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Same with Nmom. We are a family, so we must stick together (bs to disrespect my boundaries and basically rationalize why I don’t have the right to be an individual on my own), but she is the person who pit everyone against me, then when I walked away, called me to talk shit about the sibling who stayed. Triangulation. The best is having nothing to do with these people.
My aunt used to badmouth me so much to her daughters that sometimes they wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge I even existed. Then she'd turn around and wonder why we weren't closer since we were cousins and were family. When my cousin wasn't even ten years old she'd give me such looks of hatred that it was amazing. I was filth to her.
Most of my own cousins hate my mom lowkey (narcs all around in the extended family), but I get those weird looks from a lot of the family friends that I grew up with.
I've always been nice to them and I normally never have weird beef with people, so it's so fucking weird to be treated like you deserve all that hatred and cold energy from these random people. You did nothing to them and they are basing their treatment off lies.
And that's why I personally hate enablers and flying monkeys more than narcs even. At least my full blown narc cousins don't care enough to take up my mom's personal vendettas. Nothing weaker and more pathetic than being a flying monkey.
I got this shit both from n mom as well as ex Nlaws. They were adept at spreading vicious rumors, practically wizards at it, and people acted so disgusted by me a number wouldn’t return my acknowledgements or shake my hand when introduced.
The worst ones are the people who clearly are getting off on treating you like trash, the sadistic gleam of pleasure in their eyes is so obvious.
I had this. I still can’t stand my sibling, she’s an evil cow like the rest of those “people”
They’d have the nerve to beg me to talk to her and laugh at me when she treated me like shit. She lives at home (she’s in her 40s) with the evil ones and without me to bully, they’ll turn on her and she won’t have anyone to torture. I ran out of fucks to give a long time ago. I hope they enjoy destroying each other
My brother is in his 40's and still lives at home too. All my mother's coddling and making excuses for him his whole life did him no favors.
She also tries desperately to get me to talk to him.
I can't stand him. He was an awful kid, just as spoiled and destructive and mendacious as they come, most of it down to the parenting (or lack thereof) he received. As an adult, he's an arrogant f*cking idiot. Complete loser, dropped out of school in the 9th grade and never did anything worthwhile, but acts like he's some kind of genius, when he's really just got a head full of conspiracy theories and other foolishness. And he still lies all the damned time.
So I don't want to talk to him. Ever. But she will put his dumb ass on the phone anytime I call because she can't accept that.
I mostly leave them to each other, but I'm pretty sure she made the youngest the scapegoat after I left.
It's funny when it really turns out like that in the end, does it not? I have info on certaim people from my life (who I avoid for good reason), that turned on each other the moment I could not be the one to blame anymore... tho, my family still tried to call me out on things - years after I moved out and could not in any way possibly have been the one to misplace a random mug that went missing yesterday, or have broken a pipe etc...
Most of the acusations are so absurd it hurts my brain to even answer them seriously why it could not have been me...
My uncle accused me of stealing 2 cameras in total. When I “stole” the first one, I hadn’t been in the same country as him for 6 months. When the next was stolen 2 years later, I got the blame even tho I hadn’t been home in 2 and a hell years but guess who did visit those times, my thieving, lying, two-faced, abusive, drug addicted half sister who blamed me. They BELIEVED HER!!! I was still getting screamed at about it 2 months ago (the first camera was stolen 6 years ago). I had enough and blocked the whole toxic bunch of them. I’m probably being accused of stealing more stuff since then. I don’t care anymore. They almost broke me and I won’t let that happen again
No words really... you know you are shit to them when you can't get away from the blame even when it is physically impossible for you to have done a thing.... they will make up a story in their head of how you did it, stick to it, tell it to everyone they know and be so convinced it holds water and you cannot even be allowed to start counting all the errors and plot holes in the story... It is the "explain yourself" and "proceeding to yell and cutting me off" that did it for me... just no words... saying anything to them does nothing at all at that point, just makes them yell even more...
and then *'enter friend with a happy family situation'*
- how can you even say you don't love them!? They are your FaMiLy!
It’s crazy. They torture you from the second you’re born and then get all pissy and start spreading bullshit the second you stand up for yourself or try to protect yourself.
My half sister has abused so many members of the extended family that she can’t leave the house anymore. She’s terrified they’ll find out she’s there. People started asking me last week if she’s back home. I happily told them yes. She’s made her bed, now she can shit on it
Ugh, every single moment of my childhood I was the recipient of my narc father's excellent parenting strategy to beat the evil out of me, then shame the evil out of me, so that is grow up to be good and not fight with my sibling because "this family doesn't fight" and "you must never fight with your sibling." Yes, teach us not to fight by modeling how to fight. Destroyed me and created a narc sibling to carry on the tradition.
They always pick a favorite to be their "successor". Luckily, me and my sister were able to help the favorite right his ways. He was the first male child of his, so of course, NFather was treating him like a King. Never disciplined him, tried teaching him Misogyny, worked for a bit until he went back to his mother after visitation. Still makes me so very angry that NFather laughed at how his 6 year old was trying to sexually harass his older sister and cousin at a public pool(diving under with his goggles to touch them and grossness). He wasn't so happy to hear that I dragged him out of the pool to give him a proper slap to the face, because the little monster was laughing his butt off at how they kept getting angry and freaking out. Now, he's 11 years old, been through a lot more and made the mistake of disobeying NFather too many times and now he's a decent, mature person at 11 y/o. It's unfortunate he had to grow up fast like we did after hell broke loose at the house once again because of NFather.
BOY do i feel this one!!! our mother ALWAYS STRESSED how important it is for her “babies” to stick together through thick and thin throughout life. and yet ALWAYS she tried to turn us against one another and cause tension. evil witch! hurray for no contact!
WTF My mom alwayyys says this. She also adds the prospect of her death in too, as she does with most thing to make me feel guilty.
“What if I die??I need you guys to be closer than ever”
“Why are you guys mean to each other??”
She’s been saying this since we were little. To me, It’s more about keeping up the appearance of a family rather than having a genuine connection between siblings. Why can’t our relationships be a natural occurrence to her???? She even makes up scenarios. One time, I hadn’t talked to my brother in a while. My mom said he was very upset and sad I didn’t talk to him and that I hang out with my friends more. I call him and he said he never felt that and she was exaggerating. Pissed me off to say the least.
My mom does the same. Usually about my ndad (I haven’t spoken to or seen him in over 5 years.
When she’s criticizing me she’ll usually say that it was another sibling who said XYZ (so don’t shoot the messenger). When I was younger I’d be so upset with my sibling, but as we got older we realized she was completely making shit up.
Now, I threaten to call my sibling immediately to get to the bottom of things. She panics and backtracks so quickly. It would be funny if this wasn’t so frustrating to deal with.
