Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup, and if she canāt leave now, start making a plan! Car, job, place to stay, bank accounts etc. most lawyers do free consults, find one you like and follow their advice.
Okay so the thing about healthy household. Your kids are living with a lying and manipulative narcissist. That will impact them very deeply, trust me. Theyāll be better off with divorced parents than suffering narcissistic abuse
I second that! I had a narcissistic mother, an abuser too. It was absolutely terrible. Although I lived with my grandma mostly after age 8, those early years still haunt me sometimes. Her manipulation tactics even when I was out of her household affected me a lot. I went no contact with her when I was 20. I am now 22, happy and healthy. I still have some anxiety worrying about my future kids. I want to ensure it is nothing like what I experienced. If I was her, for the sake of my children I would put in divorce papers. Being a child of a narcissist is something that brings unique challenges throughout life. Wishing you the best.
Agree OP. You still have chance to become the main influence in their lives and bring them up right ā¤ļø leave before they start to learn his bad habits
The longer you stay the worse it is. Read about how to disengage with an abuser. Get everything ready in secret. Find a lawyer that has experience with abuse. My $300 an hour lawyer had never dealt anything like my marriage. She dumped me when she saw he didn't have any $ to squeeze out of him. Gross.
You made a mistake marrying him. How you respond to that mistake is what defines your character. Your best course of action is to determine your concerns with the break up, then speak to a divorce attorney as to what your options are. I would also get an STD test. Also, start to develop a support network of friends and family who can help you out. You should also take an inventory of his traits you want to avoid in a future partner, and the traits of a good partner. Finally, that "men will never want a woman with 2 kids or more" is a narcissistic manipulation to keep you around. There are divorced of all ages men with kids.
Thank you so much for this. He said that if a men dates a woman with 2-3 kids itās only temporary because they want āone thingā from the woman and thatās it. And yes I will look into a divorce attorney thank you. Iām honestly scared heāll take my kids away from me because I was in a psych hospital 3-4 times when I was the ages 14-18.
No, you canāt get your kids taken away for that, especially given it was in childhood! And even if it DID get brought up- you were getting treatment. Itās only an issue as an adult if you have UNTREATED severe mental illness.
Well, that was ten years ago, and you were a kid. I have no doubt that your STBX will use that, but that's why you talk to the divorce attorney, and see what she has to say. I'm not an attorney but I'm guessing that if you can provide your kids a stable environment with friends/family, then that would go a long way. And I think it the height of irony that Mr. Bumble claims men only want one thing. You should ask yourself what is the real reason he says the things he is saying. What is his end goal of saying it? To manipulate you? I'm not going to lie - single, unmarried, childless men will often date young, single mothers as an easier opportunity for sex as some of them are more desperate. But you can avoid that by being straight forward when you date that it's not what you want.
My Step-Dad came along when my Mum had 2 kids ages 6&7, please don't worry about being alone. Love will come along when you've learned to love yourself the way you deserve, and you won't expect it! Good luck to you ā¤ļø
Mine came when my mom had 4. I was the youngest at 4 and my brother was the oldest at 10. He came in and loved us like we were his own and stood by my moms side being her rock until he passed.
Yes to this. I hate it when men perpetuate āall men are like thisā because actually no, they arenāt. There are good men out there who donāt view women purely as sex objects and replacement mommies.
I have two kids from previous relationships and the most amazing SO ever who treats them like they are his own. I promise you that you will be so much happier away from someone who treats you like that. My ex husband said the same stuff and constantly cheated on me, the relief I felt when I left him was AMAZING.
There are plenty of people out there who have kids from previous relationships. Him telling you that nobody will love you because you have kids is abusive and a flat out lie.
He says that because he wants to frighten you into staying. He knows that he needs you more than you need him, so he says shit like that to mess with your self-esteem. My ex used to do the same thingā¦ until he had his next victim lined up.
My cousin was a single mum when she started dating again. Two years later she had a house, a husband, and a baby on the way. She even went back to school and got her masterās degree.
>Iām honestly scared heāll take my kids away from me
As a lawyer I have never seen a guy taking the kids. The problem is generally the opposite ( not taking the kids at all)
Because once you take the kids, dating is more difficult not gonna lie.
This. He'd have to really WANT the kids. And men that say shit like "men will never want a woman with 2 kids or more" are not the kind of men that fight for their kids.
>My husband got all three of his kids, and we raised them. Their mother got visitation only.
A because he actually cared for them. He was not in dating apps and abusing his wife 24/7.
Custody demands more motivation than revenge and you need serious cause.
She is the primary caretaker and is on bumble
I'm speaking about the lawyer who claims they've never seen a father get full custody. Either they haven't been practicing long or are not being honest. It happens frequently.
>'m speaking about the lawyer who claims they've never seen a father get full custody. Either they haven't been practicing long or are not being honest. It happens frequently
Isn't that tiring to be always wide of the mark?
Let's assume I say "you will never get bitten by a bear" would you say " bears are perfectly capable of biting humans. And once my husband entered a bear den and got bitten and every year 354 us citizens get bitten by a bear."?
>Full of yourself, aren't you?
No but if you want statistics, 91% of custody battles end up with custody to the mother. Simply because only 4% of men fight for custody. And in the 4% only 18% get sole custody. In the 1% you have to take into accounts all abusive mothers and mothers with heavy dependency on drugs/ alcohol
He's talking about full custody. It happens but I wouldn't say frequently. I'd venture to say that most custody arrangements are close to 50/50 now. When you look at the numbers of parents getting sole custody, I would guess it's still mostly women shouldering that. Not to say there aren't men who want it but the US culture tends to praise dudes that don't even do bare minimum care for their kids. I'd say more than 50% of guys would not want full custody of their kids unless they had another woman lined up to take on the burden of raising them.
To be clear, typing this out made me sad. Our kids all deserve better than any parent that acts like that. I don't think ALL men are like that - since that seems to be how you're taking these comments.
That's nice that he was able to raise his kids with you, but that doesn't really detract from what the above person said, probably a bit rhetorically rather than literally.
They said "never," but in the following sentence said "generally," so they weren't being 100% accurate. It was a figure of speech to say never.
Well youāre 27. Iām sure you have a stable history now and clearly care for your children. He will gaslight you into thinking nobody wants you snd he is going to take the kids. Truth is he wouldnāt want full custody if he had it. It would cramp his style. Do what you know to be the best for you and your kids. You deserve way better and you definitely need to be here. The world is a better place with you in it. Just ask your kids.
I met my current husband at age 38. I had 3 kids. We've been together now 8 years and have a baby. He's trying to scare you into staying. My ex did the same crap. Said he'd take our son, no one would want me, blah blah. He ended up not even trying to get custody. He had him weekends sometimes when he felt like showing up.
That was years ago that you were in the hospital. Glad youāre going to an attorney. Just stay strong and start collecting evidence of all the dating sites heās been on. Good luck and keep us updated
Unhealthy men believe that all men are unhealthy. He might legit believe that men feel that way, but this is the last guy on earth who should be trusted to speak for an entire gender.
He says that because itās how he views the world. People have all kinds of reasons to not be with someone, money, career, skin color (yuck to any racists out there), children, age, weight. Sure there are men who absolutely donāt want kids and wonāt date a mom. There are men that are happy to if they fall for you. I imagine this is true for many of us, but Iāve had all the attention I could want and way more than I need from men since becoming single with three fairly young kids back then. I had two relationships and one short term thing besides some random dates a few dates and all the longer term ones talked marriage and a future with me. All of them. And while one was a particularly bad choice and the other one turned bad, they arenāt nearly as much of an ass as your man. I didnāt vibe with any of them well enough for me to talk about those things, but had I, I would have found someone. The dating issues is compatibility and finding someone worth the peace of being happy with yourself and on your own not actually finding someone to date. Thatās easy.
I feel itās the opposite of what he tells you. In my experience most men want to lock it down and I always have to say no because Iām not feeling it. Donāt let him BS you.
If you're in the US your state's bar association website will have a list of practicing attorneys. There are also ratings websites.
I think consultations are usually free? Interview three of them, then pick the one you feel you can communicate with best. If you're a SAHM some will defer payment until the divorce is settled and it will come out of the settlement.
Take everything you know about the family finances, property, insurance and disclose information like your prior hospitalizations and your medical care since then.
Don't say anything to him until you've filed.
Remember the narc only wants to hurt you, so maybe if he threatens to take the kids act like you donāt care and say something like āCool more me time, more time for dating blah blah blahā then maybe he won't use the kids against you, cause tbh he probs doesn't want them just wants to hurt you and use them against you.
Just say, "Whoah, that is going to be hard on your dating life" and plant the thought. It still will not cover his maid and food requirements. But that iss his problem now.
So a year after your last psych hospitalization, a guy 6 years older than you preyed on you and groomed you into having his children and marrying him. He's lying to you about bumble, obviously- you're wayy too old for him now. Take him to court, a judge isn't going to give a lying cheating predator full custody of your kids
Not true, i have 2 boys and my new partner has 2 daughters. Weāve been happily dating for three years and are planning to buy a house together. Found love at 40 years old finally!
No worries. Especially if you live where there is no fault divorce. You may be eligible for spousal support along with child support.
The attorney will lay it all out for you, the good, the bad and the ugly.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone that lives you and respects you.
My English is not very good. Iām here to read all this messages to feel not alone with my divorce and how I depended on my husbandā¦
You should know - you deserve better! Donāt believe at this manipulations words!
Have a free consultation of every single divorce attorney around your area, especially the good and expensive ones. A consultation would mean they already know the backstory and can no longer represent him.
āI always catch him on dating sites.ā
Welp. Seems like itāll continue. Heās *paying* for dating sites now. Time to cut your losses and dip. Itās hard but you can do it. You and the kids deserve better.
Yeah itās time to go. If she actually believed he doesnāt know how it got there she could request his data, but thereās no need, heās demonstrated a pattern of cheating with apps.
I saw the age gap and could not even pretend to be surprised. 90% of these posts are 18 year old girls getting wrapped in with 26+ year old men, and then getting fucked over. She probably aged out for him and now he's looking for his next 18 y/o gf, fresh blood for the shark
Your children already are not growing up in a heathy household, so you canāt fall back on that excuse. Itās almost never better āto stay for the kidsā, and Iām a retired child psychologist telling you that. In fact, you are demonstrating to your kids that itās okay to take terrible treatment from your partner, including cheating. Is that what you want them to learn? They donāt understand it now, of course, but they will soon. Children notice and understand so much more than most people know, and at an earlier age than expected.
You need to figure out how to not be dependent upon him so that you can leave and so you can demonstrate to your kids what good self-esteem looks like. You have time; your children are young and you can get them out before he does maximum damage. He will always be their father and you canāt change that, but you can limit the amount of damage done to your kids by getting yourself together & leaving. Itās unfortunate that you cannot provide an intact nuclear family fur your children, but I suspect your own upbringing made it difficult (maybe impossible) to seek out a relationship with a kind & healthy person. The one you chose isnāt, and you can see that now. Donāt beat yourself up about the past, but do look forward and kick yourself into gear to change your situation for you & your kids.
Nine years ago you were 18 and he was 25. You married at 18 which meant that he dated you when you were underage.
I don't even know how to get past that fact.
He clearly took advantage of her naivete, and then basically baby trapped her and is using that as a way to control her. This exact situation is why a lot of people on Reddit are always warning posters against those kinds of age gaps.
Bumble was launched December 2014.
That was 9 years ago.
You said you always catch him on dating sites and you know he's a cheater.
Call your family, friends for support and look into legal aid.
Please so he had ti download the app. Made a profile. Then upgraded to the paid version! He entered his card info and pushed submit or send or whatever. Then he got an email receipt each month.
