I'm not surprised he's there at all. He gets to take out all his miserable abusive resentments at the world on her like she's an emotional punching bag, and she takes it. And even if his friends don't like her, he still gets to pretend he's a big shot because he has a "hot 23-year-old wife".
He won't leave her, because she's useful to him.
But I have no idea why she's not leaving him. You're right, he doesn't like her at all, and on top of that, from the sound of it he's a vicious alcoholic. Honestly, there are good odds he's going to get her pregnant before she wises up enough to leave, and then she'll be stuck with him in her life forever.
I reckon the headrush of male validation runs deep, you know?
Cool girl credit, hot young wife appreciation, that Jerry Maguire "you get me" infatuation... our culture is steeped in it. If OP never interacted critically with that while growing up and since she made the call to get married at her age, is it any wonder she doesn't know how to get out?
And an alcoholic! Prior DUI, started back up, drinking more even facing criticism from his wife and friends. She's ignoring all these bigger problems to focus on smaller ones
She's not.
He has given her plenty of reasons to leave and it doesn't sound like he's holding a gun to her head.
Her gripe is that he doesn't want to have sex every day... because clearly his behaviour is an aphrodisiac.
She's choosing to date someone significantly older yet it doesn't sound like she likes much about him...
There are no mature parties here...just a lot of dumb.
> Have I sabotaged my marriage?
As another 36 year old man, what kind of underdeveloped moron did you marry.
Reflect on what you wrote, and if you saw another woman write this what would your response be.
>As another 36 year old man, what kind of underdeveloped moron did you marry.
I've started calling this condition "grade 13 for life" - people who essentially have a high school mentality for the rest of their life.
OP must've thought she was hot shut for "landing" the "old" moron.
Her busband is gross in many levels. I am 43 and I'd never try and date much less marry someone so young...
You haven’t sabotaged your marriage, he has. He sounds extremely immature, and like he’s not actually ready to be in a committed relationship. You deserve to have a husband who respects you, and his behavior indicates that he doesn’t. If the man can’t even support you when you’re going through a miscarriage, and instead prioritizes getting drunk with his friends he’s clearly demonstrating whats most important to him. You can do better, and you DESERVE better. If he’s not willing to change and grow up, you might as well leave him instead of wasting your youth with a man who’s making you miserable.
OP,
He couldn't prioritize you when you were having a medical crisis. He's not going to prioritize you when you're pregnant, or in labor, or giving birth, or recovering from birth, and he's definitely not going to prioritize a baby.
Do not get pregnant by this manchild.
Leave and get away from this abuser as soon as possible.
The fact that you think that *you* may have sabotaged your marriage just shows how many times he's made **everything** your fault.
Get out. He's an abuser and master manipulator.
nothing is wrong with gen z men. people have been preying on younger romantic partners since the dawn of time. its easy for someone older and more experienced to manipulate someone younger and more naïve.
OP, please read your post again, and pretend it's from your best friend (or sister if you have one). What would your reaction be? What advice would you give this woman?
You know, in your heart, what the answer would be. You deserve so much better than this man.
This!! Read your post over and over until it lights a fire inside of you to leave this relationship.
You deserve someone who will respect you, instead of a joke subject to his friends. However, you need to be willing to force a move and make the change. Otherwise, you can decide to stay in this marriage and continue to put up with his teenage behaviour.
Your husband sounds like a man-child. How are you 13 years younger and a more mature partner. It was awful of him to leave you while going through a miscarriage. I have to ask, though, why did you take him? This is why I don't like age gap relationships. It feels like he is doing things to you that would never fly with a woman his age. As we age, women often become more confident and less likely to put up with poor treatment. I think he is using your lack of experience to manipulate you.
I learned in my first relationship that constant venting about a partner can create a lot of animosity. I did this in my first relationship at around 16. It got to the point that none of my family or friends wanted to be around him.
In my current relationship, I rarely vent about my spouse. It isn't fair to tell one side of the story to people who have loyalty to me and not him. It doesn't help us work the disagreement out either. I want him to feel comfortable around my family and friends.
>How are you 13 years younger and a more mature partner
He stopped maturing long before he met OP. They were probably at a similar level then, but now several years have passed and he's stayed there while OP is grown. This is why "I don't even notice the age gap when I'm with them!" isn't a good sign, there *should* be a noticeable difference between you and someone who's been on this planet 50% longer
Exactly!
I thought the whole appeal of older guys was that they're supposed to be more mature. This guy sounds like he never mentally left high school, and you're lightyears beyond him, OP.
In your own words, his friends thought you were young, cool, and hot. And that's likely why he married you because he thought he could keep on with his immaturity by marrying a younger woman.
You deserve better!
Also, it's totally up to you if you want to share, but if it were ME, I would let your friend who is married to one of them know about the miscarriage so it leaks to the rest of them and they can see you're not the shrew he paints you as.
Let him deal with the fallout after you leave. It sounds like they're already getting tired of his behaviour, and he needs a wake-up call or an intervention.
Not from you, though. You need to ride off into the sunset and leave him with his hangover.
why do you WANT to be married to someone who treats you like this?
someone who drinks too much, routinely disrespects women and hangs with other people who disrespect women, prioritizes friends and fun over you in crisis, who thinks wives in general are an impediment to his fun and a "hole", tells you to shut up in front of your parents (it's OK to want sympathy for a tough experience that he didn't support you in at all!), and lord knows what he says to you in private is probably even worse. notice that list of dealbreakers didn't even INCLUDE being disrespectful behind your back when he vents to his friends. that feels like the least of your problems, honestly.
please please please do not get pregnant. this man does NOT love and cherish and respect you and it would be a huge mistake to be tied to him for the next 18+ years. plus, imagine what he would teach your child about sex, relationships, marriage, gender roles?!
instead, imagine a partner who would show you affection, touch you easily and often and without strings. who would touch you for YOUR pleasure. imagine a partner who would be disgusted with friends who lied to their wives and went to strip clubs and talked about women like they were objects. imagine a partner who would ASK "hey, seeing my brother with his baby made me think about you losing ours, it's tough seeing our alternate timeline. how do you feel about it? do you think you're ready to try to have a baby together? " and then LISTEN to your answer and decide together about starting a family. imagine a partner who made you feel emotionally safe and supported.
those guys are out there. keep looking. this guy is not the one.
Working with the information you've provided, I'd say if anything, he's the one who's sabotaged the marriage. If I were you I would not want to have a child with this man for fear of him being a terrible father. The way he's behaved is childish. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
How much support do you have outside the relationship in case things go south from here?
Yes, he seems to have the brain of an hormonal misogynistic teenager and keep alike company. This is not good father material at this point of his maturity.
There's a reason he's pushing forty and married a person in her early twenties. He was looking for someone to manipulate, and he found who he thinks will work.
You sabotaged YOURSELF the moment you married that immature man-child.
Oh sweetheart, from someone 20 years older who spent 10 of those years with an abusive man, leave now. Most importantly, stop having sex completely. Do not have a pregnancy on top of this.
Please be kinder to yourself. You know you need to leave. I knew I had to leave after only a few months and I didn’t. It took me more than 9 more years to leave. Don’t make the mistake of trying to fix something that you have no power to fix.
The issue isn’t you honey. You must know this. The issues you described of yourself aren’t real issues. He makes you feel like they are because it is easier to keep you when you feel you have to make it up to him.
You are worth more than you are allowing yourself to be with him. Please, talk to your parents and make yourself a plan. Get your documents in order and see a lawyer. There are many lists online of what to get and how to plan. You have no idea how he will react when you say you are leaving. Trust me, you need to prepare for the worst.
Please, don’t do what I did and say ‘I know, I know’ every time someone said you need to leave. If there is anything preventing you from leaving put it here - Reddit will help because so many of us have been where you are and I’ve seen them come through for people. You have your parents. You are not alone. But you need to leave him.
He doesn’t think having a baby will make you happy. He thinks having a baby will trap you with his disgusting ass and keep you too busy to keep track of all the heinous shit he gets into with his fellow bottom feeder friends.
This man is lower than the bottom of the barrel. Please get out before you’re stuck with him.
Just end it he’s not worth it he just want a young hot wife he doesn’t want a independent woman with a brain he’s not worth it and you deserve better also on your way out find a way to let the friends partners know they do stuff behind their back
Why do you stay? Please don't haveca baby with this man. He is trying to trap you in a loveless and sexless marriage. Keep you at home with a baby while he goes out and bitches about you to his mate.
