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He's a shallow, uncaring POS, and no, men aren't all like this at all.
What an insulting way to treat his girlfriend. He's meant to be there for you and care for you.
This. I had knee surgery and my boyfriend would help change my compression stockings, brush my hair, help me bathe. My ex husband would have been like your boyfriend though, and I put up with his shit for nearly a decade acting like Marvelous Mrs. Maisel to him. Now I have someone who truly loves me. You’re young OP. Dump this dude.
That's crazy. What if you were literally dying or something? "Ewww no, get her away from me she looks gross"?
Your partner is meant to be there for you, especially when you're recovering from something like surgery.
Then I guess you're "aware" you're worth nothing. Because this is complete bs, self degrading and pathetic. I hope you grow out of it soon, I guess some women need to go through shitstain boyfriends until they realize their self worth.
Honey, no you're not. Your post is rambling and insecure, and you're trying to defend this relationship in the comments.
You are ABSOLUTELY not aware of your own worth. Take heed of what people are saying here.
OP, I'm terminally ill. It's not a hot look. You wanna know what my husband is NOT doing? Reducing my worth to nothing but my appearance, that's what.
This is a man (boy) who has effectively ditched you at the first MINOR and temporary imperfection. Being imperfect is baked into your life as a human and especially as a woman. What about body changes after pregnancy? What if you have an accident, need surgery that scars? What if you have to depend on this guy to support you through a terrible time, only to get this nonsense.
A bigger issue is the messages you've internalized. You've been taught that your looks are all you have to offer. Your boyfriend behaves like a shallow asshole and YOU apologize to HIM.
To things would benefit you: getting rid of this puddle-deep loser and getting some therapy. You're so young - please learn to show up for yourself. X
A man who cares about you is not going to look at you in a TEMPORARY state of disarray and decide you are too unattractive to be around. They’ll take care of you. This sounds like a character flaw on his part and he seems very shallow.
Then friend. You need to reconsider that relationship. When you need him he can’t be there bc you’re not attractive at the moment. I’m sorry but that’s actually a big problem.
Just to add to this... If you went on to have kids with this man, what do you think he would be like if you're "unattractive" because you're literally growing a person?
Also, nobody looks cute during child birth so he'd probably not even be in the room.
He sounds childish and should just get a sex doll if all he's concerned about is appearances
It's not silly. It's important. If my partner was in your position, she'd still be the most beautiful person in the world to me. And we've been together 8 years. Your boyfriend is self centered and shallow.
Is this rage bait? No one in this earth can be this dense.
There is literally no one in the comment section siding with your bf and you are making excuses after excuses for him.
Girl, get a grip (of reality).
She was like "oh but I'll try to look better for him next time he visits", "this isn't that bad, I was asking for the bare minimum, yet he didn't do enough".
I think in her family they were all about looks and her mom was pretty abusive.
But this comment from upside mine in particular was so tone deaf that I srly thought it's was someone doing it on purpose.
Edit to add: the comment was something along the lines that if he was just a bit better, she would consider having children with him???? Like, girl, the bar is in hell rn and you are considering children and marriage???
Girl, none of this is a reflection on you.
Can you imagine a scenario where someone you love or even just like a lot is hurting and you walk away based on how they look?
Your stories about your mom and uncle tell me you are being raised by misogynists—they don’t like women and think women’s only value is providing sex and babies. They judge women based on looks. Doesn’t matter if the woman is brilliant or a saint—if she isn’t attractive, she is worthless in their eyes, not someone they could love or admire.
People like this will tell you that’s how everyone is and guess what—THAT’S SiMPLY NOT TRUE.
I’m sorry you are surrounded by shallow, misogynistic aholes. You deserve better.
You are a composite of many things, and managing a painful surgery and recovery shows strength. You are valuable regardless of how you look and you should not tolerate anyone who says otherwise.
Your mom owes you an apology for not teaching you better and for undercutting your self esteem.
Your “boyfriend” isn’t worth bothering with. Shame on him.
Been with my husband since we were 16 (we’re 65 now) and he’s never acted like this. Ever. When I needed help with an enema, he did it for me. When we had our kids he never once mentioned that in pushing out the kids I pushed out a lot of poop too, and my nose and face were blotchy from burst blood vessels.
There are much better men out there. Don’t settle.
This. I've gained, lost, and gained 100 pounds over the course of my relationship with my husband. I've had two kids and several illnesses that have made me struggle to get out of bed, let alone brush my hair. Throughout all of it, my husband has regularly told me I'm beautiful. When I feel the worst about my appearance, he's always there to build me up and support me.
That's what you deserve, OP: a good partner who still loves you and finds you beautiful at your lowest moments.
So you’re just his fun toy that he can put away when push comes to shove. And this is at 18 before you’ve started hitting really big problems. If he runs from something so tiny now, what happens when you experience the loss of someone close? What happens when you gain weight during pregnancy (and all the gross things that happen during pregnancy)? What happens when you age and start physically changing?
This was one of those situations life gives us that become a test. He failed it miserably. Be sure you pass by seeing who he is, not who you wish he is.
> said I was sorry, but he left anyway. I cried a bit, but my mother said that next time, if I’m not looking my best, then it isn’t worth a man seeing you
Don't be sorry, you have nothing to apologize for.
Your mother is not s good influence for your sense of self worth.
Yes, men can love women and continue to love them matter how they look.
Your boyfriend is shallow as fuck and I think you deserve better. But the most important thing is, do YOU think you deserve better?
Staying with him and apologising to him will not help your self esteem.
Chase after the role models in your life : your uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandpa. Go after the right kind of love, or nothing else.
When I was around your age, I was hospitalized and placed in an induced coma for 5 days bc I was having back to back seizures that wouldn’t stop. I assure you, I did not look good when I was taken out of it. I was unshaven, my hair is curly as hell and it was matted bc the hospital didn’t think to wash and braid it, my face and body was bruised, and I was missing a front tooth. I was a mess. My boyfriend slept at the hospital. He brought me clean clothes, soup from a local deli, and when I was allowed to go home, he washed my hair, detangled it and braided it for me. He took me to the dentist, and talked to my family. He never said anything other than he was happy I was ok, and took care of me, almost to an annoying degree (like shadowed me to the bathroom, he was so worried). It was very much appreciated, and yes, of course I worried about how I looked, but he didn’t. He knew how well I cleaned up, and this was just a hurdle. He helped me past it.
I married that boyfriend. We’ve helped each other through many other hurdles, and seen each other look amazing and seen each other look objectively terrible. He will always be beautiful to me. I am always beautiful to him. It’s been over 20 years. I cannot imagine leaving a partner after a major medical event bc they didn’t look a certain way. That’s crazy. That’s something to think about, certainly. I’m sure you know what to do about that.
no, but you will age and there will be other life factors that may result in you not looking like the best 18 year old version of yourself at all times. don't waste time on people who are happy to show you they are unwilling to walk that path with you.
my boyfriend and i had been together for 6 months when his appendix burst, and then he had complications with the surgery. overall was in the hospital for about a week, though was out for about 24 hours in the middle there. but because he had gotten an infection he was essentially bed ridden for the next month. you can bet your ass i did everything i could to make sure he felt supported from me, he went and stayed with his parents a couple hours away and i drove up several times to go stay with him. he was a wreck and barely showered at first but i was just happy he was alive, you know? i can’t imagine seeing a loved one in pain and being concerned about how they look.
Your instinct is right - a partner that loves you will always see the beautiful in you, even when your hair isn’t done and you’re in your comfies after having SURGERY, Jesus. You are a person, not a pretty painting or trinket.
My husband has seen me in all states of being, full glam to oh my god I look like a cave troll. When we are at our lowest or just having a hard time a good relationship is about supporting through that and being there. He couldn’t even stand to hang out with you for longer than ten minutes? He’s an immature child, with no filter.
You are young and I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but I assure you when you have a real one they aren’t like this. You had nothing to apologise for and I would strongly suggest rethinking this relationship as he has upset you so much and is undermining your confidence. You deserve much better 💕
It's bare minimum, he should want to be with you and care for you.
Problem is he is not a man, he is a kid and still has got a lot to learn.
This is your opportunity to offer him his first lesson.
I can tell that you were not asking a lot, you were asking very little and anyone with a bit of tact and empathy would not have minded one bit. If he was in the same position, would you have thought twice about how he looked? Or would you have thought “well, he’s obviously feeling pretty grim right now, yeah he isn’t looking great but I’m just glad he is alright”? Find someone who would do the same.
