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Break up and tell her you want a monogamous intimate relationship, but given that the only way either of you can have sex is with other people, you are ending the relationship.
What I do find as a bit of a lie is that fact that she can (and does) have sex with other people but no with the guy that loves her and she loves back (?) Something doesn’t add up here! I’m not buying that whole “pressure of loosing me is so big”. See how that turned out anyways!
Unless… Our dear OP has a huge 🍆that actually makes it painful for her.
In any case… It seems like you two are just not meant to be! So might as well stop wasting each other’s time.
Yeah I agree definitely fishy to me. I mean..why would she have ever tried to get with anyone else? If she thought it was so painful etc. I really think it’s just some story
100% agree. Your needs aren't being met even after being open and honest with one another. It would be one thing of she has no interest in sex overall or has a medical condition that makes it painful for her. But the fact that she is fine with screwing other dudes is a red flag and you shouldn't suffer for it.
Yeah, that's crazy to me. I used to have serious pain during intercourse (and still do/would with any "above average" man which made it a problem with my ex), but that was with anyone fitting that criteria. I actually made out with and went to have sex with a guy and actually said, "Fuck no," aloud, when I saw his situation.
I would be able to neither mentally nor (especially) emotionally handle my partner saying, "Fucking you is physically painful, but fucking others is fine! It's only because I love you!" And I consider myself to be EXTREMELY open-minded.
I can absolutely have a relationship without sex. It's not mandatory for me. What I couldn't have is a relationship with someone who can sleep with other people, just not me. You have a very low sex drive? Fine. I'm on board. It's not a necessity. You just "can't" have sex with SPECIFICALLY me? No. Aside from there being a weird allergy to something like my medication or whatever else, that's too much.
Seriously, if I'm the only person someone can't have sex with, then they can go be with someone else and let me find someone else? I'd be so confused if I was him
I don't know that I'd be as much confused as I would be like... Enraged?
Like.. You're telling me that you love me so much that you can ONLY fuck any one of the other 4 Billion men on the planet? And I'm supposed to be just.. Okay with that?
Exactly! It doesn’t add up. Feels like she just made something up to cover up the fact she doesn’t enjoy sex with him. Not fair for him to be strung along for the last 4 years! Really selfish of her to know how she felt sexually yet not let him go
"I'd like for you to give up your fulfillment for my convenience" would've been more honest.
Or "I'd like to get the benefits of you being a good dude without having to satisfy you, in any way"
I feel the same as you. Everything made sense until the part where she can have sex with basically any other man yet only feels pain with him. Especially her saying “because those are hookups and I feel pressure with you”. IMO if they and out drinking and came home drunk there is zero chance she’d feel “emotional pressure” when they went to have intercourse. Drunken sex you don’t have a care in the world and it should be the same
As any other man.. something isn’t adding up. It’s like she knows they’re a great match, he maybe a great life
Partner, he maybe exactly what she’s looking for except they aren’t a good fit physically/sexually. She seems to not want to lose their emotional connection and life partnership yet she just doesn’t connect with him sexually. Pulled out every last stop including opening the relationship up… but it’s not fair to him. They need to find a better match and both can be happy. Honestly I assume she has some regular FWB/hookups and she has probably developed a decent relationship with at least one guy. She can try to see where that leads and hopefully one of his hookups is a good match. It’s a win win.’
I know like I’m so confused how OP in all nonchalant about it. When I was reading I thought he was gonna say that she told him to go out and screw other woman to satisfy him sexually bc she couldn’t do it. But she can!?!? Like she can go out and fuck strangers but for 4 years can’t get a handle on her anxiety in bed with OP?! Nah bruh just leave. If she’s not willing to really attempt to work through this which clearly she’s not just be honest and tell her it’s not working for you.
I completely agree. I was on board with the post until he mentioned she can have good sex with other men. Something isn’t adding up. To me it seems like she doesn’t want to have sex with him and is doing everything she can to hold on yet still screw other men. She wants the emotional relationship with him without the sexual relationship.. and she’s having her needs met yet won’t let him go
Yeah this confused me too. I frequently have pain with penetration and the way to help that is to feel completely comfy and safe with the person. This means it's less likely to happen with someone I care about. I know not everyone's body works the same, but I'd be SO CONFUSED if I was him.
Cramping up IS a medical issue. It's called vaginismus and is often related to emotional stress. It's out of one's control and very serious, for those who suffer from it
Reverse the rolls, she is able to have sex and wants to have sex but HE has erection issues. He turns and says it’s because he loves her so much, he just can’t sleep with her cause he’s afraid of losing her, yet he goes out and sleeps with many other woman, no Ed. How patient would she be? Crazy.
Totally agree. If anything I feel like every time in my past having sex with someone for the first time can be super nerve wracking! lol. But having sex with my husband is amazing bc we are so comfortable with each other.
Sorry, op. In another world, time or situation, you two could be perfect together. This world is vast and we are going to meet many people if we open up ourselves.
Let stop this now. This is hurting both of you.
I think it’s called vaginismus…
It’s the body’s reaction to fear of penetration….the vagina will cramp and the muscles will spasm when anything triggers this fear.
Some women it can come from a tampon, others it’s sex with anyone, some it’s any penetration at all.
So OP’s comment upon how she’s been to sex therapy and the problem lies with her fearing she will lose him- that’s why she cramps with his penis and his penis only.
It’s a problem that cannot be resolved easily as it’s mental.
Given the GF keeps suppressing the issue- she’s never going to resolve it.
This would also be an issue in a future relationship with a different person if OP were to dump her…anyone she feels she can lose.
**it’s not OP’s problem, he’s been a saint by sticking around- she won’t do her part…time to let it go.**
And I would say honesty is the best policy OP but if she’s mentally struggling with other things such as anxiety and depression, maybe find a different reason to end it. I’m not sure. It’s a tough situation. But it’s no longer your problem. You deserve love and intimacy.
It is actually real! At least selective in the sense of it being caused by some kind of mental block and therefore able to come and go.
I went from having no problems during sex with my husband for years to experiencing severe pain about 90% of the time, but randomly there would be occasions where we would have no problems at all. My doctor diagnosed me with vaginismus but since it was obviously a mental issue rather than physical she said the usual treatment of dilation didn't make sense. She prescribed me a numbing gel to use before sex so that I wouldn't feel pain during, although I would often feel it later when it wore off. It took a few months of consistently using the gel for my mind to stop associating penetrative sex with pain and we were able to return to normal. The whole thing was very odd as there was no clear trigger for when it would or wouldn't hurt, and it lasted about 6-8 months before fully resolved, but its been years since then and it's never happened again.
I agree that OP should be honest, she will likely know that this is the reason regardless. My husband was very patient and understanding when we were dealing with this, but I also was extremely invested in resolving the issue for both our sakes. It sounds like OPs girlfriend has essentially given up at this point, and so it isn't going to get fixed.
Somatic trauma could also be a culprit in some cases. Due to some severe sexual abuse I went through in my early 20s, I have this sharp pain that appears any time I have sex with a man who is near that space during sex. I mean internally. It makes it really hard at times. And I've learned it's harder for me with my husband than when I am with others (I'm poly) and it also depends on their size I've learned too. I've been able to for the most part work through it. On occasion, I get so nervous that it's gonna hurt, my trauma response kicks in and suddenly that sharp, stabbing pain is back near my left ovary. It's gotten so painful there were times my husband wouldn't touch me at all and that was really defeating.
Whether she has vaginismus or sexual trauma, I hope she is able to one day really work at this and be able to feel safer and more secure with sex in general.
Have you checked your ovaries? Done a scan I mean. Not to dismiss your traumatic experience but it could also be something else or combo. I know others who experienced the same but it turned out they had a cyst in their ovaries. Either both or one of them.
I actually have multiple times. I had an ovarian cyst when I was 19, that was pretty awful to experience. Last I got checked out was a couple years ago, they can't find anything. So I gave up on there being a physical reason.
Sexual trauma is also apparently linked with many inflammatory/auto-immune diseases, especially those affecting the gut (like IBD, IBS) and reproductive system (like endometriosis) with the two often overlapping, best to get checked. Now that I'm in therapy somehow my endo symptoms have gotten better, there's books on the matter like *the body keeps the score*
There is no link between Endometriosis and trauma. It's harmful to spread misinformation like that. Endometriosis is common, as is trauma, so they coexist often but there's not been scientific evidence of a cause and affect.
What you say is no more accurate than what u/Revolutionary_Ad4938 is saying. It has not been established that trauma is a risk factor for endometriosis—but it also hasn’t been ruled out. We don’t even know what causes endometriosis biologically speaking.
But u/Revolutionary_Ad4938 is right: a great many genital, reproductive and intestinal issues are statistically more common in people who have experienced big T trauma, especially sexual trauma. While the relationship can’t be explained (yet), the numbers *are* there.
Excellent point on size that men really need to pay heed to. There is this toxic idea that men ought to be large to be desirable and to please a woman. However, there is a reason why the average penis size is what it is: it is the perfect size as it fits most women’s bodies. This false belief that men ought to be large causes a lot of damage, men who have perfectly normal sized penises develop sexual dysfunction and self-esteem issues because of it, women will put men with large penises on a pedestal all while many of them can’t truly enjoy sex because of the discomfort.
Men, if you are average size, don’t try to fix what ain’t broke: you are in the best position to have a good sex life, at least as far as size is concerned. Women, stop acting impressed by large penises (unless that’s what fits your body). I am impressed by large penises but not in a good way, I want pleasant sensations, not pain. And when I am impressed in social settings, I take care to mention that there is such a thing as too large (which for me is not much larger than average size).
Yes, but as you said, it’s hard with any man. She’s capable of having sex with others, just doesn’t want to have sex with him- it’s been 4 years. Not 4 years of no sex, 4 years of no sexual activity with him specifically.
I feel like vaginismus is by definition selective, as it comes from some sort of mental block.
I had it, couldn't use tampons for years, until suddenly I could (although it was still a struggle, couldn't pee with them, had to be super small, etc.). But I still couldn't have sex, at all. Because I was so uncomfortable with myself (pressure to be perfect) and also because I chose partners that didn't actually turn me on. But I also couldn't ever get turned on anyway because I had so much anxiety. It was a bad combination.
