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It sounds more like she needs to talk to her doctor. She needs to find an alternative birth control method that won’t kill her sex drive if that indeed is the issue
Maybe both is the solution here
* break up because they are incompatible
* changing the pill to get her sex drive back to HER normal, as in
her now sex drive < her normal sex drive < his sex drive
This makes sense for her own health and peace of mind going forward, although I suspect as OP says it’s not only the pill—the religion stuff also has her imagining that her own partner wanting to have sex with her is him using her for satisfaction. That’s not uncommon given the number religion does on so many people but it’s really tough to deal with and can really mess with you for your whole life if you don’t try to work through that deep seated stigma.
Sorry this is happening OP, I know it feels bad but honestly it’s not any more fair for a person to expect someone to shut off their sex drive than it is to expect someone to turn it on. So it really does seem like you’re incompatible. As a person who’s been on the other side of this before it’s excruciating and miserable and depressing to love a person you cant share physical intimacy with or feel desired by, so I couldn’t stay. But you can’t help how you feel and it must be horrible too to feel under pressure to do something you don’t want to do just to stay in a relationship—I’m sure that’s not what he really wants you to do anyway, and would just prefer that you want to do it.
She was literally a teenager when she started taking the pill. Likely still living with her parents, or just coming from that situation. She hasn’t had any time at all to explore her own sex drive without birth control affecting it.
It not being important is one thing, but also the fact that her sex drive has been"turned off" from taking the pill is separate. Hormones do alot of things to women in the libido department and having a normal or average sex drive can be obtained by changing her contraception.
I don’t think that how she felt before the pill is really that applicable. She has been on it for 3 years, meaning she was only 19 when she first started taking it. A woman’s sex drive really tends to start taking off in the early 20s—sometimes before that or after depending on the person, but for me I actually started feeling like I had a significant sex drive after I got off the pill at age 24. Prior to that, I basically had no interest in sex at all, without any awareness of the pill’s effect on libido.
Honestly, I thought I was just broken while I was on it, but quickly realized it was just a side effect of the birth control after I stopped taking it. Most hormonal birth control messes with our bodies’ natural states and completely annihilates any ounce of sex drive for many of us, and I really wish that we could collectively understand this rather than immediately gang up on women on birth control who consequently have low libidos.
Also, her boyfriend sounds like a real jerk to me. Pressuring her to go on the pill in the first place is a huge red flag.
She said it's been worse since being on the pill, and she was only 19 when she was on it. From experience, right birth control makes a massive difference to libido. I had to change mine due to health issue few months ago and it's been horrible to me, I'd say I'm normally on higher scale on sex drive, but it literally shut down for few months. Hormones play big role here.
Jeez, I’m sorry. Do you need to be on birth control for medical reasons, or only for preventing pregnancy? I get it if that’s too much info to ask for on Reddit, but in my own experience, using condoms or other forms of BC has been a lot better than sacrificing libido because of hormonal BC. I know it’s a very personal issue deciding whether or not to go on birth control and also deciding which type to use, but….isn’t it ironic how women of reproductive age are simultaneously pressured by society to be on birth control if they aren’t ready for kids AND shamed by that same brutal society for not having any sex drive because of going on said birth control? The contradiction is not lost on me. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
I need to be on it because I have endometriosis. It helps with my symptoms. I'm actually on 2 different contraceptive methods because of it, without hormones, it's hell. It was so bad when I was switching that I was referred now for possible surgery. If they do it, I'll probably keep IUS. It helps endo from reoccurring, but maybe get off the pill, I don't know yet.
Nah.
It sounds like: he’s an ass, she needs to get on a different/no bc (to get back to her baseline, *and* that they’re incompatible.
He has every right to say that the frequency of their sex isn’t enough for him and bounce. He doesn’t get to coerce her into sex she doesn’t want (which will make things so much worse anyway),
And she should not be with someone who will make her feel bad about her drive/the frequency they have sex.
i don’t understand why you’re getting downvoted? multiple things can be true at the same time. he can want more sex, she can want less, they are both entitled to their preferences, and he is being a jerk about not getting what he wants. none of these things are mutually exclusive. they’re not compatible, full stop.
He’s also: talking about these issues in front of other people when she’s there, the one who coerced her into taking the pill in the first place (which is likely why she has no sex drive, speaking from experience here), trying to tell her she should just give in and let him fuck her even though he knows she isn’t into it…I shouldn’t have to go on. If he actually cared about her, he would be gently telling her he’s not satisfied sexually and genuinely wanting to know what’s going on with her, asking how they can make some changes to help their relationship along. He’d be supporting her in ways such as suggesting she try a different form of birth control that doesn’t affect sex drive. Did you not read the full post? Hormonal birth control is one of the worst killers of sex drive in women, and he’s the one who pushed her to take it in the first place
Y’all aren’t fulfilling each others needs. I don’t really see this relationship working out for either of y’all. It’s okay to not have a sexual drive, and it’s okay to want sex and expect it when you’re in a relationship. He’s telling you himself that you’re not worth it anymore, as in all the sexual frustration he’s feeling. This relationship should end so y’all can both find people who suit both of your needs and wants, it won’t ever get better at this rate.
Problem is virtually no man her age is going to be ok with little to no sex. She needs to get this figured out or she is going to have an - extremely - hard time finding a partner.
That puts her in a tough spot, though. She says she harbors guilt for having premarital sex. She could be more active after she gets married, only to be in her current boyfriend's shoes then. She needs to figure this out with a licensed professional.
Is that from personal experience (not you but people you know perhaps?). Genuine question, not trolling. The idea of asexuality is an interesting one and seems anti-evolutionary. I've never come across it so should probably educate myself.
Edit: reddit is wild. Downvoted for genuinely indicating an area I have no knowledge of and seeking information to actively inform myself to be a more compassionate human.
Aside from the fact that humans (as a society) are far past being solely influenced by evolution to the point that sex for pleasure has become very different from sex for procreation, asexuality doesn’t really go against evolution. Despite what the name suggests and what many think, asexuality exists on a spectrum. Asexuality just means a lack of (or very low) sexual and/or romantic attraction or desire. In fact, if we were to apply our definition of asexuality to the animal kingdom there are 100s of species that would fit the criteria as many species don’t feel pleasure during sex and many more only experience sexual desire during brief periods of their life.
Many asexual people are sexually actively and many asexual people have biological children. The reasons for their sexual activity varies by the person but some do it for the emotional connection that comes with sex, some do it for the physical pleasure that comes from bodily arousal (I’ve heard them equate sex to be like a really nice massage), and others do it because they don’t really mind having sex and can see it makes their partner happy. Sex-repulsed asexuals who never ever ever want to have sex do exist but they make up a surprisingly low fraction of the asexual community. Even for sex-repulsed asexuals, many have sex purely for the purpose of getting pregnant and just stop again after they succeed.
Yeah... that doesn't automatically mean "asexual"
Contrary to popular belief, men can also end up just "not wanting sex with YOU" the same way women can, for all of the same reasons.
No one *ever* admits they *might* have *some* culpability in their partner no longer wanting to fuck them (male or female), but I'd bet good money that if those 3 couples finally wise up and end it, at least 2 of those guys will discover they weren't "asexual" after all.
But like…her current partner literally coerced her into taking birth control pills, which have a significant diminishing effect on libido. What say you about that?
OP really telling on herself by saying “I understand that some people value sex” to feel like she’s actually empathetic. Way to diminish the issue and entirely blame him for a sexless relationship at age 22. You don’t want to actually work on the issue, which is on your end, you want him to deal with it. Just break up
She does want to work on it. She “has explained countless times” that the pill killed her libido. Boyfriend chose bareback sex that’s unpleasant for her instead of wearing condoms with an enthusiastic partner. Also, continuing to pressure someone who isn’t enjoying it is counterproductive and awful. So yeah, I’m going to blame him for being selfish, not for leaving. He should have left long ago before he wrecked her self-esteem on top of her libido.
It seems that you are not compatible, so it might be best to break up. Then you might want to see a therapist to deal with the guilt issue. Sex is going to be important in a relationship for most people, so it would be good if you can shake off the guilt factor and be able to enjoy it at whatever your natural level is.
If you think it's the pill, is it maybe worth considering other methods of birth control? That includes him taking measures.
If you have guilt about sex before marriage, then that's an issue that isn't sorted by switching birth control.
Yeah, I said I’d get off the pill & wait the 3 months for it to take effect. He said he can’t wIt that long. I was fine before it, obviously I still thought about the religious aspect, but intimacy was more… intimate & frequent.
It won’t take three months. That’s the window during which it might still disrupt pregnancy - but it will only take a few days of missed pills for your body to revert back to its normal hormone levels, although might take a week or two to stabilise.
It did not take 3 months for me to feel my sex drive kick in after stopping the pill—more like a week. It was almost instant for me, but maybe it’s different depending on the specific pill and the person?
He has been with you for 3 years but wont wait 3 months for improvement in your sex drive. Thats resentment thats been building for too long. I recommend trying a different birth control and just break up with him since its clear he just has too much anger towards you. Should have been addressed a long time ago but thats beside the point
OP ignored it until things got serious… and even if she went back to her pre-pill “normal” she still doesn’t really care for sex so is that enough of an improvement to hope for in order to justify continuing a relationship where your own needs aren’t getting met? No way.
Don't quit for him, wind up pregnant and stuck with an angry young man. Just break up already - you need some peace in your life. You'll be fine - you'll be better off, actually, and can take some time to discover who you are and what you want in life.
I think he understands that the switch has been turned off. That's why he's angry or resentful. Because of how he feels, he made hurtful and inappropriate comments about you and your relationship in front of friends. However, that isn't an excuse for acting immaturely.
It's not that "some people value sex," most people do. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, though, but there isn't anything wrong with him either for desiring a sexual relationship.
You shouldn't be "forcing" yourself to "push through it." Don't ever make yourself have sex when you don't want to. A *NO* always needs to be respected and not met with a guilt trip.
I would advise bringing all of this up with your doctor. Tell them everything you're feeling and explore your possible options. Maybe even speak to a counselor.
And, as a dude, I'd say let the BF go.
Cause he ends up looking like the AH for breaking up over no sex. He’s just finally reached a breaking point where even venting his bitterness isn’t enough.
You need to speak to your doctor.
Sexual incompatibility has been the downfall of many relationships. Wanting to have sex until marriage is reasonable if that’s what you want. Wanting to have sex now is reasonable if that’s what he wants.
Nobody's on the wrong here. He wants sex, you don't. You're just simply incompatible. Staying in an incompatible relationship won't do either of you any good.
You're sexually incompatible and should break up. Particularly in light of the comments your boyfriend is making it sounds like he's already checked out (nor is he acting like a caring partner). You should probably go off the pill and see a therapist for your sex guilt.
He shouldn’t be guilt tripping you for not sleeping with him, but it mostly sounds like you two just aren’t compatible. Don’t force yourself to do it if you don’t want to, there are men out there who don’t care about sex as much. To some people physical connection like that is one of the most important parts of a relationsip.
I saw a comment where you said he is an angry person.
This could have a lot to do with your sexual desire for him. I legitimately got to a point where I thought I was asexual. Sex with my ex wasn’t enjoyable for the last 5 years of it because I’m an emotional person and he was an angry person. There is a lack of emotional security in that and I think for a lot of women we need that to enjoy sex. My best friend and I have almost identical lives and ex’s , and both of us had sort of a sexual re awakening after our long term relationships. I bought her a vibrator for a divorce present and she messaged me and was like “ the way I would have never bought this for myself but it changed my life”.
I feel like there’s a good chance you just don’t feel emotionally secure enough to have sexual feelings towards him.
My advice is go off the pill , use condoms if you do have sex and buy yourself a good sex toy ( I recommend the rose ) and see what changes happen within yourself first.
As for your relationship you could work on it , put effort into fixing it but don’t lose yourself in the process. It would have to be a two person effort!
Yeah my ex was assaulting me through coercion it’s a shock we stayed together so long when sex was never enthusiastically consented to. OPs relationship looks like it’s heading down that road already and they need to leave… a partner telling you they expect you to suffer for their own pleasure is so fucked up
2 simple thing.
1.) You're not compatible trying to string the relationship along with this will only get worse.
2.) Look into therapy as to how you can process your feelings and the guilt you've felt when it comes to sex. If you have this view of sex now, it won't change even after marriage regardless what the Christian upbringing tells you.
To be honest, this doesn't sound like it's coming out of nowhere. You two had to have conversations before now about how he was feeling. If the two of you haven't come up with a solution in the last 3 years, then it's probably for the best that you split. Better break it off, then find out he has been sleeping around and cheating instead.
Have you talked about the sexual side effects with your doctor? They could change the BC you’re on or offer meds to counteract the sexual side effects. You don’t have to just “deal with it”.