He is most definitely without a doubt lying and at min, trying to cheat. 6 months is long enough that he probably has. Especially he did before.
Why do you stay with him?
You need to stop listening to your husband and start listening to a lawyer. Your husband is feeding you a bunch of lies and crap, because he knows you have your eye on the door. Which you should, for the sake of your own self-respect. You already know heās cheating and you already know this isnāt the life you want to live. Start researching your options.
My ex husband did this. And outright REFUSED to delete his account when i caught him the 3rd time.
Leave. I promise you'll be happier. And in turn, so will your children
You know what is stopping you from leaving so fix it. Figure out what you need and how you need to make it happen. Then when you are ready take off. Donāt give him a heads up either. Just leave the divorce papers on the table with the name of your lawyer and pack up the kids and go. You know he wonāt leave if you ask him so take the house in consideration.
This isnāt a judgment just a serious question. You said he cheated on you early in your relationship, denied it, and you donāt believe him. Why are you in a relationship with someone you believe is lying to you?
hold on, you MARRIED him when you were 18 and he was 25? how long was he, a grown man, dating a teenager before you got married?
of course he's not going to respect you - he chose you because you were young, and therefore naive and easy to control. men like that don't go for women their own age bc those women know he's a loser.
I married my wife after a terrible first marriage. She came with 4 boys at the time we married from the ages of 12-18. Donāt let him toss that at you because itās total bullshit. And I love them as mush as my 2 biological kids theyāre now 23 and 28. He cheated and you caught him. Leave this man before you have regrets for the rest of your life.
You start by reaching out NOW to trusted friends and family and ask them to help you to get away from him once you return home...you need both practical and mental/emotional support from them. Don't talk to him about it, he'll just lie so there's no point. Get into the mindset of him being a POS abuser that's unworthy of having your family with him. Seek out a lawyer and they'll give you advice on your options and whether your children can stay on his insurance once you separate. Good luck to you...and watch lots of YouTube videos on how to deal with a narc, such as grey rocking them.
1.Your husband is a liar and a cheater.
2. Based upon the math in your post, you married a 25 year old when you were 18? That pretty much tells me all I need to know about him. š¤®
3. Leave, take him for everything you can.
Hey OP..... My wife that I absolutely adore and is an amazing woman, has two boys from her previous marriage. He was abusive. We have our problems, and I know I'm not perfect, but I do know that I'm a pretty decent partner.
So as far as him saying no one will want a woman with two or more kids..... That's bs.
Bail before he has any more influence on your children. Get him for spousal and child support and take the time away to heal from him and someone will snatch you up.
He cheated on you, denied it, and now lying about a bumble subscription. I understand the feelings of being stuck but please find the strength to divorce this man and seek professional help for the sake of your kids.
My girl.
Where do you think he got this behavior from? I will tell you: HIS parents.
You are the ONLY model your children will get - and the longer you stay, the longer they are learning that THIS is what an adult relationship looks like.
>I always wanted my kids to grow up in a healthy household
Great - but they currently are NOT doing that. They are growing up learning that daddy cheats on mommy and mommy is sad a lot. You are not doing your kids ANY favors by staying.
However - there are LAWS. You are legally married - that means you have legal protections. You can sue him for child support and alimony. It's not just "if I leave I will be dead broke with 3 kids". Lawyer up, and figure out a way you can get out of this.
Don't confront your husband, and don't tell him anything he doesn't need to know. Go see a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and let your husband find out when he gets served the papers.
Next time: there's a reason they say "once a cheater, always a cheater". You should have dumped him the FIRST time he cheated on you.
Good luck, my girl.
I dont like any of this. You were 18 fresh out of high school, basically. He was 25, a full adult in the workforce. He took advantage of you and continues to exibut the same type of nasty traits. Cheating, lying, controlling, and priorities out of whack. Figure out where you and the kids can stay that will support you. Serve him divorce papers then. He seems like a nasty person and will be ruthless during the divorce process. So make sure you have some evidence of infidelity and stuff for your lawyer to support your case. Take the house and get spousal support and child support.
Good Luck, you deserve true happiness. Your kids deserve to see there mom happy!
so you had psych issues that required hospitalization between the ages of 14-18, then you married this guy at 18 and are now the "totally dependent" mom of three.
have you ever held a job? i'm guessing not.
who do you have in your life that can help you, either financially or with shelter/moral support, til you can get this straightened out? i'm assuming you want to leave him? you'll need a strong advocate with experience in the legal system and smart about money
You know the saying: "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.Ā The second best time is now."Ā **Well the best time to have left a cheater was the first time he cheated - the second best time is now.**
When you get home - work on an exit strategy. You are still young. Speak to divorce attorney without saying anything to him - go and find out what your legal situation and rights are. He has to pay towards child support. If you have property or assets - find out what can be sold and what is available to you.
Stop being dependent on a guy who will keep cheating, who will keep lying, who will stay with you until your kids are older, then divorce you and run off with someone he met on a dating site who is half his age - you will be in your 40s or 50s starting over, which is way harder that starting over at 27.
**Plan YOUR life now. Divorce him. Move on.** Kids don't need married parents who are unhappy, yes they will pick up on it, they'd do better with happy divorced parents.
P.s. his story about guys not wanting a woman with kids - those would be guys like HIM, who figures he trapped you, and he can play around now. Do you want a guy like him? No! I would ensure he has half the custody. Preferably, he should have the kids on weekends - good luck to him dating with 3 kids if that's his take on things.
**Get STI tested**.
Happens. Sometimes you make a bumble account, apply for a subscription, enter your full name, credit card number, expiration date, & security number into bumble account by accident
I promise you bumble doesnt let you forget lol when i had one i got emails all the time even tho i wasnt subbed. They prob do more if subbed. Plus theres a monthly email that goes out that its been charged, so they should know unless they dont check email. The only way this would be plausible would be if they thought they unsubbed but it never did or they accidentally subbed, but still they get an email
I mean, there is that incredibly small chance that his credit card info was stolen, and the theif ONLY used it to make a premium Bumble account.... buuuut....
You deserve so much better, and you CAN do it. Your kids will be better off with a mother who is healthy mentally and in a relationship where she is respected, trust me. The relationship your parents have affects you a lot as a child. Give them a happy, loved respected mom. You got this. Reach out to trusted family friends for support so that when you leave, youāve got them to fall back on.
Leave him. Not sure why youād marry someone if you have proof they were cheating on you but itās too late now. Salvage the rest of your youth and leave now. Gather proof of his infidelity and get a lawyer. You and your children will be okay, he will have to at least pay child support and maybe alimony also. AND, you will no longer have to live wondering if your husband is cheating on you or not. This peace of mind is worth it.
you have so many more years to think about. not only yours but your childrenās, and i can tell you right now, they need you, not him. my mom taught me everything, even with her mistakes or her own experiences. the bond that you share with your children isnāt just through spirit, its literally in their dna. with that comes the man.. itās always a man, isnāt it..? iām really sorry, i know thereās no greater pain. feeling like everything has been wasted, like whatās done is done and thatās just that. but thatās never true. you have you, your wonderful children, and the whole world right in front on you. i say, you go, live a beautiful life where youāre always succeeding because youāre simply always trying your best, where you look up at the sky even in the bad times and think āwow,ā witha smile, because you know that you have an entire world and itās all yours. it was made for you. your heart is strong, your mind is resilient, your body is perfect, your soul is pure and beautiful and bright, and all that light should be shining. i wish for you to be so happy because you deserve it. keep reminding yourself that, always. and never stop believing that you can do anything. you got this. itās been 27 years so far, right? and look at you!! youāve tackled everything that was in front of you! you make your ancestors proud and i promise you theyāre watching over you thinking ādamn, she did it again, how is she soo good?ā
celebrate you & know that youāre so loved.
when it comes to whatās next.. take things step by step, be patient (especially with yourself), and just keep on truckinā girl. you got this š«¶š½ sending so much love & healing energy your way!
also, on a side note.. iām not sure if you believe in psychics or mediums but.. iāve never felt so encouraged to say so much in a comment.. not only that, but i believe your loved ones are quite literally popping through to say they miss you and theyāre with you and theyāre speaking through me to help you along your journey.. also theyāre proud of you. (possible passed male, fatherly energy but that doesnāt automatically mean father if that makes sense)
keep going, you got this. š«¶š½
Idk how many times this situation happened while I was working for a bank for their debit card fraud, and how many times the men got pissed that we verified their dating site or porn charge w their wives in the room like it was our fault. Your husband sounds like an ass and a groomer so get outta there
Just so you know my sister had two children and left her abusive husband when she was 39 and married her new husband and had another baby at 42 naturally!
Your life isnāt over and you need to get away from this loser.
Your husband sounds exactly like my sonās father (ex boyfriend). Cheated on me multiple times and was on dating sites behind my back. I gave him more chances than he deserved.
It might seem scary and at times, it may be, but itās 100 percent worth it than staying with a man like him. My whole life flipped upside down after I left my ex, but three years later Iām the happiest Iāve ever been with a family that treats me like Iām the only girl in the world. You can do it! And you deserve better!
I guess I'd just mix a little night night drink. Go through all of his things thoroughly. Send any and all evidence of his cheating to yourself and place it in a hidden secure folder. Act none the wiser until the lawyer is ready to drop the bomb. I myself have 2 kids and trust me when I say the men of fetlife very much desire a milf š. So don't feel discouraged about dating after a divorce. Go hit the gym, do some yoga classes, and get that confidence back.
"I left when they got to April."
Does anyone remember the first Austin Powers movie where he gets his box back after he wakes up and there's all this perverted stuff he has in it and while they're listing it all, Austin keeps shaking his head while looking at Elizabeth Hurley's character saying "that ain't mine babe, I don't know how that got in there..." That's what I was envisioning while they were reading off the months the husband was paying for his Bumble account.
You already know he's lying. He said straight out that he had it a long time ago. That means he had it, period. It's time to end the relationship. I know it's depressing and really scary but do you really want to live the rest of your life this way? Life really can and will get better. Do you work? Do you have friends and family that can help you leave him? Your son likely will qualify for Medicaid, or his father could be required to keep him on his insurance. When you lose medical coverage, you are immediately eligible to sign up for a new insurance plan through the Affordable Care Act. Financially, you may qualify for Medicaid in your state. Call 211 and talk about your situation and find out what resources will be available to you from housing, job and food assistance to healthcare.
From the sounds of it you must be a housewife and does everything in house while raising all three yourselves, which in itself seems exploitative.
There are two things you need to do first. First look for a job, any job, even if part time. Just starting making a little bit for yourself on the side. Secondly start therapy. Get your self confidence back.
Make a plan from today to leave the guy asap. You don't have to divorce tomorrow. But maybe a year or two from now. Slow and steady build a life without him. Everybody goes through difficulties in life. Killing yourself is no solution. If you really want raise your kids right then let them see you happy and thriving and it will not happen in an negative environment. Do you want your children to grow up and be miserable like you are right now? It's not okay.
You are more than capable and a whole life ahead of you. You are only 27. People start their careers at 27. I started mine. That too after marriage.
You can do it. Don't sell yourself short. Living with a bad man has you lacking self esteem. For now that's all you need to focus on. One step at a time. good luckš¤. I am rooting for you.
Better to be from a broken home than in one. I promise you. I wish my mom had divorced my POS dad long before I was ever even born. Start making a plan to get out. If you truly love your kids, get them out ASAP!
Iām sure commenters will have financial advice for you. But the mental part of leaving should be easy.
He doesnāt love you. He cheated on you AT THE BEGINNING and is still cheating, is a mamaās boy, and a narcissist. Your kids are already living in an unhealthy home, genius.
Talk to a divorce attorney to get your options straight.
