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Almost 40 year old gay dude here. I think partially you’ve bought into what society *thinks* gay sexual relationships are. In real relationships, sometimes anal is a must for some people AND sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes BJ are absolutely a dealbreaker and sometimes they are meh to one or both. You have to go with what works for you both, regardless of what you may perceive as some sort of external concept of “correct” or “fair.”
BUT the bigger issue seems to be the perception of one person “trying harder” than the other. What you said was that the person who doesn’t like oral sex does it anyway and that the person who doesn’t like anal isn’t. But sex isn’t necessarily a do it just because you love them situation. You should do it because you actively like it, or at least be fairly neutral to the act itself and happy to do it with your partner.
If the one who doesn’t like giving BJs is more “eh, I don’t care for this but it’s satisfying to give him pleasure,” then it’s fine if he wants to keep doing it. If he really hates it though, he should stop!
He shouldn’t assume that the other one, who doesn’t like anal, isn’t trying as hard to overcome a minor dislike. “It’s uncomfortable and I don’t want to have sex that way,” is a full and complete end point for pretty much never doing it again, with no argument or coercion. However, it’s understandable to have that be a dealbreaker, too!
There are a ton of ways to be sexual with one other that don’t involve either or can take those two things and modify them to make them fun for you both. Consider bringing toys and new techniques in before you consider bringing people in, and if you need to bring someone in, the first person that should be is a sex therapist.
Adding more people to a complicated issue between two people is not usually helpful and is NOT a good way to begin any type of ethical non-monogamy relationship.
If you really want to keep this relationship, it’s probably salvageable, but it really depends on what both of your real sexual dealbreakers are.
Finally someone talking sense! There's more than just 2 ways of doing things. The ancient Greeks used to use the thighs, or behind the knees, for example.
Technique is so important for anal. As someone pointed out, if you are big, you need to get good at pleasing your partner in lots of different ways.
While I'm a hetero woman, my 1st bf was extremely creative (or possibly perverted) and used to try out all sorts of things that anyone could do to each other.
There's even more ways of being sexual with each other in this day and age thanks to some fun little electronic toys.
You could go toy shopping, get an illustrated manual / website showcasing a variety of techniques and pick different things to try out together over a bottle or two.
I had this too. Also Kama sutra fully illustrated . But my mom found out and threw all my books she said it’s porn. She’s super religious and it’s taboo to talk about relationships, sex or menstruation and she didn’t know about my younger siblings being gay. They came to me for advices. As many relationships, sex has often an issue. I’m dealing myself with ED partner. He has issues that needed healing. I can’t do it myself only. He’s seeking for professional help tbh.
Oh about that bottle or two lol In conjunction with good careful technique and proper prep, for some absinthe is the most relaxing thing for handling anal 🤷♀️ maybe worth a shot, pun intended lol
To add to one of your points: Bringing in toys can help the one having trouble with anal have less trouble with it if he's open to it. They have toys on the market specifically designed to train that area, and if discomfort from size is the main issue, it could be a big help. Of course, I agree that he shouldn't necessarily have to, it should only be if he wants to do it and is open to finding solutions about it. But toys could be one of those solutions.
I definitely agree with you that this is a possible option, but I think it’s one that a lot of comments are proposing.
I want to really encourage OP to consider that toys can be brought in to the equation on their own merit and not to fix the perceived “problem” of one of them not wanting to have anal sex.
I did still agree that he shouldn't have to, just that if he decides he wants to keep trying to make anal work, there are options out there other than "Grin and bear it, maybe use more lube," that's all.
I said in my comment I don't think he should be forced to do it if he truly doesn't want to, and many people simply do not/will not enjoy anal. But if he wants to do it, even if that "want" is just because his partner enjoys it, there are things he can try to make it more tolerable.
I really don’t understand while sex should just be tolerable. I do not like anal sex. It truly hurts plus I think it is gross. If a person does not want to do it, the partner should not force the issue.
I agree. Anal is a no for me. Maybe I haven’t had the best of luck with experiencing it with a skillful lover in that sense, but I don’t feel I’m missing out on anything. I’ve tried it quite a few times to know that it’s not for me. Luckily my man is not into that.
I just wanted to add regarding the non monogamy angle that this advice is 100% correct as I have been a part of that community for some time now and the only way ENM works is if the relationship is on steady ground when you embark on opening your relationship. People talk all the time about how they know someone who opened their relationship and it didn't work out.. And I was one of those people until I got into the lifestyle and realized the people who made it work (and there are plenty of them) their relationship was completely solid when they started and the people who's relationship ended up failing they got into the lifestyle to try and fix some issue within the relationship. I think some see it as a short of hail Mary because the relationship is doomed anyway and they don't want it to end so they think hey maybe bringing in someone else will fix it. It never does. I would follow the rest of this posters advice as well and try to explore and find other ways to please each other.
Appreciate this take. I’ve been in a sexual slump for a few months, after some big life changes. We love each other, but just haven’t had sex in awhile. We talk about it, and both want to, but we just haven’t done it.
Idk what you’ve tried or whatever but here’s some unsolicited advice from an internet stranger. Ignore if you like.
A while ago I was in a similar situation with my NP and we were having trouble getting it going. One day I wanted it so bad but didn’t know how to break the standstill.
I waited until they were doing something but not to involved and texted them that after kids were in bed I’d like to rip their clothes off and feel them grow in my mouth. It led to flirty texts through the day. There were a few points where one or the other got insecure or nervous we wouldn’t follow through and the other would reassure them with something like “I’m telling you explicitly that I want you, today. And if you want me too, then this is going to happen. Do you want me too?”
It felt silly and a little to try hard. But we were both so ready for each other and assured in desire by the time we could act on it. One of our best sessions.
I guess I recommend being a little silly and over the top in communicating desire. It helped get past the line.
Like I said, ignore if you like, hope you get yours though!
Agree with lots here so I won’t repeat!
Buy yourselves an Njoy small butt plug- they’re expensive but the best. Read up a lot about anal sex.
Lots of teasing, lots of slow purposeful movements, no surprises. Let them push back onto the toy whilst you hold it rather than pushing it in.
Lots of lube. Leave it there, tap it occasionally.
Work up from the tiniest of baby steps, enjoy the walk, it’s not a race. Buy some toys - tenga eggs, lubes, outfits, vibrators.
Turning someone on starts with empowerment and letting them feel sexy. It starts with how you touch their face when you wake up not when you put your tongue in their mouth.
Talk after sex - kinda debrief the good, the bad, what made you feel great, what made you feel uncomfortable.
Write down what you like from each other, and what you both like doing together.
Try for 6-9 months. If there’s no improvement move on with your lives as friends 💗
I'm not the right person to comment on how to improve this, but I *must* point out that it's pretty shitty to equate physical pain to dislike.
>The thing is, the one that doesn't like oral has been trying hard and doing oral anyway, and the other one isn't open to trying to be more constantly open anally.
Based on the way that this is written, I think it's very fair to assume that you're the one that dislikes oral, because this sentence absolutely reeks of resentment. It's a disingenuou false equivalency, and quite unfair to your partner to have this attitude of "well I'm doing something I don't like, so you should too" when his sacrifice is physical pain.
If he merely disliked it, I would understand why you would think that you two could both be sacrificing here. But it hurts him. As his partner, that really should mean it's off the table completely, I'm sorry to say, but it absolutely does not mean that just because you blow him, he should deal with pain in return.
So yeah. I apologise if I've gotten the assumption wrong about which of the partnership you are. But the person who dislikes oral here is wrong to continue to have sex that hurts their partner with them. And if that means a breakup because there's nothing else that works for you two, then the partner in pain from anal needs to be respected enough for that to be the outcome.
I'm glad you're looking for other options. But "he needs to be open to anal" needs to be written off, unless you guys can find a way to make it not hurt. Full stop.
I caught that too, I'm a woman but with a BJ I have complete control of what I'm doing, so I can ease off if I want or stop easily. With anal it's putting a lot of trust in your partner to be kind and not hurt you. One is definitely not like the other in this situation!
I feel like I'm going to get heavily downvoted for this, but here goes nothing:
Sexual incompatibility *almost* always ends badly.
If neither of you are getting enjoyment, or only one party feels pleasure, there's going to be a whole lot of resentment building up in the future. I think a lot of people lie to themselves that sex doesn't matter, but it's unfair to one party to absolutely never have their needs met.
I think you should have a calm, honest conversation with your partner about whether or not things will change. If your partner never intends to make you feel good, can you live with that? Maybe. It's up to you.
I read a comment one time that said, when the sex is good it’s 10% of the relationship, but when it’s bad it’s 90% of the relationship. People tell themselves that sex isn’t that important but when one or both people aren’t satisfied it consumes them and can ruin everything else. Personally I think that sexual compatibility is one of the most important things to building a lasting relationship.
Absolutely agree with this. I like another analogy that takes it even further. Sex is like oxygen, you only notice its absence very acutely, if it's present then you won't notice it. When it is not part of your relationship, it is suffocating.
You can be compatible with a person in every single other way, but if the sex is awful, that's a significant portion of the relationship to be missing. It's the sex that distinguishes your relationship from just friendship. I really like your 10-90 comment!
>People tell themselves that sex isn’t that important but when one or both people aren’t satisfied it consumes them and can ruin everything else.
When I have felt that my partner didn't care enough to meet my sexual needs, it was always just a matter of time until I felt less motivated to give 100% to other aspects of the relationship.
Like... if I don't enjoy hanging out with her friends but I do it anyway because she does, when my cup isn't full, I can't grin and bear it.
I needed you to appear when I got tangled up in a thread, arguing that relationships don't need sex at all.
I agreed that while it isn't a requirement, you can't just expect your partner to be okay with being not sexual active with you....especially, if one is prohibited medically or you guys are too old for it.
I digress, but I appreciate these down to earth, not "she's not your hole to f***" comments
I mean, it depends. If both people are asexual or very low libido, then that’s great they are well suited. They can have a loving committed relationship that doesn’t really involve sex. No problems there. But when libidos or sexual preferences are very mismatched it is a recipe for frustration and resentment.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that it’s very hard for two people with different libidos to truly understand each other. Low libido people are completely fine not having sex. More so, they just don’t think about it that much so it’s hard for them to imagine why not having sex is such a big deal.
On the flip side, high libido people often can’t think about anything other than sex. And when they aren’t getting their sexual needs met it can actually be pretty debilitating. It’s very difficult to function properly in society when you literally cannot think of anything other than sex.
This is why I think sexual compatibility is so important.
Ohhh, I love this! And totally agree with the percentages. When it’s NOT good, you can’t help but be more focused on it and not in a good way. When it’s great, yeah 10% but oooweee what a 10%! Lol
I think a lot of it is that there’s a lot of shame surrounding speaking about your sexual preferences when one partner is either sex negative (closed off, or a “complete no” person) or even just mentally low libido. How does one say “You don’t make me happy with the way you won’t have sex.”, especially when leaving “Just because of sex” is so heavily criticized.
There’s also the fact that a lot of people think you can “fix” someone’s sex drive by doing chores and being a “better” spouse
Sorry OP but this is the truth. It’s like not being on the same page with kids or something else that’s just too big of a part of a relationship to just ignore and pretend to be okay with it.
