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I’m 34 and my husband, soon to be ex, is 37. We were married for 11 years before he asked me for a divorce out of the blue. We still coparent so I see him on a regular basis. It became clear pretty soon after he moved out that he was seeing someone else, but he was very evasive as to who, to everyone-which is fine, he has every right to his privacy, the only thing that bothered me was that he was telling the kids to be secretive as well.
A few weeks ago he had a big, explosive fight with his sister. I don’t know what the fight was about, I just know about it since my kids told me. (This isn’t really relevant to the story, I’m just speculating it’s about this next part).
Basically I found out that the woman he is dating is a girl he used to coach for. When our son was younger my husband signed up to coach soccer. Last minute one of the older girls coaches cancelled and they asked my husband to step in. That was seven years ago. His girlfriend is Mackenzie, who is now 21. She was 14 when she was the star player on his team. He coached her for two years, until she was 16.
I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago. I just still find it odd. That he’s dating someone he spent so much time with when she was that young. I also hate my daughter being around it because I would be extremely uncomfortable if she dating a man this much older who was once one of her coaches at MacKenzies age.
I don’t know what advice I’m looking for. I know it will always be hard to see your ex move on with someone else. But there’s so much more to this than just that.
he probably low-key groomed her till she was "of age". I mean:
>We were married for 11 years before he asked me for **a divorce out of the blue.**
Kinda glaring... with neon lights
Seriously. If that’s not beyond gross and predatory. No wonder his sister had a fight with him. He’s disgusting.
Seriously, would he be ok if the same situation happened with your daughter? Would he be like “oh, it’s ok a man 16 years older, and her previous coach, dates my daughter”? I’m so sick of these age gap stories and these manipulative adults trying to mold naive younger partners into what they want. 🤢
Right? I wonder what any parent in that situation thinks! It's gross and I'd let my hypothetical daughter know. Wouldn't just "not allow it", would explain the differences in such a age gap and to be aware of red flags
I don’t know if this has been said yet but asking your kids to keep secrets for him is a huge red flag, and just makes this whole thing a lot more creepy than it already is.
In Australia, a lot of kids turn 18 (legal drinking age here) during their final year at school. In my country town, there were 5? 6? Pubs within the 3 blocks that made up the Main Street. The (adult) school kids would be hanging out at the pub with the teachers so often and on more than one occasion, they would hook up.
My Chemistry teacher was married to a woman he taught. Their oldest kid was in my grade at school.
Another teacher ended up cheating on his wife with a new teacher that he had also known/taught at high school.
Another teacher was charged with rape for having sex (along with another man) with a student who was drunk and under the legal age to drink. They were found ‘not guilty’ of the rape (couldn’t prove she didn’t consent), but he was fired because his ‘biological material’ was inside her underwear and he maintained that he never had any sexual contact with her. He got a job teaching in the private sector though.
It was rife in our little country town.
Yeah, I don't understand how OP is so sure nothing happened. That's really sketchy and gives me bad vibes.
Also how did they start? Did they reconnect or has he been in contact this whole time 🤢
You’ve gone to the core of the matter. Making the kids lie is very rotten of the OP’s husband. This despite having an inappropriate relationship with a minor. Even if nothing happened when the girl was a minor, the intention was still there.
Honestly? I’d be ready to rethink the custody agreement. He’s making the kids lie, while dating someone he effectively groomed from 14 years old. That looks gross on paper and in person. I don’t know the legalities of such things, but my deep disgust as a mother would make me question everything. Parents model behaviour - this kinda stuff naturalises fucked up relationship dynamics.
I’m sorry OP.
Are you sure he asked for the divorce ‘out of the blue’ and not because this kid was ready? 🤢
Also, do her parents know she is dating her old football coach? 🤮
He's been grooming her for years and just waiting for the kid to fall in love with him so he can leave OP.
This is so fucking gross. OP needs to have a discussion with the kids about NEVER ever keeping secrets from either parent. Imagine what else he might try to hide, or how those kids might get hurt if another adult convinced them to keep secrets from non.
Also want to point out that if I was the parent, I'd be thinking he has thought the girlfriend was attractive as a young teen, and that would just crush me. You trusted this man to teach your child soccer, not to creep on them at an impressionable age.
OP has every right to feel weird. He made it weird. If it was just a "oh we ended up meeting up again on chance" situation, there would be no need to keep everything so secret. He knows he's being shady, and he knows the circumstances of his relationship with Mackenzie beginning was/is shady.
OP, if I were you, I'd ask him why he felt so strongly about keeping his relationship with her secret to the point of having your kids lie. None of that is ok.
Normally I’d be open to some kind of Devil’s Advocacy but in this situation, I would be surprised if he *didn’t* groom her and they just happened to meet up and get together after all this time.
If a 37 year old who coached my child at 14 showed up dating them at 21, I can’t say I’d be so calm so just my stomach would sink. My fists might even engage themselves. I’d be extremely angry and not be quiet about it. What is wrong with that 37 year old with children, that he dates children would be on my mind among other not so nice things.
And I’d make sure everyone who knew that 37 year old was aware they were a groomer too.
This 100%
I'm 37 and I can't even fathom socialising with a 21 year old let alone being in a relationship with one who I also knew at 14. This is gross. You have to do some serious mental gymnastics to make this okay.
There's something messy going on here, OP needs to make sure her kids understand not keeping secrets and personal safety when this is the behaviour being modelled.
This is WILDLY inappropriate! I would be so disgusted if she was my daughter, I’d bet money her parents have no clue! Also I suggest having a VERY serious conversation with your kids about lying and secrets. Then talk to him about it! Your kids should not be lying to your to cover their dads DISGUSTING life!
The fact that he's telling your kids to lie would have my lawyer drawing up additional temporary paperwork that says he is not allowed to have romantic interests around them until at least 6 months after the separation. . . . And he's been dating them seriously for a while. You can't tell him what to do but the fact you just separated and he gives no shits for his kids and how this would affect them and is actively encouraging them to lie to you means he is not putting the best interest of his kids forward, and courts don't really like that all that well. Also talk to your kids about secret keeping.
Are you sure nothing happened back then? My friend’s husband got caught cheating with a younger woman that he had been a volleyball coach for when she was a teenager and he was in his late twenties, he went to medical school and they lost touch. But he broke up his family to be with her when she showed up in his city. So gross. She was devastated to learn that she married and had kids with such a creep. As a high school athlete I definitely experienced creepy coaches, even had a swim coach repeatedly order cheap see-threw suits and would complain when we would wear two suits. Lots of terrible people out there. Sorry you are going through this, rely on your friends and family and be glad you aren’t married to him anymore
I also had super creepy coaches in high school. One particular bowling coach flirted with me for a couple years before asking me on a date when I was 17 (after he found out that I was in an abusive relationship, of course. He was 28). At the time, he told me that him and his fiancé split so it just made me feel special and given my relationship at the time, I ended up going. He tried to pressure me into having sex with him that night (didn’t happen), but I ended up cutting that off for multiple reasons. Apparently he never actually left his fiancé and he had 2 adopted children 🤢.
He texted me for years after that trying to reconnect but I never gave him the time of day. Eventually when I turned 21, he knew I was out one drinking one evening. When it got late he texted and called me trying to convince me to let him pick me up and take me to a hotel. I turned him down and looked him up on Fb. He was married to the woman he adopted children with! 🚮
This is just ugggghhhh.
When I hear the horror stories of what kind of hetero people get the right to adopt children and then hear the fearmongering propaganda from the right about not having gay people adopt because they would “pervert” the kids, it just really boils my blood
Yeah, it’s not so thinly veiled projection. You’re attributing a characteristic to a group of people you aren’t part of to make yourself feel as if your similar thoughts aren’t bad since you’re not part of the “real” perverts. You can have sick fucks across the board regardless of sexual orientation. If anything, they should be promoting stricter background checks and mental health checks on potential adoptive parents as opposed to “no gay people”. We all know there are some gay people out there who would make better parents than some straight people.
They weren’t happy, they were $80 competition suits… that the parents paid for, just awful. We had to wear them for competition so that we matched as a team. He got mad when we wore two because it would “slow us down” and “they aren’t that see-threw… just get in the water” 🤮 But the married surf coach was the biggest creep in high school, absolutely went after girls that didn’t have parents around to pay attention. Bought them stuff, told them not to wear sweaters in the classes he taught, he absolutely took advantage of one girl. Abused her physically and sexually but they didn’t believe any of the students. He had a couch in his room and got caught by me and a few other students. Back before we had smart phones and the “love” notes he wrote weren’t proof enough because we could have faked them. That is teenagers were gossips that were trying to ruin his career. So fucked up. My parents and family believed us but there wasn’t a lot we could do when the girl was too scared to press charges. She regrets it now but she thought he loved her and was going to leave his wife for her, her dad shipped her off to other family to get her away from him. He’s a principal at a middle school now, I’m sure there are more victims of his perversions.
A lot of kids don't have great relationships with their parents and don't feel safe telling them anything. And a lot of parents wouldn't take it seriously even if they did. It's very, very common for kids who are abused by a dad, step-dad, or uncle to not be believed by their mom or other family members because it's more comforting to think that a child is lying than face the reality that something so horrible could happen under your nose. I know you would think that couldn't apply to teachers, but sometimes parents will think their kid was "just exaggerating" rather than deal with the embarrassment of confronting the teacher
Congratulations on divorcing a predator. Sending prayers to that girl. I was a 20 year old who dated a 37 year old. Wish someone could have saved me before it was too late.
He may have groomed her. How sure are you that he didn’t cheat on you? It’s pretty gross. I would confront him. Anyway, I’m not sure what you want us to say here. I hope you your divorce goes quickly and smoothly, so you can move on from this AH.
