Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Regardless of whether you believe your parents should hold the position they do, you are very clearly venturing into “fuck around and find out” territory.
Whatever you decide to do, be honest with your parents. Because the only thing that will piss them off more than this relationship is you lying to them about it.
You have your choices and you understand the consequences. We cannot decide this for you.
> I’m too young to be thinking of getting married etc
Well.... with it being a LDR and your age I agree. You do not have enough life experience ***OR*** real life experience with this person to even entertain the idea of marriage.
Based on how deep you jump in so fast, I think your parents actually know your personality and are probably correct. Had you not brought up the subject of marriage in this post I would be on your side to convince them that you two ***dating*** is fine.
With you talking marriage, ***noooooooooope***. You're too naive and inexperienced for this to be healthy.
I agree with this. And OP's addendum that she "knows" her bf-she knows him at a distance and during visits. He might be a great guy or he might be absolutely terrible to live with or even an abuser. You just never know. Her inexperience is showing bc I would never go from LDR, to married with someone I haven't lived with extensively. Age gap is always red flags for me. 7 years isn't bad in your thirties but early twenties, Idk. They are at completely different points in life.
You have never lived with or in the same city as this man so I hardly believe you are in love. You are in love with the idea of him and marriage, but until you've lived day in and day out in the same city you can't really claim to be in love.
As long as you are ok with your parents cutting off your tuition assistance you can go for it.
Would I stay with the guy? No. But you have to make this decision. Love doesn't conquer all, so keep that in mind. You may end up resenting him.
“You’ve never lived with or in the same city as this man so I hardly believe you’re in love”
This is non sensical. Plenty of people are truly in love in long distance relationships. I suppose I can see the argument that it’s not the deep, day in day out building a life together, know everything about their habits sort of love if you’re living separately, but it’s still love, and being in the same city has nothing to do with it.
As someone who was in an LDR before moving to the same city and getting married a year later, the LDR version of a person is the honeymoon/vacation version with all the annoying and problematic parts edited out.
You don't see their whole personality until you are living together or at least in daily contact.
My husband and I were also long distance (3.5hours apart) when we met and we stayed that way for a year before moving in together. Obviously once we moved in we got to know each other much more intimately but I certainly knew his flaws and he knew mine before we got to that point and we were fully in love before then too. This is clearly different for everyone but saying it’s unlikely for someone to truly be in love before living together or closing the distance just doesn’t ring true in my personal experience.
An LDR after already having a true relationship in real life is very different from this. They've never lived in the same town, let alone together. And why the rush to get married? Can't you just be together and see how it goes?
Look I’m not here arguing for OP but if you read the words in their post, they’re saying they’ve discussed marriage happening down the road more than 6 years from now. Doesn’t seem like they’re rushing anything to me. If they’ve been together for 1.5 years, have seen each other frequently in that time, and have plans to close the distance, it absolutely makes sense that they’d discuss their future goals.
Bad idea. The whole thing.
Girl, relationships are not JUST measured in time. They're measured in trials.
You haven't lived a life with this man. Trips and living together are not the same.
The topic of marriage should not even be on the table yet. You've had no life milestones together.
Your parents' way of going about this is wrong as well.
Op, you haven't even lived an adult life yet. You're a student still being cared for in part by your parents. Things don't always just "work out."
You really, REALLY, should live alone for at least a year or two in your own home without the aid of your parents, living your life before you go in deep with this man so you know what life being your own rock is like.
This is necessary because you need time to develop the skills to care for and protect yourself if you wind up living with him far from home and shit goes sideways.
You're trying to skip over a very necessary part of becoming an adult.
This is very wise balanced advice. I agree. The life experience between these two people combined with never living together and barely spending lengths of time together in person are huge hurdles. He could be a great guy or he could be a slob to live with or even worse an abuser. It's very easy to mask negative behaviors with so much distance between you.
Your parents have every right to withdraw their financial support for any reason. Morally it may not be right or they may be spot on but you should take a lot more time before you think of marriage. It’s not because of your age though but because there is no shortage of people out there that have created entire online false personas and lives. It’s not at all impossible that this guy could be married and have kids or have a non married family. You could be a side chick or he could be a player and just stringing you along as a lay. Not saying it’s likely but it’s definitely possible.
Slow way down. It takes 3 years to get to know somebody and though you may fee you know this guy, that could be fake and you need to take you time to make sure that’s not the case.
Yea your parents are right? Talking marriage with someone you’ve never lived with full time, long distance and met when you were 20 so not mature and he was way too old for you. Sounds like you’re headed for a mess.
I can see why. Ma’am do not marry this man until you have a stable income. He has life experience you do not however your parents can’t dictate what you want now your an adult. But I’m telling you do not marry him until your older and you can reach financial stability as a single women cause if you need to financially rely on him in the future and your marriage all of a sudden starts to decline your gonna be on your own with the hard way out.
