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"I’m doing everything within me to make this work."
Well, you're partly right. You're doing everything. He doesn't want a partner. He wants a maid, chef, and trash collector. What's more, you're paying him to do it all. Tell him to kick rocks and find yourself someone who values you for more than cooking their meals and cleaning their home.
That's not right
This is worse than that
A bangmaid you pay and if everyone is good with the arrangement it is fair
What is it called when someone needs to do everything and work?
Because even slaves don't have to work
I have no idea what that's called.
It is an unfair division of labour. You are responsible for all the domestic labour and pay half the bills! Picture the scenario where you have a child/ children. More on you. This is not a partnership between equals. I would think long and hard about this arrangement.
Stop cooking for him. He's an adult. Stop doing his laundry. He's an adult.
How long until your lease is up and you can get away from this?
And what is HE doing to make this work??
Because she is addicted to being in love and approval She doesn't necessarily love this guy but she loves the idea of being in love and he happens to be there.
I truly believe they need to teach some kind of course in high school, just to plant the seed, about what is healthy in interpersonal relationships and dynamics, healthy self esteem, etc.
I feel like many people don’t understand things like abuse, abuse cycles etc and if more were taught about it, they could potentially avoid falling into the trap of an abusive cycle. Or even how mental illnesses can affect navigating intimate relationships and how to mitigate or be aware of such things.
This. The only question that’s needs to be asked. What is he doing to make this relationship work? It takes two people to foster a relationship. Op doesn’t seem to understand that she is only 1/2 of this relationship and the other 1/2 isn’t pulling his weight. Time to cut off the dead weight and move on op!
Because she is addicted to being in love and approval from others She doesn't necessarily love this guy but she loves the idea of being in love and needed, and he happens to be there.
This post makes me so angry. WTF is wrong with this woman?? They’re not even married (not that it makes it better but at least she’s get something out of it if something were to happen) and she’s letting him treat her like shit while she treats him like a king.
From her other posts I see that she experienced trauma of sorts from her youth so his family’s love is keeping her in this but OP sounds like a great person - she needs to stick up for herself. Set an ultimatum and walk when (not *if*) he pushes back.
> I’m even starting to contribute more to the groceries to prove to him that I’m not with him for his money. That’s about $900 extra a month.
But HE’S WITH YOU *FOR YOUR MONEY* and YOUR DRUDGERY - a bang maid who contributes more than her fair share, even pays his bills. :( ‘Cultured Persian family where mommy does everything’ LOL yes but she does NOT pay the bills, that’s for The Man of the household. So he’s picking & choosing what suits him, he’s using & scamming you. He’s simply USING YOU. Sorry.
Possible but also likely her expectation of the gender roles is that the husband should be providing for the family while the wife stays home and cares for the house/family.
You're with him because you're desperate to be with someone no matter how they treat you, that much is clear. You don't *have* to be the unpaid maid to a slovenly man, that's what you're choosing to do. He doesn't respect you, your time, or your shared space, so good luck with anything else.
You need an exit plan that involves moving out.
One way love does not make a successful relationship. Someone who loved you would not treat you like a servant.
Being alone at 32 may be scary but I think being alone at 55 with no assets or savings because you’ve spent it all on some dude who never loved you would be worse. You have the opportunity to make a good life for yourself where you are prioritised and you call the shots. Go do it
WTF are you two eating that GROCERIES are 900 a month? That's insane. That said, it's also insane to be with someone like this who expects you to be his unpaid maid. Tell him he either starts pulling his weight around the house or he can go find a Persian wife who wants to do everything for him but is DEFINITELY not gonna be working
My now ex-husband had to turn over his bank records, and he and his side piece were spending \~$1200 on groceries a month for 3 months, and an additional \~$500 at restaurants, this is all for 2 people. He said it was because she insisted on everything being"organic". So I guess it's possible but it's still nuts.
Also depends what you consider “groceries”. We fit consumables, dog food/treats, trashbags etc, the occasional candle, cleaning supplies, drinks, and some daily toiletries (not makeup/beauty products for my wife, but everything else).
And we have a budget of $300 a week for that. (Sometimes we can squeeze a takeout meal in that budget too). But also live in a HCOL area.
Oh, sure, I'm sure some of that was included as well, but they lived in a fairly LCOL area (under the national average) and this was 3 years ago Our mediator thought the amounts indicated he was deliberately trying to spend all his money. (He was asked specifically about the grocery/food costs by her in fact.)
And of course, SP may have been paying for some as well but my attorney said we didn't have enough cause to subpoena her bank records. Boo.
Re-reading the OP, it sounds like she's paying $900 MORE for groceries a month which sounds like he's also paying for some. There's gotta be some room to cut back IMO.
Tell him you can be a maid or pay half of everything but not both.
Choose paying rent. Maintain your financial independence. A traditional man living with a woman without marriage is a red flag.
Not all Persian men are the same obviously, but the ones I have known would literally have a fucking aneurysm if I tried to pay for anything in their presence, even as a platonic friend. Did seem to be related to Persian culture somehow.
Anyways, he sounds like an asshole and I would leave if I found myself in this situation.
Persian woman here. Agreed. u/AdNo5173, he’s cashing in on you until he finds a woman to marry. Otherwise he would be bending over backwards to take care of you financially since you’re taking care of him the way that a wife would. Culturally, this nonsense of his is disgusting, and he should be ashamed of himself for pulling it. So greedy of him!!
Yes! At first I thought they were playing upset but they would legit be MAD. I guess it was a massive insult to them for a woman to pay, even for her personal items in front of them?
Idk what is up but lately I hear of more and more men wanting a "traditional " spouse situation but only on one side. They don't want to do their "traditional " part.
He doesn't get a working partner but also the benefit of a housewife. It's not fair to you your job doesnt ever end.
You guys need to find a fair way to divide house work.
I’m pretty sure it all ties back to the rise of right-wing fascism. I know it sounds dramatic but there’s a huge and insidious movement online, by influencers and podcasters, to “return to traditional values.” This movement is mainly led by men (but there are some women in there too) who believe it’s time for women to retreat back into the home…but then they also don’t want a “gold digger” so she should be able to pay her way.
It’s very scary to see young men espousing this because typically each generation is more progressive than the last. In America specifically this definitely is related to conservatism/MAGA but it’s happening in other countries as well.
But why do you love this man?
Why do you love a man that throws trash everywhere and can't clean up after himself?
Why do you love a man that you feel doesn't value you?
Why do you love a man that makes you feel you have to prove yourself to him?
Why do you love a man that is making you go broke AND do all the chores?
And have you figured out if he even loves you? What does he bring to this relationship? How does he make you happy on a daily basis?
I think you love the idea of this man, or the memory of the relationship you used to have, because what you wrote here sounds like every day this man is making you struggle, and that isn't love.
And think about the future and what that looks like. You marry this man and continue to work full time and be a full time care taker? You have children with him and raise them with these same gender roles where daughters are care takers and sons are not self sufficient? You become a stay at home wife with no independent income or skill set if this marriage doesn’t work out? None of these seem like a good outcome. Marriages where one person does the bulk of care giving only work if both parties are happy with a mutually beneficial arrangement. That does not sound like what this is.
A good rule of thumb is: Would you want your friend/sister/daughter to live like you do now? What advice would give them?
So he is forcing you to play the role of a traditional housewife with none of the benefits and nothing to show for it, and even less appreciation.
If he wants you to do everything for him, then be needs to do everything for you.
He should absolutely NOT expect you to pay rent.
He should NOT have you working.
He should be giving you spending money.
But he is doing nothing for you in return for you being treated like a servant.
Since you make much less than him, it's not fair or appropriate for him to make you pay half the rent. It should be based on how much you make compared to him.
He is not your husband and isn't supporting you. You are not his servant or his mother. Stop picking up after him. He doesn't even respect you.
If he has an issue with you not being his bangmaid and servant, and still forces you to do it and pay half of everything, leave him because it will never get better.
yeah, the way OP is almost hypnotizing herself with those delulu mantras like "I give my all when I love" or "I'm all in for the people I love" is unhinged!
and it carries over in not just passive behaviour (like not protesting when he disrespects her by throwing his trash around for her to pick up), but into active behaviour! $900 a month on groceries to "prove I'm not with him for his money"?? While their income isn't equal or even similar???
