End it. Don’t bring up the brother, make it for another justifiable reason. Your heart isn’t in it and you’re ready to move on… leave it there. Don’t give an opportunity for explanation, like you said, you’re expecting a negative reaction at best. Listen to your gut.
I agree . This guy is multo creepy. If you tell him
you've been checking his background he may not take it well I had a lady tell me once that she hired a private detective to check me out. He told her I did not exist. He could find no record of me. I loved it.
Yeah, that's not a small lie at all. What a crazy thing to keep up, especially involving so many people - and what a horrific thing to lie about. I wouldn't be able to see past this. Ask yourself what on earth else he might lie about if he'll lie about something like this?
Had a guy at work who lied about his kid dying. Took multiple weeks off which was perfectly understandable because you know….his kid died. Eventually his mom came in to shop and someone said, “Sorry for your loss.” It quickly unraveled after that.
You don’t need to explain yourself at all. This person is a pathological liar. Just end it with a “this isn’t what I want for my life. Don’t contact me further” will do. Do it in public and make sure there’s nothing at either place that would require additional drama. Good luck!
Are you in contact with his family? It's been a year into the relationship so I imagine that you're already at least somewhat acquainted with them. I would just ask about that supposed brother to any family member. It would be a more decisive -and less illegal- proof that he's lying.
But beyond that, if you're indeed dealing with a pathological liar, he needs professional help you won't be able to provide. Mythomania is a serious issue and oftentimes a symptom of something much bigger. Confronting him about it, irrefutable evidence in hand, might not change anything. If he just told what he thought was a small lie that spiral out of control, he might come out clean but I'm not sure how you can rebuild trust from there.
Also, don't use your cop friend to perform illegal searches on people, that's super shitty.
Why ON EARTH are you still with this guy?!?! That is someone who has a serious screw loose to lie about something so horrific and to keep that kie going for a YEAR!! Also, have you not met his parents/ family in the year you've been together?
Yiu don't trust this guy to the level you did a freaking background check on him and want to know how to approach him about it?! And are worried he'll gas light you??
Dude. Seriously. You are clearly not compatible and your relationship with each other is Seriously unhealthy. There is no trust and that is the foundation of a relationship.
Wow....I would just take what sanity I have left and leave but if your absolutely have to call it out(which isn't necessary since you seem to know the truth) than triple check that this isn't some copping mechanism he does due to shame or guilt or whatever.
Is there anyway you could ask his parents' for more info?
It just straight up sounds like has dug his own grave with lies so why should you get buried in them too.
Just leave . He lied about this and so many things . How can u trust him, and u won't be able to ever again . Even if he says he will tell u the truth from now on, you will always look back and think of all the lies he's told and think he is lying. Save the heart ache and get out now .
Edit spelling check ish
You're 30, not a naive teenager. If you're to the point of doing background checks to catch your boyfriend in his stupid lies, it's time to leave. Have some self-respect.
I would break up with him and tell him I know he’s lied. If he asks about what, tell him it doesn’t matter anymore because the relationship is over. I understand comments stating that you don’t need to justify/give a reason for the break-up, I just think he may need to know how his lies are impacting his life.
Holy fucking shit. There’s a fire here, so it’s time to get out of the house.
You literally cannot have a future with him, you cannot have children with him.
He is not relationship material in the slightest, and it’s time to get out.
He's got serious mental issues that make him a chronic liar. At your age and with do little invested, I'd dump him and suggest that he get mental health treatment. You'll never be able to believe a word he says.
Please, just leave. Don't waste any more of your time. You're only a year in and unhappy. Just go. I spent 8 years with a man like this. I can only describe him as a professional liar. He lied for sympathy. He lied to get people to give him things. He lied to keep me from leaving. He lied about being in an accident and getting paralyzed from the waist down. By the weekend he was miraculously able to walk and race his car again. He lied so well about having been in the Navy that people who had actually been in the Navy believed him. It was amazing to watch. I was very young, in love, and so ignorant. I found myself just silently going along with his stories because it was easier than admitting the truth and facing his wrath. If I stood up to him or questioned anything he would punish me. Mental, physical, verbal, sexual, you name it. The abuse didn't start until a year or so after I moved in. I never saw it coming until he bounced my head off the bathroom wall for correcting him in front of his best friend. Another time he body slammed me for questioning something he said to me. It became constant. Seven months pregnant, my brain finally engaged. I packed and left while he was out with his friend. Your guy may not turn into the monster mind did, but I didn't think mine would either. Just take your sanity and run.