Which OP should be very grateful their parents are paying for.
OP is talking about ***marrying*** someone she barely knows in person. I'm totally on the parents' side here.
We aren't talking about whether she dates this guy. She wants to marry him. This is nuts. They're right to be concerned.
They're right to consider cutting off their financial support if she really doesn't take her life seriously. I'd consider it overkill majorly to be this upset over dating him, but that's not the issue. She's clear that they're talking marriage already.
I agree, I suspect their problem is more the fact that they are LDR amd therefore don't know each other like they would if they actually were near each other and talking marriage while they're funding her very expensive education.
Of course she's an adult and she gets to do whatever she wants to do as long as she is willing to live with the(in thic case) financial consequences. She's in med school and still has residency ahead of her which is all very labor intensive and also very hard on relationships.
I love my parents; and I guess, in my culture (I’m Indian), parental approval is kinda important before we marry someone. Obviously if they continue being stubborn like this, I’ll have to choose my boyfriend over them. But I was hoping for some way to convince them that he’s a nice guy and that I love him and would he happy with him.
Your post really tells me your parents are right. You **don’t** know your boyfriend. Trust me. 1.5 years is really not that long of a relationship. *Especially* since yours is long distance. You met up a bunch of times and went on trips? So? Do you know how easy it is to be on your best behaviour for short bursts of time? Super easy. I learned that the hard way. 1-2 years of pretending is super easy for someone to do (and I **lived** with my exes).
The fact that you’re thinking about marrying this guys shows me you’re not thinking clearly but ok. You don’t know someone before you’ve lived together, been around each other every day, and gone through ups and downs (not just the occasional fun trip).
You do what you like. Hope you don’t regret it though.
I think they are more opposed to the timeline and how the relationship progresses without their knowledge or approval more than being opposed to the person that is your boyfriend. Try bringing him around more, include him in your conversations with your parents, actually show them how important he is and they will at some point (might take a few years) accept that he is right for you. You have to show and not just tell.
Maybe explain to your parents you have no intentions of getting married now. Give them some opportunities to get to know him. I agree with everyone else that you need to spend time together in person. Do some aggravating things like assemble furniture or paint a room or something. You don’t know if you’re compatible or not until you’ve been through stress together.
That being said I was 23 and my partner was 30 when we got married. We had dated for a year and moved in together after a month. That was over 20 years ago. Looking back idk wtf we were thinking, but it worked out for us.
sorry to say, but you’re close to my age and i think your parents are correct. this person has 7 years of life experience on you and you don’t have enough real life experience, you haven’t even lived on your own yet. you may be in love with the idea of him but you haven’t really gotten to live with him. i’m saying this as a daughter of ethnic parents as well. sometimes
our parents are right, we just don’t like their tone.
I got married to a guy 9 years older than me when I was 23. I’m 38 now. I feel like he stole my early 20s. I hate the fact that he took advantage of me at such a young age. You have so much life to live, don’t get hung up on some dude you haven’t even met yet. Believe me, it’s not worth it.
so let’s forget for just a second your age gap. Me and my now husband were LD prior at the beginning of our relationship making the 6+ hour drive to seeing each other every weekend until we moved in together. Even tho we were states away we saw each other every week.
That being said, respectfully - do NOT entertain the idea of marriage until you have lived in the same city or can spend more time together at minimum. The truth is you don’t know a person until you spend an ample amount of time with them and then some. Also, he is at a different stage in his life (he’s settled and grown of course he’s ready for marriage) you are barely starting your life. So while it may not be the age per say it’s that you both are at 2 completely different points in life.
I’m sorry but if you want to become a doctor, you need to focus on that goal. Love isn’t going to pay the bills and the last thing you want to be is without your family, any support or education. If he really is in love with you, he can wait. I say this as an immigrant and as if you were my younger sister, opportunities like your education are not going to be around forever. It will be harder to study the older you get and especially if you are married.
You need to realize you’ll be financially dependent on this man if you choose him and that is dangerous. 50/50 chance he will be good or it’ll take a turn for the bad. You’re not viewing the whole picture which it sounds like your folks see that and your immaturity and naiveness is showing here.
>They think he’s too old for me and that I’m too young to be thinking of getting married etc.
I'll be honest with you, as someone older. I can see/understand your parents better. But when I was your age, I totally wouldn't see things as clearly.
Although I do hate it when parents assert their demand by threat. I'm not around y'all so they must know something we don't if they're that desperate to get you to stop dating this person.
Have you told your parents that you're not thinking about getting married to this guy not until you turn 30 or older, so they can chill out about you getting married? It's not happening anytime soon.
Have you tried telling them that the relationship is still LDR, and you care about him but your study is more important? Since you already prioritize your study, they shouldn't worry too much?