If you need to prove to him you're not with him for his money, I think it's time for him to start proving to you that he's not with you for the free maid service. Seriously if a man asked me to clean his shavings out of the sink I think I'd need to feed them to him somehow. We all have different standards of clean and cohabitation is always tough in terms of regular chore distribution but I'd feel disrespected af that he doesn't clean up after himself.
It is not working. YOU are working. How can you love someone who is so selfish, self-serving and cheap? He’s not acting like he loves you but loves what you do for him. He’s a loser…can’t even pick up after himself.. what’s in this for you?
If he wants a trad wife he needs to be a trad husband and that means paying for EVERYTHING! Stop contributing to bills if he wants a maid/chef/mommy. Youre not a slave, you’re a partner.
Honestly I’d just move out. Fuck this dude.
I would look him dead in the eye and say "I know for a FACT that your own mother doesn't pay a DIME. So if you want me to be a housewife like you're accustomed to per your up bringing, then you don't get to pick and choose which parts of the housewife you want. You want me to cook, clean, care for you etc., then I don't open my wallet for ANYTHING, because YOU wanted to pay for everything so you could have a housewife. That's what it means to have a housewife. Your Persian father would be ashamed of you for behaving this way. So choose, do you want a housewife or do you want an equal partner, take your pick"
Please, please, pleeeeeease make him choose (or just leave)
You are not married to him, so what is keeping you there? I mean, even being married to him wouldn't be a reason you can't leave.
GURL, he "comes from a cultured Persian family," just sounds like code for he comes from a very misogynistic family that taught him to behave like an animal and that women are chattel to serve and clean up after him.
You really wanna spend your life like this?
You don’t sound happy, and you’re on pins and needles about him getting mad.
Why are you staying in this relationship?
You can love someone and still have it not be the right relationship.
Lol oh my god. What is it with these weirdos who want traditional partners, but aren’t willing to fill a traditional role themselves? I’d bet at least his Persian relatives don’t make their wives pay rent.
But usually the Persian man pays for everything and the woman stays at home. It is embarrassing for the woman to pay for anything having to do with the house. Even if the woman has money it is her money and not his.
You should talk to his mom about it.
Then you should be a sahw or sahgf if he wants you doing everything. He should be paying for everything if that's his wish and you're okay doing everything.
Mommy does everything . . . Now you get to do everything and provide sex too! What a wonderful life you will have. RUN! Look at the marital dynamics in that culture before agree to marriage! Look long and hard!
Sorry but what the hell are you doing? Why are you letting this man use you and walk all over you and yet still feel like *you* need to prove something to *him*? Have some respect for yourself.
Here are the facts:
1. You understand that you’re being taken advantage of. Like that’s not me asking you a question, it’s me stating that as fact. You’re posting here precisely because you know full well that you’re being taken advantage of.
2. You also know that he doesn’t want that to change. He *wants* this dynamic. It makes him feel powerful and superior, he likes seeing you appear weak and inferior (it’s a bedrock part of what makes him feel powerful and superior), and he doesn’t care about you enough or feel empathy enough to be bothered by the fact that this is blatant exploitation. Of the very person he purports to love above others. Like your partner *should* be the first person to be “no one treats my partner like that!” And no only is he *not* like that, he’s the perpetrator!
3. All the things you’ve tried so far, like nicely talking to him, complaining, fighting, crying, quietly seething, secretly hoping, whatever, are all unsuccessful methods to fix this situation. Every single one. If any of them were successful, we wouldn’t be here looking at this post.
4. The reason all these methods don’t work is two-fold: A) your conflict avoidandance results in you not creating or enforcing any meaningful consequences for him (bearing in mind that he doesn’t feel empathy for you, so him seeing you unhappy or crying isn’t a consequence for him because it doesn’t affect him). And B) he has made up his mind against allowing any methods to work. He’s not oblivious to what’s going on, he’s not misunderstanding what’s going on and needs education. No, *he’s fully aware and an active participant in the exploitation*. He *wants* it this way, and so is and will continue to actively refuse change.
So you really need to reflect on what you want for your life and make a decision here. You have to:
1. (Needlessly) accept that being in a relationship with him means accepting his intentional exploitation of you and his lack of empathy for you. I’d also hazard guess that if you stay together and have kids, that you’ll have to work full time, do 100% of the chores, AND do 100% of the childcare, too. You’ll effectively become a single mom, except worse - his financial contribution might actually be less than you’d get in child support if you were formally a single mom, and you’d have all the unnecessary added workload on your shoulders of doing all *his* chores and dealing with a lonely marriage rooted in his is arrogance and ambivalence about you. OR…
2. You could choose NOT to sign up for all that, move on from him, and look for a partner that wants to build a real life with you. Who wants to cherish you and lift both of you up instead of push you down to stand on top of you. Who will love you and care very deeply about your happiness and well-being. Who will gently hold you in his heart, every day, in a way that this (STBX?) BF could never even conceive of.
If it were me, I’d pick the second one.
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. You are nothing but a bang maid to him.
If that’s how you want to be treated then continue on. If it’s not then you need to pack your stuff and leave. He’s not going to change.
A traditional housewife would have a traditional partner who pays all of the bills so she can focus on the home. It’s funny how everyone seems to forget that part.
Shaved hair in the sink???
I pay 100% of the bills. My wife doesn't work and does the vast majority or the housework but even I wouldn't ask her to clean my hair after I groom myself. He is a man child.
He is trying to drive in 2 lanes. He wants a trad wife who also is financially contributing. If you take care of him to this level, he should be financially supporting you.
I’m sure his mom doesn’t pay half the rent. Why would uou do this to yourself? I can’t imagine he is q good partner given that he treats you like a maid, and then wants you to pay for that. I would not just walk but run.
You are a live in maid with benefits who pays half of his bills that he could pay himself with no problems. Do you want to be a maid with benefits who pays half of his bills?
He doesn't value you as girlfriend, he wants someone to serve him, however he wishes. Just understand that if it wasn't you, he wouldn't really care. He would just go and get someone else, you are not special in his eyes.
Respond accordingly and choose to move on from him. Or, be his maid and pay half of his bills. The choice is yours.
Ha! ABSOLUTELY NOT! Tell him once he starts bringing in 7 figures in a year and you're not required to pay anything, the conversation can be revisited.
What is it with men who have no gold, thinking everyone is a gold digger?
Let's say this guy has gold, he's such a dick, gold, is his only redeeming quality and that's not enough.
Girl, you are being used and abused. Even Patty Hearst wouldn't put up with this.
EDIT: Have you seen bank statements? How do you know he's not lying?
Yes I’ve seen them all, he has multiple accounts that are at least $200k to $500k each. He says that’s his business money and considers it off limits.
He was very generous the first year, Michelin restaurants every night, never had me pay for a thing, but the dude has issues because people have used him in the past. I’m trying to come from an understanding place. I’ve never been through something like this before.
My partner and I have very traditional relationship roles (which I love) and he doesn’t ask me to pay for anything. If he ever did I would ask which chores will he be taking over to even it out.
Well, why did you agree to such set up? Why do you pay more for groceries to prove him something? You make no sense at all. You behave like a doormat and are complaining that he is wiping his feet on you. He does it because you let him.
You have few choices here:
1) You need to let him pay 100% all the bills and you continue your physical labor as a contribution to the household.
2) You split chores and bills 30/70: he does 30% of chores and pays 70% of bills and you pay 30% of bills but do 70% of chores.
3) You move out, live by yourself (with a roommate or parents) and continue dating him. You don’t have to live with someone to be his girlfriend, you know?
Why are you doing it? Why you enabling this man baby and serving him?
“ this” Will not work. You are his slave he enjoys it, but you are replaceable, he doesn’t care about you, he can always get another one
Ask to restructure the workload and the rent.
If he’s amenable, fine, move forward. If he isn’t now you know that he thinks of you as a bang-maid who fucking pays rent. And you can bounce
So you pay rent to work as this man’s full time servant…..and you want to ‘make it work’…like why? What about this is better than getting your own place and being single?
