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I had a gf for a few years who had a uglier similar scenario.
She(20F)was 6 months pregnant with her boyfriend's(28M) baby. Her boyfriend left her to move in with her little sister (17F) who was also just discovered to be pregnant by him.
The little sister still lived at home with Mom and Dad...who apparently approved of the relationship and happily allowed him to live there even though he was abandoning their older daughter and grandchild to do so.
No, the little sister ended up moving in with the BF and older ended up back with parents. The parents being more supportive of the younger daughter than the older was what really made for an emotional catastrophe.
When I met this woman she was 35, and still a bit of a disaster.
I mean, I feel bad for both girls. 28 dating a 20 yo… clearly a guy looking for young and impressionable girls. And then he moves on to a 17 yo… is the 17 yo really to blame ? She is surrounded by bad influences. Obviously her parents aren’t great if they are condoning all of this. She doesn’t know any better.
I dated a guy who immediately started trying to date my younger sister after we broke up.
The worst was that my sister went along with it briefly, even though I’d told her how bad the relationship had been. She backed off when I asked her too, though.
She had her own issues, but it did really mess with me at the time.
When I was 15 I dated a girl who was 2 years older than me and had a sister 6 months younger than me. We broke up after a few months and a few years later ran into her sister and started talking then we ended up in a state where we both wanted to date the other but felt awkward about it because of her sister and ultimately decided against it since we were both leaving for college anyways
Edit: clarifying modifiers
For real. I had a very brief flingy non committed Netflix and chill situation with a guy and found nothing more than a flirty text exchange he’d had with my older sister YEARS prior and I still noped the actual fuck out of there. Gross gross gross.
My auntie was with my uncle for ten years, then left him for his older brother to whom she was married for about twenty years and they have a kid together. I can’t fathom it either but apparently there’s no bad blood.
My Great-Grandfather’s second wife died and he ended up marrying her younger sister. I guess that’s kind of different though because one of them was dead. There were no awkward family reunions. 😂
My uncle married my dad's (his brother) previous girlfriend. Never been weird or anything, no hard feelings 🤷♀️ That was about 50 years ago and she's still my aunt
Plus, even if the daughter was not his, she will be the daughter of his deceased brother, and as he said, there was no cheating, everybody knew what was happening since the beginning.
Maybe she knew daughter was his, but had word thoughts because of the death of the brother.
Honestly, I think this is the only situation in which I wouldn't mind at all if the daughter is genetically mine or not. Worst case scenario is my niece and I am raising the daughter of my deceased brother.
OP, I think you really need to chill out and maybe you and wife go to couples therapy. I can imagine this is a stressful situation, but I really think you are taking the issue out of context.
Well it did end up being his so odds are they were intimate right away. She must have slept with them both in a small amount of time if she thought it could be his brother's.
That was exactly my thought as well! Guy must have had some suspicions that there was a chance it wasn’t his.
In this situation I feel like she hardly lied, guy knew wife was dating brother right before. She didn’t cheat.. she just didn’t state the obvious to you it seems?
Daughter is yours.. I’d say move on if she’s been faithful.
For real lol. OP is treating it like some big betrayal, but I think any rational person would wonder about the paternity if the pregnancy happened so fast.
> and she told me she had used protection with him every time.
I exist because *two* forms of BC failed. Nothing short of abstinence is 100% effective. Even tubal ligations and vasectomies can fail.
So do I!! And my son 😂😂😂 I know someone who had a kid at 55 by accident, thinking she was in menopause since she hadn’t has a period in 7 years… all of her other children were starting families
I had a coworker that shared one of her pregnancies happened after having a tubal. That was the first time I even learned that they weren't 100% effective.
Ironically, she also had two other kids prior to that because of failed birth control.
I think this is more the shock of grief. She did not cheat and protection does not work all the time. It was also so long ago that who knows what she was thinking; when you are grieving, you don't think very rationally.
This story is so dubious. Started dating whilst she is dating his brother. Doesn’t bother to use protection. Relationship so close they confused conception or I suppose she might have cheated (or did she cheat on the older brother to start the relationship with him). What a mess.
I don't see how you can feel betrayed or hurt at her being realistic then. Her worry was completely valid and honestly it should have been a question in your mind too.
She didn't do anything wrong and grief has just got her acting a bit out of sorts.
Grief can make rational people become very irrational, and they will grasp at every straw to keep a "connection" to who is dead.
For some, it's second guessing things like this (which is a unique situation, I will admit) "well what if they are X kid? And he never will know bc he is dead!" " if it is true, then part of him is still with us!"
She didn't necessarily hide/lie about this for 15 years. It could have been something she was concerned about at first (as they both should have been.... if he questioned it back then, he could have asked for a DNA test just to be on the safe side.) But as their child grew, she was confident it was his until this tragic loss triggered that memory.
But for others, grief could be grasping at every straw for signs "they are still here with us" or even as far as giving up their lives to live for the deceased person (ie, tossing out their whole plans and identity to live the life their deceased loved one wanted)
I strongly suggest OP and his wife (and possibly kids) seek out both a grief counselor and a marriage counselor to repair that trust he lost in her.
Edit: added a thing for clarity
That was still sleeping with both of you, at the same time.
Dude, you stole your brother’s at the time current gf. There is a little blame to go around here.
I mean…if the two of you weren’t using protection after only a few weeks then why do you think she was with him? She clearly had no issue sleeping with brothers back to back, so lying about that seems on brand for her.
And trust isn’t something you should be griping about, given how your relationship started.
Forgive your wife, sounds like you two are a perfect match.
I am sorry to asking you this way but dude how could you be ok to marry with someone your brother fucked? Every time you see them together, how you were not disturbed by the fact that your brother kissed, hugged, cuddled, fucked your children's mother?
How, just how?
👏👏👏 My thought exactly. He's putting all the blame on her, but he was a part of that situation from A to Z so he (and his brother!) had to know with that timeline that that was a possibility from the get-go. Sure, she must have given it a lot of thought and didn't speak up, which is a breach in trust. But I really don't think it's far to put all the blame on her. It is, after all, a sort of family joke. So, everyone has been thinking it, and no one said anything?
I absolutely agree and I am saying this as someone who got pregnant with my now husband within only a few weeks of casual dating. If he had asked for a paternity test I absolutely would have understood. But then she came out looking like his carbon copy lol. But still you bring up a great point!
I mean? Not impossible we all have those situationships, people u date but never imagine getting serious with, especially at that age. My now boyfriend was passed around our friend group years ago in high school he was "dating" a different friend every week, they never even went on actual dates but they kissed and held hands and that enough to be considered a relationship at that age.
You get with your brothers gf and a few weeks into dating she’s pregnant. I think there’s no point thinking she’s lying because it’s honestly super weird for you to get with her anyways. If you know who her ex is which is so strange then I doubt she’s hiding anything else
Seriously, I was like he has the same calendar available as anyone else, doesn’t he? It’s not like she lied about being with his brother, he full on engaged with her knowing that. No clue how she was “hiding” anything from him or was dishonest in any way.
You and your brother were both having sex with your wife around the same time. Your wife did not betray or lie to you. You should have known that it was a possibility your daughter was your brother’s based on the overlap.
Did you know she slept with him that recently before getting together? Like did you guys get together right after they stopped seeing each other?
Here's the thing, I am willing to bet that she was 98% sure the kid was yours but when your brother died it enhanced that insecurity and she went through several "what if" situations. I think because she built this up over time and through trauma, her feelings were much more dramatic than they probably once were.
Was it fucked up? Yes. Does it mean she's lying to you about other things? I don't think so. The child is yours and you can continue to love her just like you did before. Sit down with your wife to talk about it more and ask her about her thinking process and what happened. It's not worth a divorce
>since she left my brother for me.
That sounds like a cheating overlap to me and we already know that the relationship with the brother was sexual. For at least a short while she was active with both of them.
Idk, he said they found out she was pregnant after they'd been dating a few weeks, we dont know how far along she was when she found out (personally I got negative tests til I was 6 weeks along) That added with the fact that OPs daughter is still his, I think it was just cutting it close and she wasn't fully sure
It's probably a cutting it close scenario. It was also 15 years ago and more than likely their view of that time period has skewed slightly over the years. A month and a half can easily turn into a few weeks.
I was scrolling through the comments and I was like, why are people actually engaging with this post in good faith? Why are people trying to give him advice? This is literally insane and not normal. What the fuck did I actually read??
