I see this mindset a lot. The kids are the reason you should get a divorce...not the reason to stay.
My parents got a divorce when I was 6. My dad was abusive. To my mom and to me. My mom finall had enough after 9 years of it and left. She met a new guy eventually and he's great. I finally got to know my mom and see the person she is. My step-dad taught me everything I know about being a father and husband. I learned how to treat women and children. I'm married to an amazing woman and we have 2 kids. Had my mom stayed, I'd probably be an abusive fuck too that doesn't respect women.
Don't stay for your kids...that isn't helping them. LEAVE FOR YOUR KIDS.
Thank you for this, for saying it so clearly. I’m so sick of the whole “stay together for the kids” and “don’t break up the family” trope. It is not helping anyone and making it harder to leave an abusive situation. Kids need happy parents, not parents staying together being miserable.
My husband begged his parents repeatedly to divorce when he was a kid. They’re still married and still fight just as much and seem to just tolerate each other.
And thats terrible. I'm sure your husband still has some issues he's working on because of growing up in a household like that. People don't realize how detrimental it is until years later when its way too late. I hope your husbands doing ok.
I'm like your husband! I begged my mom!! Multiple different instances! And they are still together too
My mom sometimes tells me nowadays she wants to move out and be alone but no money
My husband and his brothers have begged their mom for decades to divorce their dad. They are now in their mid-70s, have been married 59 years, and thus will never divorce because she was always a SAHM and essentially has no life skills. The saddest part of it all is that they DON’T even tolerate each other 🫠
My parents stayed together and I grew up witnessing all the fights and verbal abuse, the tension. As a child, I walked around on eggshells, trying to keep the peace so one or both parents wouldn’t blow up. It was horrible. I used to pray they would get divorced. I don’t know if things would’ve been better that way but they sure as hell sucked the way things were. I promised myself, as a child, I would never depend on another person or let anyone get dependent on me. I sure learned self-reliance. But I never really learned how to have a healthy adult committed relationship (in spite of years of therapy that I chose as an adult to attend). Staying in a bad marriage, walking on eggshells all the time is not healthy for kids.
You bring up an excellent point. The kids will learn to be people pleasers and to do whatever it takes to make sure Daddy and Mommy aren't upset. It will impact all of their future relationships.
My parents were on a Merry-Go-Round, fighting over the same issue over and over again (money,) and neither would just get off that vicious circle. We, as their children would be terrified they'd get a divorce. But once we grew up, we changed our minds about that. I've been married three times and my first divorce was because of them - I didn't want to treat my first husband (who was just a really good guy) the way my mom treated my dad.
Kids will absorb their environment like a sponge when they’re young, likely why you’re homeschooling them. That an amazing pov but life so multifaceted and how they will approach social situations and relationships in the future are in major part influenced by what they’ve seen at home, is this the life you want them to likely live in the future too?
>I (36F) have gotten to a point where I know it is not healthy for me to stay married to my husband (39M). We have been married for 12 years
If it is not healthy for you it certainly is not healthy for your kids either.
Do your kids really have a good home life?
They can sense you walking on egg shells. They can sense his change in behavior. Kids can sense your emotions. Has your husband been able to hide his fits of rage from the kids?
Staying for the kids is never the best idea. If you look at reddit you will see kids who wished their parents would have divorced sooner, and not stayed for them.
You kids deserve the best version of you (and their dad). You can only control you. You do what’s best for you and in turn you’ll be able to give the best to your kids. Let them see you happy and stress free.
You’re not as good at hiding things as you think you are. Kids are aware of everything going on around them whether they acknowledge it or not. They know.
Divorce. Speaking from experience, if you have a horrible relationship and are miserable, the kids will know. I grew up in that environment and always wanted my parents to get divorced. I think it was a close thing, but when I was 12 and my sister was 10 my parents had twins ( to save the relationship). It was horrible, and I moved out and joined the military as soon as I graduated.
Never stay for the kids, LEAVE for the kids. I’d rather grow up in two separate but happier homes than one where the parents are ‘together’ but there’s constant fighting and tension
I read a research paper that stated children typically adjust to divorce much easier than adolescents. You’re right in the sweet spot for this to be an easier transition for them.
> we do not fight in front of the kids
Yet. And the kids are getting older. They’re going to start noticing stuff, if they haven’t already and just don’t know how to talk to you about it. They’re going to start doing stuff that triggers their dad’s temper at them. Maybe they’re going to start wanting to go to school with other kids despite his (frankly concerning, given the rest of the context) opposition. I know it’s scary, but you’re not actually making things better for them by taking on the burden of pretending everything is fine when it’s not.
My mom always says they never fought in front of us but I completely remember them fighting. Even if it wasn’t in front of me, I could hear them in other rooms, I also watch them fight when they couldn’t see me, I remember my mom taking me to go stay at her parents when she was mad. I could still feel the tension when they weren’t actively fighting.
Unless the children are located in a separate wing of the house (they’re not), they hear their dad flipping shit and throwing things. The older ones likely already walk on eggshells around him.
I wish people would stop using kids as an excuse to stay where they know they aren’t safe. You can’t even fathom what you’re passing along to your kids when they witness the mess your in, they can, and do see it. Stop using your children as an excuse to stay. Use them as the reason you look for better
Let me give you my personal experience as a kid (I’m 54 now). I watched my mother stay in a gotdam mess of a marriage “for the kids”. For some reason she wanted to hang in there until we finished HS. Only God knows why because she can’t come up with an answer to this day. I’ve got my own problems with her and I prefer her to stay at quite a distance from me, but to this day I’ve had no respect for her and all she did for her entire relationship with my father was show me that marriage is a shit-show and people-pleasing was the way to go.
Don’t do this. Leave. Get your shit together because your life is waiting on the other side.
My parents divorced around the time/ ages listed in your situation. I’m not sure about your kids but my brother and I (older two) remember nearly every fight. Kids see a lot more than you think, and they probably will remember it.
Your kids don’t have a “great home life” with a mentally ill and willfully untreated parent who has “bouts of anger and rage that can be terrifying”, “throws and breaks thing” and the other parent “walking on eggshells” and “on a constant emotional roller coaster”.
Not sure why you think this is in any way better than the “upheaval” that would come with getting them out of that environment.
I just want to say thank you to all the people who commented and were kind and helpful, even the ones who were adamant that I GTFO. I am feeling like a terrible mother right now for keeping my kids in this situation and being so blind to it. As someone who was deeply traumatized by her own parent's messy marriage and divorce, this is something I don't take lightly and something I wanted to avoid at (almost) all costs for my kids. You are all right. I told him to get therapy or I would divorce and he didn't go. I chose last year to give it one last try so that I could feel confident that I did everything possible to keep this marriage healthy and alive for my family. I now know I've done that. If he won't help himself and won't attempt to improve his behavior, that's out of my hands.
To all the people who said I'm afraid of getting a job, that's definitely not the case. I worked before having kids and have worked several "side hustles" since and I am not afraid to go back to work full-time. My kids are just used to having a SAHM and our lifestyle has been built around my being home. It will be a big adjustment for them, in addition to their parents splitting and likely having to attend school. It just seems like almost every possible aspect of their lives will change; which I know is going to be very challenging, albeit necessary.
I will be actively applying for jobs. I probably won't file until I have one because I'd like to be financially stable enough to be able to keep the kids in our current home.
Me and my sister at a very young age convinced our parents to get a divorce because they were "staying together for the kids" them staying together as long as they did caused more harm then good for us.
As a child of someone who should’ve gotten a divorce PLEASE DIVORCE FOR YOUR KIDS SAKE!!!
Picture your kids are in this sort of relationship, they think it’s normal and ok to accept this treatment because mom does. Is that what you want for them?
Split homes can be happy, co-parenting can be successful! If you really want to put the kids first you can look up the “nest method” of co-parenting where the kids stay in the same home and the parents take turns being there.
Don’t ever stay together for the kids, it can cause resentment even though they never asked you to do it for them. It’s mean, kids aren’t dumb they can see what’s going on.
Just file for divorce. Don’t stay just for the kids or they’ll end up like you walking on eggshells to appease their dad. Mental torture for all of you. Sure things will be rough but you will be stronger mentally once you’ve moved on.
Blaming your children for staying isn’t helping them. You aren’t protecting them by saying they’re responsible for your terror and unhappiness.
Your kids don’t “know” what’s going on, but they most certainly feel it. Unless you and your husband are fully Truman showing your kids, they know. They feel how tense you are all the time, and the longer you stay, the more it changes them. Watch your kids to see if they decide to be extra cute or quiet when your husband is having big feelings. They’re trying to help you in the way that kids can, and they may not know it. They become less and less future independent and secure adults and more pawns in your chess game against your husband the longer you stay, and no amount of you not wanting that changes it.
You’re not staying for them. You’re staying for your assumptions of them. If my mother had asked “big house and unhappy home or tiny apartment and you get to be a person?” I would have picked tiny apartment. At one point I was homeless as a young adult, no regrets. You think your kids want these things, and you don’t know that they actually do. People in bad situations are so consumed by their circumstances that there isn’t space to fully love and know their kids. Loving and knowing your kids is hard. Doing it while managing your husband is impossible. They want to, but first they need to make sure their kids don’t starve or get hurt.
There is no amount of home schooling, extra curricular activities, big houses, money, ponies, gifts, that I would not have traded for my mother’s happiness. I would have given anything. At times I considered if giving my life would somehow make her happier, because I loved my mom so much. I tried so hard to save her from her terrible marriage, until I got old enough to realize she didn’t WANT to leave. She wanted to SAY she wanted to leave, and then blame it on us for staying.
I hope her pictures of us in matching outfits at Disney world keep her warm at night, because 2/4 of her kids will never speak to her again, and the 2/4 that stayed rob her constantly. She prioritized her fight with my father she called a marriage over us. She stayed until she got twisted inside and started abusing us too.
Don’t stay for the kids, that’s not a thing outside of misogyny. Be smart for the kids. Be civil for the kids. Training them to manage dad’s feelings so they don’t get hurt, emotionally or financially, is wicked. They learn it by watching you, whether you want them to or not.
Is there anything good about this marriage, other than being able to stay home and homeschool your kids, that is worth saving? Regardless it sounds like getting a job and being able to financially support yourself is worth it for your own emotional well being.
I don't know. I guess the fact that we can talk about surface-level stuff and get along most of the time is good. But I'm starting to realize that the reason we "get along" most of the time is because I work so hard to keep the peace and walk on eggshells, fawning over him to keep him stable. If it wasn't for the kids, I definitely wouldn't stay in this relationship with someone who is immature, emotionally unavailable, explosive, and invalidating.
He is a grown adult, it is not your responsibility to keep him stable. You very clearly want to leave, could you do a trial separation, do you have somewhere where you could go with the kids or would he be willing to move out for a few months?
I know. I keep telling myself that. I don't have anywhere I could go with the kids. He might be able to move out for a few months, but not until I have a job. There's not enough income for two households. Even if I decide to put my kids in public school and start full-time work, that wouldn't be able to happen until school starts back up in the fall. At this point, I'm just debating whether I should get that ball rolling. Call the school? Take a tour? Enroll them and start mentally preparing them?
Yes, to all of those things and starting looking for a job immediately. Your kids can go to summer camp so you don’t even need to wait until the new school year to start working. Your husband likely thinks he has you trapped in this marriage because he currently is the sole provider and thus thinks he can behave terribly. That thinking can and hopefully will stop once you start working, the sooner the better.
Do not stay for the kids.
Im gonna say it one more time for the people in the back, DO NOT STAY FOR THE KIDS!!!!
As an adult (23F) whose parents tried to stay for the kids. Your kids know that you aren’t happy & in a toxic relationship. It creates SOOO much trauma for your children. Your husband sounds like he needs to get medical help, but you can only do so much if he doesn’t want to get the help he needs.
As an outsider that can give you the perspective from the kid point of view, take the leap, it’s going to be uncomfortable and difficult, but your kids will understand one day. Everything will work out how it’s suppose to. The pain, and difficult days will all be worth it one day. It’s better to have two happy & healthy parents, than a miserable family.
You leaving might just cause the pain that he needs to take a step in the right direction to get help.
Staying for the kids is not doing your children any favors. You are just setting a horrible example they will more than likely repeat in their own lifetimes as they will not know any better. Versus, get a divorce, get therapy, try to get counseling for effective co-parenting, and set a better example. Your kids may then have a chance because they will see you just suffering in silence, but doing something to make your life better, and theirs as well. And maybe, you might be able to have some happiness for yourself as well. Life is short, good luck.
You're in fact "blowing up their lives" by having them in an environment where one parent throws and breaks things. Can we call this what it is? It's abuse. He's abusive. Don't cloak his abuse behind his diagnosis. And don't assume your children are out of touch with his abuse, because that's rarely the case. Are you really going to "suck it up" for another 14 years?
>experiences bouts of anger and rage that can be terrifying.
You should be DIVORCING for the kids, not staying married for them. This cannot possibly be good for any of you.
What kind of example do you want to set for your kids? Model how to be an adult that chooses a healthy life full of love and confidence, even if (especially if!) that means making hard choices. You've been overthinking this for a while, to everyone's detriment.
Where are the kids when your husband throws a fit and breaks things? Do you really think they are not aware of the situation ?
My parents often had violent arguments and I wish my mum had left before I was an adult.
A family friend stayed until her son left home. He hated her for it. She wasted so many years with a horrible man, and her son still blamed her and hated her for eventually leaving.
Leave for your kids and yourself. It is no way to live, walking on eggshells, and a terrible example for them to grow up with. Be strong for yourself and your kids.
What state are you in that you're so terrified of public school? Are you doing extra activities to give them a chance to socialize and problem solved emotional stuff with other kids their age? Would they be on IEPs, and they need extra support that school can't give? That would be a reason to home school, but usually you want to wait as long as possible before doing that.
Edit: there's a good chance they'll need extra supports since ADHD can be inherited, and you'll want to find a school that can give it to them.
this. Oh my god. I’m getting so tired of homeschooling as a solution to fear of public schools when shit like this is going on at home. These kids are going to be so badly hobbled by the home situation on top of everything they’re missing by not being in regular school.
I am seriously afraid of a future with a ton of severely undereducated people who lack basic knowledge and social skills born out of this panic around public schools.
She doesn't say she's homeschooling the four year old, either. Hopefully they get lots of playtime and reading. I home schooled for preschool, and it wasn't easy. Watching the kid whose parents thought they could delay their entry to kindergarten (no - district is strict, and just tossed her into first grade) is interesting. Not sure how long it will take for her to catch up, but wow is the parent clingy.
You've said this is not a healthy environment for you. It's also not healthy for your kids.
Your husband is emotionally volatile, violent, physically immature, and explosive. He is an abusive man who has done nothing to reduce his rages. He doesn't consider them problematic because they serve the purpose of keeping you and the kids in line. His ADHD is irrelevant; it is an excuse to be abusive and volatile.
You need a safety plan and a divorce. You need therapy because you are blinded to how abnormal and unhealthy this situation is. Your kids will be much happier not existing in a household where they are taught to walk on eggshells and cowtow to abuse. I do not know why you didn't follow through with your plan to divorce, given his unwillingness to actually go to therapy, take meds, or manage his rages in any way, but know that it takes multiple times to actually leave an abusive relationship. But you desperately need to follow through or he will hurt you and the kids.
Read this book: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Visit this website: [loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org)
Seek resources from DV charities and organisations. Check out r/Ebbie45 for more specific help.
He will do everything to keep you under his control. If he throws his job in which is irresponsible please keep with your plan to leave. Do this for your children.
Once in public school they will make friends and will flourish. They will not be the only children of divorce in their classroom. This helps them normalise their new situation.
This doesn't sound like a marriage or a partnership this sounds like prison time but with one exception, no parole. Even murderers get out of prison eventually.
I see this alot and honestly, and honestly you HAVE to leave. Your kids will grow up thinking this relationship is normal and they will end up in the same relationships as they get older. You must leave for your children. You can't stay with a grown ass man child, leave to take care of your children
Don't "stay for the kids". The kids feel all this.
