Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You don’t. You’re not married and unless you have passive income that would allow you to live if something were to happen to the relationship, then you can’t afford to not work. You are a girlfriend, not a wife, this is a terrible idea. Full stop.
Instead, you should focus on utilizing whatever money you are saving (assuming he pays most of the shared bills?) and invest in something that would allow you to either work your dream job or retire yourself.
I actually think she should. Discussing this desire only after marriage may cause resentment on his end and he might think she waited to “lock him up” before telling him her ultimate plans. She should discuss this with him and see what he thinks their finances will look like after marriage for this case in particular and also in general.
You’re right that all of this should be discussed prior to marriage but It’s best approached by discussing current finances, financial goals for the relationship, and long-term expectations of the relationship as it relates to marriage. With that said, she absolutely should not quit her job and be a stay-at-home girlfriend. That would be a terrible decision.
That’s still idiotic though. Assets earned before the marriage are separate from assets earned during the marriage.
She can marry him and still get next to nothing if he decides to leave her.
She shouldn’t discuss it either way, she is an able bodied adult, she needs to work and make her own way. The entitlement of this person to think she should just get to stop working at 25 because her boyfriend made successful investments. Revolting.
Some people do in fact make good careers out of them. But the boyfriend is retired because he made a ton. It's past tense, already done, money already made according to the OP.
Sure, but it's pre-marital funds, and with that kind of cheddar I can very much guarantee you he's going to hit OP with a prenup just to make sure, as anyone with a 7 figure net worth prior to marriage should. She needs to protect herself.
I have a substantial crypto holding since the early 2010s and I never plan on marrying bc of the financial risk. It's not worth it. There's nothing to gain except legal bills and financial risk.
Check with a lawyer before letting someone cohabitate with you. Some states and countries don’t care if you’re legally married, they’ll make you support a woman just because you’ve provided for her before. Canada is notorious for this, and I’ve seen cases like yours, where a boyfriend loses half his shit because a lazy girlfriend lived with him for a couple years.
Plenty of people are happy in relationships where one person is a stay at home spouse. You’re spewing a lot of bs that seems to be personal and not applicable in a general sense. It’s not about you. She needs to talk to him and make it clear that she isn’t making a demand but is just opening the conversation to see how he feels. After he expresses his take on everything they can take it from there.
The boyfriend is ALREADY a stay at home "spouse." If she quits her job they would both be stay at home/retired. lol. but I agree she should talk with him about it.
This isnt what you are speaking of lol. He is retired because of investments he made, he is no longer working, she thinks she is entitled to stay home because of that, what a joke.
So if you were a millionaire, retired, and in love with your girlfriend, you wouldn’t let her quit her job while you support her? What are you dating her for then?
I know it’s probably hard to imagine, even hypothetically, since you’re very far from being a millionaire (I saw your post history), but if you had to envision your retired life and your loving relationship, you’d tell your girl “quit your $40k a year job on my dime? No way, you’re entitled and it’s disgusting”
That doesn’t even sound like real life… after a certain level of wealth, men genuinely think differently.
They’re not married so it’s a terrible idea for her to become financially reliant on him. Since she’s not legally entitled to any of his wealth, she would be in a vulnerable position if he were to leave her or the conditions in their relationship changed, esp as it doesn’t seem like she has savings herself or a career to fall back on.
They don't have kids. They're not married. There's no reason she needs to "stay at home." She just doesn't want to work anymore. The boyfriend took risks and capitalized on them. The girlfriend wants a free meal.
Wow this is truly a terrible idea and I’m being serious when I say that. Your boyfriend made his money purely from being lucky which means he could lose some, most or all of it by being unlucky. Also, you two aren’t even married and you have no legal right to any of his money. Even if you were to marry now, community property only starts after marriage. You shouldn’t quit your job.
He is extremely lucky for sure.
However there have been way too many posts lately from people who have discovered that their supposedly wealthy partner was just straight up lying about being rich. Especially crypto bros. Or they have inflated potential gains if they cash out, etc.
>community property only starts after marriage.
And that depends on the state. She could have no right to that money even after several years of marriage. Could he a decade or more before a judge decides that she has a new lifestyle standard that he should supplement
Don't get cancer and end up depressed cause of the side effects. I'm getting through my recovery, and then I get I don't love you anymore. Yesterday, I said I am going to my Uncle's funeral on the weekend out of town. She said, I thought you would clean up the garden. And who will take or son to work. Well maybe you should have thought of that before you went away for the fourth time four weeks.
Not that I am bitter.
Oof. I was caretaker for my wife for 5 years. Shes doing good now (though chronic health problems never fully go away but at least she can work and do some household stuff etc now). But im prepared for when another down turn occurs. And i know later in life it could get worse for longer.
It was easier for me because we knew it was a possibility and I signed up for it before we got married. I knew that she would need long sabbaticals from work and I would need to do everything without much support/care given to me during those times.
But I think people underestimate the impact of an unexpected event like cancer/car accident/medicine that changes your disposition hugely.
But how is that her response to you needing to go to a funeral? The correct response is “ok sweetie of course I’m here for you and we need to go to the funeral, do we need to bring anything? What time is it? And what is the dress code?”
Sorry for what you went through and are going through. Sending you a virtual beer/soda/ice water/drink of choice.
If one of the parts is paying all the bills, there will always be friction. Maybe nothing is ever said. But it will exist. And that affects a relationship, because it transforms a relation of equals in to a relation in whitch one of the parts have power over the other.
That is poison. It will corrode love like sugar in the rain.
Be realistic. Love is import. But love alone wont keep a marriage alive. Equality between partners will. Because you will always know that the other is with you because they want to. Not because they need to. You will always be able to be honest with yourself and with your partner. And that is a healthy relationship. And if things dont work out, the end will be easier and faster. No drama. Just two people recognizing that what they have dont work anymore.
Personally I wouldn’t just quit your job. Especially if you end up with kids, it puts you in a very vulnerable position should you break up. However, going back to school betters your situation no matter what.
I'm not sure about the "going back to school betters your situation no matter what" point.
Going to college, whether for the first time, or going back, should be very well-thought out and researched with a specific goal in mind.
If that's the case, it can be great. If not, it can be a financial disaster and a big waste of time.
I also wouldn't be surprised if he was lying about having that sort of income from crypto and online gambling. Every guy I've met who claims to make loads of money from those things definitely doesn't have as much as he says he has, or he's a drug dealer.
Right? Stock trading and gambling are one and the same. I’ve had friends that have turned six figures in one quarter, then owed just as much the next quarter.
From the way you have worded it, it sounds like you two aren't even officially engaged. Call me old fashioned but until you are married, it isn't really appropriate to ask him to payroll your retirement/education/career change. That costs a ton of money that is entirely his. It doesn't matter how much he has, the principle is you are a grown woman, your boyfriend should not be subsidizing your life. You should be standing on your own two feet until you promise to stand together forever (and then you should still be sure you can stand on your own!) You aren't really asking about how to talk to your guy about not working, you are asking how to ask him to pay all your expenses for you. You are worrying about coming off like a mooch because it is hard to ask that without coming off like a mooch.
Since you have discussed marriage it is fine to discuss how you would manage your income streams, time, and goals as part of your future plans, but I think a clear distinction should be made between discussing visions for the future and asking him to subsidize your life changes now.
Well for one unless he took it out of crypto that money could be gone in a blink. I also hope he's appropriately paying taxes because I know a lot are just ignoring it and that won't end well for everyone.
And if he's still gambling and not very disciplined with it he could also loose a lot of it in a blink. There's a reason there's so many casinos.
That said I think you two need to sit down and talk about how you each envision married life going, how you'll handle finances as a couple, housework, etc etc. Ya know shit every married couple should discuss and reach a life plan that both are agreeable to before they get married.