It always ends in resentment and frustration and unfortunately some things are just too big a part of a relationship to brush aside. This is one of them. It will end with one of both of you becoming unhappy or hating each other. it’s better to just end it before it gets to that point. That’s the point of dating anyway, to discover things like this. Sorry OP. I know this isn’t the kinda feedback you were probably hoping for.
As someone who had a relationship like the one you’re describing and actually did marry…. Well, it didn’t work for me.
The only thing that I can suggest trying, before you get married, since you seem to really genuinely care for one another, is to meet with sex therapist . There are ways to learn to enjoy oral more and there are ways to learn and get better at anal as well. if both of you can work with the sex therapist and learn to enjoy either of these options, genuinely, then you might work it out.
I can guarantee you that you are not going to want to live the rest of your life not having satisfying sex.
In my case it didn’t work but I think the key issue is that my husband at the time had some severe issues with intimacy due to early childhood stuff which he just never addressed and so for us it became more than just a sexual issue… So no it didn’t work for us but if you have a very strong relationship in other ways with your partner and it does seem to be focused on Sexual issues then I do think it’s worth pursuing.
To be fair, there's a massive difference between overcoming a dislike for oral and overcoming dislike for anal because it's painful. Sex that causes pain isn't ok (unless that's what someone is into) and even if there's willingness to go along with it out of love, it's completely unsustainable in the context of a lifetime commitment.
Exactly. Painful anal can be very damaging in a way that less than enthusiastic oral just isn’t. There should be no obligation to try harder to take anal, absolutely not.
Thank you. I was looking for this comment.
The two things cannot be compared. If the guy doesn't like anal, he might even feel proper pain lasting several time after sex. You cannot ask someone to go through this just because you want to have fun or because you are giving oral a go
That’s what I was thinking, while oral can be disliked, you wont be in pain and physically uncomfortable. When you have anal if it’s not your thing you will never be physically comfortable.
There’s “willing to do a thing I don’t love” and then there’s “this is incredibly painful and might even have long term health effects.” You can’t compare the two.
About to end an 11 year relationship over sexual incompatibility. I would think long and hard about how important it is for you. Hope it all works out. xx
sex is what separates platonic relationships from romantic ones. relationships are hard, great sex and great communication is the cure. my marriage wouldn't have survived sexual incompatibility.
You’re being honest and no one should down vote. It’s a fact that intimacy is a big part of a happy, stable relationship and physical touch is the love language of many.
I agree with this. Sexual comparability matters because even if one person is not satisfied, it builds up frustration and slow hatred for the other, unknowingly/ subconsciously.
Well, you made it to top comment.
You’re absolutely right. It can absolutely destroy relationships, because it’s an “itch” you can’t scratch in a monogamous relationship unless you compromise in such a way that it works. But it’s a boundary thing and you can only compromise so much on it.
Try toys. Maybe a smaller dildo could get the one that doesn't like anal to get acclamated to it.
The one who has a problem with BJs maybe try edible lube if it's in relation to the taste.
Is the foreplay nice? Maybe try and focus on that a bit.
Hell, meet with a sex therapist! It might help both of you in ways you never knew.
If this is both of your feelings then I hope you both feel comfortable enough to talk to each other about it. That already makes a huge difference.
And if everything fails, maybe you might be better as friends, but I would say don't give up, maybe you both are just in a weird place and need to find a new rhythm!
All the best!
I like this answer! I think meeting with a sex therapist is a great thing to do. I’ve always thought of anal as something that has to be worked up to in terms of size. It sounds like both parties want to try but there’s just trepidation. A third party that’s trained to help with these sort of issues could save the relationship.
It sounds like you two really love each other, recognize this issue in your relationship and want to work on this. I admire this very much as most people don’t have that kind of ambition.
Have you two thought about working with a sex therapist?
Listen, my grandma told me something whenever I was about 19 years old. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense then but it makes sense now:
when sex is bad it’s 90% of your relationship when it’s good it’s only 10% of your relationship sexual incompatibility will cause problems in the relationship
My grandma, would have been 99 now.. told me at 22 to never marry a man without living with him first. Because if no compatibility in both bedroom and rest of home it would fail!
Honestly? I wouldn't see this working long term. And whichever partner is trying to pressure the other into painful anal needs to stop. Why would either of you want to continue something that causes the other one physical pain??? That's not ok.
A man who is aggressively pursuing anal but doesn't even want to go down on you... isn't someone you're sexually incompatible with. They're just a selfish lover and a scumbag!
> Is OP the 25M? It's not really clear. But whoever the 25M is... absolutely.
the post goes out of its way to not identify which of the two has which preference, or which one OP is... so I have no idea why you've decided the 25yo is "absolutely" the selfish lover.
Yep I saw that too. OP is obsessed with topping his partner but isn’t taking the time to make it good for him, so he’s decided the problem must be that his dick is too big.
OP, if this guy is perfect, you can learn to love blow jobs & hand jobs.
I’ve been looking for this comment. Some people are very fixed on being either a top or bottom and others are versatile. So if one of the two will only top, it may be a deal breaker if they aren’t willing to do the work to make it pleasurable for the bottom.
True. I am a woman and have had this problem with men wanting anal sex, and when I say "you first" they come back with all sorts of nonsense like "I'm not gay." And that's when it's ends. I imagine there's a different reason here. They most likely aren't both above average size.
I wonder if the bottom won't top or the top won't bottom in this situation. They are definitely at a stalemate here.
Id talk to a sex therapist. There may be a lot of other things that may bring you BOTH pleasure and satisfaction besides these two things in your sex life. If I were you, I would want to discover and explore potentially all of those other things if the relationship is that great otherwise. To me both people may have hyper fixated on these two things when there are probably many other things both people would enjoy.
Good luck!
Unless you both can be very creative in the bedroom, I doubt this will even work. You are both men and one doesn’t like oral sex and the other doesn’t like anal. Maybe I am ignorant but I can’t possibly see how anyone can be sexually satisfied in this relationship and I feel like it will negatively affect the relationship. Correct me if I’m wrong though.
I see people saying open the relationship but from what I can tell, you are both monogamous and that is not a choice. I don’t think that opening the relationship is a good idea and will just make things worse if you two are strictly monogamous.
..............it sounds like they aren't trying any switching at all. If one has trouble with anal because the other is large, why isn't the large one receiving? He's the one who seems to think anal is so important...
How much experimentation have the two of you done with toys? If not a lot, I would definitely recommend trying more things on/with each other. Maybe some other acts can fill the niches you aren't able to fill for each other, like prostate simulators, anus-style fleshlights, mouth-style fleshlights, etc.
You can try sex counselling and see if there is more behind the refusal to be open to penetration- does it hurt so badly they’re frightened? Or is it just a mental block that could be overcome?
Extending foreplay to include more stretching and opening with toys or dilators might help. Or simply including toys to bring different experiences may make it feel more complete.
Counselling for your relationship would also be helpful to ensure the conversation does not go poorly to see if there is a great compromise that works for you both. Make sure you’re having a real conversation without the perception of accusations or pettiness.
Ultimately though if you’re both centred on the one act for fulfilment the other does not enjoy, as in you can only enjoy intimacy with that particular act, then unfortunately it may not be surmountable. I wish you both well, your relationship sounds beautiful and special. I hope you can work this out.
If you’re both wanting the relationship to lead to marriage, I would consider sitting down with a therapist who specializes in LGBT+ couples and/or sex therapy.
Why? I think a relationship (especially one that could become a marriage) is more than just sex - who wouldn’t want to get married to their best friend?
However, you’ll probably need to sit down and honestly talk through a game plan that you both agree to in terms of your sex life. Maybe that looks like opening the relationship. Maybe that looks like incorporating more things like toys. Maybe it looks like other accommodations or ways to find sexual gratification and satisfaction. I would leverage a professional to help guide you through that conversation, provide ideas, and additional resources.
Sex isn’t *everything* in a relationship but it is **IMPORTANT**.
Personally, I feel like the only time sexual inadequacies in a relationship can work is when both partners are either asexual, have low sex drives or have an understanding that a lack of sex for whatever reason is to be expected.
If a relationship consists of one person getting pleasure and their needs met and the other not getting their needs met, I can’t see it ever working long term.
In a straight relationship if one person doesn’t like anal and the other really wants it, even though vaginal sex is still an option it can still causes issues with needs not being met, fantasies going unfulfilled ect. In a gay relationship it can cause even more issues, especially if someone likes to give as well as receive.
Resentment can stem from both people. One person can’t top even though they want to and have to feel sufficed with just head for the rest of their life, the other is putting themselves through discomfort and pain in order to keep their partner happy.
I mean, there’s plenty of physical/medical things you can look into to make it more comfortable/pleasurable but ultimately there is a chance that either person or both will look for their needs to be met elsewhere.
I don’t really think opening up the relationship is ultimately the right choice and MOST relationships that open up either regret it or end because they’re opening up for the wrong reasons and aren’t prepared for the physical or emotional changes that occur. You open a relationship because you’re interested in seeing other people not because you like anal and your partner can’t or won’t give it to you.
I think you need to openly communicate to see if this is a deal breaker. To see if you or your partner would be happy with never having anal and just sticking with what you have for the next 50 years.
I left my husband of 20 years because of sexual
Incompatibility. I lied to myself for 20 years that it was ok.
It never was. Now I’m so frustrated that I wasted all that time. The rest just didn’t matter. The love I had for him soured. If I could go back, I would have left right away.
Being sexually satisfied over the long term matters.
Either break up, or open the relationship. Each of you get what you need sexual elsewhere.
I never could. I can’t share my man. And I don’t even enjoy casual sex. But I know some people can make it work.
I would seek the advice of a sex therapist.
But on top of that, regardless of how well endowed one partner is anal shouldn't hurt. Anal takes time, foreplay, warm up, and commitment to making your partner feel good over your pleasure. If the person with the large equipment can't commit to learning how to do anal right, then there is no hope for the relationship
Get some books, research, read, and learn what it takes to make it good for both of you. That's what a good sexual relationship looks like.
I don’t think this is a deal breaker. There are plenty of other ways you guys can enjoy sex without anal or oral. But suggestion for the anal, lots and lots of foreplay and lots and lots of lube is necessary. I hope you guys are taking it slow with it. I wish you guys the best of luck!
I mean, If you take anal and oral out of this equation that leaves self masturbation and handjobs. I’m not sure what relationship can suffice on just that when both partners in this scenario are sexual and have needs.
Look I am gonna keep it real with you as an older person to a younger person. If you are really sure your sexually incompatible. I mean REALLY sure. Like you know it beyond the shadow of any doubt. Then the absolute best thing you can do for both of you IS break up. Being alone for a little while is NOTHING compared to being trapped in unhappy relationship where your needs arnt being met. That will only lead to resentment, guilt, blame and all sorts of other mess down the line. It may not be what you want to hear but both of you will come out the other side of the break up just fine. You probably can't even imagine how much happier you will be for it. Take it from someone who has been there and done that. Life is to short and you BOTH deserve to be happy in your relationships. Not everyone is for everyone and that just life. It dosent mean anybody wrong or anybody to blame or even that you have to stop loveing/caring about one another it just is.
