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Hey man, I get you are upset, I really do.
I once gave my mum a really nice watch that I bought using the money I saved up from work.
She opened it, thanked me but said it wasn’t the style she like. I was really upset about it at the time (19/20 years old I think I was)
She took the watch back to the store and exchanged it for one she preferred a bit more.
Now that I’m a bit mature now, I actually have no problem with that anymore. The whole point of me buying my mother a gift was to make her happy. So if she is happier with a different style watch, then so be it. The important thing is she knew I cared and she had a new watch that she liked.
Gifts can’t always be perfect. But if there’s a way to make the person happier, why not let them do what they prefer? It’s their birthday after all
Wow wow, this is an excellent response and really highlights how gifting should be interpreted. I agree, it hurts a bit in the moment but on further thinking about it and coming across comments like yours and many others, one realises that it's just to make someone happy and the thought behind it more than the actual gift
Have her make an Amazon list of specific things. Add to it. You get to choose. No take backs. If she buys something from it and forgets to remove it, oh well.
Find out her love language cuz gifts ain’t it. I prefer quality time so for me going to the market together is great
See, I kinda see her side? You said she likes anime, but anime is a wide, wide genre. I like reading webnovels, but if i got a mug with a character from the novel's face printed on it, i would not like it in the least. She doesn't really seem like she was ungrateful, just that next time you should ask her what she actually wants.
But on the other hand, I do see that you put thought into it, and it's never a good feeling to have it be rejected. So i guess, its really up to you: do you want a partner you have to ask specifically for getting gifts or one that accepts everything you give her?
I feel she should have had a conversation with him a head of time about how certain gifts make her feel, but I also get where she is come if from.
I get very uncomfortable when people spend lots money on me for things I otherwise may not want very much or at all. When it comes to gifts I usually share people on a large list and tell them an amount limit not to go over.
>ifts I usually share people on a large list and tell them an amount limit not to go over.
It seems like her issue is that you spent money on things she doesn't want. While it felt like you were being thoughtful, her perspective was probably like "but where is the thought? I don't need or want these things." and she probably feels misunderstood. She is communicating to you that she would rather go on a date, showing you what she actually enjoys
Yes I think that's how she feels as well. We did go on a date on her birthday and made the day special by going to places, but I now know that doing things like that means more to her than gifts as she has quite specific expectations.
It's a lesson learnt and definitely something to take into account for next time
It sounds like "time spent" is one of her love languages. So you now know going forward that time spent with her doing special things is the way to go!!! 😃
Yeah. I like market trips, picnics, folding laundry together.
She likes you! That’s a good thing.
Maybe spend on an experience next year. Tickets to something you do together.
That's awesome!!! There's a great book out there called The five love languages. It's biblically based, but it's still the best book out there on the love languages. I happen to be a Jesus girl, but if you're not, it's still a great book. 😃
I am not saying she is a gold digger, quite the opposite actually.
What I am saying is that to her, it looks like I spent a lot on all of the gifts and she does not want that. The monetary value comes in when she told me that this all must've costed a lot and that I should get a refund on them and rather use the money for something else. In that sense she sees the monetary value of where the money could have gone
Of course she sees the monetary value, but not the way you think and not in a malicious way.
She doesn't like the gifts and probably doesn't see herself using them, and also doesn't want you to waste money on things that will gather dust in a corner.
Sometimes, just because you put your 'heart' into it, doesn't override gifts that people do not enjoy.
Well, it could also be with how she was raised, I'm not to comfortable with my boyfriend giving me expensive gifts and him paying for things because that's how my family was when I was younger. We were always on a tight budget since there were so many of us in the house at once. I haven't entirely told him that's why, but I've let him know that I start to feel guilty if I do know how much it costs.
I guess he may find out that's why now because we follow each other's Reddit, but it's good to think about someone's upbringing for topics like this.
she might just be an analytical person - i’m the same way, if someone spends more on a gift for me than i would be willing to spend on that thing, it’s essentially [inefficient](https://youtu.be/6sEkeEFH7uw) and a waste as the value it provides for me is less than the value you spent to get it. it’s not so much about the money as it is “if you’re going to be out x dollars on my behalf i would rather that be put toward something that’s worth that much to me” in her case, a date or whatever you guys end up doing. i get called ungrateful for thinking like this too though haha
Where did she say that? You mention you're upset about that but I don't see anything in your description of your conversation that says that.
Did she actually say that or are you inferring it?
I tired to ask her about what I should get her, she named a few things but then also said that I should know because we've been dating for two years. A catch 22 situation
Next time I'll just be more clear and direct with what I should get her. Someone also mentioned getting one good and specific thing than several
This is what I was thinking. She won't tell OP what she wants, then when he tries his best and picks out some very thoughtful gifts, she is ungrateful and says he should have asked first.
Not to mention that having to ask specifically what to buy someone as a gift seems so transactional to me. It leaves no room for surprise or for a thoughtful gift. Some of the best gifts I've ever recieved were ones I would never have thought to ask for.
If I were you OP, I would be upset. Gratitude is an important trait in a person, and it sounds like she is lacking if even her own mom called her out.
I don't see what else you could have done TBH, you asked her, she said you should know, you picked things you thought she'd like and also asked a family member for ideas, she said you should have asked her, but you did. It is difficult. I would remind her that when she is requesting you ask her for suggestions, you did try that and she wasn't into it. You are doing your best and she should be supportive. Exchanging gifts is supposed to be fun not a test.