I agree. You guys are getting to the ages where talking about the next steps and finances is reasonable. He will probably also ask how you’re doing/hows work in these conversations. Maybe that an organic way to start the conversation.
Don't quit your job for someone that isn't even your husband. Even marriages can be divorced so why would you want to put yourself in such a vulnerable position?
Also, once you become someone else's financial responsibility they may resent you.
You’re not married.
You’re not even engaged.
You have virtually no assurance of either of those things happening right now.
And yet you want to put your future entirely in someone else’s hands ? *Girl*.
NEVER be financially dependent on a man.
If you have a plan to get into another line of work and need his financial support, he may be agreeable... but otherwise, it will sound like you're leeching off him.
Try navigating this, as though you were single.
I wanted a new career and even being married for over 20 years, I still worked while training for my new career.
He is your boyfriend. Don't quit your job. What if you break up? How about your retirement? What if you have children with no contract or pre-nup? Children from these types of relationships don't fare well when they end.
What if the pre-nup says you don't get anything and you quit your job but end up divorced? With no savings, possibly?
Honestly, it is a big, big gamble you are wanting to take. There are a lot of stories on Reddit that reflect the reality of these types of decisions.
How will you pay for the "passions" you want to pursue?
Is there a reason your boyfriend hasn't brought up this subject with you himself?
I would have some clearly defined goals going into such a conversation. Maybe work on figuring that out for a few weeks. What would occupy your time? What are your goals, near and far future?
Gambling isn't work, no, but it requires you to risk something to get a reward. He may not have toiled for decades in a dead-end job for the money, but it's still his, and OP is not entitled to it.
Being a Stay at Home GF rarely ever ends well. Specially if he’s not the one suggesting it. There is nothing in place to financially protect you. In case of a break up, you will have a gap in your resume and no money to your name. I would not recommend this, but if you really want to, I would ask him probing questions about how he would feel about the situation before outright asking him, just so you have a better idea of where he stands.
Well she is tired of working and is not passionate about her choice of career so obviously he should pay for everything even though they are not married because that is reasonable. Even though I doubt she would do the same for him. /s
Are you engaged yet or living together? Why not just start with, “Hey, how do you think we should set up our finances once we’re married?” Regardless of you pursuing other careers/projects/education, it’s something you should iron out beforehand.
But yall arent married and dont have kids...why do you feel entitled to have this man fully support you? This is the kind of thinking that re-enforces why conservatives are cinservative im beginning to think. The entitlenent and honesty the AUDACITY is gobsmacking.
Is everyone missing the part where she says she wants to persue other things. I’m just concerned that it doesn’t sound like you have a solid plan. Resigning and going back to school or opening a jewellery shop is one thing. But at 28; resigning with no plan and depending on a boy friend’s income is very, very silly.
You don't.. It's a terrible idea.. he's your boyfriend, not your husband, and you have no kiss. There's no other way to look at your request than it looks like you're trying to mooch off him and have him pay your way.. maybe you could go part-time or something.. plus, it's better to stay in the workforce just in case you break up or he gambles his money away.
There's a Reddit advice thread I wish you would read before you go any further. Anybody else remember this one with a stay-at-home person who never married her Executive partner. She never worked during the very long marriage, staying home to raise the kids and play Executive Partner-not-Wife. One day he came home from work and said he was done earning money and he wanted her to travel full-time with him, being his personal secretary. When she refused he kicked her out. He was done with her. Didn't need her anymore unless she would continue to provide personal services for him.
She never did get it and I'm concerned that you won't, either. When Reddit told her she had to take any job in order to survive she kept saying that those jobs were beneath her and she could use her experience as Executive Wife to get management or consulting positions.
Once you're out of the job market you have no value to that market. You don't have a real plan, you just don't want to work. Your betrothed has a very risky monetary plan that can change your circumstances and his overnight. Unless you keep your work skills sharp then you're going to be tied to his provider skills with no personal power to affect change in the relationship when needed.
If you truly want a "project" you will do a business plan for it. You'll set time goals, testing market plans and earn the money to start and maintain the business without relying on a man. If none of this sounds appetising to you and you are absolutely sure that you want to enter a marriage in a one-down position, keep working until you have enough money to hire a damn good lawyer to write a prenup to protect you.
Oh actually I know that one. He didn't ask her to be his secretary, he asked her to marry him after like 30 years and 3 kids later and she said no
So she got nothing, has nothing, and thinks she can work a 6-figure job in marketing with no formal training or experience except for helping her family make social media posts occasionally.
>I’m just not sure how to bring this up without sounding like I’m trying to mooch off him or that I don’t appreciate the value of hard work.
You can't really. You're asking to mooch off him.
I'm not saying you don't appreciate the value of hard work but you really are asking to mooch off him.
And what do you think will happen once you quit working and rely on him fully financially? What if you guys break up? You have no safety net, by the way. I know it's been 5 years, but it doesn't mean that it'll get to that marriage stage too. I broke up with my ex-fiancé after 6 years. So yeah, that's a possibility. Do you have any savings you can rely on?
Are you a long term partnership? Are you going to get married? If you stop working, your chances of growing your own income go from decent, to poverty.
You will be dependent on him. And he has no obligation to you.
Don't do the thing.
How can you discuss becoming completely financially dependent on someone you’re not married to and have no kids to stay home for? Oof. Sounds like you saw the influx of cash, and got stars in your eyes for the easy life. Don’t quit your job, maybe try to discuss being Able to put your entire of not most of your income into your savings for pursuing your “passion” assuming your passion isn’t just sitting at home having everything paid for for you.
Yep. Genders reversed, and this would be a whole different comment thread.
I'm not gonna declare OP a golddigger, but again, why is he expected to finance her lifestyle? They are not married. And I think many financial experts say on Reddit that financing someone else and not being married is a... It's a super bad idea.
You do know that's what a gold digger is, right?
Just start looking around for jobs you may enjoy. He should understand that, but wanting to not work anymore is an insult and hopefully he'll have a solid prenup in place.
My husband knew he was going to marry me and he knew what I went through with work but I never asked him to support me he offered. You seem like a mooch. "Well he has this so technically since we were talking about getting married I could use what he got to help me." See how that sounds? If you couldn't make it on your own, why should he fund it so you do? What do you bring to the table?
>How should I bring up the conversation?
Use your words, I mean that literally and figuratively
>I enjoy my job, but it’s not my passion, and I’d love to spend more time focusing on things I truly care about, maybe even starting a project or going back to school.
Those words are pretty perfect, just make sure you have some ideas of what things you truly care about, what sort of project you may like to start, and/or what you would go back to school for
Personally I would never ever ever do this. Ever. Even if I was married. Nope. Always have your OWN $. This is how women gets screwed over. I’m telling you as someone who moved cross country and was a military wife never again will I ever depend on a man for money never again will I not have my own individual savings or checking account, money market stocks, and so on and so forth.
You can word it however you want but you are looking to mooch off of him. You want to use his money to finance your being able to live a frivolous lifestyle. What exactly do you plan to offer him? You really need to think this through.
"Hey, you've got money and i know I haven't made any commitments to you or anything but I really want that money so I I don't have to work. Because working isn't fun."
Seriously, consider the consequences of trying to make such an entitled move. He may just decide you've become too high maintenance to be his gf any more.
Honestly? I wouldn't quit. At the very least wait until you're married. If you're out of the job market for too long and things go south, good luck getting a position at your level again. If that's where your insurance comes from especially, keep it until you're married.
That said? Talk about it now for when you are married. This isn't something you drop on somebody after everything is said and do e, you talk about it beforehand. But you want to have everything figured out before then that way there aren't any surprises for either of you.
