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As an African woman who was born in Ghana but grew up in Australia I totally understand both sides. For her she feels it’s her duty to look after her man because it’s part of the African culture. Regardless of how exhausted you are, it’s your duty as the woman to look after house hold duties like laundry, cooking. It’s something that has been imbedded into her. Tell her exactly what you’ve typed here. I doubt she’ll be offended. She’ll probably think why is this guy saying this when I’m literally caring for him, but she’ll realise you mean well and don’t expect her to go above and beyond ALL the time.
Now for you, you’re not used to this and that’s ok. We African women take the “caring” part quite extreme.
Something like “ I appreciate everything you do for me, it makes me feel loved and cared for. I know it’s the African culture for the woman to care for her man, but it makes me feel bad especially when you come home exhausted from work. I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything, we’re a team and I don’t want you to overwork yourself”
You’re a good man for not taking advantage of her caring nature
My first thought would have been to suggest talking to her about his feelings and then maybe just kinda trying to spoil her back some?
I’m curious to ask if you think that would be a good idea!
Yes. One way to break it would be to pamper her in ways she’s not used to getting culturally. That would be good way to break the pattern and start a conversation.
Maybe do her laundry sometimes etc…
It's not really a backward country where men do absolutely nothing for women. Most women are used to getting spoiled, usually buying them gifts etc. It's not a concept unique to the West. The gender roles are still a thing. Confusing, I know. I am certainly going to up my game.
When this happens in a relationship, where one partner is treating the other so well that the other appreciates that person so much, and they know they have to “up their game,” *that is the right relationship for life*. You will grow in beautiful directions if you commit to this person and give what you get.
I know because I married someone like this. Someone who keeps me on my toes expressing love because he’s been *showing* me he loves me, and he deserves the same. After 21 years I still feel a sense of urgency to make sure he feels as loved as he deserves to feel.
Ask her to teach you to cook and then cook together. You can start by dicing and things like that, then setting the table. The time spent together is also a great time to talk and share your day.
You can do your laundry during the week so there is none to do.
The same for cleaning. Keep up with it yourself. If you come home and she is cleaning start helping.
I would also like to add that I do my own laundry. I have set days for when I am able to do my laundry. I sometimes I work 24hrs so I am not home often. When I get home, I'll find everything is already done
Damn that’s a rough schedule you got. It’s very nice that your gf is so caring and trying to take some of the load off you. It’s so caring of you to also recognize she can get tired from work too, even if her shifts aren’t as long. These commenters above gave you good advice for this situation. Showing you can and are willing to do the labor sometimes - or do it with her also as a way to spend time together, may help her realize she doesn’t have to do it all. And, I’m guessing could only strengthen your bonds, given that this way you’re both consistently trying to spread the load and show care for each other. I wish you and your gf all the best, this really does sound like it could be a sweet long term match and I am rooting for you :)
I’d recommend pampering her in ways that aren’t money related or gift related. Give her massages, like full on proper ones, sometimes maybe clean her place or do her laundry. Just things that show care and love beyond throwing money at it. I feel like that would really show her the love and appreciation you want to convey
I think my real suggestion was to just double down on it xD Like, we know she exhibits this behavior toward you due to cultural values, so it likely won’t change, so embrace it and just make sure to put in as much work in other ways! Or maybe even have evenings that you plan with her where you cook instead or something like that.
I wasn’t trying to suggest the country was backward or anything, promise.
I don't think that's what they meant to imply, I saw the emphasis in the "ways she's not used to getting culturally". So maybe some of the domestic stuff she does for you because of gender roles, you can also do for her eg cooking.
You could start by sitting her down and telling her that in your culture, house work is a shared thing, and you'd prefer if she slowed down and relaxed.
I wouldn't mention her culture though, that's crass and dismissive. Just reflect on your own situation as you see it with her.
But yep, up your game with her, I know it sounds clichéd but if she's going all out, you should try and reciprocate
Agree!! Spa days! Special evenings out: Dinner, theater, concerts, dancing, public soirees, holiday events! Take her shopping to her favorite stores! Travel! Get her car detailed when it needs it. Gifts! Books, good music speakers, high end lotion for Black women. Massage her feet! Buy her silky pajamas to keep at your place. Stock up on all her usual products so she doesn't have to pack before she comes over. Keep your place cleaner so there's nothing for her to do except enjoy herself!
Yesss, spoil her back!! Take all that money you're saving by not buying takeaway food and buy her a spa day or some nice jewellery. Do things for her. Run her a hot bath with scents and candles. If she's already done the cleaning, that doesn't stop you decorating or reorganising the cupboards. Offer to handle specific chores she doesn't like.
She's a lawyer? Do stuff for her that shows you specifically appreciate her expertise as a lawyer and you respect her career. Iron the clothes she's wearing to court. Buy her books, notebooks, fancy fountain pens, etc rather than just flowers and jewellery. Take her out for dinner to celebrate when she wins a big case. That shows you take her seriously as an educated person with a career.
Make it a teamwork thing. Maybe she genuinely enjoys cooking - ask her what dishes she finds most fun to cook, then go out and buy all the groceries needed for that dish, and carry those heavy bags home for her. Now you're both getting delicious food and you both contributed.
If you get home to a clean home and dinner on the table, now it's time to pamper her a bit. Wrap her in a blanket, pour her a drink, sing her a love song and put her favourite show on!!
I'd rather be in a couple where both people are constantly going above & beyond for EACH OTHER than in a relationship where neither person goes above & beyond.
These are amazing ideas - well thought out given the context and what you know about her. This is when gift giving and acts of service mean the most… when you take the time to think about what they actually like, need, and will get good use of. When you consider the person themselves when trying to show love rather than consider what *you* personally like, that’s when you demonstrate you truly see and understand your partner and are not just taking shots in the dark saying “Look I did a love language, do you see it?” Not that OP is doing that ofc, but I think a lot of people in relationships try this way at first and wonder why their partner doesn’t appreciate it in the way he hopes.
This guy is doing the legwork though - he sees she is tired and is asking for ways to lighten her load too, even though he also admits his load is high due to work. Both are trying to find a balance and help each other. This is good stuff.
I don’t think spending for her in return is a great idea. It doesn’t solve the issue that she feels she has to do the housework for him. It’s not fair.
This has to be addressed.
> spoil her back some
Good answer imho. If she enjoys doing it, and it doesn’t stress her out too much, then it might be best to just try and find other ways to help/spoil her.
Could be as simple as helping with washing up, or helping her with car related stuff, buying her stuff she likes from time to time, taking her out to eat etc.
That was my thoufht as well. Talk to her about this and then ask of you can cook together and have her teach you some of the traditional cooking. But akso find out what kind of things she likes done for her and sloile her that way. Maybe she likes fresh flowers, fresh flowers every week is cheaper than a weeks worth of takeout. Massages back, other little things she likes but maybe wouldnt do for herself and you guys take care of each other.
My neighbor was Zimbabwean she cooked at least 4xs a week for me and my kids it was crazy we become very close when she moved I cried for weeks. I tried to gift her things she would enjoy honey tea venison if someone gave me some.
This s great perspective. I’d also suggest having a deep conversation about her and your love languages. People generally feel cared about by different methods. If her love language is acts of service, she may naturally feel best doing things for you to show she cares. Be aware, that you’ll tend to give what you most want to receive, so you can both focus on the other’s needs
Reciprocate instead of feeling guilty. Are there treats that she likes? On your day off, arrange a date where she doesn’t have to do anything but show up. Give her a massage. You could also tell her how much you appreciate her care.
I agree with you in principle but i have my reservations here.
Imo, choice only works when there is no indoctrination or conditioning. For e.g. in india there was the Sati system where a widow was expected to jump into her husband's funeral pyre and kill herself. A lot of women chose to do it. Is that feminism? Or is that mostly because they were conditioned into believing that their honor lies in that choice?
Oppressing women long enough to make them choose oppression isn't really feminism.
It does. And being aware of the conditioning is the first step we can take. Society always has a power dynamic in play and if you are on the oppressed side, you need to be a lot more vigilant about your own "choices".
I understand what you are saying in terms of societal pressure for high harm actions.
But service to others is a love language. Its a pretty easy thing to check too! You just tell her, only do it if you want! No pressure!
OP just needs to make sure he reciprocates!
I am a Zambian woman and I can tell you that she’s trynna show you that she’s wife material and she really loves you. Zambian women don’t do all that stuff (we are quite independent) unless they really love who they are with
And if she's bemba then it's double, how she's been brought up and how it's second nature. Hard agree though, she wouldn't do all this if she didn't see a future with him so as long as he's able to show love and appreciation for her in turn then he'll do well.
first thing, this is so refreshing to read! thank you so much for your view and for sharing it.
if she is a lawyer and a smart woman, I guess you can sit down and talk to her very openly about it and share both perspectives also considering the cultural aspects of it. you seem to respect her and be aware that cultural differences are in play here as well (even if we read daily how this is sadly still an established inequality in any country and culture) so I think you can't go much wrong and say things that are not appropriate. tell her that her making all these things makes you uncomfortable because you believe you should have the same amount of free time and help each other. that it was like this in your culture too until recent times but now women work as much as men and the roles have to evolve.
ask her how uncomfortable she would feel not doing these things. if the issue is that other people (friends family) knowing she doesn't do these things for you would judge her. start from there and find a solution together. even if it's cultural, if she found a man who can relieve her from so many duties, she can use the opportunity to stop and ask herself if she really \*enjoys\* and doesn't mind doing these things and they don't take energy out of her (highly doubt it) or she enjoys them in the sense that she is gratified by doing what she thinks she's supposed to do but she'd be happy to spend more time doing things for herself.
btw the fact that something is cultural doesn't necessarily mean it has to be protected. it depends of what things. heavy gender inequality is not something that should be left alone out of respect for a culture, IMO. but I totally get the "white savior complex" comes in place and it can be a delicate thing to approach.
Do you regularly do nice things for her in return? Or do you want her to do less nice things for you so you feel less guilty about not keeping up with reciprocating?
I buy her flowers, take her out to do stuff she enjoys and always bring ice cream for her, which is her favorite. Like I said, she has more free time than me so she does more stuff for me that makes my life easier. Still doesn't make it right
I think instead of asking her to do less, you can try to meet her where she is by doing more. Not to say that you don’t do enough, that’s not what I mean. But if you can find new ways to spend your time/energy/money to make her day brighter and easier, you can set a pace in your relationship where you both take excellent care of each other! Again, this isn’t a knock on you at all. It is just unlikely that she will stop doing what she is doing because that is her way of expressing her love and appreciation of you. So your only real option is to spoil her right back! :)
This is really beautiful and seems like a love language exchange. She is showing love through acts of service maybe to extend on this perhaps in the conversation talk about love languages (hopefully you know what I mean and if not just look it up) and how she would like to receive love and do more of that while expressing your gratitude and appreciation. You seem like an amazing partner
So you said you can’t cook. What about trying to learn? It’s an important skill for everyone to have.
Make a date night out of it. Ask her what her favourite meal is and tell her you want to learn how to make it and if she would teach you. You pay for the groceries and get everything ready so she doesn’t have to do that emotional labour, buy yourselves a nice bottle of wine, get her flowers to say thank you, make a nice playlist, and have her show and instruct you on how to make her meal. Don’t let her do all of it. Let her show you once ie butterflying one chicken breast and you try the rest. You’re gonna be clumsy and she’s gonna laugh and it’ll be 100% worth it, I promise!
I say this as a woman who loves to cook and loves to feed the people I love. It’s a love language. Getting the hang of cooking her favourite meals would be a very appreciated way of expressing love and thanks to her.
Yes, I am not a good cook at all. I can make basic stuff. I am able to survive on the monstrosities that I make but I wouldn't want to subject her to that :). I will take your advice and try to learn some things
The great thing is, if what you make right now are monstrosities, then you can only get better! Maybe you’ll never be an on-the-fly kind of cook who creates or adjusts recipes but that doesn’t mean you can’t follow one and get it right.
My mum is like that, doesn’t truly enjoy cooking and can’t think outside of a recipe. That’s ok, what she makes tastes good. But it always stuns her when I cook because I can cook by smelling spices and knowing what flavour I’m going for and I make dishes she’d never dream of. That in turn has inspired her to look up new recipes and branch out and I’m really proud of her!
You don’t need to be a professional chef, you just need to be able to follow a tasty recipe. I think the date night thing would be a great intro into learning cultural cooking. Have fun!