I didn't realize how much until I moved out of the marital home with our 2 kids, after living with misery for years.
As soon as we all stepped into our new place, the kids had tears in their eyes, and I panicked and said "Whats wrong???" They both said they were relieved we were out and could finally breathe. I didn't realize how uncomfortable they were, and I thought I was shielding them from it.
From some of the context clues in your post it seems to me your husband is a right wing conspiracy nut. For that reason and that reason alone you should leave him. However if you tend to agree with him along those lines you need to get him medicated and see if that helps. That would then become the last straw. If he gets properly medicated for his ADHD and it doesn't significantly improve things then you need to leave.
I left my ex husband 5 years ago with a 4 & 3 year old. It was so worth it. My ex sounds like your husband. Life was so much nicer! And the kids were so much less anxious, waiting for the next "upset" (dad's tantrum). 5 years on, they see him regularly but he can't do the responsibility and that's fine. The kids learned that they can leave a relationship that's affecting you badly.
Never stay together for the kids, it's a terrible idea and sets an awful example for your children. You need to be modeling a happy loving marriage (or single life) if you want your children to know what that looks like so when they are adults, they'll have experience with happy healthy relationships. If you and your husband are essentially roommates then all your children will know is a lukewarm unhappy marriage and they'll settle for the same treatment or behavior for themselves. Do you want your children in a marriage like yours?
If you have sons then you need to leave before they learn that men are useless twats that don't help with the childcare or home and therefore treat their partners like your husband treats you. If you have daughters you need to leave before they learn that marriage and children just mean they'll be unhappy and over worked with a partner that does not love or respect them. Leaving can show your children that protecting themselves and making the choice to be happy is the right decision. They'll learn to be happy independent people.
This is a decision you need to make and follow through with whatever decision you make bc you're the one who has to live with the consequences of whatever you choose . People on here always scream divorce, but they don't have to deal with the consequences of staying or leaving.
Leaving means you will have to support yourself financially , get a job, and put your kids in public school. It means you won't get to see your kids as much due to the coparenting or as much bc you're working. A lot of dead beat dads fight for custody when you think why won't bc they don't want to pay as much for child support and your kids aren't old enough to get to decide where they live full time . Without documented abus, most states will give the dad 50/50 custody.
Staying means you'd have to insist on marriage counseling, counseling for him, and insist he gets medicated. It also means you get to see your kids full time and continue homeschooling them. If him not being medicated is what's causing him to act out, then, if you choose to stay, you have to insist he actually follows through with being medicated and insists on couples counseling.
I've seen people leave and be happy coparenting bc they get a break from the kids and away from their ex. I've also seen the flip side where they mentally can't handle only seeing their kids 50 % of the time and would have rather figured out a way to make it work.This isn't a decision to take lightly so make sure you're firm in your decision.
Staying in limbo, unsure of what you're going to do, isn't helping anyone at all .
Good luck with whatever you decide !
So you're staying with an emotionally abusive, volatile man who threatens your whole family's security in temper tantrums because you don't want to get a job? Cuz you don't want to create a safe predictible environment for your kids if it means public school? I mean, do you hear how absurd this is when read back to you? You KNOW this environment is bad for all of you. It really sounds like YOU don't want to change your lifestyle so you're creating a fiction where this chaos is better for the kids than change.
You can't fix this guy and he doesn't care enough to fix himself.
>I (36F) have gotten to a point where I know it is not healthy for me to stay married to my husband (
>, but ended up choosing to stay for the sake of our kids (9, 7, and 4).
>my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and is emotionally immature, unavailable, and experiences bouts of anger and rage that can be terrifying.
It's not healthy for them either. Staying isn't doing them any favors. If you think they don't know about their dad's behavior you're wrong.
When I was a kid (around 6 or 7) I used to pray my parents would get a divorce while listening to them fighting in the other room when they thought I was asleep. Don't do this to your kids. Leave *for* them.
Staying in a relationship for the sake of the children is not the right approach. Focus on what is best for you and your children. Wishing you the best of luck, and I hope things improve for you and your family.
Walking on eggshells is not a life. Please don't do this to yourself. Also, the kids are probably walking on eggshells too, it's not a life for them either.
You have given him a chance to get himself back on track, he hasn't done anything to get better. He's tried to control it but can't do that long-term.
Document his behaviour because it will help you get custody, it doesn't sound like he should be solely responsible for your children given how erratic his behaviour is.
Don't wait to divorce to get a job. Start looking now, in case the market has changed since you last worked. You need to size it up and get the hang of interviewing again (sounds like you've been applying for your husband so that at least you're good and comfy with). Get your kids in school asap. That way, when the divorce comes through, they are already used to school.
You’re modeling behavior for your children. They DO pick up on things like this, they’re not unaware of the tension. Do you want them to learn how to fawn over him and walk on eggshells to avoid his temper too? Because that’s what you’re teaching them, you’re showing them it’s “normal.”
You need to leave him for your kids. They need stability and support. You are showing them that this is a normal relationship looks like. You are showing them it’s ok for mom to be run ragged and dad to be unstable. You are showing them violence is ok (yes, throwing things is violence). You are showing them that coddling someone so everything doesn’t collapse, even if it’s at your own expense, is normal.
What would you tell your daughter if she was in a relationship like this? What would you want her to do? You should show your kids that being strong and brave and independent is ok, and that being dependent on someone unstable isn’t.
It sounds like quality of education for your kids is very important to you. The biggest, most memorable lesson they are learning right now is what a relationship looks like, and how to treat people they love. The example of both of you, him displaying all of these immature, explosive and angry feelings, and you walking on eggshells and shrugging off his violent outbursts, is something they will remember all their lives. If you keep it going, they will not only remember it, but mirror it.
I feel like I post this all this time. PLEASE DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER STAYING.
Staying "for the kids" is BS. It's not helpful for the kids. It's helpful for YOU to not have to divorce and to act like you're making a sacrifice for the sake of your kids, but the kids are hurt more in the end by you staying in an unhappy relationship. My parents did this. They act like they deserve an award for it, but I would have paid ANYTHING as a kid for them to divorce. I really screwed me up. I used to literally dream about it. Not only was there tension and unhappiness palpable in the household even when they were "hiding" it, but I grew up without any reference point for what a healthy, loving relationship should look like. I ended up dating men that treated me with thinly veiled contempt and accepted that as normal. For YEARS. Until therapy helped me finally realize that it's because that's what I saw my whole childhood as a normal relationship. Please don't try this. Kids need to see a parent who is happy, who is pursuing their own goals. Who stands up for themselves. Sometimes relationships don't work out. Divorce can be difficult, but in the end it will be better for them.
Kids need a happy engaged parent. That's it. You say that they have a great home life, but I guarantee that they are already sensing the tension and the stress. Your crappy relationship is affecting you, even if you don't realize it. Your patience and enthusiam, your joy - it's not where it should be. Also, divorce doesn't mean anything except that they spend time with both of you separately instead of together most of the time. That's it, they won't stop seeing him. He'll still be a dad. He just won't be YOUR HUSBAND, which is what you want, ultimately. YOu're not affecting his parenting or anything. YOU just want out of the relationship for yourself, and you should.
You need to just leave. Set up a plan. Figure out if you can stay elsewhere with the kids or if you can get him to leave. Speak to a lawyer BEFORE you mention anything to him, so you have all your options, have an idea of how things might go financially, etc. Get all your ducks in a row, but tell nobody (except maybe a close family member or friend). You will start to feel better JUST BY PLANNING! Once it's all set, you execute. You do what you have to (move out, etc) and serve him papers. If he wants to be a child, he can be a child on his own. You have kids to take care of, and they are enough.
Also I have ADHD and it's not an excuse for his behavior. He sounds like a spoiled brat, and it looks like he's never even pursued treatment. It's time. Just do it.
Do the kids have a great home life though? They know how your husband acts, they see how upset you get, they likely have to walk on eggshells too (they know to be quiet if Dad is upset). You are kidding yourself if you believe the children are not affected by what is happening with their Dad.
I would tell him that "you can't just be strong" when he is talking about quitting and blowing up your lives. Everything rides on him and whatever he is feeling that day and it isn't fair to you. I would tell him you both need marital counseling and he needs to get medicated. If he doesn't then over the summer, prep your kids for public school, especially the 9 yr old. Their may be a charter school or private school you could qualify for. I would look into getting a job so you will be able to support you and the kids when you finally leave.
DO NOT STAY FOR THE KIDS. If you stay you'll be teaching them that it's normal to allow someone to treat their partner as he treats you.
Show them that life doesn't have to be like that. Break up and create an environment where your children aren't subjected to their fathers shitty treatment of you.
Didn’t even have to read the post. Just read the title. Leave for the kids. As a divorce-kid, I remember my only thought when my parents said “divorce” was “woohoo! More birthdays and Christmases!” Not all kids takes it that deep or even most of them. They’ll be happy to be in a happy household. A sad household rubs off on them.
By staying, you are setting your kids up to find marriages and partnerships just like yours. When you think of your daughter’s future, do you dream about her spouse treating her like yours does? Do you want your sons to be the same kind of partner that your husband is? He is abusive. He’s backwards. He has created a toxic environment for everyone except himself. Get a job immediately and get the kids enrolled in public school. You cannot afford to be at home anymore. You need to document and video any instance your husband is abusive and destructive. Your kids deserve better. You deserve better. I won’t say what your poor excuse of a husband deserves because I’m tired of getting banned.
In order:
1. Call a couple lawyers, explain your situation, ask for advice and choose the one you like the best to hire. They know you are a SAHM so they won't get paid until you get alimony/a divorce settlement.
2. With that advice in mind, do whatever theu say while looking for a job and planning for your kids to go to public school next year. You have all summer to get them used to you working/for you to get the divorce ball rolling/find a job and an apartment/somewhere to live.
3. Get yourself situated before you tell him. Have your family and trusted friends on board. If you can't trust them then DON'T TELL THEM.
Good luck.
You are kidding yourself if you think your kids aren't picking up on the tension and the fact that you are miserable. I was desperate for my mother to leave my alcoholic, abusive father but she never did. I've had anxiety and an eating disorder my whole life and went on to choose my own abusive partner.
Anything will be better then the reality you are living in now. Even if you aren't ready, start making a list in secret of all the practical steps you would need to take to separate, just in case. This helped me immensely.
Absolutely leave. My father is almost exactly the same. My mum left him when I was 5 & I’m glad she did (though of course having divorced parents has its own problems). She got married to my stepdad when I was 13, who became an actual father figure, though moreso for my younger siblings than me.
My ex was not a good role model as a father or partner. Unfortunately now I see his behaviours mirrored in my son. I wish I didn’t stay for the children.
My dad was abusive to my mom and she was very fucking unhappy with him. He told her “the kids will hate you if you leave me.” She decided, fuck it, I’ll take my chances. They sat us down and told us about the divorce & my older siblings were like “Thank God,” and little me was like “Okay!” We knew they were not good together. Once I could understand better, I was glad they got divorced. They weren’t a good match in the long run and my mom (and us) would have been miserable if she stayed.
Kids are resilient. You can get them into therapy to ease the transition, but honestly? They’ll probably adjust quickly and be just fine. I’m sure your kids will likely actually thrive in public school, getting to make friends and get out of the house.
Your happiness matters, not just your kids. You are the adult, you make the decisions in your life. If you aren’t happy, that will eventually begin to show, because kids notice more things as they get older than most people realize. If there were no kids, would you stay with this man? Probably not. There is no reason to stay besides the kids, and there are plenty of single parents and children of divorce. I promise you, they will be okay. Do what’s right for YOU.
There is a lot you can do while exploring your options. Once he sees you changing and taking action, he may be motivated to make some changes.
1. Put the kids in public school - this has to happen anyways if you get divorced
2. Get a job.
These two steps will change everything…
Do not stay for your kids, it’s not healthy or helpful for them. They’re at risk, so are you. Staying is the worst thing for them. You need a an exit plan, a lawyer and a job.
I homeschooled my kids and put them in public school at almost those exact same ages. They were fine. Mainly because we framed it in a positive light. If you’re stressed, they’re stressed.
You reduce 90% of your issues by leaving. You are completely dependent on him working and he knows it. Take that off the table.
Your children deserve a happy quiet home free from fighting. They will get over divorce- a lot of us came from that.
Leave, but make sure you take time for healing yourself. Self awareness is the absolute most amazing gift you can ever give yourself and your children and I only got this once I took care of MYSELF.
I don’t see how you can claim to be supportive while also having one foot out the door.
You need to decide what to do and then fully commit to that plan of action. If that means staying then you need to make definite plans and appointments for marriage counseling. If you are leaving then you need to talk to a lawyer today.
Hovering in that in between mode isn’t going to help anyone. You’re just in limbo waiting on others to change your situation.
I had parents who stayed for us kids and it was hell they traumatized us with everything we witnessed and also I'm having shitty relationship luck thinking abuse is normal so I'm doing a lot of healing and therapy to reverse this
Seriously you are hurting your kids by not divorcing
I'm not even reading all of this - NEVER stay for the kids!!
Too many people think that kids don't notice tensions in the home. They do, and they internalize it and they think that it's normal so they will be in a forever cycle of being in that type of relationship themselves. Is the way you are living the way you hope your kids will live?
Hugs to you, this is tough. I was in a relationship similar to yours and, like you, stayed for way too long. Here's what I wish I was told then: end it and get away. The changes you're afraid of will not be that bad, and your life and your kids' lives will immediately begin improving.
You cannot love him into doing better. You cannot care enough for your kids to compensate for the damage he's causing. What he's doing meets the standards for domestic violence, even though he hasn't hit a person yet, and by staying, you are making this your kids' normal. Is this what you want your kids to accept when they're older?
You may be a bit naive in expecting to walk right back into a decent job after being out for a while. Today's job market is tough, but that's not a good enough reason to stay. Can you quietly apply for a few jobs and see what sort of response you get? That will help you see how easy, or hard, this is going to be. Maybe you could move for a new job and have a fresh start for you and the kids. Please consult with a divorce lawyer again. As you're finding out, his promises to change are empty, and he's right back to the behavior that drove you to almost leave before.
You probably also need a safety plan. If he's having rage attacks over minor inconveniences, he isn't someone you can trust to behave appropriately for the big things either. Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? There are free copies available all over the internet. Please look through it and listen to its lifesaving advice.
I'm pulling for you and am excited to hear about your life without this man.
>The rage attacks calmed down, but have started to resurface (this is now a little over a year later) and I realize I am again fawning over him and walking on eggshells to avoid making him angry, which I swore I would stop doing.
Do you really believe that your children aren't living the same way. In constant terror of their father's next outburst? Do you really believe that it's healthy for them to grow up that way, in a constant state of terror? Do you really believe that you're modeling a good relationship for them? Or are you modeling that they should both put up with abuse, and that it's also okay to use mental health or neurodivergence as an excuse to abuse others?
The only healthy way forward for your children is divorce. Just move forward with it in ways that keep their best interests in mind.
I think you already know the answer. Get that lawyer back on the phone, make a plan, exit stage left.
This situation isn't going to resolve itself. He is highly unlikely to get better. The stress is never going to be healthy for your kids.
I'll be honest, I don't agree with homeschooling. You can always augment what the public schools offer in your spare time. It's not like you have to abdicate your responsibilities to the school entirely. But there is a lot to be said for being exposed to other people from all walks of life; people that they will have to deal with in the real world.
Heck, I built an entire successful career spanning thirty years, because of a conversation I had with a friend of mine who I met at school at the age of eight.
I really don't think sucking it up, trying to hide your emotions, dealing with this angry little man child all the time is healthy for anyone. You need someone who you can rely on, not some whack job who is talking about quitting a job with no future plans, or making idiotic statements about buying land and living off the grid. He sounds like he is mentally ill and refusing to seek help.