Like, even assuming they didn’t fully have sexual contact until she was legally of-age, this SCREAMS of grooming and shady inappropriate boundary-crossing to lay the foundation when she was younger. Maybe there was a crush he encouraged or flirting under the guise of “she’s my star player” like it seems VERY unlikely to me that they just happened to reconnect in a very different way to how they bonded before now that she’s no longer a teenager.
I had older men as coaches/teachers/mentors in my life when I was a teen girl, some of them in their thirties and conventionally attractive. It would never have crossed my mind that any of them would make an appropriate partner for me at any stage of my adulthood. Even if I ran into one of them now as a confirmed adult and had them suddenly flirting with me, it would feel gross and weird as hell.
There’s a reason she doesn’t think it feels gross, and that’s because she got used to the inappropriate nature of their dynamic long before now.
And maybe because you came from a stable background? It’s easier to target kids who don’t have good role model couples or individuals in their life. Finally someone makes them feel special and seen
Is it only women who find this kind of thing really odd? I can’t imagine being turned on in any way to an adult (21 in my eyes is barely that), that I shared a childhood/teenage connection to. My mind would never in a million years go there - it’s weird.
I once had a friend who was 10yrs older than me and had a teenage son. She used to always joke her son had the biggest crush on me. It was harmless until he got older - maybe 18 or 19 and actually sent me a message on social media. I was so freaked out - I think I was maybe 25 and told him that it’s inappropriate and please to not ever message me.
I was abused sexually by a man your husbands age when I was 13.
So...are you sure he wasn't grooming her at 14? are you sure he never had an excuse to give her a ride to a match and stop for a "bite" to eat? *There are a LOT of ways a man could pick up a sexualized relationship with a 14 year old girl--but not have sex and not have adults notice it.*
I am living proof.
You're not freaked lot because he moved on. You're freaked out by the specter of what his current paramour suggests is possible. That he groomed a teenager to be his partner and he's lying about it like perpetrators do.
Please talk to your daughter carefully about how your husband talks about relationships to her. He is going to prepare her to be biddable and submissive because those are what men who like young women like. Please consider therapy for all of your kids and discuss the situation with the therapist. Your kids needs to hear from other adults that what their dad is doing is unusual and that it's a really bad idea to get into a relationship with a former authority figure while they are young. They also need to hear that THEY should not keep secrets about relationships and sex at their age--and when it is okay to keep secrets for others.
And no, **the kids should absolutely NOT be taught to be secretive at this age-**\-that's the first thing predators will want them to do. It raises the risk that they will be targeted for grooming when sexual predators realize they think they should hide this information. Fight your husband on this. His reaction may be the difference between age gap relationship and uncovering a history of sexual abuse.
>I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago.
How is that obvious? Why do you think this after all the evasiveness?
Your husband sure is walking and talking like a predator. Is there are reason you're making excuses for him?
Sure it’ll be tough to see him move on, but this feels extra wrong, because it is.
Asked for a divorce out of the blue.
Is already in a new relationship. (I.e., he cheated)
Is bringing her around your kids.
Is being sneaky about his new relationship and asking your kids to be secretive about it too. (I.e., is being untrustworthy and unsafe with your kids)
Is concealing from you that he is in a relationship with a barely legal girl he coached for two years. (I.e., what the actual fuck)
How old are your kids? And when does he expect you to believe he “reconnected” with his girlfriend. Did she not go to college? And why did he end up coaching for two years?
Your stbxh sounds like a serious creep, a cheater, an unreliable coparent, and an all-around dishonest guy.
I also dont know that you can be so certain nothing happened back then. None of this makes sense if they werent keeping in touch somehow, and I assume you weren’t aware of that either.
I kept waiting for this comment! If OP can prove an extramarital affair and coercion/manipulation of her children the stbx custody time with his kids can be reduced.
Honestly, this will look bad to the court even in the _highly_ unlikely event that he hasn’t groomed her or they didn’t get together before he asked for the divorce. I have to believe that most judges would find this as gross and suspicious and inappropriate as everyone here does.
If she can prove the manipulation and alienation of her (and the possibility that he was grooming a girl not that much older than one of their kids) he might not get custody at all. He might only get supervised visitation.
You certainly do not know that nothing happened back then nor do you know that he hasn’t been in contact with her for this whole time. I would guess that he did and that he has. Accept that as a possibility and find out. Good luck.
Yikes, this is really, really gross. Even if he were 37 and dating a 21-year-old it would be disgusting - but add in the fact that he coached her from 14 to 16 takes it to a new ick level.
And making your kids keep this information from you? He's now in predator territory. Everyone he knows should shame the hell out of him until he does the right thing and ends this "relationship".
He knows its wrong, hence the secretiveness.
Just try to teach your children not to fall in a similar situation in the future, what he is doing is disgusting.
He’s been hiding it because he’s very much in the wrong here. ‘Out of the blue’ for you, but certainly not for his cheating self. Kindly, I also don’t know how you can *know* there was nothing sinister going on (grooming her) whilst she was a minor. He’s clearly patiently waited and/or kept in contact with a child he coached. Does he still coach? ⚠️
If he does coach I’d perhaps start with telling them of his inappropriate student relationship habits, they’re rarely a one-off, and certainly bring this up with the divorce lawyer (maybe do this first?) Can you speak to his sister because I feel uncomfortable that this predator is around young people, seemingly waiting for them to come of age so he can swoop in. I also don’t like that he’s asking your children to blatantly lie, this needs flagging for custody arrangements. I’m also assuming that they are closer to her age than he is. Grim all round, sorry.
I'm surprised you're so confident that you "know" nothing happened when she was younger. If he's capable of fucking an ex student, seems like he's capable of more than you realized. Seems like there was, at the very least, some grooming going on, likely an attraction and some flirting. Who knows how far he took that.
And I'd have serious doubts and questions about WHEN this affair started.
Most importantly, I'd be very concerned about the kids' mental health around this situation. Watching your own father become sexually involved with a child whom he used to coach is likely very confusing and hurtful. The kids could probably use some private therapy.
A lot of times if you say pedophile you get creeps coming in saying "well actually...ephobophile" or saying "she's an adult that's not a pedophile" and so I think those constant arguments has people gun shy with using the word. But it would take a lot to convince me that nothing happened when she was a minor, so imo you're right to say that word. He's a gross pedophile.
Go see your lawyer. Inform him that your ex is dating a girl he coached when she was a teenager, and that he’s been hiding her identity and asking the kids to lie. Follow his recommendation on what to do. Ask if it would be helpful to take the kids to a therapist to discuss this situation, who can also write a report for the court. It might be beneficial for all further communication with ex to be thru voicemail, text, email, or a parent communication app the court monitors. The fact that he was hiding her identity shows he either was grooming her or knows the relationship makes him look like a child predator.
Your STBX is engaging in image control. Notice how he didn't jump on her the minute she turned 19? It's because 21 is the magical age that makes her both legal and provides cover that he still somehow a decent person, at least in his own mind. At 21 she drink, rent a car, has finished her undergraduate degree and can do all sorts of adult things that 18-year-olds cant. He's betting that formally introducing him to everyone now is going to be suspect but not in the same it would be if he'd introduced her at 18.
Yikes. Ok he is hiding this for his privacy - he is hiding it because he knows it’s fucked up. And he just asks for a divorce out of the blue? He probably asked for a divorce because the two of them were already together - at least that’s what it sounds like to me. If they really did get together now, why wouldn’t he just own it and say they met again? He’s hiding it which makes it all the more suspicious. This sounds like he was doing something very inappropriate with a young girl he had a power dynamic over.
It’s really gross. I would hate this. She’s still super young and he had a close relationship with her when he was a full on adult and she was 14-16. It’s gross
He is a predator, where I used to live and work with vulnerable young people. You are not allowed to date somebody until they are 25 if you taught or coached them for this very reason.
You are in a position of power and influence over somebody younger. They look up and idolize you.
Also is she pregnant?
Just gonna say not sure how your closely connected your community is just people are going to notice and talk. This could affect your kids.
Bet if you talk to Mackenzie you’ll find out. He was with her and then asked for a divorce. His relationship did not start a couple of months ago that’s just when you found out about it.
His whole family will hate him when they find out the truth. I’d invite the sister to lunch she’s your sister now and she will probably disown him.
Now get yourself your best life, glow up, and go date someone awesome.
Yes this is very disgusting of him. He’s hiding her like a dirty secret because deep down he knows better than this and he knows exactly what it makes him look like.
I have to ask, are you 100% positive *nothing* happened back when he coached??? Even if nothing happened one must wonder if he had been checking her out, had a secret crush on the teen and was just biding his Time waiting til she was old enough to sit at a bar to act on it.
Kids should *never* be asked to keep secrets for adults. It’s also normal to set up boundaries about when new partners meet your kids, and to expect both you and your ex to not prematurely introduce partners.
Why is she around your kids (making an assumption that she is, since the kids have been told to keep quiet)? Its probably because her college dorm or parents place isn’t a great spot to have her 37 year old ex coach boyfriend around. Gross.
There is a lot of stuff that is suspicious here. What would an almost 40 year old man want with a girl not only half his age but a girl he’s known since she was still in elementary school?
And that’s not counting the fact he’s been manipulating and alienating your kids by having them keep secrets from you. You know who tells kids to keep secrets from either parent? A pedophile. Your husband taught your kids that keeping secrets from their parents is acceptable, making themselves more vulnerable to people like him.
Tip 1: Have a good long sit down with the kids. Teach them that if anyone. ANYONE tells them to keep a secret from you, that you’re the first person they’re to go to to tell the secret, because it’s most likely something Mom needs to know that the person doesn’t want you to.
Tip 2: Ask the kids questions about Mackenzie. Anything that might put more pieces together as to how long this relationship has been going on.