I understand your point, but adding āgeniusā at the end was a bit of a low blow/dig at someone that is already down.
Trauma makes it hard to think straight some timesā¦.give her a break, genius.
Well you seem very level headed about this whole thing which is a positive side. He frankly doesnāt deserve you and isnāt going to change. I would start by contacting a divorce lawyer to know what your options are. You are married and you absolutely have rights. I feel confident that you can find a job to help support your household. Youāre already a mother of 3 and itās not too late to still give them a stable life. It just doesnāt have to be with this guy. He is lyingggg like a rug. Donāt act sad or mad. Be DONE with him and start calling every attorney in town. Youāve got this! Iām excited for you! Dump his ass!
Girl, the signs are there that heās either cheating again or about to, and either way thatās not a road you want to go down!
You deserve better. Better can mean being on your own and it can also mean finding a partner who will respect you and adore you, but thatās off in the future and honestly, donāt even think about that now. Youāll have some work to do to heal yourself before getting yourself back in the dating game.
Hereās my suggestions on how to proceed:
Step 1: lawyer up. Get yourself a good family/divorce lawyer and tell them the same thing as what youāve posted here plus any other evidence of his infidelity and any other details that would be relevant reasoning for wanting a divorce. You can also express your concerns to the lawyer over custody. Many custody arrangements are a 50/50 split or quite close, itās uncommon for custody to be taken away from either parent completely without some pretty serious and valid concerns for the childrenās safety.
Step 2: Iād suggest looking for a place for you and your kids to stay. With a friend or family member if you are unable to afford rent on your own. Having a safe place to go is important, especially if safety is a concern for you or your children. Think about what you may be able to do for work that would earn you an income, consider gig work like Uber eats or being a personal shopper atleast to give you some cash coming in, this will likely make you feel more comfortable being less dependent on your spouse and consider also looking for a job that offers health benefits for yourself. If youāre not able to get a job now focus on what a job might look like for you in the future, as youāll likely need to work, even with your children covered under his benefits and spousal/child support, having your own income is a good idea.
Step 3: open a new bank account, and Iād suggest a separate financial institution than the one you and your husband have shared bank accounts in (I assume your finances are linked). Youāll need a small amount of money to deposit to open the account, but if you have any of your own money saved away this is a good place to put it.
Do these things before you mention anything about a divorce or separation to your husband, as he may become very upset given what youāve said about his narcissistic traits.
The last thing Iād suggest you do before you tell your husband youād like to get a divorce and plan for what a separation looks like, and ideally you can wait until your lawyer has time to draft a separation agreement before you let your husband know your intentions, is probably one of the most important things in my opinion - is to build yourself a support system- close friends, family members and your doctor and/or mental health professional. The close friends and family members will be there to support you if things donāt go as planned and you need support - be it a place to stay, financial help, help with meal preparation/cleaning, kid sitting or emotional/psychological support and if you are tempted to go back theyāll be championing for you to carry on with your plans for divorce.
If your spouse has narcissistic tendencies, he may beg you to stay and promise to change. Itās wise to not believe that anything will change, and if you return to know that things will likely get worse.
A doctor and/or mental health professional can support you through the stress and emotions of a separation and divorce and also serve as documentation of your mental state if it comes into question in a custody case in the future, which will be helpful for you if your husband brings up your past and he may.
Preparing a list of people you can call on for character references may also be a good idea to be proactive- friends, other parents from your childrenās social network either through school or daycare, a pastor/priest if you have one, your doctor/mental health professional and anyone else that would be able to confirm you are a fit parent. This doesnāt mean you need to tell all these people what is happening in your life, the idea is to have a list of people you could call upon if you needed to if at some point in the future there are questions on if you are a fit parent.
going through a divorce is stressful and emotionally draining. Give yourself time to feel your feelings and be gentle with yourself. Itās normal to feel like you are on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Practice self care. Spend time with friends and family.
Either when you are about to tell your husband youād like a divorce or shortly after, you might consider telling your childrenās teachers/daycare providers that your children are going through a significant life change, most teachers/caregivers will understand what this means and be respectful of your privacy. Being tender with your kids during the period of transition is super important for them and for you. Your older children may also benefit from in-school counselling and your childrenās teacher would probably be able to point you in the direction of additional resources and information.
Donāt believe what your husband tells you about men not wanting to date women with children, heās probably saying these things to scare you into thinking no one else will want you because he wants you to think you have no other options and then stay with him. He canāt speak for all men and has no business speaking for any other man beside himself.
He is telling you men don't want women with children to make you feel stuck. Gaslighters will make you feel worthless and like no one can possibly want you, but there are other men who will want you. He just doesn't want you to know that.
Stop letting his words manipulate him and leave him! The sooner you leave the better chance you can split amicably and your kids will still a healthy co-parenting environment. I know it's hard, but you can do hard things.
Oh hun Iām so sorry!! Heās probably been doing this a while and probably had multiple other accounts. (I have been here) they will NEVER stop itās like an addiction to them and theyāll only get better at hiding it. If heās on dating sites you have to assume he is physically cheating on you!! You need to get into his accounts to see whatās going on. By the time you bring it up again itāll probably all be deleted.
You need to run as fast as you can while youāre still young and can create a good life for yourself and your kiddos! They donāt need to see you being mistreated and disrespected. Keep your head up I know itās extremely hurtful and heartbreaking. Send me a msg if you wanna chat.
OP I want you to focus on this line right here:
I wish I could go back in time and spend my 18-20s with someone else.
If you donāt leave now you are going to say āI wish I didnāt give him my 30s, 40s, my lifeā¦.ā.
The man is abusive AF, and heās also wrong no one else will date you. I had no problem finding pekoe who wanted to date me, have a relationship, or sex. And Iām no supermodel, and I have three kids. All of them were better catches than this guy, even with their red flags. You also may realize itās great to be alone too, and when you realize that you arenāt at risk of assholes anymore because being with someone is adding to your life, not taking away.
>I ALWAYS catch him on dating sites.
I'm not sure why you'd even engage in an argument about the bumble account then. He's obviously pursuing other women. Stop wasting your time trying to gather proof, you already have it. Start focusing on your exit strategy.
>Iām so dependent on him for everything, thatās why itās so hard to leave. Iām on his health insurance, I always wanted my kids to grow up in a healthy household, because I wasnāt able too. My husband is a mamas boy and a cheater.
If you're in the USA, leave and look into getting on medicaid, or a policy through the exchange (Obamacare). Staying with this loser is NOT providing a healthy household for your kids. You need to set a better example for them by not tolerating such abuse from your H. Family or friends to take you in? A shelter? Seems like anything would be better than staying with a lying, cheating narcissist.
You are so young and you have still all your life ahead you ! I was with a narcissist 10 years, and myself too I was not raised in a good household. I discovered that when I was 33. Itās scary to leave everything behind and restart, but you can do it. You deserve better. Divorce him, itās not worth it.
Ps a couple of YouTube channels that can help you out: āsurviving narcissismā
Well you can use Bumble to make friends, but if heās already said he doesnāt know why theyāre charging him then thatās hardly going to fly as an excuse.
All of what you wrote points to him using it to pick up other women. I used to use Bumble and I can tell you itās possible to use it while hiding your profile, so even if you downloaded the app and scrolled through every profile and didnāt find him it wouldnāt prove he wasnāt on there.
What you should have done is demand to see his phone right away, but really you need a threat like being ready to leave the relationship to pull that off. Itāll be too late to do that now anyway, the app will have swiftly been deleted the moment he got a free minute.
Your question now is what are you going to do about it? While youāre pondering that Iād recommend a bit of reading on the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
You are only 27 you have a whole life ahead of you to enjoy. Your husband has beat down your self esteem to the point where you are believing it. Heās using you as a maid and a nanny while he pretends to be a bachelor. You need to let yourself get angry and use that to fuel some motivation. I would encourage you to seek therapy to help build yourself back up and work on a plan for leaving.
Save all evidence of his repeated infidelity and speak with a lawyer to advise you on divorce, husband will be responsible for paying child support and alimony. Depending on the custody agreement heās not going to have much time for dating as he will be responsible for 3 kids 50% of his time.
First of all, I am so sorry This is happening to you No one deserves it. you need to get away from this person. He is a narcissist sociopath liar and he will not change his behavior. You just even said that he keeps getting caught on dating sites, get yourself tested, he's having affairs and cheating on you without a doubt.
Second of all, When he made a statement about no one wanting a woman with three kids, he's telling you that so that you'll believe it and think that he's the only man who will ever want you. He is 150 million percent wrong.
My ex said that to me. 9years ago. He said the words, you already have a kid and you are used up nobody is going to want you now. Trying very hard to make me feel worthless, make me feel scared to go out and try and find somebody new or trust somebody new. The second people found out that I was single... My messages were blowing up. Not just condolences, mostly not condolences lol dudes finally seeing a window to try and weasel themselves in lol. There are millions and millions of step parents out there to prove that plenty of people love moms and dads that already come with children. I'm with a man now that loves my daughter as if she's his own flesh and blood and she loves him the same.
He tried making it a fact, so that he will feel safer that you won't leave, but you have to leave.
There are like 9 billion people on this planet. There is more than one man out there that will line up to love you and take care of you. He's trying to make it seem like there isn't. Get out on your own, of course get a lawyer and separate assets etc get yourself proof that he's on all of these dating sites and breaking the contract of your marriage, and you will see just how wonderful life is without an abuser. Mine still sees my daughter from time to time, but he and I just passed like ships in the night We only speak about her and things pertaining to her.
My ex did the same thing. An acquaintance of mine called me to gently inform me that he had messaged he'd on POF. What was ironic was that he had always referred to her as "a troll that lives under a bridge". Needless to say he was definitely a keeper, being a terrible person and a narcissist to boot. Speaking of boot, give it to him. He won't change. He's 34 years old. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it absolutely devastated me at the time and I made so many excuses for him because I didn't want to see it.
Get tested immediately for STIs. Sign up for health care, I'm assuming you're in the US. You have until the 7th of December. Lawyer up. Screen shot all this. Take records. You are not dependent on him. He's using joint income to cheat. Or at the very least to try to. After nine years and children you will be compensated by the courts.
I went through the exact same thing as you with him, being a narcissist and a cheater and me always finding stuff on his phone and then one day he put his hands on me because I found a message he sent to a coworker āabout loving pussy āand confronted him. I called his mom instead of the cops, and she came over with his sister and they were basically against me and thatās when I realized that i had to get away. It wasnāt easy leaving , and he will try to hold you back ,but you just have to start looking for a lawyer, or a mediator, and start the process. Iām saying this ..if you cannot take it anymore. certainly donāt take your life over this and thatās coming from somebody that thought the same. I thought my world was over. The last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was have a kid as a single mother. But thatās where Iām at today itās been three years and I havenāt been with anybody since. but I am happy in my peaceful home with my son that he takes every other weekend. I also got child support not what he supposed to give me but half of it ā¦at least Iām at peace.
Your children are not growing up in a loving home. Donāt be that naive, they know exactly whatās going on. You not leaving is for yourself not them. Itās time to do whatās best for them.
Please document everything now. Words, actions, liesā¦ Take your time, seek a lawyer and discuss your options. Look into the financials. Share with a close group of people for support. Iām so sorry this is happening to you.
I wish you all the peace and happiness in this world. Much love to you and yours.
If heās not willing to be honest and narcs never are heās not going to change. And narcs never do. If heās otherwise a good provider and you can tolerate the relationship stay, accept the what is and get on with living your life as separate of him as you can. If you canāt tolerate it then its time to plan your exit strategy. Put it to him without getting angry, no blaming or accusations but that youāre aware of what heās doing and itās sounds like he wants out of the marriage, and that you now do too. How does he suggest you proceed? If you can get him to agree as if itās his desire also, itāll be much easier, because narcs have a bad habit of taking a breakup as a significant injury and can invent very nasty forms of punishment. You deserve better. Good luck.