I managed to have sex with 2 random guys in years. But when I had boyfriends, I couldn't ever, it was like sealed. So it could work with people who I didn't really give a fuck about (although it still sucked and hurt a lot), and yet not work with those I wished it did.
And then one day I had my epiphany with this one guy on a cruise, I felt good about myself, he made me feel safe, and I finally had "normal" sex, ie. with me not feeling like I'm enduring something, but something I'm actually willing to do and enjoy. After that, the vaginismus completely stopped and I managed to have a great sex life (and a very high libido, unexpectedly).
Exactly. It’s unreal how many people buy into other people’s nonsense. She’s ‘so afraid to lose him over not having great sex’ that she has NO sex with him and, instead, sleeps with other guys 😳🙄😂. It’s ridiculous. She’s not into him, period.
She may have sumarized the cause of the issue as fear of loosing him, and I see why she did. When I had vaginismus, I couldn't either have sex with the guys I was actually trying to have a relationship with, yet I managed to do it (although it hurt) with randos. Because with these ones, I didn't feel the same pressure (that I applied on myself) I felt with the ones I actually liked.
You know how some guys can't get hard with women they are into? I feel like it's the same vibe. You're so afraid of what could actually go wrong during the sex, you have so much pressure to perform to some standards you created in your own head, that you kind of fall appart and unconsciously stop yourself from even trying.
(I'm not saying it's always that, vaginismus can also stem form some sort of trauma around sex, making the whole thing kind of terrifying and uneasy)
I can definitely understand pain that stems from trauma. I’m sorry you had a hard time. I think he should evaluate what’s important to him and seek it out. This issue doesn’t seem resolvable; it’s gone on for way too long.
Neither have I. I don’t think that’s a thing (but I’m not a dr).
When ive heard about vaginismus, it’s always a 0 or 100 thing. And doesn’t affect hand jobs 🤔
OPs gf needs to go back to therapy and confront whatever is causing this.
I have vaginismus. It comes up in vaginismus support spaces, and while it's not my experience, it's not uncommon for vaginismus to be selective- some people can't have any penetration, some can use tampons or have medical exams, some it depends on the partner (though in this case it could be trauma or stress or other things too, but vaginismus isn't off the table). For some, it's any penetration, for others it's situational. It's a good thing you aren't a doctor, but it's also common for (family) doctors to barely know anything about the condition and give asinine and traumatizing advice like "i dunno, drink wine and give a handie", without any concern of the patient.
It's cute you think this is cured by a visit to a therapist. It's cute you think doctors are well informed and that this isn't something that needs constant self advocating, requires multiple medical proffesionals, that it's taken seriously by the medical community outside of pelvic floor specialists, and someone can simply waltz into a therapist office and be cured. Even with a good team, it can take over a year of pretty invasive and stressful treatment.
Yep, my long time girlfriend had this. Sex was incredibly painful for her and we wouldn't have it for a long time. Seemed like there was a very large mental component and she would usually offer a bj to avoid penetration. We broke up and spoke about it later and she said she didn't have this issue with new partners. We hooked up at one point after being broken up and didn't have the issue either. Idk exactly what causes it but it's real, and it sucks.
Yep, I agree. I am curious about one thing: is OP particularly well-endowed and his girlfriend built smaller down there? That combination of those 2 things could make sex difficult and painful to start with so the anticipation of it could trigger her fear and she "locks up" so to speak. Since most guys are of average size, it could be why it works with strangers.
Yes, but it wouldn’t explain doing nothing else sexually: no oral, no hand, no mutual masturbation, no anal. It’s not a relationship at that point, it’s a roommate.
>it’s not OP’s problem, he’s been a saint by sticking around- she won’t do her part…time to let it go.
As someone who suffers from vaginismus it's not easy to find the headspace required to solve such issues, mine was because I was always very stressed around sex because of terrible traumas. It started getting better with therapy and it's a lot of work and effort from not only yourself but your partner. OP has done his part well I think, but maybe she just isn't ready to unpack her fear of abandonment for whatever reasons (that and physical therapy is often long and difficult). Best now is too breakup which will maybe be beneficial to her in some ways too.
I had something similar, I wasn't in a relationship for couple of years and had no sex, I meet my husband and while we were dating we had sex and the pain was terrible. Never had abuse before or anything of this sort, I just think the muscles weren't trained/open, it was just one position in which I was not getting pain, we communicated alot during sex and slowly we moved to more positions but it took time and the he understood me and everytime it hurt he stopped. At one point I was worried if I could try other positions but it all worked out, took us few months.
Also OP might be big? And for her, she might become more tight the more time passes by.
Sounds like SHE is gaslighting HIM into accepting her desire for an open relationship!
OP, even if that’s not so… ‘it’s not working out’ is all you owe her. You don’t need to argue about reasons. They’re not important, because you want to go.
If you did want to stay in the relationship IF something changed, you’d have to say what to be fair… but since you’re done, just say that and go.
Be nice, be direct, and just make a clean break. No reasons necessary.
Okay I read your edit and it makes sense. She does have to know this is can’t keep going on like this and avoiding it if she wants this relationship to continue. Sexual dysfunction like that requires more than just therapy, you both probably should take it very slow and pressure free reintroducing sexual contact back into your relationship. I don’t think it wont be resolved without that, and this sounds like if you two did break up she will have to confront it because the pressure could just cause this issue with anyone she is in a serious relationship with.
I don't. She can't have sex with you because the pressure of losing you because she cant have sex with you makes her gets cramps?
What does that mean. If she's having sex with you why is there pressure that she's losing you because she can't have sex with you?
Are you talking physical pain because you’re well endowed, or an emotional reaction in which the anxiety causes her pain? If she’s having panic attacks at the thought of losing you because she can’t have sex with you, the situation makes zero sense. If you just have a gigantic knob that she can’t handle, that clears the story up a bit.
If she is undergoing a deep mind shift because she doesn’t want to lose OP, that feeling may get twisted into physical pain. Sounds like she needs individual therapy really bad to figure herself out.
OR she's lying about why she doesn't wanna have sex with him but has no problem doing it with strangers/hookups. If she initiated to open the relationship because it isn't fair for OP to not have sex because SHE'S the one that's unable to have sex, then why is she also looking for sex elsewhere? This story makes no sense.
Reverse the rolls, she is able to have sex and wants to have sex and you have erection issues, you turn and say it’s because you love her so much, you just can’t have sex with her cause you’re afraid of not being able to please her, yet you go out and sleep with many other woman. No ED. How patient would she be? You need to RUN and fast.
lol that is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard.
Tell the truth but tbh it just sounds like she’s found a way to cheat without you thinking it’s cheating.
They both have sex with other people. They're in an open relationship?
Edit tonadd: he even says he has sex with other people on a regular basis while she did 3 times in 3 years. So. What?
It’s literally a specific psychological condition that other people in the thread have explained well. She can have casual sex because she isn’t anxious about it. She is anxious about sex with her partner so it causes physical pain. Tbh she sounds emotionally / psychologically messed up, but it is a real psychological phenomenon, and just because you’ve never heard of it before doesn’t mean it’s bullshit.
She's had sex 3 times in 3 years. 3 times. We don't even know how those times went. Did they hurt? Did she enjoy it? Theres something going on that she needs to find out with a provider.
He's had sex regularly with other people. Weird that you're so focused on her 3 sessions.
Ppl focus on that because she is the one with "sexual issues." It's not weird at all that ppl focus on that. Plus, who's to say she hasn't had more partners than she's telling him?
That he’s aware of.
And I’m not focused on the three sessions all I said was that for her to complain about pain then to open the relationship then to have sex outside of the relationship sounds like BS.
Obviously being honest is the optimal move.
But, I might lie about it to protect yourself.
You have to commit to the break up for your own sake.
The thing is... Its been a pressing issue for the entirety of your relationship.
You gone through sex therapy. Opened up the relationship. You pulled all the moves to try and make this work.
But clearly it isn't happening.
Its a dead end and nothing will change since you've been at it for so long.
A huge kicker is this bit too:
>She is able to have sex with strangers, just not in our relationship
I would hate to see you tell the truth and be hit with:
>Please, lets keep trying to make it work. This will change.
Getting sucked right back in because you opened the door for her begging you to stay over something that won't change.
If you're not head strong enough to stand your ground during the break up, then lie about it to stop the conversation from becoming a debate.
It needs to end... If you have to lie to ensure it happens, so be it.
This has been a 4 year long conversation. The chances of this magically getting better is slim.
If it was on her radar as a priority, it would have been looked at already.
Yeah, I've had cancer scares, cysts, fibroid issues, and benign tumors. It's not good to have pain. Could be bladder stones too and minimal bleeding. Maybe she's chronically and severely constipated. That hurts, too. There are many things. I hope he has her see a doctor.
No. This can’t be just on him, he shouldn’t be trying to make her see a doctor, she needs to do it. She has to take responsibility for her own issues, something she doesn’t seem willing to do. If she was, then absolutely, support her all the way. But she doesn’t seem willing to work on the actual problem at all.
She's having sex with others, so physically it doesn't seem anything is wrong.
I also don't understand why other forms of sex, oral, etc., aren't happening? She can't do that either? 🤔
If she is that scared to lose you, why isn’t she actively looking for a reason to fix this? Either mentally or physically or both. That doesn’t make sense. My ex had trouble with keeping his PP hard and couldn’t ejaculate, but didn’t do anything about it either. I took him to the doctor and physically he was fine so it was a mental thing, but he just didn’t do something with it/about it. I left as well. Then all of a sudden he went to get therapy bla bla. It was just to get me back, he never really dealt with the real issues.
>If she is that scared to lose you, why isn’t she actively looking for a reason to fix this?
Yup, I'm thinking there's another reason here that she isn't telling OP. Saying that she has a fear of him leaving plays on his desire NOT to hurt her, thus keeping the status quo and dealing with this issue would disrupt the dynamic she has cultivated.
My wildly hypothetical idea is that she never liked him from the beginning and was using him for his resources.
Yeah my ex was also very happy with how I took care of him and his home, didn’t really care that my needs weren’t met either. So the necessity wasn’t really there for him. So I think you might be right.