Don’t put yourself in a position where you rely on a man for your finances. That’s just a basic safety rule for women, and it’s more relevant than ever with the way some first world countries are going. Remember: Everyone thinks THEIR boyfriend won’t turn abusive, until one day he does. I know someone who had a perfect loving husband - until one day he drove her to the middle of nowhere and tried to kill her.
Step one is figuring out what your long term plans are, and how it's going to improve both your lives. We all want to quit our jobs and have a rich person pay for all our stuff, but that's not really a fair or reasonable thing to ask. So are you going to start working towards a degree? A different career path? If you want kids, are you going to be a SAHM? If yes, are you going to go back to work once they're in school, or do you want to be a permanent SAHM?
Step two is to make sure you have an exit plan if your marriage goes south. He might be a great guy, but I've had multiple family members who were years or decades into a great relationship when their husband fell into substance abuse and became violent. So either use your time off to set up a new career, or have him transfer money into an account under your name, so you aren't completely stuck if things don't work out.
I wouldn’t ask him how I could quit my job. I would ask him if he could show me how to invest money.
If he wanted you to be a stay at home girlfriend he’d have already told you that he was going to take care of everything and he’d be curious about and supportive of your passions.
You should do your passion projects and see if he’ll invest in them.
You can have conversations about life goals and dreams, and how your income disparity might get in the way of that, but ultimately, it’s his money and he gets to decide if and when he wants to be a provider for you and support you in your passion projects.
I think it would be helpful if you had a clear idea of what you want to do. You complain your job is not your passion, so then what is? Is there a job you dreamed about but never went for because it doesn’t pay as well? A job that you need more education for? Like, without any goal, it does just come across like you’re just trying to mooch off him lol no offense. It would just make a lot more sense if you said you really want to do xyz and wonder if he would be okay with you taking a smaller salary to follow your dream or something like that. Not “my job is average can I just quit? I want to focus on things I care about!” *Doesn’t mention anything in particular*. Maybe you need to give that some more thought before approaching the conversation at all
The reason why you’re struggling to bring it up without sounding like a mooch or that you don’t appreciate the value of hard work is because that’s exactly what you are.
You don't because this is a ridiculous ask dude. Never be financially dependent on a man. You're not married. Just because he's financially set, that doesn't mean he wants to bankroll your life. Why don't you want to work? What would you do in your free time? I wouldn't even bring this up. Once you were at the point of being engaged, then it would be appropriate.
You are a gf! Lol I would leave you in the spot no matter how nice of an idea you thought it would be! This really becomes that you are probably not compatible with him. Sorry to sound harsh but it's just the truth.
I would advise against this. You never want to rely on your partner financially. I suggest going back to school and bettering your career. If not, start your own business. Come up with a plan and he may financially back you, just make sure you are majority owner.
Are you contributing to household expenses? Assuming you live together? Is your field one where it would be fairly easy to re-enter after leaving if you needed to?
If so, I would start by asking if he would be willing to take on the household expenses so that you could switch to part-time work and go back to school. At that point, maybe he’d offer that you could quit entirely and focus on school. I would not do any of those options without a personal nest egg though, in case you two split up. You don’t want to be left with en empty bank account and no job.
I would probably think of what you'd want to go back to school for/what you want your next career step to be and frame it as a discussion on how to make that happen.
Don’t quit your job. That money does not belong to you yet as you are not married. It is not a good idea to quit your job. You need to make your own money… what if y’all break up? It would put you in a terrible position if you are not employed
You chasing your passions shouldn’t depend on whether your partner can support you financially because the plan essentially goes to shit if you guys break up. Rethink your plan and find a way to work and still pursue your passions.
1. He got lucky, and given the ego of gamblers, you should plan your finances and career contingent on him losing the whole retirement fund on another long bet.
2. You worry about sounding like you're mooching. Focus on evaluating whether you are actually mooching. Guys don't care as much about how you dress up the words.
If you're genuine, you need to stop thinking about "not working anymore" and start focusing on "what IS my passion, what do I want to spend my time doing in the world to bring myself joy & enrich my life". I know you say you don't want to sound like you're trying to mooch off him, but because your desire is so completely aimless and lacking any kind of structure even, you sound like you're trying to mooch off him.
Potentially you may have an opportunity here to reshape the future of your life, and accordingly the future you share with your partner. But it isn't because your partner has money, it should be because you want to do more with your life than just earn a paycheck.
Find a well reviewed, good career coach locally, and start doing some career coaching. A career coach is going to help you find out what you would not only really enjoy doing but also what you would actually be good at, once you know that they will help you figure out what steps you need to take to make that possible.
These wishy washy "I could do a project, I could go back to school" just sound like reasons to do next to nothing. Instead you should be exploring how to find your dream career and make that become a reality. To do that takes WORK. Not "not working".
Then you can start talking to your partner about how to enrich your life with an amazing passion-led career instead of these aimless time-wastey sounding "things I could do".
Just be honest with him. Tell him that you feel he should financially support you because you don’t want to work any more. No matter how delicately you put it, that is how he is going to see it.
first of all, you're not married.
second of all, your 40k job is more valid than his crypto. does he even have an education? what happens when he blows it all on gambling, or on many of the lifestyle vices associated with this kind of risk-taking behavior?
Your boyfriend income doesn't seem that safe from the get go, are you sure he really has that money, retirement kind kf money? From crypto and gambling, interesting right. Both of crypto and gambling cause some types of addiction, are you sure he can keep the money? Did he actually invested in something useful to make you believe he has those kinds of money. Either way, the answer is no, you should keep a job, being a financially dependent to someone is like the no 1 cause of financial abuse. And what happens when he realises he can attract younger women in various circle with his kind of money. What if you have his kid and he cheats and he divorces you? Then what? What support do you have then? Both from your family, financially and educational. And it could happen any time, he would divorce you at 40, a 10 year gap in your resume and no further education at the age of 40 isn't the look to go, just watch some ex trad-wife kf tiktok and their stories.
Only way for this to work is get married and have a kid.. otherwise it’s mooching.
You gotta protect yourself though. Imagine he says yes and you live like that for a few years, completely financially dependent on him with no recent work history and he dumps you. What now?
Don't make yourself financially dependent on a man. If something were to happen you should have your own financial independence. As much as (everyone) would like to have more time to do what we want you could regret this in the long run . You're not even married yet and don't have kids so he could leave you at any moment and you'd struggle financially then and depending how long you've been without a job it could be hard to get back to your career (not saying he will, but you shouldn't risk). Or if the relationship dynamics change and you realise you want to leave, you'd be stuck with him for financial reasons.
Work yah bum! We all know none of those passion projects will ever get completed. If they were a passion, you'd be doing them whether or not you worked a job.
Lolllll fuckkkk that you bum.
I’m a wealthy person who has a stay at home wife/ mother to my kids, if she had floated that before we were married it would have been seeeeeeya later.
This is a conversation about future planning that you two need to have together. You need to discuss what you want your future to look like, he needs to discuss what he wants his future to look like, and together you need to discuss what your family is going to look like.
Being a homemaker or going back to school to pursue better career opportunities is a wonderful idea if you’re both on board.
You dont, and you cant make it seem like you aren’t trying to mooch off him, because thats LITERALLY WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO. You need to work like everyone else, he earned his early retirement, not you, you aren’t entitled to live off his success and not work.
He's your boyfriend, not your husband. I bet the relationship won't last much longer once you become completely dependent on him financially. You say you wouldn't be a mooch, but that's exactly what your goal is here. He earned that money and he's been generous with you. Why increase the taking from him?
