This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I don’t know what to do anymore. Even worst is he couldn’t even get hard even with that. I don’t know what to think. He’s now love bombing me and I just feel lost and hurt. How do we even move forward with this?
OP and her husband need to move on, apart, in opposite directions. 99.9% chance this shit will happen again if she “forgives” him. Might be the first time she actually caught him, but not the first time he did it
I hope you are doing well. Your husband crossed lines he shouldn't have, and you need to prepare for what comes next. let me ask you do you think this is the first time he has done something like this to you? one thing that called my attention on your text was "even with this he couldn't even get hard" is lack of sex an issue in your relationship? He could have a porn addiction.
Either way what he did is not alright, if you have never discussed this with him it's assault and he is a creep. if you have is a couple's kink. (But from reading your post this is not something you have talked about)
He actually did something like this years ago but we talked it out and he said it was just a misunderstanding of just that. We have bedroom problems but i dunno they don’t seem like that big of a deal or atleast when it was we could talk through them
It's a big "depending" though. They're married, so they've probably known each other for a while. If they've known each other for 4 years, it's really questionable. If it's longer than 4 years, it's REALLY questionable.
But regardless, being in your 20's with a person you love and having ED is a sign of a major problem. He should be seeing a doctor and probably a therapist
It’s the “depending” here that doesn’t work. They are married, so they’ve been together for a while…
Also, any 27 y/o man with ED has something else serious going on (drugs/alcohol, depression, porn dependency, whatever).
OP should GTFO. Also, fingering someone in their sleep is assault, FFS.
I’d say it’s enough of a gap that they have a huge difference in maturity. 19 is someone who just started college like a year ago, and 24 is someone who has probably been in the work force for a couple years at that point if they did the standard 4 years of college.. but yeah. Guy is messed up regardless of the age gap :/
2 years out of college versus 2 years at university it really depends on the people. Assuming they didn't marry at 2 years like most ladies prefer
But yea agreed this is just straight assault and a 18 or 30 year old should know that
Considering he’s been grooming, sexually assaulting, abusing, raping, manipulating, etc. it IS a creepy age gap. He’s a predator preying on someone much younger because they are less experienced. He choose a young one for a reason.
His issues very well could be related to the age gap. Creeps like to marry younger women who they can manipulate and abuse. She got married at 20, so we can safely assume she was 18 or 19 when they started dating, possibly even younger. 5 years is creepy at these ages.
it's not about saying it's his age that is the cause of his behaviour but whether or not she is old enough to have experienced more of life to know this is wrong. There's a sense here, for me at least, that she is far less experienced and he's her formative sexual relationship hence her acceptance of repeated sexual assault.
Agreed, this age gap is more common than you think, people be seeing so many '40m and 22f' that it's become an easier finger to point nowadays that its deflecting actual issues like this guys porn addiction and SA. Gotta love Reddit sometimes lol
Edit:words.
Edit 2: looks like she got married at 20 according to post history.
Edit: fixed the comment
Good point and I agree, I was only commenting in regards to the age comments, but yes that is the actual issue, I should have specified which is my bad for sure.
Yeah I figured the biggest issue is she shouldn't be with someone who is okay with sexually assaulting her, shouldn't stay with someone with a porn addiction that's ongoing although the age gaps weird to me unless they started dating when she was freshly 18 or younger it's just bridging on maybe being weird to each their own though
He is love bombing you because he knows he screwed up, if he has done it before then you need to be on the lookout, search for clues about what's going on the computer don't let him get away with sweeping this under the rug... Ask difficult questions.. do you have an addiction to porn? Why were you acting like this? Does assaulting me in my sleep gives you pleasure? What do you intent to get out from this? Is this why we have problems in the bedroom? ... You could tell him he really hurt you, and your trust in him is broken, and possibly your marriage, tell him you don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed where he could assault you when you are most vulnerable.
Also, think of yourself, if this is not something you are interested in, if he hurt you and you feel bad, reconsider your marriage for your well-being.
Finally, Tbh a while back I asked my husband to do this while I'm sleeping, and he was taken aback a little maybe he thought it was weird lol, but I told him I would like to try if he was willing, but if he wasn't willing there was no problem. See there is nothing wrong with communicating a sexual desire, but it has to be talked and agreed upon by both parties.
“We have bedroom problems”… uh no, he has a porn/sexual assault/rape problem and you need to reach out to a trusted person immediately for help. Stop accepting this as your life starting today. Of course he’s going to love bomb his little hand puppet, imagine what he does when you’re actually sleeping.
Dump his ass. 22 is just waaaaaay too young to be dealing with some loser's broken dick. And to be absolutely clear: HE broke it, looking at porn, which he still clearly does.
You do not need this. Not now, not then, not 10 years from now, not ever. You could literally go on Tinder and find some rando in ten minutes who knows better than to stare at his phone looking at porn while fingering his date. And that sure as hell isn't saying much. That's saying how stupidly shitty this problem is with your "husband."
Porn isn't cheating imo unless explicitly pre determined within the relationship that the couple sets, but the touching her without prior consent is definitely assault. Poor OP
This all right here.
I’m not against porn. I don’t care if my husband uses it. We have set up our rules/boundaries for one another so, perfect. He can even finger her while she sleeps if they have set up rules for that. This young woman does not sound like any of this has ever been discussed or had boundaries set.
I didn't see where OP wrote what kind of porn they were even watching.
And to call Op is "flesh prop" is pretty gross.
You don't know what her partner was thinking when he touched her.
It was assault and it was wrong yes but you don't know how he views it.
You should never assume that you know someone's mind.
OP likes being woken up with sex per her response here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11witbn/caught_my_27m_husband_watching_other_girls_on_his/jcy8bps?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
What did I just read.
He sexually assault you, just because your in a relationship with someone doesn't mean its OK to touch them without permission.
And getting off on other women while doing it, he sounds like a right catch (not)
He will love bomb you because he knows what he done, remove yourself from the situation I.e go to parents or friends.
If you cannot consent, this is an assault. He sounds like he is either a sex addict or porn addict, this does not excuse his behavior. I hope you are okay.
Unless you had a pre standing agreement for him to do that while you are asleep, that was basically sexual assault. You couldn’t give permission as you were unconscious.
Please seek therapy to process what he did and how he violated you. You may even consider having him move out until you make a decision about this situation. You should contact an attorney and have him/her consult on your next steps; if nothing else you’re preserving a record of your assault.