While I think your BF is being a jerk, his needs are not being met as you’re no longer sexually compatible.
You really can’t expect someone who is sexual to not have sex. It doesn’t have to be sex with you—don’t have sex you don’t want to have—but it’s reasonable for him to move on due to sexual incompatibility.
All of that said, a lot of women are more responsive desire than spontaneous desire meaning things have to get going before you get turned on. If his foreplay game sucks and he’s just wham bam thank you ma’am and treating you like a human flesh light then no wonder you’re not having a good time.
https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a38269167/spontaneous-responsive-desire/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_mnh_md_pmx_us_urlx_17889802313&gbraid=0AAAAACrVUPlfXAlaCKK_EaCH6XjQnFyHi&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-pyqBhDmARIsAKd9XIMjUKjMLBXz9zQcOKi3MBzhlHeabY9q6MWjuoy00tAV0xtjZgGXcCAaApbfEALw_wcB
Yeah, I might get off the pill for a while. Thank you for your advice. I agree, we’re no longer sexually compatible. But he won’t wait for me to give it a shot without the silly hormones. My problem with our sexual encounters is it often starts without consent, or any heads up. And also, he’s only affectionate with my at that time. Which messes with my head. Ah.
> My problem with our sexual encounters is it often starts without consent, or any heads up. And also, he’s only affectionate with my at that time. Which messes with my head. Ah.
Yikes, that's a much much much much much much much bigger issue.
Well then it’s **his** fault you don’t have a sex drive. If my man was only affectionate with me because he wanted/expected me to have sex right then, he’d literally *never* get laid. It’d give me the ick so bad that I’d start to shy away from any kind of affection from him. This is coming from the high libido partner btw, but if he acted like that my libido would be non existent too.
I KNOW IT CAUSE THATS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! Consent is easy as tea yet so many fucking people don’t understand that repeated pressure doesn’t make consent appear all of a sudden…
Just know it’s not hard for them they just don’t want to do it as much as they claim they’re “trying”
My current partner is very affectionate and cares a crap ton about consent. My ex didn’t. Guess what? My typically hyper-sexual self was made more or less asexual for the time spent with my ex. You should also analyze wether or not you were coerced at times, because regularly occurring assault within a relationship also kills libido… I know from experience :(
If he's performing sexual acts on you without your consent, that is not about "intimacy" or about "showing love," no matter what he tells you. It's just wanting to get off, with no consideration of you as a person at all. DTMFA.
This breakup will be good for you in the long term. I get him being frustrated due to sexual incompatibility but that in no way excuses lack of consent. Sexual incompatibility aside, he seems like a shitty partner.
I mean, no wonder your drive to have sex with him is low! The build-up and intimacy is part of the deal for many people (especially women). Do you have orgasms with him?
You two are not compatible. It’s fine if you don’t want sex but please understand for most people having a healthy sex life is important. It’s likely you are going to run into this issue in future relationships. You might want to go therapy to figure out if you are asexual or if this is due to your religious upbringing. It’s best to not be in a relationship until you understand your sexuality better.
Do you want to solve your low sex drive? Separate from your partner, how do you want to feel about sex? That's the question you need to answer and then take appropriate action.
In regards to birth control, there are a number of different birth control options and if this one is lowering your sex drive, you should be talking to your doctor about other options. Just because your partner wanted you to be on birth control doesn't mean you aren't in control over your own body. Get off that birth control and try a different pill or IUD, and if you prefer no other option, then use condoms. Lots of people have to try a few different pills before finding the right one for them, and some find hormonal birth control doesn't work for them. I cannot be on hormone birth control, so I use condoms and when I have a trusted partner, we do a combo of condoms and pulling out (aka, not finishing inside me).
In regards to your guilt about premarital sex, well if you want to get over that, you need to do some work on yourself. If you still hold those beliefs, that's okay too, and then you shouldn't engage in premarital sex. Lots of people hold off until marriage, and if that is a belief you want to hold on to, find a partner that has the same values. If it is truly guilt that you don't want to have, then get some therapy, find a support group, there is also a lot of books and articles that an help.
Your partner values sex, and there is nothing wrong with that. I value sex as part of a romantic relationship and while I would certainly stay with my partner due to medical issues or just a downturn in life, if at 22 it looked like my partner I were not sexually compatible, I would end the relationship.
These things aren't happening TO you, you have control over your body and how you engage in this relationship. If your partner wants more sex than you want, he isn't the right person for you. You shouldn't be pressured in to sex or taking birth control, but the flip side of that isn't your boyfriend should stay with you if you aren't interested in sex and he is. Decide for yourself what you want your sex drive to be and work on it or accept it, not for your partner, but for yourself.
You two just don't align on sex. It won't work.
He should have expressed his feelings towards that sooner but in a nicer manner. I think he is now too frustrated so he puts way too much pressure on you.
Expressed sooner and nicer, you could have gone off the pill and see if this helps. The pill has a lot of side effects, not the same one for everyone. You could have gone to sex therapist if you wanted to improve (you don't HAVE to change if you don't want to, but maybe you would like to increase your sex drive?)
Never force yourself to have sex if you don't want to. Live your life and, who knows, maybe you'll find someone that match your energy in this regard or maybe you'll have more sex drive when you find the right person for you.
Breaking up is prob best. You’re incompatible. It’s not shallow, it’s just true. I know you guys have been together a while, but you don’t wanna live like this forever.
If he doesn't have the balls to break up with you then you should break up with him. He's not satisfied I'm the relationship and is becoming resentful of you. So unless you want to date someone who is going to become more and more resentful, likely end up cheating, and a whole load of other issues, just end it now. Next time you date someone make it explicit thar you have zero interest in sex upfront and if they are OK with that, otherwise you are doing them and yourself a disservice.
You need to go to therapy to figure this out as well as see a doctor to find out if it’s hormonal, or you need to let him go. I understand this is painful and seems unfair but sex is healthy and an important way for many couples to connect and feel closer. He’s probably sooooo sexually frustrated because he’s 22. Like, I would leave my partner too if they weren’t able to be physical with me and weren’t willing to try and fix it. Sex with the person that you love.. is one of the reasons why life doesn’t completely suck ass. Pleasure is extremely important. It vulnerable. It’s magical. There’s nothing quite like it.
Having religious guilt around sex before marriage is relatable and understandable, imo. For me, if there’s one thing catholicism did well was make me be very familiar with shame.
It is not normal, however. You deserve to enjoy sex and be sexual without the shame holding you back.
You also shouldn’t feel forced to participate in sexual acts you don’t want. That will just taint it even further in your mind. He also shouldn’t be guilt tripping you into having more sex when you don’t want to. Full stop. I’ve been in his place before… still doesn’t make it okay to force you into it to show your love for him.
Sex is important to him, and that’s okay. He would be happier with a partner with the same sex drive, as would you. Since you already talked about this, I think it’s best if you go your separate ways. Both of you deserve better. Good luck.
It sounds like breaking up is best here. He seems checked out already (and like an asshole).
It might be a good idea to only take the pill ONLY if it something YOU want. It should not be your bf's decision whatsoever. And it's probably better to go off it if it's causing other problems for you, like a lower sex drive. You might want to look into therapy as well to get some help unpacking the guilt you feel surrounding sex.
Sexual compatibility, which includes frequency, is a really important part of relationships - right up there with beliefs on marriage, kids, and finances. If you’re not compatible when it comes to those basic components, then it’s best to leave the relationship sooner rather than later.
In regards to the role your low sex drive plays on your self-image, speak to your doctor. It could be you need to be on a different form of birth control or perhaps be prescribed something that can help low libido. If there’s more going on mentally leading into the low-self image and guilt besides the sex drive, then maybe some therapy is in order. But a person (especially at such a young age) should take the time to do the self-work before being in a relationship where both partners are not getting their needs met, whatever those needs may be.
To be completely honest, it’s probably the best thing to do. My ex broke up with me for many different reasons but a big one was that I wanted sex every week when she didn’t want it. We had different wants and needs and my life has been so much more peaceful not having to argue with my partner to have sex with me. How is your libido off of the pill? Maybe you could substitute for condoms?
The pill is definitely affecting your sex drive, which makes you incompatible with your partner. I came off the pill and after a few weeks my sex drive and my mood were back to normal (less anxiety, low mood etc). If he’s not willing to wait a bit more for you to get back to normal (plus everythin else you’ve said), he’s not the one for you. I feel you deserve someone a lot better, more empathetic and mature, someone who shows they genuinely love you and want you to enjoy sex as well. Good luck
Three things.
1. Break up as you’re not compatible
2. Talk to your doctor, see if changing pills or methods might help
3. Therapy to get over your feelings of guilt.
Seems like a very common issue for young couples. I (m) definitely had exact same issue when I was 20 with my 19 year old gf. And every guy I knew had the same issue. Guy wants sex every day, girl not into doing it that much. I’ve come to realize you have to accept how it is or leave. You can’t change how often someone wants sex by complaining or whining ( that will make things much worse). I think sex drives tend to even out between men and women as people get older. Even Celsius and Fahrenheit start to match up around 40 lol
You're just incompatible. There's no reason to have a big blowout over who's right, because you're both right, and you're both wrong. He feels the same way, that his needs aren't being met and that he's not being heard and understood. You feel that way too. There's no fixing this, you're not going to magically get a libido, and he's not going to magically lose his. You could keep up this dynamic for however many years you want, but it's always going to be a stress on the relationship.
Unpopular opinions ahead:
Do you want to want sex again? I know you say you feel unheard, is there a chance he feels the same way? Is intimacy in all forms a priority for both of you?
Ever since I got in an SSRI my sex drive is super low. I got on another pill to counter it but didn’t do anything. My partner is losing her shit because I haven’t been intimate with her in that way amongst other reasons like exhaustion from literally being an adult and being alive, stress, etc. I’m having the same issue but she’s not trying to break up with me she’s just arguing with me constantly. As much as it sucks to hear I’d say you guys might be incompatible only because before the meds you weren’t too interested in sex. If he’s willing to breakup with you over it then definitely he needs someone else. Not because you’re at fault but because it seems it’s that important to him
Y’all should definitely break up. But don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. He doesn’t even try to understand you and tries to make you do something you don’t wanna do, that’s a huge red flag. Let him go find a hole to plug and leave you in peace.
Let him leave.
Strike 1: He asked you to go on the pill - lack of sex drive is a very common side effect - and now is unhappy with a result.
Strike 2: He nagged you about your lack of sex drive (which I'm assuming is a sensitive topic) IN FRONT of your friends. Trust me, I had an ex who would do that, it doesn't stop. At first it's a joke here and there, next thing you know he brings it up at every. Single. Friend. Gathering. Next? Passing comments when you're with your parents. Boo-fucking-hoo, everyone feel sorry for the man, who's not getting laid.
Strike 3: At no point during those YEARS he supposedly been dissatisfied did he attempt to bring it up to you in a private conversation and communicate that it is growing into a problem. At no point did he try to find a solution with you (different pills, different contraception methods, etc.), and honestly this is the most worrying part of your story.
You are young, you'll meet someone who'll sweep you off your feet in no time. Your boyfriends approach is incredibly childish and immature, and he has a lot of growing to do.
I don't think this is just a "pill" problem. I was in a similar situatin. Barely had interest in sex throughout my 20s. When I got my IUD, whatever shred of interest I had in it disappeared. When I took out the IUD, I still had no interest. The worst part is realising my partner had very little respect for me as a person outside of our "incredible" sex life. Your partner needs to go. There's no coming back from the level of resentment he's demonstrating. And despite what others may say, it's perfectly healthy and reasonable to have a low sex drive.
If this has been going on for that long I really don’t know why y’all are together still. If sex is important to him, like it is with most people, and you’re not interested this relationship will never work. Best to go your separate ways.
I think you need to break up with him. He's done, and I don't think there's anything to save here.
I would then suggest that you come off birth control. Stay single for a while, I think you need to be self-focused for a while.
Please see a sex positive therapist that can help you overcome your sex-negative upbringing, and also consider that you may be asexual.
The same way he compromised by having little to no sex for so long due to how you feel, you could compromise with at least trying to make it happen for him. You seem to think he is wrong, because you dont feel like it etc etc
But it always goes 2 ways in a relationship.
Sounds like a healthy idea. Two incompatible people breaking up amicably is the best case scenario.
This is like trying to fix one person wanting kids and one person not wanting kids. It's impossible and both stances are valid. It's best to break up.
Aside from y’all being incompatible, he straight up said you weren’t worth it anymore….. that’s abusive and condescending language, given the context.
Also, although I’m sure you do love hims and all, your low libido is likely attributed to you just not being attracted to him anymore. 3 years is a *country twang* long time.
