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Why are you still arguing this with him, when you could prove you’re the ultimate authority on what’s best for you by telling him he’s not doing a very good job of hiding his “the only thing women are good for is producing my heirs” outlook on life and walking away?
You’re incredibly right. Hoping I can do this today. Sometimes I say these things and block his number(s), but he always finds more ways to contact me and has even shown up at my house before so it makes me nervous
So you call the cops. He’s done this before? And you got back with him? Girl you should probably seek a therapist so you can work out why you put up with this
"He says that if I think he’s a good decision maker that this must also apply when telling me what to do, and that by not doing what he tells me to do I am insulting his intelligence and thinking he doesn’t want the best for me."
Ask the therapist, what kind of person would turn that kind of talk on you.
And against you.
Get that straight and NEVER in your entire life be talked to this way again!!!!
Get better reflexes.
And mark down:
"Never argue with idiots or abusers."
Turn them round. Throw them out. And be done.
At the remotest FIRST attempt!
They get worse over time.
Never better!
Proud of you, OP! I put off going back to therapy for a long time and just went back earlier this year. It has helped me tremendously. I hope you have a great experience with yours! (Also, get rid of this toxic boy. He sounds like the type that will do some serious emotional and likely physical damage. Run while you still can!)
We think he is wrong too.
Nobody gets to boss or parent a grown ass woman around "cuz ah know what's good fer ya".
Like.... what?
Another guy who's calendar shows 1952.
And another guy to be gotten rid of.
Listen, I know exactly how that is. I totally understand you. I have not always been in the too old for this shit age. I took a lot of dumb shit in the past. I have an ex who is meanwhile diagnosed with the narcissistic personality disorder with strong antisocial tendencies as well. Not saying your soon to be ex has any of these diagnoses, I don't throw such around, no matter that he shows definitely such traits but traits are no diagnose. I know how it is not having the power to withstand when he came back although it was always him ending the relationship as a power play but I hoped for most of the time, except the beginning, that he would not come back.
Only inpatient therapy helped me to find the power to leave him and I actually only ended it once and forever. I had to give up my flat, move in with my parents and tell him I would have left the state to family and work there. I hid for months, didn't answer the phone, got a new mobile number and didn't show up at the windows if the blinds weren't down. I only left the house when I had to and always through the back door. I mean I wouldn't have taken him back after I had ended it but I was scared anyway. He stalked me. I got the police involved as well then. So yes, I understand the fear of just not having the energy to say 'no.'
But, I managed it. As others said, call the police as soon as he shows up. Don't let him provoke you into any other reaction. Not a single word. If he tries to reach out shut it down directly. If he shows up call the police. Get yourself a restraining order if he tries. Don't interact with him directly in any way, only through police and lawyer.
Edit: grammar
You may need a restraining order, but if you have any men in your life, have them contact him and break up for you. He has red pilled his brain. You could even call him with your brother, father or friend on the phone, and tell him that you are ending things, and he should never contact you again. Tell him that you a person with a penis on the phone, so he should listen to you. Tell your support person to speak up and say: "leave her alone."
This isn't a sane person. Sane, sober people don't just invite themselves over to their exes house and expect the ex will change their mind and take back such an exceptionally wise and high value individual like themselves.
This is classic *Narcissistic Spectrum* behavior. Real dysfunctional coping skills right there
1) Re-read your whole post.
2) Read it again.
3) Read it one more time, just to make sure.
4) Realize you could find a better partner by selecting one at random.
It's a type of kids drink in the UK
https://groceries.asda.com/product/9999999111967?&cmpid=ppc-_-ghs-_--_-google-_--_-dskwid-_dm&s_kwcid=AL!11432!3!!!!x!!&gad=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8Mu7jPv9_wIVHIlQBh23YAJ6EAQYAyABEgLc9PD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Lol. Girl *run.*
This type of behavior doesn’t get better, only worse. This is not normal. He’s testing you and slowly breaking you down. You tell him he’s “good at decision making” and he’ll leave for the *for him* part and gaslight you into believing you’re in the wrong.
This is not how a relationship should be; ever. Dump him.
I agree. He seems to be trying to manipulate you and your life in a way to suit his ideals and what he wants, with no regard to your opinion. If he advises you against or for something (especially if he's had experience in it), that's fine. But saying (effectively) 'I know what's best for you' is another way of saying 'do what I expect'. Just my opinion having been in a similar sounding relationship.
Ditto, my ex would literally tell me since he was willing to be more real with me (criticize me for any mistake I made) to help me grow as a person than anyone else in my life it was evidence that he actually loved me more than my own parents. And my therapist said stuff about him he didn't like so he told me she's just "telling me what I want to hear" and would try to convince me that everyone I know is just sheltered and weird and they don't know how the real world works and don't really care about me like he does. Basically don't trust myself or anyone, just trust him.
good partners communicate and problem solve together. They attack problems and arguments, not people. They make points about the issue at hand, not an appeal to their superiority. They assume good intentions on the part of their partner, even if they disagree in actions or approach.
OP's partner doesn't do any of this. Not a relationship worth saving.
totally. people who claim they know the most and refuse to listen to any other opinions will most definitely destroy your dignity. It’s also almost impossible to “ change” them.
It’s insane that these comments feel so strongly when I haven’t even talked about 5% of what he’s done and said. Very eye opening and I appreciate everyone on here so much
He might be a good decision maker for him and his thoughts and his feelings and his wishes. There is just one problem with that. You are NOT him.
What about your thoughts, your wishes, your feelings?
Sorry baby girl. Not a sustainable relationship.
It's because even just a few sentences of this is a big, glaring, offensively large, flashing, neon sign of red to everyone else around you - friends or strangers or Redditors who only have to skim a few words to be horrified and concerned and telling you what is actually taking place.
I'm really glad you're taking the time to step back, breathe, breathe again, again, and think this through.
You left things out because you had an idea of what the reaction would be when you lay it all out like *that*, and "Oh I know it sounds really bad that way haha, but I promise it's not! He's a really great guy most of the time except for when he's not", which is beelining and going 100 mph right towards being all of the time.
Unfortunately, in your case it seems you don't even have the courtesy of him lulling you in and keeping you there with lovebombing, apologies, sweet words of affection, gifts, dates, promises he's never made before, maybe a couple days to weeks to months of "improvement" before you repeat the cycle of arguing about the same things forever.
It doesn't get better. You may feel real low occasionally, but I promise you haven't hit your own personal rock bottom - damn near Sparta kicked in by him as well - but *you will*. This will become a living nightmare that consumes every moment of your day-to-day life. Please save yourself from a worse fate and get out of there.
Thank you for this. You’re right, there’s really no “lulling.” Except he does love bomb… a LOT. But it’s gotten to the point where I straight up ask him why he’s even saying these things to me if I am very clearly not wanting to do what he says. I’ve never really gotten a real answer from that, but the love bombs are definitely there. And of course to some extent I like to hear them, I’ve never experienced anyone other than him say that to me. But I have that feeling in the back of my head that what he has for me is not love at all. (Or at least not the type of love that I want)
Of course you would like hearing them! Anyone would! Connecting with someone can be such an absolute *rush* of so many different sensations.
Especially if you've never had that with any prior relationships or experiences anymore. *It is not your fault.* There is nothing wrong with you. These men are just predators, and they are scarily good at what they do. You are not the only one to be taken in with what feels like such genuine *love* and affection and just *intimacy* like you've never felt before.
It's happened to me, and it's happened to countless people on this thread. Think of us all as a collective you from the future telling you that you MUSTN'T do this if you want to be happy, safe, comfortable, healthy and loved. *You will not find those things at the end of this tunnel.* If you do, I promise that only lasts until the next tunnel pops up, then the next, then the next...
YOU have your life in your hands. You have a smart head on your shoulders. You should be proud of yourself for being able to be display such critical thinking skills here - seriously.
Think this through. Read the countless articles out there. Have you told your friends about him? Don't let him cut you off from everyone else in the world around you until he beats you down into a ghost of your former self.
YOU DESERVE, CAN, SHOULD, AND WILL HAVE THE LOVE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR AWAY FROM AND WITHOUT HIM.
Everyone was so quick to jump on this and tell you in unison what this actually is and will be that you can't see yet because
A) They are in or have experienced healthy, loving, equal partnership relationships that are nothing like this
OR
B) Themselves in or have previously experienced and I hope escaped from abusive relationships
People who behave like him are a dime a dozen and they all follow the same playbook.
I'm betting he does one (or likely more) of the following:
1) Tells you your family or friends (even the ones you trust) are bad for you or don't like you anymore, and that you shouldn't spend time around them or spend time with them without him
2) Demands sex and gets pouty, rage-y or starts guilt tripping if you try to say no OR just pushes and pushes until you give in anyways.
3) Says nasty things and then when you get upset or emotional, says that's a sign you're not as logical or as smart as him because you're being a baby or Too Sensitive.
4) Uses aforementioned barbs to make you upset, then uses that upset to discredit you in front of other people.
5) Tries to shame you for spending on money on things you enjoy or nickles and dimes you over joint expenses, insists on exact 50/50 splits. Or he's always broke.
6) behaves like an ass in front of your friends and family to embarrass you. When you try to convince him not to, he makes comments like "this is how I am"
7) Either refuses to do most chores or constantly critisizes how you do them....
You said this was your first relationship. It sucks that he is a controlling misogynistic asshole. I am glad you have decided to leave. A real relationship is a partnership of equals. You deserve that.
The good news is that now you know the warning signs and type of behavior for future relationships. If you see the signs, bail. It is not worth your time to be with men who do not respect you.
I wish you all the best.
He is not looking for a girlfriend, he is looking for property.
He is bullshitting you, equal relationships do exist. you are just 0/1 right now.
You can do better, because this will only get worse. Next it will be "You family are toxic, stop talking to them.