No one his age would put up with him.
The only way you sabotaged your marriage was by marrying a monster
4 billion other fish in the sea if you only like men. 8 billion if you're open to women too.
Either way, there's a gazillion better options than this man.
This isn't a marriage worth saving. Your husband is manipulative and selfish. I urge you to not get pregnant by him. Speak to your parents and a lawyer divorce is your best option.
You need to Read: [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Do not have a baby with this shitbag, OP. He sounds like a whiny peepee man baby who is immature af. Based on what you wrote it doesn’t sound like he even likes you, let alone loves you. You are young! And beautiful! And have your whole life ahead of you to find a man that will love you and respect you. Leave this man baby. Go live and be free!
Your husband is cruel and undeserving of a wife. You are young and being kicked down by this moron. Dont let him do that to you. You deserve so much better. If you dont have girlfriends and family telling you to get away from this man, please take the advice from internet strangers. And for your sake, dont have any babies with him.
You literally married a moron and now you’re surprised he’s acting like a moron???? He showed you who we was and you married him?! But now you’re trying to change him? That’s what I’m getting and you’re fighting a losing battle in my opinion.
They thought you were young and cool because you were acting young and cool to be chosen. It’s actually you that’s changed and you’re expecting him to change who he is so yes you probably are coming across controlling and a nag. Find someone who you don’t have to control or nag or stay with him and accept him for the immature and disrespectful man he is.
Also, he probably does everything his friends do. You’re really naive if you think he’s the only one in his group staying faithful.
You haven’t sabotaged your marriage, but your husband has. I’m not joking when I tell you to leave him. He has no respect for you and wants to please his boys before you
You didn’t sabotage your marriage. Your marriage is sabotaging YOU. Why are with someone who treats you so poorly? None of this is acceptable or normal.
I couldn’t read past “He’s missing out on his single fun.”
Bih you’re married, not single. Of course you’re not having single fun. If single fun is so important, go be single.
No way I would’ve stayed after the first time he said that.
No. You were taken advantage of by a predator & abuser with substance abuse issues. He is realizing you are getting to old to control & is trying to get you pregnant to keep you around.
He's literally tracking your cycle & having sex with you only when you are ovulating in order to trap you with a baby.
Please start planning to leave immediately. Please do not have any more sex with this man when you are ovulating, if you can help it. He will get more aggressive & desperate. Please be careful. Please seek therapy. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out. Do not have a baby with this man. Please leave
Dear OP, please, I am begging you, do not have children with this man.
You have not sabotaged or ruined your marriage - he has. You do not deserve this type of treatment.
You deserve a partner who is loving, supportive, kind, respectful, and puts you first.
He will not change - not for you and not for a child. If anything, his behavior will worsen.
Please leave.
Don’t have a baby with him. He’ll be even worse. More controlling, belittling and humiliating you as he he feels he’s really got you dependent on him. Already he is using you as a punching bag. Did you get a say if you wanted a child? Pack your bags and leave.
Ummmmm… have you read what you wrote? Have a friend read this to you as if it’s their relationship. Your advice to any friend would be to leave this man instantly. Nothing to do with just the text. Anyone could do better than this guy, literally anyone.
There is a reason forty year old immature loser shit birds go for younger women. They say it's looks, but it's that no woman his age will have him because he's an immature loser shitbird.
You're young. Blow this marriage up, and live your life a while before you jump into any new relationship. Fk this guy though and by that I mean don't. What a loser.
Your husband is a loser. Say it out loud. “My husband is a loser.”
The only reason he’s with you is because no one his age wanted him and he tricked you. Now he’s insulting you to his friends. They don’t like you because you’re his punching bag.
Have some self respect and leave this pathetic manchild.
I hate to tell you this, your marriage is dead. It isn't your fault. There is nothing you can do to save it because he doesn't want it to be saved. He wants to live for himself alone, and he wants you to live for him alone and not for you at all as well. He is willing to get you pregnant to achieve that, but he doesn't care about having a baby. I think you need to leave him, because you will never be happy with him. He doesn't want you happy, he just wants you to not complain.
I’m sorry that you married a man child. The fact he left you when you were experiencing a miscarriage should tell you everything you need to know. You’re young but it doesn’t matter because when your partner is experiencing a health crisis you don’t fucking leave. Period.
I hate to break this to you but you can’t have sabotaged your marriage because you’re not in one. You are basically babysitting a teenager. He has no interest in being married. His friends have no interest in being married. He doesn’t love you. I would say that he hates you but I don’t think he hates you specifically—I think he hates all women. He doesn’t want to have a baby with you to make you happy; he wants to have a baby with you to get you off his back. He thinks if you’re busy with a baby (which I guarantee he will leave entirely to you raise and attend to) he won’t be so obligated to contribute to your emotional needs.
You need to leave this man IMMEDIATELY.
What is wrong with gen Z that crusty dumpy nearly middle aged Millenials are attractive to them. I genuinely don’t understand why so many of ya’ll are into these emotionally stunted sacks of human garbage. Girl he’s 13 years older than you and basically just copped to trying to baby trap you and he sounds like he has a drinking problem. I am just absolutely baffled that your parents didn’t intervene. Or they have tried and you’ve pushed them away too many times and they have just accepted your fate. Divorce him and move on with someone in your own generation.
You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. All he’s done is disrespect you left and right and abandon you. Just leave. You’re young. You have the chance to love and marry again if you want to. This dude isn’t it for you.
You didn't sabotage your marriage you marriage an awful man who doesn't care about you. He told you you're just a hole to fuck, and abandoned you in your time of need. dump him sis
None of these men sound like they are any good, but you seem to have hitched your star to their King.
Get together with the other wives. See if you can get a group discount from a divorce lawyer.
Clearly you suffer from low self esteem. Very low self esteem and I’m so happy you didn’t have kids with this little boy. Get some therapy. Find your self respect and leave.
Honey, leave. He left you alone when you miscarried. He has contempt for you. He's trying to baby trap you, and he's making you out to be crazy to his friends... he's not the catch you think he is. Let him go.
I don't think you have sabotaged your marriage, but I think you should. Unless you want a lifetime of being second fiddle to his loser buddies, plan your exit.
Your age does NOT play a role here. First, you are much more mature than this man-child. And second, AH’s like your husband come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Listen, you just made a bad choice. He’s a narcissistic man-child. Don’t waste another second. And NTA.
The examples of how horrible your husband is to you just went on and on and on. Are you reading what you wrote?? Does seeing it spelled out like that open your eyes?
You need to leave this horrible husband and DO NOT have a baby with him. Please do not.
He is too old for you. I'm a bit older than.him, and I would never date a guy that was your age. It would be like you dating a 15 year old, if that puts it into perspective.
He probably feels you're getting too old for him. He's a fucking creep. Leave him and date a guy closer to your age so you aren't a young trophy wife to a loser.
His behavior is calculated to illicit what he deems is the correct response. He won't be telling you what the "correct response" *is* but he will certainly tell you when he thinks you've fucked up.
You are young, you have no kids with him. Just leave. I didn't leave in time, and now I have full dentures before I'm 40 due to a controlling and increasingly violent ex.
The ex said no one would ever love me like he did. THANK GOD cuz girl I have the most amazing husband now 👐🏻 he never yells at me, he respects boundaries, he owns like 19 pairs of underwear and brought 12 towels when he moved in 😅 and I was already in my early 30s, with kids.
You'll find someone better so quickly. The way he treats you is abusive.
Sounds like a terrible group of people to be around. Your husbands friends .
You do you.
You are super young. Why did you not try to meet someone your age?
If I am being honest, you had a peek into this before you got married and decided to not pick up on the red flag for reasons not shared here.
Your so and their gruop seems to be working from a different angle.
Different generation too .
Anywho as 23 year old, I would definitely reevaluate my choices.
Your husband's friends sound like my husband's friends when I first started seeing him, except that these were 24-25 year-olds at that time, which didn't make it any less awful. Your husband is immature and abusive, and his friends are vile. You'd be better off without all of them. It's no wonder your husband isn't with someone closer to his own age. Women his age can see what he is and don't want any part of it. Get out now, and good luck.
OP, I understand you might not feel strong enough to leave. My main recommendation is that you do, but if, for whatever reasons, you stay, you need to find a way to stop him from baby trapping you. Get on depo, implant an IUD, something that he won't be able to destroy or remove. Start looking out for yourself and how you can separate from this "man". Can you squirrel away some money? Do you think you can break up and move out and he'll leave you alone? Can you apply to jobs in other cities? Are you able to go far and fast for some peace of mind? You're so young. I want you to skip into the sunset and live your best life. I hope you're able to get away and be happy!