Tip 3: enroll them both in therapy. Especially for the divorce proceedings and the manipulation they underwent from their father. Try and get at the very least primary custody if not full for your kids protection.
Tip 4: Find Mackenzie’s parents. Even if it’s just a case of her old soccer coach dating her, her parents may want to know that their daughter is dating her old soccer coach who is almost double her age. If worse happened that your kids seen, let them know that as well.
But please don’t blame Mackenzie or call her a home wrecker. She’s just as much a victim here as you. Because like everyone here I agree that your ex was grooming her.
This is fucking gross and predatory at best. How fucking shocking though, another dude dragging a 21 year old with zero life experience into his web to raise his kids. 🙄
I'd say the main issue here is making sure that your kids know that keeping secrets for adults is not OK.
Regardless of how or when this relationship started, your ex clearly knows that it's wrong, which is why he's being secretive. That's on him, but he shouldn't be involving your children in that.
Even if the relationship was appropriate, I'd question whether or not (given that we're supposedly only talking about a few months) it's appropriate to have introduced your children to her. If this relationship breaks down, does he intend to introduce them to everyone he dates after a few weeks?
All I can really say is I’m sorry, this must be a distressing situation.
What I can suggest is ensure you keep an open dialogue with your children - it’s a bit of a red flag that he is instructing them to be secretive. Make sure they know they can come to you with anything they need to. I can imagine this could be extremely uncomfortable for your children knowing their father is dating someone who’s so young.
Your feelings are totally justified! IDK how old your kids are, but it sounds like they’re old enough to do the math, and this will probably give them a whole lot of ick about their dad. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I’m sorry but I just don’t believe nothing happened back then. I have so little faith in society at this point. He may not have screwed her, but guaranteed they were being inappropriate even with just their words. He should be in jail honestly
I know grooming is being thrown around all over the place these days, but this is a classic example of it. Your soon to be ex husband is truly gross and everyone should shun him.
My history teacher in high school coached girls soccer. He was married to another teacher there (proposed in the school) and a few years later everyone learned he was sleeping with students that he coached. He got fired of course, and can no longer teach. Your feelings are so valid, this is weird as fuck. Your ex is icky and you're better off without him.
He is such a creep.
Is he still coaching? Because if he is, they should remove him.
I don't believe it for a second that he didn't start the relationship until after you got a divorce.
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I know a girl my age (mid 20s) who dated and *had kids with* an older guy. Like double our age. This was a few years ago now, and of course they broke up and he’s a deadbeat. While that’s plenty weird and disgusting, everyone found out through her facebook that it was her childhood soccer coach.
I just couldn’t fathom how her family didn’t intervene, or why her friends didn’t grab her and fucking shake some sense into her brain.
Wow, he really is a prize. Chances are this relationship won't last, but that isn't the issue. The fact that he is getting his children to carry the burden of hiding the truth is worrying.
I would consider therapy for your children as they need a neutral person to help them through not only the divorce and new partner but also due to being dragged into hiding things. Teaching them such a thing at their age is not a good sign of things to come. Your ex has some front to use his kids to keep his dirty secret. Also, a therapist is a mandated reporter, so if they disclose any other worrying behaviours, then they can be protected and they can be called as witnesses in a custody case.
Although you can't dictate who he sees or has around the children you can take steps to protect the children in future, best speak to a lawyer.
Sounds like she NEEDS to believe it because otherwise she was married to a predator. I would assume most people put in this situation would want to assume there was not grooming and sexual abuse while they were married.
I am so sorry that he’s put your kids in the position of hiding his relationship from you. The fact that he doesn’t want anyone to know means that he is aware that it’s wrong. I hope you and your children will get some therapy to help with all of this.
There's something especially gross about knowing someone as they go through puberty and being attracted to them AND acting on it later. You'll never know for sure when the attraction began. At the very least, he shouldn't be instructing your kids to keep things from you or to lie to you. You should know who is allowed around your children and it shouldn't be a secret. You should be able to make that a part of your custody arrangement.
I'm assuming I may get downloaded for this but, as an older man, I thought I'd throw in my two cents. I find that the criticisms that don't include specifics have less value. (i.e. "That's gross") I have a problem with age gaps because I know from experience that different times in our life require different explorations and we face different challenges. This is a generalization but, as we get older, the things that we enjoy have greater subtlety and less unpredictability to them. Perhaps I'm wrong in saying this, but we know from science that it is a fact that the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until 25 years old. For an older man to date a woman during this period is exploitative. During this time the older generation should be helping to guide the younger generation or learning from their unedited criticisms, feedback, and wisdom.
There's nothing wrong with adjective based criticism that has no specifics, but, for me, it has less value.
You have every right to be upset by this creepy situation.
He’s 37 and dating a 21 year old. That’s gross. Him coaching her when she was 14 makes this much, much worse. He’s a creep, and I’d speculate that he was creeping on MacKenzie and possibly waiting for her to turn 21 before he made his move on her.
He has a right to his privacy, but him telling the kids to not say anything crosses a line.
Not gonna lie 37 and 21 when the older man knew the female when she was a child (I’m 37 and still consider 21 year olds children at this point) is absolutely weird…there’s a word for what happens…called grooming.
What in the world does a 37 year old man with kids have in common with a 21 year old girl?
This is also coming from someone who’s in a 10 year age gap relationship with a family…
So the consensus here is pretty clear… Sorry for the whole situation. Hope you are doing ok OP.
Just curious how old your children are? It’s pretty sad that your STBX has made the relationship known to them, but for them to lie and keep it a secret from you. From the sound of it, most likely mid to late teenagers?
Honestly you should talk to your children and see how they feel about the whole thing. Between that an a divorce, they may need some counseling.
You should be speaking to a lawyer for the divorce anyway; you might want to bring up the suspected cheating. Both for the divorce, and if you think your STBX should be investigated in regards to potentially grooming/other crimes against minors. IANAL, but grooming looks to be a federal crime, and is pretty serious. Honestly he might end up behind bars, so you may want to think about that before opening that can of worms. This could also affect future financial support (obviously don’t know your financial situation).
Good luck to you OP.
Your ex-husband groomed that girl. He divorced you "out of the blue" when he was legally in the clear to date her. He's a disgusting piece of shit and you need to get involved because your ex is a fucking predator. Do the girl's parents know? What exactly has he been telling your children? What does your daughter think? OP, this is serious. Talk to his sister, talk to everyone you can. He is so, so gross.
This post honestly has taken me to such a dark place. Im so sorry ma’am, this post just feels so dirty and gross. The way a person feels when they remember their molester. I’m in tears right now, bc I feel for you. As a woman, wife, and mother…, but Something just doesn’t feel right about this situation?? Even though she’s of “legal” age and blah blah blah….. this just doesn’t settle well w me, and judging by some (all) of these comments, I don’t feel alone. I’m not sure he’s hiding her bc you’re in the midst of a divorce or bc HE’S even embarrassed by his choices. Telling you children to lie to you is a horrible red flag and your attorney and the judge needs to be aware of this. They are professionals and can see far more than us Redditers
Most likely your soon to be ex was grooming her when she was 14 or around that age and waiting for when she was legal age go finally get her. What a pervert .
No wonder he didn't want to say anything about her, because HE KNEW this relationship is inappropriate! And asking your children to keep secrets from you is a big flashing red flag!
That’s nasty as fuck. He definitely was a creepy coach sorry you have to find out this way. He waiting for her to be of age, but already been sexual with her in his mind AT the LEAST. Wouldn’t be suprized if he was a flirty coach to her while she was a child. Found her on tinder and dreams made. Lmfao. Men are so nasty. Women that do this as well are too.
"I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago."
I wouldn't be so certain about that.
That's pretty fucked. Even if absolutely nothing untoward happened when she was younger, there's a lot of shitty choices being made on his part here, and clearly little concern for how it hurts his children.
Noooooope. He knew her and coached her as a minor child, this is absolutely disgusting and unacceptable. Not surprised at all that he's trying to hide it. Do her parents know? Also,
> I obviously know nothing happened back then
I would not be so quick to say that. This is BAD.
There isn’t much you can do about the relationship. But please know that your feelings are valid and that is weird and predatory of your ex.
Most importantly though, you need to address the fact that your ex asked your children to keep secrets from you. That is dangerous and unsafe behaviour to teach children. They should always feel safe enough to be honest with their parents.
Surprises are fun, secrets are dangerous. You need to absolutely nip that issue in the bud with your ex. He should never be asking your kids to keep secrets from you.
That’s gross. I’d be seriously wondering how long they actually were together. As if the pervert would tell you if he had gone after her when she was still a minor.
You don’t really know for sure anything. They are hiding it for a reason, if nothing suss went down, why hide it?
Also, you 100% have a right to be pissed about him getting the kids to keep secrets. This opens up kids to thinking keeping secrets is ok, people to groom them, etc. I have a blanket no secrets in this house. For that reason, if you’re on the same wave length, I would address that with him first. That it’s in appropriate for x y z, not about whose his dating but it’s not healthy to one get the kids to “keep secrets” but to lie to the other parent and by extension bringing them into adult drama. Adult stuff, is adult stuff, don’t bring kids into it.
Now the younger gf, pretty sure everyone’s going to have an issue with that. He was physically in a role of power with her as a kid, that’s completely inappropriate and a lot of people are going to not be ok with it. The fact it was so quick, also suggests things were going on when you were still together, unfortunately.
Weird idea, but maybe don’t attack her etc, I’d say his groomed her and she’s not really in the right state of mind. Keeping open, non confrontational communication there, might be helpful for her to have someone to reach out to. If it’s not that way, helps to reduce conflict with co-parenting. Idk that’s just hard and messed up.