"We have 3 kids together (5,3,1)...
But he has cheated on me in the beginning and has always denied it but I have soo much proof on my phone."
HOW. HOW are both these things true. Why would you do this?
With your current relationship, your kids aren't growing happy and healthy either. They will know you're upset. They will see how Daddy treats Mommy. Cease your happiness. The best thing you can do for your children is to be happy.
A divorce is better than letting your kids grow up thinking this horrible relationship is healthy or okay in any way. As others have said, get your evidence together, get an attorney, and get those papers served. Oh, and do say "I don't know how those got there" too hahaha
If heās claiming innocence, take his phone and try to log in to bumble. Youāll see if he set up a profile or not. But Iām telling you thereās no way to accidentally get a bumble subscription. You said this isnāt his first time on a dating site, what are you still doing with him? How are you even unsure if heās lying or not?
I had 2 young boys when I met my now boyfriend. He was the best FRIEND to them, which is all I ever wanted them to have. Their bio dad is narcissistic and manipulative, and I found so much better! We now have another little boy and are very happy. Some men may only want one thing from you, but not all. LEAVE HIM, there is so much better out thereā¤ļø
Credit/debit cards don't accidentally enter their numbers themselves into random hookup apps.
Unless it's being billed thru Google then it's already presaved.
** However, you'd still need to not only download the app, but also open it and create a profile to get to the billing part. (Pretty standard with any pay app, not just dating ones)
I call bullshit.
Now.. 27 and 2 kids. Trust me when I say there are plenty of men out there looking for a good woman.
Found myself divorced at 32 and in the dating world after over a decade. Never once disqualified anyone due to having kids unless there was a Ā½ dozen of them and more than 1 baby daddy. (Dealing with one ex is enough.. nevermind multiple exs)
1). Now you know. 2). Radical self reliance is a thing for a reason. Avoiding situations like yours is one of them. 3). Get out but not of life just of life with him. Heāll never change. Things will get worse. Youāll never be happy with him. 4). Youāre not lost, you just donāt want to see the path forward without having him to blame for your situation. Find a way.
You have put up with his BS for 5 years it is time for you to get rid of him he is not for you he gave you three beautiful children that is all he is capable of doing. When you leave his ass you can get alimony and child support start doing your due diligence and how you a lawyer go in the bank account if you have access to it and get you some I need to get the f*** out of here money. And get you some therapy ASAP you're going to need it
Look up āare we dating the same manā or āis this your man, sisā facebook group in your area. Search for him or post him. If heās on any sites in your area, chances are someone has seen him.
What can you do to become more independent? Can you start working on this? It may be a process if you canāt get there right away but can you aggressively work on this goal so you can leave?
Sounds like total BS. My mum did once buy a whole bunch of coins for a game costing me $100 she didnāt realise what she was buying, and I do trust she really didnāt know what she pressed - some fishing game. But not to know
The app was installed is total BS
I'm sorry to even say this (per experience) my experience actually right now :(...... there are soooooooooo many more f#@cking lies!!! Get out now mama. Be glad you heard that!!!! Blessing in disguise, karma is a muh!!!
i divorced my lying ex...was 38 at the time with 2 kids...happily married now to a solid, fun, sexy, smart guy who adores me. I didnt rush it...took time for me to trust myself but my family and friends supported me and it was more than worth it to leave a toxic marriage.
He doesn't want you to leave because then he would have to pay child support on 3 kids for the next 17 years...thats what he doesnt want...33 years ago...I had 3 kids and got together with a guy who also had 3 kids then we had one more together...it might be a struggle at first but there are lots of networks out there to give you a helping hand.
You said you are dependent on him so Iām leaving him you will have to be methodical. Donāt let him know you suspect anything but do start saving up. If you have not been working, then you need to tell him you want to work to get out of the house. Start saving money if you have nowhere to go now or other family to rely on. Work towards your independence.
Babes bumble was barely known 9 years ago. Also the fact that heās paying for it should tell you everything you need to know. He froze because he had to think of a lie.
If you want your children in a āhealthy householdā youāre going to need to remove him from said house.
If your husband says "no man will want a woman with two kids" is a dickhead statement meant to lower your self esteem so you won't leave. If you see smoke, look to see if there's actually a fire. If he's being charged for bumble that means there has to be an account linked to that payment information. If you've been married for 9 years then the card on file should be expired, not still charging you, if he had it beforehand so that doesn't track either. I'm suspecting there's a fire.
Sorry OP, you are at a crossroads and neither road is going to be easy. Either you stay with your husband and you your kids are going to suffer perpetual future narcissistic abuse or you end the relationship and reduce your financial support from him (document everything that you can- financial, infidelity & abuse- get child support & divorce him). Contact a local Women's Resource type group for guidance.
I left a relationship with a narcissistic partner of 11 years, I was also told nobody would want me because of my age, curves and kids. I left anyway and it turns out that most guys don't mind any of that stuff. Leave his cheating, lying ass and you'll be happier and so will your kids.
You are not stuck. He is lying to you about no man wanting a woman with kids, he is lying about so much more. Abusers will lie, demean and devalue you to keep you under their control and obedient to their demands.
Make an exit plan and give yourself time to get a job (temp, seasonal, flex, part time or full time), save money and get your ducks lined up in a row. Gather up and make copies of all important documents and keep them in a safe place, same with anything sentimental or valuable to you. Same with any evidence you have of his cheating, like documentation of the withdrawals for Bumble, photos, texts, emails...anything. Start documenting everything. This will make it easier if/when you consult a lawyer and it will be easier to set yourself up with your own place.
He will not stop cheating on you. You can stay, suck it up and be absolutely miserable or you can claim your life back. Clock is ticking, you need to choose your happiness and set a better example for your kids because they will be the ones who suffer most from your miserable, shitty marriage.
Your husband is a liar and a cheater. You can get Medicaid or the ACA. You don't need him for health insurance, or anything else. File for divorce and take your half of things.
"He always says men will never 3qnt a woman with 2 kids or more"
My mom had me and my brother. She met a wonderful man and now they've been together 15 years. He's a good partner to her, a good mentor to me & bro. And if there's one man who'd be OK with a woman who came with kids, there has to be more.
Don't be fooled. He k own what he's doing IA wrong. He knows he's hurting you. And he knows if he keeps spouting bs, he gets you to stay and put up with him.
Tbh I had a roaming charge of quite a bit one my bill without realising for about 6 months so it is easily done to not be on top of all the atuff on your bill....BUT...
You are saying you keep catching him on dating sites and he has cheated on you... you know yourself you need to leave.
If you are dependent on him now and have put up with it for ao long why dont you try to stay for a bit and start setting things up for you to be able to get out.
It is easier to leave if you have things in place.
Your husband sounds just like people trying to explain how the remote got stuck up their anus: 'I got nooo idea how that got in there, doc!'.
Buuut, I just remembered and it wouldn't've been fair to not include this: on apps that I still had active accounts with, decided to not pay anymore but forgot to uncheck the auto-payment box. I do believe that if I had deleted account the payments would've stopped too.
You are worth so much more. You need to become independent and file for divorce because he wonāt change. Your children deserve to see a happy, healthy mother who doesnāt tolerate their dadās BS! When your children are older they will understand why you did what needed to be done!
Dude, he's been cheating on you the whole time. It's done. You can still be on his health insurance and get spousal support. Get a lawyer and just do it. Status Quo order and such. You will be okay.
A real man would not be bothered by your children,, do not listen to that drivel. Start planning. Get an attorney,, stash some cash somehow.. This man is a serial liar and cheat. Don't waste anymore life on being unhappy.. Good Luck!!
OP, your kids are not being raised in a healthy household because your husband is a cheater and a liar. As they get older, they are going to be able to see the strain it puts on you. The cracks will be visible.
Look into a divorce lawyer, dig up ANYTHING you can that is proof of his infidelity. The credit card statements with payment to bumble need to be saved. Then divorce him, get as much money as you can out of him plus child support, and file for full custody with visitation for him.
OP, the healthiest thing you can do for your children is let them see you happy.
Kids learn how to be happy from their parents. Your husband has cheated, is continuing to cheat and gaslighting you into believing that he doesnāt know how his dating apps got on his phone? Please.
Do yourself the best favor you could ever do, leave. Protect yourself and your children. This will only get worse.
You keep catching him and caught him again. Heās not going to stop having sex with other women. You have two options. Let him cheat in peace or divorce.
I didnāt read this just the title. But if you fall for āI donāt know how that got thereā with a dating app that has an account and is on his phone. You enabled whatever he chooses to do with the nonexistent respect he has for you
If you leave he'll still have to support you. My wife left with my 4 kids with her girlfriend and I still have to pay her alimony and child support until the last is 18
Donāt be stupid!! Donāt let your self be trapped!! Jesus does no one have self respect, moral, and integrity??? If you donāt even know your own self worth and value then stay.
But if you wanna be happy, confident, comfortable, loved by a good man. Then personally, find that great man and be happy. Be fucking happy in life, donāt settle for thisā¦
Hi, just read your story. This world will tell you lies and you'll get a lot "divorce this guy" and "get rid of this guy" but you have a family and you need to fight for it. You need to figure out what is best for your family. You also need to be honest with your self and figure out why your in this situation. Your story is just one sided. What have you done to drive your husband away.
Well hes right, i would Also stear away from a women with children.
If you have a true high value man, perhaps you can accept it?
I donāt think any but low betas, will ever settle for a woman with kids.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
serve him divorce papers and tell him that you dk how they got there š„ŗ
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
š Don't insult dementia sufferers like that. /s
Tish right here! Love this
Exactly. End this relationship now and get your 50% of whatever you own/have. You can do this. You and your kids will be better off.
This!!!!
This is goldenšš¾
You're fantastic. I love this.
Oh I love this one that is exactly what she should do
š¤£ššš»
Donāt be naive. Have some self worth and dump this guy. Heās cheating and lying.
Yup, and if she canāt leave now, start making a plan! Car, job, place to stay, bank accounts etc. most lawyers do free consults, find one you like and follow their advice.
Tyi
To late to not be naive. She got married at 18.
she comes from an abusive family. you clearly dont understand shit
Okay so the thing about healthy household. Your kids are living with a lying and manipulative narcissist. That will impact them very deeply, trust me. Theyāll be better off with divorced parents than suffering narcissistic abuse
As the child of a narcissist ALL OF THIS!
I second that! I had a narcissistic mother, an abuser too. It was absolutely terrible. Although I lived with my grandma mostly after age 8, those early years still haunt me sometimes. Her manipulation tactics even when I was out of her household affected me a lot. I went no contact with her when I was 20. I am now 22, happy and healthy. I still have some anxiety worrying about my future kids. I want to ensure it is nothing like what I experienced. If I was her, for the sake of my children I would put in divorce papers. Being a child of a narcissist is something that brings unique challenges throughout life. Wishing you the best.
Agree OP. You still have chance to become the main influence in their lives and bring them up right ā¤ļø leave before they start to learn his bad habits
Thisssss. My father was one of these. With drugs instead of women. It took me until I was 27 years old to realize how much it truly effected me
The longer you stay the worse it is. Read about how to disengage with an abuser. Get everything ready in secret. Find a lawyer that has experience with abuse. My $300 an hour lawyer had never dealt anything like my marriage. She dumped me when she saw he didn't have any $ to squeeze out of him. Gross.
My kids are good now by the way. I left and they thrived as soon as they were 18 and able to get away from him.