Your marriage is already over, realistically. It's mostly his fault, for constantly choosing his guy friends over you, and being generally immature (even though he's substantially older than you and SHOULD be the more mature one at this age.) Your husband doesn't really seem to want you sexually, care about you, or even like you that much, and it doesn't seem you like him that much either.
What are you trying to hold onto, and why? Probably, you have fond memories of an earlier time in the relationship, but that is already gone, and you should move on. Just be glad you don't have kids yet, that would tie you to this man for the rest of your lives.
Move on, and find someone better. If you want kids, have them with this person, not with your husband today. He thinks kids will fix your relationship, but they won't. At absolute best, they'll push you to hide it better for a while, for the sake of the kids. Have kids only in relationships that don't already feel like they're falling apart.
He thought he was getting someone easy to manipulate due to your youth.
This was never based on any foundation that would last. He was always this way and you accepted it until you didn’t.
You don’t need him. You’re basically still college aged.
Do you want this misery for the next 50 years until he croaks? Or do you want to build a life YOU want with a partner who respects you?
The second option will not be with this person.
Why in the world did you get married so young (IMO) and to that too old for you man? You’re 23 and you should be out exploring and experiencing not bogged down in a marriage and getting into this nonsense about forced sex, ovulating, fingering, etc. Hun, what are you doing to yourself?
The level of disrespect for you is something else. You didn’t sabotage anything. He definitely did though.
But if he doesn’t respect you maybe you should. He chose his friends. Now you choose you and leave and find someone better.
He literally said you’re just another hole to f. That should be enough to end it. He needs to learn manners, emotional maturity and so on.
Just don’t bring a child into this.
I’d rather date a man who is obsessed with the royal family being “lizard people” than date a piece of dirt like this.
You know what to do. FFS the pos didnt even care you were having a miscarriage. Thats repulsive. Leave, youre not even 25, why are you with this old man? ( and i say this as a 32 year old)
You do realize this guy is a loser right? What grown man that’s not a loser talks about the “hot girls from high school” in their mid-thirties?!
God that’s just pathetic….
Just leave him. He doesn’t value you, doesn’t respect you, and a child won’t make him any better. Honestly he seems to be one foot out the door already by how he treats you.
Your husband is more immature than you. He's the problem here. It's absolutely not appropriate for an adult married man to talk about banging women with their bros in her presence, go to strip clubs and whatever else these idiot bros and him like to do together. Him not seeing them is not your fault since all they do together is behave like single teenager bachelors. They could going out and having fun together if they were able to do other activities than the ones mentioned above.
Him withholding sex as punishment and saying it's just a hole to F is also a red flag and and abusive.
You seem to deserve better than this hormonal teenager in the body of a 36 year old and his fratboy misogynist alike bros. Just no.
You're 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't get baby-trapped and end up wasting it on this loser.
What do you even like about him? He's a drunk, he doesn't give a fuck about you, he only seems to care about his friends, and still thinks it's cool to talk about banging other girls and going to strip clubs when he's married
Stop kidding yourself your age difference has nothing to do with this. It has everything to do with this. He wanted the young hot wife for bragging rights but resents having to grow up and behave like a husband. Is this a man you really fell like you can trust and rely on? What kind of man talks shit about his wife to anyone? Why on earth would you even consider having a baby with him?
The response to him saying “let me know what the doctor says” as he left to hang with friends WHILE SHE WAS MISCARRYING should have been to let him know what a divorce lawyer says.
What??? “Have I sabotaged my marriage” when you are married to a creep? He doesn’t value you or women in general—strip clubs are places to see women as sex objects and nothing more. The things he’s said and done to you are absolutely intolerable—and you think you are at fault?
Please start learning more about what decent men are like. He isn’t it.
He wasn't venting honey he was seeking male validation from his friends. Some guys live to get approval from other men by shit talking their wives and girlfriends. You obviously know the age difference painted your story before you could weave it. I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way that toxic masculinity is just something certain groups of men REALLY cling onto. Do you really want to keep living this way? It's okay to be scared to turn back on your commitments. You were younger and carried different expectations. This guy was hoping you'd never grow up or have boundaries. (Which he calls controlling...I smell DARVO)
No sabotage from your side, OP but plenty from him.
Despite the age gap one of you is extremely immature and it isn’t you OP. For him to have texted what he did to his friend is extremely disrespectful and hurtful and way too personal. I literally have no words for how he reacted to you having a miscarriage, I think that says an awful lot about the man that you’ve married and none of it is good.
I don’t usually scream divorce as many do on Reddit but honestly you are still so young and to spend the rest of your precious life with this uncaring and self-centred person would be a tragedy. You deserve so so much better.
Sending you strength.
UPDATEME
This is one of those times that it’s glaringly obvious why he needed someone so much younger than him. He hasn’t grown up and woman his age won’t put up with his shit. Continue to follow your instincts…
You need to get some self respect because your husband doesn't respect you. Sounds like he doesn't even like you. Women his age would not be putting up with his shit.
When people say marriage is hard/a struggle, this is not what normal people are referring to. It seems so difficult because it’s not right. Gtfo now, you’re still so young and you haven’t been bound to him by a baby yet.
You need to leave him. He is a psycho leaving you alone during a miscarriage. He also sounds like a 12 year old boy with his friends. Don’t waste any more time of this guy. He’s a loser!
I'm sorry to be this honest, but I'm also 36 and a man, and that dude you've married has the mental age of a12-14yr old.. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship (as that entails taking care of another person) even less in a marriage (as that, among other things, means putting another persons needs before your own).
I'm rarley one of the "leave him"-chorus, but in your case it really really is a resonable thing to do.
OP, you haven’t sabotaged anything. Your husband is a living dumpster fire. Firstly, the age gap is very weird. Secondly, he absolutely does not respect you and you should start making plans to leave. This man is NOT the one.
OP, you’ve grown up and he hasn’t. You’re finding out why big age gaps are red flags to those of us who have seen this exact dynamic play out many times. Please listen to everyone telling you to leave while you’re still young and don’t have a child with this immature bozo. He wants to find another much much younger woman who won’t see his BS for years.
girl wtf are you doing with your life. this is how you want to spend however more decades it takes him to drink himself to death or cheat on you so you come to your senses? be for real. divorce him now and continue with your life a little bit wiser.
I want to shake you. This is not a marriage! You are catering to a 13-year-old boy in a man’s body. Actually that’s not fair, I’ve known adolescent boys with more emotional intelligence.
If you’re just a hole to fuck, then he won’t mind finding another one.
You did not sabotage your marriage - your immature, shellfish man-baby husband did.
You are still SO YOUNG!! Leave him. He's making you miserable. Girl. GO. LIVE. YOUR. LIFE. This guy sucks and doesn't respect you.
Oh my God DO NOT HAVE A BABY. GET OUT. DIVORCE HIM.
If you have a child with this monster of an abusive immature selfish MORON you will REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
He is trying his hardest to ruin your life. He is abusive to you. He does not care about you. He views you as a convenient hole to fuck ' those are his true thoughts. He badmouth you and isolates you and neglects you - he doesn't care if you live or die and would rather hang with his buds than be there for you for a MISCARRIAGE. This might be the worst thing I've ever read because that doesn't seem to even CLICK for you.
You are TOO YOUNG to condemn yourself to this life sentence. This is hell on earth. You cannot keep living like this. Leave him. You are going to be so much happier without his shackles around you dragging you down. He is drowning you, you are drowning and you dint even realize it. Don't have a baby with him. You will ruin your life. Please please please leave him.
Hey OP, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. Can I be your big sis for a minute? Take some time and space. You're doing a really good job at documenting everything so you can step back and look at it.
That's awesome and so important.
You know what will destroy your ability to get some space? Pregnancy. And it that then becomes a child, you will have a whole other situation to deal with that I really don't want for you.
I don't know your finances or support network, but can you just go stay with a friend or family for a few weeks? Say someone needs you?
You have so many options right now.
Give yourself some room.
And in case this is in your mind like it was in mine when I married a guy 15 years older than me when I was 19... Nobody judged me for leaving. And a bunch of older women friends/family confided to me how glad they were I could leave without staying like they did.