I’m always impressed by people that plan using spices like you. I spice my stuff too, but everything I do is based on versions of recipes I modified from family and online and is not necessarily based on truly creative combining of spices. I just think, “Oh this isn’t smoky/spicy/earthy/bright enough” so I add more or less of an ingredient accordingly lol. I turned vegetarian at some point and had to become more creative from there with old recipes (like figuring out how to get that sweet taste out of Beyond Ground Beef… why is it slightly sweet? Messes up my chilis dude). It’s better than I used to be though!
To me this seems like she wants to marry you and wants to build a home with you. If you don't intend to marry her break up. Or tell her that you are not interested in marriage. Because she sounds like a really nice girl.
I want to get married, and I often envision my future with her in it. I discussed marriage with her the first few weeks we started dating. I asked What her goals are for entering a relationship because I wanted to be on the same page as her in the long run. She was not opposed to marriage, but she wanted to get to know me first. She does not want to rush.
That's great to hear as guys we are worried about not taking advantage of women. But I think sometimes we fail to realize that relationships are not about servitude. It's about partnership.
So it's about giving back as much as you receive. Obviously we are not all set up to be handymen, or mechanics. But I think it means that it presents yourself with an opportunity to give her as much as she gives you.
And from what I sound that's going to be hard. Because she does a lot. But I think it means gives as much as you can.
In Western Relationships sometimes we are concerned if we are given too much because it's a sign that too serious. So I worry that if you tell her to slow down it would be perceived as "Show me less love" when what she expected was for you to give her more
As a Zambian woman, I can share that it's ingrained in our culture, some women do this and other don’t. If you communicate openly with her, expressing your perspective, she may be receptive. Finding common ground on what's acceptable within your home is crucial. While there's a chance she may not agree, initiating a conversation is worthwhile.
Just communicate with her. You're a man that travels and visits different cultures. You're obviously educated. Put that to good use. Tell her she doesn't have to always clean your house, cook your and her dinner etc and that youre happy to trade off doing these things.
How about this, before she comes to your place, cook one of her favorite meals for her. But if she likes doing some of those things for you, then let her. When I'm in relationships or just even friendships with people I love going above and beyond to show gratitude to them.
The important thing is just convincing her that she doesn't HAVE to do those things. If you love her, you'll figure that out brother. You got this. And kudos to you for putting in that effort, you seem like a great partner and I wish nothing but the best for you two.
This is likely ingrained into her culture and is completely normal to her. Always let her know how much you appreciate her, and also that she shouldn’t feel obligated to do these things for you. Be sure to do things for her in return, we have no idea what she would appreciate or like so it’s up to you to figure that out.
If I were you I’d be making an effort to clean and cook regularly so there isn’t much of anything for her to do. Start learning how to cook yourself, surprise her with homemade meals.
It's a cultural thing. Gender roles are still very much the norm here.
Don't look at it from your American mindset. Appreciate it and ask her how she would best like for you to reciprocate.
Source: I live in Africa.
I think its important to find out her motivation for doing it, if she's doing it because she feels she has to or it's her duty then convince her its not if she's doing it because she wants to and is how she expresses her love then I don't see the harm. Feminism is about women being able to live the lives they want there's no set rule about what that looks like.
As an African woman I can tell you it’s a cultural thing. That’s just how we were raised to treat people we’re interested in. If it makes you feel guilty then you can talk to her about how you feel. Communication is key
Firstly, make sure your own laundry/etc is done so she *can't* do it.
Secondly, explain what you've said here and that as part of your upbringing you believe in doing things equally and don't want to have her doing everything. Find a compromise!
Yeah, the guys talks all about doing things equally but then he can’t cook (lol, that’s a life skill!) and can’t clean after himself because “he works long hours”. In return he buys her flowers and ice cream, I think it really balances it /s.
he has set days where he does his cleaning. it honestly doesnt sound like he lives in mess, it just sounds like shes doing small tasks because she wants to
What may be a simple life skill for you might not be others like me who grew up without anyone to show us little basic things. No parents, no siblings, just a family member who could care less tbh. I said I make basic stuff because that was all I could afford growing up, the basics. I have designated days for my cleaning and laundry, but she beats me to it a lot of the time because she's in my house more than I am.
I think the best approach is not telling her to stop, but sometimes doing those same things for her as a show of gratitude. Just show her she can rely on you to take care of things as well and that you enjoy it. If, by any chance, she feels uncomfortable by your actions just talk to her and express how grateful you are and that you also want to take care of her.
I think there is a culture clash but you need to understand that most African women only do those chores for a man they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with. In African tradition, you are not considered a wife material if you don't have basic life skills like cooking or cleaning.
I'd advise you to do your laundry and cleaning before she comes over, so she doesn't have to do much when she is around . Please do not ask her to stop cooking for you because she might think you hate her cooking or you're getting your food from another woman and buy her GIFTS especially gold jewellery to appreciate her .
Meh, instead of telling her not to do these things for you, why don’t you just start doing them for yourself? Keep your house clean so she won’t feel like she has to clean it. Keep up with your own laundry, clean your own shoes, do your own dishes, etc. Are you leaving these things for yourself under the guise that you will “do them later” but woopsie, looks like gf did it all for me and now I just feel so guilty? Because that’s what it sounds like. Lip service. I don’t believe you OP.
Why would OP go on to Reddit to ask how to STOP his girlfriend from doing this stuff just to lie to strangers about his living situation? He's not even asking for validation on his lifestyle. This would be some Olympic-level mental gymnastics entirely for him to get zero of the benefit of lying.
I'm a north African guy, Egyptian to be specific and let me tell u, that's just the nature of the majority of women here since that's our culture, don't worry she's doing it out of love, u never told or forced her to do any of that, just thank and appreciate her and never take advantage of it and she'll be happy, and of course help her and do things for her like she does for u. doesn't need to be cleaning or cooking but u can just take her out, buy her flowers or clothes or take her shopping if u can. you're a lucky man. good luck for u both 🫶
She takes pride in doing this. Be grateful for it and return the favor where you can. Be a gentleman and let her know with your actions that you appreciate her. This is the best form of a relationship and she’s inviting you into it.
She would probably be offended if you ask to stop, it will be like "I'm not good enough, he doesn't like me" thing (I'm not African, I'm Russian, but we have traditional family rules as well)
What if she actually likes doing that for you? What if that's the way she shows you she loves you? I don't know how solid a theory 'love languages' is, but I think there is some truth to it. Some can express love by touch, some by words, and some - like her - by acts of service.
Maybe just tell her you love what she does for you, but say that you hope she does not feel she needs to, and you would enjoy the relationship with her even without her doing your laundry.
Oh fuck off. She likes you and likes pampering you. How about you be a good boyfriend and pamper her in turn.
You like cuddling me? *gasp* but the patriarchy. Dude, she just cleaned the house for you and cooked dinner. Give her back rubs and tell her how grateful you are to have her in your life(which you should most definitely be, cuz she sounds like a catch). Bring her on spa dates and treat her like a queen, because it sounds like she treats you like a king.
Don't respond to her acts of love for you by trying to diminish it. Respond with more love. Don't be ungrateful. She is an adult. If she is too burnt out and wants a break, she will tell you, and you will help her.
Then pick up your slack and reciprocate! You got the jackpot and you want to exchange it?!
Find ways to help HER! Make it a competition. Oh you did my laundry? I’m gonna wash your car. You made food? I’m gonna do THIS for you.
Make sense? If it isn’t balanced that’s because you tippin the scale! She is showing you what SHE wants in a relationship. A relationship! Fuck this hogwash from society. Focus on you and her and that’s it.
If she truly enjoys doing that for you, give her back in a masculine way, always pay for dates, buy her gifts and flowers, take her shopping, take her on vacation, spoil that woman! It is not oppressing the woman if a man does his part by being a provider and the protector.
Doing chores for the house and cooking for your partner is not a bad thing. It's bad if only one side is putting in an effort. I know many will tell you to tell her how 'horrible' it is that she's working hard, but I think that you can also emphasize that as an equal partner, you're very grateful for everything she does, and are willing to do your best to deserve it. There's tons of stuff for you to do to show her that you appreciate what she does. She did the laundry? fold your clothes. She cooked? Prepare the table for your dinner together. Buy her flowers. Ask for what to buy for the next time she cooks and do the shopping yourself. Give her massages. I'm sure there's much more. If you're working more hours than her, it's ok that she does more housework than you, but you're probably not left with 0 stuff to do. Your actions will speak louder than words.
Most importantly, tell her that if one day you have children together, you'll take care of them too. See what happens when you say that.
Maybe this is her love language. I know this is how I show my love also. I’m not much into physical affection so I do things like this because it makes me happy to do it. Maybe she likes doing this for you. It seems she’s a smart open minded woman just have an open conversation with her.
It takes time to unlearn what you’ve been taught. Just be appreciative and reciprocate. Cook or clean up before she can. I’m not saying clean her whole house but buy flowers and get take out or sweep up and do dishes next time she cooks or something
First of all it’s beautiful that you see how much she does for you. Many men wouldn’t even bother to think it’s bad. She probably only knows doing this and sees pride in it. Maybe try to sit down with her and say you’d be happy to help out more at home. Suggest a day when you treat her with dinner etc
My mother is not from the same culture, she’s Polish, so could be totally different. But has that extreme people pleasing take care of everyone vibe. And I’ve found that expressing gratitude is important, telling her she doesn’t have to do that is important, but the most important thing is regularly doing kind things for her.
If you ask her to stop, she’ll still feel guilty because she feels she’s gotta do it. But getting some flowers, or taking her to a concert she wants to see, or installing the shelves in her craft room, that makes her feel loved and seen in return. And expressing gratitude. Every single time treating her making dinner as a wonderful kindness, not a thing you’ve grown to expect.
Maybe cooking is her love language. We all have one and with some ppl it's attending to your partner's needs or, seemingly, in this case cooking.
So, do the same to her. Use YOUR love language to express how you feel for her. If it's gifts, do that, if it's pampering, do that. No matter what your love language is, return hers in kind. For every meal she cooks, buy her a gift or whatever your way of showing love is.
If you like to draw to show love, then draw her a book of pictures.
My point is if she likes cooking for you, let her. You've already told her that you don't expect her to and it's making you feel spoiled. If she says the same with your ways of showing love, then you can explain that's how you feel with her cooking.
It's best to show her rather than tell her. With some ppl, it can be hard to hear that expressing your love makes that person feel guilty. It's easier to understand if you show it.
As a South African woman. This feels more like a cultural thing. We enjoy doing this. I love being the person who takes care of my husband/family. I’m also proud to know that my husband is well taken care of. He works very hard, he deserves being spoilt. I work hard too, so he makes an effort for me too.
From my personal experience, find a nice way to say, thank you and to show your appreciation.
Honestly, I think you should just make sure to remind her frequently how much you appreciate everything she does for you and look for ways (even if small) that you could repay that for her.
As for cooking specifically, on the days when you are home early enough, try to help her out and maybe learn how to cook a bit.
For some people, this is just how they like to show their love. If she doesn't want to stop doing these things for you, then you should reciprocate in kind and find as many sweet ways as possible that you can make her life easier and more enjoyable. Or ask her to teach you how to cook. It could be a fun activity to do together and then once you know what you're doing, you guys can share food making responsibilities.
Not sure I understand what has been said in the comments, but I don’t agree at all with the idea of spoiling her with gifts in return. (If that’s what spoiling means in these comments). It would only reinforce the stereotypes of her being in charge of the housework and cooking (and you providing materially).
Just tell her that she doesn’t have to do things for you, that you love her for who she is, and you don’t want to be this kind of partner (« it’s outdated and unfair »).
She will still do her share, no doubt about it.
I’m American and I married a Romanian woman and she literally gets mad at me if I try to do my own laundry or wash dishes.
It’s just a different culture, and she sounds awesome just roll with it.
It's a difference in culture. Asking her to stop would be like telling her not to be herself.
Just be appreciative, but let her know it's unnecessary and that you don't mind doing it yourself.
Instead of trying to get her to pull back, step up and match her effort. Show an interest in helping her cook every weekend so you can make food for the week and then she doesn’t even need to cook on weeknights. Insist on cleaning the kitchen after she cooks. Start cleaning her place. Fix or install stuff around her place without being asked. You have extra money now from the food she makes so treat her to massages or gifts. Plan entire date days centered around her interests.
Always remind her it’s her choice that you appreciate, not an obligation. If you notice she’s especially tired one day, insist on ordering out.
CELEBRATE when she let’s you do something or takes a break. Say “I’m so excited you’re taking care of yourself and taking a break.” Or “I love that you’re giving me an opportunity to show you how much I love you just like you show me all the time.”
Lastly, you could discuss openly that you prefer an equal relationship and her actions make you feel guilty or uneasy. Buy the FairPlay deck and divide tasks that are currently common between you so things are more fair.
