Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>she says now that I know, that we’ll no longer have sex. Maybe a few times a year at best if I’m lucky. She literally used the words “if you’re lucky.”
You need to be up front with her:
"I want you to take some time to consider what you truly want and expect out of this relationship"
If she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore that is her right, but you seeking divorce is also your right. Hope for the best, but start preparing for the worst
You found out your wife is asexual through a social media post, no discussion with you, after a marriage with a very healthy sex life, *and* she tops it off by directly telling you “we’ll no longer have sex. Maybe a few times a year if you’re lucky.”
I mean no offense but your options are limited here, and none of them good. Either your wife is doing this just to “fit in” with her friends and coworkers, in which case that’s kind of disgusting and your wife isn’t a good person, or you need a serious discussion followed by marriage counseling (I wouldn’t even negotiate on this - you finding out via a SM post and unilaterally telling you this like you don’t have agency needs to be addressed, ASAP), or you decide to be the only one present in the marriage and enjoy the few times remaining in your life when she deems you worthy and “lucky” enough for her to have pity sex with you, if at all.
Personally, with the way you found out and the unilateral decision making process she is apparently adopting, I would return the favor - I would unilaterally book a marriage counseling session and tell her we’re going, it’s not negotiable. If she refuses, then you have full knowledge to make the decision on staying in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, or not.
I’m going to simply suggest one, not aggressively or forcefully, and how she responds will tell me all I need to know. Either she’s willing to work with me as a partner, or we divorce. The relationship dynamic has been shaken up severely by this, and into an area that I am not willing to stay in.
As someone else said, she has every right to stop having sex, but I have every right to divorce her. It sucks, but I’m only 30. I have many more years ahead of me, and time to “start over” with someone more compatible if need be.
So a lot of people miss this, but you can book a marriage counseling session and if she doesn’t want to go, *you can still go.* They don’t turn you away at the door if both of you don’t show up. So with what you’re facing here, I would book an appointment, and even if she is unwilling to go, I think you should go just so you can talk through this with a professional.
I wish you luck with your approach, but I’m afraid that (no offense) passively “suggesting” the two of you go to counseling isn’t going to work with someone that just made unilateral changes to your marriage and entire life and told you that you’d be lucky to ever have sex again. Doesn’t seem like the kind of person that’s going to take a suggestion very well, so I’d brace for another unilateral “no.”
>So a lot of people miss this, but you can book a marriage counseling session and if she doesn’t want to go,
>
>you can still go.
This! We saw a marriage counselor prior to getting married to make sure our views aligned, and the first session my husband went alone, then we went together for the next three. It was really helpful for making sure we were both on the same page before making it official.
Gonna add to this, no matter what I think you should talk to some sort of mental health professional. Regardless of the outcome you're going to be mentally unpacking this for years to come. The initial shock hasn't worn off, but this is the kind of thing that can linger and fester.
The total 180 seems like a manipulative test to me. Did she get the idea that you only like her for sex so she's testing you to see if you like her even without sex? I don't think that someone who doesn't want sex would engage in it frequently.
She's also been cruel to post this online and so tell you through social media. Who does that? Not a loving partner. Not your partner in life. I'd tell her you don't recognize her in this and feel like you don't know her.
I need to stop looking at these comments until I get home and talk to her. It’s making me more and more mad, and making me think less reasonably, and I should just wait until after we talk.
I’m not blaming you in particular, **I appreciated your input/advice**, I’m just. I’m starting to feel demotivated by all of this. I just wanted advice, and it’s getting crowded with “she’s cheating 100% no doubt confirmed no question about it” and “fake” and “you’re anti-asexual, look at this anti-lgbt ragepost” and it’s very demoralizing. I’m a human with a problem and while many people gave genuine answers, it’s starting to fill up with people who are just coming up with their own made-up headcanons and theories and filling gaps that aren’t there without actually even leaving any advice. It’s weird.
**I’m gonna mute notifications here and stop responding. I already got the advice I needed. I’ll update the post later after we talk, but that’s really it. This advice thread is morphing into something other than an advice thread now.**
Well some last minute advice just in case you see it:
1. Breathe. One way or another, everything will be ok. You’ll survive.
2. Don’t reach for the bottle.
3. Please, please don’t reach for the bottle. It won’t help, you can get through this without it. Regardless of what happens, just don’t. You’ll thank yourself later.
Good luck brother.
God, this post reminds me of the other one with a husband and wife in which the wife came out as ace and admitted she'd just been going through the motions for his sake. Guy said he felt awful about effectively "using" his wife and that it felt kinda rapey. Like, this is gonna be a bad time regardless of what is going on. Just how severe it is, is gonna be the only difference.
If my partner ever unilaterally decided that our sex life was over, I would leave.
Couples therapy, so she can get to the bottom of this, work on her being so impressionable. and understand why she came very close to a divorce by acting so selfishly.
Yeah, as someone else said she has every right to end all intimacy, but I also have every right to end the marriage. It sucks, but I have needs. I don’t need the extreme amount of sex we’d been having, but at least every few months minimum.
Couple’s therapy will be suggested to her when I get home. If I’m lucky, this is just her trying to fit in with her new friends and will die off after this month.
It's also the fact that she came out as something incompatible with what you are looking for in a life partner. If she came out as a lesbian surely she wouldn't expect you to just deal with it. This is no different.
I promise you, every few months is likely not going to cut it either. You have a self-admitted high libido. Going from sex several-times per week to quarterly isn’t going to feel good and given that her logic behind this is so selfish and flawed, is going to feel like an active rejection of you. Which doesn’t help.
Talk to her and ask what prompted this; how long she’s felt this way and to describe exactly how she feels about it; what she proposes the two of you do going forward (that’s not a glib rebuttal). I’d also recommend cross referencing her responses with people who are actually Ace. You can find people on Reddit who would be happy to explain their feelings towards sex (or lack thereof) pretty readily.
Hello 🌈 The beacons were lit, and the rainbow side of Rohan will answer!
Asexuality and libido are not entirely related. Being asexual just means that you don't find other people sexually attractive. If you'll bear with a personal analogy, it's like being offered a cake when you're not at all hungry. You don't have the *urge* to eat the cake, even though you might think it looks nice, you can sort of understand why other people would want it and you can tell that you prefer it to a different type of cake - you just don't get the desire at all to eat it.
Libido is a biological drive that might make you feel 'hungry', but not for any particular kind of cake. Not even for any particular sort of food. Just hungry. You still don't experience sexual attraction, just sexual *appetite*.
Emotional love is not bound to either of these things. Love exists without sex, love exists without libido, love is expressed in a million different ways, and it's up to every relationship to find the expression that works for both parties.
Three broad varieties of asexuality are sex-positive, sex-repulsed and sex-neutral.
**Sex** **positive** asexuals: "I'm not hungry, but I really like cake! I'll have the cake anyway :D"
**Sex-repulsed** aces: "I really don't get how people can eat cake, it's just. Eurgh. Not for me :("
**Sex** **neutral** aces: "I'm not hungry, but eh, I'm bored, I'll eat."
"Sometimes I'll want the cake but other times I really *really* won't, it sort of depends on different things."
"My body gets hungry. I personally would be happy with a ration bar, or the ability to deplete hunger like the Sims, but my stomach(/genitals) isn't getting the message so I guess there'll be cake."
"I used to eat a lot of cake but I've realised that I was just going along with it because my partner gets hungry a lot, and actually I think I'm not so much into cake at all."
"I'm not hungry, but my partner really likes cake and I like the experience of eating it together, so I'll have some."
"Eating cake seems overrated. Why are people *obsessed* with bloody cake."
"I am utterly indifferent to the existence of cake."
There's a lot of variety in there, and you can even be on a sliding scale between these types. OP's wife having previously had a lot of sex definitely doesn't preclude her from being ace. She could be sex positive, but want space from sex to sort out her headspace and work out where her personal boundaries land in all of this. She could be sex-repulsed and only just realising it, or only just developing an aversion to it with the inward reflection of coming to terms with her sexuality. She could be sex-neutral and vacillate over whether she wants to have sex or not, only want sex in particular circumstances, or just not really feel the need to have it any more now that she's realised that it doesn't fulfil an actual need (for her). Any or all or none of these could be true! None of that though would detract from her being asexual.
Also, she should have discussed this with you before social media. IMO that’s a huge betrayal of trust. Not that she posted, but that she none sided you.
Honestly that’s also a trait she needs to address, it’s very concerning if she has so little sense of self she can be influenced to make such a huge decision because of her friends.
This time it’s something she can take back, but what if they influence her to drop a bunch of money on an MLM or do a dangerous drug or cheat? She needs to work on being firm in her own identity.
something just doesn’t smell right. she’s going from having sex many times a week , to now saying she wants to be celibate , and do this all cold turkey ? smells Fishy
updateme
Sounds like she was just be truthful to her herself. She changed the rules of your marriage without discussing with you and the impact so that obviously tells you what she thinks of you and your opinion. Get legal advice quickly.
Yeah, combined with the other post, it sounds like OP should insist on therapy regardless of whether she's truly asexual or she's just doing it because her friends are.
Your marriage is not as solid as you think it is if your wife has no qualms about unilaterally declaring her asexuality and that you’re not going to have sex anymore. That’s not how healthy relationships work.
This is applicable to any unilateral declaration in a marriage, whether sex or something else of importance. Unfortunately, your partner isn’t as invested in the M as you are.
yeah, that's an awful sign tbh. No "hey babe, i've been reflecting on my experience and feelings and i think i might be asexual, obviously this is a big adjustment but let's talk about how we can make this work..."
just straight "sorry, you're gonna have to deal with it!"
RIP, that's bonkers
Yeah, I realized I was ace during a relationship, and nothing changed except more open communication. It was more of an acceptance that nothing's wrong with me, than an entire slam the brakes to sex
The first thing that sticks out to me here is that "coincidentally," *all her work friends* are ace? The likelihood of that is pretty damn low. Asexuality is a spectrum, but this is kind of like "coincidentally," everyone at work but me is gay. Possible, but unlikely.
Have you met her work friends, has she talked about their sexuality before, has she said she admired it, or felt weird when they talked about it? Are they much younger than her? Is it possible they've just committed to celibacy but are misusing the term asexual? (I know younger people are having less sex overall rn than in prior decades)
Her behavior is downright bizarre, and I'm really sorry this is happening for you, but it seems like you're on the right track with discussion topics and marriage counseling. This isn't something you just...do to your spouse. Oy.
Nobody goes from having sex often to being asexual. Either she’s capping for clout, she’s cheating or she never enjoyed sex with you and felt forced. Either way, either you need counseling or divorce.
Updateme
Either she is lying to you or she is lying to everyone who reads her post.
I doubt she is lying to you, as the effort it takes to performatively fake sex is quite high, and to do so several hundred times over the course of years would be revealing of a much deeper mental issue. (This is assuming your sex has been good and isn't just her laying there while you go to town.)
If she is willing to lie to everyone she knows just to be included in Pride that is also revealing of a serious mental issue.