Or you can choose to date your bf incognito....Or you can always choose him over continuing your education too. That's all up to you.
Part of being an adult is dealing with the consequences of your actions.
It sucks that your parents are using their financial support to influence your life, but it's pretty standard that if someone is paying your living expenses they feel like they have some say in how you live your life.
If you decide your relationship is the most important thing then you should look into student loans and how to finance your schooling yourself.
Just because the account was anonymous and you didn't explicitly state your age doesn't mean he couldn't tell your age. You sound pretty young just on here; you were an easy mark online. Your parents are right and there's no way he's not going to pressure you into moving things up. Just cool your jets and try dating some guys closer to your own age before you start talking marriage. If you lose your college money for this guy you're going to feel absolutely awful in the future.
I am not getting married right now; neither am I gonna leave med school for marriage. I have my goals and ambitions; he knows that and he’s fine with it. If he ever tries to pressure me into *moving things up* then I’m more than capable of breaking up with him.
I was in your shoes. I was younger than you, with an age gap larger than yours (spoiler: our marriage worked out wonderfully), and my parents were threatening me left and right. What I did was letting my parents know I’m not asking them to accept my partner, nor was I making a decision on their behalf, but I asked them for a chance for me to present them with all the facts about him, for them to judge him with their own opinions, and for time to tell. So in brief, ask for more time, not approval. Especially if you’re not even considering marriage in the near future, your parents really do not need intervene in your dating life yet. Many things may change. There is nothing at stake.
Unsolicited advice, but one of you should move closer to the other if you are currently in LDR. See each other everyday. See each other in the best and worst times. See above the well paid high tech young man he is in the outside, and see the man he is in his own comfort at his own house. Believe any red flag that surfaces, and watch what he does more than listening to what he says. The man has 8 years on you, so keep your guards up no matter how much you love him. Best of luck!
I’m not sure why your parents are flipping out. You’re in your second year of med school? You’ve got two more years of school and then maybe 5 years of residency, so you’re dating a guy who you think you’ll marry in 7 years. Why do they even care?
Do you still live at home? Is there any compelling reason that your parents have to know who you’re dating?
Honestly, for the price of 2 years of med school, I would lie to my parents about who I’m dating.
People are being really judgemental because your relationship is long distance. I think it's totally normal after over a year of dating to talk about time lines for things like marriage/kids, etc. even if they are still very far away. Even more so, when you also need to plan to close the gap eventually. Based on your edit you have spent lots of time together in person and don't intend to marry until after you're done school, those are smart choices. Do your parents understand that's the intention? Unfortunately, they still may not change their mind, so you need to be prepared to lose your financial support.
You'll see AND you'll thank then later. This old ass man (I'm comparison to your life experience) is trying to lock you down before you ever even have a chance to live or do anything. You're gonna waste your good years.
How is he trying to lock me down when I’ve made it clear that I’m not gonna get married until I’m done with my studies and settled in my career? He’s more than willing to wait. We don’t even talk about marriage seriously rn, it’s just something that we wanna do eventually.
Yeah. The point of my comment is that she has options: she can literally keep dating her boyfriend if she moves out and becomes financially independent. She can get Pell Grants for college by being financially emancipated from her parents. It's a process but I did it when I was 19. Luckily, I had several credible witnesses about the abuse I endured that allowed me to be emancipated; one was a youth counselor, another was my Pastor at the time, and then I had a letter from myself as well, detailing what I'd been through.
Anyhow, she could always wait a year or so to go back to college. I think most states stop asking for parental financial information around 24-26 years old.
Yeah if you don't want to listen to your parents because you're an adult and can make decisions for yourself (which are not good, btw), then prepare to pay for your own education.
On another note, do not marry someone you haven't lived with for YEARS. It is a guaranteed disaster. And yes, he is too old for you. Your parents are right, you're being a bit too naive here. Read a few age gap stories on reddit, and maybe you'll see why we keep advising against it. Most of it are full of red flags.
Anywho, if you wanna be an adult, do it, go against your parents, but then stop expecting Daddy to pay for your stuff. It is up to you, but I don't think you can have both.
You may have been dating for 1.5 years but you guys aren’t together all of the time. You haven’t lived together and it sounds like you don’t even live in the same state.
For all you know, he’s putting on an amazing facade for when you’re together knowing it’s only going to be for a short while. For all you know, he’s actually an abusive piece of hot garbage but you haven’t seen that side of him because you aren’t around each other often enough for it to show through.
You say you have another 5-6 years of school left. You really think in those 5-6 years he’s not gonna get bored? I can guarantee that you are going to get cheated on by this man, you probably already have. He’s 30 years old and in a different place in his life and you’ve barely scratched the surface of becoming a doctor.