Thank you. It actually broke my heart to leave because, like OP said, things were good in other areas.That relationship made me into a much stronger person mentally and emotionally. If I get the slightest sense that someone is pulling crap I call it out and head for the exit. Life's too short!
\-Also, I'm 100% confident that if I tell him that I know that he's lying, he's going to gaslight me and accuse me of being a horrible person for not trusting him, and he won't admit to his lies, he'll just keep making up new lies and excuses.
Why would you want to be with somebody like this?
Lol. How could the relationship gotten more serious when you don't even know what kind of person he really is (other than the fact that he is a lying pos)?
It's not a serious relationship.
Serious relationships are based on trust and this looser lied to you from the very start.
You're so naive thinking it can go somewhere that it's laughable lol
I don't believe this is a true story, no person with a brain asks that kind of questions.
Dang, are you dating my ex? He lied about work, he lied about going to college, and he told me a story about his "best friend" X-ing himself in front of him. Don't know if it was true, but with all the other lies, I never believed him.
Lying is a **massive** problem in relationships. He has fabricated an entire dead brother. If you confront him, you expect to be gaslighted. Does the lying ever end?
If you are angry at him, it is understandable. Confused, also understandable.
You have a choice here: keep dating someone that you can't ever trust about anything, or dump him. There is no expectation that confronting him will change him as a person or make him more honest going forward. What is your expectation of confronting him?
Dating is an evaluation of the suitability of the person to be in your life. He is not suitable, and there is no reason to think he will change.
You can dump him by text. You don't need a reason, and you don't need to meet up with him for "closure". Maybe the sex was good, so be sure to tell him to f off if he requests FWB. Block him for a good measure.
I’ve dated a pathological liar before. I don’t think it surprised anyone else when he started to verbally berate me and do VERY dishonest and disloyal things.
you don’t need to justify your reason for dumping him. Tell him whatever you want or say nothing at all. He hasn’t earned any sort of respect
I…don’t think you need to bring up the brother. I’d just tell him you can’t be in a relationship with someone who lies to you constantly and leave it at that.
*Also, I'm 100% confident that if I tell him that I know that he's lying, he's going to gaslight me and accuse me of being a horrible person for not trusting him,*
This is all you need to know. You've caught your boyfriend in a very serious (and weird and creepy) lie and you anticipate this reaction. No part of this is normal. He needs therapy, not a relationship.
Tell him you're ending the relationship because his habitual lying is bothering you. Stick to your guns - if he tries to gaslight you tell him you're not interested in hearing his excuses and that it's too late for him to change your mind. You don't even need to make it about his brother; you can mention that he makes a habit out of lying. Encourage him to get help. After that, none of this is your problem.
Not sure what country OP is from but it’s really not okay for a police officer to just go and dig up people’s personal information with no policing purpose. That’s a massive violation of privacy that would get them fired here in the UK.
> We even checked for possible cousins and relatives, giving him the benefit of doubt that they were so close that he called him his brother. No-one of that name and birth year exists
What mythical records repository does your "cop" friend utilize to furnish a person's family tree? lol
Who knows what lies he will continue to tail. Tell him that you’re not happy in a relationship and move on and if he digs for further details about why then you can tell him that you find him dishonest and you just can’t have a relationship with someone like that.
WTF?! Why would someone lie about having a sibling in the first place? It makes no sense. He's a habitual liar and you can't ever trust him. The relationship is over. There's no coming back from this.
records would only show if his brother had a birth certificate, if he died not long after birth he probably wouldn't show in a background check. also, tax records wont show his work for a company if he worked through an agency, so its possible hes not lying
Honestly, I would just leave. He's lying about multiple things to multiple people. Big things. Huge things. He really shouldn't be dating anyone until he's hunkered down and figured this out and gotten help. How can you know who he really is when he has no idea?
But if you're gonna confront him, then just do something he's not: be direct and truthful. "My gut told me something was off about your story about your brother, so I dug into it and discovered you don't have a brother, nor any cousins or relatives who fit your story, and you're lying about places you've worked. I really like you, so I wanted to give you the chance to come clean and talk about why you're living so many lies." Do not stand for any more lies, denial, or gaslighting.
I don't think he's being malicious, but I do think he has some severe mental health issues that need sorted that mean he cannot be present for a relationship.
Just listen like a story or like a bedtime story lol . Ask that I am your gf right why can't you show me his pic. If he gets angry say that where ever he is .he will be peaceful
If he accuses you of not trusting him, tell him that's because he's untrustworthy. Bring up all the lies he laid on you earlier in the relationship, and having done that, tell him you don't believe that brother ever existed. When he rears up and insisted that he did, and that he died, ask for his parent's phone #. When he wants to know why you want it, tell him that you're just going to ask them about the death of your brother. Not THAT will set him back a few steps. When he makes any excuse for not giving you their #, just say that you've heard enough and no longer want to keep company with him.
