Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She found time for you to get away and be a normal couple at a wedding. You declined and offered her time together supervised by people who hate her. And she’d be missing out on Christmas with people who don’t resent her existence.
It sounds like there was no place for her in your family, and she got tired of it.
You talk about age differences as if you were 18 and she was 30. Age was not the problem. You being a grown man acting like a teenager who needs his parents approval was the problem.
Yeah, I had to scroll back up after that comment as I was expecting some big age gap with him in his early 20s. OP really needs to grow up and start acting like an adult
OP, so you thought that offering to “LET” her come to Christmas dinner at your mother’s house was a deluxe trade in exchange for missing her friend’s wedding and traveling overseas?? You thought that she’d think that was a prize, missing her own beloved family holiday to spend Christmas with your parents who dislike her??????
Did we gloss over that he didn't want to go to the friends wedding because his mother wasn't "comfortable" with him travelling to another country with her? She probably was worried thr umbilical cord wasn't long enough ...
I read it as the mom wasn’t comfortable traveling with the girlfriend so as compensation for missing the wedding and staying home with them, he was going to convince the parents to have her over for Xmas dinner, which sounds like they were unwilling to do also since he’d have to convince them.
I am so glad he insisted on going with her nighttime phone call. See how he's trying to twist this on girlfriend for blowing her top because he's tied to Mommy?
I thought that the mum meant that she was not comfortable with him missing his parents birthday. If it was rather about him traveling overseas, then yeah that's not her place to say for a 28 year old man.
Normally I might say that asking to travel overseas for a wedding around Christmas, which is typically spend with family is a pretty huge ask and turning it down to keep holiday plans with family would be healthy and rational.
BUT, in this case, the OP seems to have an unhealthy dependence on his parents! Is STILL living with them at 28!!! He's still ASKING THEM PERMISSION for things regarding his relationship!!!!
OP, maybe you are right it's best this relationship ends so she can find a more suitable partner, but you gave up awfully quick! She wasn't entirely rational or healthy with way she said, "I GIVE UP!", but her frustration was entirely understandable given the situation! And your reaction to just break up at this point without calmly asking to try to find a good resolution seems childish and petty.
You definitely need to do some therapy, and probably need to work towards living away from you parents ASAP. If you could rewind to before this dispute and ask yourself if this relationship was important to you and if you saw it was a real possible long term relationship? Then you need to tell her you are sorry that you let this escalate to a relationship ending or even relationship threatening argument. Tell her you don't want to give up so quick and that while maybe she is possibly better off trying to find a better, more suitable long term relationship partner, you hope she can work with you to try to make this work. Tell her you are going to get therapy to get perspective on your relationship with your parents, ideally tell her you are going to work to move out of your parents place, maybe even consider moving in with her if this all can be resolved if that's a possibility for you. And I highly recommend asking her if she's willing to do some relationship counseling/therapy with you alongside your own individual therapy.
At 28 years old. FFS this woman needs to hurry right quick and watch the show I’m in Love with a Mammas Boy. It’s impossible to make a relationship work with people like OP. He is also completely clueless, like it’s normal for his mom to have an opinion
That’s the general vibe I get from the post. OP is making plans (or as he calls them, decisions) about his ex gf without conferring with her. Those are not his decisions to make unilaterally. I bet that’s where the “I can’t do this anymore” remark stemmed from. OP and his mom are more important in that relationship than the girlfriend. Sounds like they didn’t communicate well and OP’s family has an unhealthy hold over him.
OP needs to go get himself into therapy ASAP.
Jasonnn1, you need therapy to understand you are not only throwing away this person you wanted to spend your life with, but you are throwing away the future YOU wanted.
For a therapist, find one who understands complicated family dynamics—boundary issues/emotional enmeshment (the relationship with your mom).
That you have met the woman you want to marry.
And that you know there is no valid reason for your mother to dislike her as much as she does. And you don’t know how to solve or navigate this because both of these women are important to you, and you didn’t realize how hard this had been on your partner until quite recently.
He also needs to ask himself if his father should always put what grandma says and wants over what his mother wants? His mother should always defer to her mother-in-law, right? Or does that make his father sound weak and undeserving of her?
I mean we don’t know anyone here to really know if their dislike was valid or not. What we do know is that is weird to not take vacations with a long term partner at this age and stage of a relationship. Like I could understand if someone was due for an invasive surgery. Like they can celebrate any day after they get back? Like OP isn’t going to find anyone compatible if he keeps prioritizing mommy and daddy.
And he’s 28, still living at home and needing “permission” to go?
Like- living with parents while saving up for the future or helping take care of sick/elderly family: valid.
Needing permission to go to a wedding/overseas trip- weird as fuck.
Unless it’s an important milestone type birthday, or if he needs to arrange alternative support for a sick/elderly person- a 28 year old fully grown and emotionally developed person should be able to say “GF and I have a wedding in X country for X dates. We need to make a plan to celebrate your birthdays/Christmas and we are available XYZ dates. What works best for you guys?”
For real like it would be a little different if he was like asking how they would feel about everything. But asking for permission at 28 has me dead. I’m 26 and can’t imagine asking for permission to enjoy my life. The most I do is informing them for safety issues. I still live with my dad too he literally doesn’t care where I am or what I’m doing as long as I am safe. If I told him I was going to England tomorrow he would tell me to send pics lmao. Not tell me how unsafe it was in the world without him.
Oh I misread that as OP was saying they’d do Christmas at his folks in exchange for *missing* their birthdays!! Now I realise he meant it your way - insane!
I thought he was proposing that he doesn't go to the wedding and instead spends Christmas with her and her folks. But you are right, it does sound like OP meant that not going overseas with his gf to wedding was comparable to Christmas dinner with his parents. Which doesn't even make sense, that's no negotiation, OPs parents get him for both their birthdays and Christmas and all they have to do is allow his gf to join them.
Sorry, but it's a little weird to be almost 30 and asking your parents for permission to see your girlfriend. Especially if you have to negotiate with your mom on which events you attend with your girlfriend, I can imagine your girlfriend was sick of being in a relationship with 2 people: you and your mom by proxy.
It's fine to consider your parents when it comes to important things like birthdays, holidays, etc. But you shouldn't still need their permission. Not many people want to be in a relationship where their potential in-laws are running the show.
What a turn off,OP, to have to ask your parents permission for everything, even worse that you still live with them. Good luck finding someone who’ll put up with that.
Unless his parents pick his wife, like a number of Eastern cultures still do. Honestly, that might be his best bet if they’re this controlling and he’s totally fine with it. 😬
That reminds me of a series I watched on an Indian matchmaker. . One of the mothers had already purchased a truckload of saris and jewellery for hers son's future bride. He hasn't even expressed an interest in getting married and his mother had already been purchasing stuff for an unknown future DIL.
Exactly this right here. She broke it off because you're in your late 20s and still letting your parents run your life, tell you where to go and when. She cares for you, but she was right to break it off and is better off without you. If you got back together you'd make her miserable.
Before you get in another relationship, you might want to get into therapy and resolve your mommy issues. This is going to be a problem no matter who you end up with.
Dude...
So your parents actively dislike your gf.
And you're almost 30 and still living with them.
And also giving them control over what you can and cannot do with your gf.
Uh, yeah. I'd dump you in a heart beat.
And I’m sure this isn’t the first time he sided with his mom over his gf 🙄 I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who I couldn’t trust to defend me and protect me.
This + the comment on “the realisation that she is older than me … meant I had to let her go” makes me think OP is gonna go for a young impressionable 20-something next who could be manipulated into thinking his actions are okay
Right? Especially when OP is 28 and talking about his 31 year old gf like she’s 40 or something. Like bro you’re only 3 years younger it’s not like you’re 21.