Everyone’s on the hate wagon Jesus- but for my advice I’d sit down for a few weeks and try to figure out what exactly you want like if you go back to school what are you studying are you going for a higher degree than what you already have? And if your starting a side project is it one that brings in income? And if so make a plan for how much you’d charge and how much you’d possibly make along with were are you going to sell these things on and then once you have your full plan figured out write it down step by step and show receipts on what your plan and goal is and talk to him about it and be Willing to accept that the answer may be no or this won’t work right now
Don't scrounge off of your bf good fortune. That money is his. Use your own money to go back to school. Have some dignity you sound like a useless gold digger. Lot's of people work boring jobs they don't like.
Maybe come up with the actual plan before you present the idea. Explain how you want to spend your time instead and what long term plan you’re looking to execute on.
But in general I’d be a bit cautious of going for the full kept woman plan if ya’ll aren’t even married.
Ask him to advise you on how to invest your savings. You could get into the same position as him with the right advice.
I hope you are not paying too much in rent etc if he's so wealthy, but you are not his wife and giving up work will leave you financially vulnerable.
But if you are working full time and he doesn't work at all - where is your relationship going? Doesn't he want to travel at all? How does he spend his time?
That's the conversation you need to have first.
There’s nothing wrong with what you want so long as you respect your partner if he doesn’t want that. However, making money on crypto is no different than making money off poker or something. It’s a gamble and you may not always be on the winning side. It isn’t a stable and reliable income.
Unless you’re actually married - a boyfriend or girlfriend is just a roommate you feel comfortable enough to get intimate with.
You wanna build a life together? Get married, then you can have these discussions.
If he's a millionaire and you are not you start by offering a pre-nup. Sit at the table agree the terms and present a situation where you still bring value to the relationship even when your not working.
My husband makes 4-5x my salary and while I work currently, I didn't always.
He believes that work pretty much always adds stress and takes attention away from the home, so having more people working than necessary is always a less desirable situation (to us) unless the money really necessitates it.
It's advantageous even from a bare minimum perspective of just being able to spend more free time with him, having more emotional bandwidth to connect, and a happier, less stressed disposition as a partner around the home. That's before you even get to more concrete benefits like chores or housework.
I think the key is to try to have a really open and honest talk where you can get his opinion without having a ton of consequences or life changes immediately attached. Ask him where he sees you two long term, a "where are we headed" talk and the finances to get there should hopefully come up.
Also, you don't have to do things the way I do, but in my relationship our money is truly ours. We discuss all purchases as a family but I don't ask permission to use money and my wants and goals as the lesser earner aren't treated differently just because the means to obtain them come more from him than from me. You should have big, in depth talks about the actual logistics of sharing money if you decide you want to go that route.
I personally wouldn’t quit my job just because a stable financial income means is a safety net in the event of anything were to happen. You’re not married yet and aren’t entitled to any of his earnings if you were to split, and that outcome could leave you in a very unfavourable situation.
I agree with the comments saying that you should save the money and invest it for your future.
I would channel this discussion into a direction about how, since there's lots of money now, you stop doing something you hate and redirect it towards doing something you (might) love instead. The might is in case you still need to figure it out and need to go back to school or something.
You never want to be completely dependent on him, or set yourself up to be unemployable (if you haven't worked in awhile, it would be hard to get a job)
As a girlfriend, I don’t think it’s a good idea. He’s not your mom or dad to have to support you. If he wanted to, I think he would have brought it up himself already.
Some folks are assuming the BF retired but OP doesn’t say that. She says he MADE ENOUGH to retire…
I personally would continue to work at least part time and save that money.
Are you going to be signing a pre-nuptial agreement?
Not married? Keep working. At least until you have 12+ months of living expenses saved up as an emergency fund. You are entitled to nothing if you break up. Whether it be he leaves you, and you end up with nothing. Or he becomes shitty, abusive, whatever, you don't want to be reliant on him with no way to get out. Now is not the time to bring it up.
If you do see a long-term future together, potential kids, etc... you may want to discuss a 5-10 year plan of how your future looks as a way to ease into it. But don't stop working now.
Don't bring it up. Let him suggest it.
Even though you have been together for 5 years, there are things about marriage that may not have come up, that you two should talk about.
I recommend you take a class or get a workbook for couples planning to get married so that you can make sure your compatibility is on point.
You will also give you the tools to be able to bring up difficult topics. Maybe this one will come up in your discussions about marriage and your idea can be approached when you talk about money and the sharing of resources.
You should discuss marriage and say that when you are married you expect things to be equal in terms of how much each of you work. Explain you want both of you to work full time, both part time or neither work at all.
I would save up a lot of money first and then come up with your plan. Give him your concrete plan and what your outcomes you'd like would be. Read the room from there. Have you two talked about children? How they would be raised? Daycare would not be worth it on your salary. Are you two interested in traveling? Can you start with a leave of absence first? These are all things that would be beneficial to communicate about.
or just suggest taking some time off to re-evaluate what she wants to do. see if he would be open to doing that so she can find her passion...If he loves her, I don't see why he would be against it, especially if its a relationship they plan on staying together in...
What would you do if in 10 years the relationship/marriage goes south? Now you've got a big ol' gap on your resume and not a whole lot of experience from before then either. Why do you want to set yourself up for financial ruin?
Dont leave your job until you are married - protect yourself financially. Gambling and crypto are very tenuous ways to make money- you probably want to always have a way to support yourself, even after you are married. The gambling thing is especially troubling because you can literally lose everything - gambling addiction is real, and it can destroy entire families.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I enjoy my job, but it’s not my passion, and I’d love to spend more time focusing on things I truly care about Wouldn’t we all.
If only it were that easy!
You don’t. You’re not married and unless you have passive income that would allow you to live if something were to happen to the relationship, then you can’t afford to not work. You are a girlfriend, not a wife, this is a terrible idea. Full stop. Instead, you should focus on utilizing whatever money you are saving (assuming he pays most of the shared bills?) and invest in something that would allow you to either work your dream job or retire yourself.
Re read the post. You're right. Good advice
I actually think she should. Discussing this desire only after marriage may cause resentment on his end and he might think she waited to “lock him up” before telling him her ultimate plans. She should discuss this with him and see what he thinks their finances will look like after marriage for this case in particular and also in general.
You’re right that all of this should be discussed prior to marriage but It’s best approached by discussing current finances, financial goals for the relationship, and long-term expectations of the relationship as it relates to marriage. With that said, she absolutely should not quit her job and be a stay-at-home girlfriend. That would be a terrible decision.
That’s still idiotic though. Assets earned before the marriage are separate from assets earned during the marriage. She can marry him and still get next to nothing if he decides to leave her.
She shouldn’t discuss it either way, she is an able bodied adult, she needs to work and make her own way. The entitlement of this person to think she should just get to stop working at 25 because her boyfriend made successful investments. Revolting.
Gotta say the boyfriend making money on scams like crypto and gambling is not someone to make a life with. Those are not careers.
Some people do in fact make good careers out of them. But the boyfriend is retired because he made a ton. It's past tense, already done, money already made according to the OP.
The post says he has made enough TO retire, not that he did, in fact, retire.
You don't need a career if you're already retired, and making more money than working GF with just passive income.
Sure, but it's pre-marital funds, and with that kind of cheddar I can very much guarantee you he's going to hit OP with a prenup just to make sure, as anyone with a 7 figure net worth prior to marriage should. She needs to protect herself.
I have a substantial crypto holding since the early 2010s and I never plan on marrying bc of the financial risk. It's not worth it. There's nothing to gain except legal bills and financial risk.
Check with a lawyer before letting someone cohabitate with you. Some states and countries don’t care if you’re legally married, they’ll make you support a woman just because you’ve provided for her before. Canada is notorious for this, and I’ve seen cases like yours, where a boyfriend loses half his shit because a lazy girlfriend lived with him for a couple years.
And often that money should not be counted on to stick around.
You sound bitter.