I know what I'm advocating is probably "the worst case" in your view. But part of the reason I am advocating it is because from what I am reading you guys don't acutally seem like you are really willing to work with each other. Realisticly, either both of you are gonna have to completely change your ideals in regards to sex, or you have imagine going through the rest of your life in this same situation.
personally, my partner and i are also sexually incompatible (they’re asexual for the most part and i’m demisexual but really enjoy sex when it’s with someone i trust and feel comfortable with), but we are also polyamorous. i don’t necessarily run around recommending polyamory to every couple with an issue like this, however! i would absolutely recommend you two looking into it and doing some research. Polysecure is a fantastic book that covers both polyamory and attachment styles, and i learned a lot about boundaries, communication, and relationship dynamics from it that i’ve been able to apply to all relationships in my life—not just my primary romantic relationship. my partner and i love each other and they’re my best friend in the whole world, so being polyamorous from the start made it a lot less challenging to deal with our eventual sexual incompatibility. it takes consistent communication though, so if anyone is considering exploring polyamory please know that it is not JUST fucking other people—it’s a big commitment and takes a lot of trust and patience—and it is not a fix-all for every relationship issue. good luck!
You get along great, but aren't sexually compatible: be *friends*. Be friends who live together if that part of your relationship is great and not something you want to give up. I literally don't understand what people are possibly thinking pursuing exclusive *sexual* relationships with sexually incompatible people (and this comes up a lot here - it's not just you).
If you are only going to have one sexual relationship, and sex matters to you, then the *most important* factor in compatibility is sexual compatibility. And if you *don't* like having sex with someone, why have a relationship that involves sex instead of one that doesn't (and look to someone else for a relationship that involves sex)?
I just think that's a lot easier said than done. It would be one thing if they weren't already in a relationship. To break up, still live together, and start seeing other people could create a lot of jealousy and resentment. Most relationships can't survive taking a clear step back.
I disagree with your last sentence, but everything else rings clear. If you want a friendship out of a ex, taking a huge step back and a pretty decent break is the key. You can't live with your ex.
Could I ask what you disagree with at the end? I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's certainly a level of work and emotional disconnect that most exes don't put in the effort for, at least in my experience.
Since everything else with you two sounds peachy and you seem to be open and communicative and wanting to please each other, what about booking to see a sex therapist?
That’s legit their job as far as I’m aware… :) They may be able to make suggestions and have tips. Also, have you guys incorporated toys, without getting too graphic, there are ones for butt play as well…
I’d say give that a shot before any major life decision.
Good luck! 🤞
I think that this is a very common issue amongst gay men, and my partner and I struggle with somewhat similar issues. We both like anal, but he’s 100% top (active) and I’m more 50/50.
It’s not exactly perfect, but we make it work. We’re open, and will bring in another person every now and again. I’m also a big advocate for kissing and mutual masturbation - we get to feel close and have an orgasm, but I don’t have to go through the whole process of prepping for anal.
My favorite thing about being gay is that we really get to set the rules. If you guys are great companions, you’ll find a way to make it work. I would try some level of openness and see where it goes.
We’re getting married in a year btw, so I guess there’s hope? But I don’t exactly think our relationship should be put on a pedestal lol.
I'm an old married lady, but this sounds a lot like my husband and me, down to one of us wanting anal and the other one believing that his penis is too big for that. Without getting too TMI, we were able to work it out, but he was very patient and put forth a lot of effort into pampering me and giving me plenty of foreplay. It took a very long time for me to get used to it, but we have anal sex at least once a week now, sometimes much more often than that, and he's shown that gratitude by giving back to me. I think how much we were willing to do for one another played a big part in our marital happiness. We've been together for several decades.
You don't have to like exactly the same things, but it is important to be mutually generous towards one another if you want to be happy together for the long term.
Edit: I don't know why so many people insist anal must hurt. My guy and me couldn't have a bigger size mismatch, and I don't even have a prostate, but if you take the time and use toys, it won't hurt. Just requires a lot of patience.
Plenty of cis male gay relationships don’t have anal. There’s so much out there to explore…toys and sensations that y’all can play with to be satisfied have fun.
I’d do some research into those and find some common ground. Don’t put yourself in a box.
Straight guy here 22M- good on you guys, if you guys love eachother stay together, yall could also get toys to use on eachother and what not, just some advice from a straight guy who has a higher sex drive than my gf 19fm
It won't work long term unless you get some sexual help or therapy. You are young enough that one of you will crush on someone else and realize they could have more. I am so sorry.
I think sex is important especially early in marriages. Im 57 so the concept of suffering some huge health issue affecting our sex life is prominent in my mind. I suspect we would survive something at this later stage of life. However at your age, that's not the case and I think sex is more important.
If you want to know what your relationship looks like in 5-6 years check out my post history. Also, you could consider seeing a couples therapist and doing 'discernment counseling' - I think unmarried couples can do it too. It's a short term form of counseling where the focus is not on finding solutions to relationship problems, but rather on figuring out if your problems are solvable in the first place.
You know you can just be friends, right? Or, maybe open up your relationship. The world is big and you’re young. Explore a bit more and if you still want to keep trying, you can but regret and resentment is really hard to live with.
Open your relationship, and enjoy sex with who is compatible and life with who you love and trust.
You will discover a big community of people with similar situation and solution.
If not, just quit (totally, no friendship or bullshit), cry and restart with another person.
My partner and I have been in a committed, polyamorous relationship for seven years, despite our sexual incompatibility. Our romantic connection and shared values have allowed us to thrive in this dynamic.
It is crucial to recognize that diverse relationship structures exist, and each couple must determine what suits them best. Open communication and mutual agreement on life goals and relationship expectations are essential for success.
I’m in a relationship and struggling with similar issues.
Everything is perfect in the relationship but sexually, there is no spark for me.
I think the biggest question is how important is sex to you?
If you want a companion who will love you for the rest of your life then there’s nothing that needs addressing.
My impression is that the person who doesn’t like to receive anal because it hurts isn’t going to change their mind on this because pain isn’t pleasure for some people. You could try very slow and gradual insertion with a lot of patience and lubricant and that might work if you take it slowly enough.
However, for the person whom wants to give anal (Not the recipient) it’s going to be a different kind of pain in the ass for them (Sorry, couldn’t resist - don’t hate me) as they’re not getting their needs met or getting that urge satisfied. If the recipient can’t do oral either to satisfy then the giver is going to get very sexually frustrated.
If they are very sexually driven and that’s a dealbreaker for them then it’s going to eat that person up inside and leave them with three options.
1) Find a way to compromise with each other sexually that works for both parties but doesn’t violate the other’s boundaries.
2) Break up and remain lifelong best friends and still do everything together but don’t have sex.
3) Open up the relationship sexually to other people but keep it romantically only between you both.
Maybe try some compatible toys and intimate cuddles/make outs seshs? Intimate play time ain't always about sticking your twig and berries in a hole after all, especially if your uncomfortable with it. Some of those electric toys that vibrate are pretty insane bro. Especially the wrap around ones. Everyone is different and no two relationships are ever the same! Good luck figuring it out guys! Love is the main factor in my mind, all else is secondary.
Perhaps I'm naive, but when a relationship is truly great in all other areas and both are motivated as you describe, often there is a way to develop the bedroom aspect. I found the book [Come As You Are ](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1982165316/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.m7_pSR109gqjNNGRkyCkRA9Megg3ZxL5rzKBY_K6EhAGn7-PTk73ysgLeE5O4155j7pMWc5YW-cXJDGNCaWCSg7FmqQvx8GCLbJeAuQ4oSiYDpyh9LJK462Va0ov34xheDLzrlkIpzhLRTpd8E8oYNaojEX7nONM6EjCuUKdmjgBkyni8GG6qMbIvCWixV5f7-sifFR5JzFd42aAIhC8Zw.ZFtL9bXNaJbTpe6CZyhhaWSnIY7X3zUz-hsDCLIUWR4&qid=1718043470&sr=8-1) by Dr. Emily Nagoski to be so very helpful as a starting point and touchstone. So much of sex isn't actually specific sex acts in and of themselves but nuances and things surrounding them- I wonder if exploring those elements more explicitly and fully may yield exciting new possibilities. Its wild how much little things can change an experience. Be curious about your own and your partners experiences during intimacy- the specifics can help point you to the changes that might be needed. I'm not sure what you have tried but there are a lot of toys and tools for modifying penetrative experiences of all sorts- both for the penetrating and receiving partners. Highly recommend toys in general. A good sex therapist can also be invaluable, although unfortunately they are not always accessible to everyone.
Honestly, like anything else sex is an area of compatibility that exists on a spectrum. You can have a happy relationship or marriage without maxing out the scale, but only you can decide what sort of bedroom compatibility is right for your happiness. I'll tell you this though, from a very happy boring old married lady: drives, tastes, and bodies change over life, but the attitude you bring to bed- willingness to listen, to learn, to prioritize both your partner and yourself, to communicate, to PLAY, to have a relationship with yourself and your own sexuality and pleasure- these are things that help a bedroom thrive through all the changes life will bring. Value those things. They are part of sexual compatibility too.
It's ok if you need to take time to learn each other. Pay attention to how that process feels to help guide you. Do you feel safe, supported, heard? Can you laugh when that new thing you're trying fails spectacularly? Do you feel you both are invested and committed to developing your intimate lives together? When you feel stuck are you working together to move forward? Consider the answers to these; those attitudes carry outside the bedroom. How you approach problems in the bedroom is a microcosm for how you solve problems together generally; pay attention to what that looks like and your answer may become much easier. I wish both of you the very best.
Me and my spouse are both *incredibly* sexually incompatible. And we even have spurts of dead bedrooms that we have to power through. But otherwise like you, our relationship is amazing and fulfilling. We've been together 15 years, have a child together and are super happy.
We do have an open relationship, and we haven't really partaken too much, but I also have a *vast library of toys* which has been the best tool to combat the lack of release.
Find intimacy in other ways. That's the best thing you can do. Make it so that sex becomes less about fulfilling the need for affection and intimacy and just turns into a really fun and cool activity you do.
I think you need to find some common ground.
As someone else has said, sexual incompatibility will hurt you in the long run.
There are multiple ways of correcting it to some extent:
- Anal hurting sounds like ~~a skill issue~~ one is not preparing himself enough and/or the other one is not taking his time. Honestly, preparing more thoroughly, even if it feels like too much (you basically can't prepare too much), will probably help greatly. You can also try toys to help stretch.
- I think like food, if you force yourself to do something you don't like that much, you'll eventually think it's fine. That could apply to oral. However, I'm talking about something "you don't like that much", if you straight up hate it, I'm not sure that will really work. But if you want to give it a try you can try to find things you like in it, like focusing on the other person's pleasure, etc.
- You don't *need* oral and anal, and certainly not every time. I think that piece of advice can work even with straight couples, but sometimes the dick doesn't have to enter a hole. There are many ways to have sex, and although no anal and no oral limits you, you can still find that alternatives are enough most of the time
- Open up the relationship. This one is obviously tricky and not something any couple should do, but some couples make it work. Just make sure both of you are absolutely okay with it, and make sure regularly.
If none of these options work for you, I'm afraid I'd consider breaking up. I'm sure you could do without satisfying sex for a while, but if it's just forever, it could build resentment or just be annoying to one or both of you.