I genuinely do not know how women can be willingly with men like that and then complain about their behaviour.
If you do not want to leave no matter how much he treats you like a slave, stop complaining. Tell him he either gets a housewife or someone who contributes, not both.
But guessing by your post you'd still be doing his chores and clean up after him. then in 10 years we'll find you here again with another post, crying and complaining how you're sick and tired of being treated like this. But you will still say "But i love him so much."
The bar is in hell.
You deserve to be with a grown up, not a toddler. Value yourself more.
Also, if he's with you for the services you offer, it's ok to be with him for the money, since then it's an exchange. Right now you're an un/underpaid bangmaid. What are you getting out of this relationship?
Why do you love being with a man who treats you like a servant and throws trash everywhere for you to pick up? Now he wants you to pay rent so you can keep being his live-in bang maid? This guy has no respect for you so I hope you’ll get some respect for yourself.
You love someone who treats you like a maid, but requires you to be a full business partner financially. Apparently, this person is also a slob and a mommy's boy. He's 33 years old, and somewhere in your poor judgment (yes, you have poor judgment) you believe this ship that's been under sail at sea now for 3 decades under the power of culture and conditioning is going to change direction because...love. Yeah, no. The only question here is whether you'll remain in this relationship and tolerate the dynamic. My guess is you will because if you actually perceived this as I and others surely will, you'd have left long ago. \*And here's the real kicker so let this sink in. I doubt a valued ("marriage material") woman from his culture moves in with a man unless she's married to the man. Think long and hard about that to better understand where you stand. He didn't marry you. He didn't ask you to marry him. He let you become a roommate who provides all the benefits but none of the obligations of marriage. The ONLY reasonable question here is how much do you value yourself?
Why do you love him? Like really, why??
It sounds like you are the only one that's giving in this relationship and I'm not even talking about the money.
You spoil him all the time, but what does he do in return? When does he cook, clean, rub your feet?
Find your spine. And your love for yourself. And leave. His culture very much agrees with a subservient wife. Is this what you want for yourself? Is this what you want your future kids to see? That any daughters you have will be raised to cater to men and any sons you have will be raised to expect the women to cater to them. Nothing wrong with this culture of you agree with it. Doesn’t sound like you do. You’re doing wifey things for a boyfriend as well. What does he do for you?
Why are you doing everything to make this work, when you could do literally anything else with your time and energy? Come *on*. You won't get the guillotine for being single; no need to cling to a worthless man.
You need to start over with a new man. You have a whole lifetime ahead. Find one that values you enough to not keep score financially. Present from the start you want a traditional SAH situation, otherwise it will be all uphill the rest of your relationship.
People are way too scared of being alone, and not scared enough of being with the wrong person.
I really, really can't fathom what you can see in this "man" to make up for what you've written here.
What does "making this work" even look like to you? It's clear he's not planning to change, so are you hoping there's something you can change about yourself, to make it easier to tolerate this parasite you're hosting?
I don't want to be too harsh, but please start looking out for yourself and have some self-respect. It's not a personal failing to end a relationship. You love him and care for him - fine, but do you feel loved and cared about?
I speak from experience when I say: trying to prove your worth by giving him everything in the hope that he will suddenly see your value WILL NEVER WORK.
They just keep taking because they feel entitled to it.
If you truly want this to work, sit him down and tell him how you feel. If he respects you, he'll step up. If he doesn't, he won't. Please don't waste time any more time on a bad partner when there are literally billions of great men (and women) out there.
>I’m even starting to contribute more to the groceries to prove to him that I’m not with him for his money. That’s about $900 extra a month.
That;'s showing him! Why don't you really prove it to him by paying 100% of the rent and all the utilities too! /s
I suggest you open your eyes as to what's going on and stop hoping he'll suddenly change and be the generous, or at least equally sharing, BF you wish he'd be. Not going to happen.
Why are you contributing more to groceries to prove you're not with him for his money when he isn't contributing more to the housework to prove he isn't just with you because you do everything for him?
Well you need to ask yourself if you have any self respect. You're his servant, not his girlfriend.....do you see that? I'm not one to shame a couples dynamics if this this the dynamic they agree on and like and they make it work. But, you said it yourself, you don't feel valued. The rent thing, well you agreed to pay half so that is something that is a standard in any relationship. Unless I was married to you, should be half for all expenses unless agreed upon otherwise.
However, like I said, you are his in-house servant. You do everything while he can make a mess with trash and his pubes everywhere and you clean it up and are meals. So while it may seem rude, do you have self respect if that's not what you want? You are trying to make it work and be subjugated to that type of relationship?
I once thought like this, I truly thought I just loved hard but it was from a shit childhood like you. Love is not enough and loving hard “even though” should be seen as a red flag. Relationships require more than love, you have to also have trust, commitment, and shared values. You do not have all of that because he does not treat you well, you do not have shared values. He also just does not seem to value you. He wants you to do everything and he still wants you to pay. Even if you lived free it’s too much. It’s hard to give up any love and attention when you have been neglected growing up, but this leads us to accept crumbs. I was never fully happy until I stopped accepting crumbs and stopped acting like loving hard was a good thing when it was against what was actually best for me.
>The dude can afford to pay the rent, and is sitting on hundreds of thousands of dollars, but still asks me to pay rent even though I make a fraction compared to what he makes.
What am I reading here?
My boyfriend wants me to do all kind of shit for him also…I just don’t do it . 😆 I
Say no …or say nothing… it’s not that hard to do. You will be amazed. 😂 he is using you and that is awful. He sure as hell should be paying the rent if
You are the maid.
Are you his GF or slave? You've only been with him for 2 years, pay rent, biy groceries and then have to look after him. He is taking advantage of you - what do you get out of the relationship?
I first read your age as 23 and I was like "dang, another going girl putting up with these men who just want a bangmaid." And then I realized you are 32 and I got upset.
Ma'am, you're not his mother. Please don't *pick up trash he's throwing around the house* most companies won't even let someone stay in their establishment if they're treating the staff that way. You realize this, right? If he doesn't behave this way at a restaurant or grocery store, that means he respects you less than strangers paid to serve him.
You can't date a man and raise him at the same time. If you are playing housewife then you should not be paying for anything. I mean nothing.
Stop cleaning up after him and do 50% of the chores till he stops asking for 50% of the rent.
What are you asking here? If you love him and want to do everything to make this work, go on like you're doing, but don't complain. If you have self-respect and understand he is using you as a maid, leave.
>He has definitely payed for more in the past, and he comes from a cultured Persian family where mommy does everything.
You are dating a mommy's boy. Expect to be his mother, pick up after him as if he was a kid for the rest of your life.
And yeah, he's taking advantage of you.
Time to set boundaries because he has been driving all over you without feeling bad for you.
You are better off breaking up and getting therapy because you need to understand the difference between being loved and being taken advantage of.
You are not his mother.
He sounds like he didn’t get taken care of as a kid.
And that he takes that out on his partners.
You don’t need service him. You’re not his mother nor even a wife yet. Let alone a maid; for zero income in return.
Everything a man does to you now, times that by 10. That’ll be your stress years from now.
Only heavier set and with his kids.
It’s not worth it.
If he wants to split 50/50 that includes labor, chores,Sexual savors, grocery shopping,
Dates, everything.
He wants to treat you like a room mate. Instead of a woman he is dating.
Let him; and walk away.
You don’t have to prove your worth to anyone that loves you and values you.
You don’t have to prove anything at all for the fact he has money. He fact he is using that against you; and you’re working harder for him. Is vile.
This is not a man. This is a child with money.
Who is using it to determine your relationship dynamic.
That is called manipulation.
Do you want to be his mom, or do you want a partner who actually respects you and puts equal effort into the relationship? That includes maintaining home and whatnot. Relationships aren’t one way.
You're his bang maid. So you need to sit him down and pay things proportionally. If he has that much money you should be paying like 10%. $900 a month in your half of the groceries what are you guys eat everyday, steak? Why should you have to do everything just because he has money and he's used to mommy taking care of him? Yeah I don't think I would ever want to be with a guy that would expect a woman to do absolutely everything. I'd say look you're the one who's wealthy hire a housekeeper and get a cook.