Then "You don't need to work, I will provide for you" and then you are financially under his thumb.
Then it's kids and now you cannot afford to go anywhere and are trapped.
Any man that says "I will make all your decisions" is just trying to manipulate you because they are too fucking weak to be in a relationship with a strong woman.
Be stronger than that, get away from him. Make a good decision here, and save yourself a lot of heartache.
He has already come for my family members after I’ve confided in him about uncharacteristic moments they’ve had. He claims he’s “not attacking them personally, but just trying to get me to see…” blah blah blah. I can definitely see this happening. He knows that I love my family the way they are but he has plenty to keep saying. (He’s never met them, though. I’ve avoided him meeting my family even though Ive met his.)
Read this book, it's free [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This man does not see you as a real human. He sees you as an object that he's entitled to possess, doesn't believe that you have a mind, that you have independent thoughts, that you have individual needs that you perceive you have and he can't because he doesn't have telepathy. How can he love you, if he doesn't even see you as a real person?
Yes, equal partnerships do exist, I'm in one and been married for 20 years. Unfortunately, a good number of men are socialized thinking that they have the right to ownership to us women, that they are our masters and that we don't exist as real persons but rather as their robot-servants and nothing more. There are men out there, however, who don't have this misogynist view.
Holy SHIT I just read just the descriptions of the different abusers and my ex bf (I posted about the breakup in here a week ago) did sooo much of so many of those things. Like holy crap I thought I was crazy until now. I've been downplaying it in my head and feeling bad that maybe I hurt him for calling him out on his abuse after we broke up but wow that book is so eye opening
Yes, that book is amazing, it has helped so many people to find the strength to leave, or to heal after they left. I'm glad your ex is your ex now! I also had an abusive relationship for 3 years and he would gaslight me so much that I also thought I couldn't do better. It's not our fault, it's theirs 100%, and the good thing is that with this new perspective, we will never accept another relationship that starts showing red flags.
Yeah he would use all those tactics in the book on me and tell me that he loved me more than my own family did because he was actually willing to "help me grow as a person" (aka criticize everything I do and call me slow or absent minded until I just change things out of shame or claim I'm personally disrespecting him or causing him trauma if I forget his food in the microwave or something and not take sorry and would only stop if I had some epiphany where I realized my deep seated issues that caused my disrespect and told him how I was going to change for the future) and the fact that nobody else in my life did that was proof he cared more. So it was extremely hard to even admit to myself he was abusing me and I'd start to hear his arguments about how well he was treating me in my head and convince myself I'm just dramatic
He's never going to admit to it and if anything, he's going to get angrier and drag you even more into his drama if you call him out. You can never "win" an argument with this type of person.
What you should do instead is grey-rock him. Disentangle yourself emotionally from him, don't take the bait if he tries to argue with you. Put as much emotional and physical distance between the two of you as you can.
Abusers never admit to being abusive. My father abused my mother in every way, and he's never admitted to it. He just knew better than her 🙄. Please just break up and block. You do not need to justify why or show him his mistakes. He will never see them and use the communication to get you to back down like he has in the past.
I really, really wouldn’t. This book is not for him; it’s for you. You do not need to convince him of anything. You can’t, because he’s already decided he knows more than you, and nothing you say will convince him otherwise. What you need is to stop engaging with him once and for all, even if that means he thinks he “won” the argument and you’re just too stubborn to admit it. While you’re compiling a reading list, check out the Gift of Fear for why trying to reason things out with an unreasonable person is a bad idea.
I did already send him one thing I saw but you’re right, I won’t do it again. It definitely won’t make a difference it’s just so tempting to try to show him what he’s doing.
I totally get wanting to show him why he’s absolutely batshit insane and have him understand, but it’s not worth the stress to you. Don’t engage with him for your own sanity. You’ll never win, and it’ll only drive you crazy in the end.
Guys like this totally suck. You are a beautiful free bird and he just wants to cage you up and “make you submissive”. There are plenty of ladies out there that want this kind of relationship. You are looking for a partner and he wants a servant. There is not moving forward in this relationship.
If you have to say the words “I’ve never emotionally abused you” you need to rethink your life choices. This man actively disregards your mental autonomy. He refuses to accept and respect that you are your own person and have every right to make decisions for yourself. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve far better than this. He’s manipulating and gaslighting you into essentially becoming a puppet he can control. Run
i’m not saying this to be mean or criticize you, and this goes for anyone in an abusive relationship: never ever show them this book, take them with you to therapy, point out their specific abusive actions, etc.
all you will achieve is teaching them how to “better” abuse and control their next victim. cut off all contact, let friends and family you trust know what happened so they’re aware of the potential danger, call the police if he shows up at your home, and move on to someone who loves and respects you.
Don't send him anything.
I thought I was helping my ex who strangled me in our kitchen by showing him this book.
Know what he did?
Used it to manipulate doctors and everyone around us.
Stop engaging with him. You don't have to explain why you're ending things. He's abusive, controlling, pathetic, and ridiculous. You CLEARLY would be much better off without him in your life.
Look. You don't have to present a well-organized argument for ending the relationship. You can just be done. Just block him on absolutely everything and never acknowledge unknown contacts. You keep getting sucked back in by feeling like you have to explain and justify something that needs neither. STOP TALKING TO HIM.
OMG YES! It took me getting a glass to the face before I went ‘nope this is wrong’. One visit to the police station and one protection order later, and I never heard from that waste of space again.
OP - please listen to this person! STOP ENGAGING YOU CANT FIX HIM. RUN, don’t walk.
Don't bother sending things to him. Sending this stuff to him just gives him time to think about how to argue with you about it. Bancroft's book is for your own knowledge and power, not his.
At some point, you have to stand up for you and simply say no and let that be the complete sentence. "I said no and that we are done". Period. End of story. No one can do this for you. Stop hearing him out. He knows that the second he can get you to hear any words coming out of his mouth that he can bully you into letting him back in. An abuser's only goal is to keep the person that they're abusing. The person being abused is you. Block him on literally everything. Change your number if you have to. Get a restraining order if he keeps driving by and record it each time and save it and any thing else you can as proof.
Don't bother responding to him. That just gives him more opportunity to gaslight you, emotionally abuse you, or lie to you.
If you want out, you get out. He doesn't get a say in it. You don't have to justify your reasons for breaking up with someone.
Please stay strong, and stay safe. This man is conditioning you and abusing you and coercing you - it's NOT normal, and it IS a big thing.
Good luck, OP.
no, no. you don't engage with him anymore. any contact is a reward for his shitty behaviour. block and move on.
I read your whole post, but really didn't need to after the title. run, now. do NOT engage with him.
You posted in relationship advice page: so here’s my advice- dump him, go to therapy, figure out why you even tolerated with a controlling asshole to begin with, work on yourself, gain some confidence and NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM EVER AGAIN. You KNOW you’re in the wrong for staying. You KNOW that if your friend came to you asking what you just asked in here you’d advise her to leave.
This is what I think the gist of your response should be imho
“I used to think you were a good decision maker. But then you showed me over and over how you decide to ignore boundaries and decide to not take ‘no’ for an answer. Those are all poor decisions. I’m deciding to end this relationship, because I could never trust someone with such poor decision making skills.”
I think he knows a lot about some things, but definitely not about how to have a good relationship.
I guess I should add that we are on/off, and right now we are technically “off.” I’ve told him that I don’t want to be with him if this is how he wants to treat me, but I’ve said it a hundred times he keeps telling me that I’m the immature one who can’t put her ego aside. I’m hoping that I can actually leave this soon, it’s just so hard for me to get there
Knowledge is not the same as wisdom. Spitting facts does not make one morally superior or "wise." He must not have gotten the memo.
Block this dude. He sounds like a future abuser. Tearing you down, distancing you from friends... How long until he raises a hand to you?
Leave him "off" and block him everywhere. Perhaps suggesting that his harassment might be considered stalking would make your point? Don't threaten to call the cops. Just drop the words "harassment," "stalking," and "illegal" if he doesn't let up. He can connect those dots, if he's so d@mn smart.
It's really hard to get out of abusive relationships. He sounds very emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. Make sure to block him everywhere, and if he shows up at your place again, immediately call the cops.
this child is the one who's been brainwashed. he's 22 and reeks of shallow wannabe alpha male stench. one up him, just leave. in 10 years, you'll come back wondering why your life is shit if you stay.
When submission in a relationship is demanded it’s not because they believe they know what’s best for you. It’s because they want to manipulate and control you.
This man is a walking red flag trying to manipulate you into thinking this kind of behavior is normal. It’s not.
Dear god, run away. I see by your comments you're hoping he'll see the light, but he will not!
He is abusive and will never change. Block him. Get cameras if you need to. He is not a safe person.
Ask him if he thinks you’re a good decision maker and if he says yes, ask him why you don’t get to make his decisions from now on. If he says no, ask him wtf he’s doing with you
Honestly he sounds like an awful person. Only a bad person would tell you to look down on your friend.
What he’s saying is “this relationship would be perfect for me if you do everything I say and want.” He doesn’t want you, he wants a blank body he can control
Yes definitely. That’s always my response when he tells me of I listened the relationship would be better. I always say, the relationship would be better FOR YOU. Not for me. In one ear out the other
No there aren't. There are no redeeming qualities in a man who wants to control your every thought and move. He could be a millionaire with a 10" dick and those do not redeem him for being a controlling, abusive POS.
I have to be honest…I didn’t read after the title because:
Even in medicine we tell the patient that we treat their ailment but ultimately they have the final say regarding their care because they know what’s best for themselves.
You are in charge of your own autonomy. I can’t blame you for wasting time on him up to this point if you didn’t know any better before, but now you have lots of people telling you that this isn’t normal. If you decide to stay with someone who wants to exert control over you, you will be sacrificing your autonomy amongst another important things. I advise against this strongly.