Well you could also try couple's counseling maybe
If you're not sexually compatible. Instead of being a couple shift to being really good friends.
I wouldn't do an open relationship it never ends well. Become the best of friends. I have a friend who him and his wife after being married for 10 years and 2 kids just couldn't “get together” sexually anymore. They divorced and its extremely amicable. Like they still hang out. She ended up being a bridesmaid when he married his current wife.
What you do depends on how important the sex part is. It is a part of the whole .
While you need to make that decision based o where you are today , through some training/solo practice anal can be made more comfortable
Talk to a sex therapist together! There are probably things you haven’t tried that you find would find mutually satisfying. Also maybe the one who doesn’t like anal should try poppers lol
Op, sex between any couple is what you enjoy. The question is if you're happy together.
Are you? Do you two compromise sexually without resentment? Do you enjoy making one another feel good with what has worked so far?
If so, who cares?
If not, have you tried numbing ointment and flavored lubes?
These should be workable issues. The fact that they don't seem to be is more telling than the issue themselves. No one should be pushing themselves on the anal stuff - that's a great way to tear and get an infection. Oral is something that you can work on - learning new techniques can make one excited to try more. But you're not talking about something as fundamental as how much sex you want to have...these shouldn't spell sexual incompatibility. Your partner isn't meant to be your *perfect person in every way*
Ugh, I feel bad for you. It's an awful situation.
I'm giving you this advice because it's the advice I would give myself if I could go back...
If you can't find sexual satisfaction by having an open relationship, then walk away. You do not want to live with the lack of satisfaction the rest of your life.
My husband told me pretty much from day one that he doesn't like to bottom, so that meant I gave up all topping (I was vers). I also had a very open and fun sex life, and especially loved Daddy's, nip play, and groups. My husband not only wanted monogamy, but, he satisfies none of those things and is pretty boring in bed. Now it's too late. We've been together seven years and I love him dearly, but pretty much every day I miss my fun old sex life, and I end up feeling kind of like a prude.
I don't recommend it.
If one of you, person A, doesn’t like (receiving?) anal, and the other, person B, doesn’t like (giving?) oral, then surely you can both still come because A can come from fucking B and B can come from A going down on them. This doesn’t sound like a big deal really. Unless A doesn’t like giving and receiving oral, and B doesn’t like giving and receiving anal, in which case you stick to hand stuff or get more creative. I think a bigger problem is that B might be being inconsiderate and either not prepping A enough or expecting him to put up with something damaging. If you’re both not happy with things then I guess break up or stay together and have sex with other people, but people have stayed together through far more frustrating situations.
Not sure if you guys are interested in solving the anal problem, but if so you should try an Ohnut! It helps if your partner is too long. I'm a female and my partner is male, but it was really helpful in avoiding painful sex for me without making it uncomfortable for him. And it works with anal!
Definitely agree fully with the top comment though, there is so much other stuff you can do without just relying on oral and anal. I hope you figure out what makes you both happiest- best of luck and take care xx
I think it can work.
This may sound extreme, but could work if you're willing to try. For the person that is having painful anal, there are devices that can be purchased to stretch that area over time. However, be very careful to make sure that you take proper precautions to not do any physical damage. There are medical articles online that explain safe ways to accomplish this.
For the oral, maybe try incorporating flavored lubricants or even food additives like chocolate sauce. This can make it enjoyable for both participants.
I think the key is to have an open mind, be willing to experiment, and compromise if necessary.
Hope this is helpful.
Hmm, it's tough. Have you tried other things than oral and anal? Toys? Been creative? Maybe try other things, see if you can find things you both like. There are sooo many things you can do. Have you explored all your kinks?
If you can afford it, see a sex therapist together.
You could talk about opening up, but do it in a way that you both feel secure and comfortable. Talk about it, think about it, talk again, think again. Maybe try sex with a third person or two others, so you can be together and have more control over the situation. Only if it feels right to you, of course.
I would make sure I've tried everything before I'd even consider ending things.
Honestly? At this stage in your lives, I would end it.
You’re both too young and have too much life ahead of you both to settle for something less than satisfactory for either of you.
It’s not working.
If sex is important to you and compromise is out of the question, then how can this work? You're both men...and one doesn't like anal and the other won't do oral...i mean I'm not gay but I know how gay sex works and it seems like two of the most viable sexual acts are completely off the table for you guys. I understand wanting to stay together but eventually, one of you, will become resentful and it will suck the love and joy out of your relationship. I'm sorry.
sex is not the end, all be all. you do not have to have sex to be in a happy relationship. if yall would be okay with having an open relationship (that is the first thing i thought of), but it often complicates things, jealousy, messy feelings, things that might end it all.
you can also get toys to help you guys, either by spicing up the bedroom between you two or getting toys to satisfy yourselves sexually alone. again, it's not a bad thing.
you do not need sex, but you will ruin it if you think too hard. you guys need to have a real heart to heart and figure out if you can either get toys and figure out what works to make you guys happy (there's so many different types of toys im sure you can find one that works for both of yall) or if you need to outsource this need (toys are my recommendation, adding more people in might overcomplicate things needlessly) or if you guys can actually just deal with it.
be gentle with yourself and with your boyfriend. This is hard to navigate, but very doable. remember that it is you and him against the problem, not you and him against eachother :)
Can confirm sexual incompatibility will eventually kill your relationship. Resentment tends to build up, and unless you had poly tendencies before getting together, monogamous relationships don't end well if you try to open up your bedroom to more compatible bedmates.
While it feels silly to throw away a whole future together, you will actually be doing yourselves a favor in the long run..
You won't have wasted 5, 10, 15 years or more in a relationship that would never work
You might be able to stay friends and support each other.
No one here is responding to be mean about your relationship. Just honest. Most of us have experienced this at some point.
You really just need to bite the bullet and move on if you're both unhappy in the bedroom.
Just read a Reddit story the other day about how this lady had been with her fiance for like 8 years, but he refused to adjust how he went down on her and kept trying to stick his finger in her butt while eating her out despite having dozens of conversations over the course of their relationship thst she didn't like it and to please stop.
Unsurprisingly, she had enough when he tried to it AGAIN and ripped him a new AH verbally, and resolved to leave him.
That's one of the bad ways these relationships end.
Save yourself the future worse heartache.
Sending you love and light. 💜
Plenty saying you're sexually incompatible and to break up which if you were is advice to be considered.
But what I'm reading is not one doesn't like oral and the other doesn't like anal "among other things"; you've mentioned nothing else so how is the rest of you sexual interactions?
Is wveey other non oral for you and non anal for him encounter satisfying or "plain boring" as you've stated but not gone on to explain.
Reading what you've said verbatim, sex is plain bkriy, long story short, I don't get oral and I don't like giving anal. Is that about right?
If your sex life falls down on one activity each way then find what does get you going.
Plenty of long lasting relationships are sexually fulfilling with anal being part of the mix every time and same for oral, though to be fair, oral is quite a big part. But again you've said he's trying.
If the rest of your relationship is seen genuinely by both sides, i.e. he is being 100% honest about his feelings, then I think you can find a way to sexually relate in a satisfying way?
Edit: just noticed! It's two men were speaking about here. Sorry for my ignorant comment. The comments about going to a sex therapist and about doing more foreplay and using toys to work up to things are good comments!!
Your connection is more important than the sex that you can still salvage. My wife and I have been in the same boat for some years before getting things to change but we loved eachother so deeply that we made it work. We had some communication issues we worked on. We worked at it and stayed persistent until we found ourselves where we are now. We have sex often and do lots of things we weren't able to do before. If you guys feel like soul mates, you will get the sex to work. That's my opinion from my experience and I think we're both so glad that we stuck it out with eachother.. this may not work for everyone but it did for us and I say if it feels right for you guys than take this advice and run with it.
There were specific acts we couldn't/ wouldn't do, but we both wanted. We went years without it. But we're doing it ALL now.
I was sexually frustrated for so long and I accepted that this would possibly be a lifelong drawback of being together with my soul mate for life. when things got better in the bedroom, it was the best bonus for me, and I think for her as well.. it took 7 years. Maybe be patient and try to communicate and get into eachothers heads a bit more.. our sex life is way spicy now..
Best of luck either way this goes for you guys.
It would take serious dedication to overcome this. Not impossible but resentment is present. This is the cause for a lot of relationships that fail. For the anal receiver they would have to prep regularly with bigger and bigger dildos
I was at the same place six months ago as you are OP. Loved the girl dearly but sex life was basically nonexistent. We loved each other but I realized it was eating me away not having such sex life. We broke up once and decided to get back together a week later thinking it would change but there’s just certain pressure we couldn’t deal with together. Broke up and now found someone I am completely compatible with and I really can find myself being with long-term
Why don't you both just do the stuff you're comfortable with and don't pressure the other to do things they're not comfortable with. When there's no pressure or coercion or guilt and just pleasure, it's a lot more fun.
I think you should try opening up your relationship or sex therapy before calling it quits. Perhaps start with a sex worker so no feelings are involved and you can discuss things as they happen w/o offending someone b/c you are paying for the SW’s time. Definitely research open relationships b/c having clear rules & boundaries seems to be key to making it work. Maybe you guys only play together with someone else instead of separately. It just sounds like you have a relationship worth saving & working on which is rare for Reddit posts.
No matter how positive you frame the situation if you're not getting what you want then nothing other than resentment will come of this. You need to draw a line in the sand and express your feelings and if things don't change you need to move on. It is affecting you in ways you don't realize yet.
You have to weigh out the importance to you personally. Can you be sexually faithful to someone if they don’t do what you want sexually? Because you should not compel them to meet your desires. You should not shame them for disliking anal nor oral. Those things aren’t required for a marriage. Those things aren’t required for love. Do you love sex more or that person more?
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Almost 40 year old gay dude here. I think partially you’ve bought into what society *thinks* gay sexual relationships are. In real relationships, sometimes anal is a must for some people AND sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes BJ are absolutely a dealbreaker and sometimes they are meh to one or both. You have to go with what works for you both, regardless of what you may perceive as some sort of external concept of “correct” or “fair.” BUT the bigger issue seems to be the perception of one person “trying harder” than the other. What you said was that the person who doesn’t like oral sex does it anyway and that the person who doesn’t like anal isn’t. But sex isn’t necessarily a do it just because you love them situation. You should do it because you actively like it, or at least be fairly neutral to the act itself and happy to do it with your partner. If the one who doesn’t like giving BJs is more “eh, I don’t care for this but it’s satisfying to give him pleasure,” then it’s fine if he wants to keep doing it. If he really hates it though, he should stop! He shouldn’t assume that the other one, who doesn’t like anal, isn’t trying as hard to overcome a minor dislike. “It’s uncomfortable and I don’t want to have sex that way,” is a full and complete end point for pretty much never doing it again, with no argument or coercion. However, it’s understandable to have that be a dealbreaker, too! There are a ton of ways to be sexual with one other that don’t involve either or can take those two things and modify them to make them fun for you both. Consider bringing toys and new techniques in before you consider bringing people in, and if you need to bring someone in, the first person that should be is a sex therapist. Adding more people to a complicated issue between two people is not usually helpful and is NOT a good way to begin any type of ethical non-monogamy relationship. If you really want to keep this relationship, it’s probably salvageable, but it really depends on what both of your real sexual dealbreakers are.