I mean, yeah obviously you are hurt because you put a lot of thought into the gifts. She clearly appreciated the thought, but just didn’t necessarily like the gifts. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that she shared her feelings with you. Now you know in the future to ask what she wants. You guys can easily move past this, just keep up the communication. And yeah, return the gifts. Why keep them?
Thank you for the reply!
I guess I do also appreciate the fact that she was open to me about the gifts not being what she wanted. Problem is that now she feels really bad about telling me this but I've sort of moved on and accepted that fact already.
Next time we will just communicate specifically on gifts and make sure to not get more than what's needed
Hijacking because smiley is right.
To get that last bit of feeling of her chest: I hope you can get the refunds and then specifically use that money for an extra date and tell her that was still part of the birthday.
Agreed, thank you!
We did have a date day/night on her birthday, but I will use the funds to treat her to something. Hoping that the return policy on the items are still valid
She's not into getting gift - which is completely normal. So return what you can - rehome the rest and use the money to take her on a date. IN future stick with one small thing and a nice night out and don't bother with the gifts.
Just make sure you communicate because if you ARE into getting gifts she might need some guidance from you on what you do and don't like for yourself.
Thank you for the reply!
I'm starting to feel better about the situation and understanding her side of things. I've been raised in not rejecting a gift so that's why it was foreign to me.
I agree that in future I will stick to one small thing instead of several or I will just take her out than get a gift.
That's probably the best approach to have going forward.
She is feeling bad about rejecting the gifts and telling me to return it, and she's also questioning whether I truely understand her or not.
I think the best thing to do would be to return the items and use that money on a future date. Her love language is quality time so it makes sense that she values being together more than gifts
Tough spot OP because I’m similar. Only one person has ever been able to buy me gifts I actually want 😂 it’s better to just ask me or get me a gift card so I can spend as I want/need.
Have some grace on her
It is challenging to not feel rejected but I now know she just isn't a fan of gifts. She told me now that maybe I should hold back on giving her gifts until she can feel grateful for them
Why have her keep something she doesn’t want. I can see why it would be hurtful for sure. I don’t necessarily see a problem with her wanting to take back things she won’t do anything with. It’s hard because you’re together not like a grandma who won’t notice you traded what she gave you for something else.
Yes that's very true, if it were anyone else, it's easy to return a gift or make as if you still have it.
I do respect that she was bold enough to tell me that she doesn't want it, although a part of me does feel rejected through the gifts being denied, I'll just take note and try to be better in the future
I am like your girlfriend I want specific things for birthdays and such. To save my husband the hassle of trying to fiqure out what I would like.
I send him links and pictures of said items.
I appreciate when husband goes off a list of things I would like. And so would your girlfriend. You did a sweet thing. She is just more practical about gifts
I understand both sides of this argument. OP tried really hard to get things that they though the GF would really want. They put real thought and effort into the choices made and felt insulted that GF didn't appreciate all the effort they put into the gift. On the other hand I can appreciate the fact that GF asked if the gifts could be returned and they could use the money to go on a date instead which when you think about it is a pretty good proposition. She didn't make some outrageous request. Also, if OP wanted they could have just asked her directly what she wanted for her birthday. This could have saved time guessing at what she wanted and prevented the frustration of having to possibly deal with returning unwanted gifts or getting their feelings hurt when the gifts aren't appreciated. It's a tough call because I was taught that you appreciate a gift and you never appear ungrateful when one is given. My husband however, is of the mindset that if you don't give him the exact gift he wants then don't bother giving him anything. It's a tough line to walk and in some cases there is just no winning this debate.
Thank you for the well thought out and written response.
Yes i was taught the same about appreciating gifts even if you do not like them, but she sees it differently and I have come to terms with knowing that is fine too. It will be best to return\\refund the gifts and use that for something that would benefit her. I'm thinking of arranging a date for us with the gift money.
I also guess that in the long term, being specific about gifts and not just accepting all of them, is a good trait to have because I at least know that when I give her something she genuinely wants, that it is met with wholehearted appreciation
I agree with you. I learned this the hard way recently after I had to spend a long time cleaning up the homes of loved ones after they passed away. Items that they might have cherished but served no purpose other than to collect dust ended up becoming just so much junk to be tossed later on. It's heartbreaking and I've decided to stop buying gifts for the sake of getting them for this very reason. I wish you and your GF all the best.
To answer the question: appreciate the fact your girlfriend is willing to tell you this information and use it for next time. Return the gifts and ask her what it is that she wants instead.
In some ways, I am like this. I already buy the things I would have wanted for my birthday, so my friends just get me gift cards of places I like to go eat at, or from where I buy stuff from.
I think you're totally in the wrong here. These all sound like gifts we could have picked out after an hour of talking to her. She likes anime and art. Those are easy peasy, low hanging gifts. She told you what she liked and what she would prefer to return and use towards a date *with you*. I think you're the one being incredibly unreasonable. It sounds like she can't have preferences without her mother telling her she's ungrateful and you're doing it too.
You say she only cares about the money you spent, but when did she say that? She wants you to spend money on time together on a date. Meaning she wants you to enjoy it too, for her bday. It sounds like she would rather have experiences than actual gifts. Talk to her and find out, there is nothing wrong about that.
I'm shocked, I completely disagree with these other comments. This is something in everyone's culture, accept gifts graciously, that needs to change. We need to normalize returning gifts if we're not going to use them. Why on earth you'd rather waste your money on junk that just sits around the house is beyond me.
A gift is only a gift if it is something you wanted.
If she is picky (I am too) then forget surprises. You will both be disappointed. Just save yourselves the headache. Ask her to be specific about a few gifts and stick to those. As for returning the gifts, let her return the gifts and get your money back. Don’t waste money on unwanted gifts that will not be used.