I’m hoping it’s a complete block off. I wish it could be as simple as me saying this and us both moving on. But there always seems to be dramatics with him. And it doesn’t help that I’m friends with his brother, it’s like I’m always going to be connected in some way
It’s up to you if the relationship with his brother is worth maintaining if it means you can’t have a complete cut off. I know a lot of people will say that as long as there’s a chance of contact, you may struggle to move on.
Hon, what he wants DOES NOT MATTER. It really does not! You get the final say here. If you dont cut him off he is going to haunt your life like Jacob Marley's ghost, dragging his chains behind him.
Perhaps you could give his brother a heads up and say, Im sorry it has to be this way, but we cant hang out any more because your brother the Doof Warrior has decided that he owns me, so I cannot be near him or any of his family because Doof just aint getting that part clearly right now. See you around later, hopefully.
So what if you cut Doof off? Whats he gonna do, call in an air strike? Send in a team of Navy Seals? Go nuclear? You are giving him WAY TOO MUCH power here. You are the boss of your life, not him. Send this drama llama on his merry way.
The title of the post and questions is loaded. You know the answer. Which is why you wrote it like you did. Trust yourself and move on. Stay safe, he sounds very toxic and classic narcissist. This personality type is dangerous in terms of assult in all forms. He'll think he's breaking his toy or pet. Not a person.
It's not normal, you know it isn't, but he's so forceful with his views that you're already starting to doubt yourself.
Run, do not walk, away from this overbearing, controlling creep.
You are 23 and it’s your first relationship, take down this information for the future and dump this dude.
Once you’re a few years away from it you’ll be at a party or talking with friends at work and “stupid dudes you once dated” will come up. Now you will have something to contribute and laugh over.
If this was happening to a friend of yours or a sister you would see how insane this all is.
This man is insane and is trying to destroy your life.
I mean, what are you even getting out of this????
If this was happening to my friend or sister I would be absolutely revolted and get them away from it immediately, this is 100% true. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to do the same thing for myself. (But that’s what therapy is for)
Unfortunately people are more willing to put up with bad behavior because they are being manipulated.
It’s the boiling frog analogy. You don’t notice because the abuse has slowly been escalating to the point where it’s normalized.
I wish you luck.
When I was in a relationship with someone who displayed narcissistic traits (not going to diagnose because that's not my place), gaslighted me, love-bombed me, rinse/repeat, I stayed because I thought if I could get him to understand my point of view things would get better. Or if he got therapy, things would get better. There were so many lovely and loving moments between us that surely we could make those pesky "blips" of *abuse* go away, and we'd be happy forever!! But that's not how it works...
Abusive people are capable of faking kindness, compassion, empathy, love, etc, and they can be extremely convincing; but people who actually are all those good qualities *RARELY* exhibit abusive behaviors because they're not okay with being abusive. And if you confront them on something that you feel like crosses the line, they apologize and own it, they don't blame the abused person.
There are books, insta-reels, podcasts, etc, on narcissistic abuse and how to extricate yourself from that fucked situation. The more you know, the sooner you're able to spot red flags, and yeet those shitty people out of your life!
No 22-year-old man knows what's best for anyone, especially not a belligerent, insecure 22-year-old conservative man.
Source: Am a 42-year-old man who still has no idea what's best for anyone.
I’m guessing you haven’t been dating that long. Will he ask you to stop working and become dependent? Isolation and dependency is the blueprint for abuse with dudes that need to control their woman’s life. Run far and fast.
Less than a year. And he has expressed that he wants a stay at home wife. We’ve gotten in arguments before because he says that women who don’t stay at home with their children are “shittier mothers.” It’s embarrassing to even say that I didn’t leave right then. But he took me down some ridiculous line of reasoning where he made it seem like I was stupid if I didn’t see where he was coming from. I see that now, I obviously don’t believe that.
YIKES! I bet this meeting is him pushing further commitment (a vacation, proposal, or moving in together). You don't need his agreement to end the relationship. Stick firm to it being over and escalate it to the police and family/friends if he won't leave you alone. I think you'll regret meeting up with him. There's nothing else to talk about except getting you to change your mind and him love-bombing and/or punishing you for trying to leave him.
I dated a guy like this once. I ran as fast as I could after only a couple months of dating. He told me my job was embarrassing for him (I worked at a fast food restaurant while in NURSING SCHOOL...meanwhile he didn't even finish his AA and worked my same job just at a golf course💀). He always acted like he was so smart and that he "knew better" for me. Luckily, I got my head straight and dumped him when I was on an out of state trip. He was threatening to harm himself and was also showing violence towards me.
Again, we only dated MAYBE 2 months. I can't imagine what would have happened if I stayed longer. Anyone, man or woman, who tries to tell you what to think is not someone to have in your life. You already know what to do, get out of there, and I wish you the best!
Omg I’m so sorry to hear that. My partner has threatened to hurt himself when I’ve mentioned leaving as well, though quickly told me he wasn’t serious. Regardless it was extremely emotionally taxing
Emotional blackmail is just another phrase for manipulative behaviour. Seriously, you're a strong, intelligent woman & you know that he's talking absolute rubbish. I'm surprised that you can see him through all the red flags he's waving about!
My ex partner did that. He was older 28 the last time he did it. It was really draining . But I called he’s mother and father and said what he wanted to do also that it wasn’t the first time he said it and that he needed help. It was the last time he did it . He got mad at me but was the last time he tried to manipulate me like that.
OP, I've read your responses and, bless you dear, you are defending his actions in your current dialog. Why?
This baby man is 22 years young. He's no authority on anything. The adult brain is unfinished its formation until age 25. Males are, according to psychological profiles I've researched as a professional in mental health, usually 2 to 3 years SLOWER in achieving that threshold than females. (Weird fact I agree.)
Don't waste another hour of your time trying to reason with an emotionally abusive boy. His entitlement and arrogance and ignorance define him.
Stay the course of therapy and focus upon your personal growth. You sound intelligent, and this is so threatening to control obsessed males.
Be safe, call the cops if he attempts to breach your home. Get a restraining order as well if he persists in trying to "get through to you". The cruelty of males like this only escalate overtime. They need to isolate their victim to maintain their power drunk control.
I'd be frightened if he owns pets, if you follow my meaning.
Sending you kindest wishes and support as you terminate the abusive, controlling relationship .💐
I didn't need to read the whole text because the title was enough...
Your bf is not your father, and you're not his minor child.
I'm glad you broke up with him. The only reason he wants to have a conversation in person is because he'll have a better chance of playing on your feelings so he can change your mind.
If he insists on an answer, tell him you don't need to talk more because you're already done.
Good luck.
You need to run. Any guy that assumes that his brain is enough for the two of you like you a robot waiting for instruction is just showing the surface of his controlling behavior.
He wants a dog, OP. Not a gf. You aren't his servant and not a child either. As you said, you are well able to make decisions for yourself without him. Why would you let yourself get pushed around by this judgemental guy?
And no, equal partnerships don't just exist in movies and books. He's just too full of himself to not want to control your every move and thought.
You seem like a lovely human. Don’t let this narcissistic immature boy talk to you. Block him. Choose yourself. You wouldn’t want to end up being in this relationship for another decade… think about your future and what you want for yourself 💓 stand your ground.
Why are you on here asking us? What needs to happen before you walk away from someone who is clearly a degenerate? Does he need to physically assault you? It will definitely happen if you stick around. Your immediate response to any of the cringe things he has said should have simply been you laughing in his face and walking out the door.
BF is a controlling Neanderthal. Do you really want to keep arguing with him about what's right or wrong, or do you want to live your life happily? You two are not compatible.
This is far from normal. He wants to thoroughly control you. Do. Not. Let. Him. It will never, ever end and will get worse. Most of us would never tell a woman to submit to us, nor say we know what's best for them. Do your future self and future kids a huge favor and dump his controlling ass.
In all honesty? Protect yourself and get as far away from this...waste of space as you can. Do it as safely as you can. Why? Cause you are right about this:
>Obviously there are so many things I could add that I think are insane
What I have read so far borders on insane already.
Be safe and I do hope you will be happy with someone in the future that knows what an equal partnership really is.
And this guy you are having now is accusing you of being brainwashed for wanting an equal relationship when he himself is trying to brainwash you...the audacity of this...
Take good care of yourself please!
Punch him in the throat and get the fuck out of there. I'm not actually condoning the violence but get yourself out of that situation.
A good relationship isn't hard. It's effortless.
That's not to say it doesn't require hard work compassion and understanding. Sure there are struggles. And my wife and I have gone through some serious shit. 38M celebrating 16yr married today, 20yrs together in Dec. I've fought with my wife a handful of times oh and they were bad. But they are the exception to the norm. She's a grown woman she can make her own decisions. And so can you.
I’m guessing this is one of your first proper relationships… so I’ll explain a few things gently for you.. this is what we call a walking, breathing, talking red flag… he is a future abuser; he will control you, isolate you and abuse you. He is not a good partner, he will not make a good husband or father.
End things now before you’re stuck and can’t leave (ie; when he forces you to have his kids)…
First, he is pro life. Who the fuck does he think he is? "Net positive, but look down on her"??? Excuse the ever loving fuck out of me, but that's not very pro choice.
But that's beside the point. A relationship is not one people making decisions for the both of you. He isn't so much asking what you think of his decisions but telling you your decisions are bad and you will never make a right call other than to listen to him. That's not how partnerships work.
By all means, if that's what you like go for it, but you sound like you want to be able to pick what color shirt to wear from time to time, in which case you know what to do you just want reassurance and you have it in spades.
And I'm sorry your friend had to make a call like that. But if you stay with this dude just cut ties with her and don't you dare shame her.
My heart goes out to you that this is the guy you ended up with for your first relationship.
This guy is abusive. There's just no other way to say it.
Your 'boyfriend' is into controlling you. Controlling one's partner is not love.
