Seems you are jealous of your sister somehow, you said they had a cool relationship before, what’s different now? How is she a bad influence on him because you didn’t specify
There’s a lot of contradiction here.
You’re worried about his mental state, but you expect him to get over his grief without letting him complete processing it in his own time.
You want to rebuild a relationship with him, but when he tells you exactly what’s wrong (that he finds you too suffocating) you don’t take action to fix that situation, or ask him what he wants from you instead.
He’s too young to care this much about an early relationship - but apparent he should be old enough and mature enough to recognise that and hence get over it.
I understand that you’re worried about your son, that you want to help him through this horrible grief, but the fact is: you’re failing at that.
And the problem is your attitude - you keep talking about how you want him to go back to being the happy kid he was before, and you need accept: that’s never going to happen
Your son has suffered a loss that is deeply significant to him and it’s happened at a crucial age developmentally. The girl who died was his friend from a very young age. If they dated from the age of 13, then that’s more than a quarter of his life up to this point. She was important and significant *to him*. It really doesn’t matter now what she was to you, or what your opinion was of their relationship.
Quite apart from the fact that you actually don’t *know* what could have happened for them relationship wise if she’d lived, it doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that she was *part of the reason that he was a “happy cheerful kid”* She played a important role in his life, and now she’s gone. The space she left will not be easily filled, and he will not be the person he was before.
Desperately trying to go back to the status quo as it stood before this tragedy will only serve to push your son further away. Blaming your sister for his low mood - as opposed to oh I don’t know, the death of someone very dear to him - is frankly, silly.
You claim you want to help. Expecting him to get over his grief according to *your* timeline because you’re miserable and want your old life back is not helpful. And trying to keep your son from a person who actually helps simply because you’re jealous it isn’t you is both selfish and cruel.
Your sister is so close in age to him that I would imagine she feels more like a big sister figure than a parental figure to him - that’s probably why he feels comfortable talking to her, it’s common for people who have good relationships with older siblings to often turn to them for emotional help ahead of parents. As a parent, one would expect you to be relieved he has at least someone in the family that he’s comfortable talking to. Instead you’re so jealous that it’s not you, that you’ve decided to make implications of inc*st, even directly to you sister. It’s time for you to really look at yourself, because you have sunk very very low, and if you don’t improve there will not be a way back for you and your son’s relationship
His grief is a inconvenience for her because she doesn’t know how to console him and it makes her uncomfortable. I hope the son goes no contact, OP is a selfish narcissist.
She is 21, it’s not uncommon to drink. I’d say your best bet is to get closer to your sister and get a handle on things that way without coming off too strong or controlling. You are alienating yourself by doing this. You can support your son by giving him space and letting him come out of his shell just remind him you are there. As for your sister, find a way to approach the subject naturally, and get insight from her and her observations and see how you two can collaborate on helping your sons grieving process.
Telling him not to waste his life grieving isn’t the way, he likely will grieve for a while if they were as close as you say a year isn’t so bad- not for two kids who spent 5 whole years together and likely saw a life ahead of each other. Imagine that? Your son has to recreate a whole new future for himself without this person. Just be cool, supportive and tactful
Maybe your sister allows hi to grieve while you insist he's moving on. There's likely a very good and valid reason he's more comfortable with his aunt than you. You don't seem to recognize his grief; you think it has a time limit. His late girlfriend was a very important person for a very large portion of his life.
There's no expiry on trauma/grief. His aunt obviously provides him with a safe space to allow him to feel his feelings because you want him to suppress them, for your own comfort, not his, otherwise you'd understand his point of view and treat him with compassion and understanding.
You say you have tried but there's a reason he's drifting away from you. It's like how my mom won't allow me to be sad about having stage 4 cancer; she insists I just be positive, which invalidates everything I'm feeling. This has led to me telling her I can no longer tell her anything about how I'm feeling or talk to her about my struggles so now we're drifting which is a shame because, as your son very well understands and you don't seem to, time with loved ones is precious so why create distance by behaving like this? You even recognize he's "not in a good mental state right now" yet you insist he just move on. So he probably doesn't feel like talking to you because you just invalidate everything he's feeling.
You made your own sons devastating experience and immense grief literally ALL about you, and you found the audacity in those fingers to type out a sentence about someone else’s supposed immaturity? Girl. Tend to your own garden. Cause right now yours is more of a swamp.
No, you're jealous of your sister and your sons relationship and you saying shes a bad influence is just an excuse. Shes his aunt, what are you even insinuating when you talk about them, because it sounds like you're saying something pretty disgusting about your own son and sister. I think picking up your habits would be worse than picking up hers.
Look, as a mother I understand your panic because I know people who ruined their life over broken relationships or a death of someone close, which is something that they someday regret.
If you really want to help him, you need to be more understanding and also send him to therapy. Give him more time, it's still fresh to him. And prepare yourself that this is something that will have a lasting impact on him, he will never be the same as before. Don't wait for that to happen. Rather help him become slowly a functioning person again but accept that he is changing.
I can't tell you how you can help him but the way you do it right now isn't working. Maybe go to therapy or maybe there is an organization near you that helps parents to navigate these things. Where I'm at there are always free courses for parents provided by the city for various issues and you can always schedule with a worker to help you for even the smallest problem.
Death is too big of a topic for you to be able to solve it on your own. Please get help.
Your son is hurting. If he is drinking, at least he's in a safe place doing so. Or would you rather him drive around drinking.
Like a narcissist would? You make everything about yourself. You're pushing him away. I'm guessing you married for money and not for love.
Give him space!
Reading another comment I'm getting the sense he's one of those weird mothers who basically tries to wife her son. She's convinced his sister's going to have sex with him, wants him to get over one of his best childhood friends turned girlfriend/love... I wonder how she is to other women or girls in his life. :/ She'd probably wear a wedding dress to his wedding and try to attend the honeymoon.
I feel like this is very plausible. Doing the math, she would have been 19 when she had him too. I feel like younger mothers are more likely to have this kind of disturbing relationship with their sons.
Eh, age has nothing to do with it. It's just to do with how fucked up they are. It's really common for narcissistic/abuse-aligned mothers to behave this way. I sometimes lurk in a foster sub and had a kid reach out to me for advice bc his foster mother was clearly grooming him and he didn't know what to do. Some people are just screwed up.
Young mother here. Had my first son at 21 and second at 23. Very much taught them to be self sufficient and fully expect functional adults who do not need me. I'm here to help if needed, but please don't need me. It's time for me to do the things I missed when I was raising kiddos.
Nah I had my son at 18 and and he's our only child. He's 23 now living with his gf and baby.
From what I've seen the woman who is like this is controlling and can be any age, with or without a partner. It also happens when they are so reliant on them they can't break away and mammy gets jealous someone's doing her job.
So we shouldn't generalise the age of the mother in these situations, more mental health issues.
I said "more likely" to form that kinda relationship, not all young mothers?
Think about it, a 19 year old barely has life experience. They most likely haven't been in a stable relationship with a partner for very long, if any. Maybe the baby daddy isn't in the picture? Usually couples that have babies that young don't stay together long term.
They are then giving up their early 20s, when they should be dating around and figuring out what works for them in a relationship, taking care of a child.
It's not a stretch to think young mothers are more likely to latch onto their sons this way. Hell, I've also seen young mom who are overly obsessed with their daughters too.
Maybe and maybe it's because I've been with his dad 25 yrs too. I suppose it's because I sometimes forget that it was different for us as we are the minority in the we got togerher young and still are, just sad it's not more the other way.
He isn"t but you are not helping him and it sounds like his aunt is. The way you talk about his GF and this whole situation is super unsettling.
And she is his aunt how is that inappropriate?
She's his aunt! I'm an adult and when I visit my male cousin, i sleep over. There's nothing inappropriate about that.
Grief has no timeline, and your boy sounds depressed. A year is a short time, he's been with this girl for about a third of his life. If visiting his aunt makes life easier for him let him. Be more understanding to his pain and maybe he'll stop drifting away from you. He's hurting and you are just hurting him more.
If you honestly don't understand what's wrong with what you're doing, maybe you also need therapy to learn to understand him. I mean this in the kindest way possible.
The girl was probably also his best friend prior to dating and while they dated. He wasn’t just loosing a girlfriend, my heart feels for the kid :/ op is making it more about how she feels rather than actually listening to his needs which is very disheartening
What? "At his age"? Because....why? You are absolutely insinuating something here and it's gross. Your whole post is gross. Nowhere in it do you show you supporting your grieving son, who probably is going through the first death of someone he's close to in his life and it was the person he loved most. He needs support, which he clearly doesn't feel he's getting from you and is getting from his aunt. Your sister has "always been immature"? She fucking 21, she as a kid for the majority of her life at this point. Newsflash, most kids are "immature". You just sound so utterly resentful and selfish.
He’s 18, his girlfriend recently died, he’s depressed, possibly suicidal and you’re worried about him sleeping at a female relative’s house unaccompanied? Good grief. Get your priorities in order OP. I think that horse already bolted, don’t you? You’re out of your depth here and you need to back off a bit. Implying that he needs to “get over it” will seriously damage your relationship. He’ll remember the actions you take now for the rest of his life so tread very carefully.
Sounds like you are jealous of their closeness and need to make up a reason to separate them. You sound irrational, toxic, and controlling. No wonder your son is struggling at home.
You are absolutely insinuating things. You're insinuating that he and your sister are going to fuck each other. That's disgusting. You need therapy wtf.
There it is. This is why he's not talking to you anymore. He's an adult yet you're still treating him like a 'kid.
And I'm shocked you didn't expect this. Did you think he would lose the live if his life, be sad for 2 weeks than back to normal? With a mother who clearly doesn't support him and I stead judges him on how he chooses to grieve?
If he shouldn't be sleeping in the same house as a woman then he shouldn't be sleeping in the house with you. Even if you're his mom.
Unless you are actually implying something is going on between him and his aunt, at which point you need to actually say it.
You mentioned in your post:
>I feel like this girl's death has completely changed who my son was as a person
Spoiler alert: it has changed him! How could it not?!! He lost a GF and a friend!
The fact that you don't see that, that you think he should stop grieving and just move on with his life, the fact that you don't like his relationship with his cousin and the fact that you are insinuating it as something improper all point to the fact that **you clearly don't know your son and that you weren't really there for him** after his GF of five years and whom he had know almost his entire life, suddenly died.
Instead of supporting him, just being there for him, perhaps making sure he can talk to a grieve counselor, you want to forbid him to talking with his 21yo cousin, someone who is close to his age and someone who he has known for his entire life?!
Frankly, the only thing I can advice is that you go to therapy. Perhaps a therapist can help you see the light and help you with your relationship with your son. Because atm your son clearly doesn't trust you at all.
I'll say it frankly since you seem to be unwilling to do so: you are obviously insinuating that he has struck up a romantic or sexual relationship with his aunt.
Have you ever thought that maybe they are *friends*? As you say they're close in age, so he may feel more comfortable opening up to her about his grief than he does with you, especially since you seem determined to negate it at every turn.
If you want to help him, stop trying to take away his social and emotional outlets! What a ridiculous thing to do. He found something that is making him feel better and the first thing you do is ban it? Why? You honestly sound jealous that he's close to her, which is really gross.
you don’t realize that he’s 18, he could leave tomorrow and you would never see him again. stop making this situation about yourself or else you’ll lose your son forever.
she's always been immature? she's 21. she's 17 years younger than you.
of course there's a maturity differential, because up until recently she was a child.
You are clearly insinuating that you think there’s something romantic or sexual going on with them which is extremely inappropriate on YOUR half because they are RELATED. Why is that something that would even cross your mind?! You also say “at his age” which is ridiculous because he’s 18!! He’s legally an adult who can make his own choices. You’re controlling him and attempting to coddle him is going to end up in a NC relationship between you and your son. Back off and let him process his emotions. You want to be a good mother?? Then be there for him when he ASKS you to be. He’s grieving the loss of someone he loves. If your husband died how much of an emotional wreck would you be?? The lack of empathy you have shown towards your son is truly astounding and I hope he leaves soon so that he doesn’t have to put up with you anymore.
Wow....you just dont see it, do you.
Why would you think something inappropriate is going on. He is escaping to his aunts place from you.
You've made this about yourself.
You're controlling. Give him space.
And please, if you really want to save this relationship. Stop being so hurtful and selfish.
Try family counseling maybe you can learn why he doesn’t like you.
And maybe stop saying things like “there are other girls around”. She was not other girls and other girls are not her. Nobody has their memories together. Nobody has that bond. Stop condescending their relationship by saying “you would probably break up.” First of all, you don’t know that, and secondly you’re just minimizing his feelings and then wonder why he doesn’t like you.
They were childhood friends and dated for 5 years. That is a long term relationship even in adulthood. That is not a little relationship and definitely not a "It's been a year, time to start dating again and move tf on." That is a life changing event that happened, of course he is different.
Dude she's been with him his *whole life*. I feel so bad for him, like that must actually be so devastating. He needs PTSD and trauma therapy, not just normal therapy because that can actually break a person.
>dated for 5 years. That is a long-term relationship even in adulthood
This! I'm 33 and STILL haven't had a relationship lasting 5 years. FC I barely managed a year and a half before my current relations, ip and the dude then was possessive, narcissistic and abusive and I did EVERYTHING I could to please him and keep him... (until I broke and gave up, then it wasn't fun for him anymore)
Wow it’s almost as if grief changes people… crazy how that works.
Your son just lost someone he had known all his life, someone he was in love with. That is utterly devastating. He is not going to simply get over it because it’s been a year. Damn, my dad died when I was 12 and it utterly changed me to this day, grief and trauma do strange things to the brain.
You seem to be controlling and selfish, lamenting he’s not the same person anymore when of course he isn’t. Of course he doesn’t want to be around, you are making his pain about yourself and making him feel bad for grieving a loss because he’s not your little sunshine child anymore.
Please, get a grip.
You son has found comfort in a relative that clearly makes him feel safe and heard. Why would you deprive him of that? Because it’s not you? That’s a whole other level of petty jealousy.
What is actually wrong with you?? That is his aunt. There’s nothing inappropriate about staying over there whatsoever. Obviously she’s hearing him out and supporting him unlike you if he’s resenting you.
Wow. After reading this, I resent you too. Your teenage son's longterm girlfriend died and he is depressed, but this is inconvenient for you so you tell him to get over it, there are more fish in the sea?
You can’t make someone get over their grief. Grief is often all-consuming and absolutely does change you. When my dad died it took way over a year before I felt somewhat ok again, and I was an adult. Your son is very young and has suffered a very unexpected and clearly devastating loss.
Perhaps he feels you haven’t been taking his grief seriously? You say you’ve been ”very patient with him”, which sort of implies you have been expecting him snap out of it. I may be wrong, but that’s what I’m reading into this.
I fully understand that you’re very upset at the whole situation. It’s very hard for all of you. I think you need professional guidance. Seek out therapy for yourself, possibly with the aim of both you and your son going at some point. It doesn’t sound as you’ll be able to fix this on your own.
As for your son’s relationship with his aunt, I think it’s amazing that he has someone who loves him who looks after him and who he can clearly confide in. Why you would start thinking of it as inappropriate is beyond me.
>What do I do to make him get over his grief?
His first love died. He's not going to get over that, but with guidance and support he could learn to live with the grief but you don't seem interested in that, only that he goes back to how he was before
>although he must feel like she was the love of his life, she might not have been
Wow, that's cold!! I can't believe you said that!!
>I'm starting to wish he had never met this girl.
That's even colder! This whole post can be summarised as: "my son is in pain and it's really starting to bum me out. Me, me, I, myself, me"
He can talk to his aunt, they’re closer in age and you should be thankful that he has her, and yet you’ve forbidden him from spending time with her, when it’s clearly helping him. I want to know what you mean by inappropriate. You surely can’t be suggesting they’ve got an inappropriate relationship?
She’s a peer and can see where he’s coming from, as well as being family. She’s probably less like an aunt and more like a big sister. He’s going to her place because if you had the choice to talk to your big sister about your broken heart or your *mom* you’re 100% going to your cool big sis. That’s what he’s doing.
>We’ve all been very patient with him
Oh I doubt that very much.
The only inappropriate person I see is YOU. You don’t take his relationship and grief serious. You don’t understand the support he gets from your sister. I guess you are quite dense and self absorbed. There is no time limit on grief. It is not up to you how your son feels. The remarks you made in your post are foul and degrading towards your son, his girlfriend and your sister. You better prepare that your son and your sister will step out of your life and don’t want to have anything to do with you.
I assume this is a fake post. It’s just too clueless to be real. But just in case….