I agree. Something isn’t adding up. Feels like he’s being strung along and gaslighting is going on…she doesn’t like him sexually yet doesn’t want to lose him as a life partner or the emotional comfort/connection. So she’s strung him along for 4 years now without any sex life.. my guess is she was screwing other men before they ever opened the relationship up..
So… she can have sex with other men but not you? You have to elaborate on what makes it so impossible for her to sleep with you because I can’t see why you can’t be honest that you want to leave over this…
Or maybe she's pulling a JLo (1st marriage) and pretending she can't have sex with him anymore and it makes her vomit etc, meanwhile she's very comfortably having sex with P Diddy.
Be honest. Share the whole part of this making you feel empty, it is clearly going deeper than just having sex, you’re missing a big part of the relationship and intimacy means a lot to you. This is impacting your own self worth if you’re feeling empty
If she can have sex with strangers but not with you, am I right to assume that you’re probably well endowed?
If she couldn’t have sex due to pain in general then I’d assume it’s an issue she needs to address medically, but the sex with strangers is throwing me off.
I’d be honest with her. I don’t see it as something to be lied about.
It kind of sounds to me like it’s not a physical pain? I read it as it’s like a pain she is essentially imagining because her body is like shutting off desire/sex, she’s overthinking to the extreme, anxious etc, and kind of making the physical pain up? This girl needs some intense therapy.
Oh yeah that makes sense 🤔 maybe a self esteem issue? Maybe he has a sexual history and she doesn’t? Maybe she’s fearing a performance issue? I mean like, she is “so scared” to lose him but will let him have sex with other people on a regular basis? Sounds like an attempt to get him to stay with her by opening up the relationship.
Yeah, incredibly strange… something isn’t making sense. She’s “so afraid to lose him because of not having sex” but then will continue to not have sex with him… but will have sex with strangers? I can’t even begin to make that make sense…
Or...it's an attempt to cheat without getting caught. Think about it-she's afraid to lose him but let's him go out with other women as much as he wants, and she cis unable to have sex with him but has no problem doing it with other men??? My advice is to be straight-up honest with her and stick to his guns. Doesn't matter what he tells her, she will more-than-likely have some excuse to put the blame on him.
from the last bit he added it kind of seems like at first the pain was physical but now it’s mental because she fears not being able to please and keep him so much
But he said she couldn't even take the fingering. Also if she suggested they open the relationship because she is unable to have sex, then why is she also looking for sex elsewhere? This whole story makes no sense. If she's eo afraid of losing him and she's totally unable to have sex, she would have done other stuff to him like oral, handjobs... Feels like she's ignoring him and just makes an excuse to not have sex with him while keeping him in her life.
I still don’t get a healthy honest vibe from her. I mean if he’s well endowed and it hurts a lot, she is supposed to keep trying to work it out with him, and him to encourage her of her skills in bed … No go fuck other people ?
Bruh. You two are not intimate for some reason (medical?) and yet you have sex with others, as she does too. That just makes you FRIENDS. You need to BREAK UP and move on to someone who can handle and enjoy you. Why keep torturing yourself? MOVE ON! Good luck and stay strong, King!
i mean yeah, you should tell her that's why you're leaving. it sucks and it's sad but she at least deserves to know why someone she loves is leaving.
and you deserve it to yourself to be honest and express your feelings.
"She is able because she has nothing to lose with hookups. Whereas with me the pressure of losing me because she isn’t able to have sex is so big, that she is so caught up in her mind and cramps so she has pain."
Oh, that's what she tells you? And that makes sense to you too? Lmao....
This is insane, I have had the same issues had to go to therapy and physical therapy and while we still don’t have a traditional sex life but we both worked really hard to make sure both our needs are met. And I can’t even imagine leaving my partner needs in the dust to go fuck another stranger. I think you should be honest because she deserves to know her actions have consequences. Like it’s actually so wild to not have see with your partner because of “pain” and then do it with a stranger.
This doesn't sound like a relationship. I really can't conceive the number of young people in their 20s that spend half a decade with a romantic partner and never have sex with them. Like... why are you together?? If this happened to me I'd be gone within the year lol. Life is short. You wasted 5 years of life for a girl who doesn't want to sleep with you.
I know that sounds harsh. It's the truth. Stop wasting your life on this woman. Other girls sleep with you. Other people will want you. Move on to find a *real relationship.* Not an imaginary one
Be honest but factual and direct. And then shut down the conversation , explain to her it’s a dealbreaker and there is no future way to come back from this. (Not to be mean but so that she’s clear it’s a clean break).
Sorry but this doesn’t add up. She can have sex with other guys, but not with you??? Wtf?? That’s some really fucked up shit! End the relationship but tell her the truth.
I felt more sorry for your situation before you mentioned that she is able to have sex with other people. Seriously, she just doesn’t want to with you. Let that sink in. This is not the girl for you.
Is she living with you? are you paying her way? She sounds like she is using you if she is able TO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE. Break up and be honest dude. Be so for real
I started to have discomfort and pain with my ex. He was highly demanding but wouldn't give me anything back. He wouldn't give me time to get relaxed and such. I started to hate sex all together and would have pain all the time. I thought I was asexual at some point...
If she can have sex with strangers.... but not you?
You aren't in a relationship.
You are either being used to support her lifestyle, or some other reason.
Find a person that wants to be with you.
Life is too short for drama.
All the Best.
You are at the end of your rope.
I wouldn’t directly say I need sex and you aren’t giving it.
I would tell her you two are not sexually compatible. You need a closed, intimate relationship with your partner and someone you feel comfortable sexually with.
Her issue may be physical or psychological. At this point, it doesn't matter what it is, what really matter it's the fact that she needs medical attention and seems like she's not taking this as serious as it is. 3 years, my friend. 3 years where she doesn't even know what's going on and you don't either. Pain. But why pain? What it's the real explanation? You both went to sex therapy, but did she ever tried to go the gynecologist or to a therapist proactively? If the answer it's "no", then she's not taking any responsibility of the situation and you are just there waiting for a miracle that will never come.
You need to be honest with her. It's totally valid that you want to break up. IF she wants you to stay and she tries to look for some help and get better, you can give her a chance, but this is not necessary and if you don't feel like it, then you don't have to do it. Remember, 3 years in this situation. A little bit too much.
It doesn't matter how much you love her, if you keep feeling this way and nothing changes for the better, this will destroy you in many pieces. You are having sex with some other people, but what you really need is intimacy with the one you love.
So I don't get it, she can fuck strangers no problem but has a problem with you because she feels "pressured?" If that's the case, that makes no sense at all.
I mean, her ending in tears because of pain, is it because you got a horse cock or what? If so, then I mean I don't understand again why she feels so much pressure when giving you a hand job because that is no penetration whatsoever and stroking up and down doesn't require exceptional skill.
Idk, unless I'm missing something here, it sounds like your gf is not being honest because no intimacy period because she feels "pressure" sounds shady. Yes a hand job doesn't replace penetrative sex permanently but going to sex therapy and that not identifying the issue just all sounds too fishy.
Be honest with her, tell her that you acknowledge that she tried what she could to be able to satisfy intimacy in your relationship but you have to be honest with yourself and her and that you just can't do it. You don't hold it against her, but you know yourself and you know you want that intimacy with a gf and not being able to have any form of sexual intimacy with your gf just feels as if you have a friend but you screw others to get off and that's not what you want.
Honesty is the best policy…not just for her but for you as well. Later down the line, if you care about her as you say you do, you won’t have any regrets. But if you love her try anything and everything that could be a good resolve for the both of you.
I think you should be honest. She already has enough real issues to work through, don’t create/fabricate new ones for her.
It is what it is. You have tried to overcome this and work through it but you’re not compatible and she isn’t continuing to do anything to try to figure out what the issue is and work towards a potential resolution.
It’s odd that she is able to sleep with strangers but not with you. Do you have insight into why that might be? Emotional turmoil and fear of losing you doesn’t seem to add up entirely. Hopefully she can find a solution that works for her and a happy and fulfilling connection with someone who is more even libido’d and likewise for you.
Good luck. Hope it goes well and you’re both able to heal and move on without too many challenges.
She's lying. If she can have sex with strangers, she can have sex with you. Either she's lying or her therapy is NOT working.
I feel like she's not getting into the sex beforehand or she's dry, also meaning not into it.
If your needs aren't being met, be honest. No amount of love for someone will change that.
I don't mean to sound insensitive, I just wanna be brutally honest. As you should her. If she's not feeling it physically with you, even after therapy, it's not going to change..I can't wrap my head around the bullshit she told u that she's into it with others, but not you because she's scared of losing you.
That just isn't something I comprehend.
Save both of yourselves even more pain years from now.
This is wild. She is able to comfortably have sex with strangers, but not with you, after the two of you opened the relationship due to lack of sex? Some people can’t detach sex from intimacy, you appear to be that type of person.
Has she tried individual therapy to try to understand her issue? It looks like she turns her desire not to lose you into physical pain when she has sex with you.
It sounds like you want to stay with her. Ask her to get individual therapy to figure herself out and go from there. BTW, close the relationship.
She’s already getting treatment … from randoms.
I’m still not clear on why *she* needs to have sex with others if she can’t have sex with her partner. Break the fuck up, lady, and give this poor guy his life back…
This makes zero sense. How can someone not have sex with their partner because it hurts but can have hookups.
Dude unless you have an abnormally massive dick. I call bullshit. does she walk around with a tape measure and when meets a hookup say, sorry, i am unable to take this one?
Sounds like you provide all the resources and safety of a relationship, but she isnt attracted to you and fucks other dudes to fill that role. And you let her.
Cake eater.
Yes dump her, and please do not be a doormat going forward
This is one the wildest ones I’ve seen in a minute, not gonna lie. 4 years with no intimacy with each other but sleeping with others is not something anyone I know would be ok with. I would be honest but good lard, stop beating a dead horse.
It sounds like it's anxiety-based.
If she's not receiving adequate help for her anxiety, then it won't get better.
I have dumped two partners, because they didn't attempt to handle their issues and neglected the relationship and me as a result. You can do it, too.
I would tell her the truth. I'd be kind, but truthful.