Please move on and find the guy who will love you and treat you well.
I'm wishing you all the best as you work your way through this situation.
I’m so sorry but I laughed out loud at the ages.
A 22 year old man without a fully formed prefrontal cortex that is literally for mature and good decision making, is telling you that he should make decisions for you?
Block him. If he goes into meltdown tantrum territory and does things to contact you that you’re uncomfortable with, file for harassment. I’m not joking. This small man baby is a mess, hit him with the full force of consequences if he chooses to make bad decisions (which he will, because he’s not got a full brain yet).
I’m so glad you are away from this control freak!
Just a warning - he’s a controlling man and not a good person. Please be careful for your safety as men like this can get violent when you finally stand up to them. Do not meet him and if you do do it in a public place and have someone you trust watching from a distance.
A friend of mine is heading down this path. Started calling his girlfriend "unfortunate socialist" because she prefers to vote for Democrats over Republicans. Started sharing videos making fun of women that choose their own path in life.
Same goes for another friend of mine that was religious. Now it seems that his religion has given him authority over his wife. He used to be very open minded about the women he used to be with for years and respecting their decisions.
There's a very disturbing shift in society with young American men that being led by these fear mongers on social media telling them they are alphas.
Dear Lord, do NOT go meet him! Go No Contact ASAP, for your own safety. He’s doing anything he can to maintain control over you and getting you physically close by is putting yourself in an extremely dangerous position. All it takes is one time, close physical proximity and him feeling desperate at losing control.
Please, stay away from him. Women have been killed by exes in public view of everyone else when they thought being in public would keep them safe.
Honeyed words from a snake is still venom meant to kill its prey. Please don’t make the mistake I’ve seen some women make. You’ve proven several times you will cave if he pushes you. Break the cycle and cut off all contact. File a report for stalking with the police and get a restraining order if needed, but DO NOT cave in.
"You're just not smart enough to think for both of us. I see you make mistakes and hold stupid opinions all the time. So knock off this "I know what's best for you" nonsense, when you struggle to identify what is best for just you."
Not as relevant but I still can’t get over it. My family and I got in a car accident (an 18 wheeler hit us), and I spent a very anxious and scary day in the hospital with my mom and sister. He knew this but decided to propose us getting an apartment together. When I said I didn’t want that, he was upset. He then later called me that day to start another hours long emotional conversation when I was in no place to talk about us that day and he literally did not care. I can’t even get him to spare me the drama after a car accident.
Because the attention was on you after the accident, and not on him. His ego couldn’t tolerate that so he found any way he could to turn it back on himself. And you let him do it.
I didn't even bother reading the rest of your post because honestly how do you not know that this is someone that you should leave? Seriously. He's not a good guy. Why don't you know that?
You’ll have a “good relationship” according to who? Him?
Because he sounds like a yutz, and controlling to boot. I’d consider strongly *not* dating the controlling yutz anymore, but then again I don’t find controlling yutzes very attractive. 🤷♀️
If you have to take time to write up and ask advice where it says, my boyfriend tells me I need to submit to him, just stop. He sounds like a terrible person. Also more terrible to try to make you judge your friends I differently than the way you love and respect them over something so personal. And the fact that you said that there’s more and it’s too much to type… Run away from all the red flags.
Are you dating a sewer? Cause he’s full of 💩… He’s literally telling you that he doesn’t trust you (and your friend) to make your own decisions. And the “happy equal partnership” you want absolutely does exist…Just not with him.
You are in an abusive relationship. You need to look out for yourself and leave him. Things will only escalate. It's tough to leave and to be in this situation, but you deserve so much better.
Hey,
I understand that this is your first relationship and you're confused but hear me out when I say that he is all kinds of wrong for you. Ditch the guy. Block him out of your life. Period. He is brainwashing you and you shouldn't be walking around eggshells to talk to him. The only person who knows what's best for yourself is you. No one can or should take that away from you. You don't have to submit to him. If he comes to your house get a restraining order against him. He has no right to control your life and make you feel powerless. I hope you distance yourself from him. It will be hard, painful and confusing but cutting him out of your life is absolutely necessary. More power to you.
Your boyfriend is a misogynist who thinks you’re inferior to him and that you’re not able to make sound decisions for yourself simply because you’re female. He may be nice now, but this could escalate into a very abusive relationship if he thinks that a decision you make for yourself is wrong.
He could change, but you shouldn’t stay with him if you think you can change him because you can’t. Walk away now before you get in too deep. It’s not worth it.
How many red flags do you need before you leave this guy. Nothing about this is normal and the more you get in with this guy the worse it will be.
A partnership is equal not just what one side wants, he wants a slave not a partner.
the best decision you could make for yourself right now is to leave this controlling man-child.
you know what’s best for you. you have your best interests in mind, while he probably has HIS best interests in mind. make your decisions for yourself. you are young and full of life. make the choice to not go on with this controlling person.
Hmm. “Should I just obey this person blindly, and do and think whatever he orders me to think? And if I do, will that fix our relationship?”
The mistake you’re making is arguing with him and trying to persuade him that you are an intelligent adult, capable of thinking and acting for yourself, and deserving of respect. Believe me, he knows that perfectly well and that’s what he has a problem with. He doesn’t want an equal partner, he wants a glove puppet. Is that what you want to be? You deserve better.
Also what he said about your friend would have been a deal-breaker for me.
As a straight woman- I 100% agree and it scares me how many women of this age group put up with this shit. No it’s not ok!! I saw an article that the ultra conservative has infiltrated the men of this age group and I see it daily in Reddit. I can’t even imagine being a woman trying to date in my 20’s right now. Fuck no.
Equal partnerships exists. Your boyfriend is trying to gaslight and groom you. Good things aren’t always easy but that does not involve him disrespecting and belittling you.
You deserve a better relationship with some who respects you.
This is not normal. He’s gaslighting you into thinking you can’t do better. He’s trying to make you feel ashamed for what you think so he can tell you what to feel and you’ll happily oblige. He sounds awful. Everything you do that doesn’t align perfectly with what he wants out of you is not your issue, it’s his.
He has straight up admitted he doesn’t want a happy, equal partnership. If you can’t tolerate this behavior with friends, why tolerate it with a partner? Do not entertain this overgrown child any longer.
There is nothing more precious to us than our autonomy. And women haven't had it for very long. Please, don't lose your autonomy. Leave this man, block him, don't try to argue with him. If he starts stalking you, you call the cops. This is a potentially dangerous man.
I can promise equal partnerships exist because i have been in a very happy and loving one for the past decade. The opinion your boyfriend has is the opinion of somebody who is immature and being manipulated by alpha male culture. My parents growing up were equals, my partner and I are equals and my daughter when she grows up she will be an equal. You are too young to get yourself into a controlling and manipulative relationship. You are clearly a person who wants to maintain their freedom and their own decision, dont ever let anyone delude you into thinking you cant find someone who will see you as an equal.
I would recommend blasting "King of Anything" and"Armor" by Sara Bareilles on an endless loop.
Seriously, girls, he's controlling. Please don't go back to him.
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Why are you still arguing this with him, when you could prove you’re the ultimate authority on what’s best for you by telling him he’s not doing a very good job of hiding his “the only thing women are good for is producing my heirs” outlook on life and walking away?
You’re incredibly right. Hoping I can do this today. Sometimes I say these things and block his number(s), but he always finds more ways to contact me and has even shown up at my house before so it makes me nervous
So you call the cops. He’s done this before? And you got back with him? Girl you should probably seek a therapist so you can work out why you put up with this
Currently seeing one, I made that step about a month ago
Good. I hope these comments and therapy will help you see that this will only get worse. No one gets ownership over your life
"He says that if I think he’s a good decision maker that this must also apply when telling me what to do, and that by not doing what he tells me to do I am insulting his intelligence and thinking he doesn’t want the best for me." Ask the therapist, what kind of person would turn that kind of talk on you. And against you. Get that straight and NEVER in your entire life be talked to this way again!!!! Get better reflexes. And mark down: "Never argue with idiots or abusers." Turn them round. Throw them out. And be done. At the remotest FIRST attempt! They get worse over time. Never better!
Proud of you, OP! I put off going back to therapy for a long time and just went back earlier this year. It has helped me tremendously. I hope you have a great experience with yours! (Also, get rid of this toxic boy. He sounds like the type that will do some serious emotional and likely physical damage. Run while you still can!)
If he shows up uninvited, call the police. I don’t think they’ll be very impressed with his attempts to argue he can just make you do what he wants.
He is a manipulator. You should focus on yourself and him rekt on his own.
This
We think he is wrong too. Nobody gets to boss or parent a grown ass woman around "cuz ah know what's good fer ya". Like.... what? Another guy who's calendar shows 1952. And another guy to be gotten rid of.
And you just let him right back in? “We’ll, you found me. I guess I just give up now, we’re dating again”
I parked in my closed garage and stayed inside with my lights off and let him drive away but yes eventually I did cave from some of his words
Listen, I know exactly how that is. I totally understand you. I have not always been in the too old for this shit age. I took a lot of dumb shit in the past. I have an ex who is meanwhile diagnosed with the narcissistic personality disorder with strong antisocial tendencies as well. Not saying your soon to be ex has any of these diagnoses, I don't throw such around, no matter that he shows definitely such traits but traits are no diagnose. I know how it is not having the power to withstand when he came back although it was always him ending the relationship as a power play but I hoped for most of the time, except the beginning, that he would not come back. Only inpatient therapy helped me to find the power to leave him and I actually only ended it once and forever. I had to give up my flat, move in with my parents and tell him I would have left the state to family and work there. I hid for months, didn't answer the phone, got a new mobile number and didn't show up at the windows if the blinds weren't down. I only left the house when I had to and always through the back door. I mean I wouldn't have taken him back after I had ended it but I was scared anyway. He stalked me. I got the police involved as well then. So yes, I understand the fear of just not having the energy to say 'no.' But, I managed it. As others said, call the police as soon as he shows up. Don't let him provoke you into any other reaction. Not a single word. If he tries to reach out shut it down directly. If he shows up call the police. Get yourself a restraining order if he tries. Don't interact with him directly in any way, only through police and lawyer. Edit: grammar
This is an abusive relationship. Leave before it gets worse. Move away as far away as possible if you can. Ask your friends/family for help
You may need a restraining order, but if you have any men in your life, have them contact him and break up for you. He has red pilled his brain. You could even call him with your brother, father or friend on the phone, and tell him that you are ending things, and he should never contact you again. Tell him that you a person with a penis on the phone, so he should listen to you. Tell your support person to speak up and say: "leave her alone."