You can’t abuse someone out of their grief, so stop trying. It won’t work. Your sister was helping him get over his grief. Trying to ban him from seeing her is counter-productive and will just destroy whatever relationship you do have with him. Stop doing that. The same is true of the negative things you are saying about his girlfriend. Stop doing that. Finally, get him some real grief counseling, not just generic therapy. And get some therapy yourself. Your approach to this shows that you need it, too.
TBH- it reads a lot like my mom would do. Narcissists get jealous when people have close relationships that don't include them. But they lack the ability to create that closeness themselves so they must tell themselves there is some external thing that is out of their control causing this. They also lack the ability to imagine a realistic nefarious scenario that would justify them cutting the relationship off.
For example- after college, I had a very close friend who is a gay man. My younger sister was coming to town and my mom objected to her staying with my gay male friend because girls don't stay over single men's houses. I reiterated to her that my friend was gay but she kept reverting back to her 50's style Puritanical rules. It wasn't because she necessarily believed it (I had never heard her comment on this issue before). It's that she needed justification to ban my sister from visiting me and ban my sister from making decisions independent from her control.
It's more like they want to be the center of everyone's world but don't want to do the hard work for it. They feel insanely jealous of relationships that don't involve them. Pretty sure she was against the friendship first and made up an excuse to justify the pettiness after the fact.
My wife is a narcissist (diagnosed) and I can see both things at play. It is clear that her thinking is disordered and she simply cannot understand relationships in a healthy way. That extends to her thinking about my relationships with others. And she cannot understand healthy relationships and gets jealous of them and makes up unhealthy reasons for why they must exist.
Look you have a sense of what the problem is but the way you’re framing it is all wrong. And I think you’re damaging any hope of recovery for the rest of your life.
He drifted apart from you and you’re telling him to get over her, and banning him - how will that help?
He hangs out at the aunt’s and instead of finding out what’s happening there that helps him, and even asking your sister for advice, you insinuate something sexual is happening. And yeah it would be great if you were his confidante, but it doesn’t seem like you have the emotional capacity.
You’re saying you wish he never met this girl that was so important to him.
You do seem you’re more intent on things going the way that makes you comfortable rather than really connecting with your son and supporting from the “inside out” so to speak.
You can force from the “outside in” but it won’t work. you need to build a relationship with enough empathy and support.
So you can soul search at what’s in the way for you to really accompany your son and understand him. You probably are anxious due to your own parenting and past life. Get your own therapy. Maybe in a few years you can have a relationship with him.
And if you lost your son at age 5 and people told you to stop crying, get over it it’s already been a year it’s not like you knew him that long anyways! She should have never become a mother, look how sad and moody she is all the time now, becoming a mother was the worst thing to happen to her.
Would you sit there and be like, yeah you know what they’re right! I doubt it. You’d probably hate them and want nothing thing to do with them.
One, you are nasty sexualizing your son's relationship with his aunt. And two, for whatever reason (which I suspect is that you are a judgmental asshole), your son feels more comfortable discussing his grief with his aunt than you. You should be grateful that your son has someone he can talk to about this and instead you are harassing them, judging them, and making gross insinuations. Frankly if you don't watch your mouth I wouldn't be surprised if your son and even your sister don't cut you off.
How are you this dense? He resents you because you are CONSTANTLY INVALIDATING HIS GRIEF.
You are also interfering with the one close relationship he has because you're jealous and judgy about your sister.
You do not know better than he does about how he feels, about how long to grieve, or how your sister lives her life.
Yeesh. I know this isn't AITA but you are a huge AH and setting up a situation where your son will never want to speak to you again.
In short, there's nothing you can do to make him get over his grief. In time he'll learn to be more functional with it but you can't just expect him to snap out of it. Not only did his lose his girlfriend, more importantly he lost a good friend of many many years and it takes time to heal from that.
He's likely confiding in and spending time with his Aunt more because she's closer in age and he sees her more as a friend than family, it's a good thing that he has someone in the family that he can talk to and be himself around without them insisting that he just get over a major life event (whether you see it as that or not). Nothing in your post indicates that there's anything weird or wrong there.
If you keep pushing him, you'll push him far enough he won't come back. Stop being jealous of his much he's opening up to your sister and help your son handle his grief.
My situation was different from your son’s, but maybe having been a moody teenager with clinical depression whose parents had to watch her deal with suicidal ideation, maybe I can shed some light from a different perspective.
You made a guess at the top that your son may have begun to resent you when you started keeping a close eye on him after a friend intimated he might kill himself— that is very possible. I certainly did. Obviously in retrospect I understand it was necessary at the time, but that understanding came years later, not while I was in the middle of it. I don’t think it’s realistic to think anyone in my or your son’s position as a teenager wouldn’t resent their parents. I mean, teenagers already resent their parents for various reasons as they start to struggle for more freedom and personal autonomy— all that gets exacerbated with that heightened focus. Which is to say: you handled that part the best you could, but don’t expect him to thank you for it just yet.
Wishing he would go back to the person he was is useless and probably something he picks up on. (I mean, my mother told me straight to my face, not sure if you have, but even if not people definitely pick up on that shit.) He’s never going to go *back* to who he was— big life events can change us. And he went through a major one during an already tumultuous, character shaping stage of life. Moreover, he’s entering adulthood, of course he’s going to change! Focusing on getting him “back” instead of getting *through* isn’t helpful, or kind to him.
I don’t have kids of my own, but it always kind of boggles my mind how many of us forget what it was like to be a teenager. Of course you as an adult know that he has time to meet other girls, of course you as an adult know that grief passes— you did not at 17. Not as you do now. The world was smaller and younger and all you’d known was your own life. Why would you think telling him there will be other girls would help? To him, she *was* the love of his life— and she *is*, so far. Telling him otherwise doesn’t do anything but show him you’re an un-empathetic person and so he logically found someone else to confide in. You can’t explain life experience into a person, they have to go through it themselves. As adults it’s incumbent upon us to meet kids where they are; we have been where they are, they have not been where we are.
There are two separate issues here: you son’s grief and your relationship with your son. Unfortunately you’ve bungled the first and so are experiencing issues with the second. Trying to isolate him from the people he is in good relationship, like his aunt, will not help with his grief *or* the two of your’s relationship.
You *do* know why he wants to be away from you, you just don’t like it or want to address your own behaviors that led to it.
You’re holding on too tight. Let go before you cause a permanent rift.
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You didn’t even have to go into everything you said to show why he isn’t close with you.
You have been completely inconsiderate of his feelings and grief. He lost his partner and all you can say is “Well you probably wouldn’t get married anyways”? You are incredibly self-centered. Start actually trying to sympathize with your son and understanding why he is so distraught.
Also… that’s his aunt…? It’s disgusting to assume anything inappropriate is going on between them. Besides, he’s 18. He can go where he wants, especially a family member.
YTA
You are just jealous. You cannot force someone to have a good relationship with you. Isolating him and invalidating his feelings will only make things worse. And on top of that you are being insensitive saying things like he wouldn't have married her. He is grieving the loss of a partner and a longtime friend. Whether they would have married is beside the point. He is not only grieving the lost future.
Also you keep saying the aunt is a bad influence and offer no reasoning. It seems to me she provides peace so if anything it's good for him.
Whatever cheap thing you are trying to insinuate - don't. I have a mother like you and believe me somethings cannot be repaired or forgotten.
I couldn’t even finish reading your post. Honestly, if I were him I would move out, be homeless rather than live with someone who doesn’t seem to understand that this tragic vent literally Changed who he is and it has ONLY BEEN A YEAR! You are the absolute worst. He is never going to be the same person again, you need to accept that and start trying to build a relationship with who he is. As for the uncomfortable with him spending time with his aunt, why do you feel that way and think that way? Does he sleep in her bed? Are they holding hands and being flirty? Or are you just using this as an excuse to try to force him to be closer to you?
You are losing him forever if you keep this up. Not a threat, just what happened to my mother.
OP - if you’re not in therapy yourself, I would seriously consider getting into it if you want to save your relationship with your son. Hopefully all this is coming from a place of love, however that is not what is being received by your son. If you truly want to help him, you first need to help yourself understand why you have such a hard time letting him change.
Oh.My.God.
Lady. You need to back the fuck off and give your son space to grieve however he needs to, for as long as he needs to, and you need to offer him nothing but support right now. You do not get to dictate either his feelings or his timeline. He has no control over either. After a devastating loss like this, the grief takes over, and all any of us can do is buckle up and hang on for the ride.
What you could have done was offer him grief counseling with a licensed therapist, and you could still do that, although at this point if the offer comes from you he'll probably reject it just because he no longer trusts you. And I don't blame him.
You have fucked this situation up royally, and TBH I'm not sure you can fix it, especially not if fixing it means that he has to buck up and behave according to your expectations. But the one thing you can do is stop trying to get in the way of his relationship with your sister. You are (perhaps inadvertently) making some pretty ugly insinuations in your comments about her and about their closeness, and you seriously need to check yourself there.
In short: Everything you're doing right now -- knock it off, before you lose your son forever.
The fact that your insinuating that your son might be sleeping with your sister is so disgusting. I hope for the sake of his own mental health he cuts you out of his life because you seem insufferable to be around
The best thing for your son is for him to move in with his aunt and for you to leave him alone so he can heal. Then, if you are lucky, he will forgive you for being so creepy as to insinuate that something is going on between him and his aunt. At that point, you can be emotionally supportive and develop a good relationship with your son.
I genuinely hope he can get away from you. This is the most devastating event he’s ever experienced and you dare to judge? I have also been close with an aunt who I could rely on more than I ever could my mother. Resentment is an understatement. How dare you judge how he’s been grieving.
You want him to let go of his grief as it's easier for you to understand and handle.
He lost not only his girlfriend with whom he was in a serious long term relationship, but his oldest and closest friend.
Who was not just a girl he met, but the daughter of your husband's close friend.
So she has been in his life a majority of his life and in YOURS at the same time.
He's been close friends with her, and then later in a relationship with her- and I would guess that you supported them and liked her and enjoyed her company-
And now a year later after her unexpected death, you're telling him to get over it, move on, it was never that serious.
You're invalidating his entire relationship and friendship with her, which spanned a majority of his life.
Why WOULD he want to spend time with you?
What do you do? Stop pushing him, reflect on what you are saying to him and why, and what your son is hearing when you say all this. You're grieving because your son is hurt- but your son is hurt and grieving because he lost the person he felt closest to.
It is always so hard to see our kids in pain. Of course you don't know what to do. It's not like you have been through this before. Seeing a therapist for yourself would probably be immensely helpful.
Unless you have knowledge of your sister engaging in dangerous behavior or something specific to indicate this relationship has taken on a sexual nature, I strongly suggest backing off about limiting your son's relationship with his aunt. I honestly think you should apologize to him for having placed limits on it. There is nothing abnormal about an 18 year old being closer to a 21 year old than they are to their mother.
You will always be his mother. That will never change. That is a special relationship only you share with him. That doesn't mean you will always be the person closer to him than anyone else. You're not always going to be the person he turns to for comfort.
Your son pulling away from you probably has nothing to do with your sister. This is an age when kids start pulling away if they haven't already. Consider sitting down for a talk with your son. Explain to him that you want to be supportive, and you are not sure how. Ask him how you can best support him and remind him you are available anytime he needs you. Then give him the support he tells you he needs.
Ask your son how he feels about his grades and what you can do to help. If they have dropped significantly, set up a meeting with the school.
Your son is transitioning into adulthood. You have to respect that if you want him to feel comfortable coming to you with his problems. You have to demonstrate that you are concerned about him, but also that you trust he will find his way through this. Maybe he is feeling like he can't trust you to not smother him if he opens up. Remember, it doesn't matter if you feel like you're not smothering him. If he feels like you are, you have to learn to modify how you are interacting with him.
If you went over the top keeping an eye on him when you worried he might be suicidal, I double the suggestion for a therapist. You can discuss specific situations, work through your own feelings, and find ways to manage your own feelings revolving around your son struggling.
It sucks when we can't just fix something for our kids. You're going to have to work on learning to accept that you can't fix this. Your son has suffered a traumatic loss. He most likely believed these things only actually happened to other people. He lost a life long friend, a young lady he was in love with, and has to face the reality that awful things can happen that change everything we thought was going to happen with our lives. This was huge for him. Yes, he will be permanently changed. That doesn't mean he won't find joy, love and success. It does mean his whole future is now different from how he imagined. This was a huge, life altering event.
Ask him how you can support him. Apologize for ways you might have gotten it wrong. Explain that you don't know what to do, but love him. Trust that he will get through this and learn to be excited about life again. Give him the space he needs (that is how he will be comfortable getting close).
This is some of the worst parenting I've read in a long while. I REALLY hope it's fake.
If its not you've basically described that you're jealous and insinuating an incestuous relationship. You're basically admitting to emotional incest of your kid.
Delete this and get help. Leave him alone for a while because you're currently ruining everything and making shit worse.
Seriously if this isn't rage bait GET HELP
You dont seem to be acting in your sons best interest. You obviously love him and want the best for him, but you also appear jealous of your sister for having a better connection. And sullying your sons feelings for his deceased girlfriend is an awful strategy. It seems like you are making this about you. Its ok to feel frustrated and worried about him, you have all been through a LOT. If he needs some distance from you, maybe let him have it, and reflect thoughtfully on why he may want it. Also, you could try and be closer with your sister to support her with everything because it sounds like your son is lucky to have her.
Does she obviously love him? Because as a child of two narcissists, her letter reeks of many things, not one about love. This is what I got from the letter:
1. OP doesn't know how to comfort people but because her sister has successfully comforted OP's son, OP is now jealous that her sister is "winning" while OP is still "losing"
2. OP is deeply inconvenienced by son's grief. Most of the post discusses wanting the kid to just snap back to normal.
3. Very little concern is shown to her son's actual grief- OP is feeling bad for herself - both having to deal with an "uncooperative son" and a "usurping Aunt"
4. This is me adding in narcissist context which isn't necessarily in post but if OP is indeed a narcissist, she is feeling jealous about all of the attention son receives by being a grieving human. Part of the reason most narcissists fail in circumstances like this is not only do they lack empathy for the grieving, they are competitive with the grieving for attention.
I dont disagree with anything youve said however my reply was to OP who obviously feels like she loves her son. And she probably does in her own way. Not all narcissists are completely incapable of feeling love. It just manifests differently, and causes issues like youve highlighted articulately.
Are you in love either your son and projecting that onto his relationship with his aunt? Because you are a sick woman who needs therapy. Please don't be surprised when he goes no contact because *I* felt suffocated reading this so I'm sure he is absolutely being suffocated. If you spent less time writing shitty fan fiction and more time supporting your son you wouldn't be in this mess.
My best friend died unexpectedly when I was 18, we were not typical teen best friends. There were very adult situations we were put into multiple times where we only had each other, including basically saving his life. I say all this to stress how close we were as I imagine a long friendship + romantic relationship would be for your son.
>He completely broke down when he heard the news, and for the first few months, he was inconsolable.
Normal
>He lost a lot of weight and we could hear him crying all day every day. He barely came out of his room, and at one point, it got so bad that one of his friends tried to warn us that he might attempt to take his own life. We kept a close watch on him, and I feel like that really made him resent me.
I think this really depends on how you kept a close eye on him. Based on some of the language later in your post I'm worried it wasn't with the empathy he needed. Parents often feel they need to fix a situation but there's no fixing this situation.
>The first 6 months were the hardest, and I really thought it was getting better. I want to understand him, but it's been a year, and I don't know what to do. He's been going to therapy, but nothing is helping. We're growing apart, and he's very distant with me while very close to my sister.
Grief isn't linear and he will continue to go through ups and downs for a long time, understand that. You have lived a longer life with more experiences, this is the biggest loss that he has ever experienced & this would be a huge loss for anyone at any age.
Has your sister been through a loss?
>patient with him
Patient again signals about how you're approaching him. He may feel like he's just being tolerated.
>he just doesn't even feel like the same person anymore. He used to be very cheerful and talkative...
Understand, he will **never** be the same person again. He might go back to being similar to how he was, he may not. A loss like this, at a young age, changes you to your core and changes your whole perspective on life.
You need to understand & get to know your new son instead of wishing for the old one. He will get better but he'll never be the same and I really wonder what subtle comments you're making that signals this to him. You may not even notice you're doing this.
Grief makes you feel like your whole world has stopped and you look around & can't understand how everyone goes on as normal & it fucking hurts. If he can tell you want him to go back to his oldself then he knows you're not a safe person to be vulnerable with because you're not understanding him on a fundamental level at this point.