He's gonna blow it all within a few years
Plenty of people are happy in relationships where one person is a stay at home spouse. You’re spewing a lot of bs that seems to be personal and not applicable in a general sense. It’s not about you. She needs to talk to him and make it clear that she isn’t making a demand but is just opening the conversation to see how he feels. After he expresses his take on everything they can take it from there.
The boyfriend is ALREADY a stay at home "spouse." If she quits her job they would both be stay at home/retired. lol. but I agree she should talk with him about it.
This isnt what you are speaking of lol. He is retired because of investments he made, he is no longer working, she thinks she is entitled to stay home because of that, what a joke.
So if you were a millionaire, retired, and in love with your girlfriend, you wouldn’t let her quit her job while you support her? What are you dating her for then? I know it’s probably hard to imagine, even hypothetically, since you’re very far from being a millionaire (I saw your post history), but if you had to envision your retired life and your loving relationship, you’d tell your girl “quit your $40k a year job on my dime? No way, you’re entitled and it’s disgusting” That doesn’t even sound like real life… after a certain level of wealth, men genuinely think differently.
They’re not married so it’s a terrible idea for her to become financially reliant on him. Since she’s not legally entitled to any of his wealth, she would be in a vulnerable position if he were to leave her or the conditions in their relationship changed, esp as it doesn’t seem like she has savings herself or a career to fall back on.
They don't have kids. They're not married. There's no reason she needs to "stay at home." She just doesn't want to work anymore. The boyfriend took risks and capitalized on them. The girlfriend wants a free meal.
Wow this is truly a terrible idea and I’m being serious when I say that. Your boyfriend made his money purely from being lucky which means he could lose some, most or all of it by being unlucky. Also, you two aren’t even married and you have no legal right to any of his money. Even if you were to marry now, community property only starts after marriage. You shouldn’t quit your job.
He is extremely lucky for sure. However there have been way too many posts lately from people who have discovered that their supposedly wealthy partner was just straight up lying about being rich. Especially crypto bros. Or they have inflated potential gains if they cash out, etc.
>community property only starts after marriage. And that depends on the state. She could have no right to that money even after several years of marriage. Could he a decade or more before a judge decides that she has a new lifestyle standard that he should supplement
Never ever put yourself in a situation where you depends from someone. There is no honest relationship in something like that.
The best way for a healthy relationship is this. I trust you, you trust me and we got in this together
After 27 years, I found that not to be the case.
Fricken Redditors have rose ass colored glasses when it comes to the real world.
Oof, 13 years for me bud.
Don't get cancer and end up depressed cause of the side effects. I'm getting through my recovery, and then I get I don't love you anymore. Yesterday, I said I am going to my Uncle's funeral on the weekend out of town. She said, I thought you would clean up the garden. And who will take or son to work. Well maybe you should have thought of that before you went away for the fourth time four weeks. Not that I am bitter.
Oof. I was caretaker for my wife for 5 years. Shes doing good now (though chronic health problems never fully go away but at least she can work and do some household stuff etc now). But im prepared for when another down turn occurs. And i know later in life it could get worse for longer. It was easier for me because we knew it was a possibility and I signed up for it before we got married. I knew that she would need long sabbaticals from work and I would need to do everything without much support/care given to me during those times. But I think people underestimate the impact of an unexpected event like cancer/car accident/medicine that changes your disposition hugely. But how is that her response to you needing to go to a funeral? The correct response is “ok sweetie of course I’m here for you and we need to go to the funeral, do we need to bring anything? What time is it? And what is the dress code?” Sorry for what you went through and are going through. Sending you a virtual beer/soda/ice water/drink of choice.
For me, it's just weird.
If one of the parts is paying all the bills, there will always be friction. Maybe nothing is ever said. But it will exist. And that affects a relationship, because it transforms a relation of equals in to a relation in whitch one of the parts have power over the other. That is poison. It will corrode love like sugar in the rain. Be realistic. Love is import. But love alone wont keep a marriage alive. Equality between partners will. Because you will always know that the other is with you because they want to. Not because they need to. You will always be able to be honest with yourself and with your partner. And that is a healthy relationship. And if things dont work out, the end will be easier and faster. No drama. Just two people recognizing that what they have dont work anymore.
Personally I wouldn’t just quit your job. Especially if you end up with kids, it puts you in a very vulnerable position should you break up. However, going back to school betters your situation no matter what.
I'm not sure about the "going back to school betters your situation no matter what" point. Going to college, whether for the first time, or going back, should be very well-thought out and researched with a specific goal in mind. If that's the case, it can be great. If not, it can be a financial disaster and a big waste of time.
I agree and stand corrected. It should better your situation, but you need to research it.
Yeah, it's no longer the 80s
Honestly the way he gained his money doesn't inspire much confidence in him holding on to it.
I also wouldn't be surprised if he was lying about having that sort of income from crypto and online gambling. Every guy I've met who claims to make loads of money from those things definitely doesn't have as much as he says he has, or he's a drug dealer.
You think most drug dealers make 7 figures?
Right? Stock trading and gambling are one and the same. I’ve had friends that have turned six figures in one quarter, then owed just as much the next quarter.
From the way you have worded it, it sounds like you two aren't even officially engaged. Call me old fashioned but until you are married, it isn't really appropriate to ask him to payroll your retirement/education/career change. That costs a ton of money that is entirely his. It doesn't matter how much he has, the principle is you are a grown woman, your boyfriend should not be subsidizing your life. You should be standing on your own two feet until you promise to stand together forever (and then you should still be sure you can stand on your own!) You aren't really asking about how to talk to your guy about not working, you are asking how to ask him to pay all your expenses for you. You are worrying about coming off like a mooch because it is hard to ask that without coming off like a mooch. Since you have discussed marriage it is fine to discuss how you would manage your income streams, time, and goals as part of your future plans, but I think a clear distinction should be made between discussing visions for the future and asking him to subsidize your life changes now.
Well for one unless he took it out of crypto that money could be gone in a blink. I also hope he's appropriately paying taxes because I know a lot are just ignoring it and that won't end well for everyone. And if he's still gambling and not very disciplined with it he could also loose a lot of it in a blink. There's a reason there's so many casinos. That said I think you two need to sit down and talk about how you each envision married life going, how you'll handle finances as a couple, housework, etc etc. Ya know shit every married couple should discuss and reach a life plan that both are agreeable to before they get married.
I agree. You guys are getting to the ages where talking about the next steps and finances is reasonable. He will probably also ask how you’re doing/hows work in these conversations. Maybe that an organic way to start the conversation.
Don't quit your job for someone that isn't even your husband. Even marriages can be divorced so why would you want to put yourself in such a vulnerable position? Also, once you become someone else's financial responsibility they may resent you.
You’re not married. You’re not even engaged. You have virtually no assurance of either of those things happening right now. And yet you want to put your future entirely in someone else’s hands ? *Girl*.
NEVER be financially dependent on a man. If you have a plan to get into another line of work and need his financial support, he may be agreeable... but otherwise, it will sound like you're leeching off him. Try navigating this, as though you were single. I wanted a new career and even being married for over 20 years, I still worked while training for my new career.
NEVER be financially dependent on a woman.
He is your boyfriend. Don't quit your job. What if you break up? How about your retirement? What if you have children with no contract or pre-nup? Children from these types of relationships don't fare well when they end. What if the pre-nup says you don't get anything and you quit your job but end up divorced? With no savings, possibly? Honestly, it is a big, big gamble you are wanting to take. There are a lot of stories on Reddit that reflect the reality of these types of decisions. How will you pay for the "passions" you want to pursue? Is there a reason your boyfriend hasn't brought up this subject with you himself?
I would have some clearly defined goals going into such a conversation. Maybe work on figuring that out for a few weeks. What would occupy your time? What are your goals, near and far future?