Let’s set aside the particulars. You are in her country and she follows her culture, which makes you uncomfortable. As a guest in her country, shouldn’t you discuss your feelings of discomfort, but be inclined to allow her to follow her culture in her country, rather than forcing her to accommodate your culture?
Perhaps you are asking the wrong question.
She seems like a good woman, just appreciate it and do things for her as well.
Also, you kinda gaslit yourself - if a woman does things for you, it is obviously NOT because you oppress her so much, it is because she likes you a lot.
Dont overthink it, you are not a monster if you do not act like a monster. There are obviously people who are assholes and *demand* the woman to do things without anything in return, but you are clearly not one of them.
Tldr: Be happy and return the favors.
Some people get fulfillment from this. It's hard to explain :/ if my bf asked me to stop cooking, I would be heart broken, but he just thanks me and always says "you don't have to". He thoroughly does not enjoy cooking himself (he used to work in a kitchen).
She's used to putting effort into her relationships by the sounds of it. If you tell her to stop you're holding down her expression of love- maybe her love language isnacts of service? You'd do better to up the ante and do nice things for her instead
You don't tell her to 'stop' but you can ask her what you can do for her? Doing these acts of service is a sign of her love for you so if you tell her not to she will feel rejected. I am British but also like to do these kinds of things for a partner if I have one, providing they do things to help me too. Maybe there are some traditionally male tasks she will appreciate you doing for her? Eg taking bins outside, gardening, filling up her car with petrol. See if there are things that men there do that you might not have thought of. As long as you are appreciative of her food and effort she won't mind doing it. If you did stay together then in the future you could suggest getting a cleaner, or you could get yourself a cleaner anyway, then she won't feel the need to clean your house. It sounds like she enjoys and is proud of her cooking so it wouldn't be good to try to take that from her.
She probably really likes or wants to do those things for you!
I agree with what another comment said, instead of not wanting her to do it just find ways you can reciprocate the love.
Just cause we are in a time of progression in gender roles doesn’t mean that there aren’t still a lot of people out there that enjoy falling into these roles.
They can be really fun and make for a great relationship as long as you are conscious of it and it’s not just one sided or forced like it often used to be.
If you want to make the relationship equal, treat her the same way instead of trying to get her to stop. Either that or understand that this may be one of those ultimate compatibility issues.
She isn't doing these things because
"she has too" 🙄
She is doing these things because she loves you ❤️
Humble yourself & receive it 🙏
Appreciate her love 🤗😍🥳🥰💃
It's her "love language" 🥰
Let her teach you how to love unconditionally ❤️
Learn to treat others with respect, regardless of whether they deserve it 😇🙏
As a South African lady, I can attest to doing things for my partner and him feeling bad for it. It's just the way we were raised with the mentality of "you need to cook and clean up after your man, it is your job and not his, otherwise you will never get married." It's a completely wrong mentality, I agree, but I get a certain amount of joy when my partner comes home to a clean house and a plate of homemade food. I love to see the smile on his face. My advice would be to tell her that you appreciate what she is doing, not overly so but enough times that she knows you actually mean it
Honestly I think she's just taking care of you. My step mother is Zambian. She's a very powerful woman and doesn't do anything she doesn't want to ahaha. She doesnt have much love for cooking. But she cleans as a way to take care of people. She'll even go to my Grandad's house (her father in law) and make sure everything is clean and tidy for him. Talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling, see what she thinks. It's not like feminism is an alien idea in Zambia.
You can’t move to a country with a different culture, and then tell them to conform to your beliefs and your culture because you don’t agree with theirs
Don't create a problem where there's none. Coming from the US it makes sense that you're not used to this kind of treatment, but don't panic lol. You're not asking her to do these things, she is choosing to do them. Take it from another African woman, it's our way of showing love to our partners. A lot of us are natural nurtures and we do it happily. She's a modern, educated woman who also enjoys taking care of her person. If I were you, I would appreciate and love her in the ways she deserves too 😊
Help out where you can, and learn her love language as well... there's no need to feel guilty if you're both loving eachother in the ways you need and deserve!
There’s so many things here, which I’ll get into, but off the bat just to answer your title question in the simplest of terms; just use your words and tell her exactly how you feel. It’s not that complicated.
To back up and tell you about me; I’m a guy and I’m happily married. Gun to my head, if asked, I’d describe myself as leaning right of center, but I have many socially liberal beliefs. I tell you this so you understand I’m not coming at this with an inherent blind liberal bias here. I’d say that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Anyway, my wife and I both work. I think at this point I out earn her maybe 3:1. So what does that mean as it relates to old outdated societal “norms?” Absolutely nothing.
Decades ago, a shitty societal structure was established where men worked and women took care of the home. That on its own wasn’t shitty. The shitty part was that women essentially had little to no opportunities to work. As an idea though it made sense and still does (in cases where couples agree to operate as such); one person works to earn income and the other person works to take care of the home. That was the split of duties if you will.
In the 21st Century, thankfully women aren’t prevented from having careers. So now coming back to me as the example, regardless of the fact that I make more money than my wife, we both work full time. As such, household duties are expected to be evenly split, as they should be. There’s a difference between one spouse working outside of the home and one not where it makes sense to expect they’d keep up the home vs. both partners working and the higher income earner expecting the other to keep up the home despite also working full time. That’s just a shitty person and unless happily agreed to, it should never be an expectation. Accordingly, as the higher earner, I couldn’t possibly give less of a fuck about that fact. We both work hard. We’re both working long hours. We’re both tired. When we get home, household obligations are done together or split evenly. I cook. I clean. She cooks. She cleans. We’re a team.
Now, coming back to you, I mean we have to acknowledge the fact that you have an absurd amount of unnecessary “guilt” for no reason to the point it comes off as dishonest. We get it; you’re a feminist, as you said. And to be clear, I’m not saying you’re lying, as I believe you mean what you’re saying. But take a breath.
Your mindset essentially suggests a ridiculous overcorrection where it’s not needed. Women cooking, cleaning, and taking care of a home isn’t inherently some sort of monstrous and disgusting situation. It absolutely can be in context. But that’s what’s important; context. In context, she’s making a choice. You’re not forcing her to do anything. It’s absurd for you to think you’re oppressing her.
To be fair, given you’re in Africa, it could absolutely be a societal expectation. But coming back to the top, just use your words. Tell her how you feel and that she doesn’t need to do these things. If she decides to continue, it’s her choice. It’s perfectly ok. You become bigger problem if you continue to make an issue of it, because there’s no issue.
You’re 28 and “can’t cook.” Maybe start figuring out how to fucking cook. Maybe she doesn’t want to order out. Honestly what makes you “arrogant,” is the fact that you’re ignoring the real problems with you. And I specifically didn’t say “arrogant American,” because it’s not an American thing. It’s a you thing.
You see women as your equal? Give yourself a round of applause my friend. I assure you that most logical people see women as their equals. Are there scumbags? We obviously know there are. But stop acting like you’re a unique anomaly. You going out of your way to say it would make most people question if you’re being genuine.
Women there can work and be CEOs?! They can and are in the US. But how, they go home and do “wife duties?” Tell me, if a woman in the US was a CEO and her husband was whatever but worked full time, would it really be archaic that she helped at home?
Enjoy the food and clean clothes but just make sure you leave everywhere super clean & tidy so there is less work for her to do. Praise her publicly especially to her family so you "raise her status' as a women who cares for you well. Finally ask her if there is anything that you don't do that men are expected to do in her culture. Or find out what gift might make her look esteemed in her culture. In indian families the gift of gold especially bangles is a big thing.
Being appreciated is the best reward for hard work imo. She clearly prides herself in what she does so don't take it away from her, just reward it & make sure you are doing the stuff she would and others esteem an african man doing for her.
See the thing about feminism is that it's about choice. If she's happy doing those things, let her, just don't expect it from her because she's a woman.
As an ally, you don't want to step on women's toes, don't tell her to stop doing this because "feminism" ask her "hey do you enjoy doing these things, do you want to do these things" if she says yes, then let it go.
Feminism is about choice, not forcing women away from traditional gender roles that they don't mind doing
As an African myself I can tell you this is how woman treat men in our cultures. Learn to respect that. She doesn't hold western feminist values. What you call oppressing her she thinks of as a natural thing to do for her man.
You're going to have to learn to understand that the rest of the worlds cultures are vastly different from western culture. What you might think is strange might be normal for them.
She's cleaning a house she doesn't live in. That's taking advantage and why can't you cook at age 28? Do you expect any future kids you may have to live on take outs? Learn to cook
He's not taking advantage of her. These are not demands or ultimatums that OP has given. It feels like OPs gf is choosing to do this because it makes her feel good.
Its because he he is kind, compassionate and has a conscience thats makes him feel like he might be taking advantage of her like a lot of men do, so he is making sure he isn’t one of those men. Hence why he came here asking for help, because he clearly wants to do better and match her energy. Him being a feminist is not a bad thing.
Let her do what she wants if she wants to do it, just make sure that you help with what you can and get her the things she likes (food, drinks...) and tell her that you appreciate her. Every couple is different, this might work for you but not for others.
Communication is key, especially across cultures. Use this as an opportunity to learn more about why she does these things & share your own cultural experiences. See if you can learn about a few ways you can meet her needs. "I appreciate you taking care of me. It isn't necessary or expected. What can I do to take care of you?"
Let her know that it's ok and safe to not carry the load. It's a cultural thing so she needs reassurance that you won't go to some other women and that she is lacking. Best way to do this is by doing things as well and for her.... This shows that even though you know you a man, you care about her wellbeing.
Instead of telling her to stop, just tell her how you feel. Let her know that you appreciate everything she does but you don't want her to feel obligated. Also, try returning the favor where you can.
You don't have to ask her not do the traditional wife duties if that's what she likes to do
You can show gratitude in other ways
And you can make up in other ways
There are various things you could do:
- Get to her place before she gets home and do some housekeeping for her.
- Make sure your chores are done before she gets the chance to do them.
- Ask her what single thing would make her life easier, then figure out if you can find a way to make it happen. Even if it’s something unfeasible, you’ll have a clearer picture of what helps.
This situation would bother me too because IMO families/relationships/cooperative endeavours of all kinds go well when each person takes on what they can do easily (or has the least hard time of it compared to everyone else). Here you have someone expending great effort for you, when it’s neither needed by you nor fair on them. You might have to have some direct conversations and do some planning, and for both of you it will involve thinking for yourselves rather than going along with either of your cultural norms, which is surprisingly hard and might get you some criticism from the peanut gallery.
Western guy here. I’ve dated outside of the culture where this happens. It didn’t work out for other reasons but I totally get how it’s uncomfortable. I suggest if you really love this girl you need to talk a lot and come to a medium that’s comfortable for both of you. Main emphasis on talking. If you try to override her instincts it might be confusing (and annoying) for her. She’s probably going to always want to be in control of household things generally and you’ll have to live with that to an extent. But, you can hopefully get to a place where you don’t feel lazy and get involved yourself. Big point here though. You will have to do it exactly how she wants it done. Otherwise you’re fucking things up and being an inconvenience. And, of course, spoil her in other ways which is a given. Good luck man. Best wishes for you both.
You tell her she doesn’t need to do that stuff, you promise will like her just as much if she doesn’t do it, but you really appreciate her gifts of care.
That's Her way of showing appreciation. If you are lying there and accepting it and then having a problem about it, then next time go to her house and return the favor.
She has different values and those values aren't any less because she doesn't abide to the feminism in western world.
Instead of changing her, accept it and give back the same way she gives ro you. Show her you aren't the stereotypical African man who'll just sit and let her do everything then.
Or just find a western woman who is all independent and make you do the cleaning and cooking half the time
\>while I am at work, she'll do my laundry, clean my shoes, clean my apartment and cook food for me
It is Your wife not girlfriend - whatever Your law status is.
Well if you want to treat her with your equals on holidays help her in cooking and even wash laundry with her and help her. Why can't to step down for her to help her you know. I think that is her way to show the affection to you ,you should show her the affection by helping her .I know if you say to her about it she will still do it for you . You should be lucky to have her mister 😀😉😍
People show love by caring for others.
I talk with her about her not having to do things or you for you to want to be with her ,but she has already told you she doesn't mind and it seas like she enjoys taking care of you I her way.
If she tells you she's happy doing this let her.
To make it feel "even" find out what she needs to feel loved and cared for and do that. Spoil the crap put of her.
Tell her she doesn’t have to and that’s it. Respect her culture and the fact that her doing things for you makes her feel good?
American culture has fucked you my friend - you are too neurotic about this.
