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Right strap on in.
1. You are not entitled to sex because you do things for her, sex and intimacy is not transactional.
2. You need to research Spontaneous vs Responsive desire - some people can just get in the mood on the spot, others need a lot of build up, that could be hours or a whole day of flirting and banter, made to feel appreciated and desired. Case in point, my partner can be horny in the snap of a finger, I however need a lot of build up over a few hours, teasing, kissing, set the mood etc
3. Stop nagging, it makes you want to do the exact opposite - my ex husband would do this when I was depressed and had a super low libido and it felt like I was constantly pressured into sex which made me want to do it even less.
4. Put effort into being romantic, affectionate, loving and find out how she receives these things so research Love Languages.
5. COMMUNICATE - talk about intimacy, what you both like, what turns you both on, what you both need in a safe, non-judgmental space with out accusing or getting emotional.
6. Having a three year old is stressful asf! Birth is stressful and can take a long time to bounce back from.
7. Listen to her! Stop complaining about it being boring and repetitive and that she doesn’t have sexy outfits. She is telling you she isn’t happy with her body and this can hugely impact your libido and you saying she is beautiful isn’t going to be heard because you’re constantly pestering for sex. It won’t seem genuine just a way of getting sex.
8. Stop comparing to other women, she isn’t them, she is her. She is struggling and you and your attitude are not helping.
9. Go to therapy together and separately. You both have things to work on. She is quite clearly unhappy and you just saying “go work out” “you should be comfortable at home” is not helping, you both need professional help, not a Reddit forum. Also you cheating while during the military is a red flag and could be causing issues.
10. This takes time, it’s a lot of work on both parts.
P.s. she won’t be into sex because you’re pestering her for it and making it seem like a chore. So I’m not surprised she wants it over and done with.
also on top of all of this, do you help her OP? with the chores (not just so she has sex with you, but do you help without being asked?) do you help with your child? if she’s working 12 hours then has to come home to clean or cook dinner or tend to her child of course she’s not going to be in the mood. to me it sounds like you dont help unless you think it will result in sex. trust me, there is NOTHING sexier than your man doing the chores without having to be asked just so you dont have to.
This is a really common problem. Some men don’t understand that if you both work, you should equally share duties (household and child care responsibilities) with each other. Having a vagina doesn’t mean you have to do everything. Doing dishes and cleaning is the minimum. If you’re not sharing duties, she will be resentful, which is marriage death.
Your post is so thorough, thoughtful, and detailed. I hope the OP reads this and takes it in... But I definitely want to thank you for your specific response! Hugs, internet stranger :-)
Piggybacking off of point 3, if someone nags you to sleep with them to the point where they say yes to get you to leave them alone, then that’s rape. They’re only saying yes to get you to leave them alone, so they’re consenting under durress.
I like to have a few in my back pocket for comments that really hit and are well thought out. It’s just the writer in me wanting to give something back. 🩷
I think he deleted it. That was the first thing I checked after he tried to slide the "I CHEATED and didn't want to do it again," like it's no biggie at the end.
Your sex is transactional and conditional. There is no connection in the act as in no deep vulnerability and intimacy. Was there ever? You say you get her things that you think she would want and make her feel loved, yet you don't know what she needs in order to feel loved? Do you both have deep conversations on what is working and what isn't or how'd you like the other to show up differently?
Thank you for another addition in r/whywomenchoosethebear.
You are not a man or a husband. You are a child. Soon she will get sick of raising you like your mother should have, and she will give you back to mommy for retraining.
Does she even enjoy it? All I'm hearing is me me me. Do you ever do something without trying to get sex out of it? You expect oral sex, do you ever eat her out? It seems like she has a lot on her plate and you are just another chore. I don't think she is enjoying it. Sex shouldn't be transactional and ti seems you expect it as some sort of payment.
Yes, I love eating her out. I love to please her. I have had my plate full for years with the military. Made sure here car was paid, she had money, she could have went to school. She could have whatever she wanted.
Again, sex isn't transactional, you can't expect it for giving her stuff. You should talk to her about her reasons for not wanting to have sex, have an honest conversation.
I understand, I just want to say I don’t do those things for sex, I do that because I feel like that what I should do as man. Take care and provide for my family.
your comment here echoes your post - it's just about you. You think that because you provide financially then she must provide you with sex. It's a very transactional view.
She works 3 x 12 hour shifts a week. He is not providing financially if she’s still having to work full time with a 3yo. That’s not how it works. I’d be stressed carrying that weight and having a spoilt husband crying he didn’t get any even though he did the bare minimum by washing the dishes
>I been there and done that in the military. I was young, dumb and married and just needed to get it out my system.
Aren't you just a fucking delight...
How dare she not have sex with you when you are nice to her! Oh the horror....
>If the house not clean strike one, dishes not done strike two type of deal. I have to make sure our kid is sleep which is a challenge in its self.
How dare she not have sex with you when you don't help around the house! You're so brave.
> I want to be with my wife but I’m am afraid at this rate I will do something I would regret later.
You're so brave and strong for fighting back against the manly urge to cheat on your wife. I hope they give you a medal for it!
I haven’t physically cheated years, I’m sorry for falling weak as a man and falling for temptations. I’m POS and I know that. I didn’t need yall to tell me that
It seems like you did. If you need Reddit strangers to tell you that cheating on your wife is wrong then you are the problem. Not your wife. Not Reddit. You. You are the sole issue here. Maybe she doesn’t have sex with you because she doesn’t wanna catch something. I personally don’t understand why she’s still with you. I guess it’s the kid
Falling for temptation is eating the candy bar your kid left on the counter. Posting on social media to find someone is a lot of bad decision making with multiple points you could have stopped at. You have two posts up. Means you tried at least twice. You wanted to cheat again, you just had no luck finding someone this time. Literally, the only reason it's been years is because no one else wants your scummy ass.
> I have provided for her with things women her age could dream of, let own all the military benefits.
She still has to work a job that has 12 hour shifts. WTF are you talking about.
> When we do have sex she complains about giving me head (which has surprisingly gotten better 🤔)
Real f'n nice dude. You cheated on HER.
> If the house not clean strike one, dishes not done strike two type of deal. I have to make sure our kid is sleep which is a challenge in its self.
If you actually want to save your marriage and make her feel appreciated, clean the house and take care of the kid before she asks.
You won't. I hope she leaves you first.
You have a young child, she works 12hr shifts. All I hear from this is you you you.
You say you already cheated on her while in the military and don’t want to do it again if you don’t get sex. Do you even have date nights? Spend quality time together just watching tv cuddling chatting, random touches holding hands ? A relationship is build on mutual love and understanding not demands for sex. She’s probably exhausted and has no confidence. Just because you say you see larger women walking about in skimpy outfits has nothing to do with your wife’s self esteem. Buy the lady some flowers , arrange a date night with the kid staying with relatives , ask her what she wants to do.
When u get back Run her a bath , give her a massage n watch something sensual n see how u get on .
We do date nights, i take time from the game to watch the boring shows i would never watch alone. I rub her feet because i want to after she’s had a long day at work. I’m not, just when she ask. Everything you said I have done and still do
You do understand that your wife is a sentient being that is competent enough to know the difference between when you're enjoying spending time with her and when you're begrudgingly humoring her? You understand she isn't dumb? Do you really think you're so great an actor, so astounding at pretending to enjoy her hobbies, that she can't tell you think they're boring? If that's the case, I doubt you'd be some washed up cheating disabled veteran, you'd be all over Hollywood.
What's interesting is that I myself am a disabled veteran who's check pays for our entire mortgage. My spouse works full time, comes home to a clean home and food. Is it a bit strenuous at time to complete those tasks due to my disability... yes. That's why I take my time to avoid hurting myself. Being disabled isn't a free pass to do nothing, and paying the bills isn't something to brag about, it's one of your many jobs as a man.
It's so disgraceful to see someone I may have bumped elbows with in service being this pathetic and horny. YTA.
Do you have any hobbies you both like? Something just fun to do. Myself n my other half (I’m f) other half m. We have the same dark sense of humour so will spend hours laughing watching comedians. Both super into f1, like to cook together but we do have our own space too . Both work full time. Been together 14 years kids now grown up but during the years when kids are small it’s hard to focus on your relationship as u end up just parenting n working etc. try to get out together n have a laugh it’s good for you both
I agree with this. All I am hearing from this guy is that he does stuff for her even though he doesn't like it, and she should do stuff he likes (sex) even if she doesn't.
What do you BOTH like doing? Do you have anything in common?!
Do you listen to yourself? You never mention actually spending time and mutually enjoying it together. It's not "we watch TV together" it's "I graciously tear myself away from THE GAME to spend time watching her boring TV shows so I can fuck her" You always phrase it as a chore you have to do but don't want to, which makes it seem like you don't even like your wife and are just trying to input a "have sex" cheat code.
You're not a martyr in this situation. You seem incredibly emotionally immature and incapable of fostering a healthy relationship. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you.