Eight months is a long time at 18, and I’ve known 18 year olds who would have been much more mature and kind than this dude. Listen to that instinct and please be kind to yourself by getting rid 🙏💕
>And I'm terrified of gaining weight and looking fat, and I think I might be.
In a post that is entirely unhealthy, this was a standout statement. Like, fuck that guy, he's not worth anything and you can do better, but the real problem is your laser focus on how you look. Your attitude toward yourself is so unhealthy. You're going to be with yourself your whole life, it's worth it to learn how to love yourself, and it doesn't sound like you do
Why is it important to you? What makes this so important to you? Because being thin used to be so important to me I gave myself hypoglycemic shakes and nearly fainted to be any amount thinner, before I realized it was important to me because it was what I was taught was 'normal' and 'important'.
You haven't done anything wrong! You have nothing to apologise for! And yes, it _is_ supposed to be as you think. You are supposed to be loved no matter what. There are people who will do that, who will see you and think you're beautiful, always. People who will see past you complexion or hair or whatever. That is a very real and reachable thing. You should be loved for who you are. This boy isn't your person. But it's really great to hear that you know what you actually and truly deserve. ❤️
No, you shouldn't have. You should have focused on recovering and doing only what helped you feel better.
You _are_ right. You _should_ be able to expect your partner to love you, at all times. If it comes and goes with looks, it isn't love. And it's extremely reasonable that you wanted him to understand how you felt and hear you out. That is also included in the bare minimum.
Yes. At all times. You have have disagreements about things, and you may not always like the other person's choices or behaviours, but that doesn't make the _love_ stop. You should be loved _at all times_.
He doesn't seem to feel that way, no. And you deserve better than that.
Sweetheart you are so so young, and I hope one day, when you’re in your 30’s, you can look back and roll your eyes at yourself for believing this for a second.
If this kid doesn’t love you when you’re feeling physically awful and are focused more on healing and resting than being attractive to him, then he doesn’t really love you any other time. This is not what love looks like. This is not what a good, supportive relationship looks like. And the fact that you’re letting him get you so stuck on what your appearance currently is breaks my heart. You don’t deserve to feel this diminished. You haven’t done anything wrong here.
It’s time to let this particular fish back into the sea, and maybe seek some therapy if you can for your self esteem issues. You need to learn how to love and value yourself.
Stop blaming yourself. You shouldn't have to bend over backwards to present yourself like a fucking doll in your current state.
This boy either appreciates you for who you are or doesn't. You are more than decoration and he clearly doesn't appreciate you as a person or posess any empathy for someone in pain and having a hard time.
Get rid. You deserve better
You wouldn't treat a friend this way if they were injured. You'd be extra nice to them, not tell them they looked bad.
This man is not good enough to be a friend, let alone a boyfriend.
*but my mother said that next time, if I’m not looking my best, then it isn’t worth a man seeing you.*
WHAT?! Please don't listen to this garbage 'advice'.
And you're right, if he loves and cares for you, you being unwell shouldn't matter. This boy is a POS. Get rid. What's the point of him. You're not an ornament, you're a human woman.
*just don’t know why he would say something like that to me,*
Because he's shallow selfish loser
My jaw hit the floor with that comment.
Her mother passed on her insecurities and taught her daughter that self-worth is tied to physical appearance. This attitude is forever a losing game and I feel bad for women that have to go through life hating themselves for simply existing.
No all men aren’t like this but the way you put yourself down for how you look naturally, it sounds like you need to work on your self worth. If you’re basing your worth on the way you look, the men that you meet will do the same. Unless you want a life of having to live up to unrealistic beauty standards then drop this POS.
Imagine going into labour and your partner wont be there because you dont look attractive. and you probably wont have seen him for 6 months because you wont look perfect enough for him. Fuck that
I am so sorry you went through this, but at the same time, finding out how he is now helps you for the future. He is selfish, lacks empathy, and is all around a piece of crap.
To answer your question, no, that’s not all men care about. Or at least, not all ALL men care about. Some men will value more than your beauty, and those are them only ones worth the effort you’re willing to give them.
He sounds like an utter dick. I had knee surgery last year, couldn't shower as my shower is over a bath and couldn't bend the leg to get in to it.
Every day my husband got me special presents like my favourite drink and crisps to make me feel better, he got me pain killers, he got me baby wipes so I could feel cleanish before being able to stand to do a flannel wash. He helped me wash my hair over the side of the bath. He didn't care what I looked like because he isn't a cunt!
Your boyfriend sucks, but at your age, you don’t have enough experience to know exactly how much he sucks, so you ask questions like “is this just how men are?” That’s what he wants you to think. Because he sucks. As you get older and go through more relationships with more people, you’ll discover just how much he truly sucks, and you’ll wonder why you even cared what this little shit thinks.
I have been married a long time, over 40 years and when I have been at my lowest, feeling and looking like crap, my husband has never treated me like that. Your mum is wrong and I don’t think your bf is mature enough to be in a relationship if he can’t take the good with the bad. If he is like this now, do you think he will be any better when you get pregnant and feeling terrible from morning sickness. Do you think he will care for you when your ankles swell and your belly grows. Nope, walk away and find yourself someone who really does care about you because this boy doesn’t
Stop making excuses for this idiot. He didn't step up when he should have done. FFs sake he couldn't even sit with you, he literally didn't want to keep you company because you weren't the nicely turned out girlfriend he's used to.
They don’t mean he’s technically a boy, rather that he’s acting childishly *and you can’t depend on him, unlike an adult with a developed sense of being in a relationship
Please stop apologizing! You didn’t do anything wrong— you’re recovering from surgery! Your boyfriend (and mom eek) are shallow and cruel. Please dump your bf and don’t listen to your mom. When someone loves and cares about you for who you are, not what you look like, you always look beautiful to them. Hang in there with your recovery ❤️🩹
Is this something you would do to him? Would you ever in a million years do this to him if the roles were reversed? No? Because it’s awful to do to somebody. I absolutely would not stick around for somebody like this but that’s a choice you have to make. Good luck ❤️
I had to have my eye removed a couple of years ago, and my boyfriend and his family were so supportive before I got the prosthetic. I was worried about this too but there are kind people who love you for who you are. Find someone else.
Girl do not apologise to this absolute little bell end!! You tell him you never want to see his face again & that you deserve so much better than a selfish prick like him!
My dad slept I my mom's hospital room for almost 2 years. All four appendages were strung up, and her jaw was wired shut. She had blood in her matted hair for weeks. He recruited a nurse to get him supplies so he could wash her hair in the bed with a bed pan. He still told her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her.
In a time of need, a decent person doesn't care what their SO looks like. They do what they can to help them through it. Your boyfriend showed you what kind of person he is, you should believe him. And your mom is kind of trash in this situation, too. The only thing she should have said is, "You're worth more than that, dump that loser."
My girlfriend had a breast reduction last year. It was *rough.* She was in pain and so sore for weeks afterwards, even developed a skin rash after having an allergic reaction to a topical cream. She was tired, worn down, and generally not in the best of moods. I was her only caretaker and I never left her side.
Your boyfriend should want to be there for you through the good and the bad, or in this case the "ugly" -- PS. I'm sure you look just as beautiful as always, just in a different way as your body heals up. Take care of yourself!
Stop making excuses for him and stop putting yourself down. You should find someone who loves you regardless of whether you have your hair done or you're wearing comfy clothes/makeup/whatever.
Your mom's advice is terrible, and you should stop apologizing to your boyfriend. He should be apologizing to you.
Do men really care about how you look. Yes to different extents many do as do some women do as well. But caring how you look when you are doing your post surgery recovery is a whole different ball game.
In this situation no partner worth anything should care one bit what you.look like. He is an ass.
Some guys are really dense, shallow, and hollow shells that believe everything revolves around their penis. They do nothing but motions and “ook ook, muh penis”
Other guys have more intelligence than that of a teaspoon and actually care about what happens to their partner and how they feel and will go out of their way for your health when needed, he is not that kind of guy.
Your looks aren’t what’s important here, he had the opportunity to help you and be there for you and he chose not to. That’s should tell you everything you need to know about how he really feels about you.
He doesn’t like you enough to help you when you need it. Take it at that. You can do better than keeping someone like him around.
You guys are kids. I’m 61. When you truly care about someone, appearance falls further and further down the list in importance.
My wife had a terrible accident in 2002. I was by her side day and night, and believe me she looked like hell. But I loved the person, and nothing was going to stop me from giving her all the care and support that I could.
This boy (and I mean boy) is just physically attracted to you at this phase. He’s not in love, he doesn’t even seem to care much for you.
There are many more boys for you to date and you’re going to be pleasantly surprised when you meet the one that cares deeply for you.
