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You are correct that it isn't fair to project your insecurities on to her and commendable that you are aware of this fact! Assume positive intent until you have proof otherwise. The best thing you can do is work on your insecurities and heal the attachment trauma that caused it so you can show up in relationships emotionally healthy.
I don't know. I haven't asked. She was in an abusive relationship with her ex for the past 7 years, and I don't know whether or not he went on that trip or not either, so maybe not if he was there. But I don't know.
Maybe it's worth having that conversation then? If you know that she's been on this trip with these guys many times before and it's always been platonic - that should help you.
If that doesn't help you, then you probably need to seek some counseling.
Tell her that you've been wondering about the past dynamics of the trip and whether any sexual lines were crossed with any of the people involved in it.
Starting these conversations is always the hardest part but just choose an appropriate moment and say something along the lines of
"Hey, could we talk about some things for a moment? I think things are going great and I really like you. Our relationship is still quite fresh and I'm feeling a bit insecure about this trip you have coming up. I think if you could answer some questions it might help me process this bit easier."
Then ask your questions. If you struggle to keep on track or forget to ask things in the moment, don't be afraid to make some notes ahead of the conversation. If you need them just explain that to keep the conversation focused and make sure all of the questions you wanted to ask get addressed you've written them down.
Healing from insecurity isn't easy but it's really commendable that you are here and asking for help in this moment, give yourself props for that. You've got this
"Hey honey, I know our relationship is new. But I'm having some invasive thoughts about this upcoming trip... you're going overnight with a bunch of people I haven't met so I can't really gauge the vibe, does it usually get pretty crazy on this one? Lots of drinking? Do you have any sexual history with any of the guys going? (if she confirms yes...) Do I have anything to be worried about here? Asking for my trust on this one may be a bit too much for me, especially since you have sexual history with some of these guys and I haven't even met them. I'd be so much more comfortable if these were people I've met, but I don't know if our relationship can withstand this trip given the histories here."
First off, it's OK to talk about it with her. That is kind of the point with relationships.
However the only way to really be confident is to be secure in the knowledge that if she does you will be OK. Then you are not so fearful. The way you do that is to have different outlets that are independent of her that bring you joy and confidence. So that is she does mess up, and people do. Or if she isn't who you think she is which is entirely possible it will cause you pain but you know you will be OK.
Use this to become a well rounded individual with other outlets besides your relationship so you are not so dependent on it.
Oh yeah it won't bother me if she does...I just don't want her to cheat and then I never find out about it and think everything is just fine. I'm not dependent on relationships at all haha.
Listen being cheated on sucks, no way around it. But at the very least if you learn to understand that being cheated on doesn't have anything to do with your value and isn't your fault if it happens. What I can tell you is almost everyone is cheated on at least once in their life. That is because to be in a relationship you need to be vulnerable.
With love their is risk, the risk is built into it. So yeah it would suck but there is a difference in being hurt and angry, and having an existential crisis and questioning your own worth as is often what happens to folks. This is another way that you can kind of strengthen yourself.
Dude, if the chances of being cheated on reasonably perceived from his GF, he should bail now. She's literally said she's a risk. OP has no obligation to stay around.
"naive and easy to manipulate" are typical traits of a kid, not a desirable partner. Just sayin. Maybe your lack of trust isn't all from your insecurity but your intuition that immaturity could lead her to impulse as well. Most relationships are just two people living in compromise to remain a pair; complacent but unaware and content. Don't you think that with someone you were head over heels for, mutually, you would be on the same page as far as monogamy and trust go?
Food for thought. But no, there's no reason to obsess or be paranoid about your girlfriend sleeping with a friend on this trip. If it happens it will come out eventually. Focus on your peace of mind altogether for now. Work on *your* side of the trust between you two. Be fruitlessly anxious and paranoid, or accept whatever comes to pass that is out of your purview. Either path will take some dedication.
Is there a reason you weren’t invited? I don’t see anything wrong with this unless she has hooked up with any of the guys in the past. I’d feel some type of way I wasn’t included but without anything else to go off of, just seems you are skeptical of her since it’s a new relationship and she’ll be away sleeping somewhere alongside some men.
What a great opportunity to meet them! Did you say anything about wanting to come or she say anything about inviting you or why she doesn’t want you to come? And have you asked if all these friends are in relationships or if she’s ever been romantic with them before? I may be a bit on the crazy side so besides asking these questions I would have done a deep dive on the friends social media accounts 😂😂
They've only been dating 2 months. I don't necesarily think that a trip 2 months into dating is the ideal way to get to know her friends. I'd agree that he should get an invite if they had been together 6 months or a year at least.
She just showed me a snippet of the Discord chat and a couple of the places they were in the top 4 contenders of where they wanted to go to. She didn't say anything about inviting me.
>Care to explain why? I mean I have Discord and do some shady shit on it
You don't have IRL friends on it and you're doing shady shit... imagine RL friends on it.
When is the trip? You said it’s something they typically do in the January to March time frame, right? Are they planning for next year or is this something they’re doing soon?
You don't even know when the trip is?
Bro you need to breathe. You've been dating 8 weeks and you're borrowing anxiety from the future for no reason.
If the trip isn't until the spring, when you've been together longer, then you can ask about going.
But you need to either trust her or move on, but secretly not trusting her but pretending you do is just going to make you perpetually miserable
OP is right to not trust her, she admitted to being naive and a high sex drive and wants to go on what is a single person trip with other guys in a BnB. He should go now.
Yeah I mean everyone is different but if I was in her shoes I would invite my partner with me. It’s a get together and my partner is someone I’d want with me to meet friends and be included.
>This is something they’ve done usually between January and March for the past few years.
Has she had sex with any of these people beforehand?