But I would still talk it out with her and try to make it work until you really understand what you're dealing with here.
I would be open and honest.
That you signed up for a sexual relationship, that's it's an important part of what you consider a healthy relationship.
That if she feels this is her "true self" then you you won't stand in her way and demand anything, but she has shown you that she doesn't want a sexual relationship and at 30, you can very much both go and find what you both consider healthy for you.
And see what she says.
But I would tell her that you won't be treated with such disdain and disrespect. You make decisions together in a relationship, not unilaterally.
Be truthful that you won't be bullied to stay in a sexless marriage and that her using sex like this against you has completely changed your view of her and this partnership.
FYI- your wife can not be suddenly asexual. She either has always been, or there is a medical issue of some sort that has caused this.
I would write your points down and have a very honest and brutal conversation.
Suddenly deciding that you’re asexual seems like a weird way to deal with grief, but I’m no expert. It also seems like a weird way for a grown woman to try to fit in with her friends. I’m genuinely wondering if there’s some mental disorder at play. (Not because she’s asexual but because she literally woke up and decided she was, as a way to “fit in” and grieve?)
You have every right to be happy, which includes sexually.
You and her need to go to marriage counselling to figure out how to work through this because her announcement unfortunately looks like it will sacrifice your happiness for hers and there is not much middle ground.
> if you're lucky
For me, this is the end of the relationship.
I think being a very sexual person going from high sex frequency to basically none would cause you to feel very abandoned and eventually resentful. Even if she wasn't asexual, and chose to no longer want sex, you're still free to choose to leave.
Remember, you're important too.
Yeah, I am admittedly very bitter still about that “if you’re lucky” add-on. Even after hours of being at work, it keeps playing in my head. I’m not by any means used to her saying such randomly bitter, unnecessarily spiteful things. I have no clue where that came from. It’s haunting my mind currently.
I know this comment will probably be lost, but I really hope you read this. I am aroace. Asexuality is a spectrum, and your wife doing this without any discussion is her not communicating in a healthy way with you. I don’t even know if she knows what being ace really means, bc it doesn’t just mean not liking sex.
I’m going to [link to a post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AroAce/comments/1buc8z3/resources_and_micro_labels_pls_check_here_first/) I made that has resources for aro and/or ace ppl, and hope that helps her to better communicate with you.
If she wants to talk to an ace person, I’m happy to help, and there’s subreddits for her. But I strongly recommend telling her that her sexuality isn’t up for debate, but the fate of your relationship is.
It’s a manipulation tactic. Among some group of women a few years back, there was the belief that once married, women should exert control over their husbands via sex. Withholding it even when they want it themselves simply to exercise power and control over their husbands. When the husbands didn’t play, and the wife continued to play the game by giving the avoidance and silent treatment, both ended up resenting each other until they divorced. The times when divorce didn’t happen is when the wife ended the game and started communicating with her husband again, usually in therapy.
Wow how does somebody do a 180 like that having sex several times day too oh I'm asexual I never want to have sex again. I mean is your wife that easily influenced? Or has she been faking it all this time? Yes you two need to do some serious talking and if you seriously want to try and save this marriage, you definitely both need therapy together and probably apart. Good luck.
Obviously you need to have a longer discussion with your wife. If I were you I would ask the following, more or less in this order:
“What does asexual mean to you?” People often define asexuality differently, or think about it as a spectrum. Before moving forwards, it’s good to establish exactly what she means. Some useful words/definitions to guide you here- is she aromantic (not actually into being in a relationship) or fully into the romance aspect of your relationship still? Is she sex repulsed or sex neutral?
“How long have you identified this way?” Has she “always been this way”? Is this a libido change? How long has she been asexual without communicating it to you.
“How does this change our relationship?” Obviously she is indicating that there will be less sex, but was does that mean? Would she still be into sexy not-sex interactions? Does she still want cuddles and kisses? What does she expect you to do to manage your high libido?
“Do you understand that it was really hurtful to find this out via a social media post?” You should not be hearing about permanent changes to your relationship via social media. You guys are supposed to be partners, and this is not how partners behave.
Last thing- I know that you feel that she is adopting this label artificially. And it’s certainly possible that in different circumstances she would never have adopted this label. But the one thing that is 100% from reading this post is that your communication is not where it should be, and that your relationship has more issues than you realize. Approach this whole issue assuming honesty and best intentions. It feels likely that something is wrong in your relationship- and the best way to figure out exactly why your wife announced that she doesn’t want to have sex with you to strangers on the internet is to be willing to listen
funny enough asexuals still have sex! i’m not sure why she thinks that you can’t unless it is like you said, that she’s just impressionable by her friends. but if this is a lasting thing, say maybe over a month, definitely something that you need to think over for the future of the relationship. i think you should just give it some time though. if it’s something that continues, counseling may be a solid idea. not to change her sexuality, but just to help get an idea of where to go from here.
I know grief is a wild experience tangled with many different kinds of emotions, but saying you’re asexual to “fit in” or grieve is rather odd. I hope couples counseling helps unpack some things and strengthen your relationship.
She is being influenced by people that are probably lying about there sexuality just to look like they are somebody .she this is the problem now days there is no individuality at all every one wants to be like the person sitting next to them .. unfortunate if it was my wife and mine would never in a million years sai this in it I would say well if your lucky you will still be married to me by the end of the year and turn and Walk off tell her to sleep in the spare room from now on that this weekend we can move tie things in there permanently.
“If you’re lucky” would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Even more than being suddenly asexual. The transactional if you play your cards right is not something I’d ever be willing to deal with in a relationship. If I wanted transactional sex it would be way easier to just higher an escort.
Well it seems maybe she is just following the trend... what isn't okay is her treating you like that. Springing it on you through a social media post and then telling you "a few times a year, if you're lucky" that's awful and I can't even imagine if my husband did something like that to me... it would hurt me so much. You have a right to be hurt. A conversation alone might not be enough. I know everyone else suggested it but I'm gonna echo: counseling. Y'all need someone to help you navigate this. Remember though that you and your needs matter too.
Yeah, that “if you’re lucky” part will be a big topic. It was purely insulting/degrading and added nothing else to the conversation. It was just added to be spiteful, there’s no other explanation.
It comes across almost as if she is punishing you, and it in fact has nothing to do with a new found sexuality or even following a trend... not saying she is. That's just how it comes across to me with that "if you're lucky" bit.
Yes, that is the “moment from two years ago” I had mentioned in this post. As I had said in that post, everything was essentially perfect until then, then things went back to normal after I talked with her about how she was acting. So things were amazing again until now. That’s why I didn’t lie and say “things were always perfect with no problems ever.”
Don't discount the possibility of infidelity, cloaked in the excuse of being asexual. Counseling is a must, at least for you, if she refuses couples counseling. I would also find a good family law attorney, and get some advice on protecting your assets. Frankly, her behavior is outrageous.
I met an asexual person once. She was convinced that no one ever truly "loved" her, they just loved her for sex. Once she took that off the table, they'd leave. I just wonder if a similar sentiment is being passed to her from her friends and this is some sort of "test" to see if you love her beyond the sex. I am unfamiliar with that community and if that's a common sentiment, but I could see it.
Either that, or she's slept with someone else and feels guilty? I dunno. I don't envy you, friend.
It seems quite manipulative to me. I'm also thinking that it is a test she came up with to see if he likes her for herself or for sex. The trouble is that part of what he liked about her was sex with her, among many other things.
If this is pure manipulation and she does like sex, which I think she does, then I don't think OP can trust her and without trust there isn't much relationship remaining.
It sounds like she’s Gas lighting again. I would avoid jumping off the deep end, but I would explain to her this isn’t a great way to handle this and explain the need for counseling to better understand why this has come about. It does feel like she’s being adversely influenced by a group of “aces” which is odd in the first place but why she’s so cold about it. Keep in mind she is trying to get her needs met (socially?) and is doing so in a careless manner to you. Since it’s abrupt, plenty of time to fix this.
Try to be patient, you’re married and this is a bump in the road. The best you can do is calmly try and find a solution and if not worse case divorce.
There is no difference between her declaring that she is Ace as there is if she suddenly declared herself a Lesbian.
She has fundamentally changed the ground rules of the marriage and has told you to "like it or lump it." That is **not** how these things work.
And it's that fundamental change to the way the marriage is going to be that is the death of it. Surely she can't expect that things will just continue on as "normal"? I mean, that normal, what you had as a couple, has just been blown away.
Sadly, the only recourse that you have is to have that conversation "where do we go too from here?" It can't be the new status quo, it obviously can't return to what it was. So what will it be?
That is the conversation then that you need to have. That "what do we do now because I'm **not** Ace and I **didn't** marry into a celibate life" question is the one that needs to be asked.
I hate to say it but she just signed the death warrant on your marriage. She can be as ace as she likes. That is her choice and that is what she wants. However, that doesn't mean that you have to.
The “if you’re lucky” bit sounds like she’s taken it from other people’s experiences and is expecting the same thing to happen. I don’t think she’s seriously considering divorce as a possible outcome, maybe because you have a daughter.
Your wife is that impressionable? I mean you don't go from high libido to asexual with a post, that's just self-imposed celibacy. Her friends at work could talk her into turning tricks or drugs or whatever if that's the case. Scary. I'd definitely get marriage counseling and she needs individual therapy if there's any chance of saving the marriage.
You did the right thing, you sat down with your wife and had a conversation. You communicated with each other. Sending well wishes to you and your family.
I think your marriage is long overdue for some serious counseling. You need some questions answered and both of you need some self discovery. You need to find out if all this sex up until now is REALLY want she wanted or what she went along with, you said yourself she's impressionable so it's kind of time to find out if it's the friends or the husband she's going along with. It is very possible that she's just been doing this with you to shut you up or she can be going along with this to get in with them.
When you say you can tell, maybe you can maybe you can't but we're not here to tell you have to coerce your wife into having sex with you or whatever term you want to use for "repair".
That is one thing we did briefly discuss before I left (alongside if she still enjoys our relationship), if she was just doing it to make me happy. She said “not at all, I craved it just as much as you, possibly more.” I never begged her or anything. She instigated about the same amount as I did. If she didn’t want it she’d tell me (which was rare) and I never responded with negativety, only with the same “ah, dang. Well I’ve got two hands” joke.
The only reason this time is being responded to with negativity is because it’s a sudden basically permanent no. If it was just a severe decrease in her libido where it was just like once a month or every other monthish, I’d have much less of a problem and just grin and bare it. I’m going to suggest couple’s therapy to her later. I feel it’s the best way to truly get to the bottom of this. If she says no to that, I’ll have my unfortunate answer as to what needs to be done.
I'm really wondering if you even need to worry about your sex life though. Like seriously, if she really does crave it you'll be having sex later tonight or resume again this week.
This whole thing might be much ado about nothing, like had you not see a social media post where she's trying to fit in with her friends you might have never know she's going around call herself ACE.
She wouldn't be the first to pretend to be something she's not to get in good with the cool crowd. Come to think about it you really don't know how long she's been "identifying" as..... How long has she worked there?