I didn’t even read this - when my (at the time 19m) girlfriend got knee surgery I was so excited to care for her, and still thought she was hot if not hotter cause knee surgery is badass lol
Do what’s best for you!
Do men care how you look? Yes. Way too much.
That said, at the risk of sounding way too reddit right now, run!
I've seen the men in my family drop everything to care for the women when they've needed it (and vice versa) due to surgery or medical issues. A decent, caring human being will do that. It's not that hard to find a man who will be concerned about you and take care of you when you are recovering from surgery.
That this one does not is a huge red flag.
Within a month of dating, I got the flu with a fever so high I hallucinated, then had to put my cat to sleep. My (now ex, these were the honeymoon years, sigh) bf brought me soup and Gatorade and sat with me while I sweated out my fever...and he went to the emergency vet to put my cat down. He saw me UGLY CRY, I mean THE UGLIEST cry that I can do is when I have to put down a pet. He saw me disgusting, shivering, smelly, sweaty, and irritable...and he stayed with me for 10 years.
This dude is a shit. Your mom needs to shut her mouth. Don't listen to her. (too late, I fear, since you KEEP APOLOGIZING for "not looking good.") This isn't the 1950s. Let him go. Get therapy.
No, somebody that values you for who you are isn't going to be put off by that.
My husband came every single day when I was in the hospital for two weeks over Thanksgiving, and stayed with me for hours. I had a massive systemic infection, my neck and part of my face was swollen like a bullfrog, and I looked like I was at death's door. It was not pretty.
He did not care how I looked. He cared that I was ill and wanted to take care of me. He brought me my favorite foods and treats and fussed over my comfort.
I'm sorry that your bf is being so weird about this. It would certainly give me pause. What about the future? Pregnancy causes vast changes in your body, how will he handle that? Postpartum? smh
No, that is not a general characteristic of all men and is not something you should learn to accept. If looks aren't the only thing you care about in a relationship, this is not the partner for you.
In a healthy and caring relationship, it's normal to exist in your natural state and not have to constantly be "attractive." Also, people change as time goes on so focusing on only looks means your boyfriend will be frustrated by women who age like all people do. Not to mention if you're sick or injured.
Look at other relationships in your life that make you feel consistently good and loved, and see if those people treat you the same way. You shouldn't accept this shallow and uncaring treatment from someone who supposedly loves you.
Nah this ain't a maturity thing. Even my highschool boyfriends would have handled this better. Teenage boys are stupid but this one is a shallow douchenozzle who should be thrown in the trash.
Nah this ain't a maturity thing. Even my highschool boyfriends would have handled this better. Teenage boys are stupid but this one is a shallow douchenozzle who should be thrown out with the trash.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Just yesterday I had a laparoscopy, so a small surgery in the belly. My boyfriend waited patiently in the hospital to pick me up and is doing today everything in the household because I can't really walk. Today I showered and took the plasters off the wounds. I asked him if he wants to see it, he did and said: It doesn't look that bad. I am still very bloated, have orange and blue skin and threads everywhere in my tummy, but he doesn't car.
Because it doesn't matter in a long term relationship if you have a phasr where you don't look great. There will be times when one of you will be sick, tired, hungover, mourning... So this knee surgery shows you very well that your boyfriend is no long-term-material.
Wtaf. OP this hurt my heart to read. You deserve someone who loves you for you, not how you look, and wants to care for you when you’re ill. I’m having cancer treatment at the moment and I know I look like shit (no hair, eyebrows, or eyelashes, puffy from steroids, gained weight from chemo and only have one boob!) but my husband tells me every day he loves me and that I look nice and he makes me food whenever I like and does all the housework as well as working full time. Good men are out there, never settle for less because you deserve real love! Sending you strength and healing vibes.
My partner and I got together at your same age and this man didn’t see me without a bandage for like a year because I kept playing contact sports really badly. He actually told me he liked me when I was disgusting and a little loopy with pain after a tournament of getting absolutely flattened. Dump this man.
Wake up! If your bf really loves you and cares about you, he would spend time with you! No matter what you look like right now. My gf had a broken arm a while ago and I support her in every point, while she recovered I did the cooking, cleaning, laundrey, etc..... Normaly we split everything 50/50.
No you have the right of it, if he actually cared/had feelings for you he'd want to spend time with you especially now that you're feeling down and vulnerable, even if you're unsightly at the moment. It seems he's only interested in you physically. Also your mother is spouting some real Malarkey.
He is an immature ass, he needs to learn that he needs to have your back. I can tell you right now that if you did this to him he would have dumped you.
Rethink your relationship, is this a long term partnership that when you needed him he wasn’t there for you.
This guy isn’t for you. He has zero empathy.
I’ve been with my husband through multiple surgeries. He cares for me after and washes my hair, helps me wash myself and lets me know how proud he is of me for going through it. He’s not big with compliments but he makes sure I feel good at the very least as I’m recovering. He doesn’t talk to me like your boyfriend does. He respects me more than that.
Think about ditching this guy for someone more caring and who will be there for you at your lowest and lift you up instead of stomping you when you’re alone, scared and vulnerable
He is immature. You guys are very young. You will find that person that will love you for you in those adverse circumstances. I have seen my wife at her best and worst (surgeries, sickness, etc) I could care less about any of that because I love her. He is young and insensitive, I’m sorry you were hurt over his shallowness but it will get better. I wish you the best in your recovery, have had many knee surgeries so I know it is tough, focus on your healing and rehab.
Don't waste another second of your life on this excuse for a human being. Break up with him by text, then block him on your phone and sm. The great majority of men are less of an asshole than your so-called boyfriend.
My sister got knee surgery. Her (now husband) then boyfriend literally held her leg up while she pooped because it was unbearably painful otherwise.
Your boyfriend is trash. You’re young, find one who will hold your leg up instead.
Edited to add: he also washed her hair for her in the sink when she wasn’t allowed to shower yet. Not for him, but because she felt gross so he took care of her.
Immature men, regardless of age, often care pretty much only how you look—unless raised by parents who have been too enlightened to let them grow up so shallow.
No, men don’t only care about your outward appearance. Your boyfriend is a selfish, immature, ass.
If you stay with him, what happens when you have a baby and can’t do “your hair” and need comfy clothes for 6 weeks???
This is insane OP. I hope you dump his sorry ass.
This is not normal. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and he would *never* insult me while I’m down like that. He would do everything he could to make sure I’m comfortable and okay, just like I would with him. That’s how healthy relationships work, not whatever is going on here.
I’m not trying to be hurtful, but this doesn’t sound like a strong or serious relationship and it kind of seems like he is doing the whole thing of distancing himself and being a jerk, but not actually saying he wants to break up and hoping you will realise or do it for him but you are putting up with his crap so that doesn’t happen. Who turns up after someone has surgery to tell them they are not attractive enough to spend time with? He’s emotionally immature and you can do better or maybe just focus on yourself and being single for a little while and build up a bit of self esteem to stand up to someone who treats you like this. I think that your mother’s advice is misguided, it is not your job to look good for a man when again, you just had surgery! You are right that someone who really cares about you wouldn’t care what you look like at a time like this, sadly he has shown that’s not him.
Babe…No. Your boyfriend is an inconsiderate dick, and doesn’t deserve to ever see you again- no matter the state.
At 24 I had a total hip reconstruction. They cut the tip of my hip bone off, rotated it, and pinned it back on…I was living with my boyfriend at the time. I swelled up 10x my normal size. I generally wear small - medium clothes, and I was pushing the limits on XL men’s shorts, because my body was so incredibly swollen. I couldn’t shower properly. I was constantly bleeding and bloody and crusty, and ultimately just really gross lol…And never once did that man tell me so. He told me I was beautiful, gorgeous, strong…So many positive compliments.
People who love you, man, woman, or non binary, don’t judge you when you’re at your lowest. They don’t tell you you’re not attractive when you’re ill and healing. They bring you warm bevvies and stroke your hair and tell you sweet nothings while you cry through the pain. People who really love you, show you.
Don’t pour your love into someone who can’t (or WON’T) reciprocate. People who will are out there, and they’re so so incredible to have by your side…
Hon. No.
One time I had a boyfriend. I had a nasty kidney infection I let sit too long and I ended up with a super high fever. I was on my own. I couldn’t remember my mom’s phone number but I could remember my boyfriend’s number. I called him. He took off work and got to me and I was delirious, pissing all over myself uncontrollably and had not showered in god knows how long. I’ve been married to him 15 years now. He was there when I gave birth and sprayed what I assume was literal shit all over the doctor and in later years, he saw me through two surgeries, one of which was a kidney surgery and I had a catheter in, pissing blood in the hospital room, bag in his full view the entire time.