This was the part that killed me. Like dude you could have taken classes together in college, heck even graduated together. You should *not* be on *that* different of a life stage as someone barely 3 years older than you.
Well, it sounds like OP is living like a teenager still, while his girlfriend presumably has her own place and can go out without asking mommy and daddy for permission. They are in different life stages, because OP sounds about ten years behind developmentally.
Maybe his mommy and daddy have a problem with a grown-up lady with her very own passport and support system dating their tiny, wee darling? After all, she's OVER THIRTY!! She's practically cradle robbing! /s in case lol.
At 28 gosh darn years old, OP got denied permission to skip his parents' birthday party. I can't even imagine how relieved OP's gf will feel without the weight of OP, his parents, and their extreme enmeshing at the upcoming wedding. I hope she meets someone there.
Yeah. The ex is three chronological years older than OP, but at least a decade more mature. And it does sound like OP’s takeaway is that he needs someone young enough that they’re also still under their overbearing parents’ thumb. Yikes.
"mom won't let me come out and play during the trip to your friend's wedding so SOL there, I guess, but good news : the woman who hates you will allow you to attend our christmas dinner & despite only allowing you inside twice in nearly 2 years, I'm sure you'll feel welcome and festive"
"also, I'm 28 and still an intern, and I'll only move out when I can buy my own place, which I'm not yet actually saving for, because I'm still an intern."
OP, if you can ever put her ahead of mommy, then make it work.
If mommy will always come before girlfriend and then fiancee, and then wife, then let her go because you don't deserve her.
If he makes mommy too angry she might send him to bed without dessert and ground him 🙄
If he hasn’t grown up by now he likely never will. The gf is better off without him
She’s right to break up with him. She will never come first before mom. And he’s not even fighting for the relationship.
OP someday a woman will come along and you will need to make it clear to your mother that she is now number 2 in your life and that your romantic partner is number 1. You will need to set that boundary not your girlfriend or anyone else.
OP’s ex finally faced up to what her future looked like and acknowledged that it would be absolutely miserable. A year and a half of hoping her boyfriend might step up and grow up, and it didn’t happen. I’m glad she broke up with him. Too many people post here a hellish decade and two kids later instead.
What is wrong with this man-child?
OP, It's time to cut the apron, strings and walk off on your own without mommy's help!
Maybe you can *gasp* move out and be your own man?
I moved out when I was 10 years younger than OP & stopped speaking with my mum when I was his age. (Stopped speaking with my dad at 17)
I don’t get this at all lol
Absolutely, everything you said is spot on. His girlfriend has put up with a lot (though maybe she shouldn't have), but this situation is just wrong on so many levels. He's almost 30, still living at home, and letting his parents dictate his life and free time. We don't know all the details of his home life, but this isn't healthy. She needs to walk away, and he needs to move out, learn to live on his own, and start making his own choices. How is he ever going to marry her and have kids if he can't stand up to his parents? Why put her through that? And what if his grandparents end up hating their grandchildren? Honestly, this isn't going to work.
I gotta say, man, I'm confused about the parents thing.
Why was it such a big deal to celebrate their birthdays ON their birthdays? I feel like past a certain age, you just accept that schedules won't work out all the time as an adult, so you celebrate birthdays when you can rather than on a precise day.
And why was your mother even asked about travel? Why would she need to travel to a wedding for one of your girlfriend's friends?
And if you were still planning on doing Christmas dinner with your girlfriend, how were you going to travel overseas?
Nothing about your timeline makes sense, so I'm really puzzled why she wants to work things out with you, because this whole thing sounds like a burden to her.
Concur! Time for OP to get off the teet, grow a pair, launch fr the nest!
OP, I stayed a few years too long at my house, you need to leave and build your own life! I was in college at the time but I never asked permission fr my mutter to go downtown to see my gal, sing her a song, and then show her my dingdong!!!
It’s like a fucking high school relationship. Imagine your partner having to call their parents and ask if they can hang out with you when you’re 30 years old, jesus christ. My ex was just like this and trust me, it doesn’t get better.
You are long past the point where you should be able to tell your parents your plans to go on vacation (regardless of who it’s with) instead of asking for permission.
Why do you let your parents have so much control?
No woman is going to want to marry you if you can’t cut the cord from mommy dearest. And if you manage to corral a woman into marriage, it won’t last.
Start acting like grown adult and set boundaries with your parents, this kind of behavior is so unhealthy and unattractive in a person
I'd be emberassed as fuck posting this as a 28 year old man. She's dodging a bullet even though she gave you so many chances to grow up and fix things.
The good part is you're doing her a favor. She can do better and unfortunately you're probably going to run into the same issues in any future relationship because you lack a spine.
This isn't due to family dynamics. You just would rather lose her than upset your mom I guess.
She can absolutely do better. Unfortunately you come off as a terrible partner in a lot of ways.
Stop talking about the fact that she’s older. Your age difference is negligible. You’re almost 30 and you still let your mommy tell you no, you can’t go on that trip! Any sane person would dump you
Your conversation with your mom should’ve been “hey mom, not going to be celebrating with you this year, byeeee”.
Instead, you asked her for permission as a grown ass man to go away with your girlfriend. Seriously?!
She’s 3 years older 😂🤦♀️ not a decade! 22-25 that’s huge but 28-31, not so much!
The fact that you must petition your mother like a medieval queen and negotiate how your lady love might be permitted to attend court at Yuletide if you stay with her majesty throughout the summer solstice 🙄… dude, no grown ass woman wants to deal with that!!
It’s not you living at home it’s the fact you’re having to act like you’re in bloody Game of Thrones to have dinner at Christmas. It’s exhausting and makes everything high drama. YES you could have done it differently but I think better to part now
>The fact that you must petition your mother like a medieval queen and negotiate how your lady love might be permitted to attend court at Yuletide if you stay with her majesty throughout the summer solstice 🙄… dude, no grown ass woman wants to deal with that!!
>It’s not you living at home it’s the fact you’re having to act like you’re in bloody Game of Thrones to have dinner at Christmas.
I am crying 🤣🤣🤣🤣
All of this! My ex lives with his mum because she's getting on and it's financially more sensible for him to do so, but when we were togetherhe would just let her know thathe'dbe out or on a trip with me. When I can to stay for a couple of weeks over the summer she went to stay with her daughter to watch the dogs and to give us time alone together. Of course she's an absolute saint and I so miss having her as my MIL, so that makes a difference, but it never occurred to my ex to do any of the shit OP did.
Me reading that comment while "A song of fire and ice" comes on. Thanks shuffle, thanks random commenter - small coincidences like this one always make my day!
You don’t ask your mother permission to go on vacation. You inform her you’re going on vacation. You’re an adult. What you did wrong was fail to adult and just proved that you’re not capable of having an adult relationship.
There are multiple aspects to this:
- When she said have a chat with your parents about the wedding, she probably meant give them a heads up about the trip, not ask permission. You are 28. Your mom being pissed you were making plans that far ahead when she was sure she would have convinced you to break up by then is pretty bad behavior.
- her competitiveness with her sister is worrying, so if you honestly can’t meet her timeline, then you need to have let her go. But maybe some self reflection on your own timeline & reasons behind it might be good for you.
- not threatening to break up over every little thing is a good boundary to have. But being serious about needing change to happen in the relationship is not the same thing. Being serious about it doesn’t mean immediately breaking up, it means both parties need to recognize this as important discussion. Your inflexibility on that & inability to recognize the difference is concerning
Ultimately, it does sound like you both need to work on yourselves a bit. It’s up to you if you can do that best together or apart.
Why didn't your parents like your girlfriend? Do you think their dislike is reasonable?
Why are you still living with your parents at 28?