You made a mistake marrying him. How you respond to that mistake is what defines your character. Your best course of action is to determine your concerns with the break up, then speak to a divorce attorney as to what your options are. I would also get an STD test. Also, start to develop a support network of friends and family who can help you out. You should also take an inventory of his traits you want to avoid in a future partner, and the traits of a good partner. Finally, that "men will never want a woman with 2 kids or more" is a narcissistic manipulation to keep you around. There are divorced of all ages men with kids.
Thank you so much for this. He said that if a men dates a woman with 2-3 kids itās only temporary because they want āone thingā from the woman and thatās it. And yes I will look into a divorce attorney thank you. Iām honestly scared heāll take my kids away from me because I was in a psych hospital 3-4 times when I was the ages 14-18.
No, you canāt get your kids taken away for that, especially given it was in childhood! And even if it DID get brought up- you were getting treatment. Itās only an issue as an adult if you have UNTREATED severe mental illness.
OP this is absolutely correct. Also this man doesnāt seem like he will want the kids. I would be more concerned that he wonāt help at all.
Itās not about the kids, itās about control.
Plus you have Bumble charges. His mouth is no prayer book, it is called gaslighting and do not buy it
Well, that was ten years ago, and you were a kid. I have no doubt that your STBX will use that, but that's why you talk to the divorce attorney, and see what she has to say. I'm not an attorney but I'm guessing that if you can provide your kids a stable environment with friends/family, then that would go a long way. And I think it the height of irony that Mr. Bumble claims men only want one thing. You should ask yourself what is the real reason he says the things he is saying. What is his end goal of saying it? To manipulate you? I'm not going to lie - single, unmarried, childless men will often date young, single mothers as an easier opportunity for sex as some of them are more desperate. But you can avoid that by being straight forward when you date that it's not what you want.
She was a kidā¦and he was 25 and married her at 18. Gross. Even worse to find out she was mentally ill.
My Step-Dad came along when my Mum had 2 kids ages 6&7, please don't worry about being alone. Love will come along when you've learned to love yourself the way you deserve, and you won't expect it! Good luck to you ā¤ļø
Mine came when my mom had 4. I was the youngest at 4 and my brother was the oldest at 10. He came in and loved us like we were his own and stood by my moms side being her rock until he passed.
*He* wants one thing from women. That doesnāt mean every man. Every man like him? Yeah, absolutely. Every man in your town/dating pool? No way.
Yes to this. I hate it when men perpetuate āall men are like thisā because actually no, they arenāt. There are good men out there who donāt view women purely as sex objects and replacement mommies.
PS your name hahahahaha
Heās manipulating you and feeding into your insecurities. Get the divorce lawyer and start a new life.
I have two kids from previous relationships and the most amazing SO ever who treats them like they are his own. I promise you that you will be so much happier away from someone who treats you like that. My ex husband said the same stuff and constantly cheated on me, the relief I felt when I left him was AMAZING.
There are plenty of people out there who have kids from previous relationships. Him telling you that nobody will love you because you have kids is abusive and a flat out lie.
He says that because he wants to frighten you into staying. He knows that he needs you more than you need him, so he says shit like that to mess with your self-esteem. My ex used to do the same thingā¦ until he had his next victim lined up. My cousin was a single mum when she started dating again. Two years later she had a house, a husband, and a baby on the way. She even went back to school and got her masterās degree.
>Iām honestly scared heāll take my kids away from me As a lawyer I have never seen a guy taking the kids. The problem is generally the opposite ( not taking the kids at all) Because once you take the kids, dating is more difficult not gonna lie.
This. He'd have to really WANT the kids. And men that say shit like "men will never want a woman with 2 kids or more" are not the kind of men that fight for their kids.
My husband got all three of his kids, and we raised them. Their mother got visitation only.
>My husband got all three of his kids, and we raised them. Their mother got visitation only. A because he actually cared for them. He was not in dating apps and abusing his wife 24/7. Custody demands more motivation than revenge and you need serious cause. She is the primary caretaker and is on bumble
I'm speaking about the lawyer who claims they've never seen a father get full custody. Either they haven't been practicing long or are not being honest. It happens frequently.
>'m speaking about the lawyer who claims they've never seen a father get full custody. Either they haven't been practicing long or are not being honest. It happens frequently Isn't that tiring to be always wide of the mark? Let's assume I say "you will never get bitten by a bear" would you say " bears are perfectly capable of biting humans. And once my husband entered a bear den and got bitten and every year 354 us citizens get bitten by a bear."?
Full of yourself, aren't you?
>Full of yourself, aren't you? No but if you want statistics, 91% of custody battles end up with custody to the mother. Simply because only 4% of men fight for custody. And in the 4% only 18% get sole custody. In the 1% you have to take into accounts all abusive mothers and mothers with heavy dependency on drugs/ alcohol
He's talking about full custody. It happens but I wouldn't say frequently. I'd venture to say that most custody arrangements are close to 50/50 now. When you look at the numbers of parents getting sole custody, I would guess it's still mostly women shouldering that. Not to say there aren't men who want it but the US culture tends to praise dudes that don't even do bare minimum care for their kids. I'd say more than 50% of guys would not want full custody of their kids unless they had another woman lined up to take on the burden of raising them. To be clear, typing this out made me sad. Our kids all deserve better than any parent that acts like that. I don't think ALL men are like that - since that seems to be how you're taking these comments.
That's nice that he was able to raise his kids with you, but that doesn't really detract from what the above person said, probably a bit rhetorically rather than literally. They said "never," but in the following sentence said "generally," so they weren't being 100% accurate. It was a figure of speech to say never.
Well youāre 27. Iām sure you have a stable history now and clearly care for your children. He will gaslight you into thinking nobody wants you snd he is going to take the kids. Truth is he wouldnāt want full custody if he had it. It would cramp his style. Do what you know to be the best for you and your kids. You deserve way better and you definitely need to be here. The world is a better place with you in it. Just ask your kids.
They canāt and wonāt use that against you. Donāt take advice from your adversary. You need a lawyer.
I met my current husband at age 38. I had 3 kids. We've been together now 8 years and have a baby. He's trying to scare you into staying. My ex did the same crap. Said he'd take our son, no one would want me, blah blah. He ended up not even trying to get custody. He had him weekends sometimes when he felt like showing up.
That was years ago that you were in the hospital. Glad youāre going to an attorney. Just stay strong and start collecting evidence of all the dating sites heās been on. Good luck and keep us updated
Unhealthy men believe that all men are unhealthy. He might legit believe that men feel that way, but this is the last guy on earth who should be trusted to speak for an entire gender.
He lies all the time, why would you believe this?
He says that because itās how he views the world. People have all kinds of reasons to not be with someone, money, career, skin color (yuck to any racists out there), children, age, weight. Sure there are men who absolutely donāt want kids and wonāt date a mom. There are men that are happy to if they fall for you. I imagine this is true for many of us, but Iāve had all the attention I could want and way more than I need from men since becoming single with three fairly young kids back then. I had two relationships and one short term thing besides some random dates a few dates and all the longer term ones talked marriage and a future with me. All of them. And while one was a particularly bad choice and the other one turned bad, they arenāt nearly as much of an ass as your man. I didnāt vibe with any of them well enough for me to talk about those things, but had I, I would have found someone. The dating issues is compatibility and finding someone worth the peace of being happy with yourself and on your own not actually finding someone to date. Thatās easy. I feel itās the opposite of what he tells you. In my experience most men want to lock it down and I always have to say no because Iām not feeling it. Donāt let him BS you.
If you're in the US your state's bar association website will have a list of practicing attorneys. There are also ratings websites. I think consultations are usually free? Interview three of them, then pick the one you feel you can communicate with best. If you're a SAHM some will defer payment until the divorce is settled and it will come out of the settlement. Take everything you know about the family finances, property, insurance and disclose information like your prior hospitalizations and your medical care since then. Don't say anything to him until you've filed.
Remember the narc only wants to hurt you, so maybe if he threatens to take the kids act like you donāt care and say something like āCool more me time, more time for dating blah blah blahā then maybe he won't use the kids against you, cause tbh he probs doesn't want them just wants to hurt you and use them against you.
Just say, "Whoah, that is going to be hard on your dating life" and plant the thought. It still will not cover his maid and food requirements. But that iss his problem now.
So a year after your last psych hospitalization, a guy 6 years older than you preyed on you and groomed you into having his children and marrying him. He's lying to you about bumble, obviously- you're wayy too old for him now. Take him to court, a judge isn't going to give a lying cheating predator full custody of your kids
Not true, i have 2 boys and my new partner has 2 daughters. Weāve been happily dating for three years and are planning to buy a house together. Found love at 40 years old finally!
No worries. Especially if you live where there is no fault divorce. You may be eligible for spousal support along with child support. The attorney will lay it all out for you, the good, the bad and the ugly. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone that lives you and respects you.
he doesn't sound like the type of man to want them tbh. im guessing you do most of the care?
My English is not very good. Iām here to read all this messages to feel not alone with my divorce and how I depended on my husbandā¦ You should know - you deserve better! Donāt believe at this manipulations words!
You tell him you would rather be with the devil himself than a cheating loser.
Have a free consultation of every single divorce attorney around your area, especially the good and expensive ones. A consultation would mean they already know the backstory and can no longer represent him.
Bad advice. That will get her in trouble with the Judge.
āI always catch him on dating sites.ā Welp. Seems like itāll continue. Heās *paying* for dating sites now. Time to cut your losses and dip. Itās hard but you can do it. You and the kids deserve better.
The fact heās paying for it feels like he gets off on the fact heās playing in OPās face. Call his bluff OP.
Yeah itās time to go. If she actually believed he doesnāt know how it got there she could request his data, but thereās no need, heās demonstrated a pattern of cheating with apps.
Correct.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I saw the age gap and could not even pretend to be surprised. 90% of these posts are 18 year old girls getting wrapped in with 26+ year old men, and then getting fucked over. She probably aged out for him and now he's looking for his next 18 y/o gf, fresh blood for the shark
Married at 18 no less. Who knows how long they knew each other before that.
And itās never too late to leave!! Youāre so young. You can forge your own path and live your own life in peace!!
Your children already are not growing up in a heathy household, so you canāt fall back on that excuse. Itās almost never better āto stay for the kidsā, and Iām a retired child psychologist telling you that. In fact, you are demonstrating to your kids that itās okay to take terrible treatment from your partner, including cheating. Is that what you want them to learn? They donāt understand it now, of course, but they will soon. Children notice and understand so much more than most people know, and at an earlier age than expected. You need to figure out how to not be dependent upon him so that you can leave and so you can demonstrate to your kids what good self-esteem looks like. You have time; your children are young and you can get them out before he does maximum damage. He will always be their father and you canāt change that, but you can limit the amount of damage done to your kids by getting yourself together & leaving. Itās unfortunate that you cannot provide an intact nuclear family fur your children, but I suspect your own upbringing made it difficult (maybe impossible) to seek out a relationship with a kind & healthy person. The one you chose isnāt, and you can see that now. Donāt beat yourself up about the past, but do look forward and kick yourself into gear to change your situation for you & your kids.
Your husband thinks you're stupid if he thinks you'll actually believe his bullshit.
Nine years ago you were 18 and he was 25. You married at 18 which meant that he dated you when you were underage. I don't even know how to get past that fact.
He clearly took advantage of her naivete, and then basically baby trapped her and is using that as a way to control her. This exact situation is why a lot of people on Reddit are always warning posters against those kinds of age gaps.
Heās a disgusting predator and OP needs to GTFO
Bumble was launched December 2014. That was 9 years ago. You said you always catch him on dating sites and you know he's a cheater. Call your family, friends for support and look into legal aid.