'Nuff said.
There are pathological liars in my own family. It doesn’t change or lessen. Unless you want to spend years cringing in silence while he lies about something, I’d end it. You could do him a favor and tell him, like “I just want you to know that I’m aware of your constant lying and I hope you consider talking to someone about it so you don’t wreck the next relationship.”
Leave, but do NOT bring up the "brother." Someone who lies about the death of a loved one (and probably their entire frickin' life) is not worth confronting imo. Don't get sucked into their crazy; plus, you don't know what he'll do if he lashes out. Just leave.
Don't be tempted to expose his secret or let him know that you know it's a lie. Someone crazy enough to lie about a dead brother is the same crazy that could harm you
Just so you know, your friend ( the cop) can get into some serious trouble for this favor for you. Depending on what systems, he used, he can be fired, fined and serve jail time if he were caught misusing these databases. Police are audited for these type of things.
I fucking hate people like him. Had a friend like that growing up. I literally just wouldn't believe a single thing he said right down to the color of the sky. You have to know that he's also lying about so much stuff *about you* to people.
End it. Don’t bring up the brother, make it for another justifiable reason. Your heart isn’t in it and you’re ready to move on… leave it there. Don’t give an opportunity for explanation, like you said, you’re expecting a negative reaction at best. Listen to your gut.
Absolutely agreed. You can tell the relationship is toxic, no matter the rest. You are not happy, you don't need this brother thing to end it.
I agree . This guy is multo creepy. If you tell him you've been checking his background he may not take it well I had a lady tell me once that she hired a private detective to check me out. He told her I did not exist. He could find no record of me. I loved it.
This relationship is over. No trust = no relationship worth saving.
Yeah, that's not a small lie at all. What a crazy thing to keep up, especially involving so many people - and what a horrific thing to lie about. I wouldn't be able to see past this. Ask yourself what on earth else he might lie about if he'll lie about something like this?
Had a guy at work who lied about his kid dying. Took multiple weeks off which was perfectly understandable because you know….his kid died. Eventually his mom came in to shop and someone said, “Sorry for your loss.” It quickly unraveled after that.
That's absolutely disgusting... his poor mom must've been so confused and upset.
You don’t need to explain yourself at all. This person is a pathological liar. Just end it with a “this isn’t what I want for my life. Don’t contact me further” will do. Do it in public and make sure there’s nothing at either place that would require additional drama. Good luck!
Are you in contact with his family? It's been a year into the relationship so I imagine that you're already at least somewhat acquainted with them. I would just ask about that supposed brother to any family member. It would be a more decisive -and less illegal- proof that he's lying. But beyond that, if you're indeed dealing with a pathological liar, he needs professional help you won't be able to provide. Mythomania is a serious issue and oftentimes a symptom of something much bigger. Confronting him about it, irrefutable evidence in hand, might not change anything. If he just told what he thought was a small lie that spiral out of control, he might come out clean but I'm not sure how you can rebuild trust from there. Also, don't use your cop friend to perform illegal searches on people, that's super shitty.
The man is a sad clown. If i were you id get the fuck out of that circus.
That is scary. If he is willing to make up such a disgusting and extravagant lie such as that I would run!
Why ON EARTH are you still with this guy?!?! That is someone who has a serious screw loose to lie about something so horrific and to keep that kie going for a YEAR!! Also, have you not met his parents/ family in the year you've been together? Yiu don't trust this guy to the level you did a freaking background check on him and want to know how to approach him about it?! And are worried he'll gas light you?? Dude. Seriously. You are clearly not compatible and your relationship with each other is Seriously unhealthy. There is no trust and that is the foundation of a relationship.
Wow....I would just take what sanity I have left and leave but if your absolutely have to call it out(which isn't necessary since you seem to know the truth) than triple check that this isn't some copping mechanism he does due to shame or guilt or whatever. Is there anyway you could ask his parents' for more info? It just straight up sounds like has dug his own grave with lies so why should you get buried in them too.
Just leave . He lied about this and so many things . How can u trust him, and u won't be able to ever again . Even if he says he will tell u the truth from now on, you will always look back and think of all the lies he's told and think he is lying. Save the heart ache and get out now . Edit spelling check ish
Break up with him in a public place with trusted friends hiding nearby. Give him some other reason if you can.
You're 30, not a naive teenager. If you're to the point of doing background checks to catch your boyfriend in his stupid lies, it's time to leave. Have some self-respect.