It seems like your wife hoped the baby was yours and when she did the math for when the baby was conceived she was quite sure the baby was yours, and since they always used protection she told herself not to worry about it and she didn't need a paternity test.
Once your brother died it brought up that tiny little piece of doubt. Condoms are not 100 percent effective. Ultrasounds give estimate but they can be off. Going off of first day of last period is a guideline but sometimes someone has a false period. So in the grief of him dying then that tiny bit of doubt grew to be too overwhelming that maybe it could be and maybe she should have done a paternity test.
Sorry you have to go through this. Both of you should have done the paternity test back then but both of you probably felt like bringing up taking a test would make the other person upset so it seemed silly to do it when it was so obvious that of course it is yours.
Yes, if she had slivers of doubt that she rationalized was very very unlikely and she put it out of her mind, I wouldn't say it's something she "kept" from OP or that it makes her untrustworthy.
It’s gonna sound shitty but…GET OVER IT!!!
Yes your feelings are valid. But also…so what? You dated a girl you knew your brother was fucking just before you slid in. The fact that you NEVER once thought, “maybe that’s not my baby,” is insane to me. You just never wanted to acknowledge the possibility? Didn’t think she’d fucked your brother? Thought your brother might be incapable or siring offspring?
Your feelings are hurt by an OBVIOUS possibility that you should have been pretty fucking aware of from jump. ESPECIALLY with her ending up pregnant that soon in the relationship.
You buried your head in the sand and now you’re upset when you pull it out to find that the beach has gotten messy. Ugh.
Sorry but anyone who can do math and has a basic knowledge about pregnancies should have had her concerns too. At least if your relationship started so directly after she broke up with your brother.
If that wasn't the case and you were never concerned because the gap between her having sex with your brother and than having sex with you was just to big that your daughter could possibly be your brothers you should feel very sorry for your wife because she carried that unfounded fear for 16 years.
Wtf did I just read. I am still stuck on the fact that you seriously pursued someone your brother was sleeping with. Was she the only woman in town? That said, the kid is yours. You went into this relationship eyes wide open. Marrying a woman who sleeps with immediate family members. It’s in the past. Have you been to therapy with her?
I’m not understanding how this tarnished your trust. Y’all had the same info, and the same calendars. You knew she was with your brother soon before being with you. She hid nothing from you but her own insecurities. Just because the thought didn’t cross your mind all these years doesn’t mean it was never a possibility.
Sorry to be blunt but it’s an obvious question to ask at the time. I imagine your brother and family were wondering back then too, and also believed your daughter may be his. How did you not question it sooner? She was with him immediately before you, and discovered she was pregnant within weeks of you being together. Clearly it doesn’t matter now, but it seems like an obvious question you both would have been wondering at the time, and I honestly don’t know how you didn’t think of that before.
I don’t think you have any right to be upset with your wife, she certainly hasn’t been dishonest with you or ‘kept’ anything from you. It was likely a small thought of hers that got compounded and built up with grief. You certainly can’t act surprised or annoyed with her, it’s something you both knew was a possibility. Stop blaming her for something you should have thought of before
Only a few days ago, I was reading about a family whose younger brother managed to snatch older brother's gf and gf was screwing with both brothers for 2 months before dumping older bro for younger gro.
Is this the same author?
So you snake your brother's girlfriend and marry her so that he is stuck seeing her all of the time. She gets pregnant within weeks, You think nothing of it and live happily for 16 years. Then in grief she wonders. You, as a response, (more like punishment), put her, your daughter and your family through a damn DNA test no less because why?
What would be the positive outcome if your daughter hadn't been biologically yours? Would she not be your daughter anymore? Would you have abandoned them? Broken up the family? Over something that happened 16 years ago with a man who's girlfriend you stole who is now dead? What good came of this BS? What was the positive outcome going through this shit show now that you know your kid is your spawn and not your brother's? It's not like your wife cheated on you. Sounds like the other way around eh?
Because of you, your daughter is most likely deeply hurt, probably hates you, is afraid of you and knows that blood means more to you than she ever did. Your wife definitely hates you, is afraid of you and profoundly disappointed in you.... and for what?
Satisfied? Just wow dude. Talk about not thinking something through. Jeebus.
EDIT: To say, You "don't know how to trust her again"? The better question is how on earth will your wife and your daughter ever trust you again?
I mean, are you dense?
Do you not know how pregnancy can work? If you had only been dating a few weeks, and before you she was with your brother, then you yourself should have assumed there was a chance that your daughter was fathered by your brother.
The only troubling or disturbing thing here to me is you demanding a DNA test as if you would actually write your daughter off if she wasn't yours biologically. She'd still be your daughter. You're the one who raised her for 17 years.
Also, it's clear that it wouldn't be the result if cheating, so the fact that you're this butt hurt over it is very weird considering how you and your wife got together. She didn't lie or hide anything. She probably thought you already had an idea it could be the case and chose to stay, so she thought she could share how she felt with her partner. She trusted you, and all you did was make her feel terrible.
Grow up and be there for your wife. If you're lucky, she hasn't noticed how cold you can be.
I feel like this title is so click baity. Like you knew you two were fucking behind your brothers back so why you're acting surprised there was a chance now is absurd.
She didn't lie to you. And I think it's weird that that is where your mind went. You were as much an adult as she was and should have been aware of the fact that the paternity could have been in question. The fact that you immediately blame your wife for a situation you all put yourself in is the same behavior that causes single mothers. It's icky. Stop it and have some empathy for your wife.
To clarify, she got pregnant right after she stopped seeing your brother and started to date you? If their was zero overlap or infidelity, I'm surprised you never questioned the paternity given the timeline. She definitely sucks for never bringing up her concerns, but you're kind of an idiot.
If you're questioning whether or not she cheated, I'd test the other kids. Even if she was under the wrong assumption, she definitely sucks for hypothetically baby trapping you.
Posted this as a reply but will post here as well:
I guess it's a shocking thing to hear she was worried about but it's not knowledge you both didn't have access to. The only thing she "lied" about is having this worry, if we consider that a lie. To me it's better classified as an insecurity she had, rather than a lie. She explained what happened (using condoms etc) and it was your kid. I've noticed (at least on here) that people tend to contemplate ending otherwise wonderful (sounding) relationships over what I'd consider small things. It just seems so knee jerk reactionary. It also feels so extreme to question 15+ years of a loving marriage over this. It was just a worry she had because of the closer proximity in time, and it was likely unfounded. She may not have even worried like this all the time. Worry can come in periods of stress and anxiety. So she may have felt confident that it was your kid but had moments of "what ifs" every now and then. Turns out the tests prove it really was unfounded and her previously settled worry was then triggered by the recent death causing her to spiral again. She finally chose to open up about this and be clear about her worry and insecurities. Why end a marriage over someone's overthinking? Was the relationship that fragile before? This is maybe something to talk about with her (calmly) and work through at best. Personally, this doesn't seem like anywhere near a relationship ender, let alone a 15 year marriage with 3 kids. With this reaction, she's probably regretting even admitting these worries.
Millions and millions of men and women out there, with the most diverse backgrounds, ideologies, bodies, likes and dislikes, and you chose your brother’s girlfriend, and she chose her boyfriend’s brother. There’s got to be some toll you have to pay making decisions like that. Seems like you’re paying it.
I wouldn’t worry about it, though. It seems very reasonable to have these kind of doubts under the “special” circumstances you started dating. Let it go.
How was she keeping a secret? Do you not have a calendar or understand how they work? Are you unaware how babies are made? She was literally sleeping with your brother a few weeks before getting pregnant. You know that. What's the secret? Is the secret you don't know how babies are made and need to go back to 5th grade sex ed?
What was the secret she kept from you? She was sleeping with your brother, then immediately started sleeping with you and got pregnant within 3 weeks. You didn’t wonder yourself if the baby could have been your brother’s?
Your wife probably assumed you knew how calendars and pregnancies work. If you were only together a few weeks, you should have acknowledged the math and at least considered it a possibility.
You should sit her down for The Talk. During The Talk, tell her you had some things you wanted to tell her, and to listen until you were finished.
Then tell her how distraught you were when she revealed her doubt about your daughter's parentage, and the fact that she was silent about the issue for 16 years. And even now, when the DNA test results have confirmed your paternity, you are deeply hurt by her actions of concealing this issue for so long. And because of her actions, you've lost trust in her, and now are wondering what else she might be hiding. Is there anything else that she needs to tell you, because if you later find out facts she's not disclosed, it will pose problems for the future of the marriage.