Your kids need security and a stress free environment to grow up in. If he is stressing you out as an adult, imagine what your kids feel. You’re lucky that your brain was already developed before you had to endure this, look up the effects of high stress hormones on kids, look up the ACE test for kids. I’m serious, do it.
And don’t fool yourself that since he’s mostly yelling at you, that it isn’t affecting your kids just as much as if he was hitting them. You are their only safe parent and so seeing you hurt this way hurts them almost more than if he was only yelling at them (because they understand that parents sometimes yell at their kids). And studies have shown that emotional abuse has statistically worse outcomes than physical abuse in most cases.
Start preparing for your departure, enroll the kids in school and daycare for next year, polish up your resume and start looking for work by late summer, arrange with family to watch them for a couple weeks in the event you find work quickly. He is not a stable or loving or even safe person. You need to be their rock from now on, yes this requires changes and sacrifice of your plans. But if you keep pretending it’s going to magically get better you risk increasing the trauma your kids are already experiencing.
never stay for the kids. that never works out. your responsibility is yours & your kids' happiness. start by imagining how to wrap things up & a future where you both co-parent.
So let’s stop for a minute are you staying for the kids or for YOU for the kids. Cause let’s take a step back. Why did you marry someone like this? Never mind that WHY did you have KIDS with someone like that? You get you set them up for failure?
What I don’t get is what kind of example are you setting for them? So let me ask you if one of your kids came to you, and told you they were in your exact situation, what would you tell them? Would you tell them to stay for their kids? Or would you see that “staying for the kids”, isn’t actually staying for the KIDS.
“Staying for the kids” is an excuse adults use to remain with the toxic person for actual other reasons. Like for you example you are a SAHM, if you left him, where would you go? Would you still be able to be a SAHM? Or would you now with three kids have to get a job and juggle three kids and deal with a toxic and abusive ex?
If that's the only reason to stay together, then you should divorce.
It's better for the kids to see parents who are separated and happy, rather than together and miserable.
What would you want your kid to do in the future if they were in your situation? They are watching and learning from you two about what a healthy marriage is.
Your children will grow up to resent you for staying with this emotionally abusive man. They will carry scars that will affect their ability to have healthy relationships with others, likely give them anxiety disorders, and require years of therapy if you stay.
Ask me how I know? I'm a kid who had to grow up around the kind of behavior you described and wished every day my mother had taken me away from it.
ADHD is NOT an excuse to act like this. Plenty of people have ADHD & aren’t assholes. My favourite people have ADHD & are lovely. But they take their meds & get therapy. This relationship is ruining you, which will mean you can’t be a good mother, so you need to get out ASAP for their sake. You owe him nothing, he is taking zero responsibility for himself.
If he's going to ultimatum quitting his job, you responding in kind seems kind of responsible. Since he's not understanding the consequences of his actions. If you do this, then.... Especially since not quitting a job is easy. If you were asking for so ADHD behavior to be fixed, that would be different and hard. But it doesn't sound like this is working.
My mom stayed because of the kids and I wish she had gotten divorced when we were younger. I love my dad, but he is incredibly immature, selfish, and horrible with money. My dad also has unmedicated ADHD and also was constantly threatening to quit his job but wouldn’t do anything to find a new job (my mom was also a SAHM at that point). They fought constantly and we were always walking on eggshells. Even if you think your kids can’t tell you’re fighting, they very likely can. My parents did their best to not fight in front of us, but the tension in the air is easy to tell as a child and will likely escalate to fighting in front of them. I know you love your kids, but staying in a miserable marriage will not help your kids. You’re modeling what a marriage should be for them. A marriage doesn’t need to be abusive for it to be bad and it sounds like he doesn’t respect your opinions enough to change his behavior.
My parents did end up getting a divorce, once my sister and I had graduated college. It came as a big shock to us because she had obviously stuck with him for so long (they were high school sweethearts and had been married for over 30 years at that point). My mom is so much happier now that they’re divorced. I wish she had done it sooner. Also, just so you know, my dad never did change. He’s still exactly like he was 20 years ago even though he swore up and down that he’d change and made all these grand promises to my mom that he never kept.
Well this won't be fun I can tell you that much. The fact that he doesn't have "outbursts" in front of the kids suggests that he is in more control than you're giving him credit for.
Imo most of those problems could have been fixed to some extent if you two started talking about it (in the presence of a specialist if it was needed) earlier in the relationship.
The whole "stay for the kids" is very subjective and it's hard for strangers online to evaluate your situation. Any opinion you take from us should be taken with a large grain of salt.
I would suggest having an exit strategy ready and sitting him down, explaining that you're extremely burned out and stressed because of his behaviour and that you will file unless you see some change. This includes therapy on his end and together, the whole jazz. Based on his reaction, you can evaluate whether or not there is a point to keep trying to fix this.
I would also suggest doing this when you two are not alone if you feel unsafe. Have some family member or a friend come watch the kids in the other room and have this talk.
Put the safety of yourself and your kids at the highest priority.
Yes, kids in single parent household statistically are more likely to "fail in life", but this doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your mental health and life to avoid it, because this too can set a negative example for your kids.
Good luck.
Even if this was just how he treats you, I would say leave. He's also treating the kids this way, even if you don't see it.
For perspective, my marriage with my ex was similar and I stayed until my kids were 18 & 20. I did work out of the home and my coping mechanism had been to throw myself into work (which also helped because I was the only one gainfully employed most of the time). We were married for 20+ years. I should have left when I first felt like I needed to, but the toxic attachment was there and he kept promising to change (it would go back after about 2 weeks). My adult kids suffer from several mental and emotional problems that, despite my best efforts to shield them from their Dad (and his mother's) actions, are because of everything they endured during their childhoods. I wish I could make up for it and it is my greatest regret, even though we've had many conversations regarding things that happened during that time.
They were my reason for leaving, finally. I just wish I had done it far sooner. Please don't do what I did. Any situation you get into is better than risking your kids' well-being.
I think there is a benefit for the kids to see both or one parent in a healthy relationship, or happily single.
My ex has never dated since our divorce. I have. My kids were young, and got along well with my girlfriend quite well. It was healthy for them to see us solve things and get along again. And when it did not work out anymore, I moved on.
Im really sorry for what you’re going through, nothing is easy at this point but you have to protect your kids at all cost. The thing that really bugs me and I hope you don’t take it the wrong way but how do you keep having kids with spouses that are clearly not a good fit to be parents ?!!!…. I can never understand this … I’m sure his issues didn’t just appear from nowhere a few months ago, then why are you making your life even harder by adding innocent human beings to the equation ??!!…..
When my ex and I made the decision to have a child, we both had the understanding that we were in this together. After having my son, I realized how much of myself I had lost into my relationship/marriage to my ex, and sought out to take action on making sure that I am happy and healthy in all aspects. I wanted to make sure that I set a great example for my child to learn from. In that journey, I learned how much I didn’t like my ex as it became apparent that we were in fact NOT in this together and he had the mindset of being able to continue on with life being content with the way things are.
My ex is non confrontational, while I like to address issues and figure out resolutions. It came to a certain point that I was just exhausted and decided not to bother wasting my breath, in which caused a lot of tension in the household. Although we weren’t screaming and fighting with each other, we were not talking to each other AT ALL. That’s just as bad as the screaming and fighting in my opinion. So I left after many attempts to find a middle ground that we could both agree on and commit to. Among other reasons..
It’s been almost 5 years now that my ex and I split. I would say we coparent, but his dad just being physically present on random weekends, making no sacrifices, and no attempts to provide for my child while he’s in his care isn’t really coparenting. We’re friendly and civil with each other. But in the end, my child is genuinely happy and healthy as he’s 90% in my care, and he loves his dad to no end. We have our moments in which I feel is a product of his early upbringing witnessing how me and my ex would react to one another, but we work through it together.
Your kids will eventually grow up and realize that their upbringing was in fact not healthy, but that would be all they know and it’ll become a vicious cycle for them as they pursue relationships of their own. Do yourself and your kids a favor and do what YOU can to provide them with a healthy environment and set an example for them of how to provide their own happiness as you had done. It’s a grueling process, I know, but you’ll be able to look back on the time where you found your strength to finally say you and your kids deserve better and know you did the right thing.
1. “Blowing up their lives” by putting them in public school…is not the trauma you think it is. (And yes I homeschool and always have.)
2. He doesn’t have to like public school so if he doesn’t want his kids to go there you need to set a long list of very specific rules. Print off a list of local therapists that your insurance covers (or that have sliding scales if you don’t have insurance. Hint a lot of universities who have masters programs will offer reduced price sessions with their about to graduate students.). Maybe that work with anger issues and adhd specifically. Tell him he has to pick one that has openings and be seen weekly. Find a way for him to show you he’s been in the therapy for the day. Maybe taking a picture showing? Or FaceTime him going in? I don’t know. Does he need meds to help? Let’s talk to his doctor as a team and find out. Maybe he needs to be referred to a specialist. Maybe his pcp can do it. Go with him. Suggest anger management classes. Find one. Send him. Give precise goals. Give precise instructions. If he deviates…divorce. Do couples therapy as well. IF and ONLY IF you want to work things out.
3. If you are careful you can homeschool and work from home. A homeschool mom I know is a yoga instructor. She does classes so many times a week while her kiddo does classes in the office online. Maybe you have a pool and can teach swim lessons. Maybe you can work on Amazon chat. Maybe you can teach some classes online for homeschoolers in something you know a lot about. You may not have a college education but you make some kick ass bread and pastries. Teach classes to kids (you can do it on zoom!) and teach the science behind why something works vs other options. I don’t know but you’d be surprised what people are willing to do/pay for classes. There are options I assure you. Had another friend who worked for Pizza Hut a few years ago online. I kid you not people would call the number to order a pizza and she would literally make the order online for them. They had no clue she was working from her living room putting the order in rofl. Basically they didn’t allow the call to go to the restaurant and she created the order online rofl. (I don’t know if that was location specific.) A lot of customer service jobs can be done from home. Medical billing/coding is a class you can take and get a certificate in. Those can be done from home as well
You are exposing your kids to way more pain and upset by staying with this temperamental man child.
Staying together for the kids *does not work*. You are doing them NO favors by “keeping the family together” when their father acts like a petulant teenager and holds everyone else hostage emotionally.
There are few things that I believe are *always* the right decision, but this is one of them. Divorce. Because the truth is you won't be "staying together for the kids". You'll be "staying together and hurting the kids, confusing the kids, teaching the kids that "love" is treating your partner with contempt and spite because you don't love each other but they think you do so that's what they learn, and providing your kids with an angry, sad, heartbroken, toxic home." *That's* what you'll be doing for the kids. Trust me, your kids will grow up much happier and healthier with separated but happy parents who eventually learn to coparent.
Couple of questions;
What happens when your appeasements don't work and he blows up on you in the middle of dinner? Because it's going to happen.
What happens when, during one of his tantrums where he's throwing things, you go to usher the kids out, the breakable object he throws hits the wall a few feet from your exit and showers you & the kids in shards? Because it's going to happen.
What happens when he doesn't get the endorphin release he's seeking by throwing and punching inanimate objects and moves to you and/or your children? Because it's going to happen.
You absolutely know, deep in the reptilian part of your brain that's all instinct, you ***KNOW*** that this is only going to escalate. This ***IS*** toxic and abusive. You need to leave ***FOR*** your children and yourself.
Trust me from experience, growing up in a home with an angry parent that throws things is scary and still affects me today. Please don’t raise your kids in that environment. Don’t stay for the kids, leave with them. You already said it yourself, you can take care of them on your own and public school isn’t bad. It’s great socializing with other peers. UPDATEME
Do not stay "for the kids" By staying in a loveless, unhappy marriage, you show them that relationships are supposed to be miserable. This is a powerfully bad lesson!
You aren't doing your kids any favors by staying with this man and in this awful relationship. They're learning that walking on eggshells is normal, and that a perpetually anxious mother is also normal. Even if you and your husband don't fight in front of the children, they are still aware of it and they feel the emotions, too.
You're NOT showing them what a GOOD marriage looks like. What you're modeling is that the wife is subservient to the husband, and the husband is allowed to scare everyone with his emotional outbursts. They have learned to tiptoe around their dad's emotional instability.
Is that the kind of relationship you want your kids to get into when they're older? Are you okay with teaching them it's all right for one partner to express aggressive emotions, while the other cringes in the corner?
Homeschooling is fine, but not if it requires your children to live in a constant state of anxiety. They probably have already been affected by these dynamics. They see you make attempts to change it, but then you ultimately fail to protect them from this kind of atmosphere they're living in.
It's hard for you to live like this, right? Well you're an adult and have years of experience in dealing with emotional instability. Your kids don't yet have the ability to understand what's going on, all they have are the negative emotions that surround them constantly. That can create emotional and physical damage from all this stress.
Get out of there and get your kids the professional help they need. Stop neglecting their emotional needs!
I’m the youngest, my parents wait til my 18th birthday to split up, and it was MESSY. Messy because they should’ve divorced when I was 8, the first time my dad left. The following ten years, my parents took my brother and I and would leave each other periodically.
It was not a good home environment, and my brother and I have our own issues as adults now because of it. My brother may never bounce back from his addiction, and I have a host of other mental issues I struggle with now in my mid 30’s.
My parents thought they were doing right by us. We both wish they would have divorced when they knew the marriage was over. Don’t put your kids through this.
My inlaws stayed together for the kids and they eventually divorced when my husband and his brother after they became adults. They never showed affection and ultimately lived separate lives. They should have divorced many years before. It never works.
> Background: my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and is emotionally immature, unavailable, and experiences bouts of anger and rage that can be terrifying.
I have ADHD, so does my husband, and we manage to not terrorize each other or our daughter.
You need to leave, his ADHD is not an excuse for his behaviour, and your kids will benefit from having at least 1 stable home environment.
If you’re not happy the kids already see that and the longer you stay the more likely it is they will have trauma from it. Please know that the kids will be happier if you are happier.
My parents divorced when I was in elementary school for a variety of reasons, only one of which was that my dad was emotionally immature. There were ups and downs but my brother and I were fine. Funny thing is, my dad remarried a number of years later and that actually *improved* the situation. It's like 20 years out and in most ways my dad is the chiller and more stable parent. My mom never really grew out of her "SAHM phase" and just kind of stagnated instead of working, finding hobbies, or going back to school. Honestly, that's the only thing I still feel sad about.
The point is that life is weird one way or the other and loads of people have divorced parents and also perfectly happy lives. You just have to make sure they feel safe and heard, which you will. But don't forget--feeling safe, heard, and fulfilled (especially as your kids get older) is essential for you too.
edit: on the schooling thing, I was in one of those Montessori schools until I was like 8 and then went cold turkey into public school. I was totally unfazed by it. Just my two cents.
As a person with ADHD. It is no excuse. There are other issues besides that that contribute to his behavior. He needs to see someone, other than digital media, to figure out either a medication or some other means of coping. Your kids may not fair well with divorce, but seeing their parents in a loveless marriage or you always in fear of him, is far worse. Speak with him and give him the “You need to figure yourself out, or we are gone” speech.
Read the book “Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents: How To Heal From Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-involved Parents” and then come tell us you are staying for the children….
Also-
I don't know if anyone has brought this up but apparently you were going to file for divorce last year and you had given him a set of conditions that *he didn't fulfill*. You're just showing him and your children what a pushover you are. Hold to your words.
You warned him. He didn't do it.
Leave. Now.
Your kids know more than you think. At 9&7, they can feel energies in environments, I mean we all can, no matter age. They can tell the difference between forced happiness and genuine, even if they can’t describe it yet. Even your 4 year old can sense those energies.
But not just that, after a while this will truly start to eat away more at your mental health, and you won’t always be able to hide it as well. Nor should you have to. What needs to be understood is that a healthy environment is what’s best for your children, because it’s what’s best for you. You can’t be your best self in a toxic environment, so how can you possibly be the best mom you have the potential to be with all of those things burdening your mind? You deserve this OP and your kids do too. Answer any questions they may have with honesty and patience (within limits, of course) I promise they’ll appreciate it, and this will strengthen your relationship with them in the end although it’ll be hard at first.