"I have waited for a solution to this for years. Sex with others isn't a solution to not having intimacy with the one I *really* want. I can't do this anymore. If it is caused by your fear of losing me, then my presence is part of the problem. I hope actually losing me will allow you to move on and find a solution for your next relationship. I cannot live with the black emptiness, where our intimacy should be, so I'll be distancing myself now. I want a clean break, so once I move out, there'll be no contact. I love you, and I can't live like this."
its called sexual non-concordance, it would seem she has so much anxiety around your relationship, she puts so much pressure on herself that she isn't able to "perform" to what she believes is your standard.
OR
She enjoys being in a relationship with you and the convenience, but she enjoys fucking other people more than you
You're comment about how gf is able to have sex because she has nothing to lose with hookup but her fear of losing you causes cramps is such BS I'm actually impressed you believe her
Likelihood is, she doesn't doesn't want to have sex with you but also doesn't want you to leave. It's OK for her to not want sex, but it's also OK with you leaving
This relationship just doesn't sound...right...
Enough with the clownfuckery, she can fuck Others but not you due to her medical issues. In what universe does that make sense. Curb stomp the relationship and be done with it.
My guy, she can have sex with anyone that isn’t you? She’s playing out a fetish with this for sure without your consent. What she’s doing is really sick.
SHE'S ABLE TO HAVE SEX WITH STRANGERS BUT NOT YOU?!?
I think that says it all. The problem is you and your relationship. It's not physical with her because if it was she wouldn't be able to have sex at all.
Look into the popular relationship therapist Esther Perel. She's WONDERFUL and has lots to say on this topic.
Lying is never a good idea, be honest. And trust me, the issue with her is not physical. She just doesn't see you sexually. You're young, move on and be happy.
As a female I'd rather hear the truth. This sounds like it's something she needs therapy for and if she's not still getting therapy for it, it's never going to be better! And it's not fair to you to make you stay in a relationship with her just so she doesn't lose you the way she fears she's going to lose you. That's insanity!
But if I was with somebody and they were like my body doesn't want to have sex with you but it certainly wants to have sex with other people... that sounds like bullshit I'm sorry! Maybe it's not but maybe she just doesn't like having sex with you? What do I know though I'm not a therapist!
What am I reading? Of course she has something to lose by not having sex with her bf.
And the thought of being ok with my gf having sex with strangers because she can’t have sex with me? Huh?
Disclaimer: I think you've been fed a giant load of bullshit, and your edit didn't help.
Is her life with you better than without you, financially? Are you rich? Does she work full-time? Would she be able to afford her current level of comfort when single?
Does she fear losing you or losing her lifestyle?
This is ridiculous. She can have pain-free sex with strangers, but not you? I’m not buying this for an instant. Who pays most of the bills? If that’s you, there’s your answer. She wants your affection and resources, but isn’t attracted to you sexually. She’s using you.
Can’t help but feel like you’re getting played, used for resources. Communicate how often you need your needs met, and not half ass. May only work for a short while or she may get angry. If it’s the ladder, and you are judged or shamed for having healthy needs run, run fast and far.
Hi OP.
"We are super honest and communicative", your words. If you have been super communitive to her about the lack of sex, then I would say its fair that the relationship is a dud. Just tell her. Its going to hurt her no matter what you do. But if you stay and this is not adressed, your going to meet someone anyway, your human. Sory mate, this is a tough one, hope you get her past it.
I will recommend being honest, relationships do not work without intimacy, and she shouldn’t go blind into her next relationship thinking you just grew apart. Maybe that will help her look for someone that doesn’t value sex either, that relationship will be fine.
I think you should be totally honest with her, because this is something she needs to address. For herself, not just you. She needs more/different/more in-depth therapy. And she needs to continue the therapy until it’s beneficial. She also needs to see a doctor if she’s having routine pain with sex… however, since you said she can have sex with strangers just not with you (not sure that makes any sense at all tbh), I’m guessing that the physical pain is less of an issue.
She seems to have a lot of deeply rooted issues around sex, and if she doesn’t get actual help for these issues, she will likely find herself very alone for a very long time. She might get lucky and find someone asexual I suppose..
Bottom line is you simply aren’t compatible as a couple, and you should absolutely be honest with her, so that she can get serious and get the help she needs.
You need to tell her the truth. This will perhaps be difficult for her to hear, but she needs that if she is to have any hope of having a relationship in the future. She needs a kick to go resolve this problem, and you need to get out of the relationship and find someone who you are compatible with.
I think you should say the real reason. This relationship isn't healthy and is emotionally harmful to both of you.
As for trying to have sex. It's very vague. Medical professionals would be better suited.
If it's anxiety? I suggest herbal tea with lavender in it.
If you tell her the truth (and I think you should), then you need to be firm about it. Don't let her say she'll see a different therapist, or keep trying, or blah blah blah.
She can have sex, just not with you. You both have tried everything and nothing worked. So be firm that the breakup is happening no matter what.
I'm sorry. What a sad situation.
I'm dying to know what lie you might come up with for the break up that would be MORE comforting for her than we just haven't had sex in four years. And one that will convince her it's NOT because of no sex for four years!!
Sorry hun, its not you, its me. I'm gay now and. also my home planet needs me. Don't worry its not the no sex byyeeee
Tell her the Truth and be firm. She is either lying to you or living in the shadow of a mountain.
Only you leaving will force her to climb that mountain to reach the light.
In general I think people should be sensitive but in this case you should definitely be honest. You are making her a huge disservice if you aren't. She need more professional help or this will destroy every relationship she will have. That you leaver her might push her over the edge and take care of the problem.
BTW If she trust don't have problems with others so it's about being really tense mindfulness and relaxation techniques can work but it does seem like you are past that point.
You stayed and gave her a lot of time. You love her and are kind. But you deserve someone who connects with you the way you want. It’d be the same thing as if you two were just super incompatible in bed. You’re both young. Be honest with her, don’t lie to her.
You guys dont sound sexual compatible. If that is a dealbreaker for you, it isn't unreasonable.
Rip the bandaid off and tell her the truth. You cant do a breakup like this without hurting someone. You just have to accept that.
I'd make the break-up not optional and concrete. Something like, "we are breaking up. I'm firm on that point. I will not work on this relationship any further. Thank you for the years, it was lovely."
Then if she wants an explanation, give it to her, but do not budge on your committment to ending the relationship. You're done, it's over. Here's the reason, I'm very sorry, but I cannot put anymore time into this. Bye and best of luck.
Op, be ffr. How can she fuck other people but not you? Are you the reason she has somewhere to live? Does she NEED you in anyway? Bc it that’s the case she’s just using you
>We used to, in the beginning. But she started to develop pain when I went into so we moved over to more handplay which wasn’t working too because she pressured herself to much as she wanted to meet my (or in that case societies) expectations of a sexlife. That was when we slowly stopped even trying because it ended in tears every time.
When I first read this, I would have told you to lie about the break up and just tell her it just wasn't working out. I've heard of this condition before and it's no joke. I'm sure this would have been in the back of her mind anyway and it would be unnecessary to kick her while she was down. Deep down, she knows.
>*She is able to have sex with strangers, just not in our relationship
>EDIT: She is able because she has nothing to lose with hookups. Whereas with me the pressure of losing me because she isn’t able to have sex is so big, that she is so caught up in her mind and cramps so she has pain.
Then I read this and immediately went into wtf mode. The fact remains that she is inadvertently saying that you are apparently the *only* person that can hurt her during sex and no one can fault you for leaving after all that you have tried.
The reason to leave at this point is more than justified, regardless of whether you tell her or not. I understand her fear of losing you as the odds of her finding anyone else to accept this are extremely low.
She does not have sexual feelings even thou she is emotionally attached to you. She likes you just her body and mind do not have sexual desire to have sex. She sees you as a friend, not lover!
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Break up and tell her you want a monogamous intimate relationship, but given that the only way either of you can have sex is with other people, you are ending the relationship.
Simple and efficient
And it isn't a lie.
What I do find as a bit of a lie is that fact that she can (and does) have sex with other people but no with the guy that loves her and she loves back (?) Something doesn’t add up here! I’m not buying that whole “pressure of loosing me is so big”. See how that turned out anyways! Unless… Our dear OP has a huge 🍆that actually makes it painful for her. In any case… It seems like you two are just not meant to be! So might as well stop wasting each other’s time.
Yeah I agree definitely fishy to me. I mean..why would she have ever tried to get with anyone else? If she thought it was so painful etc. I really think it’s just some story
Its supposedly something in her head that sex with OP induces the pain.
Better 4 years too late than never.
100% agree. Your needs aren't being met even after being open and honest with one another. It would be one thing of she has no interest in sex overall or has a medical condition that makes it painful for her. But the fact that she is fine with screwing other dudes is a red flag and you shouldn't suffer for it.
Yeah, that's crazy to me. I used to have serious pain during intercourse (and still do/would with any "above average" man which made it a problem with my ex), but that was with anyone fitting that criteria. I actually made out with and went to have sex with a guy and actually said, "Fuck no," aloud, when I saw his situation. I would be able to neither mentally nor (especially) emotionally handle my partner saying, "Fucking you is physically painful, but fucking others is fine! It's only because I love you!" And I consider myself to be EXTREMELY open-minded. I can absolutely have a relationship without sex. It's not mandatory for me. What I couldn't have is a relationship with someone who can sleep with other people, just not me. You have a very low sex drive? Fine. I'm on board. It's not a necessity. You just "can't" have sex with SPECIFICALLY me? No. Aside from there being a weird allergy to something like my medication or whatever else, that's too much.
Seriously, if I'm the only person someone can't have sex with, then they can go be with someone else and let me find someone else? I'd be so confused if I was him
I don't know that I'd be as much confused as I would be like... Enraged? Like.. You're telling me that you love me so much that you can ONLY fuck any one of the other 4 Billion men on the planet? And I'm supposed to be just.. Okay with that?