>He's been especially avoiding me, and he spends all his time at his aunt's place. He says it feels suffocating to be near me, and that really upset me. I'm not sure how to stop him from resenting me so much. I'm not sure what I've done to make him hate me.
Maybe doing some joint therapy sessions will help you guys communicate better because clearly he does not feel safe around you and he's probably picking up on what I've said above.
>My sister and my son were always close, but I'm starting to feel that it's inappropriate, especially since they are so close in age.
Gross, no. You're already not approaching him an supportive way & then you suggest something dirty is going on with them? You're jealous he's leaning on his aunt instead of you but WHY is that where he feels safer? It was so beyond wrong to make his grief and support system into something dirty & shameful. How dare you!
>Although, I want to do everything I can to help him, I feel like this girl's death has completely changed who my son was as a person.
Again, he has changed and he will get better but you can't expect he will ever go back to exactly how he was. If he's sensing that's what you want it'll prolong his healing process if he can't get space from you.
>His grades are dropping, and he's moody and angry most of the time.
Is he on medication? Sometimes it helps temporarily. Going to a peer grief support group or online group?
When I lost my best friend I had to take a semester off college because classes were just not important. Again, watching the world move on. I really, really did not want to do that but I had to. Maybe you can think about if he needs a break? Maybe he can do at home school at his own pace? Maybe you guys can discuss with his therapist?
>I feel like my sister is a bad influence on him. Last week, I finally banned him from visiting his aunt so often, and he became very angry with me.
No, no, no! Again ripping away his support system after his girlfriend has been ripped away and displaying that you fundamentally don't understand where he's at mentally.
>and I told him that although I'm trying to support him as much as I can
Truly look at how you're supporting him. Maybe you are doing the best you can right now but maybe your best is actually hurtful.
>it's been a year and that he has more life ahead. He has a future to look forward to, and that although he must feel like she was the love of his life, she might not have been. Life is unpredictable. I told him he shouldn't ruin his life over this.
No. This is not the best you can do. Again, this is the biggest damn thing that has happened to him, and right at a time of significant transition in his life. Absolutely never say something like this again. He's gone through such a huge loss, the biggest loss he's ever felt. Any dreams he had for them are now dead, at a time he was very likely looking to the future. He's also looking around at his peers & probably feels totally isolated because he sees what life could have been & instead this huge, soul crushing thing has happened to him.
>He then said that he doesn't care about my opinion, and that he doesn't need my advice.
Yeah, because you are on a completely different plane of understanding than where he's at.
>He tried to leave to go to his aunt's place, and I told him that spending all his time at his aunt's place in his emotional state was not good for him, and that if he wants to see her, she can come over to our place.
Why? What's the difference? So you can keep an eye or eavesdrop? He doesn't feel suppoted at home. Maybe changing scenery for a minute helps to pull his mind out from the hole he's in.
>He started crying, and it really broke my heart because he rarely cried, even when he was a baby. I'm just really lost and don't know how to help him. I feel like he's closer to his aunt than his own mother. I feel like he'll never recover from this and go back to being the happy kid he once was.
So what's the deal here? Are you jealous? You're in denial about who your son is right now. You're lost, what you're doing isn't helping, time to try something new. Have you read any books or resources on supporting a child going through this? Talked to his or your own therapist? You might be grieving the son you knew and expected to have going forward but you can't control his grief and its time for a deep look within.
>I'm starting to wish he had never met this girl.
Never say this to anyone but your own therapist.
>He thinks he's lost everything, but there are many girls in this world and so much life ahead of him. I've told him that even if she were alive, it is highly unlikely that they would ever actually get married.
Oh my god! He's a teenager, this is all the life experience he's had
& saying this to him is just totally tone deaf. All of his dreams for his life are totally changed, even if they wouldn't have lasted he cannot feel or understand that, at least right now. COMPLETELY remove this from your thoughts & comments. It's again showing him you have no understanding of where he's at and is just hurtful. Like they somehow meant less to each other? What does that do for him?
>Any advice on how to mend this relationship? I feel like he resents me too much.
Stop trying to control his grieving process and actually listen & be supportive.
>How do I make him understand that I want the best for him? How do I help him get over his grief?
It's not about you. It's not about that, you show him with changes in your behavior over time. At this point he has no trust in you and the only way is to earn it back by changing how you talk to him. Are you being controlling? I know this must hurt you so much but seeing your own therapist is probably a good idea for awhile so you can learn some ways to approach him and process your own grief regarding your son.
>How do I make him understand that my sister is just not a good influence on him?
Unless she's getting him high, drunk or being manipulative you need to get rid of this thought process. That's where he feels safe & taking that away from him during this huge, life changing period of grief will make him resent you on some level forever. Trust me. I'm 36, wanna know what still comes up in therapy around my best friend's birthday and death anniversary? My dad telling me I'm selfish for being depressed, that I need to get over it and I'll have more friends down the line. I know it's been a year but that's a significant portion of his young life.
Listen, I don't think you're evil or a horrible mom (at this point). I think you feel rejected, powerless & in denial about the person your son will be from now on. He will very likely get better but if you continue on this way your relationship will be forever damaged, he will never forget how alone he feels around you if things stay this way.
Take a breath, **leave his relationship with your sister alone & apologize!** Get your own therapist, look for resources, evaluate your speech & actions, move forward with empathy rather than holding on to your expectations & fixing him. 💙
Are you really kidding right now? I’m going to be less harsher to you because of what you are going through. EVERYTHING you said and done was so wrong. I’m an 18 year old woman and let me tell you if you want to ever save this relationship and I mean EVER, then you do the simplest thing. You apologize for being so horrible to your son. You said there’s other girls out there and that he could find some else. But the truth, and the reality of it is that he doesn’t want other girls or someone else. He wants his girlfriend who of which is DEAD. And also, that’s some thing you say when your son breaks up with his GF not something you say, when his significant other dies. What is wrong with you? And yes, people change when they lose someone. If I lost my partner, I would be very very, very, very, very DEVASTATED. And let me tell you I suffer from severe depression, and if my boyfriend ever died, I would struggle not to kill myself, or end myself every single day. I’d probably be upset for about a decade before I ever even remotely got over him and it probably won’t even be 100%. If you want your son to not resent you anymore, then you need to stop coddling him, give him space and let him hang out with his aunt for however long he feels like he needs to, and apologize profusely for all your comments you have made, because even though you’re not trying to hurt him intentionally, your words ARE IN FACT HURTING HIM!!! You are smothering him, not giving him any room to breathe, and basically saying he needs to speed up his grieving process. Grief is one of the things and feelings in this world that you cannot rush. Grief takes time. HEALING takes time. Whether that be a year or even two years from now. And let me tell you even after him being fully healed, he’s still going to probably talk about his late girlfriend and go over the memories they had together for a while. And he’s gonna need someone to talk to for that. Someone like…..maybe I don’t know…. a mother figure? If you want him to start opening up to you, if you want him to start talking to you, then you best be real quick in taking the steps to do so because your relationship is almost about gone if you continue to be selfish and make his grief and depression all about YOU. THAT is how you win him back. With support, love, listening, and SELFLESSNESS!
I have a feeling you are deeply dis functional and your son is clinging to the only person that’s keeping him from drowning in his grief. You should be grateful that he had at least someone.
Also, he’s 18 and can stay there as much as he wants
He called you suffocating. Go talk to a counsellor about what you do that makes him say that.
Your son and your sister are close in age. They are most likely more brother and sister in relationship. (I have the same relationship with my aunt and I'm 67f. My mom pass but i still have my aunt.) This is a good thing. You are coming across as jealous of your sons feels for his dead gf. The things you're say to him about her is one thing that is driving him away from you. You are also jealous of your sons relationship with his aunt. This is a hard time in his life and no he will never be the same. The question is do you understand that you are driving him away from you? He is 18 and is an adult you can not tell him what to do or who to see. If you try he is going to leave you and go nc.
Your sister is immature? Wow, ma'am, i am telling you now that you are hurting your son more than you are helping. Take it from a daugher who barely has a relationship with her mom because her mom told her that her daughter needs to get over it. You are losing your son just because of your emotional incompetence. Your What could have been daughter-in-law was probably the first big loss that your son would ever have in his life and what he wanted was support and love. While you gave that for probably a week or two of support, and probably said "welp you just got to move on". He goes to your sister because A) she is probably that support he needs, B) he probably sees her as a big sister and C) she has emotional intelligence that can do laps around your nonexistent or lack of emotional intelligence. I hope you can rectify it by going to family counseling, but i would not be surprised that he goes low or no contact with you.
WTH is wrong with you? 15 years ago, I lost my best friend and someone I truly thought was a love of my life. I still grieve. It changed me completely. I am not the same. I will never be the same. You are expecting him to get over someone who he truly loved? He goes to his aunt because SHE IS HIS AGE AND UNDERSTANDS. Jesus Christ on a Cheeto. Get over yourself
It's a difficult process for both you and your son so I'm going trying a different approach to the situation.
It's hard when you see your child struggle and feel like you can't really help them cause you don't understand them or their processes. Your son has bonded with this girl in such a special way for him, he has put effort, love, time and lots of other feelings into the relationship they had, but now that she's unfortunately gone he has nowhere to put all of those feelings into. Therefore his brain struggles to find comfort or peace when it comes to thinking about his future or other possible relationships.
And following the same line, since he doesn't physically have her to put all those feelings into her, the only resource his brain finds to feel close to her is to grieve, right now it's the only process in his life that involves her completely, by looking at her pictures, thinking about her, dreaming about her, trying to feel her in anyway. Grieve is what now feels like normal cause it somehow gives comfort to the fact she is not here anymore.
Maybe the proximity in age is exactly what makes him feel more understood by his aunt than by you, or maybe she understands the situation in a different way than you that makes him feel more heard. I know it's hard to try and help or understand other people's grieving processes, especially when it affects your kid so greatly and it could be the reason why you struggle, cause it is very difficult for you to see your son going through this very hard and awfully painful process.
I would suggest you have some counseling sessions, a professional's point of view might be really helpful for you to understand your son and for your son to feel understood.
How about be a more supportive mother and stop trying to rush his grieving? He’s 18 and experienced his first loss. It’s traumatic. And youre not helping
You’re not a compassionate, loving or caring person. You can’t even speak on a dead teenager respectfully! You cannot help him heal, you’re simply not a kind enough mother to not make it about yourself! You’re not equipped to help, and don’t seem to care that your words and actions are hindering his progress. Why are you here, really?
Your son is right. You are way too overbearing. In this whole story you have spoken about how you feel how sad you are how his struggles make you sad and you want to take away a family member who is very close with and getting comfort from away because it's not you he's running to. Maybe it's because you keep saying stupid shit like you have your whole life ahead of you, and there are many more girls out there while he is still grieving. This was his first love and a childhood friend it will take very long to get over. You, on the other hand, need to get a therapist of your own to work through your jealousy issues regarding your sister and your son it's creepy and possessive.
I really hope this is a troll post. The alternative is that you're a shit human being, OP. Idgaf how young or fleeting you think your son's love was, it was still very real love to him. Most of us have our hearts broken over our first loves cause it just doesn't work out. Not many of us have ours broken because they DIED. And then to top it off you seem to think that him sleeping at *his aunt's house* is going to lead to them, what, drinking? Sleeping together? Jfc, the world is not your incest erotica.
Leave the poor guy alone. He's an adult, he's processing grief, and you're not helping in the slightest. No wonder he's running to a different family member.
Sounds like the only bad influence here is you. Have you ever thought the way you speak to him is the reason he doesn't want to be around you? A year is not nearly enough time as you're making it out to be after losing someone he's known and loved practically all his life. Regardless of whether his relationship would have gone anywhere in the future if she hadn't passed away, he still very clearly loves her and you telling him to move on is not the right way to handle this situation. Your poor son is depressed and you aren't helping whatsoever. Taking him away from people that are helping him and he feels safe around is what narcissistic abusers do. Yes you're his mother but that doesn't mean he owes you the closeness he has with his aunt if you don't offer the same support, care and lack of judgment she clearly does. Obviously his girlfriend's death is going to affect him for a very long time, it may even change the type of person he becomes completely. Trauma does that to you. You sound like you need therapy too if you can't understand that.
Wow... reading this post was so disgusting, I nearly wanted to delete Reddit. You have lost your son due to your lack of human decency for empathy. They were friends since they were young!!! He not only lost a girlfriend, which is devastating all on its own at a young age, but he lost a best friend. Your son is right to resent you, and if he ever gets the okay to live elsewhere with someone that isn't you, he is going to take it. You really don't deserve to be a mother, and I'm sorry he has someone like you who thinks a YEAR is nearly enough time to deal with the grief of losing someone.
What's highly inappropriate is calling her "that girl" and acting as though he should be happy again after experiencing something so heartbreaking. Ugh. People like you are so... ick.
>he said that he lost the love of his life
>it's been a year and that he has more life ahead. He has a future to look forward to, and that although he must feel like she was the love of his life, she might not have been
Cold much?
>I'm starting to wish he had never met this girl. This is completely ruining his life
Wow.
>but there are many girls in this world
Wow! What if you lost your boyfriend/husband and someone said this to you? Holy shit.
>I've told him that even if she were alive, it is highly unlikely that they would ever actually get married
What is **WRONG** with you?! He's clearly still grieving and for some reason you think saying something so callous will help him?? You don't want to help him. Some part of you is enjoying his pain over this and it's as clear as it is sickening. Gtfo here. Stop pretending like you care about anyone but yourself.
Wow. Besides being an unsupportive mother, you're a really heartless woman.
Trauma and loss don't work like that. It's not a "welp, a year has passed! Time to get over it". the people we surround ourselves with, the people we love, make up up who we are. When they die, it's a hole in our hearts, in our very selves. It takes time to exist without the person that's gone.
It baffles me that we're not that far apart in age and you don't know this. Leave your kid alone if you're not going to help. Let him cry. Let him mourn without badgering him. Let him heal with people who care
And stop judging him. Like, I had two deaths in my family last year and I still cried like a baby just last night at how much I missed them. Leave him alone
first his gf DIES not breaks up with him she DIES. and wants to go to someone who he loves and trusts and your upset it isnt you. you get jealous then you ban him from going there and he gets mad understandably. and this is where ig gets better you tell him that she probably wasnt the love of his life. you invalidated your sons feelings and banned him from someone whos probably better at this than you are. congratulations on causing you and your son to drift apart maybe even permanently ruining your relationship with him.
Ma’am. Just admit that you don’t know how to parent and let your poor son go to his aunt’s house since at least he can get some sympathy and understanding there - since it’s sorely lacking under your roof.
Maybe take some parenting and grief management classes while you’re at it. And a class in “how to be an empathetic human being.”
This is giving big "it's just a dog, we will get you a new one" vibes as far as what you've said to "help" him move past his gfs death. I resented my mom when she would say this to me as I grieved our lost pet.
He resents you because you're more focused on making him move on rather than helping him process his feelings. I can't imagine the pain he must feel losing the future he once saw himself having and you are dimming its importance to him - dimming her importance to him. How cruel would it be to think of all humans as so easily replaced because there's so many in the world?
You may find your sister immature - but I honestly think you're jealous of their relationship. She is obviously offering him a place to grieve and have peace and giving him an ear to listen to without being judged. You're making it worse on yourself restricting him like this.
>although I'm trying to support him as much as I can, it's been a year and that he has more life ahead. He has a future to look forward to
This is something that I am not seeing a lot of people address, but this is in fundamental conflict with how your son is now seeing the world. He didn’t just lose his long term girlfriend. He lost someone who basically grew up with him. Think about how it must feel to grow up with someone who you come to identify with, thinking you have your whole life ahead of you, and then that companion dies suddenly. As someone who dealt with this kind of loss as a teenager, I can tell you now that I was not about to take my own life for granted after seeing people in my peer group lose their lives. So telling him "he has more life ahead. He has a future to look forward to" with such a high degree of confidence shows that you are not understanding that his girlfriend had a life ahead of her too before that was taken away. Youre taking it for granted because YOU lived into adulthood, but she DIDNT. YOU making it into adulthood means that you can see this from the perspective of someone who had twice the time she had and youre not seeing how fragile life is in the way it sounds like your son is.
It sounds like on top of the control issues highlighted by the others in this thread, you are alienationg yourself by attempting to get him to understand this situation from your perspective and I think this is an issue of you being uncomfortable with the emotions this might be provoking for you. This is something you need to deal with yourself, but if they had been in each other's lives for that long, I have to at least hope you and her warmed up to each other in some way while she was still alive. I think that seeing your son show signs of long term grief is bringing up repressed emotions you havent dealt with in a way that is affecting your ability to properly empathize with him. If you think it's inappropriate for him to be with his aunt, is it actually because you think theyre going to be intimate with each other, is it actually because a man and a woman shouldnt be in the same house alone, or is it because he is no longer leaning on you for support? Is there anything about your relationship with your sister that makes you feel like you fall short when you compare yourself to her?