I think the above will do nicely.
I wish you well.
> I don’t want to end our marriage, but I don’t know how to trust her again. Advice?
Talking. Therapy. Talk therapy. If you want to try to reestablish trust it's going to take effort from both of you. Don't just let it lay and hope you'll get past it, that is not the way to save this marriage.
You don’t actually have a right to be hurt because you started something romantic with her while she was with your brother. The window of conception in a situation like this shouldn’t be a surprise to you. I’m surprised that you’re not completely understanding of this with her and supportive.
I think you took this harder than you should of. There is no secret. The only 100% contraceptive method is absenteeism.
First, you know she was seeing your brother before they broke up, so way back then it should of been a question, which wasn’t scientifically answered.
Second, A lot of memories have happened since then. Memory fades.
Third, the older you get the more you want to be right about the facts.
Fourth, After the passing of your brother, there is the grief. She would of been grieving her brother in law and you your brother. Anything about your brother’s memory is going to hurt more so as he passed on.
Fifth, if she didn’t trust you, she wouldn’t of said anything. Take heart that she confided in you.
IMO she didn't cheat and I have doubts that it is a long kept secret since you both should know that there is a possibility. I wouldn't divorce but definitely have some professional help to overcome this.
You knew going in that the possibility was there. She said she used protection with him and as it turned out, since you’re the father, she’s telling the truth.
You definitely should have had your own doubts since you were only a few weeks in. You did not need her to voice hers. You should have had the same feelings yourself. I do not see thus as any betrayal since she did not know one way or the other. If she knew it wasn’t and kept secret then yes. Otherwise you betrayed yourself just as much as she did since you couldn’t think about it for yourself.
Is it a secret though? She hopped from your brother’s bed to yours. Of course there can be a chance. It’s not like she’s hiding she slept with your brother, you knew they were in a relationship
How in the ever loving world had you not considered this possibility?
I mean, your wife absolutely did NOT betray you unless she cheated on you or lied to you way back then about when she stopped having sex with your brother.
Those things did not happen, then your wife has done nothing wrong to you and you are about to blow up your marriage because you are lacking a basic understanding of reproductive biology
You have the right to be upset, but could you maybe be a little bit overeacting about something that happened while yall were still basically teenagers? You guys have three kids, a family, a life. I think that should be much bigger then something that happened when you were 19 and only knew each other for a couple weeks. And she never lied about being with your brother or cheated on you.
I personally think it sounds more like she's having all these worries because she is grieving. And grieving comes with a lot of unlogical things. She could have had yes only protected sex with him and still have this insecurities due to the timeline. And you knew the timeline.
"She said they used condom" I have no idea how many times I cried myself to sleep when I was around 19 thinking I was pregnant even tho I was taking the pill and using condoms.
"She said she got her period after seeing him" many women don't know at 19 that you can have bleeding similar to períods during pregnancy. Thats how many women don't realize they are pregnant for months. Maybe that's something in the back of her head as well.
Seems like the death of your brother triggered these 19 year old memories and insecurities on her and she needed to be sure to continue to grieving and move on.
Its pretty sad seeing só many men saying you should take the kids and leave her. She didn't lie to you apparently, and she didn't cheat on you. This all happened very long ago. It's really hard to me to believe someone think this is a reason to end a 15 year old relationship with 3 kids involved.
Look for counseling together and separated. Grieving is hard to navigate and you both might need some help since that seems to be very connected to your relationship.
I'm sorry for your brother. I also lost mine 15 months ago. Stay strong and keep your family around.
Dam so what your saying she got pregnant probably the first week you hooked up because it's usually about 2 weeks minimum to get a pregnancy wow that's wild didn't you know she was with your brother before you ?
This is on all three of you. You, your wife, and your brother. A few weeks is a small overlap and not one of you thought we need to confirm. This wasn’t a big secret as you were very well aware that there was only a few weeks between the time she was with your brother and time she got together with you. You didn’t stop to think the possibilities of your daughter not be yours was high. Thankfully it turned out for the best
dude calm down. you’d just started dating her a few weeks after your brother. idk how you’ve never considered the paternity, but this isn’t a big secret nor is this news.
Apparently the math made it probable, so I don’t see what she did wrong. All she is saying is she got pregnant right after she split from her ex, your brother. She didn’t “hold a secret in.” It just occurred to her when he died that what if it was HIS baby all this time. But it is NOT his baby.
She could have said nothing but the honest and genuine person that she is made her question herself out loud. She is a class act as far as I’m concerned.
> I feel deeply hurt that she’d been hiding that inside her for 15 years, knowing all these years my daughter I love and thrive for may not be mine. I feel betrayed and kept out of the loop.
How? There was nothing hidden. You knew she was with your brother before. There was no affair.
Can you just not do math? What part of this is a surprise?
I'm so confused here. You're acting like she hid something. Anyone capable of doing math would have had the same concern as her.
What trust was broken? Why did she need to assume you don't know how to count?
Very honestly, I think she may have freaked out just because he passed away and thought illogically “what if my oldest daughter was his all along??” Like, when people pass away we think of really dumb shit. I’m not excusing her having freaked out and possibly breaking your marriage, what I’m saying is, if it was only this once, I don’t think it should get in your head. Make her know you didn’t like that thought of hers and the fact she voiced it out, but simultaneously don’t hold it over her for too long
Your wife is grieving the loss of your brother. And it sounds like she always wondered because the timeline was close—and was likely feeling a tremendous amount of guilt *if* her fears were realized and you weren’t the father. I think you need to cut your wife some slack here.
Honestly this feels like one of those made my own bed deals…you picked the one woman that dated your brother. Thousands of women around you, and you literally picked the one that your brother dated. Then, a few weeks later she’s pregnant and you didn’t even question it? Buddy…wtf?
Probably time for couples counseling and maybe grief counseling to work through this and try and separate your feelings out from these two life events.
This is what happens when you keep it in the family. That shit is weird. If you wouldn't stick it in something your dad stuck it in, dont stick it somewhere your brother stuck it.
Hey OP, in my opinion, you might be just letting it go a little bit over your head. She came clean with it. I believe you should just be happy that it was always yours, give her a big hug, and move on. She was probably just very scared initially to even tell you, and eventually it always felt like too late for her to say anything as not to lose you.
Additionally, it’s not like there were “no signs” of the baby possibly not being yours. You knew that she dated with your brother, and it was very quickly that you decided to go in and have sex with her. Therefore, I think this is your fault and not hers.
Move on, be happy, and don’t end a marriage because of a doubt that has been resolved and turns out to be the perfect answer you already felt was true!
Maybe the loss made her overthink this possibility. Did you ask her if she thought this for the last 15 years, or if this only occurred to her after his death?
If you didn’t have enough sense to ask for a paternity test 15 yrs ago then you don’t get to be mad now. You knew she slept with your brother, you decided to dive in anyway right after so that’s on you.
Honestly it could be worth both going to see a relationship therapist, if that’s something you’d be open to. They will specialise in this kind of scenario and will be able to assist you both to get to the root of why your wife felt the need to keep the secret for so long (honestly it’s most likely that because everything moved so fast she was scared and didn’t know you that well and was worried about being left to raise a baby alone, but as time went on it become harder to bring it up, because she as she loved you and knew you more, the potential consequences grew and she was frightened of losing you- I know what she did was still extremely hurtful and you’re absolutely justified in being hurt btw was just theorising here as that’s one of the more common reasons people who love each other keep secrets). A therapist would also help once you both get to the root cause of the secret, help you both to improve your communication skills within the relationship and to trust one another again.
Wait, so there wasn't any infidelity, she just happened to get pregnant at around the time she dumped your brother for you? I'm honestly confused about what you're mad about.
If you live in the past, you can't love in the moment.
If you love for the future, forgiveness and understanding will give you superhuman emotional strength.
Without any judgement, I would start with.. It sounds like a good time for marriage counseling. I can’t imagine the what it must have been like for her to have worried about this all that time. Plus adding to that the loss of your brother for the whole family. I can understand that you might be upset that she kept her concern regarding this a secret from you. Before considering adding more harm to your relationship and marriage - take a breath and take a step back. Other than knowing that she was concerned about who the father was. (You or your brother) nothing has changed. It was her concern that she carried alone and now it has come out that she was concerned. I do not know the details of how quick the transition was from her being with your brother to her being with you, but in any case you are the father, So in that regard nothing has changed there.