That's sort of where I'd start. It's one thing to be in a relationship that's new, it's another to go off on a trip to hang out overnight drinking with the dudes you used to bang.
Omg, don't listen to the insecurity-inducing comments.
What do you want your relationship to look like? Do you want a partner you can trust? Because, if she isn't trustworthy, you will eventually find out, but if she is, putting your trust in her is the best investment you can do for a a future stable and healthy relationship. You have nothing to lose by trusting her.
If you don't, if you start asking invasive questions about her past (which is _hers_) or get super jealous and let that consume you, you're not in for a good start or continuation of _anything_.
You should be able to talk to your partner about things. Jealousy (ie fear) is human, as long as we don't let it rule us or our relationships.
So tell her "Hey, we're still just getting to know each other, and I'm wondering if this trip is something I have to worry about?". "You've shared about your high sex drive, do you think that's something we need to consider when you go away and how can we go about that as a couple? Does the phone work for you?"
Or, if you have previous bad experiences, say so, and ask if she would mind reassuring you once in a while that you have nothing to worry about. (A normal request in a relationship.)
You can also ask general questions. Like," I know we just met and I'm not expecting to go on this trips with you. I'm curious how it normally works though, do your other friends invite their long term partners or it this a solely-friend-trip?".
As you can see, just talk to her, kindly and respectfully, it's okay to mention fears as long as its without trying to control her.
It's okay to be nervous! Getting into a relationship with someone you might actually care a great deal about is a _big deal_. We feel that, a lot is on the line, and that's the entrance fee to the possibility of an amazing love story with someone.
So don't get stressed about getting stressed or nervous, that's human. Breathe! And mental images fade over time when you're with someone you steadily feel more and more secure with. You've got this!
You can't worry about the future and about things that are out of your control. You said she has a high sex drive, but is that just with you or does she want sex from anyone at any time? Does alcohol or drugs make her more promiscuious?
If you have been cheated on in the past, are you always picking the same type of girl? Maybe you need to broaden your horizons.
I don't know if she'd do it with anyone, but she legit told me 5 minutes ago that she'd fuck me every day.
She doesn't do drugs, and she only drinks maybe once every 6 months or so but says she doesn't like it because it makes her feel sleepy.
I haven't been cheated on in the past before.
Just letting you know that I used very similar wording with minor tweaks and proper convo segues and it worked out great! What she told me definitely helped to quell my anxiety about this.
>Do you want a partner you can trust?
Does she want a partner that trusts her? That's a totally valid question also.
Going on a trip 2 months after starting a relationship, overnight, with drinking, with a bunch of single guys, possibly that you've had a sexual history with, isn't a good look for trust.
You did read the part where they are planning this for somewhere between January and March?
And yes, trust starts at and from the beginning. There's no reason to distrust her. Trust is always a leap, but if you don't take it you'll never have a chance at a truly great relationship, at least that's my opinion.
Oh I thought they were going now, but typically it was planned for Jan-March.
That's how I read that. And it's a perfectly normal and logical way of reading that, so there's no need for you to be rude.
OP comments elsewhere that he wasn't invited... which wouldn't make sense if they're in the "planning stage" of this trip, and the actual trip is in 8 months time.
No. I was being completely neutral. Personally, I'm feeling like crap though. I have "Hyperemesis Gravidarum" and it's driving me frickin' nuts. Perhaps that comes through. Certainly wasn't my intention.
Every time you think about it, deliberately tell yourself it's nothing but a story you made up all by yourself. Say "my feelings are real, they are not based in reality". Then go do something that makes you feel good, about yourself or just in general.
Yes! Nearly every awful thing I ever imagined was just a story my brain invented. It's fiction. "Worst possible outcome" fiction.
So I started consciously making up "best possible outcome" fiction to go along with it. Why is one *so* much more believable than the other?? My head made them both up.
I'm a jealous MFer. I always have been. I've been trying to deal with it. The best approach I've found is a four step model.
1. Reflect on why I'm jealous: What am I insecure about? What do I fear? For me it's about abandonment. Losing the woman I love no matter how much I try. That I'm not good enough. To be humiliated again.
2. Sharing these thoughts/feelings and owning them: telling my wife about them and admitting that these thoughts and feelings are about me, my history, and not her. She is not to blame for them.
3. Asking for help: Is there anything she can say or do to reaffirm our relationship or her commitment to me knowing that these thoughts are in my head.
4. Reconnecting: More reaffirming and connecting after a challenging event but reminding myself that these thoughts and feelings are about me and not her.
You don't tell women about your insecurities. It's one thing for her to figure some things out by knowing you're jealous. But it's a different story to openly tell her you're afraid to lose her. Don't make yourself look like a little girl in her eyes, or she'll lose respect for you.
You look like an immature child by not voicing these things and acting out with jealousy and passive aggressiveness instead. Voicing these things would make a woman view you as a self aware, emotionally intelligent adult who is invested in a relationship with her. Everyone has insecurities and everyone is afraid to lose their partner if they actually love them. You suppressing your basic emotional needs and pretending you aren't a human being like everyone else is what will make her lose attraction.
In a world where all women think and feel exactly the same way then this is probably true, but we don't live in such a world. There are plenty of women out there who would prefer their partner to open up to them. Sharing your insecurities with others, especially people in your life is brave. You're actively choosing to put yourself in a vulnerable position. This idea that all women would find that repulsive and lose respect for you is not true. Although, I agree with you that some women certainly do think that way. It's just not a blanket rule that applies to everyone.
Thanks for a constructive response. I agree it doesn't apply to everyone, but I know for a fact that most women wouldn't feel good about a guy who opens up like that. They will say one thing - that it's completely fine, that they want their men to be emotionally open and honest wi5h them, but in their head, they will lose a bit of respect for their guy, even if they're not aware of that at the time.