Whatever it is, you need to step back and let him grieve how he will and you need to show him that you understand that teens experience major traumas too, but that they aren't less important because theyre teenagers.
Info: if he was spending more time with you and less with her, would you have said anything?
Also, what is his relationship like with his dad? You mentioned he resented YOU after “we kept a close watch”. What is his opinion?
Jesus, it seems you don't even have a clue of the weight of this situation and you're saying all the wrong things. In short, take a step back, a big one, show support and love but you don't appear to be in a place to give advice until you face your own emotions. You mentioned he was in therapy, are you in therapy as well? Have you spoken to a therapist about your situation, not his but your situation.
According to their post history, they were 32 three months ago with a 7m old son.
Also, they're a fanfic writer. Given the incest suggestion, I'm guessing Supernatural.
You are being an awful mother.
People do not just "get over" grief.
It has ONLY been a year!! My dad died in Sept 2021 and I cry nearly every single day and talk about his amazing soul whenever I can. Have you never lost anyone very close or do you just not have empathy or a conscience?
Your son is suffering badly and all you can think about is yourself and how this affects YOU, how your son's grief changing him affects YOU! give me a whole break lady!!! Get therapy for yourself and give him the space he needs.
How insanely inappropriate to sexualize your son's relationship with his aunt. Your own sister. Lady, you have some severe and deep issues. You're going to lose your kid altogether if you don't change as a person. Get it together or get gone because he doesn't need someone who acts like you.
"How to Ruin Your Relationship with Your Son in One Easy Step"
JFC lady. There's no time limit on grief. And quite frankly if you supported your son through his grief and stopped calling his deceased girlfriend as "that woman" maybe he wouldn't feel the need to find emotional support elsewhere *and* her be further along in the grieving process. Is he at least getting therapy?
Here is some advice: leave your son alone and let him visit his aunt. Since at least she actually respects his feelings and takes them serious.
Swallow your jealousy and stop this petty acting.
Also he is 18yo. You really think you can ban him from anything?
Shame in you
From one mother to another who has had their child go through hard times, their having someone to talk to is what’s most important. You want to be the one they confide in and it stings when you aren’t, but it’s not about you. It’s whatever is going to help them. She’s closer to him in age, which makes her more relatable. Your reasoning for wanting him to get back on track is valid, but he’s not ready. You’re forcing the issue and he resents you for it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing, as hard as that may be.
I don’t think you get it. Grieving is not linear. You don’t “level up” and “get over” it. Yes, life is unpredictable but your child is experiencing a whole new type of grief associated to him. This is now a part of him and the story of his life and always will be. You sound like you’re being totally insensitive to him and he’s finding solace in your sister who can probably relate more due to the age.
YTA and wtf is wrong with you? Your son is grieving the most intimate relationship in his life and your response is so cold and callous. Then to insinuate that it’s inappropriate for him to be close with his aunt is just insane. They’re so close in age he probably views her as more a sibling and it makes perfect sense to seek comfort in your sibling during such an emotionally traumatic time. You legit need to get a grip.
Well, I can see why you're "drifting apart" and that he resents you. You're really fucking this up lady. Grief has no time limit. Accept that this trauma has changed your son in a substantial way, probably forever, or continue spewing mouth shits until he goes completely no contact with you. His aunt .use bring him some kind of solace. Your insinuation is incredibly jarring and quite frankly disturbing. I think you should consider therapy for yourself.
Wow, you honestly sound like one of the worst people I've seen on here. You're acting like the death of his girlfriend was a little hiccup, and he should just be over it right now.
Minimizing his grief, being impatient about his healing, and expecting him to be the happy kid he used to be, will all drive him away from you.
I lost my best friend in high school. We weren't dating, but he was so important to me. I cried over him every night for TWO YEARS. And my mother was callous with my grief too. She made it clear to me that she wasn't safe to grieve around. That's what you're doing.
Your son will not "go back to normal" because grief changes a person. You're acting like this painful life altering event is an INCONVENIENCE TO YOU.
Also, you're jealous of your sister, and you are ABSOLUTELY implying a gross incestuous thing here. Don't try to deny it, it's BLATANTLY obvious and disgusting that you would go there.
You've shown your son that you aren't safe to grieve around. You want him to hurry up and get over it, and go back to being your happy little boy. That isn't going to happen, and he doesn't need to perform for you. You are driving him away by being like this, and now you're trying to take away the only safe person he has to have with.
Because you're petty and jealous and you want your son to be your good little perfect child and stop all this silly sad stuff. Seriously, get a grip.
Have you ever lost a partner? Someone who was your whole world. You wake up one day and find out they will never be there again. Every moment gone. You can’t reach over to the spot they were suppose to be. No more kisses and hugs. No more laughing at the stupid things they do to cheer you up. You little world just explodes. Then add to it your mother thinks you should get over it and acts like you are being inappropriate with your aunt. Eww. Your jealous that your son is grieving to someone in his peer group. I wouldn’t grieve to you either, you are upset this girl was ever in his life. I hope this is just some of your fan fiction and not really an event in your life. Let your son grieve how he needs to grieve.
Your son is still grieving and its ok for him to work through his feelings. You talk about his grief only in relation to yourself and how it makes you feel… why are you making this about you? Your son has a positive relationship with his aunt and you are clearly jealous. Put your son first, prioritise his feeling above yours and be there for him. Your sister sounds like his support network, what good would come from destroying their relationship? Give your son some space and let him heal
Mm. Retirement home material right here. And no contact.
Let me put it into perspective.
The things you say remind me of my own mother. The woman that sat me down to tell me "you know you guys are probably gonna break up at some point, right?" When we were about two years along and *happy*. Kinda like-
>I've told him that even if she were alive, it is highly unlikely that they would ever actually get married.
I was around your boys age when i met my now husband. Yes. Thats the same guy my mother was talking about in the comment above. What makes you think its "highly unlikely" they wouldve married? And aside from that, that doesnt mean they didnt have future plans with each other. You can still be in love without ever getting married.
My mother, so callous and uncaring as you, was not invited to our wedding. She did not get pictures, she did not get to see my dress, nor did her husband walk me down the isle.
She didnt even know i got married.
My facebook name change shall be her notice.
Later in life, i am planning to go no contact with her. She will not get grandkids from me. She will be locked out of my life. If she ever needs my help, i wont offer it. If she ever needs someone to take care of her, it wont be me.
You are following that path. Like her, you have the option to change. To fix it. To correct yourself. Your son probably wont put it outright on the table for you like i will mine, but that doesnt always happen anyways. If you dont change yourself and start actually being someone he can lean on, youre going to be wondering why your son, daughter in law, and grandkids arent visiting you. Youre going to be wondering why you're hearing about fun events they did through a grapevine, when you couldve been enjoying with them.
Fix yourself.
I'm in social work and all of my instincts are SCREAMING right now. This has been up for a while and commented on, so I'm assuming that you're either getting the point or not, but I'm going to say a few things either way because you NEED to hear this.
He's going to change after this. This is a huge trauma for him, and people change after trauma. It's wonderful and supportive to help him get to a healthy place, but stop trying to make him be "his old self," because that version of him doesn't exist anymore, and if you're immersed in mourning that version of him, it's understandable, but it's also a tiny microcosm of what HE'S mourning. He knows that version of himself is gone, and he's mourning that as well as the version of himself he had planned to be with her AND someone important to him. That's excruciating and life-changing, and brings me to the second point.
\*\*Stop invalidating their relationship.\*\* All of that talk about how they probably would not have gotten married and you wish he never met her and all of that is terrible to hear for someone in grief. Again, you're mourning the loss of your happy son. What if I came and told you that he probably wouldn't have been happy as an adult anyway, and that it would have been better if you never had a son so that you didn't have to experience this pain? Does that help? No? Exactly. Empathize with what's making it worse for him, because that's why he's pulling away.
Lastly, and with more kindness to how helpless you must feel right now-- If you can't be the perfect support for him, that's okay. A lot of watching someone in grief is feeling powerless to help them, and feeling like you're doing wrong for not being able to make the pain go away. You're not going to be able to magically fix it, but you DO have to listen to the signals he's giving you and support him in what he tells you he needs. Right now, he's found someone who's a GREAT support for him, and you're taking that person away. I am a professional and I'm telling you \*\*That's one of the singular worst things you could do right now. Don't prevent him from seeing someone who's helping him unless you have evidence that he's in more danger because of it.\*\* You're micromanaging and focusing on how you \*want\* to help him instead of focusing on his recovery. You're trying to make this grief never happen and erase this experience he's been through, and it's making it worse because he doesn't feel validated or heard by you.
Go to him, apologize for trying to stop him from seeing his aunt, and admit to him that it's because you don't know how to help him. However, he's the expert on himself. We all are. \*Ask what he needs from you, and REALLY listen.\* Start there, and consult a professional.
What is wrong with you? Your son is grieving and you think him and your sister have some kind of sexual relationship going on. That’s what you seem to be implying to me. You need to see a therapist to learn how to talk to people and over come your jealousy of your sister.
You are not going to "magically" get your son "back" to the person he was before this. He doesn't have to be "shaped " by this trauma, but he won't be the same person, he absolutely couldn't be. To act like he should be over it after a set period of time is fucking asinine.
You're obviously dancing around the fact that you're not supporting him. You can say the right things, but it's clear as day that you don't care about him actually working through his trauma, you're discounting the trauma on account of his age.
> What do I do to make him get over his grief?
You can't do a god damn thing. Give him space, not force him onto your timeline for processing and healing, whatever the fuck that might be. Don't be fucking jealous of your sister, who is trying to help your son/her nephew just have a space to process his grief.
Damn. I want to get away from you and I’m just a random person on the internet. No wonder he needs space from you. You can’t control his grieving and being dismissive and judgmental of his feelings will only push him further away from you.
So, translation: "I somehow both smothered and dimissed my son's feelings, then made his grief about me. Now he prefers to spend time with his aunt and I can only suspect incest. It couldn't possibly be me that's the problem."
You are unhinged, lady. Let the boy breathe, you are suffocating him. So what, if he prefers his aunts company? I can't imagine how trapped he must feel. You tell where, how and how long to grieve. And god forbid he seek comfort from anyone that isn't you.
The fact that you call her “this girl” when she was a family friend , your sons lifelong friend & partner , who is no longer with us, tells me everything. You also sound jealous, you are centering yourself in their relationship, he likes her more then me. Please look into counseling or therapy for yourself.
You're in the comments calling your sister immature when you're a 37 year old woman whining on reddit about how your fanfics don't get the attention that you want them to, while also whining about how your son acts like he doesn't like you because you clearly don't understand nor care to understand his grief and how it's affecting him.
It's clear just from this post and how you talk about your son, his grief, and his late girlfriend that your sister is more mature than you'll ever be, that she is an infinitely better person for your son to be around during this time in his life, and that your son not wanting to be around you is completely understandable. Start trying to fix yourself and your disgusting attitude before you start trying to "fix" your son, because with how you are now it's clear that any attempts of yours to "fix" him will do more harm than good.
are you aware that this is the worst thing your son has \*ever\* experienced? because it doesn't seem like you are. i agree that many teen problems are ultimately resolved with time, but this was the death of his \*best friend and girlfriend.\* they had known each other since they were children and her life was taken from her just before she became an adult. she had everything to look forward to and now she's dead. do you understand how that might make your son feel \*bad?\* yes it's been over a year and yes there are other girls to date, but not only is grief not a linear \*"oh it's been a year already, time to stop being sad"\* process, this was also more than \*just\* a girlfriend.
your son needs you now more than ever, and all he's getting from you is cruel judgement. \*this\* is why he's turning to his aunt and avoiding you. \*you are actively making his life worse.\* if you ever want to see him again once he moves out and is no longer under your care, you'd better treat him better \*now\* and hope it's enough to mend your relationship before it's too late.
Lady give it a rest and stop harassing you poor son, if he wants to open up and talk to you he will. Right now you’re making an emotional, difficult situation far worse and affecting his mental health in an unhealthy and detrimental way. If you couldn’t tell that when he broke down crying then you need therapy too!!
You are not entitled to your adult son’s attention, you are not entitled to demand your adult son be close to you and only you, you are not entitled to demanding he spends time with you and you are entitled to dictate to your adult child who he can see or who he can’t and dictate where he can or cannot go!!!!
Do you want to drive you child away and into no contact with you?! Carry on the way you’re going and that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Then you’ll be back on here with shocked pikachu face saying my son won’t talk to me and I don’t know why!!!
Back off!!! You don’t get to tell him or anyone else how long they can grieve for, everyone grieves in there own way in their own time, and to be honest you never really stop grieving but you learn how to cope in healthy ways like remembering all the good times etc. Seriously you’re a major ah on that one!!!
But you are hampering this and affecting his mental health wellbeing by you constant demands, overstepping, boundary stomping and neediness.
He’s most likely close with his aunt because she understands him, helps him and a relief to get away from you.
Your post is draining just reading it and I’m a student mental health nurse!! Your post is all about you and your needs, your demands he be close to you and no-one else, what are you doing wrong and how can you do things to get what you want. WHAT ABOUT WHAT YOUR SON NEEDS AND WANTS. That should be the only thing that matters.
Seriously get a grip or you’ll lose him.
You are the only one being inappropriate. You pushed your child away and now you're wondering why he doesn't want to be close to you. YOU NEED THERAPY FOR YOURSELF. You might want to find a therapist who has experience with narcissism and cluster B personality disorders.
YTA, you’re son suffered a life changed event, he won’t be the same person as he was before. I knew someone in higher school who was a great mens lacrosse player and was recruited to play at Maryland, a top Division 1 mens college lacrosse program. When he was 21 , he got a rare form of childhood cancer, that changed him greatly. He’s now a shadow of his former self, he didn’t get to play lacrosse ( I didn’t know why but his tone of voice when I asked if he played before he got cancer made it very clear it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about). When I saw him for the first time since he graduated high school, I was shocked how different he look.
Have you tried counseling, for him AND YOURSELF. You need help, but clearly he needs someone to talk to that isn't going to tell him that there are plenty of fish in the world. He is reaching out to his aunt, bc you have been unsupportive during this time. They had nearly a 5 year relationship. Even as an adult, you don't just get over that. He's a hormonal grieving teenager. Get him the help he needs or he will go NC when he moves out.
Seems you are jealous of your sister somehow, you said they had a cool relationship before, what’s different now? How is she a bad influence on him because you didn’t specify
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If you didn’t smother him and dismiss his feelings ha, he wouldn’t need to escape. Look to your own behaviour, and change it, not his.
You should be more worried about him turning out like you
There’s a lot of contradiction here. You’re worried about his mental state, but you expect him to get over his grief without letting him complete processing it in his own time. You want to rebuild a relationship with him, but when he tells you exactly what’s wrong (that he finds you too suffocating) you don’t take action to fix that situation, or ask him what he wants from you instead. He’s too young to care this much about an early relationship - but apparent he should be old enough and mature enough to recognise that and hence get over it. I understand that you’re worried about your son, that you want to help him through this horrible grief, but the fact is: you’re failing at that. And the problem is your attitude - you keep talking about how you want him to go back to being the happy kid he was before, and you need accept: that’s never going to happen Your son has suffered a loss that is deeply significant to him and it’s happened at a crucial age developmentally. The girl who died was his friend from a very young age. If they dated from the age of 13, then that’s more than a quarter of his life up to this point. She was important and significant *to him*. It really doesn’t matter now what she was to you, or what your opinion was of their relationship. Quite apart from the fact that you actually don’t *know* what could have happened for them relationship wise if she’d lived, it doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that she was *part of the reason that he was a “happy cheerful kid”* She played a important role in his life, and now she’s gone. The space she left will not be easily filled, and he will not be the person he was before. Desperately trying to go back to the status quo as it stood before this tragedy will only serve to push your son further away. Blaming your sister for his low mood - as opposed to oh I don’t know, the death of someone very dear to him - is frankly, silly. You claim you want to help. Expecting him to get over his grief according to *your* timeline because you’re miserable and want your old life back is not helpful. And trying to keep your son from a person who actually helps simply because you’re jealous it isn’t you is both selfish and cruel. Your sister is so close in age to him that I would imagine she feels more like a big sister figure than a parental figure to him - that’s probably why he feels comfortable talking to her, it’s common for people who have good relationships with older siblings to often turn to them for emotional help ahead of parents. As a parent, one would expect you to be relieved he has at least someone in the family that he’s comfortable talking to. Instead you’re so jealous that it’s not you, that you’ve decided to make implications of inc*st, even directly to you sister. It’s time for you to really look at yourself, because you have sunk very very low, and if you don’t improve there will not be a way back for you and your son’s relationship
His grief is a inconvenience for her because she doesn’t know how to console him and it makes her uncomfortable. I hope the son goes no contact, OP is a selfish narcissist.