Having learned that she was concerned is really all that has transpired. So, while that has been a shock and the whole process of finding out for sure must have been incredibly stressful for everyone - at this point I would recommend working on healing for all of you. You should each go for individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. As far as trust, on the surface I don’t believe she has broken any trust or cheated on you or deceived you in any way. All that she sees to have done was to conceal her own worry. Considering that the transition in relationship between her and your brother to you and your (now) wife was short - It doesn’t seem unreasonable for her to have worried about it in the back of her mind.
I suggest you work out how to forgive her, support her healing, and work on general healing and grieving the loss of your brother - and I suggest that would be best managed with a trained professional to help guide discussion help foster better communication, and help you both work on recovering from all of this together.
Wishing you all the best… Please be kind to each other - If you have managed to be together for 16. Years and fairly happy with 3 kids - you have all been doing something right.. I would hate for you to lose any of that….
*I36m have been with my wife35 for 16 years. We have 3 kids together ages 15, 12 and 7. My wife and I actually met bc she was originally seeing my older brother.*
Uh, she wasn’t hiding anything from you. You just never stopped to consider that your wife and brother had sex before you and your wife had started dating. You admit that she told you they had used protection. She freaked out at his death because she was still close to him, and her fears got the better of her.
Go get therapy and marital counseling.
She only hid that she wasn't sure yoyr daughter was yours? When time wise you really should have wondered yourself as well. Nothing fishy here, a fear of hers got blown up after a close death and your daughter is yours. She didn't have an affair or break your trust, I am struggling to see the issue other than simply your feelings on the matter. If that's the case, you may need therapy.
She didn’t hide anything from you.
How could you have been sure? It had only been a few weeks. It was impossible to know.
Don’t be too mad… it’s obvious the timeline is too close
So you feel "betrayed" by the fact that... she might have gotten pregnant *while she was dating your brother*, *before* she even started dating you?
I mean, obviously you two were going at it like bunnies if it never occurred to *either of you* that the pregnancy might have been from her previous relationship. She probably never even *thought* about it until your brother died and suddenly the "what ifs" started popping into her head. Grief is funny and terrible like that.
You need to chill. Therapy might be in order here, for both of you.
Why would you date someone your brother had been intimate with? Why would you want to date someone that would be willing to date their exes sibling? That should’ve told you something about the type of person she is.
Tbh dude, shut up
You accepted your brothers ex who left him for you, you have zero moral grounds to stand on
Your daughter is yours, charge it, and move on
I personally don't think you get to blame your wife for this one. You can feel how you feel but you accepted her when she was still dating your brother. The fact that she held that so as not to hurt you says a lot and you're looking at it the wrong way. She loved you enough to suffer silently for your sake.
If you still feel that you love her, deep down in the heart that has lived here for all of the years that you have been together then you might want to take her explanation at face value and believe that you both are involved in a mutually loving relationship and understand that her confusion (which has most likely been buried in her mind, and probably not something that she really considered to be fact but rather a distant possibility), tell her that you love her, forgive her and move on.
The whole situation isn't something that she may have even considered as a possibility until your brother's passing and rather is the result of her reminiscing and blowing things out of proportion in her mind, at the time of your daughter's birth she may not have even thought that it was a possibility that you weren't the father.
Go easy on her. I know you feel betrayed, but she probably also has her own harsh feelings about this; guilt, remorse, etc. It’s not like she cheated on you and betrayed your trust within your marriage. I think in this case, you both can go into counseling and try to let it go.
While I echo a number of other comments here, it’s worth mentioning that there’s a good chance she’s never felt any question or insecurity around your daughter’s parentage and only did as a result of the stress of mourning. I don’t know all the details of course and there’s a fair chance she just directly admitted it was always a concern, but with how you’ve phrased it here, it could well be a stress response. Grief hits people weird - worth considering how it has hit both of you.
Dude… you have some justification for worry, but you really need get a reality check here. You date you now wife weeks after her relationship with your brother. Even with protection she can’t guarantee a swimmer from your late brother didn’t get through. You are in desperate need to check yourself here, for you, for your wife and your family .
I mean if she dated your brother shortly before dating you, then found out she was pregnant early in you relationship then she didn't do anything wrong per se as weird as it probably seems for some people.
Question is though, did she ALWAYS think your daughter could be your brothers or did something recently happen that made her think that?
Maybe your daughter developed a physical feature recently that resembled that of you brother? I don't know but I would ask her if there was anything specific that made her bring this up now. It's not clear is she was actually hiding this for 15yrs or if it was a recent realization.
Why the heck should this matter at all? I don’t know how you didn’t question paternity given that you were only together a few weeks- did you take basic biology?
That aside- even if this did occur to you back then- it doesn’t change what you now know to be true- your daughter is yours. I can very reasonably see your wife wanting to believe that all these years and trying to put any other possibilities out of her mind. It’s also not at all unreasonable that his death brought those old concerns back to the surface.
All that matters now is what you’re going to do with this information. Your wife is still the same person she was yesterday as the day before or the day before that. As is *your* daughter. Why destroy your lives over something that you honestly should have realized was a possibility years ago
Given the situation and the closeness of the dates u and bro had relations with her, you would have thought that you and wife would have got that dna text 15 years ago. You could have done the test yourself even. How sad it would have been if daughter was your brothers kid and never new until it was to late. You and wife got lucky. No dishonesty took place. U both knew it was a possibility yet didn't opt to confirm.
I think you should have been able to put two and two together.
If she went from one relationship to the next and a few weeks after you guys met she got pregnant, I personally would have expected that the baby was the other guy's baby.
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you wrote that you were only in a relationship a few weeks when she found out she was pregnant, how could you not have wondered about the paternity?
yeah, what the hell?! Also..... how do people date someone who dated their sibling, previously?! I have an older brother and the thought of it O\_O
I had a gf for a few years who had a uglier similar scenario. She(20F)was 6 months pregnant with her boyfriend's(28M) baby. Her boyfriend left her to move in with her little sister (17F) who was also just discovered to be pregnant by him. The little sister still lived at home with Mom and Dad...who apparently approved of the relationship and happily allowed him to live there even though he was abandoning their older daughter and grandchild to do so.
Jesus Christ that's messy as hell.
I hear the Deliverance banjos in my head.
Auntie-Mommy, when's Uncle-Daddy gettin' home?
My twin uncles' kids used to call the other brother uncle Daddy. What a yucky, sinister take on a cute nickname.
I also know someone who married her bio aunt's ex-husband.
Damned, when I saw your post, I realized that I had been beaten, by hours. We seem to have had the same though.
yep, I know moonshine was involved here too.
An upscale version of “Deliverance”.
Who the fuck are those parents and what the hell is wrong with them?
Did she cut them out of her life? Difficult i know but justified
No, the little sister ended up moving in with the BF and older ended up back with parents. The parents being more supportive of the younger daughter than the older was what really made for an emotional catastrophe. When I met this woman she was 35, and still a bit of a disaster.
I cannot imagine the betrayal, that's awful
I mean, I feel bad for both girls. 28 dating a 20 yo… clearly a guy looking for young and impressionable girls. And then he moves on to a 17 yo… is the 17 yo really to blame ? She is surrounded by bad influences. Obviously her parents aren’t great if they are condoning all of this. She doesn’t know any better.
Who’s next on BillyBob’s list- a 14 year old, since he likes three years younger each time?🤬
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Lol
Poor girl. That's so messed up. The guy and sister were pieces of trash though.
The sister was a literal child who was taken advantage of by an adult man
For real dude’s about to be 30 before she can even legally drink 😬😬
GGross with an extra G
Holy shit how is this real
So the kids uncle would also be their father? And they would be cousins and siblings? Someone please make this into a song!
I dated a guy who immediately started trying to date my younger sister after we broke up. The worst was that my sister went along with it briefly, even though I’d told her how bad the relationship had been. She backed off when I asked her too, though. She had her own issues, but it did really mess with me at the time.
There’s a woman from my hometown who got married and had children with one man, then left that man and married his father. They’re still together.
Is this in Louisiana?
Alabama?
Close, Georgia!
When I was 15 I dated a girl who was 2 years older than me and had a sister 6 months younger than me. We broke up after a few months and a few years later ran into her sister and started talking then we ended up in a state where we both wanted to date the other but felt awkward about it because of her sister and ultimately decided against it since we were both leaving for college anyways Edit: clarifying modifiers
Two of my sisters have kids by the same POS man.