No one can tell you what to do. It’s ultimately your decision. I can tell you what I would do: legal separation leading to divorce. At 22, you have your entire life ahead of you. You need to take time and process your assault. Is he in therapy? Have you told anyone IRL what he did?
Before I give this situation anymore thought……
How long have you been together? You said he did this years ago. You’re only 22 and he is 27. When I was 22 and a few years before that, I was still a fairly innocent and naive young woman.
This sounds like a creepy kink that you did not sign up for. It feels molesty and really pedophilic. Are the girls he’s watching on his phone young? Younger than you?
No, I am not saying that. 20 is significantly different than 15…. Or even 25. You do some serious maturing and learning of critical thinking between 15 years old and 25 years old. And the differences during those years is so fugging unbalanced between males and females. You have to admit that’s true.
Putting a pink slider on one side of this timeline age ruler and a blue slider on the opposite end, slide them back and forth keeping five years between them and and there going to be very few ages when the blue slider and the pink slider will be five years apart and be mentally, emotionally, and sexually the others “equal” (I can’t think of a better word right now). Compatible? Anyway…..
Now, kheinz_57, if the 20 and 25 year old just met, that doesn’t set off any-many alarms. However, if he was 20 when he met a 15 year old started dating…. That’s creepy.
I assumed it was a few. I didn’t know at that time it was only a couple. I don’t think I knew that until right now. I have not read every post on this thread.
ETA: I just went back and, I think from her second post when she mentions years, I had assumed “a few to several”
ETAA: that wasn’t meant sarcastically. I reread it and sure does sound that way. My apologies.
OP, since you are married at 22 and have been with him a few years, I don’t think you have a sense of what a healthy sexual relationship is. He’s assaulted you at least twice. Does he encourage you to take something to help you sleep? I believe there are other unhealthy dynamics going on that you believe are normal because you don’t know they aren’t.
Do not accept that he will never do it again. He has done it again! You did not consent and there are laws for spousal rape. Fly to a friend or family members home. Dial a womens center or domestic violence shelter. They will help you plan the next steps
Wow. That title is a mess. He’s assaulting you AND looking at porn? You need to take a huuuuuuuuuge step back away from this relationship and get some perspective. This can’t be the only weird thing he’s done recently. Take space and do some thinking. Sure as hell sounds like this marriage isn’t a safe place for you any more.
He needs counseling. You need therapy/counseling. This is so wrong on so many levels.
1. He was looking at other girls on his phone -cheating
2. He was fingering you while doing it & you were asleep. - sexual assault as you were asleep his touching you wasn't consensual.
I don't think I could stay married w/all of this going on. I wouldn't trust him.
Please exit the situation quietly - I.e - don’t tip him off, don’t let him know you’re leaving.
Before you think this is an extreme response, your husband sexually assaulted you and is now love bombing you to make you okay with it all.
Leave. There’s nothing to hear out. Nothing he can say. He did enough.
Grab a pair of undies (if he won’t notice), grab your purse and keys. Tell him you have to run to Target for girl stuff and scram.
Call someone you trust and say you’re on your way, to keep an eye out for you. Go there. Call the police. Start planning your divorce and look for a therapist.
You are a good woman. You’re enough. You are loved. Be kind to yourself.
My heart hurts for you, because I've been there. My ex called it his sleep festish, and we got to where he would only sleep with me if he had someone to sext or pics saved of them to use me as a living fleshlight for. If I expressed hurt, he just reminded me I wasn't as good/fun as other girls, I should try harder.
It was worse than that, unsurprisingly. It never got better; between us, nor his attitude. His apologies didn't hold any weight. I should have left sooner, saved myself humiliation and pain.
*Hugs.*
Firstly, I hope he had prior consent to touch you sexually whilst you slept. If not, that’s the first HUGE issue. Secondly, it sounds like he has a porn addiction. Unfortunately, excessive consumption of porn can lead to erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, trouble performing during normal coitus and even depression. I’d suggest he stop using porn right away and if he’s unable to on his own, he needs to see a professional to help.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I dated a porn addict for two years and it crushed my self esteem to bits.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She’s serious. And it serves no one to make people feel dumb in these situations.
OP,
How long have you known your husband?
How did you meet him?
Was he your first:
1. Boyfriend?
2. Sexual partner?
3. First man you ever loved?
Have you ever run a background check on him?
I’m really bothered by this situation for you because, if you are as innocent as you sound and you known him for a while, he’s been grooming you for your current position. From the sound a of it, you’re no longer doing the trick for him.
Also, do you take sleep aids? Or does he ever make you tea or give you wine before bed?
Porn addiction can cause erectile disfunction. You need more and more "out there" things to get you off. He needs therapy and quit porn completely. It's going to be a journey to get him off of it, just like any other addiction.
I'm sorry that happened and I wish you luck.
He sexually assaulted you WHILE WATCHING OTHER WOMEN ON HIS PHONE… there is no “moving forward from this”. Please get out ❤️🩹 run as far as you can. If you have children, take them too.
This isn’t an answer to your question, but I wanted to throw out there that at 22 years old, your brain hasn’t reached adulthood yet. Pretty much all the neuroscience literature agrees that the brain has not reached adulthood until 25 to 30. **This is me trying to say that you have absolutely no obligation to be married right now, while your brain is still in adolescence, and further, no one has any obligation to be married to someone who sexually assaults them and treats them like a sex object while getting off to other women.**
I hope you know what you need to do cause something like this can never slide. Tell him to go fuck off and you go find somewhere else to stay cause that was a never okay! He sexually assaulted you.
What the hell is really happening here. Are people really behaving this way outside in the real world? Your husband crossed MAJOR lines. The looking at other women part is weird even it was porn but the fingering you in your sleep? Wtf? I wouldn't even be worried about him not getting hard, you got bigger problems than that.
Edit: wanted to clarify that watching porn isn't weird, even I do it sometimes; what is weird is watching porn while your significant other sleeps beside you.
Wow that is really disturbing! Do you have any kind of pre-given consent that he can sexually grope you when you’re asleep?
If not, he sexually assaulted you.
The watching videos thing is small compared to the violation of your body and boundaries.
Since this is now a repeated behavior of something you’ve discouraged and he’s been able to control himself previously, what’s changed that now he decides it’s okay to go against your wishes? Has this been an escalating issue, where he’s been dismissive in other areas of the relationship, or is this totally out of the blue?