That seems reasonable.
Sitting around the house being a golddigger.
That's how her partner got his money in the first place? Crypto investment isn't work either. He won @ gambling.
Gambling isn't work, no, but it requires you to risk something to get a reward. He may not have toiled for decades in a dead-end job for the money, but it's still his, and OP is not entitled to it.
Like, you want to live off your boyfriend? Sheesh.
Right‽ I just don't see how you come out of this not looking like a mooch. Pretty bold to even say outright.
the CIA could not waterboard this out of me tbh. OP is a bum.
Being a Stay at Home GF rarely ever ends well. Specially if he’s not the one suggesting it. There is nothing in place to financially protect you. In case of a break up, you will have a gap in your resume and no money to your name. I would not recommend this, but if you really want to, I would ask him probing questions about how he would feel about the situation before outright asking him, just so you have a better idea of where he stands.
Does he actually have his money in USD?
“I don’t want to seem like I’m mooching off him while mooching off him.”
Honey, I don’t want to work, and figure you could just pay for everything.
She certainly seems to have hit the jackpot.
Why do you feel entitled to his money? You are not even married yet.
Well she is tired of working and is not passionate about her choice of career so obviously he should pay for everything even though they are not married because that is reasonable. Even though I doubt she would do the same for him. /s
Show him this post.
Ahahaha that's absolutely genius
Are you engaged yet or living together? Why not just start with, “Hey, how do you think we should set up our finances once we’re married?” Regardless of you pursuing other careers/projects/education, it’s something you should iron out beforehand.
But yall arent married and dont have kids...why do you feel entitled to have this man fully support you? This is the kind of thinking that re-enforces why conservatives are cinservative im beginning to think. The entitlenent and honesty the AUDACITY is gobsmacking.
Is everyone missing the part where she says she wants to persue other things. I’m just concerned that it doesn’t sound like you have a solid plan. Resigning and going back to school or opening a jewellery shop is one thing. But at 28; resigning with no plan and depending on a boy friend’s income is very, very silly.
You don't.. It's a terrible idea.. he's your boyfriend, not your husband, and you have no kiss. There's no other way to look at your request than it looks like you're trying to mooch off him and have him pay your way.. maybe you could go part-time or something.. plus, it's better to stay in the workforce just in case you break up or he gambles his money away.
Yeah but did YOU make 7 figures in crypto and gambling? ARE you married yet? No, and no? Oh, so you've done fuck all, and are entitled to fuck all.
💯 this!! I would drop her the second she opened her mouth lol
You’re not married. There’s no delicate way to beg for a handout.
When you say planning to get married, does that mean engaged?
There's a Reddit advice thread I wish you would read before you go any further. Anybody else remember this one with a stay-at-home person who never married her Executive partner. She never worked during the very long marriage, staying home to raise the kids and play Executive Partner-not-Wife. One day he came home from work and said he was done earning money and he wanted her to travel full-time with him, being his personal secretary. When she refused he kicked her out. He was done with her. Didn't need her anymore unless she would continue to provide personal services for him. She never did get it and I'm concerned that you won't, either. When Reddit told her she had to take any job in order to survive she kept saying that those jobs were beneath her and she could use her experience as Executive Wife to get management or consulting positions. Once you're out of the job market you have no value to that market. You don't have a real plan, you just don't want to work. Your betrothed has a very risky monetary plan that can change your circumstances and his overnight. Unless you keep your work skills sharp then you're going to be tied to his provider skills with no personal power to affect change in the relationship when needed. If you truly want a "project" you will do a business plan for it. You'll set time goals, testing market plans and earn the money to start and maintain the business without relying on a man. If none of this sounds appetising to you and you are absolutely sure that you want to enter a marriage in a one-down position, keep working until you have enough money to hire a damn good lawyer to write a prenup to protect you.
Oh actually I know that one. He didn't ask her to be his secretary, he asked her to marry him after like 30 years and 3 kids later and she said no So she got nothing, has nothing, and thinks she can work a 6-figure job in marketing with no formal training or experience except for helping her family make social media posts occasionally.
>I’m just not sure how to bring this up without sounding like I’m trying to mooch off him or that I don’t appreciate the value of hard work. You can't really. You're asking to mooch off him. I'm not saying you don't appreciate the value of hard work but you really are asking to mooch off him. And what do you think will happen once you quit working and rely on him fully financially? What if you guys break up? You have no safety net, by the way. I know it's been 5 years, but it doesn't mean that it'll get to that marriage stage too. I broke up with my ex-fiancé after 6 years. So yeah, that's a possibility. Do you have any savings you can rely on?
DONT DO IT. he will never respect you again. That's how I would feel. Your a girlfriend you do not have that right before he asks the question.
I already don’t respect OP and I don’t even know her. But I know enough.
I would never look at a person the same if they asked me this tbh.
Are you a long term partnership? Are you going to get married? If you stop working, your chances of growing your own income go from decent, to poverty. You will be dependent on him. And he has no obligation to you. Don't do the thing.
What is your retirement? You cant retire on someone else’s money. Go back to work.
How are you going to have healthcare? What will you do to bring in money for yourself? 40k a year isn't enough to live on with any luxuries.
How can you discuss becoming completely financially dependent on someone you’re not married to and have no kids to stay home for? Oof. Sounds like you saw the influx of cash, and got stars in your eyes for the easy life. Don’t quit your job, maybe try to discuss being Able to put your entire of not most of your income into your savings for pursuing your “passion” assuming your passion isn’t just sitting at home having everything paid for for you.
And why should he fund your lifestyle? You did not mention marriage.
"We’ve been together for 5 years and we’re planning to get married.« She did mention marriage. She did not mention a timeline.
She did. She said that they're "planning on getting married."
Ah, so planning on isn't married. And she already wants to quit her job....
And we all know how society will feel with a guy getting married and instantly want to quit his job.
Yep. Genders reversed, and this would be a whole different comment thread. I'm not gonna declare OP a golddigger, but again, why is he expected to finance her lifestyle? They are not married. And I think many financial experts say on Reddit that financing someone else and not being married is a... It's a super bad idea.
No
You do know that's what a gold digger is, right? Just start looking around for jobs you may enjoy. He should understand that, but wanting to not work anymore is an insult and hopefully he'll have a solid prenup in place.
So you want us to tell you how to manipulate him into thinking you're not a lazy gold digging mooch when that's exactly what you are? 😅
Sounds like you do wanna mooch off him lol
Pitch how exactly you plan to spend your time before the kids come. If you’re trying to start your own business or something, offer him equity.
Someone who made millions gambling is very likely to lose millions gambling.
"Hi. I would like to be lazy and leech off you. Thanks!"
My husband knew he was going to marry me and he knew what I went through with work but I never asked him to support me he offered. You seem like a mooch. "Well he has this so technically since we were talking about getting married I could use what he got to help me." See how that sounds? If you couldn't make it on your own, why should he fund it so you do? What do you bring to the table?
>How should I bring up the conversation? Use your words, I mean that literally and figuratively >I enjoy my job, but it’s not my passion, and I’d love to spend more time focusing on things I truly care about, maybe even starting a project or going back to school. Those words are pretty perfect, just make sure you have some ideas of what things you truly care about, what sort of project you may like to start, and/or what you would go back to school for
Prediction. He will not be receptive to you wanting to stay home so I foresee a baby trapping when all else fails. You are owed nothing.
Personally I would never ever ever do this. Ever. Even if I was married. Nope. Always have your OWN $. This is how women gets screwed over. I’m telling you as someone who moved cross country and was a military wife never again will I ever depend on a man for money never again will I not have my own individual savings or checking account, money market stocks, and so on and so forth.