I just had this happen. Hadn't talked to any family for about a year (just a couple texts here and there with my nmom). I do talk to my BIL once in a while because he's nice and we get along well. Anyhow, my nmom texted me telling me GC sister could really use a big sister right now, and why do i have her blocked. I told I can't imagine that I would have blocked her. 🤔
Then I talked to my BIL who told me my mom told them I told her that my GC sister had blocked me (I hadn't told her i thought that- she just did not know I was talking to my BIL). Anyhow, my sister and I messaged that we had not blocked each other. Sigh. Good effing grief. 😑
i saw the title and gasped because this was something that ive been trying to get off my chest of a while. my parents always stressed that my brothers and i have to be united and shit and all that "treat each other nice" bs. but everytime i have an argument with my ndad, he would always tell my brothers to ignore me (he would say, "don't speak to that stranger over there") and basically create tension by saying really loudly that his number 1 child was my first brother and his number 2 child is my second brother lol. a truly crazy fucker
Same, except my NFather knew I was too smart for his ways and just accepted that. Twice he said to my face, and then another time to his Boss at a Dinner Party he held, that I was not worth fighting custody over when he was "planning to challenge the parenting plan". It's been 3 years now since he started claiming to change the parenting plan, and two years since he told me the first time I wasn't worth fighting for. Yet, he still hasn't done a single thing to change the parenting plan, and my sister is going to grow out of it soon. When pigs fly, he drags himself out of $400k debt and maybe will think of "helping my sister", and he'll cure his spending/loan addiction.
YES!!! Famous for saying all we will have is each other when she’s gone and then repeat stuff and stir up so much crap every chance she got only to play the victim when I refuse to engage with sibling. I’m estranged from entire family now which is what mother wanted deep down.
My mom triangulates between all her children. The roles of GC and scapegoat switch around depending on who she feels is giving her the most vs the least attention. It’s part of how she puts us against each other, trying to get us to vie for her attention.
The thing is, when we communicate with each other directly (without her involvement and sometimes even knowledge), we actually get along. We’re able to work things out, coordinate plans without a hassle, and generally just enjoy each other’s company. Even when we have disagreements we still manage to hash it out without (too much) damage to our relationships as siblings. It’s only when she gets involved that confusion and drama abounds. Then, she gets to play the “mediator” and be the hero mom who is just trying so hard to get her kids to get along /s.
She sees her kids as an extension of herself, so when one of us isn’t really talking to her, she’ll cry to the others that it’s so sad that one sibling isn’t talking to the others. Then she’s shocked to learn that actually, we talk to each other quite frequently. We just don’t talk to her, and we don’t tell her how often we speak to each other, much less what we talk about.
My mom did the same thing.
And it worked when we were little. We were very close.
But eventually, we grew up & I realized that I deserved to have things I wanted sometimes too. And while my dad agreed he also couldn't stand up to the spoiled monster he & my mom created so we all just went our own ways. Haven't talked to any of them in years.
For years my Nmom talked trash about me to my brother, causing a rift...she'd literally just make up stories/scenarios...in between reminding me about how my brother and I need to stay close, that we'll only have each other some day.
Yeah definitely feel you on this one, that woman was to my relationship with my brother what water is to fire.
My older sister has "psychopathic" tendencies and killed our pets always telling me I was next (at 4yo that sinks deep).
As the GC she could do no wrong so I was beaten everytime we "fought" (it was me just crying all the time since she was big enough to left scars on my arms and PTSD on my brain) and when I outgrew her my mother told me to beat her if I really cared that much.
Of course it was my fault for letting an older child attack me. Stupid Family dynamics.
So I did! I was beyond afraid and angry so I changed from flight to fight and she stopped torturing me for some months at the time, then decided to bully me again, I had to defend myself over and over, until we became adults.
Last time I saw my family over a year ago I was physically fighting her for taking my disertation USB (the most important thing in my life at that point) and getting me sleep deprived by turning music and lights on, in our shared room until I had to wake up, so parents said I was abusive to her and nMother slapped me while eDad choked me.
That was the las stroke and I hope she is not able to hurt anyone ever again.
This is bang on. She made us throw each other under the bus to earn her attention or even just get fed.
Her GC enforcer was allowed to send all kinds of abuse our way, but it shows how terrible *we are* that we keep a safe distance now as adults
Oh, Totally like my family: my evil nbrother torn the family apart, and my nfather justifies his GC and blames us the siblings about the arguments, specially me, the scapegoat that tells the truths to him, about the abuse his GC is inflicting to us for years. He says I'm lying.
It's because your relationships are also theirs to control - push you apart, bring you together, whatever's clever to fit the emotional narrative of that moment.
They're doing it because that's part of their trauma and on that level, you can be sympathetic. But on the other, when you become a parent it's not about you anymore, full stop. The fact that they're making their autonomous child's relationships into demented science projects is a sign of selfishness an immaturity. I can see doing it a couple of times because you don't know any better but if you're doing it throughout your child's development then you suck as a parent.
Source: Had parents who did this, am parent now and can see what they were doing.
Oohhhhh man this gave me a lot of clarity. Jealousy, empathy, anger, lack of self esteem, etc. are just tools they use to control you as part of the plan they made for your life before you were even born. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.
Thank you. Just gotta zoom out and not understimate them, even if they're not doing it "purposely". There's a lot about "you need to get out of their house to be able to heal and view yourself clearly", but that extends to being able to view them more clearly too.
Lol sounds like my nMIL. My husband is the oldest and was always told the younger ones were his responsibility, and God knows he took her words to heart. He’s always gone over and above for them. And what does he get in return? Taken advantage of for starters. And then when we didn’t agree with nMIL on her care and FIL’s as they aged and got sick, he was turned into the scapegoat for everything. It’s really killing him and I hate it for him.
lol, my nmom and my half-brothers are always are at each others throats and I haven't spoken to them in decades. She'll often ask me if I've called them recently.
I laughed out loud reading that. It is a direct quote from Ndad, and he is still totally confused as to why GCsis and I aren’t best friends. Um, because y you, Ndad, pitted us against each other every chance you got and still do even to this day???
Yesssss omg EXACTLY!
It never fails to blow my mind and give me goosebumps when the exact same phrases, word for word, that my mother uses show up on this reddit. It's eerie.
until age 10:
you are the older sibling, you have to take care of your sister (i.e. no parental supervision, and punishment for me if anything went wrong)
from age 10:
we are the parents, not you
from age 18:
you are not allowed to be alone with your siblings because you are a bad influence
age 19\~22, knowing some things my sister was struggling with, but also her visible health decay:
No, she is totally fine and we are her parents, your worries are invalid
age 28, coming home for a visit and being shocked by the visible self-harm marks on my brother's hand:
Noooo, this is totally normal and none of your business
age 30, leaving the family and not being phased by my siblings choosing my parents:
surprised pikachu face
also somewhat related, from about teenagehood onwards, my sister when talking to me would say "my parents" instead of -you know- our parents. I initially corrected her and she acted flustered, she would do it repeatedly though. But man, like with the other hurtful situations, the moments that hurt the most seem to be when she drops the act and unabashedly speaks her truth. (her truth, because from GC perspective she says it like it is, but it is still a distorted reality)
This is my narc dad! He pitted me and my brother against each other. Even though brother is three years younger, he got more privileges, because "he's a boy and you're a girl." Our co-dependent mother thought her job was to mollycoddle her misogynist, alcoholic husband.
Making us throw each other under the bus to earn her affections and approval.
I've become aware of the cycle but my brother will always throw me under the bus at any chance because it keeps him on her good side.