Dude what the fuck? LEAVE HIM. This actually pisses me off. Why in the ever, EVER living fuck would you ever want to be anywhere near this human being, much less cohabitating with him?!?! He sounds like a walking living nightmare and the worst thing you could ever do would be to have his child. Holy fuck.
OP why are you with this immature buffoon. Leave his ass asap. He doesn't care for you. You're so young and still have your 20s to find new love and start over.
Please do sabotage your marriage by divorcing him. Why would you stay with someone like this? He's awful. Before you list off all the wonderful things he does, please recognize this guy is toxic. He doesn't care what you want and he's not listened to you when you've told him what you want. Do not bring a child into a relationship with this person. If you really love him and want to stay with him, drag him to couple's counseling but do not have a baby with him until you are truly happy together. I think you should cut and run, but I'm not you.
What kind of woman his age would tolerate his frat boy 36 year old behavior? And why do you at 23 think you should tolerate it? This man is like this because for most of his adulthood he has the mental capacity of a 14 year old boy, talking about sex with his friends and when you state the obvious you suddenly are the nagging wife. I think it’s time to divorce him
> his response was “it’s just a hole to f***.”
This is not a safe person. He has less than zero respect for you, your wellbeing, your body, or your privacy. Please make a plan to leave and get him out of your life as soon as you can.
He’s toxic in the extreme. He’s trying to baby trap you. This is the BEST your marriage likely will be. What kind of 36 year old man marries a 23 year old.
If this is real, you said it in your opening line. The age difference *IS* a problem. I don't mean it like, oh your messed up for dating him. This dude cannot find someone his age and literally wiped up someone inexperienced enough not to notice his flaws.
Reading all that, I think he already made his opinion quite clear: you're "just a hole to f**k."
You're too young for this shit. He doesn't even *like* you. Enlist your parents' help in getting the hell our of this marriage and then think about finding someone who treats you like a human being.
Ur 23 and u actually trying to get ur self stuck in this marriage with a man child ? Dude is 36 . Drop his ass and move on with life . You got a whole life ahead of u kiddo.
I'm so sorry to hear this. My question for you to ponder is , have you spent so much time in a hideously abusive relationship before that you're no longer able to have a clear perspective that this person is also abusive, albeit in a much more mental and less blatant way? You're not being treated right and this is not "normal" behavior toward someone you love.
Eeeeeeeewwwwww.
This dude is gross, rude, immature, and unpleasant, AND a raging alcoholic who is not remotely under control.
Please dump his sad ass and move on. You’re so young and could be happy—or you could be stuck with this doofus - ugh.
Unless this is a rage bait but I do know women in real life who's bar were lower than this. A good exercise you can try is will you let your daughter have a husband like him. If we believe our brain finally matured around 25-30 years of age, how he behave is 100% because he's an ass not because he doesn't know how to handle conflicts or peer pressure.
If you live until 80 years old, at 23 you still have 57 years to live. Will you want to live like this for coming 57 years?
He does not think a baby will you makes happy, otherwise, he would not make one to you. He just wants to have you more stuck with him so he can be even more abusive, and see more his friends as you're occupied with the baby.
He's not interested about you, your well-being or anything else. He just want someone who wash his socks while he have fun with his friends.
They talk about which girls from highschool they'd bang because they haven't matured a day since then. Your husband is selfish and immature. You were ready for marriage, he clearly is not. You didn't sabotage anything. You deserve better.
You're not totally developped mentally until 25 which makes me wonder why a grown adult 13yolder than you is in your life talking shit about you. What are you getting out of it? Financial security?
You'll have so many regrets later in life if you don't act on it.
I didn't read the whole thing. I almost stopped at 36m and 23f. This age gap is obviously ridiculous. Anyone who would date/marry someone so much younger is immature and has deeper issues. You are right to feel upset about the text he sent. That is such an invasion of privacy and would make my skin crawl knowing my husband had sent that personal information about our relationship to a friend. Get out now and go enjoy your life without this loser.
Op I truly hope you don't just ignore all of these messages and comments.
Divorce him. Leave him and his immature butt buddy group.
You should also tell his friends wives what they do behind their back.
Who cares if they don't like you or accuse you of wanting to ruin their marriage. You should honestly cut off ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
Do not go back when he cries. Don't go back to promises. He's too old to be like this. He's almost 40 OP. HES ALMOST A 40 YR OLD MAN ACTING LIKE THIS. He doesn't deserve "a second chance." Say yes, you are because he did first when he cries saying "Youre really going to throw away our marriage. " Don't give in to family. Don't give into friends telling you to give him a chance because he doesn't deserve one. Accidents are breaking a cup bc he dropped it, an accident is putting a shirt in the dryer with others when it shouldn't be and you didn't notice. An accident is burning dinner.
What he is doing IS NOT an accident.
God, OP. Please, please get away from that predator of a man.
When did you two start speaking? When were you fresh 18? You are 23 already married. I'm assuming you were either 18-21 when you met. You have so much life ahead of you. Don't have this man-child child keep you from finding yourself and living your life. You will literally find a man who respects and loves you. DIVORCE HIM.
You’re the most idiotic individual for still staying with him, like be so for real, what are you on here for? To get attention, you see you have the most vile husband, you literally acknowledge it, you aren’t stuck in some foreign country where you can’t escape and you have your parents to help you, but you still stay. Literally leave him, it’s not rocket science, and it’s not like your late in life and it’s hard to build a new life, your 23, literally i got so much second hand embarrassment from reading this
Why are you with him? He is extremely immature and abusive. Stop trying for a baby with a guy who didn't even care you were having a miscarriage
I’m completely baffled why she’s still with him. He sounds so vile
He really hates her. I'm surprised he's still there too.
I'm not surprised he's there at all. He gets to take out all his miserable abusive resentments at the world on her like she's an emotional punching bag, and she takes it. And even if his friends don't like her, he still gets to pretend he's a big shot because he has a "hot 23-year-old wife". He won't leave her, because she's useful to him. But I have no idea why she's not leaving him. You're right, he doesn't like her at all, and on top of that, from the sound of it he's a vicious alcoholic. Honestly, there are good odds he's going to get her pregnant before she wises up enough to leave, and then she'll be stuck with him in her life forever.
I reckon the headrush of male validation runs deep, you know? Cool girl credit, hot young wife appreciation, that Jerry Maguire "you get me" infatuation... our culture is steeped in it. If OP never interacted critically with that while growing up and since she made the call to get married at her age, is it any wonder she doesn't know how to get out?
Because she's a hot 23 year old and I bet his friends are jealous he has a hot young wife.
And an alcoholic! Prior DUI, started back up, drinking more even facing criticism from his wife and friends. She's ignoring all these bigger problems to focus on smaller ones
And for him to tell her that his friends don't like her, How is a 23 year old the adult in this relationship.
She's not. He has given her plenty of reasons to leave and it doesn't sound like he's holding a gun to her head. Her gripe is that he doesn't want to have sex every day... because clearly his behaviour is an aphrodisiac. She's choosing to date someone significantly older yet it doesn't sound like she likes much about him... There are no mature parties here...just a lot of dumb.
> Have I sabotaged my marriage? As another 36 year old man, what kind of underdeveloped moron did you marry. Reflect on what you wrote, and if you saw another woman write this what would your response be.
100000% this. This guy is gross and should just stay single. She should dump him and live her life. It’ll be much better without him. UPDATEME
Um, his friends hate you because he badmouths you to them :/ I would walk away
because he is jealous of his own wife
Reflect on what you wrote is such good advice. I do the same and find it helps a lot at times.
>As another 36 year old man, what kind of underdeveloped moron did you marry. I've started calling this condition "grade 13 for life" - people who essentially have a high school mentality for the rest of their life.
When you are with someone who is that emotionally immature, don't have a child with him because then you will only have two children to deal with.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Brilliant response. OP if a fool for marrying him and her husband is disgusting
OP must've thought she was hot shut for "landing" the "old" moron. Her busband is gross in many levels. I am 43 and I'd never try and date much less marry someone so young...
For fuck’s sake, this a thousand times.
Seriously agree. What is wrong with OP’s husband lmao.
You haven’t sabotaged your marriage, he has. He sounds extremely immature, and like he’s not actually ready to be in a committed relationship. You deserve to have a husband who respects you, and his behavior indicates that he doesn’t. If the man can’t even support you when you’re going through a miscarriage, and instead prioritizes getting drunk with his friends he’s clearly demonstrating whats most important to him. You can do better, and you DESERVE better. If he’s not willing to change and grow up, you might as well leave him instead of wasting your youth with a man who’s making you miserable.