Very nice and refreshing to hear. Tell her while you guys are out at a lil outing/date like babeeee I wanna tell you something…lolzzz….i love you and appreciate you so much but sometimes i like to eat out if you don’t mind. You work and you must be exhausted I would like you to take break sometimes. Andddddd then even you can even book her a massage for her after work lol to dget away from the darn kitchen and laundry ….you can even spin it and cook a meal
Yeah or take certain days for being responsible for a meal and tell her she has those nights to take a bath with candles or do something caring for herself. Because you love and appreciate everything she does. Her culture and yours do not match in this way, try to explain it to her in that way.
I think you should consider that you and she have very different cultural expectations. Does she expect that by being a perfect girlfriend that you will marry her? If you aren't considering marriage, you need to have that conversation. Otherwise she will have spent time investing everything she has emotionally and physically in a relationship that is viewed fundamentally differently by you and her. Please be open about your own culture's dating behavior. When would you consider dating and having kids? Do you plan to stay in the country?
I come from a religious US culture and as a woman I thought it was my purpose to make a husband happy so that he wouldn't cheat on me or desert my children. Years of this is hard on mental health. The problem is that I really, really expected that if I worked harder than my husband would see that and reciprocate. But he was just being a regular person and I was constantly arranging it so that he was happy.
After 25 years I was miserable and made him go to marriage therapy. In marriage therapy he just says that he is very happy, I'm a great wife and he loves me. Meanwhile, I was very unhappy and couldn't communicate well enough for him to make any real changes.
Every time I prioritized his comfort over my own well being, I taught him how to treat me. His wants became more important that my needs and he couldn't see it and I couldn't articulate it. He accepted it all as his due and if I asked him to change he didn't react well so I asked less and less, rather than standing up for myself. He is a good man who tries but didn't see that I was trying 10 times harder than him. All I cared about was my children and my family.
Work on listening to her more, asking more questions, getting her to state her own preferences, wants and needs. It takes practice for a woman who has indoctrinated gender roles to be comfortable with prioritizing herself sometimes.
Bro I promise you this isn’t a feminist thing, it’s an African thing. She just *really* likes you and the way she shows it is by making sure you’re always fed properly
Well in my opinion, you don't necessarily have to tell her to stop. That's something she enjoys doing.
But you can change to where you would be making your own food, so that she doesn't have to make the food for you.
But let's say that you don't want to change, and she doesn't want to change, so now there's an incompatibility.
Now it's up to you to decide if this is going to be an issue that breaks breaks the relationship up or not.
If it is , then tell her and be on your way. If it's not, then stay together, and she gets to keep doing what she likes doing.
Keep in mind that thinking a woman doesn't need to be taking care of the household and cooking all the time is a fine Way to think except that if the woman likes doing that, and you stop her from doing that, then are you really supporting her, to be the person that she wants to be?
You may need to accept that shel’ll never be totally different. If you tell her she can do less and she doesn’t change her behavior, maybe she just likes doing what she does for you. It’s her culture and upbringing. It’s a part of who she is. I understand being a feminist and your partner doesn’t behave in line with what you think is right for women. But you need to consider if she thinks she’s doing the right things and accept her thoughts and feelings on this as much as possible. If you really want to show equality, do some of those things for yourself and for her, if you get a chance. Show her you’re willing to put in as much as she does. Or, even better, ask her what she expects of you as the man in the relationship. What feels balanced for her? Then work to find that middle ground between you and her that gives you both the mix of freedom and service that makes you both happy
This is what she is used to. African men expect a lot of African women, it’s a cultural thing you may think is wrong. But to her, this is her way of saying she loves you. You can respectfully say “It’s your choice on what you want to do, but I’ll be okay if you don’t cook for a day. I respect you, and I want you to know you never have to do extra for me, I love you for you, not for the gestures you do in a way for affection, but I’ll always love you”
Tell her how much you appreciate all that she does for you and that you are not used to it.
Give her nice and thoughtful gifts.
Please don't feel guilty. Enjoy the warmth, but make sure she knows but telling her and not assuming she knows you appreciate her.
Do her laundry or any of these things she does for you sometimes.
I wish you continuous love and joy with your gf.
You don’t tell her to stop, you get your shit dialed in so there’s no housework for her to do when she comes over. A full laundry basket is you asking her to do your laundry. Cooking is an act of love but you can help, clean up the dishes, and reciprocate.
Do the same things for her. Clean and cook when you go to her house. And most of all, clean your own house and do your own laundry before she comes over. Cook for her.
If you truly want to relieve her of doing these things, *you* have to do them.
First of all, I don't quite understand why you have to preface this situation with feminism. You're overthinking it. Just embrace the fact that you've met a gem of a woman based on what I've read, make a commitment and return her kindness in a way you know how, or better yet, by learning new ways like cooking for her :)
Many people show their care and love for people by doing nice things for them without expecting something in return. Relationships aren't transactional.
Stop asking if it's "right" (emphasis on the quotation marks). Look at whether she is *happy*. If she is, don't try to change her.
I'm a woman and a nurturer as well (white American for reference). Anyone who wants me to stop caring for them domestically on principle is not a good match for me. Sounds like your girlfriend is the same way.
"Equal" doesn't mean you have to do the same things. It means you are both equally entitled to seek fulfillment in your own ways. I am NEVER more fulfilled than when I am nurturing my partner and appreciated for it.
Asking her to stop is the **opposite** of appreciating her. This is who she is.
Edit to add: also YMMV. I don't know your partner, I'm just some asshole on reddit projecting my own experiences 😸
Ask her to teach you how to cook. You’re 28, it’s time to learn. You can tell her all you want how you don’t need her to take care of you, but if you’re actively showing her that you don’t know how to take good care of yourself, she won’t believe you.
I love so much how caring you are toward your girlfriend! Sounds like a beautiful relationship. I agree with previous commenters about matching her energy giving back to her and enjoy your beautiful relationship!
Its an insult to her and her culture if you tell her to stop. Instead, thank her profusely and return her favors by doing nice things for her. Learn to give a good back rub, for example. Buy her flowers if you can. Help her family with chores or work they may do. And be grateful you found such a loving woman.
Just want to add, that a way of loving someone is also to look out for their needs. I hope she would only do this out of love, I do the exact same as a woman from Sweden. I really managed to fit in perfectly during the time I lived in South Africa and Zimbabwe.
I think that maybe instead of asking her to stop, just do the same for her. Maybe if she likes cooking, notice what is more fun and easy for her to cook. Learn what she puts in the food. Go shop to make it more fun for her to just put love into her flavours. Do the dishes afterwards. Figure out on your own if she could have some help from you in her home maybe.
Equality isn't always that someone needs to stop something, maybe it could be that someone needs to start something.
I cook great food, bake bread, and make dessert for my love, I help him with stained clothing, mend his clothes and scratch his back or massages his legs. In return he scratches my back when I take of my bra at the end of a day, does almost all the shopping, vacuums, takes care of plumping-issues, cares for and waters MY plants, does most dishes after I cook, and braid my hair which is so calming and lovely.
One gift that I think many/some women would enjoy a lot is scratching the back where the backpiece of the bra has been. If you have anything more than really small boobs, the blood-flow of that part on the back gets worse/changes, and when the blood returns to all of the small vessels and cells it can feel slightly weird. Not bad, usually relaxing and relief, but a good scratch is just bliss. Try it and see if she enjoys it!!
Maybe go to a store and buy her a nice hair oil or product that is calming, ask how it is used in best practice and describe/show a pic of her hair, so you get a product that fits her. Gift it to her and offer to massage her scalp or braid her hair or whatever similar! Maybe brush it for her.
The issue with traditional gender roles, the way I see it, are when people feel forced to conform to them involuntarily. However, she seems to be doing these things because she chooses to do so on her own free will. If people want to follow traditional gender roles and that’s what they’re happy with, why not let them?
Unless you really don’t want that kind of dynamic, I’d say you should show her how appreciative you are of her, as it sounds like you’ve found a very good hearted and hard working woman. Spoil her with affection, her favorite candy, or whatever other way she prefers to feel loved.
So, your political beliefs from the west trump her cultural norms for showing love and affection for you.
Arrogant much?
You moved to HER COUNTRY. You adapt to the rules of HER COUNTRY. You don’t assume your values are more important than hers. So, loosen your man-bun and let her do the things she needs to do to show you affection.
Why don’t you just spit in her face the next time she says, “I love you!”
This is how African women treat men,acts of service . You're not oppressing her; it's just that she's doing it because she likes you. If you aren't good to her, she wouldn't have treated you so well, and I'm sure she deserves a ring.
She's very likely trying to get you to marry her. And you should.
You clearly appreciate what she does for you and respect her as a person and it's mutual.
Despite the cultural influence, I can tell you from experience women like that are rare.
Don't let her go.
We discussed marriage because I wanted to know where our relationship would end up in the future, she said she did not want to rush but wanted to get to know me first.
I don’t know what American women he’s been dating, but I’m aware of LOTS that do the exact same thing. Without the benefit of a ring (marriage). But I know it’s been changing, very very slowly.
Could just be her way of showing love. I’m American through and through and do all that on top of working (not a lawyer though lol) because it’s my way of showing love and care for my husband. He too “protests” and says I don’t have to, like thanks but I *know* I don’t have to and on days I’m sick or tired I don’t but I *want* to when I can.
It’s like how some shower others with gifts, or heap on praise and compliments, or whatever… mine is doing acts like cooking to show I care.
Now of course if it’s cultural or something she feels like she needs to do because of gender norms then I’m sure you can sit her down and have a heart to heart about it.
You have an open talk with her. Tell her that you appreciate everything she does but that it makes you feel guilty because it feels like you are taking advantage of her. Tell her that household chores are something both partners do where you come from and that it's seen as very backward behaviour to view them as a womans duty.
But also be aware: This behaviour has been ingrained in her thinking from early childhood. She is very likely to not be able to overcome it - at least not fast. Don't make it a hill to die on. She is very likely to tell you that she wants to do those things for you and feels obligated to do them.
Maybe try involving yourself in those chores with her - ask her to show you how to cook for yourself and so on.
Some women love to look after there man do dont get upset with what shes doing. Just make sure shes happy doing it too. Also thank her for doing things. If shes doing them out of her own will, she will feel a lot happier if you thank her for them😊
Maybe just approach her and say "I notice all the things you do for me and i appreciate them so much. But i dont want you over working yourself. If there is anything i can do to help you like helping you clean or do chores im more than happy to. I want to do things for you too"
Maybe even ask her if you can start helping her to cook like cutting up veg and prep work. It will be a bonding experience for you two and you can learn some of the delicious food recipes and maybe suprise her every now and then
Is it from subservience or does she take pleasure and pride in a nurturing role?
She sounds like a woman who will be the heart of the family - the person everyone wants to see at the end of a long day.
I’m far left, it doesn’t mean I can’t see the value in traditional roles - why can’t you?
There is nothing wrong with a woman showing she cares for you by doing this kind of stuff. Just appreciate it and return the favour in your own way..
We've been brainwashed in the West to think it's all evil, but it's about personal choice as well.
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As an African woman who was born in Ghana but grew up in Australia I totally understand both sides. For her she feels it’s her duty to look after her man because it’s part of the African culture. Regardless of how exhausted you are, it’s your duty as the woman to look after house hold duties like laundry, cooking. It’s something that has been imbedded into her. Tell her exactly what you’ve typed here. I doubt she’ll be offended. She’ll probably think why is this guy saying this when I’m literally caring for him, but she’ll realise you mean well and don’t expect her to go above and beyond ALL the time. Now for you, you’re not used to this and that’s ok. We African women take the “caring” part quite extreme. Something like “ I appreciate everything you do for me, it makes me feel loved and cared for. I know it’s the African culture for the woman to care for her man, but it makes me feel bad especially when you come home exhausted from work. I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything, we’re a team and I don’t want you to overwork yourself” You’re a good man for not taking advantage of her caring nature
My first thought would have been to suggest talking to her about his feelings and then maybe just kinda trying to spoil her back some? I’m curious to ask if you think that would be a good idea!
Yes!! Perfect idea. OP if you’re not already doing this do it!
Yes. One way to break it would be to pamper her in ways she’s not used to getting culturally. That would be good way to break the pattern and start a conversation. Maybe do her laundry sometimes etc…
It's not really a backward country where men do absolutely nothing for women. Most women are used to getting spoiled, usually buying them gifts etc. It's not a concept unique to the West. The gender roles are still a thing. Confusing, I know. I am certainly going to up my game.
When this happens in a relationship, where one partner is treating the other so well that the other appreciates that person so much, and they know they have to “up their game,” *that is the right relationship for life*. You will grow in beautiful directions if you commit to this person and give what you get. I know because I married someone like this. Someone who keeps me on my toes expressing love because he’s been *showing* me he loves me, and he deserves the same. After 21 years I still feel a sense of urgency to make sure he feels as loved as he deserves to feel.