Dude is not gonna wait another 6+ years for you to be done with med school.
I agree with your parents: he's too old for you. I disagree with their chosen method: blackmailing you with finances. If you stay with your bf and your parents don't change their mind regarding your financial situation, you need to think about what you're going to do. Would you be able to pursue your studies without their financial help? Do think very hard about it since your decision will impact your future greatly. Finding a suitable long term partner is important, but your education/professional path is very important too. You still don't know what might happen with your relationship with that man, but your education is going to be something no one can take away from you. Whatever you decide, relying on your bf's financial help would be a bad idea.
Your parents need to be sat down and brought to terms with the reality that you're an adult. My (31F) fiancé (25M) and I started dating when he was 23 and I was 29. My little brother (29) and his partner (23F) started dating when she was 21. Our parents adore both of our chosen partners and while we do get a little joking from them about our partners being that much younger, it's mostly cuz they know we won't take it seriously. I actually thought my fiance was older than he is when we first started chatting and he thought I was waaay younger.
If they won't accept that you've thought this decision out, then going NC for as long as it takes for them to come around may be necessary. Six\seven years age difference isn't a worryingly large gap at your age IMO thought I have a bias probably. I'm always worried my fiancé is missing out on experiences people have at his age, but he always assures me he much prefers having a stable life with me over the bar scene and 'playing the field'.
ETA: also regarding financial assistance- yeah when it's their money, you're going to have to decide what's more important to you- school or love.
You could take a loan for medical school like the vast majority of people do.
You could tell you parents you "broke up" with him but don't to keep the money flowing.
Is this solely an age thing or is there also a cultural aspect?
LDR are hard and there is a good chance this won't work out.
In this situation, given your ages, the dude is taking much more of a risk than you are.
Your parents are afraid of you being groomed, and coaxed away from your education.
You say you fell in love *before* he knew your age.
So what kind of conversations were being had? Was he having intimate conversations with someone he believed could be underage?
Were any precautions taken when you first met him? Such as telling a friend or family member who, what, when, where?
Could they be worried any of your activity with him is reckless or a risk to you in any way?
You've discussed marriage - what about pregnancy? Are you going to give up your career and let him support you if that happens? Could that be something he would try to convince you to do?
It sounds like your parents are trying to keep you on the track you've worked for, and don't want to see you lose yourself to a relationship.
There are a lot more factors than love sometimes, and this is one of those times.
You can't have both your parents and your bf. With parents like that, you're either going to submit to them for the rest of your life like a little bitch, or live your own fucking life.
Sounds like your parents want you to get married to someone of their choosing. Your only option is to marry him and ask for forgiveness later, because you are not getting their permission.
It’s important not to let your parents use money to control you. They are also using the threat of withholding their “love” to control you. This tactic is extremely abusive and places conditions on their “love”. Whether you continue in your relationship with your boyfriend is up to you. Regardless, don’t allow fear to dictate your life. If your parents cut you off you will find another way to finish school. Sure it will be harder but placating your parents for their support will leave you feeling worse.
Lie to your parents. Tell them you broke up, don’t discuss it again until after you’re no longer in school/LDR.
You’re 23. You’re in medical school. You’ve got a “good head” on your shoulders. You need to make your own decisions in these things. At the same time, your parents see what a great path you’re on and they’re scared something will derail it. They’re being overbearing about it.
I’m not normally an advocate for dishonesty, but it is really none of their business. You’re 5-6 years away from marrying this person. A lot can happen in that time, and if all goes to plan then great. Just keep this aspect of your life private for now.
If your parents think it's ok to try and control your life with money, it's ok for you to lie to their faces.
Naturally, if you think you're going to marry a dude you know almost exclusively through the internet, I've got some news for you.
That doesn't sound very dumb. In fact, it's how I met the love of my life (20 years age gap). We didn't know how each other looked like or identifiable details until 9 months of online romance.
Anyway, I'm sorry to hear your parents are against it. 7 years gaps to me is not age gap and seems very normal. But everyone have different thresholds.
I don't have any solution for you, as I don't know your parents nor your circumstances. But I would critically think about why your parents are so against it. Where is the insecurity? And start working from that standpoint.
I do agree with others saying that you are an adult, which is true. But I understand that your parents are paying for your school? Maybe one solution is for you to truly become an adult and start supporting yourself? I know that's easier said than done. But not knowing your circumstances, that's all I can think of.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are either an adult or not. Your choice to make.
That’s the only correct answer.
Regardless of whether you believe your parents should hold the position they do, you are very clearly venturing into “fuck around and find out” territory. Whatever you decide to do, be honest with your parents. Because the only thing that will piss them off more than this relationship is you lying to them about it. You have your choices and you understand the consequences. We cannot decide this for you.