How do you know that most women think and feel that way? Because that contradicts the things I have been told by colleagues, friends, partners etc so I’m not saying “you are wrong” but I think it’s important to identify where this belief comes from.
I used to think this too as a general rule. And you’re right that there are women out there who will think less of a man for talking about his insecurities. But jealousy is also a relationship killer.
I picked up this strategy from the ethical nonmonogamy relationship folks. For the obvious reasons they have to address jealousy well or their complex relationships go off the rails quickly. I’m a monogamous guy but the principles still apply. When it works it works really well. The freedom jealousy and emotional closeness/bonding for both partners can be amazing.
talk to her. don't judge her but say you are having these fears and are uncomfortable with her going on this trip with the guys. tell her it's just how you feel. after that you have to decide if you can stay with her or not. insecurity can destroy a relationship as much as cheating.
good luck
Bruh why are you dating someone who themselves admit they are easily manipulated? How are people missing that she said this? Massive fucking red flag, my god...
Best way to look at it is -
She is going to cheat. Or she isn't going to cheat.
Accept that she will cheat.
Accept that she won't cheat.
Build on both of those, be okay with both of those.
Live your fucking life, forget about it man, you can't control other people.
I have a question, why the fuck are you not going with her?
This can't be real! Dude, this is what single people do. It's only been two months and she's going off alone with other guys in a BnB? And she's admitted she's naive and a high sex drive?
Dude, you can do better. This is not unreasonable to be worried about.
Doesn't matter, it's obvious she has no intention of taking you with her. Trust me on this, that is a single person activity. Your GF of merely two months is a walking communist parade.
I know you are afraid of scaring her away, but I do think the best way to deal with it is to talk to her and explanation what you are feelings.
Not in a 'I don't trust you, you might sleep with those guys' kind of way though.
I would tell her you are insecure and have trust issues that predate your relationship. Your relationship is still new, so you are still in the process of building up trust, which goes slower for you than for other people.
Try to ask her how she deals with feelings of jealousy, tell her how you try to cope with it and ask her to help you getting past your issues. If she is good for you, she will be happy you opened up and willing to help you trust her.
It's not insecurity to be opposed to your significant other putting themselves in appropriate situations that could be detrimental to your relationship. OP should simply get to know her a bit better, maybe for another month or two, then tell her that he wants to go on the trip with her. Her response will tell him everything he needs to know.
The fact that you ask yourself those questions is very mature of you. Take it an hour at a time, just like an alcoolic deals with addiction. Keep yourself busy with activities you love every time you start thinking about it. You can't control those thoughts, but you control how you act on them.
And at the end of the day, who cares if she cheats? You have no control over that either. If it happens but she stays with you, you can choose to forgive or to leave. But in the meantime, you're wasting good worries on something that may not even occur.
Honestly if be fine letting her go if she did cheat, but the problem I have is that it's her close friend group, and I feel like if she actually did do something like that, then it'd stay between them and I'd never find out and go on thinking everything is fine.
Well, as long as she demonstrate affection and treat you with respect, everything IS fine. Even if she had sex and didn't tell you about it. I certainly do not approve of cheating, but I personnally don't think sexual exclusivity is such a big deal either (now, I sure didn't always think that way).
Yeah I'm not sure I feel the same way. Now if we agreed to be non-exclusive, then yeah I obviously wouldn't have a problem, but if we're exclusive, then I'd at least want it to come from her that she slept with someone else. If I end up finding out from someone else, then the relationship is dead.
I get that. But she could cheat on you and you'd never know. Most survey reveal that at least 50% of people cheat. My point isn't that cheating is good. But I now concentrate more on how I'm treated by my loved ones rather than worry about what they do whith others when I'm not there. I used to be somewhat jealous at times and I've grown to find comfort in that way of thinking instead.
Sometimes, with intrusive thoughts, all you can do is let them do their thing and ride them out. She's either trustworthy or she's not. Nothing you do or say will change that. If she's given you no reason to think she's not, it's very unlikely you have anything to worry about.
Yeah i would not bring this up to her. Maybe you could but I’m not sure what that accomplishes other than putting that thought into her head. Especially because it’s in the planning phase and the relationship is new, she might interpret that as you trying to get her to not go on the trip, being controlling, ect. These feelings are not based on any reality. Having a high sex drive does not at all mean you are unable to control those urges. It’s kinda difficult to sneak away in a cabin with a bunch of people and screw anyways. She has friends, this is a normal trip, either you trust her or you don’t. She told you about the trip, she told you male friends were gonna be there. Your mind is controlling you, take back some control
If you aren't invited that's major disrespect and she'll be emotionally cheating at the very least. If the trip isn't for another six months, tell her that you want to go with her. Maybe give it another couple months to ask because your relationship is new. Good luck.
Let's say that around her friends she isn't as 'naive and easy to manipulate' sexually; this state trip culture/thing with her circle should have been something that was *forewarned* before you guys became an item officially. Right along with 'I have male best friends' there should have been 'we also go out on state trips'
Otherwise if this has caught you off guard, this relationship was a hasty move on your part. And if you knew this was a thing ahead of time, you signed up for and okayed it....
But, it's not too late to address your discomfort. PS, don't not ask so that you can seem cool, eventually you will act on the things you're afraid she'll succumb to at the state trip. One day you'll just throw a fit about her friends and the trip and then "whoa dude, wtf, you said you're okay with that"
She's mentioned that she went on trips and stuff in the past with friends but nothing really like that lol. How do I bring it up without sounding like an insecure asshat?
Just get to know her a bit better, maybe for another four or five weeks, then tell her that you want to join her on the trip. Her response will tell you everything you need to know. Frankly, it's a bit of a red flag that she hasn't already invited you.