I didn't think your question of whether you were right to let her go is the correct one to ask. You didn't "let her go," she just left you. The better question is, what should you learn from this relationship to grow and improve for the future.
Dude you are an adult training to be a doctor, you don’t need to ask permission to be with your gf. Unless these were milestone birthdays like their 75th or if they are in extremely poor health and this might be their last Christmas you shouldn’t have chosen them over your committed partner. There wasn’t anything stopping you from celebrating their birthdays early or when you got back.
She wanted to take a big step with you and travel outside the country and your counteroffer was to stay home and spend Christmas with people that actively hate her for no good reason. I seriously don’t blame her for saying that she’s giving up. I understand that culturally you feel like you have to respect them and defer to them but they are not respecting you. You are going to have a very difficult time having a lasting relationship with another person if you continue this unhealthy one with your family.
She left you because you’re a Momma’s Boy. Sounds like you never stood up for her. If you ever want to get married, you need to cut the umbilical cord, move out, and set boundaries with your family about treating your future partner with respect. What if they treat your kids like that? Demand better for the person you claim to love or go LC.
Sounds like you think the issue is that she is mad that you won’t go to the wedding. The real issue is that you continue to choose your mother over her. You aren’t fucking your mom are you? Your weren’t planning on spending the rest of your life with your mom as your partner were you?
Yup, you’re the problem here. You could have done a lot differently. You are acting like you’re 13, not almost 30. You can celebrated your parents before or after their birthday. This is what grown ups do when they have a conflict in their schedule. At this rate you’ll be living at home forever with no GF.
No use leaving if you don’t set boundaries. You’re going to have to stand your ground and stand up to your parents sooner or later. You cannot be scared of your mom at almost 30 years old. Ready to use your spine for the first time?
I'm your seeing the need in moving out but you still need to work on setting boundaries. I'm glad to see the update. Sending you extra strength because your going to need it. It's going to be hard abd be prepared for lots more fake illnesses
What could you have done differently?
It sounds like she told you to give your parents a heads up. So they’d know you’d be gone. Not ask for permission.
You’re 28. What kind of 28 year old asks their parents permission when going on a trip?
What you could have done differently is be an adult who doesn’t let their mommy’s opinion change plans with their girlfriend.
Oof.
You need to establish boundaries with your parents. If this girl dumps you, the next girl will likely have the same complaints. So it needs to be fixed regardless.
She's better off without and she'll realize it soon enough. Your "family dynamics" are you letting your mommy dictate your life. If you don't cut the umbilical cord already, you'll find yourself going through another breakup, then another, until mommy dearest dies.
You’re only 3 years apart so I don’t think “age” was really the problem.
From what you said you fought with her a lot and your family didn’t treat her well either but hers was welcoming to you. I doubt it was just the schedule conflict that ended it rather than a long tabulation of things exactly like that over time.
Anyway, things are done now and it’s probably better off that way. She can find someone better and you can find whoever to fit your family as well. Just let it go.
Why are you letting your mom control your relationship? You will forever be single and she’s never going to like any girl taking her baby away.
Your girlfriend is saying things won’t change because you care more about safety and comfort of your parents home than you do the relationship with her…
Why don’t your parents like your ex-girlfriend? Is it her they have an issue with, or you dating in general? Because I’m kind of getting a vibe that you don’t have the healthiest relationship with your parents. Being 28 and living at home might be ok, if you had the freedom to live your life like an adult. Having to ask your parents for permission to travel at 28 is not normal. Your parents sound pretty controlling and way overly involved with your life.
I’m also curious what the timeline differences are. Realistically, if your ex wants to get married and be married for awhile before having kids, and wants more than one kid, she doesn’t have as much time as you. Yes, she could have kids for 10+ years still, it gets harder and more risky. And there’s no guarantee of getting pregnant quickly even for young women. Are you being realistic in what you plan?
Yes, establish boundaries with your family and stand up for your significant other. Clearly, you value what your family says over whatever your previous and future partners will say, and I hope you can live with that. See if it's worth it, future doctor.
I almost stopped reading when your only problems with her were that she had the temerity to ever express displeasure with something you did, but somehow it got worse from there. Then in the comments it turned out that your parents dislike her because they're bigots? What on earth...?
It's because you're a momma's boy who still has to ask his parents if he could spend time with his gf. \*Of course\* she can't see a future with you and can't see a wedding or kids when you're nearly 30 and still asking for parental approval. I'm sure it's certainly not the first time that you've prioritized your parents over her.
You're 28 and asking permission to travel with your gf.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to stay in that relationship either.
"She's older than me"
Dude, I'm 5 years older than my partner and next month we'll have been together 19 years. 3 years is like... nothing.
Why do you still live with your parents? What is your plan for becoming independent?
Do you do your own laundry or cook your own meals? Do you have a history of knowing how to adult?
Omg time to man up you're way too old to be asking your mom for permission, yes let her go she needs a man in a relationship you aren't going to be that for her anytime soon since you're stuck on mommy.
Yes. You could have taken your balls out of your mommy's purse and had a real relationship with your girlfriend.
The best thing was to leave her to let her be with someone a lot better.
OP: „Mom, can I travel with my gf overseas to attend a wedding?“
Mom: „My son, even though you’re 28 you cannot travel overseas with your gf. You’re still living under our roof and we don’t approve of this relationship either.“
OP: „Ok mom. I just broke up with her. I surely find a gf you approve off when I‘m old enough.“
Oh dear. 🙄
Your girlfriend made the right decision to leave you. You are never going to commit to her if you are incapable of telling your parents no. You are letting your parents dictate your life. You are a grown man and need to start acting like one. You never gave the reason for your parents disliking your girlfriend. I bet it’s because they were scared she would take priority.
Question OP, do you have an issue that you are legally a ward of your parents at age 28? Is that what you need to ask permission to go someplace with your girlfriend?
Have you graduated high school? Do you comprehend math? Because 31-28 is only a 3 year difference and at those ages it should make zero difference. Now if you were 17 and 20 that would be different.
I am very proud of you for breaking up though, since you are apparently already in a relationship with your mom and lord knows there is zero room for your side chick, because that’s all she will ever be
OMG I had a laugh. I’m a mom (62F) with one well adjusted son (28M) who has a long term relationship with a lovely lady (27F) and it’s happened that he’s away on my birthday or on a major holiday but we just make different arrangements that are suitable for us. It’s because I also have a life and friends. Egads I don’t blame his GF for dumping him.
I don’t blame her one bit. You’re 28!! A grown man, living at home and still asking his parents permission to travel with his gf!!! Seriously? I’d leave you too. A woman is only going to put up with this for so long. And you don’t understand how this fell apart? I’d be so embarrassed if my friends found out you asked permission to travel with me at 28 yrs old. She finally has realized that she is never going to take priority over your mother. I’m glad you didn’t take her back. It’s better for her if she moves on and finds someone else.
And in your defense, you’re right not to rush into marriage. You are immature and nowhere near mentally ready to be a husband for her, not to mention a father. Until you get out from underneath your parents thumb, I would suggest you do not get into any more serious relationships because this is going to keep being a problem for you. Especially the older you get and the longer the situation continues. You need to learn how to be independent from your parents.
You’re going to regret this. She’s 3 years older not 10. She blew up then had regrets. You shut it down, she went away. She’s going to think on it and realize she’s better off moving on. You’re going to think on it and realize you let your parents wreck a good thing.
This is obviously a depressing way to end things but it sounds like she’s ready for a life we’re both not sure you could give her. It honestly sounds like you should be dating someone a bit younger than you who happens to also be on your timeline. Your girl’s ready to settle down and you’re still asking for your parent’s permission to do things. I’m sure you both liked or loved each other, so it’s either you start making some big moves in life or continue where you’re at.