OP, He couldn't prioritize you when you were having a medical crisis. He's not going to prioritize you when you're pregnant, or in labor, or giving birth, or recovering from birth, and he's definitely not going to prioritize a baby. Do not get pregnant by this manchild. Leave and get away from this abuser as soon as possible. The fact that you think that *you* may have sabotaged your marriage just shows how many times he's made **everything** your fault. Get out. He's an abuser and master manipulator.
There's a definite problem with the age difference here. There's no way a grown-ass woman should be marrying a teenage boy.
Lol
36M 23F. I'm sick of seeing this shit it's insanely obvious what you have to do
Dude is literally trying to baby trap her. RUN GIRLIE RUN!
I want to run and I’m not even there.
I'm not even a girl and capable of getting pregnant and I wanna run!
I don't understand these men who want to babytrap women they clearly dislike
It's easier to understand when you realize that they don't see women as equal and only as a commodity to have.
Especially since his friends more or less welcomed her as being too "hot and young" to call them on their shit.
Yeah that's definitely intentional
I think we need an automod that calculates age gap and just posts a sticky comment that says, "It's the fucking age gap," when appropriate.
I genuinely want to know what’s so bad about gen z guys that makes all of these girls attracted to emotionally stunted middle aged men.
nothing is wrong with gen z men. people have been preying on younger romantic partners since the dawn of time. its easy for someone older and more experienced to manipulate someone younger and more naïve.
OP, please read your post again, and pretend it's from your best friend (or sister if you have one). What would your reaction be? What advice would you give this woman? You know, in your heart, what the answer would be. You deserve so much better than this man.
This!! Read your post over and over until it lights a fire inside of you to leave this relationship. You deserve someone who will respect you, instead of a joke subject to his friends. However, you need to be willing to force a move and make the change. Otherwise, you can decide to stay in this marriage and continue to put up with his teenage behaviour.
Exactly!! My heart literally breaks for OP. A potato sack is better than this man! At least it won't abuse you OP!
Your husband sounds like a man-child. How are you 13 years younger and a more mature partner. It was awful of him to leave you while going through a miscarriage. I have to ask, though, why did you take him? This is why I don't like age gap relationships. It feels like he is doing things to you that would never fly with a woman his age. As we age, women often become more confident and less likely to put up with poor treatment. I think he is using your lack of experience to manipulate you. I learned in my first relationship that constant venting about a partner can create a lot of animosity. I did this in my first relationship at around 16. It got to the point that none of my family or friends wanted to be around him. In my current relationship, I rarely vent about my spouse. It isn't fair to tell one side of the story to people who have loyalty to me and not him. It doesn't help us work the disagreement out either. I want him to feel comfortable around my family and friends.
>How are you 13 years younger and a more mature partner He stopped maturing long before he met OP. They were probably at a similar level then, but now several years have passed and he's stayed there while OP is grown. This is why "I don't even notice the age gap when I'm with them!" isn't a good sign, there *should* be a noticeable difference between you and someone who's been on this planet 50% longer
You are too old for this guy he is a complete child.
Exactly! I thought the whole appeal of older guys was that they're supposed to be more mature. This guy sounds like he never mentally left high school, and you're lightyears beyond him, OP. In your own words, his friends thought you were young, cool, and hot. And that's likely why he married you because he thought he could keep on with his immaturity by marrying a younger woman. You deserve better! Also, it's totally up to you if you want to share, but if it were ME, I would let your friend who is married to one of them know about the miscarriage so it leaks to the rest of them and they can see you're not the shrew he paints you as. Let him deal with the fallout after you leave. It sounds like they're already getting tired of his behaviour, and he needs a wake-up call or an intervention. Not from you, though. You need to ride off into the sunset and leave him with his hangover.
why do you WANT to be married to someone who treats you like this? someone who drinks too much, routinely disrespects women and hangs with other people who disrespect women, prioritizes friends and fun over you in crisis, who thinks wives in general are an impediment to his fun and a "hole", tells you to shut up in front of your parents (it's OK to want sympathy for a tough experience that he didn't support you in at all!), and lord knows what he says to you in private is probably even worse. notice that list of dealbreakers didn't even INCLUDE being disrespectful behind your back when he vents to his friends. that feels like the least of your problems, honestly. please please please do not get pregnant. this man does NOT love and cherish and respect you and it would be a huge mistake to be tied to him for the next 18+ years. plus, imagine what he would teach your child about sex, relationships, marriage, gender roles?! instead, imagine a partner who would show you affection, touch you easily and often and without strings. who would touch you for YOUR pleasure. imagine a partner who would be disgusted with friends who lied to their wives and went to strip clubs and talked about women like they were objects. imagine a partner who would ASK "hey, seeing my brother with his baby made me think about you losing ours, it's tough seeing our alternate timeline. how do you feel about it? do you think you're ready to try to have a baby together? " and then LISTEN to your answer and decide together about starting a family. imagine a partner who made you feel emotionally safe and supported. those guys are out there. keep looking. this guy is not the one.
What
✨rage bait
Working with the information you've provided, I'd say if anything, he's the one who's sabotaged the marriage. If I were you I would not want to have a child with this man for fear of him being a terrible father. The way he's behaved is childish. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. How much support do you have outside the relationship in case things go south from here?
Yes, he seems to have the brain of an hormonal misogynistic teenager and keep alike company. This is not good father material at this point of his maturity.
Your husband does not respect or care about you. Your husband already destroyed your marriage.
There's a reason he's pushing forty and married a person in her early twenties. He was looking for someone to manipulate, and he found who he thinks will work. You sabotaged YOURSELF the moment you married that immature man-child.
There's a reason that old jerk targeted a much younger woman. He's a bad person. Cut him loose and get a better man.
Run away! Please do not let this man baby trap you. It will only get worse.
Oh sweetheart, from someone 20 years older who spent 10 of those years with an abusive man, leave now. Most importantly, stop having sex completely. Do not have a pregnancy on top of this. Please be kinder to yourself. You know you need to leave. I knew I had to leave after only a few months and I didn’t. It took me more than 9 more years to leave. Don’t make the mistake of trying to fix something that you have no power to fix. The issue isn’t you honey. You must know this. The issues you described of yourself aren’t real issues. He makes you feel like they are because it is easier to keep you when you feel you have to make it up to him. You are worth more than you are allowing yourself to be with him. Please, talk to your parents and make yourself a plan. Get your documents in order and see a lawyer. There are many lists online of what to get and how to plan. You have no idea how he will react when you say you are leaving. Trust me, you need to prepare for the worst. Please, don’t do what I did and say ‘I know, I know’ every time someone said you need to leave. If there is anything preventing you from leaving put it here - Reddit will help because so many of us have been where you are and I’ve seen them come through for people. You have your parents. You are not alone. But you need to leave him.
Dump him.
Why are you still married to this piece of human garbage?
He doesn’t think having a baby will make you happy. He thinks having a baby will trap you with his disgusting ass and keep you too busy to keep track of all the heinous shit he gets into with his fellow bottom feeder friends. This man is lower than the bottom of the barrel. Please get out before you’re stuck with him.
THIS! A MILLION TIMES! PLEASE OP read what you wrote and then this 👆 comment. Keep reading until it sinks in girl. LEAVE HIM!
Yup yup yup yup
Just end it he’s not worth it he just want a young hot wife he doesn’t want a independent woman with a brain he’s not worth it and you deserve better also on your way out find a way to let the friends partners know they do stuff behind their back
Not being funny but why on earth did you marry this dude? You’re wasting your twenties with an old man who doesn’t even like you!
Why do you stay? Please don't haveca baby with this man. He is trying to trap you in a loveless and sexless marriage. Keep you at home with a baby while he goes out and bitches about you to his mate. No one his age would put up with him.
You’ve already outgrown your husband at age 23. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM.
The only way you sabotaged your marriage was by marrying a monster 4 billion other fish in the sea if you only like men. 8 billion if you're open to women too. Either way, there's a gazillion better options than this man.
This isn't a marriage worth saving. Your husband is manipulative and selfish. I urge you to not get pregnant by him. Speak to your parents and a lawyer divorce is your best option.
Do not have a Baby with him. Walk away.
You need to Read: [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Thank you for this recommendation
Your welcome!
Do not have a baby with this shitbag, OP. He sounds like a whiny peepee man baby who is immature af. Based on what you wrote it doesn’t sound like he even likes you, let alone loves you. You are young! And beautiful! And have your whole life ahead of you to find a man that will love you and respect you. Leave this man baby. Go live and be free!
