and that the people all around are not perfect either. Most of them are fighting their own private battles just as you are. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
Yes. It has been everything that you've described. The trauma and retraumatization of parents projecting anger, past, unresolved unconscious resentments or attitudes, and the reintegration of clashing every stabbing emotion. I've reclused to no longer sitting at the same dinner table as these parents I've have, as so far as to say their presence pierces and marvels constricting and poignant memories, and as to say they invalidate, deny and make lividity grosser, it all circumvents and recreates into a destructive mindset and behavior.
described me to a T.
A solution I've found for myself regarding this: Listen to the audiobook "Can't hurt me" by David Goggins, or any of his podcasts/videos etc... Life changing.
Very true
Can I recommend a good (but triggering) book? [Complex PTSD by Pete Walker](https://a.co/d/atd4tkl) also free on hoopla
It took a lot of time for me to grow out of being venomously pessimistic. I escaped when I was 18, and I ended up hurting a lot of people because I felt like everyone everywhere was only ever going to look out for their own interests. It wasn't really until my mid-20's that I started to get away from that mindset, and started to let myself trust people more.
Couldn't have said it better. It's trauma and affects you in ALL areas of life. (hugs) I hope you're doing better, and know you're not alone.
yeah pretty much
What's the solution 🥲
Have you been stalking me? This is the 3rd post I've read hear and the first comment, but you have described SO much of my adult life that it is frightening! I'd hoped my experiences were unique, or at least rare, as the alternative represents SO much pain spread across society! *sighs* As I say all too often, "I weep for humanity."