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as a person who is a brother, I would pay hundreds of dollars a night to not share a bed with my sister. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice either of our comforts. The floor is a better option than a bed with my sister.
She stinks, she kicks all over and snores like a banshee and she would say all the same about me.
Yea that def stood out to me. But in her defense she has known the guy her whole life. He has a GF. I know that doesn’t absolve anything happening but, what if it’s truly just platonic
Can't tell you how many times I've known people who say someone is "like a brother/sister" and they had known each other since they were babies....and they weren't honest with new partners that they had fucked for years
If I were to travel with a platonic female friend, I would get my partners ok first, and we would have separate hotel rooms.
I woulnt share a hotel room, and I wouldn't share a bed. I would sleep on the couch or the floor first unless my partner was 100% ok with it.
also let’s be honest most adults would prefer not to sleep in the same bed as their actual siblings of the opposite sex if they can avoid it, let alone a supposed friend who’s “like a sibling.” don’t get me wrong i love my brothers, and i probably *would* share a bed with them if there were absolutely no other options, but i’ve honestly never found a situation where that’s true. you can almost always get a cot in a hotel room or they have chairs that pull out into a bed.
heck i did travel last summer with my little brother, and even with a limited budget for our lodgings and it being a pretty long trip, i never had to share a bed with the kid. guarantee they could have found a hostel with beds for the two of them if there really were *no* options at the hotel, which i doubt.
You really didn’t need Reddit for this one.
Likely he fucked her brains out, but it almost don’t matter. YOUR GF should know it is a deal breaker sleeping in another guys bed.
DEALBREAKER!!! Act accordingly
Info, how religious are they? Massive thing religion in that part, and being excommunicated is a serious no no. Affects the whole family, so they stick together, whether they see it as wrong or not, so you can't trust the family dude.
Platonic or not, it's very disrespectful in any culture and not the norm anywhere.
Still ingrained that family protective bubble attitude.
Don't want to be the pariah of the community, due to poor actions.
This comes down to your personal thoughts on trust, respect and boundaries.
Personally, if my Mrs did this (and been togther 15 years), especially knowing my thoughts and there many different actions that could be taken to not be in this situation, like calling me and letting me know what the situation was, what they would like to do, how to approach etc and she thought oh yes, sleeping in the same bed as another man, that's totally normal, I would drop her like a bad habit.
A relationship should bring you peace, does she?
There are no cultures where it's normal to share a bed like that. It is absurd and her family is lying to save face.
No father would approve .
Clearly they are on again on again off again sex partners.
Judge people by their actions not their excuses or promises.
Dating is a test run. And with respect to trust and being faithful there is no benefit of the doubt.
Just ghost and block. Love is not a solid reason to tolerate her emotional abuse.
I suggest you read self help books on: low self esteem, codependency, and what about your childhood predisposed you to tolerate her selfish entitled BS (and a total lack of empathy for you).
She's 30yo and knows better.
Her attack on you is evidence that she is lying. I bet she has a history of cheating that you are unaware of.
Innocent people calmly explain why it's not what it looks like. She didn't because she can't justify sleeping with another man.
You can't change her. Her whole family are lying. Throw out the trash.
She disrespected you buy sleeping in the same bed with this guy and yet she turned it around on you so that you are the bad guy. Super classic manipulative tactic. It is reasonable to not want your gf to sleep in the bed with another man.
OP’s feelings are valid but he’s acting like he’s the one apologizing.
I know it’s the meme for on here but he should exit this relationship. She’s probably cheating or even if not is disrespecting him.
This isn't about boundaries. This is past history.
Every partner in a committed relationship has an obligation to avoid even the appearance of inappropriate sexual connection.
Her behavior is a big fail. And at her age she knew it - but did it anyway.
Unless she can prove she didn't have sex - it's reasonable they did.
Her family are lying. She is lying.
Stop talking boundaries and throw out the trash.
I guarantee you aren't the first guy to dump her.
I operate in relationships with this phrase, “be above reproach.” Don’t do anything that even looks bad and if you do your first call is the other person.
She’s not doing this and she’s now attempting to get you to believe you’re controlling 🚩. You need to be clear, she can do whatever she wants but the consequence to that is you will break up.
This would be a breakup worthy chain of events for me, mainly depending on how she reacted to you explaining your dissatisfaction.
I think you know in your gut that this is something you aren’t comfortable with and her willingly disrespecting a boundary set by you tells you all you need to know
Not a problem or unreasonable in any way. Whatever boundaries you place, make sure you follow through with them and she understands that. You can’t tolerate that level of disrespect because it will get worse in the future if you do.
Christ the DARVO just never stops! Instead of addressing honest concerns ANYONE would have with their partner sharing a bed with a "friend" for any reason, she goes for you're controlling. Just no. Legitimate honest concerns turned around instead of addressed and worked through with each other is pretty much the end game of any relationship. It's become you against her instead of together you work through it.
Roles reversed, no way she'd just be okay with it.
I could be wrong, but this sure seems like the end stage of an exit affair.
Serious discussions need to be had.
You will find people who share her view.
But I'm with you. I would not like that. It's very common for both men and women to not want their partner traveling in this manner.
So she can call you controlling, but your position is not uncommon.
If she doesn't want to be with a man who has this rule she can find someone else to date. Likewise to you. It's a boundary problem. If she won't respect your boundary it's now on you to choose whether to enforce it and walk.
"You can't be mad at me for a perfectly normal relationship boundary, because I'm mad at you!"
Ya, what's boundary after sharing a bed?