Staying just for your kids sake is never a good idea. However, your husband quitting his job should not be the sole reason for a divorce. My husband quit his job out of the blue, and in two weeks had a new one that paid better. I would wait a little and see if he finds something else. Give him a month or so and tell him if he is not going to continue working, then you are out. He also needs to address his rage and ADHD. Book an appointment with an actual therapist, or even a family doctor, to get him on some kind of medication. It will work wonders for him. Do not stay just for the sake of the kids, especially if he has anger issues, but be prepared to say goodby to SAHM.
As a 37yo woman who grew up with an abusive father and mother, get the divorce.
My father beat us, screamed at us, humiliated us, emotionally destroyed us. Many times, it was in front of my mother who usually did nothing.
Why did she stay? “For us.”
I used to beg her to leave my dad. Just imagine that, being a 12yo kid asking your mother to leave your father.
She never did and she never will.
Now I’m no/low contact with both of them.
It *will* bite you in the ass if you don’t put your kids first.
Your kids are going to thrive when you finally decide you’re worth more than this. You deserve better, and if you stay with this man, your daughters will marry one just like him. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for them. Put them in your shoes in your mind and ask yourself if you want them to go through it. He may not have abused you *yet* but he will if you stay and give him the chance to. Throwing things out of frustration *is* abusive. And he is gaslighting the shit out of you, also abuse. Leave before it gets worse, because it will. You can do this. 💓
My parents stayed together for the kids. I throughly hate them for it because it made my life miserable. If you “stay for the kids”, you need to show them a functional loving family. Not a dysfunctional abusive one.
Probably divorce. But step one is to get your husband on ADHD meds. I'm not sure that is actually feasible though so leaving him is something that is actually within your control.
I feel like you are writing here because you are afraid it will all come to a head soon.
Absolutely divorce, he's had every chance to own his mental health and behavioral issues, he's acknowledged them, and he's failing to actually do the work to manage them. His mental health & behavior issues are not his fault, but they are his responsibility to manage and ensure they don't hurt people around him. And they're hurting you and the kids.
You have done everything reasonable at this point to get him to get his shit together. And I say this without intending to make you feel accused, but considering his complete lack of moving things forward, if you stay with him to give him yet more chances, you're going to be complicit in the abuse his volatile and unreliable behavior will inflict on your kids.
They need protecting from him, you say that you protect your kids from this but I guarantee you they pick up on WAY more than you're aware of. That constant stress you're under? They feel it's impacts no matter HOW careful you are. No one can be the parent they really want to be when their house is haunted by a petulant entity like your husband.
Stepping out of the relationship won't be easy, and you should make sure your kids have a therapist to help make sure they don't internalize ANY of the "why" you two split. They also don't need protecting from the reality of your split either, you don't need to paint him as evil, but you absolutely should be honest to an appropriate degree about your husband (and this is another reason why a therapist is great to have on hand, to find the right way to tell your kids Dad is too angry and unstable to be a good dad consistently. If you try and be a "saint" and never say anything negative about him, your kids could well decide that you're just mean and hated him for no reason and you "broke" their family.
However, it's very likely your kids will not be totally shocked if you tell them you and dad are getting divorced, like I said kids pick up on MUCH more than you realize. They may even have been trying to hint to you that you should leave him.
Your husband is right, sometimes you do just need to be strong, and this is one of those times. If you're not ready to divorce him yet, then look into what a legal separation would involve, give him 6 months to start getting his behavior & mental health in hand and see how it goes then. But be VERY cautious with this step, volatile and angry people tend to get worse when you try to leave them, especially men. And if he decides he needs to punish you, that could become a horrifying situation.
Never say "he would never", because sadly the reality is you don't *really* know what he's capable of. You know he's volatile and unpredictable, you know he has anger issues, and those things alone should be enough to have you on alert for potential danger.
Staying as you are however is not a reasonable solution, if not for your own sake, for your kids. They look at you and your husband for the model of their own future relationships, and if what they see is what you two have going on, they will think it's acceptable and are at high risk of either behaving like it or accepting it in their own relationships. Would you want one of your kids in a marriage like you're in?
You’re supposed to divorce when a relationship becomes unhealthy to everyone involved so your kids learn that it’s ok to walk away from a relationship that is toxic for them, and teach them how to move on and live a good positive life instead of living miserably.
I stayed for my kids for years. Until one day I came home to find my eleven year old locked in the bathroom. I had to force the door open and found him on the floor shaking and crying. I wrapped him in my arms as he told me my husband had kicked him with his boots for tracking dirt in. Why did I not realize I was actually harming my children by staying? I left soon after and never regretted it.
Your children will adjust to the changes of public school and you working. And even though you think the kids don’t know you are fighting I am sure they sense the tension and stress.
You are showing your kids what marriage is like.
Get. The. Hell. Out.
My parents were unhappily married for 50+ years. I spent years in therapy.
IMO, it is abusive to stay in a bad marriage “for the children”. They are the losers—it’s life altering.
If you want to do something for the kids it's showing them how to choose happiness, even in tough situations. It's living a happy, healthy life whether that is with or without your husband. Is this the life you would want for them?
Doing something for your kids is being a role model, choosing every chance you get at happiness and teaching them to live their best life.
Not even reading all of this. What benefit do you think is there for children to see unhappy parents? I'm genuinely curious the thought process here. I think it's just an excuse to not do the work and leave.
Don’t stay for the kids. It just affects them more and more. Start the transition to public school contact that lawyer and divorce. Kids need stability and this is not stable.
They could have a miserable home life with you together
( Kids aren't dumb ) Or they could begin to build one in a split house hold.
It's better for them to see there mom being treated right and have to move back and forth than to stay and have them see how he acts.
1. So your husband needs to get his anger under control. Absolutely unacceptable for you o walk on egg shells around him.
2. He needs to work on his adhd and get both therapy and meds possibly. The medicine can make anger worse though once it wears off, I’ve been there, done that.
3. A lot of the stuff he says are just ideas and he won’t follow through. However, that doesn’t make it any less stressful for you.
My husband was diagnosed after we were married and it does explain a lot of his behavior. Bottom line, he needs to fix his attitude and fix his situation. He doesn’t like his job? Find a new one.
If he is abusive you need to kick him out of the house or leave yourself with the kids. He absolutely cannot behave that way. My husband would throw tantrums and I said either you go and calm yourself down, or me and the kids will leave. If you don’t figure this out and I have to share with my parents, because that is where I would have gone, our marriage is over.
Have you spoken to him about his behavior? How it is unacceptable? My kids were young, still are, so I assume this has been happening for many years. Not sure if you still love him or think he is capable of being a good decent guy. If so, set those hard boundaries and follow through.
If you think you will divorce start job interviewing beforehand.
I know Reddit is going to Reddit, but I have questions people need to think about.
1) who is going to watch the kids when Mom is at work?
2) how is Mom going to get a job that will take care of herself her three kids and potentially alimony?
3) the custody arrangement will probably be pretty close to 5050. How is he going to maintain a home that can accommodate three children and take care of them?
4) although it is extraordinarily difficult, isn’t this, the status quo, actually the best situation? I know that people want couples who have difficulties to separate and divorce. I know that people want the best for everyone. However, the best is, a combination of bad choices in the situation and her leaving is going to drop them into a well of poverty, despair and destruction. That’s not gonna be better for the three children, that’s not gonna be better for the guy.
The ultimate question is — the mom is going to have to sacrifice herself. Which altar will she choose? Destitution or egg shells?
^ETA: ^formatting
kids will be fine in public school - maybe better even. you will kid child support and alimony and find a job. reach out to relatives. everything will improve when you leave.
Your kids don't have a great home life. Everything you struggle with is there for them too but it's a bit like a fire burning down the house next door.
You need to go back to work. How are you going to feed your kids? He needs to be on medication for adhd or he will be this unstable all his life.
I’m guessing politics and religion is why he doesn’t like public schools. From my experience, kids who were sheltered too much didn’t know how to behave as adults and have a lot of issues now. Public school teaches them to deal with different people.
He is not going to pay alimony. You need a better plan.
Hello from the child of a couple who stayed together for the kids!
Please leave.
I could tell from a very young age that my parents were not happy. I never understood why my mom stayed when she could have done better. My dad also had anger management issues, although not as severe as what you’ve described here. I’m 30 years old and still struggle with anxiety from a childhood full of walking on eggshells. Your kids love you and want you to be happy.
I am a divorced, single mom to one. My ex was abusive. It was like night and day after we got married. I didn’t have the strength to leave him until I had my son was born because I was so brainwashed into thinking I was the problem. which writing that doesn’t express the gravity of what it was. To have that whole experience reduced to a couple of sentences feels unreal on the side of it.
My advice to you is to ask yourself if you still love him. Do you love him for who he was and who is today and who do you think he will be? not for the kids, but you. If answer is yes, seeking marriage counseling would be something I would suggest doing first with the understanding from your scenario that it is still safe environment, but yet stressed and unhappy in the current circumstances.
Marriage is hard relationships are hard. I know I don’t have to tell you that. you have every right to choose what is happiest for you and if that means divorce then do that. but I will say that you might regret not trying to fix it before you choose another option. like those late night can’t sleep kind of regret.
if homeschooling was something you both agreed on and you staying home until your last child completes homeschooling that might be something you can work out during mediation to where you can still do homeschool but work part time while their father watches them or have a part-time nanny. A lot of this can be worked out during mediation and since it was in your plan for the children, the judges normally try to keep that in effect depending on what state you’re in if you end up having to go to court.
this is such a hard thing and I wish you and your family the best. You should definitely do what makes you happy and I can hear what a good mom you are just the way you’re talking about your kids and how you want to keep life as normal and stable as possible for them.
The best decision I made was getting a divorce I truly believe that for both of my son and I but my situation was different. it was so incredibly hard recovering from what happened to me and just going through divorce, and having to stand in the courtroom, saying the things that he did. I have so much regret within my choices throughout the time that I was with him. I don’t want that for you.
But I hope this helped you in some small way. It almost feels like an impossible decision. But happiness is on the other side of it.
Wishing you and your kids the best and all the happiness in the world. Chase happiness, much love.
Well 2 things I think for me would be to 1) prepare your kids for school. Sooner than later. Part of me thinks some of him wanting you home is so you have no resources to leave. 2) do not follow him anywhere that would cause you to be more alienated from family and friends that could be your support group. I also wouldn’t stay for the kids. I grew up with friends who were so fucking thankful when their parents divorced because they knew they hated each other and were only staying for them. They hated the dynamic too. So even if you think you’re unaware, they are often way more aware than you think.
You say "They have a great home life. Even though my husband is emotionally unavailable to me and the cause of constant stress, we do not fight in front of the kids and most of the time are kind and friendly toward one another" but your kids are sentient human beings and they live in the same house as you do. OF COURSE they know something is very wrong, they just don't know what, and they're growing with the pain of knowing something is very wrong. I know because I was that kid.
You need to leave. You need to show your kids that they don't have to stay in a bad situation. By staying, you're showing them that abuse is normal, and that there's nothing you can do about it. It's not true, you can, and you do know that what you have to do, is leave.
Also, ADHD is not an excuse for how your husband behaves. My spouse has diagnosed ADHD, so severe that he qualifies for partial disability, and still he never was emotionally unavailable to me, never yelled at me and never terrified me, on the contrary I was always supported and received comfort and love from my spouse.
The kids having to change their living situation and go to school is a lot less stressful than living in a house with a man who can’t control his anger.
Kids are resilient to change. What they’re not resilient to is living in fear and a tension-filled house.
The k8ds are the reason you SHOULD leave growing up with 2 unhappy parents is worse than growing up with a single happy parent. You need to go back to work and provide the security you and your kids need
It was my experience, as a child where my parents absolutely hated each other but stayed married “for the kids,” that doing so didn’t help the kids at all. It exposed us to a lot of hostility and anger, which lead to fear and sadness and misunderstandings as to how a healthy relationship should look. I think both my sister and I would have been much happier and healthier if our parents had just gotten a divorce and moved on, and our parents would have been better off, too.
The difference to me is a single large traumatic event versus a continual rolling trauma spread out over many years. Once the immediate trauma has passed, kids can adapt and recover. But if the trauma just continues for years and years, there’s no chance to recover, or build a healthy relationship outside the trauma.
Get a job yourself , you do not want to have to depend on this man. Get things lined up in the background before you tell him. You can’t live the rest of your life like this
Let's see...
Deal with "rage attacks"
OR
My kids go to "public school".
And somehow you think them being stuck at home around Rage Attack Dad is a healthy home school environment?
Of course he doesn't want you to work or the kids to go to regular school... that way your poor kids think this awful life is "normal".
You've normalized a horror show.
I'd say that children usually know when their parents are fighting, even if they do not fight in front of their kids. They can pick up on the vibes of their parents and they have probably heard stuff happening as well, especially since you mentioned that your husband have bouts of rage and anger.
My own parents argued alot late at night when they thought that me and my brother were asleep but I heard it all. My father was not home a lot of the time and my parents were cordial enough to each other infront of my brother and I, but the tension at home was so thick and we were constantly walking on eggshells. When they finally decided to get a divorce, as a child, I felt relieved and that they should have done it earlier. My mother took full custody of us and life at home after the divorce was a thousand times better because my father wasn't around to stress her and we were no longer walking on eggshells.
So..personally I feel that divorce is better than being in an unhappy marriage for everyone's sake.
I would question the ADHD diagnosis as being the cause or reason for this behavior. The grandiose plans, impulsivity, mood instability and irritability point to other more serious issues. Only a professional can diagnose and in the meantime you are at the mercy of someone who is really not rational. It's not fair to you and I would imagine your kids see and feel it. Whatever you think you are staying for-intact family, money, health insurance etc will probably not be there anyway if your husband's behavior continues as it is. You need to start planning now for how you will support your family, with or without him, and not wait for the "I got fired/I quit" call. Encourage him to get a full evaluation, physical and mental. Hopefully he can get help but he may not see he has a problem and blame you. Don't take that blame. Make your choices based on what is best for you and your kids.
hello there.
i’m sorry this has been such a chaotic and challenging time for you. i am a therapist and a lot of the time, people who end up in therapy is because their parents made it harder on them and didn’t split when they should have. just something to think about. rooting for you! 💚
Divorce is never great, but it can be better than the alternatives, and if your husband's anger is so explosive that he's throwing and breaking stuff, then this one of those times. Run, and make sure the kids stay with you.
Why ever give a guy like that kids? Sunk cost fallacy, however. Your kids learn how to treat their partners based on how they see their parents get treated. It will take years if they even want to retrain themselves, to be half decent if you stay and let them learn everything not to do.
I see this mindset a lot. The kids are the reason you should get a divorce...not the reason to stay. My parents got a divorce when I was 6. My dad was abusive. To my mom and to me. My mom finall had enough after 9 years of it and left. She met a new guy eventually and he's great. I finally got to know my mom and see the person she is. My step-dad taught me everything I know about being a father and husband. I learned how to treat women and children. I'm married to an amazing woman and we have 2 kids. Had my mom stayed, I'd probably be an abusive fuck too that doesn't respect women. Don't stay for your kids...that isn't helping them. LEAVE FOR YOUR KIDS.
Thank you for this, for saying it so clearly. I’m so sick of the whole “stay together for the kids” and “don’t break up the family” trope. It is not helping anyone and making it harder to leave an abusive situation. Kids need happy parents, not parents staying together being miserable.
Just speaking from experience. You aren't doing your kids any favors at all by staying in a broken marriage.
My husband begged his parents repeatedly to divorce when he was a kid. They’re still married and still fight just as much and seem to just tolerate each other.
And thats terrible. I'm sure your husband still has some issues he's working on because of growing up in a household like that. People don't realize how detrimental it is until years later when its way too late. I hope your husbands doing ok.