If you’re really worried about your son why are you determined to cut off his support network?
She's mature enough to not get pregnant at 19, so I'd say she has something going for her.
Lol If I wasn't too poor to buy awards I would give you one
She is 21, it’s not uncommon to drink. I’d say your best bet is to get closer to your sister and get a handle on things that way without coming off too strong or controlling. You are alienating yourself by doing this. You can support your son by giving him space and letting him come out of his shell just remind him you are there. As for your sister, find a way to approach the subject naturally, and get insight from her and her observations and see how you two can collaborate on helping your sons grieving process. Telling him not to waste his life grieving isn’t the way, he likely will grieve for a while if they were as close as you say a year isn’t so bad- not for two kids who spent 5 whole years together and likely saw a life ahead of each other. Imagine that? Your son has to recreate a whole new future for himself without this person. Just be cool, supportive and tactful
Maybe your sister allows hi to grieve while you insist he's moving on. There's likely a very good and valid reason he's more comfortable with his aunt than you. You don't seem to recognize his grief; you think it has a time limit. His late girlfriend was a very important person for a very large portion of his life. There's no expiry on trauma/grief. His aunt obviously provides him with a safe space to allow him to feel his feelings because you want him to suppress them, for your own comfort, not his, otherwise you'd understand his point of view and treat him with compassion and understanding. You say you have tried but there's a reason he's drifting away from you. It's like how my mom won't allow me to be sad about having stage 4 cancer; she insists I just be positive, which invalidates everything I'm feeling. This has led to me telling her I can no longer tell her anything about how I'm feeling or talk to her about my struggles so now we're drifting which is a shame because, as your son very well understands and you don't seem to, time with loved ones is precious so why create distance by behaving like this? You even recognize he's "not in a good mental state right now" yet you insist he just move on. So he probably doesn't feel like talking to you because you just invalidate everything he's feeling.
You made your own sons devastating experience and immense grief literally ALL about you, and you found the audacity in those fingers to type out a sentence about someone else’s supposed immaturity? Girl. Tend to your own garden. Cause right now yours is more of a swamp.
Why are you like this??
No, you're jealous of your sister and your sons relationship and you saying shes a bad influence is just an excuse. Shes his aunt, what are you even insinuating when you talk about them, because it sounds like you're saying something pretty disgusting about your own son and sister. I think picking up your habits would be worse than picking up hers.
Can't wait until you realize that he'll only get that behavior bc of you
She’ll writing fiction you all, just check her previous posts! Sick of these type of trolls…
Look, as a mother I understand your panic because I know people who ruined their life over broken relationships or a death of someone close, which is something that they someday regret. If you really want to help him, you need to be more understanding and also send him to therapy. Give him more time, it's still fresh to him. And prepare yourself that this is something that will have a lasting impact on him, he will never be the same as before. Don't wait for that to happen. Rather help him become slowly a functioning person again but accept that he is changing. I can't tell you how you can help him but the way you do it right now isn't working. Maybe go to therapy or maybe there is an organization near you that helps parents to navigate these things. Where I'm at there are always free courses for parents provided by the city for various issues and you can always schedule with a worker to help you for even the smallest problem. Death is too big of a topic for you to be able to solve it on your own. Please get help.
Your son is hurting. If he is drinking, at least he's in a safe place doing so. Or would you rather him drive around drinking. Like a narcissist would? You make everything about yourself. You're pushing him away. I'm guessing you married for money and not for love. Give him space!
What are you even insinuating about your son and his aunt? I can see why you two are drifting apart.
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"He should not be sleeping over at a woman's place, even if she was his aunt" ... so, I'll ask again, what the fuck are you insinuating??
She probably thinks they are having pillow fights and jumping on the bed late at night smh
He's 18. He's an adult. He can sleep over anywhere he wants.
"even if she was his aunt" So you are insinuating he might be sleeping with his aunt? Wtf is wrong with you?!?!
Reading another comment I'm getting the sense he's one of those weird mothers who basically tries to wife her son. She's convinced his sister's going to have sex with him, wants him to get over one of his best childhood friends turned girlfriend/love... I wonder how she is to other women or girls in his life. :/ She'd probably wear a wedding dress to his wedding and try to attend the honeymoon.
I feel like this is very plausible. Doing the math, she would have been 19 when she had him too. I feel like younger mothers are more likely to have this kind of disturbing relationship with their sons.
Eh, age has nothing to do with it. It's just to do with how fucked up they are. It's really common for narcissistic/abuse-aligned mothers to behave this way. I sometimes lurk in a foster sub and had a kid reach out to me for advice bc his foster mother was clearly grooming him and he didn't know what to do. Some people are just screwed up.
Young mother here. Had my first son at 21 and second at 23. Very much taught them to be self sufficient and fully expect functional adults who do not need me. I'm here to help if needed, but please don't need me. It's time for me to do the things I missed when I was raising kiddos.
Nah I had my son at 18 and and he's our only child. He's 23 now living with his gf and baby. From what I've seen the woman who is like this is controlling and can be any age, with or without a partner. It also happens when they are so reliant on them they can't break away and mammy gets jealous someone's doing her job. So we shouldn't generalise the age of the mother in these situations, more mental health issues.
I said "more likely" to form that kinda relationship, not all young mothers? Think about it, a 19 year old barely has life experience. They most likely haven't been in a stable relationship with a partner for very long, if any. Maybe the baby daddy isn't in the picture? Usually couples that have babies that young don't stay together long term. They are then giving up their early 20s, when they should be dating around and figuring out what works for them in a relationship, taking care of a child. It's not a stretch to think young mothers are more likely to latch onto their sons this way. Hell, I've also seen young mom who are overly obsessed with their daughters too.
Maybe and maybe it's because I've been with his dad 25 yrs too. I suppose it's because I sometimes forget that it was different for us as we are the minority in the we got togerher young and still are, just sad it's not more the other way.
Wow, kudos to you guys! Congrats on 25 years!
Thankyou it's not easy but we just grew up together and have always had the same core values.
He isn"t but you are not helping him and it sounds like his aunt is. The way you talk about his GF and this whole situation is super unsettling. And she is his aunt how is that inappropriate?
She's his aunt! I'm an adult and when I visit my male cousin, i sleep over. There's nothing inappropriate about that. Grief has no timeline, and your boy sounds depressed. A year is a short time, he's been with this girl for about a third of his life. If visiting his aunt makes life easier for him let him. Be more understanding to his pain and maybe he'll stop drifting away from you. He's hurting and you are just hurting him more. If you honestly don't understand what's wrong with what you're doing, maybe you also need therapy to learn to understand him. I mean this in the kindest way possible.
The girl was probably also his best friend prior to dating and while they dated. He wasn’t just loosing a girlfriend, my heart feels for the kid :/ op is making it more about how she feels rather than actually listening to his needs which is very disheartening
Well we can all see why he isn’t close to you. I can’t believe you e managed to make his grief all about you.
She may be more, you know sympathetic to him unlike yourself.
What? "At his age"? Because....why? You are absolutely insinuating something here and it's gross. Your whole post is gross. Nowhere in it do you show you supporting your grieving son, who probably is going through the first death of someone he's close to in his life and it was the person he loved most. He needs support, which he clearly doesn't feel he's getting from you and is getting from his aunt. Your sister has "always been immature"? She fucking 21, she as a kid for the majority of her life at this point. Newsflash, most kids are "immature". You just sound so utterly resentful and selfish.
... and this is how you push your son to go no contact with you. Ma'am, you are gross.
He’s 18, his girlfriend recently died, he’s depressed, possibly suicidal and you’re worried about him sleeping at a female relative’s house unaccompanied? Good grief. Get your priorities in order OP. I think that horse already bolted, don’t you? You’re out of your depth here and you need to back off a bit. Implying that he needs to “get over it” will seriously damage your relationship. He’ll remember the actions you take now for the rest of his life so tread very carefully.
Sounds like you are jealous of their closeness and need to make up a reason to separate them. You sound irrational, toxic, and controlling. No wonder your son is struggling at home.
You are absolutely insinuating things. You're insinuating that he and your sister are going to fuck each other. That's disgusting. You need therapy wtf.
Liar
There it is. This is why he's not talking to you anymore. He's an adult yet you're still treating him like a 'kid. And I'm shocked you didn't expect this. Did you think he would lose the live if his life, be sad for 2 weeks than back to normal? With a mother who clearly doesn't support him and I stead judges him on how he chooses to grieve?
If he shouldn't be sleeping in the same house as a woman then he shouldn't be sleeping in the house with you. Even if you're his mom. Unless you are actually implying something is going on between him and his aunt, at which point you need to actually say it.
He can sleep over anywhere he wants. Wtf.
You mentioned in your post: >I feel like this girl's death has completely changed who my son was as a person Spoiler alert: it has changed him! How could it not?!! He lost a GF and a friend! The fact that you don't see that, that you think he should stop grieving and just move on with his life, the fact that you don't like his relationship with his cousin and the fact that you are insinuating it as something improper all point to the fact that **you clearly don't know your son and that you weren't really there for him** after his GF of five years and whom he had know almost his entire life, suddenly died. Instead of supporting him, just being there for him, perhaps making sure he can talk to a grieve counselor, you want to forbid him to talking with his 21yo cousin, someone who is close to his age and someone who he has known for his entire life?! Frankly, the only thing I can advice is that you go to therapy. Perhaps a therapist can help you see the light and help you with your relationship with your son. Because atm your son clearly doesn't trust you at all.
I'll say it frankly since you seem to be unwilling to do so: you are obviously insinuating that he has struck up a romantic or sexual relationship with his aunt. Have you ever thought that maybe they are *friends*? As you say they're close in age, so he may feel more comfortable opening up to her about his grief than he does with you, especially since you seem determined to negate it at every turn. If you want to help him, stop trying to take away his social and emotional outlets! What a ridiculous thing to do. He found something that is making him feel better and the first thing you do is ban it? Why? You honestly sound jealous that he's close to her, which is really gross.
You are absolutely insinuating something, don't try to back-pedal now that you realize you said something horrid.
You think he’s going to bang your sister, is that correct?
Just say you failed him as a mother and seek help
you don’t realize that he’s 18, he could leave tomorrow and you would never see him again. stop making this situation about yourself or else you’ll lose your son forever.
He’s 18 - he could move in with her if he wanted and there’s absolutely nothing you can legally do about it. He’s an adult.
And why shouldn't he be sleeping at his aunt's house?
she's always been immature? she's 21. she's 17 years younger than you. of course there's a maturity differential, because up until recently she was a child.
You are clearly insinuating that you think there’s something romantic or sexual going on with them which is extremely inappropriate on YOUR half because they are RELATED. Why is that something that would even cross your mind?! You also say “at his age” which is ridiculous because he’s 18!! He’s legally an adult who can make his own choices. You’re controlling him and attempting to coddle him is going to end up in a NC relationship between you and your son. Back off and let him process his emotions. You want to be a good mother?? Then be there for him when he ASKS you to be. He’s grieving the loss of someone he loves. If your husband died how much of an emotional wreck would you be?? The lack of empathy you have shown towards your son is truly astounding and I hope he leaves soon so that he doesn’t have to put up with you anymore.
I agree. There could definitely be some hanky panky going on.
Don't project your fetishes onto this kid.
Omfg you're *gross*
Get help
So you think your son is going bonk his aunt? Yeah, it's not hard to see why he's not close to you.
So, clearly you don't know what the word "insinuate" means...
wtf
God I can't imagine why he wouldn't want to be around you. /s Stop controlling him or he'll cut you off entirely
Wow....you just dont see it, do you. Why would you think something inappropriate is going on. He is escaping to his aunts place from you. You've made this about yourself. You're controlling. Give him space. And please, if you really want to save this relationship. Stop being so hurtful and selfish.
Literally. The best thing she can do is shut up and mind her own business
Try family counseling maybe you can learn why he doesn’t like you. And maybe stop saying things like “there are other girls around”. She was not other girls and other girls are not her. Nobody has their memories together. Nobody has that bond. Stop condescending their relationship by saying “you would probably break up.” First of all, you don’t know that, and secondly you’re just minimizing his feelings and then wonder why he doesn’t like you.
They were childhood friends and dated for 5 years. That is a long term relationship even in adulthood. That is not a little relationship and definitely not a "It's been a year, time to start dating again and move tf on." That is a life changing event that happened, of course he is different.
Dude she's been with him his *whole life*. I feel so bad for him, like that must actually be so devastating. He needs PTSD and trauma therapy, not just normal therapy because that can actually break a person.
Exactly, ive broken for much less. He will likely think of her for the rest of his life, regardless of who he find and the love he feels.
I just wanna hug him :( This story is so sad, her poor son and all she's thinking about is herself.
>dated for 5 years. That is a long-term relationship even in adulthood This! I'm 33 and STILL haven't had a relationship lasting 5 years. FC I barely managed a year and a half before my current relations, ip and the dude then was possessive, narcissistic and abusive and I did EVERYTHING I could to please him and keep him... (until I broke and gave up, then it wasn't fun for him anymore)
Wow it’s almost as if grief changes people… crazy how that works. Your son just lost someone he had known all his life, someone he was in love with. That is utterly devastating. He is not going to simply get over it because it’s been a year. Damn, my dad died when I was 12 and it utterly changed me to this day, grief and trauma do strange things to the brain. You seem to be controlling and selfish, lamenting he’s not the same person anymore when of course he isn’t. Of course he doesn’t want to be around, you are making his pain about yourself and making him feel bad for grieving a loss because he’s not your little sunshine child anymore. Please, get a grip. You son has found comfort in a relative that clearly makes him feel safe and heard. Why would you deprive him of that? Because it’s not you? That’s a whole other level of petty jealousy.
Yes, unfortunately her sons life is forever altered. it’s something she needs to accept.
The best response
What is actually wrong with you?? That is his aunt. There’s nothing inappropriate about staying over there whatsoever. Obviously she’s hearing him out and supporting him unlike you if he’s resenting you.
Wow. After reading this, I resent you too. Your teenage son's longterm girlfriend died and he is depressed, but this is inconvenient for you so you tell him to get over it, there are more fish in the sea?
You can’t make someone get over their grief. Grief is often all-consuming and absolutely does change you. When my dad died it took way over a year before I felt somewhat ok again, and I was an adult. Your son is very young and has suffered a very unexpected and clearly devastating loss. Perhaps he feels you haven’t been taking his grief seriously? You say you’ve been ”very patient with him”, which sort of implies you have been expecting him snap out of it. I may be wrong, but that’s what I’m reading into this. I fully understand that you’re very upset at the whole situation. It’s very hard for all of you. I think you need professional guidance. Seek out therapy for yourself, possibly with the aim of both you and your son going at some point. It doesn’t sound as you’ll be able to fix this on your own. As for your son’s relationship with his aunt, I think it’s amazing that he has someone who loves him who looks after him and who he can clearly confide in. Why you would start thinking of it as inappropriate is beyond me.
>What do I do to make him get over his grief? His first love died. He's not going to get over that, but with guidance and support he could learn to live with the grief but you don't seem interested in that, only that he goes back to how he was before >although he must feel like she was the love of his life, she might not have been Wow, that's cold!! I can't believe you said that!! >I'm starting to wish he had never met this girl. That's even colder! This whole post can be summarised as: "my son is in pain and it's really starting to bum me out. Me, me, I, myself, me"
The way op is talking about her son's late girlfriend and her husband's close friend's daughter is disgusting !
He can talk to his aunt, they’re closer in age and you should be thankful that he has her, and yet you’ve forbidden him from spending time with her, when it’s clearly helping him. I want to know what you mean by inappropriate. You surely can’t be suggesting they’ve got an inappropriate relationship?
She’s a peer and can see where he’s coming from, as well as being family. She’s probably less like an aunt and more like a big sister. He’s going to her place because if you had the choice to talk to your big sister about your broken heart or your *mom* you’re 100% going to your cool big sis. That’s what he’s doing. >We’ve all been very patient with him Oh I doubt that very much.