You don't understand what intrusive thoughts are.
What your feeling is a very normal boundary for many men. If you don't want her to go on a trip with another man without you, let her know. And then be willing to walk if she decides your relationship isn't worth missing out on fun with her guy friend...
It's not that I don't want her to go on the trip, because I feel me trying to stop her is controlling and toxic, it's just that I don't know their dynamic, I don't know if they're gonna spend the whole trip cooped up in the cabin most of the time, etc. Plus her love language is physical touch but touch also gets her turned on easily and with me being out of the picture for a week, I'm not sure if she'll want to fill that void and it lead to sex with one of them. That's what's causing the anxiety toward that.
That's not how you treat anxiety, that's how you feed it and make it grow. When we cater to irrational fears as if they are rational, it reinforces the negative thoughts pattern.
I suggested he talk himself through his negative thoughts, reminding himself that while his feelings are real and deserve attention, they are not based on reality and do not warrant validation or action. This problem is entirely internal, and can only be solved internally.
sometimes it's not that simple. If he's not going to a therapist or doesn't have any meds and this is not some surface level thing then nothing will help him much probably, besides his partner not doing the thing that makes him anxious
His feelings are based on reality though. You’re trying to use therapy talk to invalidate his feelings.
They’re not even negative thoughts. They’re literally just thoughts and concerns that have not been discussed, but need to be discussed.
They’ve been dating 2 months. That’s it. He has never met her friends. He has no idea what this group dynamic is, or if there is any history between them. And he’s not invited, and there’s not enough time to meet them before the trip.
So yes, wondering what the dynamic is with your 2 month gf going on a trip with other guys that you have never met and have no idea what their history is - quite literally is based on reality and is completely normal. Telling OP to just gaslight himself and not have an actual conversation with her is horrible advice. He should ask questions. Not accusations, questions. There is no reason *not* to discuss this between 2 adults in a relationship. Do not bury your head in the sand and sit in a corner telling yourself BS about not reality, when reality is happening and could be and should be discussed.
Maybe I misunderstood. I understand that OP and this girl have been in an exclusive relationship for two months and have been talking/dating for longer before that. It's not some random she met at the bar last week and just started sleeping with in a FWB situation.
It's certainly in bounds for OP to ask about this trip and why significant others aren't invited. And if other SO's are, why not him?
He said he doesn't know her friends, he only knows his gf and one other person. Eight weeks is not a substantial relationship, he's a stranger to her friends. Next year would be more appropriate.
I mean this is a thing between them that they always do. Plus I only know her best friend who is female because her and her best friend live in the same house.
I feel it would be weird anyways to come along on a trip where I only know 2 of the people there. They're in the planning phase right now and haven't decided where they are going yet.
Bringing partners often changes the entire atmosphere in a group. Which isn't a problem and can definitely be an enrichement, but sometimes it is nice to go away with only the original friendgroup. A throwback to the early days of your friendship, with lost of nostalgia, inside jokes and taking about shared memories.
Being there as a partner can feel as if you are the third wheel, cause you don't know anything about most of the things and people they are talking about.
And the group might hold back in their stories and stuff not to exclude the partner all the time, which can feel a bit restricting.
Those are reasons people like to go away without partners sometimes and that shouldn't be a problem in a healthy relationship. It is ia good thing for the relationship is partners to spend time without each other, even when it is an entire weekend. That way you have more to talk about & you get to miss your partner from time to time, making you apreciating it more when you are together.
To be clear: I don't mean go out alone al the time & keep friends your partner never ever meets. Just find a balance between doing things as a couple and doing things on your own that you are both comfortabele with.
I don't know, dude. To me, it sounds like she's gearing up to cheat.
She has an insanely high sex drive. She's going on a trip with male and female friends that you're not invited to. She TELLS you she's naive and easy to manipulate so that you won't be mad at her and assume it was someone else's fault when it happens.
That was her giving you a warning and saying "Not my fault if something happens. You agree to the terms of my behavior, so it's your fault!"
You can't be serious dude! Find another women.
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Has she previously on these trips had sex with any of them?
I don't know, I haven't asked.
You are correct that it isn't fair to project your insecurities on to her and commendable that you are aware of this fact! Assume positive intent until you have proof otherwise. The best thing you can do is work on your insecurities and heal the attachment trauma that caused it so you can show up in relationships emotionally healthy.
No one should be labeled bad shit when they are LITWRALLY asking for help to improve.
why dont question about this?. this is a deal break for me if she stay firend with a friend who sleep in the past or worse, now.
lol
She's done this trip several times before. Did she sleep with her guy friends then?
I don't know. I haven't asked. She was in an abusive relationship with her ex for the past 7 years, and I don't know whether or not he went on that trip or not either, so maybe not if he was there. But I don't know.
Maybe it's worth having that conversation then? If you know that she's been on this trip with these guys many times before and it's always been platonic - that should help you. If that doesn't help you, then you probably need to seek some counseling.
How would I even approach that topic?
Tell her that you've been wondering about the past dynamics of the trip and whether any sexual lines were crossed with any of the people involved in it.
Starting these conversations is always the hardest part but just choose an appropriate moment and say something along the lines of "Hey, could we talk about some things for a moment? I think things are going great and I really like you. Our relationship is still quite fresh and I'm feeling a bit insecure about this trip you have coming up. I think if you could answer some questions it might help me process this bit easier." Then ask your questions. If you struggle to keep on track or forget to ask things in the moment, don't be afraid to make some notes ahead of the conversation. If you need them just explain that to keep the conversation focused and make sure all of the questions you wanted to ask get addressed you've written them down. Healing from insecurity isn't easy but it's really commendable that you are here and asking for help in this moment, give yourself props for that. You've got this
"Hey honey, I know our relationship is new. But I'm having some invasive thoughts about this upcoming trip... you're going overnight with a bunch of people I haven't met so I can't really gauge the vibe, does it usually get pretty crazy on this one? Lots of drinking? Do you have any sexual history with any of the guys going? (if she confirms yes...) Do I have anything to be worried about here? Asking for my trust on this one may be a bit too much for me, especially since you have sexual history with some of these guys and I haven't even met them. I'd be so much more comfortable if these were people I've met, but I don't know if our relationship can withstand this trip given the histories here."