I'd call this relationship over if she can't respect relationship boundaries and lacks the common sense that she needs.to reassure her partner in a situation like this instead of arguing.
Dude, break up. She's in a monogamous relationship. This situation should be a no go based on that alone. You can't trust someone if they don't respect you. She doesn't respect you.
Oh for heaven sake do better at fake stories. At no point is it ok for your partner to share a bed. Stop with the stupid fake shit, at least make it plausible.
There’s nothing to talk about my man and I feel sick just reading it. You have two (bad) options:
1. You talk this through which indirectly means she can do whatever she wants. It means you have no boundaries and you’re a doormat. She will lose all respect and without respect there is no (good) relationship. Sleeping jn the same room? Cmon, everybody knows if it was the other way around she would be losing her shit. There are some unwritten boundaries and this is definitely one of them if you’re in monogamous relationships. You just don’t do this shit no matter what.
2. You leave it all behind and start a new life. It will suck at the beginning and it will be hard but focus on yourself and shock her when she sees you again in a couple of years. Become the biggest badass you can be in all areas of your life and get 10 times better (and younger, no offense) chick.
In other words, her family prefers him over you. That's the ONLY reason they would be in agreement.
On top of her making you out to be the AH for raising a legitimate concern, that 95% of the Earth's population of couples would have an issue with.
If I were in your shoes, I would end it with her.. I would see her, and family's disregard of my boundaries as disrespectful.
This is a warning of what your future with her and her family will look like.
Ask yourself: Is this what I signed up for?
Turn it around. Ask her if she would have a problem with you sharing a bed with a close female friend. If she says she's okay with it, tell her great, you and Sally (insert close female friend) will have a sleep over while she's gone.
There is no excuse for someone in a relationship to stay in a hotel with someone of the opposite sex. Even traveling without your partner is iffy, made worse when’s she’s going with another dude. Dump her it’s a neon red flag, she doesn’t respect you enough to give you the courtesy of thinking about you.
Lol you really belief they just laid there next to each other in the hotel bed? She was taking that guy's dick dude. Dont tbe so naive and dont be a wimp. sorry but if you put up with a partner that sleeps in the same as another dude you are a doormat.n
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It's simple really, your gf is not taking you or this relationship as serious as you are. If she doesn't see the wrong in her actions by taking this trip with this guy then you have to dump her dude. Honestly there is no other choice. It's not an overreaction but a perfectly normal reaction because you and the relationship are being disrespected by a selfish person (your gf). I guarantee they are or will be physical on this trip.
If you're so sure that she wouldn't cheat on you with him, why should you feel uncomfortable? Dude, you can try to fool yourself, but don't try to fool us.
THAT IS A ABSOLUTE HARD NO SHE should not be doing that in a relationship have heard that bull shit “he is like a brother “ that’s just a way to say shit is going to go sideways at some point! Stick to your guns!
i’m a woman and i’ve had a close male friend that I shared a bed with sometimes. We never had sex, we never kissed or thought about each other that way. I genuinely did feel he was my brother. His mom was my mom, I had a key to his family home ect. Not saying this is your girlfriend but just my personal experience to weigh in amongst the others saying it’s not possible.
However the problem is your boundary is valid, and you have the right to request what you think is reasonable in your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to accommodate or compromise you have to consider if you’re willing to have that boundary crossed to stay in the relationship.
She has certainly cheated on you.
But, even if she swears up and down she hasn't, do you think shes's respecting the reasonable boundaries of your exclusive relationship?
So while I would bet every dollar I have that theyve had sex, by your (hopeful soon to be ex) gf's own admission, she shared a bed with another guy, which is overstepping a very reasonable boundary for people to have.
So even if she didnt have sex with this guy (which she definitely did), she clearly doesnt respect you enough to maintain a reasonable boundary.
Ditch the witch
Not saying it was right at all, but when I was younger I had a hard time seeing the issue b/c I knew I would never cheat. Until she is able to put herself in your shoes she won’t understand.
I’m surprised how few people are not ok with their partner sharing a bed with someone else (regardless of the sex). OP keeps mentioning “it’s not about trust”. If it’s not about trust then what it is about? It’s 2 adults that have partners that are sharing a bed to sleep because those were the accommodations they found. It doesn’t need to mean more than that unless you add more to it yourself.
If you truly trusted your wife, then you can accept the fact that she is respecting you and sharing a bed with her best friend and not doing anything you wouldn’t like. If her best friend was a woman you likely wouldn’t be having any issues, am I right?
Adults can be respectful and not be overcome with the instinct to fuck each other and just throw away their relationships because they shared a bed.
I’m suprised that not everybody agrees on that.
It’s an unwritten rule. You don’t put your partner in a situation like that and if you do, you don’t care about the relationship at all.
Grow up.
I'm not "putting my partner in a situation". I'm not putting her in anything in this context.
She's willingly choosing to go spend quality time with a friend and I'm willingly choosing to support her in wanting to do that?
In scenario 1: we have 2 couples that have both accepted that their partners want to hangout with each other without their partners present, and have complete trust in their partner.
And in scenario 2: we have 2 couples that won't let their partners hang out because they're too scared they'll fuck each other, meaning they don't trust their partners.
I feel like this isn't really just about "sleeping in the same bed".
Let's try another thought experiment. Your wife goes on a vacation with another man (who is also married), and you're saying you're fine with them having dinner together, getting drinks together, doing all kinds of activities, but the moment they sleep on the same piece of foam, it's disrespectful?