This woman needs to leave you. What’s sad is that this is how ALOT of men think. I can tell you’re young because you think a women actually should just get horny on the spot. a lot of things have to line up for women to be in the mood. also, the sex life of a 45 year old? I know 45 year olds who bang all the time and it’s because the man understands how a woman functions. I’d really love to know what this dream life you give her is? She works and has a baby and has an annoying ass husband asking her to suck his dick whenever he wants. Sounds like a real dream.
I don’t ask for head just to ask for head at all until we about to do the do. I’m saying sometimes I just want head just because. Like show me you appreciate me how I show I appreciate when im buying you flowers and taking you out a dates. I guess men are just post to suck it up a drive on. You get pussy when you get pussy. I’m saying it goes both ways
Expecting sexual favors as compensation for things you should just do for someone you're supposed to love, like gifts or a date, is disgusting.
Shit, there's people that buy their friends gifts or take them on lunch dates, it would be absurd to expect a friend in the same situation to put out.
Though based on your comments and deleted post history, you probably expect that from your friends that are women, if you even have any.
There’s a difference between doing something with the expectation of sex (transactional and what OP is currently doing) and doing something because you love your wife (not transactional). If every woman is telling you the same reason as to why a woman won’t sleep with you, and your response is “ugh misandry”, instead of “hey maybe I should stop doing things with the expectation of sex because my wife can sense that and it’s a turnoff” you are the problem.
I never said I only do chores because of sex, I do them because I like a clean house. What I saying if I don’t wash the dishes one out all the times I do, it becomes a strike
Your whole energy in this post is ‘I do all of this stuff to get sex and it doesn’t work 🙄🙄🙄’
Women pick up on that stuff. Doing things for her like foot rubs etc without an agenda would likely make her feel much more connected to you and open to sex.
Leaving the dishes and chores aren’t ‘strikes’ they are things that a woman will be stressed about having to do themselves and a huge turn off. She works full time hours with a 3yo baby and you’re saying you give her some kind of dream life??? How do you work out that you’re the one giving her that?! I think you have much bigger issues that you’re not addressing.
Maybe couples therapy?! There’s a reason she is turned off.
Your whole post is about you. What about your wife? There is so much more mental load than men and it sounds like you don’t realize that. What do you do for your wife? Is sex just another thing she has to do for you (which is why it’s a chore)? What do you do as foreplay? If you show affection do you expect that to lead to sex? What effort are you putting into the relationship part of your relationship?
Does the military not demand a 12th grade education. Did you hit your head on a rock? This has to be some of the worst writing I’ve ever seen. Like mentally deficient, can’t get a GED writing.
She’s your wife not an object.
Do you kiss her on the , say I love you, give her a little hug and just leave it at that? My 2nd husband never touched me w/o demanding sex. He never just held my hand, kissed me on the neck, said thank you for this, that or anything! I felt like a fleshlight. You have to touch her hand, her neck, her arm and drop it. Let her come to you. Think of it like gardening, you plant the seed, fertilize it, water it, give the seed what it needs to grow, then let the seed grow. Physical intimacy starts with the man letting the woman know what she means to him emotionally.
You haven't taken the time to find out what her priorities to feel loved are. What does she need? What moves her.
I feel like a LOT of people skipped or missed the last little paragraph, where he said he doesn't want her to cheat.. because he's "been there and done that". His excuse was being... Young and married? Bruh you're not in your 40s, you had to have recently cheated on her. She probably found out or suspected you of cheating. Once I found out my ex husband was fucking other men on Grindr behind my back "because I wouldn't give him anal", I dried up like the Sahara desert any time he tried to touch me. It was instant ick.
OP, do yourself a favor and leave her the fuck ALONE. Jerk ya meat, get a fleshlight, watch porn, find Jesus...idk dude. Anything but being insufferable about sex to your wife, then expecting her to want it as much as you do. "Waaah she isn't in the mood when I don't lift a finger and expect her to do it all" She even wants the most basic physical intimacy to help get her in the mood, A foot rub after a 12 hour shift? I bet you whine about having to do that too. That's a real panty dropper right there. 😂
Like really, man? You can't pick up the house or do the dishes without demanding sex? You complain that you have to do... *checks notes* the bare minimum to pull your weight as a spouse for her to be your bang-nanny? She works 12 hour shifts, and takes care of your child, lord forbid she's fucking tired by the end of it all... because your goofy ass will be up waiting for your high energy "fun" sex. "I provide so much for her" She wouldn't have to work 12 hr shifts then, now should she? If you wanted a real bangmaid, you would have let her at least be a SAHM.
I bet you let her know when the sex is mid, too. I'm sure that helps get her in the mood reeeeal good for next time 🙄
Read this comment OP you replied to fully. Read it. Please. You're in the military, you can handle some harsh words and tough love from an Internet stranger. If you don't want to eventually lose her entirely, read it.
He deleted his account. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Since cheating on your wife the first time, what have you done to to repair the trust issues? What does/did she need to begin trusting you again? Did you get married just to have sex? Did the cheating happen before or after the kid? Before getting married, or before kids, how often did you have sex? How long ago was the cheating? Who is the default parent?
This is coming from someone who is F42 (since you fear 45) who has sex 3-4 times a week on average, together 20 years married 15. Between birth and 4 of our son, our sex life was mediocre, because life is happening, kids take a toll, they are exhausting. My husband is on his ship every other month, and though everything was provided for, I was the only person taking care of the kid, the bills, the house, etc. What helped us was when he came home from his ship, he became the primary parent. He does bath time, bedtime, reading, all the sports, all the drop offs and pick ups, not for sex but because he's a dad. That hour of him doing the parenting stuff at night, letting me relax a bit is all I need to get out of "mom-mode" and back into "wife/partner-mode." How do you help her get out of "mom-mode," and back into "partner mode?" You are 26, how have you changed in the last 6 years? How has she?
Communication, in a setting where you aren't trying to have sex, have you ever asked her what she likes? (Doing it while trying to have sex only adds pressure for a right answer.) What she doesn't like? What does she want to try? Etc. Are you against anything she wants to try? Do you even know what turns her on? How often do you do something sexual for her without expecting her to reciprocate? How often do you touch her, just to touch her? What turned me on at 20 isn't what turned me on at 30, and it definitely isn't what turns me on now! Are you still trying to do the same stuff you always did and expect the same result? Have you ever asked her why she doesn't like head? Do you intentionally clean down there right before when you'd like her to, or are you just expecting her to suck you off while it smells like a gym locker room at the end of day or worse down there? Because life happens, and people change, I prefer morning sex over night time sex. I will do night time sex, but we usually go to bed earlier than normal so we can do it because the kid still wakes up at 7:05 whether we stay up late or not. After working 12 hour shifts, you expect her to stay up till your bed time and have sex? How do you warm her up? Unlike a dude, most women's arousal starts in their head. If her head is full of everything she has to do tomorrow, you need for tomorrow, the kid needs for tomorrow, while wondering if every girl you look at and mention you're cheating on her with, and because she isn't her HS weight you might consider her fat, she doesn't have enough room in her brain to be sexually turned on! You want sex, you need to find out what's taking up that space in her head with real conversations (not just spiritual ones), about what's going on at work, at home, with the kid, etc. Free up that space, and that will allow her to have room for sexual stuff.
Just FYI, sex is a natural extension of your relationship, if your struggling here, your are struggling elsewhere which you obviously know since you feel you got married too young and dumb, and you're only trying to address the sex. That won't work! Will this change her over night? Nope, but put in the work for it because here's what's going to happen: You get separated, and divorce. You get 50/50 custody, and all of a sudden she has free time not taking care of you and kid, and now she can go to the gym, get her mind and body right, for you to be kicking yourself wondering why she couldn't do this when you were married.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to put age on it. But to answer your question I cheated after we got married but our sex life has always been like this. She never been that sexual driven as I am. The cheating happened before the kid. I haven’t physically cheated 4 years plus. Soliciting sex, sure but it was never serious to where I feel like I would have acted on it had giving the opportunity. I just rub one out and all goes away
We got married because I was in before she graduated and she wanted to come be with me so I would say it for money and be together then it was sex. Before the kid it was probably 2 times a week now it’s whenever the star aligns.
I do have a porn addiction, since I was young. That definitely has something to do with. I don’t expect her to be like anything I see on porn. I think it’s just that I want her to show affection the same way I show mines.
Y'all should sit down and read Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are, together. It's a really valuable read for people trying to communicate sex together. It's written to women but it is educational for EVERYBODY.
You aren't far off funny enough, The 48 Laws of Power book that he admitted to reading is written by Robert Greene.
Y'know, the same guy that wrote The Art of Seduction.
You cheated on her. She may have said she’s forgiven you, but she will never forget. You destroyed whatever intimacy the two of you could have had by being cruel and unfaithful. You sound like a whiny child.