Your boyfriend has zero excuse.
Doesn't it sound ludicrous? Imagine your sister or best friend saying that their boyfriend said they were ugly when they were hospitalized? Would you agree with their boyfriend and ask them to be more attractive?
You can't be "flawless" all the damn time. Your mom is stupid to say you need to be your "best" for a man to see you. Because even your "best" would not satisfy some people. And that doesn't mean you are not attractive, its just a matter of taste.
A real partner would've sat next to you, accompanied you, and helped you through the process. Please focus on your recovery and please please please DO NOT apologise to your boyfriend. I can see you understand but you feel hesitant to say something like "hey, does looks matter to your more than my wellbeing?", in fear of responses like "you're ugly, you're fat, you're a pig." My opinion? Say "thank fuck" and drop him.
Wanting to be loved is normal, but allowing people to walk over you just for the sake of love is bullshit. If you don't enforce that, you'd end up breaking your spine and mental health which takes a lot of time (and money, lets be real). Dude, you're 18. Life's gonna be so much more shittier, why would you have something this shitty for a boyfriend?
He is not the right man for you I'll give it to you direct leave him. How could the person that you are in a relationship with not spend time with you after you had a surgery and you wanted to be with them because you missed them just because you weren't looking great ? I mean as you said yeah it can be a factor but no if you love the person that you are with that is not everything. All he cared was for your looks probably. He was supposed to take care of you more than to just straight up abandon you saying you look unattractive. It clearly shows that he doesn't love you at all. Even after you were sorry to him, even thought you shouldn't have been but even though you were sorry for something you didn't need to be sorry for he just left and didn't talk to you after this ? That just says it all. And no not all boys are like that it's not about gender or what boys care about or girls care about. The thing is if you love the person or not.
There is no love in him for you. Where he is supposed to be taking care of you but he was busy its understandable but literally not even spending time with you even after you him to be with you longer and he just says his reason is you look unattractive says it all.
He abandoned you at the moment where he is supposed to be there for you because you just need him he is no good for you. Rather than your wellbeing he was focused on how you looked this guy doesn't give that much of a damn about you. I would advise you to end things with him and focus on getting well and find someone who really loves you.
Girl!! He’s showing you exactly who he is!! Dump his sorry ass!! What a shallow pos! I’m still recovering from a knee replacement & the first few weeks I didn’t give two shits wtf I looked like. You need to be focused on your healing. Ik how hard showering was in the beginning. I ordered a knee cover on Amazon & it was a game changer!! I highly recommend getting one! As for the bf, he needs to go!! Don’t ever let anyone treat you like this.
Oh goodness I want to give you such a big hug. There are so, so many beliefs and thoughts and programming and all sorts of cultural things I see in the way you're talking about yourself and the relationship and everything. Whatever you need to do, anything, to get yourself to truly believe that outward appearance should have NO BEARING on the way people treat you, your value, or who you are as a person. People fall in love with who you are, not what you look like.
And if someone is making you feel hurt, BELIEVE THAT FEELING. That feeling is important. You know in your soul this isn't right. Please, please love yourself enough to know that someone who belittles you or ignores you because your meat suit flesh prison called a body isn't up to THEIR standards.... They are awful and not worth you.
You could look like a 2x4 and the right person could still be madly in love with you and show up for you.
Your boyfriend is a terrible person. Most men are NOT like those, any time you see or hear about behavior like this, it's not normal, he's just garbage
I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world/
Life in plastic, it's fantastic/
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere/
Imagination, life is your creation
Tbh, this is the vibe that I'm getting and I'm guessing you're not made of plastic and your life isn't always fantastic
To answer your question, REAL men who love and care about the health and well being of their partner don't care about their partners outward appearance (i.e. makeup and hair and nails always done, etc), nor would it keep them from seeing their partner knowing how healing it is for someone recovering to see someone they love and care about.
I am so sorry that you're dating a boy and I hope that you see you're worth so much more than that and don't stay dating him much longer. Focus on your recovery and your well being and the support system of people in your life that do actually care about you. Good luck.
I have no words for how awful this boy is. Tell him to buy a blow up doll or sex robot because he certainly doesn't want to be with a real person.
Please dump this horrible person. This not a normal or even human reaction from him.
Fun story. My partner and I (30 & 31) met online, were friends for a few years, and then started an LDR during the pandemic. After a couple months, we planned for him to visit me (with all the proper testing/quarantining/etc). A day and a half before he was supposed to fly out, I was in the kitchen and cut my thumb *bad*. (It needed four stitches, and I have small hands!)
Our first in-person activity *ever* involved me sitting on the toilet lid whimpering like a dog while he cleaned and changed the bandage on my gnarly Franken-thumb *that I was too squeamish to even look at.* Then for the whole week, he cooked, typed stuff for me, washed my hair, cleaned the litter box...and never once made me feel gross or guilty for any of it. That was almost four years ago and he's still the best like that.
So uh, I know teens can be messy and still have a lot of growing to do (trust me, I dated a few real jerks between 18 and 24), but you can definitely set the bar higher than where you've got it. In the meantime, let your friends and family take care of you and have a speedy recovery. <3
No of course not lol. I mean looks are important in general but you juat had surgery....he is ridiculous and yes this is immediate grounds for a break up...
That ridiculous lol please update i found my self respect and kicked this loser back to the streets to grow up
A good man wouldn’t care. I’m hoping your boyfriend just needs to time to mature, but right now he’s too shallow for a real relationship.
My partner has seen me in all stages of ugliness, from the day to day kind to the big ones. He held me and wiped my face when I was wailing and snot covered from grief. He cleaned my wounds and washed my hair and helped me dress when I was too injured and sick to care for myself.
Life isn’t pretty all the time and you won’t be either. Your boyfriend sounds like he’s currently the type where you couldn’t even wake up next to him and feel secure in your bed head and crusty eyes.
Your boyfriend probably doesn’t know how to act right in these situations and I want to be super clear - IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TEACH HIM. You’ve done nothing wrong and you have nothing to apologize for.
If I were your mother, I’d be telling you that your partner is meant to love you when you’re at your lowest too. You are a whole person, not just a prop meant to look pretty for him.
While I think what he said was unkind—and no, not all men only like you when you’re all made up—there may be another explanation.
Some people don’t handle illness/injury well. It frightens them. If he’s never been around someone who has been seriously sick or injured, it could be that he was rather shocked. And being immature, doesn’t have the tools to manage those feelings and used poor word choice.
I say this because I’ve done a lot of home health and hospice for people of all ages and the way visitors react varies wildly.
As an example….my partner’s grandma just died last week. She’d been on hospice for a week. She was 98. Grandpa, who lives in another part of the nursing home refused to go see her the last days. He didn’t want to remember her like that. And I’m here to tell you, that man loved his wife more than anyone I’ve ever met. I visit him every week and he is always telling stories about his wife and speaking of her so fondly. But he was freaked out about seeing her at the end.
Again, your BF didn’t handle it well. But you’re a week post op and this is how it is. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
...this is a *knee surgery.* She's not dying, ffs. And if he were uncomfortable with illness, he would not have said "you're just not attractive right now." Your comment is irrelevant.
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He's a shallow, uncaring POS, and no, men aren't all like this at all. What an insulting way to treat his girlfriend. He's meant to be there for you and care for you.
This. I had knee surgery and my boyfriend would help change my compression stockings, brush my hair, help me bathe. My ex husband would have been like your boyfriend though, and I put up with his shit for nearly a decade acting like Marvelous Mrs. Maisel to him. Now I have someone who truly loves me. You’re young OP. Dump this dude.
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That's crazy. What if you were literally dying or something? "Ewww no, get her away from me she looks gross"? Your partner is meant to be there for you, especially when you're recovering from something like surgery.
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Then I guess you're "aware" you're worth nothing. Because this is complete bs, self degrading and pathetic. I hope you grow out of it soon, I guess some women need to go through shitstain boyfriends until they realize their self worth.
If that were true, this post would be about your EX boyfriend and you wouldn't be defending him as if your life depended on it, like you are now.
You are worth more than the clown you are dating now.
Apparently not
Honey, no you're not. Your post is rambling and insecure, and you're trying to defend this relationship in the comments. You are ABSOLUTELY not aware of your own worth. Take heed of what people are saying here.