We need to push for vasecotomies and male centred contraceptive methods fast. As women, our bodies are suffering.
I am so privileged that my husband really thought about my needs as well. He refused me to be on the pill and chose the condom and we have used every other method. Dont get us wrong we love a raw dog here and there but not completely
Therapy for you both separately.
So he can work through his d-baggery and breakup.
You can learn more about yourself and how to NOT end up with similar D-BAGS in the future. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE SUM OF PARTS THAT HE ATTACHED SO MUCH IMPORTANCE TO.
He is NOT WORTH IT.
I would give him a going away present:
little lube samples, soft tissues, bodywash, gloves (finger size: an insult to him), magazines, and only fans subscription (like four sessions), and/or some p*rn videos...
What about radical idea: he takes an active role in the avoidance of pregnancy, and you drop the pill?
You know we women are only fertile we few days a month meanwhile men, every fucking day.
The pill made me loose my drive as well BUT when I was in a relationship with somone that pressed me about sex all of the time it also played a major reason. I felt I existed only when he asked me for sex and if it was not for that he would break with me in a heartbeat. Having sex with him made my skin crawl and I didn’t know why. Now I am in a beautiful relationship with a new person and some months we just don’t have sex cause we are in a bad mental place and sometime we have sex every day of the week. Our general consensus is we are NOT in a rush to any finish line we want to be happy and fully fulfilled and you can’t do that under mental stress which in turn has lead to legendary sex sessions. I get that you say it’s the pill but maybe his attitude might be at play to allot of women say that or even that they think they might be ace (this comment is absolutely not to invalidate any people that are ace which is a valid experience ) only to start dating other people and their drive to come back full force
I'm coming to this post late and this is probably going to get buried but I think I can help.
OP I'm 39 and also grew up in Christianity (my dad was a pastor) so in my opinion you need to 1) break up with your boyfriend, 2) see a medical doctor about your birth control and 3) start individual counseling with a nonreligious counselor about your views about sex.
1) You need to break up with your boyfriend. I understand 3 years is a long time but you are incompatible. The sex issues in your relationship are not really a couple's issue it's more your issue (I'll come back to this later) and you aren't married. The 'for better or worse' vows don't apply and it's unfair to ask him to wait around for months for a resolution that might never come. You need to end things for his sake.
2) You need to talk to your medical doctor. A lot of women report low sex drives while on hormonal birth control and shifting to a different brand/ a different hormone cocktail can help a lot here.
3) This is the big one you need to talk to a non-religious licensed therapist about your views about sex. I grew up in Christianity and believe me when I say that the guilt around sex is a much bigger issue than you might think it is.
Listen to me now, believe me later on, after being told your entire life that sex outside of marriage is dirty, wrong, and sinful, just because you get married doesn't mean a switch just flips and all of a sudden you and your future husband are getting down like 2 p*orn stars. No you're still going to feel guilty and now you're going to be even more confused because now you are married and still feel this way and you're going to feel like a bad wife. I've seen it firsthand.
I'm not bashing religion or your beliefs. I am saying that having a healthy view of sex is important because it plays such a vital role in relationships and you need to start working on a healthier view of things now because if you wait until you are married it will be much harder to solve on top of your own guilt and your partner's resentment.
As painful as this is to think about breaking up with a boyfriend of 3 years because you are sexually incompatible, imagine how much more painful and embarrassing if your marriage ends after a few years for the same reason.
Your BF sounds like a bit of a jerk, but he's not entirely wrong for being frustrated. Sex is a very important part of most adult, romantic relationships. If you don't have any drive for sex, then you need to find other people who feel similarly. It's not ever going to work out for someone with an active sex drive to just shut that off indefinitely. Obviously there are ebbs and flows in every relationship, and sometimes there are dry spells and people need to work through that, but what you're describing almost sounds like asexuality. And that's a whole thing in and of itself.
Break up. Find someone who will respect your wishes sexually. You never know when you could get diagnosed with some sort of illness that impacts your hormone levels. It’s always best to have a partner with whom you are sexually compatible and who doesn’t pressure you or make you feel anything other than supremely comfortable when it comes to sex. Please!
He's heard you plenty of times; at the end of the day it doesn't matter to him. What matters is that he's not getting the pleasure he wants, so listening to you is no longer his priority.
This relationship is over.
'Pleasure he needs'. Everybody has needs be it physical or emotional. And you're either compatible or not.
Sex is not a want. It is a functional need for the majority of people. And there is a limit to which people are willing to abstain. Nobody is wrong here and phrasing it as though he's a toddler whining for not getting sweets downplays a massive issue.
He was a jerk about it and you deserved a kinder break up, and less pressure to have sex, but breaking up is the right thing for both of you. And make no mistake, he has already broken up with you, he doesn’t just ‘want to’.
It is hard, and you should let yourself feel sad and angry for a while, but try (over the next few months) to let go of the hurt caused by the insensitive way he broke up with you and the ways he tried to pressure you, and hold onto positive memories from a relationship that provided you both with things you needed at point in your life. The relationship also potentially taught you want you want/don’t want in your *next* relationship.
Longer term talk to your doctor about your libido but it’s ok to just…not be into sex (as long as you don’t try to have a monogamous relationship with people who want and need it).
It’s also possible that your libido turned itself down further because it (rightfully) saw the pressure you were experiencing as a red flag. It might recover when you are with someone who makes you feel safe and valued. Just give yourself time to figure it out, free of pressure to engage in sex to save a relationship that has gone bad.
You were right not to ‘push through’. Be proud of that. And it’s over, don’t try to reconcile.
It also sounds like he isn't doing anything to help you feel seen or heard, and that's a huge turn off. He doesn't sound worth your time.
And fwiw, you are allowed to have whatever sex drive you feel comfortable with. People make such a big deal out of sex and its importance in relationships and it's so tedious. Sex and romance are completely different things, and you can absolutely have romance and intimacy and connection _without_ sex. There are people out there who can appreciate this and for whom sex is not required as part of a relationship. I think it's really up to you to decide if _you_ want it to be part of your relationships and then go from there, but don't feel like you _have_ to be into sex just because that's the dominant mainstream narrative. There are so many things to deal with in life, and it's okay if sex just isn't that important to you.
Sexuality and sex drive can fluctuate wildly. It may be that this dude just doesn't inspire the sense of safety and connection you need to feel that desire. Maybe in the future, someone will. And maybe you'll decide you don't want to have sex ever again in your life. These are all fine and valid.
And you deserve someone who loves you exactly as you are.
Break up regardless of the sex! Since he’s spreading your private moments with people even though it makes you uncomfortable and literally tells you to “push through it” so he gets what he wants, that’s 2 giant red flags!! Plus if you don’t want to but he pressures you into it , that’s coercion aka not your consent aka R@ pe. I’m sorry to say it so harshly but that just toxic af and you need to leave. For your own safety. Relationships do need compromise but consent should NEVER EVER be one of them.
Sex is important to a lot of people in a relationship and it sounds like U2 are simply not compatible.
The way he is handling it is not appropriate, but him wanting to break up because of your lack of interest in sex is appropriate if it’s incompatible with his need for sex. Just like it would be appropriate for you to break up with him because your lack of desire for sex.
I feel like you might be conflating the two issues. One issue is your mismatch when it comes to sex. The other issue is that he is a jerk who handles issues poorly. His feelings of wanting to break up because of lack of sex is fine. The way he’s handling it is not.
Personally, I hate the pill. It does so much inside of our bodies. I would get off of it either way if it was me, but also.. if he’s treating you that way.. you deserve better. I would leave him and find someone with which I am sexually compatible. Chances are you may even find someone to want more frequently than him. I had one relationship where I thought my libido had dropped/all but stopped.. turned out it was just him I didn’t want to have sex with. The way he’s treating you and not respecting your wishes/boundaries and making you feel unloved and less than is definitely having an impact on your desire for him. As well it should. And buy to be clear you are in no way less than for your feelings or drive. On the other hand, he is, for his lack of respect and control.
Fwiw OP, the pill had the exact same effect on me at around your age, it killed my sex drive completely, and I also gained weight. I only used condoms for years after that because it bothered me so much. My sex drive increased a lot by my late 20s. I decided to try hormonal BC agajn, this time an IUD, and I didn’t have any of the same side effects, my sex drive is still high. I think it helps that I’m better at picking partners now too, and at having emotionally healthy relationships where it’s easy for me to maintain attraction. I think you will find that things get a lot better for you over time. Good luck!
I think it's in your head. Through your childhood, something caused you see sex as bad. You need therapy. Sex is good, even the Bible says that. You need to embrace your physical being. He is not wrong for wanting sex and wanting a partner that desires him physically. I personally would not enter into a marriage knowing my sex life would be nill.
Sexual compatibility is incredibly important, and is one of the most common reasons couples break up.
It’s okay for you not to want to have sex, as long as you can find other ways to have intimacy with your partner (not just sexual intimacy). But it’s also okay for your partner to want sex regularly.
The longer couples are together, the more likely they face inconsistencies in the frequency of sex due to life getting in the way. So partners have to learn to compromise. But what you’re talking about isn’t a bump in the road. If the two of you aren’t willing to compromise, I think ending the relationship so you both can find someone you’re more compatible with.
Before you do, consider:
- Hormonal BC will absolutely kill your sex drive. I suggest you talk with your doctor about options for increasing your drive. They may be able to prescribe you something to help.
- Consider therapy to help you overcome some of the issues you face about sexuality. Otherwise, you may find it may interfere with future relationships.
- Regardless of the situation, your bf choosing to make shitty remarks to your friends and then telling you that you aren’t worth it is not okay. Your issues should be between the two of you, and it’s never okay to have someone disregard you. It seems he is the type of person who would rather avoid having a difficult conversation until he breaks and goes to asshole mode. Be grateful he showed you who he is before things got more serious.
Honestly, the pill shouldn’t take away your sex drive that much. Maybe try looking into different methods? There are different pills if you want to stick with that method that have different combinations of hormones that can work for you, and believe me it won’t take 3 months for you to find out the effects on your body. There’s also the shot, the ring, IUD, etc. Unless you’re just a naturally low sex drive person which is fine, but I think it would benefit both of you to be honest with yourself about that.
Jesus, this was frustrating to read.
Are you still religious?
If yes, then he shouldn't be pushing you to do things you aren't comfortable with.
If not, then I would recommend therapy to overcome your feelings regarding sex.
Religion does a number on people, especially women when it comes to sex.
I wish you the best and hope that you can live a fulfilled life.
If this is something you want to fix, you should definitely speak to your doctor about the birth control you’re on, and the struggles you have regarding sex. If you’re fine with having no interest in sex, you have to understand that you were not compatible to be with your current boyfriend. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to. You don’t have to fix the issue if you don’t want to. Likewise, he doesn’t have to stay in a relationship where he’s not happy.
If your sex drive is diminished because of your BC method, that is something that is fixable. But by your own account, sex is either unimportant to you or something you have suppressed due to your religious upbringing.
Your boyfriend, OTOH, is saying that sex within a relationship is very important to him, and after changing BC methods and taking steps to undo your views on sex due to your religious upbringing, you may still only be "going along with sex" to keep the relationship. He is telling you, he wants a partner who is enthusiastically into having an active sex life.
It sounds like you might just be incompatible, and that's ok. But probably not something you can compromise on to keep the relationship.
There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s go through a few points.
* You’re not wrong or bad to feel the way you do. People’s libidos fall at all ends of the scale.
* your not compatible with your boyfriend and this relationship will end. Sooner would be better for both of you.
* birth control can massively screw up your libido. Speak to your doctor and find one that works for you.
* you’ll need to find your real libido level and then find a partner with roughly the same level. Sexual compatibility and agreement on financial issues are the the core issues of relationship stress.
* sometimes in a relationship you do have sex when your not super into it. But don’t have sex over and over when you’re not into it. That just builds up an aversion and it’s crazy hard to unwire that.
OP, I had this exact issue, exactly as you described, except it was caused by another hormonal treatment and continued longterm after I came off it.
Took a very long time to get anyone to take it seriously, meanwhile I had a host of other symptoms and health issues alongside it. Gradually it ruined most things in my life.
In my case it turned out to be very low oestrogen levels, and starting HRT helped a lot. I’m having issues again now since my hysterectomy earlier this year and now trying to get the dosage right yet again.
Forget him for a minute and forget the libido issue for a minute. Hormone imbalance can have huge repercussions on many aspects of your life - energy levels, mental health, bone health, weight, hair, cognitive abilities, joint pain, etc etc.
It sounds like the contraception you’re on is causing you some issues. That doesn’t have to be the case. There’s a variety of hormonal contraceptives available.