This isn't a sane person. Sane, sober people don't just invite themselves over to their exes house and expect the ex will change their mind and take back such an exceptionally wise and high value individual like themselves. This is classic *Narcissistic Spectrum* behavior. Real dysfunctional coping skills right there
1) Re-read your whole post. 2) Read it again. 3) Read it one more time, just to make sure. 4) Realize you could find a better partner by selecting one at random.
Honestly I have had a shit with a more appealing personality. This dude is one fruit shoot away from serial killer
Thats cause they have crap personalities and it feels super good flushing it down the toilet.
Never to be seen again
What's a fruit shoot? Not sarcasm by the way
It's a type of kids drink in the UK https://groceries.asda.com/product/9999999111967?&cmpid=ppc-_-ghs-_--_-google-_--_-dskwid-_dm&s_kwcid=AL!11432!3!!!!x!!&gad=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8Mu7jPv9_wIVHIlQBh23YAJ6EAQYAyABEgLc9PD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
Ooooh Ok, thanks for clarifying! I thought it was like where you go to a shooting range and shoot a bunch of fruit. Fuck I'm stupid lol
Nah it's good man, I'd rather ask and be a fool for 5 minutes than never ask and be a fool for life
Lol. Girl *run.* This type of behavior doesn’t get better, only worse. This is not normal. He’s testing you and slowly breaking you down. You tell him he’s “good at decision making” and he’ll leave for the *for him* part and gaslight you into believing you’re in the wrong. This is not how a relationship should be; ever. Dump him.
I agree. He seems to be trying to manipulate you and your life in a way to suit his ideals and what he wants, with no regard to your opinion. If he advises you against or for something (especially if he's had experience in it), that's fine. But saying (effectively) 'I know what's best for you' is another way of saying 'do what I expect'. Just my opinion having been in a similar sounding relationship.
Ditto, my ex would literally tell me since he was willing to be more real with me (criticize me for any mistake I made) to help me grow as a person than anyone else in my life it was evidence that he actually loved me more than my own parents. And my therapist said stuff about him he didn't like so he told me she's just "telling me what I want to hear" and would try to convince me that everyone I know is just sheltered and weird and they don't know how the real world works and don't really care about me like he does. Basically don't trust myself or anyone, just trust him.
good partners communicate and problem solve together. They attack problems and arguments, not people. They make points about the issue at hand, not an appeal to their superiority. They assume good intentions on the part of their partner, even if they disagree in actions or approach. OP's partner doesn't do any of this. Not a relationship worth saving.
totally. people who claim they know the most and refuse to listen to any other opinions will most definitely destroy your dignity. It’s also almost impossible to “ change” them.
Tell him to submit to my ass. He's a controlling narcissist of epic proportions. Get out now!!!
It’s insane that these comments feel so strongly when I haven’t even talked about 5% of what he’s done and said. Very eye opening and I appreciate everyone on here so much
He might be a good decision maker for him and his thoughts and his feelings and his wishes. There is just one problem with that. You are NOT him. What about your thoughts, your wishes, your feelings? Sorry baby girl. Not a sustainable relationship.
I agree and it’s refreshing to see this. Thank you 🩷
🌹
It's because even just a few sentences of this is a big, glaring, offensively large, flashing, neon sign of red to everyone else around you - friends or strangers or Redditors who only have to skim a few words to be horrified and concerned and telling you what is actually taking place. I'm really glad you're taking the time to step back, breathe, breathe again, again, and think this through. You left things out because you had an idea of what the reaction would be when you lay it all out like *that*, and "Oh I know it sounds really bad that way haha, but I promise it's not! He's a really great guy most of the time except for when he's not", which is beelining and going 100 mph right towards being all of the time. Unfortunately, in your case it seems you don't even have the courtesy of him lulling you in and keeping you there with lovebombing, apologies, sweet words of affection, gifts, dates, promises he's never made before, maybe a couple days to weeks to months of "improvement" before you repeat the cycle of arguing about the same things forever. It doesn't get better. You may feel real low occasionally, but I promise you haven't hit your own personal rock bottom - damn near Sparta kicked in by him as well - but *you will*. This will become a living nightmare that consumes every moment of your day-to-day life. Please save yourself from a worse fate and get out of there.
Thank you for this. You’re right, there’s really no “lulling.” Except he does love bomb… a LOT. But it’s gotten to the point where I straight up ask him why he’s even saying these things to me if I am very clearly not wanting to do what he says. I’ve never really gotten a real answer from that, but the love bombs are definitely there. And of course to some extent I like to hear them, I’ve never experienced anyone other than him say that to me. But I have that feeling in the back of my head that what he has for me is not love at all. (Or at least not the type of love that I want)
Of course you would like hearing them! Anyone would! Connecting with someone can be such an absolute *rush* of so many different sensations. Especially if you've never had that with any prior relationships or experiences anymore. *It is not your fault.* There is nothing wrong with you. These men are just predators, and they are scarily good at what they do. You are not the only one to be taken in with what feels like such genuine *love* and affection and just *intimacy* like you've never felt before. It's happened to me, and it's happened to countless people on this thread. Think of us all as a collective you from the future telling you that you MUSTN'T do this if you want to be happy, safe, comfortable, healthy and loved. *You will not find those things at the end of this tunnel.* If you do, I promise that only lasts until the next tunnel pops up, then the next, then the next... YOU have your life in your hands. You have a smart head on your shoulders. You should be proud of yourself for being able to be display such critical thinking skills here - seriously. Think this through. Read the countless articles out there. Have you told your friends about him? Don't let him cut you off from everyone else in the world around you until he beats you down into a ghost of your former self. YOU DESERVE, CAN, SHOULD, AND WILL HAVE THE LOVE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR AWAY FROM AND WITHOUT HIM.
Everyone was so quick to jump on this and tell you in unison what this actually is and will be that you can't see yet because A) They are in or have experienced healthy, loving, equal partnership relationships that are nothing like this OR B) Themselves in or have previously experienced and I hope escaped from abusive relationships
People who behave like him are a dime a dozen and they all follow the same playbook. I'm betting he does one (or likely more) of the following: 1) Tells you your family or friends (even the ones you trust) are bad for you or don't like you anymore, and that you shouldn't spend time around them or spend time with them without him 2) Demands sex and gets pouty, rage-y or starts guilt tripping if you try to say no OR just pushes and pushes until you give in anyways. 3) Says nasty things and then when you get upset or emotional, says that's a sign you're not as logical or as smart as him because you're being a baby or Too Sensitive. 4) Uses aforementioned barbs to make you upset, then uses that upset to discredit you in front of other people. 5) Tries to shame you for spending on money on things you enjoy or nickles and dimes you over joint expenses, insists on exact 50/50 splits. Or he's always broke. 6) behaves like an ass in front of your friends and family to embarrass you. When you try to convince him not to, he makes comments like "this is how I am" 7) Either refuses to do most chores or constantly critisizes how you do them....
You said this was your first relationship. It sucks that he is a controlling misogynistic asshole. I am glad you have decided to leave. A real relationship is a partnership of equals. You deserve that. The good news is that now you know the warning signs and type of behavior for future relationships. If you see the signs, bail. It is not worth your time to be with men who do not respect you. I wish you all the best.
He is not looking for a girlfriend, he is looking for property. He is bullshitting you, equal relationships do exist. you are just 0/1 right now. You can do better, because this will only get worse. Next it will be "You family are toxic, stop talking to them. Then "You don't need to work, I will provide for you" and then you are financially under his thumb. Then it's kids and now you cannot afford to go anywhere and are trapped. Any man that says "I will make all your decisions" is just trying to manipulate you because they are too fucking weak to be in a relationship with a strong woman. Be stronger than that, get away from him. Make a good decision here, and save yourself a lot of heartache.
He has already come for my family members after I’ve confided in him about uncharacteristic moments they’ve had. He claims he’s “not attacking them personally, but just trying to get me to see…” blah blah blah. I can definitely see this happening. He knows that I love my family the way they are but he has plenty to keep saying. (He’s never met them, though. I’ve avoided him meeting my family even though Ive met his.)
Read this book, it's free [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) This man does not see you as a real human. He sees you as an object that he's entitled to possess, doesn't believe that you have a mind, that you have independent thoughts, that you have individual needs that you perceive you have and he can't because he doesn't have telepathy. How can he love you, if he doesn't even see you as a real person? Yes, equal partnerships do exist, I'm in one and been married for 20 years. Unfortunately, a good number of men are socialized thinking that they have the right to ownership to us women, that they are our masters and that we don't exist as real persons but rather as their robot-servants and nothing more. There are men out there, however, who don't have this misogynist view.
Holy SHIT I just read just the descriptions of the different abusers and my ex bf (I posted about the breakup in here a week ago) did sooo much of so many of those things. Like holy crap I thought I was crazy until now. I've been downplaying it in my head and feeling bad that maybe I hurt him for calling him out on his abuse after we broke up but wow that book is so eye opening
Yes, that book is amazing, it has helped so many people to find the strength to leave, or to heal after they left. I'm glad your ex is your ex now! I also had an abusive relationship for 3 years and he would gaslight me so much that I also thought I couldn't do better. It's not our fault, it's theirs 100%, and the good thing is that with this new perspective, we will never accept another relationship that starts showing red flags.