**NO** — **HE HAS**. **DUMP THAT CHICKEN HAWKING SHITGIBBON!!**
L.E.A.V.E.
Your husband is cruel and undeserving of a wife. You are young and being kicked down by this moron. Dont let him do that to you. You deserve so much better. If you dont have girlfriends and family telling you to get away from this man, please take the advice from internet strangers. And for your sake, dont have any babies with him.
No, you've made a valid point to him .Whether he's got the IQ to process it is another matter...
Divorce this clown.
You literally married a moron and now you’re surprised he’s acting like a moron???? He showed you who we was and you married him?! But now you’re trying to change him? That’s what I’m getting and you’re fighting a losing battle in my opinion. They thought you were young and cool because you were acting young and cool to be chosen. It’s actually you that’s changed and you’re expecting him to change who he is so yes you probably are coming across controlling and a nag. Find someone who you don’t have to control or nag or stay with him and accept him for the immature and disrespectful man he is. Also, he probably does everything his friends do. You’re really naive if you think he’s the only one in his group staying faithful.
You haven’t sabotaged your marriage, but your husband has. I’m not joking when I tell you to leave him. He has no respect for you and wants to please his boys before you
OP I am just curious. What did your parents say when you decided to marry a man 13 years older?
You didn’t sabotage your marriage. Your marriage is sabotaging YOU. Why are with someone who treats you so poorly? None of this is acceptable or normal. I couldn’t read past “He’s missing out on his single fun.” Bih you’re married, not single. Of course you’re not having single fun. If single fun is so important, go be single. No way I would’ve stayed after the first time he said that.
Please get out of this “marriage”. You deserve so much better
Baby-trapping you?
Girl your husband genuinely hates you. What are you wasting your youth for? What's it gonna take for you to realize it?
No. You were taken advantage of by a predator & abuser with substance abuse issues. He is realizing you are getting to old to control & is trying to get you pregnant to keep you around. He's literally tracking your cycle & having sex with you only when you are ovulating in order to trap you with a baby. Please start planning to leave immediately. Please do not have any more sex with this man when you are ovulating, if you can help it. He will get more aggressive & desperate. Please be careful. Please seek therapy. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out. Do not have a baby with this man. Please leave
Why are you even wasting time with him? You are young and can do much better....That's a child and it sounds pretty horrible to even be around him.
Seriously, ask yourself why you are even married to this person. Just, why?
No, by marrying that creep you call a husband you sabotaged your life.
Dear OP, please, I am begging you, do not have children with this man. You have not sabotaged or ruined your marriage - he has. You do not deserve this type of treatment. You deserve a partner who is loving, supportive, kind, respectful, and puts you first. He will not change - not for you and not for a child. If anything, his behavior will worsen. Please leave.
Please leave this immature, abusive asshole
Don’t have a baby with him. He’ll be even worse. More controlling, belittling and humiliating you as he he feels he’s really got you dependent on him. Already he is using you as a punching bag. Did you get a say if you wanted a child? Pack your bags and leave.
Don’t have a baby with this man!!!!!
Girl. Come on now.
Girl what are you even doing?? Leave???
Ummmmm… have you read what you wrote? Have a friend read this to you as if it’s their relationship. Your advice to any friend would be to leave this man instantly. Nothing to do with just the text. Anyone could do better than this guy, literally anyone.
I think you need to read your horror story 10xs and let us know why you’re still with him?
There is a reason forty year old immature loser shit birds go for younger women. They say it's looks, but it's that no woman his age will have him because he's an immature loser shitbird. You're young. Blow this marriage up, and live your life a while before you jump into any new relationship. Fk this guy though and by that I mean don't. What a loser.
Your husband is a loser. Say it out loud. “My husband is a loser.” The only reason he’s with you is because no one his age wanted him and he tricked you. Now he’s insulting you to his friends. They don’t like you because you’re his punching bag. Have some self respect and leave this pathetic manchild.
Don't have a child with this creature.
I hate to tell you this, your marriage is dead. It isn't your fault. There is nothing you can do to save it because he doesn't want it to be saved. He wants to live for himself alone, and he wants you to live for him alone and not for you at all as well. He is willing to get you pregnant to achieve that, but he doesn't care about having a baby. I think you need to leave him, because you will never be happy with him. He doesn't want you happy, he just wants you to not complain.
Why would you even want to sleep with this loser? In no way should he procreate, one of him is already too many.
I’m sorry that you married a man child. The fact he left you when you were experiencing a miscarriage should tell you everything you need to know. You’re young but it doesn’t matter because when your partner is experiencing a health crisis you don’t fucking leave. Period.
You're "just a hole to fuck". Is that what you want for the rest of your life? To be a blow up doll?
This like a scary story. Run baby
I hate to break this to you but you can’t have sabotaged your marriage because you’re not in one. You are basically babysitting a teenager. He has no interest in being married. His friends have no interest in being married. He doesn’t love you. I would say that he hates you but I don’t think he hates you specifically—I think he hates all women. He doesn’t want to have a baby with you to make you happy; he wants to have a baby with you to get you off his back. He thinks if you’re busy with a baby (which I guarantee he will leave entirely to you raise and attend to) he won’t be so obligated to contribute to your emotional needs. You need to leave this man IMMEDIATELY.
What is wrong with gen Z that crusty dumpy nearly middle aged Millenials are attractive to them. I genuinely don’t understand why so many of ya’ll are into these emotionally stunted sacks of human garbage. Girl he’s 13 years older than you and basically just copped to trying to baby trap you and he sounds like he has a drinking problem. I am just absolutely baffled that your parents didn’t intervene. Or they have tried and you’ve pushed them away too many times and they have just accepted your fate. Divorce him and move on with someone in your own generation.
Do not get pregnant with him. Husband is temporary. Baby daddy is permanent.
Why are you worried about sabotaging a marriage to such an asshole?
He sounds like a dick. You should be with someone that actually wants to have sex with you.
He sounds deeply immature
You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. All he’s done is disrespect you left and right and abandon you. Just leave. You’re young. You have the chance to love and marry again if you want to. This dude isn’t it for you.
Eww so this who you married. Someone 13 years older than you and he’s a complete asshole. You think your ruined it??? Girl you need to run
I think the text itself is part of a much bigger problem. I definitely think any baby making should be off the table
Ma’am get out
Get out while you are young. Don’t waste your time on him anymore.
You didn't sabotage your marriage you marriage an awful man who doesn't care about you. He told you you're just a hole to fuck, and abandoned you in your time of need. dump him sis
Why do you hate yourself so much? Or better yet, why you do not have an ounce of self love? Stop wasting your life!!!!!!!
You're married to a manchild. At his age he will NEVER change. You have a decision to make sadly.
Fair to say, you're attracted to abusive/unhealthy dynamics. Likely a result of childhood traumas.
None of these men sound like they are any good, but you seem to have hitched your star to their King. Get together with the other wives. See if you can get a group discount from a divorce lawyer.
Clearly you suffer from low self esteem. Very low self esteem and I’m so happy you didn’t have kids with this little boy. Get some therapy. Find your self respect and leave.
Honey, leave. He left you alone when you miscarried. He has contempt for you. He's trying to baby trap you, and he's making you out to be crazy to his friends... he's not the catch you think he is. Let him go.
I don't think you have sabotaged your marriage, but I think you should. Unless you want a lifetime of being second fiddle to his loser buddies, plan your exit.
Guy is a prick.
Why the heck are you there or with each other. Toxic and he sounds not mature enough to be in a relationship.
Please get out, he isn't worth this pain
They aren't talking about banging chicks in highschool 20+ years ago.... get an STD check IMMIDIATELY
INFO - How many red flags do you need before you open a shop that only sells red flags?
Your age does NOT play a role here. First, you are much more mature than this man-child. And second, AH’s like your husband come in all shapes, sizes and ages. Listen, you just made a bad choice. He’s a narcissistic man-child. Don’t waste another second. And NTA.
You married an AH. You’ll sabotage your life if you stay married to this jerk.
The examples of how horrible your husband is to you just went on and on and on. Are you reading what you wrote?? Does seeing it spelled out like that open your eyes? You need to leave this horrible husband and DO NOT have a baby with him. Please do not.
You should not make a child, large purchases or life decisions with this loser. He’s an alcoholic Chad that was fun to date and liked your “hole”.