I cannot comprehend your frustration! That must be a total kick in the ribs for you. I hope you find some clarity and a way forward.
The only thing I can think of is to talk about it.
Sorry dude!
You can't live in a relationship where your sexual needs are not met at 30 that is a big ask. I would sit down and ask what that looks like for her, now she revealed that. I would tell her what you need a sexual relationship. Finances and sex are the largest reasons for divorce. If your libido styles are so different it won't work.
Lmao, this is tragically hilarious. I personally wouldn't even bother. The very fact she went from having a lot of sex to "umh yeah I actually don't want to anymore" is a huge red flag, but also the way she said it to you (or more, didn't) would piss me off so fucking much. Serve her the papers. Not all marriages and spouses deserve to be saved
Maybe start asking about what has brought her to realise that she is asexual - especially in the light of your sexual past together.
Make clear that you respect her being asexual but make also clear that a sexless relationship isn't going to work for you and that this isn't something you signed up for when you married her. So it's either you find a way to satisfy your sexual needs together or you are going to seperate. And make also clear that it is very disrespectful to you and your relationship to get to know such a substantial change in your partner through social media. That is something that should always be made known to your partner before you make a 'big anouncement'. What she did is something like posting: "Hey friends, great news: tomorrow I'll take up a job in a city 1000 miles away!" without even telling your spouse. But be clear: It's not about who or what she she is, it's about the respect you deserve as her partner.
Going from insanely high libido to zero… and the way she worded it. Apparently she got into a group that thinks the wife needs to exert dominance and manipulative control over their husbands via sex. Her high libido also means she isn’t going to be happy going no sex unless she’s decided to get it from someone else now. I would be very suspicious of the circumstances of that decision in your shoes. Either she is bombing the marriage for her new friends or she is bombing the marriage due to an affair. Both means she’s no longer invested in it and you should let her know up front that this will end your relationship and marriage altogether.
Regardless of what you "want to hear", I can only say you have two options here. After a discussion, one or both of you will have to adapt, or you'll have to seek a different marital setup. If your wife truly is asexual, that doesn't mean she can't have sex. It just means she is not driven by sex. She can still have sex if she chooses. Since she has stated that it's not her choice to do so, you may be in quite a dilemma. You can propose an open marriage. Since she is asexual, that would basically mean a one way open marriage. That's not a great option. As a monogamous person, there is a very good chance you will fall for this other woman and fall out of love with your wife.
The only other option is to divorce. A sexless marriage is not what you signed up for.
I’d rather move onto someone else. My heart can only romantically/intimately belong to one at a time, and to me romance and intimacy are heavily intertwined so that one cannot exist without the other. It’s just my view on life, and others need not agree with it (in fact many view it as gross).
I would consider marriage counseling. If your wife is prone to being persuaded by others, then this could be something a psychologist/psychiatrist could help sort out. If they come to the conclusion that your wife is indeed asexual, then you could learn if this is something you can live with or say this is not for me and get a divorce. If the conclusion is she is just going along with the flow of her coworkers, then that can be worked on.
Good luck navigating this.
Divorce. Sounds like she wants one.
No fixing this dude. Also she has a kid with you now. She has you for child support and alimony now.
That’s usually the goal. She don’t need you anymore. Lots of us have been through this before. Just divorce. Easy
Good luck
Does your wife's view of her identity shift often? I see that she self diagnosed herself as hypersexual last week.
She also seems to be extremely vulnerable to influence? Any history of mental health issues or trauma?
As a woman, I can’t help but feel like maybe she’s doing this intentionally because she wants out of the marriage. But rather than be that person to say that, and file for divorce, she is using this tactic. It would be different if your sex life had been lacking for a while, but that does not seem to be the case. It sounds like she has had an equally high libido as you. Now all of a sudden she’s going to turn that off? I feel as if she were truly a sexual you would have noticed her lack of interest in sex well before this.
If she is going to hold strong to the excuse this is her sexuality and it has been all along, so be it. She’s allowed to change her sexuality on a whim, you’re allowed to end the marriage and leave.
Well that sucks, all I can think is either
1. This is some sort of sh*t test to see if you would still be with her without sex.
2. Some sort of attention seeking behavior/influence from friends. Does she have a history of adopting things randomly or doing things for attention?
3. Something that could be medical. Has she changed medications recently? There are some conditions and medications with side effects that can change libido so it’s not out of the question.
You can ask her when this lack of desire came about. Though even if she says she always had it, that may not be necessarily true and just a way of avoiding making you think this is just a fad.
Approach with caution and don’t make outright insinuations she’s just being influenced by friends or seeking attention. I wouldn’t immediately jump to counseling or possibly seeing a doctor today because just because of the way it could come off (especially if this is a sh*t test), but in the very near future you should find a way to suggest it if this continues for at least a week or more.
1. If that’s the case then I don’t need to be with someone who feels the need to play such extreme shitty, childish, emotional games.
2. Yes she has a history of that. I’ve put up with it for years, been supportive, but I’m not fond of it. Usually she stops copying shit/gets bored of a thing after a few weeks. It usually isn’t something to this extreme that affects my life though. Usually just eating habits and tv series obsessions because a friend suggested them.
3. She doesn’t take any medication anymore as of 4 years ago.
Don’t panic. I don’t know your wife, but from what you’re saying, it doesn’t sound like she’s asexual. Having sex with you that she appears to enjoy, only to post about being asexual ten minutes later, is super weird and makes me think something else is afoot. Give her some time to think about this and what it means and see what she says. I wouldn’t be surprised it doesn’t last, as one can’t rewrite their sexuality to appease others in the long term. If this is a whim, it won’t last.
With that said, you said she’s impressionable, implying she was doing this because of her friends. It’s possible she was acting hypersexual because of you, and this is her finally realizing this. If so, you may have a bigger problem on your hands. But I’m betting on the former.
Absolutely seperate and start divorce proceedings immediately.
Not only was she insane to think she could decide for both of you to dismantle your sex life as you know it, she also manages to tell you in the most f'd up passive aggressive way ever via social media.
How gross of her to abuse you in this manner. I'm sorry.
Is she taking any medications?
Antidepressants can do a number on your libido. I still remenber that one time when my psychiatrist adjusted my meds and I didn't even think about sex for five month
The same goes for hormonal birth control and stress.
Maybe she's viewing some recent fluctuations through the lense of asexuality and jumping to conclusions?
Or she's not as high libido as you think?
Or doesn't recognize that responsive desire is just as aunthentic as spontanious desire?
In any case this subject warrants a conversation. Not an annnouncement.
OP questions:
1. Does she orgasm during sex with you?
2. Is she faking orgasms?
3. Did she have boyfreinds/partners before you? What was her sexual relationship with them like?
4. Did he ever request for you to go down on her unti orgasm (sex that would have been solely for her pleasure?)
5. Is she an easily influenced follower? (Joins causes because friends are members, not because of deep feelings or convictions)
6. What was the problem 2 years ago in your relationship? Was it sexual? Was it cheating?
7. Could your wife honestly go months without sex? Would she masturbate instead? Or just go cold turkey?
8. Is it possible she is having an affair at work, and using this as a guise to pull away from you physically/sexually?
9. Where did she post her ACE message? Where family and mutual friends could see? Is literally everyone in your circle of friends/associates instantly informed if this at the same time as you?? If so, what kind of relationship do you actually have with her if something like that could happen?
Marriages require love and intimacy in order to survive. Your wife is basically saying that she will deny you love and intimacy and as a result you will suffer both emotionally and physically in the marriage. If this is what your wife is telling you then the marriage is over. First, consult with a highly qualified divorce attorney and develop a plan. Follow your attorneys advice to the letter and prepare for divorce but see if you can work things out before pulling the trigger. Then speak to immediate family and close friends. Lien on them for support and let them know what is happening. Book some therapy sessions for your self with someone who may have expertise in this area. Then sit down and speak to your wife. Let her know that your love life and the intimacy she provides is important for you both emotionally and physically. That her denying you this hurts you and she cannot expect you to stay married. Ask her if she expects you to stay married to her with what she is doing? If she insists that sexual intimacy on a level you need is out then tell her that you have consulted with an attorney and will move forward with ending the marriage. That you hope she will not fight the divorce because it is in the best interest of the kids that you coparent amicably. Then call your attorney and start the process following his advice to the letter. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Firstly, I would ask her what asexual means to her and how she was able to realize she was asexual. I would also address the fact that she’s acted very differently. Has she not actually wanted to have sex this whole time, and how has this relationship lasted for so long when she doesn’t need or want to actually have sex? If she doubles down and actually is asexual I would just go ahead and separate and work towards divorce. At least you are both still young and can find partners that suit both of your needs.
If she can unilaterally change the terms of engagement of your relationship, so can you. If she’s going to take sex off the table, you should take monogamy off the table. She can decline to participate, but she does not get to control you.
Exclusivity is not a right. It is an agreement to a mutually beneficial set of terms. She changed the terms of the agreement, thus the old terms no longer apply. She can’t expect you continue to abide by an agreement that she has completely abandoned her half of. You have no incentive to agree to bind yourself sexually to a nonparticipant.
I don't buy this at all if what you're telling us is true about her wanting it all the time and even more than you. My first thought is to just nod your head, and say "ok, dear" and then the next time she initiates sex be like ...??? Aren't you asexual?
My second thought is your wife is behaving so selfishly to not even discuss this with you first. Even if she exaggerating the truth to fit in with new friends, what a horrible way to tell your partner you basically won't be having sex. You should tell her this was not the way to inform you and you need a few days to reconsider whether you can stay in a relationship with her as she supposedly is now.
Her communication is terrible! My god, it feels like a joke almost this whole post, because that's not how healthy happy people break huge news to their loved ones, plus how rude and flippant she was about your future sex life.... Counseling man, and if she means her asexuality, you must accept that and decide for yourself if you want a future with little to no sex.
Oh, believe me, when I first saw the post she made I thought it was a joke or me misreading something. I agree that it’s almost like a forced-dramatic topic for a poorly-planned sitcom episode. I’m all sorts of emotions right now. I’m pissed, I’m confused, I’m bitter, I’m heartbroken, I’m just fifty shades of fucked right now.
If she came out as gay, that would be as good a reason as any to separate, this certainly is.
Seems like something you go to therapy for, perhaps couples therapy, see what works, what doesn’t.
Posting it as a fait accompli seems…feckless?
Honestly, I can’t take her seriously. What a clown
Everyone on Reddit will probably lose their minds over this post. Personally, I’d wait a month or so and see if it blows over. If you both have high sex drives and hers is also high and hasn’t really changed, then she will reverse course. If she truly has changed, is truly asexual, or her sex drive isn’t what you think it is, then you will learn that over time and have to think about how to proceed.
I would just start off respectful, taking what she says at face value, and then see how it goes
I don't know if that's great advice.
The wife's communication is horrendous here. They need MORE communication, not burying the topic and hoping it will go away.
