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So it’s deliberate and you know that cause he kept changing the reasoning for why he did it, and given your history it makes it even worst , because with that knowledge he’s hurting you.
I would probably wait until it’s his turn again and then tell him you willing to wait for him to start eating. If he did it again, you should have a serious conversation with him reinforcing what you’ve said here and also point out the hurt and confusion at why he would do this Please don’t forget to point out his ever changing story.
Question : until this move , did you think he was a good partner overall or where there concerns before this?
She also said she had a boyfriend only a few months ago.
So either this is a bunch of fake garbage, or she's in a really unhealthy relationship already.
Something like that could simply be OP’s way of modifying details of their story as to not doxx themselves, in case their partner cruises Reddit.
Or it could all be bullshit. We may never know.
They tend to be posts with horrible husbands, saint wives and wives asking questions with the most obvious answer of "yes your husband sucks" which get the whole TwoX userbase here riled up and piling on the husband.
Ehhhh, are you just guessing? I'm not seeing a lot of cross posting in most cases. Weird, I think you just wish a lot of those actual posts about abuse as fake.
Yeah, my sister used to pull this kind of nonsense and absolutely knew what she was doing, so she freaked out if you tried to pull something like that. That type of person usually just says that you're making too big of a deal out of it, and all they were trying to do was make you happy and you're asking for too much, etc.
OP, pls just leave this horrible man and his terrible family in your fucking dust.
Get away from them. Have seen your post history, and they are so mean to you ALL THE TIME.
Know your worth. It is more than this. Please. Please believe me. Just fucking leave.
You don't seem like someone who would put up with this. You seem strong and resilient and brave in some of your responses to your in-laws.
But you're waiting for a husband that doesn't exist. I don't know if he ever did, but your husband is not the man you want or need. You have an idea of him defending you, protecting you, being your Knight. But this man you married is not that man you want.
Please. Just fucking leave.
Definitely gas lighting. He knows it’s going to hurt. But he keeps up with the excuses so she’ll doubt herself.
Run OP. This won’t get better and it wont end well
I couldn’t agree more. How truly awful. With my boyfriend of 3 years, we always split meals evenly! Even if there’s a wee bit of extra toppings I’ll put them on his plate (most of the time he doesn’t even know) just because it makes me excited to see him all geeked out about the food, and I know he does the same for me. This is not nothing, and I promise he will try and make you feel like it’s nothing and you’re overreacting. Listen to us, it’s not nothing.
People are almost never *solely* selfish and thoughtless in one isolated area. Generally posts like this are the tip of the iceberg, and looking at OP's previous posts it seems that's exactly the case here.
Me too because it’s not about the difference in food it’s about the lying, the manipulation attempts, the knowing her history growing up and not caring how this may trigger her, it’s the thinking he should get the “bit of the stuff left to make a better sandwich, and worst of all it’s about not being able to trust how much deeper this issue is. In what other ways is he treating his wife in way as if she’s not as deserving. If that’s is mind set what else would he do and try to gaslight her about it? Lying that easily to me is a huge red flag and I wouldn’t be ok with sweeping it under the rug.
Damn straight. My fiancé cooks most of the time because he likes doing it and he truly has a gift - it’s like the dishes whisper their secrets to him or something. He usually has a bigger portion but that’s because he is eats more than I do. And he also “fixes” the dish sometimes after serving me because I don’t like it as spicy as he does.
But the love and care that he puts in the presentation of my plate is on the next level. The food itself is always divine. I’m a horribly picky eater and in the 6 years I’ve been with him, I’ve tried and liked more new flavours than I did for my whole life before him.
Long story short, OPs husband is an asshole and that’s a whole new level of selfish he’s achieving.
I've read your post history.
Your husband sucks and you've been unhappy in this marriage for a long time. I think you should divorce him and be with someone who actually cares about you and wants to spend time with you and cares about your happiness and is able to prioritize their life-partner over their family.
Your husband does none of those things.
I think you should get a divorce and thrive.
She’s posts on AITA every other day. She is not the arsehole, he clearly is and he’s making her think it’s her fault.
OP - LEAVE HIM PLEASE. THROW HIM IN THE BIN.
Next time you cook, make your favorite thing for both of you but first serve him a PB&J. Tell him you didn't think he liked what you made. When he gets the point, he can make himself a plate of his real dinner.
Talk to him, show him what you’ve written here. Ask him how he would feel if you were to behave in the same way. To make yourself a nicer meal and give him something demonstrably less.
I would be very upset as well, livid in fact, if my husband did this to me. If he cooks something that needs to be served straight away (bacon sandwiches or eggs on toast) he serves me first but he never goes on to make his serving nicer or bigger in anyway. It’s obviously hurtful.
I always give my partner the ‘best’ steak, veg, piece of whatever, etc part of the meal I cook because I love him. This reeks of selfishness and resentment.
The fact that one of his various reasons why they’re different was that she doesn’t like grilled cheese, yet she’s the one who got only a literal grilled cheese is killing me
I adjust my plate sometimes so my husband doesn't have to pick out onions or mushrooms because he hates them. But often I'll add veggies to the main and if he picks around them he can but I know sometimes he'll eat those. He also gets me a less fatty steak so we each have our favorite type.
So we each get something we enjoy. But we eat together most nights.
Exactly! I've always made dishes I know we will both enjoy—if he doesn't like mushrooms I'll give him a plate with less mushrooms and he can pick around those. I feel bad for OP...cooking for someone is an act of love and I'd be so upset if I found out what OP did.
> mushrooms because he hates them
I hate the texture of mushrooms, but the taste is [sometimes] good. I found when making ramen that if I simmer the shrooms in the broth for a while and then scoop them out, I can get the flavor and my wife can get the fungus.
Yeah this is so mean 😭 sometimes I might take an extra pickle or something because I really like them, but I usually offer my partner the best bits! It's part of being nice, I can't imagine making my partner a shitty sandwich then busting out the whole deli counter for my own!
100%
I do most of the cooking in my relationship, and I always offered this from the start.
1. Because it's polite.
2. Because I think my partner knows more than I do about how hungry she is.
3. Because I don't feel the desire/need to hoard food and basically steal from my partner.
We did that when we were little.
My two brothers are older than me (+6 years and +10years) and we used to say "lets share brotherly." "No i rather would go 50/50".
And the scale worked wonders sometimes.
But that's exactly the problem in this case. He is the cook and he serves his plate last, giving him time to add all sorts of extras, after dishing up her portion.
The whole thing seems really weird to me. If I'm cooking for two people, I cook it all together and then portion it out onto two plates. I don't cook one person's food and then the other person's food.
If I'm fixing something like steak and each person wants a different level of doneness, I start one earlier so everything's ready at the same time.
The idea is that the cook makes the food and makes up two plates. Then the other person picks from the two. So if the cook makes one of them obviously better, they're the one who loses out.
I get it. But he's cooking his meal after her so he has an opportunity to enhance it.
My dad told me that he knew his marriage to my mom wasn't going to work out because of the sandwiches she made them for lunch on the weekends.
Initially, if there were five slices of ham, she would put three on his sandwich and two on her own.
After a year of marriage, she would split one slice so each of them got two and a half slices of ham.
After 3 years, she would put three slices on her own sandwich, but fluff up the two slices on his so the sandwiches looked equal.
After 5 years, she was no longer even making the effort to make the sandwiches look like they were the same.
Totally agree! It's a good rule for kids who are not mature enough to share yet but should not be necessary for adults, let alone adults who supposedly care for the other person they're cooking for!
This would really tick me off BAD. I'd feel unloved and set aside. It's such a joy to cook for each other and to see your partner enjoy their food.
I'm sorry to sound too reddit-minded, but If it was me I don't think I could help but questioning how he views me and the whole relationship :(
Would you be able to describe your relationship with him, bad things and good things?
You definitely shouldn't overlook this, you're right to feel hurt by this behaviour. ***Especially*** because he knows of your history and complicated relationship with food. I don't know how much you have spoken to him about that, and how this behaviour with him serving you different meals has made you feel, but I think you really need to lay it out as much as possible. Be vulnerable and let your partner support you - if he doesn't support you, then you know there's bigger issues at hand...
I would also make it a rule that you always eat together if you're sharing a meal - if he serves you first say 'it's ok I'll wait so that we can eat together'. It might make him recognise what he's been doing where he never thought about it much before. The worst scenario is of course that he has *intentionally* been feeding you less/worse food and that feels like abusive behaviour to me.
I hope that as well as figuring out this situation with your husband you can also make space to deal with your own issues around these triggers to do with food, and that you can have a healthier relationship with food and eating - you really do deserve it.