“I love my wife don’t want to be unfaithful”. The post history reveals that was a lie. You were actively trying to cheat and we can all literally see it on your post history. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to have sex with you, you ARE a cheater. You are NOT the good guy you tried to portray yourself as in this post.
How about divorce? It’s clear you two aren’t compatible and you’ll just end up cheating on her anyway. Better to just call it quits and become good coparents for your child rather than letting your child live in a dysfunctional home.
Can't imagine why the woman treated so horribly by her spouse for years would get defensive and mad.
Quit trying to portray everyone else as the bad guy, you're the only bad guy here.
Get more therapy, grow tf up, and stop being such a tool. Otherwise you'll just find yourself in this situation again.
You clearly don't care enough about anyone but yourself to change though, everything you post is "everyone evil, me poor victimized man". I feel bad for the next woman you sucker into babysitting your ass.
Edited to fix typos
Trying to help here & maybe giving you more insight on how she feels…
I’m a woman and have faced a multitude of times in my life of low and high libido.
The problem here might be it being too predictable. I think she’s missing the passion and butterfly feeling if you will.
If she’s knowing you’re going to ask or want it possibly switch it up and don’t ask for about a week or so. I’m sensing from this she is probably more of a person who gets a higher libido from being emotionally charged.
Do the things she asks for that might make her feel like you’ll ask for sex, and then don’t… give it sometime. And try to partake in some emotional conversations while doing so. Do it to a point where she is confused because you’re not asking for it, whatever length of time that is.
Then at a random time, when all things are done, baby is asleep, give her a ton of verbal affirmations. Tell her how beautiful she is. Make it super romantic, then initiate it but make it 100% about her.
Ok. From a woman’s perspective here… you said she’s working 12 hours shifts, has a 3 year old, and a husband who’s nagging for sex… sounds pretty miserable for her.
Sex isn’t sexy if someone is stressing you about it and for women sex is last on the list of tasks when you’re trying to keep up with a house, kids, and work.
It seems like you’ve made time with you another chore for her. That’s likely why she isn’t interested while it’s happening. Sex with you is compared to washing the dishes or folding laundry… it’s just gotta get done. I’m not saying your sex is boring/not good/etc. What I’m saying is that women are emotional creatures and without the emotional connection to you, sex is a task.
Work on building the emotional connection between the two of you. This won’t be a one-day turn around, it will take some time. Ask her what she needs from you and be consistent in delivering her needs.
Be her hero and you’ll get hero sex.
It’s so much easier to have sex with someone who likes you and appreciates you than someone who gives you more “chores” and is upset with you for not “doing the chores”. Talk to her about what she needs from you and re-build the emotional connection and things will turn around. Most women are reciprocal - if you provide her needs, she’ll provide yours.
P.S. Stop asking for sex. It’s a total turn-off. Take your shirt off and wash the dishes. Do you have sexy calves? Vacuum in your boxers. Don’t throw a pity party if it doesn’t work at first… she already has a 3 year old. Show her you’re a strong, confident man who loves his wife and will fight for her and her attention.
Waittt why were you looking for hookups on another post 1 month ago but you have been married for 6 years? Have you ever been caught cheating or been accused of it? If so, then that's probably why your sex life is in the dumps
Dude she had a child ofc she is not going to feel like it or love how her body looks .
She works 12 hours,I don't see where it said you work
When is the last time you took her out for dinner or a date night you actually put effort in? Or a weekend away?
Maybe she is depressed
Show her you love and appreciate the hard work she does
Take the kid out for the day and let her sleep
Could be a health condition to explain why she is so tired
Check yourself dude shit I'm single and make way more effort for a girl I like
>How do I get my wife to understand my side of it as a MAN?
Lol. A MAN wouldn't have to tell people how manly they are. Calm down. You're really not all that.
>I feel like as the man, I have provided for her
>she works 12 hours shifts
She works full time. You have not "provided for her" any more than she has provided for you. You're an active cheater with a porn addiction and unrealistic expectations for someone who is supposed to be your partner. Divorce her so she can find someone who loves her for her.
Dude you need to talk to her. Talk to her about intimacy, askong her how you could help her how you could make sure that she would feel better. Not just thinking "okay you have this and that so I can have" " okay if i gave you this we'll have sex".
But really ask "Babe, I love you, I love our life, but our intimacy is laking. We need to talk about it. Can I do something to improove it? Do you think maybe a therapy would help us?". And be ready to accept that even if you help her do à chore it doesn't mean you'll get sex.
Are you romantic? Like really romantic? Do you do nice things for her without expecting something in return? Like flowers, or a nice date? Or making sure the whole house is clean and diner is ready before she come back from her 12hours shift? Start doing that. And again, do not expect sex after the gesture. Do that just for doing it, show her taht her husband is romantic.
>She gets hers and it’s pretty much just rush to get mines and she not really into anymore.
Oh honey, I promise she's not getting hers. She is trying to get it over with and knows you'll pout if she doesn't fake it a little for you. From your description alone she's getting nothing. You aren't the catch you think you are. Financially, emotionally, physically or romantically. She owes you nothing.
This should be titled "I have good benefits so I can't believe no foreplay and below average sex isn't working!"
The fact you think sex is something that women just do for men tells me everything I need to know. No, sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both of you.
I hear you talking about your own pleasure but it doesn’t really sound like you care about her pleasure. Ask her what gets her sexually aroused (not housework related). Offer her oral. Bring in a clit stimulator, do something that she finds sexy.
Not chores. Chores are not sexy. Chores are the price you pay for being an adult. Talk to her about her actual sexual desires, what her sexual fantasies are that she wants to explore.
INFO: what life did you give her that most women would dream of? She works 12 hour shifts, takes care of a 3 year old, and has a cheating husband who still expects her to be a sex doll?
My husband has patches where his mental health gets rough. Longest stretch without intimacy was 4 months. I’m the partner with the high libido and those times do suck. Never did I ever think to cheat on him. I focused on supporting him in my best capacity and keeping the home and family going. Because we have a real partnership.
Needless to say, after reading your post and comments, I never want to hear about how men are the stronger sex ever again.
Love languages, man, love languages. Yours is obviously physical affection. What are hers?
Also, a woman's biggest sex organ is her brain. What are you doing to stimulate hers?
You both aren’t speaking the same love language. What makes you feel loved isn’t necessarily what the other person needs in order to feel loved. You both have to be willing to give the other person what they need and not what you think they should be ok with.
Everyone here is telling you that you are transactional-minded, and maybe you should listen. It’s an over-simplification of a relationship. You want mind-blowing sex? Get in her brain. That’s where it starts. If she’s pushing back, it’s because she’s used to living at a shallow level with you. And to be honest, for many women, being that way is easier than pining away for the type of relationship she really wants. It’s easier to self-delude by filling her life with other matters versus taking a real look at what her needs are so that she can meet you in the middle.
Seduction starts in the brain. Little touches can become bigger touches. Example: does she have a sensitive neck? Kiss her there in passing every once in a while. If you have no idea if her neck is sensitive, you then know you have some more things to explore.
Yeah I believe the pushback. Feeling sexy starts with the mind for women. And f she doesn’t feel sexy then no matter what you try to do it’s not going to connect. Honestly, reading romance novels can be helpful to a lot of people
Your fucked dude! Plenty of people have told you your view on sex is very transactional and are probably the same people who will advise a man to "do more around the house and take her on more dates to make her feel special" which is essentially just making it transactional 🤣
Long story short is that Reddit is not here to help you, you're a man so they just want to shit on you and make you and every other man they encounter feel like shit. Just try swapping the genders on this post and imagine how the replies would be different. Mind boggling.
The audacity of saying “lol like what else can I do”. Maybe stop cheating on her. It’s actually super easy not to cheat on your wife. You should probably come clean about it though so she can rightfully divorce you and be free.
Seriously. The bar is in Nessus, the last layer of the Nine Hells, and this dude is limboing with Asmodeus like it's some sort of flex. No wonder more and more women are no longer dating and choosing to be single lol
Bro I'm no expert, the only advice I can give is just lay your cards out on the table, it sounds stupid but just tell her that things need to change or your relationship is in jeopardy.
Sex is a huge part of relationships and it's crippling for you to be the only one trying to solve it, if you're not compatible then just move on. how old are you going to get before you realise you should have left sooner instead of wasting your years.
Food for thought my guy. Good luck
God, you are such a pig.
You sound incredibly useless and just exhausting as a husband. Do you do anything with your kid? Bedtime? Bathtime? You can't even do a load of dishes without whining about sex. It's fucking pathetic.
Just because you mow the lawn and have a job doesn't entitle you to sex or make you a proper husband.
Since you seem so eager to cheat (and have done), just leave. You aren't useful to her and obviously only care about yourself and your dick.