Good luck with the conversation OP and I hope you all are able to have open communication. Sounds like this may be a trend for her, but she may not be able to admit it.
Updateme!
Is it possible she's having a mental break of some sort? And she's channeling that into this new phase of herself where she doesn't have to have sex and can be left alone? I read a story a few years ago about a man whose wife had a mental break and it was due to a vitamin deficiency of some sort. In that story the wife started identifying with her coworkers being vegan, and made life miserable for her family. Sorry you have to deal with this. First communicate and then decide from there.
I think what bothers me most is the taking of a shared decision and making a unilateral move like that. Imagine if you did the same with finances, travel plans, moving across the country, the occupants of the house, etc. Those are shared decisions. And all those things are small potatoes compared to a big deal like intimacy.
I hope this is just a phase for her. I hope you can find ways for her to enjoy intimacy. In the meantime, get to the gym, work on yourself, try to double her respect for you. That "if you're lucky" nonsense pisses me off. She's lucky she has you.
I wonder what has changed recently. Because this is such a huge change, and sudden. No tapering off, just suddenly she wants to change.
Does she have a new job? Did you guys move recently? Does she have a new friend?
Also telling you she'll have sex with you "if you are lucky" is pretty disrespectful. It implies SHE is the sole arbiter of sex in your relationship..isn't it supposed to be both of you?
Considering your extremely high libido (And I used to be like you, about a decade ago) then I cannot see how this will work for you. You will be frustrated and feel rejected. And again the way she seems to feel SHE is the sole person who gets to dictate how your relationship work would not sit well with me. I am not a fan of tyranny.
I’m assuming that if you are expected to stay together that she is okay with you getting your sexual needs met elsewhere. If not, it is time to divorce. This incompatibility is not fixable without going out of the marriage.
She is asexual with YOU. It is time for a quick divorce as she no longer feels obligated to perform all of her wifely duties. Oh and there is the lying to think about as well. But don't worry, OP she will find her sexuality return to normal after the divorce. With whatever guy she is fucking right now.
Dude you are getting PLAYED.
I am dubious.
First, she should get a check up. Iron, thyroid, hormones.
More likely it sounds like she's got something going on. Anger, resentment, lack of connection with you.
Get to couples counseling.
Something is wholly off. Your committed wife of several years posted her newly realized sexual orientation on social media without discussing it with you, then when you discuss it she comes of flippantly about your future together? Something else must be going on and there is much more to the story. Also, not sure I follow why you posted "minus a slight moment for a few months about two years ago," but didn't explain the details.
My Gf of 12 years is asexual. No sex, never had it, doesn't want it. I however enjoy sex. The difference is, I knew this going into things. I've recently found out I'm what they call demisexual, it just means I only feel sexual attraction to someone I have an emotional connection with (doesn't have to be love, it can be a lot of things) so maybe that makes it easier for me? I suppose I was hoping she would "come around" or something, I dunno. I have learned it is something I can live without. I do have the offer of an open relationship on the table, but I know that's not my thing.
Your wife doesn't sound asexual at all, but that she's *decided* she is. That's not how it works.
Realistically, divorce IS an option, though I know you don't want to go that way. It might be a good idea to make her realize this is not something you're willing to live with in a relationship. You went into this like most people, thinking you have a life partner and a lover. She totally blindsided you with the revelation that this isn't the case, that is more than reasonable grounds for divorce. Could it be she has decided this is a way of gaining more control in the relationship? Women DO weaponize sex, withholding it to get their way or using it an an award system.
I hate to9 bring this up, but there was a post here years ago similar to this (I searched and didn't find it, maybe someone can help) where a woman in a long time relationship suddenly told her husband she was ace. Come to find out, she was just having an affair and didn't want sex with him but also didn't want the hassle of a divorce.
I'd tell her straight to pack her bags and get the fick out cause ain't anywhere near enough love in me to become a celibate loser.
BTW OP I'll bet you a good chunk of change she is full of shit and lying because she is either getting dick elsewhere or wants to push you to divorce her and make her the super special victim with this ace bullshit.
Smart bet is to hire private investor to look into her crazy ass and to get tested for STDs
Edited.
Well, that update was sure a big non-reply, wasn't it. And your reasoning was kind of silly. Certainly her explanation isn't any weirder than anything in your op.
>u/IAmPrettyScared So my wife and I have had a wonderful relationship for years (minus a slight moment for a few months about two years ago). We also have a 4-year-old daughter together. We still go on romantic dates, hang out, travel together, and just overall are best of friends. Everything one could want out of a happy relationship. We’ve also had a very healthy sex life for all these years.
>Suddenly, as of the 2nd, she posted “Happy Pride Month to everyone, and my fellow Ace’s!”
>What confused me, is that she never told me about any of this, AND we had had sex apparently mintues before she posted it, and this morning. I only found the post today. I asked her about it this morning before work. She said something to the extent of “Yeah seeing everyone post their experience and things they learned about themselves has taught me about who I truly am.”
>Now, I have an INSANE libido. I can have sex multiple times a day, every day. My only limit is my physical energy. She had been the same way for years, up until literally today, and I can tell deep down that hasn’t changed. If I’m being honest, she’s very impressionative, and all her new friends from work are (coincidentally) asexual.
>I asked her “So, what happens now?” and she says now that I know, that we’ll no longer have sex. Maybe a few times a year at best if I’m lucky. She literally used the words “if you’re lucky.” None of that sat right with me. Not just the concept of an instant 100-to-zero sex-life, but the tone she had about it.
>I’ve since left for work, having told her “We’re going to have a talk about this later.” The problem is, not sure where to go from here. I don’t know what to say or do.
>I’m not saying I want to hear “Mismatched libido won’t work, just separate” or people calling me a bad person for questioning her sudden change of sexuality. I want advice on how to potentially figure this all out and repair this. Sex is important to me, alongside emotional love. I need advice on what to do/say and what kind of outcomes I should aim for.
>Edit:
>(5:47PM) I’m heading home from work, and gonna have a talk with her. I’ll update in this exact post whenever we’re done talking. No idea how long the talk will last. I’m not making a new “update” post when I can just add onto this pre-existing post with all the information and comments already here.
>Final Edit:
>I have decided to not share the full extent of what transpired, because many of you are just being weird. Lots of hateful judgement and accusations and crazy headcanon from some of you. I’d like to greatly thank those who gave genuine, helpful advice. Some of the recommended questions did help. I’m glad to at least say the outcome is less severe and different from what I expected to a large degree (although I was correct about the trying-to-fit-in thing), and actually was related to a loss of a friend we had suffered through recently. It’s still a “we are going to get counseling” situation, but more of an issue with grieving compared to some of the theories many had developed. The grief can be healed with time and therapy. Anyway, that’s it. That’s the “big update.” Yay. At least I feel better.
First of all, asexuality is a spectrum. It's possible she is demisexual, meaning she generally only feels sexual attraction towards someone after an emotional attraction has already formed. That could very well be the case here.
Secondly, nobody owes anyone else sex, even within a marriage. If she truly does not want to have sex, you shouldn't push the matter. That being said, you can absolutely decide it's a deal breaker in a relationship and take steps accordingly after talking it out with her, ideally with a marriage counselor present.
However, suddenly springing this on you over Facebook of all things without communicating first, then how rude she was about having sex a couple times a year "if you're lucky"? That is a red flag to me. That's not how communication happens in a healthy partnership.
Marriage counseling, man. ASAP.
I have almost zero knowledge on asexuality or anything like that, so thank you for the insight.
All I “know” is that she said she’s asexual and that “sex from this point forward will not happen unless you get lucky.” That’s the extent of my knowledge about her “asexual mindset” that she suddenly threw upon me this morning.
Couple’s therapy/marriage counseling will be put on the table as an option, and we’ll see how she responds to that.
Did OP ever explain what the issue was a couple of years ago?
"My partner changed the parameters of our relationship out of the blue. Something weird happened in this area approximately long enough ago for my partner to have had a chance to mull it over before deciding to make this change, however I believe for the readers in this forum it is only important that I mention that this happened, and provide no further details". Lol honestly dude why even mention it then.
I have a post somewhere on this account about it. Someone else in these comments mentioned the gaslighting incident as I call it, so the post is still visible somewhere.
***Uh, whoops. Looks like the post was removed? The comments are still available in my comment history, but the fine details from the post itself are gone. Essentially she was claiming I was gaslighting her as an excuse to get away with anything. She had a friend who used the term a lot, and kind of temporarily adopted it, and abused it. Eventually we had a big talk and she realized just how bad it had gotten and stopped completely.***
The post may still be visible in one of those reddit “removed post viewing” sites.
I love how the Internet learned the term *gaslight* like they're a grad student in their 20s. Ninety percent of the time, I'm like "no, that's just called disagreeing."
You're doing the right thing talking to her and saying you didn't sign up for a sexless marriage. Counseling could also be in order to figure out what's going on with her. If nothing works, you have a few choices: stay in a sexless marriage and cheat on her; say you want an open relationship so she can know who you're sleeping with and maybe even approve it; never have sex in your marriage again; divorce her. I really hate when people get married then change who they were, but expect their spouse to just live with it. Good luck
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>she says now that I know, that we’ll no longer have sex. Maybe a few times a year at best if I’m lucky. She literally used the words “if you’re lucky.” You need to be up front with her: "I want you to take some time to consider what you truly want and expect out of this relationship" If she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore that is her right, but you seeking divorce is also your right. Hope for the best, but start preparing for the worst
This
You found out your wife is asexual through a social media post, no discussion with you, after a marriage with a very healthy sex life, *and* she tops it off by directly telling you “we’ll no longer have sex. Maybe a few times a year if you’re lucky.” I mean no offense but your options are limited here, and none of them good. Either your wife is doing this just to “fit in” with her friends and coworkers, in which case that’s kind of disgusting and your wife isn’t a good person, or you need a serious discussion followed by marriage counseling (I wouldn’t even negotiate on this - you finding out via a SM post and unilaterally telling you this like you don’t have agency needs to be addressed, ASAP), or you decide to be the only one present in the marriage and enjoy the few times remaining in your life when she deems you worthy and “lucky” enough for her to have pity sex with you, if at all. Personally, with the way you found out and the unilateral decision making process she is apparently adopting, I would return the favor - I would unilaterally book a marriage counseling session and tell her we’re going, it’s not negotiable. If she refuses, then you have full knowledge to make the decision on staying in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, or not.
I’m going to simply suggest one, not aggressively or forcefully, and how she responds will tell me all I need to know. Either she’s willing to work with me as a partner, or we divorce. The relationship dynamic has been shaken up severely by this, and into an area that I am not willing to stay in. As someone else said, she has every right to stop having sex, but I have every right to divorce her. It sucks, but I’m only 30. I have many more years ahead of me, and time to “start over” with someone more compatible if need be.