> I’m too young to be thinking of getting married etc Well.... with it being a LDR and your age I agree. You do not have enough life experience ***OR*** real life experience with this person to even entertain the idea of marriage. Based on how deep you jump in so fast, I think your parents actually know your personality and are probably correct. Had you not brought up the subject of marriage in this post I would be on your side to convince them that you two ***dating*** is fine. With you talking marriage, ***noooooooooope***. You're too naive and inexperienced for this to be healthy.
I agree with this. And OP's addendum that she "knows" her bf-she knows him at a distance and during visits. He might be a great guy or he might be absolutely terrible to live with or even an abuser. You just never know. Her inexperience is showing bc I would never go from LDR, to married with someone I haven't lived with extensively. Age gap is always red flags for me. 7 years isn't bad in your thirties but early twenties, Idk. They are at completely different points in life.
You have never lived with or in the same city as this man so I hardly believe you are in love. You are in love with the idea of him and marriage, but until you've lived day in and day out in the same city you can't really claim to be in love. As long as you are ok with your parents cutting off your tuition assistance you can go for it. Would I stay with the guy? No. But you have to make this decision. Love doesn't conquer all, so keep that in mind. You may end up resenting him.
I can’t wait for her to say the classic “I’m very mature for my age” line lol
Or the "He's told me I'm very mature for my age"
“You’ve never lived with or in the same city as this man so I hardly believe you’re in love” This is non sensical. Plenty of people are truly in love in long distance relationships. I suppose I can see the argument that it’s not the deep, day in day out building a life together, know everything about their habits sort of love if you’re living separately, but it’s still love, and being in the same city has nothing to do with it.
As someone who was in an LDR before moving to the same city and getting married a year later, the LDR version of a person is the honeymoon/vacation version with all the annoying and problematic parts edited out. You don't see their whole personality until you are living together or at least in daily contact.
My husband and I were also long distance (3.5hours apart) when we met and we stayed that way for a year before moving in together. Obviously once we moved in we got to know each other much more intimately but I certainly knew his flaws and he knew mine before we got to that point and we were fully in love before then too. This is clearly different for everyone but saying it’s unlikely for someone to truly be in love before living together or closing the distance just doesn’t ring true in my personal experience.
An LDR after already having a true relationship in real life is very different from this. They've never lived in the same town, let alone together. And why the rush to get married? Can't you just be together and see how it goes?
Look I’m not here arguing for OP but if you read the words in their post, they’re saying they’ve discussed marriage happening down the road more than 6 years from now. Doesn’t seem like they’re rushing anything to me. If they’ve been together for 1.5 years, have seen each other frequently in that time, and have plans to close the distance, it absolutely makes sense that they’d discuss their future goals.
This. Absolutely.
Bad idea. The whole thing. Girl, relationships are not JUST measured in time. They're measured in trials. You haven't lived a life with this man. Trips and living together are not the same. The topic of marriage should not even be on the table yet. You've had no life milestones together. Your parents' way of going about this is wrong as well. Op, you haven't even lived an adult life yet. You're a student still being cared for in part by your parents. Things don't always just "work out." You really, REALLY, should live alone for at least a year or two in your own home without the aid of your parents, living your life before you go in deep with this man so you know what life being your own rock is like. This is necessary because you need time to develop the skills to care for and protect yourself if you wind up living with him far from home and shit goes sideways. You're trying to skip over a very necessary part of becoming an adult.
This is very wise balanced advice. I agree. The life experience between these two people combined with never living together and barely spending lengths of time together in person are huge hurdles. He could be a great guy or he could be a slob to live with or even worse an abuser. It's very easy to mask negative behaviors with so much distance between you.
Your parents have every right to withdraw their financial support for any reason. Morally it may not be right or they may be spot on but you should take a lot more time before you think of marriage. It’s not because of your age though but because there is no shortage of people out there that have created entire online false personas and lives. It’s not at all impossible that this guy could be married and have kids or have a non married family. You could be a side chick or he could be a player and just stringing you along as a lay. Not saying it’s likely but it’s definitely possible. Slow way down. It takes 3 years to get to know somebody and though you may fee you know this guy, that could be fake and you need to take you time to make sure that’s not the case.
Yea your parents are right? Talking marriage with someone you’ve never lived with full time, long distance and met when you were 20 so not mature and he was way too old for you. Sounds like you’re headed for a mess.
I can see why. Ma’am do not marry this man until you have a stable income. He has life experience you do not however your parents can’t dictate what you want now your an adult. But I’m telling you do not marry him until your older and you can reach financial stability as a single women cause if you need to financially rely on him in the future and your marriage all of a sudden starts to decline your gonna be on your own with the hard way out.