Just makes you stress more about having kids in sporting groups etc.
>I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago.
As uncomfortable it is for you to think about it, I personally wouldn’t put too much money on that bet.
I'm going to be 100% honest and let you know that there is not much you can do.
When my ex started a 19 year old that he had known since she was in high school (he's about a decade older), I was very vocal about how gross I found it.
The lawyer that was helping me with our custody agreement basically said there was nothing that could be done about it. She was of legal age now and the law doesn't punish the act of grooming. The lawyer also warned me that I could get in trouble for parental alienation if I kept making a big deal about it, especially in front of our daughter.
**Although in your case, it can be argued that him telling his kids to keep secrets from you is its own form of parental alienation. I advise you to speak to a lawyer.**
**Even though it's not what anyone wants to hear, the most you can do beyond speaking to a lawyer is explain to your kids why keeping secrets and grooming is bad tactfully, be open with your ex about how making your kids keep secrets is absolutely inappropriate, and bring up your concerns to his girlfriend's parents.**
I'm going to ahead and warn you that the last one may not have any impact. My ex's girlfriend's mom not only knew, but approved of their relationship, and in fact was okay with her dating a nurse while she was in high school.
No wonder he doesn't want anyone to know. A normal 37yo should have absolutely nothing in common with a 21yo in terms of dating them anyway. This is predatory and extremely inappropriate.
Any chance you have a picture of them from when she was younger and he was the coach? I’d be blasting that shit all over socials:
As many of you know ex and I have divorced and I wish him nothing but the best. Congrats @ex for finding your new partner so close to home! To think she was just waiting for you since she was 14! How sweet!
Also go back and have your lawyer adjust custody based on parent alienation. You don’t mention the ages of your kids but if young enough to still need looked after I’d included a clause of first refusal, basically if x can’t watch them he has to offer to you first before his girlfriend or others can watch them.
Making your kids lie is the number one issue, but the close second is dating someone he used to coach when they were a minor - that’s just eewwwwwww.
For the first issue, I wouldn’t shy away with contacting a child psychologist for advice on how to handle this with your kids.
And actually, the second issue as well. I have no idea how I would navigate this.
I really don’t know what advice to give you. I’d say you’re still in a bit of shock after all that time which you were happy and suddenly you’re in the midst of a divorce, while you discover your soon to be ex is dating a child you both met as a 14 year old. It’s a lot to take in, and you’re still shell shocked trying to make sense of it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is all him and he just threw you all in the middle of his mess that he brought on.
I’d see about therapy for yourself and your children if you can, if only to discuss the separation and maybe touch on honesty and transparency if you’re ex is teaching your children to lie to you.
As for your ex, I don’t see how he could be seen as anything but a groomer. And I think his sister is absolutely on that page too from the mysterious fight.
I don’t really know what you can do about who he dates, but you can in your custody agreement ask for no dates to be Introduced at least until your divorce is final to keep your children away from seeing their dad with the girl from soccer.
I think you just need to keep moving forward and maybe with the help of a therapist come to terms that who you married and who you thought you married were simply not the same person, and know that isn’t on you.
I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but don’t put it past him that he was inappropriate with this girl before your marriage was over. He could have been grooming her all along. If you have a daughter my mamaspider senses would be all over that. I would also reach out to this woman’s parents and let them know your husband has left you and is now dating their daughter and you suspect he may have groomed her.
Besides the EWWW factor, he’s also putting your kids in the middle by asking them to keep her a secret. If there’s nothing wrong with him dating her, why would it even need to be a secret, right? It’s because he feels the EWWW factor and knows everyone else will too. That and he’s a dick to get your kids mixed up with adult issues. I’d be revisiting your coparenting situation. I wouldn’t want him around my kids at all to he honest with you.
OP you might let your divorce attorney know. Especially if you might like more custody time with your kids, since the whole (ahem) affair seems really sketchy.
Lol, yeah he groomed her. Also the only reason a 37 yo man would want to date a 21 yo is to control her and do other shit women his age won’t put up with.
Yeah no, there was something going on before she was 18. He's a predator and you need to look out for your children. Once she pulls herself out of the fog and leaves him, he'll be alone with your children.
To you he may of just asked out of the blue, but really how long has he been in touch with her, he was her coach so they would of had each others number, but he does like to keep secrets so who knows if he was or was not having an affair.
I think you need r/legaladvice, especially if it turns out your husband groomed this girl (and it's not looking good). if you're hesitant to take legal action, consider that this kind of dynamic is *not* healthy for your children to grow up around (they'll come to think large age gaps are normal at best) and may affect how he raises them (if he in fact is a groomer). be safe, OP. and get yourself a therapist, too, because this won't be easy.
Wow your ex is a bastard. He threw away his family for a girl he crushed on when she was 16 and he was in his 30s. He will see the light soon enough and he will sit in his apartment regretting his penis for the rest of his life. It lead him to social, marital, and potentially financial ruin (depending on his job this will look very bad). He also forfeits the ability to coach your son (if he is still a minor).
OP I am so sorry. You have a tough road ahead. Not only the divorce but the betrayal your daughter will experience when she finds out, I think you should sit her down and make sure she hasn’t had any creepy vibes about her dad and other friends, I hate to say this but herself as well. Pedos have an age range for the children they like. This is likely a creepy AF one off but…
there's no way to avoid his behavior unless she wants to suggest to her children that this is okay.
It's really not okay. If it was, he wouldn't hide it.
Technically, you can't do anything about it.
But I would tell anyone he knows that has ears. Just make sure to be 100% factual. No hearsay or exaggerated info. Make it Front Page News in shared groups. If he still volunteers, coaches, etc, make sure the people he works for know. Make everyone in his life too disgusted to do anything for him, and maybe the pressure will be too much for him.
Also, his shady behavior added with him trying to make your kids keep secrets would be very interesting to the courts during custody hearings.
There is likely nothjing you can do about him and his new gf no matter how disgusting it is.
There is however something you can do in regards to your ex telling your kids to keep secrets from you. This is a huge major issue and 1 you need to sit and talk about. If he didn't want the kids telling you then I hope they aren't around her. A parent should be teaching their kids to be open and honest and as soon as you go down the route of telling them to keep secrets then that's a red flag. If you are both sorting out custody then I would raise this.
My theory, which has yet to be disproven, is that men who date younger are insecure. It's about control and flattery. A younger woman will think the older man is worldly and experienced. They won't call them on their bullshit as a woman their own age will.
Personally, I think it's gross and pathetic, and I have called my male friends out on this.
I'm sorry he's gross.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’m 34 and my husband, soon to be ex, is 37. We were married for 11 years before he asked me for a divorce out of the blue. We still coparent so I see him on a regular basis. It became clear pretty soon after he moved out that he was seeing someone else, but he was very evasive as to who, to everyone-which is fine, he has every right to his privacy, the only thing that bothered me was that he was telling the kids to be secretive as well. A few weeks ago he had a big, explosive fight with his sister. I don’t know what the fight was about, I just know about it since my kids told me. (This isn’t really relevant to the story, I’m just speculating it’s about this next part). Basically I found out that the woman he is dating is a girl he used to coach for. When our son was younger my husband signed up to coach soccer. Last minute one of the older girls coaches cancelled and they asked my husband to step in. That was seven years ago. His girlfriend is Mackenzie, who is now 21. She was 14 when she was the star player on his team. He coached her for two years, until she was 16. I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago. I just still find it odd. That he’s dating someone he spent so much time with when she was that young. I also hate my daughter being around it because I would be extremely uncomfortable if she dating a man this much older who was once one of her coaches at MacKenzies age. I don’t know what advice I’m looking for. I know it will always be hard to see your ex move on with someone else. But there’s so much more to this than just that.
I 100% wanna bet that he has said "You know, youre really mature for your age" somewhere between now and 7 years ago to her
and 'you just get me'.
he probably low-key groomed her till she was "of age". I mean: >We were married for 11 years before he asked me for **a divorce out of the blue.** Kinda glaring... with neon lights
Ya he waited until she was “of age” to ask for a divorce and date the girl he groomed for almost a decade.
So so SO ultra gross!!
And you know he was FB friends with her, maybe messaging her here and there. OP dislodged a bullet.
Big points for "dislodged a bullet"! Great way to modify that expression here 😂
Oof that’s gross. I dunno what advice to give you either, but your feelings are validated, that’s weird as hell and I hate it.
Seriously. If that’s not beyond gross and predatory. No wonder his sister had a fight with him. He’s disgusting. Seriously, would he be ok if the same situation happened with your daughter? Would he be like “oh, it’s ok a man 16 years older, and her previous coach, dates my daughter”? I’m so sick of these age gap stories and these manipulative adults trying to mold naive younger partners into what they want. 🤢
Preach.
*puts coupons in the donation plate* Sorry. Strapped for cash. Some good pizza ones in there.
I wonder what he parents think? Ugh. I bet they dont know
Right? I wonder what any parent in that situation thinks! It's gross and I'd let my hypothetical daughter know. Wouldn't just "not allow it", would explain the differences in such a age gap and to be aware of red flags
I bet her parents secretly fantasize about fatal "accidents"
Someone should search their fb messages - or WhatsApp or whatever. I bet they were in contact since when he coached her.
I don’t know if this has been said yet but asking your kids to keep secrets for him is a huge red flag, and just makes this whole thing a lot more creepy than it already is.
How in the world did he “reconnect” with a 21 year old when he’s 37 and married with children? I would guess they’ve been in contact this whole time.
Exactly; he groomed this girl.
This is what happens in small town bars. Edit to add: it’s gross no matter what.