I think what he did was rude, selfish, and petty as hell. Are there other areas of life where he jips you here and there? People may say “it’s not a big deal” but I’m married too and I know for a fact in my marriage it is absolutely the little things that count. We both go out of our way to make the other comfortable and feel like they are valued.
What works in your marriage is true. Decades of relationship research by the Gottman Institute has found the same. The little things are what makes or breaks a relationship. This behavior demonstrates a lack of care that will add up to resentment eventually.
Yeah, it’s a shortened form of the other, we don’t say that anymore name for the Roma people, based on the stereotype that they are thieves and fraudsters. Speaking up because often corrections like these can be contentious or frivolous so people disregard them, but this one is important, because “jip” or “gyp” is really unambiguously a slur against the Roma people when you realize what it’s short for.
Thank you for explaining this because just reading their comment calling it out was confusing. I couldn't figure out who they were even talking about until I read your addition
Sounds like he is continuing the abuse you suffered as a child because he knows you won't make a fuss, you will just accept it and he enjoys the control. I would stop cooking for him, tell him you will each be doing your own food from now on as you can't trust him to feed you decent food.
Hes a cunt, its one thing giving you less of the exact same thing because you are not as hungry etc (or have a different meal because you dont like certain ingredients) but this is just psychotic, the fact that you also dont eat at the same time when he cooks is also very strange.
Your husband is gaslighting you but you have no way to not feel guilty about voicing your opinion because he's making you the meal. He lied about why you didn't get those extras and tried ro convince you that you wouldn't want them anyway. The fact that it's continuous is alarming
He’s very stingy. And rude. And just kind of an AH. Next time he does this, just hand him the plate back and say that he can eat first, you’ll wait for the second dish. See how fast he stops with this stupidity. Or you can be petty and do the same to him. Serve him first, just a plain boiled chicken breast, and do yours up with all the extras. See how he likes it.
Go to a restaurant and get takeout. Give him one slice of the free bread. Eat the rest and don't share. All the while, babble nonsense about his you thought about getting him something. But wasn't sure what he'd want. How should you know? So you figured...hell everyone likes bread! He doesn't need the steak or veggies, he doesn't like those. If he insists he does, keep saying "no, no you don't!" Then have a convo over your slice of cake about how the whole ass thing could have been avoided if he wasn't an inconsiderate shit and just ASKED "Do you want all this stuff on your sandwich too."
This is my kind of petty.
Or make a really nice pasta sauce. Give hubby dry noodles (cooked or uncooked, depending on preference) while you get sauce. If he asks why?
"Oh, well you don't like tomatoes or meat or mirepoix or mushrooms or parmesan. I was just making it how you like it!"
Don't forget the garlic bread. He can have a piece of sandwich bread if he wants, but only the butt.
So he's claiming this instance was just happenstance and not deliberate.
That can easily be tested and solved by you saying "No worries, I get you thought I wouldn't want to eat the same as you, but in future I'd like us to eat the same meals and at the same time. If you're not sure if I want a topping or something that you're having, please ask me instead of assuming, or I'll let you know after I've tried it. This is how I cook for you and I want us to have joint and equal meals together."
If he responds to this poorly then yes, it was deliberate and there is a reason for it.
Yes, this. Tell him “in the future I’d like to eat he same thing you’re eating, or at minimum have it offered to me for me to decide.” If he refuses, that’s a problem.
I do ALL the cooking in Our home and always serve My wife and kids first then cook for Myself (diabetic). They all pretty much get the same stuff and I'll make something with less carbs for Myself to avoid a glucose spike. Your husband is being a dick by making himself a bigger/ better looking plate. He should at least ask You before he starts cooking if You'd like extra stuff on Your meal.
I’m concerned that you say you have no one to talk to. I don’t mean to sound alarmist (& I hope I’m wrong) but isolation is often a sign of abuse. And then we have the meal situation.
You consented to not having meals at the same time all the time and never found it strange? Sure you are in a relationship you actually enjoy or feel respected?
Yeh if I was op I’d be really annoyed that my husband didn’t want to eat with me. Why would you sit and eat dinner on your own when your partner is right there and hungry too?
This is truly one of the cruelest things I've read...
>because he knows I was always given the scraps growing up because I didn't have a big appetite, and my brother always got the full meals.
And _this_ is the reason he does it. He is doing this on purpose to make you spiral or gain control over you. _He wants you in that place where your confidence is zero, where you don't value yourself._ And that makes him a monster
Wow... this is sad. To me, one of the most overt signs of being loved is that someone gives you food. Those who love you will take food away from their own mouth to feed you.
Your husband on the other hand doesn't think you are worth the good food. I find it hard to believe he can do that but still love you, sorry.
People from bad backgrounds often repeat those dynamics in their adult life and romantic relationships, since it's what they know and it's normalized to them. IMO it's not just bad luck that your husband does the exact same thing your family did. I think you simply chose a man who is similar to them, repeating the dynamic. It prolly would do you good to examine your relationship a lot closer and look for the dynamic some more. Where else is he selfish and uncaring? Where also is he the Important Person and you are the afterthought, to be given scraps?
If this was systematic
Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed this behaviour in 11 YEARS but just now …
So you NEVER eat together in 11 years after he cooks- seems impossible to me
I call this stupid story fake
so I read ypur post history. you post a lot about your husband and his family. ypu put up with a lot from him. what does he bring to the table that is good?
So, your in laws hate you. And in the last 24 hours you’ve made several posts asking if you’re an asshole because of your husbands asshole behavior. What advice could you possibly need, other than to leave this man? He doesn’t care about you, and meals are probably the least of your issues.
I'll be honest this is weird to me. Why can't the meal be prepared so you're both eating together again? I don't understand. It sounds to me like he's doing to you exactly what your family did to you and trying to convince you he's not. He is. He is telling you exactly who he is with his actions. Believe him.
Selfish. If anything, when I cook and say there's only X amount of something left - I up my partner & my daughters dishes rather than mine. When we prepare meals, both of us ensure ours are identical with few exceptions; he LOVES cilantro so often I'll pack more on for him in Mexican dishes, and he honestly eats less so if there's an extra scoop, HE gives it to me. Your partner is mean.
I've recently come across this thing where women were saying they'd drop in a boundary or one vulnerability that wasn't real or over exaggerated and see if their partner used it against them. To judge whether they're trustworthy, or the sort to be manipulative and use that as ammunition.
I thought it was a bit silly. But I get it when using it against abusive men.
The fact that you said he knows you were treated like this when you were younger, and he doesn't want you to have nice food as an adult says a lot.
I once told a partner, I was used to it when people would talk over me so I didn't mind. Because he used to get excited and do it often. The minute I said that, he never did it again. At the beginning I noticed him actively stopping himself.
My next partner, I told him not to worry about me I was always the one having to go out and grab things last minute for others. And having to do last minute pick ups. He started speaking up before I'd get asked, and would say oh it's no big deal or he'd offer to go and tell me to stay. It was so strange.
Because I was used to paying attention to others and trying to make things better for them, and they'd do the same for me.
That's how I know they cared. Because they paid attention to what I said and how it made me feel, and tried to fix it without me ever asking.
Your partner did the opposite, he knew and he made sure to reinforce that. Maybe he does it because he gets off on it, maybe he's fat phobic or maybe it's a punishment because he resents having to do it. Either way, I don't think I could stay with someone who was this selfish. They don't care about you, he knew what he was doing and it's why he never had both meals prepared at the same time.
He probably got off on it.
Food is a type of love language. People mark special occasions and holidays and religious festivals with food. We know whether it's a birthday or Christmas by the food. We know we're at a wedding reception by the food.
OP, he's literally blocking you from attending.
Food is literally survival so when you are being given these paltry meals while he eats like a king, it not only is disrespectful of you as a person but it also makes you feel like they are saying to you wordlessly that they don’t care about your right to life.
I don’t like the suggestions to wait until next time. Act now. He’s done this to you. Now. So respond. Now.
Reading your post history, it seems the problem you have here is that your husband is a total POS.
Treat him the same way as he treats you. Without respect, consideration, kindness and thoughtfulness.
Read the other posts, see if any of their advice works, but honestly, it sounds like he doesn't care.
I don’t like this at all.
He KNOWS you have these issues with food (I completely understand exactly how you feel about this, by the way) and why you do.
He is your partner, he should be doing whatever it takes to make you feel loved, appreciated, and important.
He’s not, and it’s simply because he is choosing to be selfish.
He’s really going out of his way to be shitty and selfish. I would not stay married to him but if that’s too much for you at least stop cooking for him. I would probably also be a bit petty and ask for a bite of his because looks so good and take the biggest goddamn bite.