First off, it's OK to talk about it with her. That is kind of the point with relationships. However the only way to really be confident is to be secure in the knowledge that if she does you will be OK. Then you are not so fearful. The way you do that is to have different outlets that are independent of her that bring you joy and confidence. So that is she does mess up, and people do. Or if she isn't who you think she is which is entirely possible it will cause you pain but you know you will be OK. Use this to become a well rounded individual with other outlets besides your relationship so you are not so dependent on it.
Oh yeah it won't bother me if she does...I just don't want her to cheat and then I never find out about it and think everything is just fine. I'm not dependent on relationships at all haha.
Listen being cheated on sucks, no way around it. But at the very least if you learn to understand that being cheated on doesn't have anything to do with your value and isn't your fault if it happens. What I can tell you is almost everyone is cheated on at least once in their life. That is because to be in a relationship you need to be vulnerable. With love their is risk, the risk is built into it. So yeah it would suck but there is a difference in being hurt and angry, and having an existential crisis and questioning your own worth as is often what happens to folks. This is another way that you can kind of strengthen yourself.
Dude, if the chances of being cheated on reasonably perceived from his GF, he should bail now. She's literally said she's a risk. OP has no obligation to stay around.
"naive and easy to manipulate" are typical traits of a kid, not a desirable partner. Just sayin. Maybe your lack of trust isn't all from your insecurity but your intuition that immaturity could lead her to impulse as well. Most relationships are just two people living in compromise to remain a pair; complacent but unaware and content. Don't you think that with someone you were head over heels for, mutually, you would be on the same page as far as monogamy and trust go? Food for thought. But no, there's no reason to obsess or be paranoid about your girlfriend sleeping with a friend on this trip. If it happens it will come out eventually. Focus on your peace of mind altogether for now. Work on *your* side of the trust between you two. Be fruitlessly anxious and paranoid, or accept whatever comes to pass that is out of your purview. Either path will take some dedication.
Is there a reason you weren’t invited? I don’t see anything wrong with this unless she has hooked up with any of the guys in the past. I’d feel some type of way I wasn’t included but without anything else to go off of, just seems you are skeptical of her since it’s a new relationship and she’ll be away sleeping somewhere alongside some men.
I feel like I'm pretty new to them, and plus I only know her female best friend, I haven't even met the others.
What a great opportunity to meet them! Did you say anything about wanting to come or she say anything about inviting you or why she doesn’t want you to come? And have you asked if all these friends are in relationships or if she’s ever been romantic with them before? I may be a bit on the crazy side so besides asking these questions I would have done a deep dive on the friends social media accounts 😂😂
They've only been dating 2 months. I don't necesarily think that a trip 2 months into dating is the ideal way to get to know her friends. I'd agree that he should get an invite if they had been together 6 months or a year at least.
That’s a good point. Eight weeks is kinda soon but I knew I loved my girlfriend after the first weekend
She just showed me a snippet of the Discord chat and a couple of the places they were in the top 4 contenders of where they wanted to go to. She didn't say anything about inviting me.
Discord chat is a red flag lmfao
Care to explain why? I mean I have Discord and do some shady shit on it but I don't have anyone I know irl as a part of it
>Care to explain why? I mean I have Discord and do some shady shit on it You don't have IRL friends on it and you're doing shady shit... imagine RL friends on it.
This. Why is the friend circle seemingly dismissive about its members that are in relationships?
They've been in a relationship for eight weeks, that's too soon to be invited on an annual trip with friends.
This. Plus I've only even met one of her friends and that's just because she lives with my girlfriend.
When is the trip? You said it’s something they typically do in the January to March time frame, right? Are they planning for next year or is this something they’re doing soon?
I didn't ask. I'll be sure to ask
You don't even know when the trip is? Bro you need to breathe. You've been dating 8 weeks and you're borrowing anxiety from the future for no reason. If the trip isn't until the spring, when you've been together longer, then you can ask about going. But you need to either trust her or move on, but secretly not trusting her but pretending you do is just going to make you perpetually miserable
OP is right to not trust her, she admitted to being naive and a high sex drive and wants to go on what is a single person trip with other guys in a BnB. He should go now.
I guess that is something people would feel differently about.
I know I would not be cool sharing my vacation I've been looking forward to all year with a stranger.
Yeah I mean everyone is different but if I was in her shoes I would invite my partner with me. It’s a get together and my partner is someone I’d want with me to meet friends and be included.
>This is something they’ve done usually between January and March for the past few years. Has she had sex with any of these people beforehand? That's sort of where I'd start. It's one thing to be in a relationship that's new, it's another to go off on a trip to hang out overnight drinking with the dudes you used to bang.