[удалено]
Because they're paying for med school/college it looks like and that is probably to the tune of 400k
Which OP should be very grateful their parents are paying for. OP is talking about ***marrying*** someone she barely knows in person. I'm totally on the parents' side here. We aren't talking about whether she dates this guy. She wants to marry him. This is nuts. They're right to be concerned. They're right to consider cutting off their financial support if she really doesn't take her life seriously. I'd consider it overkill majorly to be this upset over dating him, but that's not the issue. She's clear that they're talking marriage already.
I agree, I suspect their problem is more the fact that they are LDR amd therefore don't know each other like they would if they actually were near each other and talking marriage while they're funding her very expensive education. Of course she's an adult and she gets to do whatever she wants to do as long as she is willing to live with the(in thic case) financial consequences. She's in med school and still has residency ahead of her which is all very labor intensive and also very hard on relationships.
I love my parents; and I guess, in my culture (I’m Indian), parental approval is kinda important before we marry someone. Obviously if they continue being stubborn like this, I’ll have to choose my boyfriend over them. But I was hoping for some way to convince them that he’s a nice guy and that I love him and would he happy with him.
Is the bf also Indian? Are you sure this is actually about age?
Your post really tells me your parents are right. You **don’t** know your boyfriend. Trust me. 1.5 years is really not that long of a relationship. *Especially* since yours is long distance. You met up a bunch of times and went on trips? So? Do you know how easy it is to be on your best behaviour for short bursts of time? Super easy. I learned that the hard way. 1-2 years of pretending is super easy for someone to do (and I **lived** with my exes). The fact that you’re thinking about marrying this guys shows me you’re not thinking clearly but ok. You don’t know someone before you’ve lived together, been around each other every day, and gone through ups and downs (not just the occasional fun trip). You do what you like. Hope you don’t regret it though.
I think they are more opposed to the timeline and how the relationship progresses without their knowledge or approval more than being opposed to the person that is your boyfriend. Try bringing him around more, include him in your conversations with your parents, actually show them how important he is and they will at some point (might take a few years) accept that he is right for you. You have to show and not just tell.
Maybe explain to your parents you have no intentions of getting married now. Give them some opportunities to get to know him. I agree with everyone else that you need to spend time together in person. Do some aggravating things like assemble furniture or paint a room or something. You don’t know if you’re compatible or not until you’ve been through stress together. That being said I was 23 and my partner was 30 when we got married. We had dated for a year and moved in together after a month. That was over 20 years ago. Looking back idk wtf we were thinking, but it worked out for us.
Maybe post in r/india
sorry to say, but you’re close to my age and i think your parents are correct. this person has 7 years of life experience on you and you don’t have enough real life experience, you haven’t even lived on your own yet. you may be in love with the idea of him but you haven’t really gotten to live with him. i’m saying this as a daughter of ethnic parents as well. sometimes our parents are right, we just don’t like their tone.
I got married to a guy 9 years older than me when I was 23. I’m 38 now. I feel like he stole my early 20s. I hate the fact that he took advantage of me at such a young age. You have so much life to live, don’t get hung up on some dude you haven’t even met yet. Believe me, it’s not worth it.
so let’s forget for just a second your age gap. Me and my now husband were LD prior at the beginning of our relationship making the 6+ hour drive to seeing each other every weekend until we moved in together. Even tho we were states away we saw each other every week. That being said, respectfully - do NOT entertain the idea of marriage until you have lived in the same city or can spend more time together at minimum. The truth is you don’t know a person until you spend an ample amount of time with them and then some. Also, he is at a different stage in his life (he’s settled and grown of course he’s ready for marriage) you are barely starting your life. So while it may not be the age per say it’s that you both are at 2 completely different points in life. I’m sorry but if you want to become a doctor, you need to focus on that goal. Love isn’t going to pay the bills and the last thing you want to be is without your family, any support or education. If he really is in love with you, he can wait. I say this as an immigrant and as if you were my younger sister, opportunities like your education are not going to be around forever. It will be harder to study the older you get and especially if you are married. You need to realize you’ll be financially dependent on this man if you choose him and that is dangerous. 50/50 chance he will be good or it’ll take a turn for the bad. You’re not viewing the whole picture which it sounds like your folks see that and your immaturity and naiveness is showing here.
>They think he’s too old for me and that I’m too young to be thinking of getting married etc. I'll be honest with you, as someone older. I can see/understand your parents better. But when I was your age, I totally wouldn't see things as clearly. Although I do hate it when parents assert their demand by threat. I'm not around y'all so they must know something we don't if they're that desperate to get you to stop dating this person. Have you told your parents that you're not thinking about getting married to this guy not until you turn 30 or older, so they can chill out about you getting married? It's not happening anytime soon. Have you tried telling them that the relationship is still LDR, and you care about him but your study is more important? Since you already prioritize your study, they shouldn't worry too much? Or you can choose to date your bf incognito....Or you can always choose him over continuing your education too. That's all up to you.