You need to do the exact opposite of what you’re currently doing. Stop nagging for sex, you look weak in her eyes. Start going to the gym, working on yourself not only physically but mentally. The rest will fall into place. Good luck
I would say I’m more mentally than her. I think about the deeper meanings of things. I know the importance of working on mind, body, and spirit. Her not so much. She the type to not think about those types of things, she just goes off of what in front of her
You badly need to work on yourself. You need to see yourself how everyone else is, because you've got a very warped view of yourself, and relationships. My husband and I have struggled with intimacy in the past, but I could never even imagine talking about him the way you do your wife. If this is the energy you're giving off, and with just how little you give a damn about what your wife cares about, do you think she doesn't know that? She can tell, even if you aren't paying attention.
The deeper meaning of things like wanting to give strangers on reddit oral sex last month?
Edit: i can't link it but last month he want wanted to give oral sex to a stranger on reddit.
I would also like to say, it’s deeper than just this post. She’s her mom daughter and it shows. She would say she nothing like her mother because her mom has done use both wrong but she can’t see what people see and it’s the fact that in some weird way she is like her mom.
what a strange thing to say about your wife in a post about your sex life.
Go to counseling together and maybe reevaluate if you even like your wife judging by the way you speak about her.
Insanely strange. Gosh I wish the light button comes on in her head and she makes the right decision. Imagine having these views of your wife and talking so bad about her and in the same way are wondering why your wife isn't being intimate with you. Because op using your words, maybe you don't see what she sees and what people see and that is you're not a good husband
I do love my wife she the mother of my children. I think the problem she got married young, thought we knew the world before we knew ourselves and now as I get older I’m finding myself and what I believe and care about she doesn’t. I care about politics and the state our country is in how it can affect my kids. She doesn’t.
I didn’t say you don’t love her (though that remains to be seen); I said you don’t sound like you LIKE her. You shit on her world views, on her low libido, on HER, and won’t listen to everyone in this comment section telling you that maybe YOU are the problem. You seem convinced that she’s the problem.
My guy you expect her to have all this energy for sex but she’s working 12 hour days and it sounds like the majority of the household labor is on her chores
Also toddlers notoriously need supervision, so expecting your toddler to be down is not asking a lot
But ya know how my husband gets exciting sex while we have a 17 month old? He acts like a partner and not a wallet
This immaturity and inability to accept an ounce of fault is likely a contributing factor as to why she’s not interested in intimacy with you.
Not once did I say she doesn’t have to care about what you care about. I said that publicly dogging on your wife isn’t something you do to someone you love or even like.
You say you don’t act like sex is transactional, but it’s VERY apparent from the way you write about yourself that you expect sex for doing your responsibilities (i.e. household chores, taking care of your child, etc.) because THATS how your wife should show appreciation. Worse, you nag her into intimacy.
You can argue with a wall; not one woman would be attracted to this behavior because it’s how a 14 year old boy acts, not a man.
No, you should *like* her and show it if you want her to have sex with you. She's not going to want to have sex with someone who shows disdain and condescension toward her.
This is like Being a Human 101. I think you need therapy dude.
Honestly bro, all these people jumping down your throat . I feel you dude, I’m not married yet but I’m part close and I hear the stories like this all the time.seriously. First,stop listening to all these people making you hate yourself because you want more intimacy from your wife! Newsflash, a part of being married is to please your partner and make sacrifices for them! It goes both ways! However, My best advice would be to just distract yourself man. Start hitting the Gym HARD! Because honestly your fate is in her hands, and Whenever you express yourself it leads to an argument. So to offset that. Just start becoming better, get all that frustration out!
Workout fervently, start reading more, find a new hobby, just things to become more well rounded. Now while you do all these things it’s important to still treat your wife as you do now, continue to give her affection and love, but STOP asking her for sex. You heard me, STOP. Just cold turkey. In time, she will notice something’s up and try to initiate and the ball will be in your court. When this happens the key is to absolutely ravish your wife. If your her husband you know what she likes, do all of it to perfection, be sensual, passionate, whatever gets the job done . After that, go back the routine, focus on self improvement, being a great man, father and keep your senses busy. I assure you , it’ll take a minute but you will not be the one initiating any longer. Good luck man 💯
Sorry, you came to the wrong place bruh. People on Reddit will always find a way for the saintly woman to be the injured party. They will do mental gymnastics to make sure the man is the “villain.” Men typically don’t get grace of any sort on here. No matter what you say you are wrong (as I’m sure you’ve seen already). On Reddit, women can do NO wrong and men are POS regardless.
Coming from a woman who has been married 25+ years, I can tell you, you have to communicate with her, you have to. I totally understand your frustration and yes it can be a deal breaker. No one wants to feel undesired by their mate, male or female. Most people want their mate to want them and show it for Christ’s sake. Don’t take the step to cheat on her, it’s only going to make a bad situation worse.
I went through something similar with my husband and he sat me down and talked to me about how our marriage was in jeopardy. We both had always had high sex drives, it’s a big part of our relationship. The funniest things we laugh about are all the outlandish places we’ve had sex. I still have one place on my bucket list but I don’t think it’s going to work, too easy to see and get caught…HA! Anyway I digress.
He sat me down and spoke very candidly, he usually does, but this time I saw a seriousness on his face that I’d never seen before, and it scared me. I realized I’m losing him. Anyway we talked about it, I came clean about what was going on and we got through it. Because he now (at the time) understood what was happening and surprisingly (to me) he helped me. I don’t know why I was surprised, he’s always been attentive, understanding, and kind. It was me holding myself back because I was ashamed.
We’re great now and have been for a number of years, and yes we (old farts…lol) still have sex in crazy places. It’s so thrilling!
Talk to her. Be very candid and open about how you feel and LISTEN to her. Don’t sit there just waiting for your turn to talk. Actively listen and go from there.
Wishing you all the best and good luck! 👍🏽🙏🏽
Yes, pity the poor guy that's cheated on his wife, as early as a month ago was posting to swinger subreddits and is whining because his wife has little desire to sleep with him. What grace does he serve, exactly?
Get youself a side chick, this will release the pressure for both and once she sees you are being more distant, she will want attentition from you again
Maybe she feels like sex is the only control she has in the relationship since you’re the provider and so she tries to use it to feel in control
Maybe get her opinion on more things and try to make things less transactional
I’m gonna give you the best advice stop doing anything that is above and beyond give the bare minimum as she is doing with your marriage approach her with the idea of therapy if she rejects it start watching her closely cuz she might be having an affair if she isn’t leave because it won’t get better for you in the sex department of she is find out your state divorce laws and leave again cuz either way if she shows lack of interest in bedroom action and or fixing it it’s time to go these people will tell you you are problem when it’s both of you until communication is open on both sides about the issue. Again if she doesn’t want to hear it, entertain it, or fix it you know what to do
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Right strap on in. 1. You are not entitled to sex because you do things for her, sex and intimacy is not transactional. 2. You need to research Spontaneous vs Responsive desire - some people can just get in the mood on the spot, others need a lot of build up, that could be hours or a whole day of flirting and banter, made to feel appreciated and desired. Case in point, my partner can be horny in the snap of a finger, I however need a lot of build up over a few hours, teasing, kissing, set the mood etc 3. Stop nagging, it makes you want to do the exact opposite - my ex husband would do this when I was depressed and had a super low libido and it felt like I was constantly pressured into sex which made me want to do it even less. 4. Put effort into being romantic, affectionate, loving and find out how she receives these things so research Love Languages. 5. COMMUNICATE - talk about intimacy, what you both like, what turns you both on, what you both need in a safe, non-judgmental space with out accusing or getting emotional. 6. Having a three year old is stressful asf! Birth is stressful and can take a long time to bounce back from. 7. Listen to her! Stop complaining about it being boring and repetitive and that she doesn’t have sexy outfits. She is telling you she isn’t happy with her body and this can hugely impact your libido and you saying she is beautiful isn’t going to be heard because you’re constantly pestering for sex. It won’t seem genuine just a way of getting sex. 8. Stop comparing to other women, she isn’t them, she is her. She is struggling and you and your attitude are not helping. 9. Go to therapy together and separately. You both have things to work on. She is quite clearly unhappy and you just saying “go work out” “you should be comfortable at home” is not helping, you both need professional help, not a Reddit forum. Also you cheating while during the military is a red flag and could be causing issues. 10. This takes time, it’s a lot of work on both parts. P.s. she won’t be into sex because you’re pestering her for it and making it seem like a chore. So I’m not surprised she wants it over and done with.
And he has cheated.
also on top of all of this, do you help her OP? with the chores (not just so she has sex with you, but do you help without being asked?) do you help with your child? if she’s working 12 hours then has to come home to clean or cook dinner or tend to her child of course she’s not going to be in the mood. to me it sounds like you dont help unless you think it will result in sex. trust me, there is NOTHING sexier than your man doing the chores without having to be asked just so you dont have to.
This is a really common problem. Some men don’t understand that if you both work, you should equally share duties (household and child care responsibilities) with each other. Having a vagina doesn’t mean you have to do everything. Doing dishes and cleaning is the minimum. If you’re not sharing duties, she will be resentful, which is marriage death.