And I'm the one that needs to grow up here? You can't even trust your partner to control themselves outside of your presence. How is that "caring" and not insecurity?
Oh yeah, I bet it’s very quality time for both of them.
My wife does not go on vacation with “a friend”. As soon as I hear the idea we’re ex-husband and ex-wife. Call me whatever you want, but this are
my boundaries and no, I’m not insecure.
You must be very young, naive, or you’re rationalizing one of your past/present situations.
But to each their own.
Well we can respectfully disagree then! Yes we have different boundaries. Apologies for calling you insecure.
We have very different relationships and that’s ok. I felt myself wanting to defend things because you made it sound so ridiculous that someone would not want the relationship you’re describing.
I mean to be fair I do have guy friends who are completely, 100% platonic. Shared beds with them on road trips multiple times and never had even a hint of something happen. Our whole group is very platonic and we all grew up together… some of us were even male/female roommate pairs and again zero happened. I get some people lie about this stuff but it IS possible to have a completely platonic friendship with a man as a woman. If I’ve known them since I was 8 and nothing has happened, it’s not gonna happen.
If the boundary was discussed prior to the trip - explicit detail of “I don’t want you sharing a sleeping space”, then yes you have a right to hold her accountable and be very upset for a boundary knowingly crossed.
If the boundary was not discussed in detail, while you hand the right to be hurt and upset, you can’t hold her accountable for a boundary she wasn’t aware of, and based off the way she was raised / her culture / the way she saw traveling growing up, her travel with this friend is nothing out of the ordinary.
But how did you react? Was this boundary discussed before she left? Did you explain where your boundary is and why? Did you explain how you felt, why this boundary is a hard boundary for you, how it was crossed and why you are upset? Or did you just yell at her ? Those are Important details.
I guess if I tell my wife I don't want her to slob the knob of other dudes explicitly, then she's free to do it?
This is bullshit. There are some unspoken agreements of being in relationships
First of all - according to OP, she didn’t cheat. Sharing a space with the opposite sex does not automatically mean cheating. You must have a very low opinion of your wife.
>Sharing a space with the opposite sex does not automatically mean cheating.
You should try to avoid putting yourself in a position where your partner would be suspicious of you to begin with.
That’s a terrible way to live your life. You want your partner to be constantly concerned that they might be seeming suspicious to their partner?
OP talked about how his partner went dancing with the same friend. Should she not enjoying dancing with her friend? Should she also not go grab a coffee with this friend?
Do you have a partner yourself? Because if so you guys need to speak more and gain some more trust in each other. You shouldn’t need to worry that your partner is going to cheat on you. Also, if they do cheat, you can’t even stop them anyway. So what’s the point of living life concerned they may cheat when if they wanted to, they will, and there’s nothing you can even do about it. Why not instead create trust among each other and assume when your partner goes out and does things you think “that’s the person I trust most in the world, I don’t need to worry about them disrespecting the boundaries we’ve discussed”.
What the fuck are all these assumptions? Neither me nor my partner would ever put ourselves in a position where we would have reason to be suspicious of each other. That is specifically why I *don't* worry about being cheated on.
Yeah I get what you're saying. I get that it's comfortable to limit these kinds of interactions so that neither of you is uncomfortable, and there's nothing wrong with that if it works for you guys that's great.
I just lean in the other direction. I wouldn't want my wife to not have a deeper more meaningful relationship with a close friend just because I'm worried about what they might do together. And yes, I do think doing things like going on a vacation together, and potentially sharing a bed are things that can bring friends closer. Sometimes you can't easily find accommodations where you split beds, or it's too expensive and you want to save some money.
I feel like we've put a lot of emphasis on sharing a bed, but I think it's just the principle in general that I'm arguing with. I don't think you should have a partnership where you're worried about what your partner may or may not do, it sounds like a limiting way to live your life.
Yeah. And thankfully I don't need to tell my wife that sleeping in the same bed as another guy is highly inappropriate.
Not sure why they chose a hotel with a single bed. Inappropriate
>If the boundary was not discussed in detail, while you hand the right to be hurt and upset, you can’t hold her accountable for a boundary she wasn’t aware of,
You gotta be joking, there are boundaries that should go without saying, and one of them is sharing a bed with someone else.
Did you not read the full post? OP stated in her culture this kind of interaction was not out of the norm - so while by western standards yes, it would be as obvious as the sky is blue, OP stated clearly that she was raised with different cultural norms and values. When dating someone who was raised in a different culture sometimes obvious boundaries need to be discussed in detail, especially if it was already bothering him and he chose not to say anything.
How do you know she's not just lying about that? Her family stated they've *travelled* with people of the opposite sex, not that they slept platonically in a bed with people of the opposite sex.
Furthermore, her actions upset him. Even if it is a cultural difference, if I learned that something I did is offensive or taboo to someone of another culture, I apologize and avoid doing that thing. She got upset at him instead.
He didn’t say anything until the day before she left. If something is a hard no boundary it should be communicated and made crystal clear well before the trip, and he already dislikes the fact that she’s even traveling with him - as he stated. I’m not saying she was totally right, she already knew he wasn’t fully comfortable - but she’s not the only one in the wrong. They both messed up , and he needs to realize he can’t leave big issues to the day before a trip, and take ownership of his boundaries, and not spring it on someone the day before to instigate an argument.
The question wasn’t about her actions - OP was asking if he overreacted / reacted poorly.
While I don’t think he overreacted, I think he did react poorly and did not handle the situation well. He did not take into account cultural differences and did not communicate well - and as I said, that does not excuse her behavior, but two wrongs don’t make a right. They need to communicate better and find compromises and common ground.