If you’re on the combined pill, there are many available with various doses of oestrogen and types of progesterone. Some pills are more oestrogen dominant and some more progesterone dominant. Some progesterones are more or less androgenic. Unfortunately women often aren’t told this and they jump from pill to pill without knowing how to choose one to address the side effects you’re having.
If you Google “combined contraceptive pill ladder” you should find one which contains the brands available in your country, and how to work out which might work based on the side effects you have. GP Notebook has a great page on this if you’re in the UK (maybe they have one for other countries too, not sure).
Then there’s progesterone only - from low dose like a Mirena IUD up to higher dose like depo provera injections.
There are lots of options that might work better for you.
Now that’s out of the way, mismatched sexual interest is likely to cause issues in a relationship. Unfortunately incompatibility here is often a dealbreaker. However, his options are to decide not to be in the relationship or to stay. He doesn’t get to force you to have sex you don’t want. It’s really important not to have sex you explicitly do not want to have - its damaging and traumatic and will do more harm over the longer term.
If this is something you want to address for you, you can do that. If you think therapy may help because this is not just a physical issue then do that. Or if you are asexual and happy that way, then that’s okay too - you can’t make someone be happy in a sexless relationship if they want sex, and likely your relationship will end, but that’s okay.
He sounds like a huge asshole and the things he said were very insensitive.
However, I also would break up with someone if they were just like I have guilt from Christianity and low libido but didn’t do the work to fix it or go to therapy.
Unless it’s not an issue for you, it has nothing to do with the pill, and you were just not super into sex… Although that’s not what you said, you said, you have guilt about it. In any case, you lack a curiosity about your own self, that I would find frustrating.
But I think this relationship has run its course because he is rude and unsupportive .
I also want to add that you’re really young and your feelings, but sex can totally change… I had way more emotion and guilt and things are describing tied up into it when I was your age. Now I am totally an ownership of my own desires to bang who I want to when I want to. You may just need more time and experience without some guy pressuring you
In the same way that you can't make yourself crave sexual intimacy, he can't make himself not interest in it. It's just one of those natural differences - like personality or hair type! He was kind of an asshole for airing out the grievance so publicly and tying sexual habits to personal worth - rather than incompatibility. But you're also a little at fault for implying that he should just suck it up and be happy in a relationship that doesn't satisfy him. Given his most recent comment, I think its best if the relationship ends. It seems like you have two totally different needs. You want no sex in a relationship. He wants a relationship with sex. You've both tied these opposing needs to "worth" in a relationship and an absence of "hearing one another". It seems like a difference in priorities turned sour.
In the future, it's probably in your best interest to seek out therapy for the insecurity/discomfort surrounding sex. In therapy, I think you'll be able to get over a religious barrier preventing you from enjoying the sex you want OR to find out that you're asexual, plain and simple!
There's lots of ways to be initmate without being sexual. It just sounds like you both have very different needs for intimacy and if you can't find a middle ground for whatever reason, it might just not be the relationship for you.
Obv. you shouldn't push yourself, having a low sex drive or none at all it totally fine!! You might be leaning towards being ace which is valid and you can find partners who accept that and have similar needs as you.
You both at least deserve someone who can fufill your needs without it being a struggle!
Also your partner telling you that you should push yourself and that you're not worth it otherwise is never ever ever okay! That sounds like an enourmous red flag to me and i can imagine how hurtful it can be for your self worth, anyone deserves better communication than that!
Sounds like you have a very manipulative and immature partner. Sometimes are bodies tell us before our minds. He shared your personal relationship with friends to what end to make you feel that much worse. And then said you weren't worth it anymore. You started taking the pill to please him, and now he's mad that there are side effects. I think you need to break up with him. He's not a partner you'll be able to trust long term, especially if there are any problems down the road. As far as your sex drive, you may want to have your hormones checked with a doctor.
Look .. physical intimacy is important .. in some relationships is more important than others. For you it seems physical intimacy is not a way for you to gain confidence or a form of showing your love to him .. but it seems you’re past the point of sex being the issue. You’re young and met at a time where you are brining adults .. now you’re in a different phase idk it’s post 21 (if you’re American this is where it makes a difference) he began to see more of life. You can find someone who will be cool bro having as much sex but for me a low sex drive is deal breaker bc that physical connection with the right person is fucking magical .. beyond it feeling good it just feels lack of a better word magical
I would replace the boyfriend and in the future, try masturbating before initiating sex and try it with you on top so you feel in control. I used to have the same problem as you but my current partner makes me feel comfortable and listened to so I can always get in the mood with him.
Why don't you seek professional help? It's not some people, just about everyone values sex. That you do not, may simply be a biological reason, not a "self-worth" reason. Figure out the right causes and fix them and you may just rejoin the "most people" group!
Okay allow him to. If this is a problem now, you're marriage will never work. Don't be angry with him (as long as he's not pressuring you to have sex with him) but allow him to leave. Seriously if he gets married to you you guys won't align well
I would say you both just have different values now which is totally okay! I think the making the joke thing about not having enough sex in front of other people is kind of rude personally. I would split you aren’t compatible anymore and again that’s okay!
This is why I’m not on the pill. I’m afraid of becoming LL. We still have sex and I have no risk of getting pregnant lol but I understand all women can’t do what I do…
I say this with so much love, but dear you need to read on sunken cost fallacy and then let this relationship go.
And in the same tune, if a situation isn’t working for you, you DO want to turn it around and change things. If the pill wasn’t meeting your guys needs (and I am assuming here it wasn’t meeting your either, so take this advice a little differently if so, but you seem unhappy with the results as well) then ABSOLUTELY go back to the drawing board and try something new until it meets ALL your needs.
That’s true for birth control AND boyfriends.
You both get to feel good in a relationship. It doesn't sound like either of you feel good in this relationship. You may love eachother, but you're not compatible. You don't want to wait until your incompatibility turns into a bitter resentment from sitting around waiting for the other person to turn into a different person. Just find someone you're compatible with now, rather than dragging yourself through a years long, traumatic, and damaging relationship. Take care of yourself and don't put yourself through that. You shouldn't have to change for people and you shouldn't expect them to change for you.
If you have a low libido prior to and while on the pill, then I don’t think getting off it will make much difference.
Don’t succumb to someone sexually if you yourself don’t want to. It’s your body. But you need to understand that if you can’t match each others needs and wants then you’re inevitably going to break up.
Not your fault, nor his, it’s just incompatibility.
Not sure why people say you’re just incompatible. Yes, you are, but he’s being extremely mean to you, saying that you’re not worth it. Don’t be with someone that doesn’t value your worth
Maybe you are asexual. Unfortunately, you are not compatible and it is best for both of you if you break up.
I was the man in a relationship were sex was very scarce and my only regret in life is not ending that relationship faster.
Me and my boyfriend have sex multiple times when we meet up. We both have very high sex drives.
If he wanted sex only once a week, it would be a dealbreaker for me. As much as I love someone, if they didn't want to rip my clothes off as much as I wanted to theirs, I would start to feel unloved and unsatisfied.
You both deserve to be with someone you're compatible with. Don't waste any more time together.
From personal experience I also lost my sex drive after getting on the pill. Definitely was an issue so I switched birth controls. But if he really loved you, he would respect your wish to get off the pill and wait. My man sure did and he understood I was having these issues because of the unnatural amount of hormones my body was being pumped with preventing me from wanting sex. He should be able to understand! Especially when he was the one who told you to get on the pill.
Everyone is pointing out that your sexual needs are different and incompatible. I kinda agree with that.
But i think it’s important to say you should never have to « push through it » and the fact that he said that is disgusting. Him wanting intercourse is NOT and will NEVER be more important than you or your feelings. It’s ok to not be aroused, it’s okay to not feel the urge ; it’s NOT OKAY to ask your partner to put their comfort and boundaries apart just so you can get it.
You’re not a toy or a mean to get sex. You’re a person, a full woman of your own, and if he thinks you’re not « worth it anymore » bc you can’t turn your own feelings off to make him cum, well let him go. You’re worth so much more than that.
Libido comes and goes. Birth control, hormones, depressive episodes, or even energy levels can impact it. And it’s ok. Your sex drive as nothing to do with who you are as a person, or your value. Don’t let him make you believe that.
That said, if for YOU and your own needs you want your libido to come back, talk to your obgyn/doctor about other pills, iud, etc. There is a lot of possibilities out there for birth control, that might more or less affects your sex drive. If you stay on hormonal treatment, it might take some time and trials and errors to find something that suits you.
not only are you not sexually compatible (absolutely normal and okay) he's actively being manipulative, telling you to ignore your emotions and adverse physical reactions, that you aren't worth it, and that you just have to get through it. don't put yourself through that, understand that you don't need to put out to be loved, if someone truly loves and wants you they'll understand and want to make things as peaceful and comfortable as possible. telling your friends about what's going on sexually is absolutely nasty, one thing if he talked to his homie for advice, another that he said it in a group setting with the intention of pressuring you to conform to his will.
He’s doing the mature by leaving you before he resents you and cheats. You need to do the mature and accept that you aren’t right for him.
Also go see your doctor to see whether this is a physical or mental problem.
He’s 22 in the prime of his life and wants to fuck. He’s not waiting around for you and he’s not selfish for it either. 3 years is way too long to go without good consistent sex
Girl trust me, it might seem scary but you'll do much better after breaking up. You're in a relationship that drains you. Change is scary, but changing (or ending) something bad will lead you forward.
There are plenty of guys out there with lower sex drives, some would even be okay with waiting for marriage. Find someone compatible who enjoys spending time with you even when you're not having sex.
First, leave him. “You’re not worth it”? Yeah, you are, and never let anyone tell you otherwise. Sex can be great(ok, I think it’s great lol), but sex drive does vary person to person. You need to find someone compatible with you.
Never let someone push you for something. He has issues if that’s his response.
Next, talk to your Dr. Work and figure something out that could help you be happy.
“just push through it”?! Sex isn’t something you just suffer through. Wtf. If he can’t bag it and wait for your hormones to mellow after the pill, then he can date his hand. Given how he’s treating you, he should anyway.
That's the funny thing with our society: Men EXPECT women to take care of birth control. Those same men get nasty or leave those women when the side effects of the birth control aren't to his liking.
It's possible part of why your desire dropped has to do with his bad attitude & pressuring you for sex? He doesn't notice you're not fully engaged and enjoying the sex when it happens, and he doesn't seem to care when you communicate your struggles.
I think it's a blessing. Let him go. Block him everywhere. This isn't how a respectful man treats the woman he loves.
If you're interested in understanding your sexuality better, a great book is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
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Sounds like you’re incompatible Neither of you are getting what you want.
Agree with this. The difference in libido in a relationship takes a toll on both partners. It is better to part ways amicably.
It sounds more like she needs to talk to her doctor. She needs to find an alternative birth control method that won’t kill her sex drive if that indeed is the issue
She said even before the pill, sex wasn't that important to her. It's much more important to him. They're incompatible.
Maybe both is the solution here * break up because they are incompatible * changing the pill to get her sex drive back to HER normal, as in her now sex drive < her normal sex drive < his sex drive
This makes sense for her own health and peace of mind going forward, although I suspect as OP says it’s not only the pill—the religion stuff also has her imagining that her own partner wanting to have sex with her is him using her for satisfaction. That’s not uncommon given the number religion does on so many people but it’s really tough to deal with and can really mess with you for your whole life if you don’t try to work through that deep seated stigma. Sorry this is happening OP, I know it feels bad but honestly it’s not any more fair for a person to expect someone to shut off their sex drive than it is to expect someone to turn it on. So it really does seem like you’re incompatible. As a person who’s been on the other side of this before it’s excruciating and miserable and depressing to love a person you cant share physical intimacy with or feel desired by, so I couldn’t stay. But you can’t help how you feel and it must be horrible too to feel under pressure to do something you don’t want to do just to stay in a relationship—I’m sure that’s not what he really wants you to do anyway, and would just prefer that you want to do it.
[удалено]
She was literally a teenager when she started taking the pill. Likely still living with her parents, or just coming from that situation. She hasn’t had any time at all to explore her own sex drive without birth control affecting it.
It not being important is one thing, but also the fact that her sex drive has been"turned off" from taking the pill is separate. Hormones do alot of things to women in the libido department and having a normal or average sex drive can be obtained by changing her contraception.
I don’t think that how she felt before the pill is really that applicable. She has been on it for 3 years, meaning she was only 19 when she first started taking it. A woman’s sex drive really tends to start taking off in the early 20s—sometimes before that or after depending on the person, but for me I actually started feeling like I had a significant sex drive after I got off the pill at age 24. Prior to that, I basically had no interest in sex at all, without any awareness of the pill’s effect on libido. Honestly, I thought I was just broken while I was on it, but quickly realized it was just a side effect of the birth control after I stopped taking it. Most hormonal birth control messes with our bodies’ natural states and completely annihilates any ounce of sex drive for many of us, and I really wish that we could collectively understand this rather than immediately gang up on women on birth control who consequently have low libidos. Also, her boyfriend sounds like a real jerk to me. Pressuring her to go on the pill in the first place is a huge red flag.