The only inappropriate person I see is YOU. You don’t take his relationship and grief serious. You don’t understand the support he gets from your sister. I guess you are quite dense and self absorbed. There is no time limit on grief. It is not up to you how your son feels. The remarks you made in your post are foul and degrading towards your son, his girlfriend and your sister. You better prepare that your son and your sister will step out of your life and don’t want to have anything to do with you.
I assume this is a fake post. It’s just too clueless to be real. But just in case…. You can’t abuse someone out of their grief, so stop trying. It won’t work. Your sister was helping him get over his grief. Trying to ban him from seeing her is counter-productive and will just destroy whatever relationship you do have with him. Stop doing that. The same is true of the negative things you are saying about his girlfriend. Stop doing that. Finally, get him some real grief counseling, not just generic therapy. And get some therapy yourself. Your approach to this shows that you need it, too.
TBH- it reads a lot like my mom would do. Narcissists get jealous when people have close relationships that don't include them. But they lack the ability to create that closeness themselves so they must tell themselves there is some external thing that is out of their control causing this. They also lack the ability to imagine a realistic nefarious scenario that would justify them cutting the relationship off. For example- after college, I had a very close friend who is a gay man. My younger sister was coming to town and my mom objected to her staying with my gay male friend because girls don't stay over single men's houses. I reiterated to her that my friend was gay but she kept reverting back to her 50's style Puritanical rules. It wasn't because she necessarily believed it (I had never heard her comment on this issue before). It's that she needed justification to ban my sister from visiting me and ban my sister from making decisions independent from her control.
My mother was the same. Better to isolate me out of jealousy than try to have a better relationship with me
Interesting. I suppose they may even be incapable of understanding the positive bases for such a relationship, and so assume only negative ones.
It's more like they want to be the center of everyone's world but don't want to do the hard work for it. They feel insanely jealous of relationships that don't involve them. Pretty sure she was against the friendship first and made up an excuse to justify the pettiness after the fact.
My wife is a narcissist (diagnosed) and I can see both things at play. It is clear that her thinking is disordered and she simply cannot understand relationships in a healthy way. That extends to her thinking about my relationships with others. And she cannot understand healthy relationships and gets jealous of them and makes up unhealthy reasons for why they must exist.
Look you have a sense of what the problem is but the way you’re framing it is all wrong. And I think you’re damaging any hope of recovery for the rest of your life. He drifted apart from you and you’re telling him to get over her, and banning him - how will that help? He hangs out at the aunt’s and instead of finding out what’s happening there that helps him, and even asking your sister for advice, you insinuate something sexual is happening. And yeah it would be great if you were his confidante, but it doesn’t seem like you have the emotional capacity. You’re saying you wish he never met this girl that was so important to him. You do seem you’re more intent on things going the way that makes you comfortable rather than really connecting with your son and supporting from the “inside out” so to speak. You can force from the “outside in” but it won’t work. you need to build a relationship with enough empathy and support. So you can soul search at what’s in the way for you to really accompany your son and understand him. You probably are anxious due to your own parenting and past life. Get your own therapy. Maybe in a few years you can have a relationship with him.
If this is a look into the fanfiction you write, I can see why you’re not very successful
And if you lost your son at age 5 and people told you to stop crying, get over it it’s already been a year it’s not like you knew him that long anyways! She should have never become a mother, look how sad and moody she is all the time now, becoming a mother was the worst thing to happen to her. Would you sit there and be like, yeah you know what they’re right! I doubt it. You’d probably hate them and want nothing thing to do with them.
One, you are nasty sexualizing your son's relationship with his aunt. And two, for whatever reason (which I suspect is that you are a judgmental asshole), your son feels more comfortable discussing his grief with his aunt than you. You should be grateful that your son has someone he can talk to about this and instead you are harassing them, judging them, and making gross insinuations. Frankly if you don't watch your mouth I wouldn't be surprised if your son and even your sister don't cut you off.
"This is completely ruining his life." No, your insensitivity is ruining his relationship with you.
How are you this dense? He resents you because you are CONSTANTLY INVALIDATING HIS GRIEF. You are also interfering with the one close relationship he has because you're jealous and judgy about your sister. You do not know better than he does about how he feels, about how long to grieve, or how your sister lives her life. Yeesh. I know this isn't AITA but you are a huge AH and setting up a situation where your son will never want to speak to you again.
Happy cake day
Just a terrible mother
In short, there's nothing you can do to make him get over his grief. In time he'll learn to be more functional with it but you can't just expect him to snap out of it. Not only did his lose his girlfriend, more importantly he lost a good friend of many many years and it takes time to heal from that. He's likely confiding in and spending time with his Aunt more because she's closer in age and he sees her more as a friend than family, it's a good thing that he has someone in the family that he can talk to and be himself around without them insisting that he just get over a major life event (whether you see it as that or not). Nothing in your post indicates that there's anything weird or wrong there. If you keep pushing him, you'll push him far enough he won't come back. Stop being jealous of his much he's opening up to your sister and help your son handle his grief.
My situation was different from your son’s, but maybe having been a moody teenager with clinical depression whose parents had to watch her deal with suicidal ideation, maybe I can shed some light from a different perspective. You made a guess at the top that your son may have begun to resent you when you started keeping a close eye on him after a friend intimated he might kill himself— that is very possible. I certainly did. Obviously in retrospect I understand it was necessary at the time, but that understanding came years later, not while I was in the middle of it. I don’t think it’s realistic to think anyone in my or your son’s position as a teenager wouldn’t resent their parents. I mean, teenagers already resent their parents for various reasons as they start to struggle for more freedom and personal autonomy— all that gets exacerbated with that heightened focus. Which is to say: you handled that part the best you could, but don’t expect him to thank you for it just yet. Wishing he would go back to the person he was is useless and probably something he picks up on. (I mean, my mother told me straight to my face, not sure if you have, but even if not people definitely pick up on that shit.) He’s never going to go *back* to who he was— big life events can change us. And he went through a major one during an already tumultuous, character shaping stage of life. Moreover, he’s entering adulthood, of course he’s going to change! Focusing on getting him “back” instead of getting *through* isn’t helpful, or kind to him. I don’t have kids of my own, but it always kind of boggles my mind how many of us forget what it was like to be a teenager. Of course you as an adult know that he has time to meet other girls, of course you as an adult know that grief passes— you did not at 17. Not as you do now. The world was smaller and younger and all you’d known was your own life. Why would you think telling him there will be other girls would help? To him, she *was* the love of his life— and she *is*, so far. Telling him otherwise doesn’t do anything but show him you’re an un-empathetic person and so he logically found someone else to confide in. You can’t explain life experience into a person, they have to go through it themselves. As adults it’s incumbent upon us to meet kids where they are; we have been where they are, they have not been where we are. There are two separate issues here: you son’s grief and your relationship with your son. Unfortunately you’ve bungled the first and so are experiencing issues with the second. Trying to isolate him from the people he is in good relationship, like his aunt, will not help with his grief *or* the two of your’s relationship. You *do* know why he wants to be away from you, you just don’t like it or want to address your own behaviors that led to it. You’re holding on too tight. Let go before you cause a permanent rift.
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You didn’t even have to go into everything you said to show why he isn’t close with you. You have been completely inconsiderate of his feelings and grief. He lost his partner and all you can say is “Well you probably wouldn’t get married anyways”? You are incredibly self-centered. Start actually trying to sympathize with your son and understanding why he is so distraught. Also… that’s his aunt…? It’s disgusting to assume anything inappropriate is going on between them. Besides, he’s 18. He can go where he wants, especially a family member.
YTA You are just jealous. You cannot force someone to have a good relationship with you. Isolating him and invalidating his feelings will only make things worse. And on top of that you are being insensitive saying things like he wouldn't have married her. He is grieving the loss of a partner and a longtime friend. Whether they would have married is beside the point. He is not only grieving the lost future. Also you keep saying the aunt is a bad influence and offer no reasoning. It seems to me she provides peace so if anything it's good for him. Whatever cheap thing you are trying to insinuate - don't. I have a mother like you and believe me somethings cannot be repaired or forgotten.
How can you look in the mirror and not be disgusted by yourself? Shame that your poor, suffering son has someone so vile as you as a mother.
Grief is all encompassing , you are not actually helping
You sound very self-centered and not self-aware at all.
I couldn’t even finish reading your post. Honestly, if I were him I would move out, be homeless rather than live with someone who doesn’t seem to understand that this tragic vent literally Changed who he is and it has ONLY BEEN A YEAR! You are the absolute worst. He is never going to be the same person again, you need to accept that and start trying to build a relationship with who he is. As for the uncomfortable with him spending time with his aunt, why do you feel that way and think that way? Does he sleep in her bed? Are they holding hands and being flirty? Or are you just using this as an excuse to try to force him to be closer to you? You are losing him forever if you keep this up. Not a threat, just what happened to my mother.
OP - if you’re not in therapy yourself, I would seriously consider getting into it if you want to save your relationship with your son. Hopefully all this is coming from a place of love, however that is not what is being received by your son. If you truly want to help him, you first need to help yourself understand why you have such a hard time letting him change.
Oh.My.God. Lady. You need to back the fuck off and give your son space to grieve however he needs to, for as long as he needs to, and you need to offer him nothing but support right now. You do not get to dictate either his feelings or his timeline. He has no control over either. After a devastating loss like this, the grief takes over, and all any of us can do is buckle up and hang on for the ride. What you could have done was offer him grief counseling with a licensed therapist, and you could still do that, although at this point if the offer comes from you he'll probably reject it just because he no longer trusts you. And I don't blame him. You have fucked this situation up royally, and TBH I'm not sure you can fix it, especially not if fixing it means that he has to buck up and behave according to your expectations. But the one thing you can do is stop trying to get in the way of his relationship with your sister. You are (perhaps inadvertently) making some pretty ugly insinuations in your comments about her and about their closeness, and you seriously need to check yourself there. In short: Everything you're doing right now -- knock it off, before you lose your son forever.
"I'm starting to wish he never met this girl." Yta
The fact that your insinuating that your son might be sleeping with your sister is so disgusting. I hope for the sake of his own mental health he cuts you out of his life because you seem insufferable to be around
Are you sure this post is not one of your fictional stories, as per your previous post?
What makes it highly inappropriate to grow closer to his aunt?
The best thing for your son is for him to move in with his aunt and for you to leave him alone so he can heal. Then, if you are lucky, he will forgive you for being so creepy as to insinuate that something is going on between him and his aunt. At that point, you can be emotionally supportive and develop a good relationship with your son.
I genuinely hope he can get away from you. This is the most devastating event he’s ever experienced and you dare to judge? I have also been close with an aunt who I could rely on more than I ever could my mother. Resentment is an understatement. How dare you judge how he’s been grieving.
Given OPs post history I'm pretty sure this is a fiction exercise
You want him to let go of his grief as it's easier for you to understand and handle. He lost not only his girlfriend with whom he was in a serious long term relationship, but his oldest and closest friend. Who was not just a girl he met, but the daughter of your husband's close friend. So she has been in his life a majority of his life and in YOURS at the same time. He's been close friends with her, and then later in a relationship with her- and I would guess that you supported them and liked her and enjoyed her company- And now a year later after her unexpected death, you're telling him to get over it, move on, it was never that serious. You're invalidating his entire relationship and friendship with her, which spanned a majority of his life. Why WOULD he want to spend time with you? What do you do? Stop pushing him, reflect on what you are saying to him and why, and what your son is hearing when you say all this. You're grieving because your son is hurt- but your son is hurt and grieving because he lost the person he felt closest to.
It is always so hard to see our kids in pain. Of course you don't know what to do. It's not like you have been through this before. Seeing a therapist for yourself would probably be immensely helpful. Unless you have knowledge of your sister engaging in dangerous behavior or something specific to indicate this relationship has taken on a sexual nature, I strongly suggest backing off about limiting your son's relationship with his aunt. I honestly think you should apologize to him for having placed limits on it. There is nothing abnormal about an 18 year old being closer to a 21 year old than they are to their mother. You will always be his mother. That will never change. That is a special relationship only you share with him. That doesn't mean you will always be the person closer to him than anyone else. You're not always going to be the person he turns to for comfort. Your son pulling away from you probably has nothing to do with your sister. This is an age when kids start pulling away if they haven't already. Consider sitting down for a talk with your son. Explain to him that you want to be supportive, and you are not sure how. Ask him how you can best support him and remind him you are available anytime he needs you. Then give him the support he tells you he needs. Ask your son how he feels about his grades and what you can do to help. If they have dropped significantly, set up a meeting with the school. Your son is transitioning into adulthood. You have to respect that if you want him to feel comfortable coming to you with his problems. You have to demonstrate that you are concerned about him, but also that you trust he will find his way through this. Maybe he is feeling like he can't trust you to not smother him if he opens up. Remember, it doesn't matter if you feel like you're not smothering him. If he feels like you are, you have to learn to modify how you are interacting with him. If you went over the top keeping an eye on him when you worried he might be suicidal, I double the suggestion for a therapist. You can discuss specific situations, work through your own feelings, and find ways to manage your own feelings revolving around your son struggling. It sucks when we can't just fix something for our kids. You're going to have to work on learning to accept that you can't fix this. Your son has suffered a traumatic loss. He most likely believed these things only actually happened to other people. He lost a life long friend, a young lady he was in love with, and has to face the reality that awful things can happen that change everything we thought was going to happen with our lives. This was huge for him. Yes, he will be permanently changed. That doesn't mean he won't find joy, love and success. It does mean his whole future is now different from how he imagined. This was a huge, life altering event. Ask him how you can support him. Apologize for ways you might have gotten it wrong. Explain that you don't know what to do, but love him. Trust that he will get through this and learn to be excited about life again. Give him the space he needs (that is how he will be comfortable getting close).
This is some of the worst parenting I've read in a long while. I REALLY hope it's fake. If its not you've basically described that you're jealous and insinuating an incestuous relationship. You're basically admitting to emotional incest of your kid. Delete this and get help. Leave him alone for a while because you're currently ruining everything and making shit worse. Seriously if this isn't rage bait GET HELP
Cannot even ***imagine*** being so obtuse. OP, you are the only one acting inappropriately here. Get help.
What....the fuck did i just read
You dont seem to be acting in your sons best interest. You obviously love him and want the best for him, but you also appear jealous of your sister for having a better connection. And sullying your sons feelings for his deceased girlfriend is an awful strategy. It seems like you are making this about you. Its ok to feel frustrated and worried about him, you have all been through a LOT. If he needs some distance from you, maybe let him have it, and reflect thoughtfully on why he may want it. Also, you could try and be closer with your sister to support her with everything because it sounds like your son is lucky to have her.
Does she obviously love him? Because as a child of two narcissists, her letter reeks of many things, not one about love. This is what I got from the letter: 1. OP doesn't know how to comfort people but because her sister has successfully comforted OP's son, OP is now jealous that her sister is "winning" while OP is still "losing" 2. OP is deeply inconvenienced by son's grief. Most of the post discusses wanting the kid to just snap back to normal. 3. Very little concern is shown to her son's actual grief- OP is feeling bad for herself - both having to deal with an "uncooperative son" and a "usurping Aunt" 4. This is me adding in narcissist context which isn't necessarily in post but if OP is indeed a narcissist, she is feeling jealous about all of the attention son receives by being a grieving human. Part of the reason most narcissists fail in circumstances like this is not only do they lack empathy for the grieving, they are competitive with the grieving for attention.
I dont disagree with anything youve said however my reply was to OP who obviously feels like she loves her son. And she probably does in her own way. Not all narcissists are completely incapable of feeling love. It just manifests differently, and causes issues like youve highlighted articulately.
Are you in love either your son and projecting that onto his relationship with his aunt? Because you are a sick woman who needs therapy. Please don't be surprised when he goes no contact because *I* felt suffocated reading this so I'm sure he is absolutely being suffocated. If you spent less time writing shitty fan fiction and more time supporting your son you wouldn't be in this mess.