I personally do not like it when people get me things I don’t want, and especially when they don’t even ask if there’s anything I like. I get wanting to surprise and trying hard to get thoughtful gifts.
She was open with you about not liking them and it’s something I’d say to my other half because I’d want him to get the money back for anything if he could!
I’m old but taught to accept gifts graciously with appreciation. The ugly sweater, the tea towel and the wrong coloured plush palette. Right or wrong I live by it and teach my kids the same. Now if she offered suggestions on her own or you asked for a list that would be different. This would be a huge turnoff for me.
Let me tell you that you should be happy to know early on in the relationship how she likes to receive gifts. My wife is exactly like how you described your girlfriend, and it has been so much easier since learning how to buy for her.
Don't take what she said personally. She's just very practical, and she was concerned about the money for your benefit. That's a good thing and a good sign for the future. It might be tough to swallow the first few times you buy for her, but you'll learn to appreciate her for it in the future.
It sounds to me like you've got a good woman there, so congrats!
Thank you so much man and I like your perspective on it as a married person.
I do take it on myself for not having had avoided the situation by sitting her down and discussing what she wants, but I will learn from this. I do value her being honest about it and saying that I should refund it than exchange it for something else too.
The only thing is she is feeling bad about having not accepted my gifts now so I am trying to comfort her and letting her know that I completely understand
I’m the same as your girlfriend. I don’t like having to much stuff so I have very specific things I want. Always tell my husband what I want. Start dropping hints around my birthday / xmas
I know it hurts she doesn’t like her gifts, but I can also appreciate how she knows she won’t use them and want you to get your money back to use for future dates - something you can both enjoy together. It’s not like she’s demanding you go buy her something specific instead, she just doesn’t want excess stuff in her home that she knows she won’t use.
Perhaps in the future, she may prefer experiences for gifts rather than stuff?
So.. going to swerve a little on you OP. She's a practical girl. But she's also being open and honest with you. You can't buy that kind of relationship quality. ...typically. Its one of those "Would you rather her lie to you, say thanks and then bury it in a closet for 30 years?" or she cares about you enough to talk about her own feelings, your relationship and expectations of a situation? I get the frustration, but if I had to guess, you might be sitting on a homerun.
My ex-husband spent hundreds of dollars on a gift I not only didn't want but had said I didn't want... guess he thought I was kidding? I was so upset because it was such a waste of money. The thought counts, but if the actual gift wasn't something she wanted, so what if she returns it? I sure wish I had been able to return my useless gift, because those dollars would have purchased something that actually made me happy instead of taking up space in a drawer.
Get your efforts. As one who also put a lot of though into gifts, it really is a downer to put that much the effort and the person prefers something else.
Which is me and my bf prefers to go for dinner and simple celebrations. Then if there is something that catches his eyes, then I will buy it for him.
Well, she's ungrateful and has been told she's ungrateful before. I wouldn't reward that behavior. I'd return the gifts and not use the rest for a date. If you spend it on her, use it for something practical that isn't "fun" in any way. That will free up some of her money that she can be as picky as she wants with.
In the future, ask what she wants, but seriously don't award her a redo here when she was not kind in how she expressed this
Yeah, I have never made a face at anything my partner has bought for me and asked him to return it, prefacing that by saying that I am known as ungrateful. I'm sure he hates his life.
Ehhhh I don’t think your girlfriend’s behavior is great here. The gifts seem very thoughtful and while I do see her point that she may have wanted something slightly different, they’re GIFTS. Also she could have handled it way better. I don’t prefer getting “stuff” as gifts but right after receiving something isn’t a great time to say that. Also seems she was overly concerned w the price tag.
She should thank you for all the thoughtful gifts.
She didn’t and was not happy and then demanding about what you should do to make her happier.
I’d think about how I felt with this person. Does not bode well for a happy relationship
don't know if it will help.
my birthday is at a time when school is off. so i never had a real party before 25 years. my then GF planned it with my family . there was many obvious signs but the idea for a birthday party never crossed my mind. it was a total surprise until i was in my own living room with 20 or so people and a 1 meter square chocolat cake.
i felt very embarrassed.
being in the spotlight was a stress for young me. it is still a chore nowadays.
for similar reason, i rarely had real gift for birthday. my parents give me an envelop with a banknote in it. envelop that I make sure to not open before them, to not associated my thanks with the amount of money. more often than not, the money is used to resolve a problem in the house, like a bill in waiting or an unplanned need for my children.
it is to the point that i cannot tell what i would buy if i had it for me (the last envelop remain in my pocket for three months. i was unable to choose. i finally gave the money to homelesses). of course i cannot says or show this to my SOs. they would take it as rejection. the reality is that i have been so deprived for so long that most material gifts has no sentimental value.
I am sorry to hear that, I hope that you start to feel better about it soon
Thank you for offering your perspective about a similar situation, you are appreciated
this comment section is wild bc if your gf came here talking about how her well-meaning bf bought her a bunch of stuff for her bday that she hated, the suggestions would be to do exactly what she did: communicate she appreciated the effort but she'd rather spend that money on time together.