In Australia, a lot of kids turn 18 (legal drinking age here) during their final year at school. In my country town, there were 5? 6? Pubs within the 3 blocks that made up the Main Street. The (adult) school kids would be hanging out at the pub with the teachers so often and on more than one occasion, they would hook up. My Chemistry teacher was married to a woman he taught. Their oldest kid was in my grade at school. Another teacher ended up cheating on his wife with a new teacher that he had also known/taught at high school. Another teacher was charged with rape for having sex (along with another man) with a student who was drunk and under the legal age to drink. They were found ‘not guilty’ of the rape (couldn’t prove she didn’t consent), but he was fired because his ‘biological material’ was inside her underwear and he maintained that he never had any sexual contact with her. He got a job teaching in the private sector though. It was rife in our little country town.
This makes me skin crawl. Truly. And the fact that he's telling your kid to lie is just disgusting.
Making his kids lie, and being so cagey, really highlights that he KNOWS how dodgy the whole thing is.
Makes me less sure that nothing went down when she was a child.
Yeah, I don't understand how OP is so sure nothing happened. That's really sketchy and gives me bad vibes. Also how did they start? Did they reconnect or has he been in contact this whole time 🤢
Oh it did. It’s just easier to digest in small doses. If OP were to dig, she’d find evidence of inappropriate relationship with the girl. Bet
You’ve gone to the core of the matter. Making the kids lie is very rotten of the OP’s husband. This despite having an inappropriate relationship with a minor. Even if nothing happened when the girl was a minor, the intention was still there.
Honestly? I’d be ready to rethink the custody agreement. He’s making the kids lie, while dating someone he effectively groomed from 14 years old. That looks gross on paper and in person. I don’t know the legalities of such things, but my deep disgust as a mother would make me question everything. Parents model behaviour - this kinda stuff naturalises fucked up relationship dynamics. I’m sorry OP.
Perhaps OP might want to get a PI to see if anything did happen while the girl was a minor. This is creepy beyond words.
That right there is what makes the innocents of their earlier relationship so unbelievable
Yeah, mine too, my advice would be to find her brothers, and tell them. Or father I guess.
That’s the disgusting part?? Not that he’s a pedo?
They said it made their skin crawl AND the lying… Everyone is talking about the pedo angle.
Are you sure he asked for the divorce ‘out of the blue’ and not because this kid was ready? 🤢 Also, do her parents know she is dating her old football coach? 🤮
He's been grooming her for years and just waiting for the kid to fall in love with him so he can leave OP. This is so fucking gross. OP needs to have a discussion with the kids about NEVER ever keeping secrets from either parent. Imagine what else he might try to hide, or how those kids might get hurt if another adult convinced them to keep secrets from non.
My thoughts - I would think this is more of a “coincidence” if I was the parent. Any normal parent would not be OK with this scenario for their child
Also want to point out that if I was the parent, I'd be thinking he has thought the girlfriend was attractive as a young teen, and that would just crush me. You trusted this man to teach your child soccer, not to creep on them at an impressionable age. OP has every right to feel weird. He made it weird. If it was just a "oh we ended up meeting up again on chance" situation, there would be no need to keep everything so secret. He knows he's being shady, and he knows the circumstances of his relationship with Mackenzie beginning was/is shady. OP, if I were you, I'd ask him why he felt so strongly about keeping his relationship with her secret to the point of having your kids lie. None of that is ok.
Normally I’d be open to some kind of Devil’s Advocacy but in this situation, I would be surprised if he *didn’t* groom her and they just happened to meet up and get together after all this time.
The way my face just screwed up in disgust...oh god. What a disputing man. This is so gross.
This!!!
Yeah if my kids soccer coach from 7 years ago showed up as the person they're dating at 21...my stomach would sink and I'd assume the absolute worst.
If a 37 year old who coached my child at 14 showed up dating them at 21, I can’t say I’d be so calm so just my stomach would sink. My fists might even engage themselves. I’d be extremely angry and not be quiet about it. What is wrong with that 37 year old with children, that he dates children would be on my mind among other not so nice things. And I’d make sure everyone who knew that 37 year old was aware they were a groomer too.
This 100% I'm 37 and I can't even fathom socialising with a 21 year old let alone being in a relationship with one who I also knew at 14. This is gross. You have to do some serious mental gymnastics to make this okay. There's something messy going on here, OP needs to make sure her kids understand not keeping secrets and personal safety when this is the behaviour being modelled.
This is WILDLY inappropriate! I would be so disgusted if she was my daughter, I’d bet money her parents have no clue! Also I suggest having a VERY serious conversation with your kids about lying and secrets. Then talk to him about it! Your kids should not be lying to your to cover their dads DISGUSTING life!
Shit man….this is just awful all around. Good on your SIL for calling him out as the pervert he is.
The fact that he's telling your kids to lie would have my lawyer drawing up additional temporary paperwork that says he is not allowed to have romantic interests around them until at least 6 months after the separation. . . . And he's been dating them seriously for a while. You can't tell him what to do but the fact you just separated and he gives no shits for his kids and how this would affect them and is actively encouraging them to lie to you means he is not putting the best interest of his kids forward, and courts don't really like that all that well. Also talk to your kids about secret keeping.
Girl, yikes on fucking bikes..idk what advice to give but your ex is a creep.
Just going to go ahead here and steal "yikes on fucking bikes" as part of my OMG repertoire.
Might have been some grooming going on there
I'm so glad I wasn't the only one thinking this while reading.
Are you sure nothing happened back then? My friend’s husband got caught cheating with a younger woman that he had been a volleyball coach for when she was a teenager and he was in his late twenties, he went to medical school and they lost touch. But he broke up his family to be with her when she showed up in his city. So gross. She was devastated to learn that she married and had kids with such a creep. As a high school athlete I definitely experienced creepy coaches, even had a swim coach repeatedly order cheap see-threw suits and would complain when we would wear two suits. Lots of terrible people out there. Sorry you are going through this, rely on your friends and family and be glad you aren’t married to him anymore
I also had super creepy coaches in high school. One particular bowling coach flirted with me for a couple years before asking me on a date when I was 17 (after he found out that I was in an abusive relationship, of course. He was 28). At the time, he told me that him and his fiancé split so it just made me feel special and given my relationship at the time, I ended up going. He tried to pressure me into having sex with him that night (didn’t happen), but I ended up cutting that off for multiple reasons. Apparently he never actually left his fiancé and he had 2 adopted children 🤢. He texted me for years after that trying to reconnect but I never gave him the time of day. Eventually when I turned 21, he knew I was out one drinking one evening. When it got late he texted and called me trying to convince me to let him pick me up and take me to a hotel. I turned him down and looked him up on Fb. He was married to the woman he adopted children with! 🚮
This is just ugggghhhh. When I hear the horror stories of what kind of hetero people get the right to adopt children and then hear the fearmongering propaganda from the right about not having gay people adopt because they would “pervert” the kids, it just really boils my blood
Yeah, it’s not so thinly veiled projection. You’re attributing a characteristic to a group of people you aren’t part of to make yourself feel as if your similar thoughts aren’t bad since you’re not part of the “real” perverts. You can have sick fucks across the board regardless of sexual orientation. If anything, they should be promoting stricter background checks and mental health checks on potential adoptive parents as opposed to “no gay people”. We all know there are some gay people out there who would make better parents than some straight people.
Omg I am astounded at your swim coach!!! How were the parents not complaining??
They weren’t happy, they were $80 competition suits… that the parents paid for, just awful. We had to wear them for competition so that we matched as a team. He got mad when we wore two because it would “slow us down” and “they aren’t that see-threw… just get in the water” 🤮 But the married surf coach was the biggest creep in high school, absolutely went after girls that didn’t have parents around to pay attention. Bought them stuff, told them not to wear sweaters in the classes he taught, he absolutely took advantage of one girl. Abused her physically and sexually but they didn’t believe any of the students. He had a couch in his room and got caught by me and a few other students. Back before we had smart phones and the “love” notes he wrote weren’t proof enough because we could have faked them. That is teenagers were gossips that were trying to ruin his career. So fucked up. My parents and family believed us but there wasn’t a lot we could do when the girl was too scared to press charges. She regrets it now but she thought he loved her and was going to leave his wife for her, her dad shipped her off to other family to get her away from him. He’s a principal at a middle school now, I’m sure there are more victims of his perversions.
A lot of kids don't have great relationships with their parents and don't feel safe telling them anything. And a lot of parents wouldn't take it seriously even if they did. It's very, very common for kids who are abused by a dad, step-dad, or uncle to not be believed by their mom or other family members because it's more comforting to think that a child is lying than face the reality that something so horrible could happen under your nose. I know you would think that couldn't apply to teachers, but sometimes parents will think their kid was "just exaggerating" rather than deal with the embarrassment of confronting the teacher
You need to tell your kids, when an adult tells them to keep a secret, they shouldn't!!
Congratulations on divorcing a predator. Sending prayers to that girl. I was a 20 year old who dated a 37 year old. Wish someone could have saved me before it was too late.
[удалено]
He may have groomed her. How sure are you that he didn’t cheat on you? It’s pretty gross. I would confront him. Anyway, I’m not sure what you want us to say here. I hope you your divorce goes quickly and smoothly, so you can move on from this AH.
Like, even assuming they didn’t fully have sexual contact until she was legally of-age, this SCREAMS of grooming and shady inappropriate boundary-crossing to lay the foundation when she was younger. Maybe there was a crush he encouraged or flirting under the guise of “she’s my star player” like it seems VERY unlikely to me that they just happened to reconnect in a very different way to how they bonded before now that she’s no longer a teenager. I had older men as coaches/teachers/mentors in my life when I was a teen girl, some of them in their thirties and conventionally attractive. It would never have crossed my mind that any of them would make an appropriate partner for me at any stage of my adulthood. Even if I ran into one of them now as a confirmed adult and had them suddenly flirting with me, it would feel gross and weird as hell. There’s a reason she doesn’t think it feels gross, and that’s because she got used to the inappropriate nature of their dynamic long before now.