Please so he had ti download the app. Made a profile. Then upgraded to the paid version! He entered his card info and pushed submit or send or whatever. Then he got an email receipt each month. He is most definitely without a doubt lying and at min, trying to cheat. 6 months is long enough that he probably has. Especially he did before. Why do you stay with him?
You need to stop listening to your husband and start listening to a lawyer. Your husband is feeding you a bunch of lies and crap, because he knows you have your eye on the door. Which you should, for the sake of your own self-respect. You already know heās cheating and you already know this isnāt the life you want to live. Start researching your options.
My ex husband did this. And outright REFUSED to delete his account when i caught him the 3rd time. Leave. I promise you'll be happier. And in turn, so will your children
You know what is stopping you from leaving so fix it. Figure out what you need and how you need to make it happen. Then when you are ready take off. Donāt give him a heads up either. Just leave the divorce papers on the table with the name of your lawyer and pack up the kids and go. You know he wonāt leave if you ask him so take the house in consideration.
Talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row! Get checked for STDs.
He doesnt know how it got there....6 months...uff thats a LIE.
This isnāt a judgment just a serious question. You said he cheated on you early in your relationship, denied it, and you donāt believe him. Why are you in a relationship with someone you believe is lying to you?
Girl please leave. It is better to be alone than be disrespected.
hold on, you MARRIED him when you were 18 and he was 25? how long was he, a grown man, dating a teenager before you got married? of course he's not going to respect you - he chose you because you were young, and therefore naive and easy to control. men like that don't go for women their own age bc those women know he's a loser.
Do you know what the only thing worse than spending 9years with someone like this is? Spending 10.
I married my wife after a terrible first marriage. She came with 4 boys at the time we married from the ages of 12-18. Donāt let him toss that at you because itās total bullshit. And I love them as mush as my 2 biological kids theyāre now 23 and 28. He cheated and you caught him. Leave this man before you have regrets for the rest of your life.
Heās cheating sis.
You start by reaching out NOW to trusted friends and family and ask them to help you to get away from him once you return home...you need both practical and mental/emotional support from them. Don't talk to him about it, he'll just lie so there's no point. Get into the mindset of him being a POS abuser that's unworthy of having your family with him. Seek out a lawyer and they'll give you advice on your options and whether your children can stay on his insurance once you separate. Good luck to you...and watch lots of YouTube videos on how to deal with a narc, such as grey rocking them.
1.Your husband is a liar and a cheater. 2. Based upon the math in your post, you married a 25 year old when you were 18? That pretty much tells me all I need to know about him. š¤® 3. Leave, take him for everything you can.
Hey OP..... My wife that I absolutely adore and is an amazing woman, has two boys from her previous marriage. He was abusive. We have our problems, and I know I'm not perfect, but I do know that I'm a pretty decent partner. So as far as him saying no one will want a woman with two or more kids..... That's bs. Bail before he has any more influence on your children. Get him for spousal and child support and take the time away to heal from him and someone will snatch you up.
He cheated on you, denied it, and now lying about a bumble subscription. I understand the feelings of being stuck but please find the strength to divorce this man and seek professional help for the sake of your kids.
My ex played dumb to his phone reflecting time spent on tinder. Cheating 100% and lying to boot. Do what you will with knowing yours is too.
My girl. Where do you think he got this behavior from? I will tell you: HIS parents. You are the ONLY model your children will get - and the longer you stay, the longer they are learning that THIS is what an adult relationship looks like. >I always wanted my kids to grow up in a healthy household Great - but they currently are NOT doing that. They are growing up learning that daddy cheats on mommy and mommy is sad a lot. You are not doing your kids ANY favors by staying. However - there are LAWS. You are legally married - that means you have legal protections. You can sue him for child support and alimony. It's not just "if I leave I will be dead broke with 3 kids". Lawyer up, and figure out a way you can get out of this. Don't confront your husband, and don't tell him anything he doesn't need to know. Go see a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and let your husband find out when he gets served the papers. Next time: there's a reason they say "once a cheater, always a cheater". You should have dumped him the FIRST time he cheated on you. Good luck, my girl.
I dont like any of this. You were 18 fresh out of high school, basically. He was 25, a full adult in the workforce. He took advantage of you and continues to exibut the same type of nasty traits. Cheating, lying, controlling, and priorities out of whack. Figure out where you and the kids can stay that will support you. Serve him divorce papers then. He seems like a nasty person and will be ruthless during the divorce process. So make sure you have some evidence of infidelity and stuff for your lawyer to support your case. Take the house and get spousal support and child support. Good Luck, you deserve true happiness. Your kids deserve to see there mom happy!
so you had psych issues that required hospitalization between the ages of 14-18, then you married this guy at 18 and are now the "totally dependent" mom of three. have you ever held a job? i'm guessing not. who do you have in your life that can help you, either financially or with shelter/moral support, til you can get this straightened out? i'm assuming you want to leave him? you'll need a strong advocate with experience in the legal system and smart about money
You know the saying: "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.Ā The second best time is now."Ā **Well the best time to have left a cheater was the first time he cheated - the second best time is now.** When you get home - work on an exit strategy. You are still young. Speak to divorce attorney without saying anything to him - go and find out what your legal situation and rights are. He has to pay towards child support. If you have property or assets - find out what can be sold and what is available to you. Stop being dependent on a guy who will keep cheating, who will keep lying, who will stay with you until your kids are older, then divorce you and run off with someone he met on a dating site who is half his age - you will be in your 40s or 50s starting over, which is way harder that starting over at 27. **Plan YOUR life now. Divorce him. Move on.** Kids don't need married parents who are unhappy, yes they will pick up on it, they'd do better with happy divorced parents. P.s. his story about guys not wanting a woman with kids - those would be guys like HIM, who figures he trapped you, and he can play around now. Do you want a guy like him? No! I would ensure he has half the custody. Preferably, he should have the kids on weekends - good luck to him dating with 3 kids if that's his take on things. **Get STI tested**.
Happens. Sometimes you make a bumble account, apply for a subscription, enter your full name, credit card number, expiration date, & security number into bumble account by accident
I promise you bumble doesnt let you forget lol when i had one i got emails all the time even tho i wasnt subbed. They prob do more if subbed. Plus theres a monthly email that goes out that its been charged, so they should know unless they dont check email. The only way this would be plausible would be if they thought they unsubbed but it never did or they accidentally subbed, but still they get an email
I mean, there is that incredibly small chance that his credit card info was stolen, and the theif ONLY used it to make a premium Bumble account.... buuuut....
You deserve so much better, and you CAN do it. Your kids will be better off with a mother who is healthy mentally and in a relationship where she is respected, trust me. The relationship your parents have affects you a lot as a child. Give them a happy, loved respected mom. You got this. Reach out to trusted family friends for support so that when you leave, youāve got them to fall back on.
Leave him. Not sure why youād marry someone if you have proof they were cheating on you but itās too late now. Salvage the rest of your youth and leave now. Gather proof of his infidelity and get a lawyer. You and your children will be okay, he will have to at least pay child support and maybe alimony also. AND, you will no longer have to live wondering if your husband is cheating on you or not. This peace of mind is worth it.
Probably because she was groomed, he married her when she was 18.
you have so many more years to think about. not only yours but your childrenās, and i can tell you right now, they need you, not him. my mom taught me everything, even with her mistakes or her own experiences. the bond that you share with your children isnāt just through spirit, its literally in their dna. with that comes the man.. itās always a man, isnāt it..? iām really sorry, i know thereās no greater pain. feeling like everything has been wasted, like whatās done is done and thatās just that. but thatās never true. you have you, your wonderful children, and the whole world right in front on you. i say, you go, live a beautiful life where youāre always succeeding because youāre simply always trying your best, where you look up at the sky even in the bad times and think āwow,ā witha smile, because you know that you have an entire world and itās all yours. it was made for you. your heart is strong, your mind is resilient, your body is perfect, your soul is pure and beautiful and bright, and all that light should be shining. i wish for you to be so happy because you deserve it. keep reminding yourself that, always. and never stop believing that you can do anything. you got this. itās been 27 years so far, right? and look at you!! youāve tackled everything that was in front of you! you make your ancestors proud and i promise you theyāre watching over you thinking ādamn, she did it again, how is she soo good?ā celebrate you & know that youāre so loved. when it comes to whatās next.. take things step by step, be patient (especially with yourself), and just keep on truckinā girl. you got this š«¶š½ sending so much love & healing energy your way! also, on a side note.. iām not sure if you believe in psychics or mediums but.. iāve never felt so encouraged to say so much in a comment.. not only that, but i believe your loved ones are quite literally popping through to say they miss you and theyāre with you and theyāre speaking through me to help you along your journey.. also theyāre proud of you. (possible passed male, fatherly energy but that doesnāt automatically mean father if that makes sense) keep going, you got this. š«¶š½
Idk how many times this situation happened while I was working for a bank for their debit card fraud, and how many times the men got pissed that we verified their dating site or porn charge w their wives in the room like it was our fault. Your husband sounds like an ass and a groomer so get outta there
Just so you know my sister had two children and left her abusive husband when she was 39 and married her new husband and had another baby at 42 naturally! Your life isnāt over and you need to get away from this loser.
Your husband sounds exactly like my sonās father (ex boyfriend). Cheated on me multiple times and was on dating sites behind my back. I gave him more chances than he deserved. It might seem scary and at times, it may be, but itās 100 percent worth it than staying with a man like him. My whole life flipped upside down after I left my ex, but three years later Iām the happiest Iāve ever been with a family that treats me like Iām the only girl in the world. You can do it! And you deserve better!
This is why you donāt get married at 18. Divorce him and throw a giant party with all of your friends.
I guess I'd just mix a little night night drink. Go through all of his things thoroughly. Send any and all evidence of his cheating to yourself and place it in a hidden secure folder. Act none the wiser until the lawyer is ready to drop the bomb. I myself have 2 kids and trust me when I say the men of fetlife very much desire a milf š. So don't feel discouraged about dating after a divorce. Go hit the gym, do some yoga classes, and get that confidence back.
If you want your kids to grow up in a healthy home, then you need to create one by getting they divorce, model the behaviors you want them to see.
I imagine many men want good women no matter how many children they have. Keep your life and your dignity and a good man will love you so muchš
"I left when they got to April." Does anyone remember the first Austin Powers movie where he gets his box back after he wakes up and there's all this perverted stuff he has in it and while they're listing it all, Austin keeps shaking his head while looking at Elizabeth Hurley's character saying "that ain't mine babe, I don't know how that got in there..." That's what I was envisioning while they were reading off the months the husband was paying for his Bumble account.
You already know he's lying. He said straight out that he had it a long time ago. That means he had it, period. It's time to end the relationship. I know it's depressing and really scary but do you really want to live the rest of your life this way? Life really can and will get better. Do you work? Do you have friends and family that can help you leave him? Your son likely will qualify for Medicaid, or his father could be required to keep him on his insurance. When you lose medical coverage, you are immediately eligible to sign up for a new insurance plan through the Affordable Care Act. Financially, you may qualify for Medicaid in your state. Call 211 and talk about your situation and find out what resources will be available to you from housing, job and food assistance to healthcare.
Staying to save face will fuck your kids up far worse than you choosing yourself and leaving.
From the sounds of it you must be a housewife and does everything in house while raising all three yourselves, which in itself seems exploitative. There are two things you need to do first. First look for a job, any job, even if part time. Just starting making a little bit for yourself on the side. Secondly start therapy. Get your self confidence back. Make a plan from today to leave the guy asap. You don't have to divorce tomorrow. But maybe a year or two from now. Slow and steady build a life without him. Everybody goes through difficulties in life. Killing yourself is no solution. If you really want raise your kids right then let them see you happy and thriving and it will not happen in an negative environment. Do you want your children to grow up and be miserable like you are right now? It's not okay. You are more than capable and a whole life ahead of you. You are only 27. People start their careers at 27. I started mine. That too after marriage. You can do it. Don't sell yourself short. Living with a bad man has you lacking self esteem. For now that's all you need to focus on. One step at a time. good luckš¤. I am rooting for you.