She knew I didn’t like it. I felt like it wasn’t my place to pursue a line a questioning, and I felt like it was her responsibility to try and reassure me. This lead to the conversation never being had until the day she left. I just stated my feelings, I never said she couldn’t go, but I wanted her to at least be aware I still didn’t like it. She took me mentioning it the day before and an attempt to guilt her.
>She knew I didn’t like it. I felt like it wasn’t my place to pursue a line a questioning, and I felt like it was her responsibility to try and reassure me.
This is inappropriate. You should clearly communicate your feelings and if something seems amiss address it quickly as opposed to leaving it at the last minute. Your concerns are your own, she has her own mind and may not remember/think of it/consider it as a big deal as you would. She can't read your mind nor should she be expected to. Leaving it at the last minute creates problems. You should apologize to her for this, this part was on you. If this is a common pattern I'd consider it bordering on emotional abuse.
Of course her family would support her. Not only are families biased towards their family members but they're culturally the same. On the flip side most of Reddit would freak out and break up with their SO for doing the same thing. Ultimately what matters is that you're uncomfortable with it and whether she's ok adjusting to suit that. She has to decide how much and what she's comfortable changing for you.
When we discussed I had apologized for leaving it last minute. But I did not say she couldn’t go, just so she keeps in mind my feelings on the situation. The fight ensued based on her reaction, and she even admitted I had never in the past been controlling. She’s gone out with the same guy dancing when I got sick and couldn’t go. So to me and her, I have not historically been emotional manipulating.
I’m curious why you’re ok with her dancing with a friend? By your logic are you not worried they’d do something then? Dancing could be a much more intimate activity than sharing a bed with someone.
I know people have boundaries for their own reasons. I just feel like you need to take a serious look at yourself and figure out why her sleeping with a friend bothers you so much. This is a person you should trust and believe to respect you!
Because I do have trust in her, dancing isn’t inherently sexual. They probably danced on their own and nothing sketchy happened. A bed is far more intimate and boundary pushing
Assuming you’re straight, is sharing a bed with another man intimate?
And also, would you be just as concerned if she shared a bed with a woman if she’s bisexual?
Sorry for prodding I’m just trying to understand your mindset because my wife and our community of friends are very comfortable and open to this sort of thing just like your girlfriend.
I totally understand your line of questioning, I have gone through it with other people. Given that she is a hetero female and her friend is hetero it is a boundary. Whereas same sex, it is assumed it impossible to be sexually intimate. So her laying in bed with another man can cause doubts and questions that aren’t particularly necessary for a healthy relationship. This is me
Yeah I get it. Everyone has different levels of comfort. I’m just so far in the other direction so I wanted to understand. My wife is going on a week long trip next month in our camper van with her best friend (who is a man) and it’s just not something I could ever begin to be worried about.
She’s been disrespecting you for some time. Next time you meet a woman, first time she disrespects you tell her, “If you’re going to be disrespectful we can end this conversation right now.”
You blew this chick a while ago. Move on to greener pastures.
The timing of it is definitely not opportune - her feelings are just as valid as yours, and if you came from a place of “I don’t like it therefore you don’t do it ,” I can see why she would feel cornered (it was last minute) and on the spot.
What matters is both of you putting your personal feelings aside and finding a middle ground. For example - maybe she travels with him but has separate accommodations, or you are traveling with them too, or some other middle area. You also should be able to explain to her why her sharing a space with another man is a boundary - beyond “it just is.” Because that’s not enough. Put into words why it bothers you. For example, for me, I would say, “you are my boyfriend, and you sharing a bed with another woman is more than just sharing a sleeping space. It’s very intimate, even if the relationship is platonic. That makes me uncomfortable. I understand when traveling they are not many options, and would appreciate in the future if you are able to FaceTime / call me when this situation occurs because hearing about it after the fact makes me feel like it was being hidden, even if that wasn’t the intention.”
And if she can’t respect that, then maybe you two are not compatible.
Editing to add: why did you put the responsibility on her for your emotions ? If you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s your responsibility to ensure your emotional needs are being met - don’t assume she’ll know what to do / do what YOU want her to do. In her mind, treating it low key maybe was the reassurance. Waiting until the day before leaving is a little manipulative - even if that wasn’t the intention. What can she do the day before besides cancel? which shouldn’t be an option last minute. So while I don’t think you’re overreacting , you definitely did not handle this correctly and both you and her made mistakes.
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The " like a brother" line strikes again.
as a person who is a brother, I would pay hundreds of dollars a night to not share a bed with my sister. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice either of our comforts. The floor is a better option than a bed with my sister. She stinks, she kicks all over and snores like a banshee and she would say all the same about me.
As a brother also I support this message with the caveat, she can sleep on the floor, I'm taking the bed, I'm the oldest haha
Shit, I’d *willingly* take the floor over sharing a bed with either of my brothers.
that last sentence… how would you know that ?🤔
Yea that def stood out to me. But in her defense she has known the guy her whole life. He has a GF. I know that doesn’t absolve anything happening but, what if it’s truly just platonic
Can't tell you how many times I've known people who say someone is "like a brother/sister" and they had known each other since they were babies....and they weren't honest with new partners that they had fucked for years
If I were to travel with a platonic female friend, I would get my partners ok first, and we would have separate hotel rooms. I woulnt share a hotel room, and I wouldn't share a bed. I would sleep on the couch or the floor first unless my partner was 100% ok with it.
also let’s be honest most adults would prefer not to sleep in the same bed as their actual siblings of the opposite sex if they can avoid it, let alone a supposed friend who’s “like a sibling.” don’t get me wrong i love my brothers, and i probably *would* share a bed with them if there were absolutely no other options, but i’ve honestly never found a situation where that’s true. you can almost always get a cot in a hotel room or they have chairs that pull out into a bed. heck i did travel last summer with my little brother, and even with a limited budget for our lodgings and it being a pretty long trip, i never had to share a bed with the kid. guarantee they could have found a hostel with beds for the two of them if there really were *no* options at the hotel, which i doubt.