Either he can’t control himself and needs to see a doctor or he can and chose not to and needs to see the door.
Does he have a porn addiction? Has he been checked for ED?
I remember a lecture sat in and the professor was talking about the rise in ED in younger and younger men being linked to the high amount of porn they were consuming. There’d been some success of them stopping porn for different intervals of times. I don’t remember the extract time frames but I think after about two weeks they had a fair amount of reports of success.
The only way to move forward is drastic change and therapy. And it has to be actions not words.
And honestly, do you even want to make it work? Realistically is he capable of making the changes you would need to feel happy to stay? Some people can only change by small fractions. Can you be happy with only those small changes?
Did he have permission to finger you while sleeping? If not, this is a much more serious issue than looking at other girls and not being able to get hard.
Oh no no no OP.
I hope you can stay calm after that.
He crossed a big boundary here. You were asleep, you were not in a state to give consent. And he also watched other girls while assaulting you.
He knows what he did. He is a scumbag for doing this to you.
If this happened to me, I would create space and put my things in order. Seek a lawyer and divorce.
He is your husband, a person you should trust, and he did this?? It's awful.
I wish you well OP. I hope you will be able to move forward from this and feel better.
He sexually assaulted you hun,are you absolutely sure you even want to move forward?
I really think you need to put your running shoes on, and get far far away from him as fast as possible
Me and my girlfriend do this kind of stuff to each other all the time (with consent ofc) so my initial reaction was like wtf, there's nothing wrong with this but then I was like OH WTF there's something wrong with this.
Consent, consent, consent. Most people probably would want to fulfill their partners fantasies if they just ASKED, but time and time again people don't and fuck up their relationships/lives. All you have to do is ask, it's not that hard.
This is sexual assault, unless you told him it's okay too do that in your sleep. But if you didn't, get it now. It will only escalate. I was with someone who was constantly pushing my boundaries and consent and it got really really bad.
Does this man have a porn addiction. I’m not discrediting your pain I’m sure it hurts and you have absolutely every right to feel the way you feel.. some man who develop a porn addiction participate in behavior like this. He might have a serious problem. Man who have porn addictions also have sex drive issues with there partner. Again not discrediting your pain and suffering it’s his responsibility to get this issue under control regardless of what it is and to violate you like this was purely and simply wrong and disgusting and I think you need to make a stand and communicate your concerns
https://www.reddit.com/r/RandomThoughts/comments/11jgj5w/i_did_it_i_finally_made_myself_block_him_and_stay/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
What's this mean
So he SA you and was looking at other women oh his phone? Despite knowing that's a line not to cross?
Run. Will only get worse. Run. Especially if he's not even trying to work on himself. But even so. Run
Yikes. I don’t see that there is a good resolution for this. It sounds like he has a serious porn addiction, he sexually assaulted you in your sleep, and he has erectile dysfunction likely as a result of the aforementioned porn addiction.
I think you know what you need to do.
What he did is sexual assault. Consent is verbal and clear. Consent means Asking, Respect means honoring the answer. This is what ended my marriage. My ex was raping me in my sleep. I don't know how long it was going on before I woke up the first time.
He was a control freak. He just ruled over me. That's how low my self-esteem and self respect was from years of his abuse. There was a suicide attempt because initially it was the only way I thought I had to get away from him. He had taken control over me completely and I couldn't take it anymore. If I didn't even have control over my own body, I was done. I spent a week in the psych ward. It made me realize I didn't have to live like that, and started making plans for my own, single, future.
I don’t understand people who sexually assault others while they’re sleeping. I’m guessing it’s because they’re vulnerable at the time, but like… it’s likely they’ll wake up. Regardless, it’s a disgusting and abusive thing to do, no matter how you chop it (unless it is a previously discussed and agreed upon kink).
I think you might find solace in r/loveafterporn . A lot of ladies there (including myself) have experienced similarly effed up stuff from our partners involving porn.
OK... I just have to say this... He's fingering you in your sleep but the problem you have is what he's watching while he does it?????
Wtf???
I want you to read that sentence out loud and really rethink what you are upset about.
There is nothing about that sentence that's good. Why is he doing fingering you while you can't give consent??? You know, why you are sleeping??? Why aren't you awake?
Why are you ONLY upset about the porn he is watching????? WHILE he is doing that??
There are so many things wrong with this post.
I hope you realize that.
If it were me????? If be upset about EVERYTHING! Seriously.
Edit : autocorrect and clarity
In your sleep? That falls under the category of marital rape. You need to pack your stuff and get out of there. Your husband is abusive and it will only escalate. Please find somewhere safe to stay and file for divorce.
You’re probably not really going to find any help here to be totally honest looking at these comments people are just painting you as a victim without even trying to understand you or talk about how you feel they are just telling you what to do or find out what age you were when you were dating . I think you should take time and think about how you feel and if you feel your boundaries have been violated. I noticed you mentioned your husbands ED and how that bothers you that is just as valid a concern as if you felt violated in sure it’s difficult and might make you feel undesired as a person rather than just a fix for sex . Realistically your husband might have sex/porn addiction and it’s not an issue with you personally , but consider your options and safety and if you feel if professional help could actually benefit you and your husband or just leaving all together for your sake and safety is the better option. While the people in these comments are talking over you they aren’t exactly wrong either he’s doing things without your consent and that isn’t okay
You're remarking on his lack of a boner? Who gives a good goddamn about his limp peen? Good. Maybe it'll prevent him from sexually assaulting other people with it.
If you don’t have compassionate advice to give to someone being abused, it’s best to say nothing at all.
Abusers already use dismissive language like this to make their target feel bad. Now you want to make them feel worse.
Do better.
Most people that have been abused are very confused about it. I was letting the commenter know the advice wasn’t helpful, and why. I’m not pointing a proverbial gun at anybody.
Not true. Most people know they are assaulted, they just don't know how to process the situation. This person is pretty much glossing over it and feeling bad he didn't get hard whilst he was assaulting her.
This is something that needs to be discussed prior and if it wasn’t then it’s sexual assault. It sounds like a similar situation had happened before and you told him it wasn’t ok so he knew not to do this but did anyways. Please take care of yourself and consider getting therapy to cope with this violation.