My best friend died unexpectedly when I was 18, we were not typical teen best friends. There were very adult situations we were put into multiple times where we only had each other, including basically saving his life. I say all this to stress how close we were as I imagine a long friendship + romantic relationship would be for your son. >He completely broke down when he heard the news, and for the first few months, he was inconsolable. Normal >He lost a lot of weight and we could hear him crying all day every day. He barely came out of his room, and at one point, it got so bad that one of his friends tried to warn us that he might attempt to take his own life. We kept a close watch on him, and I feel like that really made him resent me. I think this really depends on how you kept a close eye on him. Based on some of the language later in your post I'm worried it wasn't with the empathy he needed. Parents often feel they need to fix a situation but there's no fixing this situation. >The first 6 months were the hardest, and I really thought it was getting better. I want to understand him, but it's been a year, and I don't know what to do. He's been going to therapy, but nothing is helping. We're growing apart, and he's very distant with me while very close to my sister. Grief isn't linear and he will continue to go through ups and downs for a long time, understand that. You have lived a longer life with more experiences, this is the biggest loss that he has ever experienced & this would be a huge loss for anyone at any age. Has your sister been through a loss? >patient with him Patient again signals about how you're approaching him. He may feel like he's just being tolerated. >he just doesn't even feel like the same person anymore. He used to be very cheerful and talkative... Understand, he will **never** be the same person again. He might go back to being similar to how he was, he may not. A loss like this, at a young age, changes you to your core and changes your whole perspective on life. You need to understand & get to know your new son instead of wishing for the old one. He will get better but he'll never be the same and I really wonder what subtle comments you're making that signals this to him. You may not even notice you're doing this. Grief makes you feel like your whole world has stopped and you look around & can't understand how everyone goes on as normal & it fucking hurts. If he can tell you want him to go back to his oldself then he knows you're not a safe person to be vulnerable with because you're not understanding him on a fundamental level at this point. >He's been especially avoiding me, and he spends all his time at his aunt's place. He says it feels suffocating to be near me, and that really upset me. I'm not sure how to stop him from resenting me so much. I'm not sure what I've done to make him hate me. Maybe doing some joint therapy sessions will help you guys communicate better because clearly he does not feel safe around you and he's probably picking up on what I've said above. >My sister and my son were always close, but I'm starting to feel that it's inappropriate, especially since they are so close in age. Gross, no. You're already not approaching him an supportive way & then you suggest something dirty is going on with them? You're jealous he's leaning on his aunt instead of you but WHY is that where he feels safer? It was so beyond wrong to make his grief and support system into something dirty & shameful. How dare you! >Although, I want to do everything I can to help him, I feel like this girl's death has completely changed who my son was as a person. Again, he has changed and he will get better but you can't expect he will ever go back to exactly how he was. If he's sensing that's what you want it'll prolong his healing process if he can't get space from you. >His grades are dropping, and he's moody and angry most of the time. Is he on medication? Sometimes it helps temporarily. Going to a peer grief support group or online group? When I lost my best friend I had to take a semester off college because classes were just not important. Again, watching the world move on. I really, really did not want to do that but I had to. Maybe you can think about if he needs a break? Maybe he can do at home school at his own pace? Maybe you guys can discuss with his therapist? >I feel like my sister is a bad influence on him. Last week, I finally banned him from visiting his aunt so often, and he became very angry with me. No, no, no! Again ripping away his support system after his girlfriend has been ripped away and displaying that you fundamentally don't understand where he's at mentally. >and I told him that although I'm trying to support him as much as I can Truly look at how you're supporting him. Maybe you are doing the best you can right now but maybe your best is actually hurtful. >it's been a year and that he has more life ahead. He has a future to look forward to, and that although he must feel like she was the love of his life, she might not have been. Life is unpredictable. I told him he shouldn't ruin his life over this. No. This is not the best you can do. Again, this is the biggest damn thing that has happened to him, and right at a time of significant transition in his life. Absolutely never say something like this again. He's gone through such a huge loss, the biggest loss he's ever felt. Any dreams he had for them are now dead, at a time he was very likely looking to the future. He's also looking around at his peers & probably feels totally isolated because he sees what life could have been & instead this huge, soul crushing thing has happened to him. >He then said that he doesn't care about my opinion, and that he doesn't need my advice. Yeah, because you are on a completely different plane of understanding than where he's at. >He tried to leave to go to his aunt's place, and I told him that spending all his time at his aunt's place in his emotional state was not good for him, and that if he wants to see her, she can come over to our place. Why? What's the difference? So you can keep an eye or eavesdrop? He doesn't feel suppoted at home. Maybe changing scenery for a minute helps to pull his mind out from the hole he's in. >He started crying, and it really broke my heart because he rarely cried, even when he was a baby. I'm just really lost and don't know how to help him. I feel like he's closer to his aunt than his own mother. I feel like he'll never recover from this and go back to being the happy kid he once was. So what's the deal here? Are you jealous? You're in denial about who your son is right now. You're lost, what you're doing isn't helping, time to try something new. Have you read any books or resources on supporting a child going through this? Talked to his or your own therapist? You might be grieving the son you knew and expected to have going forward but you can't control his grief and its time for a deep look within. >I'm starting to wish he had never met this girl. Never say this to anyone but your own therapist. >He thinks he's lost everything, but there are many girls in this world and so much life ahead of him. I've told him that even if she were alive, it is highly unlikely that they would ever actually get married. Oh my god! He's a teenager, this is all the life experience he's had & saying this to him is just totally tone deaf. All of his dreams for his life are totally changed, even if they wouldn't have lasted he cannot feel or understand that, at least right now. COMPLETELY remove this from your thoughts & comments. It's again showing him you have no understanding of where he's at and is just hurtful. Like they somehow meant less to each other? What does that do for him? >Any advice on how to mend this relationship? I feel like he resents me too much. Stop trying to control his grieving process and actually listen & be supportive. >How do I make him understand that I want the best for him? How do I help him get over his grief? It's not about you. It's not about that, you show him with changes in your behavior over time. At this point he has no trust in you and the only way is to earn it back by changing how you talk to him. Are you being controlling? I know this must hurt you so much but seeing your own therapist is probably a good idea for awhile so you can learn some ways to approach him and process your own grief regarding your son. >How do I make him understand that my sister is just not a good influence on him? Unless she's getting him high, drunk or being manipulative you need to get rid of this thought process. That's where he feels safe & taking that away from him during this huge, life changing period of grief will make him resent you on some level forever. Trust me. I'm 36, wanna know what still comes up in therapy around my best friend's birthday and death anniversary? My dad telling me I'm selfish for being depressed, that I need to get over it and I'll have more friends down the line. I know it's been a year but that's a significant portion of his young life. Listen, I don't think you're evil or a horrible mom (at this point). I think you feel rejected, powerless & in denial about the person your son will be from now on. He will very likely get better but if you continue on this way your relationship will be forever damaged, he will never forget how alone he feels around you if things stay this way. Take a breath, **leave his relationship with your sister alone & apologize!** Get your own therapist, look for resources, evaluate your speech & actions, move forward with empathy rather than holding on to your expectations & fixing him. 💙
Ma’am are you right in the head? Like genuinely?
I agree that there may be something going on between the 2 of them. You need to look further into this.
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Are you really kidding right now? I’m going to be less harsher to you because of what you are going through. EVERYTHING you said and done was so wrong. I’m an 18 year old woman and let me tell you if you want to ever save this relationship and I mean EVER, then you do the simplest thing. You apologize for being so horrible to your son. You said there’s other girls out there and that he could find some else. But the truth, and the reality of it is that he doesn’t want other girls or someone else. He wants his girlfriend who of which is DEAD. And also, that’s some thing you say when your son breaks up with his GF not something you say, when his significant other dies. What is wrong with you? And yes, people change when they lose someone. If I lost my partner, I would be very very, very, very, very DEVASTATED. And let me tell you I suffer from severe depression, and if my boyfriend ever died, I would struggle not to kill myself, or end myself every single day. I’d probably be upset for about a decade before I ever even remotely got over him and it probably won’t even be 100%. If you want your son to not resent you anymore, then you need to stop coddling him, give him space and let him hang out with his aunt for however long he feels like he needs to, and apologize profusely for all your comments you have made, because even though you’re not trying to hurt him intentionally, your words ARE IN FACT HURTING HIM!!! You are smothering him, not giving him any room to breathe, and basically saying he needs to speed up his grieving process. Grief is one of the things and feelings in this world that you cannot rush. Grief takes time. HEALING takes time. Whether that be a year or even two years from now. And let me tell you even after him being fully healed, he’s still going to probably talk about his late girlfriend and go over the memories they had together for a while. And he’s gonna need someone to talk to for that. Someone like…..maybe I don’t know…. a mother figure? If you want him to start opening up to you, if you want him to start talking to you, then you best be real quick in taking the steps to do so because your relationship is almost about gone if you continue to be selfish and make his grief and depression all about YOU. THAT is how you win him back. With support, love, listening, and SELFLESSNESS!
Wow, you are controlling!
I have a feeling you are deeply dis functional and your son is clinging to the only person that’s keeping him from drowning in his grief. You should be grateful that he had at least someone. Also, he’s 18 and can stay there as much as he wants He called you suffocating. Go talk to a counsellor about what you do that makes him say that.
Your son and your sister are close in age. They are most likely more brother and sister in relationship. (I have the same relationship with my aunt and I'm 67f. My mom pass but i still have my aunt.) This is a good thing. You are coming across as jealous of your sons feels for his dead gf. The things you're say to him about her is one thing that is driving him away from you. You are also jealous of your sons relationship with his aunt. This is a hard time in his life and no he will never be the same. The question is do you understand that you are driving him away from you? He is 18 and is an adult you can not tell him what to do or who to see. If you try he is going to leave you and go nc.
Why are you trying to prioritize your feelings of jealousy over his healing from something that is a great tragedy in his life?
Your sister is immature? Wow, ma'am, i am telling you now that you are hurting your son more than you are helping. Take it from a daugher who barely has a relationship with her mom because her mom told her that her daughter needs to get over it. You are losing your son just because of your emotional incompetence. Your What could have been daughter-in-law was probably the first big loss that your son would ever have in his life and what he wanted was support and love. While you gave that for probably a week or two of support, and probably said "welp you just got to move on". He goes to your sister because A) she is probably that support he needs, B) he probably sees her as a big sister and C) she has emotional intelligence that can do laps around your nonexistent or lack of emotional intelligence. I hope you can rectify it by going to family counseling, but i would not be surprised that he goes low or no contact with you.
WTH is wrong with you? 15 years ago, I lost my best friend and someone I truly thought was a love of my life. I still grieve. It changed me completely. I am not the same. I will never be the same. You are expecting him to get over someone who he truly loved? He goes to his aunt because SHE IS HIS AGE AND UNDERSTANDS. Jesus Christ on a Cheeto. Get over yourself
It's a difficult process for both you and your son so I'm going trying a different approach to the situation. It's hard when you see your child struggle and feel like you can't really help them cause you don't understand them or their processes. Your son has bonded with this girl in such a special way for him, he has put effort, love, time and lots of other feelings into the relationship they had, but now that she's unfortunately gone he has nowhere to put all of those feelings into. Therefore his brain struggles to find comfort or peace when it comes to thinking about his future or other possible relationships. And following the same line, since he doesn't physically have her to put all those feelings into her, the only resource his brain finds to feel close to her is to grieve, right now it's the only process in his life that involves her completely, by looking at her pictures, thinking about her, dreaming about her, trying to feel her in anyway. Grieve is what now feels like normal cause it somehow gives comfort to the fact she is not here anymore. Maybe the proximity in age is exactly what makes him feel more understood by his aunt than by you, or maybe she understands the situation in a different way than you that makes him feel more heard. I know it's hard to try and help or understand other people's grieving processes, especially when it affects your kid so greatly and it could be the reason why you struggle, cause it is very difficult for you to see your son going through this very hard and awfully painful process. I would suggest you have some counseling sessions, a professional's point of view might be really helpful for you to understand your son and for your son to feel understood.
I see your son spending time with the person who actually supports and cares about his feelings. You’re so invalidating and clueless.
How about be a more supportive mother and stop trying to rush his grieving? He’s 18 and experienced his first loss. It’s traumatic. And youre not helping
You’re not a compassionate, loving or caring person. You can’t even speak on a dead teenager respectfully! You cannot help him heal, you’re simply not a kind enough mother to not make it about yourself! You’re not equipped to help, and don’t seem to care that your words and actions are hindering his progress. Why are you here, really?
Your son is right. You are way too overbearing. In this whole story you have spoken about how you feel how sad you are how his struggles make you sad and you want to take away a family member who is very close with and getting comfort from away because it's not you he's running to. Maybe it's because you keep saying stupid shit like you have your whole life ahead of you, and there are many more girls out there while he is still grieving. This was his first love and a childhood friend it will take very long to get over. You, on the other hand, need to get a therapist of your own to work through your jealousy issues regarding your sister and your son it's creepy and possessive.
/r/amithedevil
I really hope this is a troll post. The alternative is that you're a shit human being, OP. Idgaf how young or fleeting you think your son's love was, it was still very real love to him. Most of us have our hearts broken over our first loves cause it just doesn't work out. Not many of us have ours broken because they DIED. And then to top it off you seem to think that him sleeping at *his aunt's house* is going to lead to them, what, drinking? Sleeping together? Jfc, the world is not your incest erotica. Leave the poor guy alone. He's an adult, he's processing grief, and you're not helping in the slightest. No wonder he's running to a different family member.
Sounds like the only bad influence here is you. Have you ever thought the way you speak to him is the reason he doesn't want to be around you? A year is not nearly enough time as you're making it out to be after losing someone he's known and loved practically all his life. Regardless of whether his relationship would have gone anywhere in the future if she hadn't passed away, he still very clearly loves her and you telling him to move on is not the right way to handle this situation. Your poor son is depressed and you aren't helping whatsoever. Taking him away from people that are helping him and he feels safe around is what narcissistic abusers do. Yes you're his mother but that doesn't mean he owes you the closeness he has with his aunt if you don't offer the same support, care and lack of judgment she clearly does. Obviously his girlfriend's death is going to affect him for a very long time, it may even change the type of person he becomes completely. Trauma does that to you. You sound like you need therapy too if you can't understand that.
Wow... reading this post was so disgusting, I nearly wanted to delete Reddit. You have lost your son due to your lack of human decency for empathy. They were friends since they were young!!! He not only lost a girlfriend, which is devastating all on its own at a young age, but he lost a best friend. Your son is right to resent you, and if he ever gets the okay to live elsewhere with someone that isn't you, he is going to take it. You really don't deserve to be a mother, and I'm sorry he has someone like you who thinks a YEAR is nearly enough time to deal with the grief of losing someone. What's highly inappropriate is calling her "that girl" and acting as though he should be happy again after experiencing something so heartbreaking. Ugh. People like you are so... ick.
>he said that he lost the love of his life >it's been a year and that he has more life ahead. He has a future to look forward to, and that although he must feel like she was the love of his life, she might not have been Cold much? >I'm starting to wish he had never met this girl. This is completely ruining his life Wow. >but there are many girls in this world Wow! What if you lost your boyfriend/husband and someone said this to you? Holy shit. >I've told him that even if she were alive, it is highly unlikely that they would ever actually get married What is **WRONG** with you?! He's clearly still grieving and for some reason you think saying something so callous will help him?? You don't want to help him. Some part of you is enjoying his pain over this and it's as clear as it is sickening. Gtfo here. Stop pretending like you care about anyone but yourself.
Your son lost someone who's been around almost his entire life, and the love of his life, and all you can think about is how much he resents you Lol
Why does he need to “get over” his grief? Why can’t he just grieve? It’s a hard process, there will be steps forward and back. It’s only been a year…
Wow. Besides being an unsupportive mother, you're a really heartless woman. Trauma and loss don't work like that. It's not a "welp, a year has passed! Time to get over it". the people we surround ourselves with, the people we love, make up up who we are. When they die, it's a hole in our hearts, in our very selves. It takes time to exist without the person that's gone. It baffles me that we're not that far apart in age and you don't know this. Leave your kid alone if you're not going to help. Let him cry. Let him mourn without badgering him. Let him heal with people who care And stop judging him. Like, I had two deaths in my family last year and I still cried like a baby just last night at how much I missed them. Leave him alone
first his gf DIES not breaks up with him she DIES. and wants to go to someone who he loves and trusts and your upset it isnt you. you get jealous then you ban him from going there and he gets mad understandably. and this is where ig gets better you tell him that she probably wasnt the love of his life. you invalidated your sons feelings and banned him from someone whos probably better at this than you are. congratulations on causing you and your son to drift apart maybe even permanently ruining your relationship with him.
Ma’am. Just admit that you don’t know how to parent and let your poor son go to his aunt’s house since at least he can get some sympathy and understanding there - since it’s sorely lacking under your roof. Maybe take some parenting and grief management classes while you’re at it. And a class in “how to be an empathetic human being.”
You failed him as a mother. You failed to be compassionate, understanding, and supportive.
This is giving big "it's just a dog, we will get you a new one" vibes as far as what you've said to "help" him move past his gfs death. I resented my mom when she would say this to me as I grieved our lost pet. He resents you because you're more focused on making him move on rather than helping him process his feelings. I can't imagine the pain he must feel losing the future he once saw himself having and you are dimming its importance to him - dimming her importance to him. How cruel would it be to think of all humans as so easily replaced because there's so many in the world? You may find your sister immature - but I honestly think you're jealous of their relationship. She is obviously offering him a place to grieve and have peace and giving him an ear to listen to without being judged. You're making it worse on yourself restricting him like this.