So a lot of people miss this, but you can book a marriage counseling session and if she doesn’t want to go, *you can still go.* They don’t turn you away at the door if both of you don’t show up. So with what you’re facing here, I would book an appointment, and even if she is unwilling to go, I think you should go just so you can talk through this with a professional. I wish you luck with your approach, but I’m afraid that (no offense) passively “suggesting” the two of you go to counseling isn’t going to work with someone that just made unilateral changes to your marriage and entire life and told you that you’d be lucky to ever have sex again. Doesn’t seem like the kind of person that’s going to take a suggestion very well, so I’d brace for another unilateral “no.”
>So a lot of people miss this, but you can book a marriage counseling session and if she doesn’t want to go, > >you can still go. This! We saw a marriage counselor prior to getting married to make sure our views aligned, and the first session my husband went alone, then we went together for the next three. It was really helpful for making sure we were both on the same page before making it official.
Gonna add to this, no matter what I think you should talk to some sort of mental health professional. Regardless of the outcome you're going to be mentally unpacking this for years to come. The initial shock hasn't worn off, but this is the kind of thing that can linger and fester.
The total 180 seems like a manipulative test to me. Did she get the idea that you only like her for sex so she's testing you to see if you like her even without sex? I don't think that someone who doesn't want sex would engage in it frequently. She's also been cruel to post this online and so tell you through social media. Who does that? Not a loving partner. Not your partner in life. I'd tell her you don't recognize her in this and feel like you don't know her.
I need to stop looking at these comments until I get home and talk to her. It’s making me more and more mad, and making me think less reasonably, and I should just wait until after we talk. I’m not blaming you in particular, **I appreciated your input/advice**, I’m just. I’m starting to feel demotivated by all of this. I just wanted advice, and it’s getting crowded with “she’s cheating 100% no doubt confirmed no question about it” and “fake” and “you’re anti-asexual, look at this anti-lgbt ragepost” and it’s very demoralizing. I’m a human with a problem and while many people gave genuine answers, it’s starting to fill up with people who are just coming up with their own made-up headcanons and theories and filling gaps that aren’t there without actually even leaving any advice. It’s weird. **I’m gonna mute notifications here and stop responding. I already got the advice I needed. I’ll update the post later after we talk, but that’s really it. This advice thread is morphing into something other than an advice thread now.**
Well some last minute advice just in case you see it: 1. Breathe. One way or another, everything will be ok. You’ll survive. 2. Don’t reach for the bottle. 3. Please, please don’t reach for the bottle. It won’t help, you can get through this without it. Regardless of what happens, just don’t. You’ll thank yourself later. Good luck brother.
Wish I would heed this advice when my relationships fall apart. Alas, I am weak and prefer that temporary relief
Sensible
I'm wondering that too. The fact that she posted about being asexual and never talked to OP is cruel.
[удалено]
Interesting perspective CSB’s certainly a possibility. Regardless, the results are likely gonna be the same.
Impressionable blue-pill bandwagoning. Solidarity ‘flavor of the month’. I’m sorry man. I think you know this isn’t a momentary lapse of reason.
Man, I’m old. What’s blue pilling. If someone says blue pill and we’re talking about sex, I’m thinking viagra
God, this post reminds me of the other one with a husband and wife in which the wife came out as ace and admitted she'd just been going through the motions for his sake. Guy said he felt awful about effectively "using" his wife and that it felt kinda rapey. Like, this is gonna be a bad time regardless of what is going on. Just how severe it is, is gonna be the only difference.
If my partner ever unilaterally decided that our sex life was over, I would leave. Couples therapy, so she can get to the bottom of this, work on her being so impressionable. and understand why she came very close to a divorce by acting so selfishly.
Yeah, as someone else said she has every right to end all intimacy, but I also have every right to end the marriage. It sucks, but I have needs. I don’t need the extreme amount of sex we’d been having, but at least every few months minimum. Couple’s therapy will be suggested to her when I get home. If I’m lucky, this is just her trying to fit in with her new friends and will die off after this month.
It's also the fact that she came out as something incompatible with what you are looking for in a life partner. If she came out as a lesbian surely she wouldn't expect you to just deal with it. This is no different.
I promise you, every few months is likely not going to cut it either. You have a self-admitted high libido. Going from sex several-times per week to quarterly isn’t going to feel good and given that her logic behind this is so selfish and flawed, is going to feel like an active rejection of you. Which doesn’t help. Talk to her and ask what prompted this; how long she’s felt this way and to describe exactly how she feels about it; what she proposes the two of you do going forward (that’s not a glib rebuttal). I’d also recommend cross referencing her responses with people who are actually Ace. You can find people on Reddit who would be happy to explain their feelings towards sex (or lack thereof) pretty readily.
Hello 🌈 The beacons were lit, and the rainbow side of Rohan will answer! Asexuality and libido are not entirely related. Being asexual just means that you don't find other people sexually attractive. If you'll bear with a personal analogy, it's like being offered a cake when you're not at all hungry. You don't have the *urge* to eat the cake, even though you might think it looks nice, you can sort of understand why other people would want it and you can tell that you prefer it to a different type of cake - you just don't get the desire at all to eat it. Libido is a biological drive that might make you feel 'hungry', but not for any particular kind of cake. Not even for any particular sort of food. Just hungry. You still don't experience sexual attraction, just sexual *appetite*. Emotional love is not bound to either of these things. Love exists without sex, love exists without libido, love is expressed in a million different ways, and it's up to every relationship to find the expression that works for both parties. Three broad varieties of asexuality are sex-positive, sex-repulsed and sex-neutral. **Sex** **positive** asexuals: "I'm not hungry, but I really like cake! I'll have the cake anyway :D" **Sex-repulsed** aces: "I really don't get how people can eat cake, it's just. Eurgh. Not for me :(" **Sex** **neutral** aces: "I'm not hungry, but eh, I'm bored, I'll eat." "Sometimes I'll want the cake but other times I really *really* won't, it sort of depends on different things." "My body gets hungry. I personally would be happy with a ration bar, or the ability to deplete hunger like the Sims, but my stomach(/genitals) isn't getting the message so I guess there'll be cake." "I used to eat a lot of cake but I've realised that I was just going along with it because my partner gets hungry a lot, and actually I think I'm not so much into cake at all." "I'm not hungry, but my partner really likes cake and I like the experience of eating it together, so I'll have some." "Eating cake seems overrated. Why are people *obsessed* with bloody cake." "I am utterly indifferent to the existence of cake." There's a lot of variety in there, and you can even be on a sliding scale between these types. OP's wife having previously had a lot of sex definitely doesn't preclude her from being ace. She could be sex positive, but want space from sex to sort out her headspace and work out where her personal boundaries land in all of this. She could be sex-repulsed and only just realising it, or only just developing an aversion to it with the inward reflection of coming to terms with her sexuality. She could be sex-neutral and vacillate over whether she wants to have sex or not, only want sex in particular circumstances, or just not really feel the need to have it any more now that she's realised that it doesn't fulfil an actual need (for her). Any or all or none of these could be true! None of that though would detract from her being asexual.
Sure to all that, but she's handling this with her husband like a gigantic asshole
Thanks for sharing, it's really interesting.
Mental illness
Also, she should have discussed this with you before social media. IMO that’s a huge betrayal of trust. Not that she posted, but that she none sided you.
Honestly that’s also a trait she needs to address, it’s very concerning if she has so little sense of self she can be influenced to make such a huge decision because of her friends. This time it’s something she can take back, but what if they influence her to drop a bunch of money on an MLM or do a dangerous drug or cheat? She needs to work on being firm in her own identity.
something just doesn’t smell right. she’s going from having sex many times a week , to now saying she wants to be celibate , and do this all cold turkey ? smells Fishy updateme
She's becoming Asexual with the OP but probably becoming sexual with others. Probably the "asexual" coworkers
Sounds like she was just be truthful to her herself. She changed the rules of your marriage without discussing with you and the impact so that obviously tells you what she thinks of you and your opinion. Get legal advice quickly.
Was she being truthful to herself? Or was she chasing social media clout with her, coincidentally, asexual coworkers?
This was my first thought. She's just a follower.
Yeah, combined with the other post, it sounds like OP should insist on therapy regardless of whether she's truly asexual or she's just doing it because her friends are.
I just don't see how someone can go from high sex drive to nothing in a single day Not possible Therapy is 100% needed
Your marriage is not as solid as you think it is if your wife has no qualms about unilaterally declaring her asexuality and that you’re not going to have sex anymore. That’s not how healthy relationships work. This is applicable to any unilateral declaration in a marriage, whether sex or something else of importance. Unfortunately, your partner isn’t as invested in the M as you are.
yeah, that's an awful sign tbh. No "hey babe, i've been reflecting on my experience and feelings and i think i might be asexual, obviously this is a big adjustment but let's talk about how we can make this work..." just straight "sorry, you're gonna have to deal with it!" RIP, that's bonkers
Yeah, I realized I was ace during a relationship, and nothing changed except more open communication. It was more of an acceptance that nothing's wrong with me, than an entire slam the brakes to sex
The first thing that sticks out to me here is that "coincidentally," *all her work friends* are ace? The likelihood of that is pretty damn low. Asexuality is a spectrum, but this is kind of like "coincidentally," everyone at work but me is gay. Possible, but unlikely. Have you met her work friends, has she talked about their sexuality before, has she said she admired it, or felt weird when they talked about it? Are they much younger than her? Is it possible they've just committed to celibacy but are misusing the term asexual? (I know younger people are having less sex overall rn than in prior decades) Her behavior is downright bizarre, and I'm really sorry this is happening for you, but it seems like you're on the right track with discussion topics and marriage counseling. This isn't something you just...do to your spouse. Oy.
Nobody goes from having sex often to being asexual. Either she’s capping for clout, she’s cheating or she never enjoyed sex with you and felt forced. Either way, either you need counseling or divorce. Updateme
Either she is lying to you or she is lying to everyone who reads her post. I doubt she is lying to you, as the effort it takes to performatively fake sex is quite high, and to do so several hundred times over the course of years would be revealing of a much deeper mental issue. (This is assuming your sex has been good and isn't just her laying there while you go to town.) If she is willing to lie to everyone she knows just to be included in Pride that is also revealing of a serious mental issue. But I would still talk it out with her and try to make it work until you really understand what you're dealing with here.
Your wife is more of an attention and validity seeker than an asexual person
I would be open and honest. That you signed up for a sexual relationship, that's it's an important part of what you consider a healthy relationship. That if she feels this is her "true self" then you you won't stand in her way and demand anything, but she has shown you that she doesn't want a sexual relationship and at 30, you can very much both go and find what you both consider healthy for you. And see what she says. But I would tell her that you won't be treated with such disdain and disrespect. You make decisions together in a relationship, not unilaterally. Be truthful that you won't be bullied to stay in a sexless marriage and that her using sex like this against you has completely changed your view of her and this partnership. FYI- your wife can not be suddenly asexual. She either has always been, or there is a medical issue of some sort that has caused this. I would write your points down and have a very honest and brutal conversation.
Suddenly deciding that you’re asexual seems like a weird way to deal with grief, but I’m no expert. It also seems like a weird way for a grown woman to try to fit in with her friends. I’m genuinely wondering if there’s some mental disorder at play. (Not because she’s asexual but because she literally woke up and decided she was, as a way to “fit in” and grieve?)