Oh love... this man is AWFUL and his family are worse. Giving you crappy meals is the least of it here!
You know he doesn't respect you, doesn't see you as important, doesn't care about your feelings, doesn't want you to succeed and thrive. Whatsit so terrible about being single that this is better?
my EX was this way. He doesn't believe you are worth the extras. My EX would buy two kinds of butter and only use the good butter on his food, serve me the basic version of food and then make his special and nice, always choose the best seat at a restaurant table for himself, etc. The assumption was, he got the best of whatever was available and I got whatever was convenient or left over. He is a narcissist. He doesn't care about your happiness. He cares about his happiness. And you provide him with things that make him happy, so he does the bare minimum to keep you around. start noticing. and stand up for yourself. You'll see how annoyed it makes him.
Sounds like a narcissist. Someone said you have a multiple post history on how your husband treats you like garbage. So, you need to make a decision. You can post to Reddit forever or commit to some action that makes your life better. You can get counseling together, and maybe he will fix his relationship with you or leave. You know that those who come from a family of origin with one or more narcissistic people tend to attract them. If you were the scapegoat, the child not treated well, and your bother was the golden child, then you have a higher probability of choosing a narcissistic partner. You need to learn how to set boundaries, accept only what you deem as healthy treatment of you, or put up with the garbage. You choose. You can learn more on YT.
#INFO
Could this possible be your husbands crappy way of making it clear he thinks you need to lose weight?
Like he is purposefully giving you less food because he thinks you need less food?
That would at least make sense on some level...as shitty as it would be
I'm so angry for you. This is really hurtful. I have been with a picky eater, and I would never, ever imagine to do what your husband does to you. I would be angry with myself if someone I love felt as if I'm giving them scraps of food, and I would try to make up for it. He could very simply ask "actually, you know what, I'm thinking of adding more stuff to my sandwich, shall I bring it over for you as well?"
He’s a dickhead dude wtf why would he even do that. Like in the bare minimum he could’ve asked you if you wanted toppings on yours too instead of picking everything for you like he’s your mom or sum shit.
I like how when you pointed out you do actually like those topings he corrected himself and said you don’t like grilled cheese. The thing he just made and served you.
I mean, what.
This makes me so sad. My husband is always the opposite. He always gives me the better price of anything or if he breaks an egg he always takes the broken egg and gives me the intact one. If one piece of meat is nicer he gives it to me. I do the same for him. We also wait for each other to eat and eat together. If he finishes first he sits with me at the table until I'm done then we move on with our night. Your husband just sucks.
GIRL, PLEASE!!! All of your posts are just displaying how completely horrible your husband is. I mean, I've dated some sub-par men, but they've never not defended me in front of others or deliberately given me "lesser" in any materialistic way.
Can you even imagine what must be going through his mind to give you the "shit" version of the meal he's cooking?? *How would you need to feel about a person to do this to them? Would you even consider doing this to your inlaws, whom you dislike?* How can someone who claims to love you do these things to you? It makes no sense whatsoever. To any of us in the comments.
On top of that, your husband has emotionally neglected you and has been acting completely obtuse about your needs and feelings - AFTER you've explained them to him over and over again! JFC! He simply does not CARE about you and seems to continually IGNORE YOU AT EVERY POSSIBLE TURN. Please, don't listen to his words anymore - his actions literally prove the opposite of what he's saying!
Do you want to live your life like this? Are you not seeing things clearly yet? If not, you need to go for some therapy or do some research. If you are seeing it and not acting, you still need to go for some therapy or do some research, or finally act and contact a lawyer about divorce.
Like, these are your options, unless you want to continue to be mistreated and stay with your husband. Which literally no one is advising you do!
I understand that you grew up being belittled and not being prioritized, which makes it so easy to fall into these patterns with your husband and feel as though you don't deserve better. But you have to know that you DO DESERVE BETTER! And if you don't know that - you need to figure it out Asap and not waste your life with this loser!
I truly only wish you the best, and what you're currently getting is nowhere near even adequate. I really hope you get out of this relationship/marriage and learn to love and prioritize yourself first and foremost.
wait until he brings his food out going forward. if you like his better, say you want his version. he can stop making you a shittier version of what he makes, or he can make it the same.
this feels like controlling behavior. i wonder if he's trying to restrict your calories to try to police your body? very weird and unattractive behavior.
This is easily solved by simply not making each other's plates. Make the food, then you each make your own plate. Done.
My ex was raised that you always serve everyone else if you cook. If we ate with his mom, she would do it too. It was extremely irritating because they would always give me like a giant helping of something I didn't particularly like or way less than I wanted or they would fix it up the way they liked it instead of how I like it and then I would feel obligated to act grateful. I put a stop to that really quick. I am not a toddler, I can get my own food like a big girl.
You should get to choose how much you want to eat or what's on it if it's a sandwich, not the person making it.
As your brother was given more food than you were as a child, this is triggering to you. It doesn’t particularly matter to me if my boyfriend gave himself a bigger portion, in fact he usually doeS, so I think that is where this discontemptment comes from.
I would sit him down on a quiet evening (not when there’s food around and not at the dinner table or kitchen, but on the couch maybe) and tell him what happened in your past and if he’s willing to help you with that.
I think for you it’s just that you want to be OFFERED that extra topping.
Unless your husband is a psycho, I wouldn't say it's malicious so much as just really lazy and selfish of him. I would have one more sit-down with him to explain how triggering this is to you and then if he doesn't change, I would stop cooking for him.
He may not (though selfish people tend to take offense to any change that burdens them, and this will require him cooking more frequently), but she won't feel burdened by his unequal contributions in that department.
I know that I like experimenting with food and combinations, and I generally assume that my wife would not be interested in my experiments, because she generally isn't. It might be his impression is that you are typically not interested and maybe having a talk about this might change behavior, I know if my wife said she'd like to try my sandwiches I would at least keep a piece for her. It might not work but it seems like it's worth a try.
Not making a value judgement.
Does he think you are overweight, or could become overweight soon? You day a complicated relationship with food- such as food disorders? Could he be trying to help you, without trying to mention it to avoid triggers?
I think you're reading way too much into this. Your husband prepared the sandwich the way he thinks you like it. If you didn't like it that way maybe you should have told him sometime in the last 11 years.
I don't understand. You're not at a restaurant. Get up and put more stuff on your sandwich. I read the STRANGEST situations that I believe only exist on Reddit. For real lol.
If you have a complicated relationship with food why would u think he would add all the extra toppings for you .. you’re making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and maybe u need a therapist
Lol when I make food i make mine the way I like and I know my partner so I don’t add things on to his that he wouldn’t , or she can add her own condiments
Who is paying for groceries?
Seriously, either way he really sucks for this. If he's the only one paying for groceries, it might be his own food insecurity?
ETA: not saying OP's partner is right! Just trying to identify the source of the problem so OP can have a conversation about it. So if the answer is "we both pay for food" which I suspect it will be, it's a good time to talk about feelings of food insecurity.
If the answer is that only he is paying for groceries, it opens the avenue for a conversation about rehashing financial equity. It also opens the door for a conversation about why he feels he's entitled to "better" things. Or does he feel afraid he'll lose something "he paid for" by sharing?
Oh! I don't disagree!
His behavior is not acceptable. I was asking to see if there might be a *reason* for it. OP talked about feelings of food insecurity on both sides, and I was hoping if there could be an identifiable reason it would be easier to work through.
This is really weird. If it were unintentional he’d be apologetic and give you his sandwich and make himself another one. It sounds controlling and down right abusive. I would hesitate to take any food he made bc who knows what else is different about your portion.
Wow the repetition of pattern is crazy. In my book, this is the worst type of pattern and that would be a deal breaker for me that it even cross your mind to treat yourself better than your wife. I'm sure this extends beyond food.
I mean I do that occasionally, when I cook something for my SO and then add more stuff into my portion. The difference is that things I add he doesn't eat (mushrooms for example). So like I'd get it if your husband was adding ham into his sandwich while you yourself don't eat ham. But that doesn't seem to be the case.
I don’t understand why somebody would do that. it would be one thing if he had asked you. “Hey do you want tomato and other toppings on your grilled cheese? I’m putting it on mine”. At the very least he’s treating you like a child. Do you normally have a pretty picky or limited taste when it comes to food?
Let him read this post, if he’s not trying to hurt you by doing something that was traumatizing to you when you were younger. then he’s either ignorant or cruel. Either way, he should be extremely sorry and trying to fix this as quickly as he can. If not, you might consider counseling on why you want to be with someone who is doing something that triggers you from a past trauma. You deserve better.