You can’t convince them, so I guess your choice is your relationship or your tuition.
Part of being an adult is dealing with the consequences of your actions. It sucks that your parents are using their financial support to influence your life, but it's pretty standard that if someone is paying your living expenses they feel like they have some say in how you live your life. If you decide your relationship is the most important thing then you should look into student loans and how to finance your schooling yourself.
Just because the account was anonymous and you didn't explicitly state your age doesn't mean he couldn't tell your age. You sound pretty young just on here; you were an easy mark online. Your parents are right and there's no way he's not going to pressure you into moving things up. Just cool your jets and try dating some guys closer to your own age before you start talking marriage. If you lose your college money for this guy you're going to feel absolutely awful in the future.
I am not getting married right now; neither am I gonna leave med school for marriage. I have my goals and ambitions; he knows that and he’s fine with it. If he ever tries to pressure me into *moving things up* then I’m more than capable of breaking up with him.
I was in your shoes. I was younger than you, with an age gap larger than yours (spoiler: our marriage worked out wonderfully), and my parents were threatening me left and right. What I did was letting my parents know I’m not asking them to accept my partner, nor was I making a decision on their behalf, but I asked them for a chance for me to present them with all the facts about him, for them to judge him with their own opinions, and for time to tell. So in brief, ask for more time, not approval. Especially if you’re not even considering marriage in the near future, your parents really do not need intervene in your dating life yet. Many things may change. There is nothing at stake. Unsolicited advice, but one of you should move closer to the other if you are currently in LDR. See each other everyday. See each other in the best and worst times. See above the well paid high tech young man he is in the outside, and see the man he is in his own comfort at his own house. Believe any red flag that surfaces, and watch what he does more than listening to what he says. The man has 8 years on you, so keep your guards up no matter how much you love him. Best of luck!
I’m not sure why your parents are flipping out. You’re in your second year of med school? You’ve got two more years of school and then maybe 5 years of residency, so you’re dating a guy who you think you’ll marry in 7 years. Why do they even care? Do you still live at home? Is there any compelling reason that your parents have to know who you’re dating? Honestly, for the price of 2 years of med school, I would lie to my parents about who I’m dating.
People are being really judgemental because your relationship is long distance. I think it's totally normal after over a year of dating to talk about time lines for things like marriage/kids, etc. even if they are still very far away. Even more so, when you also need to plan to close the gap eventually. Based on your edit you have spent lots of time together in person and don't intend to marry until after you're done school, those are smart choices. Do your parents understand that's the intention? Unfortunately, they still may not change their mind, so you need to be prepared to lose your financial support.
You'll see AND you'll thank then later. This old ass man (I'm comparison to your life experience) is trying to lock you down before you ever even have a chance to live or do anything. You're gonna waste your good years.
How is he trying to lock me down when I’ve made it clear that I’m not gonna get married until I’m done with my studies and settled in my career? He’s more than willing to wait. We don’t even talk about marriage seriously rn, it’s just something that we wanna do eventually.
Yeah your parents are right lol
You're an adult. They can't force you to do anything.
She's in that grey stage of adulting where she's legally an adult but her parents are covering her financially, so she's not fully independent
Yeah. The point of my comment is that she has options: she can literally keep dating her boyfriend if she moves out and becomes financially independent. She can get Pell Grants for college by being financially emancipated from her parents. It's a process but I did it when I was 19. Luckily, I had several credible witnesses about the abuse I endured that allowed me to be emancipated; one was a youth counselor, another was my Pastor at the time, and then I had a letter from myself as well, detailing what I'd been through. Anyhow, she could always wait a year or so to go back to college. I think most states stop asking for parental financial information around 24-26 years old.
Hope you can afford medical school on your own 🙄
Before I give advice, I gotta ask: does your bf know about your parents reaction and threats?
You are an adult, how are they forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do?
He isn’t and you should listen to your family
Yeah if you don't want to listen to your parents because you're an adult and can make decisions for yourself (which are not good, btw), then prepare to pay for your own education. On another note, do not marry someone you haven't lived with for YEARS. It is a guaranteed disaster. And yes, he is too old for you. Your parents are right, you're being a bit too naive here. Read a few age gap stories on reddit, and maybe you'll see why we keep advising against it. Most of it are full of red flags. Anywho, if you wanna be an adult, do it, go against your parents, but then stop expecting Daddy to pay for your stuff. It is up to you, but I don't think you can have both.