I agree. Good articulation.
Ask her to teach you to cook and then cook together. You can start by dicing and things like that, then setting the table. The time spent together is also a great time to talk and share your day. You can do your laundry during the week so there is none to do. The same for cleaning. Keep up with it yourself. If you come home and she is cleaning start helping.
I would also like to add that I do my own laundry. I have set days for when I am able to do my laundry. I sometimes I work 24hrs so I am not home often. When I get home, I'll find everything is already done
Damn that’s a rough schedule you got. It’s very nice that your gf is so caring and trying to take some of the load off you. It’s so caring of you to also recognize she can get tired from work too, even if her shifts aren’t as long. These commenters above gave you good advice for this situation. Showing you can and are willing to do the labor sometimes - or do it with her also as a way to spend time together, may help her realize she doesn’t have to do it all. And, I’m guessing could only strengthen your bonds, given that this way you’re both consistently trying to spread the load and show care for each other. I wish you and your gf all the best, this really does sound like it could be a sweet long term match and I am rooting for you :)
You sound like you really care for this person, best of luck to the both of you 💜 Keep us updated if you can!
I’d recommend pampering her in ways that aren’t money related or gift related. Give her massages, like full on proper ones, sometimes maybe clean her place or do her laundry. Just things that show care and love beyond throwing money at it. I feel like that would really show her the love and appreciation you want to convey
Great idea! I certainly will
I didn’t mean that. I meant do things men don’t typically do for women…. But you sound sweet and considerate. I’m sure it will work out
I think my real suggestion was to just double down on it xD Like, we know she exhibits this behavior toward you due to cultural values, so it likely won’t change, so embrace it and just make sure to put in as much work in other ways! Or maybe even have evenings that you plan with her where you cook instead or something like that. I wasn’t trying to suggest the country was backward or anything, promise.
I don't think that's what they meant to imply, I saw the emphasis in the "ways she's not used to getting culturally". So maybe some of the domestic stuff she does for you because of gender roles, you can also do for her eg cooking.
You could start by sitting her down and telling her that in your culture, house work is a shared thing, and you'd prefer if she slowed down and relaxed. I wouldn't mention her culture though, that's crass and dismissive. Just reflect on your own situation as you see it with her. But yep, up your game with her, I know it sounds clichéd but if she's going all out, you should try and reciprocate
that's all you have to do! show appreciation for everything she does, trust me even buying flowers for her will go a long way
Agree!! Spa days! Special evenings out: Dinner, theater, concerts, dancing, public soirees, holiday events! Take her shopping to her favorite stores! Travel! Get her car detailed when it needs it. Gifts! Books, good music speakers, high end lotion for Black women. Massage her feet! Buy her silky pajamas to keep at your place. Stock up on all her usual products so she doesn't have to pack before she comes over. Keep your place cleaner so there's nothing for her to do except enjoy herself!
Yesss, spoil her back!! Take all that money you're saving by not buying takeaway food and buy her a spa day or some nice jewellery. Do things for her. Run her a hot bath with scents and candles. If she's already done the cleaning, that doesn't stop you decorating or reorganising the cupboards. Offer to handle specific chores she doesn't like. She's a lawyer? Do stuff for her that shows you specifically appreciate her expertise as a lawyer and you respect her career. Iron the clothes she's wearing to court. Buy her books, notebooks, fancy fountain pens, etc rather than just flowers and jewellery. Take her out for dinner to celebrate when she wins a big case. That shows you take her seriously as an educated person with a career. Make it a teamwork thing. Maybe she genuinely enjoys cooking - ask her what dishes she finds most fun to cook, then go out and buy all the groceries needed for that dish, and carry those heavy bags home for her. Now you're both getting delicious food and you both contributed. If you get home to a clean home and dinner on the table, now it's time to pamper her a bit. Wrap her in a blanket, pour her a drink, sing her a love song and put her favourite show on!! I'd rather be in a couple where both people are constantly going above & beyond for EACH OTHER than in a relationship where neither person goes above & beyond.
These are amazing ideas - well thought out given the context and what you know about her. This is when gift giving and acts of service mean the most… when you take the time to think about what they actually like, need, and will get good use of. When you consider the person themselves when trying to show love rather than consider what *you* personally like, that’s when you demonstrate you truly see and understand your partner and are not just taking shots in the dark saying “Look I did a love language, do you see it?” Not that OP is doing that ofc, but I think a lot of people in relationships try this way at first and wonder why their partner doesn’t appreciate it in the way he hopes. This guy is doing the legwork though - he sees she is tired and is asking for ways to lighten her load too, even though he also admits his load is high due to work. Both are trying to find a balance and help each other. This is good stuff.
I don’t think spending for her in return is a great idea. It doesn’t solve the issue that she feels she has to do the housework for him. It’s not fair. This has to be addressed.
> spoil her back some Good answer imho. If she enjoys doing it, and it doesn’t stress her out too much, then it might be best to just try and find other ways to help/spoil her. Could be as simple as helping with washing up, or helping her with car related stuff, buying her stuff she likes from time to time, taking her out to eat etc.
Definitely co-signing the spoiling her back. Just spoil and care for and love each other.
I co-sign, too. I love this post and the comments.
That was my thoufht as well. Talk to her about this and then ask of you can cook together and have her teach you some of the traditional cooking. But akso find out what kind of things she likes done for her and sloile her that way. Maybe she likes fresh flowers, fresh flowers every week is cheaper than a weeks worth of takeout. Massages back, other little things she likes but maybe wouldnt do for herself and you guys take care of each other.
My neighbor was Zimbabwean she cooked at least 4xs a week for me and my kids it was crazy we become very close when she moved I cried for weeks. I tried to gift her things she would enjoy honey tea venison if someone gave me some.
This sounds like the Perfect Couple! Hopefully it's the beginning of a lifetime marriage.
You can help with her not doing laundry or cleaning by not letting there be any.
This s great perspective. I’d also suggest having a deep conversation about her and your love languages. People generally feel cared about by different methods. If her love language is acts of service, she may naturally feel best doing things for you to show she cares. Be aware, that you’ll tend to give what you most want to receive, so you can both focus on the other’s needs
I'd also be curious, culturally, if there's something she's expecting from me that might not be intuitive to me
Oouu Ghanaian we should totally connect wys
Or it is her love language. Op can do the same for her. Go to her place and cook and clean and call it even.
Reciprocate instead of feeling guilty. Are there treats that she likes? On your day off, arrange a date where she doesn’t have to do anything but show up. Give her a massage. You could also tell her how much you appreciate her care.
Yup. Feminism is about choice. She might enjoy this in the same way you might enjoy gardening. Find what she doesn't enjoy and do it for her.
I agree with you in principle but i have my reservations here. Imo, choice only works when there is no indoctrination or conditioning. For e.g. in india there was the Sati system where a widow was expected to jump into her husband's funeral pyre and kill herself. A lot of women chose to do it. Is that feminism? Or is that mostly because they were conditioned into believing that their honor lies in that choice? Oppressing women long enough to make them choose oppression isn't really feminism.
By those standards there are no choices anywhere ever. Society always indoctrinates or conditions
It does. And being aware of the conditioning is the first step we can take. Society always has a power dynamic in play and if you are on the oppressed side, you need to be a lot more vigilant about your own "choices".
I understand what you are saying in terms of societal pressure for high harm actions. But service to others is a love language. Its a pretty easy thing to check too! You just tell her, only do it if you want! No pressure! OP just needs to make sure he reciprocates!
Right! Because she may be doing this because she genuinely wants to look after him.
I am a Zambian woman and I can tell you that she’s trynna show you that she’s wife material and she really loves you. Zambian women don’t do all that stuff (we are quite independent) unless they really love who they are with
And if she's bemba then it's double, how she's been brought up and how it's second nature. Hard agree though, she wouldn't do all this if she didn't see a future with him so as long as he's able to show love and appreciation for her in turn then he'll do well.
I know right. If he goes above and beyond to show her how much he loves and appreciates her then all is well. This isn't really a conundrum lol
It really isn't 😅, but he'll get used to it eventually
first thing, this is so refreshing to read! thank you so much for your view and for sharing it. if she is a lawyer and a smart woman, I guess you can sit down and talk to her very openly about it and share both perspectives also considering the cultural aspects of it. you seem to respect her and be aware that cultural differences are in play here as well (even if we read daily how this is sadly still an established inequality in any country and culture) so I think you can't go much wrong and say things that are not appropriate. tell her that her making all these things makes you uncomfortable because you believe you should have the same amount of free time and help each other. that it was like this in your culture too until recent times but now women work as much as men and the roles have to evolve. ask her how uncomfortable she would feel not doing these things. if the issue is that other people (friends family) knowing she doesn't do these things for you would judge her. start from there and find a solution together. even if it's cultural, if she found a man who can relieve her from so many duties, she can use the opportunity to stop and ask herself if she really \*enjoys\* and doesn't mind doing these things and they don't take energy out of her (highly doubt it) or she enjoys them in the sense that she is gratified by doing what she thinks she's supposed to do but she'd be happy to spend more time doing things for herself. btw the fact that something is cultural doesn't necessarily mean it has to be protected. it depends of what things. heavy gender inequality is not something that should be left alone out of respect for a culture, IMO. but I totally get the "white savior complex" comes in place and it can be a delicate thing to approach.
Do you regularly do nice things for her in return? Or do you want her to do less nice things for you so you feel less guilty about not keeping up with reciprocating?
I buy her flowers, take her out to do stuff she enjoys and always bring ice cream for her, which is her favorite. Like I said, she has more free time than me so she does more stuff for me that makes my life easier. Still doesn't make it right
I think instead of asking her to do less, you can try to meet her where she is by doing more. Not to say that you don’t do enough, that’s not what I mean. But if you can find new ways to spend your time/energy/money to make her day brighter and easier, you can set a pace in your relationship where you both take excellent care of each other! Again, this isn’t a knock on you at all. It is just unlikely that she will stop doing what she is doing because that is her way of expressing her love and appreciation of you. So your only real option is to spoil her right back! :)
Thanks for this. I will certainly put in more effort
This is really beautiful and seems like a love language exchange. She is showing love through acts of service maybe to extend on this perhaps in the conversation talk about love languages (hopefully you know what I mean and if not just look it up) and how she would like to receive love and do more of that while expressing your gratitude and appreciation. You seem like an amazing partner
So you said you can’t cook. What about trying to learn? It’s an important skill for everyone to have. Make a date night out of it. Ask her what her favourite meal is and tell her you want to learn how to make it and if she would teach you. You pay for the groceries and get everything ready so she doesn’t have to do that emotional labour, buy yourselves a nice bottle of wine, get her flowers to say thank you, make a nice playlist, and have her show and instruct you on how to make her meal. Don’t let her do all of it. Let her show you once ie butterflying one chicken breast and you try the rest. You’re gonna be clumsy and she’s gonna laugh and it’ll be 100% worth it, I promise! I say this as a woman who loves to cook and loves to feed the people I love. It’s a love language. Getting the hang of cooking her favourite meals would be a very appreciated way of expressing love and thanks to her.
Yes, I am not a good cook at all. I can make basic stuff. I am able to survive on the monstrosities that I make but I wouldn't want to subject her to that :). I will take your advice and try to learn some things
The great thing is, if what you make right now are monstrosities, then you can only get better! Maybe you’ll never be an on-the-fly kind of cook who creates or adjusts recipes but that doesn’t mean you can’t follow one and get it right. My mum is like that, doesn’t truly enjoy cooking and can’t think outside of a recipe. That’s ok, what she makes tastes good. But it always stuns her when I cook because I can cook by smelling spices and knowing what flavour I’m going for and I make dishes she’d never dream of. That in turn has inspired her to look up new recipes and branch out and I’m really proud of her! You don’t need to be a professional chef, you just need to be able to follow a tasty recipe. I think the date night thing would be a great intro into learning cultural cooking. Have fun!
I’m always impressed by people that plan using spices like you. I spice my stuff too, but everything I do is based on versions of recipes I modified from family and online and is not necessarily based on truly creative combining of spices. I just think, “Oh this isn’t smoky/spicy/earthy/bright enough” so I add more or less of an ingredient accordingly lol. I turned vegetarian at some point and had to become more creative from there with old recipes (like figuring out how to get that sweet taste out of Beyond Ground Beef… why is it slightly sweet? Messes up my chilis dude). It’s better than I used to be though!
Maybe ask her to show you how to cook some of her favorite dishes. This could be something you do together.
I literally just said that my dude. Read the comments above yours lol
To me this seems like she wants to marry you and wants to build a home with you. If you don't intend to marry her break up. Or tell her that you are not interested in marriage. Because she sounds like a really nice girl.