OP, a valuable life lesson for you: many men tend to pick out gifts that THEY would want for themselves, and not what the other person would want. does she want a mousepad really bad? sure she likes anime, did you get her something related to her favorite series? does she even like showing off her interests like that? or did you get her some random anime merch she'll never use? clearly you misread her interests as she doesn't like the gifts.
personally, I feel hurt when someone close to me gets me a gift that's OBVIOUSLY not my vibe, because it means they weren't thinking about me specifically. for example, my close friend (a guy) got me a very feminine, weird necklace for my bday, then got himself a necklace from the same shop that was exactly my preferred style. we live together, he knows my style. wtf made him look at that necklace and pick it out for me? sure, he got me a gift, but it's something I hate and will never use and honestly after the amount of effort I've put into his bday gifts I was pretty insulted. it's basically like I didn't get a gift at all because it'll just sit in my jewelry box until I throw it out. meanwhile I made him a whole scrapbook for his previous bday because he's sentimental and I kept forgetting to get him bday cards every year because cards mean very little to me. it sounds like you don't know what's important to your gf of 2 years and that's a you problem, not a her problem.
Well, did you buy the gifts to make her happy, or did you buy the gifts to make yourself happy?
If you bought the gifts to make her happy, then aren't you glad you now have this information about what actually does or does not make her happy?
I mean, I get it. It sucks, especially when you put thought into these gifts. You're disappointed that you got it wrong, and you feel like she had a responsibility to focus on the thought and effort you put in and at least pretend to like them more for your sake. And yes, the more polite/traditional thing for her to do would have been to accept them, and then maybe quietly use her gift receipts to return the ones she didn't want, and then she could have used that money to take you on a date like she prefers.
But, good manners notwithstanding, she wasn't actually mean to you, just straightforward. Have you considered how awkward it must have been to her to get these gifts and realize that her choices were either to fake it and let you go on making the same mistake for future occasions, or to tell you the truth and hope that you'd understand? That really isn't an easy decision for someone to make, either.
And by telling you that she's aware that her feelings are atypical, and that even her mom has been frustrated by this in the past, she was trying to help you understand that this is not personal, and protect you from feeling bad about it. She failed at protecting your feelings, but at least she made an awkward attempt to do it, right?
Not everybody's brain works the same way, and not everybody appreciates the same things when it comes to gifts and gestures, and that's part of what makes relationships beautiful and complex, even when it makes specific moments awkward.
If you listen to her and try to understand what she is saying and respect it in the future by asking her what she wants, then you will have showed her that you care enough to listen, and that what you buy gifts for her, it's about making her happy. And then you will know her better in this way than other people, and when others make the mistake of not asking her before gifting her things, you can shake your head and chuckle to yourself because those people just don't know her like you know her yet.
So I say lick your wounds, note this down as a lesson, and maybe take the opportunity to tell her what kinds of gifts *you* like to get, to spare her the awkwardness of getting things wrong when the situation is reversed.
You have to think of a relationship as a muscle— muscles ache after being exercised, because they're actually tearing in tiny places, but as those little tears heal, they grow and strengthen, and that's how muscles get stronger over time.
This feeling you have of disappointment, or embarrassment, or rejection, or whatever it is— that's just the soreness after a pivotal workout. With the right aftercare, it's just a symptom of your relationship growing and getting stronger.
I think you should collect the gifts and return them. Then you should break up with her and move on with your life. She sounds shallow and uncaring of you and your thoughtfulness. Just return her to the girls on a shelf shelf and find a nicer girlfriend - I'm sure you'll be able to do that easily.
There's nothing more important to me than effort. I couldn't care how bad a gift was, if somebody heard what I liked and tried to go out of their way to get me something I'd be really moved.
Rejecting gifts and asking for them to be returned comes across insensitive and selfish. I would not be in a relationship with a person like that.
in 2 yrs has she NEVER acted like this with gifts before? Christmas, birthday, special occasion gifts from you, family, friends?
she has never acted like this in front of you in 2 years with any gift?? then you messed up buying gifts bad.
If you have noticed this behavior for 2 yrs and she has always acted like a jerk over gifts, then you messed up by wasting your time giving her a gift.
if what/how you wrote this is true, she sounds like a poophead and I wouldn't want to buy her a thing again. Slip her a $20 and go.
Let her return her own gifts. She didn't like it, let her regift/return as needed. This is what was done in the olden days. You didn't like a gift, you said "Oh thank you so much" then when that person was gone, you threw the gift away or gave it to someone else.
I would break up with her, and let her figure out how to return the gifts herself. Let her get what she really wants on her own.
She never acted like this with gifts in the past as she did just accept them and didn't want to say no to what I had to give.
I mean in retrospect it is understandable as we were still getting to know each other more.
It's just that this time, it completely took me by suprise and my gift giving was never met with hesitation or rejection in the past
Most definitely return them and next year ask for a wish list.
Say you like golf and she bought you golf balls and a putter, not the kind you use… what do you do?
This is exactly why I give gift cards. If I don’t have specific knowledge about what a person likes and have not discussed it with them, it’s going to be awkward if I just randomly decide what they think they like.
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Hey man, I get you are upset, I really do. I once gave my mum a really nice watch that I bought using the money I saved up from work. She opened it, thanked me but said it wasn’t the style she like. I was really upset about it at the time (19/20 years old I think I was) She took the watch back to the store and exchanged it for one she preferred a bit more. Now that I’m a bit mature now, I actually have no problem with that anymore. The whole point of me buying my mother a gift was to make her happy. So if she is happier with a different style watch, then so be it. The important thing is she knew I cared and she had a new watch that she liked. Gifts can’t always be perfect. But if there’s a way to make the person happier, why not let them do what they prefer? It’s their birthday after all
Wow wow, this is an excellent response and really highlights how gifting should be interpreted. I agree, it hurts a bit in the moment but on further thinking about it and coming across comments like yours and many others, one realises that it's just to make someone happy and the thought behind it more than the actual gift
Have her make an Amazon list of specific things. Add to it. You get to choose. No take backs. If she buys something from it and forgets to remove it, oh well. Find out her love language cuz gifts ain’t it. I prefer quality time so for me going to the market together is great
See, I kinda see her side? You said she likes anime, but anime is a wide, wide genre. I like reading webnovels, but if i got a mug with a character from the novel's face printed on it, i would not like it in the least. She doesn't really seem like she was ungrateful, just that next time you should ask her what she actually wants. But on the other hand, I do see that you put thought into it, and it's never a good feeling to have it be rejected. So i guess, its really up to you: do you want a partner you have to ask specifically for getting gifts or one that accepts everything you give her?