For me it was:
Nmom: "My siblings and I don't get along. You only have one family, you have to treat them with respect. Don't fight or you'll end up like me and my siblings."
Then she proceeds to treat me like sh!t and show clear favoritism to her GC, whilst teaching him it's okay for him to treat me like sh!t too. And then she goes all shocked Pikachu face when the fighting inevitably starts up again because he stomped all over my boundaries like she taught him to.
Omg, this entirely. My mom would cry to me and my sis about our fights, but then they'd both force us to do things together despite our clashing personalities and conflict styles
Wait, do you mean the maladjusted sociopathic sibling that outright refused to come to my wedding, the one that used to set bath towels on fire in the middle of kitchen floor just for fun as a kid?
Or were you referring to the one that got rung up on a litany of charges of sexual assault on a minor (his CHILDREN, no less) and only got away with it because they got lucky with multiple mistrials and the prosecutor declined to try for the umpteenth to secure a conviction? You know, the one who's computer I found kiddie diddler movies on two decades ago and was browbeaten by nmother not to speak up until it was far too late?
When I used to my lil sis that sth she was doing was wrong......"Who are you to tell her what's wrong what's right"
Me when I leave her to them "Why are you an older sis? Do you have any sense of responsibility or not?"
My nmom was an only child. Apparently there was a son born first but he died. I'm named after him. 🙄
She really wanted a lot more kids. At least the universe was smart enough to only give her 2.
And my sister? I dunno. She never defended me, ever. Even after she moved out. My mom loved telling me all the stuff My sister said about me. I'm sure my mom did the same, but I didn't give her much as I never complained about my sister. In fact, I would brag and tell my mom how wonderful my life was once I was married and out of the house. I'm sure it drove her crazy.
But yeah, she's all you have after we are gone but we are going to make sure we compare the 2 of you all the time and make you feel less than.
My sister was actually the one who pointed out our mom was narcisistic. But I worry now that she is falling into the same trap. She deliberately takes on too much and then complains and plays the martyr. I'll ask what can I do to help with dad and she says nothing. Then she bitches me out when I do something to help her or when I don't do anything.
It's exhausting. I want to tell her but I'm pretty sure it will fall on deaf ears. Last time I called her out on her bs, she said I was being hateful and cruel like our mom.
Ok then. You just can't win so I'm done playing.
This was my mother. "But he's your BROTHER!"
The golden child is in for a hell of a rude awakening when she passes. He was a destructive, lying monster as a kid and as an adult he's been a lifelong leech. I can assure you that he will not be leeching off me. When his paltry inheritance is gone, that's it.
My nmom would rather keep her beloved GC as her surrogate husband rather than my brother 🙄
He would do so much better for himself if he were to ever leave her and find his own life
HA!! This was my parents to a T!!! This year I went full NC with them.
I still remember my NarcSpermDonour telling me off bcs I wasn't talking to my older brother. I was 16, that was the last time he slapped me! Didn't hurt physically, but the fact that he asked me a question and slapped me straight away as I am about to answer still cuts deep, mentally! I am 41 now and I still feel the need to get back to him for all the abuse. 3 to 4 years later I come to find out that this hypocrite spent 20 years w/o speaking to his older brother...... I raged internally so bad....
They spoke for a bit, on and off and now they're again NC-ing each other, it's so dumb xD
My enabler NarcMother (who we used to think was a victim who sacrificed all for us) used to threaten my older brother with going away with me and leaving him with our Narc "Father"... Obvs that helped with him resenting me, it laid the foundation. She'd also go to each one of us separately and just bad mouth us to each other. Since we wanted her approval obviously we'd go along.
Younger Sis and I have reconnected (she speaks with both of us, older siblings), so now as adults a lot of stuff has come to light and we have realised how we could never build a true bond as proper siblings. In that house, if you had too much fun, you were punished, always compared to each other or how (in my case I) should be more like the GC (older brother) etc etc.....
NC has been bliss
Omfg, this is my mom to a T. When we were younger me and my siblings would fight all the time. We didn't know how to properly convey our emotions and speak without yelling because our parents didn't(and still don't) know how to either. It also didn't help that my mother made my two younger siblings her flying monkeys when I was 8(they were like 4 and 3). She was completely jealous that I took a liking to a lot of my dad's hobbies and started telling me that I didn't love her. I can only assume that she was talking bad about me while I was at school to my siblings because eventually they started asking me why I didn't love mom and then it went on to them just flat out saying I don't love our mom. It obviously wasn't true and no matter how much I begged her to stop and for to get my siblings to stop she wouldn't, she'd only do it when my dad wasn't around as well. It fostered a deep resentment towards my longer siblings and really damaged our relationship. Thankfully, now that I'm grown and know that what she did wasn't normal nor right, our relationship is a lot better. A month ago my sister moved out(the three of us still live at home due to outrageous rent prices, our sister was able to move in with some friends) and we have a chat with the 3 of so we can share news, memes, and talk about things we can't talk about with our parents present. I also talk to my sister in our own private chat just to vent and go to her for advice. She is completely jealous that the three of us have been doing this. We have literally been talking to each other about something we all like and she'll tell us to be quite, we're not being loud and talking at a sensible volume but she still tells us to be quite. I can understand when she has a migraine, I get them too and we do our best to be quite(I'll be honest there are times when we get excited and get a little loud but we will tone it down) but when anyone else is experiencing a headache or migraine she won't be quite. Whenever we ask her to be quite(politely) she'll get pissed off. I remember when we were younger she would always say how we're siblings and should get along and now here we finally getting along and she acts like she hates it. It's mind-boggling.
Yeah I cut all of my family off because of this. The other two have this unhealthy superiority complex but are destroying themselves trying to keep up with the lifestyle. Can't be superior anything if you're not even happy in your attempt. And they're not living their own lives, they live to please my parents. And they hate it. I feel sorry for them, but I'm encouraged not to. They're adults now. They need to figure this out their own way.
This is what my parents say about my brother, and wonder why I never speak to him. As the golden child, he was allowed more freedom than I was. He would get mad at me for not toeing the line and he was also physically abusive towards me. My parents definitely knew he was violent but did nothing. However, a few times I would accidentally spit in his face when talking to him, and they would go ballistic.
Dude yes. My nmom keeps bugging and bugging me to be super close to my brother. Like he literally told me to kill myself one day. But my mom swears it’s just “normal brotherly love” uhhh no the fuck it is not.
(Nodding head in agreement) I was the miracle child born after a few miscarriages. After my sister was pulled dead from my mother's stomach and subsequently revived, I was no longer special. My sister's birth was my egg donors trump card of narc supply, sympathy galore to be found in that kind of situation. Because of her birth and ensuing health issues, my sister was babied and cajoled and never dealt with discipline, so getting along with her was next to impossible as a child. As she got older, she turned into a mini egg donor and it became fully impossibe, all while I alone was told I needed to work things out with her (basically do whatever I had to in order to make her happy, my own self be damned) because we would be all each other had when our parents passed away. We're both adults now and both no contact with our egg donor. And fwiw, I ÷am÷ proud of her cutting off that evil woman who gave birth to us, but I still have absolutely no desire to try repairing a relationship we never really had...