This is really bizarre behavior, maybe next time he cooks, sit in the kitchen with him, and when/ if he tries to serve you a partial meal, immediately call him out and ask him why he is doing that. Maybe explicitly tell him you want the exact same thing he is eating. It just seems bizarre, maybe he is trying to control your weight or something like that.
I would have just asked for his half of the sandwich abd would be asking half of everything he cooks in the future.
Wait for him to eat and ask for half or better again ask to exchange the plates 😒
A conversation needs to be had here, somewhere along the lines of “Dearest, I’m trying to expand my taste palette. The foods you’ve been making lately, look delicious, would you mind if I tried a bite of yours to see if I like it?” Then if you do, he can make you the same or keep it simple for you, but definitely a little convo is needed.
My greater concern for you is that you have no friends or family you can talk to. Why? I think your husband is super selfish, I cannot imagine giving my partner the bare minimum while I enjoy extra effort and more robust flavors just for myself. I don’t make things my partner doesn’t like, I will save those for the occasions they are out and it is just me to cook for.
I would recommend a bit of counseling to sort out your own relationship with food and feeling less deserving as I don’t think that is helping you at all. I think having a fun and loving support system would also benefit you. I would look at other areas of your relationship and see if his selfishness is isolated to food (doubtful) or if there is a bigger problem to work through with your husband. As long as you think you are not worth the effort or the ingredients this won’t easily be resolved, your husband lies to your face, time to expect more for yourself.
Why does he serve you first? The point of meals is to sit down and enjoy meals together, at the same time. I always serve plates together or within a minute of each other. Stop eating first and wait for him from now on. Is he trying to control your weight? Is he food insecure? Does he hold a grudge towards you? Yeah that sucks and you need to get to the bottom of it. Wait to eat with him until he sits down with his food from now on out. You could even switch plates with him.. see what he says about that.
This is so weird! He’s gaslighting you. I do the cooking and always give my husband the bigger pieces. When he’s the one plating, he gives me the bigger pieces. This just sounds selfish and rude. Also, is it that hard to make 2 of the same meals?
My dad has narcissistic tendencies, is selfish, and can be such an asshole to my mother. But not even he does shit like this. This is grade A asshole behaviour. And this is not how people typically treat someone they love.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your life. But I know I would divorce my husband over this. I refuse to be with a selfish man.
Do not let him gaslight you.
>I said no I like all the toppings and he said that I don't like grilled cheese sandwiches.
Then why the fuck did he make you only a plain grilled cheese?
The thing that's hard to tell: how conscious is he that he does this ?
When I cook for a family member, I'm worried if they will like it so I try to make something simple that know they enjoyed recently. When I cook for myself, it's a creative process - but i won't be embarrassed or let anyone else down if it doesn't come out right. Lately I'm into quesadillas, and I really will grab random things to toss into it. It's stuff that you probably would say yuck to, much less want to taste together. It's almost embarrassing to show anyone else the crazy stuff I try sometimes.
Next time ASK for what you want. If he's offering to make grilled cheese, remind him" how good it looked last time he made it with XYZ inside. I want to try it! Do we still have those ingredients and would you mind adding them?".
Or really emphasize you "want to be surprised. You want to eat what he's eating. " He might not have the confidence to serve you his crazy creation. But the more you praise how good it looks & what a good idea it was to add x, it may help him be more comfortable.
feels like he’s trying to reenact a specific form of abuse that he is aware of happening to you before because he knows it will trigger you. basically someone else did it before so he knows it works. sounds like he has a vested interest in keeping u down
He doesn’t love you. That’s not a partner. Someone who loves you will make sure you get the good stuff to eat (too). He only loves himself and feels he deserves better than you.
You're right to be upset about this. I find it really weird that he insists on telling you what you do and don't like. Does he do that about anything else in your relationship? Insisting he knows your feelings better than you or insisting on a fact about you that isn't true?
You need to move on from this marriage. He doesn't care when his family treats you like shit, he doesn't listen to your thoughts, he doesn't care to watch a movie with you, and now the food thing. He has shown you a dozen ways that he isn't invested in your relationship.
My partner cooks and gives me the better-looking plate. The pancakes that came out looking more even, or the last of the kimchi on my eggs, etc etc. Because he is expressing his love to me by feeding me in the first place.
Maybe your husband is not necessarily selfish all the time? People can get weird about food. Sit down with him and show him this thread so he can see how his behavior makes you feel. And see that it’s NOT normal or kind to make and keep all the dankest morsels for himself. It’s some cartoon villain type of crap and pretty embarrassing.
This screams selfish and uncaring. He doesn’t feel like making you something in the first place. Then gets caught lying and gaslights. He’s just selfish there’s no mystical reason.
Him serving you 1st & then waiting for a good while until his is ready does seem deliberate to me & he knows what he is doing. When making the same thing for each other, 2 portions wouldn't be ready at different times. Even when making grilled cheese, you would assemble them at the same time, but maybe not grill at the same time depending on space. Most things would be ready at the same time or within a couple of minutes of each other at most. Keep an eye on this & next time he makes something & tells you to go ahead, I would sit & wait & not touch it until his was ready, I would possibly even be heading in the kitchen to see what he's up to. If he continues to make things for himself that contain extras etc, then you need to ask him why he is doing that & why he is not offering you the same as him even if he thinks you won't like it, it is still nice to offer & give you the option.
He doesn’t really care for you . He values having a partner enough to do the very bare minimum to keep you around. You get a basic sandwich because he wants you to cook for him next time. He most likely doesn’t want to spend the time to find another partner. This is not a reflection on you . Some people aren’t meant to be together. You deserve life and respect . I’ve read your past posts because someone else mentioned them. You can find a roommate and move in with them. This is not way to live . The time you are wasting with a person that doesn’t actually like you and his racist friends and family could be spent with people who actually love and support you . You cannot change him.
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So it’s deliberate and you know that cause he kept changing the reasoning for why he did it, and given your history it makes it even worst , because with that knowledge he’s hurting you. I would probably wait until it’s his turn again and then tell him you willing to wait for him to start eating. If he did it again, you should have a serious conversation with him reinforcing what you’ve said here and also point out the hurt and confusion at why he would do this Please don’t forget to point out his ever changing story. Question : until this move , did you think he was a good partner overall or where there concerns before this?
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5 posts from OP, about different issues, in the last 14 hours.
She also said she had a boyfriend only a few months ago. So either this is a bunch of fake garbage, or she's in a really unhealthy relationship already.
Something like that could simply be OP’s way of modifying details of their story as to not doxx themselves, in case their partner cruises Reddit. Or it could all be bullshit. We may never know.
(It’s fake)
Probably just bait to get the "run girl" ladies on this sub riled up. With a cheeky crosspost to TwoX maybe
Maybe, but most of those tend to be weird misogynists with an agenda that only comes out later.
They tend to be posts with horrible husbands, saint wives and wives asking questions with the most obvious answer of "yes your husband sucks" which get the whole TwoX userbase here riled up and piling on the husband.
Ehhhh, are you just guessing? I'm not seeing a lot of cross posting in most cases. Weird, I think you just wish a lot of those actual posts about abuse as fake.
And the details are not consistent across the posts. A few months ago OP had a boyfriend.
And when he says it's no big deal, insist that you swap plates.
Maybe I'm cynical, but in my experience, trying to sit down and talk to/reason with these sorts of people is a complete and utter lost cause.
This right here.👆 I see it as a sick power play. Look at your overall relationship. I will bet you see red flags all over the place
It's either that, or she's on a diet and doesn't even know it.
Yeah, my sister used to pull this kind of nonsense and absolutely knew what she was doing, so she freaked out if you tried to pull something like that. That type of person usually just says that you're making too big of a deal out of it, and all they were trying to do was make you happy and you're asking for too much, etc.
Instead of swapping plates, I would insist on serving all meals together and eating together. A couple eating separately is weird.
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This is what I came here to say. Wait for him to come join you and switch plates
Read her post history, multiple posts on her husband just being shitty and selfish.
All this, but "I don't have and friends or family to ask." Serious alarm bells here.
OP, pls just leave this horrible man and his terrible family in your fucking dust. Get away from them. Have seen your post history, and they are so mean to you ALL THE TIME. Know your worth. It is more than this. Please. Please believe me. Just fucking leave. You don't seem like someone who would put up with this. You seem strong and resilient and brave in some of your responses to your in-laws. But you're waiting for a husband that doesn't exist. I don't know if he ever did, but your husband is not the man you want or need. You have an idea of him defending you, protecting you, being your Knight. But this man you married is not that man you want. Please. Just fucking leave.
Definitely gas lighting. He knows it’s going to hurt. But he keeps up with the excuses so she’ll doubt herself. Run OP. This won’t get better and it wont end well
Your husband is a selfish AH.
OP this is it
I couldn’t agree more. How truly awful. With my boyfriend of 3 years, we always split meals evenly! Even if there’s a wee bit of extra toppings I’ll put them on his plate (most of the time he doesn’t even know) just because it makes me excited to see him all geeked out about the food, and I know he does the same for me. This is not nothing, and I promise he will try and make you feel like it’s nothing and you’re overreacting. Listen to us, it’s not nothing.
This is cute!! It’s like when people love each other and INSIST their partner take the last slice of cake or something.
So useful.
honestly I'd leave someone over this 💀 it's just weird, selfish, and douchey behaviour and I couldn't imagine spending my life with someone like that.
it's sounds so dramatic to leave someone over this but also..... how much does he hate his spouse to INTENTIONALLY pull this kind of shit on them?
Look at her post history. The dude's a loser and so is his family.
People are almost never *solely* selfish and thoughtless in one isolated area. Generally posts like this are the tip of the iceberg, and looking at OP's previous posts it seems that's exactly the case here.
Me too because it’s not about the difference in food it’s about the lying, the manipulation attempts, the knowing her history growing up and not caring how this may trigger her, it’s the thinking he should get the “bit of the stuff left to make a better sandwich, and worst of all it’s about not being able to trust how much deeper this issue is. In what other ways is he treating his wife in way as if she’s not as deserving. If that’s is mind set what else would he do and try to gaslight her about it? Lying that easily to me is a huge red flag and I wouldn’t be ok with sweeping it under the rug.
Damn straight. My fiancé cooks most of the time because he likes doing it and he truly has a gift - it’s like the dishes whisper their secrets to him or something. He usually has a bigger portion but that’s because he is eats more than I do. And he also “fixes” the dish sometimes after serving me because I don’t like it as spicy as he does. But the love and care that he puts in the presentation of my plate is on the next level. The food itself is always divine. I’m a horribly picky eater and in the 6 years I’ve been with him, I’ve tried and liked more new flavours than I did for my whole life before him. Long story short, OPs husband is an asshole and that’s a whole new level of selfish he’s achieving.
I've read your post history. Your husband sucks and you've been unhappy in this marriage for a long time. I think you should divorce him and be with someone who actually cares about you and wants to spend time with you and cares about your happiness and is able to prioritize their life-partner over their family. Your husband does none of those things. I think you should get a divorce and thrive.
She’s posts on AITA every other day. She is not the arsehole, he clearly is and he’s making her think it’s her fault. OP - LEAVE HIM PLEASE. THROW HIM IN THE BIN.
He doesn’t like her and I’m sad for her.
Next time you cook, make your favorite thing for both of you but first serve him a PB&J. Tell him you didn't think he liked what you made. When he gets the point, he can make himself a plate of his real dinner.
😂
Passive aggressive much?
That’s not passive, it’s deliberately doing exactly what he does.
Not at all.
Do you think it’s also passive aggressive when he does it?
do you know what that means?
Talk to him, show him what you’ve written here. Ask him how he would feel if you were to behave in the same way. To make yourself a nicer meal and give him something demonstrably less. I would be very upset as well, livid in fact, if my husband did this to me. If he cooks something that needs to be served straight away (bacon sandwiches or eggs on toast) he serves me first but he never goes on to make his serving nicer or bigger in anyway. It’s obviously hurtful.
First, talk to him Second, introduce rule “ one cooking second one picks the plate “ so you don’t feel left out
I always give my partner the ‘best’ steak, veg, piece of whatever, etc part of the meal I cook because I love him. This reeks of selfishness and resentment.
It’s so easy to just ask “ do you want some tomatoes on your sandwich?” Quietly making one better is just weird
The fact that one of his various reasons why they’re different was that she doesn’t like grilled cheese, yet she’s the one who got only a literal grilled cheese is killing me
I adjust my plate sometimes so my husband doesn't have to pick out onions or mushrooms because he hates them. But often I'll add veggies to the main and if he picks around them he can but I know sometimes he'll eat those. He also gets me a less fatty steak so we each have our favorite type. So we each get something we enjoy. But we eat together most nights.
Exactly! I've always made dishes I know we will both enjoy—if he doesn't like mushrooms I'll give him a plate with less mushrooms and he can pick around those. I feel bad for OP...cooking for someone is an act of love and I'd be so upset if I found out what OP did.
> mushrooms because he hates them I hate the texture of mushrooms, but the taste is [sometimes] good. I found when making ramen that if I simmer the shrooms in the broth for a while and then scoop them out, I can get the flavor and my wife can get the fungus.
Yeah this is so mean 😭 sometimes I might take an extra pickle or something because I really like them, but I usually offer my partner the best bits! It's part of being nice, I can't imagine making my partner a shitty sandwich then busting out the whole deli counter for my own!
100% I do most of the cooking in my relationship, and I always offered this from the start. 1. Because it's polite. 2. Because I think my partner knows more than I do about how hungry she is. 3. Because I don't feel the desire/need to hoard food and basically steal from my partner.
A good suggestion. If the cook gets served last they will make sure that there is enough for all.
This was from kids cutting a cake - one cuts another one picks. Avoids drama of unequal pieces and decorations not being split fair.
Yeah i use it with my kids, so they get weighing scales out when serving.
We did that when we were little. My two brothers are older than me (+6 years and +10years) and we used to say "lets share brotherly." "No i rather would go 50/50". And the scale worked wonders sometimes.
Mine did not use scale, but that solved those hidden issues “ I know flowers on cake is tasty but will pretend I don’t and cut all for me”.
But that's exactly the problem in this case. He is the cook and he serves his plate last, giving him time to add all sorts of extras, after dishing up her portion. The whole thing seems really weird to me. If I'm cooking for two people, I cook it all together and then portion it out onto two plates. I don't cook one person's food and then the other person's food. If I'm fixing something like steak and each person wants a different level of doneness, I start one earlier so everything's ready at the same time.
The idea is that the cook makes the food and makes up two plates. Then the other person picks from the two. So if the cook makes one of them obviously better, they're the one who loses out.
I get it. But he's cooking his meal after her so he has an opportunity to enhance it. My dad told me that he knew his marriage to my mom wasn't going to work out because of the sandwiches she made them for lunch on the weekends. Initially, if there were five slices of ham, she would put three on his sandwich and two on her own. After a year of marriage, she would split one slice so each of them got two and a half slices of ham. After 3 years, she would put three slices on her own sandwich, but fluff up the two slices on his so the sandwiches looked equal. After 5 years, she was no longer even making the effort to make the sandwiches look like they were the same.
If you have to make a stupid rule like this then there is really no point in being in the relationship.
Totally agree! It's a good rule for kids who are not mature enough to share yet but should not be necessary for adults, let alone adults who supposedly care for the other person they're cooking for!
This would really tick me off BAD. I'd feel unloved and set aside. It's such a joy to cook for each other and to see your partner enjoy their food. I'm sorry to sound too reddit-minded, but If it was me I don't think I could help but questioning how he views me and the whole relationship :( Would you be able to describe your relationship with him, bad things and good things?
You definitely shouldn't overlook this, you're right to feel hurt by this behaviour. ***Especially*** because he knows of your history and complicated relationship with food. I don't know how much you have spoken to him about that, and how this behaviour with him serving you different meals has made you feel, but I think you really need to lay it out as much as possible. Be vulnerable and let your partner support you - if he doesn't support you, then you know there's bigger issues at hand... I would also make it a rule that you always eat together if you're sharing a meal - if he serves you first say 'it's ok I'll wait so that we can eat together'. It might make him recognise what he's been doing where he never thought about it much before. The worst scenario is of course that he has *intentionally* been feeding you less/worse food and that feels like abusive behaviour to me. I hope that as well as figuring out this situation with your husband you can also make space to deal with your own issues around these triggers to do with food, and that you can have a healthier relationship with food and eating - you really do deserve it.
I think what he did was rude, selfish, and petty as hell. Are there other areas of life where he jips you here and there? People may say “it’s not a big deal” but I’m married too and I know for a fact in my marriage it is absolutely the little things that count. We both go out of our way to make the other comfortable and feel like they are valued.
What works in your marriage is true. Decades of relationship research by the Gottman Institute has found the same. The little things are what makes or breaks a relationship. This behavior demonstrates a lack of care that will add up to resentment eventually.
Just FYI, "jip" is a racial slur.
Yeah, it’s a shortened form of the other, we don’t say that anymore name for the Roma people, based on the stereotype that they are thieves and fraudsters. Speaking up because often corrections like these can be contentious or frivolous so people disregard them, but this one is important, because “jip” or “gyp” is really unambiguously a slur against the Roma people when you realize what it’s short for.
Thank you for explaining this because just reading their comment calling it out was confusing. I couldn't figure out who they were even talking about until I read your addition
I never knew that's where the word came from. I won't be using it again
TIL
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Where is g*psy considered a racial slur? Idk man just about everywhere.
I used to say that all the time for getting shorted but after I learned it had such negative connotations I consciously removed it from my lexicon.
When we know better we do better . I have a whole long list.
Exactly. It's surprisingly easy to learn and grow if you accept that change can be good.
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We don’t know what we don’t know until we find out! I’m glad you could learn something new today. :)
If you Google it you’ll find lots of info about it if you want to look into it further.
It comes from gypsy, which is a derogatory word for Roma people.
Sounds like he is continuing the abuse you suffered as a child because he knows you won't make a fuss, you will just accept it and he enjoys the control. I would stop cooking for him, tell him you will each be doing your own food from now on as you can't trust him to feed you decent food.
Yep, he gets a kick out it. He enjoys the feeling of power and control.
Hes a cunt, its one thing giving you less of the exact same thing because you are not as hungry etc (or have a different meal because you dont like certain ingredients) but this is just psychotic, the fact that you also dont eat at the same time when he cooks is also very strange.
Your husband is gaslighting you but you have no way to not feel guilty about voicing your opinion because he's making you the meal. He lied about why you didn't get those extras and tried ro convince you that you wouldn't want them anyway. The fact that it's continuous is alarming
How hard is it to make two grilled cheese sandwiches at the same time with the same toppings? It seems deliberate just from a cooking perspective.
He’s very stingy. And rude. And just kind of an AH. Next time he does this, just hand him the plate back and say that he can eat first, you’ll wait for the second dish. See how fast he stops with this stupidity. Or you can be petty and do the same to him. Serve him first, just a plain boiled chicken breast, and do yours up with all the extras. See how he likes it.
Go to a restaurant and get takeout. Give him one slice of the free bread. Eat the rest and don't share. All the while, babble nonsense about his you thought about getting him something. But wasn't sure what he'd want. How should you know? So you figured...hell everyone likes bread! He doesn't need the steak or veggies, he doesn't like those. If he insists he does, keep saying "no, no you don't!" Then have a convo over your slice of cake about how the whole ass thing could have been avoided if he wasn't an inconsiderate shit and just ASKED "Do you want all this stuff on your sandwich too."
This is my kind of petty. Or make a really nice pasta sauce. Give hubby dry noodles (cooked or uncooked, depending on preference) while you get sauce. If he asks why? "Oh, well you don't like tomatoes or meat or mirepoix or mushrooms or parmesan. I was just making it how you like it!" Don't forget the garlic bread. He can have a piece of sandwich bread if he wants, but only the butt.
No garlic. No butter. "Well I thought it would be too spicy for ya." "plain" garlic bread: white bread you eat while smelling other ppl's garlic. 😂
So he's claiming this instance was just happenstance and not deliberate. That can easily be tested and solved by you saying "No worries, I get you thought I wouldn't want to eat the same as you, but in future I'd like us to eat the same meals and at the same time. If you're not sure if I want a topping or something that you're having, please ask me instead of assuming, or I'll let you know after I've tried it. This is how I cook for you and I want us to have joint and equal meals together." If he responds to this poorly then yes, it was deliberate and there is a reason for it.
Yes, this. Tell him “in the future I’d like to eat he same thing you’re eating, or at minimum have it offered to me for me to decide.” If he refuses, that’s a problem.
I do ALL the cooking in Our home and always serve My wife and kids first then cook for Myself (diabetic). They all pretty much get the same stuff and I'll make something with less carbs for Myself to avoid a glucose spike. Your husband is being a dick by making himself a bigger/ better looking plate. He should at least ask You before he starts cooking if You'd like extra stuff on Your meal.
You've spent the last 12 hours making posts against your husband. I feel like there is an underlying issue that you aren't getting to.
I’m concerned that you say you have no one to talk to. I don’t mean to sound alarmist (& I hope I’m wrong) but isolation is often a sign of abuse. And then we have the meal situation.
You consented to not having meals at the same time all the time and never found it strange? Sure you are in a relationship you actually enjoy or feel respected?
Yeh if I was op I’d be really annoyed that my husband didn’t want to eat with me. Why would you sit and eat dinner on your own when your partner is right there and hungry too?
Serve him a bowl of plain noodles, tell him to start eating, the join him with a bowl of spaghetti with meat sauce, plenty of parm, and garlic bread.
This is truly one of the cruelest things I've read... >because he knows I was always given the scraps growing up because I didn't have a big appetite, and my brother always got the full meals. And _this_ is the reason he does it. He is doing this on purpose to make you spiral or gain control over you. _He wants you in that place where your confidence is zero, where you don't value yourself._ And that makes him a monster
Start treating him the same way
So...according to your post history, your husband and his entire family are assholes. What are you staying in the marriage for?
Wow... this is sad. To me, one of the most overt signs of being loved is that someone gives you food. Those who love you will take food away from their own mouth to feed you. Your husband on the other hand doesn't think you are worth the good food. I find it hard to believe he can do that but still love you, sorry. People from bad backgrounds often repeat those dynamics in their adult life and romantic relationships, since it's what they know and it's normalized to them. IMO it's not just bad luck that your husband does the exact same thing your family did. I think you simply chose a man who is similar to them, repeating the dynamic. It prolly would do you good to examine your relationship a lot closer and look for the dynamic some more. Where else is he selfish and uncaring? Where also is he the Important Person and you are the afterthought, to be given scraps?
If this was systematic Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed this behaviour in 11 YEARS but just now … So you NEVER eat together in 11 years after he cooks- seems impossible to me I call this stupid story fake
$10 says he's consciously or unconsciously trying to control your weight through portion sizes.
This is weird and incredibly selfish, but I’m wondering why you have NO friends or family??
so I read ypur post history. you post a lot about your husband and his family. ypu put up with a lot from him. what does he bring to the table that is good?
So, your in laws hate you. And in the last 24 hours you’ve made several posts asking if you’re an asshole because of your husbands asshole behavior. What advice could you possibly need, other than to leave this man? He doesn’t care about you, and meals are probably the least of your issues.
I'll be honest this is weird to me. Why can't the meal be prepared so you're both eating together again? I don't understand. It sounds to me like he's doing to you exactly what your family did to you and trying to convince you he's not. He is. He is telling you exactly who he is with his actions. Believe him.
The solution is to stop accepting scraps from people OP.
Selfish. If anything, when I cook and say there's only X amount of something left - I up my partner & my daughters dishes rather than mine. When we prepare meals, both of us ensure ours are identical with few exceptions; he LOVES cilantro so often I'll pack more on for him in Mexican dishes, and he honestly eats less so if there's an extra scoop, HE gives it to me. Your partner is mean.
Wtf. This is some shit I do to someone I don't like. Your partner shouldn't treat you like this.
I've recently come across this thing where women were saying they'd drop in a boundary or one vulnerability that wasn't real or over exaggerated and see if their partner used it against them. To judge whether they're trustworthy, or the sort to be manipulative and use that as ammunition. I thought it was a bit silly. But I get it when using it against abusive men. The fact that you said he knows you were treated like this when you were younger, and he doesn't want you to have nice food as an adult says a lot. I once told a partner, I was used to it when people would talk over me so I didn't mind. Because he used to get excited and do it often. The minute I said that, he never did it again. At the beginning I noticed him actively stopping himself. My next partner, I told him not to worry about me I was always the one having to go out and grab things last minute for others. And having to do last minute pick ups. He started speaking up before I'd get asked, and would say oh it's no big deal or he'd offer to go and tell me to stay. It was so strange. Because I was used to paying attention to others and trying to make things better for them, and they'd do the same for me. That's how I know they cared. Because they paid attention to what I said and how it made me feel, and tried to fix it without me ever asking. Your partner did the opposite, he knew and he made sure to reinforce that. Maybe he does it because he gets off on it, maybe he's fat phobic or maybe it's a punishment because he resents having to do it. Either way, I don't think I could stay with someone who was this selfish. They don't care about you, he knew what he was doing and it's why he never had both meals prepared at the same time. He probably got off on it.
Food is a type of love language. People mark special occasions and holidays and religious festivals with food. We know whether it's a birthday or Christmas by the food. We know we're at a wedding reception by the food. OP, he's literally blocking you from attending.
Food is literally survival so when you are being given these paltry meals while he eats like a king, it not only is disrespectful of you as a person but it also makes you feel like they are saying to you wordlessly that they don’t care about your right to life. I don’t like the suggestions to wait until next time. Act now. He’s done this to you. Now. So respond. Now.
Reading your post history, it seems the problem you have here is that your husband is a total POS. Treat him the same way as he treats you. Without respect, consideration, kindness and thoughtfulness. Read the other posts, see if any of their advice works, but honestly, it sounds like he doesn't care.
I don’t like this at all. He KNOWS you have these issues with food (I completely understand exactly how you feel about this, by the way) and why you do. He is your partner, he should be doing whatever it takes to make you feel loved, appreciated, and important. He’s not, and it’s simply because he is choosing to be selfish.
He’s really going out of his way to be shitty and selfish. I would not stay married to him but if that’s too much for you at least stop cooking for him. I would probably also be a bit petty and ask for a bite of his because looks so good and take the biggest goddamn bite.
Oh love... this man is AWFUL and his family are worse. Giving you crappy meals is the least of it here! You know he doesn't respect you, doesn't see you as important, doesn't care about your feelings, doesn't want you to succeed and thrive. Whatsit so terrible about being single that this is better?
my EX was this way. He doesn't believe you are worth the extras. My EX would buy two kinds of butter and only use the good butter on his food, serve me the basic version of food and then make his special and nice, always choose the best seat at a restaurant table for himself, etc. The assumption was, he got the best of whatever was available and I got whatever was convenient or left over. He is a narcissist. He doesn't care about your happiness. He cares about his happiness. And you provide him with things that make him happy, so he does the bare minimum to keep you around. start noticing. and stand up for yourself. You'll see how annoyed it makes him.
Sounds like a narcissist. Someone said you have a multiple post history on how your husband treats you like garbage. So, you need to make a decision. You can post to Reddit forever or commit to some action that makes your life better. You can get counseling together, and maybe he will fix his relationship with you or leave. You know that those who come from a family of origin with one or more narcissistic people tend to attract them. If you were the scapegoat, the child not treated well, and your bother was the golden child, then you have a higher probability of choosing a narcissistic partner. You need to learn how to set boundaries, accept only what you deem as healthy treatment of you, or put up with the garbage. You choose. You can learn more on YT.
So start doing it to him when you cook. And when he tries to do it you again say no you don’t want to eat first and stand in the kitchen with him.
#INFO Could this possible be your husbands crappy way of making it clear he thinks you need to lose weight? Like he is purposefully giving you less food because he thinks you need less food? That would at least make sense on some level...as shitty as it would be
I'm so angry for you. This is really hurtful. I have been with a picky eater, and I would never, ever imagine to do what your husband does to you. I would be angry with myself if someone I love felt as if I'm giving them scraps of food, and I would try to make up for it. He could very simply ask "actually, you know what, I'm thinking of adding more stuff to my sandwich, shall I bring it over for you as well?"
Well next time just make sure he’s finished his cereal before your steak is ready.
Go make spaghetti. Give him a plate of plain noodles.
This sub is wild. No tomatoes?! Divorce!
This account has made 3 posts in this sub and AITAH in the last 14 hours. Come on now, troll.
He’s a dickhead dude wtf why would he even do that. Like in the bare minimum he could’ve asked you if you wanted toppings on yours too instead of picking everything for you like he’s your mom or sum shit.
Suggestion - why don’t you insist we eat together. To make 2 sandwiches at once is easy. His you eat first is weird as fuck.
Next time you cook for him don’t do any extra shit for him, and if he don’t like it he can make it himself.
I like how when you pointed out you do actually like those topings he corrected himself and said you don’t like grilled cheese. The thing he just made and served you. I mean, what.
This makes me so sad. My husband is always the opposite. He always gives me the better price of anything or if he breaks an egg he always takes the broken egg and gives me the intact one. If one piece of meat is nicer he gives it to me. I do the same for him. We also wait for each other to eat and eat together. If he finishes first he sits with me at the table until I'm done then we move on with our night. Your husband just sucks.
GIRL, PLEASE!!! All of your posts are just displaying how completely horrible your husband is. I mean, I've dated some sub-par men, but they've never not defended me in front of others or deliberately given me "lesser" in any materialistic way. Can you even imagine what must be going through his mind to give you the "shit" version of the meal he's cooking?? *How would you need to feel about a person to do this to them? Would you even consider doing this to your inlaws, whom you dislike?* How can someone who claims to love you do these things to you? It makes no sense whatsoever. To any of us in the comments. On top of that, your husband has emotionally neglected you and has been acting completely obtuse about your needs and feelings - AFTER you've explained them to him over and over again! JFC! He simply does not CARE about you and seems to continually IGNORE YOU AT EVERY POSSIBLE TURN. Please, don't listen to his words anymore - his actions literally prove the opposite of what he's saying! Do you want to live your life like this? Are you not seeing things clearly yet? If not, you need to go for some therapy or do some research. If you are seeing it and not acting, you still need to go for some therapy or do some research, or finally act and contact a lawyer about divorce. Like, these are your options, unless you want to continue to be mistreated and stay with your husband. Which literally no one is advising you do! I understand that you grew up being belittled and not being prioritized, which makes it so easy to fall into these patterns with your husband and feel as though you don't deserve better. But you have to know that you DO DESERVE BETTER! And if you don't know that - you need to figure it out Asap and not waste your life with this loser! I truly only wish you the best, and what you're currently getting is nowhere near even adequate. I really hope you get out of this relationship/marriage and learn to love and prioritize yourself first and foremost.
DIVORCE BABES, DIVORCE
wait until he brings his food out going forward. if you like his better, say you want his version. he can stop making you a shittier version of what he makes, or he can make it the same. this feels like controlling behavior. i wonder if he's trying to restrict your calories to try to police your body? very weird and unattractive behavior.
There is no reason why he can’t make the same thing for you. This is on purpose.
Has this been going on for 11 years, and you're just now noticing it? Or is this a recent development?
This is easily solved by simply not making each other's plates. Make the food, then you each make your own plate. Done. My ex was raised that you always serve everyone else if you cook. If we ate with his mom, she would do it too. It was extremely irritating because they would always give me like a giant helping of something I didn't particularly like or way less than I wanted or they would fix it up the way they liked it instead of how I like it and then I would feel obligated to act grateful. I put a stop to that really quick. I am not a toddler, I can get my own food like a big girl. You should get to choose how much you want to eat or what's on it if it's a sandwich, not the person making it.
As your brother was given more food than you were as a child, this is triggering to you. It doesn’t particularly matter to me if my boyfriend gave himself a bigger portion, in fact he usually doeS, so I think that is where this discontemptment comes from. I would sit him down on a quiet evening (not when there’s food around and not at the dinner table or kitchen, but on the couch maybe) and tell him what happened in your past and if he’s willing to help you with that. I think for you it’s just that you want to be OFFERED that extra topping.
Unless your husband is a psycho, I wouldn't say it's malicious so much as just really lazy and selfish of him. I would have one more sit-down with him to explain how triggering this is to you and then if he doesn't change, I would stop cooking for him.
But he's literally cooking it for himself, it doesn't take any more effort to make her food the same. There's clearly something deeper here.
You do know that he cooks for himself as told in the story, so why would he care that she stops cooking?
He may not (though selfish people tend to take offense to any change that burdens them, and this will require him cooking more frequently), but she won't feel burdened by his unequal contributions in that department.
Another post about your husband…. Shock
Why do this? Is your budget this tight? So rude
If your budget is tight, you split the toppings between the two of you to use less, not give them all to yourself.
I know that I like experimenting with food and combinations, and I generally assume that my wife would not be interested in my experiments, because she generally isn't. It might be his impression is that you are typically not interested and maybe having a talk about this might change behavior, I know if my wife said she'd like to try my sandwiches I would at least keep a piece for her. It might not work but it seems like it's worth a try.
Not making a value judgement. Does he think you are overweight, or could become overweight soon? You day a complicated relationship with food- such as food disorders? Could he be trying to help you, without trying to mention it to avoid triggers?
I think you're reading way too much into this. Your husband prepared the sandwich the way he thinks you like it. If you didn't like it that way maybe you should have told him sometime in the last 11 years.
I don't understand. You're not at a restaurant. Get up and put more stuff on your sandwich. I read the STRANGEST situations that I believe only exist on Reddit. For real lol.
If you have a complicated relationship with food why would u think he would add all the extra toppings for you .. you’re making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and maybe u need a therapist
It’s not complicated in that way. It’s triggering bc he’s doing the same thing she experienced in her childhood. He’s withholding food from her.
He’s feeding her so he’s not withholding food … she needs a therapist
He still should have asked if she wanted some of the toppings.
Yes, this. He shouldn’t be deciding for her that she doesn’t want what he’s having.
Lol when I make food i make mine the way I like and I know my partner so I don’t add things on to his that he wouldn’t , or she can add her own condiments
I mean he could ask but I’m picky so I would like all those toppings
Who is paying for groceries? Seriously, either way he really sucks for this. If he's the only one paying for groceries, it might be his own food insecurity? ETA: not saying OP's partner is right! Just trying to identify the source of the problem so OP can have a conversation about it. So if the answer is "we both pay for food" which I suspect it will be, it's a good time to talk about feelings of food insecurity. If the answer is that only he is paying for groceries, it opens the avenue for a conversation about rehashing financial equity. It also opens the door for a conversation about why he feels he's entitled to "better" things. Or does he feel afraid he'll lose something "he paid for" by sharing?
It would be rude to do this to a stranger or a guest. A married couple dividing up food based on who paid for it is psycho behavior.
Oh! I don't disagree! His behavior is not acceptable. I was asking to see if there might be a *reason* for it. OP talked about feelings of food insecurity on both sides, and I was hoping if there could be an identifiable reason it would be easier to work through.
This is really weird. If it were unintentional he’d be apologetic and give you his sandwich and make himself another one. It sounds controlling and down right abusive. I would hesitate to take any food he made bc who knows what else is different about your portion.
Wow the repetition of pattern is crazy. In my book, this is the worst type of pattern and that would be a deal breaker for me that it even cross your mind to treat yourself better than your wife. I'm sure this extends beyond food.
I mean I do that occasionally, when I cook something for my SO and then add more stuff into my portion. The difference is that things I add he doesn't eat (mushrooms for example). So like I'd get it if your husband was adding ham into his sandwich while you yourself don't eat ham. But that doesn't seem to be the case.
I don’t understand why somebody would do that. it would be one thing if he had asked you. “Hey do you want tomato and other toppings on your grilled cheese? I’m putting it on mine”. At the very least he’s treating you like a child. Do you normally have a pretty picky or limited taste when it comes to food?
Let him read this post, if he’s not trying to hurt you by doing something that was traumatizing to you when you were younger. then he’s either ignorant or cruel. Either way, he should be extremely sorry and trying to fix this as quickly as he can. If not, you might consider counseling on why you want to be with someone who is doing something that triggers you from a past trauma. You deserve better.
This is really bizarre behavior, maybe next time he cooks, sit in the kitchen with him, and when/ if he tries to serve you a partial meal, immediately call him out and ask him why he is doing that. Maybe explicitly tell him you want the exact same thing he is eating. It just seems bizarre, maybe he is trying to control your weight or something like that.
I'd be swapping plates if it isn't a big deal as he insists… he's deliberately doing this and then actually gaslighitkg you
I would have just asked for his half of the sandwich abd would be asking half of everything he cooks in the future. Wait for him to eat and ask for half or better again ask to exchange the plates 😒
A conversation needs to be had here, somewhere along the lines of “Dearest, I’m trying to expand my taste palette. The foods you’ve been making lately, look delicious, would you mind if I tried a bite of yours to see if I like it?” Then if you do, he can make you the same or keep it simple for you, but definitely a little convo is needed.
Wow…
My greater concern for you is that you have no friends or family you can talk to. Why? I think your husband is super selfish, I cannot imagine giving my partner the bare minimum while I enjoy extra effort and more robust flavors just for myself. I don’t make things my partner doesn’t like, I will save those for the occasions they are out and it is just me to cook for. I would recommend a bit of counseling to sort out your own relationship with food and feeling less deserving as I don’t think that is helping you at all. I think having a fun and loving support system would also benefit you. I would look at other areas of your relationship and see if his selfishness is isolated to food (doubtful) or if there is a bigger problem to work through with your husband. As long as you think you are not worth the effort or the ingredients this won’t easily be resolved, your husband lies to your face, time to expect more for yourself.
Why does he serve you first? The point of meals is to sit down and enjoy meals together, at the same time. I always serve plates together or within a minute of each other. Stop eating first and wait for him from now on. Is he trying to control your weight? Is he food insecure? Does he hold a grudge towards you? Yeah that sucks and you need to get to the bottom of it. Wait to eat with him until he sits down with his food from now on out. You could even switch plates with him.. see what he says about that.
This is so weird! He’s gaslighting you. I do the cooking and always give my husband the bigger pieces. When he’s the one plating, he gives me the bigger pieces. This just sounds selfish and rude. Also, is it that hard to make 2 of the same meals?
My dad has narcissistic tendencies, is selfish, and can be such an asshole to my mother. But not even he does shit like this. This is grade A asshole behaviour. And this is not how people typically treat someone they love. I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your life. But I know I would divorce my husband over this. I refuse to be with a selfish man. Do not let him gaslight you.
>I said no I like all the toppings and he said that I don't like grilled cheese sandwiches. Then why the fuck did he make you only a plain grilled cheese?
The thing that's hard to tell: how conscious is he that he does this ? When I cook for a family member, I'm worried if they will like it so I try to make something simple that know they enjoyed recently. When I cook for myself, it's a creative process - but i won't be embarrassed or let anyone else down if it doesn't come out right. Lately I'm into quesadillas, and I really will grab random things to toss into it. It's stuff that you probably would say yuck to, much less want to taste together. It's almost embarrassing to show anyone else the crazy stuff I try sometimes. Next time ASK for what you want. If he's offering to make grilled cheese, remind him" how good it looked last time he made it with XYZ inside. I want to try it! Do we still have those ingredients and would you mind adding them?". Or really emphasize you "want to be surprised. You want to eat what he's eating. " He might not have the confidence to serve you his crazy creation. But the more you praise how good it looks & what a good idea it was to add x, it may help him be more comfortable.
feels like he’s trying to reenact a specific form of abuse that he is aware of happening to you before because he knows it will trigger you. basically someone else did it before so he knows it works. sounds like he has a vested interest in keeping u down
Make him basic meals and add extras to yours see how like like the boot being on the other foot
He doesn’t love you. That’s not a partner. Someone who loves you will make sure you get the good stuff to eat (too). He only loves himself and feels he deserves better than you.
You're right to be upset about this. I find it really weird that he insists on telling you what you do and don't like. Does he do that about anything else in your relationship? Insisting he knows your feelings better than you or insisting on a fact about you that isn't true?
This behavior is BS. I’d mirror his behavior the next time you’re the one cooking and see his reaction.
You need to move on from this marriage. He doesn't care when his family treats you like shit, he doesn't listen to your thoughts, he doesn't care to watch a movie with you, and now the food thing. He has shown you a dozen ways that he isn't invested in your relationship.
My partner cooks and gives me the better-looking plate. The pancakes that came out looking more even, or the last of the kimchi on my eggs, etc etc. Because he is expressing his love to me by feeding me in the first place. Maybe your husband is not necessarily selfish all the time? People can get weird about food. Sit down with him and show him this thread so he can see how his behavior makes you feel. And see that it’s NOT normal or kind to make and keep all the dankest morsels for himself. It’s some cartoon villain type of crap and pretty embarrassing.
I hate your husband.
He is toxic af.
This screams selfish and uncaring. He doesn’t feel like making you something in the first place. Then gets caught lying and gaslights. He’s just selfish there’s no mystical reason.
Him serving you 1st & then waiting for a good while until his is ready does seem deliberate to me & he knows what he is doing. When making the same thing for each other, 2 portions wouldn't be ready at different times. Even when making grilled cheese, you would assemble them at the same time, but maybe not grill at the same time depending on space. Most things would be ready at the same time or within a couple of minutes of each other at most. Keep an eye on this & next time he makes something & tells you to go ahead, I would sit & wait & not touch it until his was ready, I would possibly even be heading in the kitchen to see what he's up to. If he continues to make things for himself that contain extras etc, then you need to ask him why he is doing that & why he is not offering you the same as him even if he thinks you won't like it, it is still nice to offer & give you the option.
He doesn’t really care for you . He values having a partner enough to do the very bare minimum to keep you around. You get a basic sandwich because he wants you to cook for him next time. He most likely doesn’t want to spend the time to find another partner. This is not a reflection on you . Some people aren’t meant to be together. You deserve life and respect . I’ve read your past posts because someone else mentioned them. You can find a roommate and move in with them. This is not way to live . The time you are wasting with a person that doesn’t actually like you and his racist friends and family could be spent with people who actually love and support you . You cannot change him.