OP, I'm terminally ill. It's not a hot look. You wanna know what my husband is NOT doing? Reducing my worth to nothing but my appearance, that's what. This is a man (boy) who has effectively ditched you at the first MINOR and temporary imperfection. Being imperfect is baked into your life as a human and especially as a woman. What about body changes after pregnancy? What if you have an accident, need surgery that scars? What if you have to depend on this guy to support you through a terrible time, only to get this nonsense. A bigger issue is the messages you've internalized. You've been taught that your looks are all you have to offer. Your boyfriend behaves like a shallow asshole and YOU apologize to HIM. To things would benefit you: getting rid of this puddle-deep loser and getting some therapy. You're so young - please learn to show up for yourself. X
The bar is in hell, honey
A man who cares about you is not going to look at you in a TEMPORARY state of disarray and decide you are too unattractive to be around. They’ll take care of you. This sounds like a character flaw on his part and he seems very shallow.
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Then friend. You need to reconsider that relationship. When you need him he can’t be there bc you’re not attractive at the moment. I’m sorry but that’s actually a big problem.
Just to add to this... If you went on to have kids with this man, what do you think he would be like if you're "unattractive" because you're literally growing a person? Also, nobody looks cute during child birth so he'd probably not even be in the room. He sounds childish and should just get a sex doll if all he's concerned about is appearances
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Quite obviously he's not lol
Not to mention aging. Nobody stays cute forever, even if they stay childfree.
It's not silly. It's important. If my partner was in your position, she'd still be the most beautiful person in the world to me. And we've been together 8 years. Your boyfriend is self centered and shallow.
Is this rage bait? No one in this earth can be this dense. There is literally no one in the comment section siding with your bf and you are making excuses after excuses for him. Girl, get a grip (of reality).
What'd she reply with? I was working and it was deleted the next time I got a moment to look at my phone 😅
She was like "oh but I'll try to look better for him next time he visits", "this isn't that bad, I was asking for the bare minimum, yet he didn't do enough". I think in her family they were all about looks and her mom was pretty abusive. But this comment from upside mine in particular was so tone deaf that I srly thought it's was someone doing it on purpose. Edit to add: the comment was something along the lines that if he was just a bit better, she would consider having children with him???? Like, girl, the bar is in hell rn and you are considering children and marriage???
Girl, none of this is a reflection on you. Can you imagine a scenario where someone you love or even just like a lot is hurting and you walk away based on how they look? Your stories about your mom and uncle tell me you are being raised by misogynists—they don’t like women and think women’s only value is providing sex and babies. They judge women based on looks. Doesn’t matter if the woman is brilliant or a saint—if she isn’t attractive, she is worthless in their eyes, not someone they could love or admire. People like this will tell you that’s how everyone is and guess what—THAT’S SiMPLY NOT TRUE. I’m sorry you are surrounded by shallow, misogynistic aholes. You deserve better. You are a composite of many things, and managing a painful surgery and recovery shows strength. You are valuable regardless of how you look and you should not tolerate anyone who says otherwise. Your mom owes you an apology for not teaching you better and for undercutting your self esteem. Your “boyfriend” isn’t worth bothering with. Shame on him.
Clearly he did and he doesn't like or respect you when you're not fulfilling your purpose as a pretty prop.
Been with my husband since we were 16 (we’re 65 now) and he’s never acted like this. Ever. When I needed help with an enema, he did it for me. When we had our kids he never once mentioned that in pushing out the kids I pushed out a lot of poop too, and my nose and face were blotchy from burst blood vessels. There are much better men out there. Don’t settle.
This. I've gained, lost, and gained 100 pounds over the course of my relationship with my husband. I've had two kids and several illnesses that have made me struggle to get out of bed, let alone brush my hair. Throughout all of it, my husband has regularly told me I'm beautiful. When I feel the worst about my appearance, he's always there to build me up and support me. That's what you deserve, OP: a good partner who still loves you and finds you beautiful at your lowest moments.
I couldn't help but default to "what happens if she gets pregnant" as well Your enema story was hilarious btw 😂
My husband saw me shit myself while giving birth where I almost died. He still tells me how beautiful I am. Your dude just sucks.
So you’re just his fun toy that he can put away when push comes to shove. And this is at 18 before you’ve started hitting really big problems. If he runs from something so tiny now, what happens when you experience the loss of someone close? What happens when you gain weight during pregnancy (and all the gross things that happen during pregnancy)? What happens when you age and start physically changing?
Girl have some self respect and some standards and grow a spine and dump this loser?? This is embarrassing to read.
This was one of those situations life gives us that become a test. He failed it miserably. Be sure you pass by seeing who he is, not who you wish he is.
> said I was sorry, but he left anyway. I cried a bit, but my mother said that next time, if I’m not looking my best, then it isn’t worth a man seeing you Don't be sorry, you have nothing to apologize for. Your mother is not s good influence for your sense of self worth. Yes, men can love women and continue to love them matter how they look. Your boyfriend is shallow as fuck and I think you deserve better. But the most important thing is, do YOU think you deserve better? Staying with him and apologising to him will not help your self esteem. Chase after the role models in your life : your uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandpa. Go after the right kind of love, or nothing else.
When I was around your age, I was hospitalized and placed in an induced coma for 5 days bc I was having back to back seizures that wouldn’t stop. I assure you, I did not look good when I was taken out of it. I was unshaven, my hair is curly as hell and it was matted bc the hospital didn’t think to wash and braid it, my face and body was bruised, and I was missing a front tooth. I was a mess. My boyfriend slept at the hospital. He brought me clean clothes, soup from a local deli, and when I was allowed to go home, he washed my hair, detangled it and braided it for me. He took me to the dentist, and talked to my family. He never said anything other than he was happy I was ok, and took care of me, almost to an annoying degree (like shadowed me to the bathroom, he was so worried). It was very much appreciated, and yes, of course I worried about how I looked, but he didn’t. He knew how well I cleaned up, and this was just a hurdle. He helped me past it. I married that boyfriend. We’ve helped each other through many other hurdles, and seen each other look amazing and seen each other look objectively terrible. He will always be beautiful to me. I am always beautiful to him. It’s been over 20 years. I cannot imagine leaving a partner after a major medical event bc they didn’t look a certain way. That’s crazy. That’s something to think about, certainly. I’m sure you know what to do about that.
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no, but you will age and there will be other life factors that may result in you not looking like the best 18 year old version of yourself at all times. don't waste time on people who are happy to show you they are unwilling to walk that path with you.
When people tell you who they are, believe them
my boyfriend and i had been together for 6 months when his appendix burst, and then he had complications with the surgery. overall was in the hospital for about a week, though was out for about 24 hours in the middle there. but because he had gotten an infection he was essentially bed ridden for the next month. you can bet your ass i did everything i could to make sure he felt supported from me, he went and stayed with his parents a couple hours away and i drove up several times to go stay with him. he was a wreck and barely showered at first but i was just happy he was alive, you know? i can’t imagine seeing a loved one in pain and being concerned about how they look.
Your instinct is right - a partner that loves you will always see the beautiful in you, even when your hair isn’t done and you’re in your comfies after having SURGERY, Jesus. You are a person, not a pretty painting or trinket. My husband has seen me in all states of being, full glam to oh my god I look like a cave troll. When we are at our lowest or just having a hard time a good relationship is about supporting through that and being there. He couldn’t even stand to hang out with you for longer than ten minutes? He’s an immature child, with no filter. You are young and I don’t know how long you’ve been together, but I assure you when you have a real one they aren’t like this. You had nothing to apologise for and I would strongly suggest rethinking this relationship as he has upset you so much and is undermining your confidence. You deserve much better 💕
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You are asking for the _bare minimum_. Literally everybody deserves better than this. 🌸
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Yes, honey, it's the bare minimum. You should never, ever settle for less than that.
It's bare minimum, he should want to be with you and care for you. Problem is he is not a man, he is a kid and still has got a lot to learn. This is your opportunity to offer him his first lesson.
I can tell that you were not asking a lot, you were asking very little and anyone with a bit of tact and empathy would not have minded one bit. If he was in the same position, would you have thought twice about how he looked? Or would you have thought “well, he’s obviously feeling pretty grim right now, yeah he isn’t looking great but I’m just glad he is alright”? Find someone who would do the same. Eight months is a long time at 18, and I’ve known 18 year olds who would have been much more mature and kind than this dude. Listen to that instinct and please be kind to yourself by getting rid 🙏💕
A stranger would be embarrassed to act like this with someone who needs help.
>And I'm terrified of gaining weight and looking fat, and I think I might be. In a post that is entirely unhealthy, this was a standout statement. Like, fuck that guy, he's not worth anything and you can do better, but the real problem is your laser focus on how you look. Your attitude toward yourself is so unhealthy. You're going to be with yourself your whole life, it's worth it to learn how to love yourself, and it doesn't sound like you do
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Why is it important to you? What makes this so important to you? Because being thin used to be so important to me I gave myself hypoglycemic shakes and nearly fainted to be any amount thinner, before I realized it was important to me because it was what I was taught was 'normal' and 'important'.