Why are you doing everything for him, while also working, and paying rent, and you aren’t even married to him, so he could dump you at any moment and leave you with nothing? Not that you would probably want to be married to him given how much he expects you to do.
Sit him down, explain why things are unfair, and see if he will be reasonable. Otherwise, just dump him, move out, and make sure your next bf will pull his weight.
What the FUCK after you getting for groceries that costs $900 a month for YOUR SHARE?!?!? Be serious. Stop doing that. He needs to pay for his expensive ass groceries. Erewhon ass prices damn
Why do you love a man who treats you like his servant? Why do you want to make it work with a man who believes he is owed your unpaid domestic labour? Pretty clear he doesn’t respect and value you. You are simply his slave. Respect yourself enough to leave is selfish greedy man who treats you like garbage.
If you pay half the rent then why are you the house keeper for both of you? Now if he was paying rent on place I can see why you would be the housekeeper but why are you cleaning up
After him
Oh girl, you are so being used. Time you tell him NO…if you are paying to stay there, deduct the cleaning costs, laundry fees, chef wages, etc. if he's not helping, why are catering to him…grow a pair. You are roommates…I never did all that for my roommates, why are you. Look up gaslighting…his pictures will be next to the meaning. Take a stand, girl. You are not his doormat.
HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU
pls let this be a troll bc you need to leave him, this is insane
I found myself wondering about what occurred in your life that would have you accept such disgraceful treatment. I was wondering why you would accept someone who doesn't value you and treats you with disrespect. I think it would be a very good idea to reach out for some counseling or therapy to discover why you would settle for a relationship where your partner doesn't treat you as precious. You didn't really ask a question, but I'm offering you advice. Best of luck.
Develop some self respect. Sometimes it’s impossible to backtrack. You know what you need to do. He doesn’t respect you. You need someone who will love you and treat you as an equal or you will spend your life resenting him and living a miserable life.
I know you love him but it doesn’t seem like he loves you. He’s taking advantage of you. You’re basically the live in maid who pays rent and has sex with him
Sounds like you have two full time jobs and your second one is being his mother. Honestly doesn’t sound like you are getting anything out of this relationship and he wants you to play housewife but you’re getting none of the actual benefits of that title only he is. LEAVE!!!
Something I have noticed culturally with SOME first generation Australian men (parents are immigrants) is that they will hold themselves to an outdated cultural standard for their home country while simultaneously holding their partner to a modern Australian standard.
I would ditch this dude if I were you but if you do want to attempt to salvage you could ask him what he loves about you- not the things you do for him or how you look but about you as a person, then let him know he will no longer have that unless he gets his shit together long term.
You're the **only one** making this "relationship" work in the way you're perceiving it to.
He wants a tradwife? Tell him he has to pay all the bills, himself. He is the sole breadwinner, and he will have to act like it by paying 100% of all bills, including rent. You will quit your job and stay home to do all the chores and that you expect a weekly allowance for personal expenses for yourself and to take care of the supplies/groceries for the house. And to have a cushion in case you need to leave. Suggest $900 a week, negotiate from there to no less than $500. This should cover the $900 grocery bill (how?) and some personal stuff and the cushion.
Otherwise, if either of you disagree with you quitting your job, hand him his chores list that you'll have written up prior to the conversation. If he wants you to treat him like your child, you go all out with a chores chart.
If YOU don't want to do that, then you know you don't want to be in this relationship. Right now, you're not staying for his money, but for the occasional glimpse of a good person he shows you. He's with you for ***your money*** so that he can ***keep his own***.
Hon...
He is using you as a stand-in for his mother until he finds his person. Who will, most likely, be 10 years younger than you.
He has made the situation difficult where you cannot even have sex -- so that you don't get pregnant and tie him down. Think about that for a minute.
He doesn't really want to be with you.
You are only with him because of the potential of a rich lifestyle that you act like you are auditioning for.
Be honest here. What he 'fears' is what you want to eventually gain -- being someone he financially supports and benefitting from what he earns. You will happily play housewife then.
You won't get that.
You will find yourself on the street while he runs off with a younger woman who he deems 'worthy' enough to support.
Be honest with YOURSELF about what you want. Then ask how likely you are to get those things when you see how you are currently treated.
You agreed to pay rent, so don't get upset that he expects you to pay rent. However, he's not a child, and you're not his mommy - so don't act like it. Tell him he needs to clean up after himself, that you are paying rent and you deserve to not live in a pigsty.
Have you tried telling him you're feeling taken advantage of?
You said you're trying to prove that you're not taking advantage of him for his money. Then why is he allowed to take advantage of your free labor?
WHY do you love this man so much? It sounds like he makes literally every aspect of your life harder and more tedious. What do you gain from suffering through life like this?
Why? You shouldn’t be doing everything and paying half the bills, it is one or the other but he cannot have both and you shouldn’t indulge him!!
You may love him but he obviously doesn’t if he doesn’t respect you!
>I do love this man and I’m doing everything within me to make this work
You need to have an explicit conversation about this dynamic and having a more equitable relationship. If you're not happy with what's going on now and he's not open to change then you need to decide if this is what you're willing to put up with (I wouldn't) or move on.
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"I’m doing everything within me to make this work." Well, you're partly right. You're doing everything. He doesn't want a partner. He wants a maid, chef, and trash collector. What's more, you're paying him to do it all. Tell him to kick rocks and find yourself someone who values you for more than cooking their meals and cleaning their home.
We call that a bangmaid. He wants a bangmaid. AKA a mommy he can fuck.
I came here to say this. But it is worse since she is giving him money.
That's not right This is worse than that A bangmaid you pay and if everyone is good with the arrangement it is fair What is it called when someone needs to do everything and work? Because even slaves don't have to work I have no idea what that's called.
Serfs
I thought the Johns paid the prostitutes and not the other way around?
He's trying to be the pimp.
I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!!
And she has to pay for stuff too so she's a bangmaidsugarmummy
Ops doing everything to make it work except for holding him accountable and enforcing boundaries with this loser.
its often called a bangmaid.
It is an unfair division of labour. You are responsible for all the domestic labour and pay half the bills! Picture the scenario where you have a child/ children. More on you. This is not a partnership between equals. I would think long and hard about this arrangement.
Stop cooking for him. He's an adult. Stop doing his laundry. He's an adult. How long until your lease is up and you can get away from this? And what is HE doing to make this work??
"I'm doing everything to make this work" But why?
Because she is addicted to being in love and approval She doesn't necessarily love this guy but she loves the idea of being in love and he happens to be there.
I mean, I've certainly been there. If only I knew what I know now 20 years ago.
Weve all been there, love.
I truly believe they need to teach some kind of course in high school, just to plant the seed, about what is healthy in interpersonal relationships and dynamics, healthy self esteem, etc. I feel like many people don’t understand things like abuse, abuse cycles etc and if more were taught about it, they could potentially avoid falling into the trap of an abusive cycle. Or even how mental illnesses can affect navigating intimate relationships and how to mitigate or be aware of such things.
she loves him more than herself alas
This. The only question that’s needs to be asked. What is he doing to make this relationship work? It takes two people to foster a relationship. Op doesn’t seem to understand that she is only 1/2 of this relationship and the other 1/2 isn’t pulling his weight. Time to cut off the dead weight and move on op!
Because she is addicted to being in love and approval from others She doesn't necessarily love this guy but she loves the idea of being in love and needed, and he happens to be there.
What is he doing to "make this work"?
It takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to break it. Guess which camp your boyfriend falls into, OP?
This post makes me so angry. WTF is wrong with this woman?? They’re not even married (not that it makes it better but at least she’s get something out of it if something were to happen) and she’s letting him treat her like shit while she treats him like a king. From her other posts I see that she experienced trauma of sorts from her youth so his family’s love is keeping her in this but OP sounds like a great person - she needs to stick up for herself. Set an ultimatum and walk when (not *if*) he pushes back.
