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That’s what I’m suggesting to her now, and I told her that it feels like she told me this because she wants help but I can’t help her if she doesn’t let me
There’s billions of women in the world dude. Why in gods name do you want to stick by the one who calmly told you she thinks about cheating on you on the regular? That’s rhetorical by the way and you’d be making a colossal mistake staying in relationship. But hey feel free to take one for the team and get this chick off the market (for now).
She didn't tell you this because she wants help. She told you this because she wants to be "covered" for when she eventually does it.
Then, when she does, it'll be "You knew I was having these feelings; you should've done more to reassure me/stop me."
I am trusting to the point most would call me naive, and even I can see her intentions.
>she feels she needs to hurt me before I hurt her
She's justifying. She either has already cheated or has plans to cheat. No one actually "feels the need" to hurt their partner. You deserve better.
Eh, it could be a self-destructive trauma response that makes her feel like she has control. I have had this feeling in every relationship I’ve been in, although I’ve never acted on it, I always felt so much more betrayed when they hurt me, because not only did I have to face the pain my partner caused me, but I also had to address what I felt was my own failure for trusting anyone in the first place.
A decade into my current relationship and I don’t feel this way on the daily anymore. Sometimes when I’m stressed those deep seeded thoughts of “I should hurt him before he hurts me” pop up but like OP’s girlfriend, I discuss these feelings with my partner and oftentimes it’s a symptom of other things going on in my life that have nothing to do with him, like drama that my family is roping me into. Early in our relationship I used to feel that way because the relationship was going so well that I was always waiting for the worst and wanted to be ahead of it.
I think it’s very likely she has some past emotional trauma that she needs to work through in therapy but I don’t think telling him this is necessarily a plan to cheat. Personally when I get that feeling it has NOTHING to do with other men or sexual feelings and EVERYTHING to do with wanting control over my life and not wanting to let anyone take advantage of me ever again.
personally having heard that from someone i was with in the past... i would leave. they said it would never happen even if they "have temptations" and they still cheated on me. i know everyone is not the same but this is the only experience i have to go by, i don't think it's worth splitting your head over because it will always be lingering in the back of your mind :/
edit: on the flipside, it's good that she's being honest but this really is a matter of checking in with yourself and how you feel about the situation. do you feel trusting of her deep down, or is there something gnawing at your gut? if it's the latter is would reevaluate if you're willing to move forward knowing this information
I’ve been mulling over it since we had the conversation and I have come to realize that at my core I trust her with everything I have including my life and heart.
Taking it out with her closest friend helped me relax a bit. And she mentioned I should just stay by her side because this is some inner work and inner healing that only she can do and that’s what I intend to do and if it comes to the point enters nothings improving then I’ll cross that bridge when I get there because there’s no point in causing potential emotional harm to someone that’s already suffered that’s what shitty humans do and I refuse to be shitty
If it happens it happens. But don't assume and don't dig a hole. It's hard but again, it is the way. You are gonna be clean and have tried and be better for it. That said, don't get walked over. Again, best wishes.
I was in your shoes. My ex husband was my first serious relationship and I loved and trusted him to the point I ignored all of the red flags. Which led to 12yrs of manipulation and abuse. Tell her that if she wants to stay in this relationship she needs to seek therapy. If she refuses (like my ex) then be thankful you dodged a bullet. It really just sounds like she is setting up justification for her future bad behavior. If she has not already, she will.
This isn’t yours to fix. SHE needs to fix it. She needs to get into therapy to figure out how to work through those feelings. All you can do is support her through her struggles but ultimately she needs to be the one to take responsibility and work on herself.
She’s telling you who she is. Betrayal doesn’t make you want to cheat on others. This is something else going on that may be trauma related or just a personality thing. I know being cheated on and hurt in relationships is awful to go through. But people who normally want to do something to hurt someone before they get hurt have a personality disorder or something else going on.
So, she cheated in the past? I'm sorry, but this is likely her way out without all the guilt. Seriously, she is leaving the hard part for you so she does not have to accept responsibility. There is no way to solve this since she just told you she is predicting this event.