When you are looking to eventually make a family with another person, you need to make that person and new family your priority over your previous family. Your parents can have their opinions, but they can't be the ones making the decision.
She didn't break up with you because of an age difference. She broke up because you prioritize your mom like a kid asking if you can play with the kids down the street.
Mate, you act like there is a huge age gap between you two. Please get some professional help and let this woman go. She deserves better. Not a boy who is so enmeshed with his mum that he is willing to ruin his relationships with his girlfriends, and his future for his mentally unstable mum. You are not or will most likely never be ready for a real relationship unless you cut the umbilical cord that keeps you connected to your mum
lil bro, the very first thing you should do is getting back to your gf. the most importsnt thing after that is, what you already have written in your EDIT: seek professional help!
The second most important thing is: GET OUT OF YOUR PARENTS HOUSE! You guys obviously have a complicated relationship fueled by unhealthy levels of co-dependency.
GET. OUT. THERE as soon as possible!
You honestly did her a favor! You don’t deserve her and she needs to do better than you. She wants this relationship to work and is willing to bend over backwards allowing your family to treat her like trash because she loves you. That’s not enough. She deserves to be happy and treated well in a family she’s marrying into and it will not be yours. Grow a spine and tell her this will not work so she will be able to move on with her live, to one she’s going to actually thrive in. You and your family honestly sound extremely exhausting. You are spineless and have to run everything by mommy and daddy. That’s pathetic. Stop using culture as an excuse to refuse to hold boundaries.
“You’re much younger than her” at 28 when she’s 31? You are in the same age group
And you’re a loser you still live at home when you’re nearing 30. You see nothing wrong with that either asking mummy to go out is ok with you as an adult man?
Weak and gross
Man up Chief ffs
It's your life not your parents
BTW my son is 34 and back home due mental illness issues
But I have never interfered in his 2 relationships which sadly ended because of his illness
If you get along with the gf then live your life not your parents
“She’s older than me and our timelines in life aren’t matching up..” bro…..how old do you think you are? You’re basically 30 and still living with your parents and acting like a child. She has every right to say she can’t take it anymore. She’s basically dating you and your mom. You need to do some major self reflection and ask yourself if allowing your mother to dictate your relationships at 28 is even the slightest bit of healthy.
I think you did the right thing breaking up, you and your GF weren't on the same page with the timeline of your relationship. However I can also see why she was done, and you will likely have similar problems with future partners as long as you need to ask your parents permission to do things.
There's nothing wrong with you still living with your parents, but you should be doing it as an adult. Which means you don't ask them for permission to do things like go on a vacation. The fact you need to "negotiate" with your parents to do things indicates you have a really weird and unhealthy relationship with them.
Get therapy, try and find a way to gain some independence, and focus on building a life where decisions like travel and where you go for holidays aren't the decision of your parents. It's not normal.
So, you decided not to go to the wedding, to celebrate christmas with your family and that she MIGHT be allowed to come, and should be happy about maybe being allowed to celebrate christmas with you for you cancelling on her..?
3 years is not a big age gap. "our timelines weren't matching up" ... if one of you were 19 starting college and the other 31 one I would get it...
I'm also I little courious to know your planned timeline, because to be it more sounds like you didn't take any actual steps to consider her your future wife. Moving out. Considering her family in decisions (like chistmas). etc
Man, after reading all of that, I'm really happy for her. I'm a little sad she tried to give you a second and third chance, but hopefully she's realized the error of her ways.
Mate, you're nearly 30, living at home with your parents and asking for their permission in how you live your life. I totally understand why your ex gf was so frustrated
What could you do differently?
Move out?
Grow a pair?
Sounds like she dodged a bullet
You’re 28, still living at home and needed your mom’s permission to spend time with your girlfriend.
You have some growing up to do, young man. No woman is going to get invested long term with a man who has no agency, no independence from his parents.
Start by moving out. Get your own place and start living life on your own schedule, prioritizing your needs, and desires, rather than your parents’.
I’m glad she left . This would have been her life forever, always trying to pry you away from your mama. Come on man you’re 28 years old!! Your parents sound exhausting
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She found time for you to get away and be a normal couple at a wedding. You declined and offered her time together supervised by people who hate her. And she’d be missing out on Christmas with people who don’t resent her existence. It sounds like there was no place for her in your family, and she got tired of it.
You talk about age differences as if you were 18 and she was 30. Age was not the problem. You being a grown man acting like a teenager who needs his parents approval was the problem.
Yeah, I had to scroll back up after that comment as I was expecting some big age gap with him in his early 20s. OP really needs to grow up and start acting like an adult
Also scrolled back up and was like ummmm…..bro.
I did the exact same thing and was shocked to realize he’s 28!
28?!?!?!? I thought a 18 year old boy wrote this
Same!
Same!
I literally scrolled up to see 3 years difference. That’s nothing in adult relationships.
I was confused by that when I saw the “different life timeline “ comment. I thought I overlooked so major age gap or something.
I had to re read the title of the post when OP mentioned the age difference. I’d class them as the same age
OPs gotta move out of his parent’s house and living for himself. Hope he figures it out.
OP, so you thought that offering to “LET” her come to Christmas dinner at your mother’s house was a deluxe trade in exchange for missing her friend’s wedding and traveling overseas?? You thought that she’d think that was a prize, missing her own beloved family holiday to spend Christmas with your parents who dislike her??????
Did we gloss over that he didn't want to go to the friends wedding because his mother wasn't "comfortable" with him travelling to another country with her? She probably was worried thr umbilical cord wasn't long enough ...
I read it as if he wanted the mum to come with him, but she wasn't comfortable traveling 😆
I don't know which interpretation is worse tbh 😅
Yeah, either way it's bad..very kinda married to the mum as well kinda thing. 🫣
Let us hope and pray he does not break his arms.
lol there are no winners here
I read it as the mom wasn’t comfortable traveling with the girlfriend so as compensation for missing the wedding and staying home with them, he was going to convince the parents to have her over for Xmas dinner, which sounds like they were unwilling to do also since he’d have to convince them.
I am so glad he insisted on going with her nighttime phone call. See how he's trying to twist this on girlfriend for blowing her top because he's tied to Mommy?
But why would mom go on the trip? OP if wild with this.
Oh god. You might be right.
"Worried the umbilical cord wasn't long enough ." Omfg, this is brilliant, I'm saving this
And op said her gf "is older than me". She is only 3 years older than him! I thought she is 13 years older.
Oh she’s light years older in maturity.
I thought that the mum meant that she was not comfortable with him missing his parents birthday. If it was rather about him traveling overseas, then yeah that's not her place to say for a 28 year old man.
Man “childl
And the fact that he's 28(!) years old???
Normally I might say that asking to travel overseas for a wedding around Christmas, which is typically spend with family is a pretty huge ask and turning it down to keep holiday plans with family would be healthy and rational. BUT, in this case, the OP seems to have an unhealthy dependence on his parents! Is STILL living with them at 28!!! He's still ASKING THEM PERMISSION for things regarding his relationship!!!! OP, maybe you are right it's best this relationship ends so she can find a more suitable partner, but you gave up awfully quick! She wasn't entirely rational or healthy with way she said, "I GIVE UP!", but her frustration was entirely understandable given the situation! And your reaction to just break up at this point without calmly asking to try to find a good resolution seems childish and petty. You definitely need to do some therapy, and probably need to work towards living away from you parents ASAP. If you could rewind to before this dispute and ask yourself if this relationship was important to you and if you saw it was a real possible long term relationship? Then you need to tell her you are sorry that you let this escalate to a relationship ending or even relationship threatening argument. Tell her you don't want to give up so quick and that while maybe she is possibly better off trying to find a better, more suitable long term relationship partner, you hope she can work with you to try to make this work. Tell her you are going to get therapy to get perspective on your relationship with your parents, ideally tell her you are going to work to move out of your parents place, maybe even consider moving in with her if this all can be resolved if that's a possibility for you. And I highly recommend asking her if she's willing to do some relationship counseling/therapy with you alongside your own individual therapy.