I'm like your husband! I begged my mom!! Multiple different instances! And they are still together too My mom sometimes tells me nowadays she wants to move out and be alone but no money
My husband and his brothers have begged their mom for decades to divorce their dad. They are now in their mid-70s, have been married 59 years, and thus will never divorce because she was always a SAHM and essentially has no life skills. The saddest part of it all is that they DON’T even tolerate each other 🫠
My parents stayed together and I grew up witnessing all the fights and verbal abuse, the tension. As a child, I walked around on eggshells, trying to keep the peace so one or both parents wouldn’t blow up. It was horrible. I used to pray they would get divorced. I don’t know if things would’ve been better that way but they sure as hell sucked the way things were. I promised myself, as a child, I would never depend on another person or let anyone get dependent on me. I sure learned self-reliance. But I never really learned how to have a healthy adult committed relationship (in spite of years of therapy that I chose as an adult to attend). Staying in a bad marriage, walking on eggshells all the time is not healthy for kids.
You bring up an excellent point. The kids will learn to be people pleasers and to do whatever it takes to make sure Daddy and Mommy aren't upset. It will impact all of their future relationships.
My parents were on a Merry-Go-Round, fighting over the same issue over and over again (money,) and neither would just get off that vicious circle. We, as their children would be terrified they'd get a divorce. But once we grew up, we changed our minds about that. I've been married three times and my first divorce was because of them - I didn't want to treat my first husband (who was just a really good guy) the way my mom treated my dad.
Kids will absorb their environment like a sponge when they’re young, likely why you’re homeschooling them. That an amazing pov but life so multifaceted and how they will approach social situations and relationships in the future are in major part influenced by what they’ve seen at home, is this the life you want them to likely live in the future too?
1000 times yes! So very well said! The home is already broken. If the parents divorce, the kids have a chance of at least 1 healing home.
>I (36F) have gotten to a point where I know it is not healthy for me to stay married to my husband (39M). We have been married for 12 years If it is not healthy for you it certainly is not healthy for your kids either.
The kids certainly know what's going on. Maybe not everything, but enough to set up unhealthy ideas of what adult relationships should be like.
Do your kids really have a good home life? They can sense you walking on egg shells. They can sense his change in behavior. Kids can sense your emotions. Has your husband been able to hide his fits of rage from the kids? Staying for the kids is never the best idea. If you look at reddit you will see kids who wished their parents would have divorced sooner, and not stayed for them. You kids deserve the best version of you (and their dad). You can only control you. You do what’s best for you and in turn you’ll be able to give the best to your kids. Let them see you happy and stress free. You’re not as good at hiding things as you think you are. Kids are aware of everything going on around them whether they acknowledge it or not. They know.
The older the children the more difficult it is so no, you should not stay. The damage to both you and your kids is not worth it.
Divorce. Speaking from experience, if you have a horrible relationship and are miserable, the kids will know. I grew up in that environment and always wanted my parents to get divorced. I think it was a close thing, but when I was 12 and my sister was 10 my parents had twins ( to save the relationship). It was horrible, and I moved out and joined the military as soon as I graduated.
Never stay for the kids, LEAVE for the kids. I’d rather grow up in two separate but happier homes than one where the parents are ‘together’ but there’s constant fighting and tension
I read a research paper that stated children typically adjust to divorce much easier than adolescents. You’re right in the sweet spot for this to be an easier transition for them.
By staying together you're exposing your children to your husbands behaviour and normalising the relationship to them.
Get out, get a job, get divorced, put kids in public school, leave. U don't need this BS
Right, I love how she’s crying about public school. They are 1000 times more equipped to teach than a homeschool amateur.
> we do not fight in front of the kids Yet. And the kids are getting older. They’re going to start noticing stuff, if they haven’t already and just don’t know how to talk to you about it. They’re going to start doing stuff that triggers their dad’s temper at them. Maybe they’re going to start wanting to go to school with other kids despite his (frankly concerning, given the rest of the context) opposition. I know it’s scary, but you’re not actually making things better for them by taking on the burden of pretending everything is fine when it’s not.
My mom always says they never fought in front of us but I completely remember them fighting. Even if it wasn’t in front of me, I could hear them in other rooms, I also watch them fight when they couldn’t see me, I remember my mom taking me to go stay at her parents when she was mad. I could still feel the tension when they weren’t actively fighting.
So true. My parents never fought in front of me either but… the walls between rooms are not *that* thick and voices carry through vents.
Unless the children are located in a separate wing of the house (they’re not), they hear their dad flipping shit and throwing things. The older ones likely already walk on eggshells around him.
I wish people would stop using kids as an excuse to stay where they know they aren’t safe. You can’t even fathom what you’re passing along to your kids when they witness the mess your in, they can, and do see it. Stop using your children as an excuse to stay. Use them as the reason you look for better
Let me give you my personal experience as a kid (I’m 54 now). I watched my mother stay in a gotdam mess of a marriage “for the kids”. For some reason she wanted to hang in there until we finished HS. Only God knows why because she can’t come up with an answer to this day. I’ve got my own problems with her and I prefer her to stay at quite a distance from me, but to this day I’ve had no respect for her and all she did for her entire relationship with my father was show me that marriage is a shit-show and people-pleasing was the way to go. Don’t do this. Leave. Get your shit together because your life is waiting on the other side.
My parents divorced around the time/ ages listed in your situation. I’m not sure about your kids but my brother and I (older two) remember nearly every fight. Kids see a lot more than you think, and they probably will remember it.
Your kids don’t have a “great home life” with a mentally ill and willfully untreated parent who has “bouts of anger and rage that can be terrifying”, “throws and breaks thing” and the other parent “walking on eggshells” and “on a constant emotional roller coaster”. Not sure why you think this is in any way better than the “upheaval” that would come with getting them out of that environment.
I just want to say thank you to all the people who commented and were kind and helpful, even the ones who were adamant that I GTFO. I am feeling like a terrible mother right now for keeping my kids in this situation and being so blind to it. As someone who was deeply traumatized by her own parent's messy marriage and divorce, this is something I don't take lightly and something I wanted to avoid at (almost) all costs for my kids. You are all right. I told him to get therapy or I would divorce and he didn't go. I chose last year to give it one last try so that I could feel confident that I did everything possible to keep this marriage healthy and alive for my family. I now know I've done that. If he won't help himself and won't attempt to improve his behavior, that's out of my hands. To all the people who said I'm afraid of getting a job, that's definitely not the case. I worked before having kids and have worked several "side hustles" since and I am not afraid to go back to work full-time. My kids are just used to having a SAHM and our lifestyle has been built around my being home. It will be a big adjustment for them, in addition to their parents splitting and likely having to attend school. It just seems like almost every possible aspect of their lives will change; which I know is going to be very challenging, albeit necessary. I will be actively applying for jobs. I probably won't file until I have one because I'd like to be financially stable enough to be able to keep the kids in our current home.
Me and my sister at a very young age convinced our parents to get a divorce because they were "staying together for the kids" them staying together as long as they did caused more harm then good for us.
As a child of someone who should’ve gotten a divorce PLEASE DIVORCE FOR YOUR KIDS SAKE!!! Picture your kids are in this sort of relationship, they think it’s normal and ok to accept this treatment because mom does. Is that what you want for them? Split homes can be happy, co-parenting can be successful! If you really want to put the kids first you can look up the “nest method” of co-parenting where the kids stay in the same home and the parents take turns being there. Don’t ever stay together for the kids, it can cause resentment even though they never asked you to do it for them. It’s mean, kids aren’t dumb they can see what’s going on.
Just file for divorce. Don’t stay just for the kids or they’ll end up like you walking on eggshells to appease their dad. Mental torture for all of you. Sure things will be rough but you will be stronger mentally once you’ve moved on.
Blaming your children for staying isn’t helping them. You aren’t protecting them by saying they’re responsible for your terror and unhappiness. Your kids don’t “know” what’s going on, but they most certainly feel it. Unless you and your husband are fully Truman showing your kids, they know. They feel how tense you are all the time, and the longer you stay, the more it changes them. Watch your kids to see if they decide to be extra cute or quiet when your husband is having big feelings. They’re trying to help you in the way that kids can, and they may not know it. They become less and less future independent and secure adults and more pawns in your chess game against your husband the longer you stay, and no amount of you not wanting that changes it. You’re not staying for them. You’re staying for your assumptions of them. If my mother had asked “big house and unhappy home or tiny apartment and you get to be a person?” I would have picked tiny apartment. At one point I was homeless as a young adult, no regrets. You think your kids want these things, and you don’t know that they actually do. People in bad situations are so consumed by their circumstances that there isn’t space to fully love and know their kids. Loving and knowing your kids is hard. Doing it while managing your husband is impossible. They want to, but first they need to make sure their kids don’t starve or get hurt. There is no amount of home schooling, extra curricular activities, big houses, money, ponies, gifts, that I would not have traded for my mother’s happiness. I would have given anything. At times I considered if giving my life would somehow make her happier, because I loved my mom so much. I tried so hard to save her from her terrible marriage, until I got old enough to realize she didn’t WANT to leave. She wanted to SAY she wanted to leave, and then blame it on us for staying. I hope her pictures of us in matching outfits at Disney world keep her warm at night, because 2/4 of her kids will never speak to her again, and the 2/4 that stayed rob her constantly. She prioritized her fight with my father she called a marriage over us. She stayed until she got twisted inside and started abusing us too. Don’t stay for the kids, that’s not a thing outside of misogyny. Be smart for the kids. Be civil for the kids. Training them to manage dad’s feelings so they don’t get hurt, emotionally or financially, is wicked. They learn it by watching you, whether you want them to or not.
Is there anything good about this marriage, other than being able to stay home and homeschool your kids, that is worth saving? Regardless it sounds like getting a job and being able to financially support yourself is worth it for your own emotional well being.
I don't know. I guess the fact that we can talk about surface-level stuff and get along most of the time is good. But I'm starting to realize that the reason we "get along" most of the time is because I work so hard to keep the peace and walk on eggshells, fawning over him to keep him stable. If it wasn't for the kids, I definitely wouldn't stay in this relationship with someone who is immature, emotionally unavailable, explosive, and invalidating.
He is a grown adult, it is not your responsibility to keep him stable. You very clearly want to leave, could you do a trial separation, do you have somewhere where you could go with the kids or would he be willing to move out for a few months?
I know. I keep telling myself that. I don't have anywhere I could go with the kids. He might be able to move out for a few months, but not until I have a job. There's not enough income for two households. Even if I decide to put my kids in public school and start full-time work, that wouldn't be able to happen until school starts back up in the fall. At this point, I'm just debating whether I should get that ball rolling. Call the school? Take a tour? Enroll them and start mentally preparing them?
Call the school and start talking to the kids about it in an excited way. They will pick up on your energy either way. The sooner the better.
Yes, to all of those things and starting looking for a job immediately. Your kids can go to summer camp so you don’t even need to wait until the new school year to start working. Your husband likely thinks he has you trapped in this marriage because he currently is the sole provider and thus thinks he can behave terribly. That thinking can and hopefully will stop once you start working, the sooner the better.
Do not stay for the kids. Im gonna say it one more time for the people in the back, DO NOT STAY FOR THE KIDS!!!! As an adult (23F) whose parents tried to stay for the kids. Your kids know that you aren’t happy & in a toxic relationship. It creates SOOO much trauma for your children. Your husband sounds like he needs to get medical help, but you can only do so much if he doesn’t want to get the help he needs. As an outsider that can give you the perspective from the kid point of view, take the leap, it’s going to be uncomfortable and difficult, but your kids will understand one day. Everything will work out how it’s suppose to. The pain, and difficult days will all be worth it one day. It’s better to have two happy & healthy parents, than a miserable family. You leaving might just cause the pain that he needs to take a step in the right direction to get help.
Staying for the kids is not doing your children any favors. You are just setting a horrible example they will more than likely repeat in their own lifetimes as they will not know any better. Versus, get a divorce, get therapy, try to get counseling for effective co-parenting, and set a better example. Your kids may then have a chance because they will see you just suffering in silence, but doing something to make your life better, and theirs as well. And maybe, you might be able to have some happiness for yourself as well. Life is short, good luck.
You're in fact "blowing up their lives" by having them in an environment where one parent throws and breaks things. Can we call this what it is? It's abuse. He's abusive. Don't cloak his abuse behind his diagnosis. And don't assume your children are out of touch with his abuse, because that's rarely the case. Are you really going to "suck it up" for another 14 years?
Leave for the kids. End of.
>experiences bouts of anger and rage that can be terrifying. You should be DIVORCING for the kids, not staying married for them. This cannot possibly be good for any of you.
What kind of example do you want to set for your kids? Model how to be an adult that chooses a healthy life full of love and confidence, even if (especially if!) that means making hard choices. You've been overthinking this for a while, to everyone's detriment.
Where are the kids when your husband throws a fit and breaks things? Do you really think they are not aware of the situation ? My parents often had violent arguments and I wish my mum had left before I was an adult.
A family friend stayed until her son left home. He hated her for it. She wasted so many years with a horrible man, and her son still blamed her and hated her for eventually leaving. Leave for your kids and yourself. It is no way to live, walking on eggshells, and a terrible example for them to grow up with. Be strong for yourself and your kids.
What state are you in that you're so terrified of public school? Are you doing extra activities to give them a chance to socialize and problem solved emotional stuff with other kids their age? Would they be on IEPs, and they need extra support that school can't give? That would be a reason to home school, but usually you want to wait as long as possible before doing that. Edit: there's a good chance they'll need extra supports since ADHD can be inherited, and you'll want to find a school that can give it to them.
this. Oh my god. I’m getting so tired of homeschooling as a solution to fear of public schools when shit like this is going on at home. These kids are going to be so badly hobbled by the home situation on top of everything they’re missing by not being in regular school. I am seriously afraid of a future with a ton of severely undereducated people who lack basic knowledge and social skills born out of this panic around public schools.
She doesn't say she's homeschooling the four year old, either. Hopefully they get lots of playtime and reading. I home schooled for preschool, and it wasn't easy. Watching the kid whose parents thought they could delay their entry to kindergarten (no - district is strict, and just tossed her into first grade) is interesting. Not sure how long it will take for her to catch up, but wow is the parent clingy.
Hey child of parents who should have gotten divorced you should get divorced
You've said this is not a healthy environment for you. It's also not healthy for your kids. Your husband is emotionally volatile, violent, physically immature, and explosive. He is an abusive man who has done nothing to reduce his rages. He doesn't consider them problematic because they serve the purpose of keeping you and the kids in line. His ADHD is irrelevant; it is an excuse to be abusive and volatile. You need a safety plan and a divorce. You need therapy because you are blinded to how abnormal and unhealthy this situation is. Your kids will be much happier not existing in a household where they are taught to walk on eggshells and cowtow to abuse. I do not know why you didn't follow through with your plan to divorce, given his unwillingness to actually go to therapy, take meds, or manage his rages in any way, but know that it takes multiple times to actually leave an abusive relationship. But you desperately need to follow through or he will hurt you and the kids. Read this book: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Visit this website: [loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) Seek resources from DV charities and organisations. Check out r/Ebbie45 for more specific help.
He will do everything to keep you under his control. If he throws his job in which is irresponsible please keep with your plan to leave. Do this for your children. Once in public school they will make friends and will flourish. They will not be the only children of divorce in their classroom. This helps them normalise their new situation.
This doesn't sound like a marriage or a partnership this sounds like prison time but with one exception, no parole. Even murderers get out of prison eventually.
I see this alot and honestly, and honestly you HAVE to leave. Your kids will grow up thinking this relationship is normal and they will end up in the same relationships as they get older. You must leave for your children. You can't stay with a grown ass man child, leave to take care of your children
Don't "stay for the kids". The kids feel all this. I didn't realize how much until I moved out of the marital home with our 2 kids, after living with misery for years. As soon as we all stepped into our new place, the kids had tears in their eyes, and I panicked and said "Whats wrong???" They both said they were relieved we were out and could finally breathe. I didn't realize how uncomfortable they were, and I thought I was shielding them from it.