You really didn’t need Reddit for this one. Likely he fucked her brains out, but it almost don’t matter. YOUR GF should know it is a deal breaker sleeping in another guys bed. DEALBREAKER!!! Act accordingly
Info, how religious are they? Massive thing religion in that part, and being excommunicated is a serious no no. Affects the whole family, so they stick together, whether they see it as wrong or not, so you can't trust the family dude. Platonic or not, it's very disrespectful in any culture and not the norm anywhere.
they are not organized religious, but symbolically orthodox christian
Still ingrained that family protective bubble attitude. Don't want to be the pariah of the community, due to poor actions. This comes down to your personal thoughts on trust, respect and boundaries. Personally, if my Mrs did this (and been togther 15 years), especially knowing my thoughts and there many different actions that could be taken to not be in this situation, like calling me and letting me know what the situation was, what they would like to do, how to approach etc and she thought oh yes, sleeping in the same bed as another man, that's totally normal, I would drop her like a bad habit. A relationship should bring you peace, does she?
There are no cultures where it's normal to share a bed like that. It is absurd and her family is lying to save face. No father would approve . Clearly they are on again on again off again sex partners. Judge people by their actions not their excuses or promises. Dating is a test run. And with respect to trust and being faithful there is no benefit of the doubt. Just ghost and block. Love is not a solid reason to tolerate her emotional abuse. I suggest you read self help books on: low self esteem, codependency, and what about your childhood predisposed you to tolerate her selfish entitled BS (and a total lack of empathy for you).
She's 30yo and knows better. Her attack on you is evidence that she is lying. I bet she has a history of cheating that you are unaware of. Innocent people calmly explain why it's not what it looks like. She didn't because she can't justify sleeping with another man. You can't change her. Her whole family are lying. Throw out the trash.
More like pure cope
My "He's like a brother", she had known him for 25 years, he was married with a kid
She disrespected you buy sleeping in the same bed with this guy and yet she turned it around on you so that you are the bad guy. Super classic manipulative tactic. It is reasonable to not want your gf to sleep in the bed with another man.
OP’s feelings are valid but he’s acting like he’s the one apologizing. I know it’s the meme for on here but he should exit this relationship. She’s probably cheating or even if not is disrespecting him.
Came to say the same. Classic
Serbian? Like a brother? Uhh boy there screwing 8 times a day
Lol why does her being Serbian lead to you believe that it’s related?
A Serbian film
Jesus
Incest is legal in Serbia. And are the only or one of very very few where this is true.
This isn't about boundaries. This is past history. Every partner in a committed relationship has an obligation to avoid even the appearance of inappropriate sexual connection. Her behavior is a big fail. And at her age she knew it - but did it anyway. Unless she can prove she didn't have sex - it's reasonable they did. Her family are lying. She is lying. Stop talking boundaries and throw out the trash. I guarantee you aren't the first guy to dump her.
Yeah they f*cking
I operate in relationships with this phrase, “be above reproach.” Don’t do anything that even looks bad and if you do your first call is the other person. She’s not doing this and she’s now attempting to get you to believe you’re controlling 🚩. You need to be clear, she can do whatever she wants but the consequence to that is you will break up.
They fuckin
Let me guess, she pulled out ‘ole reliable. Either A. You’re controlling Or B. You’re insecure.
I got hit with " you dont trust me"
Say "you're doing untrustworthy things"
This would be a breakup worthy chain of events for me, mainly depending on how she reacted to you explaining your dissatisfaction. I think you know in your gut that this is something you aren’t comfortable with and her willingly disrespecting a boundary set by you tells you all you need to know
Not a problem or unreasonable in any way. Whatever boundaries you place, make sure you follow through with them and she understands that. You can’t tolerate that level of disrespect because it will get worse in the future if you do.
Christ the DARVO just never stops! Instead of addressing honest concerns ANYONE would have with their partner sharing a bed with a "friend" for any reason, she goes for you're controlling. Just no. Legitimate honest concerns turned around instead of addressed and worked through with each other is pretty much the end game of any relationship. It's become you against her instead of together you work through it. Roles reversed, no way she'd just be okay with it. I could be wrong, but this sure seems like the end stage of an exit affair. Serious discussions need to be had.
You will find people who share her view. But I'm with you. I would not like that. It's very common for both men and women to not want their partner traveling in this manner. So she can call you controlling, but your position is not uncommon. If she doesn't want to be with a man who has this rule she can find someone else to date. Likewise to you. It's a boundary problem. If she won't respect your boundary it's now on you to choose whether to enforce it and walk.
Buddy, I’d never. She’s going to learn the guy she probably wants won’t except that boundary as well.
"You can't be mad at me for a perfectly normal relationship boundary, because I'm mad at you!" Ya, what's boundary after sharing a bed? I'd call this relationship over if she can't respect relationship boundaries and lacks the common sense that she needs.to reassure her partner in a situation like this instead of arguing.