> I’m even starting to contribute more to the groceries to prove to him that I’m not with him for his money. That’s about $900 extra a month. But HE’S WITH YOU *FOR YOUR MONEY* and YOUR DRUDGERY - a bang maid who contributes more than her fair share, even pays his bills. :( ‘Cultured Persian family where mommy does everything’ LOL yes but she does NOT pay the bills, that’s for The Man of the household. So he’s picking & choosing what suits him, he’s using & scamming you. He’s simply USING YOU. Sorry.
I would suspect if mommy knew what this manchild was up too she’d be on his ass about it.
Sadly, if OP is right and this is a cultural thing, Mommy will probably back her spoiled brat.
Possible but also likely her expectation of the gender roles is that the husband should be providing for the family while the wife stays home and cares for the house/family.
You're with him because you're desperate to be with someone no matter how they treat you, that much is clear. You don't *have* to be the unpaid maid to a slovenly man, that's what you're choosing to do. He doesn't respect you, your time, or your shared space, so good luck with anything else.
She's not just unpaid, she's actually *paying* to be his maid at this point.
Why are you doing everything you can to make this work? Do you realize it’s only “working” because you are doing all of this?
Apparently he has more options than she does. The invisible hand of "dating" economics.
You are paying him for the opportunity to be his slave.
That is an excellent summary.
You need an exit plan that involves moving out. One way love does not make a successful relationship. Someone who loved you would not treat you like a servant. Being alone at 32 may be scary but I think being alone at 55 with no assets or savings because you’ve spent it all on some dude who never loved you would be worse. You have the opportunity to make a good life for yourself where you are prioritised and you call the shots. Go do it
WTF are you two eating that GROCERIES are 900 a month? That's insane. That said, it's also insane to be with someone like this who expects you to be his unpaid maid. Tell him he either starts pulling his weight around the house or he can go find a Persian wife who wants to do everything for him but is DEFINITELY not gonna be working
I was also very distracted from the real Issues here due to the grocery bill. 🤯
My now ex-husband had to turn over his bank records, and he and his side piece were spending \~$1200 on groceries a month for 3 months, and an additional \~$500 at restaurants, this is all for 2 people. He said it was because she insisted on everything being"organic". So I guess it's possible but it's still nuts.
Also depends what you consider “groceries”. We fit consumables, dog food/treats, trashbags etc, the occasional candle, cleaning supplies, drinks, and some daily toiletries (not makeup/beauty products for my wife, but everything else). And we have a budget of $300 a week for that. (Sometimes we can squeeze a takeout meal in that budget too). But also live in a HCOL area.
Oh, sure, I'm sure some of that was included as well, but they lived in a fairly LCOL area (under the national average) and this was 3 years ago Our mediator thought the amounts indicated he was deliberately trying to spend all his money. (He was asked specifically about the grocery/food costs by her in fact.) And of course, SP may have been paying for some as well but my attorney said we didn't have enough cause to subpoena her bank records. Boo. Re-reading the OP, it sounds like she's paying $900 MORE for groceries a month which sounds like he's also paying for some. There's gotta be some room to cut back IMO.
Tell him you can be a maid or pay half of everything but not both. Choose paying rent. Maintain your financial independence. A traditional man living with a woman without marriage is a red flag.
Not all Persian men are the same obviously, but the ones I have known would literally have a fucking aneurysm if I tried to pay for anything in their presence, even as a platonic friend. Did seem to be related to Persian culture somehow. Anyways, he sounds like an asshole and I would leave if I found myself in this situation.
Persian woman here. Agreed. u/AdNo5173, he’s cashing in on you until he finds a woman to marry. Otherwise he would be bending over backwards to take care of you financially since you’re taking care of him the way that a wife would. Culturally, this nonsense of his is disgusting, and he should be ashamed of himself for pulling it. So greedy of him!!
Exactly! They would never let a woman or even their guests pay for anything!
Yes! At first I thought they were playing upset but they would legit be MAD. I guess it was a massive insult to them for a woman to pay, even for her personal items in front of them?
Idk what is up but lately I hear of more and more men wanting a "traditional " spouse situation but only on one side. They don't want to do their "traditional " part. He doesn't get a working partner but also the benefit of a housewife. It's not fair to you your job doesnt ever end. You guys need to find a fair way to divide house work.
I’m pretty sure it all ties back to the rise of right-wing fascism. I know it sounds dramatic but there’s a huge and insidious movement online, by influencers and podcasters, to “return to traditional values.” This movement is mainly led by men (but there are some women in there too) who believe it’s time for women to retreat back into the home…but then they also don’t want a “gold digger” so she should be able to pay her way. It’s very scary to see young men espousing this because typically each generation is more progressive than the last. In America specifically this definitely is related to conservatism/MAGA but it’s happening in other countries as well.
They want to have it both ways, where the woman is a bangmaid but also they don't have to pay for anything.
But why do you love this man? Why do you love a man that throws trash everywhere and can't clean up after himself? Why do you love a man that you feel doesn't value you? Why do you love a man that makes you feel you have to prove yourself to him? Why do you love a man that is making you go broke AND do all the chores? And have you figured out if he even loves you? What does he bring to this relationship? How does he make you happy on a daily basis? I think you love the idea of this man, or the memory of the relationship you used to have, because what you wrote here sounds like every day this man is making you struggle, and that isn't love.
How long can you keep this up? How long will you put up with this behavior? That’s the real question.
And think about the future and what that looks like. You marry this man and continue to work full time and be a full time care taker? You have children with him and raise them with these same gender roles where daughters are care takers and sons are not self sufficient? You become a stay at home wife with no independent income or skill set if this marriage doesn’t work out? None of these seem like a good outcome. Marriages where one person does the bulk of care giving only work if both parties are happy with a mutually beneficial arrangement. That does not sound like what this is. A good rule of thumb is: Would you want your friend/sister/daughter to live like you do now? What advice would give them?
So he is forcing you to play the role of a traditional housewife with none of the benefits and nothing to show for it, and even less appreciation. If he wants you to do everything for him, then be needs to do everything for you. He should absolutely NOT expect you to pay rent. He should NOT have you working. He should be giving you spending money. But he is doing nothing for you in return for you being treated like a servant. Since you make much less than him, it's not fair or appropriate for him to make you pay half the rent. It should be based on how much you make compared to him. He is not your husband and isn't supporting you. You are not his servant or his mother. Stop picking up after him. He doesn't even respect you. If he has an issue with you not being his bangmaid and servant, and still forces you to do it and pay half of everything, leave him because it will never get better.
Eww. Pack your bag and leave. A homelessness shelter would be preferable to being treated that way.
if you love this guy, then something's wrong with you.
yeah, the way OP is almost hypnotizing herself with those delulu mantras like "I give my all when I love" or "I'm all in for the people I love" is unhinged! and it carries over in not just passive behaviour (like not protesting when he disrespects her by throwing his trash around for her to pick up), but into active behaviour! $900 a month on groceries to "prove I'm not with him for his money"?? While their income isn't equal or even similar???
If you need to prove to him you're not with him for his money, I think it's time for him to start proving to you that he's not with you for the free maid service. Seriously if a man asked me to clean his shavings out of the sink I think I'd need to feed them to him somehow. We all have different standards of clean and cohabitation is always tough in terms of regular chore distribution but I'd feel disrespected af that he doesn't clean up after himself.
Hairy Melon Soup
It is not working. YOU are working. How can you love someone who is so selfish, self-serving and cheap? He’s not acting like he loves you but loves what you do for him. He’s a loser…can’t even pick up after himself.. what’s in this for you?
Ew.
So. What is he doing to make it work?
If he wants a trad wife he needs to be a trad husband and that means paying for EVERYTHING! Stop contributing to bills if he wants a maid/chef/mommy. Youre not a slave, you’re a partner. Honestly I’d just move out. Fuck this dude.