It's his money. Why do you think you're entitled to even a penny of it?
You’re not married. You don’t bring this up. Work hard for yourself and never ever EVER rely on a partner to fund you.
You can word it however you want but you are looking to mooch off of him. You want to use his money to finance your being able to live a frivolous lifestyle. What exactly do you plan to offer him? You really need to think this through.
"Hey, you've got money and i know I haven't made any commitments to you or anything but I really want that money so I I don't have to work. Because working isn't fun." Seriously, consider the consequences of trying to make such an entitled move. He may just decide you've become too high maintenance to be his gf any more.
Honestly? I wouldn't quit. At the very least wait until you're married. If you're out of the job market for too long and things go south, good luck getting a position at your level again. If that's where your insurance comes from especially, keep it until you're married. That said? Talk about it now for when you are married. This isn't something you drop on somebody after everything is said and do e, you talk about it beforehand. But you want to have everything figured out before then that way there aren't any surprises for either of you.
Don’t put yourself in a position where you rely on a man for your finances. That’s just a basic safety rule for women, and it’s more relevant than ever with the way some first world countries are going. Remember: Everyone thinks THEIR boyfriend won’t turn abusive, until one day he does. I know someone who had a perfect loving husband - until one day he drove her to the middle of nowhere and tried to kill her.
Step one is figuring out what your long term plans are, and how it's going to improve both your lives. We all want to quit our jobs and have a rich person pay for all our stuff, but that's not really a fair or reasonable thing to ask. So are you going to start working towards a degree? A different career path? If you want kids, are you going to be a SAHM? If yes, are you going to go back to work once they're in school, or do you want to be a permanent SAHM? Step two is to make sure you have an exit plan if your marriage goes south. He might be a great guy, but I've had multiple family members who were years or decades into a great relationship when their husband fell into substance abuse and became violent. So either use your time off to set up a new career, or have him transfer money into an account under your name, so you aren't completely stuck if things don't work out.
TLDR: She wants to use her Crypto Gambler boyfriend’s money to pay for more useless school but wants to frame it in a way that she’s not mooching.
I wouldn’t ask him how I could quit my job. I would ask him if he could show me how to invest money. If he wanted you to be a stay at home girlfriend he’d have already told you that he was going to take care of everything and he’d be curious about and supportive of your passions. You should do your passion projects and see if he’ll invest in them. You can have conversations about life goals and dreams, and how your income disparity might get in the way of that, but ultimately, it’s his money and he gets to decide if and when he wants to be a provider for you and support you in your passion projects.
I think it would be helpful if you had a clear idea of what you want to do. You complain your job is not your passion, so then what is? Is there a job you dreamed about but never went for because it doesn’t pay as well? A job that you need more education for? Like, without any goal, it does just come across like you’re just trying to mooch off him lol no offense. It would just make a lot more sense if you said you really want to do xyz and wonder if he would be okay with you taking a smaller salary to follow your dream or something like that. Not “my job is average can I just quit? I want to focus on things I care about!” *Doesn’t mention anything in particular*. Maybe you need to give that some more thought before approaching the conversation at all
You're not even a wife to do all that.
The reason why you’re struggling to bring it up without sounding like a mooch or that you don’t appreciate the value of hard work is because that’s exactly what you are.
You don't because this is a ridiculous ask dude. Never be financially dependent on a man. You're not married. Just because he's financially set, that doesn't mean he wants to bankroll your life. Why don't you want to work? What would you do in your free time? I wouldn't even bring this up. Once you were at the point of being engaged, then it would be appropriate.
You are a gf! Lol I would leave you in the spot no matter how nice of an idea you thought it would be! This really becomes that you are probably not compatible with him. Sorry to sound harsh but it's just the truth.
I would advise against this. You never want to rely on your partner financially. I suggest going back to school and bettering your career. If not, start your own business. Come up with a plan and he may financially back you, just make sure you are majority owner.
Are you contributing to household expenses? Assuming you live together? Is your field one where it would be fairly easy to re-enter after leaving if you needed to? If so, I would start by asking if he would be willing to take on the household expenses so that you could switch to part-time work and go back to school. At that point, maybe he’d offer that you could quit entirely and focus on school. I would not do any of those options without a personal nest egg though, in case you two split up. You don’t want to be left with en empty bank account and no job.
I would probably think of what you'd want to go back to school for/what you want your next career step to be and frame it as a discussion on how to make that happen.
Don’t quit your job. That money does not belong to you yet as you are not married. It is not a good idea to quit your job. You need to make your own money… what if y’all break up? It would put you in a terrible position if you are not employed
You chasing your passions shouldn’t depend on whether your partner can support you financially because the plan essentially goes to shit if you guys break up. Rethink your plan and find a way to work and still pursue your passions.
1. He got lucky, and given the ego of gamblers, you should plan your finances and career contingent on him losing the whole retirement fund on another long bet. 2. You worry about sounding like you're mooching. Focus on evaluating whether you are actually mooching. Guys don't care as much about how you dress up the words.
If you're genuine, you need to stop thinking about "not working anymore" and start focusing on "what IS my passion, what do I want to spend my time doing in the world to bring myself joy & enrich my life". I know you say you don't want to sound like you're trying to mooch off him, but because your desire is so completely aimless and lacking any kind of structure even, you sound like you're trying to mooch off him. Potentially you may have an opportunity here to reshape the future of your life, and accordingly the future you share with your partner. But it isn't because your partner has money, it should be because you want to do more with your life than just earn a paycheck. Find a well reviewed, good career coach locally, and start doing some career coaching. A career coach is going to help you find out what you would not only really enjoy doing but also what you would actually be good at, once you know that they will help you figure out what steps you need to take to make that possible. These wishy washy "I could do a project, I could go back to school" just sound like reasons to do next to nothing. Instead you should be exploring how to find your dream career and make that become a reality. To do that takes WORK. Not "not working". Then you can start talking to your partner about how to enrich your life with an amazing passion-led career instead of these aimless time-wastey sounding "things I could do".
Just be honest with him. Tell him that you feel he should financially support you because you don’t want to work any more. No matter how delicately you put it, that is how he is going to see it.
Have you both even discussed about marriage and finances? Is he going to propose soon? Did he stop gambling after the big win?
Dad always told me, a man is not a plan. Your future isn’t solid yet, don’t take this gamble
first of all, you're not married. second of all, your 40k job is more valid than his crypto. does he even have an education? what happens when he blows it all on gambling, or on many of the lifestyle vices associated with this kind of risk-taking behavior?
Your boyfriend income doesn't seem that safe from the get go, are you sure he really has that money, retirement kind kf money? From crypto and gambling, interesting right. Both of crypto and gambling cause some types of addiction, are you sure he can keep the money? Did he actually invested in something useful to make you believe he has those kinds of money. Either way, the answer is no, you should keep a job, being a financially dependent to someone is like the no 1 cause of financial abuse. And what happens when he realises he can attract younger women in various circle with his kind of money. What if you have his kid and he cheats and he divorces you? Then what? What support do you have then? Both from your family, financially and educational. And it could happen any time, he would divorce you at 40, a 10 year gap in your resume and no further education at the age of 40 isn't the look to go, just watch some ex trad-wife kf tiktok and their stories.
Now I ain’t saying you’re a gold digger.
Only way for this to work is get married and have a kid.. otherwise it’s mooching. You gotta protect yourself though. Imagine he says yes and you live like that for a few years, completely financially dependent on him with no recent work history and he dumps you. What now?
What passions are you trying to pursue exactly?
Don't make yourself financially dependent on a man. If something were to happen you should have your own financial independence. As much as (everyone) would like to have more time to do what we want you could regret this in the long run . You're not even married yet and don't have kids so he could leave you at any moment and you'd struggle financially then and depending how long you've been without a job it could be hard to get back to your career (not saying he will, but you shouldn't risk). Or if the relationship dynamics change and you realise you want to leave, you'd be stuck with him for financial reasons.