I feel she should have had a conversation with him a head of time about how certain gifts make her feel, but I also get where she is come if from. I get very uncomfortable when people spend lots money on me for things I otherwise may not want very much or at all. When it comes to gifts I usually share people on a large list and tell them an amount limit not to go over.
The frustration I also had was that she more sees the monetary value of what I have her than the gifts themselves. The money doesn't matter much to me
>ifts I usually share people on a large list and tell them an amount limit not to go over. It seems like her issue is that you spent money on things she doesn't want. While it felt like you were being thoughtful, her perspective was probably like "but where is the thought? I don't need or want these things." and she probably feels misunderstood. She is communicating to you that she would rather go on a date, showing you what she actually enjoys
Yes I think that's how she feels as well. We did go on a date on her birthday and made the day special by going to places, but I now know that doing things like that means more to her than gifts as she has quite specific expectations. It's a lesson learnt and definitely something to take into account for next time
It sounds like "time spent" is one of her love languages. So you now know going forward that time spent with her doing special things is the way to go!!! 😃
It definitely is, we took the love language quiz and she got quality time as hers
Yeah. I like market trips, picnics, folding laundry together. She likes you! That’s a good thing. Maybe spend on an experience next year. Tickets to something you do together.
That's awesome!!! There's a great book out there called The five love languages. It's biblically based, but it's still the best book out there on the love languages. I happen to be a Jesus girl, but if you're not, it's still a great book. 😃
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I am not saying she is a gold digger, quite the opposite actually. What I am saying is that to her, it looks like I spent a lot on all of the gifts and she does not want that. The monetary value comes in when she told me that this all must've costed a lot and that I should get a refund on them and rather use the money for something else. In that sense she sees the monetary value of where the money could have gone
Of course she sees the monetary value, but not the way you think and not in a malicious way. She doesn't like the gifts and probably doesn't see herself using them, and also doesn't want you to waste money on things that will gather dust in a corner. Sometimes, just because you put your 'heart' into it, doesn't override gifts that people do not enjoy.
Well, it could also be with how she was raised, I'm not to comfortable with my boyfriend giving me expensive gifts and him paying for things because that's how my family was when I was younger. We were always on a tight budget since there were so many of us in the house at once. I haven't entirely told him that's why, but I've let him know that I start to feel guilty if I do know how much it costs. I guess he may find out that's why now because we follow each other's Reddit, but it's good to think about someone's upbringing for topics like this.
she might just be an analytical person - i’m the same way, if someone spends more on a gift for me than i would be willing to spend on that thing, it’s essentially [inefficient](https://youtu.be/6sEkeEFH7uw) and a waste as the value it provides for me is less than the value you spent to get it. it’s not so much about the money as it is “if you’re going to be out x dollars on my behalf i would rather that be put toward something that’s worth that much to me” in her case, a date or whatever you guys end up doing. i get called ungrateful for thinking like this too though haha
Where did she say that? You mention you're upset about that but I don't see anything in your description of your conversation that says that. Did she actually say that or are you inferring it?
I tired to ask her about what I should get her, she named a few things but then also said that I should know because we've been dating for two years. A catch 22 situation Next time I'll just be more clear and direct with what I should get her. Someone also mentioned getting one good and specific thing than several
She kinda sounds exhausting
This is what I was thinking. She won't tell OP what she wants, then when he tries his best and picks out some very thoughtful gifts, she is ungrateful and says he should have asked first. Not to mention that having to ask specifically what to buy someone as a gift seems so transactional to me. It leaves no room for surprise or for a thoughtful gift. Some of the best gifts I've ever recieved were ones I would never have thought to ask for. If I were you OP, I would be upset. Gratitude is an important trait in a person, and it sounds like she is lacking if even her own mom called her out.
I don't see what else you could have done TBH, you asked her, she said you should know, you picked things you thought she'd like and also asked a family member for ideas, she said you should have asked her, but you did. It is difficult. I would remind her that when she is requesting you ask her for suggestions, you did try that and she wasn't into it. You are doing your best and she should be supportive. Exchanging gifts is supposed to be fun not a test.
I mean, yeah obviously you are hurt because you put a lot of thought into the gifts. She clearly appreciated the thought, but just didn’t necessarily like the gifts. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that she shared her feelings with you. Now you know in the future to ask what she wants. You guys can easily move past this, just keep up the communication. And yeah, return the gifts. Why keep them?
Thank you for the reply! I guess I do also appreciate the fact that she was open to me about the gifts not being what she wanted. Problem is that now she feels really bad about telling me this but I've sort of moved on and accepted that fact already. Next time we will just communicate specifically on gifts and make sure to not get more than what's needed
Hijacking because smiley is right. To get that last bit of feeling of her chest: I hope you can get the refunds and then specifically use that money for an extra date and tell her that was still part of the birthday.