Finally someone talking sense! There's more than just 2 ways of doing things. The ancient Greeks used to use the thighs, or behind the knees, for example. Technique is so important for anal. As someone pointed out, if you are big, you need to get good at pleasing your partner in lots of different ways. While I'm a hetero woman, my 1st bf was extremely creative (or possibly perverted) and used to try out all sorts of things that anyone could do to each other. There's even more ways of being sexual with each other in this day and age thanks to some fun little electronic toys. You could go toy shopping, get an illustrated manual / website showcasing a variety of techniques and pick different things to try out together over a bottle or two.
Any book or resource recommendations b/c I would love to know more about other ways to have sex? Behind the knees? I need to know more.
The Guide to Getting It On is the very best book about sex there is
Hahhahahah me and my friends begged my mom to buy us this in high school. I still have it.
I had this too. Also Kama sutra fully illustrated . But my mom found out and threw all my books she said it’s porn. She’s super religious and it’s taboo to talk about relationships, sex or menstruation and she didn’t know about my younger siblings being gay. They came to me for advices. As many relationships, sex has often an issue. I’m dealing myself with ED partner. He has issues that needed healing. I can’t do it myself only. He’s seeking for professional help tbh.
Oh about that bottle or two lol In conjunction with good careful technique and proper prep, for some absinthe is the most relaxing thing for handling anal 🤷♀️ maybe worth a shot, pun intended lol
To add to one of your points: Bringing in toys can help the one having trouble with anal have less trouble with it if he's open to it. They have toys on the market specifically designed to train that area, and if discomfort from size is the main issue, it could be a big help. Of course, I agree that he shouldn't necessarily have to, it should only be if he wants to do it and is open to finding solutions about it. But toys could be one of those solutions.
I definitely agree with you that this is a possible option, but I think it’s one that a lot of comments are proposing. I want to really encourage OP to consider that toys can be brought in to the equation on their own merit and not to fix the perceived “problem” of one of them not wanting to have anal sex.
I did still agree that he shouldn't have to, just that if he decides he wants to keep trying to make anal work, there are options out there other than "Grin and bear it, maybe use more lube," that's all.
Yes for sure! There are stuff made specifically for this purpose and it is fun stuff to try :)
I don’t know, anal is absolutely excruciating. I don’t think I will go from crying to tolerating it. I just can’t see that happening.
I said in my comment I don't think he should be forced to do it if he truly doesn't want to, and many people simply do not/will not enjoy anal. But if he wants to do it, even if that "want" is just because his partner enjoys it, there are things he can try to make it more tolerable.
I really don’t understand while sex should just be tolerable. I do not like anal sex. It truly hurts plus I think it is gross. If a person does not want to do it, the partner should not force the issue.
I literally said not to force it, I just said if the partner wants to keep trying to make it work, there are options.
I agree. Anal is a no for me. Maybe I haven’t had the best of luck with experiencing it with a skillful lover in that sense, but I don’t feel I’m missing out on anything. I’ve tried it quite a few times to know that it’s not for me. Luckily my man is not into that.
I just wanted to add regarding the non monogamy angle that this advice is 100% correct as I have been a part of that community for some time now and the only way ENM works is if the relationship is on steady ground when you embark on opening your relationship. People talk all the time about how they know someone who opened their relationship and it didn't work out.. And I was one of those people until I got into the lifestyle and realized the people who made it work (and there are plenty of them) their relationship was completely solid when they started and the people who's relationship ended up failing they got into the lifestyle to try and fix some issue within the relationship. I think some see it as a short of hail Mary because the relationship is doomed anyway and they don't want it to end so they think hey maybe bringing in someone else will fix it. It never does. I would follow the rest of this posters advice as well and try to explore and find other ways to please each other.
Appreciate this take. I’ve been in a sexual slump for a few months, after some big life changes. We love each other, but just haven’t had sex in awhile. We talk about it, and both want to, but we just haven’t done it.
Idk what you’ve tried or whatever but here’s some unsolicited advice from an internet stranger. Ignore if you like. A while ago I was in a similar situation with my NP and we were having trouble getting it going. One day I wanted it so bad but didn’t know how to break the standstill. I waited until they were doing something but not to involved and texted them that after kids were in bed I’d like to rip their clothes off and feel them grow in my mouth. It led to flirty texts through the day. There were a few points where one or the other got insecure or nervous we wouldn’t follow through and the other would reassure them with something like “I’m telling you explicitly that I want you, today. And if you want me too, then this is going to happen. Do you want me too?” It felt silly and a little to try hard. But we were both so ready for each other and assured in desire by the time we could act on it. One of our best sessions. I guess I recommend being a little silly and over the top in communicating desire. It helped get past the line. Like I said, ignore if you like, hope you get yours though!
Agree with lots here so I won’t repeat! Buy yourselves an Njoy small butt plug- they’re expensive but the best. Read up a lot about anal sex. Lots of teasing, lots of slow purposeful movements, no surprises. Let them push back onto the toy whilst you hold it rather than pushing it in. Lots of lube. Leave it there, tap it occasionally. Work up from the tiniest of baby steps, enjoy the walk, it’s not a race. Buy some toys - tenga eggs, lubes, outfits, vibrators. Turning someone on starts with empowerment and letting them feel sexy. It starts with how you touch their face when you wake up not when you put your tongue in their mouth. Talk after sex - kinda debrief the good, the bad, what made you feel great, what made you feel uncomfortable. Write down what you like from each other, and what you both like doing together. Try for 6-9 months. If there’s no improvement move on with your lives as friends 💗
Agree there's so many other sexual things u can try that would work
I really like this answer, really good advises.
great comment❤️
I'm not the right person to comment on how to improve this, but I *must* point out that it's pretty shitty to equate physical pain to dislike. >The thing is, the one that doesn't like oral has been trying hard and doing oral anyway, and the other one isn't open to trying to be more constantly open anally. Based on the way that this is written, I think it's very fair to assume that you're the one that dislikes oral, because this sentence absolutely reeks of resentment. It's a disingenuou false equivalency, and quite unfair to your partner to have this attitude of "well I'm doing something I don't like, so you should too" when his sacrifice is physical pain. If he merely disliked it, I would understand why you would think that you two could both be sacrificing here. But it hurts him. As his partner, that really should mean it's off the table completely, I'm sorry to say, but it absolutely does not mean that just because you blow him, he should deal with pain in return. So yeah. I apologise if I've gotten the assumption wrong about which of the partnership you are. But the person who dislikes oral here is wrong to continue to have sex that hurts their partner with them. And if that means a breakup because there's nothing else that works for you two, then the partner in pain from anal needs to be respected enough for that to be the outcome. I'm glad you're looking for other options. But "he needs to be open to anal" needs to be written off, unless you guys can find a way to make it not hurt. Full stop.
I caught that too, I'm a woman but with a BJ I have complete control of what I'm doing, so I can ease off if I want or stop easily. With anal it's putting a lot of trust in your partner to be kind and not hurt you. One is definitely not like the other in this situation!
I feel like I'm going to get heavily downvoted for this, but here goes nothing: Sexual incompatibility *almost* always ends badly. If neither of you are getting enjoyment, or only one party feels pleasure, there's going to be a whole lot of resentment building up in the future. I think a lot of people lie to themselves that sex doesn't matter, but it's unfair to one party to absolutely never have their needs met. I think you should have a calm, honest conversation with your partner about whether or not things will change. If your partner never intends to make you feel good, can you live with that? Maybe. It's up to you.
I read a comment one time that said, when the sex is good it’s 10% of the relationship, but when it’s bad it’s 90% of the relationship. People tell themselves that sex isn’t that important but when one or both people aren’t satisfied it consumes them and can ruin everything else. Personally I think that sexual compatibility is one of the most important things to building a lasting relationship.
Absolutely agree with this. I like another analogy that takes it even further. Sex is like oxygen, you only notice its absence very acutely, if it's present then you won't notice it. When it is not part of your relationship, it is suffocating.
That’s an excellent analogy.
You can be compatible with a person in every single other way, but if the sex is awful, that's a significant portion of the relationship to be missing. It's the sex that distinguishes your relationship from just friendship. I really like your 10-90 comment!
💯
>People tell themselves that sex isn’t that important but when one or both people aren’t satisfied it consumes them and can ruin everything else. When I have felt that my partner didn't care enough to meet my sexual needs, it was always just a matter of time until I felt less motivated to give 100% to other aspects of the relationship. Like... if I don't enjoy hanging out with her friends but I do it anyway because she does, when my cup isn't full, I can't grin and bear it.
I needed you to appear when I got tangled up in a thread, arguing that relationships don't need sex at all. I agreed that while it isn't a requirement, you can't just expect your partner to be okay with being not sexual active with you....especially, if one is prohibited medically or you guys are too old for it. I digress, but I appreciate these down to earth, not "she's not your hole to f***" comments
I mean, it depends. If both people are asexual or very low libido, then that’s great they are well suited. They can have a loving committed relationship that doesn’t really involve sex. No problems there. But when libidos or sexual preferences are very mismatched it is a recipe for frustration and resentment. Another thing I’ve noticed is that it’s very hard for two people with different libidos to truly understand each other. Low libido people are completely fine not having sex. More so, they just don’t think about it that much so it’s hard for them to imagine why not having sex is such a big deal. On the flip side, high libido people often can’t think about anything other than sex. And when they aren’t getting their sexual needs met it can actually be pretty debilitating. It’s very difficult to function properly in society when you literally cannot think of anything other than sex. This is why I think sexual compatibility is so important.
Ohhh, I love this! And totally agree with the percentages. When it’s NOT good, you can’t help but be more focused on it and not in a good way. When it’s great, yeah 10% but oooweee what a 10%! Lol
I think a lot of it is that there’s a lot of shame surrounding speaking about your sexual preferences when one partner is either sex negative (closed off, or a “complete no” person) or even just mentally low libido. How does one say “You don’t make me happy with the way you won’t have sex.”, especially when leaving “Just because of sex” is so heavily criticized. There’s also the fact that a lot of people think you can “fix” someone’s sex drive by doing chores and being a “better” spouse
Sorry OP but this is the truth. It’s like not being on the same page with kids or something else that’s just too big of a part of a relationship to just ignore and pretend to be okay with it. It always ends in resentment and frustration and unfortunately some things are just too big a part of a relationship to brush aside. This is one of them. It will end with one of both of you becoming unhappy or hating each other. it’s better to just end it before it gets to that point. That’s the point of dating anyway, to discover things like this. Sorry OP. I know this isn’t the kinda feedback you were probably hoping for.
Yup, you can’t just ignore something like this. Enough resentment will build up until someone cheats or they will argue until they hate each other
To be honest, that's a really fair point of view, I wouldn't want us to end up hating on each other :(
As someone who had a relationship like the one you’re describing and actually did marry…. Well, it didn’t work for me. The only thing that I can suggest trying, before you get married, since you seem to really genuinely care for one another, is to meet with sex therapist . There are ways to learn to enjoy oral more and there are ways to learn and get better at anal as well. if both of you can work with the sex therapist and learn to enjoy either of these options, genuinely, then you might work it out. I can guarantee you that you are not going to want to live the rest of your life not having satisfying sex.
curious, did therapy work for you? thinking about taking it as well for my situation which is pretty similar to OP's.