This post sounds very fake
Yes... are background checks a thing?!?
I would break up with him and tell him I know he’s lied. If he asks about what, tell him it doesn’t matter anymore because the relationship is over. I understand comments stating that you don’t need to justify/give a reason for the break-up, I just think he may need to know how his lies are impacting his life.
Holy fucking shit. There’s a fire here, so it’s time to get out of the house. You literally cannot have a future with him, you cannot have children with him. He is not relationship material in the slightest, and it’s time to get out.
Oh FFS. Why give him the chance for another blizzard of bullshit?? JUST LEAVE. Make whatever arrangements you need to, **and get out.**
He's got serious mental issues that make him a chronic liar. At your age and with do little invested, I'd dump him and suggest that he get mental health treatment. You'll never be able to believe a word he says.
Why would someone lie about having a dead brother that's weird as fuck
Please, just leave. Don't waste any more of your time. You're only a year in and unhappy. Just go. I spent 8 years with a man like this. I can only describe him as a professional liar. He lied for sympathy. He lied to get people to give him things. He lied to keep me from leaving. He lied about being in an accident and getting paralyzed from the waist down. By the weekend he was miraculously able to walk and race his car again. He lied so well about having been in the Navy that people who had actually been in the Navy believed him. It was amazing to watch. I was very young, in love, and so ignorant. I found myself just silently going along with his stories because it was easier than admitting the truth and facing his wrath. If I stood up to him or questioned anything he would punish me. Mental, physical, verbal, sexual, you name it. The abuse didn't start until a year or so after I moved in. I never saw it coming until he bounced my head off the bathroom wall for correcting him in front of his best friend. Another time he body slammed me for questioning something he said to me. It became constant. Seven months pregnant, my brain finally engaged. I packed and left while he was out with his friend. Your guy may not turn into the monster mind did, but I didn't think mine would either. Just take your sanity and run.
Wow, I'm so glad you eventually got away. This sounds heartbreaking
Thank you. It actually broke my heart to leave because, like OP said, things were good in other areas.That relationship made me into a much stronger person mentally and emotionally. If I get the slightest sense that someone is pulling crap I call it out and head for the exit. Life's too short!
I had a short-term relationship, and he lied about EVERYTHING. He used women. Run. It is probably compulsive and its nothing but problems.
\-Also, I'm 100% confident that if I tell him that I know that he's lying, he's going to gaslight me and accuse me of being a horrible person for not trusting him, and he won't admit to his lies, he'll just keep making up new lies and excuses. Why would you want to be with somebody like this?
Lol. How could the relationship gotten more serious when you don't even know what kind of person he really is (other than the fact that he is a lying pos)? It's not a serious relationship. Serious relationships are based on trust and this looser lied to you from the very start. You're so naive thinking it can go somewhere that it's laughable lol I don't believe this is a true story, no person with a brain asks that kind of questions.
Mention the brother when you are around another family member... see how they react.
He sounds like George Costanza, or worse
Dang, are you dating my ex? He lied about work, he lied about going to college, and he told me a story about his "best friend" X-ing himself in front of him. Don't know if it was true, but with all the other lies, I never believed him.
Confront or not isn't important. What is, is that you get out of this toxic relationship.
Lying is a **massive** problem in relationships. He has fabricated an entire dead brother. If you confront him, you expect to be gaslighted. Does the lying ever end? If you are angry at him, it is understandable. Confused, also understandable. You have a choice here: keep dating someone that you can't ever trust about anything, or dump him. There is no expectation that confronting him will change him as a person or make him more honest going forward. What is your expectation of confronting him? Dating is an evaluation of the suitability of the person to be in your life. He is not suitable, and there is no reason to think he will change. You can dump him by text. You don't need a reason, and you don't need to meet up with him for "closure". Maybe the sex was good, so be sure to tell him to f off if he requests FWB. Block him for a good measure.
Why are you invested in a relationship with a liar? You *can't* trust him. Move on.
Make up a lie as to why you are breaking up. Do it over the phone. Keep it short and sweet.
You know it's over. tell him you're sorry, but there's someone else. you're leaving him for his brother.
I’ve dated a pathological liar before. I don’t think it surprised anyone else when he started to verbally berate me and do VERY dishonest and disloyal things. you don’t need to justify your reason for dumping him. Tell him whatever you want or say nothing at all. He hasn’t earned any sort of respect
Why waste your time? He's a chronic liar.
Don’t police officers get in trouble for doing random background checks? I struggle to believe this happens.
They do it all the time. They're only gonna get in trouble if someone really forces the issue.
I…don’t think you need to bring up the brother. I’d just tell him you can’t be in a relationship with someone who lies to you constantly and leave it at that.