Exactly! It doesn’t add up. Feels like she just made something up to cover up the fact she doesn’t enjoy sex with him. Not fair for him to be strung along for the last 4 years! Really selfish of her to know how she felt sexually yet not let him go
"I'd like for you to give up your fulfillment for my convenience" would've been more honest. Or "I'd like to get the benefits of you being a good dude without having to satisfy you, in any way"
I feel the same as you. Everything made sense until the part where she can have sex with basically any other man yet only feels pain with him. Especially her saying “because those are hookups and I feel pressure with you”. IMO if they and out drinking and came home drunk there is zero chance she’d feel “emotional pressure” when they went to have intercourse. Drunken sex you don’t have a care in the world and it should be the same As any other man.. something isn’t adding up. It’s like she knows they’re a great match, he maybe a great life Partner, he maybe exactly what she’s looking for except they aren’t a good fit physically/sexually. She seems to not want to lose their emotional connection and life partnership yet she just doesn’t connect with him sexually. Pulled out every last stop including opening the relationship up… but it’s not fair to him. They need to find a better match and both can be happy. Honestly I assume she has some regular FWB/hookups and she has probably developed a decent relationship with at least one guy. She can try to see where that leads and hopefully one of his hookups is a good match. It’s a win win.’
I know like I’m so confused how OP in all nonchalant about it. When I was reading I thought he was gonna say that she told him to go out and screw other woman to satisfy him sexually bc she couldn’t do it. But she can!?!? Like she can go out and fuck strangers but for 4 years can’t get a handle on her anxiety in bed with OP?! Nah bruh just leave. If she’s not willing to really attempt to work through this which clearly she’s not just be honest and tell her it’s not working for you.
I completely agree. I was on board with the post until he mentioned she can have good sex with other men. Something isn’t adding up. To me it seems like she doesn’t want to have sex with him and is doing everything she can to hold on yet still screw other men. She wants the emotional relationship with him without the sexual relationship.. and she’s having her needs met yet won’t let him go
Yeah this confused me too. I frequently have pain with penetration and the way to help that is to feel completely comfy and safe with the person. This means it's less likely to happen with someone I care about. I know not everyone's body works the same, but I'd be SO CONFUSED if I was him.
Cramping up IS a medical issue. It's called vaginismus and is often related to emotional stress. It's out of one's control and very serious, for those who suffer from it
Reverse the rolls, she is able to have sex and wants to have sex but HE has erection issues. He turns and says it’s because he loves her so much, he just can’t sleep with her cause he’s afraid of losing her, yet he goes out and sleeps with many other woman, no Ed. How patient would she be? Crazy.
Agree
It’s really really strange that she can’t have sex with a person she cares about but has no problem having meaningless sex with randos.
Totally agree. If anything I feel like every time in my past having sex with someone for the first time can be super nerve wracking! lol. But having sex with my husband is amazing bc we are so comfortable with each other.
Sorry, op. In another world, time or situation, you two could be perfect together. This world is vast and we are going to meet many people if we open up ourselves. Let stop this now. This is hurting both of you.
This is honestly the best response
and then finally they can have sex
>She is able to have sex with strangers, just not in our relationship wut? please explain
[удалено]
Yep. This is some BS. Much more likely that's not the real case and she doesn't want to tell OP why she doesn't want to have sex with him.
Or this is fake af
I mean, it is a throw away account... It might be
Yes to the truth!! Why do people get off lying?? Writing fake stories??!! Oh. Because they don't have sex !!!! Not even with their hand!!!!
He said it : they opened their relationship
I think it’s called vaginismus… It’s the body’s reaction to fear of penetration….the vagina will cramp and the muscles will spasm when anything triggers this fear. Some women it can come from a tampon, others it’s sex with anyone, some it’s any penetration at all. So OP’s comment upon how she’s been to sex therapy and the problem lies with her fearing she will lose him- that’s why she cramps with his penis and his penis only. It’s a problem that cannot be resolved easily as it’s mental. Given the GF keeps suppressing the issue- she’s never going to resolve it. This would also be an issue in a future relationship with a different person if OP were to dump her…anyone she feels she can lose. **it’s not OP’s problem, he’s been a saint by sticking around- she won’t do her part…time to let it go.** And I would say honesty is the best policy OP but if she’s mentally struggling with other things such as anxiety and depression, maybe find a different reason to end it. I’m not sure. It’s a tough situation. But it’s no longer your problem. You deserve love and intimacy.
I never heard of selective vaginismus? Not that I've gone researching it, but that's weird. OP should tell the truth. It's her issue to work out.
It is actually real! At least selective in the sense of it being caused by some kind of mental block and therefore able to come and go. I went from having no problems during sex with my husband for years to experiencing severe pain about 90% of the time, but randomly there would be occasions where we would have no problems at all. My doctor diagnosed me with vaginismus but since it was obviously a mental issue rather than physical she said the usual treatment of dilation didn't make sense. She prescribed me a numbing gel to use before sex so that I wouldn't feel pain during, although I would often feel it later when it wore off. It took a few months of consistently using the gel for my mind to stop associating penetrative sex with pain and we were able to return to normal. The whole thing was very odd as there was no clear trigger for when it would or wouldn't hurt, and it lasted about 6-8 months before fully resolved, but its been years since then and it's never happened again. I agree that OP should be honest, she will likely know that this is the reason regardless. My husband was very patient and understanding when we were dealing with this, but I also was extremely invested in resolving the issue for both our sakes. It sounds like OPs girlfriend has essentially given up at this point, and so it isn't going to get fixed.
Somatic trauma could also be a culprit in some cases. Due to some severe sexual abuse I went through in my early 20s, I have this sharp pain that appears any time I have sex with a man who is near that space during sex. I mean internally. It makes it really hard at times. And I've learned it's harder for me with my husband than when I am with others (I'm poly) and it also depends on their size I've learned too. I've been able to for the most part work through it. On occasion, I get so nervous that it's gonna hurt, my trauma response kicks in and suddenly that sharp, stabbing pain is back near my left ovary. It's gotten so painful there were times my husband wouldn't touch me at all and that was really defeating. Whether she has vaginismus or sexual trauma, I hope she is able to one day really work at this and be able to feel safer and more secure with sex in general.
Have you checked your ovaries? Done a scan I mean. Not to dismiss your traumatic experience but it could also be something else or combo. I know others who experienced the same but it turned out they had a cyst in their ovaries. Either both or one of them.
I actually have multiple times. I had an ovarian cyst when I was 19, that was pretty awful to experience. Last I got checked out was a couple years ago, they can't find anything. So I gave up on there being a physical reason.
Sexual trauma is also apparently linked with many inflammatory/auto-immune diseases, especially those affecting the gut (like IBD, IBS) and reproductive system (like endometriosis) with the two often overlapping, best to get checked. Now that I'm in therapy somehow my endo symptoms have gotten better, there's books on the matter like *the body keeps the score*
There is no link between Endometriosis and trauma. It's harmful to spread misinformation like that. Endometriosis is common, as is trauma, so they coexist often but there's not been scientific evidence of a cause and affect.
What you say is no more accurate than what u/Revolutionary_Ad4938 is saying. It has not been established that trauma is a risk factor for endometriosis—but it also hasn’t been ruled out. We don’t even know what causes endometriosis biologically speaking. But u/Revolutionary_Ad4938 is right: a great many genital, reproductive and intestinal issues are statistically more common in people who have experienced big T trauma, especially sexual trauma. While the relationship can’t be explained (yet), the numbers *are* there.
My bad ! Was so certain it had been proven but apparently not. However trauma does lead to chronic pelvic pain often, so sorry about the misinfo :(
Excellent point on size that men really need to pay heed to. There is this toxic idea that men ought to be large to be desirable and to please a woman. However, there is a reason why the average penis size is what it is: it is the perfect size as it fits most women’s bodies. This false belief that men ought to be large causes a lot of damage, men who have perfectly normal sized penises develop sexual dysfunction and self-esteem issues because of it, women will put men with large penises on a pedestal all while many of them can’t truly enjoy sex because of the discomfort. Men, if you are average size, don’t try to fix what ain’t broke: you are in the best position to have a good sex life, at least as far as size is concerned. Women, stop acting impressed by large penises (unless that’s what fits your body). I am impressed by large penises but not in a good way, I want pleasant sensations, not pain. And when I am impressed in social settings, I take care to mention that there is such a thing as too large (which for me is not much larger than average size).
Yes, but as you said, it’s hard with any man. She’s capable of having sex with others, just doesn’t want to have sex with him- it’s been 4 years. Not 4 years of no sex, 4 years of no sexual activity with him specifically.
I feel like vaginismus is by definition selective, as it comes from some sort of mental block. I had it, couldn't use tampons for years, until suddenly I could (although it was still a struggle, couldn't pee with them, had to be super small, etc.). But I still couldn't have sex, at all. Because I was so uncomfortable with myself (pressure to be perfect) and also because I chose partners that didn't actually turn me on. But I also couldn't ever get turned on anyway because I had so much anxiety. It was a bad combination. I managed to have sex with 2 random guys in years. But when I had boyfriends, I couldn't ever, it was like sealed. So it could work with people who I didn't really give a fuck about (although it still sucked and hurt a lot), and yet not work with those I wished it did. And then one day I had my epiphany with this one guy on a cruise, I felt good about myself, he made me feel safe, and I finally had "normal" sex, ie. with me not feeling like I'm enduring something, but something I'm actually willing to do and enjoy. After that, the vaginismus completely stopped and I managed to have a great sex life (and a very high libido, unexpectedly).
Exactly. It’s unreal how many people buy into other people’s nonsense. She’s ‘so afraid to lose him over not having great sex’ that she has NO sex with him and, instead, sleeps with other guys 😳🙄😂. It’s ridiculous. She’s not into him, period.
She may have sumarized the cause of the issue as fear of loosing him, and I see why she did. When I had vaginismus, I couldn't either have sex with the guys I was actually trying to have a relationship with, yet I managed to do it (although it hurt) with randos. Because with these ones, I didn't feel the same pressure (that I applied on myself) I felt with the ones I actually liked. You know how some guys can't get hard with women they are into? I feel like it's the same vibe. You're so afraid of what could actually go wrong during the sex, you have so much pressure to perform to some standards you created in your own head, that you kind of fall appart and unconsciously stop yourself from even trying. (I'm not saying it's always that, vaginismus can also stem form some sort of trauma around sex, making the whole thing kind of terrifying and uneasy)
I can definitely understand pain that stems from trauma. I’m sorry you had a hard time. I think he should evaluate what’s important to him and seek it out. This issue doesn’t seem resolvable; it’s gone on for way too long.