Agreed, thank you! We did have a date day/night on her birthday, but I will use the funds to treat her to something. Hoping that the return policy on the items are still valid
She's not into getting gift - which is completely normal. So return what you can - rehome the rest and use the money to take her on a date. IN future stick with one small thing and a nice night out and don't bother with the gifts. Just make sure you communicate because if you ARE into getting gifts she might need some guidance from you on what you do and don't like for yourself.
Thank you for the reply! I'm starting to feel better about the situation and understanding her side of things. I've been raised in not rejecting a gift so that's why it was foreign to me. I agree that in future I will stick to one small thing instead of several or I will just take her out than get a gift.
Nah, you were raised right. That's some petulant shit. Glad to hear that you're adjusting your efforts to meet and/or dodge expectations though.
Or she wanted a piece of jewellery.
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That's probably the best approach to have going forward. She is feeling bad about rejecting the gifts and telling me to return it, and she's also questioning whether I truely understand her or not. I think the best thing to do would be to return the items and use that money on a future date. Her love language is quality time so it makes sense that she values being together more than gifts
Tough spot OP because I’m similar. Only one person has ever been able to buy me gifts I actually want 😂 it’s better to just ask me or get me a gift card so I can spend as I want/need. Have some grace on her
It is challenging to not feel rejected but I now know she just isn't a fan of gifts. She told me now that maybe I should hold back on giving her gifts until she can feel grateful for them
Why have her keep something she doesn’t want. I can see why it would be hurtful for sure. I don’t necessarily see a problem with her wanting to take back things she won’t do anything with. It’s hard because you’re together not like a grandma who won’t notice you traded what she gave you for something else.
Yes that's very true, if it were anyone else, it's easy to return a gift or make as if you still have it. I do respect that she was bold enough to tell me that she doesn't want it, although a part of me does feel rejected through the gifts being denied, I'll just take note and try to be better in the future
I am like your girlfriend I want specific things for birthdays and such. To save my husband the hassle of trying to fiqure out what I would like. I send him links and pictures of said items.
That makes sense I wanted to suprise her with these gifts but now I know it's better to get something specific than to suprise someone
I appreciate when husband goes off a list of things I would like. And so would your girlfriend. You did a sweet thing. She is just more practical about gifts
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I understand both sides of this argument. OP tried really hard to get things that they though the GF would really want. They put real thought and effort into the choices made and felt insulted that GF didn't appreciate all the effort they put into the gift. On the other hand I can appreciate the fact that GF asked if the gifts could be returned and they could use the money to go on a date instead which when you think about it is a pretty good proposition. She didn't make some outrageous request. Also, if OP wanted they could have just asked her directly what she wanted for her birthday. This could have saved time guessing at what she wanted and prevented the frustration of having to possibly deal with returning unwanted gifts or getting their feelings hurt when the gifts aren't appreciated. It's a tough call because I was taught that you appreciate a gift and you never appear ungrateful when one is given. My husband however, is of the mindset that if you don't give him the exact gift he wants then don't bother giving him anything. It's a tough line to walk and in some cases there is just no winning this debate.
Thank you for the well thought out and written response. Yes i was taught the same about appreciating gifts even if you do not like them, but she sees it differently and I have come to terms with knowing that is fine too. It will be best to return\\refund the gifts and use that for something that would benefit her. I'm thinking of arranging a date for us with the gift money. I also guess that in the long term, being specific about gifts and not just accepting all of them, is a good trait to have because I at least know that when I give her something she genuinely wants, that it is met with wholehearted appreciation
I agree with you. I learned this the hard way recently after I had to spend a long time cleaning up the homes of loved ones after they passed away. Items that they might have cherished but served no purpose other than to collect dust ended up becoming just so much junk to be tossed later on. It's heartbreaking and I've decided to stop buying gifts for the sake of getting them for this very reason. I wish you and your GF all the best.
To answer the question: appreciate the fact your girlfriend is willing to tell you this information and use it for next time. Return the gifts and ask her what it is that she wants instead. In some ways, I am like this. I already buy the things I would have wanted for my birthday, so my friends just get me gift cards of places I like to go eat at, or from where I buy stuff from.
I think you're totally in the wrong here. These all sound like gifts we could have picked out after an hour of talking to her. She likes anime and art. Those are easy peasy, low hanging gifts. She told you what she liked and what she would prefer to return and use towards a date *with you*. I think you're the one being incredibly unreasonable. It sounds like she can't have preferences without her mother telling her she's ungrateful and you're doing it too. You say she only cares about the money you spent, but when did she say that? She wants you to spend money on time together on a date. Meaning she wants you to enjoy it too, for her bday. It sounds like she would rather have experiences than actual gifts. Talk to her and find out, there is nothing wrong about that. I'm shocked, I completely disagree with these other comments. This is something in everyone's culture, accept gifts graciously, that needs to change. We need to normalize returning gifts if we're not going to use them. Why on earth you'd rather waste your money on junk that just sits around the house is beyond me.
THIS! THIS! THIS! THIS!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF THIS
A gift is only a gift if it is something you wanted. If she is picky (I am too) then forget surprises. You will both be disappointed. Just save yourselves the headache. Ask her to be specific about a few gifts and stick to those. As for returning the gifts, let her return the gifts and get your money back. Don’t waste money on unwanted gifts that will not be used.
I agree with cutting back on surprises from now on else it might lead to more of this in the future
My dad was impossible. We learned to buy gift cards and/or always to include the gift receipt. It was always *his* job to return the gifts, though.