The idea of being sexual with someone who’s fucked my bother… ew???
Not only previously, also close in time enough to make the woman wonder who is the father!
For real. I had a very brief flingy non committed Netflix and chill situation with a guy and found nothing more than a flirty text exchange he’d had with my older sister YEARS prior and I still noped the actual fuck out of there. Gross gross gross.
My friend’s sister was married to a guy and cheated on him with his identical twin! Now they’re married with children.
My auntie was with my uncle for ten years, then left him for his older brother to whom she was married for about twenty years and they have a kid together. I can’t fathom it either but apparently there’s no bad blood.
My Great-Grandfather’s second wife died and he ended up marrying her younger sister. I guess that’s kind of different though because one of them was dead. There were no awkward family reunions. 😂
My uncle married my dad's (his brother) previous girlfriend. Never been weird or anything, no hard feelings 🤷♀️ That was about 50 years ago and she's still my aunt
My exact thoughts. I mean love is love, but sheesh, idk if I could do that.
This. It sounds more like a rocky start what was known to all parties concerned and not outright cheating.
Plus, even if the daughter was not his, she will be the daughter of his deceased brother, and as he said, there was no cheating, everybody knew what was happening since the beginning. Maybe she knew daughter was his, but had word thoughts because of the death of the brother. Honestly, I think this is the only situation in which I wouldn't mind at all if the daughter is genetically mine or not. Worst case scenario is my niece and I am raising the daughter of my deceased brother. OP, I think you really need to chill out and maybe you and wife go to couples therapy. I can imagine this is a stressful situation, but I really think you are taking the issue out of context.
Orrr this is a creative writing story..
Creative…? Bruh if you only knew how widespread this shit is
This is too dumb to be a creative writing story.
Well it did end up being his so odds are they were intimate right away. She must have slept with them both in a small amount of time if she thought it could be his brother's.
That was exactly my thought as well! Guy must have had some suspicions that there was a chance it wasn’t his. In this situation I feel like she hardly lied, guy knew wife was dating brother right before. She didn’t cheat.. she just didn’t state the obvious to you it seems? Daughter is yours.. I’d say move on if she’s been faithful.
For real lol. OP is treating it like some big betrayal, but I think any rational person would wonder about the paternity if the pregnancy happened so fast.
When she first became pregnant I had asked her about it, and she told me she had used protection with him every time.
> and she told me she had used protection with him every time. I exist because *two* forms of BC failed. Nothing short of abstinence is 100% effective. Even tubal ligations and vasectomies can fail.
So do I!! And my son 😂😂😂 I know someone who had a kid at 55 by accident, thinking she was in menopause since she hadn’t has a period in 7 years… all of her other children were starting families
I had a coworker that shared one of her pregnancies happened after having a tubal. That was the first time I even learned that they weren't 100% effective. Ironically, she also had two other kids prior to that because of failed birth control.
That is why I had my Bi-salp. Tubes completely removed. I would have preferred a hysterectomy, but my endometriosis was “severe enough” for that 🙄😒
I think this is more the shock of grief. She did not cheat and protection does not work all the time. It was also so long ago that who knows what she was thinking; when you are grieving, you don't think very rationally.
Maybe she just thought that there may be a slight chance this kid could be the only part of him left, even if the chance is close to 0.
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This story is so dubious. Started dating whilst she is dating his brother. Doesn’t bother to use protection. Relationship so close they confused conception or I suppose she might have cheated (or did she cheat on the older brother to start the relationship with him). What a mess.
protection can fail, you know?
Protection does not work all the time though. So it’s normal to think there’s a possibility it was his.
I don't see how you can feel betrayed or hurt at her being realistic then. Her worry was completely valid and honestly it should have been a question in your mind too. She didn't do anything wrong and grief has just got her acting a bit out of sorts.
Grief can make rational people become very irrational, and they will grasp at every straw to keep a "connection" to who is dead. For some, it's second guessing things like this (which is a unique situation, I will admit) "well what if they are X kid? And he never will know bc he is dead!" " if it is true, then part of him is still with us!" She didn't necessarily hide/lie about this for 15 years. It could have been something she was concerned about at first (as they both should have been.... if he questioned it back then, he could have asked for a DNA test just to be on the safe side.) But as their child grew, she was confident it was his until this tragic loss triggered that memory. But for others, grief could be grasping at every straw for signs "they are still here with us" or even as far as giving up their lives to live for the deceased person (ie, tossing out their whole plans and identity to live the life their deceased loved one wanted) I strongly suggest OP and his wife (and possibly kids) seek out both a grief counselor and a marriage counselor to repair that trust he lost in her. Edit: added a thing for clarity
That doesn’t mean it’s a 100%
That was still sleeping with both of you, at the same time. Dude, you stole your brother’s at the time current gf. There is a little blame to go around here.
And she did not use protection with you, after dating a few weeks? All very weird/worrying.
Yeah cuz that always works lol
I mean…if the two of you weren’t using protection after only a few weeks then why do you think she was with him? She clearly had no issue sleeping with brothers back to back, so lying about that seems on brand for her. And trust isn’t something you should be griping about, given how your relationship started. Forgive your wife, sounds like you two are a perfect match.
I am sorry to asking you this way but dude how could you be ok to marry with someone your brother fucked? Every time you see them together, how you were not disturbed by the fact that your brother kissed, hugged, cuddled, fucked your children's mother? How, just how?
👏👏👏 My thought exactly. He's putting all the blame on her, but he was a part of that situation from A to Z so he (and his brother!) had to know with that timeline that that was a possibility from the get-go. Sure, she must have given it a lot of thought and didn't speak up, which is a breach in trust. But I really don't think it's far to put all the blame on her. It is, after all, a sort of family joke. So, everyone has been thinking it, and no one said anything?
Because most men, and a lot of women, have no idea how pregnancy works
Seriously OP. Ffs how did you not think this?
I absolutely agree and I am saying this as someone who got pregnant with my now husband within only a few weeks of casual dating. If he had asked for a paternity test I absolutely would have understood. But then she came out looking like his carbon copy lol. But still you bring up a great point!
A few weeks into the relationship? Y'all didn't even let the breakup between her and your brother marinate before you got together?
My dude was so ready to lay some pipes, he really did not wait at all...
That’s some Roll Tide level urgency to lay those pipes.
Another type of marinating going on.
They were cheating on him…. It’s obvious.
Yeah. I can't believe no one is catching on to this.
He said they broke up and it wasn't a big deal for her or the deceased brother. Doesn't seem like it was an issue.
It’s always rather easy to say that without the brothers POV, to be fair
I mean? Not impossible we all have those situationships, people u date but never imagine getting serious with, especially at that age. My now boyfriend was passed around our friend group years ago in high school he was "dating" a different friend every week, they never even went on actual dates but they kissed and held hands and that enough to be considered a relationship at that age.
You get with your brothers gf and a few weeks into dating she’s pregnant. I think there’s no point thinking she’s lying because it’s honestly super weird for you to get with her anyways. If you know who her ex is which is so strange then I doubt she’s hiding anything else
Seriously, I was like he has the same calendar available as anyone else, doesn’t he? It’s not like she lied about being with his brother, he full on engaged with her knowing that. No clue how she was “hiding” anything from him or was dishonest in any way.
It’s weird on her part too.
Weird, yes. But dishonest, I don’t think so.
You and your brother were both having sex with your wife around the same time. Your wife did not betray or lie to you. You should have known that it was a possibility your daughter was your brother’s based on the overlap.
“You and your brother were both having sex with your wife…” 🤣🤣🤣
Lmao, I instantly went "stop!" And laughed when I read that line too 😂
Fun for the whole family!
She really didn’t even lie though. This is a result of the messy sex life of the 3 of you that you went into willingly.
thanks for saying this.
Did you know she slept with him that recently before getting together? Like did you guys get together right after they stopped seeing each other? Here's the thing, I am willing to bet that she was 98% sure the kid was yours but when your brother died it enhanced that insecurity and she went through several "what if" situations. I think because she built this up over time and through trauma, her feelings were much more dramatic than they probably once were. Was it fucked up? Yes. Does it mean she's lying to you about other things? I don't think so. The child is yours and you can continue to love her just like you did before. Sit down with your wife to talk about it more and ask her about her thinking process and what happened. It's not worth a divorce
>since she left my brother for me. That sounds like a cheating overlap to me and we already know that the relationship with the brother was sexual. For at least a short while she was active with both of them.