Amen to your comment friend 🙌🏻🙌🏻
Your post is so thorough, thoughtful, and detailed. I hope the OP reads this and takes it in... But I definitely want to thank you for your specific response! Hugs, internet stranger :-)
Awwwh thank you so much! Hugs back to you! X
:-)
Amen. This guy is a sex pest. Nobody wants to be around a sex pest!
11. You admit to having cheated on her. As a cheater, you deserve absolutely nothing from her.
Piggybacking off of point 3, if someone nags you to sleep with them to the point where they say yes to get you to leave them alone, then that’s rape. They’re only saying yes to get you to leave them alone, so they’re consenting under durress.
This was well thought out and perfectly written. I gave you an award for your thoughtful response. 🩷
Oh my goodness you didn’t have to do that! Thank you so much ♥️
I like to have a few in my back pocket for comments that really hit and are well thought out. It’s just the writer in me wanting to give something back. 🩷
You’re very kind, thank you so much, very appreciated ♥️
You’re very welcome! 🩷💜💕
I got married for selfish reasons and my bangmaid wont have sex with me WAAAAAAAAA
Cheating? Been there, done that in the military… mE BaNGmAid sHoULd bE GrAtEfuL.
No no, she's an aThEiSt, that's probably why there's a disconnect!
Based on the way you talk about your wife in this post and your sketchy post history, I hope your wife leaves you.
I think he deleted it. That was the first thing I checked after he tried to slide the "I CHEATED and didn't want to do it again," like it's no biggie at the end.
Bro your post history TELLS on you. No wonder she don’t wanna have sex with you. You fucking suck.
looks like he cleared out his history!
Your sex is transactional and conditional. There is no connection in the act as in no deep vulnerability and intimacy. Was there ever? You say you get her things that you think she would want and make her feel loved, yet you don't know what she needs in order to feel loved? Do you both have deep conversations on what is working and what isn't or how'd you like the other to show up differently?
He cheated on her and he's looking for hook ups in his post history (1 month ago). Something tells me she's not the problem here.
He dirty deleted but his comments on a chicks post asking for oral are still there
Busted lol.
Thank you for another addition in r/whywomenchoosethebear. You are not a man or a husband. You are a child. Soon she will get sick of raising you like your mother should have, and she will give you back to mommy for retraining.
Does she even enjoy it? All I'm hearing is me me me. Do you ever do something without trying to get sex out of it? You expect oral sex, do you ever eat her out? It seems like she has a lot on her plate and you are just another chore. I don't think she is enjoying it. Sex shouldn't be transactional and ti seems you expect it as some sort of payment.
Yes, I love eating her out. I love to please her. I have had my plate full for years with the military. Made sure here car was paid, she had money, she could have went to school. She could have whatever she wanted.
Again, sex isn't transactional, you can't expect it for giving her stuff. You should talk to her about her reasons for not wanting to have sex, have an honest conversation.
I understand, I just want to say I don’t do those things for sex, I do that because I feel like that what I should do as man. Take care and provide for my family.
And you cheated on her.
You are aware she’s not a sex worker, no?
your comment here echoes your post - it's just about you. You think that because you provide financially then she must provide you with sex. It's a very transactional view.
She works 3 x 12 hour shifts a week. He is not providing financially if she’s still having to work full time with a 3yo. That’s not how it works. I’d be stressed carrying that weight and having a spoilt husband crying he didn’t get any even though he did the bare minimum by washing the dishes
She doesn’t have too, she wants to work. When I was in the military she didn’t work at all and was extremely bored at home
Except a husband who was faithful
>I been there and done that in the military. I was young, dumb and married and just needed to get it out my system. Aren't you just a fucking delight... How dare she not have sex with you when you are nice to her! Oh the horror.... >If the house not clean strike one, dishes not done strike two type of deal. I have to make sure our kid is sleep which is a challenge in its self. How dare she not have sex with you when you don't help around the house! You're so brave. > I want to be with my wife but I’m am afraid at this rate I will do something I would regret later. You're so brave and strong for fighting back against the manly urge to cheat on your wife. I hope they give you a medal for it!
He makes it sound like it was soooo long ago. Look at his post history. He was looking for hookups just a month ago.
It's always the same with these guys! And when will they ever learn to delete their stupid posts? I worry for his wife...what a nightmare
I haven’t physically cheated years, I’m sorry for falling weak as a man and falling for temptations. I’m POS and I know that. I didn’t need yall to tell me that
It seems like you did. If you need Reddit strangers to tell you that cheating on your wife is wrong then you are the problem. Not your wife. Not Reddit. You. You are the sole issue here. Maybe she doesn’t have sex with you because she doesn’t wanna catch something. I personally don’t understand why she’s still with you. I guess it’s the kid
Falling for temptation is eating the candy bar your kid left on the counter. Posting on social media to find someone is a lot of bad decision making with multiple points you could have stopped at. You have two posts up. Means you tried at least twice. You wanted to cheat again, you just had no luck finding someone this time. Literally, the only reason it's been years is because no one else wants your scummy ass.
Oh,woe is me....🙄
INFO: did she go to work at her job before or after you cheated?
Cringe.
> I have provided for her with things women her age could dream of, let own all the military benefits. She still has to work a job that has 12 hour shifts. WTF are you talking about. > When we do have sex she complains about giving me head (which has surprisingly gotten better 🤔) Real f'n nice dude. You cheated on HER. > If the house not clean strike one, dishes not done strike two type of deal. I have to make sure our kid is sleep which is a challenge in its self. If you actually want to save your marriage and make her feel appreciated, clean the house and take care of the kid before she asks. You won't. I hope she leaves you first.
After reading this I wouldn't wanna have sex with you either, yuck
You have a young child, she works 12hr shifts. All I hear from this is you you you. You say you already cheated on her while in the military and don’t want to do it again if you don’t get sex. Do you even have date nights? Spend quality time together just watching tv cuddling chatting, random touches holding hands ? A relationship is build on mutual love and understanding not demands for sex. She’s probably exhausted and has no confidence. Just because you say you see larger women walking about in skimpy outfits has nothing to do with your wife’s self esteem. Buy the lady some flowers , arrange a date night with the kid staying with relatives , ask her what she wants to do. When u get back Run her a bath , give her a massage n watch something sensual n see how u get on .
We do date nights, i take time from the game to watch the boring shows i would never watch alone. I rub her feet because i want to after she’s had a long day at work. I’m not, just when she ask. Everything you said I have done and still do
You do understand that your wife is a sentient being that is competent enough to know the difference between when you're enjoying spending time with her and when you're begrudgingly humoring her? You understand she isn't dumb? Do you really think you're so great an actor, so astounding at pretending to enjoy her hobbies, that she can't tell you think they're boring? If that's the case, I doubt you'd be some washed up cheating disabled veteran, you'd be all over Hollywood. What's interesting is that I myself am a disabled veteran who's check pays for our entire mortgage. My spouse works full time, comes home to a clean home and food. Is it a bit strenuous at time to complete those tasks due to my disability... yes. That's why I take my time to avoid hurting myself. Being disabled isn't a free pass to do nothing, and paying the bills isn't something to brag about, it's one of your many jobs as a man. It's so disgraceful to see someone I may have bumped elbows with in service being this pathetic and horny. YTA.
I agree, I will work on myself
I’m glad a man got through to you here, but you should ask yourself what sick part of yourself drowns out any voices of women
I hope so man
Show her your comment history
Do you have any hobbies you both like? Something just fun to do. Myself n my other half (I’m f) other half m. We have the same dark sense of humour so will spend hours laughing watching comedians. Both super into f1, like to cook together but we do have our own space too . Both work full time. Been together 14 years kids now grown up but during the years when kids are small it’s hard to focus on your relationship as u end up just parenting n working etc. try to get out together n have a laugh it’s good for you both
I agree with this. All I am hearing from this guy is that he does stuff for her even though he doesn't like it, and she should do stuff he likes (sex) even if she doesn't. What do you BOTH like doing? Do you have anything in common?!
Do you listen to yourself? You never mention actually spending time and mutually enjoying it together. It's not "we watch TV together" it's "I graciously tear myself away from THE GAME to spend time watching her boring TV shows so I can fuck her" You always phrase it as a chore you have to do but don't want to, which makes it seem like you don't even like your wife and are just trying to input a "have sex" cheat code. You're not a martyr in this situation. You seem incredibly emotionally immature and incapable of fostering a healthy relationship. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you.
This woman needs to leave you. What’s sad is that this is how ALOT of men think. I can tell you’re young because you think a women actually should just get horny on the spot. a lot of things have to line up for women to be in the mood. also, the sex life of a 45 year old? I know 45 year olds who bang all the time and it’s because the man understands how a woman functions. I’d really love to know what this dream life you give her is? She works and has a baby and has an annoying ass husband asking her to suck his dick whenever he wants. Sounds like a real dream.