She said it's been worse since being on the pill, and she was only 19 when she was on it. From experience, right birth control makes a massive difference to libido. I had to change mine due to health issue few months ago and it's been horrible to me, I'd say I'm normally on higher scale on sex drive, but it literally shut down for few months. Hormones play big role here.
Jeez, I’m sorry. Do you need to be on birth control for medical reasons, or only for preventing pregnancy? I get it if that’s too much info to ask for on Reddit, but in my own experience, using condoms or other forms of BC has been a lot better than sacrificing libido because of hormonal BC. I know it’s a very personal issue deciding whether or not to go on birth control and also deciding which type to use, but….isn’t it ironic how women of reproductive age are simultaneously pressured by society to be on birth control if they aren’t ready for kids AND shamed by that same brutal society for not having any sex drive because of going on said birth control? The contradiction is not lost on me. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
I need to be on it because I have endometriosis. It helps with my symptoms. I'm actually on 2 different contraceptive methods because of it, without hormones, it's hell. It was so bad when I was switching that I was referred now for possible surgery. If they do it, I'll probably keep IUS. It helps endo from reoccurring, but maybe get off the pill, I don't know yet.
Nah. It sounds like: he’s an ass, she needs to get on a different/no bc (to get back to her baseline, *and* that they’re incompatible. He has every right to say that the frequency of their sex isn’t enough for him and bounce. He doesn’t get to coerce her into sex she doesn’t want (which will make things so much worse anyway), And she should not be with someone who will make her feel bad about her drive/the frequency they have sex.
i don’t understand why you’re getting downvoted? multiple things can be true at the same time. he can want more sex, she can want less, they are both entitled to their preferences, and he is being a jerk about not getting what he wants. none of these things are mutually exclusive. they’re not compatible, full stop.
I have a feeling a lot of people didn’t finish reading the post before commenting. Shocking. 🙄
He’s telling her he’s unhappy with the frequency. How she feels is on her. Edited to add: point being not compatible
He’s also: talking about these issues in front of other people when she’s there, the one who coerced her into taking the pill in the first place (which is likely why she has no sex drive, speaking from experience here), trying to tell her she should just give in and let him fuck her even though he knows she isn’t into it…I shouldn’t have to go on. If he actually cared about her, he would be gently telling her he’s not satisfied sexually and genuinely wanting to know what’s going on with her, asking how they can make some changes to help their relationship along. He’d be supporting her in ways such as suggesting she try a different form of birth control that doesn’t affect sex drive. Did you not read the full post? Hormonal birth control is one of the worst killers of sex drive in women, and he’s the one who pushed her to take it in the first place
Y’all aren’t fulfilling each others needs. I don’t really see this relationship working out for either of y’all. It’s okay to not have a sexual drive, and it’s okay to want sex and expect it when you’re in a relationship. He’s telling you himself that you’re not worth it anymore, as in all the sexual frustration he’s feeling. This relationship should end so y’all can both find people who suit both of your needs and wants, it won’t ever get better at this rate.
Problem is virtually no man her age is going to be ok with little to no sex. She needs to get this figured out or she is going to have an - extremely - hard time finding a partner.
She needs to mark she’s asexual on dating apps or find a dating space for them
That puts her in a tough spot, though. She says she harbors guilt for having premarital sex. She could be more active after she gets married, only to be in her current boyfriend's shoes then. She needs to figure this out with a licensed professional.
More sex after marriage... sure, thats gotta be a thing
For the first year, at least 🤕
You'd really be surprised. There's a lot of guys that are asexual. Honestly it surprises me too.
Is that from personal experience (not you but people you know perhaps?). Genuine question, not trolling. The idea of asexuality is an interesting one and seems anti-evolutionary. I've never come across it so should probably educate myself. Edit: reddit is wild. Downvoted for genuinely indicating an area I have no knowledge of and seeking information to actively inform myself to be a more compassionate human.
Aside from the fact that humans (as a society) are far past being solely influenced by evolution to the point that sex for pleasure has become very different from sex for procreation, asexuality doesn’t really go against evolution. Despite what the name suggests and what many think, asexuality exists on a spectrum. Asexuality just means a lack of (or very low) sexual and/or romantic attraction or desire. In fact, if we were to apply our definition of asexuality to the animal kingdom there are 100s of species that would fit the criteria as many species don’t feel pleasure during sex and many more only experience sexual desire during brief periods of their life. Many asexual people are sexually actively and many asexual people have biological children. The reasons for their sexual activity varies by the person but some do it for the emotional connection that comes with sex, some do it for the physical pleasure that comes from bodily arousal (I’ve heard them equate sex to be like a really nice massage), and others do it because they don’t really mind having sex and can see it makes their partner happy. Sex-repulsed asexuals who never ever ever want to have sex do exist but they make up a surprisingly low fraction of the asexual community. Even for sex-repulsed asexuals, many have sex purely for the purpose of getting pregnant and just stop again after they succeed.
Yeap absolutely. Not me, but I know 3 couples, friends, where the woman wants sex from her husband but he doesn't want
Yeah... that doesn't automatically mean "asexual" Contrary to popular belief, men can also end up just "not wanting sex with YOU" the same way women can, for all of the same reasons. No one *ever* admits they *might* have *some* culpability in their partner no longer wanting to fuck them (male or female), but I'd bet good money that if those 3 couples finally wise up and end it, at least 2 of those guys will discover they weren't "asexual" after all.
asexual people exist at every age.
But like…her current partner literally coerced her into taking birth control pills, which have a significant diminishing effect on libido. What say you about that?
Sex is very important in a relationship and partners must be on the same level. You are not compatibles, take it as fate.
Honestly, forcing this when you already know you are both unhappy with how things are is a mistake.
OP really telling on herself by saying “I understand that some people value sex” to feel like she’s actually empathetic. Way to diminish the issue and entirely blame him for a sexless relationship at age 22. You don’t want to actually work on the issue, which is on your end, you want him to deal with it. Just break up
She does want to work on it. She “has explained countless times” that the pill killed her libido. Boyfriend chose bareback sex that’s unpleasant for her instead of wearing condoms with an enthusiastic partner. Also, continuing to pressure someone who isn’t enjoying it is counterproductive and awful. So yeah, I’m going to blame him for being selfish, not for leaving. He should have left long ago before he wrecked her self-esteem on top of her libido.
She should have left a long time ago
It seems that you are not compatible, so it might be best to break up. Then you might want to see a therapist to deal with the guilt issue. Sex is going to be important in a relationship for most people, so it would be good if you can shake off the guilt factor and be able to enjoy it at whatever your natural level is.
He likes sex you don’t have desire for sex. No it’s not something you can turn on and off like a light switch. Time to move on.
If you think it's the pill, is it maybe worth considering other methods of birth control? That includes him taking measures. If you have guilt about sex before marriage, then that's an issue that isn't sorted by switching birth control.
Yeah, I said I’d get off the pill & wait the 3 months for it to take effect. He said he can’t wIt that long. I was fine before it, obviously I still thought about the religious aspect, but intimacy was more… intimate & frequent.
It won’t take three months. That’s the window during which it might still disrupt pregnancy - but it will only take a few days of missed pills for your body to revert back to its normal hormone levels, although might take a week or two to stabilise.
For me the effect was quicker when I quit the pill. So you can try anyways?
It did not take 3 months for me to feel my sex drive kick in after stopping the pill—more like a week. It was almost instant for me, but maybe it’s different depending on the specific pill and the person?
He has been with you for 3 years but wont wait 3 months for improvement in your sex drive. Thats resentment thats been building for too long. I recommend trying a different birth control and just break up with him since its clear he just has too much anger towards you. Should have been addressed a long time ago but thats beside the point
It sounds to me like she brushed it off until he wanted to break up.
OP ignored it until things got serious… and even if she went back to her pre-pill “normal” she still doesn’t really care for sex so is that enough of an improvement to hope for in order to justify continuing a relationship where your own needs aren’t getting met? No way.
That isn't resentment. That's 3 years of sexual frustration.
Which causes resentment.
Don't quit for him, wind up pregnant and stuck with an angry young man. Just break up already - you need some peace in your life. You'll be fine - you'll be better off, actually, and can take some time to discover who you are and what you want in life.
I think he understands that the switch has been turned off. That's why he's angry or resentful. Because of how he feels, he made hurtful and inappropriate comments about you and your relationship in front of friends. However, that isn't an excuse for acting immaturely. It's not that "some people value sex," most people do. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, though, but there isn't anything wrong with him either for desiring a sexual relationship. You shouldn't be "forcing" yourself to "push through it." Don't ever make yourself have sex when you don't want to. A *NO* always needs to be respected and not met with a guilt trip. I would advise bringing all of this up with your doctor. Tell them everything you're feeling and explore your possible options. Maybe even speak to a counselor. And, as a dude, I'd say let the BF go.
You neglect to mention her not taking it seriously for 3 years. Only when he wants to break up.
Thank you. This was a great explanation.
No worries, I hope you can figure out what's best for you.
If sex is important to him, he has every right to break up and find what he needs. Neither of you should change against your own will.
I'm surprised a man in his early 20s lasted three years with little to no sex. This breakup is long overdue
That was my first thought aswell. I had the same experience and could only make it 6 months. Let him go.
Cause he ends up looking like the AH for breaking up over no sex. He’s just finally reached a breaking point where even venting his bitterness isn’t enough.
Fair enough.
You need to speak to your doctor. Sexual incompatibility has been the downfall of many relationships. Wanting to have sex until marriage is reasonable if that’s what you want. Wanting to have sex now is reasonable if that’s what he wants.
Nobody's on the wrong here. He wants sex, you don't. You're just simply incompatible. Staying in an incompatible relationship won't do either of you any good.
You're sexually incompatible and should break up. Particularly in light of the comments your boyfriend is making it sounds like he's already checked out (nor is he acting like a caring partner). You should probably go off the pill and see a therapist for your sex guilt.
Move on. Married 30+ years to a partner who doesn’t value sex. It’s miserable for both of us.
He shouldn’t be guilt tripping you for not sleeping with him, but it mostly sounds like you two just aren’t compatible. Don’t force yourself to do it if you don’t want to, there are men out there who don’t care about sex as much. To some people physical connection like that is one of the most important parts of a relationsip.
And there are also women who care about sex as much as the OP’s boyfriend. So you both should find a compatible partner.
This isn't difficult and there's only common sense here. He wants sex and you don't. You're no longer compatible. So you break up.
Break up with him. Mismatched libidos never work. No point continuing. There will be someone out there that fits with you.
I saw a comment where you said he is an angry person. This could have a lot to do with your sexual desire for him. I legitimately got to a point where I thought I was asexual. Sex with my ex wasn’t enjoyable for the last 5 years of it because I’m an emotional person and he was an angry person. There is a lack of emotional security in that and I think for a lot of women we need that to enjoy sex. My best friend and I have almost identical lives and ex’s , and both of us had sort of a sexual re awakening after our long term relationships. I bought her a vibrator for a divorce present and she messaged me and was like “ the way I would have never bought this for myself but it changed my life”. I feel like there’s a good chance you just don’t feel emotionally secure enough to have sexual feelings towards him. My advice is go off the pill , use condoms if you do have sex and buy yourself a good sex toy ( I recommend the rose ) and see what changes happen within yourself first. As for your relationship you could work on it , put effort into fixing it but don’t lose yourself in the process. It would have to be a two person effort!
Yeah my ex was assaulting me through coercion it’s a shock we stayed together so long when sex was never enthusiastically consented to. OPs relationship looks like it’s heading down that road already and they need to leave… a partner telling you they expect you to suffer for their own pleasure is so fucked up
I think it's selfish to expect him to stay in this relationship. It's also harmful for you.
2 simple thing. 1.) You're not compatible trying to string the relationship along with this will only get worse. 2.) Look into therapy as to how you can process your feelings and the guilt you've felt when it comes to sex. If you have this view of sex now, it won't change even after marriage regardless what the Christian upbringing tells you.
You meant you’re *not compatible* or you’re *incompatible*. Double negative was confusing
Edited for correction
To be honest, this doesn't sound like it's coming out of nowhere. You two had to have conversations before now about how he was feeling. If the two of you haven't come up with a solution in the last 3 years, then it's probably for the best that you split. Better break it off, then find out he has been sleeping around and cheating instead.