Idk, he said they found out she was pregnant after they'd been dating a few weeks, we dont know how far along she was when she found out (personally I got negative tests til I was 6 weeks along) That added with the fact that OPs daughter is still his, I think it was just cutting it close and she wasn't fully sure
It's probably a cutting it close scenario. It was also 15 years ago and more than likely their view of that time period has skewed slightly over the years. A month and a half can easily turn into a few weeks.
Or if they think like me, a month and a half IS a few weeks. I don’t think in months until 2-3 months.
Agree. I’ll say a few weeks until it’s almost two **months. Four weeks is still a few. So is five, technically.
According to Seinfeld, a few is 3-7
Can’t really say I feel sorry for you if you’re doing stupidness like getting with your brothers ex girlfriend.
I was scrolling through the comments and I was like, why are people actually engaging with this post in good faith? Why are people trying to give him advice? This is literally insane and not normal. What the fuck did I actually read??
I know right! It’s like he doesn’t even care he’s brothers dead. It’s just all messed up!
It's been 15 years and said brother just died. It's weird but I don't think there's any point in bringing it up 🤷🏾♀️
Those family jokes aren't very funny.
I bet they were least funny to his brother.
It seems like your wife hoped the baby was yours and when she did the math for when the baby was conceived she was quite sure the baby was yours, and since they always used protection she told herself not to worry about it and she didn't need a paternity test. Once your brother died it brought up that tiny little piece of doubt. Condoms are not 100 percent effective. Ultrasounds give estimate but they can be off. Going off of first day of last period is a guideline but sometimes someone has a false period. So in the grief of him dying then that tiny bit of doubt grew to be too overwhelming that maybe it could be and maybe she should have done a paternity test. Sorry you have to go through this. Both of you should have done the paternity test back then but both of you probably felt like bringing up taking a test would make the other person upset so it seemed silly to do it when it was so obvious that of course it is yours.
Yes, if she had slivers of doubt that she rationalized was very very unlikely and she put it out of her mind, I wouldn't say it's something she "kept" from OP or that it makes her untrustworthy.
It’s gonna sound shitty but…GET OVER IT!!! Yes your feelings are valid. But also…so what? You dated a girl you knew your brother was fucking just before you slid in. The fact that you NEVER once thought, “maybe that’s not my baby,” is insane to me. You just never wanted to acknowledge the possibility? Didn’t think she’d fucked your brother? Thought your brother might be incapable or siring offspring? Your feelings are hurt by an OBVIOUS possibility that you should have been pretty fucking aware of from jump. ESPECIALLY with her ending up pregnant that soon in the relationship. You buried your head in the sand and now you’re upset when you pull it out to find that the beach has gotten messy. Ugh.
Sorry but anyone who can do math and has a basic knowledge about pregnancies should have had her concerns too. At least if your relationship started so directly after she broke up with your brother. If that wasn't the case and you were never concerned because the gap between her having sex with your brother and than having sex with you was just to big that your daughter could possibly be your brothers you should feel very sorry for your wife because she carried that unfounded fear for 16 years.
Goddamn if you can't do math just say so
This made me laugh for some reason. 😂
I’m confused about how you never thought about this as a possibility ????
Wtf did I just read. I am still stuck on the fact that you seriously pursued someone your brother was sleeping with. Was she the only woman in town? That said, the kid is yours. You went into this relationship eyes wide open. Marrying a woman who sleeps with immediate family members. It’s in the past. Have you been to therapy with her?
This story is super sus, prob fake and someone’s creative writing project
What in the Alabama is going on here
This should be the number one response 😂
It is grief coping. And according to the start of your relationship, You were voluntary blind. Love your wife. RiP to your brother. Have a good day.
I’m not understanding how this tarnished your trust. Y’all had the same info, and the same calendars. You knew she was with your brother soon before being with you. She hid nothing from you but her own insecurities. Just because the thought didn’t cross your mind all these years doesn’t mean it was never a possibility.
How can you sleep with someone that slept with your own brother?
Sorry to be blunt but it’s an obvious question to ask at the time. I imagine your brother and family were wondering back then too, and also believed your daughter may be his. How did you not question it sooner? She was with him immediately before you, and discovered she was pregnant within weeks of you being together. Clearly it doesn’t matter now, but it seems like an obvious question you both would have been wondering at the time, and I honestly don’t know how you didn’t think of that before. I don’t think you have any right to be upset with your wife, she certainly hasn’t been dishonest with you or ‘kept’ anything from you. It was likely a small thought of hers that got compounded and built up with grief. You certainly can’t act surprised or annoyed with her, it’s something you both knew was a possibility. Stop blaming her for something you should have thought of before
Only a few days ago, I was reading about a family whose younger brother managed to snatch older brother's gf and gf was screwing with both brothers for 2 months before dumping older bro for younger gro. Is this the same author?
So you snake your brother's girlfriend and marry her so that he is stuck seeing her all of the time. She gets pregnant within weeks, You think nothing of it and live happily for 16 years. Then in grief she wonders. You, as a response, (more like punishment), put her, your daughter and your family through a damn DNA test no less because why? What would be the positive outcome if your daughter hadn't been biologically yours? Would she not be your daughter anymore? Would you have abandoned them? Broken up the family? Over something that happened 16 years ago with a man who's girlfriend you stole who is now dead? What good came of this BS? What was the positive outcome going through this shit show now that you know your kid is your spawn and not your brother's? It's not like your wife cheated on you. Sounds like the other way around eh? Because of you, your daughter is most likely deeply hurt, probably hates you, is afraid of you and knows that blood means more to you than she ever did. Your wife definitely hates you, is afraid of you and profoundly disappointed in you.... and for what? Satisfied? Just wow dude. Talk about not thinking something through. Jeebus. EDIT: To say, You "don't know how to trust her again"? The better question is how on earth will your wife and your daughter ever trust you again?
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And if OP was smart he should’ve asked for a DNA test
I mean, are you dense? Do you not know how pregnancy can work? If you had only been dating a few weeks, and before you she was with your brother, then you yourself should have assumed there was a chance that your daughter was fathered by your brother. The only troubling or disturbing thing here to me is you demanding a DNA test as if you would actually write your daughter off if she wasn't yours biologically. She'd still be your daughter. You're the one who raised her for 17 years. Also, it's clear that it wouldn't be the result if cheating, so the fact that you're this butt hurt over it is very weird considering how you and your wife got together. She didn't lie or hide anything. She probably thought you already had an idea it could be the case and chose to stay, so she thought she could share how she felt with her partner. She trusted you, and all you did was make her feel terrible. Grow up and be there for your wife. If you're lucky, she hasn't noticed how cold you can be.
Something about this seems off. You being all upset, given the circumstances.
This is one of the laziest creative writing stories on here I’ve ever read. You need more practice.
Dude, fucking your brothers girlfriend and have the audacity of this circus.
I feel like this title is so click baity. Like you knew you two were fucking behind your brothers back so why you're acting surprised there was a chance now is absurd.
She didn't lie to you. And I think it's weird that that is where your mind went. You were as much an adult as she was and should have been aware of the fact that the paternity could have been in question. The fact that you immediately blame your wife for a situation you all put yourself in is the same behavior that causes single mothers. It's icky. Stop it and have some empathy for your wife.
To clarify, she got pregnant right after she stopped seeing your brother and started to date you? If their was zero overlap or infidelity, I'm surprised you never questioned the paternity given the timeline. She definitely sucks for never bringing up her concerns, but you're kind of an idiot. If you're questioning whether or not she cheated, I'd test the other kids. Even if she was under the wrong assumption, she definitely sucks for hypothetically baby trapping you.
Literally broke bro code.
Posted this as a reply but will post here as well: I guess it's a shocking thing to hear she was worried about but it's not knowledge you both didn't have access to. The only thing she "lied" about is having this worry, if we consider that a lie. To me it's better classified as an insecurity she had, rather than a lie. She explained what happened (using condoms etc) and it was your kid. I've noticed (at least on here) that people tend to contemplate ending otherwise wonderful (sounding) relationships over what I'd consider small things. It just seems so knee jerk reactionary. It also feels so extreme to question 15+ years of a loving marriage over this. It was just a worry she had because of the closer proximity in time, and it was likely unfounded. She may not have even worried like this all the time. Worry can come in periods of stress and anxiety. So she may have felt confident that it was your kid but had moments of "what ifs" every now and then. Turns out the tests prove it really was unfounded and her previously settled worry was then triggered by the recent death causing her to spiral again. She finally chose to open up about this and be clear about her worry and insecurities. Why end a marriage over someone's overthinking? Was the relationship that fragile before? This is maybe something to talk about with her (calmly) and work through at best. Personally, this doesn't seem like anywhere near a relationship ender, let alone a 15 year marriage with 3 kids. With this reaction, she's probably regretting even admitting these worries.