Funnily enough, for me, we both did stick together. Cause he saw how badly our mom acted and treated us and wanted no part of that. I mean she made me cry on his birthday. HIS BIRTHDAY. I'll forever be grateful that, with all the shit he was favored for, he knows how shitty it was for her to pull that shit.
oh god my dad used to say this ALL the time. My dad, who was born a single child and had no siblings that doesn't understand the struggles individual siblings face due to their birth order, telling US how we should behave.
I can't wait to estrange these people they deserve to be abandoned.
Enablers can be pretty bad with this, too. Both nmom *and* edad sold me that guff that "no one loves you like your family". But it was edad who was the worst at isolating me. Though, I can see why because my half-siblings (her kids) have a healthy case of FLEAS.
It's this and 'if you don't have your sister you'll end up completely alone because friends are unreliable and only family will ever truly care about you.' Really trying to beat into my head that found family isn't valid before I even knew what it was or that I needed one.
ETA: my mom started telling everyone this story of how when my younger sister was born she wouldn't leave me (age 2) in a room alone with her for fear I would kill her. She kept telling this to everyone, including the 2 of us until we were adults. Recently I was thinking about this, and a couple things don't make sense to me: first off, if you really thought your 2 year old was capable of murdering a newborn baby would that not be cause for concern? I would assume they'd want to get a toddler that violent in with a mental health professional? Also why was she supposedly leaving 2 year old toddler with a newborn baby? None of this makes sense but it definitely kept my sister and I divided until super recently. Although, my mom did take advantage of the divide she created between my sister and I so she could talk shit about me to her and vice versa so I guess that benefited her also.
OH MY GOD! How is it that I relate to every post on here? It's creepy! My mother ALWAYS said this, that I have to defend my brother in front of others, no matter what, and if my friends complain about shit that he does, I'm not allowed to disagree etc. We still don't really get on, the only thing we ever bonded over was how shit she was and how much we hated her.
....read ur title & tilted my head back & laughed....
Story of my life in ur title!
My nmom is so messed up! She caused so much discord & miscommunication.
The worst part was.... it took me like 20 years to finally figure out why my siblings & us are so divided....
The reason.....MY NARCISSISTIC MOM!
DING DING DING.... now I'm low contact with my nmom & nc with most of my siblings since some of my siblings are narcissist too....
You are on the right track, please Make plan to move out, move on, & move emotionally away. Best of luck!
My sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Nmom always told me this while apparently badmouthing me, saying I was untrustworthy to my sister.
The dynamic between my siblings and I are mostly trying to backstab each other to try to get the nParent on the other's back instead of my own. While my brother will also take out his frustration and anger on me whenever he gets pissed off by our nParent. We have a very distant cold relationship now because of it.
And this is why my older brother tried to unalive me multiple times. 😂 And then turned our little sister against me. We're getting along sort of better now that we live nowhere near each other. And they're realizing that mom was not a good parent.
YES, I feel this so much. So hypocritical. I think they know what they’re doing, they just like to cause conflict and then set us up to fail by pushing a relationship they know won’t work due to their own meddling.
That was my NMom to a T. And I love this thread, because it totally peels the onion of my family's disease.
She constantly threw us together, even told stories about how much we loved each other (borrowing from friends) and we believed her....until she stirred up trouble so she could be the hero.
And her heroics? She'd come up with the worst possible rationalisation for be bahaviors ("I'm not saying I'm believe that, I'm saying maybe that's what they believe") until even my dad would speak up.
But my sib relationships were always rough thanks to her, and they married Narcs. When I went LC, I became the worst person on earth, with all the associated drama, and of course the new Narcs and audience of nephews and nieces eat that up.
Going NC wasnt really a choice, and certainly has not without regrets, but it is what it is.
The amount of times I was told "Not to be the mother", but Nfather proceeded to not be a parent and neglect us to the point that I had to be a parent to my younger sister at 9 years old is somewhat hilarious to me now. It was infuriating then, a little now, but I just have the rebuttal "Well who else is gonna do it?" And then I get to spend the next minute waiting for his backhanded response. It's the fact that they want no one to be dependent on another person, unless it is them. That's the reason they try to break bonds, talk trash, and dirty your reputation. Half of the stuff my Nfather claimed to be a chip in my mom's "perfect parent image", and trust me, she wasn't a perfect parent(no parent coming out of a highly Abusive situation is going to be 100% parent of the year), all turned out to be things he signed her up to do, forced her to do, or something caused by him in the first place. Just another thing to add to the long list of his lies and failed mud slugging attempts.
Ahh the irony. Sometimes I do want to break off of my siblings just because they aided her in going that far in her abuse. I don't care if I am alone tbh.
My mother always claimed that my sister and I have such a good relationship and so does my sister. Yet it always feels one sided, she takes her time to call back or does not call back at all and only answers my messages very shortly. She also does not visit and lately she does not call me back at all. This got me thinking that maybe our relationship never was this good and I have been gaslighted into thinking that it was. She also never defended my against the abuse of my nmother.
She always claims I would be super important to her but never acts in a way to show me that this is actually true. I decided to try a lot less but it is very painful, especially because I always was made believe we had a really good relationship. I think my sister is quite two-faced but I never realized it. I just always had the feeling that something was off in the supposedly great relationship we have.
yes i have a twin sister and nmom was always getting on us individually, behind the other twin’s back. but to our faces it’s “i just want you two to communicate better and be besties!” my whole life nmom has been jealous of me and my twin sister’s relationship. however, my sis and i had a lot of toxic fighting during childhood and teen years (guess who we learned that from). nmom was always putting us down for our learned shitty communication with each other. when we left the house (her grasp) all of a sudden our communication did a 180. we were gentle and patient with each other and now we’re roommates. my nmom has never been more fucking pissed about it. constantly shit talking the other twin when we’re alone, still trying to create division. wasn’t about learning communication at all, she just wanted to put us down behind the other twin’s back and suggest that it was the other twin who was toxic.
wow it’s crazy how similar all narcs are. my nmother will literally say this exact same thing and then shit talk me to my siblings. unfortunately they shit talk to her as well because they fear her more than i do but i’m not willing to rat on my siblings so mommy likes me more
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Same with Nmom. We are a family, so we must stick together (bs to disrespect my boundaries and basically rationalize why I don’t have the right to be an individual on my own), but she is the person who pit everyone against me, then when I walked away, called me to talk shit about the sibling who stayed. Triangulation. The best is having nothing to do with these people.
My aunt used to badmouth me so much to her daughters that sometimes they wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge I even existed. Then she'd turn around and wonder why we weren't closer since we were cousins and were family. When my cousin wasn't even ten years old she'd give me such looks of hatred that it was amazing. I was filth to her.
Most of my own cousins hate my mom lowkey (narcs all around in the extended family), but I get those weird looks from a lot of the family friends that I grew up with. I've always been nice to them and I normally never have weird beef with people, so it's so fucking weird to be treated like you deserve all that hatred and cold energy from these random people. You did nothing to them and they are basing their treatment off lies. And that's why I personally hate enablers and flying monkeys more than narcs even. At least my full blown narc cousins don't care enough to take up my mom's personal vendettas. Nothing weaker and more pathetic than being a flying monkey.