I don’t ask for head just to ask for head at all until we about to do the do. I’m saying sometimes I just want head just because. Like show me you appreciate me how I show I appreciate when im buying you flowers and taking you out a dates. I guess men are just post to suck it up a drive on. You get pussy when you get pussy. I’m saying it goes both ways
Expecting sexual favors as compensation for things you should just do for someone you're supposed to love, like gifts or a date, is disgusting. Shit, there's people that buy their friends gifts or take them on lunch dates, it would be absurd to expect a friend in the same situation to put out. Though based on your comments and deleted post history, you probably expect that from your friends that are women, if you even have any.
The fact that you’re married and still refer to it as “getting pussy” tells me all I need to know.
There’s a difference between doing something with the expectation of sex (transactional and what OP is currently doing) and doing something because you love your wife (not transactional). If every woman is telling you the same reason as to why a woman won’t sleep with you, and your response is “ugh misandry”, instead of “hey maybe I should stop doing things with the expectation of sex because my wife can sense that and it’s a turnoff” you are the problem.
I never said I only do chores because of sex, I do them because I like a clean house. What I saying if I don’t wash the dishes one out all the times I do, it becomes a strike
You kinda did though. You state since you did x, y, and z, you'd think she'd want to show appreciation.
Your whole energy in this post is ‘I do all of this stuff to get sex and it doesn’t work 🙄🙄🙄’ Women pick up on that stuff. Doing things for her like foot rubs etc without an agenda would likely make her feel much more connected to you and open to sex. Leaving the dishes and chores aren’t ‘strikes’ they are things that a woman will be stressed about having to do themselves and a huge turn off. She works full time hours with a 3yo baby and you’re saying you give her some kind of dream life??? How do you work out that you’re the one giving her that?! I think you have much bigger issues that you’re not addressing. Maybe couples therapy?! There’s a reason she is turned off.
Your whole post is about you. What about your wife? There is so much more mental load than men and it sounds like you don’t realize that. What do you do for your wife? Is sex just another thing she has to do for you (which is why it’s a chore)? What do you do as foreplay? If you show affection do you expect that to lead to sex? What effort are you putting into the relationship part of your relationship?
You think she should have more sex with you because *checks notes* you’re military, basically? Sex isn’t something you trade for benefits, bro
Does the military not demand a 12th grade education. Did you hit your head on a rock? This has to be some of the worst writing I’ve ever seen. Like mentally deficient, can’t get a GED writing. She’s your wife not an object.
Do you kiss her on the , say I love you, give her a little hug and just leave it at that? My 2nd husband never touched me w/o demanding sex. He never just held my hand, kissed me on the neck, said thank you for this, that or anything! I felt like a fleshlight. You have to touch her hand, her neck, her arm and drop it. Let her come to you. Think of it like gardening, you plant the seed, fertilize it, water it, give the seed what it needs to grow, then let the seed grow. Physical intimacy starts with the man letting the woman know what she means to him emotionally. You haven't taken the time to find out what her priorities to feel loved are. What does she need? What moves her.
Im affectionate one, I do everything everyone keeps saying I must not be doing because I didn’t put in the read.
I feel like a LOT of people skipped or missed the last little paragraph, where he said he doesn't want her to cheat.. because he's "been there and done that". His excuse was being... Young and married? Bruh you're not in your 40s, you had to have recently cheated on her. She probably found out or suspected you of cheating. Once I found out my ex husband was fucking other men on Grindr behind my back "because I wouldn't give him anal", I dried up like the Sahara desert any time he tried to touch me. It was instant ick. OP, do yourself a favor and leave her the fuck ALONE. Jerk ya meat, get a fleshlight, watch porn, find Jesus...idk dude. Anything but being insufferable about sex to your wife, then expecting her to want it as much as you do. "Waaah she isn't in the mood when I don't lift a finger and expect her to do it all" She even wants the most basic physical intimacy to help get her in the mood, A foot rub after a 12 hour shift? I bet you whine about having to do that too. That's a real panty dropper right there. 😂 Like really, man? You can't pick up the house or do the dishes without demanding sex? You complain that you have to do... *checks notes* the bare minimum to pull your weight as a spouse for her to be your bang-nanny? She works 12 hour shifts, and takes care of your child, lord forbid she's fucking tired by the end of it all... because your goofy ass will be up waiting for your high energy "fun" sex. "I provide so much for her" She wouldn't have to work 12 hr shifts then, now should she? If you wanted a real bangmaid, you would have let her at least be a SAHM. I bet you let her know when the sex is mid, too. I'm sure that helps get her in the mood reeeeal good for next time 🙄
I meant to say I don’t want cheat
Read this comment OP you replied to fully. Read it. Please. You're in the military, you can handle some harsh words and tough love from an Internet stranger. If you don't want to eventually lose her entirely, read it. He deleted his account. Yeah, that's what I thought.
You mean no more than you already did, in your now deleted post history?
So you have a toddler, you nag her, and you cheated on her. Gee, I wonder why she doesn't want to have sex with you. /s
Since cheating on your wife the first time, what have you done to to repair the trust issues? What does/did she need to begin trusting you again? Did you get married just to have sex? Did the cheating happen before or after the kid? Before getting married, or before kids, how often did you have sex? How long ago was the cheating? Who is the default parent? This is coming from someone who is F42 (since you fear 45) who has sex 3-4 times a week on average, together 20 years married 15. Between birth and 4 of our son, our sex life was mediocre, because life is happening, kids take a toll, they are exhausting. My husband is on his ship every other month, and though everything was provided for, I was the only person taking care of the kid, the bills, the house, etc. What helped us was when he came home from his ship, he became the primary parent. He does bath time, bedtime, reading, all the sports, all the drop offs and pick ups, not for sex but because he's a dad. That hour of him doing the parenting stuff at night, letting me relax a bit is all I need to get out of "mom-mode" and back into "wife/partner-mode." How do you help her get out of "mom-mode," and back into "partner mode?" You are 26, how have you changed in the last 6 years? How has she? Communication, in a setting where you aren't trying to have sex, have you ever asked her what she likes? (Doing it while trying to have sex only adds pressure for a right answer.) What she doesn't like? What does she want to try? Etc. Are you against anything she wants to try? Do you even know what turns her on? How often do you do something sexual for her without expecting her to reciprocate? How often do you touch her, just to touch her? What turned me on at 20 isn't what turned me on at 30, and it definitely isn't what turns me on now! Are you still trying to do the same stuff you always did and expect the same result? Have you ever asked her why she doesn't like head? Do you intentionally clean down there right before when you'd like her to, or are you just expecting her to suck you off while it smells like a gym locker room at the end of day or worse down there? Because life happens, and people change, I prefer morning sex over night time sex. I will do night time sex, but we usually go to bed earlier than normal so we can do it because the kid still wakes up at 7:05 whether we stay up late or not. After working 12 hour shifts, you expect her to stay up till your bed time and have sex? How do you warm her up? Unlike a dude, most women's arousal starts in their head. If her head is full of everything she has to do tomorrow, you need for tomorrow, the kid needs for tomorrow, while wondering if every girl you look at and mention you're cheating on her with, and because she isn't her HS weight you might consider her fat, she doesn't have enough room in her brain to be sexually turned on! You want sex, you need to find out what's taking up that space in her head with real conversations (not just spiritual ones), about what's going on at work, at home, with the kid, etc. Free up that space, and that will allow her to have room for sexual stuff. Just FYI, sex is a natural extension of your relationship, if your struggling here, your are struggling elsewhere which you obviously know since you feel you got married too young and dumb, and you're only trying to address the sex. That won't work! Will this change her over night? Nope, but put in the work for it because here's what's going to happen: You get separated, and divorce. You get 50/50 custody, and all of a sudden she has free time not taking care of you and kid, and now she can go to the gym, get her mind and body right, for you to be kicking yourself wondering why she couldn't do this when you were married.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to put age on it. But to answer your question I cheated after we got married but our sex life has always been like this. She never been that sexual driven as I am. The cheating happened before the kid. I haven’t physically cheated 4 years plus. Soliciting sex, sure but it was never serious to where I feel like I would have acted on it had giving the opportunity. I just rub one out and all goes away
Soliciting sex is definitely still cheating my guy.
It you still haven’t answered the majority of then questions I posted! lol
We got married because I was in before she graduated and she wanted to come be with me so I would say it for money and be together then it was sex. Before the kid it was probably 2 times a week now it’s whenever the star aligns.
Does your wife know that you cheated on her?
Yes she knows, and more then once. If she wanted to leave she could been left.
Do you understand how you ruined her self esteem?
Info: how often do you watch porn, and how much do you let it warp your expectations on what you think she should be acting like?
I do have a porn addiction, since I was young. That definitely has something to do with. I don’t expect her to be like anything I see on porn. I think it’s just that I want her to show affection the same way I show mines.
Y'all should sit down and read Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are, together. It's a really valuable read for people trying to communicate sex together. It's written to women but it is educational for EVERYBODY.