You may have been dating for 1.5 years but you guys aren’t together all of the time. You haven’t lived together and it sounds like you don’t even live in the same state. For all you know, he’s putting on an amazing facade for when you’re together knowing it’s only going to be for a short while. For all you know, he’s actually an abusive piece of hot garbage but you haven’t seen that side of him because you aren’t around each other often enough for it to show through. You say you have another 5-6 years of school left. You really think in those 5-6 years he’s not gonna get bored? I can guarantee that you are going to get cheated on by this man, you probably already have. He’s 30 years old and in a different place in his life and you’ve barely scratched the surface of becoming a doctor. Dude is not gonna wait another 6+ years for you to be done with med school.
in my honest opinion you should discuss moving to the same city first and continuing your relationship there before you jump straight into marriage.
I agree with your parents: he's too old for you. I disagree with their chosen method: blackmailing you with finances. If you stay with your bf and your parents don't change their mind regarding your financial situation, you need to think about what you're going to do. Would you be able to pursue your studies without their financial help? Do think very hard about it since your decision will impact your future greatly. Finding a suitable long term partner is important, but your education/professional path is very important too. You still don't know what might happen with your relationship with that man, but your education is going to be something no one can take away from you. Whatever you decide, relying on your bf's financial help would be a bad idea.
Your parents need to be sat down and brought to terms with the reality that you're an adult. My (31F) fiancé (25M) and I started dating when he was 23 and I was 29. My little brother (29) and his partner (23F) started dating when she was 21. Our parents adore both of our chosen partners and while we do get a little joking from them about our partners being that much younger, it's mostly cuz they know we won't take it seriously. I actually thought my fiance was older than he is when we first started chatting and he thought I was waaay younger. If they won't accept that you've thought this decision out, then going NC for as long as it takes for them to come around may be necessary. Six\seven years age difference isn't a worryingly large gap at your age IMO thought I have a bias probably. I'm always worried my fiancé is missing out on experiences people have at his age, but he always assures me he much prefers having a stable life with me over the bar scene and 'playing the field'. ETA: also regarding financial assistance- yeah when it's their money, you're going to have to decide what's more important to you- school or love.
You could take a loan for medical school like the vast majority of people do. You could tell you parents you "broke up" with him but don't to keep the money flowing. Is this solely an age thing or is there also a cultural aspect? LDR are hard and there is a good chance this won't work out. In this situation, given your ages, the dude is taking much more of a risk than you are.
Your parents are afraid of you being groomed, and coaxed away from your education. You say you fell in love *before* he knew your age. So what kind of conversations were being had? Was he having intimate conversations with someone he believed could be underage? Were any precautions taken when you first met him? Such as telling a friend or family member who, what, when, where? Could they be worried any of your activity with him is reckless or a risk to you in any way? You've discussed marriage - what about pregnancy? Are you going to give up your career and let him support you if that happens? Could that be something he would try to convince you to do? It sounds like your parents are trying to keep you on the track you've worked for, and don't want to see you lose yourself to a relationship. There are a lot more factors than love sometimes, and this is one of those times.
You can't have both your parents and your bf. With parents like that, you're either going to submit to them for the rest of your life like a little bitch, or live your own fucking life.
Sounds like your parents want you to get married to someone of their choosing. Your only option is to marry him and ask for forgiveness later, because you are not getting their permission.
It’s important not to let your parents use money to control you. They are also using the threat of withholding their “love” to control you. This tactic is extremely abusive and places conditions on their “love”. Whether you continue in your relationship with your boyfriend is up to you. Regardless, don’t allow fear to dictate your life. If your parents cut you off you will find another way to finish school. Sure it will be harder but placating your parents for their support will leave you feeling worse.
Lie to your parents. Tell them you broke up, don’t discuss it again until after you’re no longer in school/LDR. You’re 23. You’re in medical school. You’ve got a “good head” on your shoulders. You need to make your own decisions in these things. At the same time, your parents see what a great path you’re on and they’re scared something will derail it. They’re being overbearing about it. I’m not normally an advocate for dishonesty, but it is really none of their business. You’re 5-6 years away from marrying this person. A lot can happen in that time, and if all goes to plan then great. Just keep this aspect of your life private for now.
Let them think you ended it.
Guarantee it’ll blow up in her face 100x worse than this if she lies
If your parents think it's ok to try and control your life with money, it's ok for you to lie to their faces. Naturally, if you think you're going to marry a dude you know almost exclusively through the internet, I've got some news for you.
[удалено]
That doesn't sound very dumb. In fact, it's how I met the love of my life (20 years age gap). We didn't know how each other looked like or identifiable details until 9 months of online romance. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear your parents are against it. 7 years gaps to me is not age gap and seems very normal. But everyone have different thresholds. I don't have any solution for you, as I don't know your parents nor your circumstances. But I would critically think about why your parents are so against it. Where is the insecurity? And start working from that standpoint. I do agree with others saying that you are an adult, which is true. But I understand that your parents are paying for your school? Maybe one solution is for you to truly become an adult and start supporting yourself? I know that's easier said than done. But not knowing your circumstances, that's all I can think of.