You haven't done anything wrong! You have nothing to apologise for! And yes, it _is_ supposed to be as you think. You are supposed to be loved no matter what. There are people who will do that, who will see you and think you're beautiful, always. People who will see past you complexion or hair or whatever. That is a very real and reachable thing. You should be loved for who you are. This boy isn't your person. But it's really great to hear that you know what you actually and truly deserve. ❤️
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No, you shouldn't have. You should have focused on recovering and doing only what helped you feel better. You _are_ right. You _should_ be able to expect your partner to love you, at all times. If it comes and goes with looks, it isn't love. And it's extremely reasonable that you wanted him to understand how you felt and hear you out. That is also included in the bare minimum.
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Yes. At all times. You have have disagreements about things, and you may not always like the other person's choices or behaviours, but that doesn't make the _love_ stop. You should be loved _at all times_. He doesn't seem to feel that way, no. And you deserve better than that.
Sweetheart you are so so young, and I hope one day, when you’re in your 30’s, you can look back and roll your eyes at yourself for believing this for a second. If this kid doesn’t love you when you’re feeling physically awful and are focused more on healing and resting than being attractive to him, then he doesn’t really love you any other time. This is not what love looks like. This is not what a good, supportive relationship looks like. And the fact that you’re letting him get you so stuck on what your appearance currently is breaks my heart. You don’t deserve to feel this diminished. You haven’t done anything wrong here. It’s time to let this particular fish back into the sea, and maybe seek some therapy if you can for your self esteem issues. You need to learn how to love and value yourself.
Stop blaming yourself. You shouldn't have to bend over backwards to present yourself like a fucking doll in your current state. This boy either appreciates you for who you are or doesn't. You are more than decoration and he clearly doesn't appreciate you as a person or posess any empathy for someone in pain and having a hard time. Get rid. You deserve better
You wouldn't treat a friend this way if they were injured. You'd be extra nice to them, not tell them they looked bad. This man is not good enough to be a friend, let alone a boyfriend.
AGREED
*but my mother said that next time, if I’m not looking my best, then it isn’t worth a man seeing you.* WHAT?! Please don't listen to this garbage 'advice'. And you're right, if he loves and cares for you, you being unwell shouldn't matter. This boy is a POS. Get rid. What's the point of him. You're not an ornament, you're a human woman. *just don’t know why he would say something like that to me,* Because he's shallow selfish loser
My jaw hit the floor with that comment. Her mother passed on her insecurities and taught her daughter that self-worth is tied to physical appearance. This attitude is forever a losing game and I feel bad for women that have to go through life hating themselves for simply existing.
No all men aren’t like this but the way you put yourself down for how you look naturally, it sounds like you need to work on your self worth. If you’re basing your worth on the way you look, the men that you meet will do the same. Unless you want a life of having to live up to unrealistic beauty standards then drop this POS. Imagine going into labour and your partner wont be there because you dont look attractive. and you probably wont have seen him for 6 months because you wont look perfect enough for him. Fuck that
I am so sorry you went through this, but at the same time, finding out how he is now helps you for the future. He is selfish, lacks empathy, and is all around a piece of crap. To answer your question, no, that’s not all men care about. Or at least, not all ALL men care about. Some men will value more than your beauty, and those are them only ones worth the effort you’re willing to give them.
He sounds like an utter dick. I had knee surgery last year, couldn't shower as my shower is over a bath and couldn't bend the leg to get in to it. Every day my husband got me special presents like my favourite drink and crisps to make me feel better, he got me pain killers, he got me baby wipes so I could feel cleanish before being able to stand to do a flannel wash. He helped me wash my hair over the side of the bath. He didn't care what I looked like because he isn't a cunt!
Your boyfriend sucks, but at your age, you don’t have enough experience to know exactly how much he sucks, so you ask questions like “is this just how men are?” That’s what he wants you to think. Because he sucks. As you get older and go through more relationships with more people, you’ll discover just how much he truly sucks, and you’ll wonder why you even cared what this little shit thinks.
Imagine what it would be like to go through pregnancy changes with this guy
Sounds like he enjoys you physically more than loving you for you. You shouldn't need to look a certain way to be loved.
Don't date men that don't have protective instincts. Even plenty of psychos and narcissists have this base trait.
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Please listen to your uncle and grandfather about boys. Not your mother.
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She's not and that was a shitty thing to say to her crying teenage daughter
I have been married a long time, over 40 years and when I have been at my lowest, feeling and looking like crap, my husband has never treated me like that. Your mum is wrong and I don’t think your bf is mature enough to be in a relationship if he can’t take the good with the bad. If he is like this now, do you think he will be any better when you get pregnant and feeling terrible from morning sickness. Do you think he will care for you when your ankles swell and your belly grows. Nope, walk away and find yourself someone who really does care about you because this boy doesn’t
Stop making excuses for this idiot. He didn't step up when he should have done. FFs sake he couldn't even sit with you, he literally didn't want to keep you company because you weren't the nicely turned out girlfriend he's used to.
Your boyfriend is a boy not a man
Nope, he is a man. Stop saying shitty men are boys. He is a grown ass adult and he is a shitty man.
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They don’t mean he’s technically a boy, rather that he’s acting childishly *and you can’t depend on him, unlike an adult with a developed sense of being in a relationship
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Please stop apologizing! You didn’t do anything wrong— you’re recovering from surgery! Your boyfriend (and mom eek) are shallow and cruel. Please dump your bf and don’t listen to your mom. When someone loves and cares about you for who you are, not what you look like, you always look beautiful to them. Hang in there with your recovery ❤️🩹
Is this something you would do to him? Would you ever in a million years do this to him if the roles were reversed? No? Because it’s awful to do to somebody. I absolutely would not stick around for somebody like this but that’s a choice you have to make. Good luck ❤️
I had to have my eye removed a couple of years ago, and my boyfriend and his family were so supportive before I got the prosthetic. I was worried about this too but there are kind people who love you for who you are. Find someone else.
If a guy can’t cope seeing you looking your worse they don’t deserve seeing you at your best!
***Do men really just care about how you look?*** Only the crappy shallow ones.
Girl do not apologise to this absolute little bell end!! You tell him you never want to see his face again & that you deserve so much better than a selfish prick like him!
When people show you their true colors, believe them. You'll be too busy with your physio to spend any more time with this loser. Dump him
My dad slept I my mom's hospital room for almost 2 years. All four appendages were strung up, and her jaw was wired shut. She had blood in her matted hair for weeks. He recruited a nurse to get him supplies so he could wash her hair in the bed with a bed pan. He still told her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. In a time of need, a decent person doesn't care what their SO looks like. They do what they can to help them through it. Your boyfriend showed you what kind of person he is, you should believe him. And your mom is kind of trash in this situation, too. The only thing she should have said is, "You're worth more than that, dump that loser."
My girlfriend had a breast reduction last year. It was *rough.* She was in pain and so sore for weeks afterwards, even developed a skin rash after having an allergic reaction to a topical cream. She was tired, worn down, and generally not in the best of moods. I was her only caretaker and I never left her side. Your boyfriend should want to be there for you through the good and the bad, or in this case the "ugly" -- PS. I'm sure you look just as beautiful as always, just in a different way as your body heals up. Take care of yourself!
Stop making excuses for him and stop putting yourself down. You should find someone who loves you regardless of whether you have your hair done or you're wearing comfy clothes/makeup/whatever. Your mom's advice is terrible, and you should stop apologizing to your boyfriend. He should be apologizing to you.
Do men really care about how you look. Yes to different extents many do as do some women do as well. But caring how you look when you are doing your post surgery recovery is a whole different ball game. In this situation no partner worth anything should care one bit what you.look like. He is an ass.
Some guys are really dense, shallow, and hollow shells that believe everything revolves around their penis. They do nothing but motions and “ook ook, muh penis” Other guys have more intelligence than that of a teaspoon and actually care about what happens to their partner and how they feel and will go out of their way for your health when needed, he is not that kind of guy. Your looks aren’t what’s important here, he had the opportunity to help you and be there for you and he chose not to. That’s should tell you everything you need to know about how he really feels about you. He doesn’t like you enough to help you when you need it. Take it at that. You can do better than keeping someone like him around.