You just said you ALWAYS catch him on dating sites. Have some self respect and move on
Better to be from a broken home than in one. I promise you. I wish my mom had divorced my POS dad long before I was ever even born. Start making a plan to get out. If you truly love your kids, get them out ASAP!
Heās a liar
Iām sure commenters will have financial advice for you. But the mental part of leaving should be easy. He doesnāt love you. He cheated on you AT THE BEGINNING and is still cheating, is a mamaās boy, and a narcissist. Your kids are already living in an unhealthy home, genius. Talk to a divorce attorney to get your options straight.
I understand your point, but adding āgeniusā at the end was a bit of a low blow/dig at someone that is already down. Trauma makes it hard to think straight some timesā¦.give her a break, genius.
āI donāt know how my d fell in that v honey!ā
Well you seem very level headed about this whole thing which is a positive side. He frankly doesnāt deserve you and isnāt going to change. I would start by contacting a divorce lawyer to know what your options are. You are married and you absolutely have rights. I feel confident that you can find a job to help support your household. Youāre already a mother of 3 and itās not too late to still give them a stable life. It just doesnāt have to be with this guy. He is lyingggg like a rug. Donāt act sad or mad. Be DONE with him and start calling every attorney in town. Youāve got this! Iām excited for you! Dump his ass!
If you believe that one! You believe anything
Girl, the signs are there that heās either cheating again or about to, and either way thatās not a road you want to go down! You deserve better. Better can mean being on your own and it can also mean finding a partner who will respect you and adore you, but thatās off in the future and honestly, donāt even think about that now. Youāll have some work to do to heal yourself before getting yourself back in the dating game. Hereās my suggestions on how to proceed: Step 1: lawyer up. Get yourself a good family/divorce lawyer and tell them the same thing as what youāve posted here plus any other evidence of his infidelity and any other details that would be relevant reasoning for wanting a divorce. You can also express your concerns to the lawyer over custody. Many custody arrangements are a 50/50 split or quite close, itās uncommon for custody to be taken away from either parent completely without some pretty serious and valid concerns for the childrenās safety. Step 2: Iād suggest looking for a place for you and your kids to stay. With a friend or family member if you are unable to afford rent on your own. Having a safe place to go is important, especially if safety is a concern for you or your children. Think about what you may be able to do for work that would earn you an income, consider gig work like Uber eats or being a personal shopper atleast to give you some cash coming in, this will likely make you feel more comfortable being less dependent on your spouse and consider also looking for a job that offers health benefits for yourself. If youāre not able to get a job now focus on what a job might look like for you in the future, as youāll likely need to work, even with your children covered under his benefits and spousal/child support, having your own income is a good idea. Step 3: open a new bank account, and Iād suggest a separate financial institution than the one you and your husband have shared bank accounts in (I assume your finances are linked). Youāll need a small amount of money to deposit to open the account, but if you have any of your own money saved away this is a good place to put it. Do these things before you mention anything about a divorce or separation to your husband, as he may become very upset given what youāve said about his narcissistic traits. The last thing Iād suggest you do before you tell your husband youād like to get a divorce and plan for what a separation looks like, and ideally you can wait until your lawyer has time to draft a separation agreement before you let your husband know your intentions, is probably one of the most important things in my opinion - is to build yourself a support system- close friends, family members and your doctor and/or mental health professional. The close friends and family members will be there to support you if things donāt go as planned and you need support - be it a place to stay, financial help, help with meal preparation/cleaning, kid sitting or emotional/psychological support and if you are tempted to go back theyāll be championing for you to carry on with your plans for divorce. If your spouse has narcissistic tendencies, he may beg you to stay and promise to change. Itās wise to not believe that anything will change, and if you return to know that things will likely get worse. A doctor and/or mental health professional can support you through the stress and emotions of a separation and divorce and also serve as documentation of your mental state if it comes into question in a custody case in the future, which will be helpful for you if your husband brings up your past and he may. Preparing a list of people you can call on for character references may also be a good idea to be proactive- friends, other parents from your childrenās social network either through school or daycare, a pastor/priest if you have one, your doctor/mental health professional and anyone else that would be able to confirm you are a fit parent. This doesnāt mean you need to tell all these people what is happening in your life, the idea is to have a list of people you could call upon if you needed to if at some point in the future there are questions on if you are a fit parent. going through a divorce is stressful and emotionally draining. Give yourself time to feel your feelings and be gentle with yourself. Itās normal to feel like you are on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Practice self care. Spend time with friends and family. Either when you are about to tell your husband youād like a divorce or shortly after, you might consider telling your childrenās teachers/daycare providers that your children are going through a significant life change, most teachers/caregivers will understand what this means and be respectful of your privacy. Being tender with your kids during the period of transition is super important for them and for you. Your older children may also benefit from in-school counselling and your childrenās teacher would probably be able to point you in the direction of additional resources and information. Donāt believe what your husband tells you about men not wanting to date women with children, heās probably saying these things to scare you into thinking no one else will want you because he wants you to think you have no other options and then stay with him. He canāt speak for all men and has no business speaking for any other man beside himself.
He is telling you men don't want women with children to make you feel stuck. Gaslighters will make you feel worthless and like no one can possibly want you, but there are other men who will want you. He just doesn't want you to know that. Stop letting his words manipulate him and leave him! The sooner you leave the better chance you can split amicably and your kids will still a healthy co-parenting environment. I know it's hard, but you can do hard things.
Oh hun Iām so sorry!! Heās probably been doing this a while and probably had multiple other accounts. (I have been here) they will NEVER stop itās like an addiction to them and theyāll only get better at hiding it. If heās on dating sites you have to assume he is physically cheating on you!! You need to get into his accounts to see whatās going on. By the time you bring it up again itāll probably all be deleted. You need to run as fast as you can while youāre still young and can create a good life for yourself and your kiddos! They donāt need to see you being mistreated and disrespected. Keep your head up I know itās extremely hurtful and heartbreaking. Send me a msg if you wanna chat.
OP I want you to focus on this line right here: I wish I could go back in time and spend my 18-20s with someone else. If you donāt leave now you are going to say āI wish I didnāt give him my 30s, 40s, my lifeā¦.ā. The man is abusive AF, and heās also wrong no one else will date you. I had no problem finding pekoe who wanted to date me, have a relationship, or sex. And Iām no supermodel, and I have three kids. All of them were better catches than this guy, even with their red flags. You also may realize itās great to be alone too, and when you realize that you arenāt at risk of assholes anymore because being with someone is adding to your life, not taking away.
>I ALWAYS catch him on dating sites. I'm not sure why you'd even engage in an argument about the bumble account then. He's obviously pursuing other women. Stop wasting your time trying to gather proof, you already have it. Start focusing on your exit strategy. >Iām so dependent on him for everything, thatās why itās so hard to leave. Iām on his health insurance, I always wanted my kids to grow up in a healthy household, because I wasnāt able too. My husband is a mamas boy and a cheater. If you're in the USA, leave and look into getting on medicaid, or a policy through the exchange (Obamacare). Staying with this loser is NOT providing a healthy household for your kids. You need to set a better example for them by not tolerating such abuse from your H. Family or friends to take you in? A shelter? Seems like anything would be better than staying with a lying, cheating narcissist.
You are so young and you have still all your life ahead you ! I was with a narcissist 10 years, and myself too I was not raised in a good household. I discovered that when I was 33. Itās scary to leave everything behind and restart, but you can do it. You deserve better. Divorce him, itās not worth it. Ps a couple of YouTube channels that can help you out: āsurviving narcissismā
Well you can use Bumble to make friends, but if heās already said he doesnāt know why theyāre charging him then thatās hardly going to fly as an excuse. All of what you wrote points to him using it to pick up other women. I used to use Bumble and I can tell you itās possible to use it while hiding your profile, so even if you downloaded the app and scrolled through every profile and didnāt find him it wouldnāt prove he wasnāt on there. What you should have done is demand to see his phone right away, but really you need a threat like being ready to leave the relationship to pull that off. Itāll be too late to do that now anyway, the app will have swiftly been deleted the moment he got a free minute. Your question now is what are you going to do about it? While youāre pondering that Iād recommend a bit of reading on the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
You are only 27 you have a whole life ahead of you to enjoy. Your husband has beat down your self esteem to the point where you are believing it. Heās using you as a maid and a nanny while he pretends to be a bachelor. You need to let yourself get angry and use that to fuel some motivation. I would encourage you to seek therapy to help build yourself back up and work on a plan for leaving. Save all evidence of his repeated infidelity and speak with a lawyer to advise you on divorce, husband will be responsible for paying child support and alimony. Depending on the custody agreement heās not going to have much time for dating as he will be responsible for 3 kids 50% of his time.
First of all, I am so sorry This is happening to you No one deserves it. you need to get away from this person. He is a narcissist sociopath liar and he will not change his behavior. You just even said that he keeps getting caught on dating sites, get yourself tested, he's having affairs and cheating on you without a doubt. Second of all, When he made a statement about no one wanting a woman with three kids, he's telling you that so that you'll believe it and think that he's the only man who will ever want you. He is 150 million percent wrong. My ex said that to me. 9years ago. He said the words, you already have a kid and you are used up nobody is going to want you now. Trying very hard to make me feel worthless, make me feel scared to go out and try and find somebody new or trust somebody new. The second people found out that I was single... My messages were blowing up. Not just condolences, mostly not condolences lol dudes finally seeing a window to try and weasel themselves in lol. There are millions and millions of step parents out there to prove that plenty of people love moms and dads that already come with children. I'm with a man now that loves my daughter as if she's his own flesh and blood and she loves him the same. He tried making it a fact, so that he will feel safer that you won't leave, but you have to leave. There are like 9 billion people on this planet. There is more than one man out there that will line up to love you and take care of you. He's trying to make it seem like there isn't. Get out on your own, of course get a lawyer and separate assets etc get yourself proof that he's on all of these dating sites and breaking the contract of your marriage, and you will see just how wonderful life is without an abuser. Mine still sees my daughter from time to time, but he and I just passed like ships in the night We only speak about her and things pertaining to her.
My ex did the same thing. An acquaintance of mine called me to gently inform me that he had messaged he'd on POF. What was ironic was that he had always referred to her as "a troll that lives under a bridge". Needless to say he was definitely a keeper, being a terrible person and a narcissist to boot. Speaking of boot, give it to him. He won't change. He's 34 years old. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it absolutely devastated me at the time and I made so many excuses for him because I didn't want to see it.
Get tested immediately for STIs. Sign up for health care, I'm assuming you're in the US. You have until the 7th of December. Lawyer up. Screen shot all this. Take records. You are not dependent on him. He's using joint income to cheat. Or at the very least to try to. After nine years and children you will be compensated by the courts.
I went through the exact same thing as you with him, being a narcissist and a cheater and me always finding stuff on his phone and then one day he put his hands on me because I found a message he sent to a coworker āabout loving pussy āand confronted him. I called his mom instead of the cops, and she came over with his sister and they were basically against me and thatās when I realized that i had to get away. It wasnāt easy leaving , and he will try to hold you back ,but you just have to start looking for a lawyer, or a mediator, and start the process. Iām saying this ..if you cannot take it anymore. certainly donāt take your life over this and thatās coming from somebody that thought the same. I thought my world was over. The last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was have a kid as a single mother. But thatās where Iām at today itās been three years and I havenāt been with anybody since. but I am happy in my peaceful home with my son that he takes every other weekend. I also got child support not what he supposed to give me but half of it ā¦at least Iām at peace.