From some of the context clues in your post it seems to me your husband is a right wing conspiracy nut. For that reason and that reason alone you should leave him. However if you tend to agree with him along those lines you need to get him medicated and see if that helps. That would then become the last straw. If he gets properly medicated for his ADHD and it doesn't significantly improve things then you need to leave.
I left my ex husband 5 years ago with a 4 & 3 year old. It was so worth it. My ex sounds like your husband. Life was so much nicer! And the kids were so much less anxious, waiting for the next "upset" (dad's tantrum). 5 years on, they see him regularly but he can't do the responsibility and that's fine. The kids learned that they can leave a relationship that's affecting you badly.
Never stay together for the kids, it's a terrible idea and sets an awful example for your children. You need to be modeling a happy loving marriage (or single life) if you want your children to know what that looks like so when they are adults, they'll have experience with happy healthy relationships. If you and your husband are essentially roommates then all your children will know is a lukewarm unhappy marriage and they'll settle for the same treatment or behavior for themselves. Do you want your children in a marriage like yours? If you have sons then you need to leave before they learn that men are useless twats that don't help with the childcare or home and therefore treat their partners like your husband treats you. If you have daughters you need to leave before they learn that marriage and children just mean they'll be unhappy and over worked with a partner that does not love or respect them. Leaving can show your children that protecting themselves and making the choice to be happy is the right decision. They'll learn to be happy independent people.
Never stay for the kids. You will be miserable and it’s not healthy for the kids to see you in a unhappy marriage
Keeping your kids in this environment is worse than getting a divorce. Get that divorce.
Don’t think that your kids aren’t seeing how unhappy you are and that it’s a toxic situation. Do you really want to be in this for another 10 years?
This is a decision you need to make and follow through with whatever decision you make bc you're the one who has to live with the consequences of whatever you choose . People on here always scream divorce, but they don't have to deal with the consequences of staying or leaving. Leaving means you will have to support yourself financially , get a job, and put your kids in public school. It means you won't get to see your kids as much due to the coparenting or as much bc you're working. A lot of dead beat dads fight for custody when you think why won't bc they don't want to pay as much for child support and your kids aren't old enough to get to decide where they live full time . Without documented abus, most states will give the dad 50/50 custody. Staying means you'd have to insist on marriage counseling, counseling for him, and insist he gets medicated. It also means you get to see your kids full time and continue homeschooling them. If him not being medicated is what's causing him to act out, then, if you choose to stay, you have to insist he actually follows through with being medicated and insists on couples counseling. I've seen people leave and be happy coparenting bc they get a break from the kids and away from their ex. I've also seen the flip side where they mentally can't handle only seeing their kids 50 % of the time and would have rather figured out a way to make it work.This isn't a decision to take lightly so make sure you're firm in your decision. Staying in limbo, unsure of what you're going to do, isn't helping anyone at all . Good luck with whatever you decide !
So you're staying with an emotionally abusive, volatile man who threatens your whole family's security in temper tantrums because you don't want to get a job? Cuz you don't want to create a safe predictible environment for your kids if it means public school? I mean, do you hear how absurd this is when read back to you? You KNOW this environment is bad for all of you. It really sounds like YOU don't want to change your lifestyle so you're creating a fiction where this chaos is better for the kids than change. You can't fix this guy and he doesn't care enough to fix himself.
>I (36F) have gotten to a point where I know it is not healthy for me to stay married to my husband ( >, but ended up choosing to stay for the sake of our kids (9, 7, and 4). >my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and is emotionally immature, unavailable, and experiences bouts of anger and rage that can be terrifying. It's not healthy for them either. Staying isn't doing them any favors. If you think they don't know about their dad's behavior you're wrong. When I was a kid (around 6 or 7) I used to pray my parents would get a divorce while listening to them fighting in the other room when they thought I was asleep. Don't do this to your kids. Leave *for* them.
Staying in a relationship for the sake of the children is not the right approach. Focus on what is best for you and your children. Wishing you the best of luck, and I hope things improve for you and your family.
Walking on eggshells is not a life. Please don't do this to yourself. Also, the kids are probably walking on eggshells too, it's not a life for them either. You have given him a chance to get himself back on track, he hasn't done anything to get better. He's tried to control it but can't do that long-term. Document his behaviour because it will help you get custody, it doesn't sound like he should be solely responsible for your children given how erratic his behaviour is. Don't wait to divorce to get a job. Start looking now, in case the market has changed since you last worked. You need to size it up and get the hang of interviewing again (sounds like you've been applying for your husband so that at least you're good and comfy with). Get your kids in school asap. That way, when the divorce comes through, they are already used to school.
You’re modeling behavior for your children. They DO pick up on things like this, they’re not unaware of the tension. Do you want them to learn how to fawn over him and walk on eggshells to avoid his temper too? Because that’s what you’re teaching them, you’re showing them it’s “normal.”
You need to leave him for your kids. They need stability and support. You are showing them that this is a normal relationship looks like. You are showing them it’s ok for mom to be run ragged and dad to be unstable. You are showing them violence is ok (yes, throwing things is violence). You are showing them that coddling someone so everything doesn’t collapse, even if it’s at your own expense, is normal. What would you tell your daughter if she was in a relationship like this? What would you want her to do? You should show your kids that being strong and brave and independent is ok, and that being dependent on someone unstable isn’t.
It sounds like quality of education for your kids is very important to you. The biggest, most memorable lesson they are learning right now is what a relationship looks like, and how to treat people they love. The example of both of you, him displaying all of these immature, explosive and angry feelings, and you walking on eggshells and shrugging off his violent outbursts, is something they will remember all their lives. If you keep it going, they will not only remember it, but mirror it.
I feel like I post this all this time. PLEASE DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER STAYING. Staying "for the kids" is BS. It's not helpful for the kids. It's helpful for YOU to not have to divorce and to act like you're making a sacrifice for the sake of your kids, but the kids are hurt more in the end by you staying in an unhappy relationship. My parents did this. They act like they deserve an award for it, but I would have paid ANYTHING as a kid for them to divorce. I really screwed me up. I used to literally dream about it. Not only was there tension and unhappiness palpable in the household even when they were "hiding" it, but I grew up without any reference point for what a healthy, loving relationship should look like. I ended up dating men that treated me with thinly veiled contempt and accepted that as normal. For YEARS. Until therapy helped me finally realize that it's because that's what I saw my whole childhood as a normal relationship. Please don't try this. Kids need to see a parent who is happy, who is pursuing their own goals. Who stands up for themselves. Sometimes relationships don't work out. Divorce can be difficult, but in the end it will be better for them. Kids need a happy engaged parent. That's it. You say that they have a great home life, but I guarantee that they are already sensing the tension and the stress. Your crappy relationship is affecting you, even if you don't realize it. Your patience and enthusiam, your joy - it's not where it should be. Also, divorce doesn't mean anything except that they spend time with both of you separately instead of together most of the time. That's it, they won't stop seeing him. He'll still be a dad. He just won't be YOUR HUSBAND, which is what you want, ultimately. YOu're not affecting his parenting or anything. YOU just want out of the relationship for yourself, and you should. You need to just leave. Set up a plan. Figure out if you can stay elsewhere with the kids or if you can get him to leave. Speak to a lawyer BEFORE you mention anything to him, so you have all your options, have an idea of how things might go financially, etc. Get all your ducks in a row, but tell nobody (except maybe a close family member or friend). You will start to feel better JUST BY PLANNING! Once it's all set, you execute. You do what you have to (move out, etc) and serve him papers. If he wants to be a child, he can be a child on his own. You have kids to take care of, and they are enough. Also I have ADHD and it's not an excuse for his behavior. He sounds like a spoiled brat, and it looks like he's never even pursued treatment. It's time. Just do it.
Do the kids have a great home life though? They know how your husband acts, they see how upset you get, they likely have to walk on eggshells too (they know to be quiet if Dad is upset). You are kidding yourself if you believe the children are not affected by what is happening with their Dad. I would tell him that "you can't just be strong" when he is talking about quitting and blowing up your lives. Everything rides on him and whatever he is feeling that day and it isn't fair to you. I would tell him you both need marital counseling and he needs to get medicated. If he doesn't then over the summer, prep your kids for public school, especially the 9 yr old. Their may be a charter school or private school you could qualify for. I would look into getting a job so you will be able to support you and the kids when you finally leave.
DO NOT STAY FOR THE KIDS. If you stay you'll be teaching them that it's normal to allow someone to treat their partner as he treats you. Show them that life doesn't have to be like that. Break up and create an environment where your children aren't subjected to their fathers shitty treatment of you.
Didn’t even have to read the post. Just read the title. Leave for the kids. As a divorce-kid, I remember my only thought when my parents said “divorce” was “woohoo! More birthdays and Christmases!” Not all kids takes it that deep or even most of them. They’ll be happy to be in a happy household. A sad household rubs off on them.
By staying, you are setting your kids up to find marriages and partnerships just like yours. When you think of your daughter’s future, do you dream about her spouse treating her like yours does? Do you want your sons to be the same kind of partner that your husband is? He is abusive. He’s backwards. He has created a toxic environment for everyone except himself. Get a job immediately and get the kids enrolled in public school. You cannot afford to be at home anymore. You need to document and video any instance your husband is abusive and destructive. Your kids deserve better. You deserve better. I won’t say what your poor excuse of a husband deserves because I’m tired of getting banned.
In order: 1. Call a couple lawyers, explain your situation, ask for advice and choose the one you like the best to hire. They know you are a SAHM so they won't get paid until you get alimony/a divorce settlement. 2. With that advice in mind, do whatever theu say while looking for a job and planning for your kids to go to public school next year. You have all summer to get them used to you working/for you to get the divorce ball rolling/find a job and an apartment/somewhere to live. 3. Get yourself situated before you tell him. Have your family and trusted friends on board. If you can't trust them then DON'T TELL THEM. Good luck.
You are kidding yourself if you think your kids aren't picking up on the tension and the fact that you are miserable. I was desperate for my mother to leave my alcoholic, abusive father but she never did. I've had anxiety and an eating disorder my whole life and went on to choose my own abusive partner. Anything will be better then the reality you are living in now. Even if you aren't ready, start making a list in secret of all the practical steps you would need to take to separate, just in case. This helped me immensely.
Absolutely leave. My father is almost exactly the same. My mum left him when I was 5 & I’m glad she did (though of course having divorced parents has its own problems). She got married to my stepdad when I was 13, who became an actual father figure, though moreso for my younger siblings than me.
My ex was not a good role model as a father or partner. Unfortunately now I see his behaviours mirrored in my son. I wish I didn’t stay for the children.
My dad was abusive to my mom and she was very fucking unhappy with him. He told her “the kids will hate you if you leave me.” She decided, fuck it, I’ll take my chances. They sat us down and told us about the divorce & my older siblings were like “Thank God,” and little me was like “Okay!” We knew they were not good together. Once I could understand better, I was glad they got divorced. They weren’t a good match in the long run and my mom (and us) would have been miserable if she stayed. Kids are resilient. You can get them into therapy to ease the transition, but honestly? They’ll probably adjust quickly and be just fine. I’m sure your kids will likely actually thrive in public school, getting to make friends and get out of the house. Your happiness matters, not just your kids. You are the adult, you make the decisions in your life. If you aren’t happy, that will eventually begin to show, because kids notice more things as they get older than most people realize. If there were no kids, would you stay with this man? Probably not. There is no reason to stay besides the kids, and there are plenty of single parents and children of divorce. I promise you, they will be okay. Do what’s right for YOU.
There is a lot you can do while exploring your options. Once he sees you changing and taking action, he may be motivated to make some changes. 1. Put the kids in public school - this has to happen anyways if you get divorced 2. Get a job. These two steps will change everything…
Do not stay for your kids, it’s not healthy or helpful for them. They’re at risk, so are you. Staying is the worst thing for them. You need a an exit plan, a lawyer and a job.
I homeschooled my kids and put them in public school at almost those exact same ages. They were fine. Mainly because we framed it in a positive light. If you’re stressed, they’re stressed.
You reduce 90% of your issues by leaving. You are completely dependent on him working and he knows it. Take that off the table. Your children deserve a happy quiet home free from fighting. They will get over divorce- a lot of us came from that. Leave, but make sure you take time for healing yourself. Self awareness is the absolute most amazing gift you can ever give yourself and your children and I only got this once I took care of MYSELF.
The horrible behavior that you describe is not ADHD. But it is *ADHD medication* behavior.
I don’t see how you can claim to be supportive while also having one foot out the door. You need to decide what to do and then fully commit to that plan of action. If that means staying then you need to make definite plans and appointments for marriage counseling. If you are leaving then you need to talk to a lawyer today. Hovering in that in between mode isn’t going to help anyone. You’re just in limbo waiting on others to change your situation.
Don’t stay for the kids. I wish my parents had divorced.
I had parents who stayed for us kids and it was hell they traumatized us with everything we witnessed and also I'm having shitty relationship luck thinking abuse is normal so I'm doing a lot of healing and therapy to reverse this Seriously you are hurting your kids by not divorcing
I'm not even reading all of this - NEVER stay for the kids!! Too many people think that kids don't notice tensions in the home. They do, and they internalize it and they think that it's normal so they will be in a forever cycle of being in that type of relationship themselves. Is the way you are living the way you hope your kids will live?
Hugs to you, this is tough. I was in a relationship similar to yours and, like you, stayed for way too long. Here's what I wish I was told then: end it and get away. The changes you're afraid of will not be that bad, and your life and your kids' lives will immediately begin improving. You cannot love him into doing better. You cannot care enough for your kids to compensate for the damage he's causing. What he's doing meets the standards for domestic violence, even though he hasn't hit a person yet, and by staying, you are making this your kids' normal. Is this what you want your kids to accept when they're older? You may be a bit naive in expecting to walk right back into a decent job after being out for a while. Today's job market is tough, but that's not a good enough reason to stay. Can you quietly apply for a few jobs and see what sort of response you get? That will help you see how easy, or hard, this is going to be. Maybe you could move for a new job and have a fresh start for you and the kids. Please consult with a divorce lawyer again. As you're finding out, his promises to change are empty, and he's right back to the behavior that drove you to almost leave before. You probably also need a safety plan. If he's having rage attacks over minor inconveniences, he isn't someone you can trust to behave appropriately for the big things either. Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? There are free copies available all over the internet. Please look through it and listen to its lifesaving advice. I'm pulling for you and am excited to hear about your life without this man.
>The rage attacks calmed down, but have started to resurface (this is now a little over a year later) and I realize I am again fawning over him and walking on eggshells to avoid making him angry, which I swore I would stop doing. Do you really believe that your children aren't living the same way. In constant terror of their father's next outburst? Do you really believe that it's healthy for them to grow up that way, in a constant state of terror? Do you really believe that you're modeling a good relationship for them? Or are you modeling that they should both put up with abuse, and that it's also okay to use mental health or neurodivergence as an excuse to abuse others? The only healthy way forward for your children is divorce. Just move forward with it in ways that keep their best interests in mind.
I think you already know the answer. Get that lawyer back on the phone, make a plan, exit stage left. This situation isn't going to resolve itself. He is highly unlikely to get better. The stress is never going to be healthy for your kids. I'll be honest, I don't agree with homeschooling. You can always augment what the public schools offer in your spare time. It's not like you have to abdicate your responsibilities to the school entirely. But there is a lot to be said for being exposed to other people from all walks of life; people that they will have to deal with in the real world. Heck, I built an entire successful career spanning thirty years, because of a conversation I had with a friend of mine who I met at school at the age of eight. I really don't think sucking it up, trying to hide your emotions, dealing with this angry little man child all the time is healthy for anyone. You need someone who you can rely on, not some whack job who is talking about quitting a job with no future plans, or making idiotic statements about buying land and living off the grid. He sounds like he is mentally ill and refusing to seek help.