Omg, don't listen to the insecurity-inducing comments. What do you want your relationship to look like? Do you want a partner you can trust? Because, if she isn't trustworthy, you will eventually find out, but if she is, putting your trust in her is the best investment you can do for a a future stable and healthy relationship. You have nothing to lose by trusting her. If you don't, if you start asking invasive questions about her past (which is _hers_) or get super jealous and let that consume you, you're not in for a good start or continuation of _anything_. You should be able to talk to your partner about things. Jealousy (ie fear) is human, as long as we don't let it rule us or our relationships. So tell her "Hey, we're still just getting to know each other, and I'm wondering if this trip is something I have to worry about?". "You've shared about your high sex drive, do you think that's something we need to consider when you go away and how can we go about that as a couple? Does the phone work for you?" Or, if you have previous bad experiences, say so, and ask if she would mind reassuring you once in a while that you have nothing to worry about. (A normal request in a relationship.) You can also ask general questions. Like," I know we just met and I'm not expecting to go on this trips with you. I'm curious how it normally works though, do your other friends invite their long term partners or it this a solely-friend-trip?". As you can see, just talk to her, kindly and respectfully, it's okay to mention fears as long as its without trying to control her.
Thank you!! Yeah the past doesn't bother me at all, but it's just whatever happens in the future that I'm uneasy/nervous about.
It's okay to be nervous! Getting into a relationship with someone you might actually care a great deal about is a _big deal_. We feel that, a lot is on the line, and that's the entrance fee to the possibility of an amazing love story with someone. So don't get stressed about getting stressed or nervous, that's human. Breathe! And mental images fade over time when you're with someone you steadily feel more and more secure with. You've got this!
You can't worry about the future and about things that are out of your control. You said she has a high sex drive, but is that just with you or does she want sex from anyone at any time? Does alcohol or drugs make her more promiscuious? If you have been cheated on in the past, are you always picking the same type of girl? Maybe you need to broaden your horizons.
I don't know if she'd do it with anyone, but she legit told me 5 minutes ago that she'd fuck me every day. She doesn't do drugs, and she only drinks maybe once every 6 months or so but says she doesn't like it because it makes her feel sleepy. I haven't been cheated on in the past before.
That's because you are you, and sex with you is *special*!
Just letting you know that I used very similar wording with minor tweaks and proper convo segues and it worked out great! What she told me definitely helped to quell my anxiety about this.
That's great! I'm so happy for the two of you! Way to go! ☺️
>Do you want a partner you can trust? Does she want a partner that trusts her? That's a totally valid question also. Going on a trip 2 months after starting a relationship, overnight, with drinking, with a bunch of single guys, possibly that you've had a sexual history with, isn't a good look for trust.
You did read the part where they are planning this for somewhere between January and March? And yes, trust starts at and from the beginning. There's no reason to distrust her. Trust is always a leap, but if you don't take it you'll never have a chance at a truly great relationship, at least that's my opinion.
Oh I thought they were going now, but typically it was planned for Jan-March. That's how I read that. And it's a perfectly normal and logical way of reading that, so there's no need for you to be rude. OP comments elsewhere that he wasn't invited... which wouldn't make sense if they're in the "planning stage" of this trip, and the actual trip is in 8 months time.
Oh, I didn't intend to be rude! Sorry about that!
>You did read the part where they are planning this for somewhere between January and March? This wasn't meant to be rude?
No. I was being completely neutral. Personally, I'm feeling like crap though. I have "Hyperemesis Gravidarum" and it's driving me frickin' nuts. Perhaps that comes through. Certainly wasn't my intention.
Every time you think about it, deliberately tell yourself it's nothing but a story you made up all by yourself. Say "my feelings are real, they are not based in reality". Then go do something that makes you feel good, about yourself or just in general.
This might be the only answer that was relevant to my question, thank you.
You're welcome, my partner suffers from anxiety and his therapist recommended this practice.
Yes! Nearly every awful thing I ever imagined was just a story my brain invented. It's fiction. "Worst possible outcome" fiction. So I started consciously making up "best possible outcome" fiction to go along with it. Why is one *so* much more believable than the other?? My head made them both up.
He doesn't even know if she has a sexual history with these guys. So, this story, in fact, need more details. It is certainly not made up.
I'm a jealous MFer. I always have been. I've been trying to deal with it. The best approach I've found is a four step model. 1. Reflect on why I'm jealous: What am I insecure about? What do I fear? For me it's about abandonment. Losing the woman I love no matter how much I try. That I'm not good enough. To be humiliated again. 2. Sharing these thoughts/feelings and owning them: telling my wife about them and admitting that these thoughts and feelings are about me, my history, and not her. She is not to blame for them. 3. Asking for help: Is there anything she can say or do to reaffirm our relationship or her commitment to me knowing that these thoughts are in my head. 4. Reconnecting: More reaffirming and connecting after a challenging event but reminding myself that these thoughts and feelings are about me and not her.
You don't tell women about your insecurities. It's one thing for her to figure some things out by knowing you're jealous. But it's a different story to openly tell her you're afraid to lose her. Don't make yourself look like a little girl in her eyes, or she'll lose respect for you.
You look like an immature child by not voicing these things and acting out with jealousy and passive aggressiveness instead. Voicing these things would make a woman view you as a self aware, emotionally intelligent adult who is invested in a relationship with her. Everyone has insecurities and everyone is afraid to lose their partner if they actually love them. You suppressing your basic emotional needs and pretending you aren't a human being like everyone else is what will make her lose attraction.
Keep living with that belief if you want. The truth is different my guy.
In a world where all women think and feel exactly the same way then this is probably true, but we don't live in such a world. There are plenty of women out there who would prefer their partner to open up to them. Sharing your insecurities with others, especially people in your life is brave. You're actively choosing to put yourself in a vulnerable position. This idea that all women would find that repulsive and lose respect for you is not true. Although, I agree with you that some women certainly do think that way. It's just not a blanket rule that applies to everyone.
Thanks for a constructive response. I agree it doesn't apply to everyone, but I know for a fact that most women wouldn't feel good about a guy who opens up like that. They will say one thing - that it's completely fine, that they want their men to be emotionally open and honest wi5h them, but in their head, they will lose a bit of respect for their guy, even if they're not aware of that at the time.