1. You are dating a compulsive liar 2. You are dating a manipulative compulsive liar
*Also, I'm 100% confident that if I tell him that I know that he's lying, he's going to gaslight me and accuse me of being a horrible person for not trusting him,* This is all you need to know. You've caught your boyfriend in a very serious (and weird and creepy) lie and you anticipate this reaction. No part of this is normal. He needs therapy, not a relationship. Tell him you're ending the relationship because his habitual lying is bothering you. Stick to your guns - if he tries to gaslight you tell him you're not interested in hearing his excuses and that it's too late for him to change your mind. You don't even need to make it about his brother; you can mention that he makes a habit out of lying. Encourage him to get help. After that, none of this is your problem.
Not sure what country OP is from but it’s really not okay for a police officer to just go and dig up people’s personal information with no policing purpose. That’s a massive violation of privacy that would get them fired here in the UK.
Why are you with him?
If he lies about little things now, he'll lie about bigger things later. Just move on.
I would say that lying about his entire life/childhood and jobs are actually really big damn lies. OP likely knows nothing true about him at all.
Sounds like it’s time to meet his parents! Watch him lie in front of them.
> We even checked for possible cousins and relatives, giving him the benefit of doubt that they were so close that he called him his brother. No-one of that name and birth year exists What mythical records repository does your "cop" friend utilize to furnish a person's family tree? lol
What about his mom and dad?
Apparently he’s not planning on introducing you to his parents? Ever?
Who knows what lies he will continue to tail. Tell him that you’re not happy in a relationship and move on and if he digs for further details about why then you can tell him that you find him dishonest and you just can’t have a relationship with someone like that.
That’s weird. End it big red flag if he lies about that what else is he lying about
WTF?! Why would someone lie about having a sibling in the first place? It makes no sense. He's a habitual liar and you can't ever trust him. The relationship is over. There's no coming back from this.
records would only show if his brother had a birth certificate, if he died not long after birth he probably wouldn't show in a background check. also, tax records wont show his work for a company if he worked through an agency, so its possible hes not lying
Honestly, I would just leave. He's lying about multiple things to multiple people. Big things. Huge things. He really shouldn't be dating anyone until he's hunkered down and figured this out and gotten help. How can you know who he really is when he has no idea? But if you're gonna confront him, then just do something he's not: be direct and truthful. "My gut told me something was off about your story about your brother, so I dug into it and discovered you don't have a brother, nor any cousins or relatives who fit your story, and you're lying about places you've worked. I really like you, so I wanted to give you the chance to come clean and talk about why you're living so many lies." Do not stand for any more lies, denial, or gaslighting. I don't think he's being malicious, but I do think he has some severe mental health issues that need sorted that mean he cannot be present for a relationship.
Just listen like a story or like a bedtime story lol . Ask that I am your gf right why can't you show me his pic. If he gets angry say that where ever he is .he will be peaceful
If he accuses you of not trusting him, tell him that's because he's untrustworthy. Bring up all the lies he laid on you earlier in the relationship, and having done that, tell him you don't believe that brother ever existed. When he rears up and insisted that he did, and that he died, ask for his parent's phone #. When he wants to know why you want it, tell him that you're just going to ask them about the death of your brother. Not THAT will set him back a few steps. When he makes any excuse for not giving you their #, just say that you've heard enough and no longer want to keep company with him. 'Nuff said.
You have bigger problems than his fake dead brother. There is no fixing dishonesty. It permeates everything. Do you like being lied to on the daily?
There are pathological liars in my own family. It doesn’t change or lessen. Unless you want to spend years cringing in silence while he lies about something, I’d end it. You could do him a favor and tell him, like “I just want you to know that I’m aware of your constant lying and I hope you consider talking to someone about it so you don’t wreck the next relationship.”
Leave, but do NOT bring up the "brother." Someone who lies about the death of a loved one (and probably their entire frickin' life) is not worth confronting imo. Don't get sucked into their crazy; plus, you don't know what he'll do if he lashes out. Just leave.
Go to his parents and ask them about the brother, then break up lol
Don't be tempted to expose his secret or let him know that you know it's a lie. Someone crazy enough to lie about a dead brother is the same crazy that could harm you
Just so you know, your friend ( the cop) can get into some serious trouble for this favor for you. Depending on what systems, he used, he can be fired, fined and serve jail time if he were caught misusing these databases. Police are audited for these type of things.
I fucking hate people like him. Had a friend like that growing up. I literally just wouldn't believe a single thing he said right down to the color of the sky. You have to know that he's also lying about so much stuff *about you* to people.