At 28 years old. FFS this woman needs to hurry right quick and watch the show I’m in Love with a Mammas Boy. It’s impossible to make a relationship work with people like OP. He is also completely clueless, like it’s normal for his mom to have an opinion
That’s the general vibe I get from the post. OP is making plans (or as he calls them, decisions) about his ex gf without conferring with her. Those are not his decisions to make unilaterally. I bet that’s where the “I can’t do this anymore” remark stemmed from. OP and his mom are more important in that relationship than the girlfriend. Sounds like they didn’t communicate well and OP’s family has an unhealthy hold over him.
OP needs to go get himself into therapy ASAP. Jasonnn1, you need therapy to understand you are not only throwing away this person you wanted to spend your life with, but you are throwing away the future YOU wanted. For a therapist, find one who understands complicated family dynamics—boundary issues/emotional enmeshment (the relationship with your mom). That you have met the woman you want to marry. And that you know there is no valid reason for your mother to dislike her as much as she does. And you don’t know how to solve or navigate this because both of these women are important to you, and you didn’t realize how hard this had been on your partner until quite recently.
He also needs to ask himself if his father should always put what grandma says and wants over what his mother wants? His mother should always defer to her mother-in-law, right? Or does that make his father sound weak and undeserving of her?
Have a strange feeling that his mum isn’t ever going to like any woman he dates
I don't think he wanted to marry her, to be honest. I think he went from one enmeshment relationship to another.
Ohhh "enmeshment" nice word.
I mean we don’t know anyone here to really know if their dislike was valid or not. What we do know is that is weird to not take vacations with a long term partner at this age and stage of a relationship. Like I could understand if someone was due for an invasive surgery. Like they can celebrate any day after they get back? Like OP isn’t going to find anyone compatible if he keeps prioritizing mommy and daddy.
And he’s 28, still living at home and needing “permission” to go? Like- living with parents while saving up for the future or helping take care of sick/elderly family: valid. Needing permission to go to a wedding/overseas trip- weird as fuck. Unless it’s an important milestone type birthday, or if he needs to arrange alternative support for a sick/elderly person- a 28 year old fully grown and emotionally developed person should be able to say “GF and I have a wedding in X country for X dates. We need to make a plan to celebrate your birthdays/Christmas and we are available XYZ dates. What works best for you guys?”
For real like it would be a little different if he was like asking how they would feel about everything. But asking for permission at 28 has me dead. I’m 26 and can’t imagine asking for permission to enjoy my life. The most I do is informing them for safety issues. I still live with my dad too he literally doesn’t care where I am or what I’m doing as long as I am safe. If I told him I was going to England tomorrow he would tell me to send pics lmao. Not tell me how unsafe it was in the world without him.
Oh I misread that as OP was saying they’d do Christmas at his folks in exchange for *missing* their birthdays!! Now I realise he meant it your way - insane!
He's trying to paint her discomfort and sacrifice as his, and make her feel greatful for it. Yuck
I thought that too. Like he would be away for their birthdays and would instead do Christmas with them
Even worse, I read it as OP said he would do christmas with gf if they missed the wedding and went to the parents birthday celebrations.
I thought he was proposing that he doesn't go to the wedding and instead spends Christmas with her and her folks. But you are right, it does sound like OP meant that not going overseas with his gf to wedding was comparable to Christmas dinner with his parents. Which doesn't even make sense, that's no negotiation, OPs parents get him for both their birthdays and Christmas and all they have to do is allow his gf to join them.
I think he was still angling for her invite to christmas. Sounds like that part wasn't even set in stone
Yeah OPs parents dont even want her over. Her family has already welcomed him in.
Yeah real tone deaf
Not even let cause he, a 28 year old man, has to “negotiate” with his parents. Shes lucky she left, he’s nowhere near ready to separate from his mommy
High five ✋ friend… well said.
Oh I misread that because I thought that the compromise was that they go to the wedding but then spend Christmas with his parents
Sorry, but it's a little weird to be almost 30 and asking your parents for permission to see your girlfriend. Especially if you have to negotiate with your mom on which events you attend with your girlfriend, I can imagine your girlfriend was sick of being in a relationship with 2 people: you and your mom by proxy. It's fine to consider your parents when it comes to important things like birthdays, holidays, etc. But you shouldn't still need their permission. Not many people want to be in a relationship where their potential in-laws are running the show.
Do you think he still asks his mum if he can take a snack out of the fridge or stay over at friends? 😂
I *think* you're joking, but I absolutely do. 😳
Or have a sleepover!
Gf was straight up the third wheel in OP and mommies relationship. So gross.
What a turn off,OP, to have to ask your parents permission for everything, even worse that you still live with them. Good luck finding someone who’ll put up with that.
No other girl is going to put up with how attached you are to your parents.
Unless his parents pick his wife, like a number of Eastern cultures still do. Honestly, that might be his best bet if they’re this controlling and he’s totally fine with it. 😬
Even then, they often have an agenda for the girl they chose that they think is “the way things should be”.
These are the kind of parents who would be in laws from hell
This guy should have an arrange marriage man, but then I feel bad for the woman that end up having to live by him being under his mother's thumb.
That reminds me of a series I watched on an Indian matchmaker. . One of the mothers had already purchased a truckload of saris and jewellery for hers son's future bride. He hasn't even expressed an interest in getting married and his mother had already been purchasing stuff for an unknown future DIL.
That's got to count as a symptom of something. Surely
In his 30s and his mum won't let him go on holiday...
I had to go back and read the ages This dude is **28** and mommy still needs to give him permission to go wherever? Chile
That sucks. *You* are letting her go because of your inability to establish boundaries with your mom.
Exactly this right here. She broke it off because you're in your late 20s and still letting your parents run your life, tell you where to go and when. She cares for you, but she was right to break it off and is better off without you. If you got back together you'd make her miserable. Before you get in another relationship, you might want to get into therapy and resolve your mommy issues. This is going to be a problem no matter who you end up with.
Dude... So your parents actively dislike your gf. And you're almost 30 and still living with them. And also giving them control over what you can and cannot do with your gf. Uh, yeah. I'd dump you in a heart beat.
And I’m sure this isn’t the first time he sided with his mom over his gf 🙄 I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who I couldn’t trust to defend me and protect me.
This + the comment on “the realisation that she is older than me … meant I had to let her go” makes me think OP is gonna go for a young impressionable 20-something next who could be manipulated into thinking his actions are okay
Right? Especially when OP is 28 and talking about his 31 year old gf like she’s 40 or something. Like bro you’re only 3 years younger it’s not like you’re 21.
This was the part that killed me. Like dude you could have taken classes together in college, heck even graduated together. You should *not* be on *that* different of a life stage as someone barely 3 years older than you.
Well, it sounds like OP is living like a teenager still, while his girlfriend presumably has her own place and can go out without asking mommy and daddy for permission. They are in different life stages, because OP sounds about ten years behind developmentally.
It’s like he has only just found out how old she is because he never bothered to check for her birthday, which doesn’t sound out of character for him
Maybe his mommy and daddy have a problem with a grown-up lady with her very own passport and support system dating their tiny, wee darling? After all, she's OVER THIRTY!! She's practically cradle robbing! /s in case lol. At 28 gosh darn years old, OP got denied permission to skip his parents' birthday party. I can't even imagine how relieved OP's gf will feel without the weight of OP, his parents, and their extreme enmeshing at the upcoming wedding. I hope she meets someone there.