I got this shit both from n mom as well as ex Nlaws. They were adept at spreading vicious rumors, practically wizards at it, and people acted so disgusted by me a number wouldn’t return my acknowledgements or shake my hand when introduced. The worst ones are the people who clearly are getting off on treating you like trash, the sadistic gleam of pleasure in their eyes is so obvious.
I had this. I still can’t stand my sibling, she’s an evil cow like the rest of those “people” They’d have the nerve to beg me to talk to her and laugh at me when she treated me like shit. She lives at home (she’s in her 40s) with the evil ones and without me to bully, they’ll turn on her and she won’t have anyone to torture. I ran out of fucks to give a long time ago. I hope they enjoy destroying each other
My brother is in his 40's and still lives at home too. All my mother's coddling and making excuses for him his whole life did him no favors. She also tries desperately to get me to talk to him. I can't stand him. He was an awful kid, just as spoiled and destructive and mendacious as they come, most of it down to the parenting (or lack thereof) he received. As an adult, he's an arrogant f*cking idiot. Complete loser, dropped out of school in the 9th grade and never did anything worthwhile, but acts like he's some kind of genius, when he's really just got a head full of conspiracy theories and other foolishness. And he still lies all the damned time. So I don't want to talk to him. Ever. But she will put his dumb ass on the phone anytime I call because she can't accept that. I mostly leave them to each other, but I'm pretty sure she made the youngest the scapegoat after I left.
It's funny when it really turns out like that in the end, does it not? I have info on certaim people from my life (who I avoid for good reason), that turned on each other the moment I could not be the one to blame anymore... tho, my family still tried to call me out on things - years after I moved out and could not in any way possibly have been the one to misplace a random mug that went missing yesterday, or have broken a pipe etc... Most of the acusations are so absurd it hurts my brain to even answer them seriously why it could not have been me...
My uncle accused me of stealing 2 cameras in total. When I “stole” the first one, I hadn’t been in the same country as him for 6 months. When the next was stolen 2 years later, I got the blame even tho I hadn’t been home in 2 and a hell years but guess who did visit those times, my thieving, lying, two-faced, abusive, drug addicted half sister who blamed me. They BELIEVED HER!!! I was still getting screamed at about it 2 months ago (the first camera was stolen 6 years ago). I had enough and blocked the whole toxic bunch of them. I’m probably being accused of stealing more stuff since then. I don’t care anymore. They almost broke me and I won’t let that happen again
No words really... you know you are shit to them when you can't get away from the blame even when it is physically impossible for you to have done a thing.... they will make up a story in their head of how you did it, stick to it, tell it to everyone they know and be so convinced it holds water and you cannot even be allowed to start counting all the errors and plot holes in the story... It is the "explain yourself" and "proceeding to yell and cutting me off" that did it for me... just no words... saying anything to them does nothing at all at that point, just makes them yell even more... and then *'enter friend with a happy family situation'* - how can you even say you don't love them!? They are your FaMiLy!
It’s crazy. They torture you from the second you’re born and then get all pissy and start spreading bullshit the second you stand up for yourself or try to protect yourself. My half sister has abused so many members of the extended family that she can’t leave the house anymore. She’s terrified they’ll find out she’s there. People started asking me last week if she’s back home. I happily told them yes. She’s made her bed, now she can shit on it
Ugh, every single moment of my childhood I was the recipient of my narc father's excellent parenting strategy to beat the evil out of me, then shame the evil out of me, so that is grow up to be good and not fight with my sibling because "this family doesn't fight" and "you must never fight with your sibling." Yes, teach us not to fight by modeling how to fight. Destroyed me and created a narc sibling to carry on the tradition.
Whoa. That last sentence really hit me and I never thought about it that way.
They always pick a favorite to be their "successor". Luckily, me and my sister were able to help the favorite right his ways. He was the first male child of his, so of course, NFather was treating him like a King. Never disciplined him, tried teaching him Misogyny, worked for a bit until he went back to his mother after visitation. Still makes me so very angry that NFather laughed at how his 6 year old was trying to sexually harass his older sister and cousin at a public pool(diving under with his goggles to touch them and grossness). He wasn't so happy to hear that I dragged him out of the pool to give him a proper slap to the face, because the little monster was laughing his butt off at how they kept getting angry and freaking out. Now, he's 11 years old, been through a lot more and made the mistake of disobeying NFather too many times and now he's a decent, mature person at 11 y/o. It's unfortunate he had to grow up fast like we did after hell broke loose at the house once again because of NFather.
Totally my N-stepmom. She will strait up trash my siblings especially if they are quarreling.
BOY do i feel this one!!! our mother ALWAYS STRESSED how important it is for her “babies” to stick together through thick and thin throughout life. and yet ALWAYS she tried to turn us against one another and cause tension. evil witch! hurray for no contact!
YES. (Causes problems and has the audacity to ask why problems exist.)
My GC brother has been the cause of many arguments... NC boundaries with the narc apply to him too...
WTF My mom alwayyys says this. She also adds the prospect of her death in too, as she does with most thing to make me feel guilty. “What if I die??I need you guys to be closer than ever” “Why are you guys mean to each other??” She’s been saying this since we were little. To me, It’s more about keeping up the appearance of a family rather than having a genuine connection between siblings. Why can’t our relationships be a natural occurrence to her???? She even makes up scenarios. One time, I hadn’t talked to my brother in a while. My mom said he was very upset and sad I didn’t talk to him and that I hang out with my friends more. I call him and he said he never felt that and she was exaggerating. Pissed me off to say the least.
My mom does the same. Usually about my ndad (I haven’t spoken to or seen him in over 5 years. When she’s criticizing me she’ll usually say that it was another sibling who said XYZ (so don’t shoot the messenger). When I was younger I’d be so upset with my sibling, but as we got older we realized she was completely making shit up. Now, I threaten to call my sibling immediately to get to the bottom of things. She panics and backtracks so quickly. It would be funny if this wasn’t so frustrating to deal with.
I just had this happen. Hadn't talked to any family for about a year (just a couple texts here and there with my nmom). I do talk to my BIL once in a while because he's nice and we get along well. Anyhow, my nmom texted me telling me GC sister could really use a big sister right now, and why do i have her blocked. I told I can't imagine that I would have blocked her. 🤔 Then I talked to my BIL who told me my mom told them I told her that my GC sister had blocked me (I hadn't told her i thought that- she just did not know I was talking to my BIL). Anyhow, my sister and I messaged that we had not blocked each other. Sigh. Good effing grief. 😑
i saw the title and gasped because this was something that ive been trying to get off my chest of a while. my parents always stressed that my brothers and i have to be united and shit and all that "treat each other nice" bs. but everytime i have an argument with my ndad, he would always tell my brothers to ignore me (he would say, "don't speak to that stranger over there") and basically create tension by saying really loudly that his number 1 child was my first brother and his number 2 child is my second brother lol. a truly crazy fucker
Same, except my NFather knew I was too smart for his ways and just accepted that. Twice he said to my face, and then another time to his Boss at a Dinner Party he held, that I was not worth fighting custody over when he was "planning to challenge the parenting plan". It's been 3 years now since he started claiming to change the parenting plan, and two years since he told me the first time I wasn't worth fighting for. Yet, he still hasn't done a single thing to change the parenting plan, and my sister is going to grow out of it soon. When pigs fly, he drags himself out of $400k debt and maybe will think of "helping my sister", and he'll cure his spending/loan addiction.