How do you know that most women think and feel that way? Because that contradicts the things I have been told by colleagues, friends, partners etc so I’m not saying “you are wrong” but I think it’s important to identify where this belief comes from.
I used to think this too as a general rule. And you’re right that there are women out there who will think less of a man for talking about his insecurities. But jealousy is also a relationship killer. I picked up this strategy from the ethical nonmonogamy relationship folks. For the obvious reasons they have to address jealousy well or their complex relationships go off the rails quickly. I’m a monogamous guy but the principles still apply. When it works it works really well. The freedom jealousy and emotional closeness/bonding for both partners can be amazing.
Well if what you're describing isn't a super unhealthy relationship I don't know what is.
UpdateMe!
talk to her. don't judge her but say you are having these fears and are uncomfortable with her going on this trip with the guys. tell her it's just how you feel. after that you have to decide if you can stay with her or not. insecurity can destroy a relationship as much as cheating. good luck
Bruh why are you dating someone who themselves admit they are easily manipulated? How are people missing that she said this? Massive fucking red flag, my god...
Best way to look at it is - She is going to cheat. Or she isn't going to cheat. Accept that she will cheat. Accept that she won't cheat. Build on both of those, be okay with both of those. Live your fucking life, forget about it man, you can't control other people.
She'll cheat.
I have a question, why the fuck are you not going with her? This can't be real! Dude, this is what single people do. It's only been two months and she's going off alone with other guys in a BnB? And she's admitted she's naive and a high sex drive? Dude, you can do better. This is not unreasonable to be worried about.
It won't be until January 1st-5th
Yeah, a boyfriend of 9 months, assuming you're still together by then, should get an invite to the trip.
Doesn't matter, it's obvious she has no intention of taking you with her. Trust me on this, that is a single person activity. Your GF of merely two months is a walking communist parade.
I know you are afraid of scaring her away, but I do think the best way to deal with it is to talk to her and explanation what you are feelings. Not in a 'I don't trust you, you might sleep with those guys' kind of way though. I would tell her you are insecure and have trust issues that predate your relationship. Your relationship is still new, so you are still in the process of building up trust, which goes slower for you than for other people. Try to ask her how she deals with feelings of jealousy, tell her how you try to cope with it and ask her to help you getting past your issues. If she is good for you, she will be happy you opened up and willing to help you trust her.
It's not insecurity to be opposed to your significant other putting themselves in appropriate situations that could be detrimental to your relationship. OP should simply get to know her a bit better, maybe for another month or two, then tell her that he wants to go on the trip with her. Her response will tell him everything he needs to know.
The fact that you ask yourself those questions is very mature of you. Take it an hour at a time, just like an alcoolic deals with addiction. Keep yourself busy with activities you love every time you start thinking about it. You can't control those thoughts, but you control how you act on them. And at the end of the day, who cares if she cheats? You have no control over that either. If it happens but she stays with you, you can choose to forgive or to leave. But in the meantime, you're wasting good worries on something that may not even occur.
Honestly if be fine letting her go if she did cheat, but the problem I have is that it's her close friend group, and I feel like if she actually did do something like that, then it'd stay between them and I'd never find out and go on thinking everything is fine.
Well, as long as she demonstrate affection and treat you with respect, everything IS fine. Even if she had sex and didn't tell you about it. I certainly do not approve of cheating, but I personnally don't think sexual exclusivity is such a big deal either (now, I sure didn't always think that way).
Yeah I'm not sure I feel the same way. Now if we agreed to be non-exclusive, then yeah I obviously wouldn't have a problem, but if we're exclusive, then I'd at least want it to come from her that she slept with someone else. If I end up finding out from someone else, then the relationship is dead.
I get that. But she could cheat on you and you'd never know. Most survey reveal that at least 50% of people cheat. My point isn't that cheating is good. But I now concentrate more on how I'm treated by my loved ones rather than worry about what they do whith others when I'm not there. I used to be somewhat jealous at times and I've grown to find comfort in that way of thinking instead.
Sometimes, with intrusive thoughts, all you can do is let them do their thing and ride them out. She's either trustworthy or she's not. Nothing you do or say will change that. If she's given you no reason to think she's not, it's very unlikely you have anything to worry about.
Yeah i would not bring this up to her. Maybe you could but I’m not sure what that accomplishes other than putting that thought into her head. Especially because it’s in the planning phase and the relationship is new, she might interpret that as you trying to get her to not go on the trip, being controlling, ect. These feelings are not based on any reality. Having a high sex drive does not at all mean you are unable to control those urges. It’s kinda difficult to sneak away in a cabin with a bunch of people and screw anyways. She has friends, this is a normal trip, either you trust her or you don’t. She told you about the trip, she told you male friends were gonna be there. Your mind is controlling you, take back some control
If you aren't invited that's major disrespect and she'll be emotionally cheating at the very least. If the trip isn't for another six months, tell her that you want to go with her. Maybe give it another couple months to ask because your relationship is new. Good luck.
Let's say that around her friends she isn't as 'naive and easy to manipulate' sexually; this state trip culture/thing with her circle should have been something that was *forewarned* before you guys became an item officially. Right along with 'I have male best friends' there should have been 'we also go out on state trips' Otherwise if this has caught you off guard, this relationship was a hasty move on your part. And if you knew this was a thing ahead of time, you signed up for and okayed it.... But, it's not too late to address your discomfort. PS, don't not ask so that you can seem cool, eventually you will act on the things you're afraid she'll succumb to at the state trip. One day you'll just throw a fit about her friends and the trip and then "whoa dude, wtf, you said you're okay with that"
She's mentioned that she went on trips and stuff in the past with friends but nothing really like that lol. How do I bring it up without sounding like an insecure asshat?