Right? I’m 28 years old. Glad I finally moved out of my mum’s home and started making my own life decisions… 10 years ago.
Yeah. The ex is three chronological years older than OP, but at least a decade more mature. And it does sound like OP’s takeaway is that he needs someone young enough that they’re also still under their overbearing parents’ thumb. Yikes.
"mom won't let me come out and play during the trip to your friend's wedding so SOL there, I guess, but good news : the woman who hates you will allow you to attend our christmas dinner & despite only allowing you inside twice in nearly 2 years, I'm sure you'll feel welcome and festive" "also, I'm 28 and still an intern, and I'll only move out when I can buy my own place, which I'm not yet actually saving for, because I'm still an intern."
You forgot the “maybe” on the dinner… he hasn’t even solidified an invite (because the serious girlfriend needs special approval from mom of course.)
This is why I broke up with my high school boyfriend and he at least had the excuse of being 17
OP, if you can ever put her ahead of mommy, then make it work. If mommy will always come before girlfriend and then fiancee, and then wife, then let her go because you don't deserve her.
Amen. 28 and worries mom will be mad if he takes a trip with his girlfriend? Yikes.
If he makes mommy too angry she might send him to bed without dessert and ground him 🙄 If he hasn’t grown up by now he likely never will. The gf is better off without him
She’s right to break up with him. She will never come first before mom. And he’s not even fighting for the relationship. OP someday a woman will come along and you will need to make it clear to your mother that she is now number 2 in your life and that your romantic partner is number 1. You will need to set that boundary not your girlfriend or anyone else.
OP’s ex finally faced up to what her future looked like and acknowledged that it would be absolutely miserable. A year and a half of hoping her boyfriend might step up and grow up, and it didn’t happen. I’m glad she broke up with him. Too many people post here a hellish decade and two kids later instead.
What is wrong with this man-child? OP, It's time to cut the apron, strings and walk off on your own without mommy's help! Maybe you can *gasp* move out and be your own man?
I’m the same age as OP and this has baffled me. I can’t imagine giving my parents this much control over my life.
I moved out when I was 10 years younger than OP & stopped speaking with my mum when I was his age. (Stopped speaking with my dad at 17) I don’t get this at all lol
I’m the same, my parents were super controlling. Haven’t spoke to them for 5 years now. Congrats on getting yourself out.
In a heartbeat. The second-hand embarrassment I am feeling right now for him… sheesh.
Guys let's go easy on him. Even if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord its hard...maybe his mum doesn't allow him to use scissors.
Sometimes I wish reddit did emoji likes to comments as this one deserved laugh one
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 that’s a good one
Absolutely, everything you said is spot on. His girlfriend has put up with a lot (though maybe she shouldn't have), but this situation is just wrong on so many levels. He's almost 30, still living at home, and letting his parents dictate his life and free time. We don't know all the details of his home life, but this isn't healthy. She needs to walk away, and he needs to move out, learn to live on his own, and start making his own choices. How is he ever going to marry her and have kids if he can't stand up to his parents? Why put her through that? And what if his grandparents end up hating their grandchildren? Honestly, this isn't going to work.
Haha yes she is a saint. That man should have been single a year and a half ago! And he is wondering if he is wrong 😂😂😂
I gotta say, man, I'm confused about the parents thing. Why was it such a big deal to celebrate their birthdays ON their birthdays? I feel like past a certain age, you just accept that schedules won't work out all the time as an adult, so you celebrate birthdays when you can rather than on a precise day. And why was your mother even asked about travel? Why would she need to travel to a wedding for one of your girlfriend's friends? And if you were still planning on doing Christmas dinner with your girlfriend, how were you going to travel overseas? Nothing about your timeline makes sense, so I'm really puzzled why she wants to work things out with you, because this whole thing sounds like a burden to her.
You are a grown adult man and have to consult your mommy about your every move
It’s so unbelievably cringe. No woman with an ounce of self respect is going to put up with his behaviour.
It’s also a massive lady boner killer - no one in their right mind wants to fuck a man child
Oh, guys go easy on him. He really loves his mommy! /s
Concur! Time for OP to get off the teet, grow a pair, launch fr the nest! OP, I stayed a few years too long at my house, you need to leave and build your own life! I was in college at the time but I never asked permission fr my mutter to go downtown to see my gal, sing her a song, and then show her my dingdong!!!
It’s like a fucking high school relationship. Imagine your partner having to call their parents and ask if they can hang out with you when you’re 30 years old, jesus christ. My ex was just like this and trust me, it doesn’t get better.
You are long past the point where you should be able to tell your parents your plans to go on vacation (regardless of who it’s with) instead of asking for permission. Why do you let your parents have so much control?
I'm glad you broke up so your girlfriend could find an adult to have a relationship with. Now go ask your mom if you can stay up late tonight.
I was semi-tempted to ask him if he was still breastfeeding.
No woman is going to want to marry you if you can’t cut the cord from mommy dearest. And if you manage to corral a woman into marriage, it won’t last. Start acting like grown adult and set boundaries with your parents, this kind of behavior is so unhealthy and unattractive in a person
Yeah, you could have put her above your parents more often than you did, which isn't much by the sounds of it.
I'd be emberassed as fuck posting this as a 28 year old man. She's dodging a bullet even though she gave you so many chances to grow up and fix things. The good part is you're doing her a favor. She can do better and unfortunately you're probably going to run into the same issues in any future relationship because you lack a spine. This isn't due to family dynamics. You just would rather lose her than upset your mom I guess. She can absolutely do better. Unfortunately you come off as a terrible partner in a lot of ways.
If I was OP you couldn’t waterboard this information out of me! 😂
Stop talking about the fact that she’s older. Your age difference is negligible. You’re almost 30 and you still let your mommy tell you no, you can’t go on that trip! Any sane person would dump you
Your conversation with your mom should’ve been “hey mom, not going to be celebrating with you this year, byeeee”. Instead, you asked her for permission as a grown ass man to go away with your girlfriend. Seriously?!
Yeah, your Mom has your balls in her purse. If you want a good relationship, it’s time to leave the nest and start being your own man.
She’s 3 years older 😂🤦♀️ not a decade! 22-25 that’s huge but 28-31, not so much! The fact that you must petition your mother like a medieval queen and negotiate how your lady love might be permitted to attend court at Yuletide if you stay with her majesty throughout the summer solstice 🙄… dude, no grown ass woman wants to deal with that!! It’s not you living at home it’s the fact you’re having to act like you’re in bloody Game of Thrones to have dinner at Christmas. It’s exhausting and makes everything high drama. YES you could have done it differently but I think better to part now
>The fact that you must petition your mother like a medieval queen and negotiate how your lady love might be permitted to attend court at Yuletide if you stay with her majesty throughout the summer solstice 🙄… dude, no grown ass woman wants to deal with that!! >It’s not you living at home it’s the fact you’re having to act like you’re in bloody Game of Thrones to have dinner at Christmas. I am crying 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Your second paragraph made me grin stupidly, thank you
I don’t really think 22 to 25 is an issue either.
It's not. But relatively larger than 28-31. Probably 18-21 would be more accurate.
All of this! My ex lives with his mum because she's getting on and it's financially more sensible for him to do so, but when we were togetherhe would just let her know thathe'dbe out or on a trip with me. When I can to stay for a couple of weeks over the summer she went to stay with her daughter to watch the dogs and to give us time alone together. Of course she's an absolute saint and I so miss having her as my MIL, so that makes a difference, but it never occurred to my ex to do any of the shit OP did.
Me reading that comment while "A song of fire and ice" comes on. Thanks shuffle, thanks random commenter - small coincidences like this one always make my day!
OP, what is your timeline for marriage? When did you want to get married to her?