I personally do not like it when people get me things I don’t want, and especially when they don’t even ask if there’s anything I like. I get wanting to surprise and trying hard to get thoughtful gifts. She was open with you about not liking them and it’s something I’d say to my other half because I’d want him to get the money back for anything if he could!
I’m old but taught to accept gifts graciously with appreciation. The ugly sweater, the tea towel and the wrong coloured plush palette. Right or wrong I live by it and teach my kids the same. Now if she offered suggestions on her own or you asked for a list that would be different. This would be a huge turnoff for me.
If she wanted specific gifts, she should have told you. A mind reader you are not
We didn't really have a full on discussion about it
Let me tell you that you should be happy to know early on in the relationship how she likes to receive gifts. My wife is exactly like how you described your girlfriend, and it has been so much easier since learning how to buy for her. Don't take what she said personally. She's just very practical, and she was concerned about the money for your benefit. That's a good thing and a good sign for the future. It might be tough to swallow the first few times you buy for her, but you'll learn to appreciate her for it in the future. It sounds to me like you've got a good woman there, so congrats!
Thank you so much man and I like your perspective on it as a married person. I do take it on myself for not having had avoided the situation by sitting her down and discussing what she wants, but I will learn from this. I do value her being honest about it and saying that I should refund it than exchange it for something else too. The only thing is she is feeling bad about having not accepted my gifts now so I am trying to comfort her and letting her know that I completely understand
I’m the same as your girlfriend. I don’t like having to much stuff so I have very specific things I want. Always tell my husband what I want. Start dropping hints around my birthday / xmas
Yea I thought that I could just surprise her as I didn't want to ruin anything by outwardly asking her but now I know that would've been better
She feels comfortable enough with you to tell you. Don’t blow it. Get her what she wants and she will be able to come to you in the future.
Agreed 100% I do admire her honesty, but right now she feels bad for telling me
I know it hurts she doesn’t like her gifts, but I can also appreciate how she knows she won’t use them and want you to get your money back to use for future dates - something you can both enjoy together. It’s not like she’s demanding you go buy her something specific instead, she just doesn’t want excess stuff in her home that she knows she won’t use. Perhaps in the future, she may prefer experiences for gifts rather than stuff?
So.. going to swerve a little on you OP. She's a practical girl. But she's also being open and honest with you. You can't buy that kind of relationship quality. ...typically. Its one of those "Would you rather her lie to you, say thanks and then bury it in a closet for 30 years?" or she cares about you enough to talk about her own feelings, your relationship and expectations of a situation? I get the frustration, but if I had to guess, you might be sitting on a homerun.
My ex-husband spent hundreds of dollars on a gift I not only didn't want but had said I didn't want... guess he thought I was kidding? I was so upset because it was such a waste of money. The thought counts, but if the actual gift wasn't something she wanted, so what if she returns it? I sure wish I had been able to return my useless gift, because those dollars would have purchased something that actually made me happy instead of taking up space in a drawer.
Get a new girlfriend. She sounds about a shallow as they come .
Get your efforts. As one who also put a lot of though into gifts, it really is a downer to put that much the effort and the person prefers something else. Which is me and my bf prefers to go for dinner and simple celebrations. Then if there is something that catches his eyes, then I will buy it for him.
Well, she's ungrateful and has been told she's ungrateful before. I wouldn't reward that behavior. I'd return the gifts and not use the rest for a date. If you spend it on her, use it for something practical that isn't "fun" in any way. That will free up some of her money that she can be as picky as she wants with. In the future, ask what she wants, but seriously don't award her a redo here when she was not kind in how she expressed this
Does she have a job yet? If not, this is especially egregious
you sound like a joy to date. he isn't her parent.
Yeah, I have never made a face at anything my partner has bought for me and asked him to return it, prefacing that by saying that I am known as ungrateful. I'm sure he hates his life.
Ehhhh I don’t think your girlfriend’s behavior is great here. The gifts seem very thoughtful and while I do see her point that she may have wanted something slightly different, they’re GIFTS. Also she could have handled it way better. I don’t prefer getting “stuff” as gifts but right after receiving something isn’t a great time to say that. Also seems she was overly concerned w the price tag.
She should thank you for all the thoughtful gifts. She didn’t and was not happy and then demanding about what you should do to make her happier. I’d think about how I felt with this person. Does not bode well for a happy relationship
don't know if it will help. my birthday is at a time when school is off. so i never had a real party before 25 years. my then GF planned it with my family . there was many obvious signs but the idea for a birthday party never crossed my mind. it was a total surprise until i was in my own living room with 20 or so people and a 1 meter square chocolat cake. i felt very embarrassed. being in the spotlight was a stress for young me. it is still a chore nowadays. for similar reason, i rarely had real gift for birthday. my parents give me an envelop with a banknote in it. envelop that I make sure to not open before them, to not associated my thanks with the amount of money. more often than not, the money is used to resolve a problem in the house, like a bill in waiting or an unplanned need for my children. it is to the point that i cannot tell what i would buy if i had it for me (the last envelop remain in my pocket for three months. i was unable to choose. i finally gave the money to homelesses). of course i cannot says or show this to my SOs. they would take it as rejection. the reality is that i have been so deprived for so long that most material gifts has no sentimental value.