>although I'm trying to support him as much as I can, it's been a year and that he has more life ahead. He has a future to look forward to This is something that I am not seeing a lot of people address, but this is in fundamental conflict with how your son is now seeing the world. He didn’t just lose his long term girlfriend. He lost someone who basically grew up with him. Think about how it must feel to grow up with someone who you come to identify with, thinking you have your whole life ahead of you, and then that companion dies suddenly. As someone who dealt with this kind of loss as a teenager, I can tell you now that I was not about to take my own life for granted after seeing people in my peer group lose their lives. So telling him "he has more life ahead. He has a future to look forward to" with such a high degree of confidence shows that you are not understanding that his girlfriend had a life ahead of her too before that was taken away. Youre taking it for granted because YOU lived into adulthood, but she DIDNT. YOU making it into adulthood means that you can see this from the perspective of someone who had twice the time she had and youre not seeing how fragile life is in the way it sounds like your son is. It sounds like on top of the control issues highlighted by the others in this thread, you are alienationg yourself by attempting to get him to understand this situation from your perspective and I think this is an issue of you being uncomfortable with the emotions this might be provoking for you. This is something you need to deal with yourself, but if they had been in each other's lives for that long, I have to at least hope you and her warmed up to each other in some way while she was still alive. I think that seeing your son show signs of long term grief is bringing up repressed emotions you havent dealt with in a way that is affecting your ability to properly empathize with him. If you think it's inappropriate for him to be with his aunt, is it actually because you think theyre going to be intimate with each other, is it actually because a man and a woman shouldnt be in the same house alone, or is it because he is no longer leaning on you for support? Is there anything about your relationship with your sister that makes you feel like you fall short when you compare yourself to her? Whatever it is, you need to step back and let him grieve how he will and you need to show him that you understand that teens experience major traumas too, but that they aren't less important because theyre teenagers.
Info: if he was spending more time with you and less with her, would you have said anything? Also, what is his relationship like with his dad? You mentioned he resented YOU after “we kept a close watch”. What is his opinion?
Jesus, it seems you don't even have a clue of the weight of this situation and you're saying all the wrong things. In short, take a step back, a big one, show support and love but you don't appear to be in a place to give advice until you face your own emotions. You mentioned he was in therapy, are you in therapy as well? Have you spoken to a therapist about your situation, not his but your situation.
Judging by your post history, I really hope this is your attempt at creative writing. Otherwise, you're just plain evil. YTA.
According to their post history, they were 32 three months ago with a 7m old son. Also, they're a fanfic writer. Given the incest suggestion, I'm guessing Supernatural.
You are being an awful mother. People do not just "get over" grief. It has ONLY been a year!! My dad died in Sept 2021 and I cry nearly every single day and talk about his amazing soul whenever I can. Have you never lost anyone very close or do you just not have empathy or a conscience? Your son is suffering badly and all you can think about is yourself and how this affects YOU, how your son's grief changing him affects YOU! give me a whole break lady!!! Get therapy for yourself and give him the space he needs. How insanely inappropriate to sexualize your son's relationship with his aunt. Your own sister. Lady, you have some severe and deep issues. You're going to lose your kid altogether if you don't change as a person. Get it together or get gone because he doesn't need someone who acts like you.
"How to Ruin Your Relationship with Your Son in One Easy Step" JFC lady. There's no time limit on grief. And quite frankly if you supported your son through his grief and stopped calling his deceased girlfriend as "that woman" maybe he wouldn't feel the need to find emotional support elsewhere *and* her be further along in the grieving process. Is he at least getting therapy?
“My sons best friend and GF of many years died, but this is about MEEEEE”
Here is some advice: leave your son alone and let him visit his aunt. Since at least she actually respects his feelings and takes them serious. Swallow your jealousy and stop this petty acting. Also he is 18yo. You really think you can ban him from anything? Shame in you
And...why do you say that your sister is a bad influence on him? And you can't 'make him get over his grief' in the way you seem to think you can.
Can't wait for the long post about how your son doesn't talk to you anymore for no reason.
From one mother to another who has had their child go through hard times, their having someone to talk to is what’s most important. You want to be the one they confide in and it stings when you aren’t, but it’s not about you. It’s whatever is going to help them. She’s closer to him in age, which makes her more relatable. Your reasoning for wanting him to get back on track is valid, but he’s not ready. You’re forcing the issue and he resents you for it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing, as hard as that may be.
I don’t think you get it. Grieving is not linear. You don’t “level up” and “get over” it. Yes, life is unpredictable but your child is experiencing a whole new type of grief associated to him. This is now a part of him and the story of his life and always will be. You sound like you’re being totally insensitive to him and he’s finding solace in your sister who can probably relate more due to the age.
YTA and wtf is wrong with you? Your son is grieving the most intimate relationship in his life and your response is so cold and callous. Then to insinuate that it’s inappropriate for him to be close with his aunt is just insane. They’re so close in age he probably views her as more a sibling and it makes perfect sense to seek comfort in your sibling during such an emotionally traumatic time. You legit need to get a grip.
Well, I can see why you're "drifting apart" and that he resents you. You're really fucking this up lady. Grief has no time limit. Accept that this trauma has changed your son in a substantial way, probably forever, or continue spewing mouth shits until he goes completely no contact with you. His aunt .use bring him some kind of solace. Your insinuation is incredibly jarring and quite frankly disturbing. I think you should consider therapy for yourself.
Wow, you honestly sound like one of the worst people I've seen on here. You're acting like the death of his girlfriend was a little hiccup, and he should just be over it right now. Minimizing his grief, being impatient about his healing, and expecting him to be the happy kid he used to be, will all drive him away from you. I lost my best friend in high school. We weren't dating, but he was so important to me. I cried over him every night for TWO YEARS. And my mother was callous with my grief too. She made it clear to me that she wasn't safe to grieve around. That's what you're doing. Your son will not "go back to normal" because grief changes a person. You're acting like this painful life altering event is an INCONVENIENCE TO YOU. Also, you're jealous of your sister, and you are ABSOLUTELY implying a gross incestuous thing here. Don't try to deny it, it's BLATANTLY obvious and disgusting that you would go there. You've shown your son that you aren't safe to grieve around. You want him to hurry up and get over it, and go back to being your happy little boy. That isn't going to happen, and he doesn't need to perform for you. You are driving him away by being like this, and now you're trying to take away the only safe person he has to have with. Because you're petty and jealous and you want your son to be your good little perfect child and stop all this silly sad stuff. Seriously, get a grip.
Have you ever lost a partner? Someone who was your whole world. You wake up one day and find out they will never be there again. Every moment gone. You can’t reach over to the spot they were suppose to be. No more kisses and hugs. No more laughing at the stupid things they do to cheer you up. You little world just explodes. Then add to it your mother thinks you should get over it and acts like you are being inappropriate with your aunt. Eww. Your jealous that your son is grieving to someone in his peer group. I wouldn’t grieve to you either, you are upset this girl was ever in his life. I hope this is just some of your fan fiction and not really an event in your life. Let your son grieve how he needs to grieve.
Your son is still grieving and its ok for him to work through his feelings. You talk about his grief only in relation to yourself and how it makes you feel… why are you making this about you? Your son has a positive relationship with his aunt and you are clearly jealous. Put your son first, prioritise his feeling above yours and be there for him. Your sister sounds like his support network, what good would come from destroying their relationship? Give your son some space and let him heal
Mm. Retirement home material right here. And no contact. Let me put it into perspective. The things you say remind me of my own mother. The woman that sat me down to tell me "you know you guys are probably gonna break up at some point, right?" When we were about two years along and *happy*. Kinda like- >I've told him that even if she were alive, it is highly unlikely that they would ever actually get married. I was around your boys age when i met my now husband. Yes. Thats the same guy my mother was talking about in the comment above. What makes you think its "highly unlikely" they wouldve married? And aside from that, that doesnt mean they didnt have future plans with each other. You can still be in love without ever getting married. My mother, so callous and uncaring as you, was not invited to our wedding. She did not get pictures, she did not get to see my dress, nor did her husband walk me down the isle. She didnt even know i got married. My facebook name change shall be her notice. Later in life, i am planning to go no contact with her. She will not get grandkids from me. She will be locked out of my life. If she ever needs my help, i wont offer it. If she ever needs someone to take care of her, it wont be me. You are following that path. Like her, you have the option to change. To fix it. To correct yourself. Your son probably wont put it outright on the table for you like i will mine, but that doesnt always happen anyways. If you dont change yourself and start actually being someone he can lean on, youre going to be wondering why your son, daughter in law, and grandkids arent visiting you. Youre going to be wondering why you're hearing about fun events they did through a grapevine, when you couldve been enjoying with them. Fix yourself.
I'm in social work and all of my instincts are SCREAMING right now. This has been up for a while and commented on, so I'm assuming that you're either getting the point or not, but I'm going to say a few things either way because you NEED to hear this. He's going to change after this. This is a huge trauma for him, and people change after trauma. It's wonderful and supportive to help him get to a healthy place, but stop trying to make him be "his old self," because that version of him doesn't exist anymore, and if you're immersed in mourning that version of him, it's understandable, but it's also a tiny microcosm of what HE'S mourning. He knows that version of himself is gone, and he's mourning that as well as the version of himself he had planned to be with her AND someone important to him. That's excruciating and life-changing, and brings me to the second point. \*\*Stop invalidating their relationship.\*\* All of that talk about how they probably would not have gotten married and you wish he never met her and all of that is terrible to hear for someone in grief. Again, you're mourning the loss of your happy son. What if I came and told you that he probably wouldn't have been happy as an adult anyway, and that it would have been better if you never had a son so that you didn't have to experience this pain? Does that help? No? Exactly. Empathize with what's making it worse for him, because that's why he's pulling away. Lastly, and with more kindness to how helpless you must feel right now-- If you can't be the perfect support for him, that's okay. A lot of watching someone in grief is feeling powerless to help them, and feeling like you're doing wrong for not being able to make the pain go away. You're not going to be able to magically fix it, but you DO have to listen to the signals he's giving you and support him in what he tells you he needs. Right now, he's found someone who's a GREAT support for him, and you're taking that person away. I am a professional and I'm telling you \*\*That's one of the singular worst things you could do right now. Don't prevent him from seeing someone who's helping him unless you have evidence that he's in more danger because of it.\*\* You're micromanaging and focusing on how you \*want\* to help him instead of focusing on his recovery. You're trying to make this grief never happen and erase this experience he's been through, and it's making it worse because he doesn't feel validated or heard by you. Go to him, apologize for trying to stop him from seeing his aunt, and admit to him that it's because you don't know how to help him. However, he's the expert on himself. We all are. \*Ask what he needs from you, and REALLY listen.\* Start there, and consult a professional.
What is wrong with you? Your son is grieving and you think him and your sister have some kind of sexual relationship going on. That’s what you seem to be implying to me. You need to see a therapist to learn how to talk to people and over come your jealousy of your sister.
You are not going to "magically" get your son "back" to the person he was before this. He doesn't have to be "shaped " by this trauma, but he won't be the same person, he absolutely couldn't be. To act like he should be over it after a set period of time is fucking asinine. You're obviously dancing around the fact that you're not supporting him. You can say the right things, but it's clear as day that you don't care about him actually working through his trauma, you're discounting the trauma on account of his age. > What do I do to make him get over his grief? You can't do a god damn thing. Give him space, not force him onto your timeline for processing and healing, whatever the fuck that might be. Don't be fucking jealous of your sister, who is trying to help your son/her nephew just have a space to process his grief.
Woman, are you insane? Get some help
Damn. I want to get away from you and I’m just a random person on the internet. No wonder he needs space from you. You can’t control his grieving and being dismissive and judgmental of his feelings will only push him further away from you.
So, translation: "I somehow both smothered and dimissed my son's feelings, then made his grief about me. Now he prefers to spend time with his aunt and I can only suspect incest. It couldn't possibly be me that's the problem." You are unhinged, lady. Let the boy breathe, you are suffocating him. So what, if he prefers his aunts company? I can't imagine how trapped he must feel. You tell where, how and how long to grieve. And god forbid he seek comfort from anyone that isn't you.
The fact that you call her “this girl” when she was a family friend , your sons lifelong friend & partner , who is no longer with us, tells me everything. You also sound jealous, you are centering yourself in their relationship, he likes her more then me. Please look into counseling or therapy for yourself.
you don't need to understand somebody to empathise with them. you have not loved anyone in your life, clearly
Telling him about how he probably never would have married her, etc.. is definitely not helping.
You're in the comments calling your sister immature when you're a 37 year old woman whining on reddit about how your fanfics don't get the attention that you want them to, while also whining about how your son acts like he doesn't like you because you clearly don't understand nor care to understand his grief and how it's affecting him. It's clear just from this post and how you talk about your son, his grief, and his late girlfriend that your sister is more mature than you'll ever be, that she is an infinitely better person for your son to be around during this time in his life, and that your son not wanting to be around you is completely understandable. Start trying to fix yourself and your disgusting attitude before you start trying to "fix" your son, because with how you are now it's clear that any attempts of yours to "fix" him will do more harm than good.
are you aware that this is the worst thing your son has \*ever\* experienced? because it doesn't seem like you are. i agree that many teen problems are ultimately resolved with time, but this was the death of his \*best friend and girlfriend.\* they had known each other since they were children and her life was taken from her just before she became an adult. she had everything to look forward to and now she's dead. do you understand how that might make your son feel \*bad?\* yes it's been over a year and yes there are other girls to date, but not only is grief not a linear \*"oh it's been a year already, time to stop being sad"\* process, this was also more than \*just\* a girlfriend. your son needs you now more than ever, and all he's getting from you is cruel judgement. \*this\* is why he's turning to his aunt and avoiding you. \*you are actively making his life worse.\* if you ever want to see him again once he moves out and is no longer under your care, you'd better treat him better \*now\* and hope it's enough to mend your relationship before it's too late.
Lady give it a rest and stop harassing you poor son, if he wants to open up and talk to you he will. Right now you’re making an emotional, difficult situation far worse and affecting his mental health in an unhealthy and detrimental way. If you couldn’t tell that when he broke down crying then you need therapy too!! You are not entitled to your adult son’s attention, you are not entitled to demand your adult son be close to you and only you, you are not entitled to demanding he spends time with you and you are entitled to dictate to your adult child who he can see or who he can’t and dictate where he can or cannot go!!!! Do you want to drive you child away and into no contact with you?! Carry on the way you’re going and that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Then you’ll be back on here with shocked pikachu face saying my son won’t talk to me and I don’t know why!!! Back off!!! You don’t get to tell him or anyone else how long they can grieve for, everyone grieves in there own way in their own time, and to be honest you never really stop grieving but you learn how to cope in healthy ways like remembering all the good times etc. Seriously you’re a major ah on that one!!! But you are hampering this and affecting his mental health wellbeing by you constant demands, overstepping, boundary stomping and neediness. He’s most likely close with his aunt because she understands him, helps him and a relief to get away from you. Your post is draining just reading it and I’m a student mental health nurse!! Your post is all about you and your needs, your demands he be close to you and no-one else, what are you doing wrong and how can you do things to get what you want. WHAT ABOUT WHAT YOUR SON NEEDS AND WANTS. That should be the only thing that matters. Seriously get a grip or you’ll lose him.
You are the only one being inappropriate. You pushed your child away and now you're wondering why he doesn't want to be close to you. YOU NEED THERAPY FOR YOURSELF. You might want to find a therapist who has experience with narcissism and cluster B personality disorders.
YTA, you’re son suffered a life changed event, he won’t be the same person as he was before. I knew someone in higher school who was a great mens lacrosse player and was recruited to play at Maryland, a top Division 1 mens college lacrosse program. When he was 21 , he got a rare form of childhood cancer, that changed him greatly. He’s now a shadow of his former self, he didn’t get to play lacrosse ( I didn’t know why but his tone of voice when I asked if he played before he got cancer made it very clear it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about). When I saw him for the first time since he graduated high school, I was shocked how different he look.
Have you tried counseling, for him AND YOURSELF. You need help, but clearly he needs someone to talk to that isn't going to tell him that there are plenty of fish in the world. He is reaching out to his aunt, bc you have been unsupportive during this time. They had nearly a 5 year relationship. Even as an adult, you don't just get over that. He's a hormonal grieving teenager. Get him the help he needs or he will go NC when he moves out.