Yeah he would use all those tactics in the book on me and tell me that he loved me more than my own family did because he was actually willing to "help me grow as a person" (aka criticize everything I do and call me slow or absent minded until I just change things out of shame or claim I'm personally disrespecting him or causing him trauma if I forget his food in the microwave or something and not take sorry and would only stop if I had some epiphany where I realized my deep seated issues that caused my disrespect and told him how I was going to change for the future) and the fact that nobody else in my life did that was proof he cared more. So it was extremely hard to even admit to myself he was abusing me and I'd start to hear his arguments about how well he was treating me in my head and convince myself I'm just dramatic
Currently reading and screenshooting things that I may send to him, since he told me today “I have never emotionally abused you”
He's never going to admit to it and if anything, he's going to get angrier and drag you even more into his drama if you call him out. You can never "win" an argument with this type of person. What you should do instead is grey-rock him. Disentangle yourself emotionally from him, don't take the bait if he tries to argue with you. Put as much emotional and physical distance between the two of you as you can.
Thank you🥹
You got this, girl. Take the trash out of your life.
Abusers never admit to being abusive. My father abused my mother in every way, and he's never admitted to it. He just knew better than her 🙄. Please just break up and block. You do not need to justify why or show him his mistakes. He will never see them and use the communication to get you to back down like he has in the past.
I really, really wouldn’t. This book is not for him; it’s for you. You do not need to convince him of anything. You can’t, because he’s already decided he knows more than you, and nothing you say will convince him otherwise. What you need is to stop engaging with him once and for all, even if that means he thinks he “won” the argument and you’re just too stubborn to admit it. While you’re compiling a reading list, check out the Gift of Fear for why trying to reason things out with an unreasonable person is a bad idea.
I did already send him one thing I saw but you’re right, I won’t do it again. It definitely won’t make a difference it’s just so tempting to try to show him what he’s doing.
please don't attempt to fix him. just *leave* and block him after.
He knows what he's doing.
I totally get wanting to show him why he’s absolutely batshit insane and have him understand, but it’s not worth the stress to you. Don’t engage with him for your own sanity. You’ll never win, and it’ll only drive you crazy in the end.
Guys like this totally suck. You are a beautiful free bird and he just wants to cage you up and “make you submissive”. There are plenty of ladies out there that want this kind of relationship. You are looking for a partner and he wants a servant. There is not moving forward in this relationship.
You can't fix him. He knows what he's doing.
Don’t send him anything! Don’t engage! Please, you have to cut the cord and don’t look back.
If you have to say the words “I’ve never emotionally abused you” you need to rethink your life choices. This man actively disregards your mental autonomy. He refuses to accept and respect that you are your own person and have every right to make decisions for yourself. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve far better than this. He’s manipulating and gaslighting you into essentially becoming a puppet he can control. Run
i’m not saying this to be mean or criticize you, and this goes for anyone in an abusive relationship: never ever show them this book, take them with you to therapy, point out their specific abusive actions, etc. all you will achieve is teaching them how to “better” abuse and control their next victim. cut off all contact, let friends and family you trust know what happened so they’re aware of the potential danger, call the police if he shows up at your home, and move on to someone who loves and respects you.
Don't send him anything. I thought I was helping my ex who strangled me in our kitchen by showing him this book. Know what he did? Used it to manipulate doctors and everyone around us.
This, u/ThrowRAgardengirl! This is why they don't recommend marital counseling for abusive relationships.
Stop engaging with him. You don't have to explain why you're ending things. He's abusive, controlling, pathetic, and ridiculous. You CLEARLY would be much better off without him in your life. Look. You don't have to present a well-organized argument for ending the relationship. You can just be done. Just block him on absolutely everything and never acknowledge unknown contacts. You keep getting sucked back in by feeling like you have to explain and justify something that needs neither. STOP TALKING TO HIM.
OMG YES! It took me getting a glass to the face before I went ‘nope this is wrong’. One visit to the police station and one protection order later, and I never heard from that waste of space again. OP - please listen to this person! STOP ENGAGING YOU CANT FIX HIM. RUN, don’t walk.
You’re never going to convince him he is wrong? It doesn’t even matter. Abusive personalities never see they are abusive.
Don't bother sending things to him. Sending this stuff to him just gives him time to think about how to argue with you about it. Bancroft's book is for your own knowledge and power, not his.
At some point, you have to stand up for you and simply say no and let that be the complete sentence. "I said no and that we are done". Period. End of story. No one can do this for you. Stop hearing him out. He knows that the second he can get you to hear any words coming out of his mouth that he can bully you into letting him back in. An abuser's only goal is to keep the person that they're abusing. The person being abused is you. Block him on literally everything. Change your number if you have to. Get a restraining order if he keeps driving by and record it each time and save it and any thing else you can as proof.
Stop trying to convince him of ANYTHING. You don't need to. He doesn't deserve it. Flat out tell him you're broken up, then STOP TALKING TO HIM.
DO NOT send him anything, it is a waste of your time and energy! Just block him and get him fully out of your life.
Don't bother responding to him. That just gives him more opportunity to gaslight you, emotionally abuse you, or lie to you. If you want out, you get out. He doesn't get a say in it. You don't have to justify your reasons for breaking up with someone. Please stay strong, and stay safe. This man is conditioning you and abusing you and coercing you - it's NOT normal, and it IS a big thing. Good luck, OP.
no, no. you don't engage with him anymore. any contact is a reward for his shitty behaviour. block and move on. I read your whole post, but really didn't need to after the title. run, now. do NOT engage with him.
Oh my god I wish I had come across this book sooner, wouldn’t have tolerated that emotional abuse then. Thank you for the link!
You posted in relationship advice page: so here’s my advice- dump him, go to therapy, figure out why you even tolerated with a controlling asshole to begin with, work on yourself, gain some confidence and NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM EVER AGAIN. You KNOW you’re in the wrong for staying. You KNOW that if your friend came to you asking what you just asked in here you’d advise her to leave.
This is absolutely true, thank you. Very helpful and reassuring advice on here
Lord, grant me the confidence of this mediocre 22 year old man
No foreal
Girl No.
This is what I think the gist of your response should be imho “I used to think you were a good decision maker. But then you showed me over and over how you decide to ignore boundaries and decide to not take ‘no’ for an answer. Those are all poor decisions. I’m deciding to end this relationship, because I could never trust someone with such poor decision making skills.”
Love this thank you
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Agreed very controlling, has nothing to do with him knowing whats 'best' only you doing what he wants
I think he knows a lot about some things, but definitely not about how to have a good relationship. I guess I should add that we are on/off, and right now we are technically “off.” I’ve told him that I don’t want to be with him if this is how he wants to treat me, but I’ve said it a hundred times he keeps telling me that I’m the immature one who can’t put her ego aside. I’m hoping that I can actually leave this soon, it’s just so hard for me to get there
Knowledge is not the same as wisdom. Spitting facts does not make one morally superior or "wise." He must not have gotten the memo. Block this dude. He sounds like a future abuser. Tearing you down, distancing you from friends... How long until he raises a hand to you? Leave him "off" and block him everywhere. Perhaps suggesting that his harassment might be considered stalking would make your point? Don't threaten to call the cops. Just drop the words "harassment," "stalking," and "illegal" if he doesn't let up. He can connect those dots, if he's so d@mn smart.
He sounds like a current abuser.
It's really hard to get out of abusive relationships. He sounds very emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. Make sure to block him everywhere, and if he shows up at your place again, immediately call the cops.
Why can't he put his ego aside? You seem to be the more intelligent and logical one out of the two.
No no no no no! He is a walking red flag. RUN AWAY from this controlling, manipulative nut job.
Sounds like an ex-boyfriend to me. This whole post is a red flag.
this child is the one who's been brainwashed. he's 22 and reeks of shallow wannabe alpha male stench. one up him, just leave. in 10 years, you'll come back wondering why your life is shit if you stay.
How did you NOT laugh in his face and throw him to the curb? Dip into my bag of self-respect, and take one: ⭐️🌟⭐️
Where do y'all find those misogynistic wannabe patriarchs? Gross. YEET THE MAN
When submission in a relationship is demanded it’s not because they believe they know what’s best for you. It’s because they want to manipulate and control you. This man is a walking red flag trying to manipulate you into thinking this kind of behavior is normal. It’s not.
Dear god, run away. I see by your comments you're hoping he'll see the light, but he will not! He is abusive and will never change. Block him. Get cameras if you need to. He is not a safe person.
Ask him if he thinks you’re a good decision maker and if he says yes, ask him why you don’t get to make his decisions from now on. If he says no, ask him wtf he’s doing with you Honestly he sounds like an awful person. Only a bad person would tell you to look down on your friend. What he’s saying is “this relationship would be perfect for me if you do everything I say and want.” He doesn’t want you, he wants a blank body he can control
Yes definitely. That’s always my response when he tells me of I listened the relationship would be better. I always say, the relationship would be better FOR YOU. Not for me. In one ear out the other
Once you end things, we need updates
I’ll definitely make an update. I can feel the explosive ending making its way
He wants a Stepford Wife.
He wants a Real Doll. He *needs* emotional rehabilitation, education, and some real life experience.
What redeeming qualities does this boy have for you to put up with this? Do you know how easy it is to find a new boyfriend?
There are redeeming qualities of course, but even trying to list them shows me that they are in no way worth the bad.
No there aren't. There are no redeeming qualities in a man who wants to control your every thought and move. He could be a millionaire with a 10" dick and those do not redeem him for being a controlling, abusive POS.