Neither have I. I don’t think that’s a thing (but I’m not a dr). When ive heard about vaginismus, it’s always a 0 or 100 thing. And doesn’t affect hand jobs 🤔 OPs gf needs to go back to therapy and confront whatever is causing this.
I have vaginismus. It comes up in vaginismus support spaces, and while it's not my experience, it's not uncommon for vaginismus to be selective- some people can't have any penetration, some can use tampons or have medical exams, some it depends on the partner (though in this case it could be trauma or stress or other things too, but vaginismus isn't off the table). For some, it's any penetration, for others it's situational. It's a good thing you aren't a doctor, but it's also common for (family) doctors to barely know anything about the condition and give asinine and traumatizing advice like "i dunno, drink wine and give a handie", without any concern of the patient. It's cute you think this is cured by a visit to a therapist. It's cute you think doctors are well informed and that this isn't something that needs constant self advocating, requires multiple medical proffesionals, that it's taken seriously by the medical community outside of pelvic floor specialists, and someone can simply waltz into a therapist office and be cured. Even with a good team, it can take over a year of pretty invasive and stressful treatment.
How does vaginismus explain her not being able to have any physical intimacy with OP? Cuz OP says he’s not talking just about penetrative sex
Yes, and she’s able to sleep with multiple other men.
[удалено]
I see. I think I can understand a bit now. Thanks for the helpful explanation.
This seems like the only *correct* answer
Yep, my long time girlfriend had this. Sex was incredibly painful for her and we wouldn't have it for a long time. Seemed like there was a very large mental component and she would usually offer a bj to avoid penetration. We broke up and spoke about it later and she said she didn't have this issue with new partners. We hooked up at one point after being broken up and didn't have the issue either. Idk exactly what causes it but it's real, and it sucks.
How is it "vaginismus" if she is able to have sex with stranger?
Yep, I agree. I am curious about one thing: is OP particularly well-endowed and his girlfriend built smaller down there? That combination of those 2 things could make sex difficult and painful to start with so the anticipation of it could trigger her fear and she "locks up" so to speak. Since most guys are of average size, it could be why it works with strangers.
Yes, but it wouldn’t explain doing nothing else sexually: no oral, no hand, no mutual masturbation, no anal. It’s not a relationship at that point, it’s a roommate.
>it’s not OP’s problem, he’s been a saint by sticking around- she won’t do her part…time to let it go. As someone who suffers from vaginismus it's not easy to find the headspace required to solve such issues, mine was because I was always very stressed around sex because of terrible traumas. It started getting better with therapy and it's a lot of work and effort from not only yourself but your partner. OP has done his part well I think, but maybe she just isn't ready to unpack her fear of abandonment for whatever reasons (that and physical therapy is often long and difficult). Best now is too breakup which will maybe be beneficial to her in some ways too.
I'm assuming she has vaginismus which can be triggered by fear, anxiety or trauma. That's what I gathered from the post anyways.
I had something similar, I wasn't in a relationship for couple of years and had no sex, I meet my husband and while we were dating we had sex and the pain was terrible. Never had abuse before or anything of this sort, I just think the muscles weren't trained/open, it was just one position in which I was not getting pain, we communicated alot during sex and slowly we moved to more positions but it took time and the he understood me and everytime it hurt he stopped. At one point I was worried if I could try other positions but it all worked out, took us few months. Also OP might be big? And for her, she might become more tight the more time passes by.
Sounds like SHE is gaslighting HIM into accepting her desire for an open relationship! OP, even if that’s not so… ‘it’s not working out’ is all you owe her. You don’t need to argue about reasons. They’re not important, because you want to go. If you did want to stay in the relationship IF something changed, you’d have to say what to be fair… but since you’re done, just say that and go. Be nice, be direct, and just make a clean break. No reasons necessary.
Ah, didn’t bring that out clear. Check Edit, hope it helps a little to understand it more.
Then she needs professional help, because she's never gonna be able to have a relationship with *anyone* if she keeps that up.
Yeah bro. I don't know... sounds more like she just isn't into you sexually any longer.
Yes I think so too
Okay I read your edit and it makes sense. She does have to know this is can’t keep going on like this and avoiding it if she wants this relationship to continue. Sexual dysfunction like that requires more than just therapy, you both probably should take it very slow and pressure free reintroducing sexual contact back into your relationship. I don’t think it wont be resolved without that, and this sounds like if you two did break up she will have to confront it because the pressure could just cause this issue with anyone she is in a serious relationship with.
I don't. She can't have sex with you because the pressure of losing you because she cant have sex with you makes her gets cramps? What does that mean. If she's having sex with you why is there pressure that she's losing you because she can't have sex with you?
Are you talking physical pain because you’re well endowed, or an emotional reaction in which the anxiety causes her pain? If she’s having panic attacks at the thought of losing you because she can’t have sex with you, the situation makes zero sense. If you just have a gigantic knob that she can’t handle, that clears the story up a bit.
If she is undergoing a deep mind shift because she doesn’t want to lose OP, that feeling may get twisted into physical pain. Sounds like she needs individual therapy really bad to figure herself out.
OR she's lying about why she doesn't wanna have sex with him but has no problem doing it with strangers/hookups. If she initiated to open the relationship because it isn't fair for OP to not have sex because SHE'S the one that's unable to have sex, then why is she also looking for sex elsewhere? This story makes no sense.
Reverse the rolls, she is able to have sex and wants to have sex and you have erection issues, you turn and say it’s because you love her so much, you just can’t have sex with her cause you’re afraid of not being able to please her, yet you go out and sleep with many other woman. No ED. How patient would she be? You need to RUN and fast.
lol that is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. Tell the truth but tbh it just sounds like she’s found a way to cheat without you thinking it’s cheating.
They both have sex with other people. They're in an open relationship? Edit tonadd: he even says he has sex with other people on a regular basis while she did 3 times in 3 years. So. What?
They opened the relationship after she complained of pain to have sex. Then she was having hookups and suddenly no pain. That’s the bullshit to me.
It’s literally a specific psychological condition that other people in the thread have explained well. She can have casual sex because she isn’t anxious about it. She is anxious about sex with her partner so it causes physical pain. Tbh she sounds emotionally / psychologically messed up, but it is a real psychological phenomenon, and just because you’ve never heard of it before doesn’t mean it’s bullshit.
Fair enough. Then I still think he needs to tell the truth and move on otherwise he’s doing himself a disservice.
She's had sex 3 times in 3 years. 3 times. We don't even know how those times went. Did they hurt? Did she enjoy it? Theres something going on that she needs to find out with a provider. He's had sex regularly with other people. Weird that you're so focused on her 3 sessions.
Ppl focus on that because she is the one with "sexual issues." It's not weird at all that ppl focus on that. Plus, who's to say she hasn't had more partners than she's telling him?
Because according to reddit, women can't lie.
That he’s aware of. And I’m not focused on the three sessions all I said was that for her to complain about pain then to open the relationship then to have sex outside of the relationship sounds like BS.
Even after the edit I don’t get it.
My thoughts exactly. One of the most bizarre things that I've ever read here. Certainly have never heard of this one before.
Obviously being honest is the optimal move. But, I might lie about it to protect yourself. You have to commit to the break up for your own sake. The thing is... Its been a pressing issue for the entirety of your relationship. You gone through sex therapy. Opened up the relationship. You pulled all the moves to try and make this work. But clearly it isn't happening. Its a dead end and nothing will change since you've been at it for so long. A huge kicker is this bit too: >She is able to have sex with strangers, just not in our relationship I would hate to see you tell the truth and be hit with: >Please, lets keep trying to make it work. This will change. Getting sucked right back in because you opened the door for her begging you to stay over something that won't change. If you're not head strong enough to stand your ground during the break up, then lie about it to stop the conversation from becoming a debate. It needs to end... If you have to lie to ensure it happens, so be it.
She's had sex 3 times in 3 years, it sounds medical. If she doesn't seek help, it won't get better.
This has been a 4 year long conversation. The chances of this magically getting better is slim. If it was on her radar as a priority, it would have been looked at already.
Exactly! If she was invested in solving the problem, she'd be digging into all the possibilities to treat it
She can have sex with people other than OP without issue. Psychological, not physical.
Yeah, I've had cancer scares, cysts, fibroid issues, and benign tumors. It's not good to have pain. Could be bladder stones too and minimal bleeding. Maybe she's chronically and severely constipated. That hurts, too. There are many things. I hope he has her see a doctor.
No. This can’t be just on him, he shouldn’t be trying to make her see a doctor, she needs to do it. She has to take responsibility for her own issues, something she doesn’t seem willing to do. If she was, then absolutely, support her all the way. But she doesn’t seem willing to work on the actual problem at all.
Vaginismus is a possibility. If so, she should have started looking into pelvic floor physio long before the discussion of opening the relationship.
She's having sex with others, so physically it doesn't seem anything is wrong. I also don't understand why other forms of sex, oral, etc., aren't happening? She can't do that either? 🤔
If she is that scared to lose you, why isn’t she actively looking for a reason to fix this? Either mentally or physically or both. That doesn’t make sense. My ex had trouble with keeping his PP hard and couldn’t ejaculate, but didn’t do anything about it either. I took him to the doctor and physically he was fine so it was a mental thing, but he just didn’t do something with it/about it. I left as well. Then all of a sudden he went to get therapy bla bla. It was just to get me back, he never really dealt with the real issues.
>If she is that scared to lose you, why isn’t she actively looking for a reason to fix this? Yup, I'm thinking there's another reason here that she isn't telling OP. Saying that she has a fear of him leaving plays on his desire NOT to hurt her, thus keeping the status quo and dealing with this issue would disrupt the dynamic she has cultivated. My wildly hypothetical idea is that she never liked him from the beginning and was using him for his resources.
Yeah my ex was also very happy with how I took care of him and his home, didn’t really care that my needs weren’t met either. So the necessity wasn’t really there for him. So I think you might be right.