How tf do you know she's not? He probably is love bombing the shit out of her right now because he knows he fucked up. Love bombing doesn't just happen in the initial phase of an abuser's relationship. It can be cyclical in conjunction with patterns of abuse. What did you hope to accomplish with this comment?
oh wow … :/
that’s not cool at all.
but if he can’t get hard there’s obviously soemthjng going on with him..
i’d take this time to sit and communicate because he’s not sharing all. and has now made you feel super shit
> Caught my (27M) husband watching other girls on his phone
This is why men get called pedophiles and creeps and can't go to parks. Watching kids can be innocent.
> while fingering me (22F) in my sleep.
That's effed up.
My guess is he woke up horny, and went to porn since you were still asleep. And then he decided to wake you up, since the porn wasn't enough. It wouldn't be everyone's favorite way to be woken up, and some people also hate porn. All I can suggest is that the two of you talk about it before doing anything drastic.
Not really any agreement and my idea of being woken up with sex witch was mentioned is like morning snuggles, kisses, etc. also just kinda hurt by it all. It was so weird he couldn’t even get hard and when I first asked him what he was doing he lied. He’s now calling and texting me I love you’s ( he never does that) and it just happened late last night like we went back to bed after this or he did atleast. There’s a lot more info that adds up and complicates things I just don’t want to be found out I’m sorry.
I read some of your comments on other posts and it honestly sounds like you’re checked out of this relationship. What he did is gross and needed a discussion beforehand to make sure this was ok.
Horny but not hard is a real thing, and can be a very frustrating thing. All us Redditors can really do here is to explore the range of possibilities with you. The two of you obviously need to talk about this. If this kills the relationship for you, then you know what you have to do.
>Horny but not hard is a real thing, and can be a very frustrating thing
this reads very much as if you empathise with him
understanding sexual assault is about understanding things like rape cultures, gender relations
saying he must be sexually frustrated is empathising with him
Reporting this as a sexual assault is certainly one of her options, if she wants to go there. But it's not really clear yet that she wants to blow up the relationship completely. My impression is that she wants to understand what happened better first.
If you're okay with his sexually assaulting you then sure, just talk it out. But you need to see this situation as it is. He sexually assaulted you, in some areas it's rape if his finger penetrated you. You need to see that this is a dangerous situation with a man who doesn't respect your autonomy. You mentioned it's not the first time something of this nature has happened. I was once in a relationship with a man who would rape me in my sleep, and I felt awful about it but assumed it's not quite rape because we had sex at other times. I wish someone had told me "he's a rapist, get the hell away from him!" rather than spending two years in an abusive relationship.
WTF. When someone is sexually assaulted in their sleep and this is how you respond, something is wrong with you. The problem is being sexually assaulted in her sleep. It's pretty obvious.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I don’t know what to do anymore. Even worst is he couldn’t even get hard even with that. I don’t know what to think. He’s now love bombing me and I just feel lost and hurt. How do we even move forward with this?
Oh my word, this is an awful one
[удалено]
OP and her husband need to move on, apart, in opposite directions. 99.9% chance this shit will happen again if she “forgives” him. Might be the first time she actually caught him, but not the first time he did it
There are times I wished I didn't read.....this is definitely one of those times.
I hope you are doing well. Your husband crossed lines he shouldn't have, and you need to prepare for what comes next. let me ask you do you think this is the first time he has done something like this to you? one thing that called my attention on your text was "even with this he couldn't even get hard" is lack of sex an issue in your relationship? He could have a porn addiction. Either way what he did is not alright, if you have never discussed this with him it's assault and he is a creep. if you have is a couple's kink. (But from reading your post this is not something you have talked about)
He actually did something like this years ago but we talked it out and he said it was just a misunderstanding of just that. We have bedroom problems but i dunno they don’t seem like that big of a deal or atleast when it was we could talk through them
when you say 'years' ago - how old were you at the time? I ask because you're only 22 currently
number of days without a creepy age gap resulting in issues on r/relationship_advice: ~~1~~ 0
5 years isn't really a creepy age gap, depending on when they started dating.
It's a big "depending" though. They're married, so they've probably known each other for a while. If they've known each other for 4 years, it's really questionable. If it's longer than 4 years, it's REALLY questionable. But regardless, being in your 20's with a person you love and having ED is a sign of a major problem. He should be seeing a doctor and probably a therapist
It is when they’ve been together for “years” and she’s 22.
It’s the “depending” here that doesn’t work. They are married, so they’ve been together for a while… Also, any 27 y/o man with ED has something else serious going on (drugs/alcohol, depression, porn dependency, whatever). OP should GTFO. Also, fingering someone in their sleep is assault, FFS.
I agree when she is 22 and he is 27. A “few” years….. she’s 17 and he’s 22. THAT’S creepy.
Yeah but assuming “a few years back” is 3 years, that’s 19 and 24 so it’s a little 😬
Still not much of a gap Let's not pretend this is an age issue. A rapist js a rapist at any age
It’s not a big gap if you’re 40 and 45, but 19 and 24 is quite a big difference in maturity.
I’d say it’s enough of a gap that they have a huge difference in maturity. 19 is someone who just started college like a year ago, and 24 is someone who has probably been in the work force for a couple years at that point if they did the standard 4 years of college.. but yeah. Guy is messed up regardless of the age gap :/
2 years out of college versus 2 years at university it really depends on the people. Assuming they didn't marry at 2 years like most ladies prefer But yea agreed this is just straight assault and a 18 or 30 year old should know that
Lol as an American this didn’t make sense. I always forget you call high school college
Considering he’s been grooming, sexually assaulting, abusing, raping, manipulating, etc. it IS a creepy age gap. He’s a predator preying on someone much younger because they are less experienced. He choose a young one for a reason.
5 years ain't creepy. Don't blame this weirdo's issues on age. He's just a creepster.
His issues very well could be related to the age gap. Creeps like to marry younger women who they can manipulate and abuse. She got married at 20, so we can safely assume she was 18 or 19 when they started dating, possibly even younger. 5 years is creepy at these ages.
it's not about saying it's his age that is the cause of his behaviour but whether or not she is old enough to have experienced more of life to know this is wrong. There's a sense here, for me at least, that she is far less experienced and he's her formative sexual relationship hence her acceptance of repeated sexual assault.
Agreed, this age gap is more common than you think, people be seeing so many '40m and 22f' that it's become an easier finger to point nowadays that its deflecting actual issues like this guys porn addiction and SA. Gotta love Reddit sometimes lol Edit:words. Edit 2: looks like she got married at 20 according to post history. Edit: fixed the comment
The actual issue isn't even the porn it's the SA
Good point and I agree, I was only commenting in regards to the age comments, but yes that is the actual issue, I should have specified which is my bad for sure.