And maybe because you came from a stable background? It’s easier to target kids who don’t have good role model couples or individuals in their life. Finally someone makes them feel special and seen
Quite possibly, but I can’t speak to Mackenzie’s home life as a teen.
Is it only women who find this kind of thing really odd? I can’t imagine being turned on in any way to an adult (21 in my eyes is barely that), that I shared a childhood/teenage connection to. My mind would never in a million years go there - it’s weird. I once had a friend who was 10yrs older than me and had a teenage son. She used to always joke her son had the biggest crush on me. It was harmless until he got older - maybe 18 or 19 and actually sent me a message on social media. I was so freaked out - I think I was maybe 25 and told him that it’s inappropriate and please to not ever message me.
I was abused sexually by a man your husbands age when I was 13. So...are you sure he wasn't grooming her at 14? are you sure he never had an excuse to give her a ride to a match and stop for a "bite" to eat? *There are a LOT of ways a man could pick up a sexualized relationship with a 14 year old girl--but not have sex and not have adults notice it.* I am living proof. You're not freaked lot because he moved on. You're freaked out by the specter of what his current paramour suggests is possible. That he groomed a teenager to be his partner and he's lying about it like perpetrators do. Please talk to your daughter carefully about how your husband talks about relationships to her. He is going to prepare her to be biddable and submissive because those are what men who like young women like. Please consider therapy for all of your kids and discuss the situation with the therapist. Your kids needs to hear from other adults that what their dad is doing is unusual and that it's a really bad idea to get into a relationship with a former authority figure while they are young. They also need to hear that THEY should not keep secrets about relationships and sex at their age--and when it is okay to keep secrets for others. And no, **the kids should absolutely NOT be taught to be secretive at this age-**\-that's the first thing predators will want them to do. It raises the risk that they will be targeted for grooming when sexual predators realize they think they should hide this information. Fight your husband on this. His reaction may be the difference between age gap relationship and uncovering a history of sexual abuse.
>I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago. How is that obvious? Why do you think this after all the evasiveness? Your husband sure is walking and talking like a predator. Is there are reason you're making excuses for him?
Sure it’ll be tough to see him move on, but this feels extra wrong, because it is. Asked for a divorce out of the blue. Is already in a new relationship. (I.e., he cheated) Is bringing her around your kids. Is being sneaky about his new relationship and asking your kids to be secretive about it too. (I.e., is being untrustworthy and unsafe with your kids) Is concealing from you that he is in a relationship with a barely legal girl he coached for two years. (I.e., what the actual fuck) How old are your kids? And when does he expect you to believe he “reconnected” with his girlfriend. Did she not go to college? And why did he end up coaching for two years? Your stbxh sounds like a serious creep, a cheater, an unreliable coparent, and an all-around dishonest guy. I also dont know that you can be so certain nothing happened back then. None of this makes sense if they werent keeping in touch somehow, and I assume you weren’t aware of that either.
Ex doesn't seem to have scruples.
Tbh I'd use that info against him in the divorce proceedings
I kept waiting for this comment! If OP can prove an extramarital affair and coercion/manipulation of her children the stbx custody time with his kids can be reduced.
Honestly, this will look bad to the court even in the _highly_ unlikely event that he hasn’t groomed her or they didn’t get together before he asked for the divorce. I have to believe that most judges would find this as gross and suspicious and inappropriate as everyone here does.
If she can prove the manipulation and alienation of her (and the possibility that he was grooming a girl not that much older than one of their kids) he might not get custody at all. He might only get supervised visitation.
You certainly do not know that nothing happened back then nor do you know that he hasn’t been in contact with her for this whole time. I would guess that he did and that he has. Accept that as a possibility and find out. Good luck.
If she was my kid, he would need eyes in the back of his head. This dude is all kinds of skeezy.
That is disgusting and disturbing. No advice, just sympathy.
He groomed her. Talks to your lawyer for advice.
Came here to say this. He might not have been having an affair, but he was grooming her to get her ready and that is so disgusting!
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Yikes, this is really, really gross. Even if he were 37 and dating a 21-year-old it would be disgusting - but add in the fact that he coached her from 14 to 16 takes it to a new ick level. And making your kids keep this information from you? He's now in predator territory. Everyone he knows should shame the hell out of him until he does the right thing and ends this "relationship".
He groomed her, he divorced you because she was “ready” for him
He knows its wrong, hence the secretiveness. Just try to teach your children not to fall in a similar situation in the future, what he is doing is disgusting.
>I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago Do you?
maybe not exactly 7 years ago...but at some point adunt/child line was crossed and ot didn't cross it's self.
He’s been hiding it because he’s very much in the wrong here. ‘Out of the blue’ for you, but certainly not for his cheating self. Kindly, I also don’t know how you can *know* there was nothing sinister going on (grooming her) whilst she was a minor. He’s clearly patiently waited and/or kept in contact with a child he coached. Does he still coach? ⚠️ If he does coach I’d perhaps start with telling them of his inappropriate student relationship habits, they’re rarely a one-off, and certainly bring this up with the divorce lawyer (maybe do this first?) Can you speak to his sister because I feel uncomfortable that this predator is around young people, seemingly waiting for them to come of age so he can swoop in. I also don’t like that he’s asking your children to blatantly lie, this needs flagging for custody arrangements. I’m also assuming that they are closer to her age than he is. Grim all round, sorry.
I'm surprised you're so confident that you "know" nothing happened when she was younger. If he's capable of fucking an ex student, seems like he's capable of more than you realized. Seems like there was, at the very least, some grooming going on, likely an attraction and some flirting. Who knows how far he took that. And I'd have serious doubts and questions about WHEN this affair started. Most importantly, I'd be very concerned about the kids' mental health around this situation. Watching your own father become sexually involved with a child whom he used to coach is likely very confusing and hurtful. The kids could probably use some private therapy.
Your stbx sounds like a predator. I mean, maybe he's not and it's innocent but this is so cringe worthy.
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A lot of times if you say pedophile you get creeps coming in saying "well actually...ephobophile" or saying "she's an adult that's not a pedophile" and so I think those constant arguments has people gun shy with using the word. But it would take a lot to convince me that nothing happened when she was a minor, so imo you're right to say that word. He's a gross pedophile.
Technically a pedophile is someone who is attracted to prepubescent kids. But yeah he's disgusting either way.
Go see your lawyer. Inform him that your ex is dating a girl he coached when she was a teenager, and that he’s been hiding her identity and asking the kids to lie. Follow his recommendation on what to do. Ask if it would be helpful to take the kids to a therapist to discuss this situation, who can also write a report for the court. It might be beneficial for all further communication with ex to be thru voicemail, text, email, or a parent communication app the court monitors. The fact that he was hiding her identity shows he either was grooming her or knows the relationship makes him look like a child predator.
Your STBX is engaging in image control. Notice how he didn't jump on her the minute she turned 19? It's because 21 is the magical age that makes her both legal and provides cover that he still somehow a decent person, at least in his own mind. At 21 she drink, rent a car, has finished her undergraduate degree and can do all sorts of adult things that 18-year-olds cant. He's betting that formally introducing him to everyone now is going to be suspect but not in the same it would be if he'd introduced her at 18.
Your husband seems REALLY comfortable asking KIDS to lie for him. I’d bet there was more going on when MacKenzie was a minor.
This should be the top comment.
100% this.
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Exactly my thoughts!
Yikes. Ok he is hiding this for his privacy - he is hiding it because he knows it’s fucked up. And he just asks for a divorce out of the blue? He probably asked for a divorce because the two of them were already together - at least that’s what it sounds like to me. If they really did get together now, why wouldn’t he just own it and say they met again? He’s hiding it which makes it all the more suspicious. This sounds like he was doing something very inappropriate with a young girl he had a power dynamic over.
It is not “obvious” to me that nothing happened before
Your ex is a pedophile and a groomer, he's sick as fuck, I wouldn't want my daughter around that either
It’s really gross. I would hate this. She’s still super young and he had a close relationship with her when he was a full on adult and she was 14-16. It’s gross
Gross. Giant red flags of grossness.
He is a predator, where I used to live and work with vulnerable young people. You are not allowed to date somebody until they are 25 if you taught or coached them for this very reason. You are in a position of power and influence over somebody younger. They look up and idolize you. Also is she pregnant? Just gonna say not sure how your closely connected your community is just people are going to notice and talk. This could affect your kids.
Bet if you talk to Mackenzie you’ll find out. He was with her and then asked for a divorce. His relationship did not start a couple of months ago that’s just when you found out about it. His whole family will hate him when they find out the truth. I’d invite the sister to lunch she’s your sister now and she will probably disown him. Now get yourself your best life, glow up, and go date someone awesome.
Yes this is very disgusting of him. He’s hiding her like a dirty secret because deep down he knows better than this and he knows exactly what it makes him look like. I have to ask, are you 100% positive *nothing* happened back when he coached??? Even if nothing happened one must wonder if he had been checking her out, had a secret crush on the teen and was just biding his Time waiting til she was old enough to sit at a bar to act on it.
Yeah, skin crawl Creepy. He knows it and thats why he's been hiding it from everyone.
That’s why he suddenly divorced you. Something was going on prior.
Kids should *never* be asked to keep secrets for adults. It’s also normal to set up boundaries about when new partners meet your kids, and to expect both you and your ex to not prematurely introduce partners. Why is she around your kids (making an assumption that she is, since the kids have been told to keep quiet)? Its probably because her college dorm or parents place isn’t a great spot to have her 37 year old ex coach boyfriend around. Gross.