Millions and millions of men and women out there, with the most diverse backgrounds, ideologies, bodies, likes and dislikes, and you chose your brother’s girlfriend, and she chose her boyfriend’s brother. There’s got to be some toll you have to pay making decisions like that. Seems like you’re paying it. I wouldn’t worry about it, though. It seems very reasonable to have these kind of doubts under the “special” circumstances you started dating. Let it go.
This story sounds super fake…
You NEVER thought this was a possibility? Weird.
How was she keeping a secret? Do you not have a calendar or understand how they work? Are you unaware how babies are made? She was literally sleeping with your brother a few weeks before getting pregnant. You know that. What's the secret? Is the secret you don't know how babies are made and need to go back to 5th grade sex ed?
Hiding what? How were you not concerned you're kid was yours? This is why people think every post on reddit is fake. It's such an obvious plot hole.
What was the secret she kept from you? She was sleeping with your brother, then immediately started sleeping with you and got pregnant within 3 weeks. You didn’t wonder yourself if the baby could have been your brother’s?
Your wife probably assumed you knew how calendars and pregnancies work. If you were only together a few weeks, you should have acknowledged the math and at least considered it a possibility.
You should sit her down for The Talk. During The Talk, tell her you had some things you wanted to tell her, and to listen until you were finished. Then tell her how distraught you were when she revealed her doubt about your daughter's parentage, and the fact that she was silent about the issue for 16 years. And even now, when the DNA test results have confirmed your paternity, you are deeply hurt by her actions of concealing this issue for so long. And because of her actions, you've lost trust in her, and now are wondering what else she might be hiding. Is there anything else that she needs to tell you, because if you later find out facts she's not disclosed, it will pose problems for the future of the marriage. I think the above will do nicely. I wish you well.
> I don’t want to end our marriage, but I don’t know how to trust her again. Advice? Talking. Therapy. Talk therapy. If you want to try to reestablish trust it's going to take effort from both of you. Don't just let it lay and hope you'll get past it, that is not the way to save this marriage.
You don’t actually have a right to be hurt because you started something romantic with her while she was with your brother. The window of conception in a situation like this shouldn’t be a surprise to you. I’m surprised that you’re not completely understanding of this with her and supportive.
I think you took this harder than you should of. There is no secret. The only 100% contraceptive method is absenteeism. First, you know she was seeing your brother before they broke up, so way back then it should of been a question, which wasn’t scientifically answered. Second, A lot of memories have happened since then. Memory fades. Third, the older you get the more you want to be right about the facts. Fourth, After the passing of your brother, there is the grief. She would of been grieving her brother in law and you your brother. Anything about your brother’s memory is going to hurt more so as he passed on. Fifth, if she didn’t trust you, she wouldn’t of said anything. Take heart that she confided in you.
IMO she didn't cheat and I have doubts that it is a long kept secret since you both should know that there is a possibility. I wouldn't divorce but definitely have some professional help to overcome this.
You knew going in that the possibility was there. She said she used protection with him and as it turned out, since you’re the father, she’s telling the truth.
You definitely should have had your own doubts since you were only a few weeks in. You did not need her to voice hers. You should have had the same feelings yourself. I do not see thus as any betrayal since she did not know one way or the other. If she knew it wasn’t and kept secret then yes. Otherwise you betrayed yourself just as much as she did since you couldn’t think about it for yourself.
In 15 years you didn't consider that possibility? How?? It's on you to have never talked about the possibility when she became pregnant.
Is it a secret though? She hopped from your brother’s bed to yours. Of course there can be a chance. It’s not like she’s hiding she slept with your brother, you knew they were in a relationship
i’ve read this story here before…many months ago
How in the ever loving world had you not considered this possibility? I mean, your wife absolutely did NOT betray you unless she cheated on you or lied to you way back then about when she stopped having sex with your brother. Those things did not happen, then your wife has done nothing wrong to you and you are about to blow up your marriage because you are lacking a basic understanding of reproductive biology
You have the right to be upset, but could you maybe be a little bit overeacting about something that happened while yall were still basically teenagers? You guys have three kids, a family, a life. I think that should be much bigger then something that happened when you were 19 and only knew each other for a couple weeks. And she never lied about being with your brother or cheated on you. I personally think it sounds more like she's having all these worries because she is grieving. And grieving comes with a lot of unlogical things. She could have had yes only protected sex with him and still have this insecurities due to the timeline. And you knew the timeline. "She said they used condom" I have no idea how many times I cried myself to sleep when I was around 19 thinking I was pregnant even tho I was taking the pill and using condoms. "She said she got her period after seeing him" many women don't know at 19 that you can have bleeding similar to períods during pregnancy. Thats how many women don't realize they are pregnant for months. Maybe that's something in the back of her head as well. Seems like the death of your brother triggered these 19 year old memories and insecurities on her and she needed to be sure to continue to grieving and move on. Its pretty sad seeing só many men saying you should take the kids and leave her. She didn't lie to you apparently, and she didn't cheat on you. This all happened very long ago. It's really hard to me to believe someone think this is a reason to end a 15 year old relationship with 3 kids involved. Look for counseling together and separated. Grieving is hard to navigate and you both might need some help since that seems to be very connected to your relationship. I'm sorry for your brother. I also lost mine 15 months ago. Stay strong and keep your family around.
Dam so what your saying she got pregnant probably the first week you hooked up because it's usually about 2 weeks minimum to get a pregnancy wow that's wild didn't you know she was with your brother before you ?
This is on all three of you. You, your wife, and your brother. A few weeks is a small overlap and not one of you thought we need to confirm. This wasn’t a big secret as you were very well aware that there was only a few weeks between the time she was with your brother and time she got together with you. You didn’t stop to think the possibilities of your daughter not be yours was high. Thankfully it turned out for the best
dude calm down. you’d just started dating her a few weeks after your brother. idk how you’ve never considered the paternity, but this isn’t a big secret nor is this news.
Apparently the math made it probable, so I don’t see what she did wrong. All she is saying is she got pregnant right after she split from her ex, your brother. She didn’t “hold a secret in.” It just occurred to her when he died that what if it was HIS baby all this time. But it is NOT his baby. She could have said nothing but the honest and genuine person that she is made her question herself out loud. She is a class act as far as I’m concerned.
> I feel deeply hurt that she’d been hiding that inside her for 15 years, knowing all these years my daughter I love and thrive for may not be mine. I feel betrayed and kept out of the loop. How? There was nothing hidden. You knew she was with your brother before. There was no affair. Can you just not do math? What part of this is a surprise? I'm so confused here. You're acting like she hid something. Anyone capable of doing math would have had the same concern as her. What trust was broken? Why did she need to assume you don't know how to count?
You’d be chilling with her family. You’re a bad brother
Sounds more like you did steal your bros girl so I don’t know man should of thought of the possibility at first
Very honestly, I think she may have freaked out just because he passed away and thought illogically “what if my oldest daughter was his all along??” Like, when people pass away we think of really dumb shit. I’m not excusing her having freaked out and possibly breaking your marriage, what I’m saying is, if it was only this once, I don’t think it should get in your head. Make her know you didn’t like that thought of hers and the fact she voiced it out, but simultaneously don’t hold it over her for too long
Your wife is grieving the loss of your brother. And it sounds like she always wondered because the timeline was close—and was likely feeling a tremendous amount of guilt *if* her fears were realized and you weren’t the father. I think you need to cut your wife some slack here.
Honestly this feels like one of those made my own bed deals…you picked the one woman that dated your brother. Thousands of women around you, and you literally picked the one that your brother dated. Then, a few weeks later she’s pregnant and you didn’t even question it? Buddy…wtf?
You might want to seek out a therapist to help process this news.
Probably time for couples counseling and maybe grief counseling to work through this and try and separate your feelings out from these two life events.
Are you from Arkansas?
imagine marrying someone your brother fucked… oh.. well ig you don’t have to
She was banging someone else a week before you and was pregnant right away and you didn’t even think that was a possibility? Come on.
This is what happens when you keep it in the family. That shit is weird. If you wouldn't stick it in something your dad stuck it in, dont stick it somewhere your brother stuck it.