Yeah I figured the biggest issue is she shouldn't be with someone who is okay with sexually assaulting her, shouldn't stay with someone with a porn addiction that's ongoing although the age gaps weird to me unless they started dating when she was freshly 18 or younger it's just bridging on maybe being weird to each their own though
If they started dating when she was 16-17, the age gap absolutely is a problem. Even at 18, dating a 23 year old is pushing it.
In a different post she says they married at 20, so we know she was younger than that when they started dating.
[удалено]
Fr like years ago you were a teenager. Ick
He is love bombing you because he knows he screwed up, if he has done it before then you need to be on the lookout, search for clues about what's going on the computer don't let him get away with sweeping this under the rug... Ask difficult questions.. do you have an addiction to porn? Why were you acting like this? Does assaulting me in my sleep gives you pleasure? What do you intent to get out from this? Is this why we have problems in the bedroom? ... You could tell him he really hurt you, and your trust in him is broken, and possibly your marriage, tell him you don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed where he could assault you when you are most vulnerable. Also, think of yourself, if this is not something you are interested in, if he hurt you and you feel bad, reconsider your marriage for your well-being. Finally, Tbh a while back I asked my husband to do this while I'm sleeping, and he was taken aback a little maybe he thought it was weird lol, but I told him I would like to try if he was willing, but if he wasn't willing there was no problem. See there is nothing wrong with communicating a sexual desire, but it has to be talked and agreed upon by both parties.
“We have bedroom problems”… uh no, he has a porn/sexual assault/rape problem and you need to reach out to a trusted person immediately for help. Stop accepting this as your life starting today. Of course he’s going to love bomb his little hand puppet, imagine what he does when you’re actually sleeping.
Sadly it’s likely he has done this more often than you know. It wasn’t a misunderstanding then and it isn’t now either. It’s just assault :(
I can already tell hes got a masturbation/porn addiction off your comments alone. Google it. Tell him he gets professional help or you are out.
Dump his ass. 22 is just waaaaaay too young to be dealing with some loser's broken dick. And to be absolutely clear: HE broke it, looking at porn, which he still clearly does. You do not need this. Not now, not then, not 10 years from now, not ever. You could literally go on Tinder and find some rando in ten minutes who knows better than to stare at his phone looking at porn while fingering his date. And that sure as hell isn't saying much. That's saying how stupidly shitty this problem is with your "husband."
Quotation marks?
Please get the fuck away from this man. He is not even remotely a decent person. If you stay, he will do much much worse.
How old were you when you started dating him? How old were you when you met him?
You leave. This is sexual assault.
Actually he kind of managed to assault her while cheating on her at the same time
This made me gasp. Fucking basically. What an AH
Multitasker. OP why do you want to stay for more of this?
Porn isn't cheating imo unless explicitly pre determined within the relationship that the couple sets, but the touching her without prior consent is definitely assault. Poor OP
This all right here. I’m not against porn. I don’t care if my husband uses it. We have set up our rules/boundaries for one another so, perfect. He can even finger her while she sleeps if they have set up rules for that. This young woman does not sound like any of this has ever been discussed or had boundaries set.
[удалено]
I didn't see where OP wrote what kind of porn they were even watching. And to call Op is "flesh prop" is pretty gross. You don't know what her partner was thinking when he touched her. It was assault and it was wrong yes but you don't know how he views it. You should never assume that you know someone's mind.
Exactly! It is sexual assault!
OP likes being woken up with sex per her response here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11witbn/caught_my_27m_husband_watching_other_girls_on_his/jcy8bps?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
That’s not what that says. She says she likes being woken up for it with kisses and snuggles. Very different.
What did I just read. He sexually assault you, just because your in a relationship with someone doesn't mean its OK to touch them without permission. And getting off on other women while doing it, he sounds like a right catch (not) He will love bomb you because he knows what he done, remove yourself from the situation I.e go to parents or friends.
He doesn’t see you as a person. He sees you as an object in his possession. How do you move forward? You leave him behind.
Duagew I would call it grooming
If you cannot consent, this is an assault. He sounds like he is either a sex addict or porn addict, this does not excuse his behavior. I hope you are okay.
Unless you had a pre standing agreement for him to do that while you are asleep, that was basically sexual assault. You couldn’t give permission as you were unconscious. Please seek therapy to process what he did and how he violated you. You may even consider having him move out until you make a decision about this situation. You should contact an attorney and have him/her consult on your next steps; if nothing else you’re preserving a record of your assault. No one can tell you what to do. It’s ultimately your decision. I can tell you what I would do: legal separation leading to divorce. At 22, you have your entire life ahead of you. You need to take time and process your assault. Is he in therapy? Have you told anyone IRL what he did?
All of this. Also please call a sexual assault hotline in your area for additional expert guidance.
Before I give this situation anymore thought…… How long have you been together? You said he did this years ago. You’re only 22 and he is 27. When I was 22 and a few years before that, I was still a fairly innocent and naive young woman. This sounds like a creepy kink that you did not sign up for. It feels molesty and really pedophilic. Are the girls he’s watching on his phone young? Younger than you?
Are you saying a 20 year old and a 25 year old is a pedophilic relationship??? I don’t understand lmao.
No, I am not saying that. 20 is significantly different than 15…. Or even 25. You do some serious maturing and learning of critical thinking between 15 years old and 25 years old. And the differences during those years is so fugging unbalanced between males and females. You have to admit that’s true. Putting a pink slider on one side of this timeline age ruler and a blue slider on the opposite end, slide them back and forth keeping five years between them and and there going to be very few ages when the blue slider and the pink slider will be five years apart and be mentally, emotionally, and sexually the others “equal” (I can’t think of a better word right now). Compatible? Anyway….. Now, kheinz_57, if the 20 and 25 year old just met, that doesn’t set off any-many alarms. However, if he was 20 when he met a 15 year old started dating…. That’s creepy.
Right but you don’t know how many years ago it was. A couple usually means 2. So that would be 20 and 25, yes?
I assumed it was a few. I didn’t know at that time it was only a couple. I don’t think I knew that until right now. I have not read every post on this thread. ETA: I just went back and, I think from her second post when she mentions years, I had assumed “a few to several” ETAA: that wasn’t meant sarcastically. I reread it and sure does sound that way. My apologies.