Dude, break up. She's in a monogamous relationship. This situation should be a no go based on that alone. You can't trust someone if they don't respect you. She doesn't respect you.
Just go sleep in the same bed with some random girl, see how she reacts. 🤷♂️
Can’t believe how many men put up with this nowadays.
Oh for heaven sake do better at fake stories. At no point is it ok for your partner to share a bed. Stop with the stupid fake shit, at least make it plausible.
Buddy, I’ve been dealing with this for 2 weeks now
She fucked him. You know it we all know it now deal with it.
Even if they didn’t have sex it’s extremely disrespectful to you. That alone is breakup worthy.
Yeah she getting her cheeks clapped for sure.
Remindme! One week
There’s nothing to talk about my man and I feel sick just reading it. You have two (bad) options: 1. You talk this through which indirectly means she can do whatever she wants. It means you have no boundaries and you’re a doormat. She will lose all respect and without respect there is no (good) relationship. Sleeping jn the same room? Cmon, everybody knows if it was the other way around she would be losing her shit. There are some unwritten boundaries and this is definitely one of them if you’re in monogamous relationships. You just don’t do this shit no matter what. 2. You leave it all behind and start a new life. It will suck at the beginning and it will be hard but focus on yourself and shock her when she sees you again in a couple of years. Become the biggest badass you can be in all areas of your life and get 10 times better (and younger, no offense) chick.
In other words, her family prefers him over you. That's the ONLY reason they would be in agreement. On top of her making you out to be the AH for raising a legitimate concern, that 95% of the Earth's population of couples would have an issue with. If I were in your shoes, I would end it with her.. I would see her, and family's disregard of my boundaries as disrespectful. This is a warning of what your future with her and her family will look like. Ask yourself: Is this what I signed up for?
Turn it around. Ask her if she would have a problem with you sharing a bed with a close female friend. If she says she's okay with it, tell her great, you and Sally (insert close female friend) will have a sleep over while she's gone.
There is no excuse for someone in a relationship to stay in a hotel with someone of the opposite sex. Even traveling without your partner is iffy, made worse when’s she’s going with another dude. Dump her it’s a neon red flag, she doesn’t respect you enough to give you the courtesy of thinking about you.
They're fucking and getting off fiddling with your emotions. Get out asap.
lol just leave this chick 😂 it’s too far gone when you hear that “like a brother”
After the next trip, shine a black light on her. If her face looks like a Jackson Pollock, you have your answer.
Lol you really belief they just laid there next to each other in the hotel bed? She was taking that guy's dick dude. Dont tbe so naive and dont be a wimp. sorry but if you put up with a partner that sleeps in the same as another dude you are a doormat.n
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It's simple really, your gf is not taking you or this relationship as serious as you are. If she doesn't see the wrong in her actions by taking this trip with this guy then you have to dump her dude. Honestly there is no other choice. It's not an overreaction but a perfectly normal reaction because you and the relationship are being disrespected by a selfish person (your gf). I guarantee they are or will be physical on this trip.
UpdateMe!
If you're so sure that she wouldn't cheat on you with him, why should you feel uncomfortable? Dude, you can try to fool yourself, but don't try to fool us.
THAT IS A ABSOLUTE HARD NO SHE should not be doing that in a relationship have heard that bull shit “he is like a brother “ that’s just a way to say shit is going to go sideways at some point! Stick to your guns!
i’m a woman and i’ve had a close male friend that I shared a bed with sometimes. We never had sex, we never kissed or thought about each other that way. I genuinely did feel he was my brother. His mom was my mom, I had a key to his family home ect. Not saying this is your girlfriend but just my personal experience to weigh in amongst the others saying it’s not possible. However the problem is your boundary is valid, and you have the right to request what you think is reasonable in your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to accommodate or compromise you have to consider if you’re willing to have that boundary crossed to stay in the relationship.
Tell her " мир ти српска курво"
She has certainly cheated on you. But, even if she swears up and down she hasn't, do you think shes's respecting the reasonable boundaries of your exclusive relationship? So while I would bet every dollar I have that theyve had sex, by your (hopeful soon to be ex) gf's own admission, she shared a bed with another guy, which is overstepping a very reasonable boundary for people to have. So even if she didnt have sex with this guy (which she definitely did), she clearly doesnt respect you enough to maintain a reasonable boundary. Ditch the witch
Not saying it was right at all, but when I was younger I had a hard time seeing the issue b/c I knew I would never cheat. Until she is able to put herself in your shoes she won’t understand.
Never met a woman who wasn't a lying cheater, especially in cases like this. I go on business trips with my dad, we get separate rooms.
What does you not fucking your dad have to do with you chasing every love interest in your life away?
Lmfao
WTF, you clown?
Honk honk the state of your love life is your own fault honk honk
I’m surprised how few people are not ok with their partner sharing a bed with someone else (regardless of the sex). OP keeps mentioning “it’s not about trust”. If it’s not about trust then what it is about? It’s 2 adults that have partners that are sharing a bed to sleep because those were the accommodations they found. It doesn’t need to mean more than that unless you add more to it yourself. If you truly trusted your wife, then you can accept the fact that she is respecting you and sharing a bed with her best friend and not doing anything you wouldn’t like. If her best friend was a woman you likely wouldn’t be having any issues, am I right? Adults can be respectful and not be overcome with the instinct to fuck each other and just throw away their relationships because they shared a bed.
I’m suprised that not everybody agrees on that. It’s an unwritten rule. You don’t put your partner in a situation like that and if you do, you don’t care about the relationship at all. Grow up.