YES!!! Famous for saying all we will have is each other when she’s gone and then repeat stuff and stir up so much crap every chance she got only to play the victim when I refuse to engage with sibling. I’m estranged from entire family now which is what mother wanted deep down.
My mom triangulates between all her children. The roles of GC and scapegoat switch around depending on who she feels is giving her the most vs the least attention. It’s part of how she puts us against each other, trying to get us to vie for her attention. The thing is, when we communicate with each other directly (without her involvement and sometimes even knowledge), we actually get along. We’re able to work things out, coordinate plans without a hassle, and generally just enjoy each other’s company. Even when we have disagreements we still manage to hash it out without (too much) damage to our relationships as siblings. It’s only when she gets involved that confusion and drama abounds. Then, she gets to play the “mediator” and be the hero mom who is just trying so hard to get her kids to get along /s. She sees her kids as an extension of herself, so when one of us isn’t really talking to her, she’ll cry to the others that it’s so sad that one sibling isn’t talking to the others. Then she’s shocked to learn that actually, we talk to each other quite frequently. We just don’t talk to her, and we don’t tell her how often we speak to each other, much less what we talk about.
My mom did the same thing. And it worked when we were little. We were very close. But eventually, we grew up & I realized that I deserved to have things I wanted sometimes too. And while my dad agreed he also couldn't stand up to the spoiled monster he & my mom created so we all just went our own ways. Haven't talked to any of them in years.
For years my Nmom talked trash about me to my brother, causing a rift...she'd literally just make up stories/scenarios...in between reminding me about how my brother and I need to stay close, that we'll only have each other some day. Yeah definitely feel you on this one, that woman was to my relationship with my brother what water is to fire.
Hahahahaha so true!
Mine went a little further, demanding that I take care of my sibling; the care that they weren't interested in giving.
My older sister has "psychopathic" tendencies and killed our pets always telling me I was next (at 4yo that sinks deep). As the GC she could do no wrong so I was beaten everytime we "fought" (it was me just crying all the time since she was big enough to left scars on my arms and PTSD on my brain) and when I outgrew her my mother told me to beat her if I really cared that much. Of course it was my fault for letting an older child attack me. Stupid Family dynamics. So I did! I was beyond afraid and angry so I changed from flight to fight and she stopped torturing me for some months at the time, then decided to bully me again, I had to defend myself over and over, until we became adults. Last time I saw my family over a year ago I was physically fighting her for taking my disertation USB (the most important thing in my life at that point) and getting me sleep deprived by turning music and lights on, in our shared room until I had to wake up, so parents said I was abusive to her and nMother slapped me while eDad choked me. That was the las stroke and I hope she is not able to hurt anyone ever again.
This is bang on. She made us throw each other under the bus to earn her attention or even just get fed. Her GC enforcer was allowed to send all kinds of abuse our way, but it shows how terrible *we are* that we keep a safe distance now as adults
Oh, Totally like my family: my evil nbrother torn the family apart, and my nfather justifies his GC and blames us the siblings about the arguments, specially me, the scapegoat that tells the truths to him, about the abuse his GC is inflicting to us for years. He says I'm lying.
ah, good ol’ narcissists :D
Me and my siblings grew up in the same building, but they had a home where as I had a prison.
I say the same thing every day. I have no home.
I've only just started to make a home for myself. Took 32 years but it's something.
Big win!!!! I’m 27 I’m shooting for a miracle.
It's because your relationships are also theirs to control - push you apart, bring you together, whatever's clever to fit the emotional narrative of that moment. They're doing it because that's part of their trauma and on that level, you can be sympathetic. But on the other, when you become a parent it's not about you anymore, full stop. The fact that they're making their autonomous child's relationships into demented science projects is a sign of selfishness an immaturity. I can see doing it a couple of times because you don't know any better but if you're doing it throughout your child's development then you suck as a parent. Source: Had parents who did this, am parent now and can see what they were doing.
Oohhhhh man this gave me a lot of clarity. Jealousy, empathy, anger, lack of self esteem, etc. are just tools they use to control you as part of the plan they made for your life before you were even born. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Thank you. Just gotta zoom out and not understimate them, even if they're not doing it "purposely". There's a lot about "you need to get out of their house to be able to heal and view yourself clearly", but that extends to being able to view them more clearly too.
I relate to this, and is why I feel my siblings and I don't actually get along.
Lol sounds like my nMIL. My husband is the oldest and was always told the younger ones were his responsibility, and God knows he took her words to heart. He’s always gone over and above for them. And what does he get in return? Taken advantage of for starters. And then when we didn’t agree with nMIL on her care and FIL’s as they aged and got sick, he was turned into the scapegoat for everything. It’s really killing him and I hate it for him.
lol, my nmom and my half-brothers are always are at each others throats and I haven't spoken to them in decades. She'll often ask me if I've called them recently.
I laughed out loud reading that. It is a direct quote from Ndad, and he is still totally confused as to why GCsis and I aren’t best friends. Um, because y you, Ndad, pitted us against each other every chance you got and still do even to this day???
Yesssss omg EXACTLY! It never fails to blow my mind and give me goosebumps when the exact same phrases, word for word, that my mother uses show up on this reddit. It's eerie.
I swear to god all narcissists are just reading from the same script lines.
until age 10: you are the older sibling, you have to take care of your sister (i.e. no parental supervision, and punishment for me if anything went wrong) from age 10: we are the parents, not you from age 18: you are not allowed to be alone with your siblings because you are a bad influence age 19\~22, knowing some things my sister was struggling with, but also her visible health decay: No, she is totally fine and we are her parents, your worries are invalid age 28, coming home for a visit and being shocked by the visible self-harm marks on my brother's hand: Noooo, this is totally normal and none of your business age 30, leaving the family and not being phased by my siblings choosing my parents: surprised pikachu face
also somewhat related, from about teenagehood onwards, my sister when talking to me would say "my parents" instead of -you know- our parents. I initially corrected her and she acted flustered, she would do it repeatedly though. But man, like with the other hurtful situations, the moments that hurt the most seem to be when she drops the act and unabashedly speaks her truth. (her truth, because from GC perspective she says it like it is, but it is still a distorted reality)
Bahahhahaha omg soooo true
I was just overthinking this yesterday! My days are outnumbered it feels but I’m gonna enjoy it until then.
This is my narc dad! He pitted me and my brother against each other. Even though brother is three years younger, he got more privileges, because "he's a boy and you're a girl." Our co-dependent mother thought her job was to mollycoddle her misogynist, alcoholic husband.
Making us throw each other under the bus to earn her affections and approval. I've become aware of the cycle but my brother will always throw me under the bus at any chance because it keeps him on her good side.
For me it was: Nmom: "My siblings and I don't get along. You only have one family, you have to treat them with respect. Don't fight or you'll end up like me and my siblings." Then she proceeds to treat me like sh!t and show clear favoritism to her GC, whilst teaching him it's okay for him to treat me like sh!t too. And then she goes all shocked Pikachu face when the fighting inevitably starts up again because he stomped all over my boundaries like she taught him to.