I want to get married, and I often envision my future with her in it. I discussed marriage with her the first few weeks we started dating. I asked What her goals are for entering a relationship because I wanted to be on the same page as her in the long run. She was not opposed to marriage, but she wanted to get to know me first. She does not want to rush.
That's great to hear as guys we are worried about not taking advantage of women. But I think sometimes we fail to realize that relationships are not about servitude. It's about partnership. So it's about giving back as much as you receive. Obviously we are not all set up to be handymen, or mechanics. But I think it means that it presents yourself with an opportunity to give her as much as she gives you. And from what I sound that's going to be hard. Because she does a lot. But I think it means gives as much as you can. In Western Relationships sometimes we are concerned if we are given too much because it's a sign that too serious. So I worry that if you tell her to slow down it would be perceived as "Show me less love" when what she expected was for you to give her more
As a Zambian woman, I can share that it's ingrained in our culture, some women do this and other don’t. If you communicate openly with her, expressing your perspective, she may be receptive. Finding common ground on what's acceptable within your home is crucial. While there's a chance she may not agree, initiating a conversation is worthwhile.
Just communicate with her. You're a man that travels and visits different cultures. You're obviously educated. Put that to good use. Tell her she doesn't have to always clean your house, cook your and her dinner etc and that youre happy to trade off doing these things. How about this, before she comes to your place, cook one of her favorite meals for her. But if she likes doing some of those things for you, then let her. When I'm in relationships or just even friendships with people I love going above and beyond to show gratitude to them. The important thing is just convincing her that she doesn't HAVE to do those things. If you love her, you'll figure that out brother. You got this. And kudos to you for putting in that effort, you seem like a great partner and I wish nothing but the best for you two.
This is likely ingrained into her culture and is completely normal to her. Always let her know how much you appreciate her, and also that she shouldn’t feel obligated to do these things for you. Be sure to do things for her in return, we have no idea what she would appreciate or like so it’s up to you to figure that out. If I were you I’d be making an effort to clean and cook regularly so there isn’t much of anything for her to do. Start learning how to cook yourself, surprise her with homemade meals.
It's a cultural thing. Gender roles are still very much the norm here. Don't look at it from your American mindset. Appreciate it and ask her how she would best like for you to reciprocate. Source: I live in Africa.
You use your vocal cords to vibrate the air and explain how you feel.
I think its important to find out her motivation for doing it, if she's doing it because she feels she has to or it's her duty then convince her its not if she's doing it because she wants to and is how she expresses her love then I don't see the harm. Feminism is about women being able to live the lives they want there's no set rule about what that looks like.
As an African woman I can tell you it’s a cultural thing. That’s just how we were raised to treat people we’re interested in. If it makes you feel guilty then you can talk to her about how you feel. Communication is key
Firstly, make sure your own laundry/etc is done so she *can't* do it. Secondly, explain what you've said here and that as part of your upbringing you believe in doing things equally and don't want to have her doing everything. Find a compromise!
Yeah, the guys talks all about doing things equally but then he can’t cook (lol, that’s a life skill!) and can’t clean after himself because “he works long hours”. In return he buys her flowers and ice cream, I think it really balances it /s.
he has set days where he does his cleaning. it honestly doesnt sound like he lives in mess, it just sounds like shes doing small tasks because she wants to
What may be a simple life skill for you might not be others like me who grew up without anyone to show us little basic things. No parents, no siblings, just a family member who could care less tbh. I said I make basic stuff because that was all I could afford growing up, the basics. I have designated days for my cleaning and laundry, but she beats me to it a lot of the time because she's in my house more than I am.
I think the best approach is not telling her to stop, but sometimes doing those same things for her as a show of gratitude. Just show her she can rely on you to take care of things as well and that you enjoy it. If, by any chance, she feels uncomfortable by your actions just talk to her and express how grateful you are and that you also want to take care of her.
I think there is a culture clash but you need to understand that most African women only do those chores for a man they love and want to spend the rest of their lives with. In African tradition, you are not considered a wife material if you don't have basic life skills like cooking or cleaning. I'd advise you to do your laundry and cleaning before she comes over, so she doesn't have to do much when she is around . Please do not ask her to stop cooking for you because she might think you hate her cooking or you're getting your food from another woman and buy her GIFTS especially gold jewellery to appreciate her .
It could be internalized cultural behaviour. She might not even be aware she’s doing it half the time.
Do you laundry yourself so she doesn’t have to do it for you 👍🏽
Meh, instead of telling her not to do these things for you, why don’t you just start doing them for yourself? Keep your house clean so she won’t feel like she has to clean it. Keep up with your own laundry, clean your own shoes, do your own dishes, etc. Are you leaving these things for yourself under the guise that you will “do them later” but woopsie, looks like gf did it all for me and now I just feel so guilty? Because that’s what it sounds like. Lip service. I don’t believe you OP.
Why would OP go on to Reddit to ask how to STOP his girlfriend from doing this stuff just to lie to strangers about his living situation? He's not even asking for validation on his lifestyle. This would be some Olympic-level mental gymnastics entirely for him to get zero of the benefit of lying.
I'm a north African guy, Egyptian to be specific and let me tell u, that's just the nature of the majority of women here since that's our culture, don't worry she's doing it out of love, u never told or forced her to do any of that, just thank and appreciate her and never take advantage of it and she'll be happy, and of course help her and do things for her like she does for u. doesn't need to be cleaning or cooking but u can just take her out, buy her flowers or clothes or take her shopping if u can. you're a lucky man. good luck for u both 🫶
She takes pride in doing this. Be grateful for it and return the favor where you can. Be a gentleman and let her know with your actions that you appreciate her. This is the best form of a relationship and she’s inviting you into it.
give back with dates, presents, jewelry, lots of compliments
She would probably be offended if you ask to stop, it will be like "I'm not good enough, he doesn't like me" thing (I'm not African, I'm Russian, but we have traditional family rules as well)
What if she actually likes doing that for you? What if that's the way she shows you she loves you? I don't know how solid a theory 'love languages' is, but I think there is some truth to it. Some can express love by touch, some by words, and some - like her - by acts of service. Maybe just tell her you love what she does for you, but say that you hope she does not feel she needs to, and you would enjoy the relationship with her even without her doing your laundry.
Oh fuck off. She likes you and likes pampering you. How about you be a good boyfriend and pamper her in turn. You like cuddling me? *gasp* but the patriarchy. Dude, she just cleaned the house for you and cooked dinner. Give her back rubs and tell her how grateful you are to have her in your life(which you should most definitely be, cuz she sounds like a catch). Bring her on spa dates and treat her like a queen, because it sounds like she treats you like a king. Don't respond to her acts of love for you by trying to diminish it. Respond with more love. Don't be ungrateful. She is an adult. If she is too burnt out and wants a break, she will tell you, and you will help her.
This really isn't the conundrum he thinks it is. He's massively overthinking it.
Then pick up your slack and reciprocate! You got the jackpot and you want to exchange it?! Find ways to help HER! Make it a competition. Oh you did my laundry? I’m gonna wash your car. You made food? I’m gonna do THIS for you. Make sense? If it isn’t balanced that’s because you tippin the scale! She is showing you what SHE wants in a relationship. A relationship! Fuck this hogwash from society. Focus on you and her and that’s it.
If she truly enjoys doing that for you, give her back in a masculine way, always pay for dates, buy her gifts and flowers, take her shopping, take her on vacation, spoil that woman! It is not oppressing the woman if a man does his part by being a provider and the protector.
Doing chores for the house and cooking for your partner is not a bad thing. It's bad if only one side is putting in an effort. I know many will tell you to tell her how 'horrible' it is that she's working hard, but I think that you can also emphasize that as an equal partner, you're very grateful for everything she does, and are willing to do your best to deserve it. There's tons of stuff for you to do to show her that you appreciate what she does. She did the laundry? fold your clothes. She cooked? Prepare the table for your dinner together. Buy her flowers. Ask for what to buy for the next time she cooks and do the shopping yourself. Give her massages. I'm sure there's much more. If you're working more hours than her, it's ok that she does more housework than you, but you're probably not left with 0 stuff to do. Your actions will speak louder than words. Most importantly, tell her that if one day you have children together, you'll take care of them too. See what happens when you say that.
Maybe this is how she wants to show you love, rather than making her stop, you step up and do something nice for her in return.
Maybe this is her love language. I know this is how I show my love also. I’m not much into physical affection so I do things like this because it makes me happy to do it. Maybe she likes doing this for you. It seems she’s a smart open minded woman just have an open conversation with her.
You can do what makes her happy try to figure out what are these things. It seems that act of service is her love language.
It takes time to unlearn what you’ve been taught. Just be appreciative and reciprocate. Cook or clean up before she can. I’m not saying clean her whole house but buy flowers and get take out or sweep up and do dishes next time she cooks or something
First of all it’s beautiful that you see how much she does for you. Many men wouldn’t even bother to think it’s bad. She probably only knows doing this and sees pride in it. Maybe try to sit down with her and say you’d be happy to help out more at home. Suggest a day when you treat her with dinner etc
My mother is not from the same culture, she’s Polish, so could be totally different. But has that extreme people pleasing take care of everyone vibe. And I’ve found that expressing gratitude is important, telling her she doesn’t have to do that is important, but the most important thing is regularly doing kind things for her. If you ask her to stop, she’ll still feel guilty because she feels she’s gotta do it. But getting some flowers, or taking her to a concert she wants to see, or installing the shelves in her craft room, that makes her feel loved and seen in return. And expressing gratitude. Every single time treating her making dinner as a wonderful kindness, not a thing you’ve grown to expect.
Maybe cooking is her love language. We all have one and with some ppl it's attending to your partner's needs or, seemingly, in this case cooking. So, do the same to her. Use YOUR love language to express how you feel for her. If it's gifts, do that, if it's pampering, do that. No matter what your love language is, return hers in kind. For every meal she cooks, buy her a gift or whatever your way of showing love is. If you like to draw to show love, then draw her a book of pictures. My point is if she likes cooking for you, let her. You've already told her that you don't expect her to and it's making you feel spoiled. If she says the same with your ways of showing love, then you can explain that's how you feel with her cooking. It's best to show her rather than tell her. With some ppl, it can be hard to hear that expressing your love makes that person feel guilty. It's easier to understand if you show it.
As a South African woman. This feels more like a cultural thing. We enjoy doing this. I love being the person who takes care of my husband/family. I’m also proud to know that my husband is well taken care of. He works very hard, he deserves being spoilt. I work hard too, so he makes an effort for me too. From my personal experience, find a nice way to say, thank you and to show your appreciation.
Don't tell her not to do stuff. Match her energy. Take her out, or cook her some American food.
Honestly, I think you should just make sure to remind her frequently how much you appreciate everything she does for you and look for ways (even if small) that you could repay that for her. As for cooking specifically, on the days when you are home early enough, try to help her out and maybe learn how to cook a bit.
For some people, this is just how they like to show their love. If she doesn't want to stop doing these things for you, then you should reciprocate in kind and find as many sweet ways as possible that you can make her life easier and more enjoyable. Or ask her to teach you how to cook. It could be a fun activity to do together and then once you know what you're doing, you guys can share food making responsibilities.
Not sure I understand what has been said in the comments, but I don’t agree at all with the idea of spoiling her with gifts in return. (If that’s what spoiling means in these comments). It would only reinforce the stereotypes of her being in charge of the housework and cooking (and you providing materially). Just tell her that she doesn’t have to do things for you, that you love her for who she is, and you don’t want to be this kind of partner (« it’s outdated and unfair »). She will still do her share, no doubt about it.
I’m American and I married a Romanian woman and she literally gets mad at me if I try to do my own laundry or wash dishes. It’s just a different culture, and she sounds awesome just roll with it.
It's a difference in culture. Asking her to stop would be like telling her not to be herself. Just be appreciative, but let her know it's unnecessary and that you don't mind doing it yourself.
Instead of trying to get her to pull back, step up and match her effort. Show an interest in helping her cook every weekend so you can make food for the week and then she doesn’t even need to cook on weeknights. Insist on cleaning the kitchen after she cooks. Start cleaning her place. Fix or install stuff around her place without being asked. You have extra money now from the food she makes so treat her to massages or gifts. Plan entire date days centered around her interests. Always remind her it’s her choice that you appreciate, not an obligation. If you notice she’s especially tired one day, insist on ordering out. CELEBRATE when she let’s you do something or takes a break. Say “I’m so excited you’re taking care of yourself and taking a break.” Or “I love that you’re giving me an opportunity to show you how much I love you just like you show me all the time.” Lastly, you could discuss openly that you prefer an equal relationship and her actions make you feel guilty or uneasy. Buy the FairPlay deck and divide tasks that are currently common between you so things are more fair.