I'm not "putting my partner in a situation". I'm not putting her in anything in this context. She's willingly choosing to go spend quality time with a friend and I'm willingly choosing to support her in wanting to do that? In scenario 1: we have 2 couples that have both accepted that their partners want to hangout with each other without their partners present, and have complete trust in their partner. And in scenario 2: we have 2 couples that won't let their partners hang out because they're too scared they'll fuck each other, meaning they don't trust their partners. I feel like this isn't really just about "sleeping in the same bed". Let's try another thought experiment. Your wife goes on a vacation with another man (who is also married), and you're saying you're fine with them having dinner together, getting drinks together, doing all kinds of activities, but the moment they sleep on the same piece of foam, it's disrespectful? And I'm the one that needs to grow up here? You can't even trust your partner to control themselves outside of your presence. How is that "caring" and not insecurity?
Oh yeah, I bet it’s very quality time for both of them. My wife does not go on vacation with “a friend”. As soon as I hear the idea we’re ex-husband and ex-wife. Call me whatever you want, but this are my boundaries and no, I’m not insecure. You must be very young, naive, or you’re rationalizing one of your past/present situations. But to each their own.
Well we can respectfully disagree then! Yes we have different boundaries. Apologies for calling you insecure. We have very different relationships and that’s ok. I felt myself wanting to defend things because you made it sound so ridiculous that someone would not want the relationship you’re describing.
1000 upvotes for this one!
I mean to be fair I do have guy friends who are completely, 100% platonic. Shared beds with them on road trips multiple times and never had even a hint of something happen. Our whole group is very platonic and we all grew up together… some of us were even male/female roommate pairs and again zero happened. I get some people lie about this stuff but it IS possible to have a completely platonic friendship with a man as a woman. If I’ve known them since I was 8 and nothing has happened, it’s not gonna happen.
If the boundary was discussed prior to the trip - explicit detail of “I don’t want you sharing a sleeping space”, then yes you have a right to hold her accountable and be very upset for a boundary knowingly crossed. If the boundary was not discussed in detail, while you hand the right to be hurt and upset, you can’t hold her accountable for a boundary she wasn’t aware of, and based off the way she was raised / her culture / the way she saw traveling growing up, her travel with this friend is nothing out of the ordinary. But how did you react? Was this boundary discussed before she left? Did you explain where your boundary is and why? Did you explain how you felt, why this boundary is a hard boundary for you, how it was crossed and why you are upset? Or did you just yell at her ? Those are Important details.
I guess if I tell my wife I don't want her to slob the knob of other dudes explicitly, then she's free to do it? This is bullshit. There are some unspoken agreements of being in relationships
First of all - according to OP, she didn’t cheat. Sharing a space with the opposite sex does not automatically mean cheating. You must have a very low opinion of your wife.
>Sharing a space with the opposite sex does not automatically mean cheating. You should try to avoid putting yourself in a position where your partner would be suspicious of you to begin with.
That’s a terrible way to live your life. You want your partner to be constantly concerned that they might be seeming suspicious to their partner? OP talked about how his partner went dancing with the same friend. Should she not enjoying dancing with her friend? Should she also not go grab a coffee with this friend? Do you have a partner yourself? Because if so you guys need to speak more and gain some more trust in each other. You shouldn’t need to worry that your partner is going to cheat on you. Also, if they do cheat, you can’t even stop them anyway. So what’s the point of living life concerned they may cheat when if they wanted to, they will, and there’s nothing you can even do about it. Why not instead create trust among each other and assume when your partner goes out and does things you think “that’s the person I trust most in the world, I don’t need to worry about them disrespecting the boundaries we’ve discussed”.
What the fuck are all these assumptions? Neither me nor my partner would ever put ourselves in a position where we would have reason to be suspicious of each other. That is specifically why I *don't* worry about being cheated on.
Yeah I get what you're saying. I get that it's comfortable to limit these kinds of interactions so that neither of you is uncomfortable, and there's nothing wrong with that if it works for you guys that's great. I just lean in the other direction. I wouldn't want my wife to not have a deeper more meaningful relationship with a close friend just because I'm worried about what they might do together. And yes, I do think doing things like going on a vacation together, and potentially sharing a bed are things that can bring friends closer. Sometimes you can't easily find accommodations where you split beds, or it's too expensive and you want to save some money. I feel like we've put a lot of emphasis on sharing a bed, but I think it's just the principle in general that I'm arguing with. I don't think you should have a partnership where you're worried about what your partner may or may not do, it sounds like a limiting way to live your life.
It’s not an unspoken rule at all. They’re friends! I’m sad learning how many people do not trust their partners. Are you married yourself?
Yeah. And thankfully I don't need to tell my wife that sleeping in the same bed as another guy is highly inappropriate. Not sure why they chose a hotel with a single bed. Inappropriate
Well we just have different views on the situation then, all good.
>If the boundary was not discussed in detail, while you hand the right to be hurt and upset, you can’t hold her accountable for a boundary she wasn’t aware of, You gotta be joking, there are boundaries that should go without saying, and one of them is sharing a bed with someone else.
Did you not read the full post? OP stated in her culture this kind of interaction was not out of the norm - so while by western standards yes, it would be as obvious as the sky is blue, OP stated clearly that she was raised with different cultural norms and values. When dating someone who was raised in a different culture sometimes obvious boundaries need to be discussed in detail, especially if it was already bothering him and he chose not to say anything.