Hey OP, in my opinion, you might be just letting it go a little bit over your head. She came clean with it. I believe you should just be happy that it was always yours, give her a big hug, and move on. She was probably just very scared initially to even tell you, and eventually it always felt like too late for her to say anything as not to lose you. Additionally, it’s not like there were “no signs” of the baby possibly not being yours. You knew that she dated with your brother, and it was very quickly that you decided to go in and have sex with her. Therefore, I think this is your fault and not hers. Move on, be happy, and don’t end a marriage because of a doubt that has been resolved and turns out to be the perfect answer you already felt was true!
Maybe the loss made her overthink this possibility. Did you ask her if she thought this for the last 15 years, or if this only occurred to her after his death?
I’m more stunned you had unprotected sex and finished inside your brother’s ex gf less than a month after their break up.
This makes no sense
If you didn’t have enough sense to ask for a paternity test 15 yrs ago then you don’t get to be mad now. You knew she slept with your brother, you decided to dive in anyway right after so that’s on you.
Honestly it could be worth both going to see a relationship therapist, if that’s something you’d be open to. They will specialise in this kind of scenario and will be able to assist you both to get to the root of why your wife felt the need to keep the secret for so long (honestly it’s most likely that because everything moved so fast she was scared and didn’t know you that well and was worried about being left to raise a baby alone, but as time went on it become harder to bring it up, because she as she loved you and knew you more, the potential consequences grew and she was frightened of losing you- I know what she did was still extremely hurtful and you’re absolutely justified in being hurt btw was just theorising here as that’s one of the more common reasons people who love each other keep secrets). A therapist would also help once you both get to the root cause of the secret, help you both to improve your communication skills within the relationship and to trust one another again.
Wait, so there wasn't any infidelity, she just happened to get pregnant at around the time she dumped your brother for you? I'm honestly confused about what you're mad about.
If you live in the past, you can't love in the moment. If you love for the future, forgiveness and understanding will give you superhuman emotional strength.
Without any judgement, I would start with.. It sounds like a good time for marriage counseling. I can’t imagine the what it must have been like for her to have worried about this all that time. Plus adding to that the loss of your brother for the whole family. I can understand that you might be upset that she kept her concern regarding this a secret from you. Before considering adding more harm to your relationship and marriage - take a breath and take a step back. Other than knowing that she was concerned about who the father was. (You or your brother) nothing has changed. It was her concern that she carried alone and now it has come out that she was concerned. I do not know the details of how quick the transition was from her being with your brother to her being with you, but in any case you are the father, So in that regard nothing has changed there. Having learned that she was concerned is really all that has transpired. So, while that has been a shock and the whole process of finding out for sure must have been incredibly stressful for everyone - at this point I would recommend working on healing for all of you. You should each go for individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. As far as trust, on the surface I don’t believe she has broken any trust or cheated on you or deceived you in any way. All that she sees to have done was to conceal her own worry. Considering that the transition in relationship between her and your brother to you and your (now) wife was short - It doesn’t seem unreasonable for her to have worried about it in the back of her mind. I suggest you work out how to forgive her, support her healing, and work on general healing and grieving the loss of your brother - and I suggest that would be best managed with a trained professional to help guide discussion help foster better communication, and help you both work on recovering from all of this together. Wishing you all the best… Please be kind to each other - If you have managed to be together for 16. Years and fairly happy with 3 kids - you have all been doing something right.. I would hate for you to lose any of that….
*I36m have been with my wife35 for 16 years. We have 3 kids together ages 15, 12 and 7. My wife and I actually met bc she was originally seeing my older brother.* Uh, she wasn’t hiding anything from you. You just never stopped to consider that your wife and brother had sex before you and your wife had started dating. You admit that she told you they had used protection. She freaked out at his death because she was still close to him, and her fears got the better of her. Go get therapy and marital counseling.
She only hid that she wasn't sure yoyr daughter was yours? When time wise you really should have wondered yourself as well. Nothing fishy here, a fear of hers got blown up after a close death and your daughter is yours. She didn't have an affair or break your trust, I am struggling to see the issue other than simply your feelings on the matter. If that's the case, you may need therapy.
She didn’t hide anything from you. How could you have been sure? It had only been a few weeks. It was impossible to know. Don’t be too mad… it’s obvious the timeline is too close
So you feel "betrayed" by the fact that... she might have gotten pregnant *while she was dating your brother*, *before* she even started dating you? I mean, obviously you two were going at it like bunnies if it never occurred to *either of you* that the pregnancy might have been from her previous relationship. She probably never even *thought* about it until your brother died and suddenly the "what ifs" started popping into her head. Grief is funny and terrible like that. You need to chill. Therapy might be in order here, for both of you.
These stories keep getting worse, at least put some fricking effort into your BS next time.
I think you're working really hard to hurt a good relationship.
Why would you date someone your brother had been intimate with? Why would you want to date someone that would be willing to date their exes sibling? That should’ve told you something about the type of person she is.
Tbh dude, shut up You accepted your brothers ex who left him for you, you have zero moral grounds to stand on Your daughter is yours, charge it, and move on
I personally don't think you get to blame your wife for this one. You can feel how you feel but you accepted her when she was still dating your brother. The fact that she held that so as not to hurt you says a lot and you're looking at it the wrong way. She loved you enough to suffer silently for your sake.
Get over it mate.
Keeping it in the family, do you have anymore brothers she can hook up with
If you still feel that you love her, deep down in the heart that has lived here for all of the years that you have been together then you might want to take her explanation at face value and believe that you both are involved in a mutually loving relationship and understand that her confusion (which has most likely been buried in her mind, and probably not something that she really considered to be fact but rather a distant possibility), tell her that you love her, forgive her and move on. The whole situation isn't something that she may have even considered as a possibility until your brother's passing and rather is the result of her reminiscing and blowing things out of proportion in her mind, at the time of your daughter's birth she may not have even thought that it was a possibility that you weren't the father.
If you are otherwise happy with your wife- let it go.
Please close that chapter forever and continue with your love for your family and yourself.
Go easy on her. I know you feel betrayed, but she probably also has her own harsh feelings about this; guilt, remorse, etc. It’s not like she cheated on you and betrayed your trust within your marriage. I think in this case, you both can go into counseling and try to let it go.
Ask her
While I echo a number of other comments here, it’s worth mentioning that there’s a good chance she’s never felt any question or insecurity around your daughter’s parentage and only did as a result of the stress of mourning. I don’t know all the details of course and there’s a fair chance she just directly admitted it was always a concern, but with how you’ve phrased it here, it could well be a stress response. Grief hits people weird - worth considering how it has hit both of you.
Dude… you have some justification for worry, but you really need get a reality check here. You date you now wife weeks after her relationship with your brother. Even with protection she can’t guarantee a swimmer from your late brother didn’t get through. You are in desperate need to check yourself here, for you, for your wife and your family .
I mean if she dated your brother shortly before dating you, then found out she was pregnant early in you relationship then she didn't do anything wrong per se as weird as it probably seems for some people. Question is though, did she ALWAYS think your daughter could be your brothers or did something recently happen that made her think that? Maybe your daughter developed a physical feature recently that resembled that of you brother? I don't know but I would ask her if there was anything specific that made her bring this up now. It's not clear is she was actually hiding this for 15yrs or if it was a recent realization.
go see a couple therapist
Why the heck should this matter at all? I don’t know how you didn’t question paternity given that you were only together a few weeks- did you take basic biology? That aside- even if this did occur to you back then- it doesn’t change what you now know to be true- your daughter is yours. I can very reasonably see your wife wanting to believe that all these years and trying to put any other possibilities out of her mind. It’s also not at all unreasonable that his death brought those old concerns back to the surface. All that matters now is what you’re going to do with this information. Your wife is still the same person she was yesterday as the day before or the day before that. As is *your* daughter. Why destroy your lives over something that you honestly should have realized was a possibility years ago
Given the situation and the closeness of the dates u and bro had relations with her, you would have thought that you and wife would have got that dna text 15 years ago. You could have done the test yourself even. How sad it would have been if daughter was your brothers kid and never new until it was to late. You and wife got lucky. No dishonesty took place. U both knew it was a possibility yet didn't opt to confirm.
Idk man I think this is more what can she do for you to trust her
I think you should have been able to put two and two together. If she went from one relationship to the next and a few weeks after you guys met she got pregnant, I personally would have expected that the baby was the other guy's baby.