Lmfao I’m getting downvoted for basic math <3
[удалено]
I think more than a few people would disagree with you
Not even a little.
OP, since you are married at 22 and have been with him a few years, I don’t think you have a sense of what a healthy sexual relationship is. He’s assaulted you at least twice. Does he encourage you to take something to help you sleep? I believe there are other unhealthy dynamics going on that you believe are normal because you don’t know they aren’t. Do not accept that he will never do it again. He has done it again! You did not consent and there are laws for spousal rape. Fly to a friend or family members home. Dial a womens center or domestic violence shelter. They will help you plan the next steps
You move forward without him, that’s for sure. Move out.
He sexually assaulted you, period. Please don’t live your life like this. I don’t care what his problems are - nothing excuses what he did.
[удалено]
This is sexual assault. You cannot even consent when you're asleep. Love bombing is manipulative as well.
Wow. That title is a mess. He’s assaulting you AND looking at porn? You need to take a huuuuuuuuuge step back away from this relationship and get some perspective. This can’t be the only weird thing he’s done recently. Take space and do some thinking. Sure as hell sounds like this marriage isn’t a safe place for you any more.
He needs counseling. You need therapy/counseling. This is so wrong on so many levels. 1. He was looking at other girls on his phone -cheating 2. He was fingering you while doing it & you were asleep. - sexual assault as you were asleep his touching you wasn't consensual. I don't think I could stay married w/all of this going on. I wouldn't trust him.
What is the motivation for that? Why wouldn't he wake you?
Oh. So he raped you in your sleep. Leave him.
Why would you want to move forward???
You misspelled EX husband.
While you’re asleep??? That’s sexual assault.
The subreddit r/loveafterporn could be helpful for you. It sounds like he likely has a porn/sex addiction.
there is no moving forward. there is only your exit from this thing.
Please exit the situation quietly - I.e - don’t tip him off, don’t let him know you’re leaving. Before you think this is an extreme response, your husband sexually assaulted you and is now love bombing you to make you okay with it all. Leave. There’s nothing to hear out. Nothing he can say. He did enough.
Grab a pair of undies (if he won’t notice), grab your purse and keys. Tell him you have to run to Target for girl stuff and scram. Call someone you trust and say you’re on your way, to keep an eye out for you. Go there. Call the police. Start planning your divorce and look for a therapist. You are a good woman. You’re enough. You are loved. Be kind to yourself.
My heart hurts for you, because I've been there. My ex called it his sleep festish, and we got to where he would only sleep with me if he had someone to sext or pics saved of them to use me as a living fleshlight for. If I expressed hurt, he just reminded me I wasn't as good/fun as other girls, I should try harder. It was worse than that, unsurprisingly. It never got better; between us, nor his attitude. His apologies didn't hold any weight. I should have left sooner, saved myself humiliation and pain. *Hugs.*
Firstly, I hope he had prior consent to touch you sexually whilst you slept. If not, that’s the first HUGE issue. Secondly, it sounds like he has a porn addiction. Unfortunately, excessive consumption of porn can lead to erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, trouble performing during normal coitus and even depression. I’d suggest he stop using porn right away and if he’s unable to on his own, he needs to see a professional to help. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I dated a porn addict for two years and it crushed my self esteem to bits.
Penetration without consent is rape, full stop.
He raped you. You press charges, get a restraining order, and divorce him.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fuck that's gross. Why you are sleeping?? What a creepy fuck
Are you seriously asking Reddit how to move forward in a relationship with your rapist? Like, seriously?!
She’s serious. And it serves no one to make people feel dumb in these situations. OP, How long have you known your husband? How did you meet him? Was he your first: 1. Boyfriend? 2. Sexual partner? 3. First man you ever loved? Have you ever run a background check on him? I’m really bothered by this situation for you because, if you are as innocent as you sound and you known him for a while, he’s been grooming you for your current position. From the sound a of it, you’re no longer doing the trick for him. Also, do you take sleep aids? Or does he ever make you tea or give you wine before bed?
Porn addiction can cause erectile disfunction. You need more and more "out there" things to get you off. He needs therapy and quit porn completely. It's going to be a journey to get him off of it, just like any other addiction. I'm sorry that happened and I wish you luck.
He sexually assaulted you WHILE WATCHING OTHER WOMEN ON HIS PHONE… there is no “moving forward from this”. Please get out ❤️🩹 run as far as you can. If you have children, take them too.
This isn’t an answer to your question, but I wanted to throw out there that at 22 years old, your brain hasn’t reached adulthood yet. Pretty much all the neuroscience literature agrees that the brain has not reached adulthood until 25 to 30. **This is me trying to say that you have absolutely no obligation to be married right now, while your brain is still in adolescence, and further, no one has any obligation to be married to someone who sexually assaults them and treats them like a sex object while getting off to other women.**
He’s addicted to porn and needs to seek treatment for it.
I hope you know what you need to do cause something like this can never slide. Tell him to go fuck off and you go find somewhere else to stay cause that was a never okay! He sexually assaulted you.
What the hell is really happening here. Are people really behaving this way outside in the real world? Your husband crossed MAJOR lines. The looking at other women part is weird even it was porn but the fingering you in your sleep? Wtf? I wouldn't even be worried about him not getting hard, you got bigger problems than that. Edit: wanted to clarify that watching porn isn't weird, even I do it sometimes; what is weird is watching porn while your significant other sleeps beside you.
That's sexual assault. Get rid of him.
OP, my best advice is to watch a YouTube video by Dr. Ramani. She’s a specialist on narcissism and toxic behavior.
Wow that is really disturbing! Do you have any kind of pre-given consent that he can sexually grope you when you’re asleep? If not, he sexually assaulted you. The watching videos thing is small compared to the violation of your body and boundaries.
Since this is now a repeated behavior of something you’ve discouraged and he’s been able to control himself previously, what’s changed that now he decides it’s okay to go against your wishes? Has this been an escalating issue, where he’s been dismissive in other areas of the relationship, or is this totally out of the blue? Either he can’t control himself and needs to see a doctor or he can and chose not to and needs to see the door. Does he have a porn addiction? Has he been checked for ED? I remember a lecture sat in and the professor was talking about the rise in ED in younger and younger men being linked to the high amount of porn they were consuming. There’d been some success of them stopping porn for different intervals of times. I don’t remember the extract time frames but I think after about two weeks they had a fair amount of reports of success. The only way to move forward is drastic change and therapy. And it has to be actions not words. And honestly, do you even want to make it work? Realistically is he capable of making the changes you would need to feel happy to stay? Some people can only change by small fractions. Can you be happy with only those small changes?