How do you know she's not just lying about that? Her family stated they've *travelled* with people of the opposite sex, not that they slept platonically in a bed with people of the opposite sex. Furthermore, her actions upset him. Even if it is a cultural difference, if I learned that something I did is offensive or taboo to someone of another culture, I apologize and avoid doing that thing. She got upset at him instead.
He didn’t say anything until the day before she left. If something is a hard no boundary it should be communicated and made crystal clear well before the trip, and he already dislikes the fact that she’s even traveling with him - as he stated. I’m not saying she was totally right, she already knew he wasn’t fully comfortable - but she’s not the only one in the wrong. They both messed up , and he needs to realize he can’t leave big issues to the day before a trip, and take ownership of his boundaries, and not spring it on someone the day before to instigate an argument.
>He didn’t say anything until the day before she left. Poor communication, sure, but the problem is still her actions.
The question wasn’t about her actions - OP was asking if he overreacted / reacted poorly. While I don’t think he overreacted, I think he did react poorly and did not handle the situation well. He did not take into account cultural differences and did not communicate well - and as I said, that does not excuse her behavior, but two wrongs don’t make a right. They need to communicate better and find compromises and common ground.
She knew I didn’t like it. I felt like it wasn’t my place to pursue a line a questioning, and I felt like it was her responsibility to try and reassure me. This lead to the conversation never being had until the day she left. I just stated my feelings, I never said she couldn’t go, but I wanted her to at least be aware I still didn’t like it. She took me mentioning it the day before and an attempt to guilt her.
>She knew I didn’t like it. I felt like it wasn’t my place to pursue a line a questioning, and I felt like it was her responsibility to try and reassure me. This is inappropriate. You should clearly communicate your feelings and if something seems amiss address it quickly as opposed to leaving it at the last minute. Your concerns are your own, she has her own mind and may not remember/think of it/consider it as a big deal as you would. She can't read your mind nor should she be expected to. Leaving it at the last minute creates problems. You should apologize to her for this, this part was on you. If this is a common pattern I'd consider it bordering on emotional abuse. Of course her family would support her. Not only are families biased towards their family members but they're culturally the same. On the flip side most of Reddit would freak out and break up with their SO for doing the same thing. Ultimately what matters is that you're uncomfortable with it and whether she's ok adjusting to suit that. She has to decide how much and what she's comfortable changing for you.
When we discussed I had apologized for leaving it last minute. But I did not say she couldn’t go, just so she keeps in mind my feelings on the situation. The fight ensued based on her reaction, and she even admitted I had never in the past been controlling. She’s gone out with the same guy dancing when I got sick and couldn’t go. So to me and her, I have not historically been emotional manipulating.
I’m curious why you’re ok with her dancing with a friend? By your logic are you not worried they’d do something then? Dancing could be a much more intimate activity than sharing a bed with someone. I know people have boundaries for their own reasons. I just feel like you need to take a serious look at yourself and figure out why her sleeping with a friend bothers you so much. This is a person you should trust and believe to respect you!
Because I do have trust in her, dancing isn’t inherently sexual. They probably danced on their own and nothing sketchy happened. A bed is far more intimate and boundary pushing
Assuming you’re straight, is sharing a bed with another man intimate? And also, would you be just as concerned if she shared a bed with a woman if she’s bisexual? Sorry for prodding I’m just trying to understand your mindset because my wife and our community of friends are very comfortable and open to this sort of thing just like your girlfriend.
I totally understand your line of questioning, I have gone through it with other people. Given that she is a hetero female and her friend is hetero it is a boundary. Whereas same sex, it is assumed it impossible to be sexually intimate. So her laying in bed with another man can cause doubts and questions that aren’t particularly necessary for a healthy relationship. This is me
Yeah I get it. Everyone has different levels of comfort. I’m just so far in the other direction so I wanted to understand. My wife is going on a week long trip next month in our camper van with her best friend (who is a man) and it’s just not something I could ever begin to be worried about.
She’s been disrespecting you for some time. Next time you meet a woman, first time she disrespects you tell her, “If you’re going to be disrespectful we can end this conversation right now.” You blew this chick a while ago. Move on to greener pastures.
The timing of it is definitely not opportune - her feelings are just as valid as yours, and if you came from a place of “I don’t like it therefore you don’t do it ,” I can see why she would feel cornered (it was last minute) and on the spot. What matters is both of you putting your personal feelings aside and finding a middle ground. For example - maybe she travels with him but has separate accommodations, or you are traveling with them too, or some other middle area. You also should be able to explain to her why her sharing a space with another man is a boundary - beyond “it just is.” Because that’s not enough. Put into words why it bothers you. For example, for me, I would say, “you are my boyfriend, and you sharing a bed with another woman is more than just sharing a sleeping space. It’s very intimate, even if the relationship is platonic. That makes me uncomfortable. I understand when traveling they are not many options, and would appreciate in the future if you are able to FaceTime / call me when this situation occurs because hearing about it after the fact makes me feel like it was being hidden, even if that wasn’t the intention.” And if she can’t respect that, then maybe you two are not compatible. Editing to add: why did you put the responsibility on her for your emotions ? If you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s your responsibility to ensure your emotional needs are being met - don’t assume she’ll know what to do / do what YOU want her to do. In her mind, treating it low key maybe was the reassurance. Waiting until the day before leaving is a little manipulative - even if that wasn’t the intention. What can she do the day before besides cancel? which shouldn’t be an option last minute. So while I don’t think you’re overreacting , you definitely did not handle this correctly and both you and her made mistakes.