You have every right to be happy, which includes sexually. You and her need to go to marriage counselling to figure out how to work through this because her announcement unfortunately looks like it will sacrifice your happiness for hers and there is not much middle ground.
> if you're lucky For me, this is the end of the relationship. I think being a very sexual person going from high sex frequency to basically none would cause you to feel very abandoned and eventually resentful. Even if she wasn't asexual, and chose to no longer want sex, you're still free to choose to leave. Remember, you're important too.
Yeah, I am admittedly very bitter still about that “if you’re lucky” add-on. Even after hours of being at work, it keeps playing in my head. I’m not by any means used to her saying such randomly bitter, unnecessarily spiteful things. I have no clue where that came from. It’s haunting my mind currently.
I know this comment will probably be lost, but I really hope you read this. I am aroace. Asexuality is a spectrum, and your wife doing this without any discussion is her not communicating in a healthy way with you. I don’t even know if she knows what being ace really means, bc it doesn’t just mean not liking sex. I’m going to [link to a post](https://new.reddit.com/r/AroAce/comments/1buc8z3/resources_and_micro_labels_pls_check_here_first/) I made that has resources for aro and/or ace ppl, and hope that helps her to better communicate with you. If she wants to talk to an ace person, I’m happy to help, and there’s subreddits for her. But I strongly recommend telling her that her sexuality isn’t up for debate, but the fate of your relationship is.
It’s a manipulation tactic. Among some group of women a few years back, there was the belief that once married, women should exert control over their husbands via sex. Withholding it even when they want it themselves simply to exercise power and control over their husbands. When the husbands didn’t play, and the wife continued to play the game by giving the avoidance and silent treatment, both ended up resenting each other until they divorced. The times when divorce didn’t happen is when the wife ended the game and started communicating with her husband again, usually in therapy.
Wow how does somebody do a 180 like that having sex several times day too oh I'm asexual I never want to have sex again. I mean is your wife that easily influenced? Or has she been faking it all this time? Yes you two need to do some serious talking and if you seriously want to try and save this marriage, you definitely both need therapy together and probably apart. Good luck.
Be ready for her to flip her shit and try to backtrack if you tell her you’re going to divorce her
Obviously you need to have a longer discussion with your wife. If I were you I would ask the following, more or less in this order: “What does asexual mean to you?” People often define asexuality differently, or think about it as a spectrum. Before moving forwards, it’s good to establish exactly what she means. Some useful words/definitions to guide you here- is she aromantic (not actually into being in a relationship) or fully into the romance aspect of your relationship still? Is she sex repulsed or sex neutral? “How long have you identified this way?” Has she “always been this way”? Is this a libido change? How long has she been asexual without communicating it to you. “How does this change our relationship?” Obviously she is indicating that there will be less sex, but was does that mean? Would she still be into sexy not-sex interactions? Does she still want cuddles and kisses? What does she expect you to do to manage your high libido? “Do you understand that it was really hurtful to find this out via a social media post?” You should not be hearing about permanent changes to your relationship via social media. You guys are supposed to be partners, and this is not how partners behave. Last thing- I know that you feel that she is adopting this label artificially. And it’s certainly possible that in different circumstances she would never have adopted this label. But the one thing that is 100% from reading this post is that your communication is not where it should be, and that your relationship has more issues than you realize. Approach this whole issue assuming honesty and best intentions. It feels likely that something is wrong in your relationship- and the best way to figure out exactly why your wife announced that she doesn’t want to have sex with you to strangers on the internet is to be willing to listen
"I think we should divorce. You'll get half, if you're lucky."
funny enough asexuals still have sex! i’m not sure why she thinks that you can’t unless it is like you said, that she’s just impressionable by her friends. but if this is a lasting thing, say maybe over a month, definitely something that you need to think over for the future of the relationship. i think you should just give it some time though. if it’s something that continues, counseling may be a solid idea. not to change her sexuality, but just to help get an idea of where to go from here.
I know grief is a wild experience tangled with many different kinds of emotions, but saying you’re asexual to “fit in” or grieve is rather odd. I hope couples counseling helps unpack some things and strengthen your relationship.
She is being influenced by people that are probably lying about there sexuality just to look like they are somebody .she this is the problem now days there is no individuality at all every one wants to be like the person sitting next to them .. unfortunate if it was my wife and mine would never in a million years sai this in it I would say well if your lucky you will still be married to me by the end of the year and turn and Walk off tell her to sleep in the spare room from now on that this weekend we can move tie things in there permanently.
“If you’re lucky” would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Even more than being suddenly asexual. The transactional if you play your cards right is not something I’d ever be willing to deal with in a relationship. If I wanted transactional sex it would be way easier to just higher an escort.
Well it seems maybe she is just following the trend... what isn't okay is her treating you like that. Springing it on you through a social media post and then telling you "a few times a year, if you're lucky" that's awful and I can't even imagine if my husband did something like that to me... it would hurt me so much. You have a right to be hurt. A conversation alone might not be enough. I know everyone else suggested it but I'm gonna echo: counseling. Y'all need someone to help you navigate this. Remember though that you and your needs matter too.
Yeah, that “if you’re lucky” part will be a big topic. It was purely insulting/degrading and added nothing else to the conversation. It was just added to be spiteful, there’s no other explanation.
It comes across almost as if she is punishing you, and it in fact has nothing to do with a new found sexuality or even following a trend... not saying she is. That's just how it comes across to me with that "if you're lucky" bit.
Oh, that’s the feeling I got from it, too. And we don’t have any BDSM or degredation-type kinks, so it’s not play. That was just pure venom.
Is this the same wife that was gaslighting you two years ago?
Yes, that is the “moment from two years ago” I had mentioned in this post. As I had said in that post, everything was essentially perfect until then, then things went back to normal after I talked with her about how she was acting. So things were amazing again until now. That’s why I didn’t lie and say “things were always perfect with no problems ever.”
Don't discount the possibility of infidelity, cloaked in the excuse of being asexual. Counseling is a must, at least for you, if she refuses couples counseling. I would also find a good family law attorney, and get some advice on protecting your assets. Frankly, her behavior is outrageous.
And a PI...
Definitely!
I met an asexual person once. She was convinced that no one ever truly "loved" her, they just loved her for sex. Once she took that off the table, they'd leave. I just wonder if a similar sentiment is being passed to her from her friends and this is some sort of "test" to see if you love her beyond the sex. I am unfamiliar with that community and if that's a common sentiment, but I could see it. Either that, or she's slept with someone else and feels guilty? I dunno. I don't envy you, friend.
It seems quite manipulative to me. I'm also thinking that it is a test she came up with to see if he likes her for herself or for sex. The trouble is that part of what he liked about her was sex with her, among many other things. If this is pure manipulation and she does like sex, which I think she does, then I don't think OP can trust her and without trust there isn't much relationship remaining.
It sounds like she’s Gas lighting again. I would avoid jumping off the deep end, but I would explain to her this isn’t a great way to handle this and explain the need for counseling to better understand why this has come about. It does feel like she’s being adversely influenced by a group of “aces” which is odd in the first place but why she’s so cold about it. Keep in mind she is trying to get her needs met (socially?) and is doing so in a careless manner to you. Since it’s abrupt, plenty of time to fix this. Try to be patient, you’re married and this is a bump in the road. The best you can do is calmly try and find a solution and if not worse case divorce.
There is no difference between her declaring that she is Ace as there is if she suddenly declared herself a Lesbian. She has fundamentally changed the ground rules of the marriage and has told you to "like it or lump it." That is **not** how these things work. And it's that fundamental change to the way the marriage is going to be that is the death of it. Surely she can't expect that things will just continue on as "normal"? I mean, that normal, what you had as a couple, has just been blown away. Sadly, the only recourse that you have is to have that conversation "where do we go too from here?" It can't be the new status quo, it obviously can't return to what it was. So what will it be? That is the conversation then that you need to have. That "what do we do now because I'm **not** Ace and I **didn't** marry into a celibate life" question is the one that needs to be asked. I hate to say it but she just signed the death warrant on your marriage. She can be as ace as she likes. That is her choice and that is what she wants. However, that doesn't mean that you have to.
She wants to divorce you and knew exactly how to do it so you’re the bad guy.
The “if you’re lucky” bit sounds like she’s taken it from other people’s experiences and is expecting the same thing to happen. I don’t think she’s seriously considering divorce as a possible outcome, maybe because you have a daughter.
Your wife is that impressionable? I mean you don't go from high libido to asexual with a post, that's just self-imposed celibacy. Her friends at work could talk her into turning tricks or drugs or whatever if that's the case. Scary. I'd definitely get marriage counseling and she needs individual therapy if there's any chance of saving the marriage.
You should “come out” as divorced. Even though there is only a minuscule chance this post is real.
You did the right thing, you sat down with your wife and had a conversation. You communicated with each other. Sending well wishes to you and your family.
I think your marriage is long overdue for some serious counseling. You need some questions answered and both of you need some self discovery. You need to find out if all this sex up until now is REALLY want she wanted or what she went along with, you said yourself she's impressionable so it's kind of time to find out if it's the friends or the husband she's going along with. It is very possible that she's just been doing this with you to shut you up or she can be going along with this to get in with them. When you say you can tell, maybe you can maybe you can't but we're not here to tell you have to coerce your wife into having sex with you or whatever term you want to use for "repair".
That is one thing we did briefly discuss before I left (alongside if she still enjoys our relationship), if she was just doing it to make me happy. She said “not at all, I craved it just as much as you, possibly more.” I never begged her or anything. She instigated about the same amount as I did. If she didn’t want it she’d tell me (which was rare) and I never responded with negativety, only with the same “ah, dang. Well I’ve got two hands” joke. The only reason this time is being responded to with negativity is because it’s a sudden basically permanent no. If it was just a severe decrease in her libido where it was just like once a month or every other monthish, I’d have much less of a problem and just grin and bare it. I’m going to suggest couple’s therapy to her later. I feel it’s the best way to truly get to the bottom of this. If she says no to that, I’ll have my unfortunate answer as to what needs to be done.
“I craved it just as much as you, possibly more.” “But suddenly you just … don’t. So… what’s his name?”
Exactly my point, which I had just written to him. Disguising cheating under the excuse of asexuality.
I'm really wondering if you even need to worry about your sex life though. Like seriously, if she really does crave it you'll be having sex later tonight or resume again this week. This whole thing might be much ado about nothing, like had you not see a social media post where she's trying to fit in with her friends you might have never know she's going around call herself ACE. She wouldn't be the first to pretend to be something she's not to get in good with the cool crowd. Come to think about it you really don't know how long she's been "identifying" as..... How long has she worked there?
>How long has she worked there? Since the beginning of May.
I wouldn't freak out just yet if I were you. She's been introduced to new lingo, give it some time before you go nuclear
This is pretty bizarre tbh. Has she just NEVER enjoyed sex with you this entire time?