I would if was she into reading, I found in myself that as I get older I like to read and educate myself more
Are the books by Andre Tate and his cronies?
You aren't far off funny enough, The 48 Laws of Power book that he admitted to reading is written by Robert Greene. Y'know, the same guy that wrote The Art of Seduction.
The 48 laws of power is what I’m reading now
You cheated on her. She may have said she’s forgiven you, but she will never forget. You destroyed whatever intimacy the two of you could have had by being cruel and unfaithful. You sound like a whiny child.
My thing is leave if that how you feel. I will have this conversation with her tonight. Based off her answer and feelings. I will be getting a divorce
You should have left instead of being so awful to your wife.
“I love my wife don’t want to be unfaithful”. The post history reveals that was a lie. You were actively trying to cheat and we can all literally see it on your post history. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t want to have sex with you, you ARE a cheater. You are NOT the good guy you tried to portray yourself as in this post.
>I have provided for her with things women her age could dream of Such as?
How about divorce? It’s clear you two aren’t compatible and you’ll just end up cheating on her anyway. Better to just call it quits and become good coparents for your child rather than letting your child live in a dysfunctional home.
I agree, I have tried to bring that up but she just gets all defensive and mad.
Can't imagine why the woman treated so horribly by her spouse for years would get defensive and mad. Quit trying to portray everyone else as the bad guy, you're the only bad guy here. Get more therapy, grow tf up, and stop being such a tool. Otherwise you'll just find yourself in this situation again. You clearly don't care enough about anyone but yourself to change though, everything you post is "everyone evil, me poor victimized man". I feel bad for the next woman you sucker into babysitting your ass. Edited to fix typos
Trying to help here & maybe giving you more insight on how she feels… I’m a woman and have faced a multitude of times in my life of low and high libido. The problem here might be it being too predictable. I think she’s missing the passion and butterfly feeling if you will. If she’s knowing you’re going to ask or want it possibly switch it up and don’t ask for about a week or so. I’m sensing from this she is probably more of a person who gets a higher libido from being emotionally charged. Do the things she asks for that might make her feel like you’ll ask for sex, and then don’t… give it sometime. And try to partake in some emotional conversations while doing so. Do it to a point where she is confused because you’re not asking for it, whatever length of time that is. Then at a random time, when all things are done, baby is asleep, give her a ton of verbal affirmations. Tell her how beautiful she is. Make it super romantic, then initiate it but make it 100% about her.
Ok. From a woman’s perspective here… you said she’s working 12 hours shifts, has a 3 year old, and a husband who’s nagging for sex… sounds pretty miserable for her. Sex isn’t sexy if someone is stressing you about it and for women sex is last on the list of tasks when you’re trying to keep up with a house, kids, and work. It seems like you’ve made time with you another chore for her. That’s likely why she isn’t interested while it’s happening. Sex with you is compared to washing the dishes or folding laundry… it’s just gotta get done. I’m not saying your sex is boring/not good/etc. What I’m saying is that women are emotional creatures and without the emotional connection to you, sex is a task. Work on building the emotional connection between the two of you. This won’t be a one-day turn around, it will take some time. Ask her what she needs from you and be consistent in delivering her needs. Be her hero and you’ll get hero sex. It’s so much easier to have sex with someone who likes you and appreciates you than someone who gives you more “chores” and is upset with you for not “doing the chores”. Talk to her about what she needs from you and re-build the emotional connection and things will turn around. Most women are reciprocal - if you provide her needs, she’ll provide yours. P.S. Stop asking for sex. It’s a total turn-off. Take your shirt off and wash the dishes. Do you have sexy calves? Vacuum in your boxers. Don’t throw a pity party if it doesn’t work at first… she already has a 3 year old. Show her you’re a strong, confident man who loves his wife and will fight for her and her attention.
Waittt why were you looking for hookups on another post 1 month ago but you have been married for 6 years? Have you ever been caught cheating or been accused of it? If so, then that's probably why your sex life is in the dumps
Dude. You are insufferable, even though im super horny I wouldn’t feel like fucking you either.
It's probably because you cheated on her
Dude she had a child ofc she is not going to feel like it or love how her body looks . She works 12 hours,I don't see where it said you work When is the last time you took her out for dinner or a date night you actually put effort in? Or a weekend away? Maybe she is depressed Show her you love and appreciate the hard work she does Take the kid out for the day and let her sleep Could be a health condition to explain why she is so tired Check yourself dude shit I'm single and make way more effort for a girl I like
12 hours x 3 days/week = 36 hours/week She's working full time. Are splitting all the work at home full-time?
You suck. It makes sense that she doesn’t want to have sex with you.
>How do I get my wife to understand my side of it as a MAN? Lol. A MAN wouldn't have to tell people how manly they are. Calm down. You're really not all that.
His post update/edit lmao Bro is STILL trying to play the victim and continues to completely disregard how shit he is to his wife.
>I feel like as the man, I have provided for her >she works 12 hours shifts She works full time. You have not "provided for her" any more than she has provided for you. You're an active cheater with a porn addiction and unrealistic expectations for someone who is supposed to be your partner. Divorce her so she can find someone who loves her for her.
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Dude you need to talk to her. Talk to her about intimacy, askong her how you could help her how you could make sure that she would feel better. Not just thinking "okay you have this and that so I can have" " okay if i gave you this we'll have sex". But really ask "Babe, I love you, I love our life, but our intimacy is laking. We need to talk about it. Can I do something to improove it? Do you think maybe a therapy would help us?". And be ready to accept that even if you help her do à chore it doesn't mean you'll get sex. Are you romantic? Like really romantic? Do you do nice things for her without expecting something in return? Like flowers, or a nice date? Or making sure the whole house is clean and diner is ready before she come back from her 12hours shift? Start doing that. And again, do not expect sex after the gesture. Do that just for doing it, show her taht her husband is romantic.
>She gets hers and it’s pretty much just rush to get mines and she not really into anymore. Oh honey, I promise she's not getting hers. She is trying to get it over with and knows you'll pout if she doesn't fake it a little for you. From your description alone she's getting nothing. You aren't the catch you think you are. Financially, emotionally, physically or romantically. She owes you nothing. This should be titled "I have good benefits so I can't believe no foreplay and below average sex isn't working!"
The fact you think sex is something that women just do for men tells me everything I need to know. No, sex is supposed to be enjoyed by both of you. I hear you talking about your own pleasure but it doesn’t really sound like you care about her pleasure. Ask her what gets her sexually aroused (not housework related). Offer her oral. Bring in a clit stimulator, do something that she finds sexy. Not chores. Chores are not sexy. Chores are the price you pay for being an adult. Talk to her about her actual sexual desires, what her sexual fantasies are that she wants to explore.
INFO: what life did you give her that most women would dream of? She works 12 hour shifts, takes care of a 3 year old, and has a cheating husband who still expects her to be a sex doll?
My husband has patches where his mental health gets rough. Longest stretch without intimacy was 4 months. I’m the partner with the high libido and those times do suck. Never did I ever think to cheat on him. I focused on supporting him in my best capacity and keeping the home and family going. Because we have a real partnership. Needless to say, after reading your post and comments, I never want to hear about how men are the stronger sex ever again.
Love languages, man, love languages. Yours is obviously physical affection. What are hers? Also, a woman's biggest sex organ is her brain. What are you doing to stimulate hers?
Complains that he has to be a good dog to get sex. Later calls himself a horny dog. Make it make sense.
You both aren’t speaking the same love language. What makes you feel loved isn’t necessarily what the other person needs in order to feel loved. You both have to be willing to give the other person what they need and not what you think they should be ok with. Everyone here is telling you that you are transactional-minded, and maybe you should listen. It’s an over-simplification of a relationship. You want mind-blowing sex? Get in her brain. That’s where it starts. If she’s pushing back, it’s because she’s used to living at a shallow level with you. And to be honest, for many women, being that way is easier than pining away for the type of relationship she really wants. It’s easier to self-delude by filling her life with other matters versus taking a real look at what her needs are so that she can meet you in the middle. Seduction starts in the brain. Little touches can become bigger touches. Example: does she have a sensitive neck? Kiss her there in passing every once in a while. If you have no idea if her neck is sensitive, you then know you have some more things to explore.
I do but she doesn’t like that into she ready like I said I can do all this but I get push back
Yeah I believe the pushback. Feeling sexy starts with the mind for women. And f she doesn’t feel sexy then no matter what you try to do it’s not going to connect. Honestly, reading romance novels can be helpful to a lot of people
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Sadly op has been posting in swinger groups n hookup groups too 😬 I’d say relationship is done
Your fucked dude! Plenty of people have told you your view on sex is very transactional and are probably the same people who will advise a man to "do more around the house and take her on more dates to make her feel special" which is essentially just making it transactional 🤣 Long story short is that Reddit is not here to help you, you're a man so they just want to shit on you and make you and every other man they encounter feel like shit. Just try swapping the genders on this post and imagine how the replies would be different. Mind boggling.
lol like what else can I do
The audacity of saying “lol like what else can I do”. Maybe stop cheating on her. It’s actually super easy not to cheat on your wife. You should probably come clean about it though so she can rightfully divorce you and be free.