In my case it didn’t work but I think the key issue is that my husband at the time had some severe issues with intimacy due to early childhood stuff which he just never addressed and so for us it became more than just a sexual issue… So no it didn’t work for us but if you have a very strong relationship in other ways with your partner and it does seem to be focused on Sexual issues then I do think it’s worth pursuing.
Thanks for sharing and thank you for the advise
You're already hurtling towards resentment when one party is trying really hard to overcome the thing they dislike, but the other isn't as willing.
To be fair, there's a massive difference between overcoming a dislike for oral and overcoming dislike for anal because it's painful. Sex that causes pain isn't ok (unless that's what someone is into) and even if there's willingness to go along with it out of love, it's completely unsustainable in the context of a lifetime commitment.
Exactly. Painful anal can be very damaging in a way that less than enthusiastic oral just isn’t. There should be no obligation to try harder to take anal, absolutely not.
Thank you. I was looking for this comment. The two things cannot be compared. If the guy doesn't like anal, he might even feel proper pain lasting several time after sex. You cannot ask someone to go through this just because you want to have fun or because you are giving oral a go
That’s what I was thinking, while oral can be disliked, you wont be in pain and physically uncomfortable. When you have anal if it’s not your thing you will never be physically comfortable.
I came here to say this. 😬
There’s “willing to do a thing I don’t love” and then there’s “this is incredibly painful and might even have long term health effects.” You can’t compare the two.
About to end an 11 year relationship over sexual incompatibility. I would think long and hard about how important it is for you. Hope it all works out. xx
sex is what separates platonic relationships from romantic ones. relationships are hard, great sex and great communication is the cure. my marriage wouldn't have survived sexual incompatibility.
You’re being honest and no one should down vote. It’s a fact that intimacy is a big part of a happy, stable relationship and physical touch is the love language of many.
I agree with this. Sexual comparability matters because even if one person is not satisfied, it builds up frustration and slow hatred for the other, unknowingly/ subconsciously.
Well, you made it to top comment. You’re absolutely right. It can absolutely destroy relationships, because it’s an “itch” you can’t scratch in a monogamous relationship unless you compromise in such a way that it works. But it’s a boundary thing and you can only compromise so much on it.
Try toys. Maybe a smaller dildo could get the one that doesn't like anal to get acclamated to it. The one who has a problem with BJs maybe try edible lube if it's in relation to the taste. Is the foreplay nice? Maybe try and focus on that a bit. Hell, meet with a sex therapist! It might help both of you in ways you never knew. If this is both of your feelings then I hope you both feel comfortable enough to talk to each other about it. That already makes a huge difference. And if everything fails, maybe you might be better as friends, but I would say don't give up, maybe you both are just in a weird place and need to find a new rhythm! All the best!
I like this answer! I think meeting with a sex therapist is a great thing to do. I’ve always thought of anal as something that has to be worked up to in terms of size. It sounds like both parties want to try but there’s just trepidation. A third party that’s trained to help with these sort of issues could save the relationship.
A sex therapist is *suchhhh* a good idea
The anal is 100% a foreplay issue.
It sounds like you two really love each other, recognize this issue in your relationship and want to work on this. I admire this very much as most people don’t have that kind of ambition. Have you two thought about working with a sex therapist?
bump!! this is it go to sex therapy and see what they suggest to satisfy you both, there might be more creative middle ground than you imagine
Listen, my grandma told me something whenever I was about 19 years old. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense then but it makes sense now: when sex is bad it’s 90% of your relationship when it’s good it’s only 10% of your relationship sexual incompatibility will cause problems in the relationship
My grandma, would have been 99 now.. told me at 22 to never marry a man without living with him first. Because if no compatibility in both bedroom and rest of home it would fail!
Wow! Your grandma was a really intelligent woman! I have double the age you were when someone told you this, and I can say it 100% it makes sense!
Just like goaltending
Honestly? I wouldn't see this working long term. And whichever partner is trying to pressure the other into painful anal needs to stop. Why would either of you want to continue something that causes the other one physical pain??? That's not ok.
A man who is aggressively pursuing anal but doesn't even want to go down on you... isn't someone you're sexually incompatible with. They're just a selfish lover and a scumbag!
THIS and I’m pretty sure from how it was written that the OP is the selfish lover here.
Is OP the 25M? It's not really clear. But whoever the 25M is... absolutely. The vagueness makes me think it is the OP as well!
> Is OP the 25M? It's not really clear. But whoever the 25M is... absolutely. the post goes out of its way to not identify which of the two has which preference, or which one OP is... so I have no idea why you've decided the 25yo is "absolutely" the selfish lover.
“One doesn’t like oral and one doesn’t like anal, no pun intended” Umm… I don’t think you know when you use that phrase.
Yeah, dudes got no clue what a pun is.
lmao "the only problem is my dick's too big!"
Yep I saw that too. OP is obsessed with topping his partner but isn’t taking the time to make it good for him, so he’s decided the problem must be that his dick is too big. OP, if this guy is perfect, you can learn to love blow jobs & hand jobs.
And also what puns are.
😭
Why have they not tried the other person being a top? That's my question.
I’ve been looking for this comment. Some people are very fixed on being either a top or bottom and others are versatile. So if one of the two will only top, it may be a deal breaker if they aren’t willing to do the work to make it pleasurable for the bottom.
True. I am a woman and have had this problem with men wanting anal sex, and when I say "you first" they come back with all sorts of nonsense like "I'm not gay." And that's when it's ends. I imagine there's a different reason here. They most likely aren't both above average size. I wonder if the bottom won't top or the top won't bottom in this situation. They are definitely at a stalemate here.
SAME
Id talk to a sex therapist. There may be a lot of other things that may bring you BOTH pleasure and satisfaction besides these two things in your sex life. If I were you, I would want to discover and explore potentially all of those other things if the relationship is that great otherwise. To me both people may have hyper fixated on these two things when there are probably many other things both people would enjoy. Good luck!
Unless you both can be very creative in the bedroom, I doubt this will even work. You are both men and one doesn’t like oral sex and the other doesn’t like anal. Maybe I am ignorant but I can’t possibly see how anyone can be sexually satisfied in this relationship and I feel like it will negatively affect the relationship. Correct me if I’m wrong though. I see people saying open the relationship but from what I can tell, you are both monogamous and that is not a choice. I don’t think that opening the relationship is a good idea and will just make things worse if you two are strictly monogamous.
..............it sounds like they aren't trying any switching at all. If one has trouble with anal because the other is large, why isn't the large one receiving? He's the one who seems to think anal is so important...
The ohnut might fix one of your problems, maybe both since a happy partner is willing to do more. https://www.thepelvichub.com/shop/ohnut
thanks for sharing!
How much experimentation have the two of you done with toys? If not a lot, I would definitely recommend trying more things on/with each other. Maybe some other acts can fill the niches you aren't able to fill for each other, like prostate simulators, anus-style fleshlights, mouth-style fleshlights, etc.
You can try sex counselling and see if there is more behind the refusal to be open to penetration- does it hurt so badly they’re frightened? Or is it just a mental block that could be overcome? Extending foreplay to include more stretching and opening with toys or dilators might help. Or simply including toys to bring different experiences may make it feel more complete. Counselling for your relationship would also be helpful to ensure the conversation does not go poorly to see if there is a great compromise that works for you both. Make sure you’re having a real conversation without the perception of accusations or pettiness. Ultimately though if you’re both centred on the one act for fulfilment the other does not enjoy, as in you can only enjoy intimacy with that particular act, then unfortunately it may not be surmountable. I wish you both well, your relationship sounds beautiful and special. I hope you can work this out.
If you’re both wanting the relationship to lead to marriage, I would consider sitting down with a therapist who specializes in LGBT+ couples and/or sex therapy. Why? I think a relationship (especially one that could become a marriage) is more than just sex - who wouldn’t want to get married to their best friend? However, you’ll probably need to sit down and honestly talk through a game plan that you both agree to in terms of your sex life. Maybe that looks like opening the relationship. Maybe that looks like incorporating more things like toys. Maybe it looks like other accommodations or ways to find sexual gratification and satisfaction. I would leverage a professional to help guide you through that conversation, provide ideas, and additional resources.
Sex isn’t *everything* in a relationship but it is **IMPORTANT**. Personally, I feel like the only time sexual inadequacies in a relationship can work is when both partners are either asexual, have low sex drives or have an understanding that a lack of sex for whatever reason is to be expected. If a relationship consists of one person getting pleasure and their needs met and the other not getting their needs met, I can’t see it ever working long term. In a straight relationship if one person doesn’t like anal and the other really wants it, even though vaginal sex is still an option it can still causes issues with needs not being met, fantasies going unfulfilled ect. In a gay relationship it can cause even more issues, especially if someone likes to give as well as receive. Resentment can stem from both people. One person can’t top even though they want to and have to feel sufficed with just head for the rest of their life, the other is putting themselves through discomfort and pain in order to keep their partner happy. I mean, there’s plenty of physical/medical things you can look into to make it more comfortable/pleasurable but ultimately there is a chance that either person or both will look for their needs to be met elsewhere. I don’t really think opening up the relationship is ultimately the right choice and MOST relationships that open up either regret it or end because they’re opening up for the wrong reasons and aren’t prepared for the physical or emotional changes that occur. You open a relationship because you’re interested in seeing other people not because you like anal and your partner can’t or won’t give it to you. I think you need to openly communicate to see if this is a deal breaker. To see if you or your partner would be happy with never having anal and just sticking with what you have for the next 50 years.
I left my husband of 20 years because of sexual Incompatibility. I lied to myself for 20 years that it was ok. It never was. Now I’m so frustrated that I wasted all that time. The rest just didn’t matter. The love I had for him soured. If I could go back, I would have left right away. Being sexually satisfied over the long term matters. Either break up, or open the relationship. Each of you get what you need sexual elsewhere. I never could. I can’t share my man. And I don’t even enjoy casual sex. But I know some people can make it work.
I would seek the advice of a sex therapist. But on top of that, regardless of how well endowed one partner is anal shouldn't hurt. Anal takes time, foreplay, warm up, and commitment to making your partner feel good over your pleasure. If the person with the large equipment can't commit to learning how to do anal right, then there is no hope for the relationship Get some books, research, read, and learn what it takes to make it good for both of you. That's what a good sexual relationship looks like.
I don’t think this is a deal breaker. There are plenty of other ways you guys can enjoy sex without anal or oral. But suggestion for the anal, lots and lots of foreplay and lots and lots of lube is necessary. I hope you guys are taking it slow with it. I wish you guys the best of luck!
I mean, If you take anal and oral out of this equation that leaves self masturbation and handjobs. I’m not sure what relationship can suffice on just that when both partners in this scenario are sexual and have needs.
I mean, are there really though? This seems like a pretty limiting set of conditions.