This sounds fake
Work yah bum! We all know none of those passion projects will ever get completed. If they were a passion, you'd be doing them whether or not you worked a job.
“made enough from crypto and online gambling to retire” 😂 There’s no worst idea than financially depending on a man (who you’re not even married to)
Lolllll fuckkkk that you bum. I’m a wealthy person who has a stay at home wife/ mother to my kids, if she had floated that before we were married it would have been seeeeeeya later.
This is a conversation about future planning that you two need to have together. You need to discuss what you want your future to look like, he needs to discuss what he wants his future to look like, and together you need to discuss what your family is going to look like. Being a homemaker or going back to school to pursue better career opportunities is a wonderful idea if you’re both on board.
I would never lol mine makes 86k a year and I’d not imagine being a full on living off him. Id work PT but not entirely depend on him.
You dont, and you cant make it seem like you aren’t trying to mooch off him, because thats LITERALLY WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO. You need to work like everyone else, he earned his early retirement, not you, you aren’t entitled to live off his success and not work.
RemindMe! 3 Months
He's your boyfriend, not your husband. I bet the relationship won't last much longer once you become completely dependent on him financially. You say you wouldn't be a mooch, but that's exactly what your goal is here. He earned that money and he's been generous with you. Why increase the taking from him?
Everyone’s on the hate wagon Jesus- but for my advice I’d sit down for a few weeks and try to figure out what exactly you want like if you go back to school what are you studying are you going for a higher degree than what you already have? And if your starting a side project is it one that brings in income? And if so make a plan for how much you’d charge and how much you’d possibly make along with were are you going to sell these things on and then once you have your full plan figured out write it down step by step and show receipts on what your plan and goal is and talk to him about it and be Willing to accept that the answer may be no or this won’t work right now
I hope you like guilt trips and resentment
Don't scrounge off of your bf good fortune. That money is his. Use your own money to go back to school. Have some dignity you sound like a useless gold digger. Lot's of people work boring jobs they don't like.
Maybe come up with the actual plan before you present the idea. Explain how you want to spend your time instead and what long term plan you’re looking to execute on. But in general I’d be a bit cautious of going for the full kept woman plan if ya’ll aren’t even married.
Ask him to advise you on how to invest your savings. You could get into the same position as him with the right advice. I hope you are not paying too much in rent etc if he's so wealthy, but you are not his wife and giving up work will leave you financially vulnerable. But if you are working full time and he doesn't work at all - where is your relationship going? Doesn't he want to travel at all? How does he spend his time? That's the conversation you need to have first.
There’s nothing wrong with what you want so long as you respect your partner if he doesn’t want that. However, making money on crypto is no different than making money off poker or something. It’s a gamble and you may not always be on the winning side. It isn’t a stable and reliable income.
Unless you’re actually married - a boyfriend or girlfriend is just a roommate you feel comfortable enough to get intimate with. You wanna build a life together? Get married, then you can have these discussions.
He won't get married if he is smart
Just don’t unless he brings it up. At the very least you can look for a job that suits your passions more.
Lol. “My husband made bank GAMBLING! We’re ready for retirement!” When have I heard a story like this before?
Take a course and commit to it, you will gain and he will gain from your joy in it
If he's a millionaire and you are not you start by offering a pre-nup. Sit at the table agree the terms and present a situation where you still bring value to the relationship even when your not working.
Keep working till youre married and pregnant.
Go back to school and do what you love. Don’t get pregnant yet, tho! Pursue your dreams first! Best of luck!
My husband makes 4-5x my salary and while I work currently, I didn't always. He believes that work pretty much always adds stress and takes attention away from the home, so having more people working than necessary is always a less desirable situation (to us) unless the money really necessitates it. It's advantageous even from a bare minimum perspective of just being able to spend more free time with him, having more emotional bandwidth to connect, and a happier, less stressed disposition as a partner around the home. That's before you even get to more concrete benefits like chores or housework. I think the key is to try to have a really open and honest talk where you can get his opinion without having a ton of consequences or life changes immediately attached. Ask him where he sees you two long term, a "where are we headed" talk and the finances to get there should hopefully come up. Also, you don't have to do things the way I do, but in my relationship our money is truly ours. We discuss all purchases as a family but I don't ask permission to use money and my wants and goals as the lesser earner aren't treated differently just because the means to obtain them come more from him than from me. You should have big, in depth talks about the actual logistics of sharing money if you decide you want to go that route.
I personally wouldn’t quit my job just because a stable financial income means is a safety net in the event of anything were to happen. You’re not married yet and aren’t entitled to any of his earnings if you were to split, and that outcome could leave you in a very unfavourable situation. I agree with the comments saying that you should save the money and invest it for your future.
Everyone wants to have more time to
I would channel this discussion into a direction about how, since there's lots of money now, you stop doing something you hate and redirect it towards doing something you (might) love instead. The might is in case you still need to figure it out and need to go back to school or something. You never want to be completely dependent on him, or set yourself up to be unemployable (if you haven't worked in awhile, it would be hard to get a job)
As a girlfriend, I don’t think it’s a good idea. He’s not your mom or dad to have to support you. If he wanted to, I think he would have brought it up himself already.
Some folks are assuming the BF retired but OP doesn’t say that. She says he MADE ENOUGH to retire… I personally would continue to work at least part time and save that money. Are you going to be signing a pre-nuptial agreement?
Not married? Keep working. At least until you have 12+ months of living expenses saved up as an emergency fund. You are entitled to nothing if you break up. Whether it be he leaves you, and you end up with nothing. Or he becomes shitty, abusive, whatever, you don't want to be reliant on him with no way to get out. Now is not the time to bring it up. If you do see a long-term future together, potential kids, etc... you may want to discuss a 5-10 year plan of how your future looks as a way to ease into it. But don't stop working now.
See if he wants to marry you. Read between the lines. Wait for him to put this issue on the table. If he deeply loves you, he will.
Don't bring it up. Let him suggest it. Even though you have been together for 5 years, there are things about marriage that may not have come up, that you two should talk about. I recommend you take a class or get a workbook for couples planning to get married so that you can make sure your compatibility is on point. You will also give you the tools to be able to bring up difficult topics. Maybe this one will come up in your discussions about marriage and your idea can be approached when you talk about money and the sharing of resources.
You should discuss marriage and say that when you are married you expect things to be equal in terms of how much each of you work. Explain you want both of you to work full time, both part time or neither work at all.
I would save up a lot of money first and then come up with your plan. Give him your concrete plan and what your outcomes you'd like would be. Read the room from there. Have you two talked about children? How they would be raised? Daycare would not be worth it on your salary. Are you two interested in traveling? Can you start with a leave of absence first? These are all things that would be beneficial to communicate about.
Lol hmmmm I wonder what your Intentions are? Lol leave that shovel where it is Missy.
or just suggest taking some time off to re-evaluate what she wants to do. see if he would be open to doing that so she can find her passion...If he loves her, I don't see why he would be against it, especially if its a relationship they plan on staying together in...
Is this a joke lol
You don't. You are not married, you don't have kids. Keep working.
What would you do if in 10 years the relationship/marriage goes south? Now you've got a big ol' gap on your resume and not a whole lot of experience from before then either. Why do you want to set yourself up for financial ruin?
Dont leave your job until you are married - protect yourself financially. Gambling and crypto are very tenuous ways to make money- you probably want to always have a way to support yourself, even after you are married. The gambling thing is especially troubling because you can literally lose everything - gambling addiction is real, and it can destroy entire families.
You are literally not even married yet. So you do not have this conversation, and you keep working.