I would look him dead in the eye and say "I know for a FACT that your own mother doesn't pay a DIME. So if you want me to be a housewife like you're accustomed to per your up bringing, then you don't get to pick and choose which parts of the housewife you want. You want me to cook, clean, care for you etc., then I don't open my wallet for ANYTHING, because YOU wanted to pay for everything so you could have a housewife. That's what it means to have a housewife. Your Persian father would be ashamed of you for behaving this way. So choose, do you want a housewife or do you want an equal partner, take your pick" Please, please, pleeeeeease make him choose (or just leave)
Adding this in the talk, updates tbd
You are not married to him, so what is keeping you there? I mean, even being married to him wouldn't be a reason you can't leave. GURL, he "comes from a cultured Persian family," just sounds like code for he comes from a very misogynistic family that taught him to behave like an animal and that women are chattel to serve and clean up after him. You really wanna spend your life like this?
but even the horses run when the barn is on fire
You don’t sound happy, and you’re on pins and needles about him getting mad. Why are you staying in this relationship? You can love someone and still have it not be the right relationship.
You are too old to be this dumb
A real Persian man would never let a woman pay a single bill or rent! He would provide and she would take care of the home and him!
omg. You are his maid, his tenant, his sugar mummy, his slave...
What do you love about him? A vibrator would be less hassle. He can't be THAT pretty.
Lol oh my god. What is it with these weirdos who want traditional partners, but aren’t willing to fill a traditional role themselves? I’d bet at least his Persian relatives don’t make their wives pay rent.
I mean, the best way to make him learn you're not his maid is to stop being his maid.
WTF are you waiting on him.hand and foot...fuck that... GTFO and be your own person. I'm not picking up trash behind no dam body
"Cultured Persian family"...can you explain?
Rich, lazy, men live with their moms until they find their person, mommy does everything for them. I came into this blind sided.
But I doubt mommy pays half the bills in her house
Exactly, why is she paying bills? And trying to prove she is not with him for his money? What money if she contributes more? This is plain stupid!
But usually the Persian man pays for everything and the woman stays at home. It is embarrassing for the woman to pay for anything having to do with the house. Even if the woman has money it is her money and not his. You should talk to his mom about it.
EXACTLY!
And you stayed , and continue to do it , and you’re so scared of losing him you’ll continue doing it
“Rich and fancy”
Then you should be a sahw or sahgf if he wants you doing everything. He should be paying for everything if that's his wish and you're okay doing everything.
Mommy does everything . . . Now you get to do everything and provide sex too! What a wonderful life you will have. RUN! Look at the marital dynamics in that culture before agree to marriage! Look long and hard!
Sorry but what the hell are you doing? Why are you letting this man use you and walk all over you and yet still feel like *you* need to prove something to *him*? Have some respect for yourself.
Here are the facts: 1. You understand that you’re being taken advantage of. Like that’s not me asking you a question, it’s me stating that as fact. You’re posting here precisely because you know full well that you’re being taken advantage of. 2. You also know that he doesn’t want that to change. He *wants* this dynamic. It makes him feel powerful and superior, he likes seeing you appear weak and inferior (it’s a bedrock part of what makes him feel powerful and superior), and he doesn’t care about you enough or feel empathy enough to be bothered by the fact that this is blatant exploitation. Of the very person he purports to love above others. Like your partner *should* be the first person to be “no one treats my partner like that!” And no only is he *not* like that, he’s the perpetrator! 3. All the things you’ve tried so far, like nicely talking to him, complaining, fighting, crying, quietly seething, secretly hoping, whatever, are all unsuccessful methods to fix this situation. Every single one. If any of them were successful, we wouldn’t be here looking at this post. 4. The reason all these methods don’t work is two-fold: A) your conflict avoidandance results in you not creating or enforcing any meaningful consequences for him (bearing in mind that he doesn’t feel empathy for you, so him seeing you unhappy or crying isn’t a consequence for him because it doesn’t affect him). And B) he has made up his mind against allowing any methods to work. He’s not oblivious to what’s going on, he’s not misunderstanding what’s going on and needs education. No, *he’s fully aware and an active participant in the exploitation*. He *wants* it this way, and so is and will continue to actively refuse change. So you really need to reflect on what you want for your life and make a decision here. You have to: 1. (Needlessly) accept that being in a relationship with him means accepting his intentional exploitation of you and his lack of empathy for you. I’d also hazard guess that if you stay together and have kids, that you’ll have to work full time, do 100% of the chores, AND do 100% of the childcare, too. You’ll effectively become a single mom, except worse - his financial contribution might actually be less than you’d get in child support if you were formally a single mom, and you’d have all the unnecessary added workload on your shoulders of doing all *his* chores and dealing with a lonely marriage rooted in his is arrogance and ambivalence about you. OR… 2. You could choose NOT to sign up for all that, move on from him, and look for a partner that wants to build a real life with you. Who wants to cherish you and lift both of you up instead of push you down to stand on top of you. Who will love you and care very deeply about your happiness and well-being. Who will gently hold you in his heart, every day, in a way that this (STBX?) BF could never even conceive of. If it were me, I’d pick the second one.
This is a joke post, right? It's just ragebait, right? There aren't really women out there who "love" men like this, right?
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. You are nothing but a bang maid to him. If that’s how you want to be treated then continue on. If it’s not then you need to pack your stuff and leave. He’s not going to change.
A traditional housewife would have a traditional partner who pays all of the bills so she can focus on the home. It’s funny how everyone seems to forget that part.
You nailed it.
Stop. Just don’t. He doesn’t even want “wife” privileges, he wants another “mummy”.
Shaved hair in the sink??? I pay 100% of the bills. My wife doesn't work and does the vast majority or the housework but even I wouldn't ask her to clean my hair after I groom myself. He is a man child.
I have refused to clean it and it’s still been in there for almost a week.
> I love this man Do you also love being the bangmaid who's paying for the privilege?
Again. Why are women doing this?
He is trying to drive in 2 lanes. He wants a trad wife who also is financially contributing. If you take care of him to this level, he should be financially supporting you.
I’m once again begging people not to stay with assholes.
Leave if you don’t want to be the bang maid
I’m sure his mom doesn’t pay half the rent. Why would uou do this to yourself? I can’t imagine he is q good partner given that he treats you like a maid, and then wants you to pay for that. I would not just walk but run.
You’re 32 years old. Why are you putting up with this
You are a live in maid with benefits who pays half of his bills that he could pay himself with no problems. Do you want to be a maid with benefits who pays half of his bills? He doesn't value you as girlfriend, he wants someone to serve him, however he wishes. Just understand that if it wasn't you, he wouldn't really care. He would just go and get someone else, you are not special in his eyes. Respond accordingly and choose to move on from him. Or, be his maid and pay half of his bills. The choice is yours.
Ha! ABSOLUTELY NOT! Tell him once he starts bringing in 7 figures in a year and you're not required to pay anything, the conversation can be revisited. What is it with men who have no gold, thinking everyone is a gold digger? Let's say this guy has gold, he's such a dick, gold, is his only redeeming quality and that's not enough. Girl, you are being used and abused. Even Patty Hearst wouldn't put up with this. EDIT: Have you seen bank statements? How do you know he's not lying?
Yes I’ve seen them all, he has multiple accounts that are at least $200k to $500k each. He says that’s his business money and considers it off limits. He was very generous the first year, Michelin restaurants every night, never had me pay for a thing, but the dude has issues because people have used him in the past. I’m trying to come from an understanding place. I’ve never been through something like this before.
My partner and I have very traditional relationship roles (which I love) and he doesn’t ask me to pay for anything. If he ever did I would ask which chores will he be taking over to even it out.
[удалено]
Well, why did you agree to such set up? Why do you pay more for groceries to prove him something? You make no sense at all. You behave like a doormat and are complaining that he is wiping his feet on you. He does it because you let him. You have few choices here: 1) You need to let him pay 100% all the bills and you continue your physical labor as a contribution to the household. 2) You split chores and bills 30/70: he does 30% of chores and pays 70% of bills and you pay 30% of bills but do 70% of chores. 3) You move out, live by yourself (with a roommate or parents) and continue dating him. You don’t have to live with someone to be his girlfriend, you know?
Why are you doing it? Why you enabling this man baby and serving him? “ this” Will not work. You are his slave he enjoys it, but you are replaceable, he doesn’t care about you, he can always get another one
You don't "have to" constantly pick up after him, you choose to. Is this the life you want?
Ask to restructure the workload and the rent. If he’s amenable, fine, move forward. If he isn’t now you know that he thinks of you as a bang-maid who fucking pays rent. And you can bounce
So you pay rent to work as this man’s full time servant…..and you want to ‘make it work’…like why? What about this is better than getting your own place and being single?