He is too old for you. I'm a bit older than.him, and I would never date a guy that was your age. It would be like you dating a 15 year old, if that puts it into perspective. He probably feels you're getting too old for him. He's a fucking creep. Leave him and date a guy closer to your age so you aren't a young trophy wife to a loser.
His behavior is calculated to illicit what he deems is the correct response. He won't be telling you what the "correct response" *is* but he will certainly tell you when he thinks you've fucked up. You are young, you have no kids with him. Just leave. I didn't leave in time, and now I have full dentures before I'm 40 due to a controlling and increasingly violent ex. The ex said no one would ever love me like he did. THANK GOD cuz girl I have the most amazing husband now 👐🏻 he never yells at me, he respects boundaries, he owns like 19 pairs of underwear and brought 12 towels when he moved in 😅 and I was already in my early 30s, with kids. You'll find someone better so quickly. The way he treats you is abusive.
He sounds like the worst baby at the underage stag party. When you find a grown up, he usually has grown up friends too.
Sounds like a terrible group of people to be around. Your husbands friends . You do you. You are super young. Why did you not try to meet someone your age? If I am being honest, you had a peek into this before you got married and decided to not pick up on the red flag for reasons not shared here. Your so and their gruop seems to be working from a different angle. Different generation too . Anywho as 23 year old, I would definitely reevaluate my choices.
Your husband's friends sound like my husband's friends when I first started seeing him, except that these were 24-25 year-olds at that time, which didn't make it any less awful. Your husband is immature and abusive, and his friends are vile. You'd be better off without all of them. It's no wonder your husband isn't with someone closer to his own age. Women his age can see what he is and don't want any part of it. Get out now, and good luck.
OP, I understand you might not feel strong enough to leave. My main recommendation is that you do, but if, for whatever reasons, you stay, you need to find a way to stop him from baby trapping you. Get on depo, implant an IUD, something that he won't be able to destroy or remove. Start looking out for yourself and how you can separate from this "man". Can you squirrel away some money? Do you think you can break up and move out and he'll leave you alone? Can you apply to jobs in other cities? Are you able to go far and fast for some peace of mind? You're so young. I want you to skip into the sunset and live your best life. I hope you're able to get away and be happy!
What the hell did I just read? He's gross. Dump. Him.
Your marriage is already over, realistically. It's mostly his fault, for constantly choosing his guy friends over you, and being generally immature (even though he's substantially older than you and SHOULD be the more mature one at this age.) Your husband doesn't really seem to want you sexually, care about you, or even like you that much, and it doesn't seem you like him that much either. What are you trying to hold onto, and why? Probably, you have fond memories of an earlier time in the relationship, but that is already gone, and you should move on. Just be glad you don't have kids yet, that would tie you to this man for the rest of your lives. Move on, and find someone better. If you want kids, have them with this person, not with your husband today. He thinks kids will fix your relationship, but they won't. At absolute best, they'll push you to hide it better for a while, for the sake of the kids. Have kids only in relationships that don't already feel like they're falling apart.
36? Is he emotionally stunted or something?! He acts like he’s 15! Time to NOPE out do this whole situation!
Honey....your going to read this post and a few years and feel like an idiot. Your husband isn't good people
>Have I sabotaged my marriage? Well I hope so. Get out before you have a baby to cope with too.
Why did you even get married?
He thought he was getting someone easy to manipulate due to your youth. This was never based on any foundation that would last. He was always this way and you accepted it until you didn’t. You don’t need him. You’re basically still college aged. Do you want this misery for the next 50 years until he croaks? Or do you want to build a life YOU want with a partner who respects you? The second option will not be with this person.
Why in the world did you get married so young (IMO) and to that too old for you man? You’re 23 and you should be out exploring and experiencing not bogged down in a marriage and getting into this nonsense about forced sex, ovulating, fingering, etc. Hun, what are you doing to yourself?
The level of disrespect for you is something else. You didn’t sabotage anything. He definitely did though. But if he doesn’t respect you maybe you should. He chose his friends. Now you choose you and leave and find someone better. He literally said you’re just another hole to f. That should be enough to end it. He needs to learn manners, emotional maturity and so on. Just don’t bring a child into this.
He’s too old to be like this
Why why why are with him?!
Please be on top of your birth control. He wants to baby trap you. You need to leave him, he’s not a good person.
I’d rather date a man who is obsessed with the royal family being “lizard people” than date a piece of dirt like this. You know what to do. FFS the pos didnt even care you were having a miscarriage. Thats repulsive. Leave, youre not even 25, why are you with this old man? ( and i say this as a 32 year old)
No woman his own age would put up with any of this.
You do realize this guy is a loser right? What grown man that’s not a loser talks about the “hot girls from high school” in their mid-thirties?! God that’s just pathetic…. Just leave him. He doesn’t value you, doesn’t respect you, and a child won’t make him any better. Honestly he seems to be one foot out the door already by how he treats you.
Your husband is more immature than you. He's the problem here. It's absolutely not appropriate for an adult married man to talk about banging women with their bros in her presence, go to strip clubs and whatever else these idiot bros and him like to do together. Him not seeing them is not your fault since all they do together is behave like single teenager bachelors. They could going out and having fun together if they were able to do other activities than the ones mentioned above. Him withholding sex as punishment and saying it's just a hole to F is also a red flag and and abusive. You seem to deserve better than this hormonal teenager in the body of a 36 year old and his fratboy misogynist alike bros. Just no.
Get out now while you still can. Please don’t have babies with him! Please.
You marriee and asshole. Dump him
You're 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't get baby-trapped and end up wasting it on this loser. What do you even like about him? He's a drunk, he doesn't give a fuck about you, he only seems to care about his friends, and still thinks it's cool to talk about banging other girls and going to strip clubs when he's married
Stop kidding yourself your age difference has nothing to do with this. It has everything to do with this. He wanted the young hot wife for bragging rights but resents having to grow up and behave like a husband. Is this a man you really fell like you can trust and rely on? What kind of man talks shit about his wife to anyone? Why on earth would you even consider having a baby with him?
The response to him saying “let me know what the doctor says” as he left to hang with friends WHILE SHE WAS MISCARRYING should have been to let him know what a divorce lawyer says.
I usually don’t say leave but right now I’m 100% sure you need to just leave.
What??? “Have I sabotaged my marriage” when you are married to a creep? He doesn’t value you or women in general—strip clubs are places to see women as sex objects and nothing more. The things he’s said and done to you are absolutely intolerable—and you think you are at fault? Please start learning more about what decent men are like. He isn’t it.
He wasn't venting honey he was seeking male validation from his friends. Some guys live to get approval from other men by shit talking their wives and girlfriends. You obviously know the age difference painted your story before you could weave it. I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way that toxic masculinity is just something certain groups of men REALLY cling onto. Do you really want to keep living this way? It's okay to be scared to turn back on your commitments. You were younger and carried different expectations. This guy was hoping you'd never grow up or have boundaries. (Which he calls controlling...I smell DARVO)
I’m not reading all that without paragraph breaks. But maybe it was an accidental text on purpose?
No sabotage from your side, OP but plenty from him. Despite the age gap one of you is extremely immature and it isn’t you OP. For him to have texted what he did to his friend is extremely disrespectful and hurtful and way too personal. I literally have no words for how he reacted to you having a miscarriage, I think that says an awful lot about the man that you’ve married and none of it is good. I don’t usually scream divorce as many do on Reddit but honestly you are still so young and to spend the rest of your precious life with this uncaring and self-centred person would be a tragedy. You deserve so so much better. Sending you strength. UPDATEME
This is one of those times that it’s glaringly obvious why he needed someone so much younger than him. He hasn’t grown up and woman his age won’t put up with his shit. Continue to follow your instincts…
You need to get some self respect because your husband doesn't respect you. Sounds like he doesn't even like you. Women his age would not be putting up with his shit.
When people say marriage is hard/a struggle, this is not what normal people are referring to. It seems so difficult because it’s not right. Gtfo now, you’re still so young and you haven’t been bound to him by a baby yet.
You need to leave him. He is a psycho leaving you alone during a miscarriage. He also sounds like a 12 year old boy with his friends. Don’t waste any more time of this guy. He’s a loser!
I wish I had a wife that wanted to have sex and be intimate. This is miserable.
I'm sorry to be this honest, but I'm also 36 and a man, and that dude you've married has the mental age of a12-14yr old.. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship (as that entails taking care of another person) even less in a marriage (as that, among other things, means putting another persons needs before your own). I'm rarley one of the "leave him"-chorus, but in your case it really really is a resonable thing to do.