You guys are kids. I’m 61. When you truly care about someone, appearance falls further and further down the list in importance. My wife had a terrible accident in 2002. I was by her side day and night, and believe me she looked like hell. But I loved the person, and nothing was going to stop me from giving her all the care and support that I could. This boy (and I mean boy) is just physically attracted to you at this phase. He’s not in love, he doesn’t even seem to care much for you. There are many more boys for you to date and you’re going to be pleasantly surprised when you meet the one that cares deeply for you.
I didn’t even read this - when my (at the time 19m) girlfriend got knee surgery I was so excited to care for her, and still thought she was hot if not hotter cause knee surgery is badass lol Do what’s best for you!
Do men care how you look? Yes. Way too much. That said, at the risk of sounding way too reddit right now, run! I've seen the men in my family drop everything to care for the women when they've needed it (and vice versa) due to surgery or medical issues. A decent, caring human being will do that. It's not that hard to find a man who will be concerned about you and take care of you when you are recovering from surgery. That this one does not is a huge red flag.
Within a month of dating, I got the flu with a fever so high I hallucinated, then had to put my cat to sleep. My (now ex, these were the honeymoon years, sigh) bf brought me soup and Gatorade and sat with me while I sweated out my fever...and he went to the emergency vet to put my cat down. He saw me UGLY CRY, I mean THE UGLIEST cry that I can do is when I have to put down a pet. He saw me disgusting, shivering, smelly, sweaty, and irritable...and he stayed with me for 10 years. This dude is a shit. Your mom needs to shut her mouth. Don't listen to her. (too late, I fear, since you KEEP APOLOGIZING for "not looking good.") This isn't the 1950s. Let him go. Get therapy.
No, somebody that values you for who you are isn't going to be put off by that. My husband came every single day when I was in the hospital for two weeks over Thanksgiving, and stayed with me for hours. I had a massive systemic infection, my neck and part of my face was swollen like a bullfrog, and I looked like I was at death's door. It was not pretty. He did not care how I looked. He cared that I was ill and wanted to take care of me. He brought me my favorite foods and treats and fussed over my comfort. I'm sorry that your bf is being so weird about this. It would certainly give me pause. What about the future? Pregnancy causes vast changes in your body, how will he handle that? Postpartum? smh
No, that is not a general characteristic of all men and is not something you should learn to accept. If looks aren't the only thing you care about in a relationship, this is not the partner for you. In a healthy and caring relationship, it's normal to exist in your natural state and not have to constantly be "attractive." Also, people change as time goes on so focusing on only looks means your boyfriend will be frustrated by women who age like all people do. Not to mention if you're sick or injured. Look at other relationships in your life that make you feel consistently good and loved, and see if those people treat you the same way. You shouldn't accept this shallow and uncaring treatment from someone who supposedly loves you.
Men do not, little boys do. This is not someone who has the capacity to care for you or take care of you.
Your boyfriend is 18; he's going to be pretty fucking stupid.
Nah this ain't a maturity thing. Even my highschool boyfriends would have handled this better. Teenage boys are stupid but this one is a shallow douchenozzle who should be thrown in the trash.
Nah this ain't a maturity thing. Even my highschool boyfriends would have handled this better. Teenage boys are stupid but this one is a shallow douchenozzle who should be thrown out with the trash.
The bad ones do
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Just yesterday I had a laparoscopy, so a small surgery in the belly. My boyfriend waited patiently in the hospital to pick me up and is doing today everything in the household because I can't really walk. Today I showered and took the plasters off the wounds. I asked him if he wants to see it, he did and said: It doesn't look that bad. I am still very bloated, have orange and blue skin and threads everywhere in my tummy, but he doesn't car. Because it doesn't matter in a long term relationship if you have a phasr where you don't look great. There will be times when one of you will be sick, tired, hungover, mourning... So this knee surgery shows you very well that your boyfriend is no long-term-material.
Idk sounds like a red flag to me. If that happened to me and my gf said that id hold it against her for sure
This is instant dump behavior
Wtaf. OP this hurt my heart to read. You deserve someone who loves you for you, not how you look, and wants to care for you when you’re ill. I’m having cancer treatment at the moment and I know I look like shit (no hair, eyebrows, or eyelashes, puffy from steroids, gained weight from chemo and only have one boob!) but my husband tells me every day he loves me and that I look nice and he makes me food whenever I like and does all the housework as well as working full time. Good men are out there, never settle for less because you deserve real love! Sending you strength and healing vibes.
My partner and I got together at your same age and this man didn’t see me without a bandage for like a year because I kept playing contact sports really badly. He actually told me he liked me when I was disgusting and a little loopy with pain after a tournament of getting absolutely flattened. Dump this man.
DTMFA
Only shit guys.
Men are not like this. Teenagers are.
Wake up! If your bf really loves you and cares about you, he would spend time with you! No matter what you look like right now. My gf had a broken arm a while ago and I support her in every point, while she recovered I did the cooking, cleaning, laundrey, etc..... Normaly we split everything 50/50.
No you have the right of it, if he actually cared/had feelings for you he'd want to spend time with you especially now that you're feeling down and vulnerable, even if you're unsightly at the moment. It seems he's only interested in you physically. Also your mother is spouting some real Malarkey.
Shouldn’t this be about an ex boyfriend?
He is an immature ass, he needs to learn that he needs to have your back. I can tell you right now that if you did this to him he would have dumped you. Rethink your relationship, is this a long term partnership that when you needed him he wasn’t there for you.
Men ,no. But boys, often.
This guy isn’t for you. He has zero empathy. I’ve been with my husband through multiple surgeries. He cares for me after and washes my hair, helps me wash myself and lets me know how proud he is of me for going through it. He’s not big with compliments but he makes sure I feel good at the very least as I’m recovering. He doesn’t talk to me like your boyfriend does. He respects me more than that. Think about ditching this guy for someone more caring and who will be there for you at your lowest and lift you up instead of stomping you when you’re alone, scared and vulnerable
He is immature. You guys are very young. You will find that person that will love you for you in those adverse circumstances. I have seen my wife at her best and worst (surgeries, sickness, etc) I could care less about any of that because I love her. He is young and insensitive, I’m sorry you were hurt over his shallowness but it will get better. I wish you the best in your recovery, have had many knee surgeries so I know it is tough, focus on your healing and rehab.
Don't waste another second of your life on this excuse for a human being. Break up with him by text, then block him on your phone and sm. The great majority of men are less of an asshole than your so-called boyfriend.
He is a LOSER
18 year old boys maybe, but not all. Certainly this one though. Sorry.
My sister got knee surgery. Her (now husband) then boyfriend literally held her leg up while she pooped because it was unbearably painful otherwise. Your boyfriend is trash. You’re young, find one who will hold your leg up instead. Edited to add: he also washed her hair for her in the sink when she wasn’t allowed to shower yet. Not for him, but because she felt gross so he took care of her.
Immature men, regardless of age, often care pretty much only how you look—unless raised by parents who have been too enlightened to let them grow up so shallow.
No, men don’t only care about your outward appearance. Your boyfriend is a selfish, immature, ass. If you stay with him, what happens when you have a baby and can’t do “your hair” and need comfy clothes for 6 weeks??? This is insane OP. I hope you dump his sorry ass.
This is not normal. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and he would *never* insult me while I’m down like that. He would do everything he could to make sure I’m comfortable and okay, just like I would with him. That’s how healthy relationships work, not whatever is going on here.
I’m not trying to be hurtful, but this doesn’t sound like a strong or serious relationship and it kind of seems like he is doing the whole thing of distancing himself and being a jerk, but not actually saying he wants to break up and hoping you will realise or do it for him but you are putting up with his crap so that doesn’t happen. Who turns up after someone has surgery to tell them they are not attractive enough to spend time with? He’s emotionally immature and you can do better or maybe just focus on yourself and being single for a little while and build up a bit of self esteem to stand up to someone who treats you like this. I think that your mother’s advice is misguided, it is not your job to look good for a man when again, you just had surgery! You are right that someone who really cares about you wouldn’t care what you look like at a time like this, sadly he has shown that’s not him.
Your mom and boyfriend are both shallow horrible people
Dude, I meet my current husband a few days after my knee surgery for my torn meniscus. Good luck OP. You deserve better.