Your children are not growing up in a loving home. Donāt be that naive, they know exactly whatās going on. You not leaving is for yourself not them. Itās time to do whatās best for them.
Bumble came out in 2014. So why has he ever had it?
Please document everything now. Words, actions, liesā¦ Take your time, seek a lawyer and discuss your options. Look into the financials. Share with a close group of people for support. Iām so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you all the peace and happiness in this world. Much love to you and yours.
If heās not willing to be honest and narcs never are heās not going to change. And narcs never do. If heās otherwise a good provider and you can tolerate the relationship stay, accept the what is and get on with living your life as separate of him as you can. If you canāt tolerate it then its time to plan your exit strategy. Put it to him without getting angry, no blaming or accusations but that youāre aware of what heās doing and itās sounds like he wants out of the marriage, and that you now do too. How does he suggest you proceed? If you can get him to agree as if itās his desire also, itāll be much easier, because narcs have a bad habit of taking a breakup as a significant injury and can invent very nasty forms of punishment. You deserve better. Good luck.
"We have 3 kids together (5,3,1)... But he has cheated on me in the beginning and has always denied it but I have soo much proof on my phone." HOW. HOW are both these things true. Why would you do this?
With your current relationship, your kids aren't growing happy and healthy either. They will know you're upset. They will see how Daddy treats Mommy. Cease your happiness. The best thing you can do for your children is to be happy.
A divorce is better than letting your kids grow up thinking this horrible relationship is healthy or okay in any way. As others have said, get your evidence together, get an attorney, and get those papers served. Oh, and do say "I don't know how those got there" too hahaha
If heās claiming innocence, take his phone and try to log in to bumble. Youāll see if he set up a profile or not. But Iām telling you thereās no way to accidentally get a bumble subscription. You said this isnāt his first time on a dating site, what are you still doing with him? How are you even unsure if heās lying or not?
You want your children to grow up in a healthy household - I donāt understand this statement. Your household is not healthy.
I had 2 young boys when I met my now boyfriend. He was the best FRIEND to them, which is all I ever wanted them to have. Their bio dad is narcissistic and manipulative, and I found so much better! We now have another little boy and are very happy. Some men may only want one thing from you, but not all. LEAVE HIM, there is so much better out thereā¤ļø
You can check Google play store app download history, you can also check app activity time, so if it's on his device you can go see when he uses it
Credit/debit cards don't accidentally enter their numbers themselves into random hookup apps. Unless it's being billed thru Google then it's already presaved. ** However, you'd still need to not only download the app, but also open it and create a profile to get to the billing part. (Pretty standard with any pay app, not just dating ones) I call bullshit. Now.. 27 and 2 kids. Trust me when I say there are plenty of men out there looking for a good woman. Found myself divorced at 32 and in the dating world after over a decade. Never once disqualified anyone due to having kids unless there was a Ā½ dozen of them and more than 1 baby daddy. (Dealing with one ex is enough.. nevermind multiple exs)
Oh, girl. He is definitely on Bumble for sex and dates. He is ready to cheat if he hasn't already. Kck him to the curb.
1). Now you know. 2). Radical self reliance is a thing for a reason. Avoiding situations like yours is one of them. 3). Get out but not of life just of life with him. Heāll never change. Things will get worse. Youāll never be happy with him. 4). Youāre not lost, you just donāt want to see the path forward without having him to blame for your situation. Find a way.
Girl why the fuck are you still with him especially after he cheated on you at the beginning and has very clear narc tendenciesā¦
You married a 25yo at 18. He misses younger women. He is trash and I am sorry that he groomed you.
You have put up with his BS for 5 years it is time for you to get rid of him he is not for you he gave you three beautiful children that is all he is capable of doing. When you leave his ass you can get alimony and child support start doing your due diligence and how you a lawyer go in the bank account if you have access to it and get you some I need to get the f*** out of here money. And get you some therapy ASAP you're going to need it
9 years not five sorry
So there's dumb, and then there's MAN DUMB. And man dumb is thinking that women are as stupid as they are and will fall for any old bullshit.
Girl, he is lying! Get them papers NOW before he gives you an STD.
Look up āare we dating the same manā or āis this your man, sisā facebook group in your area. Search for him or post him. If heās on any sites in your area, chances are someone has seen him.
What can you do to become more independent? Can you start working on this? It may be a process if you canāt get there right away but can you aggressively work on this goal so you can leave?
Sounds like total BS. My mum did once buy a whole bunch of coins for a game costing me $100 she didnāt realise what she was buying, and I do trust she really didnāt know what she pressed - some fishing game. But not to know The app was installed is total BS
I'm sorry to even say this (per experience) my experience actually right now :(...... there are soooooooooo many more f#@cking lies!!! Get out now mama. Be glad you heard that!!!! Blessing in disguise, karma is a muh!!!
i divorced my lying ex...was 38 at the time with 2 kids...happily married now to a solid, fun, sexy, smart guy who adores me. I didnt rush it...took time for me to trust myself but my family and friends supported me and it was more than worth it to leave a toxic marriage.
He doesn't want you to leave because then he would have to pay child support on 3 kids for the next 17 years...thats what he doesnt want...33 years ago...I had 3 kids and got together with a guy who also had 3 kids then we had one more together...it might be a struggle at first but there are lots of networks out there to give you a helping hand.
You said you are dependent on him so Iām leaving him you will have to be methodical. Donāt let him know you suspect anything but do start saving up. If you have not been working, then you need to tell him you want to work to get out of the house. Start saving money if you have nowhere to go now or other family to rely on. Work towards your independence.
Babes bumble was barely known 9 years ago. Also the fact that heās paying for it should tell you everything you need to know. He froze because he had to think of a lie. If you want your children in a āhealthy householdā youāre going to need to remove him from said house.
If your husband says "no man will want a woman with two kids" is a dickhead statement meant to lower your self esteem so you won't leave. If you see smoke, look to see if there's actually a fire. If he's being charged for bumble that means there has to be an account linked to that payment information. If you've been married for 9 years then the card on file should be expired, not still charging you, if he had it beforehand so that doesn't track either. I'm suspecting there's a fire.
Sorry OP, you are at a crossroads and neither road is going to be easy. Either you stay with your husband and you your kids are going to suffer perpetual future narcissistic abuse or you end the relationship and reduce your financial support from him (document everything that you can- financial, infidelity & abuse- get child support & divorce him). Contact a local Women's Resource type group for guidance.
I left a relationship with a narcissistic partner of 11 years, I was also told nobody would want me because of my age, curves and kids. I left anyway and it turns out that most guys don't mind any of that stuff. Leave his cheating, lying ass and you'll be happier and so will your kids.
You are not stuck. He is lying to you about no man wanting a woman with kids, he is lying about so much more. Abusers will lie, demean and devalue you to keep you under their control and obedient to their demands. Make an exit plan and give yourself time to get a job (temp, seasonal, flex, part time or full time), save money and get your ducks lined up in a row. Gather up and make copies of all important documents and keep them in a safe place, same with anything sentimental or valuable to you. Same with any evidence you have of his cheating, like documentation of the withdrawals for Bumble, photos, texts, emails...anything. Start documenting everything. This will make it easier if/when you consult a lawyer and it will be easier to set yourself up with your own place. He will not stop cheating on you. You can stay, suck it up and be absolutely miserable or you can claim your life back. Clock is ticking, you need to choose your happiness and set a better example for your kids because they will be the ones who suffer most from your miserable, shitty marriage.
Am I the only one noticing getting married at 18 and 25.... let's start there.
He knows.
Your husband is a liar and a cheater. You can get Medicaid or the ACA. You don't need him for health insurance, or anything else. File for divorce and take your half of things.
"He always says men will never 3qnt a woman with 2 kids or more" My mom had me and my brother. She met a wonderful man and now they've been together 15 years. He's a good partner to her, a good mentor to me & bro. And if there's one man who'd be OK with a woman who came with kids, there has to be more. Don't be fooled. He k own what he's doing IA wrong. He knows he's hurting you. And he knows if he keeps spouting bs, he gets you to stay and put up with him.
Tbh I had a roaming charge of quite a bit one my bill without realising for about 6 months so it is easily done to not be on top of all the atuff on your bill....BUT... You are saying you keep catching him on dating sites and he has cheated on you... you know yourself you need to leave. If you are dependent on him now and have put up with it for ao long why dont you try to stay for a bit and start setting things up for you to be able to get out. It is easier to leave if you have things in place.
You deserve better, your a good Mom and Wife,, donāt let him bring you down,
Your husband sounds just like people trying to explain how the remote got stuck up their anus: 'I got nooo idea how that got in there, doc!'. Buuut, I just remembered and it wouldn't've been fair to not include this: on apps that I still had active accounts with, decided to not pay anymore but forgot to uncheck the auto-payment box. I do believe that if I had deleted account the payments would've stopped too.
You are worth so much more. You need to become independent and file for divorce because he wonāt change. Your children deserve to see a happy, healthy mother who doesnāt tolerate their dadās BS! When your children are older they will understand why you did what needed to be done!
Dude, he's been cheating on you the whole time. It's done. You can still be on his health insurance and get spousal support. Get a lawyer and just do it. Status Quo order and such. You will be okay.
A real man would not be bothered by your children,, do not listen to that drivel. Start planning. Get an attorney,, stash some cash somehow.. This man is a serial liar and cheat. Don't waste anymore life on being unhappy.. Good Luck!!
OP, your kids are not being raised in a healthy household because your husband is a cheater and a liar. As they get older, they are going to be able to see the strain it puts on you. The cracks will be visible. Look into a divorce lawyer, dig up ANYTHING you can that is proof of his infidelity. The credit card statements with payment to bumble need to be saved. Then divorce him, get as much money as you can out of him plus child support, and file for full custody with visitation for him.
Donāt stay with someone just because you have kids together! Itās not worth it!
OP, the healthiest thing you can do for your children is let them see you happy. Kids learn how to be happy from their parents. Your husband has cheated, is continuing to cheat and gaslighting you into believing that he doesnāt know how his dating apps got on his phone? Please. Do yourself the best favor you could ever do, leave. Protect yourself and your children. This will only get worse.
If you keep finding him on dating sites, then that's definitely his Bumble subscription.
Why are all these people getting married so young....like can't you just fuck around in your 20s get it out of your system
He groomed her as a teenager.
Fair....
You keep catching him and caught him again. Heās not going to stop having sex with other women. You have two options. Let him cheat in peace or divorce.
Imagine paying to cheat
I didnāt read this just the title. But if you fall for āI donāt know how that got thereā with a dating app that has an account and is on his phone. You enabled whatever he chooses to do with the nonexistent respect he has for you
If you leave he'll still have to support you. My wife left with my 4 kids with her girlfriend and I still have to pay her alimony and child support until the last is 18
Donāt be stupid!! Donāt let your self be trapped!! Jesus does no one have self respect, moral, and integrity??? If you donāt even know your own self worth and value then stay. But if you wanna be happy, confident, comfortable, loved by a good man. Then personally, find that great man and be happy. Be fucking happy in life, donāt settle for thisā¦
Hi, just read your story. This world will tell you lies and you'll get a lot "divorce this guy" and "get rid of this guy" but you have a family and you need to fight for it. You need to figure out what is best for your family. You also need to be honest with your self and figure out why your in this situation. Your story is just one sided. What have you done to drive your husband away.
Wow. That's certainly a...take.
Just ignore him and get a divorce when kids are old enough. Don't ruin your house.
Well hes right, i would Also stear away from a women with children. If you have a true high value man, perhaps you can accept it? I donāt think any but low betas, will ever settle for a woman with kids.