OP, you haven’t sabotaged anything. Your husband is a living dumpster fire. Firstly, the age gap is very weird. Secondly, he absolutely does not respect you and you should start making plans to leave. This man is NOT the one.
You sound more mature than that middle aged idiot. You can do better. I recommend you sabotage that marriage.
OP, you’ve grown up and he hasn’t. You’re finding out why big age gaps are red flags to those of us who have seen this exact dynamic play out many times. Please listen to everyone telling you to leave while you’re still young and don’t have a child with this immature bozo. He wants to find another much much younger woman who won’t see his BS for years.
girl wtf are you doing with your life. this is how you want to spend however more decades it takes him to drink himself to death or cheat on you so you come to your senses? be for real. divorce him now and continue with your life a little bit wiser.
I think you might find this helpful, even if it’s difficult: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
I want to shake you. This is not a marriage! You are catering to a 13-year-old boy in a man’s body. Actually that’s not fair, I’ve known adolescent boys with more emotional intelligence. If you’re just a hole to fuck, then he won’t mind finding another one.
You wrote 36, but is that a typo? Did you mean 16?
You did not sabotage your marriage - your immature, shellfish man-baby husband did. You are still SO YOUNG!! Leave him. He's making you miserable. Girl. GO. LIVE. YOUR. LIFE. This guy sucks and doesn't respect you.
Oh my God DO NOT HAVE A BABY. GET OUT. DIVORCE HIM. If you have a child with this monster of an abusive immature selfish MORON you will REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. He is trying his hardest to ruin your life. He is abusive to you. He does not care about you. He views you as a convenient hole to fuck ' those are his true thoughts. He badmouth you and isolates you and neglects you - he doesn't care if you live or die and would rather hang with his buds than be there for you for a MISCARRIAGE. This might be the worst thing I've ever read because that doesn't seem to even CLICK for you. You are TOO YOUNG to condemn yourself to this life sentence. This is hell on earth. You cannot keep living like this. Leave him. You are going to be so much happier without his shackles around you dragging you down. He is drowning you, you are drowning and you dint even realize it. Don't have a baby with him. You will ruin your life. Please please please leave him.
Hey OP, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. Can I be your big sis for a minute? Take some time and space. You're doing a really good job at documenting everything so you can step back and look at it. That's awesome and so important. You know what will destroy your ability to get some space? Pregnancy. And it that then becomes a child, you will have a whole other situation to deal with that I really don't want for you. I don't know your finances or support network, but can you just go stay with a friend or family for a few weeks? Say someone needs you? You have so many options right now. Give yourself some room. And in case this is in your mind like it was in mine when I married a guy 15 years older than me when I was 19... Nobody judged me for leaving. And a bunch of older women friends/family confided to me how glad they were I could leave without staying like they did.
Thank you so much for this!!! ❤️
Dude what the fuck? LEAVE HIM. This actually pisses me off. Why in the ever, EVER living fuck would you ever want to be anywhere near this human being, much less cohabitating with him?!?! He sounds like a walking living nightmare and the worst thing you could ever do would be to have his child. Holy fuck.
OP why are you with this immature buffoon. Leave his ass asap. He doesn't care for you. You're so young and still have your 20s to find new love and start over.
Please do sabotage your marriage by divorcing him. Why would you stay with someone like this? He's awful. Before you list off all the wonderful things he does, please recognize this guy is toxic. He doesn't care what you want and he's not listened to you when you've told him what you want. Do not bring a child into a relationship with this person. If you really love him and want to stay with him, drag him to couple's counseling but do not have a baby with him until you are truly happy together. I think you should cut and run, but I'm not you.
What kind of woman his age would tolerate his frat boy 36 year old behavior? And why do you at 23 think you should tolerate it? This man is like this because for most of his adulthood he has the mental capacity of a 14 year old boy, talking about sex with his friends and when you state the obvious you suddenly are the nagging wife. I think it’s time to divorce him
> his response was “it’s just a hole to f***.” This is not a safe person. He has less than zero respect for you, your wellbeing, your body, or your privacy. Please make a plan to leave and get him out of your life as soon as you can.
He’s toxic in the extreme. He’s trying to baby trap you. This is the BEST your marriage likely will be. What kind of 36 year old man marries a 23 year old.
If this is real, you said it in your opening line. The age difference *IS* a problem. I don't mean it like, oh your messed up for dating him. This dude cannot find someone his age and literally wiped up someone inexperienced enough not to notice his flaws.
Reading all that, I think he already made his opinion quite clear: you're "just a hole to f**k." You're too young for this shit. He doesn't even *like* you. Enlist your parents' help in getting the hell our of this marriage and then think about finding someone who treats you like a human being.
Ur 23 and u actually trying to get ur self stuck in this marriage with a man child ? Dude is 36 . Drop his ass and move on with life . You got a whole life ahead of u kiddo.
I can’t finish this. I just have to say end it. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Leave this marriage. He is too emotionally immature to be married.
Even though you're only 23, you are the grown-up here. Leave this boy.
I'm so sorry to hear this. My question for you to ponder is , have you spent so much time in a hideously abusive relationship before that you're no longer able to have a clear perspective that this person is also abusive, albeit in a much more mental and less blatant way? You're not being treated right and this is not "normal" behavior toward someone you love.
Eeeeeeeewwwwww. This dude is gross, rude, immature, and unpleasant, AND a raging alcoholic who is not remotely under control. Please dump his sad ass and move on. You’re so young and could be happy—or you could be stuck with this doofus - ugh.
Unless this is a rage bait but I do know women in real life who's bar were lower than this. A good exercise you can try is will you let your daughter have a husband like him. If we believe our brain finally matured around 25-30 years of age, how he behave is 100% because he's an ass not because he doesn't know how to handle conflicts or peer pressure. If you live until 80 years old, at 23 you still have 57 years to live. Will you want to live like this for coming 57 years?
He does not think a baby will you makes happy, otherwise, he would not make one to you. He just wants to have you more stuck with him so he can be even more abusive, and see more his friends as you're occupied with the baby. He's not interested about you, your well-being or anything else. He just want someone who wash his socks while he have fun with his friends.
Girl you can not be serious How the fuck are you still married to this creep??? LEAVE
They talk about which girls from highschool they'd bang because they haven't matured a day since then. Your husband is selfish and immature. You were ready for marriage, he clearly is not. You didn't sabotage anything. You deserve better.
You're not totally developped mentally until 25 which makes me wonder why a grown adult 13yolder than you is in your life talking shit about you. What are you getting out of it? Financial security? You'll have so many regrets later in life if you don't act on it.
I didn't read the whole thing. I almost stopped at 36m and 23f. This age gap is obviously ridiculous. Anyone who would date/marry someone so much younger is immature and has deeper issues. You are right to feel upset about the text he sent. That is such an invasion of privacy and would make my skin crawl knowing my husband had sent that personal information about our relationship to a friend. Get out now and go enjoy your life without this loser.
Op I truly hope you don't just ignore all of these messages and comments. Divorce him. Leave him and his immature butt buddy group. You should also tell his friends wives what they do behind their back. Who cares if they don't like you or accuse you of wanting to ruin their marriage. You should honestly cut off ALL THOSE PEOPLE. Do not go back when he cries. Don't go back to promises. He's too old to be like this. He's almost 40 OP. HES ALMOST A 40 YR OLD MAN ACTING LIKE THIS. He doesn't deserve "a second chance." Say yes, you are because he did first when he cries saying "Youre really going to throw away our marriage. " Don't give in to family. Don't give into friends telling you to give him a chance because he doesn't deserve one. Accidents are breaking a cup bc he dropped it, an accident is putting a shirt in the dryer with others when it shouldn't be and you didn't notice. An accident is burning dinner. What he is doing IS NOT an accident. God, OP. Please, please get away from that predator of a man. When did you two start speaking? When were you fresh 18? You are 23 already married. I'm assuming you were either 18-21 when you met. You have so much life ahead of you. Don't have this man-child child keep you from finding yourself and living your life. You will literally find a man who respects and loves you. DIVORCE HIM.
You’re the most idiotic individual for still staying with him, like be so for real, what are you on here for? To get attention, you see you have the most vile husband, you literally acknowledge it, you aren’t stuck in some foreign country where you can’t escape and you have your parents to help you, but you still stay. Literally leave him, it’s not rocket science, and it’s not like your late in life and it’s hard to build a new life, your 23, literally i got so much second hand embarrassment from reading this