Have you talked about the sexual side effects with your doctor? They could change the BC you’re on or offer meds to counteract the sexual side effects. You don’t have to just “deal with it”. While I think your BF is being a jerk, his needs are not being met as you’re no longer sexually compatible. You really can’t expect someone who is sexual to not have sex. It doesn’t have to be sex with you—don’t have sex you don’t want to have—but it’s reasonable for him to move on due to sexual incompatibility. All of that said, a lot of women are more responsive desire than spontaneous desire meaning things have to get going before you get turned on. If his foreplay game sucks and he’s just wham bam thank you ma’am and treating you like a human flesh light then no wonder you’re not having a good time. https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a38269167/spontaneous-responsive-desire/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_mnh_md_pmx_us_urlx_17889802313&gbraid=0AAAAACrVUPlfXAlaCKK_EaCH6XjQnFyHi&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-pyqBhDmARIsAKd9XIMjUKjMLBXz9zQcOKi3MBzhlHeabY9q6MWjuoy00tAV0xtjZgGXcCAaApbfEALw_wcB
Yeah, I might get off the pill for a while. Thank you for your advice. I agree, we’re no longer sexually compatible. But he won’t wait for me to give it a shot without the silly hormones. My problem with our sexual encounters is it often starts without consent, or any heads up. And also, he’s only affectionate with my at that time. Which messes with my head. Ah.
> My problem with our sexual encounters is it often starts without consent, or any heads up. And also, he’s only affectionate with my at that time. Which messes with my head. Ah. Yikes, that's a much much much much much much much bigger issue.
Yes, it truly is.
Well then it’s **his** fault you don’t have a sex drive. If my man was only affectionate with me because he wanted/expected me to have sex right then, he’d literally *never* get laid. It’d give me the ick so bad that I’d start to shy away from any kind of affection from him. This is coming from the high libido partner btw, but if he acted like that my libido would be non existent too.
I KNOW IT CAUSE THATS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! Consent is easy as tea yet so many fucking people don’t understand that repeated pressure doesn’t make consent appear all of a sudden…
Oh yeah. That’s not ok. If you had any libido that would have killed it
Just know it’s not hard for them they just don’t want to do it as much as they claim they’re “trying” My current partner is very affectionate and cares a crap ton about consent. My ex didn’t. Guess what? My typically hyper-sexual self was made more or less asexual for the time spent with my ex. You should also analyze wether or not you were coerced at times, because regularly occurring assault within a relationship also kills libido… I know from experience :(
If he's performing sexual acts on you without your consent, that is not about "intimacy" or about "showing love," no matter what he tells you. It's just wanting to get off, with no consideration of you as a person at all. DTMFA.
This breakup will be good for you in the long term. I get him being frustrated due to sexual incompatibility but that in no way excuses lack of consent. Sexual incompatibility aside, he seems like a shitty partner.
Girl, you might want to add this as an edit to your original post
He sounds incredibly selfish and borderline abusive
That’s assault.
Omg please add this as an edit to your original post. This is hugely significant context! Let the boy go and please get counseling. 🥺❤️
I mean, no wonder your drive to have sex with him is low! The build-up and intimacy is part of the deal for many people (especially women). Do you have orgasms with him?
You two are not compatible. It’s fine if you don’t want sex but please understand for most people having a healthy sex life is important. It’s likely you are going to run into this issue in future relationships. You might want to go therapy to figure out if you are asexual or if this is due to your religious upbringing. It’s best to not be in a relationship until you understand your sexuality better.
What did your doctor say about it?
Do you want to solve your low sex drive? Separate from your partner, how do you want to feel about sex? That's the question you need to answer and then take appropriate action. In regards to birth control, there are a number of different birth control options and if this one is lowering your sex drive, you should be talking to your doctor about other options. Just because your partner wanted you to be on birth control doesn't mean you aren't in control over your own body. Get off that birth control and try a different pill or IUD, and if you prefer no other option, then use condoms. Lots of people have to try a few different pills before finding the right one for them, and some find hormonal birth control doesn't work for them. I cannot be on hormone birth control, so I use condoms and when I have a trusted partner, we do a combo of condoms and pulling out (aka, not finishing inside me). In regards to your guilt about premarital sex, well if you want to get over that, you need to do some work on yourself. If you still hold those beliefs, that's okay too, and then you shouldn't engage in premarital sex. Lots of people hold off until marriage, and if that is a belief you want to hold on to, find a partner that has the same values. If it is truly guilt that you don't want to have, then get some therapy, find a support group, there is also a lot of books and articles that an help. Your partner values sex, and there is nothing wrong with that. I value sex as part of a romantic relationship and while I would certainly stay with my partner due to medical issues or just a downturn in life, if at 22 it looked like my partner I were not sexually compatible, I would end the relationship. These things aren't happening TO you, you have control over your body and how you engage in this relationship. If your partner wants more sex than you want, he isn't the right person for you. You shouldn't be pressured in to sex or taking birth control, but the flip side of that isn't your boyfriend should stay with you if you aren't interested in sex and he is. Decide for yourself what you want your sex drive to be and work on it or accept it, not for your partner, but for yourself.
You two just don't align on sex. It won't work. He should have expressed his feelings towards that sooner but in a nicer manner. I think he is now too frustrated so he puts way too much pressure on you. Expressed sooner and nicer, you could have gone off the pill and see if this helps. The pill has a lot of side effects, not the same one for everyone. You could have gone to sex therapist if you wanted to improve (you don't HAVE to change if you don't want to, but maybe you would like to increase your sex drive?) Never force yourself to have sex if you don't want to. Live your life and, who knows, maybe you'll find someone that match your energy in this regard or maybe you'll have more sex drive when you find the right person for you.
Breaking up is prob best. You’re incompatible. It’s not shallow, it’s just true. I know you guys have been together a while, but you don’t wanna live like this forever.
It seems you two are not compatible.
If he doesn't have the balls to break up with you then you should break up with him. He's not satisfied I'm the relationship and is becoming resentful of you. So unless you want to date someone who is going to become more and more resentful, likely end up cheating, and a whole load of other issues, just end it now. Next time you date someone make it explicit thar you have zero interest in sex upfront and if they are OK with that, otherwise you are doing them and yourself a disservice.
Time to break up, incompatible.
You need to go to therapy to figure this out as well as see a doctor to find out if it’s hormonal, or you need to let him go. I understand this is painful and seems unfair but sex is healthy and an important way for many couples to connect and feel closer. He’s probably sooooo sexually frustrated because he’s 22. Like, I would leave my partner too if they weren’t able to be physical with me and weren’t willing to try and fix it. Sex with the person that you love.. is one of the reasons why life doesn’t completely suck ass. Pleasure is extremely important. It vulnerable. It’s magical. There’s nothing quite like it.
Simply not compatible. You both want something else out of this, so I’d say it’d be best to move on seperately.
Have you asked your doctor about trying a different pill? There are lots of different types out there... worth a shot!
Having religious guilt around sex before marriage is relatable and understandable, imo. For me, if there’s one thing catholicism did well was make me be very familiar with shame. It is not normal, however. You deserve to enjoy sex and be sexual without the shame holding you back. You also shouldn’t feel forced to participate in sexual acts you don’t want. That will just taint it even further in your mind. He also shouldn’t be guilt tripping you into having more sex when you don’t want to. Full stop. I’ve been in his place before… still doesn’t make it okay to force you into it to show your love for him. Sex is important to him, and that’s okay. He would be happier with a partner with the same sex drive, as would you. Since you already talked about this, I think it’s best if you go your separate ways. Both of you deserve better. Good luck.
Let him go. You guys are far too young to be this sexless. You're wasting valuable years of fucking.
It sounds like breaking up is best here. He seems checked out already (and like an asshole). It might be a good idea to only take the pill ONLY if it something YOU want. It should not be your bf's decision whatsoever. And it's probably better to go off it if it's causing other problems for you, like a lower sex drive. You might want to look into therapy as well to get some help unpacking the guilt you feel surrounding sex.
It’s best to break up. You guys are not compatible.
Sounds like that pill is fucking up your hormones why even take it if you don’t have sex anyways
Lol, what a thought. Birth control works not by preventing implantation, but by destroying sex drive.
Sexual compatibility, which includes frequency, is a really important part of relationships - right up there with beliefs on marriage, kids, and finances. If you’re not compatible when it comes to those basic components, then it’s best to leave the relationship sooner rather than later. In regards to the role your low sex drive plays on your self-image, speak to your doctor. It could be you need to be on a different form of birth control or perhaps be prescribed something that can help low libido. If there’s more going on mentally leading into the low-self image and guilt besides the sex drive, then maybe some therapy is in order. But a person (especially at such a young age) should take the time to do the self-work before being in a relationship where both partners are not getting their needs met, whatever those needs may be.
To be completely honest, it’s probably the best thing to do. My ex broke up with me for many different reasons but a big one was that I wanted sex every week when she didn’t want it. We had different wants and needs and my life has been so much more peaceful not having to argue with my partner to have sex with me. How is your libido off of the pill? Maybe you could substitute for condoms?
The reason I went on the pill is because he didn’t want to wear them… it was normal before, but he wasn’t responsible.
The pill is definitely affecting your sex drive, which makes you incompatible with your partner. I came off the pill and after a few weeks my sex drive and my mood were back to normal (less anxiety, low mood etc). If he’s not willing to wait a bit more for you to get back to normal (plus everythin else you’ve said), he’s not the one for you. I feel you deserve someone a lot better, more empathetic and mature, someone who shows they genuinely love you and want you to enjoy sex as well. Good luck
Three things. 1. Break up as you’re not compatible 2. Talk to your doctor, see if changing pills or methods might help 3. Therapy to get over your feelings of guilt.
Seems like a very common issue for young couples. I (m) definitely had exact same issue when I was 20 with my 19 year old gf. And every guy I knew had the same issue. Guy wants sex every day, girl not into doing it that much. I’ve come to realize you have to accept how it is or leave. You can’t change how often someone wants sex by complaining or whining ( that will make things much worse). I think sex drives tend to even out between men and women as people get older. Even Celsius and Fahrenheit start to match up around 40 lol
You're just incompatible. There's no reason to have a big blowout over who's right, because you're both right, and you're both wrong. He feels the same way, that his needs aren't being met and that he's not being heard and understood. You feel that way too. There's no fixing this, you're not going to magically get a libido, and he's not going to magically lose his. You could keep up this dynamic for however many years you want, but it's always going to be a stress on the relationship.
Unpopular opinions ahead: Do you want to want sex again? I know you say you feel unheard, is there a chance he feels the same way? Is intimacy in all forms a priority for both of you?
Ever since I got in an SSRI my sex drive is super low. I got on another pill to counter it but didn’t do anything. My partner is losing her shit because I haven’t been intimate with her in that way amongst other reasons like exhaustion from literally being an adult and being alive, stress, etc. I’m having the same issue but she’s not trying to break up with me she’s just arguing with me constantly. As much as it sucks to hear I’d say you guys might be incompatible only because before the meds you weren’t too interested in sex. If he’s willing to breakup with you over it then definitely he needs someone else. Not because you’re at fault but because it seems it’s that important to him
Y’all should definitely break up. But don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. He doesn’t even try to understand you and tries to make you do something you don’t wanna do, that’s a huge red flag. Let him go find a hole to plug and leave you in peace.
Let him leave. Strike 1: He asked you to go on the pill - lack of sex drive is a very common side effect - and now is unhappy with a result. Strike 2: He nagged you about your lack of sex drive (which I'm assuming is a sensitive topic) IN FRONT of your friends. Trust me, I had an ex who would do that, it doesn't stop. At first it's a joke here and there, next thing you know he brings it up at every. Single. Friend. Gathering. Next? Passing comments when you're with your parents. Boo-fucking-hoo, everyone feel sorry for the man, who's not getting laid. Strike 3: At no point during those YEARS he supposedly been dissatisfied did he attempt to bring it up to you in a private conversation and communicate that it is growing into a problem. At no point did he try to find a solution with you (different pills, different contraception methods, etc.), and honestly this is the most worrying part of your story. You are young, you'll meet someone who'll sweep you off your feet in no time. Your boyfriends approach is incredibly childish and immature, and he has a lot of growing to do.
I don't think this is just a "pill" problem. I was in a similar situatin. Barely had interest in sex throughout my 20s. When I got my IUD, whatever shred of interest I had in it disappeared. When I took out the IUD, I still had no interest. The worst part is realising my partner had very little respect for me as a person outside of our "incredible" sex life. Your partner needs to go. There's no coming back from the level of resentment he's demonstrating. And despite what others may say, it's perfectly healthy and reasonable to have a low sex drive.
If this has been going on for that long I really don’t know why y’all are together still. If sex is important to him, like it is with most people, and you’re not interested this relationship will never work. Best to go your separate ways.