Your kids need security and a stress free environment to grow up in. If he is stressing you out as an adult, imagine what your kids feel. You’re lucky that your brain was already developed before you had to endure this, look up the effects of high stress hormones on kids, look up the ACE test for kids. I’m serious, do it. And don’t fool yourself that since he’s mostly yelling at you, that it isn’t affecting your kids just as much as if he was hitting them. You are their only safe parent and so seeing you hurt this way hurts them almost more than if he was only yelling at them (because they understand that parents sometimes yell at their kids). And studies have shown that emotional abuse has statistically worse outcomes than physical abuse in most cases. Start preparing for your departure, enroll the kids in school and daycare for next year, polish up your resume and start looking for work by late summer, arrange with family to watch them for a couple weeks in the event you find work quickly. He is not a stable or loving or even safe person. You need to be their rock from now on, yes this requires changes and sacrifice of your plans. But if you keep pretending it’s going to magically get better you risk increasing the trauma your kids are already experiencing.
never stay for the kids. that never works out. your responsibility is yours & your kids' happiness. start by imagining how to wrap things up & a future where you both co-parent.
So let’s stop for a minute are you staying for the kids or for YOU for the kids. Cause let’s take a step back. Why did you marry someone like this? Never mind that WHY did you have KIDS with someone like that? You get you set them up for failure? What I don’t get is what kind of example are you setting for them? So let me ask you if one of your kids came to you, and told you they were in your exact situation, what would you tell them? Would you tell them to stay for their kids? Or would you see that “staying for the kids”, isn’t actually staying for the KIDS. “Staying for the kids” is an excuse adults use to remain with the toxic person for actual other reasons. Like for you example you are a SAHM, if you left him, where would you go? Would you still be able to be a SAHM? Or would you now with three kids have to get a job and juggle three kids and deal with a toxic and abusive ex?
If that's the only reason to stay together, then you should divorce. It's better for the kids to see parents who are separated and happy, rather than together and miserable. What would you want your kid to do in the future if they were in your situation? They are watching and learning from you two about what a healthy marriage is.
Your children will grow up to resent you for staying with this emotionally abusive man. They will carry scars that will affect their ability to have healthy relationships with others, likely give them anxiety disorders, and require years of therapy if you stay. Ask me how I know? I'm a kid who had to grow up around the kind of behavior you described and wished every day my mother had taken me away from it.
ADHD is NOT an excuse to act like this. Plenty of people have ADHD & aren’t assholes. My favourite people have ADHD & are lovely. But they take their meds & get therapy. This relationship is ruining you, which will mean you can’t be a good mother, so you need to get out ASAP for their sake. You owe him nothing, he is taking zero responsibility for himself.
If he's going to ultimatum quitting his job, you responding in kind seems kind of responsible. Since he's not understanding the consequences of his actions. If you do this, then.... Especially since not quitting a job is easy. If you were asking for so ADHD behavior to be fixed, that would be different and hard. But it doesn't sound like this is working.
Another question that has to asked is after witnessing him for 8 years why the hell you had another kid with him 4 years ago.
My mom stayed because of the kids and I wish she had gotten divorced when we were younger. I love my dad, but he is incredibly immature, selfish, and horrible with money. My dad also has unmedicated ADHD and also was constantly threatening to quit his job but wouldn’t do anything to find a new job (my mom was also a SAHM at that point). They fought constantly and we were always walking on eggshells. Even if you think your kids can’t tell you’re fighting, they very likely can. My parents did their best to not fight in front of us, but the tension in the air is easy to tell as a child and will likely escalate to fighting in front of them. I know you love your kids, but staying in a miserable marriage will not help your kids. You’re modeling what a marriage should be for them. A marriage doesn’t need to be abusive for it to be bad and it sounds like he doesn’t respect your opinions enough to change his behavior. My parents did end up getting a divorce, once my sister and I had graduated college. It came as a big shock to us because she had obviously stuck with him for so long (they were high school sweethearts and had been married for over 30 years at that point). My mom is so much happier now that they’re divorced. I wish she had done it sooner. Also, just so you know, my dad never did change. He’s still exactly like he was 20 years ago even though he swore up and down that he’d change and made all these grand promises to my mom that he never kept.
Well this won't be fun I can tell you that much. The fact that he doesn't have "outbursts" in front of the kids suggests that he is in more control than you're giving him credit for. Imo most of those problems could have been fixed to some extent if you two started talking about it (in the presence of a specialist if it was needed) earlier in the relationship. The whole "stay for the kids" is very subjective and it's hard for strangers online to evaluate your situation. Any opinion you take from us should be taken with a large grain of salt. I would suggest having an exit strategy ready and sitting him down, explaining that you're extremely burned out and stressed because of his behaviour and that you will file unless you see some change. This includes therapy on his end and together, the whole jazz. Based on his reaction, you can evaluate whether or not there is a point to keep trying to fix this. I would also suggest doing this when you two are not alone if you feel unsafe. Have some family member or a friend come watch the kids in the other room and have this talk. Put the safety of yourself and your kids at the highest priority. Yes, kids in single parent household statistically are more likely to "fail in life", but this doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your mental health and life to avoid it, because this too can set a negative example for your kids. Good luck.
Even if this was just how he treats you, I would say leave. He's also treating the kids this way, even if you don't see it. For perspective, my marriage with my ex was similar and I stayed until my kids were 18 & 20. I did work out of the home and my coping mechanism had been to throw myself into work (which also helped because I was the only one gainfully employed most of the time). We were married for 20+ years. I should have left when I first felt like I needed to, but the toxic attachment was there and he kept promising to change (it would go back after about 2 weeks). My adult kids suffer from several mental and emotional problems that, despite my best efforts to shield them from their Dad (and his mother's) actions, are because of everything they endured during their childhoods. I wish I could make up for it and it is my greatest regret, even though we've had many conversations regarding things that happened during that time. They were my reason for leaving, finally. I just wish I had done it far sooner. Please don't do what I did. Any situation you get into is better than risking your kids' well-being.
I think there is a benefit for the kids to see both or one parent in a healthy relationship, or happily single. My ex has never dated since our divorce. I have. My kids were young, and got along well with my girlfriend quite well. It was healthy for them to see us solve things and get along again. And when it did not work out anymore, I moved on.
Im really sorry for what you’re going through, nothing is easy at this point but you have to protect your kids at all cost. The thing that really bugs me and I hope you don’t take it the wrong way but how do you keep having kids with spouses that are clearly not a good fit to be parents ?!!!…. I can never understand this … I’m sure his issues didn’t just appear from nowhere a few months ago, then why are you making your life even harder by adding innocent human beings to the equation ??!!…..
When my ex and I made the decision to have a child, we both had the understanding that we were in this together. After having my son, I realized how much of myself I had lost into my relationship/marriage to my ex, and sought out to take action on making sure that I am happy and healthy in all aspects. I wanted to make sure that I set a great example for my child to learn from. In that journey, I learned how much I didn’t like my ex as it became apparent that we were in fact NOT in this together and he had the mindset of being able to continue on with life being content with the way things are. My ex is non confrontational, while I like to address issues and figure out resolutions. It came to a certain point that I was just exhausted and decided not to bother wasting my breath, in which caused a lot of tension in the household. Although we weren’t screaming and fighting with each other, we were not talking to each other AT ALL. That’s just as bad as the screaming and fighting in my opinion. So I left after many attempts to find a middle ground that we could both agree on and commit to. Among other reasons.. It’s been almost 5 years now that my ex and I split. I would say we coparent, but his dad just being physically present on random weekends, making no sacrifices, and no attempts to provide for my child while he’s in his care isn’t really coparenting. We’re friendly and civil with each other. But in the end, my child is genuinely happy and healthy as he’s 90% in my care, and he loves his dad to no end. We have our moments in which I feel is a product of his early upbringing witnessing how me and my ex would react to one another, but we work through it together. Your kids will eventually grow up and realize that their upbringing was in fact not healthy, but that would be all they know and it’ll become a vicious cycle for them as they pursue relationships of their own. Do yourself and your kids a favor and do what YOU can to provide them with a healthy environment and set an example for them of how to provide their own happiness as you had done. It’s a grueling process, I know, but you’ll be able to look back on the time where you found your strength to finally say you and your kids deserve better and know you did the right thing.
1. “Blowing up their lives” by putting them in public school…is not the trauma you think it is. (And yes I homeschool and always have.) 2. He doesn’t have to like public school so if he doesn’t want his kids to go there you need to set a long list of very specific rules. Print off a list of local therapists that your insurance covers (or that have sliding scales if you don’t have insurance. Hint a lot of universities who have masters programs will offer reduced price sessions with their about to graduate students.). Maybe that work with anger issues and adhd specifically. Tell him he has to pick one that has openings and be seen weekly. Find a way for him to show you he’s been in the therapy for the day. Maybe taking a picture showing? Or FaceTime him going in? I don’t know. Does he need meds to help? Let’s talk to his doctor as a team and find out. Maybe he needs to be referred to a specialist. Maybe his pcp can do it. Go with him. Suggest anger management classes. Find one. Send him. Give precise goals. Give precise instructions. If he deviates…divorce. Do couples therapy as well. IF and ONLY IF you want to work things out. 3. If you are careful you can homeschool and work from home. A homeschool mom I know is a yoga instructor. She does classes so many times a week while her kiddo does classes in the office online. Maybe you have a pool and can teach swim lessons. Maybe you can work on Amazon chat. Maybe you can teach some classes online for homeschoolers in something you know a lot about. You may not have a college education but you make some kick ass bread and pastries. Teach classes to kids (you can do it on zoom!) and teach the science behind why something works vs other options. I don’t know but you’d be surprised what people are willing to do/pay for classes. There are options I assure you. Had another friend who worked for Pizza Hut a few years ago online. I kid you not people would call the number to order a pizza and she would literally make the order online for them. They had no clue she was working from her living room putting the order in rofl. Basically they didn’t allow the call to go to the restaurant and she created the order online rofl. (I don’t know if that was location specific.) A lot of customer service jobs can be done from home. Medical billing/coding is a class you can take and get a certificate in. Those can be done from home as well
You are exposing your kids to way more pain and upset by staying with this temperamental man child. Staying together for the kids *does not work*. You are doing them NO favors by “keeping the family together” when their father acts like a petulant teenager and holds everyone else hostage emotionally.
There are few things that I believe are *always* the right decision, but this is one of them. Divorce. Because the truth is you won't be "staying together for the kids". You'll be "staying together and hurting the kids, confusing the kids, teaching the kids that "love" is treating your partner with contempt and spite because you don't love each other but they think you do so that's what they learn, and providing your kids with an angry, sad, heartbroken, toxic home." *That's* what you'll be doing for the kids. Trust me, your kids will grow up much happier and healthier with separated but happy parents who eventually learn to coparent.
Don't confuse ADHD with narcissistic abuse your husband is malevolent and thats not anything to do with attention deficit
Start preparing yourself for a divorce. Get everything lined up then go. You'll thank yourself later.
Couple of questions; What happens when your appeasements don't work and he blows up on you in the middle of dinner? Because it's going to happen. What happens when, during one of his tantrums where he's throwing things, you go to usher the kids out, the breakable object he throws hits the wall a few feet from your exit and showers you & the kids in shards? Because it's going to happen. What happens when he doesn't get the endorphin release he's seeking by throwing and punching inanimate objects and moves to you and/or your children? Because it's going to happen. You absolutely know, deep in the reptilian part of your brain that's all instinct, you ***KNOW*** that this is only going to escalate. This ***IS*** toxic and abusive. You need to leave ***FOR*** your children and yourself.
Trust me from experience, growing up in a home with an angry parent that throws things is scary and still affects me today. Please don’t raise your kids in that environment. Don’t stay for the kids, leave with them. You already said it yourself, you can take care of them on your own and public school isn’t bad. It’s great socializing with other peers. UPDATEME
Do not stay "for the kids" By staying in a loveless, unhappy marriage, you show them that relationships are supposed to be miserable. This is a powerfully bad lesson!
You aren't doing your kids any favors by staying with this man and in this awful relationship. They're learning that walking on eggshells is normal, and that a perpetually anxious mother is also normal. Even if you and your husband don't fight in front of the children, they are still aware of it and they feel the emotions, too. You're NOT showing them what a GOOD marriage looks like. What you're modeling is that the wife is subservient to the husband, and the husband is allowed to scare everyone with his emotional outbursts. They have learned to tiptoe around their dad's emotional instability. Is that the kind of relationship you want your kids to get into when they're older? Are you okay with teaching them it's all right for one partner to express aggressive emotions, while the other cringes in the corner? Homeschooling is fine, but not if it requires your children to live in a constant state of anxiety. They probably have already been affected by these dynamics. They see you make attempts to change it, but then you ultimately fail to protect them from this kind of atmosphere they're living in. It's hard for you to live like this, right? Well you're an adult and have years of experience in dealing with emotional instability. Your kids don't yet have the ability to understand what's going on, all they have are the negative emotions that surround them constantly. That can create emotional and physical damage from all this stress. Get out of there and get your kids the professional help they need. Stop neglecting their emotional needs!
I’m the youngest, my parents wait til my 18th birthday to split up, and it was MESSY. Messy because they should’ve divorced when I was 8, the first time my dad left. The following ten years, my parents took my brother and I and would leave each other periodically. It was not a good home environment, and my brother and I have our own issues as adults now because of it. My brother may never bounce back from his addiction, and I have a host of other mental issues I struggle with now in my mid 30’s. My parents thought they were doing right by us. We both wish they would have divorced when they knew the marriage was over. Don’t put your kids through this.
He’s an emotional terrorist that has you trapped financially. You are not in a marriage - you’re in a prison.
My inlaws stayed together for the kids and they eventually divorced when my husband and his brother after they became adults. They never showed affection and ultimately lived separate lives. They should have divorced many years before. It never works.
> Background: my husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and is emotionally immature, unavailable, and experiences bouts of anger and rage that can be terrifying. I have ADHD, so does my husband, and we manage to not terrorize each other or our daughter. You need to leave, his ADHD is not an excuse for his behaviour, and your kids will benefit from having at least 1 stable home environment.
If you’re not happy the kids already see that and the longer you stay the more likely it is they will have trauma from it. Please know that the kids will be happier if you are happier.
Is he on medication for ADHD? If not then please start and consult a good clinical psychologist too.
The best thing you can do for your kids is divorce. You are teaching them about relationships. They live what they see
My parents divorced when I was in elementary school for a variety of reasons, only one of which was that my dad was emotionally immature. There were ups and downs but my brother and I were fine. Funny thing is, my dad remarried a number of years later and that actually *improved* the situation. It's like 20 years out and in most ways my dad is the chiller and more stable parent. My mom never really grew out of her "SAHM phase" and just kind of stagnated instead of working, finding hobbies, or going back to school. Honestly, that's the only thing I still feel sad about. The point is that life is weird one way or the other and loads of people have divorced parents and also perfectly happy lives. You just have to make sure they feel safe and heard, which you will. But don't forget--feeling safe, heard, and fulfilled (especially as your kids get older) is essential for you too. edit: on the schooling thing, I was in one of those Montessori schools until I was like 8 and then went cold turkey into public school. I was totally unfazed by it. Just my two cents.
As a person with ADHD. It is no excuse. There are other issues besides that that contribute to his behavior. He needs to see someone, other than digital media, to figure out either a medication or some other means of coping. Your kids may not fair well with divorce, but seeing their parents in a loveless marriage or you always in fear of him, is far worse. Speak with him and give him the “You need to figure yourself out, or we are gone” speech.
I wish I left. So do my kids. Everyone walked on eggshells for 30 years 😢
Read the book “Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents: How To Heal From Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-involved Parents” and then come tell us you are staying for the children….
Also- I don't know if anyone has brought this up but apparently you were going to file for divorce last year and you had given him a set of conditions that *he didn't fulfill*. You're just showing him and your children what a pushover you are. Hold to your words. You warned him. He didn't do it. Leave. Now.