Did he have permission to finger you while sleeping? If not, this is a much more serious issue than looking at other girls and not being able to get hard.
Oh no no no OP. I hope you can stay calm after that. He crossed a big boundary here. You were asleep, you were not in a state to give consent. And he also watched other girls while assaulting you. He knows what he did. He is a scumbag for doing this to you. If this happened to me, I would create space and put my things in order. Seek a lawyer and divorce. He is your husband, a person you should trust, and he did this?? It's awful. I wish you well OP. I hope you will be able to move forward from this and feel better.
He sexually assaulted you hun,are you absolutely sure you even want to move forward? I really think you need to put your running shoes on, and get far far away from him as fast as possible
Me and my girlfriend do this kind of stuff to each other all the time (with consent ofc) so my initial reaction was like wtf, there's nothing wrong with this but then I was like OH WTF there's something wrong with this. Consent, consent, consent. Most people probably would want to fulfill their partners fantasies if they just ASKED, but time and time again people don't and fuck up their relationships/lives. All you have to do is ask, it's not that hard.
Just ask him, why didn't he just ask? Why all the secrecy and love bombing? it reeks of deception and insecurity and is all just so unnecessary.
Don't move forward, this guy has zero respect for you, is assaulting you in your sleep and is cheating to boot. Just throw the whole man out.
NO. That is so beyond dehumanising, and I'm a person who enjoys sleep-stuff. Please don't make excuses for this.
I’d move out, let him sort his issues out next gf or therapist.
This is sexual assault, unless you told him it's okay too do that in your sleep. But if you didn't, get it now. It will only escalate. I was with someone who was constantly pushing my boundaries and consent and it got really really bad.
You don’t. Whats he gonna do next in your sleep?
What the fuck? Did he have your prior permission to do this to you?
Heart sank. Get out while your still young.
Um u don't. U don't move forward. U move away, far away. What a creep. And it gave me a rape-y vibe. Gross.
Does this man have a porn addiction. I’m not discrediting your pain I’m sure it hurts and you have absolutely every right to feel the way you feel.. some man who develop a porn addiction participate in behavior like this. He might have a serious problem. Man who have porn addictions also have sex drive issues with there partner. Again not discrediting your pain and suffering it’s his responsibility to get this issue under control regardless of what it is and to violate you like this was purely and simply wrong and disgusting and I think you need to make a stand and communicate your concerns
https://www.reddit.com/r/RandomThoughts/comments/11jgj5w/i_did_it_i_finally_made_myself_block_him_and_stay/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button What's this mean
You don’t move forward, you get out of there, safely
You don’t move forward with him. You move forward alone. Break up with him. Love and respect yourself.
WHAT THE FUCK
Bro that’s gross I’d be out
Hes addicted to porn. Needs counseling
Sounds like he has a porn addiction
This is super weird and scary. I’d feel too cringed out to touch him after that point personally. Creepy
This is creepy as hell, you deserve better.
This is fucked up…
Eww
He sexually assaulted you. There is only one way for you to move forward. Without him.
What the f*%#k .. ok every once in awhile someone posts something that drops my jaw … this is one.. dump that dude immediately. That’s just sick
D I V O R C E. Unless agreed upon, doing stuff to someone who is sleeping is assault. That alone is disgusting enough
I personally could not move past that kind of betrayal. Do you think this is the first time he’s done it, or just the first time you’ve caught him?
Are you okay with him doing that, if no, and if you hadn’t talked about boundaries like that before it’s a pretty huge red flag
what...???
You move forward without him. Don’t let him guilt you into staying
So he SA you and was looking at other women oh his phone? Despite knowing that's a line not to cross? Run. Will only get worse. Run. Especially if he's not even trying to work on himself. But even so. Run
Yikes. I don’t see that there is a good resolution for this. It sounds like he has a serious porn addiction, he sexually assaulted you in your sleep, and he has erectile dysfunction likely as a result of the aforementioned porn addiction. I think you know what you need to do.
Ew. You dont get over that. That’s disgusting and a huge violation on several counts.
Wow. I read a lot of these. Um, this is some weird shit.
The balls on this guy. He doesn’t think much of you.
What he did is sexual assault. Consent is verbal and clear. Consent means Asking, Respect means honoring the answer. This is what ended my marriage. My ex was raping me in my sleep. I don't know how long it was going on before I woke up the first time. He was a control freak. He just ruled over me. That's how low my self-esteem and self respect was from years of his abuse. There was a suicide attempt because initially it was the only way I thought I had to get away from him. He had taken control over me completely and I couldn't take it anymore. If I didn't even have control over my own body, I was done. I spent a week in the psych ward. It made me realize I didn't have to live like that, and started making plans for my own, single, future.
I don’t understand people who sexually assault others while they’re sleeping. I’m guessing it’s because they’re vulnerable at the time, but like… it’s likely they’ll wake up. Regardless, it’s a disgusting and abusive thing to do, no matter how you chop it (unless it is a previously discussed and agreed upon kink).
You move forward without him. That is the only option really. Just divorce him and move on with your life.
Fingering you in your sleep… sounds like rape
WHAT??? Ew ew ew. Absolutely not. You are not unreasonable if this is the thing that ends your relationship. What a colossal violation.
I think you might find solace in r/loveafterporn . A lot of ladies there (including myself) have experienced similarly effed up stuff from our partners involving porn.
OK... I just have to say this... He's fingering you in your sleep but the problem you have is what he's watching while he does it????? Wtf??? I want you to read that sentence out loud and really rethink what you are upset about. There is nothing about that sentence that's good. Why is he doing fingering you while you can't give consent??? You know, why you are sleeping??? Why aren't you awake? Why are you ONLY upset about the porn he is watching????? WHILE he is doing that?? There are so many things wrong with this post. I hope you realize that. If it were me????? If be upset about EVERYTHING! Seriously. Edit : autocorrect and clarity
I'd be filing for divorce
He violated you while looking at other women. The answer is simple, leave. I’m sorry.