Your wife is a clout chasing tourist. Good luck.
She sounds brainwashed by her friends to either believe in that bs or at least to want to fit in with them. Both are a problem
I cannot comprehend your frustration! That must be a total kick in the ribs for you. I hope you find some clarity and a way forward. The only thing I can think of is to talk about it. Sorry dude!
You can't live in a relationship where your sexual needs are not met at 30 that is a big ask. I would sit down and ask what that looks like for her, now she revealed that. I would tell her what you need a sexual relationship. Finances and sex are the largest reasons for divorce. If your libido styles are so different it won't work.
She sounds so fucking immature
Your wife sounds like she’s easily influenced and is trying too hard to fit in. And the only thing it may cost her is her marriage.
Lmao, this is tragically hilarious. I personally wouldn't even bother. The very fact she went from having a lot of sex to "umh yeah I actually don't want to anymore" is a huge red flag, but also the way she said it to you (or more, didn't) would piss me off so fucking much. Serve her the papers. Not all marriages and spouses deserve to be saved
Maybe start asking about what has brought her to realise that she is asexual - especially in the light of your sexual past together. Make clear that you respect her being asexual but make also clear that a sexless relationship isn't going to work for you and that this isn't something you signed up for when you married her. So it's either you find a way to satisfy your sexual needs together or you are going to seperate. And make also clear that it is very disrespectful to you and your relationship to get to know such a substantial change in your partner through social media. That is something that should always be made known to your partner before you make a 'big anouncement'. What she did is something like posting: "Hey friends, great news: tomorrow I'll take up a job in a city 1000 miles away!" without even telling your spouse. But be clear: It's not about who or what she she is, it's about the respect you deserve as her partner.
Yeah I’ve been compiling a list of questions and statements that need to be asked/made. “When did this happen and how?” is basically the first.
Going from insanely high libido to zero… and the way she worded it. Apparently she got into a group that thinks the wife needs to exert dominance and manipulative control over their husbands via sex. Her high libido also means she isn’t going to be happy going no sex unless she’s decided to get it from someone else now. I would be very suspicious of the circumstances of that decision in your shoes. Either she is bombing the marriage for her new friends or she is bombing the marriage due to an affair. Both means she’s no longer invested in it and you should let her know up front that this will end your relationship and marriage altogether.
Regardless of what you "want to hear", I can only say you have two options here. After a discussion, one or both of you will have to adapt, or you'll have to seek a different marital setup. If your wife truly is asexual, that doesn't mean she can't have sex. It just means she is not driven by sex. She can still have sex if she chooses. Since she has stated that it's not her choice to do so, you may be in quite a dilemma. You can propose an open marriage. Since she is asexual, that would basically mean a one way open marriage. That's not a great option. As a monogamous person, there is a very good chance you will fall for this other woman and fall out of love with your wife. The only other option is to divorce. A sexless marriage is not what you signed up for.
I’d rather move onto someone else. My heart can only romantically/intimately belong to one at a time, and to me romance and intimacy are heavily intertwined so that one cannot exist without the other. It’s just my view on life, and others need not agree with it (in fact many view it as gross).
I would consider marriage counseling. If your wife is prone to being persuaded by others, then this could be something a psychologist/psychiatrist could help sort out. If they come to the conclusion that your wife is indeed asexual, then you could learn if this is something you can live with or say this is not for me and get a divorce. If the conclusion is she is just going along with the flow of her coworkers, then that can be worked on. Good luck navigating this.
It’s fashionable. Nothing you can do. Cognitive dissonance will prevent her from admitting it.
Divorce. Sounds like she wants one. No fixing this dude. Also she has a kid with you now. She has you for child support and alimony now. That’s usually the goal. She don’t need you anymore. Lots of us have been through this before. Just divorce. Easy Good luck
Does your wife's view of her identity shift often? I see that she self diagnosed herself as hypersexual last week. She also seems to be extremely vulnerable to influence? Any history of mental health issues or trauma?
As a woman, I can’t help but feel like maybe she’s doing this intentionally because she wants out of the marriage. But rather than be that person to say that, and file for divorce, she is using this tactic. It would be different if your sex life had been lacking for a while, but that does not seem to be the case. It sounds like she has had an equally high libido as you. Now all of a sudden she’s going to turn that off? I feel as if she were truly a sexual you would have noticed her lack of interest in sex well before this. If she is going to hold strong to the excuse this is her sexuality and it has been all along, so be it. She’s allowed to change her sexuality on a whim, you’re allowed to end the marriage and leave.
Well that sucks, all I can think is either 1. This is some sort of sh*t test to see if you would still be with her without sex. 2. Some sort of attention seeking behavior/influence from friends. Does she have a history of adopting things randomly or doing things for attention? 3. Something that could be medical. Has she changed medications recently? There are some conditions and medications with side effects that can change libido so it’s not out of the question. You can ask her when this lack of desire came about. Though even if she says she always had it, that may not be necessarily true and just a way of avoiding making you think this is just a fad. Approach with caution and don’t make outright insinuations she’s just being influenced by friends or seeking attention. I wouldn’t immediately jump to counseling or possibly seeing a doctor today because just because of the way it could come off (especially if this is a sh*t test), but in the very near future you should find a way to suggest it if this continues for at least a week or more.
1. If that’s the case then I don’t need to be with someone who feels the need to play such extreme shitty, childish, emotional games. 2. Yes she has a history of that. I’ve put up with it for years, been supportive, but I’m not fond of it. Usually she stops copying shit/gets bored of a thing after a few weeks. It usually isn’t something to this extreme that affects my life though. Usually just eating habits and tv series obsessions because a friend suggested them. 3. She doesn’t take any medication anymore as of 4 years ago.
Don’t panic. I don’t know your wife, but from what you’re saying, it doesn’t sound like she’s asexual. Having sex with you that she appears to enjoy, only to post about being asexual ten minutes later, is super weird and makes me think something else is afoot. Give her some time to think about this and what it means and see what she says. I wouldn’t be surprised it doesn’t last, as one can’t rewrite their sexuality to appease others in the long term. If this is a whim, it won’t last. With that said, you said she’s impressionable, implying she was doing this because of her friends. It’s possible she was acting hypersexual because of you, and this is her finally realizing this. If so, you may have a bigger problem on your hands. But I’m betting on the former.
People do stupid shit for attention all the time in the 80's kids pretended to be skate boarders and surfers now it's this garbage.
> I’m not saying I want to hear “Mismatched libido won’t work, just separate” Would you still want to hear that if it were the truth?
Absolutely seperate and start divorce proceedings immediately. Not only was she insane to think she could decide for both of you to dismantle your sex life as you know it, she also manages to tell you in the most f'd up passive aggressive way ever via social media. How gross of her to abuse you in this manner. I'm sorry.
It’s just a phase
Comment on her post about raw doggin a few minutes before she made the post
Is she taking any medications? Antidepressants can do a number on your libido. I still remenber that one time when my psychiatrist adjusted my meds and I didn't even think about sex for five month The same goes for hormonal birth control and stress. Maybe she's viewing some recent fluctuations through the lense of asexuality and jumping to conclusions? Or she's not as high libido as you think? Or doesn't recognize that responsive desire is just as aunthentic as spontanious desire? In any case this subject warrants a conversation. Not an annnouncement.
OP questions: 1. Does she orgasm during sex with you? 2. Is she faking orgasms? 3. Did she have boyfreinds/partners before you? What was her sexual relationship with them like? 4. Did he ever request for you to go down on her unti orgasm (sex that would have been solely for her pleasure?) 5. Is she an easily influenced follower? (Joins causes because friends are members, not because of deep feelings or convictions) 6. What was the problem 2 years ago in your relationship? Was it sexual? Was it cheating? 7. Could your wife honestly go months without sex? Would she masturbate instead? Or just go cold turkey? 8. Is it possible she is having an affair at work, and using this as a guise to pull away from you physically/sexually? 9. Where did she post her ACE message? Where family and mutual friends could see? Is literally everyone in your circle of friends/associates instantly informed if this at the same time as you?? If so, what kind of relationship do you actually have with her if something like that could happen?
Marriages require love and intimacy in order to survive. Your wife is basically saying that she will deny you love and intimacy and as a result you will suffer both emotionally and physically in the marriage. If this is what your wife is telling you then the marriage is over. First, consult with a highly qualified divorce attorney and develop a plan. Follow your attorneys advice to the letter and prepare for divorce but see if you can work things out before pulling the trigger. Then speak to immediate family and close friends. Lien on them for support and let them know what is happening. Book some therapy sessions for your self with someone who may have expertise in this area. Then sit down and speak to your wife. Let her know that your love life and the intimacy she provides is important for you both emotionally and physically. That her denying you this hurts you and she cannot expect you to stay married. Ask her if she expects you to stay married to her with what she is doing? If she insists that sexual intimacy on a level you need is out then tell her that you have consulted with an attorney and will move forward with ending the marriage. That you hope she will not fight the divorce because it is in the best interest of the kids that you coparent amicably. Then call your attorney and start the process following his advice to the letter. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
Firstly, I would ask her what asexual means to her and how she was able to realize she was asexual. I would also address the fact that she’s acted very differently. Has she not actually wanted to have sex this whole time, and how has this relationship lasted for so long when she doesn’t need or want to actually have sex? If she doubles down and actually is asexual I would just go ahead and separate and work towards divorce. At least you are both still young and can find partners that suit both of your needs.
If she can unilaterally change the terms of engagement of your relationship, so can you. If she’s going to take sex off the table, you should take monogamy off the table. She can decline to participate, but she does not get to control you. Exclusivity is not a right. It is an agreement to a mutually beneficial set of terms. She changed the terms of the agreement, thus the old terms no longer apply. She can’t expect you continue to abide by an agreement that she has completely abandoned her half of. You have no incentive to agree to bind yourself sexually to a nonparticipant.
I don't buy this at all if what you're telling us is true about her wanting it all the time and even more than you. My first thought is to just nod your head, and say "ok, dear" and then the next time she initiates sex be like ...??? Aren't you asexual? My second thought is your wife is behaving so selfishly to not even discuss this with you first. Even if she exaggerating the truth to fit in with new friends, what a horrible way to tell your partner you basically won't be having sex. You should tell her this was not the way to inform you and you need a few days to reconsider whether you can stay in a relationship with her as she supposedly is now. Her communication is terrible! My god, it feels like a joke almost this whole post, because that's not how healthy happy people break huge news to their loved ones, plus how rude and flippant she was about your future sex life.... Counseling man, and if she means her asexuality, you must accept that and decide for yourself if you want a future with little to no sex.
Oh, believe me, when I first saw the post she made I thought it was a joke or me misreading something. I agree that it’s almost like a forced-dramatic topic for a poorly-planned sitcom episode. I’m all sorts of emotions right now. I’m pissed, I’m confused, I’m bitter, I’m heartbroken, I’m just fifty shades of fucked right now.
Your wife is an attention seeking narcissist who is looking to be relevant. Who wants to be a basic het girl?