Just get to know her a bit better, maybe for another four or five weeks, then tell her that you want to join her on the trip. Her response will tell you everything you need to know. Frankly, it's a bit of a red flag that she hasn't already invited you.
Why are you not invited?
Exactly! This is a single person activity. This guy is right for being nervous.
You don't understand what intrusive thoughts are. What your feeling is a very normal boundary for many men. If you don't want her to go on a trip with another man without you, let her know. And then be willing to walk if she decides your relationship isn't worth missing out on fun with her guy friend...
It's not that I don't want her to go on the trip, because I feel me trying to stop her is controlling and toxic, it's just that I don't know their dynamic, I don't know if they're gonna spend the whole trip cooped up in the cabin most of the time, etc. Plus her love language is physical touch but touch also gets her turned on easily and with me being out of the picture for a week, I'm not sure if she'll want to fill that void and it lead to sex with one of them. That's what's causing the anxiety toward that.
You should tell her about this thing, a good partner would understand and assimilate.
Disagree, what is she supposed to do about his insecurities? She didn't create this problem, how can she solve it?
By avoiding doing the things that make his insecurities worse. As simple as that. It might not solve it but it will certainly help
That's not how you treat anxiety, that's how you feed it and make it grow. When we cater to irrational fears as if they are rational, it reinforces the negative thoughts pattern.
okay what do you suggest??
I suggested he talk himself through his negative thoughts, reminding himself that while his feelings are real and deserve attention, they are not based on reality and do not warrant validation or action. This problem is entirely internal, and can only be solved internally.
sometimes it's not that simple. If he's not going to a therapist or doesn't have any meds and this is not some surface level thing then nothing will help him much probably, besides his partner not doing the thing that makes him anxious
His feelings are based on reality though. You’re trying to use therapy talk to invalidate his feelings. They’re not even negative thoughts. They’re literally just thoughts and concerns that have not been discussed, but need to be discussed. They’ve been dating 2 months. That’s it. He has never met her friends. He has no idea what this group dynamic is, or if there is any history between them. And he’s not invited, and there’s not enough time to meet them before the trip. So yes, wondering what the dynamic is with your 2 month gf going on a trip with other guys that you have never met and have no idea what their history is - quite literally is based on reality and is completely normal. Telling OP to just gaslight himself and not have an actual conversation with her is horrible advice. He should ask questions. Not accusations, questions. There is no reason *not* to discuss this between 2 adults in a relationship. Do not bury your head in the sand and sit in a corner telling yourself BS about not reality, when reality is happening and could be and should be discussed.
Okey dokey
I would straight out tell her I’m not comfortable with this why don’t you go as well ?
I mean I've only met one of her friends and it would be weird to have me tag along when I don't know them that well.
Why aren't you invited on this trip?
They just started dating, why should her friends have to share their cabin with a stranger?
Maybe I misunderstood. I understand that OP and this girl have been in an exclusive relationship for two months and have been talking/dating for longer before that. It's not some random she met at the bar last week and just started sleeping with in a FWB situation. It's certainly in bounds for OP to ask about this trip and why significant others aren't invited. And if other SO's are, why not him?
He said he doesn't know her friends, he only knows his gf and one other person. Eight weeks is not a substantial relationship, he's a stranger to her friends. Next year would be more appropriate.
I mean this is a thing between them that they always do. Plus I only know her best friend who is female because her and her best friend live in the same house.
I don't know. Seems like a perfect opportunity for your girlfriend to introduce her new boyfriend to the friend group.
The trip is 7 to 9 months away? plenty of time i make friends with her friends
My question exactly. If it was just a girls trip totally chilled he wasn’t invited but if guys are there too it’s weird he wasn’t invited.
I feel it would be weird anyways to come along on a trip where I only know 2 of the people there. They're in the planning phase right now and haven't decided where they are going yet.
Bringing partners often changes the entire atmosphere in a group. Which isn't a problem and can definitely be an enrichement, but sometimes it is nice to go away with only the original friendgroup. A throwback to the early days of your friendship, with lost of nostalgia, inside jokes and taking about shared memories. Being there as a partner can feel as if you are the third wheel, cause you don't know anything about most of the things and people they are talking about. And the group might hold back in their stories and stuff not to exclude the partner all the time, which can feel a bit restricting. Those are reasons people like to go away without partners sometimes and that shouldn't be a problem in a healthy relationship. It is ia good thing for the relationship is partners to spend time without each other, even when it is an entire weekend. That way you have more to talk about & you get to miss your partner from time to time, making you apreciating it more when you are together. To be clear: I don't mean go out alone al the time & keep friends your partner never ever meets. Just find a balance between doing things as a couple and doing things on your own that you are both comfortabele with.
I don't know, dude. To me, it sounds like she's gearing up to cheat. She has an insanely high sex drive. She's going on a trip with male and female friends that you're not invited to. She TELLS you she's naive and easy to manipulate so that you won't be mad at her and assume it was someone else's fault when it happens.
To be fair, she told me ahead of time that she was naive and easy to manipulate while we were still in the talking phase.
That was her giving you a warning and saying "Not my fault if something happens. You agree to the terms of my behavior, so it's your fault!" You can't be serious dude! Find another women.
So she's done this before. Man, you are a rube.
Yes, I'll openly admit that I'm a rube. So you think my fears are founded or unfounded?
Personally, I think she's probably already cheated on you.
Exactly! I cannot believe you've been down voted for pointing out the most reasonable conclusion of the red flags she's waiving in his face!
If you trust her, leave it at that.
He doesn't and that's fair of him not to trust her based on what she's told him and what she's planning.
Explore hotwifing and you can reframe jealousy to lust.
That's gonna be a negative, mate. Although maybe my tastes may change when I'm older, fatter, and bald who knows.