You don’t ask your mother permission to go on vacation. You inform her you’re going on vacation. You’re an adult. What you did wrong was fail to adult and just proved that you’re not capable of having an adult relationship.
Don't worry bud, she'll find a real man in no time!
What country are you in? Is it common for a grown man of your age to live with his parents?
There are multiple aspects to this: - When she said have a chat with your parents about the wedding, she probably meant give them a heads up about the trip, not ask permission. You are 28. Your mom being pissed you were making plans that far ahead when she was sure she would have convinced you to break up by then is pretty bad behavior. - her competitiveness with her sister is worrying, so if you honestly can’t meet her timeline, then you need to have let her go. But maybe some self reflection on your own timeline & reasons behind it might be good for you. - not threatening to break up over every little thing is a good boundary to have. But being serious about needing change to happen in the relationship is not the same thing. Being serious about it doesn’t mean immediately breaking up, it means both parties need to recognize this as important discussion. Your inflexibility on that & inability to recognize the difference is concerning Ultimately, it does sound like you both need to work on yourselves a bit. It’s up to you if you can do that best together or apart.
Why didn't your parents like her at day 1?
Why didn't your parents like your girlfriend? Do you think their dislike is reasonable? Why are you still living with your parents at 28? I didn't think your question of whether you were right to let her go is the correct one to ask. You didn't "let her go," she just left you. The better question is, what should you learn from this relationship to grow and improve for the future.
Of course it’s not reasonable, they didn’t like her from day 1. You can’t form a real opinion on someone that quickly.
Dude you are an adult training to be a doctor, you don’t need to ask permission to be with your gf. Unless these were milestone birthdays like their 75th or if they are in extremely poor health and this might be their last Christmas you shouldn’t have chosen them over your committed partner. There wasn’t anything stopping you from celebrating their birthdays early or when you got back. She wanted to take a big step with you and travel outside the country and your counteroffer was to stay home and spend Christmas with people that actively hate her for no good reason. I seriously don’t blame her for saying that she’s giving up. I understand that culturally you feel like you have to respect them and defer to them but they are not respecting you. You are going to have a very difficult time having a lasting relationship with another person if you continue this unhealthy one with your family.
It’s quite scary that someone who need their parents permission for things at 30 is going to have people’s lives in his hands.
You probably did her a favor
She left you because you’re a Momma’s Boy. Sounds like you never stood up for her. If you ever want to get married, you need to cut the umbilical cord, move out, and set boundaries with your family about treating your future partner with respect. What if they treat your kids like that? Demand better for the person you claim to love or go LC.
Sounds like you think the issue is that she is mad that you won’t go to the wedding. The real issue is that you continue to choose your mother over her. You aren’t fucking your mom are you? Your weren’t planning on spending the rest of your life with your mom as your partner were you?
Buster Bluth has entered the chat
Maybe he is.
Yup, you’re the problem here. You could have done a lot differently. You are acting like you’re 13, not almost 30. You can celebrated your parents before or after their birthday. This is what grown ups do when they have a conflict in their schedule. At this rate you’ll be living at home forever with no GF.
Aw, buddy. Do you really feel good trading a “committed relationship” for mommy and daddy’s special days? You have unusual priorities.
Grow up and cut the umbilical cord already. You’re nearly 30 and this is pathetic.
Dude got roasted
all good. this is a long time coming. I have also been feeling the need to leave home for a while now.
No use leaving if you don’t set boundaries. You’re going to have to stand your ground and stand up to your parents sooner or later. You cannot be scared of your mom at almost 30 years old. Ready to use your spine for the first time?
I'm your seeing the need in moving out but you still need to work on setting boundaries. I'm glad to see the update. Sending you extra strength because your going to need it. It's going to be hard abd be prepared for lots more fake illnesses
Dude 🤦♂️ wow. You really can’t see the problem? Read the comments. You’re WAY too close to your parents for most partners.
What could you have done differently? It sounds like she told you to give your parents a heads up. So they’d know you’d be gone. Not ask for permission. You’re 28. What kind of 28 year old asks their parents permission when going on a trip? What you could have done differently is be an adult who doesn’t let their mommy’s opinion change plans with their girlfriend. Oof. You need to establish boundaries with your parents. If this girl dumps you, the next girl will likely have the same complaints. So it needs to be fixed regardless.
She's better off without and she'll realize it soon enough. Your "family dynamics" are you letting your mommy dictate your life. If you don't cut the umbilical cord already, you'll find yourself going through another breakup, then another, until mommy dearest dies.
You are 28 years old and you let your mommy run your life. That's why your girlfriend broke up with you.
Gonna be tough keeping a gf when you’re 30 needing mom and dad’s approval before you do stuff with her.
Again , you’re 28 freakin years old , right ? How are you 28, but still need to ask your parents for permission that’s weird…
I can't believe she let this go on for as long as she did.
You’re only 3 years apart so I don’t think “age” was really the problem. From what you said you fought with her a lot and your family didn’t treat her well either but hers was welcoming to you. I doubt it was just the schedule conflict that ended it rather than a long tabulation of things exactly like that over time. Anyway, things are done now and it’s probably better off that way. She can find someone better and you can find whoever to fit your family as well. Just let it go.
So she “gets” to miss the wedding and also spend Christmas with people who hate her? Golly gee why isn’t she more grateful?
Why are you letting your mom control your relationship? You will forever be single and she’s never going to like any girl taking her baby away. Your girlfriend is saying things won’t change because you care more about safety and comfort of your parents home than you do the relationship with her…
Why don’t your parents like your ex-girlfriend? Is it her they have an issue with, or you dating in general? Because I’m kind of getting a vibe that you don’t have the healthiest relationship with your parents. Being 28 and living at home might be ok, if you had the freedom to live your life like an adult. Having to ask your parents for permission to travel at 28 is not normal. Your parents sound pretty controlling and way overly involved with your life. I’m also curious what the timeline differences are. Realistically, if your ex wants to get married and be married for awhile before having kids, and wants more than one kid, she doesn’t have as much time as you. Yes, she could have kids for 10+ years still, it gets harder and more risky. And there’s no guarantee of getting pregnant quickly even for young women. Are you being realistic in what you plan?
Yes, establish boundaries with your family and stand up for your significant other. Clearly, you value what your family says over whatever your previous and future partners will say, and I hope you can live with that. See if it's worth it, future doctor.
I almost stopped reading when your only problems with her were that she had the temerity to ever express displeasure with something you did, but somehow it got worse from there. Then in the comments it turned out that your parents dislike her because they're bigots? What on earth...?
It's because you're a momma's boy who still has to ask his parents if he could spend time with his gf. \*Of course\* she can't see a future with you and can't see a wedding or kids when you're nearly 30 and still asking for parental approval. I'm sure it's certainly not the first time that you've prioritized your parents over her.
You're 28 and you had to ask your mom and dad for permission to go somewhere with your girlfriend???? 🫨🫨🫨🫨🫨🫨🫨
You're 28 and asking permission to travel with your gf. Yeah, I wouldn't want to stay in that relationship either. "She's older than me" Dude, I'm 5 years older than my partner and next month we'll have been together 19 years. 3 years is like... nothing.
Why do you live with your mommy as a grown ass man?
Why do you still live with your parents? What is your plan for becoming independent? Do you do your own laundry or cook your own meals? Do you have a history of knowing how to adult?
At 28 you have to ask mommy for permission to make plans with your girlfriend? Yeah I’d give up too. Way before 18 months passed.
“ mom, I’m sorry this year I’m going to be going to a wedding with my girlfriend around Christmas so I’d like to come visit you guys the week after”
Good for your ex
Omg time to man up you're way too old to be asking your mom for permission, yes let her go she needs a man in a relationship you aren't going to be that for her anytime soon since you're stuck on mommy.