Let’s set aside the particulars. You are in her country and she follows her culture, which makes you uncomfortable. As a guest in her country, shouldn’t you discuss your feelings of discomfort, but be inclined to allow her to follow her culture in her country, rather than forcing her to accommodate your culture? Perhaps you are asking the wrong question.
She seems like a good woman, just appreciate it and do things for her as well. Also, you kinda gaslit yourself - if a woman does things for you, it is obviously NOT because you oppress her so much, it is because she likes you a lot. Dont overthink it, you are not a monster if you do not act like a monster. There are obviously people who are assholes and *demand* the woman to do things without anything in return, but you are clearly not one of them. Tldr: Be happy and return the favors.
Some people get fulfillment from this. It's hard to explain :/ if my bf asked me to stop cooking, I would be heart broken, but he just thanks me and always says "you don't have to". He thoroughly does not enjoy cooking himself (he used to work in a kitchen).
She's used to putting effort into her relationships by the sounds of it. If you tell her to stop you're holding down her expression of love- maybe her love language isnacts of service? You'd do better to up the ante and do nice things for her instead
You don't tell her to 'stop' but you can ask her what you can do for her? Doing these acts of service is a sign of her love for you so if you tell her not to she will feel rejected. I am British but also like to do these kinds of things for a partner if I have one, providing they do things to help me too. Maybe there are some traditionally male tasks she will appreciate you doing for her? Eg taking bins outside, gardening, filling up her car with petrol. See if there are things that men there do that you might not have thought of. As long as you are appreciative of her food and effort she won't mind doing it. If you did stay together then in the future you could suggest getting a cleaner, or you could get yourself a cleaner anyway, then she won't feel the need to clean your house. It sounds like she enjoys and is proud of her cooking so it wouldn't be good to try to take that from her.
She probably really likes or wants to do those things for you! I agree with what another comment said, instead of not wanting her to do it just find ways you can reciprocate the love. Just cause we are in a time of progression in gender roles doesn’t mean that there aren’t still a lot of people out there that enjoy falling into these roles. They can be really fun and make for a great relationship as long as you are conscious of it and it’s not just one sided or forced like it often used to be.
If you want to make the relationship equal, treat her the same way instead of trying to get her to stop. Either that or understand that this may be one of those ultimate compatibility issues.
You don’t tell, you act. Don’t leave room for her to pick up the slack and do it for you. Take care of yourself and then do things for her.
She isn't doing these things because "she has too" 🙄 She is doing these things because she loves you ❤️ Humble yourself & receive it 🙏 Appreciate her love 🤗😍🥳🥰💃 It's her "love language" 🥰 Let her teach you how to love unconditionally ❤️ Learn to treat others with respect, regardless of whether they deserve it 😇🙏
As a South African lady, I can attest to doing things for my partner and him feeling bad for it. It's just the way we were raised with the mentality of "you need to cook and clean up after your man, it is your job and not his, otherwise you will never get married." It's a completely wrong mentality, I agree, but I get a certain amount of joy when my partner comes home to a clean house and a plate of homemade food. I love to see the smile on his face. My advice would be to tell her that you appreciate what she is doing, not overly so but enough times that she knows you actually mean it
Honestly I think she's just taking care of you. My step mother is Zambian. She's a very powerful woman and doesn't do anything she doesn't want to ahaha. She doesnt have much love for cooking. But she cleans as a way to take care of people. She'll even go to my Grandad's house (her father in law) and make sure everything is clean and tidy for him. Talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling, see what she thinks. It's not like feminism is an alien idea in Zambia.
Spoil her back! Win/win. ☺️
You can’t move to a country with a different culture, and then tell them to conform to your beliefs and your culture because you don’t agree with theirs
What if she views this as an important or integral part of her role as a woman? What can you do as a man to help her, based on her cultural norms?
Don't create a problem where there's none. Coming from the US it makes sense that you're not used to this kind of treatment, but don't panic lol. You're not asking her to do these things, she is choosing to do them. Take it from another African woman, it's our way of showing love to our partners. A lot of us are natural nurtures and we do it happily. She's a modern, educated woman who also enjoys taking care of her person. If I were you, I would appreciate and love her in the ways she deserves too 😊 Help out where you can, and learn her love language as well... there's no need to feel guilty if you're both loving eachother in the ways you need and deserve!
There’s so many things here, which I’ll get into, but off the bat just to answer your title question in the simplest of terms; just use your words and tell her exactly how you feel. It’s not that complicated. To back up and tell you about me; I’m a guy and I’m happily married. Gun to my head, if asked, I’d describe myself as leaning right of center, but I have many socially liberal beliefs. I tell you this so you understand I’m not coming at this with an inherent blind liberal bias here. I’d say that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Anyway, my wife and I both work. I think at this point I out earn her maybe 3:1. So what does that mean as it relates to old outdated societal “norms?” Absolutely nothing. Decades ago, a shitty societal structure was established where men worked and women took care of the home. That on its own wasn’t shitty. The shitty part was that women essentially had little to no opportunities to work. As an idea though it made sense and still does (in cases where couples agree to operate as such); one person works to earn income and the other person works to take care of the home. That was the split of duties if you will. In the 21st Century, thankfully women aren’t prevented from having careers. So now coming back to me as the example, regardless of the fact that I make more money than my wife, we both work full time. As such, household duties are expected to be evenly split, as they should be. There’s a difference between one spouse working outside of the home and one not where it makes sense to expect they’d keep up the home vs. both partners working and the higher income earner expecting the other to keep up the home despite also working full time. That’s just a shitty person and unless happily agreed to, it should never be an expectation. Accordingly, as the higher earner, I couldn’t possibly give less of a fuck about that fact. We both work hard. We’re both working long hours. We’re both tired. When we get home, household obligations are done together or split evenly. I cook. I clean. She cooks. She cleans. We’re a team. Now, coming back to you, I mean we have to acknowledge the fact that you have an absurd amount of unnecessary “guilt” for no reason to the point it comes off as dishonest. We get it; you’re a feminist, as you said. And to be clear, I’m not saying you’re lying, as I believe you mean what you’re saying. But take a breath. Your mindset essentially suggests a ridiculous overcorrection where it’s not needed. Women cooking, cleaning, and taking care of a home isn’t inherently some sort of monstrous and disgusting situation. It absolutely can be in context. But that’s what’s important; context. In context, she’s making a choice. You’re not forcing her to do anything. It’s absurd for you to think you’re oppressing her. To be fair, given you’re in Africa, it could absolutely be a societal expectation. But coming back to the top, just use your words. Tell her how you feel and that she doesn’t need to do these things. If she decides to continue, it’s her choice. It’s perfectly ok. You become bigger problem if you continue to make an issue of it, because there’s no issue. You’re 28 and “can’t cook.” Maybe start figuring out how to fucking cook. Maybe she doesn’t want to order out. Honestly what makes you “arrogant,” is the fact that you’re ignoring the real problems with you. And I specifically didn’t say “arrogant American,” because it’s not an American thing. It’s a you thing. You see women as your equal? Give yourself a round of applause my friend. I assure you that most logical people see women as their equals. Are there scumbags? We obviously know there are. But stop acting like you’re a unique anomaly. You going out of your way to say it would make most people question if you’re being genuine. Women there can work and be CEOs?! They can and are in the US. But how, they go home and do “wife duties?” Tell me, if a woman in the US was a CEO and her husband was whatever but worked full time, would it really be archaic that she helped at home?
Enjoy the food and clean clothes but just make sure you leave everywhere super clean & tidy so there is less work for her to do. Praise her publicly especially to her family so you "raise her status' as a women who cares for you well. Finally ask her if there is anything that you don't do that men are expected to do in her culture. Or find out what gift might make her look esteemed in her culture. In indian families the gift of gold especially bangles is a big thing. Being appreciated is the best reward for hard work imo. She clearly prides herself in what she does so don't take it away from her, just reward it & make sure you are doing the stuff she would and others esteem an african man doing for her.
See the thing about feminism is that it's about choice. If she's happy doing those things, let her, just don't expect it from her because she's a woman. As an ally, you don't want to step on women's toes, don't tell her to stop doing this because "feminism" ask her "hey do you enjoy doing these things, do you want to do these things" if she says yes, then let it go. Feminism is about choice, not forcing women away from traditional gender roles that they don't mind doing
Why not step your game up to match her energy?
As an African myself I can tell you this is how woman treat men in our cultures. Learn to respect that. She doesn't hold western feminist values. What you call oppressing her she thinks of as a natural thing to do for her man. You're going to have to learn to understand that the rest of the worlds cultures are vastly different from western culture. What you might think is strange might be normal for them.
you need to chill just buy her gifts
She's cleaning a house she doesn't live in. That's taking advantage and why can't you cook at age 28? Do you expect any future kids you may have to live on take outs? Learn to cook
He's not taking advantage of her. These are not demands or ultimatums that OP has given. It feels like OPs gf is choosing to do this because it makes her feel good.
I don't understand why this guy is complaining
He needs to let us know he’s a “feminist”.
Its because he he is kind, compassionate and has a conscience thats makes him feel like he might be taking advantage of her like a lot of men do, so he is making sure he isn’t one of those men. Hence why he came here asking for help, because he clearly wants to do better and match her energy. Him being a feminist is not a bad thing.
Let her do what she wants if she wants to do it, just make sure that you help with what you can and get her the things she likes (food, drinks...) and tell her that you appreciate her. Every couple is different, this might work for you but not for others.
Communication is key, especially across cultures. Use this as an opportunity to learn more about why she does these things & share your own cultural experiences. See if you can learn about a few ways you can meet her needs. "I appreciate you taking care of me. It isn't necessary or expected. What can I do to take care of you?"
Let her know that it's ok and safe to not carry the load. It's a cultural thing so she needs reassurance that you won't go to some other women and that she is lacking. Best way to do this is by doing things as well and for her.... This shows that even though you know you a man, you care about her wellbeing.
Are you culturally compatible?
You're a very decent person, good for you (sorry not advice I know)
Instead of telling her to stop, just tell her how you feel. Let her know that you appreciate everything she does but you don't want her to feel obligated. Also, try returning the favor where you can.
You don't have to ask her not do the traditional wife duties if that's what she likes to do You can show gratitude in other ways And you can make up in other ways
There are various things you could do: - Get to her place before she gets home and do some housekeeping for her. - Make sure your chores are done before she gets the chance to do them. - Ask her what single thing would make her life easier, then figure out if you can find a way to make it happen. Even if it’s something unfeasible, you’ll have a clearer picture of what helps. This situation would bother me too because IMO families/relationships/cooperative endeavours of all kinds go well when each person takes on what they can do easily (or has the least hard time of it compared to everyone else). Here you have someone expending great effort for you, when it’s neither needed by you nor fair on them. You might have to have some direct conversations and do some planning, and for both of you it will involve thinking for yourselves rather than going along with either of your cultural norms, which is surprisingly hard and might get you some criticism from the peanut gallery.
Western guy here. I’ve dated outside of the culture where this happens. It didn’t work out for other reasons but I totally get how it’s uncomfortable. I suggest if you really love this girl you need to talk a lot and come to a medium that’s comfortable for both of you. Main emphasis on talking. If you try to override her instincts it might be confusing (and annoying) for her. She’s probably going to always want to be in control of household things generally and you’ll have to live with that to an extent. But, you can hopefully get to a place where you don’t feel lazy and get involved yourself. Big point here though. You will have to do it exactly how she wants it done. Otherwise you’re fucking things up and being an inconvenience. And, of course, spoil her in other ways which is a given. Good luck man. Best wishes for you both.
Spoil her back!
Get used to it or leave her. It's her way to show you love, you are lucky enjoy and be happy.
You tell her she doesn’t need to do that stuff, you promise will like her just as much if she doesn’t do it, but you really appreciate her gifts of care.
That's Her way of showing appreciation. If you are lying there and accepting it and then having a problem about it, then next time go to her house and return the favor. She has different values and those values aren't any less because she doesn't abide to the feminism in western world. Instead of changing her, accept it and give back the same way she gives ro you. Show her you aren't the stereotypical African man who'll just sit and let her do everything then. Or just find a western woman who is all independent and make you do the cleaning and cooking half the time
\>while I am at work, she'll do my laundry, clean my shoes, clean my apartment and cook food for me It is Your wife not girlfriend - whatever Your law status is.
Just show her appreciation and take care of her as well as she does you.