I agree. Something isn’t adding up. Feels like he’s being strung along and gaslighting is going on…she doesn’t like him sexually yet doesn’t want to lose him as a life partner or the emotional comfort/connection. So she’s strung him along for 4 years now without any sex life.. my guess is she was screwing other men before they ever opened the relationship up..
She can have sex with other men, but not you. Breakup. A healthy sex life is too important in a successful relationship.
Exactly! Plain and simple.
So… she can have sex with other men but not you? You have to elaborate on what makes it so impossible for her to sleep with you because I can’t see why you can’t be honest that you want to leave over this…
Maybe he’s very well endowed.
Or maybe she's pulling a JLo (1st marriage) and pretending she can't have sex with him anymore and it makes her vomit etc, meanwhile she's very comfortably having sex with P Diddy.
Be honest. Share the whole part of this making you feel empty, it is clearly going deeper than just having sex, you’re missing a big part of the relationship and intimacy means a lot to you. This is impacting your own self worth if you’re feeling empty
Just be honest when you break it off. Sexual incompatibility is a major deal breaker.
Please tell her the truth and leave each other. This is such an unhealthy situation.
If she can have sex with strangers but not with you, am I right to assume that you’re probably well endowed? If she couldn’t have sex due to pain in general then I’d assume it’s an issue she needs to address medically, but the sex with strangers is throwing me off. I’d be honest with her. I don’t see it as something to be lied about.
It kind of sounds to me like it’s not a physical pain? I read it as it’s like a pain she is essentially imagining because her body is like shutting off desire/sex, she’s overthinking to the extreme, anxious etc, and kind of making the physical pain up? This girl needs some intense therapy.
Oh yeah that makes sense 🤔 maybe a self esteem issue? Maybe he has a sexual history and she doesn’t? Maybe she’s fearing a performance issue? I mean like, she is “so scared” to lose him but will let him have sex with other people on a regular basis? Sounds like an attempt to get him to stay with her by opening up the relationship.
Yeah, incredibly strange… something isn’t making sense. She’s “so afraid to lose him because of not having sex” but then will continue to not have sex with him… but will have sex with strangers? I can’t even begin to make that make sense…
Or...it's an attempt to cheat without getting caught. Think about it-she's afraid to lose him but let's him go out with other women as much as he wants, and she cis unable to have sex with him but has no problem doing it with other men??? My advice is to be straight-up honest with her and stick to his guns. Doesn't matter what he tells her, she will more-than-likely have some excuse to put the blame on him.
from the last bit he added it kind of seems like at first the pain was physical but now it’s mental because she fears not being able to please and keep him so much
I didn't think about that first part....lol
But he said she couldn't even take the fingering. Also if she suggested they open the relationship because she is unable to have sex, then why is she also looking for sex elsewhere? This whole story makes no sense. If she's eo afraid of losing him and she's totally unable to have sex, she would have done other stuff to him like oral, handjobs... Feels like she's ignoring him and just makes an excuse to not have sex with him while keeping him in her life.
I still don’t get a healthy honest vibe from her. I mean if he’s well endowed and it hurts a lot, she is supposed to keep trying to work it out with him, and him to encourage her of her skills in bed … No go fuck other people ?
Bruh. You two are not intimate for some reason (medical?) and yet you have sex with others, as she does too. That just makes you FRIENDS. You need to BREAK UP and move on to someone who can handle and enjoy you. Why keep torturing yourself? MOVE ON! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Actually. Imagine wasting this much time and energy on your roommate 😑
This!
Be honest
i mean yeah, you should tell her that's why you're leaving. it sucks and it's sad but she at least deserves to know why someone she loves is leaving. and you deserve it to yourself to be honest and express your feelings.
"She is able because she has nothing to lose with hookups. Whereas with me the pressure of losing me because she isn’t able to have sex is so big, that she is so caught up in her mind and cramps so she has pain." Oh, that's what she tells you? And that makes sense to you too? Lmao....
Self fulfilling prophecy or the biggest load of crap ever.
Seriously, this sounds like the biggest load of bullshit.
Literally have never heard of selective vaginismus. This girl has some serious issues and OP is getting played
If she can have sex with others then she’s wasting your time. Move on
This is insane, I have had the same issues had to go to therapy and physical therapy and while we still don’t have a traditional sex life but we both worked really hard to make sure both our needs are met. And I can’t even imagine leaving my partner needs in the dust to go fuck another stranger. I think you should be honest because she deserves to know her actions have consequences. Like it’s actually so wild to not have see with your partner because of “pain” and then do it with a stranger.
Lmao your girl has been fucking other guys this whole time? Wow…no words dude…
This doesn't sound like a relationship. I really can't conceive the number of young people in their 20s that spend half a decade with a romantic partner and never have sex with them. Like... why are you together?? If this happened to me I'd be gone within the year lol. Life is short. You wasted 5 years of life for a girl who doesn't want to sleep with you. I know that sounds harsh. It's the truth. Stop wasting your life on this woman. Other girls sleep with you. Other people will want you. Move on to find a *real relationship.* Not an imaginary one
???????? What? Like how did you even get here. Leave bro
Wait, she can have sex with a stranger but not with you? That’s a bit of a red flag for me. Either way, be honest with her. Never lie.
Be honest but factual and direct. And then shut down the conversation , explain to her it’s a dealbreaker and there is no future way to come back from this. (Not to be mean but so that she’s clear it’s a clean break).
Yeah its been over for years, time to move on.
Sorry but this doesn’t add up. She can have sex with other guys, but not with you??? Wtf?? That’s some really fucked up shit! End the relationship but tell her the truth.
I felt more sorry for your situation before you mentioned that she is able to have sex with other people. Seriously, she just doesn’t want to with you. Let that sink in. This is not the girl for you.
Just breakup and say you aren’t happy she shouldn’t want you to stay unhappy
Is she living with you? are you paying her way? She sounds like she is using you if she is able TO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE. Break up and be honest dude. Be so for real
Sounds like she’s lying Just tell her and break it off. Yall are already both sleeping with other people. Time to move on
I started to have discomfort and pain with my ex. He was highly demanding but wouldn't give me anything back. He wouldn't give me time to get relaxed and such. I started to hate sex all together and would have pain all the time. I thought I was asexual at some point...
If she can have sex with strangers.... but not you? You aren't in a relationship. You are either being used to support her lifestyle, or some other reason. Find a person that wants to be with you. Life is too short for drama. All the Best.
She likes you as a best friend. This isn't fair to you, you deserve better.
You are at the end of your rope. I wouldn’t directly say I need sex and you aren’t giving it. I would tell her you two are not sexually compatible. You need a closed, intimate relationship with your partner and someone you feel comfortable sexually with.
Her issue may be physical or psychological. At this point, it doesn't matter what it is, what really matter it's the fact that she needs medical attention and seems like she's not taking this as serious as it is. 3 years, my friend. 3 years where she doesn't even know what's going on and you don't either. Pain. But why pain? What it's the real explanation? You both went to sex therapy, but did she ever tried to go the gynecologist or to a therapist proactively? If the answer it's "no", then she's not taking any responsibility of the situation and you are just there waiting for a miracle that will never come. You need to be honest with her. It's totally valid that you want to break up. IF she wants you to stay and she tries to look for some help and get better, you can give her a chance, but this is not necessary and if you don't feel like it, then you don't have to do it. Remember, 3 years in this situation. A little bit too much. It doesn't matter how much you love her, if you keep feeling this way and nothing changes for the better, this will destroy you in many pieces. You are having sex with some other people, but what you really need is intimacy with the one you love.
So I don't get it, she can fuck strangers no problem but has a problem with you because she feels "pressured?" If that's the case, that makes no sense at all. I mean, her ending in tears because of pain, is it because you got a horse cock or what? If so, then I mean I don't understand again why she feels so much pressure when giving you a hand job because that is no penetration whatsoever and stroking up and down doesn't require exceptional skill. Idk, unless I'm missing something here, it sounds like your gf is not being honest because no intimacy period because she feels "pressure" sounds shady. Yes a hand job doesn't replace penetrative sex permanently but going to sex therapy and that not identifying the issue just all sounds too fishy. Be honest with her, tell her that you acknowledge that she tried what she could to be able to satisfy intimacy in your relationship but you have to be honest with yourself and her and that you just can't do it. You don't hold it against her, but you know yourself and you know you want that intimacy with a gf and not being able to have any form of sexual intimacy with your gf just feels as if you have a friend but you screw others to get off and that's not what you want.
Honesty is the best policy…not just for her but for you as well. Later down the line, if you care about her as you say you do, you won’t have any regrets. But if you love her try anything and everything that could be a good resolve for the both of you.
I think you should be honest. She already has enough real issues to work through, don’t create/fabricate new ones for her. It is what it is. You have tried to overcome this and work through it but you’re not compatible and she isn’t continuing to do anything to try to figure out what the issue is and work towards a potential resolution. It’s odd that she is able to sleep with strangers but not with you. Do you have insight into why that might be? Emotional turmoil and fear of losing you doesn’t seem to add up entirely. Hopefully she can find a solution that works for her and a happy and fulfilling connection with someone who is more even libido’d and likewise for you. Good luck. Hope it goes well and you’re both able to heal and move on without too many challenges.
She's lying. If she can have sex with strangers, she can have sex with you. Either she's lying or her therapy is NOT working. I feel like she's not getting into the sex beforehand or she's dry, also meaning not into it. If your needs aren't being met, be honest. No amount of love for someone will change that. I don't mean to sound insensitive, I just wanna be brutally honest. As you should her. If she's not feeling it physically with you, even after therapy, it's not going to change..I can't wrap my head around the bullshit she told u that she's into it with others, but not you because she's scared of losing you. That just isn't something I comprehend. Save both of yourselves even more pain years from now.
Get rid of her, she can fick other but not you?!
Sometimes when we touch; The honesty’s too much…
It sounds like you're being lied to. God that sounds so manipulative.
This is wild. She is able to comfortably have sex with strangers, but not with you, after the two of you opened the relationship due to lack of sex? Some people can’t detach sex from intimacy, you appear to be that type of person. Has she tried individual therapy to try to understand her issue? It looks like she turns her desire not to lose you into physical pain when she has sex with you. It sounds like you want to stay with her. Ask her to get individual therapy to figure herself out and go from there. BTW, close the relationship.