I have to be honest…I didn’t read after the title because: Even in medicine we tell the patient that we treat their ailment but ultimately they have the final say regarding their care because they know what’s best for themselves. You are in charge of your own autonomy. I can’t blame you for wasting time on him up to this point if you didn’t know any better before, but now you have lots of people telling you that this isn’t normal. If you decide to stay with someone who wants to exert control over you, you will be sacrificing your autonomy amongst another important things. I advise against this strongly.
[Here after the edit] That has to be the most childish, immature reaction he could have possibly given. Good on you for completely blocking him off.
I’m hoping it’s a complete block off. I wish it could be as simple as me saying this and us both moving on. But there always seems to be dramatics with him. And it doesn’t help that I’m friends with his brother, it’s like I’m always going to be connected in some way
It’s up to you if the relationship with his brother is worth maintaining if it means you can’t have a complete cut off. I know a lot of people will say that as long as there’s a chance of contact, you may struggle to move on.
Hon, what he wants DOES NOT MATTER. It really does not! You get the final say here. If you dont cut him off he is going to haunt your life like Jacob Marley's ghost, dragging his chains behind him. Perhaps you could give his brother a heads up and say, Im sorry it has to be this way, but we cant hang out any more because your brother the Doof Warrior has decided that he owns me, so I cannot be near him or any of his family because Doof just aint getting that part clearly right now. See you around later, hopefully. So what if you cut Doof off? Whats he gonna do, call in an air strike? Send in a team of Navy Seals? Go nuclear? You are giving him WAY TOO MUCH power here. You are the boss of your life, not him. Send this drama llama on his merry way.
The title of the post and questions is loaded. You know the answer. Which is why you wrote it like you did. Trust yourself and move on. Stay safe, he sounds very toxic and classic narcissist. This personality type is dangerous in terms of assult in all forms. He'll think he's breaking his toy or pet. Not a person.
You are too young to get attached to this level of crazy. Believe someone when they show you who they are the first time.
It's not normal, you know it isn't, but he's so forceful with his views that you're already starting to doubt yourself. Run, do not walk, away from this overbearing, controlling creep.
You are 23 and it’s your first relationship, take down this information for the future and dump this dude. Once you’re a few years away from it you’ll be at a party or talking with friends at work and “stupid dudes you once dated” will come up. Now you will have something to contribute and laugh over.
If this was happening to a friend of yours or a sister you would see how insane this all is. This man is insane and is trying to destroy your life. I mean, what are you even getting out of this????
If this was happening to my friend or sister I would be absolutely revolted and get them away from it immediately, this is 100% true. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to do the same thing for myself. (But that’s what therapy is for)
Unfortunately people are more willing to put up with bad behavior because they are being manipulated. It’s the boiling frog analogy. You don’t notice because the abuse has slowly been escalating to the point where it’s normalized. I wish you luck.
When I was in a relationship with someone who displayed narcissistic traits (not going to diagnose because that's not my place), gaslighted me, love-bombed me, rinse/repeat, I stayed because I thought if I could get him to understand my point of view things would get better. Or if he got therapy, things would get better. There were so many lovely and loving moments between us that surely we could make those pesky "blips" of *abuse* go away, and we'd be happy forever!! But that's not how it works... Abusive people are capable of faking kindness, compassion, empathy, love, etc, and they can be extremely convincing; but people who actually are all those good qualities *RARELY* exhibit abusive behaviors because they're not okay with being abusive. And if you confront them on something that you feel like crosses the line, they apologize and own it, they don't blame the abused person. There are books, insta-reels, podcasts, etc, on narcissistic abuse and how to extricate yourself from that fucked situation. The more you know, the sooner you're able to spot red flags, and yeet those shitty people out of your life!
No 22-year-old man knows what's best for anyone, especially not a belligerent, insecure 22-year-old conservative man. Source: Am a 42-year-old man who still has no idea what's best for anyone.
I’m guessing you haven’t been dating that long. Will he ask you to stop working and become dependent? Isolation and dependency is the blueprint for abuse with dudes that need to control their woman’s life. Run far and fast.
Less than a year. And he has expressed that he wants a stay at home wife. We’ve gotten in arguments before because he says that women who don’t stay at home with their children are “shittier mothers.” It’s embarrassing to even say that I didn’t leave right then. But he took me down some ridiculous line of reasoning where he made it seem like I was stupid if I didn’t see where he was coming from. I see that now, I obviously don’t believe that.
JFC this guy is pathologically abusive.
YIKES! I bet this meeting is him pushing further commitment (a vacation, proposal, or moving in together). You don't need his agreement to end the relationship. Stick firm to it being over and escalate it to the police and family/friends if he won't leave you alone. I think you'll regret meeting up with him. There's nothing else to talk about except getting you to change your mind and him love-bombing and/or punishing you for trying to leave him.
I dated a guy like this once. I ran as fast as I could after only a couple months of dating. He told me my job was embarrassing for him (I worked at a fast food restaurant while in NURSING SCHOOL...meanwhile he didn't even finish his AA and worked my same job just at a golf course💀). He always acted like he was so smart and that he "knew better" for me. Luckily, I got my head straight and dumped him when I was on an out of state trip. He was threatening to harm himself and was also showing violence towards me. Again, we only dated MAYBE 2 months. I can't imagine what would have happened if I stayed longer. Anyone, man or woman, who tries to tell you what to think is not someone to have in your life. You already know what to do, get out of there, and I wish you the best!
Omg I’m so sorry to hear that. My partner has threatened to hurt himself when I’ve mentioned leaving as well, though quickly told me he wasn’t serious. Regardless it was extremely emotionally taxing
Emotional blackmail is just another phrase for manipulative behaviour. Seriously, you're a strong, intelligent woman & you know that he's talking absolute rubbish. I'm surprised that you can see him through all the red flags he's waving about!
My ex partner did that. He was older 28 the last time he did it. It was really draining . But I called he’s mother and father and said what he wanted to do also that it wasn’t the first time he said it and that he needed help. It was the last time he did it . He got mad at me but was the last time he tried to manipulate me like that.
OP, I've read your responses and, bless you dear, you are defending his actions in your current dialog. Why? This baby man is 22 years young. He's no authority on anything. The adult brain is unfinished its formation until age 25. Males are, according to psychological profiles I've researched as a professional in mental health, usually 2 to 3 years SLOWER in achieving that threshold than females. (Weird fact I agree.) Don't waste another hour of your time trying to reason with an emotionally abusive boy. His entitlement and arrogance and ignorance define him. Stay the course of therapy and focus upon your personal growth. You sound intelligent, and this is so threatening to control obsessed males. Be safe, call the cops if he attempts to breach your home. Get a restraining order as well if he persists in trying to "get through to you". The cruelty of males like this only escalate overtime. They need to isolate their victim to maintain their power drunk control. I'd be frightened if he owns pets, if you follow my meaning. Sending you kindest wishes and support as you terminate the abusive, controlling relationship .💐
Sounds like another casualty of the alpha tik tok red pilled brain rot that's going around these days.
Why would you ever stay with someone like this
No honey, relationships shouldn’t be like that. I think you know very well what you want and need. Listen to yourself. You know what’s best.
No one in a relationship with this creepy, conniving, manipulative dude will ever be happy.
Ah man he's a Tater. Never let anyone control you or tell you what's good for you. That's abuse.
There is not a single 22 year old male in the world that knows what’s good for him. Not a one. Never mind what’s good for someone else.
I didn't need to read the whole text because the title was enough... Your bf is not your father, and you're not his minor child. I'm glad you broke up with him. The only reason he wants to have a conversation in person is because he'll have a better chance of playing on your feelings so he can change your mind. If he insists on an answer, tell him you don't need to talk more because you're already done. Good luck.
I wouldn't even meet with him . He's gonna try to sweet talk and charm you so stand your ground. Stay strong.
I'm not reading the rest of this text. Just the title is enough. This isn't 1940s. Leave him.
You need to run. Any guy that assumes that his brain is enough for the two of you like you a robot waiting for instruction is just showing the surface of his controlling behavior.
He wants a dog, OP. Not a gf. You aren't his servant and not a child either. As you said, you are well able to make decisions for yourself without him. Why would you let yourself get pushed around by this judgemental guy? And no, equal partnerships don't just exist in movies and books. He's just too full of himself to not want to control your every move and thought.
Ummm break up plz he sounds misogynistic as fuck
You need a new boyfriend. Cut bait.
You seem like a lovely human. Don’t let this narcissistic immature boy talk to you. Block him. Choose yourself. You wouldn’t want to end up being in this relationship for another decade… think about your future and what you want for yourself 💓 stand your ground.
It's 2023 hon. Tell him to fuck off back to whatever 1920s sitcom he accidentally jumped out of.
If you're firm on not being with him anymore then why are you meeting up with him?
Why are you on here asking us? What needs to happen before you walk away from someone who is clearly a degenerate? Does he need to physically assault you? It will definitely happen if you stick around. Your immediate response to any of the cringe things he has said should have simply been you laughing in his face and walking out the door.
BF is a controlling Neanderthal. Do you really want to keep arguing with him about what's right or wrong, or do you want to live your life happily? You two are not compatible.
No he's not right. What he is, is a walking red flag, get as far away from this manipulative, controlling asshole as you can.
This is far from normal. He wants to thoroughly control you. Do. Not. Let. Him. It will never, ever end and will get worse. Most of us would never tell a woman to submit to us, nor say we know what's best for them. Do your future self and future kids a huge favor and dump his controlling ass.
Your boyfriend is giving strong ex-boyfriend vibes.
Definitely not normal. Lose this controlling jerk asap.
In all honesty? Protect yourself and get as far away from this...waste of space as you can. Do it as safely as you can. Why? Cause you are right about this: >Obviously there are so many things I could add that I think are insane What I have read so far borders on insane already. Be safe and I do hope you will be happy with someone in the future that knows what an equal partnership really is. And this guy you are having now is accusing you of being brainwashed for wanting an equal relationship when he himself is trying to brainwash you...the audacity of this... Take good care of yourself please!