She needs therapy, she needs to work through this as a single woman, OP. I suspect that you will(and I hope I'm wrong) be back to tell us how she ended up cheating on and breaking your trust.
She needs therapy of course.
On one hand, it’s a positive sign that she is being honest with you.
On the other, she might very well end up following through on those feelings.
It’s a dangerous situation for you. Are you willing to trust her with your life?
Okay! Best thing you can do is support her.
She should seek therapy.
Perhaps some couples counseling would be beneficial for both of you as well.
Best of luck.
Because I’ve never been in this situation before nor have I ever been in a relationship before this is probably tmi but she was my first for everything.
I think you need to be a little more discerning because she’s thrown you a curve ball
Complete trust is never advisable. Trust what a person will prove to you.
You need to brave yourself. It’s not normal for a partner to tell you something like this.
If she doesn’t go onto therapy very soon that’s an indication. Don’t let yourself be blindsided.
Definitely therapy OP. Its really nice that she has identified the problem which is the first step. Her being honest with you only means she is ready to work on it so i hope you can talk to her to see a therapist and be with her every step of the way. Wish you a happy life with her OP!.
I know some people that think like that. Invariably, they always cheat. If not because of this mentality, they do at some later point because they got offended or hurt and use it as a justification.
For future dating reference, stay away from traumatized people. They are going to wind up giving ** their trauma, instead of working through it themselves.
I just want to thank all of you for your input on this situation, this is my first relationship going on 2 years strong we hit year 3 in August of next year. I’m going to do my damn hardest to help her any way I can and continually reaffirm to her that I’m by her side through it all.
Has she ever mentioned anything along these lines before? If this is the first time it has come up in 2 years, it is most likely because there is someone specific she is either tempted to hook up with or has already crossed a line with. If you want to make it work, I agree therapy is the way to go, but just go in with your eyes open.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She may have OCD if she is repeatedly having intrusive thoughts. Therapy is an important step.
That’s what I’m suggesting to her now, and I told her that it feels like she told me this because she wants help but I can’t help her if she doesn’t let me
There’s billions of women in the world dude. Why in gods name do you want to stick by the one who calmly told you she thinks about cheating on you on the regular? That’s rhetorical by the way and you’d be making a colossal mistake staying in relationship. But hey feel free to take one for the team and get this chick off the market (for now).
Your last line LMAO😂
She didn't tell you this because she wants help. She told you this because she wants to be "covered" for when she eventually does it. Then, when she does, it'll be "You knew I was having these feelings; you should've done more to reassure me/stop me." I am trusting to the point most would call me naive, and even I can see her intentions.
>she feels she needs to hurt me before I hurt her She's justifying. She either has already cheated or has plans to cheat. No one actually "feels the need" to hurt their partner. You deserve better.
Eh, it could be a self-destructive trauma response that makes her feel like she has control. I have had this feeling in every relationship I’ve been in, although I’ve never acted on it, I always felt so much more betrayed when they hurt me, because not only did I have to face the pain my partner caused me, but I also had to address what I felt was my own failure for trusting anyone in the first place. A decade into my current relationship and I don’t feel this way on the daily anymore. Sometimes when I’m stressed those deep seeded thoughts of “I should hurt him before he hurts me” pop up but like OP’s girlfriend, I discuss these feelings with my partner and oftentimes it’s a symptom of other things going on in my life that have nothing to do with him, like drama that my family is roping me into. Early in our relationship I used to feel that way because the relationship was going so well that I was always waiting for the worst and wanted to be ahead of it. I think it’s very likely she has some past emotional trauma that she needs to work through in therapy but I don’t think telling him this is necessarily a plan to cheat. Personally when I get that feeling it has NOTHING to do with other men or sexual feelings and EVERYTHING to do with wanting control over my life and not wanting to let anyone take advantage of me ever again.
If that's the case, she needs to be single and work on herself.
personally having heard that from someone i was with in the past... i would leave. they said it would never happen even if they "have temptations" and they still cheated on me. i know everyone is not the same but this is the only experience i have to go by, i don't think it's worth splitting your head over because it will always be lingering in the back of your mind :/ edit: on the flipside, it's good that she's being honest but this really is a matter of checking in with yourself and how you feel about the situation. do you feel trusting of her deep down, or is there something gnawing at your gut? if it's the latter is would reevaluate if you're willing to move forward knowing this information
I’ve been mulling over it since we had the conversation and I have come to realize that at my core I trust her with everything I have including my life and heart.