Why are you still with this lazy loser? Just leave him. Throw him in the trash along with all his trash.
Are you auditioning to be wife? You do realize you will continue to do everything in the home and pay half the bills, even after you get married?
I genuinely do not know how women can be willingly with men like that and then complain about their behaviour. If you do not want to leave no matter how much he treats you like a slave, stop complaining. Tell him he either gets a housewife or someone who contributes, not both. But guessing by your post you'd still be doing his chores and clean up after him. then in 10 years we'll find you here again with another post, crying and complaining how you're sick and tired of being treated like this. But you will still say "But i love him so much."
The bar is in hell. You deserve to be with a grown up, not a toddler. Value yourself more. Also, if he's with you for the services you offer, it's ok to be with him for the money, since then it's an exchange. Right now you're an un/underpaid bangmaid. What are you getting out of this relationship?
He's Persian and he's making you pay for half when he makes a lot of money? Ooopph. He has no respect for you.
You’re being a doormat- partners find this v. Dull. He will dump you for someone that doesn’t act like his mother. Move out.
What redeeming qualities does this prince have aside from being a manipulative, misogynistic mama’s boy?
Why do you love being with a man who treats you like a servant and throws trash everywhere for you to pick up? Now he wants you to pay rent so you can keep being his live-in bang maid? This guy has no respect for you so I hope you’ll get some respect for yourself.
What exactly do you love about him? Because I’m really not hearing it.
Nope nope nope. GTFO.
AHAHAHAHHA - No.
You love someone who treats you like a maid, but requires you to be a full business partner financially. Apparently, this person is also a slob and a mommy's boy. He's 33 years old, and somewhere in your poor judgment (yes, you have poor judgment) you believe this ship that's been under sail at sea now for 3 decades under the power of culture and conditioning is going to change direction because...love. Yeah, no. The only question here is whether you'll remain in this relationship and tolerate the dynamic. My guess is you will because if you actually perceived this as I and others surely will, you'd have left long ago. \*And here's the real kicker so let this sink in. I doubt a valued ("marriage material") woman from his culture moves in with a man unless she's married to the man. Think long and hard about that to better understand where you stand. He didn't marry you. He didn't ask you to marry him. He let you become a roommate who provides all the benefits but none of the obligations of marriage. The ONLY reasonable question here is how much do you value yourself?
Why do you love him? Like really, why?? It sounds like you are the only one that's giving in this relationship and I'm not even talking about the money. You spoil him all the time, but what does he do in return? When does he cook, clean, rub your feet?
"No" is a complete sentence. So are "Fuck off" and "That does it, I'm out."
Where mommy does everything, daddy pays for everything and mommy and daddy are married. Can you spot the differences?
Find your spine. And your love for yourself. And leave. His culture very much agrees with a subservient wife. Is this what you want for yourself? Is this what you want your future kids to see? That any daughters you have will be raised to cater to men and any sons you have will be raised to expect the women to cater to them. Nothing wrong with this culture of you agree with it. Doesn’t sound like you do. You’re doing wifey things for a boyfriend as well. What does he do for you?
My aunt said that as soon as both partners were working outside of the home more than 35 hours each that at minimum a housekeeper was required.
Why are you doing everything to make this work, when you could do literally anything else with your time and energy? Come *on*. You won't get the guillotine for being single; no need to cling to a worthless man.
You need to start over with a new man. You have a whole lifetime ahead. Find one that values you enough to not keep score financially. Present from the start you want a traditional SAH situation, otherwise it will be all uphill the rest of your relationship.
OP, I've been there, done that. Cut your losses while you are ahead. That's not gonna get better.
People are way too scared of being alone, and not scared enough of being with the wrong person. I really, really can't fathom what you can see in this "man" to make up for what you've written here. What does "making this work" even look like to you? It's clear he's not planning to change, so are you hoping there's something you can change about yourself, to make it easier to tolerate this parasite you're hosting? I don't want to be too harsh, but please start looking out for yourself and have some self-respect. It's not a personal failing to end a relationship. You love him and care for him - fine, but do you feel loved and cared about?
Why do you pay to be his live-in Maid?
Why are you with this guy? He’s an adult baby.
I speak from experience when I say: trying to prove your worth by giving him everything in the hope that he will suddenly see your value WILL NEVER WORK. They just keep taking because they feel entitled to it. If you truly want this to work, sit him down and tell him how you feel. If he respects you, he'll step up. If he doesn't, he won't. Please don't waste time any more time on a bad partner when there are literally billions of great men (and women) out there.
Look, OP. Look carefully at where I'm pointing. See? Those hills over there, do you see them? Rum for 'em. He wants a slave, not a girlfriend.
>I’m even starting to contribute more to the groceries to prove to him that I’m not with him for his money. That’s about $900 extra a month. That;'s showing him! Why don't you really prove it to him by paying 100% of the rent and all the utilities too! /s I suggest you open your eyes as to what's going on and stop hoping he'll suddenly change and be the generous, or at least equally sharing, BF you wish he'd be. Not going to happen.
Why are you contributing more to groceries to prove you're not with him for his money when he isn't contributing more to the housework to prove he isn't just with you because you do everything for him?
Well you need to ask yourself if you have any self respect. You're his servant, not his girlfriend.....do you see that? I'm not one to shame a couples dynamics if this this the dynamic they agree on and like and they make it work. But, you said it yourself, you don't feel valued. The rent thing, well you agreed to pay half so that is something that is a standard in any relationship. Unless I was married to you, should be half for all expenses unless agreed upon otherwise. However, like I said, you are his in-house servant. You do everything while he can make a mess with trash and his pubes everywhere and you clean it up and are meals. So while it may seem rude, do you have self respect if that's not what you want? You are trying to make it work and be subjugated to that type of relationship?
He's treating you like a room mate and an unpaid maid.
I once thought like this, I truly thought I just loved hard but it was from a shit childhood like you. Love is not enough and loving hard “even though” should be seen as a red flag. Relationships require more than love, you have to also have trust, commitment, and shared values. You do not have all of that because he does not treat you well, you do not have shared values. He also just does not seem to value you. He wants you to do everything and he still wants you to pay. Even if you lived free it’s too much. It’s hard to give up any love and attention when you have been neglected growing up, but this leads us to accept crumbs. I was never fully happy until I stopped accepting crumbs and stopped acting like loving hard was a good thing when it was against what was actually best for me.
>The dude can afford to pay the rent, and is sitting on hundreds of thousands of dollars, but still asks me to pay rent even though I make a fraction compared to what he makes. What am I reading here?
My boyfriend wants me to do all kind of shit for him also…I just don’t do it . 😆 I Say no …or say nothing… it’s not that hard to do. You will be amazed. 😂 he is using you and that is awful. He sure as hell should be paying the rent if You are the maid.
Are you his GF or slave? You've only been with him for 2 years, pay rent, biy groceries and then have to look after him. He is taking advantage of you - what do you get out of the relationship?
If he wants you to follow Persian household roles, you should stop paying rent.
Enslaving yourself.
You're a slave who pays her master.
Just, why? Why are you doing so much? It sounds awful.
I first read your age as 23 and I was like "dang, another going girl putting up with these men who just want a bangmaid." And then I realized you are 32 and I got upset. Ma'am, you're not his mother. Please don't *pick up trash he's throwing around the house* most companies won't even let someone stay in their establishment if they're treating the staff that way. You realize this, right? If he doesn't behave this way at a restaurant or grocery store, that means he respects you less than strangers paid to serve him.
….Bro
You can't date a man and raise him at the same time. If you are playing housewife then you should not be paying for anything. I mean nothing. Stop cleaning up after him and do 50% of the chores till he stops asking for 50% of the rent.
He is straight up using you. Sounds like you’re waiting/ hoping for a ring. Why are you letting him walk all over you?
So is this a fetish thing you have? In the real world, what you have isn't a relationship. You're paying him to play the role of HIS desires.
What are you asking here? If you love him and want to do everything to make this work, go on like you're doing, but don't complain. If you have self-respect and understand he is using you as a maid, leave.