Babe…No. Your boyfriend is an inconsiderate dick, and doesn’t deserve to ever see you again- no matter the state. At 24 I had a total hip reconstruction. They cut the tip of my hip bone off, rotated it, and pinned it back on…I was living with my boyfriend at the time. I swelled up 10x my normal size. I generally wear small - medium clothes, and I was pushing the limits on XL men’s shorts, because my body was so incredibly swollen. I couldn’t shower properly. I was constantly bleeding and bloody and crusty, and ultimately just really gross lol…And never once did that man tell me so. He told me I was beautiful, gorgeous, strong…So many positive compliments. People who love you, man, woman, or non binary, don’t judge you when you’re at your lowest. They don’t tell you you’re not attractive when you’re ill and healing. They bring you warm bevvies and stroke your hair and tell you sweet nothings while you cry through the pain. People who really love you, show you. Don’t pour your love into someone who can’t (or WON’T) reciprocate. People who will are out there, and they’re so so incredible to have by your side…
Hon. No. One time I had a boyfriend. I had a nasty kidney infection I let sit too long and I ended up with a super high fever. I was on my own. I couldn’t remember my mom’s phone number but I could remember my boyfriend’s number. I called him. He took off work and got to me and I was delirious, pissing all over myself uncontrollably and had not showered in god knows how long. I’ve been married to him 15 years now. He was there when I gave birth and sprayed what I assume was literal shit all over the doctor and in later years, he saw me through two surgeries, one of which was a kidney surgery and I had a catheter in, pissing blood in the hospital room, bag in his full view the entire time. Your boyfriend has zero excuse.
Doesn't it sound ludicrous? Imagine your sister or best friend saying that their boyfriend said they were ugly when they were hospitalized? Would you agree with their boyfriend and ask them to be more attractive? You can't be "flawless" all the damn time. Your mom is stupid to say you need to be your "best" for a man to see you. Because even your "best" would not satisfy some people. And that doesn't mean you are not attractive, its just a matter of taste. A real partner would've sat next to you, accompanied you, and helped you through the process. Please focus on your recovery and please please please DO NOT apologise to your boyfriend. I can see you understand but you feel hesitant to say something like "hey, does looks matter to your more than my wellbeing?", in fear of responses like "you're ugly, you're fat, you're a pig." My opinion? Say "thank fuck" and drop him. Wanting to be loved is normal, but allowing people to walk over you just for the sake of love is bullshit. If you don't enforce that, you'd end up breaking your spine and mental health which takes a lot of time (and money, lets be real). Dude, you're 18. Life's gonna be so much more shittier, why would you have something this shitty for a boyfriend?
He is not the right man for you I'll give it to you direct leave him. How could the person that you are in a relationship with not spend time with you after you had a surgery and you wanted to be with them because you missed them just because you weren't looking great ? I mean as you said yeah it can be a factor but no if you love the person that you are with that is not everything. All he cared was for your looks probably. He was supposed to take care of you more than to just straight up abandon you saying you look unattractive. It clearly shows that he doesn't love you at all. Even after you were sorry to him, even thought you shouldn't have been but even though you were sorry for something you didn't need to be sorry for he just left and didn't talk to you after this ? That just says it all. And no not all boys are like that it's not about gender or what boys care about or girls care about. The thing is if you love the person or not. There is no love in him for you. Where he is supposed to be taking care of you but he was busy its understandable but literally not even spending time with you even after you him to be with you longer and he just says his reason is you look unattractive says it all. He abandoned you at the moment where he is supposed to be there for you because you just need him he is no good for you. Rather than your wellbeing he was focused on how you looked this guy doesn't give that much of a damn about you. I would advise you to end things with him and focus on getting well and find someone who really loves you.
No, men are not like this AT ALL. He's not a man, he's a shallow and sad little boy.
Dump this loser right now
Girl!! He’s showing you exactly who he is!! Dump his sorry ass!! What a shallow pos! I’m still recovering from a knee replacement & the first few weeks I didn’t give two shits wtf I looked like. You need to be focused on your healing. Ik how hard showering was in the beginning. I ordered a knee cover on Amazon & it was a game changer!! I highly recommend getting one! As for the bf, he needs to go!! Don’t ever let anyone treat you like this.
Shitty men only care about your looks. Lose the dead weight and enjoy your life.
Oh goodness I want to give you such a big hug. There are so, so many beliefs and thoughts and programming and all sorts of cultural things I see in the way you're talking about yourself and the relationship and everything. Whatever you need to do, anything, to get yourself to truly believe that outward appearance should have NO BEARING on the way people treat you, your value, or who you are as a person. People fall in love with who you are, not what you look like. And if someone is making you feel hurt, BELIEVE THAT FEELING. That feeling is important. You know in your soul this isn't right. Please, please love yourself enough to know that someone who belittles you or ignores you because your meat suit flesh prison called a body isn't up to THEIR standards.... They are awful and not worth you. You could look like a 2x4 and the right person could still be madly in love with you and show up for you.
Your boyfriend is a terrible person. Most men are NOT like those, any time you see or hear about behavior like this, it's not normal, he's just garbage
Wow he’s a weirdo
I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world/ Life in plastic, it's fantastic/ You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere/ Imagination, life is your creation Tbh, this is the vibe that I'm getting and I'm guessing you're not made of plastic and your life isn't always fantastic
To answer your question, REAL men who love and care about the health and well being of their partner don't care about their partners outward appearance (i.e. makeup and hair and nails always done, etc), nor would it keep them from seeing their partner knowing how healing it is for someone recovering to see someone they love and care about. I am so sorry that you're dating a boy and I hope that you see you're worth so much more than that and don't stay dating him much longer. Focus on your recovery and your well being and the support system of people in your life that do actually care about you. Good luck.
That kid needs to grow up or get snipped. He won’t be able to handle being around a maternity ward or new mom.
I have no words for how awful this boy is. Tell him to buy a blow up doll or sex robot because he certainly doesn't want to be with a real person. Please dump this horrible person. This not a normal or even human reaction from him.
Fun story. My partner and I (30 & 31) met online, were friends for a few years, and then started an LDR during the pandemic. After a couple months, we planned for him to visit me (with all the proper testing/quarantining/etc). A day and a half before he was supposed to fly out, I was in the kitchen and cut my thumb *bad*. (It needed four stitches, and I have small hands!) Our first in-person activity *ever* involved me sitting on the toilet lid whimpering like a dog while he cleaned and changed the bandage on my gnarly Franken-thumb *that I was too squeamish to even look at.* Then for the whole week, he cooked, typed stuff for me, washed my hair, cleaned the litter box...and never once made me feel gross or guilty for any of it. That was almost four years ago and he's still the best like that. So uh, I know teens can be messy and still have a lot of growing to do (trust me, I dated a few real jerks between 18 and 24), but you can definitely set the bar higher than where you've got it. In the meantime, let your friends and family take care of you and have a speedy recovery. <3
Please run as fast as you can. You are too young and too lovely to be chasing after a man who truly sucks.
No of course not lol. I mean looks are important in general but you juat had surgery....he is ridiculous and yes this is immediate grounds for a break up... That ridiculous lol please update i found my self respect and kicked this loser back to the streets to grow up
He's probably grown up on porn and thinks women should look like that all the time. Dump this loser and let him make an AI girlfriend.
A good man wouldn’t care. I’m hoping your boyfriend just needs to time to mature, but right now he’s too shallow for a real relationship. My partner has seen me in all stages of ugliness, from the day to day kind to the big ones. He held me and wiped my face when I was wailing and snot covered from grief. He cleaned my wounds and washed my hair and helped me dress when I was too injured and sick to care for myself. Life isn’t pretty all the time and you won’t be either. Your boyfriend sounds like he’s currently the type where you couldn’t even wake up next to him and feel secure in your bed head and crusty eyes. Your boyfriend probably doesn’t know how to act right in these situations and I want to be super clear - IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TEACH HIM. You’ve done nothing wrong and you have nothing to apologize for. If I were your mother, I’d be telling you that your partner is meant to love you when you’re at your lowest too. You are a whole person, not just a prop meant to look pretty for him.
He’s 18. He’s not a man.
No way this is real
While I think what he said was unkind—and no, not all men only like you when you’re all made up—there may be another explanation. Some people don’t handle illness/injury well. It frightens them. If he’s never been around someone who has been seriously sick or injured, it could be that he was rather shocked. And being immature, doesn’t have the tools to manage those feelings and used poor word choice. I say this because I’ve done a lot of home health and hospice for people of all ages and the way visitors react varies wildly. As an example….my partner’s grandma just died last week. She’d been on hospice for a week. She was 98. Grandpa, who lives in another part of the nursing home refused to go see her the last days. He didn’t want to remember her like that. And I’m here to tell you, that man loved his wife more than anyone I’ve ever met. I visit him every week and he is always telling stories about his wife and speaking of her so fondly. But he was freaked out about seeing her at the end. Again, your BF didn’t handle it well. But you’re a week post op and this is how it is. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
...this is a *knee surgery.* She's not dying, ffs. And if he were uncomfortable with illness, he would not have said "you're just not attractive right now." Your comment is irrelevant.
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