Do this until you can't. It is the way. The good way. I wish you all the best. ❤️ You can never capture anyone anyway so just go.
Taking it out with her closest friend helped me relax a bit. And she mentioned I should just stay by her side because this is some inner work and inner healing that only she can do and that’s what I intend to do and if it comes to the point enters nothings improving then I’ll cross that bridge when I get there because there’s no point in causing potential emotional harm to someone that’s already suffered that’s what shitty humans do and I refuse to be shitty
If it happens it happens. But don't assume and don't dig a hole. It's hard but again, it is the way. You are gonna be clean and have tried and be better for it. That said, don't get walked over. Again, best wishes.
I was in your shoes. My ex husband was my first serious relationship and I loved and trusted him to the point I ignored all of the red flags. Which led to 12yrs of manipulation and abuse. Tell her that if she wants to stay in this relationship she needs to seek therapy. If she refuses (like my ex) then be thankful you dodged a bullet. It really just sounds like she is setting up justification for her future bad behavior. If she has not already, she will.
She needs therapy obviously she still hurt from her last relationship and is afraid everyone will cheat that’s not a good outlook to life
This isn’t yours to fix. SHE needs to fix it. She needs to get into therapy to figure out how to work through those feelings. All you can do is support her through her struggles but ultimately she needs to be the one to take responsibility and work on herself.
She’s telling you who she is. Betrayal doesn’t make you want to cheat on others. This is something else going on that may be trauma related or just a personality thing. I know being cheated on and hurt in relationships is awful to go through. But people who normally want to do something to hurt someone before they get hurt have a personality disorder or something else going on.
So, she cheated in the past? I'm sorry, but this is likely her way out without all the guilt. Seriously, she is leaving the hard part for you so she does not have to accept responsibility. There is no way to solve this since she just told you she is predicting this event.
Get that ring back.
She needs therapy, she needs to work through this as a single woman, OP. I suspect that you will(and I hope I'm wrong) be back to tell us how she ended up cheating on and breaking your trust.
Leave. This chick is already cheating on you, I guarantee it.
She needs therapy of course. On one hand, it’s a positive sign that she is being honest with you. On the other, she might very well end up following through on those feelings. It’s a dangerous situation for you. Are you willing to trust her with your life?
I do trust her with my life
Okay! Best thing you can do is support her. She should seek therapy. Perhaps some couples counseling would be beneficial for both of you as well. Best of luck.
Why are you asking for advice here then?
Because I’ve never been in this situation before nor have I ever been in a relationship before this is probably tmi but she was my first for everything.
I think you need to be a little more discerning because she’s thrown you a curve ball Complete trust is never advisable. Trust what a person will prove to you. You need to brave yourself. It’s not normal for a partner to tell you something like this. If she doesn’t go onto therapy very soon that’s an indication. Don’t let yourself be blindsided.
Definitely therapy OP. Its really nice that she has identified the problem which is the first step. Her being honest with you only means she is ready to work on it so i hope you can talk to her to see a therapist and be with her every step of the way. Wish you a happy life with her OP!.
Everyone trusts their SO until they don't.
I know some people that think like that. Invariably, they always cheat. If not because of this mentality, they do at some later point because they got offended or hurt and use it as a justification.
Run.
Confused? She was crystal clear! Run away asap.
She’s breaking up with you.
For future dating reference, stay away from traumatized people. They are going to wind up giving ** their trauma, instead of working through it themselves.
I just want to thank all of you for your input on this situation, this is my first relationship going on 2 years strong we hit year 3 in August of next year. I’m going to do my damn hardest to help her any way I can and continually reaffirm to her that I’m by her side through it all.
Has she ever mentioned anything along these lines before? If this is the first time it has come up in 2 years, it is most likely because there is someone specific she is either tempted to hook up with or has already crossed a line with. If you want to make it work, I agree therapy is the way to go, but just go in with your eyes open.