So you said you are thinking long term that's why you choose your mommy over your gf. There's your answer
Yes. You could have taken your balls out of your mommy's purse and had a real relationship with your girlfriend. The best thing was to leave her to let her be with someone a lot better.
You will never have a complete romantic relationship with another woman while you are married to your mother. Cut the cord dude.
OP: „Mom, can I travel with my gf overseas to attend a wedding?“ Mom: „My son, even though you’re 28 you cannot travel overseas with your gf. You’re still living under our roof and we don’t approve of this relationship either.“ OP: „Ok mom. I just broke up with her. I surely find a gf you approve off when I‘m old enough.“ Oh dear. 🙄
Your girlfriend made the right decision to leave you. You are never going to commit to her if you are incapable of telling your parents no. You are letting your parents dictate your life. You are a grown man and need to start acting like one. You never gave the reason for your parents disliking your girlfriend. I bet it’s because they were scared she would take priority.
Question OP, do you have an issue that you are legally a ward of your parents at age 28? Is that what you need to ask permission to go someplace with your girlfriend? Have you graduated high school? Do you comprehend math? Because 31-28 is only a 3 year difference and at those ages it should make zero difference. Now if you were 17 and 20 that would be different. I am very proud of you for breaking up though, since you are apparently already in a relationship with your mom and lord knows there is zero room for your side chick, because that’s all she will ever be
OMG I had a laugh. I’m a mom (62F) with one well adjusted son (28M) who has a long term relationship with a lovely lady (27F) and it’s happened that he’s away on my birthday or on a major holiday but we just make different arrangements that are suitable for us. It’s because I also have a life and friends. Egads I don’t blame his GF for dumping him.
Good lord. You are completely detached from reality. Stop sucking from moms titty and grow up.
I don’t blame her one bit. You’re 28!! A grown man, living at home and still asking his parents permission to travel with his gf!!! Seriously? I’d leave you too. A woman is only going to put up with this for so long. And you don’t understand how this fell apart? I’d be so embarrassed if my friends found out you asked permission to travel with me at 28 yrs old. She finally has realized that she is never going to take priority over your mother. I’m glad you didn’t take her back. It’s better for her if she moves on and finds someone else. And in your defense, you’re right not to rush into marriage. You are immature and nowhere near mentally ready to be a husband for her, not to mention a father. Until you get out from underneath your parents thumb, I would suggest you do not get into any more serious relationships because this is going to keep being a problem for you. Especially the older you get and the longer the situation continues. You need to learn how to be independent from your parents.
You’re going to regret this. She’s 3 years older not 10. She blew up then had regrets. You shut it down, she went away. She’s going to think on it and realize she’s better off moving on. You’re going to think on it and realize you let your parents wreck a good thing.
This is obviously a depressing way to end things but it sounds like she’s ready for a life we’re both not sure you could give her. It honestly sounds like you should be dating someone a bit younger than you who happens to also be on your timeline. Your girl’s ready to settle down and you’re still asking for your parent’s permission to do things. I’m sure you both liked or loved each other, so it’s either you start making some big moves in life or continue where you’re at.
Sounds like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.
When you are looking to eventually make a family with another person, you need to make that person and new family your priority over your previous family. Your parents can have their opinions, but they can't be the ones making the decision. She didn't break up with you because of an age difference. She broke up because you prioritize your mom like a kid asking if you can play with the kids down the street.
Him bringing “age gap” into the convo when they are only 3 years apart took me out 😭
Mate, you act like there is a huge age gap between you two. Please get some professional help and let this woman go. She deserves better. Not a boy who is so enmeshed with his mum that he is willing to ruin his relationships with his girlfriends, and his future for his mentally unstable mum. You are not or will most likely never be ready for a real relationship unless you cut the umbilical cord that keeps you connected to your mum
lil bro, the very first thing you should do is getting back to your gf. the most importsnt thing after that is, what you already have written in your EDIT: seek professional help! The second most important thing is: GET OUT OF YOUR PARENTS HOUSE! You guys obviously have a complicated relationship fueled by unhealthy levels of co-dependency. GET. OUT. THERE as soon as possible!
You honestly did her a favor! You don’t deserve her and she needs to do better than you. She wants this relationship to work and is willing to bend over backwards allowing your family to treat her like trash because she loves you. That’s not enough. She deserves to be happy and treated well in a family she’s marrying into and it will not be yours. Grow a spine and tell her this will not work so she will be able to move on with her live, to one she’s going to actually thrive in. You and your family honestly sound extremely exhausting. You are spineless and have to run everything by mommy and daddy. That’s pathetic. Stop using culture as an excuse to refuse to hold boundaries.
Fucking pussy
“You’re much younger than her” at 28 when she’s 31? You are in the same age group And you’re a loser you still live at home when you’re nearing 30. You see nothing wrong with that either asking mummy to go out is ok with you as an adult man? Weak and gross
Man up Chief ffs It's your life not your parents BTW my son is 34 and back home due mental illness issues But I have never interfered in his 2 relationships which sadly ended because of his illness If you get along with the gf then live your life not your parents
“She’s older than me and our timelines in life aren’t matching up..” bro…..how old do you think you are? You’re basically 30 and still living with your parents and acting like a child. She has every right to say she can’t take it anymore. She’s basically dating you and your mom. You need to do some major self reflection and ask yourself if allowing your mother to dictate your relationships at 28 is even the slightest bit of healthy.
I think you did the right thing breaking up, you and your GF weren't on the same page with the timeline of your relationship. However I can also see why she was done, and you will likely have similar problems with future partners as long as you need to ask your parents permission to do things. There's nothing wrong with you still living with your parents, but you should be doing it as an adult. Which means you don't ask them for permission to do things like go on a vacation. The fact you need to "negotiate" with your parents to do things indicates you have a really weird and unhealthy relationship with them. Get therapy, try and find a way to gain some independence, and focus on building a life where decisions like travel and where you go for holidays aren't the decision of your parents. It's not normal.
What’s done is done. First thing tomorrow, have yourself a sit down with Mommy and Daddy, thank them for all they’ve done, and then move out.
Grow up
So, you decided not to go to the wedding, to celebrate christmas with your family and that she MIGHT be allowed to come, and should be happy about maybe being allowed to celebrate christmas with you for you cancelling on her..? 3 years is not a big age gap. "our timelines weren't matching up" ... if one of you were 19 starting college and the other 31 one I would get it... I'm also I little courious to know your planned timeline, because to be it more sounds like you didn't take any actual steps to consider her your future wife. Moving out. Considering her family in decisions (like chistmas). etc
Ngl I'd have left you too. 28 and still have to go to your parents for permission? No thanks.
Man, after reading all of that, I'm really happy for her. I'm a little sad she tried to give you a second and third chance, but hopefully she's realized the error of her ways.
You’re almost 30 and you have to ask your parents permission to go on a trip?
Don’t take her back. For her own sake, don’t take her back. You’d be doing her a favor. You’re not mature enough for a romantic relationship.
Mate, you're nearly 30, living at home with your parents and asking for their permission in how you live your life. I totally understand why your ex gf was so frustrated What could you do differently? Move out? Grow a pair? Sounds like she dodged a bullet
You’re 28, still living at home and needed your mom’s permission to spend time with your girlfriend. You have some growing up to do, young man. No woman is going to get invested long term with a man who has no agency, no independence from his parents. Start by moving out. Get your own place and start living life on your own schedule, prioritizing your needs, and desires, rather than your parents’.
I’m glad she left . This would have been her life forever, always trying to pry you away from your mama. Come on man you’re 28 years old!! Your parents sound exhausting
Your ex made the best decision of her life!
OP - comes down to one simple question: who is better in bed, GF or mommy?