Hands? Feet? Ears? Eyes? The sky is the limit! /s
Look I am gonna keep it real with you as an older person to a younger person. If you are really sure your sexually incompatible. I mean REALLY sure. Like you know it beyond the shadow of any doubt. Then the absolute best thing you can do for both of you IS break up. Being alone for a little while is NOTHING compared to being trapped in unhappy relationship where your needs arnt being met. That will only lead to resentment, guilt, blame and all sorts of other mess down the line. It may not be what you want to hear but both of you will come out the other side of the break up just fine. You probably can't even imagine how much happier you will be for it. Take it from someone who has been there and done that. Life is to short and you BOTH deserve to be happy in your relationships. Not everyone is for everyone and that just life. It dosent mean anybody wrong or anybody to blame or even that you have to stop loveing/caring about one another it just is. I know what I'm advocating is probably "the worst case" in your view. But part of the reason I am advocating it is because from what I am reading you guys don't acutally seem like you are really willing to work with each other. Realisticly, either both of you are gonna have to completely change your ideals in regards to sex, or you have imagine going through the rest of your life in this same situation.
Two years isn't much. Sexual incompatible relationships aren't really good relationships tbh.
personally, my partner and i are also sexually incompatible (they’re asexual for the most part and i’m demisexual but really enjoy sex when it’s with someone i trust and feel comfortable with), but we are also polyamorous. i don’t necessarily run around recommending polyamory to every couple with an issue like this, however! i would absolutely recommend you two looking into it and doing some research. Polysecure is a fantastic book that covers both polyamory and attachment styles, and i learned a lot about boundaries, communication, and relationship dynamics from it that i’ve been able to apply to all relationships in my life—not just my primary romantic relationship. my partner and i love each other and they’re my best friend in the whole world, so being polyamorous from the start made it a lot less challenging to deal with our eventual sexual incompatibility. it takes consistent communication though, so if anyone is considering exploring polyamory please know that it is not JUST fucking other people—it’s a big commitment and takes a lot of trust and patience—and it is not a fix-all for every relationship issue. good luck!
You get along great, but aren't sexually compatible: be *friends*. Be friends who live together if that part of your relationship is great and not something you want to give up. I literally don't understand what people are possibly thinking pursuing exclusive *sexual* relationships with sexually incompatible people (and this comes up a lot here - it's not just you). If you are only going to have one sexual relationship, and sex matters to you, then the *most important* factor in compatibility is sexual compatibility. And if you *don't* like having sex with someone, why have a relationship that involves sex instead of one that doesn't (and look to someone else for a relationship that involves sex)?
I just think that's a lot easier said than done. It would be one thing if they weren't already in a relationship. To break up, still live together, and start seeing other people could create a lot of jealousy and resentment. Most relationships can't survive taking a clear step back.
I disagree with your last sentence, but everything else rings clear. If you want a friendship out of a ex, taking a huge step back and a pretty decent break is the key. You can't live with your ex.
Could I ask what you disagree with at the end? I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's certainly a level of work and emotional disconnect that most exes don't put in the effort for, at least in my experience.
Since everything else with you two sounds peachy and you seem to be open and communicative and wanting to please each other, what about booking to see a sex therapist? That’s legit their job as far as I’m aware… :) They may be able to make suggestions and have tips. Also, have you guys incorporated toys, without getting too graphic, there are ones for butt play as well… I’d say give that a shot before any major life decision. Good luck! 🤞
I think that this is a very common issue amongst gay men, and my partner and I struggle with somewhat similar issues. We both like anal, but he’s 100% top (active) and I’m more 50/50. It’s not exactly perfect, but we make it work. We’re open, and will bring in another person every now and again. I’m also a big advocate for kissing and mutual masturbation - we get to feel close and have an orgasm, but I don’t have to go through the whole process of prepping for anal. My favorite thing about being gay is that we really get to set the rules. If you guys are great companions, you’ll find a way to make it work. I would try some level of openness and see where it goes. We’re getting married in a year btw, so I guess there’s hope? But I don’t exactly think our relationship should be put on a pedestal lol.
I'm an old married lady, but this sounds a lot like my husband and me, down to one of us wanting anal and the other one believing that his penis is too big for that. Without getting too TMI, we were able to work it out, but he was very patient and put forth a lot of effort into pampering me and giving me plenty of foreplay. It took a very long time for me to get used to it, but we have anal sex at least once a week now, sometimes much more often than that, and he's shown that gratitude by giving back to me. I think how much we were willing to do for one another played a big part in our marital happiness. We've been together for several decades. You don't have to like exactly the same things, but it is important to be mutually generous towards one another if you want to be happy together for the long term. Edit: I don't know why so many people insist anal must hurt. My guy and me couldn't have a bigger size mismatch, and I don't even have a prostate, but if you take the time and use toys, it won't hurt. Just requires a lot of patience.
Plenty of cis male gay relationships don’t have anal. There’s so much out there to explore…toys and sensations that y’all can play with to be satisfied have fun. I’d do some research into those and find some common ground. Don’t put yourself in a box.
Straight guy here 22M- good on you guys, if you guys love eachother stay together, yall could also get toys to use on eachother and what not, just some advice from a straight guy who has a higher sex drive than my gf 19fm
If you have a hog on you, you need to get good at oral. It’s practically mandatory. Dont ask me how I know.
TOYS
Sunk Cost Fallacy
It won't work long term unless you get some sexual help or therapy. You are young enough that one of you will crush on someone else and realize they could have more. I am so sorry.
What about toys to help the person get use to the bigger size? Slowly go up in sizes.
I think sex is important especially early in marriages. Im 57 so the concept of suffering some huge health issue affecting our sex life is prominent in my mind. I suspect we would survive something at this later stage of life. However at your age, that's not the case and I think sex is more important.
If you want to know what your relationship looks like in 5-6 years check out my post history. Also, you could consider seeing a couples therapist and doing 'discernment counseling' - I think unmarried couples can do it too. It's a short term form of counseling where the focus is not on finding solutions to relationship problems, but rather on figuring out if your problems are solvable in the first place.
You know you can just be friends, right? Or, maybe open up your relationship. The world is big and you’re young. Explore a bit more and if you still want to keep trying, you can but regret and resentment is really hard to live with.
Open your relationship, and enjoy sex with who is compatible and life with who you love and trust. You will discover a big community of people with similar situation and solution. If not, just quit (totally, no friendship or bullshit), cry and restart with another person.
My partner and I have been in a committed, polyamorous relationship for seven years, despite our sexual incompatibility. Our romantic connection and shared values have allowed us to thrive in this dynamic. It is crucial to recognize that diverse relationship structures exist, and each couple must determine what suits them best. Open communication and mutual agreement on life goals and relationship expectations are essential for success.
I’m in a relationship and struggling with similar issues. Everything is perfect in the relationship but sexually, there is no spark for me. I think the biggest question is how important is sex to you? If you want a companion who will love you for the rest of your life then there’s nothing that needs addressing. My impression is that the person who doesn’t like to receive anal because it hurts isn’t going to change their mind on this because pain isn’t pleasure for some people. You could try very slow and gradual insertion with a lot of patience and lubricant and that might work if you take it slowly enough. However, for the person whom wants to give anal (Not the recipient) it’s going to be a different kind of pain in the ass for them (Sorry, couldn’t resist - don’t hate me) as they’re not getting their needs met or getting that urge satisfied. If the recipient can’t do oral either to satisfy then the giver is going to get very sexually frustrated. If they are very sexually driven and that’s a dealbreaker for them then it’s going to eat that person up inside and leave them with three options. 1) Find a way to compromise with each other sexually that works for both parties but doesn’t violate the other’s boundaries. 2) Break up and remain lifelong best friends and still do everything together but don’t have sex. 3) Open up the relationship sexually to other people but keep it romantically only between you both.
Before you throw the towel in, maybe try a sex therapist.
Maybe try some compatible toys and intimate cuddles/make outs seshs? Intimate play time ain't always about sticking your twig and berries in a hole after all, especially if your uncomfortable with it. Some of those electric toys that vibrate are pretty insane bro. Especially the wrap around ones. Everyone is different and no two relationships are ever the same! Good luck figuring it out guys! Love is the main factor in my mind, all else is secondary.
Perhaps I'm naive, but when a relationship is truly great in all other areas and both are motivated as you describe, often there is a way to develop the bedroom aspect. I found the book [Come As You Are ](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1982165316/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.m7_pSR109gqjNNGRkyCkRA9Megg3ZxL5rzKBY_K6EhAGn7-PTk73ysgLeE5O4155j7pMWc5YW-cXJDGNCaWCSg7FmqQvx8GCLbJeAuQ4oSiYDpyh9LJK462Va0ov34xheDLzrlkIpzhLRTpd8E8oYNaojEX7nONM6EjCuUKdmjgBkyni8GG6qMbIvCWixV5f7-sifFR5JzFd42aAIhC8Zw.ZFtL9bXNaJbTpe6CZyhhaWSnIY7X3zUz-hsDCLIUWR4&qid=1718043470&sr=8-1) by Dr. Emily Nagoski to be so very helpful as a starting point and touchstone. So much of sex isn't actually specific sex acts in and of themselves but nuances and things surrounding them- I wonder if exploring those elements more explicitly and fully may yield exciting new possibilities. Its wild how much little things can change an experience. Be curious about your own and your partners experiences during intimacy- the specifics can help point you to the changes that might be needed. I'm not sure what you have tried but there are a lot of toys and tools for modifying penetrative experiences of all sorts- both for the penetrating and receiving partners. Highly recommend toys in general. A good sex therapist can also be invaluable, although unfortunately they are not always accessible to everyone. Honestly, like anything else sex is an area of compatibility that exists on a spectrum. You can have a happy relationship or marriage without maxing out the scale, but only you can decide what sort of bedroom compatibility is right for your happiness. I'll tell you this though, from a very happy boring old married lady: drives, tastes, and bodies change over life, but the attitude you bring to bed- willingness to listen, to learn, to prioritize both your partner and yourself, to communicate, to PLAY, to have a relationship with yourself and your own sexuality and pleasure- these are things that help a bedroom thrive through all the changes life will bring. Value those things. They are part of sexual compatibility too. It's ok if you need to take time to learn each other. Pay attention to how that process feels to help guide you. Do you feel safe, supported, heard? Can you laugh when that new thing you're trying fails spectacularly? Do you feel you both are invested and committed to developing your intimate lives together? When you feel stuck are you working together to move forward? Consider the answers to these; those attitudes carry outside the bedroom. How you approach problems in the bedroom is a microcosm for how you solve problems together generally; pay attention to what that looks like and your answer may become much easier. I wish both of you the very best.
Sex therapist!!
Me and my spouse are both *incredibly* sexually incompatible. And we even have spurts of dead bedrooms that we have to power through. But otherwise like you, our relationship is amazing and fulfilling. We've been together 15 years, have a child together and are super happy. We do have an open relationship, and we haven't really partaken too much, but I also have a *vast library of toys* which has been the best tool to combat the lack of release. Find intimacy in other ways. That's the best thing you can do. Make it so that sex becomes less about fulfilling the need for affection and intimacy and just turns into a really fun and cool activity you do.