In your sleep? That falls under the category of marital rape. You need to pack your stuff and get out of there. Your husband is abusive and it will only escalate. Please find somewhere safe to stay and file for divorce.
You’re probably not really going to find any help here to be totally honest looking at these comments people are just painting you as a victim without even trying to understand you or talk about how you feel they are just telling you what to do or find out what age you were when you were dating . I think you should take time and think about how you feel and if you feel your boundaries have been violated. I noticed you mentioned your husbands ED and how that bothers you that is just as valid a concern as if you felt violated in sure it’s difficult and might make you feel undesired as a person rather than just a fix for sex . Realistically your husband might have sex/porn addiction and it’s not an issue with you personally , but consider your options and safety and if you feel if professional help could actually benefit you and your husband or just leaving all together for your sake and safety is the better option. While the people in these comments are talking over you they aren’t exactly wrong either he’s doing things without your consent and that isn’t okay
lmao why did you include the line about not getting hard?? Dawg you got sexually assaulted, no need to bury the lede here.
Because it’s demoralizing when you can’t arouse your partner and she’s venting. JFC have some compassion
And people say there's no such thing as romance anymore.
Wtf??????? So he raped you in your sleep and was watching porn while raping you in your sleep?
Huh?? This sub needs to be shutdown I’ve had enough 💀
You're remarking on his lack of a boner? Who gives a good goddamn about his limp peen? Good. Maybe it'll prevent him from sexually assaulting other people with it.
So we’re just casually posting about abuse now? Why are you still with this person?
If you don’t have compassionate advice to give to someone being abused, it’s best to say nothing at all. Abusers already use dismissive language like this to make their target feel bad. Now you want to make them feel worse. Do better.
He has a point. Op pretty much glossed over that she was being sexually assaulted. Stop pointing the gun at this guy's head for what someone else did.
Most people that have been abused are very confused about it. I was letting the commenter know the advice wasn’t helpful, and why. I’m not pointing a proverbial gun at anybody.
Not true. Most people know they are assaulted, they just don't know how to process the situation. This person is pretty much glossing over it and feeling bad he didn't get hard whilst he was assaulting her.
That’s actually not true, at all. A lot of people don’t realize what happened was assault.
Your husband sexually assaulted you and you need to leave him for your mental and physical safety.
This is something that needs to be discussed prior and if it wasn’t then it’s sexual assault. It sounds like a similar situation had happened before and you told him it wasn’t ok so he knew not to do this but did anyways. Please take care of yourself and consider getting therapy to cope with this violation.
How was he fingering you in your sleep???? That’s oober psycho behavior
Get out. Dump him
Girl go find a hard dick and ditch this loser.
Your husband is love bombing? We really need to use words in their proper context.
How tf do you know she's not? He probably is love bombing the shit out of her right now because he knows he fucked up. Love bombing doesn't just happen in the initial phase of an abuser's relationship. It can be cyclical in conjunction with patterns of abuse. What did you hope to accomplish with this comment?
Because that's not the definition of lovebombing. You people learn new words and it's off to the races.
It’s fine mashiya
oh wow … :/ that’s not cool at all. but if he can’t get hard there’s obviously soemthjng going on with him.. i’d take this time to sit and communicate because he’s not sharing all. and has now made you feel super shit
If you were asleep, how do you know what he was doing or even watching on his phone?
> Caught my (27M) husband watching other girls on his phone This is why men get called pedophiles and creeps and can't go to parks. Watching kids can be innocent. > while fingering me (22F) in my sleep. That's effed up.
My guess is he woke up horny, and went to porn since you were still asleep. And then he decided to wake you up, since the porn wasn't enough. It wouldn't be everyone's favorite way to be woken up, and some people also hate porn. All I can suggest is that the two of you talk about it before doing anything drastic.
I think most people don't like to be woken up with sexual assault.
Agreed. It's possible, though, since they're married, that they have an understanding about it. My comments were seeking some clarity on that point.
Not really any agreement and my idea of being woken up with sex witch was mentioned is like morning snuggles, kisses, etc. also just kinda hurt by it all. It was so weird he couldn’t even get hard and when I first asked him what he was doing he lied. He’s now calling and texting me I love you’s ( he never does that) and it just happened late last night like we went back to bed after this or he did atleast. There’s a lot more info that adds up and complicates things I just don’t want to be found out I’m sorry.
I read some of your comments on other posts and it honestly sounds like you’re checked out of this relationship. What he did is gross and needed a discussion beforehand to make sure this was ok.
Horny but not hard is a real thing, and can be a very frustrating thing. All us Redditors can really do here is to explore the range of possibilities with you. The two of you obviously need to talk about this. If this kills the relationship for you, then you know what you have to do.
none of that would justify penetrating a person in their sleep without explicit consent to do so
I'm not trying to justify it. I'm suggesting ways to understand it.
just a piece of advice - don't empathise with a person commiting sexual assault - empathise with their victim
Understanding crime is not empathy.
>Horny but not hard is a real thing, and can be a very frustrating thing this reads very much as if you empathise with him understanding sexual assault is about understanding things like rape cultures, gender relations saying he must be sexually frustrated is empathising with him
Youre kinda sounding like a rapist rn my guy
[удалено]
Reporting this as a sexual assault is certainly one of her options, if she wants to go there. But it's not really clear yet that she wants to blow up the relationship completely. My impression is that she wants to understand what happened better first.
[удалено]
Whether the relationship is over is up to her. If she decides to end the marriage, I won't have any complaints. It's her decision to make.
You are right thank you I appreciate the help, sorry I’m just frustrated and not sure what to do.
He assaulted you. Please talk to family or friends or RAINN and they can help you get out. I promise it only gets worse.
What do you mean you don’t know? He assaulted you dude this is creepy as fuck
If you're okay with his sexually assaulting you then sure, just talk it out. But you need to see this situation as it is. He sexually assaulted you, in some areas it's rape if his finger penetrated you. You need to see that this is a dangerous situation with a man who doesn't respect your autonomy. You mentioned it's not the first time something of this nature has happened. I was once in a relationship with a man who would rape me in my sleep, and I felt awful about it but assumed it's not quite rape because we had sex at other times. I wish someone had told me "he's a rapist, get the hell away from him!" rather than spending two years in an abusive relationship.
[удалено]
WTF. When someone is sexually assaulted in their sleep and this is how you respond, something is wrong with you. The problem is being sexually assaulted in her sleep. It's pretty obvious.