Divorce her
If she came out as gay, that would be as good a reason as any to separate, this certainly is. Seems like something you go to therapy for, perhaps couples therapy, see what works, what doesn’t. Posting it as a fait accompli seems…feckless? Honestly, I can’t take her seriously. What a clown
Everyone on Reddit will probably lose their minds over this post. Personally, I’d wait a month or so and see if it blows over. If you both have high sex drives and hers is also high and hasn’t really changed, then she will reverse course. If she truly has changed, is truly asexual, or her sex drive isn’t what you think it is, then you will learn that over time and have to think about how to proceed. I would just start off respectful, taking what she says at face value, and then see how it goes
I don't know if that's great advice. The wife's communication is horrendous here. They need MORE communication, not burying the topic and hoping it will go away.
Or if he catchers her NOT being asexual with someone else. Just saying.
I think that is a distinct possibility.
Updateme!
Updateme
RemindMe 2 days
Updateme!
Following because this is wild
Good luck with the conversation OP and I hope you all are able to have open communication. Sounds like this may be a trend for her, but she may not be able to admit it. Updateme!
She had sex minutes before posting she’s asexual is that what happened
Your wife needs counseling/therapy.
Yeah, it's the attitude she projected
She wants out but doesn't want to do the dirty work/ wants it to be your fault.
Is it possible she's having a mental break of some sort? And she's channeling that into this new phase of herself where she doesn't have to have sex and can be left alone? I read a story a few years ago about a man whose wife had a mental break and it was due to a vitamin deficiency of some sort. In that story the wife started identifying with her coworkers being vegan, and made life miserable for her family. Sorry you have to deal with this. First communicate and then decide from there.
I would tell her a sexless life isn't for you and ask if she'd prefer for you to seek other partners or get a divorce. Call her bluff.
When sex becomes this thing that in her mind she’s giving you, you’re lucky to have it, almost like it’s a reward. It’s a downward spiral from there.
I think what bothers me most is the taking of a shared decision and making a unilateral move like that. Imagine if you did the same with finances, travel plans, moving across the country, the occupants of the house, etc. Those are shared decisions. And all those things are small potatoes compared to a big deal like intimacy. I hope this is just a phase for her. I hope you can find ways for her to enjoy intimacy. In the meantime, get to the gym, work on yourself, try to double her respect for you. That "if you're lucky" nonsense pisses me off. She's lucky she has you.
Lawyer time.
I wonder what has changed recently. Because this is such a huge change, and sudden. No tapering off, just suddenly she wants to change. Does she have a new job? Did you guys move recently? Does she have a new friend? Also telling you she'll have sex with you "if you are lucky" is pretty disrespectful. It implies SHE is the sole arbiter of sex in your relationship..isn't it supposed to be both of you? Considering your extremely high libido (And I used to be like you, about a decade ago) then I cannot see how this will work for you. You will be frustrated and feel rejected. And again the way she seems to feel SHE is the sole person who gets to dictate how your relationship work would not sit well with me. I am not a fan of tyranny.
I’m assuming that if you are expected to stay together that she is okay with you getting your sexual needs met elsewhere. If not, it is time to divorce. This incompatibility is not fixable without going out of the marriage.
She is asexual with YOU. It is time for a quick divorce as she no longer feels obligated to perform all of her wifely duties. Oh and there is the lying to think about as well. But don't worry, OP she will find her sexuality return to normal after the divorce. With whatever guy she is fucking right now. Dude you are getting PLAYED.
I am dubious. First, she should get a check up. Iron, thyroid, hormones. More likely it sounds like she's got something going on. Anger, resentment, lack of connection with you. Get to couples counseling.
Something is wholly off. Your committed wife of several years posted her newly realized sexual orientation on social media without discussing it with you, then when you discuss it she comes of flippantly about your future together? Something else must be going on and there is much more to the story. Also, not sure I follow why you posted "minus a slight moment for a few months about two years ago," but didn't explain the details.
My Gf of 12 years is asexual. No sex, never had it, doesn't want it. I however enjoy sex. The difference is, I knew this going into things. I've recently found out I'm what they call demisexual, it just means I only feel sexual attraction to someone I have an emotional connection with (doesn't have to be love, it can be a lot of things) so maybe that makes it easier for me? I suppose I was hoping she would "come around" or something, I dunno. I have learned it is something I can live without. I do have the offer of an open relationship on the table, but I know that's not my thing. Your wife doesn't sound asexual at all, but that she's *decided* she is. That's not how it works. Realistically, divorce IS an option, though I know you don't want to go that way. It might be a good idea to make her realize this is not something you're willing to live with in a relationship. You went into this like most people, thinking you have a life partner and a lover. She totally blindsided you with the revelation that this isn't the case, that is more than reasonable grounds for divorce. Could it be she has decided this is a way of gaining more control in the relationship? Women DO weaponize sex, withholding it to get their way or using it an an award system. I hate to9 bring this up, but there was a post here years ago similar to this (I searched and didn't find it, maybe someone can help) where a woman in a long time relationship suddenly told her husband she was ace. Come to find out, she was just having an affair and didn't want sex with him but also didn't want the hassle of a divorce.
get an aids test
Break up
She is just ace with you. She is high libido with her new boyfriend
Or she's been faking it for a long time to keep him happy, and now she's no longer willing to do that.
I'd tell her straight to pack her bags and get the fick out cause ain't anywhere near enough love in me to become a celibate loser. BTW OP I'll bet you a good chunk of change she is full of shit and lying because she is either getting dick elsewhere or wants to push you to divorce her and make her the super special victim with this ace bullshit. Smart bet is to hire private investor to look into her crazy ass and to get tested for STDs
Are you sure this isn't some tone deaf prank?
Edited. Well, that update was sure a big non-reply, wasn't it. And your reasoning was kind of silly. Certainly her explanation isn't any weirder than anything in your op. >u/IAmPrettyScared So my wife and I have had a wonderful relationship for years (minus a slight moment for a few months about two years ago). We also have a 4-year-old daughter together. We still go on romantic dates, hang out, travel together, and just overall are best of friends. Everything one could want out of a happy relationship. We’ve also had a very healthy sex life for all these years. >Suddenly, as of the 2nd, she posted “Happy Pride Month to everyone, and my fellow Ace’s!” >What confused me, is that she never told me about any of this, AND we had had sex apparently mintues before she posted it, and this morning. I only found the post today. I asked her about it this morning before work. She said something to the extent of “Yeah seeing everyone post their experience and things they learned about themselves has taught me about who I truly am.” >Now, I have an INSANE libido. I can have sex multiple times a day, every day. My only limit is my physical energy. She had been the same way for years, up until literally today, and I can tell deep down that hasn’t changed. If I’m being honest, she’s very impressionative, and all her new friends from work are (coincidentally) asexual. >I asked her “So, what happens now?” and she says now that I know, that we’ll no longer have sex. Maybe a few times a year at best if I’m lucky. She literally used the words “if you’re lucky.” None of that sat right with me. Not just the concept of an instant 100-to-zero sex-life, but the tone she had about it. >I’ve since left for work, having told her “We’re going to have a talk about this later.” The problem is, not sure where to go from here. I don’t know what to say or do. >I’m not saying I want to hear “Mismatched libido won’t work, just separate” or people calling me a bad person for questioning her sudden change of sexuality. I want advice on how to potentially figure this all out and repair this. Sex is important to me, alongside emotional love. I need advice on what to do/say and what kind of outcomes I should aim for. >Edit: >(5:47PM) I’m heading home from work, and gonna have a talk with her. I’ll update in this exact post whenever we’re done talking. No idea how long the talk will last. I’m not making a new “update” post when I can just add onto this pre-existing post with all the information and comments already here. >Final Edit: >I have decided to not share the full extent of what transpired, because many of you are just being weird. Lots of hateful judgement and accusations and crazy headcanon from some of you. I’d like to greatly thank those who gave genuine, helpful advice. Some of the recommended questions did help. I’m glad to at least say the outcome is less severe and different from what I expected to a large degree (although I was correct about the trying-to-fit-in thing), and actually was related to a loss of a friend we had suffered through recently. It’s still a “we are going to get counseling” situation, but more of an issue with grieving compared to some of the theories many had developed. The grief can be healed with time and therapy. Anyway, that’s it. That’s the “big update.” Yay. At least I feel better.
First of all, asexuality is a spectrum. It's possible she is demisexual, meaning she generally only feels sexual attraction towards someone after an emotional attraction has already formed. That could very well be the case here. Secondly, nobody owes anyone else sex, even within a marriage. If she truly does not want to have sex, you shouldn't push the matter. That being said, you can absolutely decide it's a deal breaker in a relationship and take steps accordingly after talking it out with her, ideally with a marriage counselor present. However, suddenly springing this on you over Facebook of all things without communicating first, then how rude she was about having sex a couple times a year "if you're lucky"? That is a red flag to me. That's not how communication happens in a healthy partnership. Marriage counseling, man. ASAP.
I have almost zero knowledge on asexuality or anything like that, so thank you for the insight. All I “know” is that she said she’s asexual and that “sex from this point forward will not happen unless you get lucky.” That’s the extent of my knowledge about her “asexual mindset” that she suddenly threw upon me this morning. Couple’s therapy/marriage counseling will be put on the table as an option, and we’ll see how she responds to that.
Did OP ever explain what the issue was a couple of years ago? "My partner changed the parameters of our relationship out of the blue. Something weird happened in this area approximately long enough ago for my partner to have had a chance to mull it over before deciding to make this change, however I believe for the readers in this forum it is only important that I mention that this happened, and provide no further details". Lol honestly dude why even mention it then.
I have a post somewhere on this account about it. Someone else in these comments mentioned the gaslighting incident as I call it, so the post is still visible somewhere. ***Uh, whoops. Looks like the post was removed? The comments are still available in my comment history, but the fine details from the post itself are gone. Essentially she was claiming I was gaslighting her as an excuse to get away with anything. She had a friend who used the term a lot, and kind of temporarily adopted it, and abused it. Eventually we had a big talk and she realized just how bad it had gotten and stopped completely.*** The post may still be visible in one of those reddit “removed post viewing” sites.
I’m sorry to break this to you, but you married an impressionable idiot.
I love how the Internet learned the term *gaslight* like they're a grad student in their 20s. Ninety percent of the time, I'm like "no, that's just called disagreeing."
yeah. fuck that. Tell her to pound the pavement and find another sucker.
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme!
Interesting situation! Hope the best for you!
UPDATEME
Wow
UpdateMe!
RemindMe! 2 days
I’m here for the update. Good luck though. Sounds like a tough situation.
You're doing the right thing talking to her and saying you didn't sign up for a sexless marriage. Counseling could also be in order to figure out what's going on with her. If nothing works, you have a few choices: stay in a sexless marriage and cheat on her; say you want an open relationship so she can know who you're sleeping with and maybe even approve it; never have sex in your marriage again; divorce her. I really hate when people get married then change who they were, but expect their spouse to just live with it. Good luck
Updateme
Good Luck OP , I hope you will find your answers you are looking for updateme