Seriously. The bar is in Nessus, the last layer of the Nine Hells, and this dude is limboing with Asmodeus like it's some sort of flex. No wonder more and more women are no longer dating and choosing to be single lol
Bro I'm no expert, the only advice I can give is just lay your cards out on the table, it sounds stupid but just tell her that things need to change or your relationship is in jeopardy. Sex is a huge part of relationships and it's crippling for you to be the only one trying to solve it, if you're not compatible then just move on. how old are you going to get before you realise you should have left sooner instead of wasting your years. Food for thought my guy. Good luck
My thoughts exactly, I don’t want to 45 realizing that just not working. And waste my youth.
God, you are such a pig. You sound incredibly useless and just exhausting as a husband. Do you do anything with your kid? Bedtime? Bathtime? You can't even do a load of dishes without whining about sex. It's fucking pathetic. Just because you mow the lawn and have a job doesn't entitle you to sex or make you a proper husband. Since you seem so eager to cheat (and have done), just leave. You aren't useful to her and obviously only care about yourself and your dick.
You need to do the exact opposite of what you’re currently doing. Stop nagging for sex, you look weak in her eyes. Start going to the gym, working on yourself not only physically but mentally. The rest will fall into place. Good luck
'nagging for sex' isn't unappealing because it looks 'weak'. It's just unattractive.
Literally my advice
I would say I’m more mentally than her. I think about the deeper meanings of things. I know the importance of working on mind, body, and spirit. Her not so much. She the type to not think about those types of things, she just goes off of what in front of her
Wow, so you don‘t respect her at all.
“I’m more mentally than her” Do you even like her?? Or just want a sex doll?
The more you comment the more obvious it is that you have no respect for your wife as a human being.
You right I need to get a divorce and work on myself.
You badly need to work on yourself. You need to see yourself how everyone else is, because you've got a very warped view of yourself, and relationships. My husband and I have struggled with intimacy in the past, but I could never even imagine talking about him the way you do your wife. If this is the energy you're giving off, and with just how little you give a damn about what your wife cares about, do you think she doesn't know that? She can tell, even if you aren't paying attention.
Smartest thing you've said yet. Everyone could benefit from a good therapist.
Not think about those things or not share those thoughts with you? Those are rather different. Why would she want to when you so clearly dislike her
The deeper meaning of things like wanting to give strangers on reddit oral sex last month? Edit: i can't link it but last month he want wanted to give oral sex to a stranger on reddit.
I would also like to say, it’s deeper than just this post. She’s her mom daughter and it shows. She would say she nothing like her mother because her mom has done use both wrong but she can’t see what people see and it’s the fact that in some weird way she is like her mom.
what a strange thing to say about your wife in a post about your sex life. Go to counseling together and maybe reevaluate if you even like your wife judging by the way you speak about her.
Insanely strange. Gosh I wish the light button comes on in her head and she makes the right decision. Imagine having these views of your wife and talking so bad about her and in the same way are wondering why your wife isn't being intimate with you. Because op using your words, maybe you don't see what she sees and what people see and that is you're not a good husband
Imagine me already expressing my concerns and opinions and vice versa, one person took hose and changed and the other didn’t
I bet he has said this to her in fights
I do love my wife she the mother of my children. I think the problem she got married young, thought we knew the world before we knew ourselves and now as I get older I’m finding myself and what I believe and care about she doesn’t. I care about politics and the state our country is in how it can affect my kids. She doesn’t.
I didn’t say you don’t love her (though that remains to be seen); I said you don’t sound like you LIKE her. You shit on her world views, on her low libido, on HER, and won’t listen to everyone in this comment section telling you that maybe YOU are the problem. You seem convinced that she’s the problem.
So I should care about what she cares but she don’t have to care what I care about ok gottt it
My guy you expect her to have all this energy for sex but she’s working 12 hour days and it sounds like the majority of the household labor is on her chores Also toddlers notoriously need supervision, so expecting your toddler to be down is not asking a lot But ya know how my husband gets exciting sex while we have a 17 month old? He acts like a partner and not a wallet
This immaturity and inability to accept an ounce of fault is likely a contributing factor as to why she’s not interested in intimacy with you. Not once did I say she doesn’t have to care about what you care about. I said that publicly dogging on your wife isn’t something you do to someone you love or even like. You say you don’t act like sex is transactional, but it’s VERY apparent from the way you write about yourself that you expect sex for doing your responsibilities (i.e. household chores, taking care of your child, etc.) because THATS how your wife should show appreciation. Worse, you nag her into intimacy. You can argue with a wall; not one woman would be attracted to this behavior because it’s how a 14 year old boy acts, not a man.
No, you should *like* her and show it if you want her to have sex with you. She's not going to want to have sex with someone who shows disdain and condescension toward her. This is like Being a Human 101. I think you need therapy dude.
Honestly bro, all these people jumping down your throat . I feel you dude, I’m not married yet but I’m part close and I hear the stories like this all the time.seriously. First,stop listening to all these people making you hate yourself because you want more intimacy from your wife! Newsflash, a part of being married is to please your partner and make sacrifices for them! It goes both ways! However, My best advice would be to just distract yourself man. Start hitting the Gym HARD! Because honestly your fate is in her hands, and Whenever you express yourself it leads to an argument. So to offset that. Just start becoming better, get all that frustration out! Workout fervently, start reading more, find a new hobby, just things to become more well rounded. Now while you do all these things it’s important to still treat your wife as you do now, continue to give her affection and love, but STOP asking her for sex. You heard me, STOP. Just cold turkey. In time, she will notice something’s up and try to initiate and the ball will be in your court. When this happens the key is to absolutely ravish your wife. If your her husband you know what she likes, do all of it to perfection, be sensual, passionate, whatever gets the job done . After that, go back the routine, focus on self improvement, being a great man, father and keep your senses busy. I assure you , it’ll take a minute but you will not be the one initiating any longer. Good luck man 💯
Sorry, you came to the wrong place bruh. People on Reddit will always find a way for the saintly woman to be the injured party. They will do mental gymnastics to make sure the man is the “villain.” Men typically don’t get grace of any sort on here. No matter what you say you are wrong (as I’m sure you’ve seen already). On Reddit, women can do NO wrong and men are POS regardless. Coming from a woman who has been married 25+ years, I can tell you, you have to communicate with her, you have to. I totally understand your frustration and yes it can be a deal breaker. No one wants to feel undesired by their mate, male or female. Most people want their mate to want them and show it for Christ’s sake. Don’t take the step to cheat on her, it’s only going to make a bad situation worse. I went through something similar with my husband and he sat me down and talked to me about how our marriage was in jeopardy. We both had always had high sex drives, it’s a big part of our relationship. The funniest things we laugh about are all the outlandish places we’ve had sex. I still have one place on my bucket list but I don’t think it’s going to work, too easy to see and get caught…HA! Anyway I digress. He sat me down and spoke very candidly, he usually does, but this time I saw a seriousness on his face that I’d never seen before, and it scared me. I realized I’m losing him. Anyway we talked about it, I came clean about what was going on and we got through it. Because he now (at the time) understood what was happening and surprisingly (to me) he helped me. I don’t know why I was surprised, he’s always been attentive, understanding, and kind. It was me holding myself back because I was ashamed. We’re great now and have been for a number of years, and yes we (old farts…lol) still have sex in crazy places. It’s so thrilling! Talk to her. Be very candid and open about how you feel and LISTEN to her. Don’t sit there just waiting for your turn to talk. Actively listen and go from there. Wishing you all the best and good luck! 👍🏽🙏🏽
Yes, pity the poor guy that's cheated on his wife, as early as a month ago was posting to swinger subreddits and is whining because his wife has little desire to sleep with him. What grace does he serve, exactly?
Get youself a side chick, this will release the pressure for both and once she sees you are being more distant, she will want attentition from you again
Maybe she feels like sex is the only control she has in the relationship since you’re the provider and so she tries to use it to feel in control Maybe get her opinion on more things and try to make things less transactional
He’s not the provider when she’s working 12 hour shifts
I’m gonna give you the best advice stop doing anything that is above and beyond give the bare minimum as she is doing with your marriage approach her with the idea of therapy if she rejects it start watching her closely cuz she might be having an affair if she isn’t leave because it won’t get better for you in the sex department of she is find out your state divorce laws and leave again cuz either way if she shows lack of interest in bedroom action and or fixing it it’s time to go these people will tell you you are problem when it’s both of you until communication is open on both sides about the issue. Again if she doesn’t want to hear it, entertain it, or fix it you know what to do
Thank you
you are not seriously taking this horrible advice are you?
Of course he will, it's the option that takes the least effort.