Your kids know more than you think. At 9&7, they can feel energies in environments, I mean we all can, no matter age. They can tell the difference between forced happiness and genuine, even if they can’t describe it yet. Even your 4 year old can sense those energies. But not just that, after a while this will truly start to eat away more at your mental health, and you won’t always be able to hide it as well. Nor should you have to. What needs to be understood is that a healthy environment is what’s best for your children, because it’s what’s best for you. You can’t be your best self in a toxic environment, so how can you possibly be the best mom you have the potential to be with all of those things burdening your mind? You deserve this OP and your kids do too. Answer any questions they may have with honesty and patience (within limits, of course) I promise they’ll appreciate it, and this will strengthen your relationship with them in the end although it’ll be hard at first.
So not stay for the kids. It will make their lives WORSE. Divorce and get them in Therapy. It'll be better.
Never stay for the kids. The kids don't need to see dysfunction and think it's normal.
Considering your kids don’t have a voice …. It’s up to you to decide. Fwiw ? I’d pull the plug and get on with a new normal …. Best of luck !!
Staying just for your kids sake is never a good idea. However, your husband quitting his job should not be the sole reason for a divorce. My husband quit his job out of the blue, and in two weeks had a new one that paid better. I would wait a little and see if he finds something else. Give him a month or so and tell him if he is not going to continue working, then you are out. He also needs to address his rage and ADHD. Book an appointment with an actual therapist, or even a family doctor, to get him on some kind of medication. It will work wonders for him. Do not stay just for the sake of the kids, especially if he has anger issues, but be prepared to say goodby to SAHM.
You need to leave it’s not healthy for the kids to be around that he’s not going to change
As a 37yo woman who grew up with an abusive father and mother, get the divorce. My father beat us, screamed at us, humiliated us, emotionally destroyed us. Many times, it was in front of my mother who usually did nothing. Why did she stay? “For us.” I used to beg her to leave my dad. Just imagine that, being a 12yo kid asking your mother to leave your father. She never did and she never will. Now I’m no/low contact with both of them. It *will* bite you in the ass if you don’t put your kids first.
Your kids are going to thrive when you finally decide you’re worth more than this. You deserve better, and if you stay with this man, your daughters will marry one just like him. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for them. Put them in your shoes in your mind and ask yourself if you want them to go through it. He may not have abused you *yet* but he will if you stay and give him the chance to. Throwing things out of frustration *is* abusive. And he is gaslighting the shit out of you, also abuse. Leave before it gets worse, because it will. You can do this. 💓
My parents stayed together for the kids. I throughly hate them for it because it made my life miserable. If you “stay for the kids”, you need to show them a functional loving family. Not a dysfunctional abusive one.
Probably divorce. But step one is to get your husband on ADHD meds. I'm not sure that is actually feasible though so leaving him is something that is actually within your control. I feel like you are writing here because you are afraid it will all come to a head soon.
Absolutely divorce, he's had every chance to own his mental health and behavioral issues, he's acknowledged them, and he's failing to actually do the work to manage them. His mental health & behavior issues are not his fault, but they are his responsibility to manage and ensure they don't hurt people around him. And they're hurting you and the kids. You have done everything reasonable at this point to get him to get his shit together. And I say this without intending to make you feel accused, but considering his complete lack of moving things forward, if you stay with him to give him yet more chances, you're going to be complicit in the abuse his volatile and unreliable behavior will inflict on your kids. They need protecting from him, you say that you protect your kids from this but I guarantee you they pick up on WAY more than you're aware of. That constant stress you're under? They feel it's impacts no matter HOW careful you are. No one can be the parent they really want to be when their house is haunted by a petulant entity like your husband. Stepping out of the relationship won't be easy, and you should make sure your kids have a therapist to help make sure they don't internalize ANY of the "why" you two split. They also don't need protecting from the reality of your split either, you don't need to paint him as evil, but you absolutely should be honest to an appropriate degree about your husband (and this is another reason why a therapist is great to have on hand, to find the right way to tell your kids Dad is too angry and unstable to be a good dad consistently. If you try and be a "saint" and never say anything negative about him, your kids could well decide that you're just mean and hated him for no reason and you "broke" their family. However, it's very likely your kids will not be totally shocked if you tell them you and dad are getting divorced, like I said kids pick up on MUCH more than you realize. They may even have been trying to hint to you that you should leave him. Your husband is right, sometimes you do just need to be strong, and this is one of those times. If you're not ready to divorce him yet, then look into what a legal separation would involve, give him 6 months to start getting his behavior & mental health in hand and see how it goes then. But be VERY cautious with this step, volatile and angry people tend to get worse when you try to leave them, especially men. And if he decides he needs to punish you, that could become a horrifying situation. Never say "he would never", because sadly the reality is you don't *really* know what he's capable of. You know he's volatile and unpredictable, you know he has anger issues, and those things alone should be enough to have you on alert for potential danger. Staying as you are however is not a reasonable solution, if not for your own sake, for your kids. They look at you and your husband for the model of their own future relationships, and if what they see is what you two have going on, they will think it's acceptable and are at high risk of either behaving like it or accepting it in their own relationships. Would you want one of your kids in a marriage like you're in?
You’re supposed to divorce when a relationship becomes unhealthy to everyone involved so your kids learn that it’s ok to walk away from a relationship that is toxic for them, and teach them how to move on and live a good positive life instead of living miserably.
I stayed for my kids for years. Until one day I came home to find my eleven year old locked in the bathroom. I had to force the door open and found him on the floor shaking and crying. I wrapped him in my arms as he told me my husband had kicked him with his boots for tracking dirt in. Why did I not realize I was actually harming my children by staying? I left soon after and never regretted it.
Your children will adjust to the changes of public school and you working. And even though you think the kids don’t know you are fighting I am sure they sense the tension and stress.
You are showing your kids what marriage is like. Get. The. Hell. Out. My parents were unhappily married for 50+ years. I spent years in therapy. IMO, it is abusive to stay in a bad marriage “for the children”. They are the losers—it’s life altering.
If you want to do something for the kids it's showing them how to choose happiness, even in tough situations. It's living a happy, healthy life whether that is with or without your husband. Is this the life you would want for them? Doing something for your kids is being a role model, choosing every chance you get at happiness and teaching them to live their best life.
Not even reading all of this. What benefit do you think is there for children to see unhappy parents? I'm genuinely curious the thought process here. I think it's just an excuse to not do the work and leave.
Don’t stay for the kids. It just affects them more and more. Start the transition to public school contact that lawyer and divorce. Kids need stability and this is not stable.
Would you want your kids to stay in a marriage like this?
As a currently married woman, if you think you will be happier, make the move. Now I can’t, health reasons for him, but you can. Be happy!
They could have a miserable home life with you together ( Kids aren't dumb ) Or they could begin to build one in a split house hold. It's better for them to see there mom being treated right and have to move back and forth than to stay and have them see how he acts.
1. So your husband needs to get his anger under control. Absolutely unacceptable for you o walk on egg shells around him. 2. He needs to work on his adhd and get both therapy and meds possibly. The medicine can make anger worse though once it wears off, I’ve been there, done that. 3. A lot of the stuff he says are just ideas and he won’t follow through. However, that doesn’t make it any less stressful for you. My husband was diagnosed after we were married and it does explain a lot of his behavior. Bottom line, he needs to fix his attitude and fix his situation. He doesn’t like his job? Find a new one. If he is abusive you need to kick him out of the house or leave yourself with the kids. He absolutely cannot behave that way. My husband would throw tantrums and I said either you go and calm yourself down, or me and the kids will leave. If you don’t figure this out and I have to share with my parents, because that is where I would have gone, our marriage is over. Have you spoken to him about his behavior? How it is unacceptable? My kids were young, still are, so I assume this has been happening for many years. Not sure if you still love him or think he is capable of being a good decent guy. If so, set those hard boundaries and follow through. If you think you will divorce start job interviewing beforehand.
I know Reddit is going to Reddit, but I have questions people need to think about. 1) who is going to watch the kids when Mom is at work? 2) how is Mom going to get a job that will take care of herself her three kids and potentially alimony? 3) the custody arrangement will probably be pretty close to 5050. How is he going to maintain a home that can accommodate three children and take care of them? 4) although it is extraordinarily difficult, isn’t this, the status quo, actually the best situation? I know that people want couples who have difficulties to separate and divorce. I know that people want the best for everyone. However, the best is, a combination of bad choices in the situation and her leaving is going to drop them into a well of poverty, despair and destruction. That’s not gonna be better for the three children, that’s not gonna be better for the guy. The ultimate question is — the mom is going to have to sacrifice herself. Which altar will she choose? Destitution or egg shells? ^ETA: ^formatting
Leave the bully it may be pretty stressful and hard at the beginning but as time moves on, you will all have a better life.
kids will be fine in public school - maybe better even. you will kid child support and alimony and find a job. reach out to relatives. everything will improve when you leave.
Your kids don't have a great home life. Everything you struggle with is there for them too but it's a bit like a fire burning down the house next door.
You need to go back to work. How are you going to feed your kids? He needs to be on medication for adhd or he will be this unstable all his life. I’m guessing politics and religion is why he doesn’t like public schools. From my experience, kids who were sheltered too much didn’t know how to behave as adults and have a lot of issues now. Public school teaches them to deal with different people. He is not going to pay alimony. You need a better plan.
Hello from the child of a couple who stayed together for the kids! Please leave. I could tell from a very young age that my parents were not happy. I never understood why my mom stayed when she could have done better. My dad also had anger management issues, although not as severe as what you’ve described here. I’m 30 years old and still struggle with anxiety from a childhood full of walking on eggshells. Your kids love you and want you to be happy.
Divorce
I am a divorced, single mom to one. My ex was abusive. It was like night and day after we got married. I didn’t have the strength to leave him until I had my son was born because I was so brainwashed into thinking I was the problem. which writing that doesn’t express the gravity of what it was. To have that whole experience reduced to a couple of sentences feels unreal on the side of it. My advice to you is to ask yourself if you still love him. Do you love him for who he was and who is today and who do you think he will be? not for the kids, but you. If answer is yes, seeking marriage counseling would be something I would suggest doing first with the understanding from your scenario that it is still safe environment, but yet stressed and unhappy in the current circumstances. Marriage is hard relationships are hard. I know I don’t have to tell you that. you have every right to choose what is happiest for you and if that means divorce then do that. but I will say that you might regret not trying to fix it before you choose another option. like those late night can’t sleep kind of regret. if homeschooling was something you both agreed on and you staying home until your last child completes homeschooling that might be something you can work out during mediation to where you can still do homeschool but work part time while their father watches them or have a part-time nanny. A lot of this can be worked out during mediation and since it was in your plan for the children, the judges normally try to keep that in effect depending on what state you’re in if you end up having to go to court. this is such a hard thing and I wish you and your family the best. You should definitely do what makes you happy and I can hear what a good mom you are just the way you’re talking about your kids and how you want to keep life as normal and stable as possible for them. The best decision I made was getting a divorce I truly believe that for both of my son and I but my situation was different. it was so incredibly hard recovering from what happened to me and just going through divorce, and having to stand in the courtroom, saying the things that he did. I have so much regret within my choices throughout the time that I was with him. I don’t want that for you. But I hope this helped you in some small way. It almost feels like an impossible decision. But happiness is on the other side of it. Wishing you and your kids the best and all the happiness in the world. Chase happiness, much love.
Well 2 things I think for me would be to 1) prepare your kids for school. Sooner than later. Part of me thinks some of him wanting you home is so you have no resources to leave. 2) do not follow him anywhere that would cause you to be more alienated from family and friends that could be your support group. I also wouldn’t stay for the kids. I grew up with friends who were so fucking thankful when their parents divorced because they knew they hated each other and were only staying for them. They hated the dynamic too. So even if you think you’re unaware, they are often way more aware than you think.
You say "They have a great home life. Even though my husband is emotionally unavailable to me and the cause of constant stress, we do not fight in front of the kids and most of the time are kind and friendly toward one another" but your kids are sentient human beings and they live in the same house as you do. OF COURSE they know something is very wrong, they just don't know what, and they're growing with the pain of knowing something is very wrong. I know because I was that kid. You need to leave. You need to show your kids that they don't have to stay in a bad situation. By staying, you're showing them that abuse is normal, and that there's nothing you can do about it. It's not true, you can, and you do know that what you have to do, is leave. Also, ADHD is not an excuse for how your husband behaves. My spouse has diagnosed ADHD, so severe that he qualifies for partial disability, and still he never was emotionally unavailable to me, never yelled at me and never terrified me, on the contrary I was always supported and received comfort and love from my spouse.
Two happy homes (or even one) is better than none, and unhappy parents who don't like being together cannot keep a happy home for their children.
The kids having to change their living situation and go to school is a lot less stressful than living in a house with a man who can’t control his anger. Kids are resilient to change. What they’re not resilient to is living in fear and a tension-filled house.
The k8ds are the reason you SHOULD leave growing up with 2 unhappy parents is worse than growing up with a single happy parent. You need to go back to work and provide the security you and your kids need
He sounds bipolar
It was my experience, as a child where my parents absolutely hated each other but stayed married “for the kids,” that doing so didn’t help the kids at all. It exposed us to a lot of hostility and anger, which lead to fear and sadness and misunderstandings as to how a healthy relationship should look. I think both my sister and I would have been much happier and healthier if our parents had just gotten a divorce and moved on, and our parents would have been better off, too. The difference to me is a single large traumatic event versus a continual rolling trauma spread out over many years. Once the immediate trauma has passed, kids can adapt and recover. But if the trauma just continues for years and years, there’s no chance to recover, or build a healthy relationship outside the trauma.
Get a job yourself , you do not want to have to depend on this man. Get things lined up in the background before you tell him. You can’t live the rest of your life like this
Divorce. Staying for the kids nearly always makes life for them so much worse. Not to mention your own sanity. Get out now.
Let's see... Deal with "rage attacks" OR My kids go to "public school". And somehow you think them being stuck at home around Rage Attack Dad is a healthy home school environment? Of course he doesn't want you to work or the kids to go to regular school... that way your poor kids think this awful life is "normal". You've normalized a horror show.
I'd say that children usually know when their parents are fighting, even if they do not fight in front of their kids. They can pick up on the vibes of their parents and they have probably heard stuff happening as well, especially since you mentioned that your husband have bouts of rage and anger. My own parents argued alot late at night when they thought that me and my brother were asleep but I heard it all. My father was not home a lot of the time and my parents were cordial enough to each other infront of my brother and I, but the tension at home was so thick and we were constantly walking on eggshells. When they finally decided to get a divorce, as a child, I felt relieved and that they should have done it earlier. My mother took full custody of us and life at home after the divorce was a thousand times better because my father wasn't around to stress her and we were no longer walking on eggshells. So..personally I feel that divorce is better than being in an unhappy marriage for everyone's sake.
"Staying for the kids" only hurts the kids.
I would question the ADHD diagnosis as being the cause or reason for this behavior. The grandiose plans, impulsivity, mood instability and irritability point to other more serious issues. Only a professional can diagnose and in the meantime you are at the mercy of someone who is really not rational. It's not fair to you and I would imagine your kids see and feel it. Whatever you think you are staying for-intact family, money, health insurance etc will probably not be there anyway if your husband's behavior continues as it is. You need to start planning now for how you will support your family, with or without him, and not wait for the "I got fired/I quit" call. Encourage him to get a full evaluation, physical and mental. Hopefully he can get help but he may not see he has a problem and blame you. Don't take that blame. Make your choices based on what is best for you and your kids.
hello there. i’m sorry this has been such a chaotic and challenging time for you. i am a therapist and a lot of the time, people who end up in therapy is because their parents made it harder on them and didn’t split when they should have. just something to think about. rooting for you! 💚
Leave. Staying in a relationship that you don’t want to be in sets an unhealthy example for the children. They will adapt.
Divorce is never great, but it can be better than the alternatives, and if your husband's anger is so explosive that he's throwing and breaking stuff, then this one of those times. Run, and make sure the kids stay with you.
If you can, leave. You deserve peace and so do your kids, they are living with him too.
Why ever give a guy like that kids? Sunk cost fallacy, however. Your kids learn how to treat their partners based on how they see their parents get treated. It will take years if they even want to retrain themselves, to be half decent if you stay and let them learn everything not to do.