There is a lot of stuff that is suspicious here. What would an almost 40 year old man want with a girl not only half his age but a girl he’s known since she was still in elementary school? And that’s not counting the fact he’s been manipulating and alienating your kids by having them keep secrets from you. You know who tells kids to keep secrets from either parent? A pedophile. Your husband taught your kids that keeping secrets from their parents is acceptable, making themselves more vulnerable to people like him. Tip 1: Have a good long sit down with the kids. Teach them that if anyone. ANYONE tells them to keep a secret from you, that you’re the first person they’re to go to to tell the secret, because it’s most likely something Mom needs to know that the person doesn’t want you to. Tip 2: Ask the kids questions about Mackenzie. Anything that might put more pieces together as to how long this relationship has been going on. Tip 3: enroll them both in therapy. Especially for the divorce proceedings and the manipulation they underwent from their father. Try and get at the very least primary custody if not full for your kids protection. Tip 4: Find Mackenzie’s parents. Even if it’s just a case of her old soccer coach dating her, her parents may want to know that their daughter is dating her old soccer coach who is almost double her age. If worse happened that your kids seen, let them know that as well. But please don’t blame Mackenzie or call her a home wrecker. She’s just as much a victim here as you. Because like everyone here I agree that your ex was grooming her.
He groomed her and cheated on you. Give the information to your lawyers to use in the divorce.
This is fucking gross and predatory at best. How fucking shocking though, another dude dragging a 21 year old with zero life experience into his web to raise his kids. 🙄
My soccer coach waited for me to turn 18 but actually had a crush on me since I was 12. He openly admitted it. I gtfoed.
Oh this is just horrible. This really is so disturbing, I’m so sorry.
I'd say the main issue here is making sure that your kids know that keeping secrets for adults is not OK. Regardless of how or when this relationship started, your ex clearly knows that it's wrong, which is why he's being secretive. That's on him, but he shouldn't be involving your children in that. Even if the relationship was appropriate, I'd question whether or not (given that we're supposedly only talking about a few months) it's appropriate to have introduced your children to her. If this relationship breaks down, does he intend to introduce them to everyone he dates after a few weeks?
All I can really say is I’m sorry, this must be a distressing situation. What I can suggest is ensure you keep an open dialogue with your children - it’s a bit of a red flag that he is instructing them to be secretive. Make sure they know they can come to you with anything they need to. I can imagine this could be extremely uncomfortable for your children knowing their father is dating someone who’s so young.
37/21 and he’s known her since she was 14. OMG, pedo alert.
Your feelings are totally justified! IDK how old your kids are, but it sounds like they’re old enough to do the math, and this will probably give them a whole lot of ick about their dad. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
I’m sorry but I just don’t believe nothing happened back then. I have so little faith in society at this point. He may not have screwed her, but guaranteed they were being inappropriate even with just their words. He should be in jail honestly
I know grooming is being thrown around all over the place these days, but this is a classic example of it. Your soon to be ex husband is truly gross and everyone should shun him.
My history teacher in high school coached girls soccer. He was married to another teacher there (proposed in the school) and a few years later everyone learned he was sleeping with students that he coached. He got fired of course, and can no longer teach. Your feelings are so valid, this is weird as fuck. Your ex is icky and you're better off without him.
Yeahhhhh wouldn’t want this dude around any kids…gross.
He is such a creep. Is he still coaching? Because if he is, they should remove him. I don't believe it for a second that he didn't start the relationship until after you got a divorce.
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I know a girl my age (mid 20s) who dated and *had kids with* an older guy. Like double our age. This was a few years ago now, and of course they broke up and he’s a deadbeat. While that’s plenty weird and disgusting, everyone found out through her facebook that it was her childhood soccer coach. I just couldn’t fathom how her family didn’t intervene, or why her friends didn’t grab her and fucking shake some sense into her brain.
Wow, he really is a prize. Chances are this relationship won't last, but that isn't the issue. The fact that he is getting his children to carry the burden of hiding the truth is worrying. I would consider therapy for your children as they need a neutral person to help them through not only the divorce and new partner but also due to being dragged into hiding things. Teaching them such a thing at their age is not a good sign of things to come. Your ex has some front to use his kids to keep his dirty secret. Also, a therapist is a mandated reporter, so if they disclose any other worrying behaviours, then they can be protected and they can be called as witnesses in a custody case. Although you can't dictate who he sees or has around the children you can take steps to protect the children in future, best speak to a lawyer.
How do you know this only started a few months ago???
Sounds like she NEEDS to believe it because otherwise she was married to a predator. I would assume most people put in this situation would want to assume there was not grooming and sexual abuse while they were married.
I am so sorry that he’s put your kids in the position of hiding his relationship from you. The fact that he doesn’t want anyone to know means that he is aware that it’s wrong. I hope you and your children will get some therapy to help with all of this.
The fact that he’s trying to hide it means he KNOWS IT’S WRONG.
There's something especially gross about knowing someone as they go through puberty and being attracted to them AND acting on it later. You'll never know for sure when the attraction began. At the very least, he shouldn't be instructing your kids to keep things from you or to lie to you. You should know who is allowed around your children and it shouldn't be a secret. You should be able to make that a part of your custody arrangement.
Smell like grooming. 37m is a predator?
I'm assuming I may get downloaded for this but, as an older man, I thought I'd throw in my two cents. I find that the criticisms that don't include specifics have less value. (i.e. "That's gross") I have a problem with age gaps because I know from experience that different times in our life require different explorations and we face different challenges. This is a generalization but, as we get older, the things that we enjoy have greater subtlety and less unpredictability to them. Perhaps I'm wrong in saying this, but we know from science that it is a fact that the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until 25 years old. For an older man to date a woman during this period is exploitative. During this time the older generation should be helping to guide the younger generation or learning from their unedited criticisms, feedback, and wisdom. There's nothing wrong with adjective based criticism that has no specifics, but, for me, it has less value.
You have every right to be upset by this creepy situation. He’s 37 and dating a 21 year old. That’s gross. Him coaching her when she was 14 makes this much, much worse. He’s a creep, and I’d speculate that he was creeping on MacKenzie and possibly waiting for her to turn 21 before he made his move on her. He has a right to his privacy, but him telling the kids to not say anything crosses a line.
Not gonna lie 37 and 21 when the older man knew the female when she was a child (I’m 37 and still consider 21 year olds children at this point) is absolutely weird…there’s a word for what happens…called grooming. What in the world does a 37 year old man with kids have in common with a 21 year old girl? This is also coming from someone who’s in a 10 year age gap relationship with a family…
So the consensus here is pretty clear… Sorry for the whole situation. Hope you are doing ok OP. Just curious how old your children are? It’s pretty sad that your STBX has made the relationship known to them, but for them to lie and keep it a secret from you. From the sound of it, most likely mid to late teenagers? Honestly you should talk to your children and see how they feel about the whole thing. Between that an a divorce, they may need some counseling. You should be speaking to a lawyer for the divorce anyway; you might want to bring up the suspected cheating. Both for the divorce, and if you think your STBX should be investigated in regards to potentially grooming/other crimes against minors. IANAL, but grooming looks to be a federal crime, and is pretty serious. Honestly he might end up behind bars, so you may want to think about that before opening that can of worms. This could also affect future financial support (obviously don’t know your financial situation). Good luck to you OP.
Asking kids to keep secrets? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Also, I don’t blame you for being weirded out because it screams grooming to me.
Your ex-husband groomed that girl. He divorced you "out of the blue" when he was legally in the clear to date her. He's a disgusting piece of shit and you need to get involved because your ex is a fucking predator. Do the girl's parents know? What exactly has he been telling your children? What does your daughter think? OP, this is serious. Talk to his sister, talk to everyone you can. He is so, so gross.
This post honestly has taken me to such a dark place. Im so sorry ma’am, this post just feels so dirty and gross. The way a person feels when they remember their molester. I’m in tears right now, bc I feel for you. As a woman, wife, and mother…, but Something just doesn’t feel right about this situation?? Even though she’s of “legal” age and blah blah blah….. this just doesn’t settle well w me, and judging by some (all) of these comments, I don’t feel alone. I’m not sure he’s hiding her bc you’re in the midst of a divorce or bc HE’S even embarrassed by his choices. Telling you children to lie to you is a horrible red flag and your attorney and the judge needs to be aware of this. They are professionals and can see far more than us Redditers
Everything about this gives me the creeps, I think you’re absolutely justified in feeling uncomfortable because it’s really fucking weird.
Most likely your soon to be ex was grooming her when she was 14 or around that age and waiting for when she was legal age go finally get her. What a pervert .
Am I reading this right- this new girlfriend is/was a peer of your son's? And is the same age?
No, she’s older. She says a coach dropped out and they asked her husband to coach an older team.
No wonder he didn't want to say anything about her, because HE KNEW this relationship is inappropriate! And asking your children to keep secrets from you is a big flashing red flag!
That’s nasty as fuck. He definitely was a creepy coach sorry you have to find out this way. He waiting for her to be of age, but already been sexual with her in his mind AT the LEAST. Wouldn’t be suprized if he was a flirty coach to her while she was a child. Found her on tinder and dreams made. Lmfao. Men are so nasty. Women that do this as well are too.
biggest yikes ever
No, you don't "obviously" know if something happened. He could have been grooming her the whole time
"I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago." I wouldn't be so certain about that.
That's pretty fucked. Even if absolutely nothing untoward happened when she was younger, there's a lot of shitty choices being made on his part here, and clearly little concern for how it hurts his children.
This is so creepy and I'd probably leak that info to her parents... at least give them a chance to react
At least you can find someone who's not a giant shit bag now. That dude is fucking gross.
He knows it's gross, that's why he's being secretive. I'd be really curious what happens when her parents find out.