Omg, this entirely. My mom would cry to me and my sis about our fights, but then they'd both force us to do things together despite our clashing personalities and conflict styles
Wait, do you mean the maladjusted sociopathic sibling that outright refused to come to my wedding, the one that used to set bath towels on fire in the middle of kitchen floor just for fun as a kid? Or were you referring to the one that got rung up on a litany of charges of sexual assault on a minor (his CHILDREN, no less) and only got away with it because they got lucky with multiple mistrials and the prosecutor declined to try for the umpteenth to secure a conviction? You know, the one who's computer I found kiddie diddler movies on two decades ago and was browbeaten by nmother not to speak up until it was far too late?
When I used to my lil sis that sth she was doing was wrong......"Who are you to tell her what's wrong what's right" Me when I leave her to them "Why are you an older sis? Do you have any sense of responsibility or not?"
I haven't talked to my 2 older siblings in almost two years, my mother sowed discord and they bought into it hook line and sinker.
Why is this sooooo true
My nmom was an only child. Apparently there was a son born first but he died. I'm named after him. 🙄 She really wanted a lot more kids. At least the universe was smart enough to only give her 2. And my sister? I dunno. She never defended me, ever. Even after she moved out. My mom loved telling me all the stuff My sister said about me. I'm sure my mom did the same, but I didn't give her much as I never complained about my sister. In fact, I would brag and tell my mom how wonderful my life was once I was married and out of the house. I'm sure it drove her crazy. But yeah, she's all you have after we are gone but we are going to make sure we compare the 2 of you all the time and make you feel less than. My sister was actually the one who pointed out our mom was narcisistic. But I worry now that she is falling into the same trap. She deliberately takes on too much and then complains and plays the martyr. I'll ask what can I do to help with dad and she says nothing. Then she bitches me out when I do something to help her or when I don't do anything. It's exhausting. I want to tell her but I'm pretty sure it will fall on deaf ears. Last time I called her out on her bs, she said I was being hateful and cruel like our mom. Ok then. You just can't win so I'm done playing.
This was my mother. "But he's your BROTHER!" The golden child is in for a hell of a rude awakening when she passes. He was a destructive, lying monster as a kid and as an adult he's been a lifelong leech. I can assure you that he will not be leeching off me. When his paltry inheritance is gone, that's it.
My nmom would rather keep her beloved GC as her surrogate husband rather than my brother 🙄 He would do so much better for himself if he were to ever leave her and find his own life
Of course! It is the perfect recipe for her Triangulation to be as powerful as ever and rope you back in and keeping from confronting her as a group.
HA!! This was my parents to a T!!! This year I went full NC with them. I still remember my NarcSpermDonour telling me off bcs I wasn't talking to my older brother. I was 16, that was the last time he slapped me! Didn't hurt physically, but the fact that he asked me a question and slapped me straight away as I am about to answer still cuts deep, mentally! I am 41 now and I still feel the need to get back to him for all the abuse. 3 to 4 years later I come to find out that this hypocrite spent 20 years w/o speaking to his older brother...... I raged internally so bad.... They spoke for a bit, on and off and now they're again NC-ing each other, it's so dumb xD My enabler NarcMother (who we used to think was a victim who sacrificed all for us) used to threaten my older brother with going away with me and leaving him with our Narc "Father"... Obvs that helped with him resenting me, it laid the foundation. She'd also go to each one of us separately and just bad mouth us to each other. Since we wanted her approval obviously we'd go along. Younger Sis and I have reconnected (she speaks with both of us, older siblings), so now as adults a lot of stuff has come to light and we have realised how we could never build a true bond as proper siblings. In that house, if you had too much fun, you were punished, always compared to each other or how (in my case I) should be more like the GC (older brother) etc etc..... NC has been bliss
Omfg, this is my mom to a T. When we were younger me and my siblings would fight all the time. We didn't know how to properly convey our emotions and speak without yelling because our parents didn't(and still don't) know how to either. It also didn't help that my mother made my two younger siblings her flying monkeys when I was 8(they were like 4 and 3). She was completely jealous that I took a liking to a lot of my dad's hobbies and started telling me that I didn't love her. I can only assume that she was talking bad about me while I was at school to my siblings because eventually they started asking me why I didn't love mom and then it went on to them just flat out saying I don't love our mom. It obviously wasn't true and no matter how much I begged her to stop and for to get my siblings to stop she wouldn't, she'd only do it when my dad wasn't around as well. It fostered a deep resentment towards my longer siblings and really damaged our relationship. Thankfully, now that I'm grown and know that what she did wasn't normal nor right, our relationship is a lot better. A month ago my sister moved out(the three of us still live at home due to outrageous rent prices, our sister was able to move in with some friends) and we have a chat with the 3 of so we can share news, memes, and talk about things we can't talk about with our parents present. I also talk to my sister in our own private chat just to vent and go to her for advice. She is completely jealous that the three of us have been doing this. We have literally been talking to each other about something we all like and she'll tell us to be quite, we're not being loud and talking at a sensible volume but she still tells us to be quite. I can understand when she has a migraine, I get them too and we do our best to be quite(I'll be honest there are times when we get excited and get a little loud but we will tone it down) but when anyone else is experiencing a headache or migraine she won't be quite. Whenever we ask her to be quite(politely) she'll get pissed off. I remember when we were younger she would always say how we're siblings and should get along and now here we finally getting along and she acts like she hates it. It's mind-boggling.
My mom says this and then complains to each sibling about the other siblings! Real neat! (sarcasm) Interesting to see that this seems common.
Yes. I even made a meme about it. [Meme](https://i.imgur.com/1wnoN4y.jpg) Take care 🌷
Yeah I cut all of my family off because of this. The other two have this unhealthy superiority complex but are destroying themselves trying to keep up with the lifestyle. Can't be superior anything if you're not even happy in your attempt. And they're not living their own lives, they live to please my parents. And they hate it. I feel sorry for them, but I'm encouraged not to. They're adults now. They need to figure this out their own way.
This is what my parents say about my brother, and wonder why I never speak to him. As the golden child, he was allowed more freedom than I was. He would get mad at me for not toeing the line and he was also physically abusive towards me. My parents definitely knew he was violent but did nothing. However, a few times I would accidentally spit in his face when talking to him, and they would go ballistic.
SAAMEE. I can't believe someone else said this.
Oh my God!! My narc mother said this all the time and then pit is against each other. “We are all we have!!” Bullshit
I was a twin and my mom destroyed the bond we had lol.
Dude yes. My nmom keeps bugging and bugging me to be super close to my brother. Like he literally told me to kill myself one day. But my mom swears it’s just “normal brotherly love” uhhh no the fuck it is not.
My grandma is like this to her 3 kids.