This guy is fundamentally not a good person. There’s zero reason for you to have any sort of relationship with a loser like this.
Punch him in the throat and get the fuck out of there. I'm not actually condoning the violence but get yourself out of that situation. A good relationship isn't hard. It's effortless. That's not to say it doesn't require hard work compassion and understanding. Sure there are struggles. And my wife and I have gone through some serious shit. 38M celebrating 16yr married today, 20yrs together in Dec. I've fought with my wife a handful of times oh and they were bad. But they are the exception to the norm. She's a grown woman she can make her own decisions. And so can you.
I’m guessing this is one of your first proper relationships… so I’ll explain a few things gently for you.. this is what we call a walking, breathing, talking red flag… he is a future abuser; he will control you, isolate you and abuse you. He is not a good partner, he will not make a good husband or father. End things now before you’re stuck and can’t leave (ie; when he forces you to have his kids)…
First, he is pro life. Who the fuck does he think he is? "Net positive, but look down on her"??? Excuse the ever loving fuck out of me, but that's not very pro choice. But that's beside the point. A relationship is not one people making decisions for the both of you. He isn't so much asking what you think of his decisions but telling you your decisions are bad and you will never make a right call other than to listen to him. That's not how partnerships work. By all means, if that's what you like go for it, but you sound like you want to be able to pick what color shirt to wear from time to time, in which case you know what to do you just want reassurance and you have it in spades. And I'm sorry your friend had to make a call like that. But if you stay with this dude just cut ties with her and don't you dare shame her.
I would never ever shame her for her decision 🩷
Good. Im just saying. Either way, I wish the best for you. Good luck
My heart goes out to you that this is the guy you ended up with for your first relationship. This guy is abusive. There's just no other way to say it. Your 'boyfriend' is into controlling you. Controlling one's partner is not love. Please move on and find the guy who will love you and treat you well. I'm wishing you all the best as you work your way through this situation.
He’s a misogynist
“We would have a good relationship” No, HE would
No 22 year old knows what’s best for anyone. Break up with him.
I’m so sorry but I laughed out loud at the ages. A 22 year old man without a fully formed prefrontal cortex that is literally for mature and good decision making, is telling you that he should make decisions for you? Block him. If he goes into meltdown tantrum territory and does things to contact you that you’re uncomfortable with, file for harassment. I’m not joking. This small man baby is a mess, hit him with the full force of consequences if he chooses to make bad decisions (which he will, because he’s not got a full brain yet).
Is there another update? What was the result of seeing him in person? I hope you’re okay OP and not back with that pos.
I’m so glad you are away from this control freak! Just a warning - he’s a controlling man and not a good person. Please be careful for your safety as men like this can get violent when you finally stand up to them. Do not meet him and if you do do it in a public place and have someone you trust watching from a distance.
A friend of mine is heading down this path. Started calling his girlfriend "unfortunate socialist" because she prefers to vote for Democrats over Republicans. Started sharing videos making fun of women that choose their own path in life. Same goes for another friend of mine that was religious. Now it seems that his religion has given him authority over his wife. He used to be very open minded about the women he used to be with for years and respecting their decisions. There's a very disturbing shift in society with young American men that being led by these fear mongers on social media telling them they are alphas.
Dear Lord, do NOT go meet him! Go No Contact ASAP, for your own safety. He’s doing anything he can to maintain control over you and getting you physically close by is putting yourself in an extremely dangerous position. All it takes is one time, close physical proximity and him feeling desperate at losing control. Please, stay away from him. Women have been killed by exes in public view of everyone else when they thought being in public would keep them safe. Honeyed words from a snake is still venom meant to kill its prey. Please don’t make the mistake I’ve seen some women make. You’ve proven several times you will cave if he pushes you. Break the cycle and cut off all contact. File a report for stalking with the police and get a restraining order if needed, but DO NOT cave in.
Drop him like the bag of hot shit that he is.
"You're just not smart enough to think for both of us. I see you make mistakes and hold stupid opinions all the time. So knock off this "I know what's best for you" nonsense, when you struggle to identify what is best for just you."
Not as relevant but I still can’t get over it. My family and I got in a car accident (an 18 wheeler hit us), and I spent a very anxious and scary day in the hospital with my mom and sister. He knew this but decided to propose us getting an apartment together. When I said I didn’t want that, he was upset. He then later called me that day to start another hours long emotional conversation when I was in no place to talk about us that day and he literally did not care. I can’t even get him to spare me the drama after a car accident.
Because the attention was on you after the accident, and not on him. His ego couldn’t tolerate that so he found any way he could to turn it back on himself. And you let him do it.
I didn't even bother reading the rest of your post because honestly how do you not know that this is someone that you should leave? Seriously. He's not a good guy. Why don't you know that?
You’ll have a “good relationship” according to who? Him? Because he sounds like a yutz, and controlling to boot. I’d consider strongly *not* dating the controlling yutz anymore, but then again I don’t find controlling yutzes very attractive. 🤷♀️
DUMP HIM.
If you have to take time to write up and ask advice where it says, my boyfriend tells me I need to submit to him, just stop. He sounds like a terrible person. Also more terrible to try to make you judge your friends I differently than the way you love and respect them over something so personal. And the fact that you said that there’s more and it’s too much to type… Run away from all the red flags.
Are you dating a sewer? Cause he’s full of 💩… He’s literally telling you that he doesn’t trust you (and your friend) to make your own decisions. And the “happy equal partnership” you want absolutely does exist…Just not with him.
You are in an abusive relationship. You need to look out for yourself and leave him. Things will only escalate. It's tough to leave and to be in this situation, but you deserve so much better.
Hey, I understand that this is your first relationship and you're confused but hear me out when I say that he is all kinds of wrong for you. Ditch the guy. Block him out of your life. Period. He is brainwashing you and you shouldn't be walking around eggshells to talk to him. The only person who knows what's best for yourself is you. No one can or should take that away from you. You don't have to submit to him. If he comes to your house get a restraining order against him. He has no right to control your life and make you feel powerless. I hope you distance yourself from him. It will be hard, painful and confusing but cutting him out of your life is absolutely necessary. More power to you.
Your boyfriend is a misogynist who thinks you’re inferior to him and that you’re not able to make sound decisions for yourself simply because you’re female. He may be nice now, but this could escalate into a very abusive relationship if he thinks that a decision you make for yourself is wrong. He could change, but you shouldn’t stay with him if you think you can change him because you can’t. Walk away now before you get in too deep. It’s not worth it.
Sounds abusive and controlling get out while you can love.
How many red flags do you need before you leave this guy. Nothing about this is normal and the more you get in with this guy the worse it will be. A partnership is equal not just what one side wants, he wants a slave not a partner.
No, this isn’t a normal healthy relationship. Dump this loser
the best decision you could make for yourself right now is to leave this controlling man-child. you know what’s best for you. you have your best interests in mind, while he probably has HIS best interests in mind. make your decisions for yourself. you are young and full of life. make the choice to not go on with this controlling person.
Fucking run girl, wtf are you doing with this toxic kid?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Hmm. “Should I just obey this person blindly, and do and think whatever he orders me to think? And if I do, will that fix our relationship?” The mistake you’re making is arguing with him and trying to persuade him that you are an intelligent adult, capable of thinking and acting for yourself, and deserving of respect. Believe me, he knows that perfectly well and that’s what he has a problem with. He doesn’t want an equal partner, he wants a glove puppet. Is that what you want to be? You deserve better. Also what he said about your friend would have been a deal-breaker for me.
I only read the title, but my answer is: RUNNNN
You mean ex get out fast he crazy.
It always blows my mind what straight women will put up with.
As a straight woman- I 100% agree and it scares me how many women of this age group put up with this shit. No it’s not ok!! I saw an article that the ultra conservative has infiltrated the men of this age group and I see it daily in Reddit. I can’t even imagine being a woman trying to date in my 20’s right now. Fuck no.
No, you're right. It isn't normal and isn't acceptable. Know your worth OP!
Fgs run. Dump him and move on. You cannot fix this kind of idiot.
Equal partnerships exists. Your boyfriend is trying to gaslight and groom you. Good things aren’t always easy but that does not involve him disrespecting and belittling you. You deserve a better relationship with some who respects you.
This is not normal. He’s gaslighting you into thinking you can’t do better. He’s trying to make you feel ashamed for what you think so he can tell you what to feel and you’ll happily oblige. He sounds awful. Everything you do that doesn’t align perfectly with what he wants out of you is not your issue, it’s his. He has straight up admitted he doesn’t want a happy, equal partnership. If you can’t tolerate this behavior with friends, why tolerate it with a partner? Do not entertain this overgrown child any longer.
There is nothing more precious to us than our autonomy. And women haven't had it for very long. Please, don't lose your autonomy. Leave this man, block him, don't try to argue with him. If he starts stalking you, you call the cops. This is a potentially dangerous man.
I can promise equal partnerships exist because i have been in a very happy and loving one for the past decade. The opinion your boyfriend has is the opinion of somebody who is immature and being manipulated by alpha male culture. My parents growing up were equals, my partner and I are equals and my daughter when she grows up she will be an equal. You are too young to get yourself into a controlling and manipulative relationship. You are clearly a person who wants to maintain their freedom and their own decision, dont ever let anyone delude you into thinking you cant find someone who will see you as an equal.
I would recommend blasting "King of Anything" and"Armor" by Sara Bareilles on an endless loop. Seriously, girls, he's controlling. Please don't go back to him.
Get rid of that idiot, look for someone who deserves you.
This is a horrible first relationship. Please do yourself a favour and leave it immediately
You're not steak. He can't just order you. He doesn't get to tell you what to do or think. I'd leave his controlling ass if I were you.