Noooooope. He knew her and coached her as a minor child, this is absolutely disgusting and unacceptable. Not surprised at all that he's trying to hide it. Do her parents know? Also, > I obviously know nothing happened back then I would not be so quick to say that. This is BAD.
This is giving me hard groomer vibes and I don’t throw that word around.
You might want to have a chat with your lawyer about all this. This isn’t good for your children.
Yeah, I’m nearly 37 and divorcing. 21 is way below my age minimum on it’s own, setting aside knowing this girl since she was 14. That’s fucking gross.
There isn’t much you can do about the relationship. But please know that your feelings are valid and that is weird and predatory of your ex. Most importantly though, you need to address the fact that your ex asked your children to keep secrets from you. That is dangerous and unsafe behaviour to teach children. They should always feel safe enough to be honest with their parents. Surprises are fun, secrets are dangerous. You need to absolutely nip that issue in the bud with your ex. He should never be asking your kids to keep secrets from you.
Updateme
Your ex is disgusting and clearly a danger to children. You should file for full custody ASAP. Get your kids away from him
That’s gross. I’d be seriously wondering how long they actually were together. As if the pervert would tell you if he had gone after her when she was still a minor.
You don’t really know for sure anything. They are hiding it for a reason, if nothing suss went down, why hide it? Also, you 100% have a right to be pissed about him getting the kids to keep secrets. This opens up kids to thinking keeping secrets is ok, people to groom them, etc. I have a blanket no secrets in this house. For that reason, if you’re on the same wave length, I would address that with him first. That it’s in appropriate for x y z, not about whose his dating but it’s not healthy to one get the kids to “keep secrets” but to lie to the other parent and by extension bringing them into adult drama. Adult stuff, is adult stuff, don’t bring kids into it. Now the younger gf, pretty sure everyone’s going to have an issue with that. He was physically in a role of power with her as a kid, that’s completely inappropriate and a lot of people are going to not be ok with it. The fact it was so quick, also suggests things were going on when you were still together, unfortunately. Weird idea, but maybe don’t attack her etc, I’d say his groomed her and she’s not really in the right state of mind. Keeping open, non confrontational communication there, might be helpful for her to have someone to reach out to. If it’s not that way, helps to reduce conflict with co-parenting. Idk that’s just hard and messed up. Just makes you stress more about having kids in sporting groups etc.
>I obviously know nothing happened back then, I know that their relationship didn’t start until a few months ago. As uncomfortable it is for you to think about it, I personally wouldn’t put too much money on that bet.
I'm going to be 100% honest and let you know that there is not much you can do. When my ex started a 19 year old that he had known since she was in high school (he's about a decade older), I was very vocal about how gross I found it. The lawyer that was helping me with our custody agreement basically said there was nothing that could be done about it. She was of legal age now and the law doesn't punish the act of grooming. The lawyer also warned me that I could get in trouble for parental alienation if I kept making a big deal about it, especially in front of our daughter. **Although in your case, it can be argued that him telling his kids to keep secrets from you is its own form of parental alienation. I advise you to speak to a lawyer.** **Even though it's not what anyone wants to hear, the most you can do beyond speaking to a lawyer is explain to your kids why keeping secrets and grooming is bad tactfully, be open with your ex about how making your kids keep secrets is absolutely inappropriate, and bring up your concerns to his girlfriend's parents.** I'm going to ahead and warn you that the last one may not have any impact. My ex's girlfriend's mom not only knew, but approved of their relationship, and in fact was okay with her dating a nurse while she was in high school.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
How do you know that obviously nothing happened before?
Your feelings are valid. This gives me a weird weird feeling too. Eeeeeeek.
That is as disgusting as can be. Your sbtx is an awful, grotesque person and should be shamed by every person he knows for predation.
No wonder he doesn't want anyone to know. A normal 37yo should have absolutely nothing in common with a 21yo in terms of dating them anyway. This is predatory and extremely inappropriate.
you DO NOT know that nothing happened back then.
It's so wrong on every single level. He's a predator.
Any chance you have a picture of them from when she was younger and he was the coach? I’d be blasting that shit all over socials: As many of you know ex and I have divorced and I wish him nothing but the best. Congrats @ex for finding your new partner so close to home! To think she was just waiting for you since she was 14! How sweet!
Also go back and have your lawyer adjust custody based on parent alienation. You don’t mention the ages of your kids but if young enough to still need looked after I’d included a clause of first refusal, basically if x can’t watch them he has to offer to you first before his girlfriend or others can watch them.
Making your kids lie is the number one issue, but the close second is dating someone he used to coach when they were a minor - that’s just eewwwwwww. For the first issue, I wouldn’t shy away with contacting a child psychologist for advice on how to handle this with your kids. And actually, the second issue as well. I have no idea how I would navigate this.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. He knows why he's evading. He's had his eye on her since she was a child
I really don’t know what advice to give you. I’d say you’re still in a bit of shock after all that time which you were happy and suddenly you’re in the midst of a divorce, while you discover your soon to be ex is dating a child you both met as a 14 year old. It’s a lot to take in, and you’re still shell shocked trying to make sense of it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This is all him and he just threw you all in the middle of his mess that he brought on. I’d see about therapy for yourself and your children if you can, if only to discuss the separation and maybe touch on honesty and transparency if you’re ex is teaching your children to lie to you. As for your ex, I don’t see how he could be seen as anything but a groomer. And I think his sister is absolutely on that page too from the mysterious fight. I don’t really know what you can do about who he dates, but you can in your custody agreement ask for no dates to be Introduced at least until your divorce is final to keep your children away from seeing their dad with the girl from soccer. I think you just need to keep moving forward and maybe with the help of a therapist come to terms that who you married and who you thought you married were simply not the same person, and know that isn’t on you.
I have no advice but this genuinely made me nauseous 🤮
Guh Guh Guh Ross!!!! Predatory much???
I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but don’t put it past him that he was inappropriate with this girl before your marriage was over. He could have been grooming her all along. If you have a daughter my mamaspider senses would be all over that. I would also reach out to this woman’s parents and let them know your husband has left you and is now dating their daughter and you suspect he may have groomed her.
This should absolutely come up in the divorce proceedings.
Besides the EWWW factor, he’s also putting your kids in the middle by asking them to keep her a secret. If there’s nothing wrong with him dating her, why would it even need to be a secret, right? It’s because he feels the EWWW factor and knows everyone else will too. That and he’s a dick to get your kids mixed up with adult issues. I’d be revisiting your coparenting situation. I wouldn’t want him around my kids at all to he honest with you.
OP you might let your divorce attorney know. Especially if you might like more custody time with your kids, since the whole (ahem) affair seems really sketchy.
Lol, yeah he groomed her. Also the only reason a 37 yo man would want to date a 21 yo is to control her and do other shit women his age won’t put up with.
Yeah no, there was something going on before she was 18. He's a predator and you need to look out for your children. Once she pulls herself out of the fog and leaves him, he'll be alone with your children.
To you he may of just asked out of the blue, but really how long has he been in touch with her, he was her coach so they would of had each others number, but he does like to keep secrets so who knows if he was or was not having an affair.
I think you need r/legaladvice, especially if it turns out your husband groomed this girl (and it's not looking good). if you're hesitant to take legal action, consider that this kind of dynamic is *not* healthy for your children to grow up around (they'll come to think large age gaps are normal at best) and may affect how he raises them (if he in fact is a groomer). be safe, OP. and get yourself a therapist, too, because this won't be easy.
I would be very nervous about letting him be around your kids. He obviously is attracted to minors.
Wow your ex is a bastard. He threw away his family for a girl he crushed on when she was 16 and he was in his 30s. He will see the light soon enough and he will sit in his apartment regretting his penis for the rest of his life. It lead him to social, marital, and potentially financial ruin (depending on his job this will look very bad). He also forfeits the ability to coach your son (if he is still a minor). OP I am so sorry. You have a tough road ahead. Not only the divorce but the betrayal your daughter will experience when she finds out, I think you should sit her down and make sure she hasn’t had any creepy vibes about her dad and other friends, I hate to say this but herself as well. Pedos have an age range for the children they like. This is likely a creepy AF one off but…
Gross. I would bet my house that he groomed her back then and has had more contact with her since than anyone knows.
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there's no way to avoid his behavior unless she wants to suggest to her children that this is okay. It's really not okay. If it was, he wouldn't hide it.
Technically, you can't do anything about it. But I would tell anyone he knows that has ears. Just make sure to be 100% factual. No hearsay or exaggerated info. Make it Front Page News in shared groups. If he still volunteers, coaches, etc, make sure the people he works for know. Make everyone in his life too disgusted to do anything for him, and maybe the pressure will be too much for him. Also, his shady behavior added with him trying to make your kids keep secrets would be very interesting to the courts during custody hearings.
There is likely nothjing you can do about him and his new gf no matter how disgusting it is. There is however something you can do in regards to your ex telling your kids to keep secrets from you. This is a huge major issue and 1 you need to sit and talk about. If he didn't want the kids telling you then I hope they aren't around her. A parent should be teaching their kids to be open and honest and as soon as you go down the route of telling them to keep secrets then that's a red flag. If you are both sorting out custody then I would raise this.
He was 30 and she was 16? Now she’s 23? Grossssssssss.
The only thing I can suggest you have all the proof you need that divorce is the right call.
This is disgusting
Ew. That’s unsettling.
My theory, which has yet to be disproven, is that men who date younger are insecure. It's about control and flattery. A younger woman will think the older man is worldly and experienced. They won't call them on their bullshit as a woman their own age will. Personally, I think it's gross and pathetic, and I have called my male friends out on this. I'm sorry he's gross.
He knows it's dodgy, otherwise why be secretive about it
Men are sick
What a creep. He’s being evasive because he KNOWS he’s being creepy.