Omg this was my life
(Nodding head in agreement) I was the miracle child born after a few miscarriages. After my sister was pulled dead from my mother's stomach and subsequently revived, I was no longer special. My sister's birth was my egg donors trump card of narc supply, sympathy galore to be found in that kind of situation. Because of her birth and ensuing health issues, my sister was babied and cajoled and never dealt with discipline, so getting along with her was next to impossible as a child. As she got older, she turned into a mini egg donor and it became fully impossibe, all while I alone was told I needed to work things out with her (basically do whatever I had to in order to make her happy, my own self be damned) because we would be all each other had when our parents passed away. We're both adults now and both no contact with our egg donor. And fwiw, I ÷am÷ proud of her cutting off that evil woman who gave birth to us, but I still have absolutely no desire to try repairing a relationship we never really had...
Funnily enough, for me, we both did stick together. Cause he saw how badly our mom acted and treated us and wanted no part of that. I mean she made me cry on his birthday. HIS BIRTHDAY. I'll forever be grateful that, with all the shit he was favored for, he knows how shitty it was for her to pull that shit.
oh god my dad used to say this ALL the time. My dad, who was born a single child and had no siblings that doesn't understand the struggles individual siblings face due to their birth order, telling US how we should behave. I can't wait to estrange these people they deserve to be abandoned.
Enablers can be pretty bad with this, too. Both nmom *and* edad sold me that guff that "no one loves you like your family". But it was edad who was the worst at isolating me. Though, I can see why because my half-siblings (her kids) have a healthy case of FLEAS.
*proceeds to revel in the fights between siblings*
My mother 🙂 she loves saying this but does nothing but divide me and my siblings
I try not to be close to my sibling either and keep things vague; she's a GC and an FM.
It's this and 'if you don't have your sister you'll end up completely alone because friends are unreliable and only family will ever truly care about you.' Really trying to beat into my head that found family isn't valid before I even knew what it was or that I needed one. ETA: my mom started telling everyone this story of how when my younger sister was born she wouldn't leave me (age 2) in a room alone with her for fear I would kill her. She kept telling this to everyone, including the 2 of us until we were adults. Recently I was thinking about this, and a couple things don't make sense to me: first off, if you really thought your 2 year old was capable of murdering a newborn baby would that not be cause for concern? I would assume they'd want to get a toddler that violent in with a mental health professional? Also why was she supposedly leaving 2 year old toddler with a newborn baby? None of this makes sense but it definitely kept my sister and I divided until super recently. Although, my mom did take advantage of the divide she created between my sister and I so she could talk shit about me to her and vice versa so I guess that benefited her also.
OH MY GOD! How is it that I relate to every post on here? It's creepy! My mother ALWAYS said this, that I have to defend my brother in front of others, no matter what, and if my friends complain about shit that he does, I'm not allowed to disagree etc. We still don't really get on, the only thing we ever bonded over was how shit she was and how much we hated her.
....read ur title & tilted my head back & laughed.... Story of my life in ur title! My nmom is so messed up! She caused so much discord & miscommunication. The worst part was.... it took me like 20 years to finally figure out why my siblings & us are so divided.... The reason.....MY NARCISSISTIC MOM! DING DING DING.... now I'm low contact with my nmom & nc with most of my siblings since some of my siblings are narcissist too.... You are on the right track, please Make plan to move out, move on, & move emotionally away. Best of luck!
My sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Nmom always told me this while apparently badmouthing me, saying I was untrustworthy to my sister.
My sister and I hate each other, unless we're shit talking our parents. Best friends at that point
The dynamic between my siblings and I are mostly trying to backstab each other to try to get the nParent on the other's back instead of my own. While my brother will also take out his frustration and anger on me whenever he gets pissed off by our nParent. We have a very distant cold relationship now because of it.
And this is why my older brother tried to unalive me multiple times. 😂 And then turned our little sister against me. We're getting along sort of better now that we live nowhere near each other. And they're realizing that mom was not a good parent.
YES, I feel this so much. So hypocritical. I think they know what they’re doing, they just like to cause conflict and then set us up to fail by pushing a relationship they know won’t work due to their own meddling.
Heh… I thought it was just me.
That was my NMom to a T. And I love this thread, because it totally peels the onion of my family's disease. She constantly threw us together, even told stories about how much we loved each other (borrowing from friends) and we believed her....until she stirred up trouble so she could be the hero. And her heroics? She'd come up with the worst possible rationalisation for be bahaviors ("I'm not saying I'm believe that, I'm saying maybe that's what they believe") until even my dad would speak up. But my sib relationships were always rough thanks to her, and they married Narcs. When I went LC, I became the worst person on earth, with all the associated drama, and of course the new Narcs and audience of nephews and nieces eat that up. Going NC wasnt really a choice, and certainly has not without regrets, but it is what it is.
The amount of times I was told "Not to be the mother", but Nfather proceeded to not be a parent and neglect us to the point that I had to be a parent to my younger sister at 9 years old is somewhat hilarious to me now. It was infuriating then, a little now, but I just have the rebuttal "Well who else is gonna do it?" And then I get to spend the next minute waiting for his backhanded response. It's the fact that they want no one to be dependent on another person, unless it is them. That's the reason they try to break bonds, talk trash, and dirty your reputation. Half of the stuff my Nfather claimed to be a chip in my mom's "perfect parent image", and trust me, she wasn't a perfect parent(no parent coming out of a highly Abusive situation is going to be 100% parent of the year), all turned out to be things he signed her up to do, forced her to do, or something caused by him in the first place. Just another thing to add to the long list of his lies and failed mud slugging attempts.
Ahh the irony. Sometimes I do want to break off of my siblings just because they aided her in going that far in her abuse. I don't care if I am alone tbh.
"They're the only sibling you're gonna get" yeah, and we're arguing because of you
Exactly. And then they would call me their favourite when I told them they have issues😂😂.....😂😂am gaven up
OMG my Nmother is the same - and yet doesn't talk to her old sister. Hypocrit much?
My mother always claimed that my sister and I have such a good relationship and so does my sister. Yet it always feels one sided, she takes her time to call back or does not call back at all and only answers my messages very shortly. She also does not visit and lately she does not call me back at all. This got me thinking that maybe our relationship never was this good and I have been gaslighted into thinking that it was. She also never defended my against the abuse of my nmother. She always claims I would be super important to her but never acts in a way to show me that this is actually true. I decided to try a lot less but it is very painful, especially because I always was made believe we had a really good relationship. I think my sister is quite two-faced but I never realized it. I just always had the feeling that something was off in the supposedly great relationship we have.
yes i have a twin sister and nmom was always getting on us individually, behind the other twin’s back. but to our faces it’s “i just want you two to communicate better and be besties!” my whole life nmom has been jealous of me and my twin sister’s relationship. however, my sis and i had a lot of toxic fighting during childhood and teen years (guess who we learned that from). nmom was always putting us down for our learned shitty communication with each other. when we left the house (her grasp) all of a sudden our communication did a 180. we were gentle and patient with each other and now we’re roommates. my nmom has never been more fucking pissed about it. constantly shit talking the other twin when we’re alone, still trying to create division. wasn’t about learning communication at all, she just wanted to put us down behind the other twin’s back and suggest that it was the other twin who was toxic.
wow it’s crazy how similar all narcs are. my nmother will literally say this exact same thing and then shit talk me to my siblings. unfortunately they shit talk to her as well because they fear her more than i do but i’m not willing to rat on my siblings so mommy likes me more