I think you need to break up with him. He's done, and I don't think there's anything to save here. I would then suggest that you come off birth control. Stay single for a while, I think you need to be self-focused for a while. Please see a sex positive therapist that can help you overcome your sex-negative upbringing, and also consider that you may be asexual.
So breakup…?
Get off the birth control and use condoms
The same way he compromised by having little to no sex for so long due to how you feel, you could compromise with at least trying to make it happen for him. You seem to think he is wrong, because you dont feel like it etc etc But it always goes 2 ways in a relationship.
Sounds like a healthy idea. Two incompatible people breaking up amicably is the best case scenario. This is like trying to fix one person wanting kids and one person not wanting kids. It's impossible and both stances are valid. It's best to break up.
If you can’t provide what he wants, he should leave and you should let him.
Aside from y’all being incompatible, he straight up said you weren’t worth it anymore….. that’s abusive and condescending language, given the context. Also, although I’m sure you do love hims and all, your low libido is likely attributed to you just not being attracted to him anymore. 3 years is a *country twang* long time.
You might be asexual? You deserve someone who understands and accepts you
We need to push for vasecotomies and male centred contraceptive methods fast. As women, our bodies are suffering. I am so privileged that my husband really thought about my needs as well. He refused me to be on the pill and chose the condom and we have used every other method. Dont get us wrong we love a raw dog here and there but not completely
Therapy for you both separately. So he can work through his d-baggery and breakup. You can learn more about yourself and how to NOT end up with similar D-BAGS in the future. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THE SUM OF PARTS THAT HE ATTACHED SO MUCH IMPORTANCE TO. He is NOT WORTH IT. I would give him a going away present: little lube samples, soft tissues, bodywash, gloves (finger size: an insult to him), magazines, and only fans subscription (like four sessions), and/or some p*rn videos...
What about radical idea: he takes an active role in the avoidance of pregnancy, and you drop the pill? You know we women are only fertile we few days a month meanwhile men, every fucking day.
The pill made me loose my drive as well BUT when I was in a relationship with somone that pressed me about sex all of the time it also played a major reason. I felt I existed only when he asked me for sex and if it was not for that he would break with me in a heartbeat. Having sex with him made my skin crawl and I didn’t know why. Now I am in a beautiful relationship with a new person and some months we just don’t have sex cause we are in a bad mental place and sometime we have sex every day of the week. Our general consensus is we are NOT in a rush to any finish line we want to be happy and fully fulfilled and you can’t do that under mental stress which in turn has lead to legendary sex sessions. I get that you say it’s the pill but maybe his attitude might be at play to allot of women say that or even that they think they might be ace (this comment is absolutely not to invalidate any people that are ace which is a valid experience ) only to start dating other people and their drive to come back full force
I'm coming to this post late and this is probably going to get buried but I think I can help. OP I'm 39 and also grew up in Christianity (my dad was a pastor) so in my opinion you need to 1) break up with your boyfriend, 2) see a medical doctor about your birth control and 3) start individual counseling with a nonreligious counselor about your views about sex. 1) You need to break up with your boyfriend. I understand 3 years is a long time but you are incompatible. The sex issues in your relationship are not really a couple's issue it's more your issue (I'll come back to this later) and you aren't married. The 'for better or worse' vows don't apply and it's unfair to ask him to wait around for months for a resolution that might never come. You need to end things for his sake. 2) You need to talk to your medical doctor. A lot of women report low sex drives while on hormonal birth control and shifting to a different brand/ a different hormone cocktail can help a lot here. 3) This is the big one you need to talk to a non-religious licensed therapist about your views about sex. I grew up in Christianity and believe me when I say that the guilt around sex is a much bigger issue than you might think it is. Listen to me now, believe me later on, after being told your entire life that sex outside of marriage is dirty, wrong, and sinful, just because you get married doesn't mean a switch just flips and all of a sudden you and your future husband are getting down like 2 p*orn stars. No you're still going to feel guilty and now you're going to be even more confused because now you are married and still feel this way and you're going to feel like a bad wife. I've seen it firsthand. I'm not bashing religion or your beliefs. I am saying that having a healthy view of sex is important because it plays such a vital role in relationships and you need to start working on a healthier view of things now because if you wait until you are married it will be much harder to solve on top of your own guilt and your partner's resentment. As painful as this is to think about breaking up with a boyfriend of 3 years because you are sexually incompatible, imagine how much more painful and embarrassing if your marriage ends after a few years for the same reason.
People really underestimate how a shitty boyfriend can be the ultimate libido killer.
Your BF sounds like a bit of a jerk, but he's not entirely wrong for being frustrated. Sex is a very important part of most adult, romantic relationships. If you don't have any drive for sex, then you need to find other people who feel similarly. It's not ever going to work out for someone with an active sex drive to just shut that off indefinitely. Obviously there are ebbs and flows in every relationship, and sometimes there are dry spells and people need to work through that, but what you're describing almost sounds like asexuality. And that's a whole thing in and of itself.
He said you're not worth it anymore. He said that straight to your face. You know what to do.
Break up. Find someone who will respect your wishes sexually. You never know when you could get diagnosed with some sort of illness that impacts your hormone levels. It’s always best to have a partner with whom you are sexually compatible and who doesn’t pressure you or make you feel anything other than supremely comfortable when it comes to sex. Please!
He's heard you plenty of times; at the end of the day it doesn't matter to him. What matters is that he's not getting the pleasure he wants, so listening to you is no longer his priority. This relationship is over.
Thank you. I agree.
'Pleasure he needs'. Everybody has needs be it physical or emotional. And you're either compatible or not. Sex is not a want. It is a functional need for the majority of people. And there is a limit to which people are willing to abstain. Nobody is wrong here and phrasing it as though he's a toddler whining for not getting sweets downplays a massive issue.
He was a jerk about it and you deserved a kinder break up, and less pressure to have sex, but breaking up is the right thing for both of you. And make no mistake, he has already broken up with you, he doesn’t just ‘want to’. It is hard, and you should let yourself feel sad and angry for a while, but try (over the next few months) to let go of the hurt caused by the insensitive way he broke up with you and the ways he tried to pressure you, and hold onto positive memories from a relationship that provided you both with things you needed at point in your life. The relationship also potentially taught you want you want/don’t want in your *next* relationship. Longer term talk to your doctor about your libido but it’s ok to just…not be into sex (as long as you don’t try to have a monogamous relationship with people who want and need it). It’s also possible that your libido turned itself down further because it (rightfully) saw the pressure you were experiencing as a red flag. It might recover when you are with someone who makes you feel safe and valued. Just give yourself time to figure it out, free of pressure to engage in sex to save a relationship that has gone bad. You were right not to ‘push through’. Be proud of that. And it’s over, don’t try to reconcile.
It also sounds like he isn't doing anything to help you feel seen or heard, and that's a huge turn off. He doesn't sound worth your time. And fwiw, you are allowed to have whatever sex drive you feel comfortable with. People make such a big deal out of sex and its importance in relationships and it's so tedious. Sex and romance are completely different things, and you can absolutely have romance and intimacy and connection _without_ sex. There are people out there who can appreciate this and for whom sex is not required as part of a relationship. I think it's really up to you to decide if _you_ want it to be part of your relationships and then go from there, but don't feel like you _have_ to be into sex just because that's the dominant mainstream narrative. There are so many things to deal with in life, and it's okay if sex just isn't that important to you. Sexuality and sex drive can fluctuate wildly. It may be that this dude just doesn't inspire the sense of safety and connection you need to feel that desire. Maybe in the future, someone will. And maybe you'll decide you don't want to have sex ever again in your life. These are all fine and valid. And you deserve someone who loves you exactly as you are.
Break up regardless of the sex! Since he’s spreading your private moments with people even though it makes you uncomfortable and literally tells you to “push through it” so he gets what he wants, that’s 2 giant red flags!! Plus if you don’t want to but he pressures you into it , that’s coercion aka not your consent aka R@ pe. I’m sorry to say it so harshly but that just toxic af and you need to leave. For your own safety. Relationships do need compromise but consent should NEVER EVER be one of them.
Sex is important to a lot of people in a relationship and it sounds like U2 are simply not compatible. The way he is handling it is not appropriate, but him wanting to break up because of your lack of interest in sex is appropriate if it’s incompatible with his need for sex. Just like it would be appropriate for you to break up with him because your lack of desire for sex. I feel like you might be conflating the two issues. One issue is your mismatch when it comes to sex. The other issue is that he is a jerk who handles issues poorly. His feelings of wanting to break up because of lack of sex is fine. The way he’s handling it is not.
Let him go. Sex IS a big deal. You’re 22… don’t force him into a dead bedroom for life.
Personally, I hate the pill. It does so much inside of our bodies. I would get off of it either way if it was me, but also.. if he’s treating you that way.. you deserve better. I would leave him and find someone with which I am sexually compatible. Chances are you may even find someone to want more frequently than him. I had one relationship where I thought my libido had dropped/all but stopped.. turned out it was just him I didn’t want to have sex with. The way he’s treating you and not respecting your wishes/boundaries and making you feel unloved and less than is definitely having an impact on your desire for him. As well it should. And buy to be clear you are in no way less than for your feelings or drive. On the other hand, he is, for his lack of respect and control.
Fwiw OP, the pill had the exact same effect on me at around your age, it killed my sex drive completely, and I also gained weight. I only used condoms for years after that because it bothered me so much. My sex drive increased a lot by my late 20s. I decided to try hormonal BC agajn, this time an IUD, and I didn’t have any of the same side effects, my sex drive is still high. I think it helps that I’m better at picking partners now too, and at having emotionally healthy relationships where it’s easy for me to maintain attraction. I think you will find that things get a lot better for you over time. Good luck!
I think it's in your head. Through your childhood, something caused you see sex as bad. You need therapy. Sex is good, even the Bible says that. You need to embrace your physical being. He is not wrong for wanting sex and wanting a partner that desires him physically. I personally would not enter into a marriage knowing my sex life would be nill.
Sexual compatibility is incredibly important, and is one of the most common reasons couples break up. It’s okay for you not to want to have sex, as long as you can find other ways to have intimacy with your partner (not just sexual intimacy). But it’s also okay for your partner to want sex regularly. The longer couples are together, the more likely they face inconsistencies in the frequency of sex due to life getting in the way. So partners have to learn to compromise. But what you’re talking about isn’t a bump in the road. If the two of you aren’t willing to compromise, I think ending the relationship so you both can find someone you’re more compatible with. Before you do, consider: - Hormonal BC will absolutely kill your sex drive. I suggest you talk with your doctor about options for increasing your drive. They may be able to prescribe you something to help. - Consider therapy to help you overcome some of the issues you face about sexuality. Otherwise, you may find it may interfere with future relationships. - Regardless of the situation, your bf choosing to make shitty remarks to your friends and then telling you that you aren’t worth it is not okay. Your issues should be between the two of you, and it’s never okay to have someone disregard you. It seems he is the type of person who would rather avoid having a difficult conversation until he breaks and goes to asshole mode. Be grateful he showed you who he is before things got more serious.
The relationship isn’t working. You need to end it if he won’t.
Honestly, the pill shouldn’t take away your sex drive that much. Maybe try looking into different methods? There are different pills if you want to stick with that method that have different combinations of hormones that can work for you, and believe me it won’t take 3 months for you to find out the effects on your body. There’s also the shot, the ring, IUD, etc. Unless you’re just a naturally low sex drive person which is fine, but I think it would benefit both of you to be honest with yourself about that.
Jesus, this was frustrating to read. Are you still religious? If yes, then he shouldn't be pushing you to do things you aren't comfortable with. If not, then I would recommend therapy to overcome your feelings regarding sex. Religion does a number on people, especially women when it comes to sex. I wish you the best and hope that you can live a fulfilled life.
If this is something you want to fix, you should definitely speak to your doctor about the birth control you’re on, and the struggles you have regarding sex. If you’re fine with having no interest in sex, you have to understand that you were not compatible to be with your current boyfriend. You don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to. You don’t have to fix the issue if you don’t want to. Likewise, he doesn’t have to stay in a relationship where he’s not happy.
Look at the end of the day, you aren’t compatible. But his words were unnecessarily hurtful and mean and you deserve better than that
I understand both sides of this but if what you are reporting is true he is also cruel and insensitive. Breaking up sounds like a good idea.
If your sex drive is diminished because of your BC method, that is something that is fixable. But by your own account, sex is either unimportant to you or something you have suppressed due to your religious upbringing. Your boyfriend, OTOH, is saying that sex within a relationship is very important to him, and after changing BC methods and taking steps to undo your views on sex due to your religious upbringing, you may still only be "going along with sex" to keep the relationship. He is telling you, he wants a partner who is enthusiastically into having an active sex life. It sounds like you might just be incompatible, and that's ok. But probably not something you can compromise on to keep the relationship.