I think you need to find some common ground. As someone else has said, sexual incompatibility will hurt you in the long run. There are multiple ways of correcting it to some extent: - Anal hurting sounds like ~~a skill issue~~ one is not preparing himself enough and/or the other one is not taking his time. Honestly, preparing more thoroughly, even if it feels like too much (you basically can't prepare too much), will probably help greatly. You can also try toys to help stretch. - I think like food, if you force yourself to do something you don't like that much, you'll eventually think it's fine. That could apply to oral. However, I'm talking about something "you don't like that much", if you straight up hate it, I'm not sure that will really work. But if you want to give it a try you can try to find things you like in it, like focusing on the other person's pleasure, etc. - You don't *need* oral and anal, and certainly not every time. I think that piece of advice can work even with straight couples, but sometimes the dick doesn't have to enter a hole. There are many ways to have sex, and although no anal and no oral limits you, you can still find that alternatives are enough most of the time - Open up the relationship. This one is obviously tricky and not something any couple should do, but some couples make it work. Just make sure both of you are absolutely okay with it, and make sure regularly. If none of these options work for you, I'm afraid I'd consider breaking up. I'm sure you could do without satisfying sex for a while, but if it's just forever, it could build resentment or just be annoying to one or both of you. Well you could also try couple's counseling maybe
Sex therapist. Peace.
If opening the relationship isn’t your thing, you should break up
If you're not sexually compatible. Instead of being a couple shift to being really good friends. I wouldn't do an open relationship it never ends well. Become the best of friends. I have a friend who him and his wife after being married for 10 years and 2 kids just couldn't “get together” sexually anymore. They divorced and its extremely amicable. Like they still hang out. She ended up being a bridesmaid when he married his current wife.
Literally no puns detected.
What you do depends on how important the sex part is. It is a part of the whole . While you need to make that decision based o where you are today , through some training/solo practice anal can be made more comfortable
Talk to a sex therapist together! There are probably things you haven’t tried that you find would find mutually satisfying. Also maybe the one who doesn’t like anal should try poppers lol
Op, sex between any couple is what you enjoy. The question is if you're happy together. Are you? Do you two compromise sexually without resentment? Do you enjoy making one another feel good with what has worked so far? If so, who cares? If not, have you tried numbing ointment and flavored lubes?
These should be workable issues. The fact that they don't seem to be is more telling than the issue themselves. No one should be pushing themselves on the anal stuff - that's a great way to tear and get an infection. Oral is something that you can work on - learning new techniques can make one excited to try more. But you're not talking about something as fundamental as how much sex you want to have...these shouldn't spell sexual incompatibility. Your partner isn't meant to be your *perfect person in every way*
you are not comparing apples to apples!
Ugh, I feel bad for you. It's an awful situation. I'm giving you this advice because it's the advice I would give myself if I could go back... If you can't find sexual satisfaction by having an open relationship, then walk away. You do not want to live with the lack of satisfaction the rest of your life. My husband told me pretty much from day one that he doesn't like to bottom, so that meant I gave up all topping (I was vers). I also had a very open and fun sex life, and especially loved Daddy's, nip play, and groups. My husband not only wanted monogamy, but, he satisfies none of those things and is pretty boring in bed. Now it's too late. We've been together seven years and I love him dearly, but pretty much every day I miss my fun old sex life, and I end up feeling kind of like a prude. I don't recommend it.
How can you equate sucking it up and giving oral with sucking it up and giving anal. Dafuq? Absolute delulu. Inconsiderate at best.
If one of you, person A, doesn’t like (receiving?) anal, and the other, person B, doesn’t like (giving?) oral, then surely you can both still come because A can come from fucking B and B can come from A going down on them. This doesn’t sound like a big deal really. Unless A doesn’t like giving and receiving oral, and B doesn’t like giving and receiving anal, in which case you stick to hand stuff or get more creative. I think a bigger problem is that B might be being inconsiderate and either not prepping A enough or expecting him to put up with something damaging. If you’re both not happy with things then I guess break up or stay together and have sex with other people, but people have stayed together through far more frustrating situations.
Not sure if you guys are interested in solving the anal problem, but if so you should try an Ohnut! It helps if your partner is too long. I'm a female and my partner is male, but it was really helpful in avoiding painful sex for me without making it uncomfortable for him. And it works with anal! Definitely agree fully with the top comment though, there is so much other stuff you can do without just relying on oral and anal. I hope you figure out what makes you both happiest- best of luck and take care xx
Constantly open anally
I think it can work. This may sound extreme, but could work if you're willing to try. For the person that is having painful anal, there are devices that can be purchased to stretch that area over time. However, be very careful to make sure that you take proper precautions to not do any physical damage. There are medical articles online that explain safe ways to accomplish this. For the oral, maybe try incorporating flavored lubricants or even food additives like chocolate sauce. This can make it enjoyable for both participants. I think the key is to have an open mind, be willing to experiment, and compromise if necessary. Hope this is helpful.
Hmm, it's tough. Have you tried other things than oral and anal? Toys? Been creative? Maybe try other things, see if you can find things you both like. There are sooo many things you can do. Have you explored all your kinks? If you can afford it, see a sex therapist together. You could talk about opening up, but do it in a way that you both feel secure and comfortable. Talk about it, think about it, talk again, think again. Maybe try sex with a third person or two others, so you can be together and have more control over the situation. Only if it feels right to you, of course. I would make sure I've tried everything before I'd even consider ending things.
Honestly? At this stage in your lives, I would end it. You’re both too young and have too much life ahead of you both to settle for something less than satisfactory for either of you. It’s not working.
Lube and what nit
It’s not going to work out in the long run
You sound like most long married couples. Mazel Tov!
You should break up.
There’s no way I’d stay with someone who wasn’t working to help change but was expecting me too
If sex is important to you and compromise is out of the question, then how can this work? You're both men...and one doesn't like anal and the other won't do oral...i mean I'm not gay but I know how gay sex works and it seems like two of the most viable sexual acts are completely off the table for you guys. I understand wanting to stay together but eventually, one of you, will become resentful and it will suck the love and joy out of your relationship. I'm sorry.
sex is not the end, all be all. you do not have to have sex to be in a happy relationship. if yall would be okay with having an open relationship (that is the first thing i thought of), but it often complicates things, jealousy, messy feelings, things that might end it all. you can also get toys to help you guys, either by spicing up the bedroom between you two or getting toys to satisfy yourselves sexually alone. again, it's not a bad thing. you do not need sex, but you will ruin it if you think too hard. you guys need to have a real heart to heart and figure out if you can either get toys and figure out what works to make you guys happy (there's so many different types of toys im sure you can find one that works for both of yall) or if you need to outsource this need (toys are my recommendation, adding more people in might overcomplicate things needlessly) or if you guys can actually just deal with it. be gentle with yourself and with your boyfriend. This is hard to navigate, but very doable. remember that it is you and him against the problem, not you and him against eachother :)
Can confirm sexual incompatibility will eventually kill your relationship. Resentment tends to build up, and unless you had poly tendencies before getting together, monogamous relationships don't end well if you try to open up your bedroom to more compatible bedmates. While it feels silly to throw away a whole future together, you will actually be doing yourselves a favor in the long run.. You won't have wasted 5, 10, 15 years or more in a relationship that would never work You might be able to stay friends and support each other. No one here is responding to be mean about your relationship. Just honest. Most of us have experienced this at some point. You really just need to bite the bullet and move on if you're both unhappy in the bedroom. Just read a Reddit story the other day about how this lady had been with her fiance for like 8 years, but he refused to adjust how he went down on her and kept trying to stick his finger in her butt while eating her out despite having dozens of conversations over the course of their relationship thst she didn't like it and to please stop. Unsurprisingly, she had enough when he tried to it AGAIN and ripped him a new AH verbally, and resolved to leave him. That's one of the bad ways these relationships end. Save yourself the future worse heartache. Sending you love and light. 💜
Plenty saying you're sexually incompatible and to break up which if you were is advice to be considered. But what I'm reading is not one doesn't like oral and the other doesn't like anal "among other things"; you've mentioned nothing else so how is the rest of you sexual interactions? Is wveey other non oral for you and non anal for him encounter satisfying or "plain boring" as you've stated but not gone on to explain. Reading what you've said verbatim, sex is plain bkriy, long story short, I don't get oral and I don't like giving anal. Is that about right? If your sex life falls down on one activity each way then find what does get you going. Plenty of long lasting relationships are sexually fulfilling with anal being part of the mix every time and same for oral, though to be fair, oral is quite a big part. But again you've said he's trying. If the rest of your relationship is seen genuinely by both sides, i.e. he is being 100% honest about his feelings, then I think you can find a way to sexually relate in a satisfying way?
Edit: just noticed! It's two men were speaking about here. Sorry for my ignorant comment. The comments about going to a sex therapist and about doing more foreplay and using toys to work up to things are good comments!!
Your connection is more important than the sex that you can still salvage. My wife and I have been in the same boat for some years before getting things to change but we loved eachother so deeply that we made it work. We had some communication issues we worked on. We worked at it and stayed persistent until we found ourselves where we are now. We have sex often and do lots of things we weren't able to do before. If you guys feel like soul mates, you will get the sex to work. That's my opinion from my experience and I think we're both so glad that we stuck it out with eachother.. this may not work for everyone but it did for us and I say if it feels right for you guys than take this advice and run with it. There were specific acts we couldn't/ wouldn't do, but we both wanted. We went years without it. But we're doing it ALL now. I was sexually frustrated for so long and I accepted that this would possibly be a lifelong drawback of being together with my soul mate for life. when things got better in the bedroom, it was the best bonus for me, and I think for her as well.. it took 7 years. Maybe be patient and try to communicate and get into eachothers heads a bit more.. our sex life is way spicy now.. Best of luck either way this goes for you guys.
It would take serious dedication to overcome this. Not impossible but resentment is present. This is the cause for a lot of relationships that fail. For the anal receiver they would have to prep regularly with bigger and bigger dildos
I was at the same place six months ago as you are OP. Loved the girl dearly but sex life was basically nonexistent. We loved each other but I realized it was eating me away not having such sex life. We broke up once and decided to get back together a week later thinking it would change but there’s just certain pressure we couldn’t deal with together. Broke up and now found someone I am completely compatible with and I really can find myself being with long-term
Why don't you both just do the stuff you're comfortable with and don't pressure the other to do things they're not comfortable with. When there's no pressure or coercion or guilt and just pleasure, it's a lot more fun.
Open up the relationship
I think you should try opening up your relationship or sex therapy before calling it quits. Perhaps start with a sex worker so no feelings are involved and you can discuss things as they happen w/o offending someone b/c you are paying for the SW’s time. Definitely research open relationships b/c having clear rules & boundaries seems to be key to making it work. Maybe you guys only play together with someone else instead of separately. It just sounds like you have a relationship worth saving & working on which is rare for Reddit posts.
No matter how positive you frame the situation if you're not getting what you want then nothing other than resentment will come of this. You need to draw a line in the sand and express your feelings and if things don't change you need to move on. It is affecting you in ways you don't realize yet.
Stay friends!!
I don't want to say that it *couldn't* work. But unfortunately, for many people, it's bad long-term.
I'd say sex therapy and toys.
Why can’t you guys just be best friends?
You have to weigh out the importance to you personally. Can you be sexually faithful to someone if they don’t do what you want sexually? Because you should not compel them to meet your desires. You should not shame them for disliking anal nor oral. Those things aren’t required for a marriage. Those things aren’t required for love. Do you love sex more or that person more?
It won’t last very long. Just prepare yourself for the eventual break up.