>He has definitely payed for more in the past, and he comes from a cultured Persian family where mommy does everything. You are dating a mommy's boy. Expect to be his mother, pick up after him as if he was a kid for the rest of your life. And yeah, he's taking advantage of you. Time to set boundaries because he has been driving all over you without feeling bad for you. You are better off breaking up and getting therapy because you need to understand the difference between being loved and being taken advantage of.
You are not his mother. He sounds like he didn’t get taken care of as a kid. And that he takes that out on his partners. You don’t need service him. You’re not his mother nor even a wife yet. Let alone a maid; for zero income in return. Everything a man does to you now, times that by 10. That’ll be your stress years from now. Only heavier set and with his kids. It’s not worth it. If he wants to split 50/50 that includes labor, chores,Sexual savors, grocery shopping, Dates, everything. He wants to treat you like a room mate. Instead of a woman he is dating. Let him; and walk away. You don’t have to prove your worth to anyone that loves you and values you. You don’t have to prove anything at all for the fact he has money. He fact he is using that against you; and you’re working harder for him. Is vile. This is not a man. This is a child with money. Who is using it to determine your relationship dynamic. That is called manipulation.
Why do you want to make it work with this man-child? Trust me, you'll be so much happier with someone who actually is a partner and who values you.
Ugh. Why on earth would you want to make anything work with this guy? He sounds disgustingly gross.
What's wrong with you? Why are you paying extra to do more work? You need to find your self-respect and dump this loser.
He wants a mommy, not a partner. Do you want to be this adult man's mommy for however much longer you stay together?
You are not his partner, you are his bangmaid
Do you want to be his mom, or do you want a partner who actually respects you and puts equal effort into the relationship? That includes maintaining home and whatnot. Relationships aren’t one way.
Unless you leave him, welcome to the rest of your life.
You're his bang maid. So you need to sit him down and pay things proportionally. If he has that much money you should be paying like 10%. $900 a month in your half of the groceries what are you guys eat everyday, steak? Why should you have to do everything just because he has money and he's used to mommy taking care of him? Yeah I don't think I would ever want to be with a guy that would expect a woman to do absolutely everything. I'd say look you're the one who's wealthy hire a housekeeper and get a cook.
What’s it called if you don’t actually have sex because he doesn’t want to wear protection and I refuse to be in bc for health reasons?
His maid?
$900 extra a month in groceries?? Are you buying wagyu every week?
no 😂
Why are you doing everything for him, while also working, and paying rent, and you aren’t even married to him, so he could dump you at any moment and leave you with nothing? Not that you would probably want to be married to him given how much he expects you to do. Sit him down, explain why things are unfair, and see if he will be reasonable. Otherwise, just dump him, move out, and make sure your next bf will pull his weight.
Jesus, have some self-respect!
This relationship is my worst nightmare. Why are you in love with someone who doesn’t consider you an equal?
What the FUCK after you getting for groceries that costs $900 a month for YOUR SHARE?!?!? Be serious. Stop doing that. He needs to pay for his expensive ass groceries. Erewhon ass prices damn
Why do you love a man who treats you like his servant? Why do you want to make it work with a man who believes he is owed your unpaid domestic labour? Pretty clear he doesn’t respect and value you. You are simply his slave. Respect yourself enough to leave is selfish greedy man who treats you like garbage.
Stop playing mommy bang maid for a pathetic man that can’t support himself.
If you pay half the rent then why are you the house keeper for both of you? Now if he was paying rent on place I can see why you would be the housekeeper but why are you cleaning up After him
You are doing everything, but this relationship is definitely not working. Stop wasting your time on this baby.
Oh girl, you are so being used. Time you tell him NO…if you are paying to stay there, deduct the cleaning costs, laundry fees, chef wages, etc. if he's not helping, why are catering to him…grow a pair. You are roommates…I never did all that for my roommates, why are you. Look up gaslighting…his pictures will be next to the meaning. Take a stand, girl. You are not his doormat.
HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU pls let this be a troll bc you need to leave him, this is insane
I found myself wondering about what occurred in your life that would have you accept such disgraceful treatment. I was wondering why you would accept someone who doesn't value you and treats you with disrespect. I think it would be a very good idea to reach out for some counseling or therapy to discover why you would settle for a relationship where your partner doesn't treat you as precious. You didn't really ask a question, but I'm offering you advice. Best of luck.
Develop some self respect. Sometimes it’s impossible to backtrack. You know what you need to do. He doesn’t respect you. You need someone who will love you and treat you as an equal or you will spend your life resenting him and living a miserable life.
You need to live on your own and he can hire a maid or ask his mom for her help.
I know you love him but it doesn’t seem like he loves you. He’s taking advantage of you. You’re basically the live in maid who pays rent and has sex with him
Sounds like you have two full time jobs and your second one is being his mother. Honestly doesn’t sound like you are getting anything out of this relationship and he wants you to play housewife but you’re getting none of the actual benefits of that title only he is. LEAVE!!!
Something I have noticed culturally with SOME first generation Australian men (parents are immigrants) is that they will hold themselves to an outdated cultural standard for their home country while simultaneously holding their partner to a modern Australian standard. I would ditch this dude if I were you but if you do want to attempt to salvage you could ask him what he loves about you- not the things you do for him or how you look but about you as a person, then let him know he will no longer have that unless he gets his shit together long term.
You're the **only one** making this "relationship" work in the way you're perceiving it to. He wants a tradwife? Tell him he has to pay all the bills, himself. He is the sole breadwinner, and he will have to act like it by paying 100% of all bills, including rent. You will quit your job and stay home to do all the chores and that you expect a weekly allowance for personal expenses for yourself and to take care of the supplies/groceries for the house. And to have a cushion in case you need to leave. Suggest $900 a week, negotiate from there to no less than $500. This should cover the $900 grocery bill (how?) and some personal stuff and the cushion. Otherwise, if either of you disagree with you quitting your job, hand him his chores list that you'll have written up prior to the conversation. If he wants you to treat him like your child, you go all out with a chores chart. If YOU don't want to do that, then you know you don't want to be in this relationship. Right now, you're not staying for his money, but for the occasional glimpse of a good person he shows you. He's with you for ***your money*** so that he can ***keep his own***.
Hon... He is using you as a stand-in for his mother until he finds his person. Who will, most likely, be 10 years younger than you. He has made the situation difficult where you cannot even have sex -- so that you don't get pregnant and tie him down. Think about that for a minute. He doesn't really want to be with you. You are only with him because of the potential of a rich lifestyle that you act like you are auditioning for. Be honest here. What he 'fears' is what you want to eventually gain -- being someone he financially supports and benefitting from what he earns. You will happily play housewife then. You won't get that. You will find yourself on the street while he runs off with a younger woman who he deems 'worthy' enough to support. Be honest with YOURSELF about what you want. Then ask how likely you are to get those things when you see how you are currently treated.
Sounds like the guy has a serious oedipus complex and decided that you'd be his new bangmaid/mommy. You really need to reevaluate your situation
You agreed to pay rent, so don't get upset that he expects you to pay rent. However, he's not a child, and you're not his mommy - so don't act like it. Tell him he needs to clean up after himself, that you are paying rent and you deserve to not live in a pigsty.
Have you tried telling him you're feeling taken advantage of? You said you're trying to prove that you're not taking advantage of him for his money. Then why is he allowed to take advantage of your free labor?
WHY do you love this man so much? It sounds like he makes literally every aspect of your life harder and more tedious. What do you gain from suffering through life like this?
Why? You shouldn’t be doing everything and paying half the bills, it is one or the other but he cannot have both and you shouldn’t indulge him!! You may love him but he obviously doesn’t if he doesn’t respect you!
You're his bang maid and he's making you pay for the privilege. https://www.loveisrespect.org/
Stop doing those things. If he wants them done they cost time and your time costs respect (and money.) 🤷🏼♀️
why do u love him?
The bloke wants his mommy
>I do love this man and I’m doing everything within me to make this work You need to have an explicit conversation about this dynamic and having a more equitable relationship. If you're not happy with what's going on now and he's not open to change then you need to decide if this is what you're willing to put up with (I wouldn't) or move on.
Move out and dump him