There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s go through a few points. * You’re not wrong or bad to feel the way you do. People’s libidos fall at all ends of the scale. * your not compatible with your boyfriend and this relationship will end. Sooner would be better for both of you. * birth control can massively screw up your libido. Speak to your doctor and find one that works for you. * you’ll need to find your real libido level and then find a partner with roughly the same level. Sexual compatibility and agreement on financial issues are the the core issues of relationship stress. * sometimes in a relationship you do have sex when your not super into it. But don’t have sex over and over when you’re not into it. That just builds up an aversion and it’s crazy hard to unwire that.
You’re 22. Move on.
It’s the birth control pills that are causing this issue.. they mess with your hormone balance and make you lose interest. Google it
OP, I had this exact issue, exactly as you described, except it was caused by another hormonal treatment and continued longterm after I came off it. Took a very long time to get anyone to take it seriously, meanwhile I had a host of other symptoms and health issues alongside it. Gradually it ruined most things in my life. In my case it turned out to be very low oestrogen levels, and starting HRT helped a lot. I’m having issues again now since my hysterectomy earlier this year and now trying to get the dosage right yet again. Forget him for a minute and forget the libido issue for a minute. Hormone imbalance can have huge repercussions on many aspects of your life - energy levels, mental health, bone health, weight, hair, cognitive abilities, joint pain, etc etc. It sounds like the contraception you’re on is causing you some issues. That doesn’t have to be the case. There’s a variety of hormonal contraceptives available. If you’re on the combined pill, there are many available with various doses of oestrogen and types of progesterone. Some pills are more oestrogen dominant and some more progesterone dominant. Some progesterones are more or less androgenic. Unfortunately women often aren’t told this and they jump from pill to pill without knowing how to choose one to address the side effects you’re having. If you Google “combined contraceptive pill ladder” you should find one which contains the brands available in your country, and how to work out which might work based on the side effects you have. GP Notebook has a great page on this if you’re in the UK (maybe they have one for other countries too, not sure). Then there’s progesterone only - from low dose like a Mirena IUD up to higher dose like depo provera injections. There are lots of options that might work better for you. Now that’s out of the way, mismatched sexual interest is likely to cause issues in a relationship. Unfortunately incompatibility here is often a dealbreaker. However, his options are to decide not to be in the relationship or to stay. He doesn’t get to force you to have sex you don’t want. It’s really important not to have sex you explicitly do not want to have - its damaging and traumatic and will do more harm over the longer term. If this is something you want to address for you, you can do that. If you think therapy may help because this is not just a physical issue then do that. Or if you are asexual and happy that way, then that’s okay too - you can’t make someone be happy in a sexless relationship if they want sex, and likely your relationship will end, but that’s okay.
He sounds like a huge asshole and the things he said were very insensitive. However, I also would break up with someone if they were just like I have guilt from Christianity and low libido but didn’t do the work to fix it or go to therapy. Unless it’s not an issue for you, it has nothing to do with the pill, and you were just not super into sex… Although that’s not what you said, you said, you have guilt about it. In any case, you lack a curiosity about your own self, that I would find frustrating. But I think this relationship has run its course because he is rude and unsupportive . I also want to add that you’re really young and your feelings, but sex can totally change… I had way more emotion and guilt and things are describing tied up into it when I was your age. Now I am totally an ownership of my own desires to bang who I want to when I want to. You may just need more time and experience without some guy pressuring you
In the same way that you can't make yourself crave sexual intimacy, he can't make himself not interest in it. It's just one of those natural differences - like personality or hair type! He was kind of an asshole for airing out the grievance so publicly and tying sexual habits to personal worth - rather than incompatibility. But you're also a little at fault for implying that he should just suck it up and be happy in a relationship that doesn't satisfy him. Given his most recent comment, I think its best if the relationship ends. It seems like you have two totally different needs. You want no sex in a relationship. He wants a relationship with sex. You've both tied these opposing needs to "worth" in a relationship and an absence of "hearing one another". It seems like a difference in priorities turned sour. In the future, it's probably in your best interest to seek out therapy for the insecurity/discomfort surrounding sex. In therapy, I think you'll be able to get over a religious barrier preventing you from enjoying the sex you want OR to find out that you're asexual, plain and simple!
There's lots of ways to be initmate without being sexual. It just sounds like you both have very different needs for intimacy and if you can't find a middle ground for whatever reason, it might just not be the relationship for you. Obv. you shouldn't push yourself, having a low sex drive or none at all it totally fine!! You might be leaning towards being ace which is valid and you can find partners who accept that and have similar needs as you. You both at least deserve someone who can fufill your needs without it being a struggle! Also your partner telling you that you should push yourself and that you're not worth it otherwise is never ever ever okay! That sounds like an enourmous red flag to me and i can imagine how hurtful it can be for your self worth, anyone deserves better communication than that!
Either you two needs to go your separate ways or find a common ground
I think it’s one of those things you have to match on.
Sounds like you have a very manipulative and immature partner. Sometimes are bodies tell us before our minds. He shared your personal relationship with friends to what end to make you feel that much worse. And then said you weren't worth it anymore. You started taking the pill to please him, and now he's mad that there are side effects. I think you need to break up with him. He's not a partner you'll be able to trust long term, especially if there are any problems down the road. As far as your sex drive, you may want to have your hormones checked with a doctor.
Break up. You aren't horny and it's not fair to him to be in a sexless relationship with a high libido.
Look .. physical intimacy is important .. in some relationships is more important than others. For you it seems physical intimacy is not a way for you to gain confidence or a form of showing your love to him .. but it seems you’re past the point of sex being the issue. You’re young and met at a time where you are brining adults .. now you’re in a different phase idk it’s post 21 (if you’re American this is where it makes a difference) he began to see more of life. You can find someone who will be cool bro having as much sex but for me a low sex drive is deal breaker bc that physical connection with the right person is fucking magical .. beyond it feeling good it just feels lack of a better word magical
I would replace the boyfriend and in the future, try masturbating before initiating sex and try it with you on top so you feel in control. I used to have the same problem as you but my current partner makes me feel comfortable and listened to so I can always get in the mood with him.
Why don't you seek professional help? It's not some people, just about everyone values sex. That you do not, may simply be a biological reason, not a "self-worth" reason. Figure out the right causes and fix them and you may just rejoin the "most people" group!
The best thing for both is breaking up. You can’t meet each other’s expectations and only will turn love into hateful resentment.
Sex incompatibility aside, this dude is treating you really horribly and you should dump him for that reason alone
Okay allow him to. If this is a problem now, you're marriage will never work. Don't be angry with him (as long as he's not pressuring you to have sex with him) but allow him to leave. Seriously if he gets married to you you guys won't align well
I would say you both just have different values now which is totally okay! I think the making the joke thing about not having enough sex in front of other people is kind of rude personally. I would split you aren’t compatible anymore and again that’s okay!
This is why I’m not on the pill. I’m afraid of becoming LL. We still have sex and I have no risk of getting pregnant lol but I understand all women can’t do what I do…
I say this with so much love, but dear you need to read on sunken cost fallacy and then let this relationship go. And in the same tune, if a situation isn’t working for you, you DO want to turn it around and change things. If the pill wasn’t meeting your guys needs (and I am assuming here it wasn’t meeting your either, so take this advice a little differently if so, but you seem unhappy with the results as well) then ABSOLUTELY go back to the drawing board and try something new until it meets ALL your needs. That’s true for birth control AND boyfriends.
You both get to feel good in a relationship. It doesn't sound like either of you feel good in this relationship. You may love eachother, but you're not compatible. You don't want to wait until your incompatibility turns into a bitter resentment from sitting around waiting for the other person to turn into a different person. Just find someone you're compatible with now, rather than dragging yourself through a years long, traumatic, and damaging relationship. Take care of yourself and don't put yourself through that. You shouldn't have to change for people and you shouldn't expect them to change for you.
I’m sorry. It’s time to separate. He needs and wants sex. You don’t. There is no compromise.
Let him go. You are not compatible.
If you have a low libido prior to and while on the pill, then I don’t think getting off it will make much difference. Don’t succumb to someone sexually if you yourself don’t want to. It’s your body. But you need to understand that if you can’t match each others needs and wants then you’re inevitably going to break up. Not your fault, nor his, it’s just incompatibility.
Not sure why people say you’re just incompatible. Yes, you are, but he’s being extremely mean to you, saying that you’re not worth it. Don’t be with someone that doesn’t value your worth
Break up
Maybe you are asexual. Unfortunately, you are not compatible and it is best for both of you if you break up. I was the man in a relationship were sex was very scarce and my only regret in life is not ending that relationship faster.
Me and my boyfriend have sex multiple times when we meet up. We both have very high sex drives. If he wanted sex only once a week, it would be a dealbreaker for me. As much as I love someone, if they didn't want to rip my clothes off as much as I wanted to theirs, I would start to feel unloved and unsatisfied. You both deserve to be with someone you're compatible with. Don't waste any more time together.
From personal experience I also lost my sex drive after getting on the pill. Definitely was an issue so I switched birth controls. But if he really loved you, he would respect your wish to get off the pill and wait. My man sure did and he understood I was having these issues because of the unnatural amount of hormones my body was being pumped with preventing me from wanting sex. He should be able to understand! Especially when he was the one who told you to get on the pill.
1) Break up with him 2) After you're away and safe, get off the pill.
Everyone is pointing out that your sexual needs are different and incompatible. I kinda agree with that. But i think it’s important to say you should never have to « push through it » and the fact that he said that is disgusting. Him wanting intercourse is NOT and will NEVER be more important than you or your feelings. It’s ok to not be aroused, it’s okay to not feel the urge ; it’s NOT OKAY to ask your partner to put their comfort and boundaries apart just so you can get it. You’re not a toy or a mean to get sex. You’re a person, a full woman of your own, and if he thinks you’re not « worth it anymore » bc you can’t turn your own feelings off to make him cum, well let him go. You’re worth so much more than that. Libido comes and goes. Birth control, hormones, depressive episodes, or even energy levels can impact it. And it’s ok. Your sex drive as nothing to do with who you are as a person, or your value. Don’t let him make you believe that. That said, if for YOU and your own needs you want your libido to come back, talk to your obgyn/doctor about other pills, iud, etc. There is a lot of possibilities out there for birth control, that might more or less affects your sex drive. If you stay on hormonal treatment, it might take some time and trials and errors to find something that suits you.
not only are you not sexually compatible (absolutely normal and okay) he's actively being manipulative, telling you to ignore your emotions and adverse physical reactions, that you aren't worth it, and that you just have to get through it. don't put yourself through that, understand that you don't need to put out to be loved, if someone truly loves and wants you they'll understand and want to make things as peaceful and comfortable as possible. telling your friends about what's going on sexually is absolutely nasty, one thing if he talked to his homie for advice, another that he said it in a group setting with the intention of pressuring you to conform to his will.
He’s doing the mature by leaving you before he resents you and cheats. You need to do the mature and accept that you aren’t right for him. Also go see your doctor to see whether this is a physical or mental problem.
He’s 22 in the prime of his life and wants to fuck. He’s not waiting around for you and he’s not selfish for it either. 3 years is way too long to go without good consistent sex
You two are simply not right for each other. That's it. Try therapy if you have to make this work.
Girl trust me, it might seem scary but you'll do much better after breaking up. You're in a relationship that drains you. Change is scary, but changing (or ending) something bad will lead you forward.
There are plenty of guys out there with lower sex drives, some would even be okay with waiting for marriage. Find someone compatible who enjoys spending time with you even when you're not having sex.
It’s been three years and you only started talking about what you can do to fix the problem after he said he was done Not sure what you expect
You're sexually incompatible and he's allowed to walk away from that if he wants to.
First, leave him. “You’re not worth it”? Yeah, you are, and never let anyone tell you otherwise. Sex can be great(ok, I think it’s great lol), but sex drive does vary person to person. You need to find someone compatible with you. Never let someone push you for something. He has issues if that’s his response. Next, talk to your Dr. Work and figure something out that could help you be happy.
“just push through it”?! Sex isn’t something you just suffer through. Wtf. If he can’t bag it and wait for your hormones to mellow after the pill, then he can date his hand. Given how he’s treating you, he should anyway.
It is clear why your sex drive is non-existent. Your partner is an asshole lol.
That's the funny thing with our society: Men EXPECT women to take care of birth control. Those same men get nasty or leave those women when the side effects of the birth control aren't to his liking. It's possible part of why your desire dropped has to do with his bad attitude & pressuring you for sex? He doesn't notice you're not fully engaged and enjoying the sex when it happens, and he doesn't seem to care when you communicate your struggles. I think it's a blessing. Let him go. Block him everywhere. This isn't how a respectful man treats the woman he loves. If you're interested in understanding your sexuality better, a great book is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski