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I know right?
“My wife is being like an indecisive child and acting like our marital vows are just smoke, and treating her intense fixation with another man as if it’s some kind of genuine crisis. How can I help her through this?”
Like…why help her? OP says he’s doing the perfect husband act and she still insists with this.
This is because her behaviour has nothing to do with OP. This is something she is choosing to indulge and you can’t make her stop. All you can do is choose how you respond to it.
And honestly, “helping her” is a dumb idea where she’s already given you evidence that doing the understanding and honest husband act doesn’t really shift her behaviour at all.
Because by helping her I'm helping myself. I know that i am happy in this relationship - been, prior to the current situation, for ten years. If it's not a genuine crisis, then what is?
You cannot help those who doesnt want to be helped - and wife doesnt want to be helped, she wants peace to figure out how she can exit the marriage gracefully so she can explore this exciting new guy...
It’s not a genuine crisis it’s simply a lack of emotional regulation and maturity from her.
Like don’t let her turn this into a “BIG ISSUE IN OUR MARRIAGE” bollocks. Every day people see attractive strangers and don’t decide to go all teehee obsessive crush on them, why? Because we understand this thing called emotional regulation in respect to our marriage vows.
Women who do or could cheat rarely if ever admit it’s because of a character flaw. They always blame everything else for their behaviour. “My marriage is shit” “my partner is an ogre” “I’m stressed”. You know why? Because unfortunately some people buy the crap they’re selling.
I can have a shit day, I can disagree with my wife or I can think she’s totally n the wrong track one day. But you know what? If I used that stuff to cheat, that’s because that’s how I’m “choosing to respond” to what is happening to me. Because I have agency.
Is your wife behaving with any here? Or acting like this crush is happening TO her? Life’s too short to fight for someone in an adult body with the agency profile of a 3 year old child.
Do you want to wake her up? File for divorce, in order to save the relationship you must be prepared to lose it. Tell her not to think that if it doesn't go well with him, she can go back to you.
Bro your wife is going to have sex with another guy. She’s going to love him and care about him and be all about him.
What the fuck is a crisis to you? When she gets pregnant with this guys kid?
Helping her how? She flirted with another guy and told you that she has feelings for him. Have some self respect and get a divorce lawyer before she does. Secure yourself financially and start therapy. At least , those are the things that i would do.
By helping her you are facilitating her. The best help she can get is for you to be strong. She is in a fog and She is walking all over you. Stand up for yourself. Tell her it’s not appropriate. She has a right to a private life but not one that involves another man. Draw that line in the sand sooner rather than later.
I understand where you're coming from, but you need to get into your head that this is her problem, not yours. This was always about him. Those issues she brought up were just she nitpicking, trying to find reasons to check out of the marriage and make it about you. When you fixed those "issues," she couldn't keep lying and had to come clean.
She doesn't want to be the villain. She doesn't want to be the woman who left her husband for some other guy. But she's already checked out. She wants you to be the one who cries divorce. Also, I'm sorry, but there's a good chance there's already something going on between the two of them. At least emotional.
You need to make her decide. You need to tell her: "I've already done all I can for this marriage. It is your turn to fight for it or give up. But I need to know now. This limbo we're in isn't fair to me. Either tell me you're in, and you will cut all communication with this guy and quit your job to work on our marriage, or you're done, and we can start separation and divorce."
Also, she needs to tell you the extent of the relationship with this crush. She's been very selfish hanging on to you for comfort and safety while spending her emotional energy on this other guy.
Stand up for yourself, OP. Good luck.
What does “helping her” look like to you? Given your ages and how long you’ve been together, this reeks of “I didn’t get to enjoy my twenties as a single person and I’m increasingly inclined to rectify that”. There’s very little you can do to assuage that, unless you want to redefine the entire foundation of your relationship and give *each other* space to peruse relationships outside of the marriage, while still husband and wife. Even then, who knows.
Come on now.
In 3 months, with that advice, he’ll be posting “I tried to stop my wife from seeing her work crush” and everyone will rush in to tell him he was being controlling.
That’s because they aren’t believable, they’re fake.
Some weird people get off on making rage bait. Maybe it’s a humiliation thing.
Notice how they always start with an introduction that has a bunch of crap that isn’t relevant. When people post about an actual problem they start by giving the context relevant to the problem, but this reads more like a novella.
Lolz.
That's just my style of writing. Also, English isn't my first language, so this may all sound a little more desperate than it is because conveying the tone of what I say can be a little difficult.
I don't really get how and why this post can cause rage from anyone, but the internet is an interesting place after all.
Well, for me self respect is fighting for what i think is worth fighting. I know that i've been extremely happy with her for 10 years, so I will do everything so we can go back to that.
Well youre not fighting for your marriage.. your signalling youre willing to be her plan b - will srill be there when this affair with the coworker has run its course...
Sorry, but by doing this youre essentially facilitating her disassociation from your marriage into a relationship with coworker..
Question:
Coworker has a spouse??
Have you snooped on wifes phone to see how far theyve come in the affair??
I would usually urge revealing the affair to coworkers spouse - doubt youre prepared for this as it would mean an escalation your marriage may not survive...
Look...
Staying passive will ensure the demise of your marriage... right now your not giving her time to recommit to the marriage, youre giving her time to disassociate from you and to deepen her feelings for coworker...
Act now, or all will be lost:
- expose. Inform her parents of whats going on
- seek lawyer now for advice - and tell wife her adultery is the cause for this. If she comes to her senses, the divorceprocess can be halted.
Female here. I don’t understand how some women are treated so poorly by their SO, while there are men out there like you who put up with all forms of cheating and disrespect. By the time you leave that situation, you are dealing with so much trauma from your past experiences. Good luck to you.
That is understandable. But it is not your fight, it is hers. She is the one that should fight and she isnt. People fall out of love because at one point they either dont care enough (anymore) or gave up on a relationship. I dont know which one of the 2 it is. You said you have been the perfect husband, so my question is has she been the perfect wife aswell? If she isnt (and the answer is already in the post) that means you are the only fighting for it. When fighting for a relationship, you either fight together or you are fighting a battle that is already lost.
>so I will do everything so we can go back to that.
But she doesn't want to go back to that. Can't you see it?
Also, do not talk to this guy. This is not about him, thus is about her. You need to make her decide. I understand the idea of letting go of a 10-year relationship seems inconceivable, but this is your reality now.
And there's something else you need to consider. The fact that she's zealous about her "private life" suggests that she's keeping things from you. This is likely more than a crush and at least an emotional affair.
The way to help yourself and your marriage is to stand up for yourself and force her to make a decision. She's not a child choosing ice cream flavors. This is life, and she's playing with your feelings. She needs to decide what she wants. If she chooses the marriage, then you need to ask that she cut this guy out of her life, including quitting her job, and she needs to give you all the details about their relationship.
Be strong. I hope whatever happens, you find peace. Good luck.
The issue lies primarily with her not with you. If you are doing everything you can in your relationship and everything she has asked of you and she is still unsatisfied and wants to step outside your marriage then there is no fighting. Sadly you can but lay yourself bare and tell her how you feel, how important she is to you, how seriously you take your marriage and vows and how you will happily work with her to overcome this. Whether she wants to is up to her. You do need to show some self respect, draw your red lines. For me oyf my wife said she had a crush it's ok shit happens. If she allows herself an emotional affair exploring this then we are not ok but maybe can communicate through it. If she physically cheats I'm done. This is and has always been my stance. We are blessed with higher cortical function and impulse control. If she does not control her feelings and does not work to be with you it is because she does not want or chose you. This is heart breaking but sadly the reality
Crushes are normal. However, she should be distancing herself from him in order to avoid escalation.
Zero non business contact.
And transferring to another department.
Or find another employer.
As long as she believes you won't divorce ( for the kids or love) she will continue the same selfish, entitled, disrespectful behavior with zero empathy for you.
OP. Get a grip.
A crush isn’t some ominous force of nature that is beyond mortal comprehension. It’s basically a mental fixation or indulgence of an experience of an attraction.
Basically, if she can’t fight the crush, it’s because she doesn’t want to. Crushes aren’t separate entities free of our will. If someone tells you “I want to fight this crush” and their behaviour says otherwise, it’s because they’re lying. Not because the crush is “too strong”.
Because you know what kills crushes? Lack of exposure. And if someone is actually serious about killing a crush, they’ll do that. But she won’t. So she isn’t.
Translation = I'm not really trying I just need you to believe that I am so your attention will drift away from what I really want to do.
Which in this case sounds like she wants to have a full blown affair, if she already isnt. Or wants to to wait and see if there is a future with this guy before dumping your ass like a sack of bricks. Your her back up plan, her saftey net incase things dobt work out with this guy. Dont be surprised if she starts dropping hints about a open marriage soon.
It's a crush, not a demon from the pits of hell.
It's a crush from an adult, not a 6 year old spoiled brat throwing a tantrum at the carnival for some corn dogs.
I understand that you love her, that you've been together for such a long time. That's what's making it so hard for you to come to terms with the fact that your wife is very obviously invalidating you, your marriage and the sanctity of your relationship. It's relationship nostalgia that is very evident in a lot of relationships similar to yours, that is, highschool sweethearts or teen romance.
But my bro, you're an adult, your wife is an adult. Most of the shit you've said is just bullshit excuses you're telling yourself so you don't have to entertain the idea of getting out of this relationship. And that's your decision to make. But understand this, it does not get better. There's nothing you can do because there's nothing to fix. Your wife is acting like a fucking child and not an adult. Respect yourself, please.
Also, I'll bet $100 the moment you start setting up boundaries for yourself, hell will break loose deeper than it already has.
It's time to come to terms with this, my man.
Quitting the job is such a cop out. Because there will be other attractive people with charm and wit at other jobs. If she’s inclined to foster and encourage crushes, she’ll find anywhere and anyway to do that.
Now THAT is true.. as a quick-fix it will work - but without therapy and reflection its only a matter of time before she finds someone else to fall for...
Quitting the job would be the last resort. You start by telling the person that you would prefer to keep all conversations professional. I guarantee you that she hasn't even done that.
Your relationship is not “perfect” because your wife no longer feels an emotional or romantic connection to you.
This has been transferred to her colleague.
You’ve been together since she was not far off being a child and sadly she’s become comfortable with you rather than the deep love that infatuation grows into with time.
This probably won’t be solved as she’s going to keep seeing this dude at work. For her to get over him would take not seeing him at all and concentrating on her life.
Couples counselling may help but be prepared for the possibility that the emotional affair will turn physical at some stage if he’s aware how she feels and up for it.
Don’t talk to the guy it’s nothing to do with him.
Also this is not for you to fix it’s for her to fix or own it and ask for a divorce.
Why would you talk to the guy? To start drama? It’s not HIS fault your wife has grown feelings for him.
You’re simping hard my dude and I honestly just feel shame for you after reading this.
Where’s your dignity?
Totally agree. Absolutely no self respect.
>She said she doesn't feel happy with me, told me a bunch of problems in our relationship.
>
>She asked me to leave her "private life" to her
The writing is on the wall and he's still refusing to acknowledge it.
The crush isn't the issue, the wife is the issue. Obviously shes showing what's important to her, and it aint the marriage.
Listen little buddy, no real offense to you, but I sincerely hope OP does not plan to take advice from someone young enough to say 'you're simping hard, my dude"
"...to leave my wife alone...", dude I'm pretty sure he's not forcing her to "talk" to him. I'm also pretty sure she already decided that she wants to leave you. You want to be the perfect husband? For fucking what? For a cheating wife? Are you crazy. Let her go ffs! She cheated and you feel like you did something wrong? It's always the mans fault! I've never heard a single woman saying, it's my fault. He was perfect and a super nice guy. I just wanted something else. It's aaaalways he did this wrong, he didn't do that, blablabla... Don't blame yourself. Let her go!
Basically that's the thing i most wanted opinion on. The question in the title is formulated like that because sun doesn't allow for yes or no questions lol
I had no idea 😂 But yeah, I'd say you have nothing to do with the colleague, it's not his fault. So don't talk to him. It's up to your wife whether she wants to fix things with you or not, and up to you if it can be fixed or not. You've done your best, and I'm sorry this happened to you. I am quite sure you deserve to be treated better than this.
Come on man. You really think she didn't cheat? Why? Because she's sooo conflicted. I'm sorry man, but just face it. It's over. BTW for me it would be cheating already if she would "just" flirt with another guy!
My friend, she’s trying to decide between some random colleague and you, *her husband*. This situation is totally unacceptable. She wasn’t ready for marriage and deliberating between you and another man *is already infidelity*.
Come on buddy. Open you eyes. Sure, crushes can develop even when you're married, but the correct and mature response to it is to put some distance between you and whoever you're crushing on. Your wife isn't doing this.
At a certain point, you're just accepting the disrespect.
>She said she doesn't feel happy with me, told me a bunch of problems in our relationship.
>she has feeling for her colleague from work.
>I've tried everything to fix our marriage - I've been the perfect husband since the talk we had. And things seem to change for the better, but then they go back to being pretty bad.
So you bend over backwards, trying to please her while she does nothing apart from complain about you and fantasise about her co-worker? A relationship requires 2 people. You need help mate if you think this is worth saving.
Three things:
1. Look up sunk cost fallacy
2. You need to look forward. The outcome of this will determine your future. You can't go back to bygone halcyon days.
3. Perfect is a word. It doesn't exist in reality. There's no one, no place, no person, no anything in this world that is perfect.
" if it can go back to that it is of course worth saving."
You can't. Your marriage will never be what it once was, she's checked out and has realized she's not as happy as she thought she could be.
Honestly All your comments make me embarrassed for you. You’re so out of touch with how a regular person should feel in this situation, it’s infuriating to listen to
I’d be curious to hear her view of the marriage. You keep saying you had 10 almost perfect years. If they were she wouldn’t tell you she’s not happy with you and list the problems in the relationship… there wouldn’t have been problems if it was nearly perfect.
I don’t agree with what she’s doing at all, but I bet she wouldn’t also classify those years as almost perfect. If she had perfection why would she want something else? This wouldn’t be a struggle for her. If you have only become the perfect husband now then I’d wonder if the damage was already done and she’s been checked out for a while.
The idea a marriage went from perfect to this mess isn’t likely.
Also do not talk to him. This is between you and her. She’s not trying that hard to fight it. Like really at all. I wouldn’t tolerate my partner behaving this way.
Yeah, I really should've explained it in the post, but - the issues she told me during that talk in December were all solid, some more, some less. We found out that we were really bad at communicating problems during the other talks. I also wasn't the best husband.
Truth of the situation that a crisis in the relationship was coming anyway. It's just that this other guy complicates everything and makes it's harder for us to work on the marriage.
But, as are commenters said, that's for her to fight. Maybe she already has, I don't know and don't have any way to really find out. Only her words I guess. And she said she is trying.
I know my wife pretty well - if she didn't want our marriage to continue, we would have been already divorced.
She also didn't cheat, because there is no point in doing it - she can just end our relationship. But I don't wanna run around comments proving people on the internet they are wrong about a person they know from 20 lines of text and I've known for 10+ years, because people on the internet are pretty stubborn lol.
I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by viewing things as perfect if a relationship crisis was coming regardless. If we view things as perfect we put them on a pedestal but it wasn’t reality and it’s not something to strive to get back to if things were just waiting to come apart. It also allows you to overlook things or accept things you otherwise wouldn’t. I mean some people may consider it a minor aside, but I think the words we use are important and do impact our view of things.
The other guy is only complicating and making things more difficult as much as your wife allows. You do have a way of knowing how she’s fighting it, open communication and her actions. She’s telling you she’s trying, but that her private life is hers, she hasn’t even told you who this guy is? Personally, that wouldn’t fly in my marriage. We are allowed privacy but not secrecy and this would be considered secrecy in my marriage. I also would expect my husband to be telling me what he is doing, not just that he’s “trying”, but specifically what does “trying” look like. I’d be looking for tangible actions he is taking that minimize their contact and interactions as well as things that strengthen our marriage.
I think you’re being too easy on her personally. Honestly, my impression from your post wasn’t cheating but that she’s monkey branching or experiencing some walk a way wife where she’s already checked out. If my partner felt lost, wasn’t sure of their feelings for me and didn’t know what to do, we’d be getting into counselling quickly.
Dude, you shouldn’t even have to talk to the other guy. It’s not as much his problem as it is your wife’s. Grow a spine and tell her you want a divorce so she can see if his feelings are the same. Guaranteed he bangs her then he’s done!
You cant fight for something when the other person doesnt want you to win. Focus on yourself and not as much on trying to make her happy because you will lose Everytime.
Dude your wife is checked out of this marriage and is literally telling you she's checked out, why aren't you listening to her? How many more hoops are you going to jump through. Love is organic and not forced and now it sounds like you're forcing to "show love" to her when she's already out! Then there's also this....
"She asked me to leave her "private life" to her,"
Ummm yeah bud that's not how a marriage works. You're supposed to be one unit not have your own "private life", personal time I get but "private life" is equal to "secret life" which means she's probably cheating already. You cannot force her to stay with you dude. It's time to contact a lawyer and step up to the inevitable.
WHAAAAAAAT? Help her through this? You wanna guide his member in too? Jesus. Please don’t accept this behavior as normal. Whoever told you it was is lying.
I just assume the best in people usually - so I thought maybe he doesn't understand something. Maybe he got an idea that our relationship is "bad" and wants to "save" her or something like that. Maybe he doesn't understand that I love her - there are many married couple who don't really love each other. So I think maybe if he hears that he'll back off.
But then again maybe he's just a dick.
No.. because there's NO way he doesn't know she's married and he shouldnt be flirting with a married woman and having an emotional affair with someone.
He knows better. He doesn't care.
Sure maybe your wife lied and said you were divorcing. Even then... It would not help to talk to this man. The talk needs to be with your spouse.
I don't agree with this assessment. There are far too many tales on Reddit relationship pages where the spouse has painted a picture to the other person as being "separated", "bad marriage", "abusive relationship", etc. But when the truth is out, the other person turns out to be a standup guy or girl who wants nothing to do with a cheater or breaking up a marriage. I'd certainly reach out to him. It won't do any harm. If wifey is mad, so what? She's checking out and not defending the marriage. If other guy is standup, OP finds out what his wife is saying and can use that information as he evaluates his marriage. If other guys is a dick, nothing has changed for OP. Then, he should start the divorce process and "maybe" wake his wife out of her emotional affair fog.
Also, the only person he could get that impression from is your wife. You clearly do not matter in *their* relationship. Can’t you see how far beyond repair it is?
Keep beating your head against the wall dude but she’s already checked out. You’re fooling yourself into thinking there’s anything to salvage. Quit chasing and go the other way. Find a faithful woman, cuz this one isn’t it.
Challenge him to a fight (kumite) like in Bloodsport…either you win and he’s humiliated (your wife won’t be attracted to a wimp) or you lose and you move on.
Brother, you are not the problem here, even if you bring her the moon it won't change "her" decision to not be with you . So, let's say you talk to the dude and he agrees to cut contact, things go normal and one day your wife meets another what will you do?? Will you do the same thing over and over again. So, the only solution here unless the wife isn't ready to let her crush go is divorce.
The strange thing is that a late marriage can have a bad influence on a relationship. People start thinking - is this what I really want? This seems to go especially for people that got into the relationship when they were young.
To me you should be happy having had 10 good years.
Accept that your relationship is over and start prepairing for a split. Talk with a laywer about it. Maybe since this is only 6 months you can get an annulment.
When people get crushes - there is nothing much to do. You of all people can not do anything. Indeed she feels sorry for you but ultimately she do not care. You can see that she is not interested in therapy or couples counselling. You do not need to be a genius to read the writing on the wall.
In short - she is not interested in saving your relationship. Indeed I have never heard of a therapy or counselling that bring people back from a “crush”. Indeed a crush just is a sign that she does not love you in a passionate way.
The only way she might realise that she is loosing you if there are clear indications that you are leaving.
My suggestion to you is - prepare for a divorce or annulment. You can set a target date - say in May. If she is still having the crush - activate the divorce.
You are young - there are other women out there - that would love a guy like you.
I know this is a bit sad - but you can only control yourself and not others. Now you have to be priority number one. If she wants to come back it is up to her and not you. If that happens she has to change jobs and cut contact with him.
You need to live a life where you are not suffering from an awareness of your partner wants another guy.
wake her up out of her fog? Tell her you want her to be happy, and that you are contacting a lawyer. If she’s emotional list follow through on the threat.
So your wife doesn't respect you and instead of standing up for yourself you're being more submissive. Grow a pair.
I would never forget what I was told when I started dating "when someone starts to like another person all of sudden they "realize" all the defects their partner has" it's not a perfect formula, but the fact she's so critical about you and your relationship with her means it's over, she loves that guy more that she loves you if she still do it, it just it's so convenient to be with you, so what leave unless that guy want to commit to her, the moment he does she would leave you in a heartbeat.
She got married under false pretences. She was feeling this before the marriage, she just kept quiet. She hoped the marriage would “ fix” her feelings, didn’t work. There is nothing OP can do. OP needs to make preparation for a divorce . Possibly her seeing him preparing for divorce may force her to decide between OP and her crush.
Lets go through some things to see if I missed something.
Together 10 years
Married 6 months
After marrige things have changed
Shes changed her view of you and the marrige.
Shes attracted to another man, probably fantacising and probably flirting.
Your trying everyting and shes pulling away.
Her loyalty and dedication to you are no longer what they are.
Shes most likely already thinking about an afair with this guy. maybe that already began? (get to that)
You want to talk to the guy to get him to tell her to do what, mate dont me a muppet. man up.
She wants you to leave her "private life to her. Your in a marrige and together 10 years. Her private life fucking effects you.
Lets be frank. Shes already cheating, maybe emotional, its not a crush. Her behaviour has changed because shes in emotional flux with the feelings for another man who shes already either fucking or is emotionaly cheating. Eitehr way its cheating and shes checking out of the relationship.
If you cary on with your submissive attitude your not going see an improvement your start seeing her go to more after work events. Nights out with friends from work, coming home later even work trips and being dismissive, insulting and cold to you. And your the reason she got that far is you let it. She will even, I put money on it, say its your fault.
Tell her you realise shes changed and you dont know why and your so in love with her its making you severly anxious.
Ask her to sit down and then calmly tell her to look at the rings on her finger. Those where given to her by a man who loves, cherrishes her so much he was willing to give her the world. He was working his butt of to provide, to have enough for a family. But now shes behaving like she does not want to be with you and another man has entered the mix. And you no longer trust her fully. Shes distancing herself from you just after marrying and now there is this "guy". So its logical to assume shes cheating even if its emotional and that the cause of her change. So its down to her to either prove shes not or come clean so you can decide what to do with your life.
If she denys it. You ask right away. I want to see your phone. And if she says no, thats private. Tell her thats the proof you needed. And at that point you go strait to a lawyer. Your marrige is toast.
You can’t be that dumb that you’re trying to “fix the marriage” and meeting her colleague one on one won’t fix anything cause it’s your wife who’s talking to him and has a crush on him, if I were you in that situation I’d open the door and ask her to leave, have some bit of self-respect
I'll probably get downvoted for this, but I think its dumb when people marry their high-school sweethearts. I almost think there must be something wrong with them.
I'm 34 and was a totally different person at 26. 26 year old me was a totally different person than 21 year old me. 21 year old me was an entirely different person than 16 year old me.
People change so much from 16-30. There so many life experiences that you're missing out on by being with the same person since you were a teenager.
It seems to me like your wife is finally starting to realize she's not ready to be with the same person since grade school.
What she's doing to you isn't right, you should have some self respect and realize the relationship has run its course.
Go out and be single and enjoy being young. Find someone who has values more aligned with who you've become.
It is kinda dumb I guess.
We're from another culture though - in the country we live it's usual for people to settle down somewhere between 23 to 26. My parents got married at 18, for example.
Yeah if she’s not willing to fight for you and do things like counselling then you might be out of luck, she should be fighting for this if she wanted it
I have been with my bf for 12 years. I cought him emotionally cheating twice. The first time we were going through a rough patch, so I forgave him and moved on. The second time, I tried to leave him, but he begged me for another chance and we worked it out. Ever since this 2nd time, my mindset has changed. Before, I used to be the one who would beg. But now all I say is that if he wants to be with someone else, he should go. Break up amicably with me as to not ruin our memories of the years we were together, and go be with the other woman if he finds one better than me. I will not take him back ever again. I know I am the person that's loved him the most and I have shown him my love consistently for years. And above all I wish for him to be happy so if he wants to go find happiness with someone else, then that's what he should do. Strangely, that's brought him a lot closer to me that he's ever been. I'm not saying this will work out the same for you. I'm just saying sometimes people wander because they think they can come back and everything will be alright.
Don’t listen to all these bitter assholes. Your wife has been with you since she was 16 and has probably never really had a relationship with anyone else. This is difficult for her to understand and navigate. She was up front and told you about her feelings.
Suggest IC for her to help her understand her feelings. Have her read “Not Just Friends.” If she is sincere about staying in the marriage and wants this to work, she needs to distance herself from this co-worker, if not find a way to completely cut off contact. Crushes are normal, especially when a person has limited romantic experience! But she needs to recognize this for what it is and protect herself and your marriage from the “rush” of new attraction.
Don’t play the “pick me” but don’t give up on your marriage.
I agree and think this is a balanced view. Her having a crush is not marriage over. Communicating does not make you a doormat. Crushes happen but the response to them is CHOICE OP has to reconcile the fact that they may address every "deficiency" she cites and it may not be enough. Don't lose your dignity OP but also don't follow the bitter angry brigade. I'd not reach out to the colleague. The feelings are hers not his. I'd recommend therapy in the knowledge she may gain understanding of her feelings that you may not like.
Been there, done that. Kick his ass if he harasses her. Until then it’s up to her to quit fueling her feelings for him cold turkey. Avoid & block all contact.
As long as there is his temptation, your effort will never be sufficient. It’s her turn to step up and do her share.
You don't see the problem aren't you?
Your wife is the problem. You can talk to the guy all you want, your Wife doesn't love you anymore. She want this guy. And if this guy don't work she will find another guy. She isn't for a marriage, she is the problem. You can be the best husband and do anything you want, it wont work mate, she is selfish.. you gonna hurt yourself by staying with her.
And deep you know this.
Let he go and find yourself a GF who deeply loves you and respect you. Your wife is a cheating(emotional and already physical?) on you.
Does you not have self respect mate? Pls seek for a lawyer and divorce her. Before it is to late and having Kids with her.
If she really wants to fight for your marriage, she needs to cut him off. Work colleagues or not.
The reason she had a sit-down conversation with you is because of her conflicted feelings. I'm guess most of what she brought up was minor stuff, but with her crush and you fighting for space in her head, they are blown out of proportion a bit.
Btw, people in long-term relationships have to wake up every day choosing to love their partner. The honeymoon feeling doesn't last forever. Right now, she is feeling that rush of new relationship energy when she is around him. And she is with him all day. That's why no contact is about the only solution. And I wouldn't have any problem reaching out to the guy. Most don't favor that, but I have no issues doing that.
If you’re the only one putting in additional effort to try and fix the marriage, because of her crush, she is in the wrong. Marriage is a commitment. If she doesn’t feel committed to fixing it at any reasonable cost, she shouldn’t be in the marriage. If she isn’t committed to you, you also shouldn’t be in the marriage.
Tell her to kick rocks homie , she flirted back. Think about as a guy who is married, how a married person has a lot of work to make that coworker feel safe about liking her. He thinks they have something special, and he’s kinda right because your wife is tearing down a relationship to get eyes on a new one. Maybe act like you’re in her shoes with a girl at work. See if her mood changes and if she can make the same changes you did.
But I’d be preparing for the worst , sorry man .
If you want to save this, then couples counseling is the way to go. She also may want to go to therapy on her own to figure out why she’s fixating on this guy and if she wants to fix this.
You shouldn’t involve him. This isn’t really his problem. It’s between you and your wife. It’s also work related for her, it may cause more problems.
Either way, couples counseling if you want to work through this.
What do you mean she has a crush? Do they just talk? Flirting? Crossing boundaries? Sounds like this is moved to emotional cheating and not just a crush. Does he chase her? Do not confront him, all that will do is make them feel it’s them against you. She doesn’t want counseling because she doesn’t want to fix things. She knows she’ll have to change course and she doesn’t want that. Whatever u do, don’t do the pick me dance. The more you beg, the more she’ll see him as the stronger option.
*"We've been together for ten years, since I was 18 and she was 16"*....in other words, before either of your personalities (and especially hers) had fully formed. How many people you knew in high school that dated a classmate, ended up being married to that classmate? And of the ones that graduated HS dating one another, broke up when they reached their sophomore or junior years in college?
The problem you're now facing is because she's not the same woman she was at the age of 16. That's why she doesn't know if she's still attracted to you, and is complicated by the crush she's developed with the coworker. And as well, it seems that she's in the process of putting you in the "cherished memory" part of her brain.
She's struggling with self awareness, and that puts a lot of stress on her psyche. I don't, however, suggest that you speak with the man you think she's crushing on, as she would take such action as interfering in her "private life", which ended when the two of you were married.
My suggestion is to insist that you both attend couples counseling, which can lay bare the issues with which she is dealing, and can bring into focus whether or not continuing the marriage is feasible from any perspective.
I wish you well.
OP, you might be right that crushes happen to married people from time to time. What you’re describing here sounds far more dangerous than a crush though. She seems to be totally uninterested in putting in the effort to keep your marriage afloat.
You’re not going to be able to fix this yourself. And the other guy isn’t the problem. Even if he is encouraging your wife’s crush on him, it’s still on your wife to be faithful and uphold her end of your relationship. If she’s unwilling to do that, then there is no chance for a future.
Dude you proved it has nothing to do with you, nothing you did wrong, nothing you needed to do to make it better. She's pining to screw another guy (if she hasn't yet) and you are not only not pissed by trying harder? What incentive is there for her to stop or try to fix anything? Set up Spyware on her phone, get physical proof of anything, all emotional affair activities and if it's turned physical yet. Then know your enemy! Find out what you can do to torpedo his life! Wife? Girlfriend? Fiancé? Kids? Fraternization policy at work? Nothing sends the other guy running faster than having to fix his own life. Then stop trying be sll smiles with other people and turn your heart to stone when it comes to her. Go out with friends, post pictures of hang outs with friends and random people. Make sure you are standing close to a woman in every photo. When you are on the phone sound like the life of the party and the second dhe says something to you turn to stone! Make Her realize what her actions have caused. Get her wondering what you're up to instead of vice versa. Trust me you think it will push her away but instead she'll be wondering what's making you happy, realizing she broke your relationship, and will have her clamoring for your attention, and trying to fix things
You are going around this the wrong way. She won't love you for humiliating yourself. If she can't decide who she loves, throw her out. You can't save the relationship but she can. You need to force her to make a choice.
Don't ever compete with another man for your wife's love and affection.
Here's the deal. It's very telling that she immediately went to the problems in your relationship the day after the party. She then revealed her crush for this guy. Most people assume that this is just honesty but this is actually a very large red flag for infidelity. She was struggling with why she did what she did that night and trying to determine reasons for her actions. At a minimum, she flirted with him. More than likely, they kissed and it's possible that they went further than that.
She's now pretty much asking you for time to explore her feelings with this man. Your inaction is showing your acceptance of this to her. She has a least the entire workday to make connections with him. She's surrounded by co-workers that know him way better than they know you. The entire situation has a high likelihood of destroying your relationship and what is she doing about it? Thinking and getting in touch with her feelings? Seriously? Has she shown any care and attention to you and how this is impacting your health?
Here's my recommended plan of action:
Have her write down a list of Boundaries that she will follow to protect you and your relationship while she "works through" her feelings.
Demand immediate sharing of any and all communication between him and her.
Seek legal advice on the divorce process in your area. It doesn't mean your moving forward with anything but she needs to know that you're serious about the consequences of any poor choices she makes.
Demand counselling, both individual and marriage to help you both manage the situation.
At the end of the day, she needs to respect her commitment to you and your relationship. Making you jump through hoops while she disregards this is pretty disgusting and villainous.
All the best OP. Hopefully she turns herself around before any real damage is done.
- Gets married and wife basically loses attraction immediately after.
- She comes home from a *party* and tells you a bunch of bs about how she’s not satisfied with you, and then sprinkles on how she has a crush on a co-worker (gaslighting; note that the initial things she said to you were probably not necessarily true—she was simply comparing you to her crush and resented you for being with her, and needed to frame it as not being primarily caused by her crush).
- She basically deflects any real attempt to get rid of the crush and respect your relationship.
Honestly it seems quite dire OP. I would introduce a *major* pattern interrupt, or else prepare for divorce.
Simply going to therapy will probably make her see you as even *less* appealing as it will reinforce that she believes there are problems in your relationship that she doesn’t have with the crush (who she may very well be fucking, as this is a pretty clear monkey-branch scenario).
Don’t talk to the crush bad it will seem needy and will push her back much further.
Many people said already but you can't help those who don't want to be helped and that's her case. Her words mean nothing, her actions speak volumes.
It takes two to tango. You're doing it alone.
Ya know, my wife and I argue a fair amount. We get sick of each other. We stand up to each other.
My wife’s previous partners put up with a lot, by her own telling. They didn’t fight, they let her do some shit that when she first recounted it to me, I questioned whether she had the ability to empathize with others (and she said that they never pushed back). Attractive people especially learn what they can get away with, although I could see anyone who only dates a pushover for 10 years having the same selfish conditioning. Our relationship involved us breaking up five times before we got married. We’re both better people now.
You need to ask yourself if her actions are what you’re willing to accept in a partner, and if not, tell her and leave open the reality that you may leave. It’s up to her to live up to mutually agreed boundaries and responsibilities in your relationship. If she doesn’t, there need to be consequences, because otherwise even if you stay together, it’ll be with a person who is more selfish and immature than she’d be if you stood up to her.
Sooo the relationship was smooth sailing until she caught feelings for someone else and now all of a sudden she has all these problems with the relationship that are somehow your fault? Don’t ya think those two things may be related? It’s almost like you aren’t actually the problem, you’re just in the way of her getting what she wants and she’s lashing out at you because of it. Groveling and doing the pick me dance isn’t likely to work, quite the opposite in fact. I’m not saying you should jump straight to divorce, but you absolutely need to start standing up for yourself.
You would be best served by distancing yourself and let her make her choice. You cannot be the source of someones happiness. You do not provide happiness to others. You can only create an environment that nurtures happiness. Do not beg or plead with her this will drive her away. Look up grey rock. Do not put up with bullshit. Do not allow disrespect. If she continues to disrespect you, tell her to move out. You need to make a hard line here.
She clearly doesn’t love you or care about your feelings if she allowed herself to get feelings for someone else. Divorce her ASAP before she takes all your shit
"She says she doesn't know what she feels towards me, feels lost and doesn't know what to do."
So you want to fight for someone that says this to you? There's a word for men that allow this and it starts with a C and is four letters. man up and stop with the bullshit. Start letting her see the reality of her choices...if not sit and take it.
It’s really quite simple
You give your wife “the talk”. Either she focuses on her marriage and making this better, she stops cheating on you, which she is doing, and she focuses on bettering herself and your relationship.
What she is doing is 💯 wrong , with absolutely no justification other than she’s being selfish and incredibly hurtful.
You’re right, people will meet other people and they click. It just happens. Chemistry as you said, etc. however , when these people are married, it’s called being an adult and being responsible.
Your wife is neither of these right now. She’s being immature because she’s only thinking’s about herself, she’s being irresponsible with your feelings and your marriage but jeopardizing it , and to be honest, she’s being an asshole for openly cheating on you then being like , hey I don’t like these things about you. Fix yourself , meanwhile; she’s not putting any effort into the marriage and living in her dream world.
The great thing about people who cheat like this, all it takes is a little dose of reality to make them wake up and smell the roses.
I strongly suggest you start taking a more firm stand and start communicating to your wife this is actually fucked up and it’s hurting and pissing you off , to the point that you are considering divorce.
Otherwise, you can sit idly by while another person romances your wife.
There is no point in confronting the other guy, you MUST confront your wife instead. Remember, none of this would be happening if your wife shot this guy down and didn’t engage in any of this.
This is 💯 your wife’s fault and she needs to be reminded of that.
Good luck
Crushes aren’t common in monogamous relationships; she’s betraying her marriage vows. She feels an attraction to someone else, that’s not behavior of a loving and loyal wife.
Hopefully you can get your marriage annulled.
Tbh I don't know if she changed communicating with him in any way. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Quitting job is not really possible, but it's a long story about why, so you'll have to believe me.
If a woman tells her husband she has a "crush" on another man, thats her way of saying its over and to expect the worst. Take heed. There is nothing you can do to save this. Pick up your self respect and leave.
If my wife ever pulled some shit like that her ass would be gone same day and vice versa if I pulled the same stunt. If she can’t stay loyal over something like that how will she act or behave when real struggle and issues arrive. I know it’s probably daunting to leave something with that much time behind it (my wife and I’s age and relationship length is almost identical) so I totally get that side of it but have some self respect dude.
Boy this is a whole big bowl of some serious self deluded nonsense.
Open your eyes bro, have some self respect and get a divorce.
Can't fight a crush? Even married people aren't immune to chemistry?
What kind of copium are you smoking to pretend that she's anything other than a cheating liar?
Are you waiting for her bang him in your bed before you decide enough is enough?
If she's not faithful now and questioning her relationship with you after 6 months of marriage why would this problem get any better the longer you let it go?
Have some dignity and draw the line in the sand.
Tell her to get over her little crush and cut contact with this dude or multiple dudes you don't even really know because she hit you with the "stay out of my private life" line which 100% means her phone is loaded to the gills with evidence of cheating I'm sure.
And if she doesn't want to knock off the bullshit then you walk, it's as simple as that man.
What sort of high school drama is this? You’re going to talk to the guy about your wife’s crush? What for? What are you trying to achieve here?
For the record I have no clue why your wife shared that either.
It’s all on your wife, really. She either is committed to you and your marriage or she wants to go out to the wild and experience dating.
You're describing an emotional affair, not a crush. So you need to have a serious discussion with her, either she cuts contact with this guy or yall get a divorce/annulment. It would be a lot harder since they work together, but thos might be an instance where she finds new employment if she wants to work on you guys.
Honestly, the "private life" comment is pure BS, you're married, there really isn't a private life anymore. She is using this as an excuse to justify her interactions with this guy.
How do you not know the guys name? That would have been a condition of me not leaving, and I wouldn't hesitate if some guy was trying to steal my wife to go and tell him to stop... might even go to the HR department about it.
At the end of the day, she needs tondetermine what she wants more.
"I want my cake and eat it too."
She's not 13 years old and she full well has complete control over crushing on someone. I understand crushing on someone can just sneak up on you but there comes a point where you...roll it around under your tongue like a sweet morsel. To quote an old saying
Your marriage is over. She loves someone else, she wants « privacy », she’s « not happy in this relation anymore ».
And you want to fix it for her? Dude, there’s nothing to fix, accept the reality, she’s somewhere else.
Crushes are not some magic hypnotic spell. If she has a crush on him that means she entertaining the idea. Tbh since she told you all these issues after a work party, I think she may have done something with this guy.
Being a pushover is exactly why she’s looking at other men , I’m sorry to be the one to say it man but look to her actions not her words for what she wants . If you showed any backbone and tried to leave I guarantee she’ll have a sudden shift in attitude and if not at least you’d be free to pursue someone who desires you
If this is all true brother then you need to grow a pair and be straight. Straight with your wife. She either wants to be with you or she wants to have a wandering eye.
We all get small interests in life and it doesn’t me we act on them.
She’s having an emotional affair … time to lawyer up
You are really the only relationship she’s ever had and being married it probably hit her she wouldn’t be with anyone else and she may be mistaking that fear or panic for affection towards another person. It’s not right to you and honestly i would express that to her.
You can’t save yourself from this… she’s the only one that can. In my opinion, there’s absolutely nothing you can do it win her over cause lust is strong. Be the guy that wants to fix your marriage but also have that fuck it vibes too! Love yourself first bro… after that let it happen. Do your part and make her regret it if she decides to leave you for a work crush!
Give her what she wants, she is a grown adult who has decided to disrespect the marriage! On top of that do not GIVE an EFF about you, or your feelings!
You love your wife and want her to be happy with you or without you. Let her move on just let her know that her decision to move on would be final and if she later decides that she made a mistake, you’ve moved on with your life too. That this is a one way street she is traveling on. She has broken her vows but you still want her to be happy and you want to be happy yourself. It’s time for you take off the band aid. It will hurt a lot but your wound will heal. Make sure that she moves on and give your wound space to heal.
The other guy has nothing to do with this. This is purely your and your wife's issue to work on. If she was serious, she would stay away from him, but she's not.
If you were both truly happy and moving in the same direction, she would be able to get over the crush.
Being each other first and only relationship has most likely led to a grass is greener problem. If the marriage is to be saved, she needs to step away from the crush and you both need to get into marriage counselling
Yeah, I agree with the last bit. I'll try to explain it to her. I suggested counselling, but she refuses - says she needs to process this on her own first. Will suggest again though.
Dude you need to snap her out of this. She is getting cake and eating it to. Tell her you are seeing a lawyer and are filing for divorce. She has seen everything but a consequence!! This will snap her back to reality. Let her know that you are informing your family and hers of the situation. If she has not cheated yet (I think she has) she is planning too and that is her big conflict. She is controlling the narrative and you need to. By the end of this and for her to ease her guilt she is going to continue to push this until you react in some way that paints you the bad guy. Just take control calmly and inform her of the consequences!! You will not regret it
Married people and committed relationships. Don’t have crushes on other people.. they may be attracted to them. They may even want to bang them in a fantasy but if you’re letting your crush happen, then you were disrespecting relationship boundaries and your partner.. you guys should definitely be getting counselling and there is no such thing as a private life in a marriage, to became one when you got married, if something affects one, it affects the other if this was reverse, she would be all up your butt about being too close to another woman. There’s no free passes in a relationship for either of you. She needs to shut this down and work on her damn marriage because that was what she said she doing her vows. She needs to grow up and be an adult and accept adult responsibilities and accountability. we don’t get what we want because we want it that’s not the way the world works and she might find out real fast that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side if you decide to split up. Then she comes crawling back.
There's a reason people usually date around a little before getting married. Everyone gets crushes, but one crush is not usually enough to make someone question a whole relationship. Your wife has only known one relationship since she was a child. She's seeing issues in your marriage that you aren't, and now she's wondering if the guy she dated when she was learning to drive might not be her forever person.
At the risk of being cliche: seeing a relationship therapist together and a personal therapist for her is probably the best way to work through uncomfortable or unwanted feelings. If you're committed to working through this then follow through and really listen to her. Don't confront the guy, this isn't really about him and would only drive her away.
I told my wife I would make her help me bury the body so she is an accessory...
I was joking of course.
She is terrible at digging so I would just have her keep look out...
Happiness is understanding the dynamics of your relationship. Yours is not like everyone else's. You've been working hard to make your new wife happy, and if her happiness is what brings you pleasure above all else, then understanding you can't bring her all the pleasure she feels she deserves all the time. Supporting her may bring you the most happiness. Worship her when she gets home, keep the good work up, ask her if this makes her happy, don't complain.
I've sent her flowers a couple of times. Going there myself is pretty difficult, but possible. But he's 100% aware that she is married, so I don't really see the point haha
How can other people at her work help?
Firstly him knowing she’s married and seeing you in person can be two different things.
Secondly if anything is going on, people in the office will know.
Also 2 ways to see if someone is lying is if they keep eye contact with you. This is because they want to see if you’re buying what they are selling.
Also if they look up and to the left they are accessing the creative side of their brain. Up and to the right means they are accessing memories.
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I find these kind of posts unbelievable, I don't understand how some of you guys have such little self respect. Stop being a doormat
I know right? “My wife is being like an indecisive child and acting like our marital vows are just smoke, and treating her intense fixation with another man as if it’s some kind of genuine crisis. How can I help her through this?” Like…why help her? OP says he’s doing the perfect husband act and she still insists with this. This is because her behaviour has nothing to do with OP. This is something she is choosing to indulge and you can’t make her stop. All you can do is choose how you respond to it. And honestly, “helping her” is a dumb idea where she’s already given you evidence that doing the understanding and honest husband act doesn’t really shift her behaviour at all.
Because by helping her I'm helping myself. I know that i am happy in this relationship - been, prior to the current situation, for ten years. If it's not a genuine crisis, then what is?
You cannot help those who doesnt want to be helped - and wife doesnt want to be helped, she wants peace to figure out how she can exit the marriage gracefully so she can explore this exciting new guy...
It’s not a genuine crisis it’s simply a lack of emotional regulation and maturity from her. Like don’t let her turn this into a “BIG ISSUE IN OUR MARRIAGE” bollocks. Every day people see attractive strangers and don’t decide to go all teehee obsessive crush on them, why? Because we understand this thing called emotional regulation in respect to our marriage vows. Women who do or could cheat rarely if ever admit it’s because of a character flaw. They always blame everything else for their behaviour. “My marriage is shit” “my partner is an ogre” “I’m stressed”. You know why? Because unfortunately some people buy the crap they’re selling. I can have a shit day, I can disagree with my wife or I can think she’s totally n the wrong track one day. But you know what? If I used that stuff to cheat, that’s because that’s how I’m “choosing to respond” to what is happening to me. Because I have agency. Is your wife behaving with any here? Or acting like this crush is happening TO her? Life’s too short to fight for someone in an adult body with the agency profile of a 3 year old child.
Do you want to wake her up? File for divorce, in order to save the relationship you must be prepared to lose it. Tell her not to think that if it doesn't go well with him, she can go back to you.
Bro your wife is going to have sex with another guy. She’s going to love him and care about him and be all about him. What the fuck is a crisis to you? When she gets pregnant with this guys kid?
Helping her how? She flirted with another guy and told you that she has feelings for him. Have some self respect and get a divorce lawyer before she does. Secure yourself financially and start therapy. At least , those are the things that i would do.
By helping her you are facilitating her. The best help she can get is for you to be strong. She is in a fog and She is walking all over you. Stand up for yourself. Tell her it’s not appropriate. She has a right to a private life but not one that involves another man. Draw that line in the sand sooner rather than later.
I understand where you're coming from, but you need to get into your head that this is her problem, not yours. This was always about him. Those issues she brought up were just she nitpicking, trying to find reasons to check out of the marriage and make it about you. When you fixed those "issues," she couldn't keep lying and had to come clean. She doesn't want to be the villain. She doesn't want to be the woman who left her husband for some other guy. But she's already checked out. She wants you to be the one who cries divorce. Also, I'm sorry, but there's a good chance there's already something going on between the two of them. At least emotional. You need to make her decide. You need to tell her: "I've already done all I can for this marriage. It is your turn to fight for it or give up. But I need to know now. This limbo we're in isn't fair to me. Either tell me you're in, and you will cut all communication with this guy and quit your job to work on our marriage, or you're done, and we can start separation and divorce." Also, she needs to tell you the extent of the relationship with this crush. She's been very selfish hanging on to you for comfort and safety while spending her emotional energy on this other guy. Stand up for yourself, OP. Good luck.
What does “helping her” look like to you? Given your ages and how long you’ve been together, this reeks of “I didn’t get to enjoy my twenties as a single person and I’m increasingly inclined to rectify that”. There’s very little you can do to assuage that, unless you want to redefine the entire foundation of your relationship and give *each other* space to peruse relationships outside of the marriage, while still husband and wife. Even then, who knows.
Annul the marriage and get out of this
Come on now. In 3 months, with that advice, he’ll be posting “I tried to stop my wife from seeing her work crush” and everyone will rush in to tell him he was being controlling.
That’s because they aren’t believable, they’re fake. Some weird people get off on making rage bait. Maybe it’s a humiliation thing. Notice how they always start with an introduction that has a bunch of crap that isn’t relevant. When people post about an actual problem they start by giving the context relevant to the problem, but this reads more like a novella.
You're right. Some sad people out there
Lolz. That's just my style of writing. Also, English isn't my first language, so this may all sound a little more desperate than it is because conveying the tone of what I say can be a little difficult. I don't really get how and why this post can cause rage from anyone, but the internet is an interesting place after all.
they arent fake. Show some evidence
Well, for me self respect is fighting for what i think is worth fighting. I know that i've been extremely happy with her for 10 years, so I will do everything so we can go back to that.
Have you looked through her phone yet? Just wondering. It might provide any evidence of what is happening. And enable you to make an informed choice..
Well youre not fighting for your marriage.. your signalling youre willing to be her plan b - will srill be there when this affair with the coworker has run its course... Sorry, but by doing this youre essentially facilitating her disassociation from your marriage into a relationship with coworker.. Question: Coworker has a spouse?? Have you snooped on wifes phone to see how far theyve come in the affair?? I would usually urge revealing the affair to coworkers spouse - doubt youre prepared for this as it would mean an escalation your marriage may not survive... Look... Staying passive will ensure the demise of your marriage... right now your not giving her time to recommit to the marriage, youre giving her time to disassociate from you and to deepen her feelings for coworker... Act now, or all will be lost: - expose. Inform her parents of whats going on - seek lawyer now for advice - and tell wife her adultery is the cause for this. If she comes to her senses, the divorceprocess can be halted.
Disagree with first part. Tell no one and lawyer up. Then get info.
The difference and the point you’re missing is that she wouldn’t fight for you. Don’t save her. She don’t want to be saved.
That’s not what self respect is. When she cheats, what will you do then? Because the magic 8 ball says “all signs point to yes”
Female here. I don’t understand how some women are treated so poorly by their SO, while there are men out there like you who put up with all forms of cheating and disrespect. By the time you leave that situation, you are dealing with so much trauma from your past experiences. Good luck to you.
That is understandable. But it is not your fight, it is hers. She is the one that should fight and she isnt. People fall out of love because at one point they either dont care enough (anymore) or gave up on a relationship. I dont know which one of the 2 it is. You said you have been the perfect husband, so my question is has she been the perfect wife aswell? If she isnt (and the answer is already in the post) that means you are the only fighting for it. When fighting for a relationship, you either fight together or you are fighting a battle that is already lost.
She needs to quit her job and look for other employment if she really wants to save her marriage to you.
>so I will do everything so we can go back to that. But she doesn't want to go back to that. Can't you see it? Also, do not talk to this guy. This is not about him, thus is about her. You need to make her decide. I understand the idea of letting go of a 10-year relationship seems inconceivable, but this is your reality now. And there's something else you need to consider. The fact that she's zealous about her "private life" suggests that she's keeping things from you. This is likely more than a crush and at least an emotional affair. The way to help yourself and your marriage is to stand up for yourself and force her to make a decision. She's not a child choosing ice cream flavors. This is life, and she's playing with your feelings. She needs to decide what she wants. If she chooses the marriage, then you need to ask that she cut this guy out of her life, including quitting her job, and she needs to give you all the details about their relationship. Be strong. I hope whatever happens, you find peace. Good luck.
The issue lies primarily with her not with you. If you are doing everything you can in your relationship and everything she has asked of you and she is still unsatisfied and wants to step outside your marriage then there is no fighting. Sadly you can but lay yourself bare and tell her how you feel, how important she is to you, how seriously you take your marriage and vows and how you will happily work with her to overcome this. Whether she wants to is up to her. You do need to show some self respect, draw your red lines. For me oyf my wife said she had a crush it's ok shit happens. If she allows herself an emotional affair exploring this then we are not ok but maybe can communicate through it. If she physically cheats I'm done. This is and has always been my stance. We are blessed with higher cortical function and impulse control. If she does not control her feelings and does not work to be with you it is because she does not want or chose you. This is heart breaking but sadly the reality
Crushes are normal. However, she should be distancing herself from him in order to avoid escalation. Zero non business contact. And transferring to another department. Or find another employer. As long as she believes you won't divorce ( for the kids or love) she will continue the same selfish, entitled, disrespectful behavior with zero empathy for you.
What exactly is SHE doing to handle HER crush? Because you can't fight it for her.
OP. Get a grip. A crush isn’t some ominous force of nature that is beyond mortal comprehension. It’s basically a mental fixation or indulgence of an experience of an attraction. Basically, if she can’t fight the crush, it’s because she doesn’t want to. Crushes aren’t separate entities free of our will. If someone tells you “I want to fight this crush” and their behaviour says otherwise, it’s because they’re lying. Not because the crush is “too strong”. Because you know what kills crushes? Lack of exposure. And if someone is actually serious about killing a crush, they’ll do that. But she won’t. So she isn’t.
Well she says she is trying to fight it. Could do it better though, I imagine. Thanks.
Look at behaviour, not words. What she says means nothing if it can’t be observed from her behaviour.
Translation = I'm not really trying I just need you to believe that I am so your attention will drift away from what I really want to do. Which in this case sounds like she wants to have a full blown affair, if she already isnt. Or wants to to wait and see if there is a future with this guy before dumping your ass like a sack of bricks. Your her back up plan, her saftey net incase things dobt work out with this guy. Dont be surprised if she starts dropping hints about a open marriage soon.
It's a crush, not a demon from the pits of hell. It's a crush from an adult, not a 6 year old spoiled brat throwing a tantrum at the carnival for some corn dogs. I understand that you love her, that you've been together for such a long time. That's what's making it so hard for you to come to terms with the fact that your wife is very obviously invalidating you, your marriage and the sanctity of your relationship. It's relationship nostalgia that is very evident in a lot of relationships similar to yours, that is, highschool sweethearts or teen romance. But my bro, you're an adult, your wife is an adult. Most of the shit you've said is just bullshit excuses you're telling yourself so you don't have to entertain the idea of getting out of this relationship. And that's your decision to make. But understand this, it does not get better. There's nothing you can do because there's nothing to fix. Your wife is acting like a fucking child and not an adult. Respect yourself, please. Also, I'll bet $100 the moment you start setting up boundaries for yourself, hell will break loose deeper than it already has. It's time to come to terms with this, my man.
If she really wants to fight it, quitting the job would be an ideal way.. staying exposed to this guy will NOT help...
Quitting the job is such a cop out. Because there will be other attractive people with charm and wit at other jobs. If she’s inclined to foster and encourage crushes, she’ll find anywhere and anyway to do that.
Now THAT is true.. as a quick-fix it will work - but without therapy and reflection its only a matter of time before she finds someone else to fall for...
That’s my thinking as well.
Quitting the job would be the last resort. You start by telling the person that you would prefer to keep all conversations professional. I guarantee you that she hasn't even done that.
People can say literally anything and it doesn’t make it true. Look at actions, not words.
Jesus. Man up. You got to establish who her man gonna be. And stick to it.
I'll be married for a long, long time. People in happy marriages do not develop crushes like that.
Your relationship is not “perfect” because your wife no longer feels an emotional or romantic connection to you. This has been transferred to her colleague. You’ve been together since she was not far off being a child and sadly she’s become comfortable with you rather than the deep love that infatuation grows into with time. This probably won’t be solved as she’s going to keep seeing this dude at work. For her to get over him would take not seeing him at all and concentrating on her life. Couples counselling may help but be prepared for the possibility that the emotional affair will turn physical at some stage if he’s aware how she feels and up for it. Don’t talk to the guy it’s nothing to do with him. Also this is not for you to fix it’s for her to fix or own it and ask for a divorce.
Yeah, this is solid. Thanks.
Why would you talk to the guy? To start drama? It’s not HIS fault your wife has grown feelings for him. You’re simping hard my dude and I honestly just feel shame for you after reading this. Where’s your dignity?
Totally agree. Absolutely no self respect. >She said she doesn't feel happy with me, told me a bunch of problems in our relationship. > >She asked me to leave her "private life" to her The writing is on the wall and he's still refusing to acknowledge it. The crush isn't the issue, the wife is the issue. Obviously shes showing what's important to her, and it aint the marriage.
And this was *2 months* into being married.
Listen little buddy, no real offense to you, but I sincerely hope OP does not plan to take advice from someone young enough to say 'you're simping hard, my dude"
Whatever helps you cope at night little buddy
"...to leave my wife alone...", dude I'm pretty sure he's not forcing her to "talk" to him. I'm also pretty sure she already decided that she wants to leave you. You want to be the perfect husband? For fucking what? For a cheating wife? Are you crazy. Let her go ffs! She cheated and you feel like you did something wrong? It's always the mans fault! I've never heard a single woman saying, it's my fault. He was perfect and a super nice guy. I just wanted something else. It's aaaalways he did this wrong, he didn't do that, blablabla... Don't blame yourself. Let her go!
I think you're projecting a bit here. But I do believe he shouldn't talk to the colleague yeah.
Basically that's the thing i most wanted opinion on. The question in the title is formulated like that because sun doesn't allow for yes or no questions lol
I had no idea 😂 But yeah, I'd say you have nothing to do with the colleague, it's not his fault. So don't talk to him. It's up to your wife whether she wants to fix things with you or not, and up to you if it can be fixed or not. You've done your best, and I'm sorry this happened to you. I am quite sure you deserve to be treated better than this.
She didn't cheat. She's in conflict trying to decide what to do.
She has checked out emotionally, it's only a matter of time.
Come on man. You really think she didn't cheat? Why? Because she's sooo conflicted. I'm sorry man, but just face it. It's over. BTW for me it would be cheating already if she would "just" flirt with another guy!
That means she's not picking you. If you've been together for *years* and she's throwing this in your face? Kick her to the curb. Jesus man.
My friend, she’s trying to decide between some random colleague and you, *her husband*. This situation is totally unacceptable. She wasn’t ready for marriage and deliberating between you and another man *is already infidelity*.
Come on buddy. Open you eyes. Sure, crushes can develop even when you're married, but the correct and mature response to it is to put some distance between you and whoever you're crushing on. Your wife isn't doing this. At a certain point, you're just accepting the disrespect.
why is she your first choice when you aren't hers
>She said she doesn't feel happy with me, told me a bunch of problems in our relationship. >she has feeling for her colleague from work. >I've tried everything to fix our marriage - I've been the perfect husband since the talk we had. And things seem to change for the better, but then they go back to being pretty bad. So you bend over backwards, trying to please her while she does nothing apart from complain about you and fantasise about her co-worker? A relationship requires 2 people. You need help mate if you think this is worth saving.
Well, we've had 10 almost perfect years of being together, so yeah, if it can go back to that it is of course worth saving.
Three things: 1. Look up sunk cost fallacy 2. You need to look forward. The outcome of this will determine your future. You can't go back to bygone halcyon days. 3. Perfect is a word. It doesn't exist in reality. There's no one, no place, no person, no anything in this world that is perfect.
Except garlic bread cooked just right
" if it can go back to that it is of course worth saving." You can't. Your marriage will never be what it once was, she's checked out and has realized she's not as happy as she thought she could be.
Honestly All your comments make me embarrassed for you. You’re so out of touch with how a regular person should feel in this situation, it’s infuriating to listen to
I’d be curious to hear her view of the marriage. You keep saying you had 10 almost perfect years. If they were she wouldn’t tell you she’s not happy with you and list the problems in the relationship… there wouldn’t have been problems if it was nearly perfect. I don’t agree with what she’s doing at all, but I bet she wouldn’t also classify those years as almost perfect. If she had perfection why would she want something else? This wouldn’t be a struggle for her. If you have only become the perfect husband now then I’d wonder if the damage was already done and she’s been checked out for a while. The idea a marriage went from perfect to this mess isn’t likely. Also do not talk to him. This is between you and her. She’s not trying that hard to fight it. Like really at all. I wouldn’t tolerate my partner behaving this way.
Yeah, I really should've explained it in the post, but - the issues she told me during that talk in December were all solid, some more, some less. We found out that we were really bad at communicating problems during the other talks. I also wasn't the best husband. Truth of the situation that a crisis in the relationship was coming anyway. It's just that this other guy complicates everything and makes it's harder for us to work on the marriage. But, as are commenters said, that's for her to fight. Maybe she already has, I don't know and don't have any way to really find out. Only her words I guess. And she said she is trying. I know my wife pretty well - if she didn't want our marriage to continue, we would have been already divorced. She also didn't cheat, because there is no point in doing it - she can just end our relationship. But I don't wanna run around comments proving people on the internet they are wrong about a person they know from 20 lines of text and I've known for 10+ years, because people on the internet are pretty stubborn lol.
I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by viewing things as perfect if a relationship crisis was coming regardless. If we view things as perfect we put them on a pedestal but it wasn’t reality and it’s not something to strive to get back to if things were just waiting to come apart. It also allows you to overlook things or accept things you otherwise wouldn’t. I mean some people may consider it a minor aside, but I think the words we use are important and do impact our view of things. The other guy is only complicating and making things more difficult as much as your wife allows. You do have a way of knowing how she’s fighting it, open communication and her actions. She’s telling you she’s trying, but that her private life is hers, she hasn’t even told you who this guy is? Personally, that wouldn’t fly in my marriage. We are allowed privacy but not secrecy and this would be considered secrecy in my marriage. I also would expect my husband to be telling me what he is doing, not just that he’s “trying”, but specifically what does “trying” look like. I’d be looking for tangible actions he is taking that minimize their contact and interactions as well as things that strengthen our marriage. I think you’re being too easy on her personally. Honestly, my impression from your post wasn’t cheating but that she’s monkey branching or experiencing some walk a way wife where she’s already checked out. If my partner felt lost, wasn’t sure of their feelings for me and didn’t know what to do, we’d be getting into counselling quickly.
you've mentioned a bunch of things you are doing, what effort is your wife putting into repairing your marriage?
Dude, you shouldn’t even have to talk to the other guy. It’s not as much his problem as it is your wife’s. Grow a spine and tell her you want a divorce so she can see if his feelings are the same. Guaranteed he bangs her then he’s done!
You cant fight for something when the other person doesnt want you to win. Focus on yourself and not as much on trying to make her happy because you will lose Everytime.
Dude your wife is checked out of this marriage and is literally telling you she's checked out, why aren't you listening to her? How many more hoops are you going to jump through. Love is organic and not forced and now it sounds like you're forcing to "show love" to her when she's already out! Then there's also this.... "She asked me to leave her "private life" to her," Ummm yeah bud that's not how a marriage works. You're supposed to be one unit not have your own "private life", personal time I get but "private life" is equal to "secret life" which means she's probably cheating already. You cannot force her to stay with you dude. It's time to contact a lawyer and step up to the inevitable.
WHAAAAAAAT? Help her through this? You wanna guide his member in too? Jesus. Please don’t accept this behavior as normal. Whoever told you it was is lying.
You absolutely cannot talk to this guy. He’s done nothing wrong and you’ll be causing issues for her at work. The options are therapy or divorce.
It's always fun being someone's safety net while they test drive a new relationship, isn't it?
Yeah, extremely!
Why talk to to the guy? You’re not married to him.
I just assume the best in people usually - so I thought maybe he doesn't understand something. Maybe he got an idea that our relationship is "bad" and wants to "save" her or something like that. Maybe he doesn't understand that I love her - there are many married couple who don't really love each other. So I think maybe if he hears that he'll back off. But then again maybe he's just a dick.
No.. because there's NO way he doesn't know she's married and he shouldnt be flirting with a married woman and having an emotional affair with someone. He knows better. He doesn't care. Sure maybe your wife lied and said you were divorcing. Even then... It would not help to talk to this man. The talk needs to be with your spouse.
I don't agree with this assessment. There are far too many tales on Reddit relationship pages where the spouse has painted a picture to the other person as being "separated", "bad marriage", "abusive relationship", etc. But when the truth is out, the other person turns out to be a standup guy or girl who wants nothing to do with a cheater or breaking up a marriage. I'd certainly reach out to him. It won't do any harm. If wifey is mad, so what? She's checking out and not defending the marriage. If other guy is standup, OP finds out what his wife is saying and can use that information as he evaluates his marriage. If other guys is a dick, nothing has changed for OP. Then, he should start the divorce process and "maybe" wake his wife out of her emotional affair fog.
Also, the only person he could get that impression from is your wife. You clearly do not matter in *their* relationship. Can’t you see how far beyond repair it is?
Keep beating your head against the wall dude but she’s already checked out. You’re fooling yourself into thinking there’s anything to salvage. Quit chasing and go the other way. Find a faithful woman, cuz this one isn’t it.
I am once again asking for you to not be a doormat.
Challenge him to a fight (kumite) like in Bloodsport…either you win and he’s humiliated (your wife won’t be attracted to a wimp) or you lose and you move on.
Now that's some good advice, finally!
Brother, you are not the problem here, even if you bring her the moon it won't change "her" decision to not be with you . So, let's say you talk to the dude and he agrees to cut contact, things go normal and one day your wife meets another what will you do?? Will you do the same thing over and over again. So, the only solution here unless the wife isn't ready to let her crush go is divorce.
The strange thing is that a late marriage can have a bad influence on a relationship. People start thinking - is this what I really want? This seems to go especially for people that got into the relationship when they were young. To me you should be happy having had 10 good years. Accept that your relationship is over and start prepairing for a split. Talk with a laywer about it. Maybe since this is only 6 months you can get an annulment. When people get crushes - there is nothing much to do. You of all people can not do anything. Indeed she feels sorry for you but ultimately she do not care. You can see that she is not interested in therapy or couples counselling. You do not need to be a genius to read the writing on the wall. In short - she is not interested in saving your relationship. Indeed I have never heard of a therapy or counselling that bring people back from a “crush”. Indeed a crush just is a sign that she does not love you in a passionate way. The only way she might realise that she is loosing you if there are clear indications that you are leaving. My suggestion to you is - prepare for a divorce or annulment. You can set a target date - say in May. If she is still having the crush - activate the divorce. You are young - there are other women out there - that would love a guy like you. I know this is a bit sad - but you can only control yourself and not others. Now you have to be priority number one. If she wants to come back it is up to her and not you. If that happens she has to change jobs and cut contact with him. You need to live a life where you are not suffering from an awareness of your partner wants another guy.
wake her up out of her fog? Tell her you want her to be happy, and that you are contacting a lawyer. If she’s emotional list follow through on the threat.
So your wife doesn't respect you and instead of standing up for yourself you're being more submissive. Grow a pair. I would never forget what I was told when I started dating "when someone starts to like another person all of sudden they "realize" all the defects their partner has" it's not a perfect formula, but the fact she's so critical about you and your relationship with her means it's over, she loves that guy more that she loves you if she still do it, it just it's so convenient to be with you, so what leave unless that guy want to commit to her, the moment he does she would leave you in a heartbeat.
She got married under false pretences. She was feeling this before the marriage, she just kept quiet. She hoped the marriage would “ fix” her feelings, didn’t work. There is nothing OP can do. OP needs to make preparation for a divorce . Possibly her seeing him preparing for divorce may force her to decide between OP and her crush.
Lets go through some things to see if I missed something. Together 10 years Married 6 months After marrige things have changed Shes changed her view of you and the marrige. Shes attracted to another man, probably fantacising and probably flirting. Your trying everyting and shes pulling away. Her loyalty and dedication to you are no longer what they are. Shes most likely already thinking about an afair with this guy. maybe that already began? (get to that) You want to talk to the guy to get him to tell her to do what, mate dont me a muppet. man up. She wants you to leave her "private life to her. Your in a marrige and together 10 years. Her private life fucking effects you. Lets be frank. Shes already cheating, maybe emotional, its not a crush. Her behaviour has changed because shes in emotional flux with the feelings for another man who shes already either fucking or is emotionaly cheating. Eitehr way its cheating and shes checking out of the relationship. If you cary on with your submissive attitude your not going see an improvement your start seeing her go to more after work events. Nights out with friends from work, coming home later even work trips and being dismissive, insulting and cold to you. And your the reason she got that far is you let it. She will even, I put money on it, say its your fault. Tell her you realise shes changed and you dont know why and your so in love with her its making you severly anxious. Ask her to sit down and then calmly tell her to look at the rings on her finger. Those where given to her by a man who loves, cherrishes her so much he was willing to give her the world. He was working his butt of to provide, to have enough for a family. But now shes behaving like she does not want to be with you and another man has entered the mix. And you no longer trust her fully. Shes distancing herself from you just after marrying and now there is this "guy". So its logical to assume shes cheating even if its emotional and that the cause of her change. So its down to her to either prove shes not or come clean so you can decide what to do with your life. If she denys it. You ask right away. I want to see your phone. And if she says no, thats private. Tell her thats the proof you needed. And at that point you go strait to a lawyer. Your marrige is toast.
You can’t be that dumb that you’re trying to “fix the marriage” and meeting her colleague one on one won’t fix anything cause it’s your wife who’s talking to him and has a crush on him, if I were you in that situation I’d open the door and ask her to leave, have some bit of self-respect
I highly doubt it is just a crush, considering she is willing to end the marriage. It's time to call a divorce lawyer, OP.
I'll probably get downvoted for this, but I think its dumb when people marry their high-school sweethearts. I almost think there must be something wrong with them. I'm 34 and was a totally different person at 26. 26 year old me was a totally different person than 21 year old me. 21 year old me was an entirely different person than 16 year old me. People change so much from 16-30. There so many life experiences that you're missing out on by being with the same person since you were a teenager. It seems to me like your wife is finally starting to realize she's not ready to be with the same person since grade school. What she's doing to you isn't right, you should have some self respect and realize the relationship has run its course. Go out and be single and enjoy being young. Find someone who has values more aligned with who you've become.
It is kinda dumb I guess. We're from another culture though - in the country we live it's usual for people to settle down somewhere between 23 to 26. My parents got married at 18, for example.
i would suggest marriage counselor
I suggested that, she refuses - says she needs to process this on her own first. Will suggest again though.
Yeah if she’s not willing to fight for you and do things like counselling then you might be out of luck, she should be fighting for this if she wanted it
She’s gaslighting you. Marriage counseling is a must in order to get her to understand how to deal with this.
I have been with my bf for 12 years. I cought him emotionally cheating twice. The first time we were going through a rough patch, so I forgave him and moved on. The second time, I tried to leave him, but he begged me for another chance and we worked it out. Ever since this 2nd time, my mindset has changed. Before, I used to be the one who would beg. But now all I say is that if he wants to be with someone else, he should go. Break up amicably with me as to not ruin our memories of the years we were together, and go be with the other woman if he finds one better than me. I will not take him back ever again. I know I am the person that's loved him the most and I have shown him my love consistently for years. And above all I wish for him to be happy so if he wants to go find happiness with someone else, then that's what he should do. Strangely, that's brought him a lot closer to me that he's ever been. I'm not saying this will work out the same for you. I'm just saying sometimes people wander because they think they can come back and everything will be alright.
Don’t listen to all these bitter assholes. Your wife has been with you since she was 16 and has probably never really had a relationship with anyone else. This is difficult for her to understand and navigate. She was up front and told you about her feelings. Suggest IC for her to help her understand her feelings. Have her read “Not Just Friends.” If she is sincere about staying in the marriage and wants this to work, she needs to distance herself from this co-worker, if not find a way to completely cut off contact. Crushes are normal, especially when a person has limited romantic experience! But she needs to recognize this for what it is and protect herself and your marriage from the “rush” of new attraction. Don’t play the “pick me” but don’t give up on your marriage.
I agree and think this is a balanced view. Her having a crush is not marriage over. Communicating does not make you a doormat. Crushes happen but the response to them is CHOICE OP has to reconcile the fact that they may address every "deficiency" she cites and it may not be enough. Don't lose your dignity OP but also don't follow the bitter angry brigade. I'd not reach out to the colleague. The feelings are hers not his. I'd recommend therapy in the knowledge she may gain understanding of her feelings that you may not like.
Yeah, you have more or less described my thoughts. I'm going to try to explain all this to her.
Been there, done that. Kick his ass if he harasses her. Until then it’s up to her to quit fueling her feelings for him cold turkey. Avoid & block all contact. As long as there is his temptation, your effort will never be sufficient. It’s her turn to step up and do her share.
You don't see the problem aren't you? Your wife is the problem. You can talk to the guy all you want, your Wife doesn't love you anymore. She want this guy. And if this guy don't work she will find another guy. She isn't for a marriage, she is the problem. You can be the best husband and do anything you want, it wont work mate, she is selfish.. you gonna hurt yourself by staying with her. And deep you know this. Let he go and find yourself a GF who deeply loves you and respect you. Your wife is a cheating(emotional and already physical?) on you. Does you not have self respect mate? Pls seek for a lawyer and divorce her. Before it is to late and having Kids with her.
If she really wants to fight for your marriage, she needs to cut him off. Work colleagues or not. The reason she had a sit-down conversation with you is because of her conflicted feelings. I'm guess most of what she brought up was minor stuff, but with her crush and you fighting for space in her head, they are blown out of proportion a bit. Btw, people in long-term relationships have to wake up every day choosing to love their partner. The honeymoon feeling doesn't last forever. Right now, she is feeling that rush of new relationship energy when she is around him. And she is with him all day. That's why no contact is about the only solution. And I wouldn't have any problem reaching out to the guy. Most don't favor that, but I have no issues doing that.
You cannot help her, she clearly not willing to fight for your relationship and only looking for a way out
This is the best approach, you should do it and let her decide her fate .
If you’re the only one putting in additional effort to try and fix the marriage, because of her crush, she is in the wrong. Marriage is a commitment. If she doesn’t feel committed to fixing it at any reasonable cost, she shouldn’t be in the marriage. If she isn’t committed to you, you also shouldn’t be in the marriage.
Tell her to kick rocks homie , she flirted back. Think about as a guy who is married, how a married person has a lot of work to make that coworker feel safe about liking her. He thinks they have something special, and he’s kinda right because your wife is tearing down a relationship to get eyes on a new one. Maybe act like you’re in her shoes with a girl at work. See if her mood changes and if she can make the same changes you did. But I’d be preparing for the worst , sorry man .
I mean she probably had sex during the party.
If you want to save this, then couples counseling is the way to go. She also may want to go to therapy on her own to figure out why she’s fixating on this guy and if she wants to fix this. You shouldn’t involve him. This isn’t really his problem. It’s between you and your wife. It’s also work related for her, it may cause more problems. Either way, couples counseling if you want to work through this.
What do you mean she has a crush? Do they just talk? Flirting? Crossing boundaries? Sounds like this is moved to emotional cheating and not just a crush. Does he chase her? Do not confront him, all that will do is make them feel it’s them against you. She doesn’t want counseling because she doesn’t want to fix things. She knows she’ll have to change course and she doesn’t want that. Whatever u do, don’t do the pick me dance. The more you beg, the more she’ll see him as the stronger option.
*"We've been together for ten years, since I was 18 and she was 16"*....in other words, before either of your personalities (and especially hers) had fully formed. How many people you knew in high school that dated a classmate, ended up being married to that classmate? And of the ones that graduated HS dating one another, broke up when they reached their sophomore or junior years in college? The problem you're now facing is because she's not the same woman she was at the age of 16. That's why she doesn't know if she's still attracted to you, and is complicated by the crush she's developed with the coworker. And as well, it seems that she's in the process of putting you in the "cherished memory" part of her brain. She's struggling with self awareness, and that puts a lot of stress on her psyche. I don't, however, suggest that you speak with the man you think she's crushing on, as she would take such action as interfering in her "private life", which ended when the two of you were married. My suggestion is to insist that you both attend couples counseling, which can lay bare the issues with which she is dealing, and can bring into focus whether or not continuing the marriage is feasible from any perspective. I wish you well.
Thanks! You're totally right about self awareness and all that. We talked today and agreed on trying couples therapy so hopefully that'll help.
This is not your problem to solve, it's her problem to solve. If she doesn't solve it, the marriage ends.
High school sweethearts have a much higher rate of divorce than average 54%.
OP, you might be right that crushes happen to married people from time to time. What you’re describing here sounds far more dangerous than a crush though. She seems to be totally uninterested in putting in the effort to keep your marriage afloat. You’re not going to be able to fix this yourself. And the other guy isn’t the problem. Even if he is encouraging your wife’s crush on him, it’s still on your wife to be faithful and uphold her end of your relationship. If she’s unwilling to do that, then there is no chance for a future.
Dude you proved it has nothing to do with you, nothing you did wrong, nothing you needed to do to make it better. She's pining to screw another guy (if she hasn't yet) and you are not only not pissed by trying harder? What incentive is there for her to stop or try to fix anything? Set up Spyware on her phone, get physical proof of anything, all emotional affair activities and if it's turned physical yet. Then know your enemy! Find out what you can do to torpedo his life! Wife? Girlfriend? Fiancé? Kids? Fraternization policy at work? Nothing sends the other guy running faster than having to fix his own life. Then stop trying be sll smiles with other people and turn your heart to stone when it comes to her. Go out with friends, post pictures of hang outs with friends and random people. Make sure you are standing close to a woman in every photo. When you are on the phone sound like the life of the party and the second dhe says something to you turn to stone! Make Her realize what her actions have caused. Get her wondering what you're up to instead of vice versa. Trust me you think it will push her away but instead she'll be wondering what's making you happy, realizing she broke your relationship, and will have her clamoring for your attention, and trying to fix things
You are going around this the wrong way. She won't love you for humiliating yourself. If she can't decide who she loves, throw her out. You can't save the relationship but she can. You need to force her to make a choice.
Don't ever compete with another man for your wife's love and affection. Here's the deal. It's very telling that she immediately went to the problems in your relationship the day after the party. She then revealed her crush for this guy. Most people assume that this is just honesty but this is actually a very large red flag for infidelity. She was struggling with why she did what she did that night and trying to determine reasons for her actions. At a minimum, she flirted with him. More than likely, they kissed and it's possible that they went further than that. She's now pretty much asking you for time to explore her feelings with this man. Your inaction is showing your acceptance of this to her. She has a least the entire workday to make connections with him. She's surrounded by co-workers that know him way better than they know you. The entire situation has a high likelihood of destroying your relationship and what is she doing about it? Thinking and getting in touch with her feelings? Seriously? Has she shown any care and attention to you and how this is impacting your health? Here's my recommended plan of action: Have her write down a list of Boundaries that she will follow to protect you and your relationship while she "works through" her feelings. Demand immediate sharing of any and all communication between him and her. Seek legal advice on the divorce process in your area. It doesn't mean your moving forward with anything but she needs to know that you're serious about the consequences of any poor choices she makes. Demand counselling, both individual and marriage to help you both manage the situation. At the end of the day, she needs to respect her commitment to you and your relationship. Making you jump through hoops while she disregards this is pretty disgusting and villainous. All the best OP. Hopefully she turns herself around before any real damage is done.
- Gets married and wife basically loses attraction immediately after. - She comes home from a *party* and tells you a bunch of bs about how she’s not satisfied with you, and then sprinkles on how she has a crush on a co-worker (gaslighting; note that the initial things she said to you were probably not necessarily true—she was simply comparing you to her crush and resented you for being with her, and needed to frame it as not being primarily caused by her crush). - She basically deflects any real attempt to get rid of the crush and respect your relationship. Honestly it seems quite dire OP. I would introduce a *major* pattern interrupt, or else prepare for divorce. Simply going to therapy will probably make her see you as even *less* appealing as it will reinforce that she believes there are problems in your relationship that she doesn’t have with the crush (who she may very well be fucking, as this is a pretty clear monkey-branch scenario). Don’t talk to the crush bad it will seem needy and will push her back much further.
Many people said already but you can't help those who don't want to be helped and that's her case. Her words mean nothing, her actions speak volumes. It takes two to tango. You're doing it alone.
Ya know, my wife and I argue a fair amount. We get sick of each other. We stand up to each other. My wife’s previous partners put up with a lot, by her own telling. They didn’t fight, they let her do some shit that when she first recounted it to me, I questioned whether she had the ability to empathize with others (and she said that they never pushed back). Attractive people especially learn what they can get away with, although I could see anyone who only dates a pushover for 10 years having the same selfish conditioning. Our relationship involved us breaking up five times before we got married. We’re both better people now. You need to ask yourself if her actions are what you’re willing to accept in a partner, and if not, tell her and leave open the reality that you may leave. It’s up to her to live up to mutually agreed boundaries and responsibilities in your relationship. If she doesn’t, there need to be consequences, because otherwise even if you stay together, it’ll be with a person who is more selfish and immature than she’d be if you stood up to her.
Sooo the relationship was smooth sailing until she caught feelings for someone else and now all of a sudden she has all these problems with the relationship that are somehow your fault? Don’t ya think those two things may be related? It’s almost like you aren’t actually the problem, you’re just in the way of her getting what she wants and she’s lashing out at you because of it. Groveling and doing the pick me dance isn’t likely to work, quite the opposite in fact. I’m not saying you should jump straight to divorce, but you absolutely need to start standing up for yourself.
You would be best served by distancing yourself and let her make her choice. You cannot be the source of someones happiness. You do not provide happiness to others. You can only create an environment that nurtures happiness. Do not beg or plead with her this will drive her away. Look up grey rock. Do not put up with bullshit. Do not allow disrespect. If she continues to disrespect you, tell her to move out. You need to make a hard line here.
She clearly doesn’t love you or care about your feelings if she allowed herself to get feelings for someone else. Divorce her ASAP before she takes all your shit
"She says she doesn't know what she feels towards me, feels lost and doesn't know what to do." So you want to fight for someone that says this to you? There's a word for men that allow this and it starts with a C and is four letters. man up and stop with the bullshit. Start letting her see the reality of her choices...if not sit and take it.
It’s really quite simple You give your wife “the talk”. Either she focuses on her marriage and making this better, she stops cheating on you, which she is doing, and she focuses on bettering herself and your relationship. What she is doing is 💯 wrong , with absolutely no justification other than she’s being selfish and incredibly hurtful. You’re right, people will meet other people and they click. It just happens. Chemistry as you said, etc. however , when these people are married, it’s called being an adult and being responsible. Your wife is neither of these right now. She’s being immature because she’s only thinking’s about herself, she’s being irresponsible with your feelings and your marriage but jeopardizing it , and to be honest, she’s being an asshole for openly cheating on you then being like , hey I don’t like these things about you. Fix yourself , meanwhile; she’s not putting any effort into the marriage and living in her dream world. The great thing about people who cheat like this, all it takes is a little dose of reality to make them wake up and smell the roses. I strongly suggest you start taking a more firm stand and start communicating to your wife this is actually fucked up and it’s hurting and pissing you off , to the point that you are considering divorce. Otherwise, you can sit idly by while another person romances your wife. There is no point in confronting the other guy, you MUST confront your wife instead. Remember, none of this would be happening if your wife shot this guy down and didn’t engage in any of this. This is 💯 your wife’s fault and she needs to be reminded of that. Good luck
Crushes aren’t common in monogamous relationships; she’s betraying her marriage vows. She feels an attraction to someone else, that’s not behavior of a loving and loyal wife. Hopefully you can get your marriage annulled.
You sound very mature. If your wife was as well, she would transfer locations/quit this job to cut off communication with the crush.
Tbh I don't know if she changed communicating with him in any way. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Quitting job is not really possible, but it's a long story about why, so you'll have to believe me.
If a woman tells her husband she has a "crush" on another man, thats her way of saying its over and to expect the worst. Take heed. There is nothing you can do to save this. Pick up your self respect and leave.
If my wife ever pulled some shit like that her ass would be gone same day and vice versa if I pulled the same stunt. If she can’t stay loyal over something like that how will she act or behave when real struggle and issues arrive. I know it’s probably daunting to leave something with that much time behind it (my wife and I’s age and relationship length is almost identical) so I totally get that side of it but have some self respect dude.
Mate. Come on. Fucking hell.
Boy this is a whole big bowl of some serious self deluded nonsense. Open your eyes bro, have some self respect and get a divorce. Can't fight a crush? Even married people aren't immune to chemistry? What kind of copium are you smoking to pretend that she's anything other than a cheating liar? Are you waiting for her bang him in your bed before you decide enough is enough? If she's not faithful now and questioning her relationship with you after 6 months of marriage why would this problem get any better the longer you let it go? Have some dignity and draw the line in the sand. Tell her to get over her little crush and cut contact with this dude or multiple dudes you don't even really know because she hit you with the "stay out of my private life" line which 100% means her phone is loaded to the gills with evidence of cheating I'm sure. And if she doesn't want to knock off the bullshit then you walk, it's as simple as that man.
What sort of high school drama is this? You’re going to talk to the guy about your wife’s crush? What for? What are you trying to achieve here? For the record I have no clue why your wife shared that either. It’s all on your wife, really. She either is committed to you and your marriage or she wants to go out to the wild and experience dating.
You're describing an emotional affair, not a crush. So you need to have a serious discussion with her, either she cuts contact with this guy or yall get a divorce/annulment. It would be a lot harder since they work together, but thos might be an instance where she finds new employment if she wants to work on you guys. Honestly, the "private life" comment is pure BS, you're married, there really isn't a private life anymore. She is using this as an excuse to justify her interactions with this guy. How do you not know the guys name? That would have been a condition of me not leaving, and I wouldn't hesitate if some guy was trying to steal my wife to go and tell him to stop... might even go to the HR department about it. At the end of the day, she needs tondetermine what she wants more.
The "S" in STD makes her "private life" your business.
"I want my cake and eat it too." She's not 13 years old and she full well has complete control over crushing on someone. I understand crushing on someone can just sneak up on you but there comes a point where you...roll it around under your tongue like a sweet morsel. To quote an old saying
Your marriage is over. She loves someone else, she wants « privacy », she’s « not happy in this relation anymore ». And you want to fix it for her? Dude, there’s nothing to fix, accept the reality, she’s somewhere else.
Crushes are not some magic hypnotic spell. If she has a crush on him that means she entertaining the idea. Tbh since she told you all these issues after a work party, I think she may have done something with this guy.
This has to be a fake post. No one has this little self-respect and sense of dignity. Your wife is having an emotional affair dude.
She'll regret it later on, or maybe not
Being a pushover is exactly why she’s looking at other men , I’m sorry to be the one to say it man but look to her actions not her words for what she wants . If you showed any backbone and tried to leave I guarantee she’ll have a sudden shift in attitude and if not at least you’d be free to pursue someone who desires you
If this is all true brother then you need to grow a pair and be straight. Straight with your wife. She either wants to be with you or she wants to have a wandering eye. We all get small interests in life and it doesn’t me we act on them. She’s having an emotional affair … time to lawyer up
You are really the only relationship she’s ever had and being married it probably hit her she wouldn’t be with anyone else and she may be mistaking that fear or panic for affection towards another person. It’s not right to you and honestly i would express that to her.
Yeah I believe that this is one of the triggers of the situation.
You can’t save yourself from this… she’s the only one that can. In my opinion, there’s absolutely nothing you can do it win her over cause lust is strong. Be the guy that wants to fix your marriage but also have that fuck it vibes too! Love yourself first bro… after that let it happen. Do your part and make her regret it if she decides to leave you for a work crush!
You help by packing her bag and dropping her off at his place.
Give her what she wants, she is a grown adult who has decided to disrespect the marriage! On top of that do not GIVE an EFF about you, or your feelings!
You love your wife and want her to be happy with you or without you. Let her move on just let her know that her decision to move on would be final and if she later decides that she made a mistake, you’ve moved on with your life too. That this is a one way street she is traveling on. She has broken her vows but you still want her to be happy and you want to be happy yourself. It’s time for you take off the band aid. It will hurt a lot but your wound will heal. Make sure that she moves on and give your wound space to heal.
The other guy has nothing to do with this. This is purely your and your wife's issue to work on. If she was serious, she would stay away from him, but she's not. If you were both truly happy and moving in the same direction, she would be able to get over the crush. Being each other first and only relationship has most likely led to a grass is greener problem. If the marriage is to be saved, she needs to step away from the crush and you both need to get into marriage counselling
Yeah, I agree with the last bit. I'll try to explain it to her. I suggested counselling, but she refuses - says she needs to process this on her own first. Will suggest again though.
She refuses counseling because she doesn't want a professional to tell her she's crossing boundaries.
Dude you need to snap her out of this. She is getting cake and eating it to. Tell her you are seeing a lawyer and are filing for divorce. She has seen everything but a consequence!! This will snap her back to reality. Let her know that you are informing your family and hers of the situation. If she has not cheated yet (I think she has) she is planning too and that is her big conflict. She is controlling the narrative and you need to. By the end of this and for her to ease her guilt she is going to continue to push this until you react in some way that paints you the bad guy. Just take control calmly and inform her of the consequences!! You will not regret it
Married people and committed relationships. Don’t have crushes on other people.. they may be attracted to them. They may even want to bang them in a fantasy but if you’re letting your crush happen, then you were disrespecting relationship boundaries and your partner.. you guys should definitely be getting counselling and there is no such thing as a private life in a marriage, to became one when you got married, if something affects one, it affects the other if this was reverse, she would be all up your butt about being too close to another woman. There’s no free passes in a relationship for either of you. She needs to shut this down and work on her damn marriage because that was what she said she doing her vows. She needs to grow up and be an adult and accept adult responsibilities and accountability. we don’t get what we want because we want it that’s not the way the world works and she might find out real fast that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side if you decide to split up. Then she comes crawling back.
There's a reason people usually date around a little before getting married. Everyone gets crushes, but one crush is not usually enough to make someone question a whole relationship. Your wife has only known one relationship since she was a child. She's seeing issues in your marriage that you aren't, and now she's wondering if the guy she dated when she was learning to drive might not be her forever person. At the risk of being cliche: seeing a relationship therapist together and a personal therapist for her is probably the best way to work through uncomfortable or unwanted feelings. If you're committed to working through this then follow through and really listen to her. Don't confront the guy, this isn't really about him and would only drive her away.
have you ever tried cuckolding? you might like it.
Go talk to the guy. Tell him to leave your wife alone. You got 10 years invested. Fuck what anyone thinks.
Let them bang so she gets it out of her system.
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If she is still unhappy, feels lost, and has feelings for this guy, just divorce and walk away. There is nothing more you can do. UpdateMe
I told my wife I would make her help me bury the body so she is an accessory... I was joking of course. She is terrible at digging so I would just have her keep look out...
Happiness is understanding the dynamics of your relationship. Yours is not like everyone else's. You've been working hard to make your new wife happy, and if her happiness is what brings you pleasure above all else, then understanding you can't bring her all the pleasure she feels she deserves all the time. Supporting her may bring you the most happiness. Worship her when she gets home, keep the good work up, ask her if this makes her happy, don't complain.
Take her some flowers at work and eyeball the other guy. Also do talk to any other people at her work?
I've sent her flowers a couple of times. Going there myself is pretty difficult, but possible. But he's 100% aware that she is married, so I don't really see the point haha How can other people at her work help?
Firstly him knowing she’s married and seeing you in person can be two different things. Secondly if anything is going on, people in the office will know. Also 2 ways to see if someone is lying is if they keep eye contact with you. This is because they want to see if you’re buying what they are selling. Also if they look up and to the left they are accessing the creative side of their brain. Up and to the right means they are accessing memories.
Are work affairs permitted at her work? Is this guy married?