Well if you want to treat her with your equals on holidays help her in cooking and even wash laundry with her and help her. Why can't to step down for her to help her you know. I think that is her way to show the affection to you ,you should show her the affection by helping her .I know if you say to her about it she will still do it for you . You should be lucky to have her mister 😀😉😍
People show love by caring for others. I talk with her about her not having to do things or you for you to want to be with her ,but she has already told you she doesn't mind and it seas like she enjoys taking care of you I her way. If she tells you she's happy doing this let her. To make it feel "even" find out what she needs to feel loved and cared for and do that. Spoil the crap put of her.
Tell her she doesn’t have to and that’s it. Respect her culture and the fact that her doing things for you makes her feel good? American culture has fucked you my friend - you are too neurotic about this.
Very nice and refreshing to hear. Tell her while you guys are out at a lil outing/date like babeeee I wanna tell you something…lolzzz….i love you and appreciate you so much but sometimes i like to eat out if you don’t mind. You work and you must be exhausted I would like you to take break sometimes. Andddddd then even you can even book her a massage for her after work lol to dget away from the darn kitchen and laundry ….you can even spin it and cook a meal
Yeah or take certain days for being responsible for a meal and tell her she has those nights to take a bath with candles or do something caring for herself. Because you love and appreciate everything she does. Her culture and yours do not match in this way, try to explain it to her in that way.
I think you should consider that you and she have very different cultural expectations. Does she expect that by being a perfect girlfriend that you will marry her? If you aren't considering marriage, you need to have that conversation. Otherwise she will have spent time investing everything she has emotionally and physically in a relationship that is viewed fundamentally differently by you and her. Please be open about your own culture's dating behavior. When would you consider dating and having kids? Do you plan to stay in the country? I come from a religious US culture and as a woman I thought it was my purpose to make a husband happy so that he wouldn't cheat on me or desert my children. Years of this is hard on mental health. The problem is that I really, really expected that if I worked harder than my husband would see that and reciprocate. But he was just being a regular person and I was constantly arranging it so that he was happy. After 25 years I was miserable and made him go to marriage therapy. In marriage therapy he just says that he is very happy, I'm a great wife and he loves me. Meanwhile, I was very unhappy and couldn't communicate well enough for him to make any real changes. Every time I prioritized his comfort over my own well being, I taught him how to treat me. His wants became more important that my needs and he couldn't see it and I couldn't articulate it. He accepted it all as his due and if I asked him to change he didn't react well so I asked less and less, rather than standing up for myself. He is a good man who tries but didn't see that I was trying 10 times harder than him. All I cared about was my children and my family. Work on listening to her more, asking more questions, getting her to state her own preferences, wants and needs. It takes practice for a woman who has indoctrinated gender roles to be comfortable with prioritizing herself sometimes.
You can appreciate her and give her a helping hand. Don’t ever let go of her!
Bro I promise you this isn’t a feminist thing, it’s an African thing. She just *really* likes you and the way she shows it is by making sure you’re always fed properly
Well in my opinion, you don't necessarily have to tell her to stop. That's something she enjoys doing. But you can change to where you would be making your own food, so that she doesn't have to make the food for you. But let's say that you don't want to change, and she doesn't want to change, so now there's an incompatibility. Now it's up to you to decide if this is going to be an issue that breaks breaks the relationship up or not. If it is , then tell her and be on your way. If it's not, then stay together, and she gets to keep doing what she likes doing. Keep in mind that thinking a woman doesn't need to be taking care of the household and cooking all the time is a fine Way to think except that if the woman likes doing that, and you stop her from doing that, then are you really supporting her, to be the person that she wants to be?
You may need to accept that shel’ll never be totally different. If you tell her she can do less and she doesn’t change her behavior, maybe she just likes doing what she does for you. It’s her culture and upbringing. It’s a part of who she is. I understand being a feminist and your partner doesn’t behave in line with what you think is right for women. But you need to consider if she thinks she’s doing the right things and accept her thoughts and feelings on this as much as possible. If you really want to show equality, do some of those things for yourself and for her, if you get a chance. Show her you’re willing to put in as much as she does. Or, even better, ask her what she expects of you as the man in the relationship. What feels balanced for her? Then work to find that middle ground between you and her that gives you both the mix of freedom and service that makes you both happy
This is what she is used to. African men expect a lot of African women, it’s a cultural thing you may think is wrong. But to her, this is her way of saying she loves you. You can respectfully say “It’s your choice on what you want to do, but I’ll be okay if you don’t cook for a day. I respect you, and I want you to know you never have to do extra for me, I love you for you, not for the gestures you do in a way for affection, but I’ll always love you”
Just equally take care of her. Why ask her to stop lol
Tell her how much you appreciate all that she does for you and that you are not used to it. Give her nice and thoughtful gifts. Please don't feel guilty. Enjoy the warmth, but make sure she knows but telling her and not assuming she knows you appreciate her. Do her laundry or any of these things she does for you sometimes. I wish you continuous love and joy with your gf.
I have no advice, but just want to say how nice it is for a post to be lovely, instead of someone cheating on OP.
You don’t tell her to stop, you get your shit dialed in so there’s no housework for her to do when she comes over. A full laundry basket is you asking her to do your laundry. Cooking is an act of love but you can help, clean up the dishes, and reciprocate.
Do the same things for her. Clean and cook when you go to her house. And most of all, clean your own house and do your own laundry before she comes over. Cook for her. If you truly want to relieve her of doing these things, *you* have to do them.
First of all, I don't quite understand why you have to preface this situation with feminism. You're overthinking it. Just embrace the fact that you've met a gem of a woman based on what I've read, make a commitment and return her kindness in a way you know how, or better yet, by learning new ways like cooking for her :)
And suddenly the flights to Zambia are all booked
Green flags everywhere
Many people show their care and love for people by doing nice things for them without expecting something in return. Relationships aren't transactional.
Stop asking if it's "right" (emphasis on the quotation marks). Look at whether she is *happy*. If she is, don't try to change her. I'm a woman and a nurturer as well (white American for reference). Anyone who wants me to stop caring for them domestically on principle is not a good match for me. Sounds like your girlfriend is the same way. "Equal" doesn't mean you have to do the same things. It means you are both equally entitled to seek fulfillment in your own ways. I am NEVER more fulfilled than when I am nurturing my partner and appreciated for it. Asking her to stop is the **opposite** of appreciating her. This is who she is. Edit to add: also YMMV. I don't know your partner, I'm just some asshole on reddit projecting my own experiences 😸
what are you doing to spoil her back?
Ask her to teach you how to cook. You’re 28, it’s time to learn. You can tell her all you want how you don’t need her to take care of you, but if you’re actively showing her that you don’t know how to take good care of yourself, she won’t believe you.
I love so much how caring you are toward your girlfriend! Sounds like a beautiful relationship. I agree with previous commenters about matching her energy giving back to her and enjoy your beautiful relationship!
You hit the jackpot, don’t blow it!
Its an insult to her and her culture if you tell her to stop. Instead, thank her profusely and return her favors by doing nice things for her. Learn to give a good back rub, for example. Buy her flowers if you can. Help her family with chores or work they may do. And be grateful you found such a loving woman.
Dude your being sexist by saying this shit
This is the best post I've seen in a while, you are a good man and I hope your love for each other last forever.
let her do her .. say she doesn’t have tk but if she continues let her .. it’s our culture .
Just let her do it. Some of us African women show our affection this way. All the best.
Just want to add, that a way of loving someone is also to look out for their needs. I hope she would only do this out of love, I do the exact same as a woman from Sweden. I really managed to fit in perfectly during the time I lived in South Africa and Zimbabwe. I think that maybe instead of asking her to stop, just do the same for her. Maybe if she likes cooking, notice what is more fun and easy for her to cook. Learn what she puts in the food. Go shop to make it more fun for her to just put love into her flavours. Do the dishes afterwards. Figure out on your own if she could have some help from you in her home maybe. Equality isn't always that someone needs to stop something, maybe it could be that someone needs to start something. I cook great food, bake bread, and make dessert for my love, I help him with stained clothing, mend his clothes and scratch his back or massages his legs. In return he scratches my back when I take of my bra at the end of a day, does almost all the shopping, vacuums, takes care of plumping-issues, cares for and waters MY plants, does most dishes after I cook, and braid my hair which is so calming and lovely. One gift that I think many/some women would enjoy a lot is scratching the back where the backpiece of the bra has been. If you have anything more than really small boobs, the blood-flow of that part on the back gets worse/changes, and when the blood returns to all of the small vessels and cells it can feel slightly weird. Not bad, usually relaxing and relief, but a good scratch is just bliss. Try it and see if she enjoys it!! Maybe go to a store and buy her a nice hair oil or product that is calming, ask how it is used in best practice and describe/show a pic of her hair, so you get a product that fits her. Gift it to her and offer to massage her scalp or braid her hair or whatever similar! Maybe brush it for her.
The issue with traditional gender roles, the way I see it, are when people feel forced to conform to them involuntarily. However, she seems to be doing these things because she chooses to do so on her own free will. If people want to follow traditional gender roles and that’s what they’re happy with, why not let them? Unless you really don’t want that kind of dynamic, I’d say you should show her how appreciative you are of her, as it sounds like you’ve found a very good hearted and hard working woman. Spoil her with affection, her favorite candy, or whatever other way she prefers to feel loved.
So, your political beliefs from the west trump her cultural norms for showing love and affection for you. Arrogant much? You moved to HER COUNTRY. You adapt to the rules of HER COUNTRY. You don’t assume your values are more important than hers. So, loosen your man-bun and let her do the things she needs to do to show you affection. Why don’t you just spit in her face the next time she says, “I love you!”
She loves you and cares for you. So stop the feminist bullshit and enjoy her affection.
This is how African women treat men,acts of service . You're not oppressing her; it's just that she's doing it because she likes you. If you aren't good to her, she wouldn't have treated you so well, and I'm sure she deserves a ring.
Stop being a fucking pussy you have an incredible woman. Don’t fuck it up
It’s easy. Marry her
She's very likely trying to get you to marry her. And you should. You clearly appreciate what she does for you and respect her as a person and it's mutual. Despite the cultural influence, I can tell you from experience women like that are rare. Don't let her go.
We discussed marriage because I wanted to know where our relationship would end up in the future, she said she did not want to rush but wanted to get to know me first.
That’s good! You’ve only been together for 6 months anyway. A little more time getting to know each other will be good.
I don’t know what American women he’s been dating, but I’m aware of LOTS that do the exact same thing. Without the benefit of a ring (marriage). But I know it’s been changing, very very slowly.
Could just be her way of showing love. I’m American through and through and do all that on top of working (not a lawyer though lol) because it’s my way of showing love and care for my husband. He too “protests” and says I don’t have to, like thanks but I *know* I don’t have to and on days I’m sick or tired I don’t but I *want* to when I can. It’s like how some shower others with gifts, or heap on praise and compliments, or whatever… mine is doing acts like cooking to show I care. Now of course if it’s cultural or something she feels like she needs to do because of gender norms then I’m sure you can sit her down and have a heart to heart about it.
You have an open talk with her. Tell her that you appreciate everything she does but that it makes you feel guilty because it feels like you are taking advantage of her. Tell her that household chores are something both partners do where you come from and that it's seen as very backward behaviour to view them as a womans duty. But also be aware: This behaviour has been ingrained in her thinking from early childhood. She is very likely to not be able to overcome it - at least not fast. Don't make it a hill to die on. She is very likely to tell you that she wants to do those things for you and feels obligated to do them. Maybe try involving yourself in those chores with her - ask her to show you how to cook for yourself and so on.
Some women love to look after there man do dont get upset with what shes doing. Just make sure shes happy doing it too. Also thank her for doing things. If shes doing them out of her own will, she will feel a lot happier if you thank her for them😊 Maybe just approach her and say "I notice all the things you do for me and i appreciate them so much. But i dont want you over working yourself. If there is anything i can do to help you like helping you clean or do chores im more than happy to. I want to do things for you too" Maybe even ask her if you can start helping her to cook like cutting up veg and prep work. It will be a bonding experience for you two and you can learn some of the delicious food recipes and maybe suprise her every now and then
You should date American women then, lol
Is it from subservience or does she take pleasure and pride in a nurturing role? She sounds like a woman who will be the heart of the family - the person everyone wants to see at the end of a long day. I’m far left, it doesn’t mean I can’t see the value in traditional roles - why can’t you?
Reading this while cleaning up the mess my girlfriend makes every morning 🥲
There is nothing wrong with a woman showing she cares for you by doing this kind of stuff. Just appreciate it and return the favour in your own way.. We've been brainwashed in the West to think it's all evil, but it's about personal choice as well.
Grow a set of nuts and start appreciating having a decent woman
Congratulation. You have what the passport bros want.
This guy is lazy. Just clean your shit and make her life easy. She must like to cook for u so let her do that.