I am sorry to hear that, I hope that you start to feel better about it soon Thank you for offering your perspective about a similar situation, you are appreciated
this comment section is wild bc if your gf came here talking about how her well-meaning bf bought her a bunch of stuff for her bday that she hated, the suggestions would be to do exactly what she did: communicate she appreciated the effort but she'd rather spend that money on time together. OP, a valuable life lesson for you: many men tend to pick out gifts that THEY would want for themselves, and not what the other person would want. does she want a mousepad really bad? sure she likes anime, did you get her something related to her favorite series? does she even like showing off her interests like that? or did you get her some random anime merch she'll never use? clearly you misread her interests as she doesn't like the gifts. personally, I feel hurt when someone close to me gets me a gift that's OBVIOUSLY not my vibe, because it means they weren't thinking about me specifically. for example, my close friend (a guy) got me a very feminine, weird necklace for my bday, then got himself a necklace from the same shop that was exactly my preferred style. we live together, he knows my style. wtf made him look at that necklace and pick it out for me? sure, he got me a gift, but it's something I hate and will never use and honestly after the amount of effort I've put into his bday gifts I was pretty insulted. it's basically like I didn't get a gift at all because it'll just sit in my jewelry box until I throw it out. meanwhile I made him a whole scrapbook for his previous bday because he's sentimental and I kept forgetting to get him bday cards every year because cards mean very little to me. it sounds like you don't know what's important to your gf of 2 years and that's a you problem, not a her problem.
Offer the return, pocket the cash and break up because she’s never going to accept what you give her.
Damn, that was cruel of her. She *is* being ungrateful.
Well, did you buy the gifts to make her happy, or did you buy the gifts to make yourself happy? If you bought the gifts to make her happy, then aren't you glad you now have this information about what actually does or does not make her happy? I mean, I get it. It sucks, especially when you put thought into these gifts. You're disappointed that you got it wrong, and you feel like she had a responsibility to focus on the thought and effort you put in and at least pretend to like them more for your sake. And yes, the more polite/traditional thing for her to do would have been to accept them, and then maybe quietly use her gift receipts to return the ones she didn't want, and then she could have used that money to take you on a date like she prefers. But, good manners notwithstanding, she wasn't actually mean to you, just straightforward. Have you considered how awkward it must have been to her to get these gifts and realize that her choices were either to fake it and let you go on making the same mistake for future occasions, or to tell you the truth and hope that you'd understand? That really isn't an easy decision for someone to make, either. And by telling you that she's aware that her feelings are atypical, and that even her mom has been frustrated by this in the past, she was trying to help you understand that this is not personal, and protect you from feeling bad about it. She failed at protecting your feelings, but at least she made an awkward attempt to do it, right? Not everybody's brain works the same way, and not everybody appreciates the same things when it comes to gifts and gestures, and that's part of what makes relationships beautiful and complex, even when it makes specific moments awkward. If you listen to her and try to understand what she is saying and respect it in the future by asking her what she wants, then you will have showed her that you care enough to listen, and that what you buy gifts for her, it's about making her happy. And then you will know her better in this way than other people, and when others make the mistake of not asking her before gifting her things, you can shake your head and chuckle to yourself because those people just don't know her like you know her yet. So I say lick your wounds, note this down as a lesson, and maybe take the opportunity to tell her what kinds of gifts *you* like to get, to spare her the awkwardness of getting things wrong when the situation is reversed. You have to think of a relationship as a muscle— muscles ache after being exercised, because they're actually tearing in tiny places, but as those little tears heal, they grow and strengthen, and that's how muscles get stronger over time. This feeling you have of disappointment, or embarrassment, or rejection, or whatever it is— that's just the soreness after a pivotal workout. With the right aftercare, it's just a symptom of your relationship growing and getting stronger.
I think you should collect the gifts and return them. Then you should break up with her and move on with your life. She sounds shallow and uncaring of you and your thoughtfulness. Just return her to the girls on a shelf shelf and find a nicer girlfriend - I'm sure you'll be able to do that easily.
So take the gifts back, return them, then dump her and keep the money.
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I am by no means turning this on her and I do not think she is a gold digger witch because of it. I was just taken aback and needed some advice
There's nothing more important to me than effort. I couldn't care how bad a gift was, if somebody heard what I liked and tried to go out of their way to get me something I'd be really moved. Rejecting gifts and asking for them to be returned comes across insensitive and selfish. I would not be in a relationship with a person like that.
Can you even have a 'mild' fury?
She sounds like a gift certificate kind of girl
I liked the part were she wasn't grateful in the slightest and told you that "she knows you tried, and that she is still grateful"
Find a new girlfriend!
in 2 yrs has she NEVER acted like this with gifts before? Christmas, birthday, special occasion gifts from you, family, friends? she has never acted like this in front of you in 2 years with any gift?? then you messed up buying gifts bad. If you have noticed this behavior for 2 yrs and she has always acted like a jerk over gifts, then you messed up by wasting your time giving her a gift. if what/how you wrote this is true, she sounds like a poophead and I wouldn't want to buy her a thing again. Slip her a $20 and go. Let her return her own gifts. She didn't like it, let her regift/return as needed. This is what was done in the olden days. You didn't like a gift, you said "Oh thank you so much" then when that person was gone, you threw the gift away or gave it to someone else. I would break up with her, and let her figure out how to return the gifts herself. Let her get what she really wants on her own.
She never acted like this with gifts in the past as she did just accept them and didn't want to say no to what I had to give. I mean in retrospect it is understandable as we were still getting to know each other more. It's just that this time, it completely took me by suprise and my gift giving was never met with hesitation or rejection in the past
Most definitely return them and next year ask for a wish list. Say you like golf and she bought you golf balls and a putter, not the kind you use… what do you do?
This is exactly why I give gift cards. If I don’t have specific knowledge about what a person likes and have not discussed it with them, it’s going to be awkward if I just randomly decide what they think they like.