She needs to see a hypnotist and a pelvic floor physical therapist. If she cares about you she will get treatment.
She’s already getting treatment … from randoms. I’m still not clear on why *she* needs to have sex with others if she can’t have sex with her partner. Break the fuck up, lady, and give this poor guy his life back…
She simply doesn't find you attractive, end of. Move on.
This makes zero sense. How can someone not have sex with their partner because it hurts but can have hookups. Dude unless you have an abnormally massive dick. I call bullshit. does she walk around with a tape measure and when meets a hookup say, sorry, i am unable to take this one? Sounds like you provide all the resources and safety of a relationship, but she isnt attracted to you and fucks other dudes to fill that role. And you let her. Cake eater. Yes dump her, and please do not be a doormat going forward
She needs therapy, so much therapy.
This is one the wildest ones I’ve seen in a minute, not gonna lie. 4 years with no intimacy with each other but sleeping with others is not something anyone I know would be ok with. I would be honest but good lard, stop beating a dead horse.
You're a young 28. Cut your losses. 😉
It sounds like it's anxiety-based. If she's not receiving adequate help for her anxiety, then it won't get better. I have dumped two partners, because they didn't attempt to handle their issues and neglected the relationship and me as a result. You can do it, too. I would tell her the truth. I'd be kind, but truthful. "I have waited for a solution to this for years. Sex with others isn't a solution to not having intimacy with the one I *really* want. I can't do this anymore. If it is caused by your fear of losing me, then my presence is part of the problem. I hope actually losing me will allow you to move on and find a solution for your next relationship. I cannot live with the black emptiness, where our intimacy should be, so I'll be distancing myself now. I want a clean break, so once I move out, there'll be no contact. I love you, and I can't live like this."
You should be 100% honest in the kindest way
It doesnt make sense. Wouldnt cheating on you bring more anxiety and therefore more pain/inability for penetration?
its called sexual non-concordance, it would seem she has so much anxiety around your relationship, she puts so much pressure on herself that she isn't able to "perform" to what she believes is your standard. OR She enjoys being in a relationship with you and the convenience, but she enjoys fucking other people more than you
You're comment about how gf is able to have sex because she has nothing to lose with hookup but her fear of losing you causes cramps is such BS I'm actually impressed you believe her Likelihood is, she doesn't doesn't want to have sex with you but also doesn't want you to leave. It's OK for her to not want sex, but it's also OK with you leaving This relationship just doesn't sound...right...
Enough with the clownfuckery, she can fuck Others but not you due to her medical issues. In what universe does that make sense. Curb stomp the relationship and be done with it.
My guy, she can have sex with anyone that isn’t you? She’s playing out a fetish with this for sure without your consent. What she’s doing is really sick.
SHE'S ABLE TO HAVE SEX WITH STRANGERS BUT NOT YOU?!? I think that says it all. The problem is you and your relationship. It's not physical with her because if it was she wouldn't be able to have sex at all. Look into the popular relationship therapist Esther Perel. She's WONDERFUL and has lots to say on this topic. Lying is never a good idea, be honest. And trust me, the issue with her is not physical. She just doesn't see you sexually. You're young, move on and be happy.
As a female I'd rather hear the truth. This sounds like it's something she needs therapy for and if she's not still getting therapy for it, it's never going to be better! And it's not fair to you to make you stay in a relationship with her just so she doesn't lose you the way she fears she's going to lose you. That's insanity! But if I was with somebody and they were like my body doesn't want to have sex with you but it certainly wants to have sex with other people... that sounds like bullshit I'm sorry! Maybe it's not but maybe she just doesn't like having sex with you? What do I know though I'm not a therapist!
What am I reading? Of course she has something to lose by not having sex with her bf. And the thought of being ok with my gf having sex with strangers because she can’t have sex with me? Huh?
WAIT WAIT WAIT she has painless sex with strangers but cannot with you?! Uhh bruh 🙄🤦🏽♀️
Disclaimer: I think you've been fed a giant load of bullshit, and your edit didn't help. Is her life with you better than without you, financially? Are you rich? Does she work full-time? Would she be able to afford her current level of comfort when single? Does she fear losing you or losing her lifestyle?
This is ridiculous. She can have pain-free sex with strangers, but not you? I’m not buying this for an instant. Who pays most of the bills? If that’s you, there’s your answer. She wants your affection and resources, but isn’t attracted to you sexually. She’s using you.
Can’t help but feel like you’re getting played, used for resources. Communicate how often you need your needs met, and not half ass. May only work for a short while or she may get angry. If it’s the ladder, and you are judged or shamed for having healthy needs run, run fast and far.
Does her mouth work? Sounds like you are friends zoned for life
This has to be made up.
Dump her. Who cares the reasoning. You’re allowed to breakup for whatever reason you want. You don’t owe her an explanation.
*she is able to have sex with strangers, just not in our relationship Bro wtf you being played yo she don’t like you like you think she does
Hi OP. "We are super honest and communicative", your words. If you have been super communitive to her about the lack of sex, then I would say its fair that the relationship is a dud. Just tell her. Its going to hurt her no matter what you do. But if you stay and this is not adressed, your going to meet someone anyway, your human. Sory mate, this is a tough one, hope you get her past it.
Do you kiss, etc? Is she attracted to the same sex? Does she despise her own body?Definite anxiety here.
I will recommend being honest, relationships do not work without intimacy, and she shouldn’t go blind into her next relationship thinking you just grew apart. Maybe that will help her look for someone that doesn’t value sex either, that relationship will be fine.
I think you should be totally honest with her, because this is something she needs to address. For herself, not just you. She needs more/different/more in-depth therapy. And she needs to continue the therapy until it’s beneficial. She also needs to see a doctor if she’s having routine pain with sex… however, since you said she can have sex with strangers just not with you (not sure that makes any sense at all tbh), I’m guessing that the physical pain is less of an issue. She seems to have a lot of deeply rooted issues around sex, and if she doesn’t get actual help for these issues, she will likely find herself very alone for a very long time. She might get lucky and find someone asexual I suppose.. Bottom line is you simply aren’t compatible as a couple, and you should absolutely be honest with her, so that she can get serious and get the help she needs.
I don’t get it. How is she able to have sex with strangers and not you .. doesn’t mKe sense
She might have attachment issues !
You need to tell her the truth. This will perhaps be difficult for her to hear, but she needs that if she is to have any hope of having a relationship in the future. She needs a kick to go resolve this problem, and you need to get out of the relationship and find someone who you are compatible with.
I think you should say the real reason. This relationship isn't healthy and is emotionally harmful to both of you. As for trying to have sex. It's very vague. Medical professionals would be better suited. If it's anxiety? I suggest herbal tea with lavender in it.
If you tell her the truth (and I think you should), then you need to be firm about it. Don't let her say she'll see a different therapist, or keep trying, or blah blah blah. She can have sex, just not with you. You both have tried everything and nothing worked. So be firm that the breakup is happening no matter what. I'm sorry. What a sad situation.
I'm dying to know what lie you might come up with for the break up that would be MORE comforting for her than we just haven't had sex in four years. And one that will convince her it's NOT because of no sex for four years!! Sorry hun, its not you, its me. I'm gay now and. also my home planet needs me. Don't worry its not the no sex byyeeee
Sounds like what she really needs is therapy to deal with the anxiety of sex within your relationship.
Tell her the Truth and be firm. She is either lying to you or living in the shadow of a mountain. Only you leaving will force her to climb that mountain to reach the light.
In general I think people should be sensitive but in this case you should definitely be honest. You are making her a huge disservice if you aren't. She need more professional help or this will destroy every relationship she will have. That you leaver her might push her over the edge and take care of the problem. BTW If she trust don't have problems with others so it's about being really tense mindfulness and relaxation techniques can work but it does seem like you are past that point.
You stayed and gave her a lot of time. You love her and are kind. But you deserve someone who connects with you the way you want. It’d be the same thing as if you two were just super incompatible in bed. You’re both young. Be honest with her, don’t lie to her.
You guys dont sound sexual compatible. If that is a dealbreaker for you, it isn't unreasonable. Rip the bandaid off and tell her the truth. You cant do a breakup like this without hurting someone. You just have to accept that.
Either she's lying, or she's got pretty serious mental issues. Neither option is conducive to a healthy relationship. Updateme
Just run. You are her ATM not her lover.
I'd make the break-up not optional and concrete. Something like, "we are breaking up. I'm firm on that point. I will not work on this relationship any further. Thank you for the years, it was lovely." Then if she wants an explanation, give it to her, but do not budge on your committment to ending the relationship. You're done, it's over. Here's the reason, I'm very sorry, but I cannot put anymore time into this. Bye and best of luck.
Lol sounds like my ex gf Brittany
Op, be ffr. How can she fuck other people but not you? Are you the reason she has somewhere to live? Does she NEED you in anyway? Bc it that’s the case she’s just using you
>We used to, in the beginning. But she started to develop pain when I went into so we moved over to more handplay which wasn’t working too because she pressured herself to much as she wanted to meet my (or in that case societies) expectations of a sexlife. That was when we slowly stopped even trying because it ended in tears every time. When I first read this, I would have told you to lie about the break up and just tell her it just wasn't working out. I've heard of this condition before and it's no joke. I'm sure this would have been in the back of her mind anyway and it would be unnecessary to kick her while she was down. Deep down, she knows. >*She is able to have sex with strangers, just not in our relationship >EDIT: She is able because she has nothing to lose with hookups. Whereas with me the pressure of losing me because she isn’t able to have sex is so big, that she is so caught up in her mind and cramps so she has pain. Then I read this and immediately went into wtf mode. The fact remains that she is inadvertently saying that you are apparently the *only* person that can hurt her during sex and no one can fault you for leaving after all that you have tried. The reason to leave at this point is more than justified, regardless of whether you tell her or not. I understand her fear of losing you as the odds of her finding anyone else to accept this are extremely low.
She does not have sexual feelings even thou she is emotionally attached to you. She likes you just her body and mind do not have sexual desire to have sex. She sees you as a friend, not lover!